The Benefit of Letting Your (Adult) Children Suffer
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 มิ.ย. 2015
- Many parents prefer not to see their children suffer, but experiencing futility and failure can have many benefits. Failure to experience suffering, too, can have many disadvantage. Learn more about the benefits of experiencing suffering: ow.ly/N9sKh
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I get what he means. I was an alcoholic and I relapsed a few times during my 7 years sobriety. Each time my mum would coddle me and baby me and take me back home etc. Fhe last time though we had an honest chat and figured out a lot of my issues stemmed from knowing I had this safety net when actually if she didn’t intervene in this way that that would motivate me to stay sober. I’ve been sober ever since and have such a healthier relationship with my mum who now treats me as an independent man rather than her baby boy
My son gets upset that I won't coddle him
My experience is that no lessons are learned and no changes/behaviors are changed without feeling actual personal pain. Though sometimes not even then.
I agree, personal pain is what led me to delete my social media accounts
You summed it up perfectly. Enabling someone has no consequences and lets them continue doing exactly what they please.
You’re out of your mind! I was furloughed from my job. I am a workaholic. This was not my MO to be unemployed. It was terribly frightening in NYC after 9/11 without the help of my wealthy family. They dutifully have supported my sister after she lost her job 15 months ago. This is despicable. I don’t need proverbial “suffering” or heartache. I needed compassion and help!!! I was HUNGRY. I was getting eviction notices. I was not abusing substances and I was actively looking for a job. Maybe you need to suffer to have more empathy. You are so out of touch with what disasters can do to a person. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. I work now of course and have a very very sizable nest egg so something like this never happens again. Family should always help family within limits. Your pompous attitude is mind blowing!
100%
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Absolutely!
I actually fully agree with this. I made a lot of mistakes in my life, mainly because I come from a household where individuation was not really encouraged. I had to learn the hard way, what it means to be an adult. Even though it was a painful process and I literally went through hell, I would never have it otherwise. Ever since I decided that I did not want my parents to support me financially, my career took off and I managed to increase my income by more than 60%.
Awesome!
that was great, thanks for the insight, I will apply this. Tried to warn my daughter she's living with a narcissist, sent her an email the other day and she's ignoring me. She will have to find out the consequences of this narc's behaviour herself. I will now completely stay out of it for good. Bye bye daughter.
Hi just wondering how things have worked out with your daughter. I see you wrote this 2years ago.
I am going through the same thing with my son. I and hi father has spoken to him and tried to open his eyes to her but he doesn’t say much . He says I’ll try or I’ll think about it. I sent him videos and text messages and think she may have seen them because she went from loving me and me being her best friend to nothing over the past few weeks. To fill you in they have been together for 16 weeks and moved in on him the first night. He had a fever and she lied and said she was a nurse while she was speeking to him on a dating sight. She said she could take care of him he just moved into a new town 4hours from home due to a job transition and was all alone until she came and suduced him. Also as on a visit my husband and I made to him we found medication for her....Xanax , antidepressants and a anti-drug /alcoholic pill.. we later all him and he said she was recently in rehab for alcoholism and we also find out she is 6years older than him and divorced 2-3 years! I am devastated.
@@jmj1852 sorry you are so devastated, it hurts so much doesn't it when our child is still in the dark. This is part of everyone's journey on this earth unfortunately, hurt, pain in order to grow and be stronger, We all go through some great hurt, just at different times. I still feel the same, if not more about her live in partner. He's such a jerk. I have tried to send her videos, but her excuse is 'not everything is true on these videos, or I don't have time etc. etc. I think, because she is in a trauma bond that she is showing him what I am emailing her and talking her out of watching them. I keep hoping they will separate, but their son told my daughter that if she left him, he would kill her, sick eh, coming from a 12 yr. old. She wants to come and visit me and it is so hard to sit there and act as if nothing's wrong. don't know how to handle it. i've learned too much on this subject, I can't undo what I know, anyway, hope all goes well with your son and he opens his eyes, but I understand it's hard, we've all been in love and it hurts to let go. thank you for asking about my daughter and me. take care and stay safe.,
@@jmj1852 Wow, as a parent I can surely imagine how much suffering this must cause you. We all want the best for our children. My son is in treatment for depression and he is a very quiet person that would like a partnership. I know as a parent of a 30 year old I can not give him advice as if he was a teenager.
I as a parent sure wish I could help him in these matters. It is so extremely painful to see your child suffer but since they are an adult you often can not do for them what you can do for a younger child.
Your post of course raises the opposite issue: if the child is with a questionable partner then the worries can be just as intense or even worse.
How to deal as a parent that wants the best for their child?
@@dm5129 I’m so sorry to hear about your son … I know how much your heart hurts. pray unceasingly..God will answer in his time. That’s what I am holding onto with all my heart. God has moved many mountains in my life. I have faith that he is working this out too. Blessings to you and your family
“TO SUPPORT SOMEONE TO BE THE AUTHOR OF THEIR LIVES…” Support them wisely!
Too many parents hover around their kids (even after they're adults) with their little parental safety nets so they don't have to experience the pain of failure or loss. If they get in trouble at school, they go in and bully the teacher and the principle until they let the kid off the hook. NOTHING is ever their child's fault. At sporting events, everyone's a winner nobody's feelings should be hurt. When their children do something that the parents can't fix, the child doesn't know how to handle failure or loss. If you never allow your child to suffer the consequences of their actions, all you are teaching them is their actions have no consequences. Sometimes in order to learn life's lessons, we have to fail or lose. To teach them otherwise is a lie. These are the kids that walk into their work place and shoot people when they don't get a promotion or lose their job. They've never been allowed to fail or lose anything and they become unhinged when it can't be fixed.
that is a generalization, there is more to it than that, letting your child suffer the consequences can be an insurmountable grief if it is because of a teenage pregnancy for instance., or a cancer diagnosis, or a job loss .It seems that no one cares , and families dont support each other anymore,
@@joeldecoster8816 I have had a sense of family and tried to be there for people. Sometimes, because people know you love them and you’re “a safe place,” they use your kindness instead of working with you to make both their life and yours better. Spoiled, selfish, entitled people are not appreciative and do nothing but take. Therefore, there can be no sense of family with such people.
@@msims1081 We are all hypocrites, we are all guilty. We are all so lost in a world that keeps pushing you down.
Pure ridiculous
Any "parent" who doesn't let their child suffer is a horrible parent. Life teaches that suffering within balance is good.
The child suffers when it comes out the womb. Then comforted.
The child suffers when the parent leaves or they don't get what they want....but they learn gratitude and how to deal with lose.
The child suffers when they're sick,....but the body gets strong in fighting viruses/illness
The child suffer when teeth come in but when it's over, they can eat solid food.
I could go on and on about life teaching that suffering within reason is a good thing.
People who haven't learned this shouldn't be parents. What/who's going to protect your little unadapt to pain idiot when you die?
These type of parents are making their child suffer while claiming to protect them from it.
I needed to hear this. Thank you!!!
Thank you! What a great watch and easy advice for a dad of two mid twenty year old girls.
Thank you for your wonderful advise . I’ve bern giving my son money on a monthly basis a after listening to you I understand that I am doing it so he don’t have a hard time and have extra for going out to dinners and so forth even though he and his wife both work full time . It makes me wonder why I am doing this . Going to let it go and use that money for other things . Thank you for your insightful tips .
Better to put that money in a 401K for your retirement. Good luck with the changes you are making.
I have the same problem with my son. Thank you.
I am letting my adult child proceed and I am backing off. At this point I don’t think apologies will show up soon and maybe not even later. I don’t see another way out to not allow my own ethics and character be dragged to the mud just because I do t want to expose myself in vain or to continue this path of weakened spirituality. My spiritual path will come first. No offspring has this right to get between me and my spiritual self in order to preserve this relationship. What a disappointment! I am sincerely hurt with this mother role. It is not showing any thriving.
If your child is not narcissistic or have other personality disorders, they will understand your love when they become parents. Especially if your child is a woman.
I'm in a similar situation. Letting him stay while he gets on his feet isn't an issue for Me, it's the verbal abuse and destruction of property that I'm pretty much done with.. I have a younger child still at home and it's so unfair to him and the rest of us here to have to endure abuse unnecessarily! He loves to make up stories and blame others for things we know he did. His philosophy is "if you didn't see me do it, I didn't do it"
Yet it's clear many times it was him, like if he's the only one home and our tv is smashed when we get home, he did it! I'm just sick of it! None of my other kids do this crap. My youngest son is so easy going I have yet to see him ever have a temper tantrum or act out in defiance! He's not perfect but he doesn't go out of his way to destroy and or antagonize others in the home! Where J is always doing things to make us look bad like last week i had to clean either yogurt or mayo from every shelf in my fridge because someone spilled it on every shelf& in the crevices of the supports that hold the shelf. That's a minor example there's a lot worse. I'm just exhausted and already suffering with health issues and having him upset me 3,4,5,6 days a week is too much. Mostly it's unfair to my youngest son. I've told him he has to stop that or he will have to leave. I wouldn't just thrust him into the streets without plenty of warning. All I ask is that he stop fighting with everyone here, destroying property, and stop blaming everyone else for things he's done.. It's time to grow up! I hoped he would get it and at least try not to be that way, but it's almost as if he's doing more to sabotage his own opportunities. Like having a job and not having to pay rent or bills. So he can save up! I never had that growing up! I was 15 when I transitioned to independent living with the child's aid, and hardly got enough to pay rent and utilities. So I had to work or I didn't eat.. I don't want that for my Son.. It feels like he's toying with my heart and knows I put up with too much, so he does whatever he feels like in the moment because he knows I'll be there for him.. I can't stand it..
Thank you for your wisdom🙏🏽🧘🏽♀️
Wow. Good message, thanks.
Just say "NO" you don't need to explain,
Ann Harrison. Don't you think that's oversimplifying the issue, just a bit ?
@@pearlfisher2813 If we are dealing with a reasonable adult. No is sufficient. Coming from someone's child.
Thank you I needed this.
This advice is good, but you have to do what’s right for YOUR child. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you want someone to just cut you off immediately, or gradually do it. It’s like a car, your driving 70 mph, and then you slam on breaks, someone will get hurt, it has to be a gradual stop. Slow down, then stop.
life is hard it’s not always like getting back on the bike and it will be ok depression / dual diagnoses can ruin lives forever with early death
My son from age 7 who is now 24 has ocd. He is doing ok mentally but i see your point. I am a huge part of his lack of responsibility. Went thru drugs alcohol wish he could see what rest of family sees. I have finally seen the light. Good info thank you.
I'm not letting my grands suffer cause she moved a toxic narcissist in that has shown nothing but disrespect to everyone else. Keeps turning a blind eye to his antics: insults, trying to talk crazy to me but I'm not the one so of course he hates me and the feeling is more than mutual and pulls the I'm moving out routine when he is checked.
Now , this sounds like my stepson that's 35 years old now . He is stuck in adolescents. His mom spoiled him rotten and my husband always felt guilty if he punished him when he was growing up . He started doing drugs and selling them. Him and his girlfriend went to jail and rehab. My husband tried to find out what happened to him for about a year . This was back when he was about 18 yrs old. We thought it was over .....all this bad stuff was behind him and he got his life straightened out . Wrong....!! My stepson and his wife had a little girl . Then when the baby was about 3 ... we get a call from them . They wanted us to go to court and get temporary custody of the baby . They had gotten back on drugs and lost their little girl. We had no idea that this was going on . We went to court like they asked and then they didn't even show up for court to sign the papers so we could get temporary custody of her . ( his wife told me later on that there was a certain way she wanted her kids to grow up ) I thought to myself at least we weren't drug addicts and they would've been taken good care of and they would've been loved more than her ole aunt did . The courts end up letting his wife's aunt get temporary custody of the baby . It was so sad . They got her back after a few months later . Had another baby ( boy ) . Got back on drugs again . Lost both children. Now we don't get to see them grow up . My stepson and his wife would tell us .... oh were fixing to get them back . It was all lies . My stepson moved in with us a couple of years ago . I thought things had changed since he was an adult . WRONG....!! He caused so much trouble between my husband and myself . We have almost gotten a divorce several times because of my stepson and this time was no exception . He wouldn't work , he wouldn't offer to help out around the house , and he tried to fix it were I would leave and that way him and his dad would be the only ones living in my home . He has never had any respect for me and I know he was taught that when he was just a kid . I could ignore a lot of it ..... except when he started being mean to our daughter and son . I knew he was jealous and I tried to understand that , but he needed to understand that it was not mine OR our kids fault ....that his parents were not together . He's gone for now and I pray he stays gone . Now my daughter and her family has moved in with us and that hasn't been a picnic either . All I ask is for them to have a little respect. Help out around the house . I told my daughter the other day .... It is not my job to clean up after you and your family. Don't get me wrong .... I love my daughter and my grandkids very much. I told her , I didn't expect my mother to come over to my house and clean up after us . It's time for you to grow up . Her and her husband both need to grow up . They want us to take care of the kids , their 2 dogs , and they expect me to clean up after them everyday . Mean while they're going out to eat , going to the lake on their pontoon boat and pulling it with their brand new truck . They blow money constantly and then they tell my husband and I that they can't afford to rent or buy a house . It's ridiculous and it's not fair. My husband and I do not have money and we do not live in a nice house . Hell ... the house we live in is just an old farm house and it's falling apart. We don't have the money to fix it . I'm so depressed and tired of them taking advantage of me and talking to me like I'm a dog . I don't know what to do anymore . I did not raise my kids to be disrespectful like this towards me , but as soon as they got married to their spouses.... they started treating me like dirt . I don't know how much more I can take . 😢
i feel sorry for you, it is not fair, life is becoming so complicated, and nobody has the answer,
Bonnie I hope ur in a better place in mind body an soul x
@@joeldecoster8816 We as parents all have this dream: that our children find good relationships, a good partner and lead a responsible life.
The fact that people are in relationships often does reveal the underlying facts that our children may very well be in partnerships, but in partnerships that are less than ideal and that our children struggle within partnerships.
There is this idealistic way of looking at partnerships and every adult who has had a partner knows these ideals as they are shown: marriage, honeymoon, happiness ever after may be what is conveyed outwardly but on the inside it takes a lot of hard work and understanding to make a partnership work.
It is easy, often too easy to just say: yep, made it when a person is in the first or second year of a relationship. There are just so many factors, how each partner is faring in their life, how that will influence the relationship later on.
It all sounds like happiness and apple pie at first, but the tough world we live in, difficult issues that WILL arise in every relationships in the longrun will show what each partner is capable of and what will work.
I myself have witnessed many people who get into that drug like rush of starting a relationship: and that is a drug like rush for sure. But as relationships mature there will be complicating factors and difficulties.
To pretend that if someone just started a relationship to make it seem like that is the ticket to happiness forever: well, that is just playing pretend. Because in relationships it is only successful IF partners invest right in the relationship. A relationship can go downhill fast, and I think it is actually not the beginning of a relationship that counts: because everyone is happy at first, the first part of a relationship is the easy part, later on it shows if the partners will be successful and if the relationship works and if the partner is loyal and will always stand by the other partner.
The happy time is often the first couple of years, but later on often people learn more about each other and then struggle.
However, what do you do when you're adult child is extremely stubborn, and feels they know everything, and they wont listen to wise counsel?
Many parents prefer not to see their children suffer, but experiencing futility and failure can have many benefits. th-cam.com/video/wmSoSRk4jGc/w-d-xo.html
my son, an A+ student left home and went to college three years ago and got interested in playing video games in the school's Esports club, so he decided to change his path to become a professional gamer without finishing his academic education. I think he is addicted to games. after several discussions with him, we decided to stop providing financial support to him, I totally agree with what you said. let him suffer for his own choice. he has to find a full-time job to live on himself if he wants to pursue that path. he eventually found a full-time job and don't have time and energy to play video games anymore, but he decided to cut communication with us completely because I have been criticizing his choice and shared my problem with him, I now realize this is my fault. but what can I do to win him over?
I’m not a professional but I guess u can communicate even if it’s one sided. Small text “thinking of you” “miss you” or “happy holiday” I don’t think you did anything wrong by cutting off finances. Being an adult and having the ability to make our own choices is wonderful but it comes with responsibility. He doesn’t get to have it both ways. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Yan this is not your fault, you are practicing tough love. I agree to send positive texts but stop financial assistance! I had to do the same, it isn’t easy!
As an adult offspring I hate being criticised whether it's done for "my own good" or not doesn't matter. if I complain I expect you to stop it because I don't like it and I know my own mind and what I should and should not have to put up with in my life even from parents
That being said I don't know your sons mind. I think there is probably nothing you can do to "win him over" people aren't prizes. They can sense what's going on when some one isn't genuine.
But if he approaches you wanting to talk humble yourself and really truly listen and consider the things he is saying without letting your own judgment get in the way.
It may not be easy for you but you will probably at least earn his respect that way.I don't think you would like to be criticised for your life choices would you ? even if you later changed them
Works exactly the same way
We had a recent comment that seems to have gone missing, but will leave this response in case they pop by again and find it helpful. Perhaps some of you will find it helpful as well:
From your comments, it sounds as if you were a pretty good role model, taking responsibility to support the family, even though, I suspect, it meant being away from home more than you wanted to be.
Your descriptions of your son-hanging out with the wrong crowd and not looking for a job-are fairly common. Even his girlfriend’s overdose is not unusual in the age of fentanyl. And you've discovered that trying to control a teenager is all but impossible. All you can really do is to teach them values and then keep your fingers crossed. And once he reaches the age of majority, society and the law see him as an adult who makes his own choices.
It sounds as if your son is struggling with the idea that he is responsible for his life. I’m not sure why this is a challenge for him. But in my experience, many adult children simply invent excuses for not pursuing meaningful employment. Sadly, blaming the parents is a common tactic. Your job is basically not to buy into this blaming. Regardless of biology, environment, upbringing, and so on, your son is still in charge of his life. If he doesn’t like being a mechanic, he can find other work.
I suspect there may be more going on here, but we can’t really figure it out over the internet. I always recommend to family members that they find a therapist. Often, there are many deeper issues to explore, such as your losing hope for him or confused about why he hasn't figured out that drug use can be harmful.
I’m there. He’s the only one I have this codependent relationship with
Kinda "yea", but I think the trick is to still love the children. My mom is overprotective. I had to fight very hard for the distance. But I never needed/wanted to be protected. I wanted love. I wanted to know, that she loves me and I am good enough for her also if I fail.
Yes, that's exactly right. There has been lots of research on parents who only want the best for their children but whose method is to try to protect their kids from suffering. This approach seems to find support in a new school of psychology, known as Positive Psychology, with its focus on "happiness" and its apparent assumption that suffering is optional. The question is whether the pursuit of a life that is free from suffering is, in fact, realistic. A growing number of people, me included, believe that pursuing a meaningful life is more useful than pursuing happiness because all of us suffer, as the COVID-19 pandemic has made quite clear. If we accept that suffering is as natural to life as a heartbeat, then we need to learn how to accept it and rise about it. Experts have pointed out that allowing a child to utterly fail is a good thing for the child because it develops resilience. Perhaps we need to rearrange our understanding of what it means to live a good life.
Overprotective is the same as controlling.
This is me I’m a helicopter mom and evidently way to proud of my 31 yr old daughter who’s an addict and in rehab for 10 months
@Dissmor2 that wasn’t meant as a judgment of my daughter what so ever that was a statement that comes from the rehab. She definitely wasn’t abused at home and I have asked her for years if she was molested and she always says no and had acted as if I was insulting her. I love her so much and want only the best life for her. The rehab she’s in wants me to back away from her and no my boundaries whatever that means. I just want to be a part of her life being supportive and love her
@Dissmor2 😭no I am not but the rehab definitely is
@@terrijohnston8803 Yes, the boundaries, that is a tough one. My son rejects parent advice from me, his mom. He needs to live his own life, but on the other hand I wish I could help.....
My son needs rehab....I can't fix it. I am a helicopter mom too
This rehab has no family recovery classes or groups and I honestly do not know what I am suppose to do or what NOT to do or say when she’s out on a pass.
Hi Terri,
It is very difficult to navigate relationships with family members who are struggling with an addiction. Our facility understands this struggle, which is why we offer comprehensive family services including a family weekend workshop and ongoing support even after our clients leave our facility. It is important to attend a facility that understands the importance of family supports.
When it comes to what to say and not say to your loved one, I will give a general response as it somewhat depends on everyone's individual situations. What we aim for in healthy relationships is empathy and compassion with boundaries. Boundaries are really important as things rarely work well when one adult attempts to control another. Boundaries are not an attempt to control another person, but a way to ensure health for both parties involved. Any attempt to control another person would fall into the category of what not to do. Such examples of that would be "I will give you money but only if you go to therapy". What you should do is be compassionate and understanding to the other person. That does not mean agreeing with them, but does mean acknowledging their experiences. I hope this tiny explanation offers a bit of help.
@@sunshinecoasthealthcentre thank you so much and it does help. I am definitely compassionate and understanding when it comes to her recovery and for her future and our relationship. They are a faith based facility and our “class” is church one Sunday a month but now they have taken that from us also
I am no longer allowed to have contact with her until she graduates in February 😭
@@terrijohnston8803 I am being reminded of the same thing: that I can not live the life of my son FOR him: it is unimaginable how tough that is.
As a little boy the mom can hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay. But as an adult this is impossible.
Then find another rehab. Or look online for family support groups. I went to one and it helped a lot.
Great! Maybe you could do a video on the benefits of letting your aging parents suffer too! Especially the upsides of suffering physical frailty, abandonment and loneliness! Unless we teach old people the cold hard facts that ultimately, life is impermanent and we all die alone, we are coddling them and enabling deep misunderstanding about a fundamental truth of human existence!
Best comment ever
Your parents raised you not the other way around.You made no sacrifices for them or fed or clothed them or sent them to school.In fact growing up I think you and most children do almost nothing for there families at least in the west.Becoming old and frail is not failure now is it.Why should a parent keep supporting an adult child who can do things 100% for themselves but choose not to.Do you really think that is the same as a parent who is wheelchair bound or has dementia??You sound entitled and stupid and I can already tell you have no children.
Chet youbetya My parents both suck and took part in abusing me so some people have a reason for the way they treat their parents
As far as mine are concerned I will not be attending either one of their funerals
And here you are hearing from a 45 year old woman with a daughter.
@@DionneFields you are watching the wrong videos Try TED just type in TED and ask your question
@@raintree3383 I didn’t have a question though I was responding to someone
But I will check Ted out
I'm wondering how to support adult children going thru a failure.
From my perspective it's immensely unbearable because I can't provide a real safety net.
I'm a constant puddle of grief.
Thank you
Send an occasional card, send a care package, let them know if they need a meal or to talk they’re welcome to come over. It is hard to watch someone you love struggle and fail but absolutely necessary. Take care of yourself because right now they are NOT worried about you. That could change but you have to find other pursuits and keep your heart open to a day when your adult child will finally behave like an adult
@@FeenixT
Good advice. Thank you!!
How do we handle it if my adult son has mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder
Hi Lori,
Mental health professionals follow the principle that it is usually necessary to meet a person before diagnosing or treating them. However, we can make general comments about adult children suffering from bipolar disorder.
First, bipolar disorder need not rule one’s life. Here’s a very short list of people who were bipolar: Buzz Aldrin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mariah Carey, Sting, Carrie Fisher, Francis Ford Coppola, Demi Lovato, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jimi Hendrix, Richard Dreyfuss. These people had motivation to achieve their various goals and found they could rise above their disorder. Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor of psychiatry, described her own struggles with a severe form of bipolar disorder (she prefers the term “manic depression”). Her books offer great insight into the science and experience of bipolar disorder.
Jamison stresses that medical care is necessary, and many families grow frustrated and worried precisely in their efforts to support their loved one’s medical care. We have effective treatments, but a major reason why so many people with the disorder struggle is that they resist taking medications. The medications blunt the highs, which can be spectacularly creative experiences. Left unchecked, says Jamison, the extreme mood shifts lead to irrational and self-harming behaviors. Except in extreme circumstances, it is not legal to force anyone to seek medical help.
Encouraging adults with the disorder to be responsible for themselves is important for their well-being. I’ve worked with adult clients suffering from depression, posttraumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, milder forms of autism, etc. All made the choice to enter therapy because they were quite capable of making choices. Still, I’ve known many people who struggle unnecessarily because they had positioned themselves as victims of the disorder; stuck with a life-long diagnosis, they felt little hope of ever achieving a good life.
Supporting your loved one may mean helping them realize that they need not position themselves as victims of the disorder, pointing out when they see inappropriate behavior, and encouraging them to seek or maintain professional help. Research indicates that the support of mental health professionals, such as counsellors, psychologists, and psychiatrists, is very beneficial.
Take care,
Geoff Thompson
@@sunshinecoasthealthcentre thank so much you for this. I fully agree. My son does comply with his meds has been in therapy, partial hospitalization as well as inpatient care. After a broken engagement last summer he moved back in with me and I guess my struggle is where to draw the line between what is too much help vs needed support.
What if they don't learn from their failure?
Great question. In rare cases, the child may be incapable of learning. Research on kids suffering from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder (FASD) suggests that FASD kids are not able to learn from mistakes, which is why they keep making them over and over.
But the extreme case of FASD is not true for the vast majority of kids. What is likely at issue, then, is how an adult makes sense of the child. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld's perception of kids is that they are capable of learning from failures and flourishing. On the other hand, some adults perceive kids as empty vessels (incapable of learning from failures or making good choices). You can probably see that these different perceptions would dramatically alter how the adult would help the child who fails. Neufeld would help the child process the failure to help the child discover what is to be learned. The other adult would tend to be more controlling.
It may be that if a child appears as if he or she doesn't learn from failures, then there is something happening for the child. Again, this is a matter of how the adult perceives the child. Perhaps the child has very low self-worth and therefore does not try very hard. We know that when teachers perceive low academic achievement to be due to low ability, then they express more pity. The child picks up on the pity, and it reinforces their belief that they have low ability.
Some adults simply step back and don't intervene when a child fails, because they believe it's up to the kid to figure it out. But this perception may not always be helpful. Often, kids don't know how to process failures and need help learning from them -- and because they'll fail often, they'll need lots of help.
@@sunshinecoasthealthcentre how would you know if you had FASD? I'm adopted and my parents were drug addicts and thats basically all I know. I'm 27 and when I was thrown out at 17 off and on, I know that experience was more tramatic than a learning lesson. I now don't do anything because I don't want to go through that again. Like I avoid it at all cost. Not knowing when your eating, being depressed all the time with high anxiety about everything. I tried really hard. I kept trying to finish my highschool degree all through my 20s and still don't have it 🤷♂️ I'm smart but I feel like theres something wrong that I can't explain. Especially being adopted doesn't help. I have like no medical info or really any family info to help me.
@@folkerson Thank you for your comment Richard and I am sorry to hear of all your struggles. It really sounds like you’ve had a tough life and I admire your perseverance. I definitely recommend connecting with mental health services in your area. They can help to assess what you are struggling with and if it is in fact FASD. Not knowing your background is certainly a challenge, but it does not make it impossible to figure things out and help you. Please let us know if you need help finding services.
Does that apply to adult children with mental issues?
Hi G.E.,
You make a very good point. And a tricky one, because it depends on the nature of the mental health issue and its severity. To confront suffering and overcome it demands a person be able to make decisions that will help them. Clients I work with are capable of making their own decisions, but, often, not right away. They need guidance, because they're stuck in their old ways of making sense of struggles. We work with clients suffering from schizoid conditions, bipolar disorders, and other severe mental health issues. For most, being stable on medications is often enough to begin the process of working through challenges. Some of our clients, however, have such severe struggles (such as a physical injury to the brain) that they require much more guidance. I've worked with clients with extremely low IQs who, after treatment, have become the active authors of their lives, despite needing help for some daily activities such as reading, writing, cooking, etc.
- Geoff
@@sunshinecoasthealthcentre , thank you.
I’m here with my 27 year old and 18 year old
"Sometimes there's just not enough rocks" very damn true")
My 29 year old sister lives with her husband in my dad's house and my 27 year old sister just moved in and my dad made the third and second floor of the house for apartments but they are just taking up space for no reason and dont contribute to anything financially
ARE you financially okay with your own situation ? If you have money then shut the fuck up
Perfect illustration of lawnmower parenthood.
Too late for me. When he suffered, Id suffered. I helped him become very successful and now he wants nothing to do with me. I should not have supported him.
I feel you and I did the same.....I am left with nothing even to eat and I go there and they have take out and bew clothes
@Dissmor2 wow! Cruel response from a perfect stranger.
I would not worry about that too much. I fully realize IF my son finds happiness with the right partner I would not bother him that much afterwards. I would check in with him occasionally and lend a supportive ear about his concerns. But if he found the right partner I would be just happy for him. Would want to stay in touch of course but other than that I would just let him live his hopefully happy life in his relationship.
Both our children are this way now. We nurtured and loved, and supported them all the way. Now both are disrespectful, self serving jerks. We aren't going to be involved with our new Grandson. That's the saddest part.
Not been a Fan of word Failure nor the word success.
Black
White
Stuff does not work out the ways hoped for -
I “ failed “ my grown daughter til she was 20 ..
I was so immature and
Did not guide or teach her. Now I look at all that so yes I have learnt now what I needed to do-
And I know now what I absolutely MUST DO NOW. But my daughter - I don’t see her not so good choices as “ failures “, nor the better one’s as “ successes “:
Making judgements and decisions later proving to be unwise Yes totally teaches one what, happened and why and what do I take away from that..
Not a fan of Absolutes
Excepting for a reality where GOD exists.
What is successful now can prove to be based on totally flawed thinking.. and what looks like a fail can be your most courageous hour!
How about when your child gets married and has a child of there own but then depend on you to take care of there child so they can play video games !
My husband and i were always there to support my adult child and his family and by doing so, they've distanced themselves and iur grand kids from us because we asked for them to pay the 10k we loaned them. We've asked God to forgive us but sad that my son and his family don't come around. They make us feel as if we shouldn't have asked for our money back. Amy suggestions? Help...
...I would leave in their lap and walk away from it
That must be heartbreaking. To help your child and get the exact opposite response. To be shunned instead of them being grateful. I hope your grandchildren don't learn that's how you get what you want. I pray for your strength to not give in to such bad behavior. Like the other post here says, manipulation.
Rose call them and tell them exactly how you feel and if they don’t like it, oh well, carry on.
Thus happened to me. my father in law had epearated from his girlfriend after selling his home and had moved in with her, he was homeless and we took him in.He paid off our mortgage and bought a large caravan and lived there for a few months while we were paying im back, He then goes back to her and insists we sell our house to pay him back,He even got a lawyer on to us, and we lost our home and had to go bankrupt.He denies all of this and has ruined my life, It hurts so bad because i loved him so much.
Rosaliva…you are better off without them. A loan is a loan. My generation were supposed to help their parents in their old age but now it seems it’s the other way round and they expect everything we have to be given to them.
I can't see years in a prison for etoh. Seems a bit nuts. Stalking cops. Bresking the electronic so they control if theirs no lights and now a finally a reason to pull u over.
I have given my 21 year old adult/child son so many chances. We have build plans, but he does not commit. We let him back in and he takes over, destroys my home, and steps our boundaries. Go look at a video I recorded of how much of a slob he is, with his gf, that he forced down out throats. So disgusting. EWWWWW here is the link to a video I recorded of his disgusting room, that he shared with his piglet girlfriend. He WAS about 10 feet from his bedroom to the bathroom and he'd piss on water bottles. They brought me bed bugs, the verbal & physical abuse is over! Check this video out. th-cam.com/video/IzQuWDkLQbQ/w-d-xo.html
been there.....got scary.....left him at the hospital and that was that...
Epidemic of the Son Husband 🧑🏽🦱 🖤👵🏾 emotional incest, 👵🏾🥷🏾👱🏽♀️ no boundaries causes confusion, chaos, fear, obligation, guilt shame repeat 🔁 drama . 2PAC Dear MoMA 🎵 is Sick 🤒
that was not helpful.
A man shows up in my life claiming to love me. They procreate, bring forth this child. As an adult you consciously made the decision to have a child. It is your responsibility to ensure that child is brought up well, protected, safe and provided for. This human you consciously decided to bring on this earth is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, the child whether a baby, adolescent or adult.
You're a bad parent for deliberately witnessing your child suffer and you don't offer help and love the child unconditionally.
Men are ruthless because they don't experience the deep connection with their child in a way a nurturing mother does. Women suffer giving birth it is an excruciating process women go through, MAN will never understand.
Then again. I don't expect much from a Caucasian man from his generation. The ruthless white men who consciously oppressed African humans. Satan's.
Most of Jehovah’s witness men do understand. They’re great to me.
Let us suffer for a life we didn’t ask for lmaooo
We should make a generational suicide pact
@@christopherscragg7018 right lmaooo
Its usually a life that THEY created.
Wtf I'm a mom and I chose to have a child, my child owes me nothing. I'm to invest in my child, support them and be there when they fall for love and support. Stop misinforming parents, start teaching parents how to invest in their children. You can love support and protect them until they can protect themselves. You're wrong
With all due respect you’re maybe wrong. Adult children don’t remember all the investment you put in and why should they because all we do it freely.
The fact is, some adult children develop bad habits and have to find out the hard way on their own how to solve those problems. I dare say when they’re 30 years old you won’t be able to protect them very well. Even in their 20s they may become completely independent. What this guys saying I have seen.
I think you're sadistic. Parental Instinct should be to protect at any age. Sorry you're ideas on parenting are toxic.
True. I’m guessing you are Asian based on your name. Asian families have a much more stable concept of family unity. Where as Americans have a toxic ideal of the nuclear family and 1980’s Reaganite anti-communist religious devotion to “individual responsibility”. Chinese parents help their sons afford real estate because otherwise they won’t get wives. And they won’t have grandchildren.
American parents kick their children on to the streets at age 18 then live in luxury while their son risks his life on the streets. (My true story)
Especially the way generational dynamics have created such an unequal economic disparity between parents and children. Telling your millennial son “you gotta start somewhere” when you have already attempted 5 careers only to be exploited and let go having given everything to the company and in return received only enough to survive. Because “we worked for what we have” when you ask to be allowed to sleep in their back yard or park your car on their drive way so you can get a night’s sleep free from harassment by Karens and the police.
Families that invest in their children build a legacy.
My father will die knowing he will have no legacy and I won’t be attending his funeral
He said you can be ready to help but you don’t interfere to the point where they don’t learn any lessons. If you had a daughter who hooked up with a narcissistic wife beater I’m sure you will try and help but you can’t force her to leave him. She has to do that herself.
Why would you want your children to suffer? You guys are sadistic!
It’s an part of life .ask Jesus
We can no longer Call someone an “N” without facing social, professional, and possibly Legal repercussions, however perfectly Moral people delight in scornfully brandishing slanderous epithets like “Crackhead” or “Junkie” towards drug users, and were we to expect at least the bare MINIMUM consideration to protect the humanity of these people-we would Find a Legal System which ENSHRINES discrimination against them: to evict them from their homes and to terminate their employment, denying them the ability to maintain social relations, seek honest work and participate in society.
What if there were no one to Question this Sadism-a Human Rights Discourse SILENT on this collective indignity?
Our culture is ruthlessly sadistic when it comes to drug addicts.
With the homeless at least some pretend to care while passing laws that make their lives harder.
With drug addicts hate speech is polite conversation.
To allow them to learn how to survive on their own