Let's Talk About American Social Etiquette
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
- In which I outline some of the characteristics that define America's approach to social situations.
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As an American I find the idea that a family would sit down to a meal and not insist that guests eat with them; likewise if I were the guest, to be absolutely insane. Incomprehensible
Yes, if the guest can't eat with the family for some reason then they usually go home. It's incredibly awkward when someone won't eat but hangs around.
bro, saaaaame.
Yep, really really bad taste.
My Mom was English, and always demanded that we serve our guests first. No exceptions, so this one threw me a bit.
My family would never let a guest sit and watch us eat. They would get the best seat at the table and eat until they're stuffed. I've never heard of a family not feeding guests....😲 ya I'm American!
As an American I'm genuinely shocked and horrified at the very idea of eating a meal in front of a guest without offering them anything. I would never even consider such a thing! And even if the guest refused my offer I would still probably pester them throughout the meal with more offers of food and drink because I would feel so awkward. If I was a guest at someone else's home and they ate a meal in front of me without offering anything I'd be extremely offended. I'd probably tell everyone I know how rude that person was.
I would grab my things and leave if I weren't invited.
Indeed. It’s just not done.
We were just sitting down to dinner when the electrician arrived to repair a faulty outlet. It only took him a few minutes and when he was done I invited him to share our food. He declined, I'm happy to say. But it felt awkward to not at least ask him.
Yes. I would find that outrageously rude not to mention awkward. The very least the family could do is put off eating their dinner till the guest leaves
@@miriamcohen7657 as is the polite thing to do. You wouldn't want to be an imposition
Jesus Christ, someone invited to your home and then eating in front of someone without being invited to join in is inconceivable to me. That’s just incredibly rude.
Leave Jesus out of your comments. His name is not a part of speech.
Get over it. A lot of us don’t buy into your Jesus. However, in his original trappings he was kinda cool.
Especially since Jesus Christ wouldn't do that?
Or because Christ went to many homes and was offered food?
@geraldarcuri9307 Jesus Christ man, you need to chill out. However, not only would Jesus Christ ask you to sit down, but he would use his magic Jesus powers to open a fucking fish and bread buffet!
@@geraldarcuri9307 How about don't tell others what to do? You're a nobody. Nobody cares what you want.
In America if you're in the house when dinner is served you are expected to eat. I see myself as the HOST making my guests comfortable.
i would feel weird if i had guests at my home and ate without at least offering them a plate, and i would feel like a third wheel if i were at someone's house and they sat down to dinner without asking, i'd probably just excuse myself and leave
@@TheAciddragon069 exactly the same.here
The slightly threatening nature of this comment somehow really captures the spirit of American hospitality lmao
@@busimagen right i always have something on hand even if it's tossing a frozen pizza in the oven, or a bag of chips.
Even if you already had a large meal before going over to your friend's or family's house.
In my American family, a pretty standard question when you walk in the door is "have you eat yet? Can I make you something?" Especially my grandmother who felt it was her duty to ensure that all the world was properly fed. God rest her.
I love your grandma, and your YT handle.
Yes...the sa.e in my family!
In the Midwest eat is usually replaced with ate, but yeah, it's a pretty standard question in most American states, though different regions state it differently.
I love your grandma too. I miss our grandparents generation. They were so helpful and taught manners. And were truly the last generation of constant care givers. They loved people.
I love when someone says this is the American etiquette or this is what Americans do if you've been around America you will realize when you say one thing it means "there " or maybe upper state New York where I grew up or Northern North Carolina where I spent quite a few years or maybe southern Georgia where I spent another few years or maybe in the midwest where I spent some time and every place is completely and absolutely different but still America
As an American when we do use tag questions I feel like they're passive aggressive. "You should make sure you don't burn the fries again, shouldn't you?" Comes off as "Don't burn the fries again and I feel like i have to tell you because I think you're an idiot."
We wouldn't phrase it that way though. To be passive aggressive it would be more like "A good cook will make sure they don't burn the fries".
😂 So true! If I worded it that way it's because I think your an idiot lol.
He makes the definition sound narrower than it is.
"You've seen that movie, haven't you?"
"You're going on vacation soon, aren't you?"
"You haven't seen my keys, have you?"
"This isn't your cup, is it?"
These are all tag questions and they're just... you know, normal questions. We use them all the time, to soften requests: "You don't happen to have the time, do you?" or to solicit agreement: "We've met before, haven't we?" That part was misleading IMO, but it was a fun video.
To make a gross overgeneralization - because, well, I'm an American and it's what we do - I have had a number of acquaintances and even a couple of friends from the Great White North, and nearly all of them are far more direct (read, "rude", in my thoroughly "southernized" self). They skip right over the "shouldn't you" step and proceed straight to the "because I think you're an idiot" phase of the conversation. Oddly, I find it somewhat refreshing, i.e., the honesty, the lack of pretense. Southern people can heap loads of praise upon, say, your broccoli casserole, all the while hoping that it might be fed to those awaiting justice on Death Row. Canadians just skip that silliness. Haven't a clue what this has to do with Brits, just saying, because, well, it's what we southerners do.
@@MacNerferid see that as more just straight up aggressive. like in some places that would start a fistfight
The last thing he talked about is often referred to as "the long goodbye". In the Midwest in particular it's initiated by slapping your knees and saying "whelp I suppose" but the conversation usually continues at the door while coats and shoes are put on and indeed does last about 30 min. 😂
My German born neighbor did this his whole life. A goodbye or conversation stretched to a half an hour or more when all that was expected was about five minutes. It's just how he was--- very sociable. Glad he enjoying conversing and didn't abruptly cut people off in a terse manner.
I do that even when just chatting with coworkers at work. Slap my thigh or the cubicle wall and say "well! I 'spose then... better get back to work! "😂 dang near every time!
One step further, it is considered rude in some parts to not wait outside or at the door when your guest is leaving, and all the way until their car exists out of sight. Although, I think it's become out-dated.
Yep, very midwest. Meanwhile on the west coast, if you slap your knees and say you'd better get going the most likely response will be, "Alright, it was nice seeing you, goodbye!"
Most of my family does this and it annoys the crap out of me. I used to appease them and begrudgingly continue the conversation but now I've just started walking out the door while nodding and saying "yep, alright, see ya, bye," *leaves.*
I'm American. The idea of eating a meal while someone was visiting me WITHOUT offering them anything... is HORRIFYING. Even if I hadn't cooked much food, I'd still find a way to divide each serving into smaller portions... or stretch out the meal with something extra like bread & butter, cheese & crackers, or another quick side dish... or literally running to the grocery store. ANYTHING but eating in front of a guest without offering them something. I'd just as soon drop my pants, take a shit on the floor, and pick it up and fling it at them.
If I was at someone's house and they started eating dinner without inviting me to join them, I'd leave and never return. Fuck that.
This captures it 😂
Perfect way to describe the level of rudeness.
It’s interesting that it’s so offensive to you. It’s not a commonly known cultural difference (I’m a 30 year old brit and this if the first I’ve heard of it). Deffo something Americans should be aware of before coming here I guess or there’s no doubt you’ll get the wrong idea
They shouldn't turn up a dinner time without pre booking .
Can't expect someone to have food for you if you didn't book .
Turning up at dinner time is rude .
well said!
My father was from Sweden. My mother solidly American Yankee. What I was told is that the Swedish relatives would offer food but you were supposed to say, "No" unless they asked 3 times. Because they were poor and didn't really have food to share. My American family were also poor but they would ALWAYS set an extra plate ahead of time in case someone showed up during the dinner and they were doing that at times when they were so poor that they would just have baked beans and bread. But they still valued guests more than food.
Your comment made me wonder how much on both sides the Great Depression and war rationing played into these manners. Hmm!
@@doublegoatdesign I think it made a big difference. I realized that there was already rationing during the depression in the 1890s (starting 1893) plus, China had 33 million starve in the 40s (which is why most of us grew up hearing, "Eat that, people are starving in China") Rationing from WW2 ended 1954. My great-grandmother likely was rationing most of her life up until that moment, except maybe for part of the 1920s. I think that is why so many of them lived into their 90s. Except a lot of the men smoked and died young.
I’m from northern Norway. Not serving a guest at least coffee and some cake was considered very rude, un heard of. To have dinner without offering a guest food is unthinkable. But many guests may leave the house when they see that dinner is made, they feel embarrassed being offered food when not invited for dinner.
I know that my grandma was very poor and she had 7 children. ( 1930-50). But there were people even poorer than her, and they knew that she would always offer them something to eat. “You never leave her house starving” they said. I grew up with this as a norm, even nobody was that poor anymore.
In the southern parts of Norway its not like this.
But nowadays guests usually only come when invited and they know what to expect concerning food.
@@biaberg3448 I am from the USA and I would tell you that we have had the same transition. And my elderly matriarchs all had 6 kids, except my aunt who had 7. Sounds very similar to yours.
As a 31 year old Swede, I agree to this. The cultural norm is still to politely decline food, unless you have been specifically invited to eat together. It's not that people are poor and don't have food, that's just how we do things.
I was an apartment maintaince man a few years ago, and in the city I worked in there were a lot of Sudanese immigrants. I almost never went into one of their apartments without being heavily pressured to consume something. If they were making dinner they made me a plate, if they weren't they made me a tea, or gave me a fruit or a soda. Almost every time. And I wasn't even an actual guest, I was just fixing the toilet/lights/heat!
Most foreigners are amazingly friendly ppl
If they’re from the Arab World (Sudanese are part of that) expect warm hospitality and lots of food.
You have never been to Minnesota have you? We are very likely to say things like “Should you take the roast out of the oven now?” I had an Aunt who, when asked, “ Would you like a cup of coffee?” Would respond with, “Oh, if it’s not too much trouble.” Is this a yes? Or a no?
Think it's Muslim thing.
See, this seems to be true with immigrants across many cultures. My mom's a visiting nurse and she has received similar treatment from a fair amount of people, all mostly fairly recent immigrants (as in, first generation but sometimes later gens as well) bc it'd be in NYC.
The first generation immigrants of my family tree died before I was born, but I know that especially the matriarchs are associated with hospitality. And my dad's parents always kept cakes to serve if anyone showed up at the house.
As an American--and a Southerner--it would be incredibly rude to eat and not invite guests to join. When someone comes to your house you always ask if they would like something to drink, and I keep a box of crackers, a brick of cream cheese and a jar of pepper jelly in my cabinet for when someone shows up unexpectedly. When someone comes over, you feed them and fix them a cold drink, period. That said, a meal time coming around and not being invited to join is a common social cue that your hosts are ready for you to leave. If you're not welcome at the meal, they will hold it until you are gone, but would never be rude enough to point out that it's meal time and you're not invited so it's time for you to go. As a child, I can remember playing at a friend's house and before meal time, the mother would generally either tell me to call my mother and ask her if it was all right if I stayed for supper, or tell me to call my mother and tell her it was time for me to come home. We wouldn't ever leave a child alone in a room while the family ate without them. Unthinkable.
YES. Well spoken.
fellow southerner here and SAME.
I live in the south myself and it is very much so a southern thing to offer someone a drink. I lived out west growing up and it was not a custom practiced there. I think the big difference is the differences in the types of heat. On the east coast and much of the mid-west there is high humidity. Where as in the west it's practically non-existent. I prefer that dry heat over humidity any day of the week. Having lived in the south for over 20 years now, I find that I still haven't gotten used to it.
As far as meals go, not at least offering someone something to eat at your home when you were planning to have a meal can get very awkward. I've never felt comfortable having a meal in front of someone in my home without at least offering. To me it's just apart of having good manners. It was exactly the same way when I was growing up. I would be told that they would be having dinner soon and that my friend would have stuff that needed to be done afterwards Be it bathing, homework, or chores. I understood that they were not trying to be rude, and that it was just time for me to go home. That's not to say I was never invited to join them for a meal, but I usually would decline because I knew dinner was going to be served soon at my own home. The offer was appreciated but I didn't feel comfortable eating with a family that wasn't my own. I was friends with someone my own age, not their parents. That changed as I got older. As a young adult, it was easier to talk to and relate to my friends parents, so some of them I did become friends with as well.
You have the best name ever. And a little ironic, too, having lived in Bozeman during a 100 year winter, lol
@@phatmonkey11 I’ve never been, but I’ve heard it’s lovely! :) I work in media relations so I have a google alert on my name in case I get quoted anywhere, and it’s always just wonderful-sounding vacation packages in Montana 😉
Tag questions was super interesting to me, because it reveals what each culture dislikes more. The Brits use tag questions specifically to be less direct, but to my American sensibility, "less direct" comes off as "passive aggressive." More direct _is_ more polite to me.
Very much agree I heard the first ice question and my immediate thought was that is super rude
I find myself agreeing with this. I greatly dislike and end up annoyed by commands given as a question. It feels dishonest to me. If you want something say so, if you have a question, ask it, don't mix them up. Besides its all about delivery. "Please be sure to watch the time on the fries, they burn easy" vs "Don't burn the fries again like you alway do" well the intent and treatment is obvious. That added on tag question just feels patronizing.
Of course I had to live a parent who LOVED being maliciously passive aggressive to me, abusively so, and always made demands of me phrased as if I had a choice in any of it, when the reality was obey instantly or be screamed at (and sometimes struck) abusively. So I am a bitch touchy.
It's sentence structure and tone. You actually can do a similar thing for Americans. Instead of just sticking the question on the end, which to an American makes it seem like you're assuming they should know better but don't, you should instead phrase the entire thing as a question and as a request. Instead "You should make sure not to burn the french fries, shouldn't you?" which would seem rude because it seems like you're questioning whether they know something obvious, you could instead say "do you think you could cook the french fries a little less?" or "do you think you could be a little more careful with the french fries?" It comes off as a request this way and not a patronizing reminder of something obvious.
Also agree. I don’t enjoy guessing games when someone wants something
@@khinzaw77your little ‘question’ seems rude and condescending to me
Can confirm, I'm American and it has never occurred to me to not ask a guest to join for dinner. I legitimately feel like a bad hostess not asking within the first 10 minutes if they'd like something to eat/drink!
Exactly. Even if it’s just to offer a glass of water.
@@mariannedavidson1279 Yeah. If they reply that they had just eaten before coming, they are offered beverages, small edibles, and asked to stay for dessert.
I'll usually ask guest if they want something to drink before they even sit down. A lot of times if it's family I'll say help yourselves, you know were everything is.
The one exception I can think of is that you don't want to ruin another child's appetite before they go home to eat dinner. You need to confirm they're not going home to eat food before you give them more than a small snack.
@@paulm3952 Even with children and the possibility of their own dinner coming up, my mom always offered friends small servings of fruit or crackers or nuts etc. And if dinner was about to be served they had to phone home to ask their parents. I think this was more to remind the neighborhood kids to tell their parents where they were.
I have seen on very rare occasions a visitor not being asked to eat with the family but it is considered very rude. Actually, many American families will send leftovers home with guests if it is something they enjoyed or send a to go plate for someone not able to make it to meal.
That’s true. Any big party we had stuff went home with guests, even cake.
Yes, I'll never forget when I was in high school, I spent the day at the home of my BFF and spur of the moment she asked me to sleep over. So her dad, who was a bit of a jerk, told me to go home while they went out to eat instead of inviting me and then letting me take 10 minutes to pick things up after. My mom thought it was the rudest thing, especially since she had taken my friend out to eat tons of time.
@@harveythepooka wow, pretty rude!
Exactly! This is always the case whenever anyone in my family hosts a gathering. Everyone eats plenty while they're there, and nobody leaves empty handed. Lol Maybe it's just a custom unique to us Americans. *shrug*
Before Covid we would entertain often. I go to a restaurant supply store and get a package of commercial fast food containers. They have 3 or 4 sections and a cover..I always ask people: Please make a plate or two. I also did that for a huge pot luck. Instead of everyone taking their own dish home with left overs, people took a bit of everything and cleaned out the dishes. .
As an American, I find tag questions to be supremely irritating. It's like someone is trying to use psychology, usually poorly, to persuade (or dissuade) me of something. My immediate reaction is to get my hackles up. I feel like it's them trying to think for me which, given the American love of personal liberty, is a great way to piss one of us off.
I find the use of tags like "right", "don't you think", "eh", habitual and/or affirmation seeking. Kids use these often, and one can't discount the idea that they are verbal pauses that save awkwardness on abrupt endings, too.
@@mutteringcrone1210 That's an excellent point that I hadn't considered. Still feels manipulative, but maybe it isn't really.
yeah, that usually comes off as condisending which is an immediate "you suck" trigger, but knowing that they maybe dont mean it that way might make me less likely to get upset about it for no reason
Yeah I was gonna say that as an American, the tag question would seem passive aggressive to me.
@@HopeisAnger Do you try to manipulate others? That would be a reason for you being so needlessly defensive.
I'm American. The second someone comes into my home, I offer them a snack and a drink. If they're going to be a while, I think of how I can feed everyone lunch/dinner while they're with me, even if it's a surprise guest, showing up unannounced. I wouldn't dare leave anyone hungry. Just yesterday, my roommate's family was over, and even though it wasn't my family, I tried offering to buy a pizza so we could all eat together.
there's an expression: "if you go away hungry, it's your own fault"
Who's speaking, Bert or Ernie? 😂
Wow, can I come over?😀
Little smug about it, aintcha.
I agree. Even if you just run to the store to get some frozen lasagna to cook and crackers and cheese for the meantime.
In the southern US, you can't enter a friend's house at any time of day without being made to eat something. LOL
same in the midwest, walk in the house and get barraged with "hey need a beer, water, soda, i got chips, hold on i''ll toss a pizza in the oven"
"Dja eat yet?"
As a kid my Nan was aghast that our friends from the neighborhood helped themselves or opened the fridge! 😂
And definately dont say you havent had (insert any food item) in forever cuz itll be on the table in under an hour.
I'd never try it, but as a single man from Wyoming living down south right out of high school, I reckoned that I could drop in on any number of people from work or some of the clubs I'd joined three times a day and wouldn't have had to buy groceries for myself and they'd never think that I had imposed on them. By the way, the Poles are second to none in hospitality.
I'm Australian and we 'organise a plate', and invite our guest...wtf..if someone left me to eat, they would never see me again. WOW, insane.
As an american I realized I never ate at anyone's house growing up. Even if they were in the middle of cooking dinner when we stopped by, when dinner was brought up we would just say "no thanks we already ate" and then just...leave. And the other family would just put dinner on pause until we left.
I guess the idea of not eating around guests without them joining in is SO ingrained in us that we would sooner cut our visits short than stick around without eating.
Australian here, similar experience. Dinner getting ready was always the cue to leave and go back to your own home to eat 😅
Also American. That may be a regional thing. In my own family/friend circles (even strangers, perhaps) it is generally an act of good faith to accept a meal offered to you. If need be, you can always take it into another room and eat with your friends.
It was the same for us - if they're making dinner, it's time to go, but they would also offer to put another plate on the table for us. In no circumstance would somebody stay and not eat while the family ate.
There are few creators willing to say something positive about American culture. So thanks. Yes. We feed our guests, because we actually care about you. Its not because we are obligated to.
Maybe because there's so few positive aspects of a hyperviolent colonizing culture responsible for 400+ years of genoc!de, war, and perpetual crimes against humanity?
As an American, it’s not uncommon for my grown children, grandchildren, or siblings to bring an extra person or 3 to a family gathering for a meal. We always feed them and make them feel at home. For Thanksgiving we wound up with 23 people. No problem! As a child I was taught I needed to share whatever I had with whoever I was with, even if it was only a stick of gum or 1/2 of a candy bar.
My mother told me that it was bad manners to eat in front of someone without offering some to them. If it's a snack, and there isn't enough to go around, keep it to yourself until later. If it's a meal, adding another side dish enables the meat to stretch so a well stocked pantry is a must.
However, there have been times when I've been at someone's house and not invited to eat with them. It always made me feel like an outcast somehow. Now that I'm an adult, my pantry is well stocked and we can always make room at the table, regardless of how poor we are. It seems to me that you're more likely to be fed by a poor person - they know how it feels to do without.
Indeed. My mother grew up during the Depression. She always had room for more
@@LindaC616 And there was always a sandwich for an unemployed person who humbly knocked on the backdoor.
Can't be rich without being evil or you'll lose your riches.
I was brought up the same way, you never eat in front of someone without offering to share with them.
@@notinterested8452
Sorry, no. It's certainly easier to get rich if you're evil, but that doesn't mean worldly wealth is impossible if you're moral.
Most obvious example is Inherited Wealth/Large Windfalls. You didn't do anything wrong if you won the lottery, and unless you murdered your rich uncle, it's just a matter of luck.
In my experiences, usually if the host says "id better start cooking dinner now" instead of "do you want to stay for dinner" it means "go home so we can eat!" would never eat in front of a guest without giving them something, but if you're still there at that point you've made it awkward for everyone by not getting the hint. I live in Australia.
I'm American (Californian) and this is definitely my experience too. Well put.
Same in Texas
I would never ever not offer someone something to eat or drink. Bad manners and frankly unfriendly. If they're really your friend or family you'll want to eat with them.
The person cooking divides the food they have across the people in the room. If the portion size would be too small, then someone has to eat elsewhere.
@@greghight954 Now that surprises me.
My son's friend was my favorite way of emptying out my fridge of leftovers.
I cannot believe that there is a culture in the world that would invite a guest into their homes and then begin eating a meal without inviting them to join in. " Guests are sacred" is universal.
I don't suppose this refers to guests invited at that specific time, more the "Call round, next time you are passing" type of guest.
I called into a long time friend's house recently and they ate - but I was off for a 5km run in a few minutes so there's no way I was eating with them!
Different cultures have different norms and different ways of being polite. That’s what makes travel so interesting.
Yeah, the post was complete bullshit. As a Swede I have never even heard of this happening to anyone. Maybe some families are like this but it is quite rare
By the time someone is coming to my house they're either family or a close friend. I don't like people beyond that being at my house. So those folks already know to get off their asses and get something themselves without being told.
As a Hispanic American, I can confirm that it will take 30+ minutes to leave _any_ family gathering - birthday parties, funerals, quinces, a Tuesday lunch - because your fourth cousin's best friend that's basically family wants to know how you've been
Being from Wisconsin, I've been trying to leave my last family get together for the last three weeks. Uncle Stu just started talking about the Packers again. Help. Me.
@@silverwolfe3636 Bring up the Bears; sure, you might end up in the hospital but at least you’ll be free!
@@wuzittooya LOL. My grandad would definently love to talk about the bears.
And what job you work. Maybe that later is juust me
Also Hispanic, when we leave the gathering, people stand up and we talk and chat forever. Especially in rowdy Hispanic families - What? What'dja say? That's every Hispanic family? Oh, right.
Also known to some as the "Midwestern Goodbye" in more central states.
I was talking with some drunk Scottish guy and noticed that he was getting pissed real fast. He then stopped and said he was fighting the urge to smack me because I was eating while he was talking. I guess he thought it was so rude and I had never even heard that idea
Maybe he was being rude by talking while you were eating.
There is another angle to the etiquette rule of always offering guests food at mealtimes: it's also important that as a guest that was not invited over for a meal that you recognize when it's best that you leave and let your host and their family have their meal even if they do offer to let you join. Since it's practically unheard of for Americans to not offer guests a spot at the table, it's important to recognize that sometimes, even though your host is making a sincere offer, they clearly aren't prepared to entertain, and probably would feel a little awkward serving a guest whatever basic weeknight meal they'd planned to eat themselves.
If you make an excuse and leave at the right time, you increase the chances that you get invited over for dinner when your host is actually prepared to have a dinner party.
Yes, that's the key second part to this. You don't just pop by at dinner and if for some reason you have to you make an excuse to leave so they can eat.
In Japan, when you're offered a meal, it's code for "please leave now." Do not accept an invitation to dinner when you're at someone's house in Japan - you will be seen as selfish and rude. The "offer" is a discreet way for you to excuse yourself, basically allowing you to say "oh, no, I couldn't possibly bother you at dinner."
So this whole assumption that you're entitled to eating someone's food because you happen to be at their house just blows my mind.
Yeah, I was round a friend's to see his kid the other day, and as soon as they started prepping dinner, I took as my cue to start saying goodbyes.
Yep. I wouldn't necessarily feed a guest... If they weren't invited for dinner, I wouldn't necessarily want to start spreading portions thin and make others go hungry. To be fair there are caveats. It's all very well if it's someone who you love and care about, or someone very much in need possibly. If it's some irritating twit like a Jehovah's Witness (Yes I did. I invited her in because I used to work with her). But I wouldn't give them a meal, guest or not, they can sod off.
If you are in the south, an offer to eat is always a true offer to eat. I have never once had someone in the south not have enough food for who they have over. People in the south generally love displaying their cooking abilities, and love conversation. As such, they (generally) love having people over as long as you didn't just show up at random, and even that they may still legitimately want you to stay for supper.
I literally have lost friends because of not being invited to a meal. Me and my wife were at a college friend's house, and we had been there for a little while, when all the sudden they got up and went into the other room to have dinner. They didn't ask us to join, or ask if we wanted anything. Me and my wife agreed it was incredibly rude, and after that experience we haven't spoken since.
Wow did you ever talk to them about it? I never knew this was something that could just be a cultural difference. Or any chance they had assumed you would join them without them needing to say anything and that they actually thought it was weird that you didn't join them?
I never really thought about this before, but jesus, if that were me, I'd be very offended. It's like, you either kick someone out, or you invite them to eat with you.
I agree it was rude of your friends but not speaking to your wife is an equally strange action.
@@barongerhardt lmao
I wouldn't consider it rude, I would just assume I was not welcome with those people.
My favorite teacher was British, we’ll call her Mrs. E. It was the 90s and I was growing up in Las Vegas, NV. Mrs. E. shocked all of us when she pointed out that we all used “like” repeatedly without being very consciously aware of it. She challenged me to try to go the whole day without using “like” (she knew I was a proud word nerd). I was astonished by how dependent I was on this dumb, lil word! Thanks to Mrs. E, I pursued a career in education. And I can like totally turn on/off my addiction to- dammit!
So, I now challenge you to explain how to do something ... without saying the completely unnecessary redundant and superfluous phase "go ahead and ..." :-)
I can understand the word "like" slipping in to a persons speech but what amazes me is that sometimes some people go to the trouble of typing it in YT comments. The only time I've seem people type Umm and Aah is if they are writing it for effect.
Thank you for keeping it real here. There are so many negative stereotypes of Americans and I appreciate a non-American getting accurate info out there. But you're fully adopted and very glad to have you here!
Yeah we gotta be careful criticizing Americans otherwise they might fly to a foreign country and murder a few hundred thousand people.
Yep an American with an accent…
@@jonnycando We all have accents, everybody on the planet.
And would you like a sandwich or some snacks while you're here?
@@jonnycandoDude every American on the planet has an accent.
I've heard many times about LOUD Americans being noticed overseas. I'm sure there are some loud folks, but perhaps there are many quiet American tourists too, and they don't get noticed by the locals because they're quiet.
Also, I live in a tourist heavy area in the states and I think it's important to note that tourists in general are loud, regardless of where they are from. I've heard many different accents and trust me, they were all loud. Being excited and happy in a place where no one knows you will do that.
Interesting. I watched a video recently of a Japanese man traveling on a Trans Canada train whose comments section had posts of how loud Canadians were ! Maybe just having more wide open space allows for this. Densely packed small nations need to keep noise levels lower whenever possible for obvious reasons. And anybody who's been around some Greeks, Italians, Sicilians, African, Middle Eastern or select Latin American immigrants knows just how exuberant they are in conversation. They aren't anything like the French on a crowded sidewalk cafe.
Where I've gone, the tourists often dreamed most loud are Americans and Chinese. During my first time in Japan, for example, they were easy to spot from far away because of their sounds. But, I'm also an American. I am quiet in my country and abroad, and though I regularly hear annoying people here in the US, the contrast in a typically more quiet place where private and public is more defined was shocking. Our hosts in Japan insisted that we must originally be from England--Certainly not the southern US (well, I'm actually from Northern Michigan). I really didn't know what to think about that. While Americans are often easily identified, there are probably just as many who are not.
My daughter and I went on a trip to Ireland years ago and I decided doing a bus trip of all of the castles seemed like a great idea. So I'm from CO, my daughter's from VA. My daughter and I generally sat on the same seats everyday. There was this couple from Jersey that generally sat behind my daughter and I. They were so loud and rude and obnoxious I was embarrassed for my country. One time I said to the bus driver I swear we're not all like them. He was chill and said there was one every tour. I said I was sorry to him anyway.
Loud tourists are loud no matter what country they came from.
There just happen to be a lot more tourists that are American or Chinese.
As an American, there’s ways of having guests over without serving food. For example, I invite people over for a bonfire or dessert at a much later hour mentioning that we’re meeting up after dinner. Another option is after lunch so you’re only serving a snack, or after breakfast so you’re only serving coffee making sure people know that you have an engagement to be at for lunch.
Bottom line is:
You gotta serve something & if it can’t be a meal make it clear in the invite that it’s just dessert or a snack.
Why would you do that? Breaking bread is a social concept as old as humanity itself. It has tremendous social implications. I can't imagine inviting someone and making it so obvious you are NOT extending an invitation to eat.
@@Meira750 Usually it's a matter of everyone's broke and while yes, I want to have time with my friends, I can't afford to feed all of em a full meal or the time to prepare one. Evening fires are a great way of saying feed yourselves, bring your own snacks/beverages, and chill at my place.
It's like an even less formal version of a potluck. People will bring ready made items like chips or soda instead of a covered homemade dish or nothing at all. In my area, the go to is a jug of tea and chips with the only sober person responsible for the late night run for additional beer/snacks if things continue into the early morning.
With my family/friends its normally communicated that food isnt being made for the hang out and eat before arriving. Otherwise its a question if we want to make food, go out to eat or just eat a sandwich or snacks. The people coming over can pick what option works best.
@@Meira750 another option is a pot luck - which I wish people did more of those. But since our house is considered a ’hub’ it’s expensive to feed everyone every weekend. What’s most important is being together and sharing ideas.
In our family, we call it the "long goodbye." We take bets on how long it will take to get from the living room to the car. 20 min.? 30 min.? "Don't forget your brownies" and "Where did the kids' shoes get to?" and "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you." I always forget about the awkward final car goodbye. One last bit of gossip...one last reminder of the next family get-together...one last "Love y'all. Drive safe!"
And undoubtedly remembering you forgot your glasses/keys/wallet/etc in the house as you're at the car.
You didn't even include "goodbyes" outside next to the cars.
In Minnesota this process can sometimes take hours
@@brrjohnson8131 Not to mention the host(s) waiting outside for the guests to drive away so that they can wave goodbye!
@@rathersane never been a fan of when people do this. I like to take my time choosing my music and setting up my GPS before leaving, especially if it's a long trip. When they stand out the front I end up driving a block so I don't keep them waiting, and then doing this.
My husband's paternal grandmother used to say, "Get in this house right now, but not before you give me a hug! There's a ham in the fridge and a cake under the glass" because she met you on the porch for that hug and she ALWAYS had a big ham in the fridge and a cake sitting in a big glass covered cake plate...LOL. His maternal grandmother would also meet you on the porch, but she wasn't as much of a hugger. But, she would immediately direct you to the kitchen and list off the selection in the fridge. She didn't typically have a cake under the glass, which could explain the difference in sizes. Frankly, I preferred his dad's mom, she was a sugary sweet as that cake...LOL
When it comes to food hospitality, there are generational differences between Americans. For instance, my mother, who was born near the end of World War II, was raised by parents who were products of the Depression. My mother could remember many times in her primary school years when a friend of hers would be visiting around dinnertime, and her mother would announce to the friend, "It's time for dinner, so you'd better head home." For my grandmother, who grew up in an era when few people could afford to feed their families, sending a friend home before dinner made perfect sense. To my mother it was embarrassing and felt mean-spirited, and as a consequence when she became an adult she would feed anyone who walked through her door, even if she didn't have much to feed her own family. If you visit me around meal time, you will at least be offered a plate, and at most we will feed you so much you will have to be rolled out by Oompa-Loompas.
It’s funny because my (southern American) Grandmother was also a product of WWII and the depression she has the opposite reaction where she buys a lot of convenience stuff and constantly makes sure guests always have something to eat and drink. I think she hated rations and saving so much that she never wanted to return to that lifestyle so after she didn’t have to she abandoned that mentality. Not saying either reaction is right or wrong but it is interesting how peoples’ memories and reactions towards historical events can be so diverse.
Just to add another way different people handled the same situation, where I grew up (rural northeastern U.S.) the etiquette for visitors (particularly among older generations) was to always refuse an offer to join a meal and say that you needed to be on your way anyway. Especially during the Depression, but even at other times, it was understood that it would be rude for them not to offer, but also understood that nobody had much to begin with and you should not make them share what little they had.
I've also learned this being poor. If you notice food being prepared you make a exit. If you are forced to stay and eat it would be rude to leave I understand resources are limited and not impose...
If Oompa-Loompas have to roll you out, are you saying your food will turn guests into Giant Blueberries? 😊
That's a big difference too. If your family has enough it's no big deal but if you're on the edge of making it it's a pretty big deal.
I have to say, as an American living in France (10+ years), the tendency for the French (and Brits when I run into them) to pepper tag questions everywhere REALLY BUGS me. It comes off as passive aggressive. If you want me to do something, just say it. Big cultural difference, I find.
In America, a lot of tag questions in our lives come from supercilious people trying to get us to buy into something we don’t even have a choice about in the first place, like teachers or doctors. It feels like nails on a chalkboard to me, too, as a result. “We shouldn’t eat paste, should we?” “Let’s schedule you for that colonoscopy, shall we?” There’s another kind of question form that does feel more polite, making a request in a conditional form, which really does feel more polite: “Would you mind getting that off the shelf for me?” “Could you tell me if the train is late?”
Oh me too. My mom does this (American), and although I don't say anything, it really bugs me. Passive aggressiveness is a major pet peeve. Just say what we both know you're actually saying.
yes!! i was thinking god that sounds so bitchy
I've always just dismissed it as "how British people talk", never considered this a conflict avoidance strategy. Also low key how some people talk to their dogs. "We're a good boy, aren't we?" So I suppose it could sound condescending just based on that.
@@nimue325 very well explained thank you
I (an American) have recently had a surprise guest show up right as dinner was being finished up. They were not someone who would feel comfortable eating with us, so instead my co-host kept the guest occupied while I discretely set the meal up to be warm and ready whenever the guest was ready to leave. Hiding your food when it isn't appropriate to share is a hosting skill here in the US.
Lived in Scotland for a few years where I ran across the phrase, "keep your pecker up". While it was a polite reference to self-esteem over there, it translated differently to a Native Californian.
😮
And they laugh at us for our use of the word "fanny"? LMAO!!!
I'll have to use that phrase in a comment to one of Shaun's vlogs.
🤣🤣🤣
this made me laugh out loud
It IS very much "taboo" to point blank ask an American what their salary is. We do very much enjoy "family meals". I and my siblings are getting "old" but every Monday we go to Mom and Dads house for dinner and we talk about or lives and "catch up" with each other. Old stories are told, laughs are had, and Mom sends us all home with "leftovers". Someday I will miss that terribly.
I will add that you shouldn't ask what something cost either.
Why do you "type" like that
I live in Israel. I went for a pedicure the other day. My friend recommended the salon owner. She was a typical Israeli asking every personal question in the book. How much do I make, how much is my rent, when you go away will someone stay in your flat or will it be closed? The last question would make an American shudder but I have gotten used to it over the years. No one is going to come and break in. It's unmannerly but it is their way of showing interest and concern. It's really a different culture.
This is nonsense. I will guarantee that there is NO country or ethnic group on the planet where it is okay to ask such a question. It is simply not done.
@@DieFlabbergast i think its an age thing too, somewhat. Older ppl seem to care about it more
I was told by my mom that eating in front of someone else without sharing was rude no matter where we were, much more so at your own house. We definitely had an open door policy, we never locked the door and would encourage our friends to come in without knocking. My friend who was from New York often wondered how we weren't dead. The answer is obvious, day or night, our house was always full not only of my large family but all of our friends as well!! Trying to rob us would be suicide, my house is literally never empty
It is unimaginable not to include a guest in a meal in the US. I had thought this was universal.
I suspect it is more common than uncommon.
One person posted on Twitter about their experience with one Swedish family. The English-speaking internet concluded that this was thus a widespread cultural thing in Sweden, and it blew up into a whole thing about how northern Europeans are less generous than their southern counterparts.
It is, of course, utter nonsense - there are some stingy Swedish people, just as there are some stingy people everywhere - but it's not every single last person in Sweden who acts like this.
If someone is in your house and you didn't invite them in, they are trespassers.
If they are a welcome guest, not if they are imposing.
Bear in mind: many white Americans' ancestors came to America to escape places and situations where they were food insecure, and the ancestors of Europe's working class stayed in those places and lived through food insecurity. Even now, decades or centuries later, that can have had impacts on customs. The ability to feed your guests without minding the cost is something we are very proud of, even when it is objectively no longer as big a deal as it once was.
Good point
My husband was telling me about a custom his Grandmother told him of during the Depression if folks came to visit they were always offered food before they left, even if it was just peanut butter and crackers. She said you never knew if that would be the only food they would get that day, so it was important to make sure they had the opportunity to eat. This was in Michigan. I wonder how much of this custom of feeding guests is left over from that time.
I get it, but I just can't imagine. I'd rather not have guests at all if I had to eat with them there without having anything to offer. Even if someone says they don't WANT food I'm uncomfortable eating in their presence if they aren't. I'd either have to not eat while they were in the house, or tell them to leave before the meal and come back another time if I couldn't provide food for them. Or ask them (or have an unspoken expectation in the community) to bring their own food.
Astute insight.
To a point. Most Americans of ANY color will feed a guest even if they are currently food insecure. Or the meal will wait until the guest has left. It's really not about financial security. I've had times where I VERY much minded the cost, and I still fed my guest. If you don't have the ability to be a host, you don't invite people over, and if they show up anyway, you suck it up, one way or the other.
My wife and I made the mistake of an impromptu stop at my new brother-in-laws parents house, just because we found ourselves in their neighborhood. No warning mind, you, just knocked on their door to say hi. Could not leave until I had been filled to the gills with pork chops, pasta, salad, vegetables, cakes, and more than I can remember. Had to drive away in a food semi-coma. Oh yeah, they were Italian. Now that I think about it, maybe our hospitality rules are reinforced by all the hospitality rules of the many immigrants.
We’re all immigrants! 😂
I don't think I could eat in front of someone, in any situation, without offering them some. Much less in my home. Good lord.
I had an opposite experience once. My husband and some friends were on a ski vacation together. We stayed at a condo and they stayed at another place. Since we had a full kitchen I invited everyone of for breakfast before skiing. When they showed up they said that they decided they weren't all that hungry and my husband and I had to awkwardly eat breakfast while they sat on the couch waiting for us to finish.
@@daphnepearce9411 What a strange experience! They could’ve at least sat at the table with you and had coffee or something. Were they raised by wolves?
@@theheartoftexas .....it's possible.
@@daphnepearce9411 They should have left! But if they did stay they could have sat at the table & had a piece of toast or English muffin, whatever you had that was small & light. As an Italian American mother if you refuse my food you might as well have smacked me in the face!! 😲 But I bet you & your husband had a lot more energy & stamina with food in your stomach rather than just caffeine! ☺️
@@daphnepearce9411 Wonder if, after discussion, they'd decided they could be expected to reciprocate in a similar gesture -- and didn't feel $$ capable??
Part of the reason for not disclosing how much someone is worth is that few people tend to care. People want to speak to each other as peers and money talk tips that balance.
I fully agree, it’s comical to me to think of even broaching that subject with somebody.
Yep. Maybe if you're talking with coworkers it's a good idea to compare salaries with your peers to avoid getting screwed, but in any other situation it's just going to put a wedge between you.
On the topic of sharing food, I experienced this on a whole other level when flying from the US to South Korea. The (presumably South Korean) people in my aisle offered to share their snacks with me. We hadn't been talking to one another either. This has always left me wondering if it's rude to eat in front of even strangers in public places without sharing in South Korea!
I am the same on planes! I feel self-conscious about the noise my snack is making, and I would feel bad to make them hungry if they don’t have anything! So if it’s not a mealtime on the plane, I always offer a bit of my snack to my seat mates. Not an equal portion, just a taste, like two or three small pieces.
Haha! I've heard that lingering while leaving a family gathering is referred to as a 'Midwest Goodbye' so it might not be a general American thing.
It's funny because I grew up in the Midwest and did not experience that ever. But my friend in Minnesota is horrendous on the phone.
I have midwestern relatives... so I guess that explains my tendency for a long goodbye
I'm from PA, and we do this. My one uncle will walk outside to your car and start saying goodbye and he'd start up an entire new conversation and you'd end up wasting half a tank of gas .
@@randolpho- Aawww that’s sweet. Better than an Irish goodbye 😂
@@LindaC616 I married a Minnesotan. The Minnesota Goodbye is a real thing. It could literally take an extra two hours to leave the inlaws' house. Sitting in the car, talking out the window...move down the driveway a bit, stop, talk some more...the invitation to get out and have another piece of pie...oh, it can be endless! And I laugh every time it happens, still.
I've lived in Scotland, England, Norway and Sweden. The idea of feeding family but not people in the house is completely alien.
Wait, what???
Oh, I'm sorry. For a second, I though you were saying that you fed people to aliens.
(Boy, did I get that one wrong...)
@@thudthud5423 lol
Am Swedish and yeah, never even heard of it happening. It really annoys me that people take some random reddit post as absolute fact without ever checking to see if its true
My Finnish friends (like most people in the world, more or less)cannot eat in front of a guest without placing food in front of them after they’ve already refused (I hadn’t come to eat, just a long night of socializing). And they break out the good liquor if it’s the right time of day. It’s civilized!
@@Puckosar As an American, this is kind of what being the dominant media exporter is like. Few of us live like TV or movies (of course, because art or just pop culture, should deliver something that removes you from real life). Comedies show so many rude and loud people; dramas show so many crimes. (Of course, an American idea of Sweden is that all of your furniture is flat-packed, you all eat meatballs, and if we manage to consume your media then we think you have perfectly clean and minimalist houses where depression causes you to do weird things in the winter. Sigh.)
And here the dream at the beginning of the internet was that the free flow of information was that we would learn more. To get a deeper, more nuanced view of each other, and learn that perhaps most countries have both better things and worse things than your own, that we can always learn something from another place, and in the end we would come up with better and better ideas for our own countries because of the expanded access to true knowledge. Hahahahaha….
My neighbor friend used to be dismayed when she interrupted us eating dinner. But we had no set time as my father was a surgeon. We joked that we were always eating. She was always welcome! Miss her.
The brevity of the Gettysburg Address is a big reason why it's become so famous - unlike most political speeches of the era, it was short enough to be reprinted in a newspaper column.
As an American and Southerner, there are two points of social order to recognize about expecting guests to eat when they're present for meal times... Obviously, everyone in the comment section has noted that we ALWAYS offer snacks and drinks when someone comes over...
As a sort of "outer circle" friend who might not have visited or just isn't frequently over, there's a formal offer or invitation involved. We get up and can even suggest a whole menu of options almost like a restaurant, depending on what's on hand (and we have that memorized at least to 95% precision)...
As an "inner circle" friend, you become basically family. You're expected to know you can grab a soda or beer out of the fridge, coffee from the pot, and where the cups are. You may even have one particular that's basically assigned to you, either from some fit for your personality, or simply because of your delight when you first noticed it... AND of course, it's a "standing offer" whenever a mealtime approaches, that you join right in like anyone else in the household.
This might not entirely be universal through the States, but more often than not, you can gauge your standing with someone when they simply expect you to completely relax and make yourself at home...
AND OF COURSE, a "to-go" plate is arranged for someone who couldn't make the get-together, especially if there was any kind of planning about it, like holiday meals or some interpersonal celebration for (say) a promotion or an anniversary of some kind. It's just awkward and uncomfortable for someone to be considered a "guest" and is then neglected or left out of things like meals. ;o)
Agreed 100%. I'm a Midwestern, with 2 set pf parents, one Jewish! "Eat, eat!"
The dirty secret of the to-go plate - we tend to cook way too much food and need excuses to get rid of it that don't include the trash
@@MiaHessMusic
Oh heavens, I can so relate--Jewish-American both sides (and both sets of grandparents immigrants)--my maternal grandmother had a somewhat "spiky" personality; the way that she showed you love was to feed you. 😄
Northeast here - same, though we often send folks home with specific leftovers (you take the pie, you take the potatoes) and don’t create plates for absent friends. (Edit - the to go plate sounds like a great idea though!)
@@nimue325 The to-go plate is a slightly lesser used/acknowledged tactic... Usually it comes up like "Oh, Suzie would SO love to be here, but the poor dear caught a tummy bug and just couldn't make it."
Resulting in a ram-shackle collecting of containers so there's at least double helpings of each course and side for the meal, all stacked together and half the family gets involved in helping bring the "to-go" out to a vehicle... (okay, just kidding, but only sorta...)
The advent of "ordinary stores" offering those clam-shell devices like restaurants do was a huge hit in my area... allowing "regular folks" to pack together such "to-go" operatives with little more than a 99-cent investment... OBVIOUSLY worth it, so nobody has to lose "Tupperware" even if it's mostly butter and grated cheese containers to begin with... haha... ;o)
As a child I always hoped that my parents would take there time leaving, so I could play and chat with my cousins longer,( vice versa) we would always jump with joy saying "there talking about politics we will be here for another hour!" Good times before everyone grew up and started hating eachother,
For us it was more likely that generally they would say it's time to go, they would make us kids clean up the toys and get ready, then we'd all stand by the door for 20 minutes or so while us kids just shuffled our feet and looked bored, thinking about the toys we had to put away for no good reason.
I am English and always happy to share our food with friends and if there wasn’t enough of what I had cooked for the family to share with them I would always offer them a sandwich or a salad as always have that sort of thing in the fridge. I can’t imagine sitting down to eat and not offer a friend to join us.
right i would feel awkward just sitting there eating while someone is just sitting there watching, at least make an offer.
Smaller portions for all, or buy more food.
@@miriamcohen7657 you are saying buy more food for people that you don’t know are turning up around dinner time and I have already said that if there wasn’t enough of what I had cooked for the family I would offer them something else…. Do you get off on picking holes in folks or denouncing them for not having cooked for 8 when there is only 4 in your family? Guests don’t always arrive alone, how do I make a meal for 4 stretch to 8 ? When it is perfectly fine to offer them something else… if you have family or friends turn up for the evening and end up staying over do they all sleep in your bed or do you spread them around and some get an air bed/sofa bed or stowaway mattress? Or maybe you pop out and buy a couple of extra beds🙄🙄🙄
@@nickyphoenix2470 Oh come on Nicky, give folks a little credit for having common sense.
Cook for 4, but have maybe 4 visitors show up unexpectedly? If a little stalling to eat doesn't work, then try the old, "We were just about ready to eat. We don't have much, but you're welcome to join us." If it's obvious little is on the table, the guests likely would decline. If not, then all share small portions and the home folks fill-up later. I'd think it'd be a cue that it was time to leave.
I live in the south. I'm one of 4 kids, Momma was one of 13, and her dad was one of 18. It wasn't unusual to have kinfolk drop by. They'd always be welcomed to stay for dinner or supper. If nowhere near mealtime, then something was always offered ... a piece of cake or pie (southerners love sweets), a "coke" (that's any carbonated soft drink in these parts), or maybe a glass of iced tea.
Guests... even unexpected ones at mealtime... were always a treat and enjoyed. It was a darned sight better in times past than the inpersonal contact of social media that's now the norm. Enjoy personal contact when you can. It's becoming a rarity. So glad I'm old enough to have known a different world.
I'm American but live in the UK and have never noticed it being a cultural thing here where guests don't have to be invited to eat with hosts. I'd find it extremely rude, but I'm not sure this one is accurate - I've certainly never experienced it.
My father wanted plain meals, a meat and two veggies. No casseroles. There were four of us, therefore there was four pieces of meat. There was always plenty of vegetables. If a visitor showed up at meal time, my mother suddenly wasn't very hungry or the children gave up their portion of meat and got some favorite food, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.. It was considered rude to visit at mealtime. But if someone did, they were fed.
Your comment reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend... She was telling me how at a big family dinner she didn't have enough baked potatoes and asked her 20 yrs old daughter to split one. But her daughter was very hostile about it & refused. She was asking my advice and I explained that would never happen in my house because I would have gone without, without saying anything to anyone. But if I had said something to my son, he & I would have argued insisting the other take the whole potato. But we would have never let any guest (family or otherwise) know anything about it!! Because he was raised that guests come first!! So yes, I understand and agree with what you said! 💞
@@cindyp5132 I can't imagine refusing to share food with my own mother. At 20 years old, no less. That's the behavior of a 4-year-old.
Yeah, this is a good note. Generally if you're going to show up at someone's house for supper you arrange it ahead of time, other meal times are fine I think. My parents would always joke about dropping by people's homes at supper time, but we never actually did that or expected to be fed if we incidentally showed up when people were eating. "They gotta get supper on the table, so we'll head out" was not an uncommon phrase. Now obviously anyone dropping by our house was offered food even if it wasn't meal time, I do the same at my house, even to the point, of, "Are you hungry? There's 3-day-old pizza in the fridge."
American here, in that situation I would have told my mom to split a potato with my dad because I wanted a whole one lol. But if there was meat the guest can have all of mine. It just depends on what foods you prefer, I think.
And if I was the one initiating the splitting so that a guest could eat, I’d just ask “hey does anyone want to split a potato with me?” So that whoever volunteers is a willing volunteer and not someone I put on the spot. I don’t know who the least hungry person is, so I’d want them to volunteer themselves.
Exactly this, if there is food exactly for 4 people and 5th shows up, then it's impolite to say "no" if they want to eat, but it's also inconvenient for the person who made food. Forcing people into situations, where they have to inconvenience themselves if they don't want to be impolite is in itself impolite.
As a kid my brother's best friend's mother didn't invite him to eat dinner with them, despite him staying at their house until late at night, and my family thought it was really weird. It's assumed that you're gonna feed the person at your house, especially if it's a kid.
Aussie here. If my brothers friends had stayed to eat at our place every other night, there wouldn't have been enough food for us. It would also be considered incredibly rude for the parents to assume another family would feed their own kid. Dinner preparation is the cue to leave and go home to your own place to eat!
@rhythmandblues_alibi - exactly how my parents taught us. American here. If we were hanging out at a friend's house SO long that the friend was needing to eat - THAT WAS OUR CUE THAT IT IS TIME TO GO HOME & EAT AT OUR OWN HOME!
@@rhythmandblues_alibi That is true for adults stopping in for a quick visit, but if you're going to be there for a while, there's going to be food involved, and food is for everybody present.
Especially for kids, they aren't expected to follow the same etiquette for family. My son's friends would come in our house, they knew where the snacks were kept. Same when my son went to other people's houses, it all evened out.
I am Canadian, you just always offer anyone at your house food and drink... period. I can't even imagine not feeding people - any people in my house 😂
At least offer a cup of tea...
emphasis on least!
lol
As an American, I can't imagine having a guest over and eating a meal without them. Even if they're not hungry, they're still welcome at the table. If someone's in my house, they're either a guest or an intruder. A knife may be the right call in both cases, for different reasons.
The thought of not offering someone food or alternatively not being offered food makes my skin crawl.
So right about the coffee cup size! Everywhere I have ordered coffee in Europe, it came in a cup that belonged in my kids play kitchen. Sometimes it is extremely strong, like in Italy, but still very small. ( Had to use a “like” after your comment)
The thing is, Italians drink many of those tiny cups a day.
Lots of small cups at different local establishments instead of one big one at the one big multi-national business keeps small businesses alive in small towns
yeah, but you used "like" as it is grammatically intended, not as a filler word.
Coffee in the US and coffee in Southern Europe are two very different things. American coffee could be compared to tea whereas European coffee is concentrated (espresso) and a mug of it would make you jump to the roof! That's why it's often served with a glass of water.
@@Alex-mp1zb I don't understand how they (Americans) drink it. Surely they have trade laws where something has to be fit for purpose!
I realize different cultures have different norms, but … how in the heck do you sit and eat in front of a guest and not offer them some chow? That’s inconceivable to me.
Yeah, that'd be pretty weird. Even when the other person can't eat that food, isn't hungry or something else it's pretty awkward. Like I can't eat a lot of food, but it's sort of strange when it's happened.
If the visitors invited themslves, I wouldn't feel bad having them watch what we would have been doing without them. I don't handle drop ins graciously. Early on I ask them where they are staying and how far it is, implying that any time they wanted to get their asses there would be peachy with me.
@@grayforester You sound like a real ray of sunshine. I would be kind of surprised that you had any visitors.
The thing is that this is not a common thing in the UK, it's just Laurence applying his experiences to the whole country and getting it wrong, again.
It's definitely not common in the UK. In fact I have never experienced it in my life. In fact sitting a guest in a corner and not offering them food whilst other people are eating is so outlandish it's worrying what sort of family Laurence was brought up in.
When I lived in the UK, my dad organized a southern style summer cookout in our close.
The Brits were hesitant at first but good spirited.
It ended up being a smash.
Everyone loves a good bbq.
Two options if you don't have enough food and there are guest in the house at meal time. 1: Offer the guest a meal and either divide it evenly and everybody gets less or feed the guests more and you eat less. 2: don't serve anyone until they leave and don't mention that it is meal time.
The huge pile of leftovers in the fridge comes in handy when you have unexpected guests. You can typically augment a meal.
I remember a story my mother told of the Priest visiting at meal time and we only had 2 porkchops that we were stretching for 4 people. That night it was stretched to 5.
What would happen if a Brit said: "sorry for the mess." when the house is pristine. Then the visitor said: "No Worries, I'll wait until you get done cleaning up."
HA! I'm gonna use that. ;'D
One Christmas in Mississippi I went to a friend's home for dinner. There was MOUNTAINS of food! Two turkeys, roasted whole pig, chicken and sausage gumbo, beef brisket and all the side dishes you could imagine. There was also an eight foot table for desserts. In the South you don't necessarily invite an army of people to dinner, friends and family and neighbors just come and go all day. At the end of the day, my friend had counted 75 people stopped in and had a plate of holiday dinner.
Sausage gumbo & brisket......I'm going to that house!
Nowadays
There ain’t much on the plates cuz the table didn’t much from the stove even tho it’s posta be Turkey Day or NY’s Day
I love how you describe tag questions. My extremely shy husband (both of us Americans) used to end his sentence with a very awkward "or..." as if he was going to suggest an alternative.
In the early 80s while stationed in Germany. I was temporarily assigned to a British unit. There were rules for coffee. Morning was served black. Tea time coffee could have milk or sugar. Not both. After dinner coffee had milk and sugar. That's crazy for an American.
And the French only have milk in their coffee in the morning. If you order a café au lait in the afternoon, they'll look at you funny 🙂
It's also bizarre for this British person - I've never encountered such a rule! Perhaps it was just a personal preference of their commander, and all the other Brits just went along with it rather than make a fuss. I can imagine that happening.
@@james-p Italians are similar. Cappuccinos are drunk in the morning with your "cornetto" (croissant) or other pastry. If you order a cappuccino in the afternoon, your barista will look at you funny and you might as well have a sign around your neck that says "straniero" (foreigner) in huge letters.
@@zyoninkiro I always look upon that as a blessing. Foreigners are expected to have inexplicably foreign ways. It's part of the fun of foreigners - to see what nonsense they get up to. And if you ARE said foreigner, it's remarkably freeing to be given special dispensation for not sticking to rules you don't even know yet. Even if it means you're part of the entertainment.
@@AbsentWithoutLeaving Around here you might hear "You're not from around here, are you?"
I'm an American etiquette consultant married to a Brit and specialize in both cultures etiquette. Americans typically have hospitality like no other continent I've visited or lived on.
As a Louisiana American, we serve any guests first at mealtime, no matter who no matter what. I remember having contractors working on my walkway behind the house and making them stop and come eat some sandwiches with our family for lunch. No wasn't an option, and we weren't going to eat without them. It's just American, and also Southern American, hospitality.
As an American of Italian/Puerto Rican decent I can't imagine NOT inviting my guests to dinner! My food is boom and if I ever thought of doing it I'm willing to bet my Italian grandmother's ghost would beat me with a spoon.
In Australia if someone just drops in the minimum hospitality is to offer a cup of tea or coffee. The minimum gracious response is "yes please", even if you don't want a cuppa, even if the beverages on offer are of the cheapest sort (I'm looking at you instant coffee and you, tea bag). It's not about the beverage, it's about friendship. I always offer biscuits or cake or whatever coffee/tea appropriate snack I have on hand. If it's getting close to meal time, an invite is always extended.
They don't have to accept but I would at least make the offer. As a general rule, I don't tend to keep biscuits and cakes on hand but I'll offer them a cuppa.
I've seen Father Ted where Mrs Doyle insists in making a cup of tea even if they say no, but I personally prefer saying what you mean.
I'll always offer tea or coffee, even to tradies, but I was brought up to leave a friends home at dinner time, and I would see it as rude if someone stayed past dinner time without a prior invitation for them to come round for dinner.
@@rhythmandblues_alibi Yup I would consider it rude if someone just showed up around dinnertime (without a dinner invitation) and expected to be fed.
You phrased that very well. This Canadian agrees.
How loud an American is absolutely depends on Geography. In the Southeast people talk rather quietly most of the time, while Northeastern folks tend to be really loud and boisterous especially when having fun. It's fun being with "loud Yankee" friends, they really know how to pet loose and enjoy your company! 😂
I am the resident "loudmouth yankee" in my southern workplace and I have definitely learned to tone it down over the years.
I've lived in various places across the US (and internationally to some extent). It's much more of an individual thing, I haven't noticed any one area that is consistently louder than another.
For instance I have a friend here in Chicago, he goes to S. Carolina regularly, and they frequently tell him to speak up, because they can't hear him (he does talk quietly, and perhaps having a northern accent makes it harder for them to understand him).
I moved to WV a few decades ago from SLC, raised in the northeast but have lived in several states. I have friends/family in S.C.,Georgia and Virginia as well as many still in N.E.
I do not see much difference between the areas but rather the person themselves.
I am an American and have always assumed the tag question was people just being rude.
It is rude. It's sounds condescending. It's as if they are talking to child or a dog.
@@jennybtx ive always taken them as condescending as well.
so condescending!
@Mark Lambert
It isn't rude at all. As explained in the video, they're trying to sound less-militant. It's not always about you, Honey! Stop being offended at simple cultural differences. (So typically American, though! It's gotta be all about YOU, and you have to be OFFENDED at EVERY dang thing!)
@@lisahinton9682 You shouldn't be so angry that other people experience things differently, should you? That's not something a polite person would do, is it?
Reading the comment about food insecurity, I agree most of us were taught generosity regardless of ability to provide. Having grandparents who spoke of the Depression and/or the Blitz, it was a point of pride to serve a cake and coffee when a visitor dropped in. That’s not the social custom now, but it’s always polite to offer a beverage and/or snack.
I agree. My dad was born a month before the depression and he was the first to offer food. Food becomes sacred when you go without so, for him, feeding others was almost a need.
Sad to see those customs go. I’m an American and when I moved 15 years ago to a southern state, I was welcomed by my older neighbors with cakes or cookies. It was so nice. It doesn’t happen in Northern states. Today, the younger generations have not continued this “Southern” tradition. It’s slowly going away.
That's quite different to expecting to be offered a full meal - if the family meal has been prepared, then it would be polite to make your excuses and leave.
@@sameebah if someone is staying long enough for a meal, it's automatically offered. It would bv e weird to eat in front of others. To be honest, american customs dictates that eating in front of another in your home without offering food is rude. You just don't do it.
When I was young and had a friend over and there wasn't enough to share, the friend would just be sent home. They wouldn't just be banished to a different room while we ate.
As an American - Yes, we are loud and childlike when we're visiting a continent that isn't on our daily commute! We get excited visiting an adjacent state!
I was raised that nobody steps into your house without being offered food/drink.
We drink water lol (the kids have milk daily). I say, do u want water or water when ppl ask for a drink lol
They just can’t believe it!
Thank you Laurence. We’re not nearly as bad as we’re made out to be, (at least most of us aren’t) and you’re one of the few people born out of the country that sets the record straight.
It amazes me that perfectly intelligent people, think TV characters are like real people. Or, take the worst person in the country, and judge the whole population by that person.🤗🐝❤️
It's easier than thinking (at least some of can still do that) !:-)
💜🙏⚡️
Nope, Americans don’t stereotype or generalize. 🙄
And yes, the ones you let outside your borders … *are*. We can always spot the Americans, and not because of their respectful or considerate behaviour. You didn’t get your reputation from TV or movies; they started parodying what you were already doing with zero self-awareness.
@@whatifschrodingersboxwasacofin I'm sure when you're in another country you fart rainbows. All tourists suck.
@@whatifschrodingersboxwasacofin Really? ALL Americans that leave the country? I dare say you’ve met a handful, if that, and no more. So how can you, or anyone know what “Americans” behave like who leave the country? Of course there are ignorant/bad mannered Americans who go abroad. There are ignorant/ bad mannered people from every country who go abroad, but that doesn’t make the country bad as a whole.
@@squirrel2000 very well said 🐝🤗❤️
We have always had an "open pantry" where if someone (whether we know you or not) can raid our pantry for food. We've had friends and strangers (soon to be friends 😊) drop by when they ran into food difficulties. We also frequently open our home to others. We are blessed to have a dry place to sleep, plenty of food, hot water & clean towels...so we've always shared these because it does not cost us much to share, but if you're struggling, these basics can be overwhelming difficult to obtain. We are not rich, but we have what we need, and our extra we share. 💚💙💜
We once took our kids to a park in Dallas to play. A short distance away a family was having a large birthday party and, just before they cut the cake, asked us to join them. Total strangers, offering us cake and hospitality, for no other reason than to be kind and welcoming.
I’m a Texan, and I feel that what that family did was simply the right thing to do. Same thing I would have done.
As an American who takes hospitality very seriously, not inviting someone to eat is a culture shock!
I always find this interesting. As a linguist and someone who grew up in Washington State, I've noticed our speech is much closer to BE than the rest of the US. Perhaps it's because a little over 100 years ago we were jointly owned by both England and Anerica, or because our closeness to Canada, I dunno. However, tags and quiet speech are the norm here.
As to food, yeah, that comes from our early history where everyone relied on everyone else. No matter how poor someone was you never let a stranger go hungry. My great aunt who lived through the Depression used to say "there's always room for one more", and would throw another potato in the pot or water down the soup
Also, I'm an American who hates coffee and prefers tea. We just say "wanna get coffee" to mean met up there over actually drinking it, though many do
A very unappreciated sense of humour. Although I notice you misspelled "inneresdin".
I'm German and apparently a lot of families here also don't always invite guests to eat with them. Personally I have NEVER experienced this and I think it would be beyond rude. Even if you didn't cook enough you can still share what you have and then just have a snack afterwards if you're still hungry, unless you really can't afford it.
Every year, the Italian-Americans comprising one-half of my family gather to celebrate the Feast of the town in Italy where one set of my great-grandparents were born. This Feast dates back to about the year 800, and that is not a typo. We all invite our other relatives, friends, neighbors, and co-workers to an "open house" party. They are told specifically not to bring anything, but some do anyway. Many of us are indifferent to the religious origin and rituals of the Feast; for us, it's about enjoying each other's company and honoring our ancestors by continuing the tradition. I would imagine that in the past, this was a way to politely flaunt your hospitality and therefore your wealth to your poorer neighbors.
But then again 70 years ago in America, weren't most of the people on the block related to you in some way or another?
@@LindaC616 Probably not everywhere, but more likely to be true. Especially in the neighborhood my grandparents lived in, which was an ethnic enclave in a larger suburban/urban city. Nearly all the people in this neighborhood were immigrants from the same town in Italy.
I'm curious as to which Italian town and festival/feast you are referring to. I'm half Italian (half French-Canadian) and we have one of those feasts too.
Feast days are a big deal in Catholicism, even now. A town's patron saint, a parish's titular patron, and especially name days. My non-Catholic friends only had birthdays, and the usual holidays, poor saps.
@@unrulysue6927 The Italian name of the feast is "Festa della Madonna della Civita," or "St. Mary's" for short in English. The Italian town/city is Itri, located between Rome and Naples. The American city is Cranston, Rhode Island.
Even though I come from a large family (14 children), we didn't have much extended family in our growing up years; and none that we saw regularly. So we just adopted everyone we got to know! I think our largest Thanksgiving ended up with 70-80 people! But, Christmas was more just for family, and a few friends that had become like family. It was always our habit to invite people that were around at mealtime to join us. But we also tried not to "accidentally" hang out at other people's houses at mealtimes (unless we had been specifically invited to do so); particularly if all of us were present! 😊 If we were invited someplace for a meal, we usually offered to bring food to contribute to the meal. Note that I've moved out, and live a good distance away from all my family, among people I had never met 2 years ago, I always feel the urge to offer food anytime a need is mentioned. (A new mom needs meals, visitors to the church need someone to host them, etc.) I even got help preparing (and paying for) a Thanksgiving meal for about 40-45 people last year!
My parents were children during the depression. They both used to recall having visitors, and making sure the visitors had enough to eat, even if the family went hungry for weeks after.
How sad
My family calls that odd tendency to linger after social gatherings "getting caught in the tractor beam" but I think that's just my nerdy folks.
I love that!! My family is a bunch of nerds too so I'm going to have to remember that one.
HAHA! As an American, I immediately responded to the "you should make sure not to burn the frenchfries, shouldn't you?" with the thought, "how passive-aggressive!" It came across as more acerbic and sarcastic than "Make sure not to burn the frenchfries" would. I'll have to keep this in mind for any cross-pond interactions I have in the future!
The social pressure to feed guests in America is very strong. It is actually so strong that many people are unable to take a polite "no thanks" from a guest. We will continue to repeat offers of food or drink, try to persuade guests to eat, and offer an increasingly wild selection of everything we have in the kitchen. Guests will often take food they don't want just to end the conversation. But if I think about it logically - if someone is not hungry, why should that bother me?
". . . when an unannounced . . . conversation added 30 minutes to our exit strategy." My grandfather use to say that he always counted the number of step to the front door when he and my grandmother went visiting so he could time the length of the "goodbyes" as there would be a conversation for every step upon their leaving.
The Swiss are masters in that. There is the universaly known cue word "also" which indicated that I should go/they should go soon. 10 minutes later they slowly walk to the door and talk even more, a second "also" follows. After like 30 minutes the person is gone. The same goes for phones. I often hear people say something like: "yeah, sure, ciao, ciao, yeah, sure, yes of course, ciao, have a good day. Of course, see you ciao, tschüss, ciao ciao"
@@Leenapanther I know exactly what you mean as I was married to a Swiss for 22 years. There are so many words and phases that keep the conversation going, as you said, in person and on the telephone. You brought back many memories! Thanks
🤣👍🏽Truth!--Not Swiss here, but Boy!--Can my Mum talk! It would be the depths of winter, we'd be leaving, so my coat, hat & boots got donned--only to pull them off all sweaty because nearly an hour later we haven't left yet--repeated 4-5x per visit!
This happens to me. I’m disabled and my body tells me when it’s time to go, yet the person driving me home turns goodbye into a 20 minute conversation. So I end up staying seated. Then they turn to me and say tell me when you’re ready to leave, with the reply that I said it 3 goodbyes ago.
I would lose my mind with this
My oldest son had a friend who would never sit down to dinner with us. I asked my son why, he told me friend’s family only had one serving apiece for family members. He didn’t want anyone to not have enough. Told son to have friend come into kitchen while I was cooking so friend could see how much was being served. It worked. Friend ate with us two or three times a week.
Wonderful kid, we loved him.
This why we went home before dinners
Each family only had enough for each member
We had homework and tv shows to watch before baths anyway!
From earliest childhood, I was taught that if I was getting anything to eat or drink or even a stick of gum, I was to offer to get some for any other person(s) who might be present. If there was not enough to go around, then I would have to wait until few enough people were there that whatever it was could have been shared, if everyone happened to say, "Yes, please!" That was some of the reason it was considered impolite to drop in at someone else's house during a typical mealtime, or to unnecessarily prolong a visit into mealtime; the other person would feel obliged to invite you to join in the meal, or to delay their own meal until you left. I think that an increase in restaurant dining and a decrease in the consistency of meal schedules has somewhat softened these rules, but not much.
As a midwesterner, apologizing for “the mess” is standard etiquette here too. But ALWAYS have snacks and drinks at the ready, and if its our meal time, it’s expected they are automatically invited to eat as well.
As for the money talk, I think that that’s slowly getting worked out as a generational thing. I remember my dad, a boomer, giving me “the five things you NEVER talk about” speech. But as an older millennial, I’ve never had a problem talking finances (or any of the “five”) with my friends or people younger than me.
I lost count of how many times I would eat a peanut butter sandwich in the kitchen when one of my husband's single friends showed up at dinner time. I always offered them a meal, even if I only made enough for the two of us.
In my travels in Europe I believe an American accent has some quality that slices through background noise even if the volume is not any higher. Another factor is that Americans in Europe are usually on vacation and so are happier. This adds a brightness and attracts attention.
Interesting insights.
For most Americans, a trip to Europe is a once or twice in a lifetime experience, we don't get much free time AND it horribly expensive in time and money to leave the country.
I was going to make this comment if I didn't see it. As an amateur linguist, I remember reading somewhere it's something about the way we form our vowels that make our voices carry more. I think that plus the unexpected situation of the average person hearing an American accent in the sea of English accents, probably makes us seem louder even though we're no louder (or quieter) than anyone else. [by unexpected I just mean it's not something that happens everyday to the average person outside of tourist spots. ]
Yes. People from the US are loud. But so are the Spaniards and the Italians. In France and Northern Europe being loud is considered vulgar.
To add to Rebecca's point, our less educated people can afford these extremely low-cost tour trips only once or twice in their lives, so they end up packed into tour buses with other people like them and draw attention to themselves at major tourist attractions. Mix this with the large US population and your odds of seeing a bunch of rude American tourists is much higher. The US is also vast, so the odds of people in the US seeing tourists is lower than in most countries, but the US does have an Asian tour group stereotype for what is likely a similar reason.
I parsed the question as "feeding visitors to your house", and wondered how they knew that your house eats people.
My family always had this habit when guest were leaving the house--they would walk the person out to their car, and then talk to them through the window for about 10-20 minutes. It didn't matter how hot or cold it was, or if it was sunny or raining/snowing. Every time a guest left our home, a family member (usually my dad) would walk them to their car, and then say goodbyes for 10-20 minutes. It never occurred to me that that may not be normal.
In my opinion
It’s not
But I was raised different so I’ve never done it nor but rarely had it done to me
Three things I've learned never to discuss.. Politics, Religion and money.... but would make chit chat about everything else ☺️
@@busimagen I was born well before the 1970... always just been a southern rule 😂❤️
I think it is a good idea not to talk about these three. I think you are just asking for trouble if you do.
@@mavahuth5044 You don't talk about politics and religions with your family during dinner? Next to work related topics these two things are the main topics at our dinner table.
@@Leenapanther No I don't don't talk politics with one of my sister's. She would just get mad. We don't agree on it. Also I don't talk about politics with a friend of mine, because we don't agree on this topic. We just agree not to talk about it. I don't talk politics at work, because I had somebody at get right in my face and tell me I was wrong. I didn't even start talking about it.
@@Leenapanther Never have, one time my daughter in-law brought it up with grandchildren at table, I excused myself.. our son was like 😳
This is interesting as a Canadian.
I could not imagine eating a meal without offering my guest any. It feels so rude I can’t even conceptualise it.
But I also fill my requests with so many tag questions, qualifying phrases, and indirect speech that direct commands make me feel like a person is being rude.
man, as an American, the leading questions are what feel rude. it feels very condescending, as if I'm being treated like a child
@@psalm91rdwlkfpgrl Amen to that!
@@psalm91rdwlkfpgrl Exactly. "You should make sure you don't burn the fries, shouldn't you?" The "shouldn't you?" makes it sound like you didn't actually know that you weren't supposed to burn them. The subtext is you're an idiot. (Honestly the "you should" at the start also feels a little patronizing, but not nearly as much as the tag question.)
Though to be fair, context and tone is a big factor. If someone gave me command with a leading or tag question one time, I might think it odd, but probably wouldn't think it rude. It's only when its a pattern that it becomes rude/offensive/condescending or if it is said in a certain tone or with a pause before the "shouldn't you".
@@kaitlinphilipp87 think the most polite way of saying that phrase would incorporate neither. Say something like "it's imperative that these fries are cooked well, but not overdone. That way, you emphasize importance without making presumptions of judgement.
Context matters though, and I think if you add tag lines when the situation is something more dire, it will come across as more rude than being blunt because sometimes bluntness is demonstrating your concern for someone's well being over their immediate emotions. As an American myself, I see more often than not that someone might be a bit blunt, but if you ask them to articulate, often they have good intentions and reasons. Not always the case, but I only really think negatively about those interactions if I deemed them to be of Ill intent or misguided. Tag questions just would leave me to wonder intent, or if it's sarcastic/condescending. The older I get, the more I associate it with regional differences, but as a kid I would probably be very rude and defensive if someone spoke in this manner.
As an American that has lived in the UK for 10 years this the best TH-cam channel about Americans.
I’m Gen X and never realized how often I use the word like, until I started using talk to text! And, like, oh my god it’s so embarrassing!
I'm early Gen X. I wraned myself of that after my teen years. Now it grates on my ears! 😄
Tbh, I think Millenials are 5 times worse
I recently went to England to visit my family that lives there, and drunk English people were some of the loudest people I had ever experienced.