There is a really good book called "The Right to Speak" by Patsy Rodenburg and it's for everyone! This book will go into the psychology of speech, the trauma people with certain kinds of speech will experience and how to heal. I too have felt a weird dissociation with my voice at time and being gay and black it's a constant tug or war between sounding "proper", but retaining my "blackness" or trying not to talk "too gay" or be too much of a masculine caricature. it's crazy.
Your journey with your voice has such layers of complexity to it! Do you think it will be a lifelong path? Or have you made your peace with your voice now? 🤔
When you were talking about accents my first thought was that Yungblud interview. As an American who doesn’t know the intricacies of accents and a HUGE Yungblud fan I loved this!
Wow. As a secular, agnostic atheist who is also a long time viewer, im so sorry some people who share my beliefs, and level of interest in science and scientific literacy would treat you with disrespect. I know as an American agnostic atheist, it can be so scary to see hugely powerful people, and branches of government rely on faith and mythology to justify laws, and policy, and what your comment made me think of is that maybe some people unknowingly unleash their frustrations about the misuse of faith, and spirituality on you, even though you always are clear and concise that you do not wish or intend your experience to be proof someone else should be okay with some kind of dogma, like what happens sadly with the Abrahamic religions in some places, especially over here in the states. Uh, it just hurt me to think people have treated you that way. That really is unfair, and as an aside I find you very intelligent, and compelling! And I have seen you as those things since I found you years ago. I really hate that people would try and make you feel less than or unintelligent because they clearly have lots of shit to unpack.
As a Londoner from a working class family with a thick cockney accent (& a single mum of young children on benefits when I started my degree as a full time mature student) the weight of imposter syndrome I felt while going to University in Canterbury, Kent was insane! It took almost a year for me to get off the bus on campus not thinking “today is the day someone will tell me there has been a mistake & I shouldn’t have been given a place here”. I felt so weird there it’s hard to put into words
This is such a potent video, Kelly-Ann. So many things to say that I’m thinking I’ll put them in separate comments. Being judged and being misunderstood are major issues for me. Through shadow work I created this mantra for myself decades ago that has helped me incredibly: Just assume they’re going to talk about you when you leave the room, and let it go.
Oh god that academic shadow is REAL. I was ALWAYS seen as clever and successful and whatever from my earliest days and then I finally got what I'd always wanted, I started a PhD at Cambridge, and then this year it all fell apart. Long story, but in essence it wasn't down to my academic ability but to me being ill-suited to the environment, ill-matched with my supervisor, and struggling with ever-worsening social anxiety (a result of growing up undiagnosed autistic and therefore alienated from most of my peers as soon as I started school). Essentially I was told the very premise of my research was faulty and when I tried to change the course of my research to accommodate those criticisms I was told there was no one at Cambridge able or willing to supervise the project in its new shape (then my mental health collapsed to the point where I couldn't study anyway, so now I'm on a break trying to heal from that before I try again to solve the academic issues). I'm 25 and for the first time having to question whether I'm actually capable of fulfilling what I've said since I was a kid I wanted to do - I'm questioning it I want to do it at all anymore. I truly have no idea if the shadow is that I feel I have to study but don't want to, or if it's that I DO want to study but feel unable to.
The imposter syndrome around education hit me hard. I want to talk more psychology and things and was literally just a couple weeks ago talking about how I feel like I can't because I don't have a degree and maybe I need to go get a degree because I want to talk about these things.
I can resonate with what you are saying about accents. Being from Tennessee, a lots of folks see our accents as a bunch of mountain hillbillies, maybe uneducated, poor. It used to bother me. Now at 47 I don’t give a fuck.
I ADORE all of the Deep South accents so much. But I particularly make a point of complimenting them when I hear them because I know that there is that backlash against them and I find it unfortunate. You cannot presume to know someone's politics and prejudices from their accent alone. That is such lazy generalising. ❤️
This past Sunday I got the tarot suits tattooed onto my fingers. I have posted on almost all my social media about it... Except Facebook. I know the majority of ppl on my FB will see the pentacle and I'll get a bunch of messages asking me if I worship Satan. Then I'll have to go into this big speech about tarot, witch craft and religion which is exhausting. Heck when I see certain people I turn the pentacle into a smiley face just to avoid questions. I'm not sure if that's a shadow or if I'm just lazy. Cuz you're right, I just need to let it go and let ppl think what they think. Also I'm so sorry about your accent situation. That really is a mind fuck and I'm glad you're starting to go through the process of healing
A personal story ... is I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA. A number of years back I went to Cleveland, Ohio (only 2 hours away) and when we arrived to our destination, the workers right away asked if we were from Pittsburgh. I was unaware of my accent, and did not think I spoke any differenly than them... Kelly-Ann, I'm sorry you have been subject to bullying & judgement at school and from your stepdad. Also, there is No time limit to what you do. Always do what you can while you can...don't hold back. When I found you here 5 years ago I've always had utmost respect for you. You will Not lose your power. I don't think so.
I adore that you've discovered "frisson," one of my favourite French words. Roll the "r," the double "s" is like "kiss," and the "on" is nasal, almost like saying "ong," and just saying the word can make your spine tingle. I love it. Much kudos, Poptart.
I can feel your thoughts about being forced to change part of who you were. Teachers tried to force me to write exclusively with my right hand. Same feeling. You are who you are, Poptart. Loved and adored by your delightful fans, and the people who you keep close to you.
Hi Kelly'Ann, This is such great content. BTW, "frissons" in French means "shivers" in English. I am half-way through and truly relate to what you deliver. Your level of introspection and curiosity about psychology is def my jam! WRT Imposter syndrome, I can def relate to that, too. In fact, it has caused me to put a pin in some of the content I put out because of professional biases within the field. For me, witchcraft has been my therapy and Tarot has been my best counsellor. However, I have continued education to the point where I must ask myself about incongruencies between my spiritual and professional spheres. Professional colleges are different from academic schools. Professional colleges compartmentalize who gets to work with clients therapeutically with specific interventions to protect vulnerable people. 48:24 Simply "talking" about book content is not a problem but there are protected terms and designations. Reading a book about surgery does not make someone a surgeon even if they talk about what they have read. KAM, not everyone will process information as responsibly as you do. Standardizing the training aims to create responsibility and accountability to professional colleges who oversee registrants and hold them accountable. Basically, if someone reads about mechanics and then works on their own car, they are responsible for mistakes. If they begin to fiddle with other people's cars, who is responsible if/when things go awry? There is a level of trust placed. That is why standardization for therapeutic approaches is pivotal. It would be so much fun to sit and chat with you. Muahs to you.
I love this video, Kelly-Ann, thank you so much. I don't feel at all like an adult at 32, even despite being a mom at 20!! I just had a falling out with my parents, and watching this, I realize I have some DEEP-rooted shame about who I am and what I believe because I don't have their acceptance or live up to what they wanted me to be. I've been watching you for probably almost 10 years now... just want to say THANK YOU for sharing the incredible fking soul you are to the world. ❤
I'm from the deep south of USA, Birmingham Alabama and as a child I was always amazed and delighted at how Benny Hill could occasionally play characters, seemingly effortlessly, who sounded just like people who lived right down the street from me.
When looking closely, it's incredible to see how every ages has there own beauty. It appears to me like a new dimension, a new perception of reality that leaves me in awe.❤
Omg girl, I was in love with a Yorkshireman for a good chunk of time and just became enamored with all things Northern England, especially the accent. (I'm from South Africa.) And ugh... this accent memory you're describing is getting me in my feelings too. What has to be going on for you as an adult that you get onto your stepchild like that about daring to have a regional accent??? Aaaanyway, I've always *loved* it when you would break out into a Northern accent on your videos. It makes me smile without fail. Sipping a good brew seems to do it as often as anything. When you go "Ooooo, that's loveleh!" Ahhhh, just lifts the spirits
Ok ,first of all let me admit that.. I do bring out a South African accent sometimes. Just saying, haha! I've gotten much better at it over the years. Yeah my stepdad was a nightmare - that was typical of him.. Hehe, you're not the first person who's noticed that I break out my northern accent when I sip tea. I might have just figured out that it's because I find both things deeply comforting - northern accents and big cups of hot tea. On top of that, I got my deep love of tea from the northern side of the family hehe. x
40 minutes in and this is by far my favorite video you have done! Thank you for sharing such personal shadows with us all. I am inspired to make a video response of my own shadows because it's so helpful for others to hear that they aren't alone. You are so courageous!
Thank you for being so open and honest. I’m working through many shadows of my own at the moment, and when you mentioned being misunderstood it hit me like a tone of bricks that this is a huge issue for me as well. I feel like I know you better now, but I also know myself a bit better too.
I am from Birkenhead from Merseyside I understand about accent issues because my accent slides. Depending who I talk to. My mum even calls me posh because the words I use. I am 34 and still struggling with it. Your an inspiration Kelly Ann
Holy crap - the Jungian tie-in to tarot and the rewriting of Beowulf reminds me of when I wrote a paper tying the heroic knight journey of Authian literature to Tarot. So glad I'm not the only one who thinks in those ways. Thank you as always for your videos.
omg this is SO relatable, like most of your videos are for me. particularly the fear of showing the world who i really am, and the feeling i'm just two kids in a trench coat pretending to be an adult 😂 also big-gown energy with a shadow around that, and an unrelenting debater 😂🤦🏻♀️ also have the youth-related worry... but instead of coming to terms with it, i'm getting treatments 😅 REALLY grateful for your videos because it really does help me see my own shadow :3
45:55 this was so me, I felt forced to go to uni but I was struggling so much and had a breakdown just after and just about made it through to the end of my degree but felt that there was no way in any universe that I could drop out, I was also struggling since childhood with depression and anxiety, sh and was sa’ed for years and bullied for years and I needed help that I never got, until it all came to a head and I needed serious help, i also had a few su*cide attempts, I also now see that I struggled my whole life with autism and adhd and not having a clue how to interact with other humans hasn’t helped, that whole promising child crap put on me from school and at home and it was all made worse with my home life and defo school life too just was awful! It just creates a shit storm that takes so long to wade through and I’m now mid 30s and still feel so mangled up! 🤦♀️💔
You come across very intelligent, well read and learned. You don’t need a degree to prove something that is so evident just by interacting with you. I really appreciated this video. Gave me a lot to think about for my own shadows. I’m 44 tomorrow and still don’t feel like an adult. 😅 I can feel that youth is your currency feeling eating at me. I put on twenty pounds very quickly in the last few months and went from looking very young to middle aged. It’s crushing and it really shouldn’t be. Why do women have to be young looking, it’s ridiculous. I want to be able to embrace this and not fear that I’m losing my power. Checked out Baddiewinkle and hell yes, she’s goals for me now 💚
I actually had the same exact thing done to me as a child by my grandmother. We have so much in common. My mother and father were raised in different places, so whenever my siblings and I visited my moms family we were criticized because of the way we spoke, and just like you it took me many years to realize that it wasn’t right. I sometimes still struggle with feeling a way about the way that I speak. I’m told that I still have a deep accent, in spite of trying to “correct” the way I speak in certain environments. This is making a long story short.
Thanks for always being so honest and open! I could relate to a lot of what you said esp. about accents and adulting so it felt very good to know that you are dealing/struggling with this too. 🙂
Thank you, Kelly-Ann, for being so vulnerable and sharing this. I was blown away hearing about this class divide in your country; I was aware of it to a degree but not how damaging it truly is. Here in the States, as other have typed before, we have similar issues. People are judged by where they come from just by their accent. If they have an accent from the East like NY, New Jersey, etc., they are seen as rude and impatient. Having a Midwest accent, you are viewed as passive aggressive, friendly but not nice, and from a dull fly-over state. But our Southern friends have it the worst. People in the South (depending on where because even in the South there are distinct accents) are viewed as ignorant, slow, racist, uneducated and (crudely) incestuous. Many of my friends that grew up in the South were encouraged by their parents to change their accents to avoid such prejudice. Or they were so tired of the ignorant comments, that they changed their accents on their own. I'm so sorry you went through such trauma. But always, your sharing has started a great conversation and is allowing others to heal too. Sending you hugs across the miles. ❤
Absolutely Perfect 💫 The North/South accent was big for me as well, but in America. The same sort of judgement. I grew up in the South and was taught in business school to “neutralize” the voice. Also, experience IS THE WISDOM!! Not the degree. I adore you and you have deeply inspired me 🦋
I had an almost identical experience with my accent as a child with a stepparent, it's such a complicated bundle of shit to go through. I love reclaiming my cockney more now.
I had to take this in instalments because its a BIG issue/topic for me. I loved what you had to say and I had to laugh at one point because I only just last week mentioned in a video your past discussions of unlived lives! 🔥🔥🔥 Edit to add: I resonate hard-core with 'family approval is dependent on accomplishment and looks' as well as the specifically enforced and culturally poignant control of our patterns of speech. 💜💜💜
Thank you Kelly-Ann! Aging is something I've also been struggling with. I'm not even that old (23). But even when I was very young I hated the idea. I never wanted to be an old woman. I think a big part of it is to do with my only living grandparent. My grandmother abused her body a lot and because of it grew to be a very unhealthy old woman. I barely remember a time when I was very young that she could still get around on her own and still had that play in her. She looked and acted about a decade or 2 older than her actual age. She also became quite bitter. I'm not even really sure how old she was when she passed a few years ago. She coulda been in her 70s but she looked like she was in her 90s. And i wasn't told how much she had abused her body until I was about 16. So I kinda thought that everyone aged so horribly. I used to tell myself when I was a child that I didn't want to live to see 80. That I'd rather die. All this has also manifested in a hate for old people which I'm recognizing now is just me hating and fearing what I will eventually become. It's so unhealthy. I'm only 23 but I've developed a lot of body aches in the past year or 2 and I am already experiencing hip pain. I've begun to notice fine lines forming on my brow (this is probably being accelerated by my smoking habit that I DO want to drop but I haven't brought myself to do it quite yet). I've gained weight which I do like. I've always been rather thin and I used to get made fun of for it. I feel like I'm at a more average weight now but it makes me worry that I'll just age into being fat. I do feel like I'm JUST starting to tackle these negative emotions around aging. I've started connecting with Baba Yaga and I think she's been slowly helping me there. She is really important to me and I admire her very much and she very much is an old woman. She represents death and decay and how that's a necessary part of life. And since I started working with her only months ago I realized that I can't be saying nasty things about old people and looking down on them if this spirit guide of mine is herself an old woman. I can't honor Baba Yaga and then also hate her kin. I'm (honestly rather forcibly at times) viewing the elderly in a more positive light. I smile at them as genuinely as I can. When I look at them I try not to see senile, bitter, decrepit but experience and poise when I can. Idk it's still rather surface level atm but I'm working on it. Baba yaga will help me when she needs to or when I ask her. She's a rather distant spirit. I don't FEEL her often and sometimes I feel like she isn't even there but I think that's her style. She's trying to teach me to be more self sufficient and self confident. She's a very independent woman. But whenever I ask her to show herself to me or teach me a lesson she is LOUD. I've become quite a bit more picky and choosy now when I ask her for such things 😅
I think it's great that you see the root of your shadow in how your grandmother aged and her bitterness.. Working with Baba Yaga is sure to accelerate your progress. ❤️ I dunno how you are with hydration, but my fine lines get soo much deeper and more noticeable even if I don't drink water for one day! It makes a massive difference.
@Kelly-Ann Maddox ooooh yes that's a good point! I didn't even think about that. I do try to drink water in the day and some days are really good but some days are "cheat days" for me and i endulge more in soda, coffee, sweet tea. And I think it's fine to enjoy those things but I have to admit my "cheat days" have become more frequent and a little out of hand 😂😅😶 The fine lines started showing up like a year or two ago but I'm sure if I stuck more to water and cut out more dehydrating beverages I'd probably notice at least some improvement. Thanks for a tip!
Kelly, there are just so many things you've said that I was like: WOW... Keep rocking that vulnerability. 🤘I am glad someone is talking about that! I was having a moment here, haha. I definitely related 100% with your story about your accent, especially. As a French Canadian, I have this HUGE sensitivity with people who have accents (local or international), because English is not my first language. Especially as a content creator, I often worry and fear that because I don't have as much English vocabulary, but wish to produce content in English (to be as internationally accessible as possible), I won't be taken as seriously, or that this will remove me some credibility as a speaker and in the field (and I have seen this happened). It's part of my imposter syndrome as a Tarot reader. And you know... A lot of hurtful things have been said to me because of that in the past... Online (through videos) and also in real life (living in a dominantly speaking English country, even if Canada is technically bilingual). From people who rudely told me to stop talking French before, to people correcting me (and not in a funny, joking, pleasant way, but a rude way). This is not the majority, as I also receive lovely, beautiful comments about it, and I also love to laugh at myself with it, when I just trip over a word. But those rotten apples are just exhausting... Because I want to keep doing my content in English. In truth, I love the English language. I find it beautiful, damn it, haha. I always had an ease with it at school (and languages in general). And I FUCKING love your accent by the way (whichever one you feel most identified with, haha). But I know how exhausting it is to feel like you aren't taken as seriously because you have a particular accent. This is my shadow work too. About the aging process, I love what you said... A lot of your fears are shared by many people here (including me), and are so legitimate and I feel like they are so valid, especially in this industry (even the spiritual one), which let's face it: prioritizes or gives a lot of opportunities to youth, aesthetic, and beautiful faces, sometimes at the cost of actual content. But when we age, the focus changes, the conversation changes. There is this lovely, powerful lady who has a TH-cam channel called: Life over sixty with Sandra, and this woman is really damn inspirational... She has a massive organic fan crowd too (which gives me hope for humanity haha), and I understand why, because she is just authentic and so wise. Seeing someone like her makes me now unafraid of aging, and I wanted to throw a shout out for her here in case someone may struggle with that similar feeling. ❤
I love Baddie Winkle. 'Stealing your man since 1920'... this was such an interesting video. You touched on stuff that I didn't even know might be a possible shadow within myself. I'm starting to do the same myself but still getting comfortable with being 'seen', working through the imposter syndrome and talking about the things I'm passionate about. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there. Being out and proud and loud online. It's really inspiring.
Thank you so much for this video. Your discussion on being perceived as intimidating really hit home, because one of my best friends had said she was intimidated by me when we first met. I genuinely enjoy your perspective and raw honesty. Your videos feel like I'm hanging out with an older sibling. Thanks and take care!
So good Kelly Ann this is a Human Condition issue of always dealing with this propaganda as you so rightly point out. It is a very important issue our cultural darkness very fascinating
I COMPLETELY agree about feeling like I don’t feel a part of the queer culture or the straight culture as a bi/pansexual person. It’s nice to hear that there are others who feel the same. Being queer myself but in a relationship with a man for the last six and a half years definitely has brought up some shadows and difficulties and I’ll need to really dive into that! Thanks for being so personal and vulnerable, I know it can feel difficult as you said. It helps misfits like me and I’m sure many others see parts of themselves reflected back which is a tremendous help and comfort. Buuut I can’t agree with everything you said in this video…I think the Sex and the City movies are awesome! Lmaoo 😅😘💕
Ohh I definitely felt the line about understanding the size of my energetic gown 'isn't' my fault but at the same time I shouldn't make it other people's problem.
Oh Kelly-Ann…thank you for sharing your heart and your wisdom. I am sure it can’t have been easy to make a video like this, but you did it beautifully. I adore youuuu! ❤
Same here in certain places people shun away from people with a deep accent as mine. The weird part is when a hurricane forced the entire place where I’m from to evacuate to different parts of the world, people all over began to mimic the way that creole people like myself speak, and this is after all of the major criticism of the way we speak for many many years.
As always, thank you so much for your emotionally courageous raw honesty, it is so inspiring and always gives me something to think about in myself. And Baddie Winkle is the f***ing BEST!!!
Ohhh some big stuff here that I really relate to. I just turned 37, I see myself ageing, I have complex thoughts about it. I love the big gown energy, I want to embrace that aspect of myself
The accent thing is so ubiquitous. My mum’s a Brummie, my Dad’s a Scouse, my sister sounds like someone from Eastenders (though we went to the same school) and I have a strangely posh accent for someone who grew up in Milton Keynes. My mum is always judged by her accent and people are surprised by her accomplishments - it angers me so much because she’s so capable but people make snap assumptions about her credentials. The ageing one hit home too, Kelly-Ann. I can see how I’m ageing based on my instagram pictures from years ago. thankfully I’m one of those really stubborn mofos that’s like ‘eff the patriarchy’ but I’m also a thirty-something who sees adverts for Botox and fillers literally everywhere. I’m sticking firm to my ‘eff you, I’m ageing gracefully’ but still am terrified of being one of a very few women who hasn’t had any ‘work done’. Modern life can be exhausting!!
The Brummie accent is divine. I met a woman at Download Festival this summer with a tremendous Brummie accent. Here was our convo: Me: Your accent is beautiful. Her: ... I don't think anyone has ever said to me before. Thank you. Me: I love it so much. I don't think your accent ever really got its due until Peaky Blinders. But it's honestly one of the best in Britain. Her: Thanks so much, you're right! You've made me really happy. 🥹🥹🥹 Fuck accent discrimination. It is truly idiotic. Thanks also for opening up about your fears of ageing. I felt every word you wrote. X
Great post! I really enjoyed every part of this wisdom, (and recognized so many parallels!) Don’t worry about aging, you’ll be even more amazing by then.
About your worries on aging ... you can become a modern world, real life Esme Weatherwax. Your power radiates from you, and you can unleash it in social situations like a weapon. The more you learn, the more you lean into who you are, the more of that ferocity you can wield. Good news, you are already pretty much an unstoppable force, cariad. Pour it on.
I love how you speak about the crone! And yes this is what we need in every part of society. That a woman's (or for me, my) value is wrapped up in remaining youthful and trying to be the most beautiful version of themselves aesthetically, is so deeply ingrained in our culture is so sad. The crone has been showing up for me for a few months consistently and I really resonated with this Kelly-Ann. Theres so much here you said that is so vulnerable and thank you for sharing. I also deeply resonate with the dichotomous nuance about wanting to been seen as my authentic witch self and laying it out there so people see it and it being a bs filter vs also feeling a little scared of judgement. Sometimes I say 'I'm witchy' as the y somehow softens it - and I think why am I doing that! Or 'spiritual' and then they ask me about crystals and yoga. I feel this shadow comes up so much for me with school mums and the school run etc. When I started working with The Witches Box in 2021 I just put my job on FB like there it is. And sometimes I just find myself saying it in conversation like ripping off a plaster - if people ask me about myself - its almost like just say it what's the worse thing that can happen. But I do still struggle with that idea that 'oh they think I'm weird or crazy etc' and the gossip, cliqueness and bitchiness of school mums is brutal. Its a cliche but its soooo true. Ultimately, I am slowly learning to not care! I've been told when I get to 40 it will be easier 🙏 So interesting about wanting the approval of atheist people as well. I have felt like that too. I want them to know it's not some phoney bs and I am legitimate and intelligent and I have studied academic theories and papers and yes that actually surprised me that it hit home so strongly for me when you mentioned it. Lol - so many more shadows to work on! 😂sometimes it is overwhelming knowing I will never be done with the work, but then I find it comforting that at least I'm working on it and hopefully it will help me to be a better human a little bit here and there! 🤞💗 Thank you again for sharing. So much love Kelly-Ann xx
"It wasn't as easy to obtain love when you weren't doing something that could be lived through vicariously through the family." (Paraphrased) Holy crap that hit me in the gut.
Love this topic! I struggle with the fact that I am very clear and consistent with my passions/interests, however I have found since my youth that my personality is unclear and inconsistent. Also inconsistent in career paths, and interest groups. So I know who my inner self is, but I don't translate it well into society.
🤣 Hehe, yeah at this point I am pretty sure it will not go away - thank you for confirming, hehe! I will always feel like I am 'dressing up' as an adult. It's kind of refreshing to get to this age and realise loads of people feel this way all the time. It's totally contradictory to how I viewed adults before I was one! x
I feel like when you have done extensive therapy and self study for your own mental health issues that you are an expert on the material and sharing your experiences , learning , growth, and healing helps so many people. And I resonate with so much of what you are talking about
I really relate to the old shame of people finding out about my witchdom and, especially this, believing i'm unintelligent. Especially here in Sweden, the culture and notion of witches, pagans, those who believe in asatro etc.. it's a very hammered in specific connotation of "loser", "unintelligent" and just.. kinda pathetic, silly, dumb? And that is what still keeps me from being 100% open about it. I have, and have had, a lot of shame and selfhate during my 33 years and the one thing ive never ragged on or doubted is my intelligence, so admitting something openly that I know will make people think im a nimwit or smth feels really hard. Especially now that I am in the worst burnout/mental exhaustion of my life where i have around the clock brainfog, memory issues and losing words, having trouble forming sentences above a 3rd grade level (if even that), it's become even harder. Because the exhaustion makes me feel stupid. So i totally empathize and i hope i can shadow work myself through this too one day.
I'm Queer (lesbian) but I kink almost exclusively with men and because I'm not actively looking for romantic relationships (not a priority) I've had to make peace with being "functionally straight." I've had some Queer folks tell me that women won't be interested because I only play with men so they think I'm not really gay and my response has been "if they'd assume things about someone's sexuality based on no interaction or understanding, they're not someone I'd want to date anyway." I've always felt I didn't fit in the Queer community and the more I try and spend time in Queer spaces the more I realise they're not spaces I feel good. I consistantly feel that I'm not "doing gay right" or somehow letting the side down and being judged for it.
I'm sorry you experienced that with your accent. I'm from the Home Counties in the south of England so I have the Received Pronunciation accent. I'm from a Labour voting working class background (mum is a nursery nurse and my dad is a Persian immigrant and carpenter). I've also been called 'posh' because of my accent but I'm really not. Personally, I love all regional accents! I read an interesting Guardian article recently that suggested many middle class English people are embarrassed to admit they're middle class (they mean 'middle class' in the British sense of going to a private school, and their parents taking home large salaries). Instead these middle class people downplay their privilege and refer to themselves as working class. I don't know, but it's very English to hate ourselves 😂.
Oh these accent divides happen in the US too. I’m from the Midwest we’re our accent is very..idk “mild” let’s say. Newscasters and people who work in television are trained to speak very similarly because it’s easily understandable and more people can watch without there being a type of “language divide”. I was taught to speak in “proper American English” which meant very little slang, no Ebonics (which is such a horrible name for the way inner city black people speak, but it’s actually it’s own language that kind of evolved from slave days and the way they’d code words to keep conversations away from the owners. Very fascinating), no southern accents (which is ridiculous bc I’m from Ohio and anywhere south of Cleveland you pretty much get a southern accent). But what’s funny is when you think of a midwestern accent, you’ll go to Minnesota, which is closer to Canada and you get alot of hard a’s, doncha know 😂 It’s wild and honestly pretty elitist and white supremacist if I think about it. I love accents and I have a very good ear for them.
Urgh the accent thing is definately a class thing. Im so sorry you had to experience this in such a sinister way. I hope you dont mind me saying but I love when you slip into Northern accent 🫂 I used to have a strong Essex (bordering australian because I was a soap addict 😄)accent growing up. I got embarrassed by it in my teens because I didnt want to be perceived as the dumb tacky Essex girl. Im not particularly academic but I had interests not shared with my peers. A lot of pressure from family too to be a certain way if I wanted to be respected. In the end I still didnt get the validation I wanted 😄
When your epic crone comes forward to take her place on the stage of your life she will SHINE under the lights and I will still sit with my tea and marvel at every word she says. I believe aging is a treasured gift and I will cherish your work no matter the age you are when you make it. Thank you for this video, it made me cry! much love x
Thank you for your vulnerability in this video 💓 I resonated with so much of your experience, not always the same types of challenges but I relate to the challenge of learning who we are amongst others. To see how life has shaped us and to now choose how we want to proceed. I especially related to what you were saying about feeling family love when we are in their approval! Blessings 💗🌞✨️ and sending love
There is a poem by a scouse housewife called The Class Game which speaks to bigoted views based on regional accents. The first part of your video reminded me of it.
My mum is from the midlands (working class), so I’m not really sure what’s that considered as far as North/south. It’s very sad that your step dad forced you to change your accent. I’m sorry that happened to you when you were little.
How interesting that your mum is from the Midlands. I ADORE Midlands accents. Yes, there is prejudice against them.. But they have been getting a lot more fucking respect since Peaky Blinders 😜 - too fucking right! 👏
Language and identity are very closely interrelated, it's such an interesting topic. Lots of different facets have been explored in both the sociolinguistics and applied linguistics fields. I totally relate to the struggle of feeling and being considered "other" based on the accent or language used. And the propensity for using all the different accents/languages in my repertoire, I now call it the parrot in me 😝
Hello lovely Kelly Ann. I have been listening to you while decorating for Yule! So sad to hear you were forced to change the way you spoke as a child. I wish you were born in Norway where most dialects has a high status. I think this is because Norwegians are mostly decendants of farmers and fishers. The only nobility in our country are originally Danes of other Europeans . Yes, some dialects has a higher status, ( rural dialects with tradritions, or urban dialects) bur you are not expected to change the way you speak. Be who you are!!
YES! YES! I stand and applaud!!! This video is beautiful. I love watching your videos from years back, they are very important. Yes you are changing and time is sculpting you and it's AWESOME! Changing is living art and I can't wait to see you 20 and 30 years from now. Hell, I can't wait to see you a week from now. I love looking at me from the 80s and the 90s and NOW! I love looking like Vivian Munster! Wait, is it Lilian Munster!
I am, and have always since childhood, been pan-sexual, as was my late husband/life partner/soulmate; that identity has always been paramount for each of us (he’s probably still flying his queer flag out in the cosmos somewhere!😏🌈). We lived a life of free love, dedicated heart and soul-wise to each other, but sharing love and sex with others, sometimes together, sometimes separate. It was a life of total loveliness and bliss for us. The only struggle we had, and we shared it, was being perceived as a straight couple by those who didn’t know us. It fucking killed us to think that most people couldn’t/wouldn’t see us for who we were.
Kelly Ann yur a super wisdomer and dont despair on yur lack of degree in academia cus yu can explore the studies wen yu have the proper time. The right people can give yuu the guidence and the ideas that will propel yu to yur journee. The world is yur education. Yu give so much with the way yu share yur gown.." at all tommorrows parties" (nico song )🥰🍭🌈🍄🏵
Iive in a area where bisexual is looked down on and all my beliefs are looked down and I have to keep it all hid not out of shame but because of danger that is why we're moving out of state very soon and I can't wait I just want to be me with out feeling in danger.
If you watch Louis Therouxs interview with yungblud there’s such weirdness with him and his family, he says some stuff that was traumatic to him and his whole family is like wtf 😳🤷♀️ they’re all so confused like they have absolutely no clue what he’s on about and they do all speak better than he does, it is like he tries to push all that stuff and he also tries to push not taking mental health medication and stuff which is so dangerous and I really went off him from that, I think he really needs some help.
100% with you re beauty and ageing in contemporary western world. It's such a disgrace that wisdom and its silver hair has been relegated to a tiny corner of the room, particularly for women. No wonder everything's out of whack
I would love that but I'm actually a Sandgrounder. 😜 I got so used to saying 'near Liverpool' because when I say 'Southport' people say 'where the fuck is that?' or 'Is that near Southampton?' 😄 The Scouse accent is the most superior accent in the UK bar none. ❤️
@@kelly-annmaddox A Sandgrounder ! I Havent heard that fr years 🤣. Arh well thats near enough Southport😄. I’d deffo have ro agree with you on the accent tho coz im bias 😄❤️.
@blyndzenyth2 Haha I love demonyms! I use them every chance I get, but when I was a kid I thought Sandgrounder was top banana! 😍😄 Yesss Scouse is so lush. You've done well in life to get that one. 👏
At 54 I still don’t really feel like an adult. I’m still the same goofy, magical kid that I have always been…who may never feel old enough for stilettos and red lipstick. I think my potty mouth formed as an attempt to show others that I was “grown” and I stopped coloring my hair when it started going white, probably for the same reason. Or maybe even to prove it to myself sometimes. But the fact is that I am the same girl who believes in signs, and loves synchronicities and coincidences and color and punk rock and Dr Martens and Scooby Doo! I still love escaping into books and music and hope that I never lose that young at heart spirit. 🤘🏼😘🫶🏼
I'm only like 11 minutes in but omg, you unlocked some memories for me with your experience with your accent. I'm from the North East, sort of a weak geordie accent and I moved to South Africa with my grandparents when I was a kid. The whole time I was living with them I was trained to talk differently, to enunciate absolutely everything because they didn't want anyone to think I was scruffy or common! Even now I'm 27 and my accent interchanges, especially with my mood.
I’m so drawn to discussions about shadow work but I also find myself frustrated and envious too… I always go in thinking “maybe I’ll get a sense of what shadow work is like and what I’m supposed to do/feel/think about so I can find a place to start” but what invariably ends up happening is I get upset thinking how other people know who they are and I’m just this empty shell who can’t answer the most basic of questions about herself. Even in therapy, she asks me what seem like very simple questions that I’m sure everyone else in the world can answer, and my mind is just blank. If I used to be someone I’ve forgotten who she is. I think she used to enjoy things. I think she used to feel things. But the person walking around now can’t seem to find a happy middle between panic attack and heavily medicated and I don’t seem to be able to be STILL long enough to think about myself. Im surprised I managed to write all that, honestly. That’s almost me focusing on me for a bit. Sigh. Im so tired. More therapy, I guess.
There is a really good book called "The Right to Speak" by Patsy Rodenburg and it's for everyone! This book will go into the psychology of speech, the trauma people with certain kinds of speech will experience and how to heal.
I too have felt a weird dissociation with my voice at time and being gay and black it's a constant tug or war between sounding "proper", but retaining my "blackness" or trying not to talk "too gay" or be too much of a masculine caricature. it's crazy.
Sound recommendation - thank you! ❤️
Your journey with your voice has such layers of complexity to it! Do you think it will be a lifelong path? Or have you made your peace with your voice now? 🤔
Such a stressful spot to be put into
When you were talking about accents my first thought was that Yungblud interview. As an American who doesn’t know the intricacies of accents and a HUGE Yungblud fan I loved this!
Wow. As a secular, agnostic atheist who is also a long time viewer, im so sorry some people who share my beliefs, and level of interest in science and scientific literacy would treat you with disrespect. I know as an American agnostic atheist, it can be so scary to see hugely powerful people, and branches of government rely on faith and mythology to justify laws, and policy, and what your comment made me think of is that maybe some people unknowingly unleash their frustrations about the misuse of faith, and spirituality on you, even though you always are clear and concise that you do not wish or intend your experience to be proof someone else should be okay with some kind of dogma, like what happens sadly with the Abrahamic religions in some places, especially over here in the states. Uh, it just hurt me to think people have treated you that way. That really is unfair, and as an aside I find you very intelligent, and compelling! And I have seen you as those things since I found you years ago. I really hate that people would try and make you feel less than or unintelligent because they clearly have lots of shit to unpack.
As a Londoner from a working class family with a thick cockney accent (& a single mum of young children on benefits when I started my degree as a full time mature student) the weight of imposter syndrome I felt while going to University in Canterbury, Kent was insane!
It took almost a year for me to get off the bus on campus not thinking “today is the day someone will tell me there has been a mistake & I shouldn’t have been given a place here”.
I felt so weird there it’s hard to put into words
This is such a potent video, Kelly-Ann. So many things to say that I’m thinking I’ll put them in separate comments. Being judged and being misunderstood are major issues for me. Through shadow work I created this mantra for myself decades ago that has helped me incredibly: Just assume they’re going to talk about you when you leave the room, and let it go.
Oh god that academic shadow is REAL. I was ALWAYS seen as clever and successful and whatever from my earliest days and then I finally got what I'd always wanted, I started a PhD at Cambridge, and then this year it all fell apart. Long story, but in essence it wasn't down to my academic ability but to me being ill-suited to the environment, ill-matched with my supervisor, and struggling with ever-worsening social anxiety (a result of growing up undiagnosed autistic and therefore alienated from most of my peers as soon as I started school). Essentially I was told the very premise of my research was faulty and when I tried to change the course of my research to accommodate those criticisms I was told there was no one at Cambridge able or willing to supervise the project in its new shape (then my mental health collapsed to the point where I couldn't study anyway, so now I'm on a break trying to heal from that before I try again to solve the academic issues). I'm 25 and for the first time having to question whether I'm actually capable of fulfilling what I've said since I was a kid I wanted to do - I'm questioning it I want to do it at all anymore. I truly have no idea if the shadow is that I feel I have to study but don't want to, or if it's that I DO want to study but feel unable to.
The imposter syndrome around education hit me hard. I want to talk more psychology and things and was literally just a couple weeks ago talking about how I feel like I can't because I don't have a degree and maybe I need to go get a degree because I want to talk about these things.
I can resonate with what you are saying about accents. Being from Tennessee, a lots of folks see our accents as a bunch of mountain hillbillies, maybe uneducated, poor. It used to bother me. Now at 47 I don’t give a fuck.
I ADORE all of the Deep South accents so much. But I particularly make a point of complimenting them when I hear them because I know that there is that backlash against them and I find it unfortunate. You cannot presume to know someone's politics and prejudices from their accent alone. That is such lazy generalising. ❤️
This past Sunday I got the tarot suits tattooed onto my fingers. I have posted on almost all my social media about it... Except Facebook. I know the majority of ppl on my FB will see the pentacle and I'll get a bunch of messages asking me if I worship Satan. Then I'll have to go into this big speech about tarot, witch craft and religion which is exhausting. Heck when I see certain people I turn the pentacle into a smiley face just to avoid questions.
I'm not sure if that's a shadow or if I'm just lazy. Cuz you're right, I just need to let it go and let ppl think what they think.
Also I'm so sorry about your accent situation. That really is a mind fuck and I'm glad you're starting to go through the process of healing
A personal story ... is I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA. A number of years back I went to Cleveland, Ohio (only 2 hours away) and when we arrived to our destination, the workers right away asked if we were from Pittsburgh. I was unaware of my accent, and did not think I spoke any differenly than them...
Kelly-Ann, I'm sorry you have been subject to bullying & judgement at school and from your stepdad. Also, there is No time limit to what you do. Always do what you can while you can...don't hold back. When I found you here 5 years ago I've always had utmost respect for you. You will Not lose your power. I don't think so.
I adore that you've discovered "frisson," one of my favourite French words. Roll the "r," the double "s" is like "kiss," and the "on" is nasal, almost like saying "ong," and just saying the word can make your spine tingle. I love it. Much kudos, Poptart.
I can feel your thoughts about being forced to change part of who you were. Teachers tried to force me to write exclusively with my right hand. Same feeling. You are who you are, Poptart. Loved and adored by your delightful fans, and the people who you keep close to you.
my father who dealt with that in school when it was still common to do that in Quebec Canada, tried to pass that on with me. I feel you.
Same! Primary school forced me to be a right hander too :(( I am now a firm lefty though, got to reclaim eventually. I feel you!
Hi Kelly'Ann, This is such great content. BTW, "frissons" in French means "shivers" in English. I am half-way through and truly relate to what you deliver. Your level of introspection and curiosity about psychology is def my jam! WRT Imposter syndrome, I can def relate to that, too. In fact, it has caused me to put a pin in some of the content I put out because of professional biases within the field. For me, witchcraft has been my therapy and Tarot has been my best counsellor. However, I have continued education to the point where I must ask myself about incongruencies between my spiritual and professional spheres. Professional colleges are different from academic schools. Professional colleges compartmentalize who gets to work with clients therapeutically with specific interventions to protect vulnerable people. 48:24 Simply "talking" about book content is not a problem but there are protected terms and designations. Reading a book about surgery does not make someone a surgeon even if they talk about what they have read. KAM, not everyone will process information as responsibly as you do. Standardizing the training aims to create responsibility and accountability to professional colleges who oversee registrants and hold them accountable. Basically, if someone reads about mechanics and then works on their own car, they are responsible for mistakes. If they begin to fiddle with other people's cars, who is responsible if/when things go awry? There is a level of trust placed. That is why standardization for therapeutic approaches is pivotal. It would be so much fun to sit and chat with you. Muahs to you.
I love this video, Kelly-Ann, thank you so much. I don't feel at all like an adult at 32, even despite being a mom at 20!! I just had a falling out with my parents, and watching this, I realize I have some DEEP-rooted shame about who I am and what I believe because I don't have their acceptance or live up to what they wanted me to be.
I've been watching you for probably almost 10 years now... just want to say THANK YOU for sharing the incredible fking soul you are to the world. ❤
I'm from the deep south of USA, Birmingham Alabama and as a child I was always amazed and delighted at how Benny Hill could occasionally play characters, seemingly effortlessly, who sounded just like people who lived right down the street from me.
When looking closely, it's incredible to see how every ages has there own beauty. It appears to me like a new dimension, a new perception of reality that leaves me in awe.❤
Omg girl, I was in love with a Yorkshireman for a good chunk of time and just became enamored with all things Northern England, especially the accent. (I'm from South Africa.) And ugh... this accent memory you're describing is getting me in my feelings too. What has to be going on for you as an adult that you get onto your stepchild like that about daring to have a regional accent??? Aaaanyway, I've always *loved* it when you would break out into a Northern accent on your videos. It makes me smile without fail. Sipping a good brew seems to do it as often as anything. When you go "Ooooo, that's loveleh!" Ahhhh, just lifts the spirits
Ok ,first of all let me admit that.. I do bring out a South African accent sometimes. Just saying, haha! I've gotten much better at it over the years.
Yeah my stepdad was a nightmare - that was typical of him..
Hehe, you're not the first person who's noticed that I break out my northern accent when I sip tea. I might have just figured out that it's because I find both things deeply comforting - northern accents and big cups of hot tea. On top of that, I got my deep love of tea from the northern side of the family hehe. x
40 minutes in and this is by far my favorite video you have done! Thank you for sharing such personal shadows with us all. I am inspired to make a video response of my own shadows because it's so helpful for others to hear that they aren't alone. You are so courageous!
Thank you for being so open and honest. I’m working through many shadows of my own at the moment, and when you mentioned being misunderstood it hit me like a tone of bricks that this is a huge issue for me as well. I feel like I know you better now, but I also know myself a bit better too.
I am from Birkenhead from Merseyside I understand about accent issues because my accent slides. Depending who I talk to. My mum even calls me posh because the words I use. I am 34 and still struggling with it. Your an inspiration Kelly Ann
You're refreshing like Gatorade™️ Kelly-Ann. Stay true to you! I'm here for it 💕🙌😎
Holy crap - the Jungian tie-in to tarot and the rewriting of Beowulf reminds me of when I wrote a paper tying the heroic knight journey of Authian literature to Tarot. So glad I'm not the only one who thinks in those ways. Thank you as always for your videos.
😍 OMG Amazing!
omg this is SO relatable, like most of your videos are for me. particularly the fear of showing the world who i really am, and the feeling i'm just two kids in a trench coat pretending to be an adult 😂
also big-gown energy with a shadow around that, and an unrelenting debater 😂🤦🏻♀️
also have the youth-related worry... but instead of coming to terms with it, i'm getting treatments 😅
REALLY grateful for your videos because it really does help me see my own shadow :3
haven't watched it yet, but boy is this right on topic for me. Literally was talking to my wife yesterday about my identity crisis issues.
Ooo I’m so early! Yay!
The last part about aging really hit home with me! I turned 40 this year and I have so much to unpack 😅
45:55 this was so me, I felt forced to go to uni but I was struggling so much and had a breakdown just after and just about made it through to the end of my degree but felt that there was no way in any universe that I could drop out, I was also struggling since childhood with depression and anxiety, sh and was sa’ed for years and bullied for years and I needed help that I never got, until it all came to a head and I needed serious help, i also had a few su*cide attempts, I also now see that I struggled my whole life with autism and adhd and not having a clue how to interact with other humans hasn’t helped, that whole promising child crap put on me from
school and at home and it was all made worse with my home life and defo school life too just was awful! It just creates a shit storm that takes so long to wade through and I’m now mid 30s and still feel so mangled up! 🤦♀️💔
I can relate to every last thing you said. I really have to admire your vulnerability and willingness to share. It means a lot. Thank you.
You come across very intelligent, well read and learned. You don’t need a degree to prove something that is so evident just by interacting with you. I really appreciated this video. Gave me a lot to think about for my own shadows. I’m 44 tomorrow and still don’t feel like an adult. 😅 I can feel that youth is your currency feeling eating at me. I put on twenty pounds very quickly in the last few months and went from looking very young to middle aged. It’s crushing and it really shouldn’t be. Why do women have to be young looking, it’s ridiculous. I want to be able to embrace this and not fear that I’m losing my power. Checked out Baddiewinkle and hell yes, she’s goals for me now 💚
I actually had the same exact thing done to me as a child by my grandmother. We have so much in common. My mother and father were raised in different places, so whenever my siblings and I visited my moms family we were criticized because of the way we spoke, and just like you it took me many years to realize that it wasn’t right. I sometimes still struggle with feeling a way about the way that I speak. I’m told that I still have a deep accent, in spite of trying to “correct” the way I speak in certain environments. This is making a long story short.
Thanks for always being so honest and open! I could relate to a lot of what you said esp. about accents and adulting so it felt very good to know that you are dealing/struggling with this too. 🙂
Thank you, Kelly-Ann, for being so vulnerable and sharing this. I was blown away hearing about this class divide in your country; I was aware of it to a degree but not how damaging it truly is. Here in the States, as other have typed before, we have similar issues. People are judged by where they come from just by their accent. If they have an accent from the East like NY, New Jersey, etc., they are seen as rude and impatient. Having a Midwest accent, you are viewed as passive aggressive, friendly but not nice, and from a dull fly-over state. But our Southern friends have it the worst. People in the South (depending on where because even in the South there are distinct accents) are viewed as ignorant, slow, racist, uneducated and (crudely) incestuous. Many of my friends that grew up in the South were encouraged by their parents to change their accents to avoid such prejudice. Or they were so tired of the ignorant comments, that they changed their accents on their own. I'm so sorry you went through such trauma. But always, your sharing has started a great conversation and is allowing others to heal too. Sending you hugs across the miles. ❤
Absolutely Perfect 💫
The North/South accent was big for me as well, but in America. The same sort of judgement. I grew up in the South and was taught in business school to “neutralize” the voice. Also, experience IS THE WISDOM!! Not the degree. I adore you and you have deeply inspired me 🦋
I had an almost identical experience with my accent as a child with a stepparent, it's such a complicated bundle of shit to go through. I love reclaiming my cockney more now.
I had to take this in instalments because its a BIG issue/topic for me. I loved what you had to say and I had to laugh at one point because I only just last week mentioned in a video your past discussions of unlived lives! 🔥🔥🔥 Edit to add: I resonate hard-core with 'family approval is dependent on accomplishment and looks' as well as the specifically enforced and culturally poignant control of our patterns of speech. 💜💜💜
Thank you Kelly-Ann!
Aging is something I've also been struggling with. I'm not even that old (23). But even when I was very young I hated the idea. I never wanted to be an old woman. I think a big part of it is to do with my only living grandparent. My grandmother abused her body a lot and because of it grew to be a very unhealthy old woman. I barely remember a time when I was very young that she could still get around on her own and still had that play in her. She looked and acted about a decade or 2 older than her actual age. She also became quite bitter. I'm not even really sure how old she was when she passed a few years ago. She coulda been in her 70s but she looked like she was in her 90s. And i wasn't told how much she had abused her body until I was about 16. So I kinda thought that everyone aged so horribly. I used to tell myself when I was a child that I didn't want to live to see 80. That I'd rather die. All this has also manifested in a hate for old people which I'm recognizing now is just me hating and fearing what I will eventually become. It's so unhealthy.
I'm only 23 but I've developed a lot of body aches in the past year or 2 and I am already experiencing hip pain. I've begun to notice fine lines forming on my brow (this is probably being accelerated by my smoking habit that I DO want to drop but I haven't brought myself to do it quite yet). I've gained weight which I do like. I've always been rather thin and I used to get made fun of for it. I feel like I'm at a more average weight now but it makes me worry that I'll just age into being fat. I do feel like I'm JUST starting to tackle these negative emotions around aging.
I've started connecting with Baba Yaga and I think she's been slowly helping me there. She is really important to me and I admire her very much and she very much is an old woman. She represents death and decay and how that's a necessary part of life. And since I started working with her only months ago I realized that I can't be saying nasty things about old people and looking down on them if this spirit guide of mine is herself an old woman. I can't honor Baba Yaga and then also hate her kin. I'm (honestly rather forcibly at times) viewing the elderly in a more positive light. I smile at them as genuinely as I can. When I look at them I try not to see senile, bitter, decrepit but experience and poise when I can. Idk it's still rather surface level atm but I'm working on it. Baba yaga will help me when she needs to or when I ask her. She's a rather distant spirit. I don't FEEL her often and sometimes I feel like she isn't even there but I think that's her style. She's trying to teach me to be more self sufficient and self confident. She's a very independent woman. But whenever I ask her to show herself to me or teach me a lesson she is LOUD. I've become quite a bit more picky and choosy now when I ask her for such things 😅
I think it's great that you see the root of your shadow in how your grandmother aged and her bitterness.. Working with Baba Yaga is sure to accelerate your progress. ❤️
I dunno how you are with hydration, but my fine lines get soo much deeper and more noticeable even if I don't drink water for one day! It makes a massive difference.
@Kelly-Ann Maddox ooooh yes that's a good point! I didn't even think about that. I do try to drink water in the day and some days are really good but some days are "cheat days" for me and i endulge more in soda, coffee, sweet tea. And I think it's fine to enjoy those things but I have to admit my "cheat days" have become more frequent and a little out of hand 😂😅😶 The fine lines started showing up like a year or two ago but I'm sure if I stuck more to water and cut out more dehydrating beverages I'd probably notice at least some improvement. Thanks for a tip!
Kelly, there are just so many things you've said that I was like: WOW... Keep rocking that vulnerability. 🤘I am glad someone is talking about that! I was having a moment here, haha.
I definitely related 100% with your story about your accent, especially. As a French Canadian, I have this HUGE sensitivity with people who have accents (local or international), because English is not my first language. Especially as a content creator, I often worry and fear that because I don't have as much English vocabulary, but wish to produce content in English (to be as internationally accessible as possible), I won't be taken as seriously, or that this will remove me some credibility as a speaker and in the field (and I have seen this happened). It's part of my imposter syndrome as a Tarot reader.
And you know... A lot of hurtful things have been said to me because of that in the past... Online (through videos) and also in real life (living in a dominantly speaking English country, even if Canada is technically bilingual). From people who rudely told me to stop talking French before, to people correcting me (and not in a funny, joking, pleasant way, but a rude way). This is not the majority, as I also receive lovely, beautiful comments about it, and I also love to laugh at myself with it, when I just trip over a word. But those rotten apples are just exhausting... Because I want to keep doing my content in English. In truth, I love the English language. I find it beautiful, damn it, haha. I always had an ease with it at school (and languages in general). And I FUCKING love your accent by the way (whichever one you feel most identified with, haha). But I know how exhausting it is to feel like you aren't taken as seriously because you have a particular accent. This is my shadow work too.
About the aging process, I love what you said... A lot of your fears are shared by many people here (including me), and are so legitimate and I feel like they are so valid, especially in this industry (even the spiritual one), which let's face it: prioritizes or gives a lot of opportunities to youth, aesthetic, and beautiful faces, sometimes at the cost of actual content. But when we age, the focus changes, the conversation changes. There is this lovely, powerful lady who has a TH-cam channel called: Life over sixty with Sandra, and this woman is really damn inspirational... She has a massive organic fan crowd too (which gives me hope for humanity haha), and I understand why, because she is just authentic and so wise. Seeing someone like her makes me now unafraid of aging, and I wanted to throw a shout out for her here in case someone may struggle with that similar feeling. ❤
I love Baddie Winkle. 'Stealing your man since 1920'... this was such an interesting video. You touched on stuff that I didn't even know might be a possible shadow within myself. I'm starting to do the same myself but still getting comfortable with being 'seen', working through the imposter syndrome and talking about the things I'm passionate about. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there. Being out and proud and loud online. It's really inspiring.
Better than cookies for breakfast. . . Ty. . . End is really helpful. Length is choice. U da bomb.
You have given better advice so many times that was better and helped me more than my therapist
All of these are me too. Thank you for being candid.
Thank you so much for this video. Your discussion on being perceived as intimidating really hit home, because one of my best friends had said she was intimidated by me when we first met. I genuinely enjoy your perspective and raw honesty. Your videos feel like I'm hanging out with an older sibling. Thanks and take care!
42:05 Exactly! I really love your mental health videos. 49:40 Same...I appreciate your wisdom. Thank you☺
Your channel has become one of my firm favourites!
So good Kelly Ann this is a Human Condition issue of always dealing with this propaganda as you so rightly point out. It is a very important issue our cultural darkness very fascinating
I COMPLETELY agree about feeling like I don’t feel a part of the queer culture or the straight culture as a bi/pansexual person. It’s nice to hear that there are others who feel the same. Being queer myself but in a relationship with a man for the last six and a half years definitely has brought up some shadows and difficulties and I’ll need to really dive into that!
Thanks for being so personal and vulnerable, I know it can feel difficult as you said. It helps misfits like me and I’m sure many others see parts of themselves reflected back which is a tremendous help and comfort.
Buuut I can’t agree with everything you said in this video…I think the Sex and the City movies are awesome! Lmaoo 😅😘💕
Ohh I definitely felt the line about understanding the size of my energetic gown 'isn't' my fault but at the same time I shouldn't make it other people's problem.
Oh Kelly-Ann…thank you for sharing your heart and your wisdom. I am sure it can’t have been easy to make a video like this, but you did it beautifully. I adore youuuu! ❤
Same here in certain places people shun away from people with a deep accent as mine. The weird part is when a hurricane forced the entire place where I’m from to evacuate to different parts of the world, people all over began to mimic the way that creole people like myself speak, and this is after all of the major criticism of the way we speak for many many years.
As always, thank you so much for your emotionally courageous raw honesty, it is so inspiring and always gives me something to think about in myself. And Baddie Winkle is the f***ing BEST!!!
Ohhh some big stuff here that I really relate to. I just turned 37, I see myself ageing, I have complex thoughts about it. I love the big gown energy, I want to embrace that aspect of myself
this is good stuff!!!! reading up on king and lilith lately because this has been the theme of the week.
The accent thing is so ubiquitous. My mum’s a Brummie, my Dad’s a Scouse, my sister sounds like someone from Eastenders (though we went to the same school) and I have a strangely posh accent for someone who grew up in Milton Keynes. My mum is always judged by her accent and people are surprised by her accomplishments - it angers me so much because she’s so capable but people make snap assumptions about her credentials.
The ageing one hit home too, Kelly-Ann. I can see how I’m ageing based on my instagram pictures from years ago. thankfully I’m one of those really stubborn mofos that’s like ‘eff the patriarchy’ but I’m also a thirty-something who sees adverts for Botox and fillers literally everywhere. I’m sticking firm to my ‘eff you, I’m ageing gracefully’ but still am terrified of being one of a very few women who hasn’t had any ‘work done’. Modern life can be exhausting!!
The Brummie accent is divine. I met a woman at Download Festival this summer with a tremendous Brummie accent. Here was our convo:
Me: Your accent is beautiful.
Her: ... I don't think anyone has ever said to me before. Thank you.
Me: I love it so much. I don't think your accent ever really got its due until Peaky Blinders. But it's honestly one of the best in Britain.
Her: Thanks so much, you're right! You've made me really happy.
🥹🥹🥹
Fuck accent discrimination. It is truly idiotic.
Thanks also for opening up about your fears of ageing. I felt every word you wrote. X
That cauldron my is amazing! Happy New Year! =)
Thank you darling. Happy New Year to you too x
I’m super late to this party, but oh my stars, thank you for having this conversation 🖤
Great post! I really enjoyed every part of this wisdom, (and recognized so many parallels!) Don’t worry about aging, you’ll be even more amazing by then.
This was so real. Thank you!
About your worries on aging ... you can become a modern world, real life Esme Weatherwax. Your power radiates from you, and you can unleash it in social situations like a weapon. The more you learn, the more you lean into who you are, the more of that ferocity you can wield.
Good news, you are already pretty much an unstoppable force, cariad. Pour it on.
I love how you speak about the crone! And yes this is what we need in every part of society. That a woman's (or for me, my) value is wrapped up in remaining youthful and trying to be the most beautiful version of themselves aesthetically, is so deeply ingrained in our culture is so sad. The crone has been showing up for me for a few months consistently and I really resonated with this Kelly-Ann. Theres so much here you said that is so vulnerable and thank you for sharing. I also deeply resonate with the dichotomous nuance about wanting to been seen as my authentic witch self and laying it out there so people see it and it being a bs filter vs also feeling a little scared of judgement. Sometimes I say 'I'm witchy' as the y somehow softens it - and I think why am I doing that! Or 'spiritual' and then they ask me about crystals and yoga. I feel this shadow comes up so much for me with school mums and the school run etc. When I started working with The Witches Box in 2021 I just put my job on FB like there it is. And sometimes I just find myself saying it in conversation like ripping off a plaster - if people ask me about myself - its almost like just say it what's the worse thing that can happen. But I do still struggle with that idea that 'oh they think I'm weird or crazy etc' and the gossip, cliqueness and bitchiness of school mums is brutal. Its a cliche but its soooo true. Ultimately, I am slowly learning to not care! I've been told when I get to 40 it will be easier 🙏 So interesting about wanting the approval of atheist people as well. I have felt like that too. I want them to know it's not some phoney bs and I am legitimate and intelligent and I have studied academic theories and papers and yes that actually surprised me that it hit home so strongly for me when you mentioned it. Lol - so many more shadows to work on! 😂sometimes it is overwhelming knowing I will never be done with the work, but then I find it comforting that at least I'm working on it and hopefully it will help me to be a better human a little bit here and there! 🤞💗 Thank you again for sharing. So much love Kelly-Ann xx
Rewatching. This was so deeply helpful.🙏🏼
"It wasn't as easy to obtain love when you weren't doing something that could be lived through vicariously through the family." (Paraphrased) Holy crap that hit me in the gut.
Yes! That described my experience to a tee!
@Shauna Rae Tarot I'm so sorry you had to go through that too - it sucks!
Love this topic! I struggle with the fact that I am very clear and consistent with my passions/interests, however I have found since my youth that my personality is unclear and inconsistent. Also inconsistent in career paths, and interest groups. So I know who my inner self is, but I don't translate it well into society.
Kelly Ann you will always be beautiful and amazing at what you do no matter how old you get
I paid the water bill last week and I had the same reaction. Still waiting to feel like an adult and I will be 40 this month 😅
🤣 Hehe, yeah at this point I am pretty sure it will not go away - thank you for confirming, hehe! I will always feel like I am 'dressing up' as an adult. It's kind of refreshing to get to this age and realise loads of people feel this way all the time. It's totally contradictory to how I viewed adults before I was one! x
I feel like when you have done extensive therapy and self study for your own mental health issues that you are an expert on the material and sharing your experiences , learning , growth, and healing helps so many people. And I resonate with so much of what you are talking about
I really relate to the old shame of people finding out about my witchdom and, especially this, believing i'm unintelligent. Especially here in Sweden, the culture and notion of witches, pagans, those who believe in asatro etc.. it's a very hammered in specific connotation of "loser", "unintelligent" and just.. kinda pathetic, silly, dumb? And that is what still keeps me from being 100% open about it. I have, and have had, a lot of shame and selfhate during my 33 years and the one thing ive never ragged on or doubted is my intelligence, so admitting something openly that I know will make people think im a nimwit or smth feels really hard. Especially now that I am in the worst burnout/mental exhaustion of my life where i have around the clock brainfog, memory issues and losing words, having trouble forming sentences above a 3rd grade level (if even that), it's become even harder. Because the exhaustion makes me feel stupid. So i totally empathize and i hope i can shadow work myself through this too one day.
I'm Queer (lesbian) but I kink almost exclusively with men and because I'm not actively looking for romantic relationships (not a priority) I've had to make peace with being "functionally straight."
I've had some Queer folks tell me that women won't be interested because I only play with men so they think I'm not really gay and my response has been "if they'd assume things about someone's sexuality based on no interaction or understanding, they're not someone I'd want to date anyway."
I've always felt I didn't fit in the Queer community and the more I try and spend time in Queer spaces the more I realise they're not spaces I feel good. I consistantly feel that I'm not "doing gay right" or somehow letting the side down and being judged for it.
I'm sorry you experienced that with your accent. I'm from the Home Counties in the south of England so I have the Received Pronunciation accent. I'm from a Labour voting working class background (mum is a nursery nurse and my dad is a Persian immigrant and carpenter). I've also been called 'posh' because of my accent but I'm really not. Personally, I love all regional accents! I read an interesting Guardian article recently that suggested many middle class English people are embarrassed to admit they're middle class (they mean 'middle class' in the British sense of going to a private school, and their parents taking home large salaries). Instead these middle class people downplay their privilege and refer to themselves as working class. I don't know, but it's very English to hate ourselves 😂.
Oh these accent divides happen in the US too. I’m from the Midwest we’re our accent is very..idk “mild” let’s say. Newscasters and people who work in television are trained to speak very similarly because it’s easily understandable and more people can watch without there being a type of “language divide”.
I was taught to speak in “proper American English” which meant very little slang, no Ebonics (which is such a horrible name for the way inner city black people speak, but it’s actually it’s own language that kind of evolved from slave days and the way they’d code words to keep conversations away from the owners. Very fascinating), no southern accents (which is ridiculous bc I’m from Ohio and anywhere south of Cleveland you pretty much get a southern accent). But what’s funny is when you think of a midwestern accent, you’ll go to Minnesota, which is closer to Canada and you get alot of hard a’s, doncha know 😂
It’s wild and honestly pretty elitist and white supremacist if I think about it. I love accents and I have a very good ear for them.
Urgh the accent thing is definately a class thing. Im so sorry you had to experience this in such a sinister way. I hope you dont mind me saying but I love when you slip into Northern accent 🫂
I used to have a strong Essex (bordering australian because I was a soap addict 😄)accent growing up. I got embarrassed by it in my teens because I didnt want to be perceived as the dumb tacky Essex girl. Im not particularly academic but I had interests not shared with my peers. A lot of pressure from family too to be a certain way if I wanted to be respected. In the end I still didnt get the validation I wanted 😄
When your epic crone comes forward to take her place on the stage of your life she will SHINE under the lights and I will still sit with my tea and marvel at every word she says. I believe aging is a treasured gift and I will cherish your work no matter the age you are when you make it. Thank you for this video, it made me cry! much love x
Thank you for your vulnerability in this video 💓 I resonated with so much of your experience, not always the same types of challenges but I relate to the challenge of learning who we are amongst others. To see how life has shaped us and to now choose how we want to proceed. I especially related to what you were saying about feeling family love when we are in their approval!
Blessings 💗🌞✨️ and sending love
Happy Christmas\yuletide, you epic cherub you - hope you have a spankin time - big love going out to you lady 🎄🎄🎄
Baddiewinkle omg
There is a poem by a scouse housewife called The Class Game which speaks to bigoted views based on regional accents. The first part of your video reminded me of it.
My mum is from the midlands (working class), so I’m not really sure what’s that considered as far as North/south. It’s very sad that your step dad forced you to change your accent. I’m sorry that happened to you when you were little.
How interesting that your mum is from the Midlands. I ADORE Midlands accents. Yes, there is prejudice against them.. But they have been getting a lot more fucking respect since Peaky Blinders 😜 - too fucking right! 👏
Good morning Kelly.
Thank you
Language and identity are very closely interrelated, it's such an interesting topic. Lots of different facets have been explored in both the sociolinguistics and applied linguistics fields. I totally relate to the struggle of feeling and being considered "other" based on the accent or language used. And the propensity for using all the different accents/languages in my repertoire, I now call it the parrot in me 😝
Hello lovely Kelly Ann. I have been listening to you while decorating for Yule! So sad to hear you were forced to change the way you spoke as a child. I wish you were born in Norway where most dialects has a high status. I think this is because Norwegians are mostly decendants of farmers and fishers. The only nobility in our country are originally Danes of other Europeans . Yes, some dialects has a higher status, ( rural dialects with tradritions, or urban dialects) bur you are not expected to change the way you speak. Be who you are!!
YES! YES! I stand and applaud!!! This video is beautiful. I love watching your videos from years back, they are very important. Yes you are changing and time is sculpting you and it's AWESOME! Changing is living art and I can't wait to see you 20 and 30 years from now. Hell, I can't wait to see you a week from now. I love looking at me from the 80s and the 90s and NOW! I love looking like Vivian Munster! Wait, is it Lilian Munster!
❤️❤️❤️
I am, and have always since childhood, been pan-sexual, as was my late husband/life partner/soulmate; that identity has always been paramount for each of us (he’s probably still flying his queer flag out in the cosmos somewhere!😏🌈). We lived a life of free love, dedicated heart and soul-wise to each other, but sharing love and sex with others, sometimes together, sometimes separate. It was a life of total loveliness and bliss for us. The only struggle we had, and we shared it, was being perceived as a straight couple by those who didn’t know us. It fucking killed us to think that most people couldn’t/wouldn’t see us for who we were.
As a pansexual queer poc I'm finally coming to terms with the amount of cookware jokes I get from friends and family... real original guys
Are you a master debater? 🤭🤭 Loved this video.
Kelly Ann yur a super wisdomer
and dont despair on yur lack of degree in academia cus yu can explore the studies wen yu have the proper time. The right people can give yuu the guidence and the ideas that will propel yu to yur journee.
The world is yur education. Yu give so much with the way yu share yur gown.." at all tommorrows parties"
(nico song )🥰🍭🌈🍄🏵
Iive in a area where bisexual is looked down on and all my beliefs are looked down and I have to keep it all hid not out of shame but because of danger that is why we're moving out of state very soon and I can't wait I just want to be me with out feeling in danger.
If you watch Louis Therouxs interview with yungblud there’s such weirdness with him and his family, he says some stuff that was traumatic to him and his whole family is like wtf 😳🤷♀️ they’re all so confused like they have absolutely no clue what he’s on about and they do all speak better than he does, it is like he tries to push all that stuff and he also tries to push not taking mental health medication and stuff which is so dangerous and I really went off him from that, I think he really needs some help.
If Maxine Peake can have a Manchester accent then so can I :) xx
🥰🥰🥰
I just moved to Kent :)
100% with you re beauty and ageing in contemporary western world. It's such a disgrace that wisdom and its silver hair has been relegated to a tiny corner of the room, particularly for women. No wonder everything's out of whack
I will be 62 in January and I still don’t feel like an adult. It doesn’t go away… haha.
Wow Can we claim you as bein a Scouser then? Id say we can 😄. ❤
I would love that but I'm actually a Sandgrounder. 😜 I got so used to saying 'near Liverpool' because when I say 'Southport' people say 'where the fuck is that?' or 'Is that near Southampton?' 😄
The Scouse accent is the most superior accent in the UK bar none. ❤️
@@kelly-annmaddox A Sandgrounder ! I Havent heard that fr years 🤣. Arh well thats near enough Southport😄.
I’d deffo have ro agree with you on the accent tho coz im bias 😄❤️.
@blyndzenyth2 Haha I love demonyms! I use them every chance I get, but when I was a kid I thought Sandgrounder was top banana! 😍😄
Yesss Scouse is so lush. You've done well in life to get that one. 👏
At 54 I still don’t really feel like an adult. I’m still the same goofy, magical kid that I have always been…who may never feel old enough for stilettos and red lipstick. I think my potty mouth formed as an attempt to show others that I was “grown” and I stopped coloring my hair when it started going white, probably for the same reason. Or maybe even to prove it to myself sometimes. But the fact is that I am the same girl who believes in signs, and loves synchronicities and coincidences and color and punk rock and Dr Martens and Scooby Doo! I still love escaping into books and music and hope that I never lose that young at heart spirit. 🤘🏼😘🫶🏼
Amen to ALL of this.
I'm only like 11 minutes in but omg, you unlocked some memories for me with your experience with your accent. I'm from the North East, sort of a weak geordie accent and I moved to South Africa with my grandparents when I was a kid. The whole time I was living with them I was trained to talk differently, to enunciate absolutely everything because they didn't want anyone to think I was scruffy or common! Even now I'm 27 and my accent interchanges, especially with my mood.
I’m so drawn to discussions about shadow work but I also find myself frustrated and envious too… I always go in thinking “maybe I’ll get a sense of what shadow work is like and what I’m supposed to do/feel/think about so I can find a place to start” but what invariably ends up happening is I get upset thinking how other people know who they are and I’m just this empty shell who can’t answer the most basic of questions about herself. Even in therapy, she asks me what seem like very simple questions that I’m sure everyone else in the world can answer, and my mind is just blank. If I used to be someone I’ve forgotten who she is. I think she used to enjoy things. I think she used to feel things. But the person walking around now can’t seem to find a happy middle between panic attack and heavily medicated and I don’t seem to be able to be STILL long enough to think about myself.
Im surprised I managed to write all that, honestly. That’s almost me focusing on me for a bit. Sigh. Im so tired. More therapy, I guess.