I once loved, cherished and cared for a DA. The pain he inflicted upon me time and time again forced me to confront the issue that he cannot love the way any normal person can. I had to walk away for my own sanity. Walking away was excruciatingly painful. It was as if he had reached deep down and ripped my heart out of my chest. Days of pain turned into weeks which turned into months. I am so tired of people making excuses for them. The bottom line is that they are cruel, vindictive, weak and horrible people. They can be charming but that's a cover-up to lure you into their world and then to control you. My pain is manageable and I am pleased to say, that you do finally get over them but it's a long hard road to travel. Good luck to you all as you are going to need it.
Once I understood that their reaction to me wasn’t my fault I was pretty much free. They are the problem. I used to take things personal until I found out the psychology of how Avoidants and narcs think. Once I understood the games they play of pulling back etc I just walked away and stopped playing. I used the hurt I experienced to drain the emotion I felt for them out. Now it’s like nothing for me. I learned the lesson: I loved myself enough to talk away.
@ The thing is nobody does anything to deserve that treatment from a narc or avoidant. I never did anything to deserve it. I stayed longer because I didn’t understand that I was being manipulated or lied to. You don’t expect someone to have ill intentions. There are too many people with ill intentions. Too many opportunists who prey on empathic people who just want to be in a normal loving relationship. I hope every single last one of them reap all they have sown.
@Alixir1228 I learned not to take any blame because even if we did some wrong it's more of a reaction but they depend on you believing it was you so they can justify the cruel behavior
@Alixir1228 if we're all one person then why do u entertaining all of us? 😂 U out here acting like Scooby Doo and the gang solving youtube mysteries pulling masks off people. I do have another account, it aint a woman tho, but u go on w that.
Thank you so much Ryan, you have described exactly my relationship with the avoidant ex, and you have helped me understand why she was the way she was. My heart breaks for her but i cant go back because she is not ready to face reality. I'm praying for her and moving on, but i wish that God would do a miracle in her and she could finally allow me to love her, because i truly loved her with all my heart.
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
My Avoidant wanted to be friends. We had a couple of video calls and he tells me he loves me and then ghosted. He lives in TX. Why would he go all this trouble to contact me, months after we broke up to tell me to keep reaching out and an I love you, just to ghost me. Rough. This is why we need to heal.
Thanks Ryan. The one thing Ive found different or not talked about much in videos explaining DA behavior is what is going on with my Ex. She did have some difficulties with her childhood, but the main problem she is dealing with is the effects of serious mental and emotional abuse from a 12 year relationship/ living situation with an abusive a-hole that ened a few years ago. I think most of her unresolved issues are from being abused by him, not so much from her childhood. I've known her since she was very young and we made a decision to get married last year, only to have her abruptly discard me in May this year. She says she still needs time as of the end of October. This hurts. It was sooo amazing while we were together. Now she won't even talk or say I love you.
Most of these issues still stem from childhood. The childhood attachment wounds are likely why she committed and stayed with an abusive guy. I’ve made some content about this recently.
Great video @CoachRyanH , as always. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼. There is one thing though that puzzles me: you say quite regularly that the behavior of an avoidant is a choice they made/make. But at the same time, a lot of times it is subconscious behavior. So that’s making me wonder whether their behavior really is a choice when they’re not aware of this same behavior themselves. To what extent can someone be accountable for behavior that they are not aware of ? Everyone has their personal blind spots (not only DA/FA’s) and the way I see it one can only work on them when they are made consciously aware of it (and subsequently recognizing it within themselves). Only from there the healing can start. I would love to hear your vision about that.
What they feel is a strong sense of discomfort and fear, maybe even anxiety or panic, when things start to get closer past their individual threshold. Yet they're totally unaware of the underlying mechanics feeding these emotions, due to a lack of self reflection. _(Why is the feeling of fear ramping up? I'm safe here, he just asked me to spend a week of holiday season together in a cottage at the beach.)_ Adults will reflect, avoidants don't. >> Never having learned to name, experience and thereby distinguish their feelings, they might even confuse excitement with fear at this stage! Wich in return triggers a cycle of "something's up, i don't know what"-fear (a.k.a. anxiety) on top of their already existing confusion. They then tend to get overwhelmed with a hot boiling mess of different unsettling emotions, so all they detect is THREAT! Here is where they *choose* to run/avoid over looking into it, pause and assess. Break ups, stonewalling, party sprees, alc/drugs/cheating, etc is what follows ... just to distract themselves and _feel_ better - zero F's given how that affects the other person emotions. It's them vs their feelings, all the time, and they have repearedly favoured (=trained!) opting for quick-fixes in the sole realm of providing relief in _their_ *immediate* emotional space, no regards for other people here. And that's why they're perceived as egoistic and heartless at this point - their "gotta go"-mentality doesn't display any empathy.
This is a great question I would love to hear the answer to. Reason being that when we learn the behavior is more subconscious, there can be a tendency to then gloss over the bad behavior because “it’s not their fault.” This is the theme that I’ve seen other coaches espouse - which I don’t agree with. Coach Ryan and Ken Reid really speak the truth, but other coaches advise others to be understanding that this is all happening in the subconscious and thus we must cater and walk on egg shells and engage with avoidant partners and exes on THEIR terms - which is a recipe for greater codependency. The excuse is it’s happening in the subconscious and so their intent isn’t bad and so it’s not their fault. I think there is truth to that - a lot of the time, they may be acting out from the subconscious patterns and habits and don’t have bad intentions - but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves. The behavior is very dysfunctional and it comes from unresolved childhood neglect - so we will end up being the recipients of their unresolved stuff. Whether it’s intentional or not, we have a right to protect ourselves and must do so. I’m glad coach Ryan mentions that when they deactivate, they show a lack of empathy - which is accurate and then gives us the info we need to put boundaries up. The other coaches who encourage us to reach out or do things on their terms because they don’t like vulnerability or have communication issues - and then ask us to do more and try more when this person is in a state of no-empathy towards us is actually dangerous to our mental and emotional health when we need to heal. It’s not that aboidants are bad people, but some of the behavior is dysfunctional and has the capacity to inflict pain, and then you’re asked to be understanding of that at that moment? We can be compassionate and understand but whether it’s subconscious or conscious, their behavior towards others is harmful - no way around that
@@geemail369 Just to repeat what you wrote "Here is where they 'choose' to run/avoid over looking into it, pause and assess. Break ups, stonewalling, party sprees, alc/drugs/cheating, etc is what follows ... just to distract themselves and feel better - zero F's given how that affects the other person emotions" I found this a very interesting analysis. Thanks for posting this.The part that gets me about avoidants is what you said - zero F's on how it affects the other person. So you think that they actually 'choose' to react in this way? Is it fight or flight, or do they know their actions will hurt someone and just don't care? I find it interesting because the anxiety and panic is not their fault, but this fork in the road of how they deal with it - as you said, the choosing to indulge in the unhealthy distractions and not caring how their actions affects others - that is precisely what they're accountable for. Do they know they're hurting the person and just don't care because it's all about them feeling better, or are they suppressing so badly that they literally can't see it?
@@GesuHeche-fv4hx I'd say aware ones do know the harm they're causing by behaving like this. The unawares ones, probably don't. And even some aware ones will still choose to behave like this, those are cowards and selfish people. They then try to blame you and picture themselves as the victim in what transpired, to justify their discards and the harm inflicted. But at the core, if they're not capable of self-reflection (massive issue with DA) they'll *always* take the easy way out. It takes someone who wants to heal and take actions towards it to face their triggers and fears. Not the case for most of them though.
@@GesuHeche-fv4hx Avoidants are used to be fending for themselves - that's their baseline level of awareness from where all their judgement arises. In the heat of the "moment" (i'm using the term very broadly here - remember they're overwhelmed) they just don't have the bandwidth to take their partner's feelings into account. Their awareness is compromised and reduced to their own emotional mess that consumes ALL their focal energy managing. Mine told me later she only became aware of how this break up would affect me _after_ the fact ... when the dust had settled and the smoke had cleared - AFTER she had made the decision *and* executed on it + a few weeks of time that is. Up until then she couldn't even read my old messages or look at pictures without ramping up, immediately _feeling_ pressured! She knew it would hurt me, but that's what break ups do, right?! For her breaking up was a *necessity* in that situation - communication _(a tool _*_proven_*_ to be without effect in her past)_ as an option not even on her radar! What i've learned from this is that avoidants cannot sit with these intense emotions in order to look for a way to calm down and re-assess how it went down - they really _FEEL_ the pressure and have the URGE to *make a decision!* Inaction is not an option for them. So they retreat to proven means of survival, not growth! What avoidants need most imo is to establish a pause-button and cultivate the will, grace and curiosity to examine any given chain of events. 🌱 But they usually do neither look back nor self-reflect.
Honestly I relate to this SO MUCH, right up to the part about "specifically triggered by healthy relationship behaviors." For me, no. I acknowledge I'm over-sensitive to criticism and cannot handle much conflict - but criticism and conflict are not "healthy" relationship behaviors. It is normal to experience some, but these are not the good parts of a relationship - they are the parts we all want to avoid. I just have a more sensitive set point. My relationship happiness and duration has always been based on how much criticism and conflict the other person chooses to bring. And before anyone writes "but we feel like we're walking on eggshells" - ok then that's not a good match. No harm, no foul. But my boundaries are *my* sword and shield too, and I'm not going to stay in a relationship where I feel beaten up all the time. I can't be with someone who lacks emotional self-regulation and creates drama - that's just not right for me.
I understand this completely. I think many are under the impression that the way they communicate is healthy hence why they feel as if they need to walk on eggshells because their partner shut them out before because they weren't that nice or they're asking for something unrealistic. I agree. Most of the time people aren't a good match.
There’s nuance to eye though Constructive vs Unconstructive criticism (could add in necessary/unnecessary and solicited/unsolicited) Conflict is inevitable and can be handled healthily or unhealthily. Ratios play a part too. If the relationship is all or mostly critical and conflict, it’d be best to take space and reevaluate Edit: When healthy, feedback and conflict can be great catalysts for personal growth and better intimacy
Be aware what he defines as conflict and criticism in regards to how an _avoidant_ *perceives* someone speaking their mind or voicing an opinion and what the avoidant then attaches to it - _"... therefore i must be bad and unloveable."_ is a phrase to look out for in his other videos. Whilst mature and aware people are able to handle said exchanges insecure avoidants take offence and make it about them.
@@MinorKey135 good response! You pretty much nailed it with the comparisons. For me, I understand some type of conflict is inevitable. It's when there's a lot of it that I'm not really interested in participating in. Everyone's idea of what normal conflict differs. I'm a don't sweat the small stuff type of girl and when I date a guy who picks me apart about things regularly, I start losing attraction. My thoughts are why are you with me then?
@@geemail369 that can be true for either party. The person who initiates the discussion is making it about them and the way they feel so when we state how we feel about this in return, it's considered making it about us. Sometimes I'm under the impression that the person initiating only wants their man/woman to apologize and do better rather than have their own view. When I hear someone say avoidants are perceiving conflict only coming from a place of their core wounds, it comes across as gaslighty. As if someone with an avoidant attachment cannot distinguish conflict from reality when it's staring us right in the face. Who is being mature is in the eye of the beholder.
Cuestion: So what's the difference between an avoidant who deactivates his feelings and an no avoidant who just stops feeling? Because at the end of the day both just don't feel any more, the result is the same, that they don't want you any more. And maybe they will want you again in some future depending of the circumstances, but also an no avoidant could. I m just trying to understand, both avoidants and no avoidants are losing feelings, is there a difference at the final result or it's just the way of getting there?
Answer: The (dismissive) avoidant enjoys situationships and deactivates out of an irrational paranoia of vulnerability and can dump or ghost the other person out of the blue even when their partner has done absolutely nothing wrong and even worked extremely hard on the relationship. The non-avoidant can just simply fall out of love due to a genuine loss of attraction, which can slowly fade over time or drop off quickly due to an event like being cheated on or finding a better option, but can still come back around and re-establish a good relationship depending on the situation. A huge difference is how the avoidant is extremely predictable in how the one-sided relationship will always be in a state of disaster, and the partner will be in a constant state of emotional abuse and negelct no matter how much work they put into the relationship.
At the end of the day, it's really just someone leaving. Attachment theory came along and everyone is trying to decipher every little detail but I've dated all 4 attachments styles at one point or another and what I found is that anxious attachers latch on and have a hard time letting you go, even if there are arguments and the relationship is deteriorating they always want it to work, in my experience at least. A fearful avoidant will do a push and pull thing when they are triggered causing a lot of deactivation, but once they fall out of love with you, they are 100% done. A dismissive avoidant rarely falls in love, but when they do, feelings can get so strong that they deactivate, but they won't ever let you go in their heart if it doesn't work. A secure person tends to find safer relationships with shared goals. They love but don't get into that obsessive kind of love that unhealed attachments have. They will think more logically about the break up and make the healthy choice for themselves to find a better match. I understand why it gets confusing. Since I was a teenager, I saw people break up, ghost, cheat and we didn't label everyone aside from them just being shit humans. Every attachment loves and every attachment can fall out of love.
![SAFEPLANET - ดาวเคราะห์ [ THE PLANET ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/4X1XL3I_k3c/mqdefault.jpg)
I once loved, cherished and cared for a DA. The pain he inflicted upon me time and time again forced me to confront the issue that he cannot love the way any normal person can. I had to walk away for my own sanity. Walking away was excruciatingly painful. It was as if he had reached deep down and ripped my heart out of my chest. Days of pain turned into weeks which turned into months. I am so tired of people making excuses for them. The bottom line is that they are cruel, vindictive, weak and horrible people. They can be charming but that's a cover-up to lure you into their world and then to control you. My pain is manageable and I am pleased to say, that you do finally get over them but it's a long hard road to travel. Good luck to you all as you are going to need it.
Once I understood that their reaction to me wasn’t my fault I was pretty much free. They are the problem. I used to take things personal until I found out the psychology of how Avoidants and narcs think. Once I understood the games they play of pulling back etc I just walked away and stopped playing. I used the hurt I experienced to drain the emotion I felt for them out. Now it’s like nothing for me. I learned the lesson: I loved myself enough to talk away.
@ The thing is nobody does anything to deserve that treatment from a narc or avoidant. I never did anything to deserve it. I stayed longer because I didn’t understand that I was being manipulated or lied to. You don’t expect someone to have ill intentions. There are too many people with ill intentions. Too many opportunists who prey on empathic people who just want to be in a normal loving relationship. I hope every single last one of them reap all they have sown.
@Alixir1228 I learned not to take any blame because even if we did some wrong it's more of a reaction but they depend on you believing it was you so they can justify the cruel behavior
@ rights Avoidants and narcs I feel are very similar but not the same.
@Alixir1228 if we're all one person then why do u entertaining all of us? 😂 U out here acting like Scooby Doo and the gang solving youtube mysteries pulling masks off people. I do have another account, it aint a woman tho, but u go on w that.
They fear vulnerability and make their partners feel lonely.
Thank you so much Ryan, you have described exactly my relationship with the avoidant ex, and you have helped me understand why she was the way she was. My heart breaks for her but i cant go back because she is not ready to face reality. I'm praying for her and moving on, but i wish that God would do a miracle in her and she could finally allow me to love her, because i truly loved her with all my heart.
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
My Avoidant wanted to be friends. We had a couple of video calls and he tells me he loves me and then ghosted. He lives in TX. Why would he go all this trouble to contact me, months after we broke up to tell me to keep reaching out and an I love you, just to ghost me. Rough. This is why we need to heal.
Thanks Ryan. The one thing Ive found different or not talked about much in videos explaining DA behavior is what is going on with my Ex. She did have some difficulties with her childhood, but the main problem she is dealing with is the effects of serious mental and emotional abuse from a 12 year relationship/ living situation with an abusive a-hole that ened a few years ago. I think most of her unresolved issues are from being abused by him, not so much from her childhood. I've known her since she was very young and we made a decision to get married last year, only to have her abruptly discard me in May this year. She says she still needs time as of the end of October. This hurts. It was sooo amazing while we were together. Now she won't even talk or say I love you.
Most of these issues still stem from childhood. The childhood attachment wounds are likely why she committed and stayed with an abusive guy. I’ve made some content about this recently.
They only commit to toxic people.
Her childhood provided *_golden_* points of leverage to be exploited by her abusive partner!
Hi coach Ryan, wanted to ask you if you could make a video about the differences of a female avoidant to a male aovidant, if there are any? Thanks
I second this!
Great video @CoachRyanH , as always. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼.
There is one thing though that puzzles me: you say quite regularly that the behavior of an avoidant is a choice they made/make. But at the same time, a lot of times it is subconscious behavior. So that’s making me wonder whether their behavior really is a choice when they’re not aware of this same behavior themselves.
To what extent can someone be accountable for behavior that they are not aware of ?
Everyone has their personal blind spots (not only DA/FA’s) and the way I see it one can only work on them when they are made consciously aware of it (and subsequently recognizing it within themselves). Only from there the healing can start.
I would love to hear your vision about that.
What they feel is a strong sense of discomfort and fear, maybe even anxiety or panic, when things start to get closer past their individual threshold.
Yet they're totally unaware of the underlying mechanics feeding these emotions, due to a lack of self reflection. _(Why is the feeling of fear ramping up? I'm safe here, he just asked me to spend a week of holiday season together in a cottage at the beach.)_
Adults will reflect, avoidants don't.
>> Never having learned to name, experience and thereby distinguish their feelings, they might even confuse excitement with fear at this stage!
Wich in return triggers a cycle of "something's up, i don't know what"-fear (a.k.a. anxiety) on top of their already existing confusion.
They then tend to get overwhelmed with a hot boiling mess of different unsettling emotions, so all they detect is THREAT!
Here is where they *choose* to run/avoid over looking into it, pause and assess.
Break ups, stonewalling, party sprees, alc/drugs/cheating, etc is what follows ... just to distract themselves and _feel_ better - zero F's given how that affects the other person emotions.
It's them vs their feelings, all the time, and they have repearedly favoured (=trained!) opting for quick-fixes in the sole realm of providing relief in _their_ *immediate* emotional space, no regards for other people here.
And that's why they're perceived as egoistic and heartless at this point - their "gotta go"-mentality doesn't display any empathy.
This is a great question I would love to hear the answer to. Reason being that when we learn the behavior is more subconscious, there can be a tendency to then gloss over the bad behavior because “it’s not their fault.” This is the theme that I’ve seen other coaches espouse - which I don’t agree with. Coach Ryan and Ken Reid really speak the truth, but other coaches advise others to be understanding that this is all happening in the subconscious and thus we must cater and walk on egg shells and engage with avoidant partners and exes on THEIR terms - which is a recipe for greater codependency. The excuse is it’s happening in the subconscious and so their intent isn’t bad and so it’s not their fault. I think there is truth to that - a lot of the time, they may be acting out from the subconscious patterns and habits and don’t have bad intentions - but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves. The behavior is very dysfunctional and it comes from unresolved childhood neglect - so we will end up being the recipients of their unresolved stuff. Whether it’s intentional or not, we have a right to protect ourselves and must do so. I’m glad coach Ryan mentions that when they deactivate, they show a lack of empathy - which is accurate and then gives us the info we need to put boundaries up. The other coaches who encourage us to reach out or do things on their terms because they don’t like vulnerability or have communication issues - and then ask us to do more and try more when this person is in a state of no-empathy towards us is actually dangerous to our mental and emotional health when we need to heal. It’s not that aboidants are bad people, but some of the behavior is dysfunctional and has the capacity to inflict pain, and then you’re asked to be understanding of that at that moment? We can be compassionate and understand but whether it’s subconscious or conscious, their behavior towards others is harmful - no way around that
@@geemail369 Just to repeat what you wrote "Here is where they 'choose' to run/avoid over looking into it, pause and assess.
Break ups, stonewalling, party sprees, alc/drugs/cheating, etc is what follows ... just to distract themselves and feel better - zero F's given how that affects the other person emotions"
I found this a very interesting analysis. Thanks for posting this.The part that gets me about avoidants is what you said - zero F's on how it affects the other person. So you think that they actually 'choose' to react in this way? Is it fight or flight, or do they know their actions will hurt someone and just don't care?
I find it interesting because the anxiety and panic is not their fault, but this fork in the road of how they deal with it - as you said, the choosing to indulge in the unhealthy distractions and not caring how their actions affects others - that is precisely what they're accountable for. Do they know they're hurting the person and just don't care because it's all about them feeling better, or are they suppressing so badly that they literally can't see it?
@@GesuHeche-fv4hx I'd say aware ones do know the harm they're causing by behaving like this. The unawares ones, probably don't. And even some aware ones will still choose to behave like this, those are cowards and selfish people. They then try to blame you and picture themselves as the victim in what transpired, to justify their discards and the harm inflicted.
But at the core, if they're not capable of self-reflection (massive issue with DA) they'll *always* take the easy way out. It takes someone who wants to heal and take actions towards it to face their triggers and fears. Not the case for most of them though.
@@GesuHeche-fv4hx
Avoidants are used to be fending for themselves - that's their baseline level of awareness from where all their judgement arises.
In the heat of the "moment" (i'm using the term very broadly here - remember they're overwhelmed) they just don't have the bandwidth to take their partner's feelings into account. Their awareness is compromised and reduced to their own emotional mess that consumes ALL their focal energy managing.
Mine told me later she only became aware of how this break up would affect me _after_ the fact ... when the dust had settled and the smoke had cleared - AFTER she had made the decision *and* executed on it + a few weeks of time that is.
Up until then she couldn't even read my old messages or look at pictures without ramping up, immediately _feeling_ pressured! She knew it would hurt me, but that's what break ups do, right?!
For her breaking up was a *necessity* in that situation - communication _(a tool _*_proven_*_ to be without effect in her past)_ as an option not even on her radar!
What i've learned from this is that avoidants cannot sit with these intense emotions in order to look for a way to calm down and re-assess how it went down - they really _FEEL_ the pressure and have the URGE to *make a decision!* Inaction is not an option for them. So they retreat to proven means of survival, not growth!
What avoidants need most imo is to establish a pause-button and cultivate the will, grace and curiosity to examine any given chain of events. 🌱
But they usually do neither look back nor self-reflect.
Honestly I relate to this SO MUCH, right up to the part about "specifically triggered by healthy relationship behaviors." For me, no. I acknowledge I'm over-sensitive to criticism and cannot handle much conflict - but criticism and conflict are not "healthy" relationship behaviors. It is normal to experience some, but these are not the good parts of a relationship - they are the parts we all want to avoid. I just have a more sensitive set point. My relationship happiness and duration has always been based on how much criticism and conflict the other person chooses to bring.
And before anyone writes "but we feel like we're walking on eggshells" - ok then that's not a good match. No harm, no foul. But my boundaries are *my* sword and shield too, and I'm not going to stay in a relationship where I feel beaten up all the time. I can't be with someone who lacks emotional self-regulation and creates drama - that's just not right for me.
I understand this completely. I think many are under the impression that the way they communicate is healthy hence why they feel as if they need to walk on eggshells because their partner shut them out before because they weren't that nice or they're asking for something unrealistic. I agree. Most of the time people aren't a good match.
There’s nuance to eye though
Constructive vs Unconstructive criticism (could add in necessary/unnecessary and solicited/unsolicited)
Conflict is inevitable and can be handled healthily or unhealthily.
Ratios play a part too. If the relationship is all or mostly critical and conflict, it’d be best to take space and reevaluate
Edit: When healthy, feedback and conflict can be great catalysts for personal growth and better intimacy
Be aware what he defines as conflict and criticism in regards to how an _avoidant_ *perceives* someone speaking their mind or voicing an opinion and what the avoidant then attaches to it - _"... therefore i must be bad and unloveable."_ is a phrase to look out for in his other videos.
Whilst mature and aware people are able to handle said exchanges insecure avoidants take offence and make it about them.
@@MinorKey135 good response! You pretty much nailed it with the comparisons. For me, I understand some type of conflict is inevitable. It's when there's a lot of it that I'm not really interested in participating in. Everyone's idea of what normal conflict differs. I'm a don't sweat the small stuff type of girl and when I date a guy who picks me apart about things regularly, I start losing attraction. My thoughts are why are you with me then?
@@geemail369 that can be true for either party. The person who initiates the discussion is making it about them and the way they feel so when we state how we feel about this in return, it's considered making it about us. Sometimes I'm under the impression that the person initiating only wants their man/woman to apologize and do better rather than have their own view. When I hear someone say avoidants are perceiving conflict only coming from a place of their core wounds, it comes across as gaslighty. As if someone with an avoidant attachment cannot distinguish conflict from reality when it's staring us right in the face.
Who is being mature is in the eye of the beholder.
Cuestion: So what's the difference between an avoidant who deactivates his feelings and an no avoidant who just stops feeling? Because at the end of the day both just don't feel any more, the result is the same, that they don't want you any more. And maybe they will want you again in some future depending of the circumstances, but also an no avoidant could. I m just trying to understand, both avoidants and no avoidants are losing feelings, is there a difference at the final result or it's just the way of getting there?
Answer: The (dismissive) avoidant enjoys situationships and deactivates out of an irrational paranoia of vulnerability and can dump or ghost the other person out of the blue even when their partner has done absolutely nothing wrong and even worked extremely hard on the relationship. The non-avoidant can just simply fall out of love due to a genuine loss of attraction, which can slowly fade over time or drop off quickly due to an event like being cheated on or finding a better option, but can still come back around and re-establish a good relationship depending on the situation. A huge difference is how the avoidant is extremely predictable in how the one-sided relationship will always be in a state of disaster, and the partner will be in a constant state of emotional abuse and negelct no matter how much work they put into the relationship.
@TheHighwinder thank you🙂
At the end of the day, it's really just someone leaving. Attachment theory came along and everyone is trying to decipher every little detail but I've dated all 4 attachments styles at one point or another and what I found is that anxious attachers latch on and have a hard time letting you go, even if there are arguments and the relationship is deteriorating they always want it to work, in my experience at least. A fearful avoidant will do a push and pull thing when they are triggered causing a lot of deactivation, but once they fall out of love with you, they are 100% done. A dismissive avoidant rarely falls in love, but when they do, feelings can get so strong that they deactivate, but they won't ever let you go in their heart if it doesn't work. A secure person tends to find safer relationships with shared goals. They love but don't get into that obsessive kind of love that unhealed attachments have. They will think more logically about the break up and make the healthy choice for themselves to find a better match.
I understand why it gets confusing. Since I was a teenager, I saw people break up, ghost, cheat and we didn't label everyone aside from them just being shit humans. Every attachment loves and every attachment can fall out of love.