Loneliness, in the Gay Community | Gay Advice
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ม.ค. 2021
- loneliness.
do we ever really talk about it. as you all are very aware of by now, I like to talk about the different / hard topics. this topic is near and dear to my heart as I too am still navigating the difficulties that come with my loneliness and moments of solitude.
do you experience this?
if so, what are your coping mechanisms?
what helps you feel better?
and are those coping mechanisms healthy? , and be honest with yourself.
my radical truth sets me free and liberates me to higher levels of freedom, enjoyment, and authenticity.
answer some of these questions or leave a comment below!
don't under estimate the power of your vulnerability and sharing your life experiences. you just might help someone!
as always,
be the change you wish to see.
A great topic. All of us feel lonely from time to time. It’s better than being stuck with someone you don’t like and who doesn’t like you.
Facts! I always say this! I rather enjoy my own company than surrounded by folks that dont love or appreciate my presence.
Coming from another young gay black man who lives in the Midwest (Michigan), I completely understand and relate to your perspective on loneliness. And while I do agree that we must love ourselves, sometimes I think that we tell ourselves that to feel better about the fact that in this world, we kind of are alone. I think the combination of trauma from homophobia and racism has left us in a space where only feel comfortable expressing ourselves in temporary ways such as sex and drugs. To form an authentic connection or admit that we are feeling lonely, that would require vulnerability which could lead to the rejection we often feel from the outside world. So, we cover it up.
Omg! 100% agree, trying to find a sense of "belonging" has been a constant struggle of mine, I feel as if there is this constant "I am alone" "I am different" "I am flawed" conversation going on inside. But one thing I will say is that the moment I decide to embrace all of that, and be ok with all of that, I no longer fear it. Its as if it can no longer scare me. And now that it no longer scares me, I am ok and open to being more vulnerable with other folks. And that helps to make them feel comfortable being vulnerable, and we both bond and get close by expressing who we truly are and what is going on.. Love your perspective, definitely opened me up to more insights! I also love that you said we "cover it up" because we do, constantly. But what happens when you can no longer cover it up?
As an older black gay man, I can understand that hesitancy of showing vulnerability, and it's exacerbated when we are in environments where being black can be an issue, let alone being Black and Gay. Not having people around that look like us or are close by makes that bubble feel even larger.
I wish there was a way to not have to anesthetize the pain with the sex and drugs because they only leave a bigger hole after than was there before. We need each other and a way to support each other that doesn't lead to more of what we don't want. Like to be able to be with each other that doesn't lead to sex or is not centered around drinking and "partying."
@George Shankar Love This! This is exactly what has been revealed to me recently.. Just recently i began reading Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and it talks about this! Thanks for the comment! And appreciate the insight! ❤️
You know I had to read this a couple of times before I felt comfortable responding to it. Awesome comment but I do want to say never be afraid to be vulnerable out of fear of rejection. People who reject us are the ones with the problems not us. If we are honestly good people who try every day to do the right thing and not be shady, I would say the people who rejected us are really the ones who are not good people and we don’t need them around anyway.
Bruh whats with the MidWest and gay men? I was raised in Eastern Europe. I know gays in Bible belt states. And all seem happier even tho the MidWest is way better than those places.
It’s funny that I find this video during a time when I am striving to transition out of loneliness. I really resonated with the point of embracing your solitude. It’s important to know oneself, to know one’s boundaries, to truly experience the true love that grounds community. I spent this year with myself in transformative ways. I pray it results in good soil for connection.
Yes! Speak it into existence. I feel that embracing solitude is still a bit taboo but it is honestly very powerful when you are able to do so! And, like you said I think it truly results in good soil that is needed to produce authentic, healthy connection! 🌻
We have to begin separating concepts. There is loneliness and there is boredom. Loneliness deals with the world around us. And boredom deals with the world within us. And in this lifestyle loneliness is going to be an issue. The loneliness comes when your cousin and his family arrives for Thanksgiving dinner with his wife and children. And you are alone. The loneliness comes when you are about the leave the job and begin to feel depressed because you go home to a cold bed. And you are alone. The loneliness comes when you wonder why you pay all that money for a mobile phone and nobody calls from one end of the day to the other. Then a brother becomes depressed. But that is the world around us. How can you mitigate that feeling? You must use your mind. Because the mind expresses activities within us. Learn something new. Write. Sing. Create. Sex is a poor elixir for loneliness, because when one finishes with that activity they might feel used or even cheap. I've subscribed to your channel and comment every time I see a video. Because you have so much to say.
Life Lessons!
"Sex is a poor elixir for loneliness, because when one finishes with that activity they might feel used or even cheap."
It took me quite a while to get this concept, but once I did, boy did the awareness rush into my life! I could not have put it better. Unfortunately, it seems that sex is such a "foundation" in our community that this issue is inevitable until one does some deep diving!
Folks reading this, I highly advice re-reading this several times and really thinking about it! The amount of sex we (I say we because I include myself) casually engage in might be saying something more! This is another topic I want to dive into.. Again , thanks for you perspective Edward! Always a pleasure!
@@realgaylife I learned long ago I can't do casual sex. I'm not wired for it. I tried it a couple times and, while I didn't feel "used," I did feel empty and unfulfilled. Until I come across that one special guy, I'll be more than happy to entertain myself 😉
Love this! The discussions we should be having in the community ❤️
Seeing a period of loneliness as a time on reflect on yourself just absolutely hit the right spot for me.
I am struggling a lot with self perception and the way I see reality. Add in the tremendously amount of body shaming and stereotyping in the gay community and voila you have the body dysmorphia.
So how does what you said in your video apply? I kicked myself in the butt and gave a fitness and food programm a try. Many people would have said that I don't need that... But this sense of doing something for myself and deliberately taking myself out a bit of social influences really helped me to overall be a bit better with dealing with myself.
Like I always thought that tracking your exercise and nutrition is BS... And now it gives me such a great feeling like.. Control over my body and the sense I am doing something for myself.
So happy for you friend! And thanks for adding to the conversation.. I am 100% sure others have seen them and became inspired! Funny you should mention reality.. I just recorded a video that will be uploaded soon about accepting reality and what i was resisting.. Any thoughts on your experience directly with accepting your reality?
A wonderful presentation. I chose, growing up, to extend myself to older folks and those “ across the aisle” to make friends with. I never regretted it. Lots of fun and great lessons. Wonderful fulfilling relationships.
Love that! I need to push myself more to do so, I talk about it alot but neglect to put forth the required action!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart cause I'm going through shifty times. I needed to hear this.
So glad my perspective was able to support you on your journey.. 💖
@@realgaylife I'm fighting through a battle watching my grandma who has open her home up to me in the past. She's slowly passing away of stage 4 lung cancer, so me and my mom are taking care of her 24/7 and I've had this guy who was interested in me, but felt like it was the wrong time. I had to turn it off. Blood is thicker than water and I'm only 25, but I felt bad. Felt like in my situation I couldn't offer anything. Thank you for responding and sorry I've taken so long to get back to you. Hi from Canada.
Thank you for going into the depths of your experience and presenting reasons for self care, and beneficial advice for those who are struggling with loneliness.
From my experience, finding deep conversations/connections more difficult. I'm often rejected, blocked, or ignored. In college, people I thought could be trusted couldnt be trust which leads to arguments/fights. Gay men talk about other gay men bc they have issues with them. At this point, I just accepted loneliness bc people in general have negative intentions. I would rather not be friends with ppl who don't appreciate your company.
Thank You for the video, I try to stay busy to cure loneliness but sometimes I get into a slump like today. Your video was very encouraging and inspiring thank you again.
Thanks, I am happy my perspective and experience were able to do this for you! 💖
Seems like being in a relationship and *having* a partner/boyfriend/husband would help alleviate most of that since you've got someone to talk to right there in the room with you... unless it's a "long-distance" one, which by the way, NEVER work.
Insecurity about having a partner to begin with is probably not a good starting place for that relationship. Gotta fix yourself first and become more whole.
I'm glad and happy for you that you've met someone. Hopefully you two will be happy husbands very soon.
This was a really good video. I know there’s a lot of people that needs to here this. Good job 👍🏾
Thanks friend! Always need and appreciate any feedback! Hope your new year is kicking off to a good start!
Love your channel!
Thanks friend! Recognize you face from IG .. always a pleasure! ❤
I have never understood the need to constantly intoxicate your brain whether it's on alcohol or other drugs.
How can you get to know someone if they (or you) are always drunk/high.
I value my brain. I don't want to mess with it. After all it contains "me". :O)
I'm 58 and I have never been drunk. I can take a glass of wine or two with a good meal, but that's it.
YES! "it contains me" as soon as I read that i had to stop and start snapping. I love that friend! That is literally like gold right there! I have come to a place that I only allow myself two nights out of the week to "let loose" (so to speak 😅) and doing that has pushed me back into being more self disciplined! I feel more driven, focused, and encouraged. And it all is naturally coming from me and none else..
Hey, we're close to the same age!😁 To your comment, I've only been drunk and high ONCE in my life (not at the same time) and hated it so much I've never been either since. Once was one time too many for me. How can people "enjoy" being out of control like that? I don't get it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm not against drinking but one glass of "hard" alcohol and I'm good, thanks. Or, like you, I do enjoy a nice glass or two of wine. But none of it is to excess.
Thanks for this. I'm okay. :)
Thank you for this video. Interesting ❤❤❤
I agree hun I felt the same way when I first came out and now I’ve discovered a love of drag and just doing fem things which I enjoy it’s good to know your not alone in feelings like this ❤
Wow, man. You're so gorgeous! (emphasis on the looks because they seem to be valued in the community; not that I agree with this). Hope you're not lonely for long. 🤗
Thanks for video. Feeling lonely after graduation. Have been in a great relationship with nonbinary person for 3 years.
But we have a little crisis: barely having sex, stay silent during phone calls and so on.
Trying to processing loneliness with gym and cold showers running from all of this
Hi handsome I totally agree with everything you said 👍 so true. You deserve more views. Your very knowledge make more videos 😊
Awe! Thank you friend! I appreciate you!
Love myself....HOW? I came out in 1999 and no one helped me. It is hell but I am independent.
Nice speech... And beautiful smiles 😊
thanks friend 😁
I’m an engaged and happy gay man at work with my fellow coworkers but none of them are part of the lgbtq community. I feel loneliness on my weekends and when getting ignored by so many people I say hello to on the apps. I just want to find a kinder more inclusive community setting where I feel accepted and belong within my dating pool
If you’re engaged why are you even on the apps being bothered by a bunch of lames with fake pictures or no pictures? That stuff is for a single people, go and enjoy your man.
Ugh! That is tough, I experience this often as well and am definitely looking to find the same thing. Have you been able to cultivate any habits or tips that have led you closer to a more inclusive community setting where you feel acceptance and belonging?
In my experience, that is sometimes the only place where folks can meet others within the community.. and | or it is the most convenient. I have met a couple folks off the apps that I did led with wanting to just be friends or looking for friends… another good example and resource is Hinge.. they have a section dedicated to finding like minded friends..
I'm 54yrs old, gay, single and very much alone and with no friends
Just wanted to say Hello from Milwaukee 😊 💚🏳️🌈
Howdy!
Sending positive energy and warm vibes your way friend! 💓
Hello
@@cowboykent9091 Hi Kent hope you are well. I just got back from a six mile walk 🚶
Thank you.
Absolutely!
I can understand some of the experiences with talking to folks over social media apps and how that would differ from hook-up apps but I don't see that as a waste of time. Yes, people have tried to spark random conversation on social media apps ( I don't do the hook-up apps so that's not an issue) and I can tell it's because they're bored but I'm rarely if ever bored.
I have a plethora of things I can do that are my hobbies, interest, and things I enjoy doing alone. I find people who are on social media trying to start conversations because they are bored tend to have pretty boring conversations.
But with that said, I have met a few (both gay and straight) people via social media apps that are generally fun to talk to about a variety of things and we continue to have asynchronous conversations via chat. I don't' want to misrepresent, it's not a ton of folks but in only takes a few to a handful of people to have fun and even meaningful conversations even though we haven't met in real life.
That's not to say there isn't loneliness, but it's mitigated by my personal interest, family, and people I've met along the way even if the right guy hasn't come along yet. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Love that! That encourages me to keep up with folks on social media apps! I guess im just such an "in person" type of person that it can be challenging for me to have/upkeep online relationships at times.
@@realgaylife Because they're asynchronous, I find it easier.
We'll be chatting "live" but because of different times zones, work schedules, etc, there's usually a "sign off" time with conversations being picked back up when either has time to respond. It keeps a nice flow going so it's not overwhelming and you can always use that method in between face to face meetings.
People are busy and this gives space for people to be busy yet still create and maintain friendships.
Omg! So true, I find myself in the busy rat race and always start to feel guilty when i have neglected my friendships. Definitely a tricky balance for me currently.. but i like your approach, will have to give it a try!
@@realgaylife I would highly recommend it. Chatting via text or WhatsApp (or whatever) keeps people connected across space and time. That's the whole point of all these apps anyway 🤷🏾♂️ (Besides harvesting our personal data to better sell us stuff 🤣) If a tool exists to help us create or maintain relationships when we can't be physically present, I don't see why we wouldn't use it 🤷🏾♂️
Awesome wprd
🙏☮️
Who does ur browsss 🙏😲
lol! I actually do them myself! 😇🙋🏾♂️
You're cute!
You still lonely bro? You too cute to be lonely! I want you! We can be lonely together bro!
😅 your so sweet. Love your energy per usual!
In life you need to have dreams. Then you ought to understand that they need to be adapted to reality. But not too much. For frustration lurks on both ends. Perfection is not possible nor desirable. In terms of numbers I suppose that between two men there has to be a compatibility of some 80% in order to have a healthy and fruitful basis. The other 20% are the challenge, to learn from each other 's differences and grow. I don't know if it has always been difficult or it's these days especially, but it seems that even those 80% are a high aim. Time passes, lonelyness grows ever more unbearable, one cracks under that pressure and restarts connecting with someone who is okay but in the end not the right person to share your resources with. Arguments and breaking up inevitably follow after a a time and then you are back on square one. ---- So lonelyness is apparently the price to pay for not being wrapped in toxic and grotesque situations. A large part of that time with yourself can be used for things that make you grow and evolve. In my case that's doing gym and a healthy diet and intellectual stimulae like reading. Plus I ordered a penis pump. Being in company of my penispumped manhood is very rewarding. These things mitigate my lonelyness, until I hopefully meet the right and good people. --- Greetings from Switzerland to Ohio, USA and everywhere.
Hello from Switzerland! "lonelyness is apparently the price to pay for not being wrapped in toxic and grotesque situations. " ... I couldnt agree more! Thank you for adding this.. and I think it is interesting to see how folks would rather remain in something toxic than be alone.. I always ask myself, if i wouldn't want to be alone with me ... why would someone else.. and from their i started learning how can i enjoy my own company.. apart of me believes that even that mindset shift attracts folks that are in "better" alignment ...