Konstantina 09 two totally different times they grew up. But sadly even now, interracial adoptions are looked at as strange. My best friend was adopted by a white couple and she’s mostly Mexican with a bit of Italian. And she never really faced adversities or people looking at her parents strangely. But a family friend who is white adopted a little girl 18yrs ago who happens to be black....and even to this day when she out in public with her she’ll get odd looks. It’s insane how we can accept people loving who they love, but we can’t accept the idea of interracial adoptions or families in general
Young vs old adoptee, yes, but also there is a difference between their conditions due to their different races, which would have affected their childhood.
Yeah, imo it would've been a bit cooler to compare two people who were mostly similar except for age so the experiences are more comparable. Like, how would this go if it was looking at a young asian adoptee today?
Agreed. I think it would have been a more effective comparison if they were both Chinese adoptees, because then we could have seen how international Chinese adoption has changed. For those two people, it seemed like apples to oranges.
True there are big differences due to being a transracial adoptee. But they can't find a perfect comparison. And there is I think crossover between the rules of adoption at the time she was adopted and the alienation from her cultural and ethnic heritage, largely related to the practice of abandonment and closed adoptions. If we'd had two people of similar experiences we may not have gotten to touch on as many issues, whether that was because transracial adoption never got addressed, or because it became the major topic of each answer.
This was very interesting to watch as adoptee from foster care. My experience was similar but also different. I was never given up, I was taken away because I was not kept safe. I think people tend to forget that not all children are given up to have a better life but are in fact removed.
My little sister is adopted, and her mother knocked her down the stairs during an arguement with her father (she stole his mothers ashes and dumped them in an unknown location) when the police arrived she attacked them and got tased, classy lady that one, we also briefly fostered a little 1 and a half year old girl until her grandparents could take her in, that little girl had rickets
Children are usually removed from their family as a last result because they are in danger. Children suffering from abuse and neglect know nothing different and are usually attached to their abusers because that is all they know and who they know. They are Children and usually have no real perspective on good parenting or what actually being loved and cared for looks like. Drug addicts, alcoholics and any type of abuser do not make good parents. Living in a constant state of fear and terror is no way for any child to live. Trust me I have seen it first hand.
There is also so much myth, stigma, and misinformation. People have no clue. We need more TH-cam channels that talk about this, more blogs that answer questions. We need to find a way to change the culture of adoption for the benefit of the child.
We're working to adopt, and specifically want have an open adoption. Is there anything we should do to help a kiddo feel comfortable talking about the negative feelings they might have about adoption? I hope asking is ok - you don't have to answer.
@@tabeechey depends on the age of adoption. If you adopt a newborn or toddler, make it part of your normal conversation. Tell them their own story (age appropriate) regularly, practicing telling it when they are too young to fully understand will not only give you experience telling them, but will help you be ready for answering questions as they get older. They should grow up knowing their own story and knowing it in such a way that if feels normal. Never hide things from them, if they ask a tough question, answer it. Make sure they know that it is always open for discussion and that you will always answer any question they have. Open adoption is unique because it relies entirely on whatever relationship you build between you and the birth parents. There is no script there. You might have a birth mother who disappears for a while because she is hurting and needs time away (in which case, build her a book or box of memories so that if she ever reconnects you can gift it to her). Some want to be like an aunt, some have a bit of boundary issues. It's up to you to keep communication open and make sure that she (and birth dad), know that they are welcome in your lives. Make sure your child knows this as well, again, open communication with your child. Having an open adoption is a very different relationship, but it can be so rewarding. I hope this helps and good luck!
@@frijofrojsdeern9545 this a mistake that is often made when people first learn about open adoption. It is not co-parenting and there is no confusion on who is the parent. My daughter's adoption was open and she knows me as mom and her birth mom is referred to as "aunt" (by her request). Not all open adoptions are as close as ours, but we found that we liked each other and each other's family and so chose to remain close. This is not the case for a lot of families. Closed adoption may be a preference for adopting parents because of their own insecurities, but in the long run it is best for the child to remain open (or even semi-open). It can be damaging to the child to not know where they came from or what their personal story is. Being able to make contact or even growing up knowing their birth parent helps them to grow up knowing their story and having someone who can answer questions. It has never felt like foster care. There is zero chance of her being taken away and if there were any issues with her birth family, the parent's decision would be law. I made this decision after talking to A LOT of people, I encourage you to do the same. The internet is not going to give you the information you need to make a truly informed decision. Good luck.
@@frijofrojsdeern9545 I apologize if I was not clear in my writing. I was trying to say that the "mistake" was not actually knowing what an open adoption was, how it works, or what it entails. I certainly didn't know before I began the process. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear, it was never my intention to cause harm or to appear dismissive. Children who have been raised in a closed adoption are, naturally, going to have a different world view, and view of their birth parents, than children raised in an open adoption. I personally, don't like the idea of all or nothing when it comes to raising a child. I think there is more than enough love to go around and that it is good for a child to grow up knowing that they are loved by their family, birth or adopted. My daughter's birth mother was not in a position that she could give kiddo the life she wanted her to have, so she entrusted that responsibility to me. It's a very hard, very painful decision to make, and for her, she is reassured that she made the right decision because she can see kiddo growing up happy and healthy. Kiddo benefits because she gets to have a relationship with her birth mom and she gets to have a relationship with her bio cousins. I benefit because I have a wonderful, unique family. They have babysat, helped us move, and been there for major milestones. There is no jealousy and I am considered a member of the family. Again, this is not typical of every open adoption, every relationship is different. This is merely the relationship we created and works for us. I use it as an example, not just because it is the one I know best, but because it shows that it is a good situation. Closed adoption means that if the child ever wants to make contact with their birth family, it will be a very hard, expensive, and troubling journey. The adopting family have no medical history, no one to ask questions, and no answers for their child regarding where they come from. Semi-open is halfway between the two. I'm not saying 1 is better than all the rest. I am merely saying that it should be thoroughly researched before a single one is rejected. Again, sorry for any miscommunication.
Old black activist meets young black activist. That would be nice for black history month. There’s a lot we still need to do but I’d like to see what they share.
@@Tori-vz5er As a woman born in the 50s I want it known that this would have been weird when I was a child. This experience says much more about her parents and the society she grew up in than the era.
@@Tori-vz5er Then it really says more about the segment of society she and your parents grew up in. I grew up in Montreal. There were few Asian immigrants then but many native inhabitants. Mohawk Indians with different skin colour than most Europeans, especially from the north. My fifties experience must have been more "international."
@@westnilesnipes Yes and no. People are curious and don't know any better so you can't really hate on them for what is an intense new experience. And the only time she was 'hit on' was in certain areas where men try to canvas women for Hostess Bars, but that' a common thing in some large city pedestrian crossings. I'm 6'4 so I also stuck out while I was in Japan but our experience(s) of being the object of curiosity overall were very positive (although I was never hit on ;-) ).
Richie Erueti Interesting perspective. I’ve had a few white friends here in China who have faced similar situations. I guess it just depends on the interaction and how you choose to react to it.
WestNileSnipes it was the 50s/60s completely different time. My mom is the same age as this woman, grew up in a predominately Italian neighbor and the first time she ever saw a person of color she was about 4yrs old and asked him “who colored you” to a child it’s a completely harmless and innocent question, but as adults we are naturally horrified because it isn’t a harmless question. The best we can do now is educate our children the proper ways to react when seeing people different than us
The guy was lovely and it is so wonderful that he wants to adopt too, helping his future child through all the different experiences they will have as someone who has gone through it too. His future child will be so lucky and loved.
Every adoptee's experience is different. My parents adopted me at birth (in a not-entirely-legal manner) and didn't keep my adoption a secret from me. I always felt it was perfectly normal. My birth mother and I were reunited 20 years ago, and I've since met my birth father and his family. My adopted parents both passed in the 2000's. My birth families have been a blessing -- like I was gifted two more families that I never knew about. I've been very fortunate. If you are on the fence about seeking out your birth parents, I strongly encourage it as a risk worth taking.
Thought I would give my story here, since from reading the comments I appear to be more unusual than I had previously thought. I was adopted, from birth, and so were my two sisters. All of our birth mothers had issues that made them unfit to parent us and all of them made the decision on their own to put us up for adoption. They all had a relationship with my (adoptive) mom, who couldn't have children. The reason I feel unusual is, I don't really have a desire to meet my birth mother. I don't think of her as anything other than a genetic donor in essence. My parents raised me, and they did a great job. They told me I was adopted from a young age, so young that I can't remember ever not knowing. And I have never, ever, ever felt abandoned. Quite the contrary. I feel so blessed to have been wanted by my adopted parents so much that they flew from Alaska to Washington to be there for my birth, stayed in the hospital all night and were almost as tired as my birth mother by the end of it. They named me, clothed me, fed me, taught me to walk and talk, mom made cakes for me every year on my birthday and my dad played fun games with me. They sang to me, put me through school, and loved me with everything they have. How could they be anything other than my parents? How could I feel that something is missing? This is how I, personally, feel about my own adoption experience. Until other people bring the topic up I don't even think about being adopted. It's the same to me as being born into your family is for anyone else.
I was adopted at 6 weeks old and was told I was adopted for the longest. I agree with you 100%. During my teenage angst years I felt like I had been abandoned by my birth parents but I soon came to realize I wasn't. I'm very grateful I wasn't put in a trashcan or left in a parking lot. She cared enough to have me in a safe hospital so I could have proper medical care and sign over her rights. Thankfully I was adopted by some wonderful people who raised me with all the love in the world. I'll also add - being a teacher- I see plenty of children who weren't given up for adoption being tyrants as I do children who were adopted. These two individuals seem to be normal and I'd gave no idea they were adopted proberly if no one told me. People are people. Sorry for being all over the place but thank you for your comment!
I felt the same way...then for Christmas 2005 my mother gave me the final petition for adoption which listed my birthname. Long story short both birth parents died prior to my search...I was 31 when my b mother passed. Seeing familiar eyes for the first is hard to explain. Now at 55 I wish I'd looked sooner.
Kind of shatters the idea of a multi-ethnic society being a thing thats doable if she's so profoundly affected by the idea of being a minority despite culturally being 100% British. I understand she grew up in a less tolerant time and its affected her but not wanting to adopt and only adopting someone of her race kind of raises more questions than anything. Surely at some point you have to be at peace with being different but also knowing you're British due to culture and openly identifying as such, especially being in such a tolerant country as the UK must make it easier.
@@scarletcrusade77 being a POC, you get hit with a understanding how race is a big part of ones identity. Having mixed raced families can be challenging and not everyone can raise such a family well. I don't see it really as problematic if that's her stance on adopting, rather it's understandable because of the pain she probably went through. Times are different now, but that doesn't mean the identity problems with race isn't gone for minorities. Feeling like you don't belong just because of the way you are born sucks, and just because you're culturally raised in something doesn't mean you automatically feel like you belong.
@@TsunamicBlaze Again I always look the the arguments given here are always in the frame of "Non white person inside a white country." always. Whites globally are a minority, lets keep this fact in mind. Also 'POC' is again this PC label only used in white countries, actual non whites never call themselves a 'person of color' since what does that even imply? Whites have no color and everyone else has color?Just kind of seems to stress the difference and create more barriers between the races by giving them special labels and attaching stigma/social ideas around said labels. Anyway to your argument I don't really get what the solution is? People go on about progressive policy on race relations etc. but it seems as hard as (white people/nations) try it never seems to fully be enough for Non whites in those countries despite them being culturally assimilated. What does this basically tell us without saying it out loud? It concedes that race really will always be a separation factor, it defacto concedes a multi-ethnic/racial society will never be this mixing pot of racial harmony with 100% happiness among all peoples. There's always going to be 1 group whom isn't fully happy. And from what i can gather the remedy to make these groups happier ironically seems to be segregation within that society in which minorities of that race have their own separate spaces and all sorts of special separate things basically X racial enclaves in society to remove that feeling of being a minority or increases the population of non white people to again off set the idea of them being different as there's more of them in said nation? Again all these solutions awkwardly seem to have whites at the butt end of it all. They lose either way in some capacity. Make everyone else happy? Concede, power, demographics share of the population, media space, culture etc. basically re-write the whole nation to be less white seems to be the unspoken answer all in an attempt to make others feel a certain way. Honestly this basically seems like the path you're going down in how to remedy it. The multi-racial experiment currently going on now in many (almost all exclusively in white nations) nations seems to have similar issues you've raised up. And again the solution always seems to be what i've mentioned above ^. Which again has the majority losing one way or another. Its almost funny how literally every other people group/ nation outside of white ones literally will either force via the state or societal pressure these minority groups to conform to their will or get cast aside. It really is such a stark difference in approaches. China would never ever change its culture to make a minority population feel less of a certain way, they'd force said population to conform culturally to the will of the majority. Which its kind of been the approach for all of history. Only now do we see this odd experimenting which white majority countries are bending over backwards to change for their minorities.
The adoption experience for most birthmothers leaves a large emotional scar. According to the authors of "The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of Sealed Records on Adoptees, Birthparents and Adoptive Parents," most birthmothers expressed feelings of loss, pain and mourning that remained undimmed with time (Sorosky). A University of California, at Los Angeles, psychiatrist and author, Arthur Sorosky, M.D., likened the emotional scarring from surrendering a child to a psychological amputation (Sorosky). "Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE "Adoption practice works on the premise that, in order to save the child, one must first destroy its mother." - Dian Wellfare, founder of Origins Inc.
Thank you for sharing this; I am also an ethnically chinese adoptee raised by british parents, and there is a strange sense of grief that is difficult to even begin to comprehend when you are a child and you must feel grateful to your adoptive parents. Grief not only for family you will never meet but, in cases of cross-cultural/cross-racial adoption, grief for an entire culture to which you will always be an outsider. Of course we are usually grateful to and love our adoptive parents; they are our parents. However, there are some ways in which they are unable to replace what they took from us. My parents did their best but they just do not understand the deficiency that comes with being a cross-racial adopter. My parents think that having adopted a chinese child makes them some sort of post-racial saints. My dad frequently uses us (my sisters and I) as props to show that he's not racist; he told the judge in an employee discrimination lawsuit that he couldn't possibly have discriminated against a black employee because he has asian daughters (cringe).
Is there any difference between children in a closed adoption versus an open adoption? My daughter is adopted and it's an open adoption. She has a relationship with her birth mother and her biological family. She knows her aunts and uncles and her cousins. She is still very young, but it is our intention to continue in this way and be sure that she has this connection and open communication. Although she has never said it, I know how much birth mom loves our girl and I know it hurt her to make that decision. I often feel pressure (from myself) to be a "perfect" mother because I don't want to let her birth family down. I want to be worthy of this amazing child and the honor of raising her.
@@Vierotchka I wonder how they pull that off considering how difficult it is to terminate birth parents' right through the court in order for the child to be eligible for adoption. Granted, I don't know if this varies between states. For my daughter, it took just shy of 2 years to terminate the birth father's rights. The agency ended up having to hire a PI in order to track him down. The man they found claimed ignorance, so we will never know. Even after that, the court still ordered that we had to publish in the newspapers to try to locate him. Every effort was taken to find him. This was all ordered by the court and we could not legally move forward until the judge had been satisfied that we had done everything in our power to locate him. I have a couple friends who have adopted through foster care and they had just as much effort put into the process. I'm not saying you are wrong (especially international adoption and adoption in the past), I'm just curious.
@@SuperMrsMar sites.google.com/site/birthmotherresearchproject/ adoptingback.com/ "Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE adoptionhealing.com/ginni.html Excerpt (the second part in the above link, but the first part is also very important. At the bottom of the page there are three links: Adoptee Section, Birthmothers Section and References Section) : In 1982, Edward Rynearson, Ph.D. described the experience of twenty of his adult patients who, as teenagers, surrendered their first child to adoption. "Nineteen of them established an intense private monologue with the fetus (during pregnancy), including a rescue fantasy in which they and the newborn infant could somehow be "saved" from the relinquishment" (Chesler). The pressure upon these mothers was one they could not stop. Sixty-nine percent of 334 birthmothers surveyed felt they were pressured into surrendering (Deykin). Another study reports forty-four percent of 350 birthmothers surveyed surrendered against their will. The study revealed the reasons for surrender centered around being single, poverty, young age, and parental pressure (VanKeppel). Some birthmothers told me they were shipped off to a home for unwed mothers, and told not to come home until they rid of the problem. For them there was no choice; they had no where to go. The adoption experience for most birthmothers leaves a large emotional scar. According to the authors of "The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of Sealed Records on Adoptees, Birthparents and Adoptive Parents," most birthmothers expressed feelings of loss, pain and mourning that remained undimmed with time (Sorosky). A University of California, at Los Angeles, psychiatrist and author, Arthur Sorosky, M.D., likened the emotional scarring from surrendering a child to a psychological amputation (Sorosky). The pain of the experience was hard to bear. As time went by the pain did not diminish, it increased. Robin Winkler, Ph.D. of the Institute for Family Studies, Melbourne, Victoria, reports that ninety percent of birthmothers surveyed felt deeply harmed by the adoption and the pain increased with time (BIRCO-Winkler). Drs. Harriet Ganson and Judith Cook found, "Birthmothers expressed deep anguish over adoption" (BIRCO-Ganson). Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D., who has studied birthmothers for twenty years, on behalf of Mary Beth Whitehead testified that ninety-five percent of the women she has studied found their loss shattering and worse than they imagined (Chesler). The effect of the pain felt by birthmothers manifests itself in many ways. Sorosky tells us that most birthmothers do not enter psychotherapy because they surrendered a child; they push that experience to the subconscious. However, it often surfaces as the key to their inability to cope (Sorosky). Birthmothers seek therapy for numerous reasons: Kaiser-Permanente Health Care conducted a study in 1979 of birthmothers who surrendered babies. Forty percent reported depression as the most common emotional disorder. Sixty percent reported medical, sexual and psychiatric problems. (BIRCO-Kaiser) In another study 20 of 22 birthmothers sought psychotherapy for problems including depression alienation, physical complaints with no biological basis, sexual difficulties and difficulty making commitments (Millen). Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D., interviewed fifty birthmothers and found many were not aware until years later they were grieving. "They all reported a sense of malaise. Still other birthmothers become weepy, restless, anxious and forgetful" (Silverman). Birthmothers were not prepared for the aftermath of the surrender. They were told by the adoption professionals involved that it would be over soon; they would forget the experience; go on with their life and have more children. It worked that way for very few, if any. In the thousands of reunions I am aware of, there is only one birthmother who does not remember the experience. That one was in an accident, resulting in full amnesia of all personal history before the accident. In time birthmothers do go on with the day-to-day tasks, but it proved impossible for most to pick-up where they left off before becoming pregnant. In Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D., describes what birthmothers were told. "The social worker said it would hurt for a while, and then they would forget, as if they had experienced nothing more serious than a nine-month stomach ache. They found they could not go back to the life they had left behind because they had become different people in the process of becoming mothers" (Lifton). Carole J. Anderson, M.S.W., J.D., in her booklet, Eternal Abuse of Women: Adoption Abuse, explains this in another way. "Adoption is not the end of a painful chapter, but the beginning of a lifetime of wondering, worrying, and missing the child. It is a wound that time cannot heal...it is a limbo loss" (Anderson). A limbo loss is what the families of MIA (missing in action) soldiers experience. There is no finality; not to know whether the loved one is alive or dead. Always waiting and hoping he or she will be found. True some birthmothers did marry, and have other children. However, according to research, far too many did not have another child, 20 to 30% by choice (Anderson, Deykin), and others suffered a secondary infertility rate 170% higher than the general population (Deykin). Ninety-six percent of birthmothers want a reunion (Ganson, Deykin).
I love that you said "adopted mother" instead of adoptive mother. (no pasive-agressive grammar nazi here, I truly think that it sounds really sweet. We often forget tht the kid needs to adopt theparent as much as the parent needs to adopt the kid for this to work)
My husband and I adopted a newborn 17 yrs ago. Our daughter’s birth mother asked us to be with her during the birth and even had my husband cut the cord. Our open adoption experience has been so good. Our daughter met her birth mother, full and half siblings and grandmother a few yrs ago. She said she finally felt complete and that the meeting made her appreciate what was done for her even more. I know not everyone is as fortunate as we were. I do hope the woman finds the peace she desires and that the young man one day does adopt.
Birth mother here. I gave my son to a wonderful family 18 1/2 years ago. Basically a closed adoption thru my church. This video was very compelling to me. I don't have any contact with my son as per the terms, but I don't think I'm ready to meet him anyway. I know that might sound negative on my part, but I still hold a great amount of shame and failure for placing him and even regret. I don't want him to have to feel that has anything to do with him. I don't regret having him. I just don't know if I did the right thing as much as I used to. I'm a poor loser too. Nobody can be proud of that. I hope he's having the perfect life I envisioned he would. I Love you Logan Joshua, where and whoever you are!
Please register your dna at AncestryDNA, in case your child searches for you. Knowing you regret it might be important for them to know, talking to you may be healing for both of you. Good luck to you.
Yoshi Lee thats not really an excuse to go meet. Family is not always blood, and I would be fine not meeting my birth parents if any of them (or myself) were to be dead the next day.
Adoptee here. I've known my biological mother for several years and know firsthand how difficult a life she's had. She gave me up because she wasn't ready or prepared to have me at that point in her life. She is redeemed a thousand times over in my eyes and in my heart. Everyone's situation is different, but as someone who was given an amazing life thanks to the decision of my bio mom to give me up, I beg you to give yourself compassion for the decision you made.
@@ejfredendall Thank you for your support and I can tell you the decision your birth mother and I have made "haunt" us from that moment on. Hearing your encouraging words does my weary heart some good though. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
@@kyleeconrad hey Kylee, just saw your comment and wanted to share some love ❤️ that’s me in the video, I was adopted through the church too. I think both my birth Mother and my adoptive parents felt that there was safety in the church, in some way. But I just wanted to say hello anyway, and I hear you. It’s nice to feel understood and while I haven’t lived your experience, it resonates. I hope you find each other & peace ✌🏼 it brought me loads to finally connect with my family x
I grew up with a girl that got pregnant in her mid teens. By 25 she had 5 kids, no husband and lived off public assistance. Instead of using the assistance to do her best to raise her children, she wallowed in regrets, she became an alcoholic. I started calling child services when I saw her screaming cuss words into the face of a child that hadn't even learned to talk yet. 2 years later, when CHS took her kids, she stopped talking to me. I was ok with that. I was finding too many fist shaped bruises on those kids for her to be my priority. She was too selfish to give her children to someone that had the means to take care of them when they were born. To show them love. To care for them with kindness. She had to mess their heads and hearts up first. As kids and teens, I remember her mom beating her and is talking about how she was going to be a better parent. Her moms house was clean. Her moms house had food. She grew into being a much worse parent. Her children paid the cost. Everytime I see or hear about one of them they are struggling. Alcohol, drugs, jail they didn't really have a chance for better. If I had a time machine I would go back and have my 15 year old self beat the hell out of her 15 year old self. They all could have had better lives. Selfishness destroys. If you are an adopted child, know that your momma didn't give you up because she didn't love you. She gave you up because she loved you more than herself. She was willing to sacrifice your unconditional love so you would have what she couldn't give.
You have no idea what was going on with the mother you described. It's self proclaimed saviors like yourself who destroy people and perpetuate problems.
@@Dizziedee18 for you, a complete stranger, that has never met either myself, nor the person I'm speaking of, to say that I have no idea what was going on, is pretty rich. You have even less information, yet you feel the need to post your uninformed opinion. I was with this woman all day, everyday before the alcohol. I was closer to her than my own siblings. And you bet your ass I tried to save her. She was my friend. That's what you do. She was an adult though, the choice was hers. No matter how flawed. Those kids didn't have a choice. Are you suggesting I should have just stepped over their suffering and ignored it? Ignored the fact there was no food, clean clothes, diapers, etc.? How about I just left those kids alone to die? You stated your view. Mine is those that remain silent in the face of child abuse are worse than the abuser.
@@VeeShay1 Thank you V.S. I couldn't have given a better reply myself because LambentLark statements were too close to home. For some reason people think that because a child hits a certain age (Lets say 18 or 21) they are somehow now an adult and are then equipped or bestowed this magical give of knowledge and ability. 17 you can't blame them. But at 18 they are an adult and know better. Thats not how life works. Showing someone else self sacrifice, love and compassion is too hard. Its much easier to call upon a system people know nothing about and wish one had a magical time machine to beat the crap out of someone who most likely is a victim themselves. Then the person who did nothing but potentially made a situation worse walks around as a self proclaim hero. I bet this guy has no idea what type of life those children are living right now. Yet he/she believes he/she is better than the mom. When in actuality there is a level of abandonment on their part as well.
@@VeeShay1 Knowing everything I know now, with the gift of hind sight, it was the right decision. Given the same circumstances i would make the same choice again. It wasn't something I did without a lot of sleepless nights and thinking through the consequences. Sometimes bad, is bad. You can only help others so much. It was only a matter of time til it was going to cost a life. I even took the classes to be a foster parent. The kids (and I) got lucky, there was a multi kid family open. Her kids were kept together for the most part. (One made a decision to do something different.) Honestly I did everything I could. It got to the point my family was paying the consequences for her bad choices. You can't save others if you're drowning and she was starting to take us with her. I did what I could to mitigate what I was able to. I have come to accept asking more, is a unreasonable expectation.
@@LambentLark I totally hear what you are saying. So glad your decision was not random and haphazard. Since you did try to help however you could and the parent was not taking responsibility for her children unfortunately other actions have to be taken at some point. I am just really glad to hear that the path you took was not a careless one. Daily, the paths of other people's lives change course due to decisions made by others.
This was lovely, thank you. Very insightful and I'm glad there is more support now. I've met adopted kids, forever orphans and had friends abandoned by their mothers with new step mothers. It was never a happy situation. Glad to see a positive scenario.
I love Jamie Bennett’s positive attitude and mentality. He’s got an awesome aurora! He too has been through difficult times but reflects a tonne of positivity. Would love to see him more! ❤️
I'm a black young woman and I got adopted as a baby by a German family. It's the best and I am the happiest ever but the one thing that I feel too is that I'm the special one in my surrounding, I am always the only black person and just because of that I stand out. I visited a Burna Boy concert a few months back and it was so freeing not to stand out, not to be seen.
I gave birth when I was 16, couldn’t keep the baby. I did not realise I was pregnant. I’ve got PTSD for 10 years now, but I hope that my son is doing good with his loving parents. This video bring me to tears..
As an adoptee from an "ideal adoption" (placed at birth through one of the top agencies in the nation) let me just say that the adoption industry is beyond corrupt and could care less about adoptees or birthmothers as they are only viewed as the product and producer. The only thing they care about is making an disgusting amount of money from their consumer by preying on their infertility issues. There is also very little legal protection for adoptees after being adopted either as their adoptive parents can legally choose to re-home them in ways that we won't even let pets be re-homed. There are entire Facebook groups dedicated selling adoptive children because they are not conforming to their buyers needs or a bio child doesn't like them so they need to be out by the end of the week. Even those of use that grew up in "perfect" homes can never escape the trauma of our abandonment. As for the statistics about how adult adoptees function in society its pretty clear how the trauma can last a lifetime. Adoptees are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than a non-adoptee. 12 to 14 percent of adopted children in the United States between the ages of 8 and 18 are diagnosed with a mental health disorder each year, and adopted children are almost twice as likely as children brought up with their biological parents to suffer from mood disorders like anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues. While there are no true statistics out yet on the issue there has been a noticeable increased risk of drug and alcohol abuse in adult adoptees. This topic is now being researched after a rehab facility in Florida realized that over half of their patients were adopted. There also seems to be an increase of cases of adoptees being sexually abused by a family member. Two high profile cases in the past year of adoptive fathers sexually abusing their daughters. Only one these "fathers" was a pastor and his town tried to defend him because he was an "outstanding member of society". Adult adoptees also have less rights than the average American citizen as we can be refused access to our original birth certificate depending on what State you were born in. We are denied the right to our heritage, family medical history and a biological connection. Which all might be something that doesn't matter to many but I assure it becomes very important when you don't have it at all.
Angela Jacobs my father is adopted. And although he has none of the aforementioned issues except I think abandonment. He is a very happy adult. But recently he opened his end of the adoption and was hoping to find his birth mom. He can not get his brith certificate and that is very frustrating. I think that is definitely a right that is denied. He did a heritage test and found a “cousin” who we believe is his half brother. We wish we could prove it further but he can’t get his brith certificate even though the birth mom is deceased. I do believe that adoption is preferable to abortion as that negatively emotionally and physically hurts the mother and kills a life. So even though the system is flawed it is better than that IMO.
That’s a matter of chicken vs egg. You can’t prove that the *adoption* causes the increased rate of suicide until you have a study that tracks the suicide rates of people whose parents *thought* about adoption, but didn’t follow through. IE similar birth parent circumstances.
@@ThunderStruck15 wait but what does having similar birth parent circumstances have to do with suicide in people who never knew their birth parents???? likely in those cases where they thought about it, something changed about their circumstances. not always of course. most suicide studies on adoptees relate to the circumstances in their environment that they grew up in, aka their adoptive families, and the biological factors that manifest in personality and suicidality. unless you meant to refer to those heritable factors in nonadopted people?? studies have shown though that psychological trauma unique to relinquishment by the bio parent elevate the suicidal tendencies of adopted people. similarly with intervention by foster care and other child welfare services. so, if at any time those children experienced some kind of interventions in the potentiality of an adoption, then that would affect them in some way. but for infant adoptions, ruminating about whether their birth parents lives affected the suicide risk of their nonexistent children is strange to me.
@@kurapikakurta3863 i did hear about something like that before, but i guess i never looked into it deeper. thanks for reminding me. Interestingly enough, i am working with kids right now, some of them having experienced trauma and have learned in various trainings that childhood trauma starts in the womb. the idea of intergenerational trauma being passed on to adopted children might be part of that. as a korean adoptee, i wonder if the korean war and any other serious conflicts/struggles like the 1997 korean recession (the year i was born) have affected my risk of depression and anxiety (which i have been receiving treatment for). i just found that persons reply strange because they emphasized "thinking" about adoption but not actually going through with it which i dont understand how that would matter considering there are still valid studies that look at the risk of suicide in adopted people unrelated to genetic trauma and more related to their relinquishment circumstances and adoptive family environment. adoptees and nonadoptees are fundamentally different. trauma comes from anywhere, but the trauma of adoption is real, and it exists only in circumstances of completed adoption, or active movement of a child out of their natural parents arms and into someone elses. if we want to look at risk of korean adoptees with single birth mothers and risk of korean children with single mothers, then we could. but that would not be a very relevant comparison. their upbringings are 100 percent different. of course the risk would be too. your study example is very important though. and i do acknowledge the relevance of it. but the person i replied to shouldve worded their comment differently.
when i was adopted i was lucky enough to a) grow up knowing i was adopted b) be surrounded as much as possible with my culture and encouraged to learn about it and even find my birth parents in the future c) grow up with adopted sisters from the same country, so it's not just 1 asian kid in a whole white town d) when i was younger, everyone around me being educated in adoption and not seeing me differently and obviously having great parents
Hi! 🤗 this is so random I’m sorry but I read your comment and I wanted to ask if I could ask you a few things about adoption? (Just like your opinion on some things) you seem to be an ARMY too so I guess That’s also why I wanted to reach out 🙈 if you don’t want to, though, no problem! 🤗 have a great day🌸
This is so interesting. I was in an open adoption my great aunt and great uncle adopted me from their niece. I grew up seeing my sisters and birth mom. I always knew I was adopted. I became aware of being adopted at about 5 when I went to school and realized that other kids live with their siblings.
Anyone that’s adopted that’s reading this, I was fostered at 12 days old by my family, my birth parents were junkies and I came out underweight and undersized and had a speech impediment growing up which took me 8 years of speech class to learn how to say r words. The family that fostered me fully adopted me when I was 2 years old. I’m 23 now,. Anyone that is adopted and hasn’t looked for your birth parents, trust me, you will. I did when I was 18 and my parents finally gave me the names, because you will never stop wondering. You might be disappointed like I was or maybe not, but it answers questions you will never figure out otherwise. anyone that’s adopted and found out as a young age as I did, it is so hard growing up knowing that. This episode hits deep
And also adding to this, I didn’t have any adult advice when I found out at 7 and it was hard. Trying to figure out why someone would give you up and all of the negatives. If you’re a parent planning to adopt and you read this, please, hide it from your kid until he is ready to handle it or if not whenever you tell him or her please be there to help and guide them because it is painful alone when you’re adopted
I never had the desire to connect with birth parents. I respect that other adopted people have the desire, but there's plenty of us who have 0 :) this assumption that everybody will do the search sounds the same as people telling a woman that all women will eventually want biological children. In truth, everyone is different.
@@backflipbryan1263 omg waiting to tell a kid they were adopted is the worst possible thing. It's known now that your supposed to raise children knowing from the start to avoid a traumatic experience later on. I'm so sorry that happened to you :(
@@backflipbryan1263 sorry that your experience was horrible....but not telling an adoptee their truth from the outset is just wrong. I cant think of a time I didnt know I was adopted.....it shouldnt be some sort of revelation that is dropped on you one day, it should be part of the tapestry of your life story, woven in from the day you come home.
@@backflipbryan1263 i see your point but as an adoptee myself i view it as if my biological progenitors did not wanted me and cuz of that i can get a better life not suffering with them and being comfortable in my home, why would i search for them? They didn't want me and i don't need them anyway im happy like this now
The part about her mother bringing her to show and tell reminds me of a story my mother told me once. She was adopted too, and was a First Nations (Native American) child adopted by white people. Her mother used to get her to dress up in 'indian' clothes and called her "my little Pocahontas". This was probably around thirty or forty years ago now...
It may be cause I was close to my grandparents but, even though I can see/conform to modern sensitivities, I understand those actions as quite organic ways of embracing someone, sometimes more than treating those physical/cultural differences as sacred. My grandmother loved to call me "little gipsy" and talk about my curls (I´m not adopted, I just took after my mother side, which is dark, while my father side is nuclear white). My father got comments, jokes and nicknames based on his red hair all his life from those who loved him, because it was something exceptional and the family showed appreciation for him /normalized it that way. I understand why those actions are wrong in the public sphere, such as tv on the internet, where characterizing one person in one way actually influences how the public sees the entire group. But I think that we need to understand that, in the private sphere, where each one iseach one and the little fantasies we create are just family things, is different.
@@alicianieto2822 Yeah, I get that. I'm Filipino and as a kid I had very dark skin with tightly curled hair. I was often thought to be half-Black and my mom used to swear Black people were extra nice to her whenever I was around (though I think that was just Black people being nice lol). She and other family members would point out my skin and hair all the time in an endearing way, saying "the half-black girl". Only my grandma got annoyed at my dark coloring, which until now I kinda raise my brow at.
Thank you for this. I always mention how videos like this make me anticipate or understand what my son may go through I the future. I know every adoptee is different but all these perspectives matter. The only thing I disagree with is that not all birth parents cared about their child to place them in adoption. There are many selfish birth parents whom choose drugs, abused their child and so on. Both sides should be mentioned. This new notion of people thinking all bio parents were loving is not a safe umbrella for the child.
Despite being adopted, I looked enough like my adopted father to pass for his biological son. But I was told from a very early age what being adopted meant and I’m fortunate to say I was never mistreated because of it.
Being adopted was really tough emotionally. Only the last few years I’ve started to heal. I would definitely adopt a child. Be too weird to have my own dna in a child. I want to help others, that’s they’re not alone and I understand what they’re going been through. It maybe dark and painful but there’s light on the other side. We’re strong people.
This video really hit me right in the core. I was adopted when I was a baby. Found out that I was adopted when I was 19 when it was also the last days of my mother when fighting a loosing battle of cancer. People in the family tried to throw me hints all my life but I was genuinely thinking that I was not adopted. Once I knew, it hit me pretty hard. But I recovered from it sooner than I could've imagined and now made peace with it. I do not want to trace who my real parents are. The only problem I have about this is that, im unsure about the biological susceptibility of my daughter and myself when it comes to various diseases and conditions. Further elaborating, some people are more susceptible to various disease such as cancer or diabetes due to genetics. Wish I knew who my real parents were so that I could prepare myself and my daughter for the future. Am I weird for thinking this? Please feel free to comment.
My mother had done this adoption like thing for a jail/prison when I was like 10. A women she met there was pregnant and she decided to take her baby in. We took care of her for about 3-4 years until her mother got out of jail. Even though we are not super close nowadays, she is still like a cousin us. Then years later my mom did it again, and this time she stayed apart of our family and my sister ended up being her adopted mother because it made more sense. She knows and is 14 now, and she means as much to me as all my other nieces and nephews do. Even though they can all be pains in the butt sometimes! :D
My Husband and I gave our first daughter up for adoption due to severe heart defect as a result of my drug addiction. We changed our minds the night before the adoption was to happen, and spoke with our adoption attorney earlier that night. The last checkup before leaving home, her heart was discovered to be missing most of her left ventricle, and was thereby rushed to our pediatric hospital in our area. We could not even come close to affording the surgery required, but the adoptive parents worked for a local government faction, and this was a major factor in our decision in choosing them. It breaks my heart to think she might someday feel unloved. You are deeply loved, Emma. That's why we chose your family, because we knew we couldn't be there, someone had to be. You are loved and wanted! I'm just past 5 years sober now, with a 7 year old autistic child. They know each other, a little. I still wake up in the middle of the night afraid of that first phone call inquiring as to why. I can only hope my answer is satisfactory
This is was very moving up to the point where the woman said the bio mother made a choice by giving up instead of being selfish and keeping child. It hit hard because I have been on both sides, Iam adopted and my children were adopted all in horrible cases. My first case was with my twins and I was basically forced and it was horrible im still traumatized so are my adult children
We donated 19 embryos that were leftover after 3 rounds of IVF. They were split between two families, and unlike adoption, those are children born to that marriage, the donee mother and father are on the birth certificate, and unless they choose to tell, no one will know those are not their bio kids. But they're not, they are the full siblings to the two kids we were able to have, we are their bio parents. I was happy to help an infertile couple, that is a horrible pain, but I've often wondered if those kids will feel emotions similar to adoptees, if they're even told the truth. I hope not. I didn't donate them because I didn't want more kids, but because I wasn't physically able to go thru another pregnancy after my second, and I wanted them to have a chance at life in a loving family. If you're the result of a donated embryo, please know that your bio parents did that because they didn't want to destroy you, they wanted you to live and be happy, even if it couldn't be with them, for whatever reason.
OGSpaceCadet the truth will always come out at some point. I have watched a lot on embryos donation because I have thought about it. You just have to not be shocked if those children come looking for blood relatives. I personally still tell my children. I would be afraid that they would meet their blood siblings and have an attraction to them. I have heard of this happening and it scares me.
It should be made a legality to inform as the child will grow up with totally different genetics. What kind of terrible surprise if for example, you need a kidney to be told your family members aren't a match?
@ZowieFawn I mean hell it doesn't even need to be that removed from every day life. My grandmother divorced her abusive husband after he slapped her, my eldest aunt and my dad around one too many times, and went on to have another family. I only found this all out when a girl in the same high school year as me started to have a crush on me and her younger brother was good friends with my younger brother; my dad ended up having to tell us that they're actually related to us as we share a biological grandfather.
I would love to talk to an older person who has been adopted. I was adopted when I was in the 6th grade and am 22 now and I think I could benefit from the insight
Sorry but the comparison is quite unfair and unequal. While the title suggests the gap between them is generational, it is more cultural. A better “meeting” would have been between two non-white adoptees and comparing their experiences back then and now.
Yeah he couldn’t understand where she was coming from because he was able to blend in with his family. Also some people adopt children of other races as a fashion statement or a status symbol (Not all, but some do) and that can make an adoptees experience very negative.
To any body who was adopted does anyone know how to cope when the family that adopted you hated you cause they were different and treated tou differently from their blood child
Olympus productions I am so sorry that you were treated less than your adopted family’s biological child... As the sibling of an adopted sibling, that breaks my heart. Depending on your relationship with your adopted family, you could bring it up with them. Maybe phrasing it in terms of how specific actions affected you, “when you do/say X, it makes me feel Y,” could allow you to express it in a way they would be open to hearing? If you don’t feel comfortable/safe talking to your adopted family, you could try to find a group for adoptees either online or in your area. I also know that counseling has helped my sibling (and parents) work through some of the hard feelings, issues, and traumas that come with adoption so I would also definitely recommend that. Wishing you the best and cheering you on! You are valuable and worthy of love and care! 😊
@@emri4640 it doesnt matter now after bein beaten burned bones broken and bein homeless most,my life,im just trying to escape a town that only,brings,back bad,memories
I'm adopted. I don't want to find my bio parents. I always get the same questions as an adoptee. "How old were you when you were adopted?" "What kind of Asian are you?" "Do you know your biological parents?" Eh
As a person who is adopted. It’s a subject really that no one can understand not even the adopted person. You can come to terms with it, you can come to an agreement from it but an overall general aspect of it - is just putting a pretty pink bow on someone.
I kind of get what they said but I was never adopted. I remember being segregated with other foster kids at our school. During summer months we were mostly paraded around country telling people about how lucky we were to have the Children's Home and convince people to donate money. I aged out in 2008 and that was a period. Even today I struggle with who I am and what it means to be human. And often I lament not having anyone to give to. Eventually I got an apology from the place I grew up in. Things have changed a little bit but I fear that this year the struggles are going to be worse for those who age out. I guess in short foster kids, especially teens and adults, are sorta the forgotten responsibility of society.
I think we should talk about adoption more. I'm not sure what you could do with this recommendation but here's mine: No one does a video on mothers choosing adoption for their children and I think it should be a conversation...
Her language reeks of intelligence, She's really interesting and possibly more tragic than her words on the surface, people can be so cruel even with very subconsciously learned racism
As an adopted kid from africa living in holland with white parents i can totaly agree with the looking down thing i try not to do it but i keep thinking that every single person is looking at me and that is very painful in a weird way
Amelia H - hi! It’s a show in the uk where they try to find the adoptees birth parents/families. The host is called Davina which is why he said “davina” They pretty much do all the work with as much or little information you give them. X
i think that it's great to adopt even if you yourself didn't have a great experience. if that would be triggering for you then i totally understand but a child in an orphanage is not going to have a better life than if you (a trustworthy, loving parent) would adopt them and the child have some negative feelings about it. that's my opinion. a home with some reprecussions is better than an abandoned child. and if you were adopted and your parents didn't deal with the issue well, you have the motivation to do better than them
I'm not discounting either of their stories. But it would have been nice to see an older vs younger adoptee meeting where race didn't play a role in the experience of either person. Instead, I would have liked to see their stories be directly comparable. Their stories based solely on their experience of growing up adopted and how they see themselves and try to form some type of identity, and the contrast of the older vs the younger person's experience of seeking their true identity and the obstacles that may have caused them growing up and into adulthood. In this instance, the topic of race dilutes the potential for a direct comparison. Had they both been placed into families of a different race, I could see the point. But the formula as exhibited here really doesn't work.
One of my classmates in Sweden is a Korean adoptee. He seems to have a good life, we play videogames sometimes. Although im guessing it can get quite annoying that people keep bringing it up, especially since our school has a bunch of weebs that wont shut up about it, and seem to wanna hang out with him solely for that aspect of him.
Couldn’t you guys at ladbible make it more comfortable for them, I mean the loving woman is 55 years young, I’d say that those stool chairs seem very uncomfortable 😣.
I’ve always said I only believe unconditional love can exist between a parent/child relationship. All other love relationships we form are conditional (I.e. marriage vows, expectations we have of our parents). And here is an adoptee struggling with the idea. That really struck me.
Hell, I’m not adopted and I struggle with the concept of unconditional love. I don’t feel like I ever really had it as a child so it is hard to conceptualize. But I’m considering adopting a child one day and want to research the best ways to make a child feel validated and loved because I never actually felt that way.
I thought that she was brought back as a conventional starter. In the UK they used to do that with black children for the same reason. I hope she's okay.
How old were you when you found out you were adopted? “ i wear a size 8 in underwear. I love strawberries. I take baths not showers. I drove and SUV. I have a younger brother.” 🤦🏾♀️
Why is it selfish for birth mother to want to keep their children? Does that mean all mothers who keep their children are selfish and those who place aren't? I've never understood this narrative. Mothers don't usually want to place usually it's lack of resources and support
it depends on circumstance. a mother could leave a child because it's unsafe or she's not in a secure financial situation. if it's easier for the adoptee to believe the mother left the child in hope of a better life i don't see the need to try and prove them wrong without any factual evidence
These weren't really comparable situations in a lot of areas... I agree that the younger person should also have been a Chinese adoptee, or at least one that was a different race from their parents after being adopted.
The old woman sounds bitter, but what would the alternative have been. Many babies died in China when she was born, from hunger under the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution. Her white parents did a bad job probably but we have to learn and live on.
She seems to have been adopted from Hong Kong. It would have been nearly impossible for Brits to adopt a child from mainland China during that period. She is ethnically Chinese. HK did not experience the Great Leap Forward or the Cultural Revolution, as they were under British mandate.
The older woman seems to have been through quite a lot.Hope she is good now.
Konstantina 09 two totally different times they grew up. But sadly even now, interracial adoptions are looked at as strange. My best friend was adopted by a white couple and she’s mostly Mexican with a bit of Italian. And she never really faced adversities or people looking at her parents strangely. But a family friend who is white adopted a little girl 18yrs ago who happens to be black....and even to this day when she out in public with her she’ll get odd looks. It’s insane how we can accept people loving who they love, but we can’t accept the idea of interracial adoptions or families in general
Young vs old adoptee, yes, but also there is a difference between their conditions due to their different races, which would have affected their childhood.
That's the point of the questions
Yeah, imo it would've been a bit cooler to compare two people who were mostly similar except for age so the experiences are more comparable. Like, how would this go if it was looking at a young asian adoptee today?
I really don't think the point of this (excellent) series is to have the only difference to be that of age.
Agreed. I think it would have been a more effective comparison if they were both Chinese adoptees, because then we could have seen how international Chinese adoption has changed. For those two people, it seemed like apples to oranges.
True there are big differences due to being a transracial adoptee. But they can't find a perfect comparison. And there is I think crossover between the rules of adoption at the time she was adopted and the alienation from her cultural and ethnic heritage, largely related to the practice of abandonment and closed adoptions. If we'd had two people of similar experiences we may not have gotten to touch on as many issues, whether that was because transracial adoption never got addressed, or because it became the major topic of each answer.
This lady has alot of hurt. I really hope she has found some sort of acceptance
This was very interesting to watch as adoptee from foster care. My experience was similar but also different. I was never given up, I was taken away because I was not kept safe. I think people tend to forget that not all children are given up to have a better life but are in fact removed.
My little sister is adopted, and her mother knocked her down the stairs during an arguement with her father (she stole his mothers ashes and dumped them in an unknown location) when the police arrived she attacked them and got tased, classy lady that one, we also briefly fostered a little 1 and a half year old girl until her grandparents could take her in, that little girl had rickets
Children are usually removed from their family as a last result because they are in danger. Children suffering from abuse and neglect know nothing different and are usually attached to their abusers because that is all they know and who they know. They are Children and usually have no real perspective on good parenting or what actually being loved and cared for looks like. Drug addicts, alcoholics and any type of abuser do not make good parents. Living in a constant state of fear and terror is no way for any child to live. Trust me I have seen it first hand.
Being adopted I truly do believe that it’s not openly spoken about as much as it should be
There is also so much myth, stigma, and misinformation. People have no clue. We need more TH-cam channels that talk about this, more blogs that answer questions. We need to find a way to change the culture of adoption for the benefit of the child.
We're working to adopt, and specifically want have an open adoption. Is there anything we should do to help a kiddo feel comfortable talking about the negative feelings they might have about adoption? I hope asking is ok - you don't have to answer.
@@tabeechey depends on the age of adoption. If you adopt a newborn or toddler, make it part of your normal conversation. Tell them their own story (age appropriate) regularly, practicing telling it when they are too young to fully understand will not only give you experience telling them, but will help you be ready for answering questions as they get older. They should grow up knowing their own story and knowing it in such a way that if feels normal. Never hide things from them, if they ask a tough question, answer it. Make sure they know that it is always open for discussion and that you will always answer any question they have.
Open adoption is unique because it relies entirely on whatever relationship you build between you and the birth parents. There is no script there. You might have a birth mother who disappears for a while because she is hurting and needs time away (in which case, build her a book or box of memories so that if she ever reconnects you can gift it to her). Some want to be like an aunt, some have a bit of boundary issues. It's up to you to keep communication open and make sure that she (and birth dad), know that they are welcome in your lives. Make sure your child knows this as well, again, open communication with your child. Having an open adoption is a very different relationship, but it can be so rewarding.
I hope this helps and good luck!
@@frijofrojsdeern9545 this a mistake that is often made when people first learn about open adoption. It is not co-parenting and there is no confusion on who is the parent. My daughter's adoption was open and she knows me as mom and her birth mom is referred to as "aunt" (by her request). Not all open adoptions are as close as ours, but we found that we liked each other and each other's family and so chose to remain close. This is not the case for a lot of families. Closed adoption may be a preference for adopting parents because of their own insecurities, but in the long run it is best for the child to remain open (or even semi-open). It can be damaging to the child to not know where they came from or what their personal story is. Being able to make contact or even growing up knowing their birth parent helps them to grow up knowing their story and having someone who can answer questions.
It has never felt like foster care. There is zero chance of her being taken away and if there were any issues with her birth family, the parent's decision would be law.
I made this decision after talking to A LOT of people, I encourage you to do the same. The internet is not going to give you the information you need to make a truly informed decision. Good luck.
@@frijofrojsdeern9545 I apologize if I was not clear in my writing. I was trying to say that the "mistake" was not actually knowing what an open adoption was, how it works, or what it entails. I certainly didn't know before I began the process. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear, it was never my intention to cause harm or to appear dismissive.
Children who have been raised in a closed adoption are, naturally, going to have a different world view, and view of their birth parents, than children raised in an open adoption.
I personally, don't like the idea of all or nothing when it comes to raising a child. I think there is more than enough love to go around and that it is good for a child to grow up knowing that they are loved by their family, birth or adopted. My daughter's birth mother was not in a position that she could give kiddo the life she wanted her to have, so she entrusted that responsibility to me. It's a very hard, very painful decision to make, and for her, she is reassured that she made the right decision because she can see kiddo growing up happy and healthy.
Kiddo benefits because she gets to have a relationship with her birth mom and she gets to have a relationship with her bio cousins.
I benefit because I have a wonderful, unique family. They have babysat, helped us move, and been there for major milestones. There is no jealousy and I am considered a member of the family. Again, this is not typical of every open adoption, every relationship is different. This is merely the relationship we created and works for us. I use it as an example, not just because it is the one I know best, but because it shows that it is a good situation.
Closed adoption means that if the child ever wants to make contact with their birth family, it will be a very hard, expensive, and troubling journey. The adopting family have no medical history, no one to ask questions, and no answers for their child regarding where they come from.
Semi-open is halfway between the two.
I'm not saying 1 is better than all the rest. I am merely saying that it should be thoroughly researched before a single one is rejected.
Again, sorry for any miscommunication.
Old black activist meets young black activist.
That would be nice for black history month. There’s a lot we still need to do but I’d like to see what they share.
Very interesting and touching video idea!
I'll third the motion!
This is a british/english/whatever channel. Idk if they have black history month in february like we do in the US.
black history month is October in Britain
I assume you all are 'anti-racist'. But you are in favour of segregated history?
Excuse me, my mind is boggling...
Her adopted mother let her stand on a table and be exhibited to her class??
Michelle Koh It sounds like the mother was the one doing the exhibiting her to the class
Like she said, it was the 50s/60s adoption was weird back then
@@Tori-vz5er As a woman born in the 50s I want it known that this would have been weird when I was a child. This experience says much more about her parents and the society she grew up in than the era.
@@dawnandy7777 I asked my parents (both born in the 50s) they didn't think it was too far a stretch to assume people behaved like that then
@@Tori-vz5er Then it really says more about the segment of society she and your parents grew up in. I grew up in Montreal. There were few Asian immigrants then but many native inhabitants. Mohawk Indians with different skin colour than most Europeans, especially from the north. My fifties experience must have been more "international."
They licked their fingers to try and wipe the “yellow” off? Dude... tf wrong with people.
A blonde hair/blue eyed friend of mine had some very similar (as well as lecherous) experiences in Japan during the early 2000's.
Richie Erueti That’s awful
@@westnilesnipes Yes and no. People are curious and don't know any better so you can't really hate on them for what is an intense new experience. And the only time she was 'hit on' was in certain areas where men try to canvas women for Hostess Bars, but that' a common thing in some large city pedestrian crossings. I'm 6'4 so I also stuck out while I was in Japan but our experience(s) of being the object of curiosity overall were very positive (although I was never hit on ;-) ).
Richie Erueti Interesting perspective. I’ve had a few white friends here in China who have faced similar situations. I guess it just depends on the interaction and how you choose to react to it.
WestNileSnipes it was the 50s/60s completely different time. My mom is the same age as this woman, grew up in a predominately Italian neighbor and the first time she ever saw a person of color she was about 4yrs old and asked him “who colored you” to a child it’s a completely harmless and innocent question, but as adults we are naturally horrified because it isn’t a harmless question. The best we can do now is educate our children the proper ways to react when seeing people different than us
The guy was lovely and it is so wonderful that he wants to adopt too, helping his future child through all the different experiences they will have as someone who has gone through it too. His future child will be so lucky and loved.
Every adoptee's experience is different. My parents adopted me at birth (in a not-entirely-legal manner) and didn't keep my adoption a secret from me. I always felt it was perfectly normal. My birth mother and I were reunited 20 years ago, and I've since met my birth father and his family. My adopted parents both passed in the 2000's. My birth families have been a blessing -- like I was gifted two more families that I never knew about. I've been very fortunate. If you are on the fence about seeking out your birth parents, I strongly encourage it as a risk worth taking.
I could listen to Lucy talk all day, such a great voice and story!
Thought I would give my story here, since from reading the comments I appear to be more unusual than I had previously thought. I was adopted, from birth, and so were my two sisters. All of our birth mothers had issues that made them unfit to parent us and all of them made the decision on their own to put us up for adoption. They all had a relationship with my (adoptive) mom, who couldn't have children.
The reason I feel unusual is, I don't really have a desire to meet my birth mother. I don't think of her as anything other than a genetic donor in essence. My parents raised me, and they did a great job. They told me I was adopted from a young age, so young that I can't remember ever not knowing. And I have never, ever, ever felt abandoned. Quite the contrary. I feel so blessed to have been wanted by my adopted parents so much that they flew from Alaska to Washington to be there for my birth, stayed in the hospital all night and were almost as tired as my birth mother by the end of it. They named me, clothed me, fed me, taught me to walk and talk, mom made cakes for me every year on my birthday and my dad played fun games with me. They sang to me, put me through school, and loved me with everything they have. How could they be anything other than my parents? How could I feel that something is missing? This is how I, personally, feel about my own adoption experience. Until other people bring the topic up I don't even think about being adopted. It's the same to me as being born into your family is for anyone else.
I was adopted at 6 weeks old and was told I was adopted for the longest. I agree with you 100%. During my teenage angst years I felt like I had been abandoned by my birth parents but I soon came to realize I wasn't. I'm very grateful I wasn't put in a trashcan or left in a parking lot. She cared enough to have me in a safe hospital so I could have proper medical care and sign over her rights. Thankfully I was adopted by some wonderful people who raised me with all the love in the world.
I'll also add - being a teacher- I see plenty of children who weren't given up for adoption being tyrants as I do children who were adopted. These two individuals seem to be normal and I'd gave no idea they were adopted proberly if no one told me. People are people.
Sorry for being all over the place but thank you for your comment!
This is a beautiful story, my heart is warmed to know you didn't feel any void
I felt the same way...then for Christmas 2005 my mother gave me the final petition for adoption which listed my birthname. Long story short both birth parents died prior to my search...I was 31 when my b mother passed. Seeing familiar eyes for the first is hard to explain. Now at 55 I wish I'd looked sooner.
Who told you about your birth mother’s issues that made her unfit? And how do you know that is the entire story?
The situation with Chinese adoptions is so unique that I almost wish that they had used two Chinese adoptees.
Kind of shatters the idea of a multi-ethnic society being a thing thats doable if she's so profoundly affected by the idea of being a minority despite culturally being 100% British. I understand she grew up in a less tolerant time and its affected her but not wanting to adopt and only adopting someone of her race kind of raises more questions than anything. Surely at some point you have to be at peace with being different but also knowing you're British due to culture and openly identifying as such, especially being in such a tolerant country as the UK must make it easier.
@@scarletcrusade77 being a POC, you get hit with a understanding how race is a big part of ones identity. Having mixed raced families can be challenging and not everyone can raise such a family well. I don't see it really as problematic if that's her stance on adopting, rather it's understandable because of the pain she probably went through. Times are different now, but that doesn't mean the identity problems with race isn't gone for minorities. Feeling like you don't belong just because of the way you are born sucks, and just because you're culturally raised in something doesn't mean you automatically feel like you belong.
@@TsunamicBlaze Again I always look the the arguments given here are always in the frame of "Non white person inside a white country." always. Whites globally are a minority, lets keep this fact in mind. Also 'POC' is again this PC label only used in white countries, actual non whites never call themselves a 'person of color' since what does that even imply? Whites have no color and everyone else has color?Just kind of seems to stress the difference and create more barriers between the races by giving them special labels and attaching stigma/social ideas around said labels.
Anyway to your argument I don't really get what the solution is? People go on about progressive policy on race relations etc. but it seems as hard as (white people/nations) try it never seems to fully be enough for Non whites in those countries despite them being culturally assimilated. What does this basically tell us without saying it out loud? It concedes that race really will always be a separation factor, it defacto concedes a multi-ethnic/racial society will never be this mixing pot of racial harmony with 100% happiness among all peoples. There's always going to be 1 group whom isn't fully happy. And from what i can gather the remedy to make these groups happier ironically seems to be segregation within that society in which minorities of that race have their own separate spaces and all sorts of special separate things basically X racial enclaves in society to remove that feeling of being a minority or increases the population of non white people to again off set the idea of them being different as there's more of them in said nation? Again all these solutions awkwardly seem to have whites at the butt end of it all. They lose either way in some capacity. Make everyone else happy? Concede, power, demographics share of the population, media space, culture etc. basically re-write the whole nation to be less white seems to be the unspoken answer all in an attempt to make others feel a certain way.
Honestly this basically seems like the path you're going down in how to remedy it. The multi-racial experiment currently going on now in many (almost all exclusively in white nations) nations seems to have similar issues you've raised up. And again the solution always seems to be what i've mentioned above ^. Which again has the majority losing one way or another. Its almost funny how literally every other people group/ nation outside of white ones literally will either force via the state or societal pressure these minority groups to conform to their will or get cast aside. It really is such a stark difference in approaches. China would never ever change its culture to make a minority population feel less of a certain way, they'd force said population to conform culturally to the will of the majority. Which its kind of been the approach for all of history. Only now do we see this odd experimenting which white majority countries are bending over backwards to change for their minorities.
Ladbibe please get them better chairs!
right something with a back
You wouldn't understand...
The adoption experience for most birthmothers leaves a large emotional scar. According to the authors of "The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of Sealed Records on Adoptees, Birthparents and Adoptive Parents," most birthmothers expressed feelings of loss, pain and mourning that remained undimmed with time (Sorosky). A University of California, at Los Angeles, psychiatrist and author, Arthur Sorosky, M.D., likened the emotional scarring from surrendering a child to a psychological amputation (Sorosky).
"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE
"Adoption practice works on the premise that, in order to save the child,
one must first destroy its mother." - Dian Wellfare, founder of Origins Inc.
Thank you for sharing this; I am also an ethnically chinese adoptee raised by british parents, and there is a strange sense of grief that is difficult to even begin to comprehend when you are a child and you must feel grateful to your adoptive parents. Grief not only for family you will never meet but, in cases of cross-cultural/cross-racial adoption, grief for an entire culture to which you will always be an outsider. Of course we are usually grateful to and love our adoptive parents; they are our parents.
However, there are some ways in which they are unable to replace what they took from us. My parents did their best but they just do not understand the deficiency that comes with being a cross-racial adopter. My parents think that having adopted a chinese child makes them some sort of post-racial saints. My dad frequently uses us (my sisters and I) as props to show that he's not racist; he told the judge in an employee discrimination lawsuit that he couldn't possibly have discriminated against a black employee because he has asian daughters (cringe).
Is there any difference between children in a closed adoption versus an open adoption? My daughter is adopted and it's an open adoption. She has a relationship with her birth mother and her biological family. She knows her aunts and uncles and her cousins. She is still very young, but it is our intention to continue in this way and be sure that she has this connection and open communication.
Although she has never said it, I know how much birth mom loves our girl and I know it hurt her to make that decision.
I often feel pressure (from myself) to be a "perfect" mother because I don't want to let her birth family down. I want to be worthy of this amazing child and the honor of raising her.
@@SuperMrsMar Obviously there is a huge difference. A significant proportion of closed adoptions are the result of adoption fraud.
@@Vierotchka I wonder how they pull that off considering how difficult it is to terminate birth parents' right through the court in order for the child to be eligible for adoption. Granted, I don't know if this varies between states.
For my daughter, it took just shy of 2 years to terminate the birth father's rights. The agency ended up having to hire a PI in order to track him down. The man they found claimed ignorance, so we will never know. Even after that, the court still ordered that we had to publish in the newspapers to try to locate him. Every effort was taken to find him.
This was all ordered by the court and we could not legally move forward until the judge had been satisfied that we had done everything in our power to locate him.
I have a couple friends who have adopted through foster care and they had just as much effort put into the process.
I'm not saying you are wrong (especially international adoption and adoption in the past), I'm just curious.
@@SuperMrsMar sites.google.com/site/birthmotherresearchproject/
adoptingback.com/
"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE
adoptionhealing.com/ginni.html
Excerpt (the second part in the above link, but the first part is also very important. At the bottom of the page there are three links: Adoptee Section, Birthmothers Section and References Section) :
In 1982, Edward Rynearson, Ph.D. described the experience of twenty of his adult patients who, as teenagers, surrendered their first child to adoption. "Nineteen of them established an intense private monologue with the fetus (during pregnancy), including a rescue fantasy in which they and the newborn infant could somehow be "saved" from the relinquishment" (Chesler).
The pressure upon these mothers was one they could not stop. Sixty-nine percent of 334 birthmothers surveyed felt they were pressured into surrendering (Deykin). Another study reports forty-four percent of 350 birthmothers surveyed surrendered against their will. The study revealed the reasons for surrender centered around being single, poverty, young age, and parental pressure (VanKeppel). Some birthmothers told me they were shipped off to a home for unwed mothers, and told not to come home until they rid of the problem. For them there was no choice; they had no where to go.
The adoption experience for most birthmothers leaves a large emotional scar. According to the authors of "The Adoption Triangle: The Effects of Sealed Records on Adoptees, Birthparents and Adoptive Parents," most birthmothers expressed feelings of loss, pain and mourning that remained undimmed with time (Sorosky). A University of California, at Los Angeles, psychiatrist and author, Arthur Sorosky, M.D., likened the emotional scarring from surrendering a child to a psychological amputation (Sorosky).
The pain of the experience was hard to bear. As time went by the pain did not diminish, it increased. Robin Winkler, Ph.D. of the Institute for Family Studies, Melbourne, Victoria, reports that ninety percent of birthmothers surveyed felt deeply harmed by the adoption and the pain increased with time (BIRCO-Winkler). Drs. Harriet Ganson and Judith Cook found, "Birthmothers expressed deep anguish over adoption" (BIRCO-Ganson). Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D., who has studied birthmothers for twenty years, on behalf of Mary Beth Whitehead testified that ninety-five percent of the women she has studied found their loss shattering and worse than they imagined (Chesler).
The effect of the pain felt by birthmothers manifests itself in many ways. Sorosky tells us that most birthmothers do not enter psychotherapy because they surrendered a child; they push that experience to the subconscious. However, it often surfaces as the key to their inability to cope (Sorosky). Birthmothers seek therapy for numerous reasons:
Kaiser-Permanente Health Care conducted a study in 1979 of birthmothers who surrendered babies. Forty percent reported depression as the most common emotional disorder. Sixty percent reported medical, sexual and psychiatric problems. (BIRCO-Kaiser)
In another study 20 of 22 birthmothers sought psychotherapy for problems including depression alienation, physical complaints with no biological basis, sexual difficulties and difficulty making commitments (Millen).
Phyllis Silverman, Ph.D., interviewed fifty birthmothers and found many were not aware until years later they were grieving. "They all reported a sense of malaise. Still other birthmothers become weepy, restless, anxious and forgetful" (Silverman).
Birthmothers were not prepared for the aftermath of the surrender. They were told by the adoption professionals involved that it would be over soon; they would forget the experience; go on with their life and have more children. It worked that way for very few, if any. In the thousands of reunions I am aware of, there is only one birthmother who does not remember the experience. That one was in an accident, resulting in full amnesia of all personal history before the accident.
In time birthmothers do go on with the day-to-day tasks, but it proved impossible for most to pick-up where they left off before becoming pregnant. In Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience, Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D., describes what birthmothers were told. "The social worker said it would hurt for a while, and then they would forget, as if they had experienced nothing more serious than a nine-month stomach ache. They found they could not go back to the life they had left behind because they had become different people in the process of becoming mothers" (Lifton). Carole J. Anderson, M.S.W., J.D., in her booklet, Eternal Abuse of Women: Adoption Abuse, explains this in another way. "Adoption is not the end of a painful chapter, but the beginning of a lifetime of wondering, worrying, and missing the child. It is a wound that time cannot heal...it is a limbo loss" (Anderson). A limbo loss is what the families of MIA (missing in action) soldiers experience. There is no finality; not to know whether the loved one is alive or dead. Always waiting and hoping he or she will be found.
True some birthmothers did marry, and have other children. However, according to research, far too many did not have another child, 20 to 30% by choice (Anderson, Deykin), and others suffered a secondary infertility rate 170% higher than the general population (Deykin).
Ninety-six percent of birthmothers want a reunion (Ganson, Deykin).
Proud of my adoption at 2 1/2 yrs old. Blessed with my late adopted mother.
I love that you said "adopted mother" instead of adoptive mother. (no pasive-agressive grammar nazi here, I truly think that it sounds really sweet. We often forget tht the kid needs to adopt theparent as much as the parent needs to adopt the kid for this to work)
My husband and I adopted a newborn 17 yrs ago. Our daughter’s birth mother asked us to be with her during the birth and even had my husband cut the cord. Our open adoption experience has been so good. Our daughter met her birth mother, full and half siblings and grandmother a few yrs ago. She said she finally felt complete and that the meeting made her appreciate what was done for her even more.
I know not everyone is as fortunate as we were. I do hope the woman finds the peace she desires and that the young man one day does adopt.
Birth mother here. I gave my son to a wonderful family 18 1/2 years ago. Basically a closed adoption thru my church. This video was very compelling to me. I don't have any contact with my son as per the terms, but I don't think I'm ready to meet him anyway. I know that might sound negative on my part, but I still hold a great amount of shame and failure for placing him and even regret. I don't want him to have to feel that has anything to do with him. I don't regret having him. I just don't know if I did the right thing as much as I used to. I'm a poor loser too. Nobody can be proud of that. I hope he's having the perfect life I envisioned he would. I Love you Logan Joshua, where and whoever you are!
Please register your dna at AncestryDNA, in case your child searches for you. Knowing you regret it might be important for them to know, talking to you may be healing for both of you. Good luck to you.
Yoshi Lee thats not really an excuse to go meet. Family is not always blood, and I would be fine not meeting my birth parents if any of them (or myself) were to be dead the next day.
Adoptee here. I've known my biological mother for several years and know firsthand how difficult a life she's had. She gave me up because she wasn't ready or prepared to have me at that point in her life. She is redeemed a thousand times over in my eyes and in my heart. Everyone's situation is different, but as someone who was given an amazing life thanks to the decision of my bio mom to give me up, I beg you to give yourself compassion for the decision you made.
@@ejfredendall Thank you for your support and I can tell you the decision your birth mother and I have made "haunt" us from that moment on. Hearing your encouraging words does my weary heart some good though. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
@@kyleeconrad hey Kylee, just saw your comment and wanted to share some love ❤️ that’s me in the video, I was adopted through the church too. I think both my birth Mother and my adoptive parents felt that there was safety in the church, in some way.
But I just wanted to say hello anyway, and I hear you. It’s nice to feel understood and while I haven’t lived your experience, it resonates. I hope you find each other & peace ✌🏼 it brought me loads to finally connect with my family x
I grew up with a girl that got pregnant in her mid teens. By 25 she had 5 kids, no husband and lived off public assistance. Instead of using the assistance to do her best to raise her children, she wallowed in regrets, she became an alcoholic. I started calling child services when I saw her screaming cuss words into the face of a child that hadn't even learned to talk yet. 2 years later, when CHS took her kids, she stopped talking to me. I was ok with that. I was finding too many fist shaped bruises on those kids for her to be my priority. She was too selfish to give her children to someone that had the means to take care of them when they were born. To show them love. To care for them with kindness. She had to mess their heads and hearts up first. As kids and teens, I remember her mom beating her and is talking about how she was going to be a better parent. Her moms house was clean. Her moms house had food. She grew into being a much worse parent. Her children paid the cost. Everytime I see or hear about one of them they are struggling. Alcohol, drugs, jail they didn't really have a chance for better. If I had a time machine I would go back and have my 15 year old self beat the hell out of her 15 year old self. They all could have had better lives. Selfishness destroys. If you are an adopted child, know that your momma didn't give you up because she didn't love you. She gave you up because she loved you more than herself. She was willing to sacrifice your unconditional love so you would have what she couldn't give.
You have no idea what was going on with the mother you described. It's self proclaimed saviors like yourself who destroy people and perpetuate problems.
@@Dizziedee18 for you, a complete stranger, that has never met either myself, nor the person I'm speaking of, to say that I have no idea what was going on, is pretty rich. You have even less information, yet you feel the need to post your uninformed opinion. I was with this woman all day, everyday before the alcohol. I was closer to her than my own siblings. And you bet your ass I tried to save her. She was my friend. That's what you do. She was an adult though, the choice was hers. No matter how flawed. Those kids didn't have a choice. Are you suggesting I should have just stepped over their suffering and ignored it? Ignored the fact there was no food, clean clothes, diapers, etc.? How about I just left those kids alone to die?
You stated your view. Mine is those that remain silent in the face of child abuse are worse than the abuser.
@@VeeShay1 Thank you V.S. I couldn't have given a better reply myself because LambentLark statements were too close to home. For some reason people think that because a child hits a certain age (Lets say 18 or 21) they are somehow now an adult and are then equipped or bestowed this magical give of knowledge and ability. 17 you can't blame them. But at 18 they are an adult and know better. Thats not how life works.
Showing someone else self sacrifice, love and compassion is too hard. Its much easier to call upon a system people know nothing about and wish one had a magical time machine to beat the crap out of someone who most likely is a victim themselves. Then the person who did nothing but potentially made a situation worse walks around as a self proclaim hero.
I bet this guy has no idea what type of life those children are living right now. Yet he/she believes he/she is better than the mom. When in actuality there is a level of abandonment on their part as well.
@@VeeShay1 Knowing everything I know now, with the gift of hind sight, it was the right decision. Given the same circumstances i would make the same choice again. It wasn't something I did without a lot of sleepless nights and thinking through the consequences. Sometimes bad, is bad. You can only help others so much. It was only a matter of time til it was going to cost a life. I even took the classes to be a foster parent. The kids (and I) got lucky, there was a multi kid family open. Her kids were kept together for the most part. (One made a decision to do something different.) Honestly I did everything I could. It got to the point my family was paying the consequences for her bad choices. You can't save others if you're drowning and she was starting to take us with her. I did what I could to mitigate what I was able to. I have come to accept asking more, is a unreasonable expectation.
@@LambentLark I totally hear what you are saying. So glad your decision was not random and haphazard. Since you did try to help however you could and the parent was not taking responsibility for her children unfortunately other actions have to be taken at some point. I am just really glad to hear that the path you took was not a careless one. Daily, the paths of other people's lives change course due to decisions made by others.
This was lovely, thank you. Very insightful and I'm glad there is more support now. I've met adopted kids, forever orphans and had friends abandoned by their mothers with new step mothers. It was never a happy situation. Glad to see a positive scenario.
i'm adopted too, so i understand both of them
I love Jamie Bennett’s positive attitude and mentality. He’s got an awesome aurora! He too has been through difficult times but reflects a tonne of positivity. Would love to see him more! ❤️
I'm a black young woman and I got adopted as a baby by a German family. It's the best and I am the happiest ever but the one thing that I feel too is that I'm the special one in my surrounding, I am always the only black person and just because of that I stand out. I visited a Burna Boy concert a few months back and it was so freeing not to stand out, not to be seen.
I love that they read that book to him! That’s so beautiful!
Respect to both of them🙏🏾
Really good episode. If it hasn’t been done yet, I’d like to see old detective and new detective.
I gave birth when I was 16, couldn’t keep the baby.
I did not realise I was pregnant. I’ve got PTSD for 10 years now, but I hope that my son is doing good with his loving parents.
This video bring me to tears..
As an adoptee from an "ideal adoption" (placed at birth through one of the top agencies in the nation) let me just say that the adoption industry is beyond corrupt and could care less about adoptees or birthmothers as they are only viewed as the product and producer. The only thing they care about is making an disgusting amount of money from their consumer by preying on their infertility issues. There is also very little legal protection for adoptees after being adopted either as their adoptive parents can legally choose to re-home them in ways that we won't even let pets be re-homed. There are entire Facebook groups dedicated selling adoptive children because they are not conforming to their buyers needs or a bio child doesn't like them so they need to be out by the end of the week. Even those of use that grew up in "perfect" homes can never escape the trauma of our abandonment.
As for the statistics about how adult adoptees function in society its pretty clear how the trauma can last a lifetime.
Adoptees are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than a non-adoptee.
12 to 14 percent of adopted children in the United States between the ages of 8 and 18 are diagnosed with a mental health disorder each year, and adopted children are almost twice as likely as children brought up with their biological parents to suffer from mood disorders like anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues.
While there are no true statistics out yet on the issue there has been a noticeable increased risk of drug and alcohol abuse in adult adoptees. This topic is now being researched after a rehab facility in Florida realized that over half of their patients were adopted.
There also seems to be an increase of cases of adoptees being sexually abused by a family member. Two high profile cases in the past year of adoptive fathers sexually abusing their daughters. Only one these "fathers" was a pastor and his town tried to defend him because he was an "outstanding member of society".
Adult adoptees also have less rights than the average American citizen as we can be refused access to our original birth certificate depending on what State you were born in. We are denied the right to our heritage, family medical history and a biological connection. Which all might be something that doesn't matter to many but I assure it becomes very important when you don't have it at all.
Angela Jacobs my father is adopted. And although he has none of the aforementioned issues except I think abandonment. He is a very happy adult. But recently he opened his end of the adoption and was hoping to find his birth mom. He can not get his brith certificate and that is very frustrating. I think that is definitely a right that is denied. He did a heritage test and found a “cousin” who we believe is his half brother. We wish we could prove it further but he can’t get his brith certificate even though the birth mom is deceased.
I do believe that adoption is preferable to abortion as that negatively emotionally and physically hurts the mother and kills a life. So even though the system is flawed it is better than that IMO.
It's not better or worse, it's just a different choice. Nobody knows what it's like as each person is different.
That’s a matter of chicken vs egg. You can’t prove that the *adoption* causes the increased rate of suicide until you have a study that tracks the suicide rates of people whose parents *thought* about adoption, but didn’t follow through. IE similar birth parent circumstances.
@@ThunderStruck15 wait but what does having similar birth parent circumstances have to do with suicide in people who never knew their birth parents???? likely in those cases where they thought about it, something changed about their circumstances. not always of course. most suicide studies on adoptees relate to the circumstances in their environment that they grew up in, aka their adoptive families, and the biological factors that manifest in personality and suicidality. unless you meant to refer to those heritable factors in nonadopted people?? studies have shown though that psychological trauma unique to relinquishment by the bio parent elevate the suicidal tendencies of adopted people. similarly with intervention by foster care and other child welfare services. so, if at any time those children experienced some kind of interventions in the potentiality of an adoption, then that would affect them in some way. but for infant adoptions, ruminating about whether their birth parents lives affected the suicide risk of their nonexistent children is strange to me.
@@kurapikakurta3863 i did hear about something like that before, but i guess i never looked into it deeper. thanks for reminding me. Interestingly enough, i am working with kids right now, some of them having experienced trauma and have learned in various trainings that childhood trauma starts in the womb. the idea of intergenerational trauma being passed on to adopted children might be part of that. as a korean adoptee, i wonder if the korean war and any other serious conflicts/struggles like the 1997 korean recession (the year i was born) have affected my risk of depression and anxiety (which i have been receiving treatment for). i just found that persons reply strange because they emphasized "thinking" about adoption but not actually going through with it which i dont understand how that would matter considering there are still valid studies that look at the risk of suicide in adopted people unrelated to genetic trauma and more related to their relinquishment circumstances and adoptive family environment. adoptees and nonadoptees are fundamentally different. trauma comes from anywhere, but the trauma of adoption is real, and it exists only in circumstances of completed adoption, or active movement of a child out of their natural parents arms and into someone elses. if we want to look at risk of korean adoptees with single birth mothers and risk of korean children with single mothers, then we could. but that would not be a very relevant comparison. their upbringings are 100 percent different. of course the risk would be too. your study example is very important though. and i do acknowledge the relevance of it. but the person i replied to shouldve worded their comment differently.
when i was adopted i was lucky enough to
a) grow up knowing i was adopted
b) be surrounded as much as possible with my culture and encouraged to learn about it and even find my birth parents in the future
c) grow up with adopted sisters from the same country, so it's not just 1 asian kid in a whole white town
d) when i was younger, everyone around me being educated in adoption and not seeing me differently
and obviously having great parents
Hi! 🤗 this is so random I’m sorry but I read your comment and I wanted to ask if I could ask you a few things about adoption? (Just like your opinion on some things) you seem to be an ARMY too so I guess That’s also why I wanted to reach out 🙈 if you don’t want to, though, no problem! 🤗 have a great day🌸
This is so interesting. I was in an open adoption my great aunt and great uncle adopted me from their niece. I grew up seeing my sisters and birth mom. I always knew I was adopted. I became aware of being adopted at about 5 when I went to school and realized that other kids live with their siblings.
Always amazing to hear the different stories, we are all the same , with different stories, a subject that is not spoken or recognised enough.
Thank you for making this, amazing to see two such unique and diverse perspectives on a topic that needs more talking about. Great work!
Anyone that’s adopted that’s reading this, I was fostered at 12 days old by my family, my birth parents were junkies and I came out underweight and undersized and had a speech impediment growing up which took me 8 years of speech class to learn how to say r words. The family that fostered me fully adopted me when I was 2 years old. I’m 23 now,. Anyone that is adopted and hasn’t looked for your birth parents, trust me, you will. I did when I was 18 and my parents finally gave me the names, because you will never stop wondering. You might be disappointed like I was or maybe not, but it answers questions you will never figure out otherwise. anyone that’s adopted and found out as a young age as I did, it is so hard growing up knowing that. This episode hits deep
And also adding to this, I didn’t have any adult advice when I found out at 7 and it was hard. Trying to figure out why someone would give you up and all of the negatives. If you’re a parent planning to adopt and you read this, please, hide it from your kid until he is ready to handle it or if not whenever you tell him or her please be there to help and guide them because it is painful alone when you’re adopted
I never had the desire to connect with birth parents. I respect that other adopted people have the desire, but there's plenty of us who have 0 :) this assumption that everybody will do the search sounds the same as people telling a woman that all women will eventually want biological children. In truth, everyone is different.
@@backflipbryan1263 omg waiting to tell a kid they were adopted is the worst possible thing. It's known now that your supposed to raise children knowing from the start to avoid a traumatic experience later on. I'm so sorry that happened to you :(
@@backflipbryan1263 sorry that your experience was horrible....but not telling an adoptee their truth from the outset is just wrong. I cant think of a time I didnt know I was adopted.....it shouldnt be some sort of revelation that is dropped on you one day, it should be part of the tapestry of your life story, woven in from the day you come home.
@@backflipbryan1263 i see your point but as an adoptee myself i view it as if my biological progenitors did not wanted me and cuz of that i can get a better life not suffering with them and being comfortable in my home, why would i search for them? They didn't want me and i don't need them anyway im happy like this now
I hope the lady feels and knows love
It was taboo to talk about being adopted. I’m such an emotional person and need to talk about it. I would love to talk to a young adoptee.
What kind of questions do you have?
I would love to talk with anyone thats adopted to hear their story
I was just reading the comments here, I’m the guy in the vid 😊 if you want to chat I’m happy to!
Best of this series so far, absolutely fantastic video, great guests.
God when she said how she felt in honk kong seeing herself in every person vs how she felt in the uk. God I felt that strongly.
The part about her mother bringing her to show and tell reminds me of a story my mother told me once. She was adopted too, and was a First Nations (Native American) child adopted by white people. Her mother used to get her to dress up in 'indian' clothes and called her "my little Pocahontas". This was probably around thirty or forty years ago now...
It may be cause I was close to my grandparents but, even though I can see/conform to modern sensitivities, I understand those actions as quite organic ways of embracing someone, sometimes more than treating those physical/cultural differences as sacred. My grandmother loved to call me "little gipsy" and talk about my curls (I´m not adopted, I just took after my mother side, which is dark, while my father side is nuclear white). My father got comments, jokes and nicknames based on his red hair all his life from those who loved him, because it was something exceptional and the family showed appreciation for him /normalized it that way.
I understand why those actions are wrong in the public sphere, such as tv on the internet, where characterizing one person in one way actually influences how the public sees the entire group. But I think that we need to understand that, in the private sphere, where each one iseach one and the little fantasies we create are just family things, is different.
Holy crap :/ Hope it was innocent and innocuous enough that it didn't make her feel bad
@@alicianieto2822 Yeah, I get that. I'm Filipino and as a kid I had very dark skin with tightly curled hair. I was often thought to be half-Black and my mom used to swear Black people were extra nice to her whenever I was around (though I think that was just Black people being nice lol). She and other family members would point out my skin and hair all the time in an endearing way, saying "the half-black girl". Only my grandma got annoyed at my dark coloring, which until now I kinda raise my brow at.
Thank you for this. I always mention how videos like this make me anticipate or understand what my son may go through I the future. I know every adoptee is different but all these perspectives matter. The only thing I disagree with is that not all birth parents cared about their child to place them in adoption. There are many selfish birth parents whom choose drugs, abused their child and so on. Both sides should be mentioned. This new notion of people thinking all bio parents were loving is not a safe umbrella for the child.
Despite being adopted, I looked enough like my adopted father to pass for his biological son. But I was told from a very early age what being adopted meant and I’m fortunate to say I was never mistreated because of it.
I'd love to be able to sit down with someone with a completely different adoption experience. It would be very confusing and refreshing.
Adoption is a trauma even under decent circumstances. But difficult ones 😔
what a strong and wonderful woman
Being adopted was really tough emotionally. Only the last few years I’ve started to heal. I would definitely adopt a child. Be too weird to have my own dna in a child. I want to help others, that’s they’re not alone and I understand what they’re going been through. It maybe dark and painful but there’s light on the other side. We’re strong people.
They are both very great speakers, communicators
This video really hit me right in the core. I was adopted when I was a baby. Found out that I was adopted when I was 19 when it was also the last days of my mother when fighting a loosing battle of cancer. People in the family tried to throw me hints all my life but I was genuinely thinking that I was not adopted.
Once I knew, it hit me pretty hard. But I recovered from it sooner than I could've imagined and now made peace with it.
I do not want to trace who my real parents are.
The only problem I have about this is that, im unsure about the biological susceptibility of my daughter and myself when it comes to various diseases and conditions.
Further elaborating, some people are more susceptible to various disease such as cancer or diabetes due to genetics.
Wish I knew who my real parents were so that I could prepare myself and my daughter for the future.
Am I weird for thinking this? Please feel free to comment.
Really fascinating series. I'd like to see old politician meets young politician.
My mother had done this adoption like thing for a jail/prison when I was like 10.
A women she met there was pregnant and she decided to take her baby in. We took care of her for about 3-4 years until her mother got out of jail. Even though we are not super close nowadays, she is still like a cousin us.
Then years later my mom did it again, and this time she stayed apart of our family and my sister ended up being her adopted mother because it made more sense. She knows and is 14 now, and she means as much to me as all my other nieces and nephews do. Even though they can all be pains in the butt sometimes! :D
My Husband and I gave our first daughter up for adoption due to severe heart defect as a result of my drug addiction. We changed our minds the night before the adoption was to happen, and spoke with our adoption attorney earlier that night. The last checkup before leaving home, her heart was discovered to be missing most of her left ventricle, and was thereby rushed to our pediatric hospital in our area. We could not even come close to affording the surgery required, but the adoptive parents worked for a local government faction, and this was a major factor in our decision in choosing them. It breaks my heart to think she might someday feel unloved.
You are deeply loved, Emma. That's why we chose your family, because we knew we couldn't be there, someone had to be. You are loved and wanted!
I'm just past 5 years sober now, with a 7 year old autistic child. They know each other, a little.
I still wake up in the middle of the night afraid of that first phone call inquiring as to why. I can only hope my answer is satisfactory
This is was very moving up to the point where the woman said the bio mother made a choice by giving up instead of being selfish and keeping child. It hit hard because I have been on both sides, Iam adopted and my children were adopted all in horrible cases. My first case was with my twins and I was basically forced and it was horrible im still traumatized so are my adult children
We donated 19 embryos that were leftover after 3 rounds of IVF. They were split between two families, and unlike adoption, those are children born to that marriage, the donee mother and father are on the birth certificate, and unless they choose to tell, no one will know those are not their bio kids. But they're not, they are the full siblings to the two kids we were able to have, we are their bio parents. I was happy to help an infertile couple, that is a horrible pain, but I've often wondered if those kids will feel emotions similar to adoptees, if they're even told the truth. I hope not. I didn't donate them because I didn't want more kids, but because I wasn't physically able to go thru another pregnancy after my second, and I wanted them to have a chance at life in a loving family. If you're the result of a donated embryo, please know that your bio parents did that because they didn't want to destroy you, they wanted you to live and be happy, even if it couldn't be with them, for whatever reason.
OGSpaceCadet the truth will always come out at some point. I have watched a lot on embryos donation because I have thought about it. You just have to not be shocked if those children come looking for blood relatives. I personally still tell my children. I would be afraid that they would meet their blood siblings and have an attraction to them. I have heard of this happening and it scares me.
It should be made a legality to inform as the child will grow up with totally different genetics. What kind of terrible surprise if for example, you need a kidney to be told your family members aren't a match?
@ZowieFawn I mean hell it doesn't even need to be that removed from every day life. My grandmother divorced her abusive husband after he slapped her, my eldest aunt and my dad around one too many times, and went on to have another family. I only found this all out when a girl in the same high school year as me started to have a crush on me and her younger brother was good friends with my younger brother; my dad ended up having to tell us that they're actually related to us as we share a biological grandfather.
I would love to talk to an older person who has been adopted. I was adopted when I was in the 6th grade and am 22 now and I think I could benefit from the insight
Hi I’m 45 and I’m adopted, what would you like to know?
They should do a "Old Impeached President meets Recently Impeached President" with Clinton and Trump.
Sorry but the comparison is quite unfair and unequal. While the title suggests the gap between them is generational, it is more cultural. A better “meeting” would have been between two non-white adoptees and comparing their experiences back then and now.
Agree, there's plenty of young Asian transracial adoptees they could have interviewed.
Agreed, or they could have dropped the whole pretense of "old meeting young" and just focused on 2 adoptees comparing life experiences as a whole
Yeah he couldn’t understand where she was coming from because he was able to blend in with his family. Also some people adopt children of other races as a fashion statement or a status symbol (Not all, but some do) and that can make an adoptees experience very negative.
This video doesn't have enough views. Absolutely amazing work. Best of luck to them both.
You should do old care leaver vs young care leaver
To any body who was adopted does anyone know how to cope when the family that adopted you hated you cause they were different and treated tou differently from their blood child
I don't know how to help, but if this is/was your experience, I am so sorry!
Olympus productions I am so sorry that you were treated less than your adopted family’s biological child... As the sibling of an adopted sibling, that breaks my heart. Depending on your relationship with your adopted family, you could bring it up with them. Maybe phrasing it in terms of how specific actions affected you, “when you do/say X, it makes me feel Y,” could allow you to express it in a way they would be open to hearing? If you don’t feel comfortable/safe talking to your adopted family, you could try to find a group for adoptees either online or in your area. I also know that counseling has helped my sibling (and parents) work through some of the hard feelings, issues, and traumas that come with adoption so I would also definitely recommend that. Wishing you the best and cheering you on! You are valuable and worthy of love and care! 😊
@@emri4640 it doesnt matter now after bein beaten burned bones broken and bein homeless most,my life,im just trying to escape a town that only,brings,back bad,memories
One of the biggest difference is the time at which the older woman was adopted. As she said, during the 60s it wasn't very common.
Do a Tory voter meets a Labour voter
I love these videos, they are brilliant.
They both have such nice voices
I'm adopted. I don't want to find my bio parents. I always get the same questions as an adoptee.
"How old were you when you were adopted?"
"What kind of Asian are you?"
"Do you know your biological parents?"
Eh
Old psychologist meets young psychologist.
so sad:( bless her
As a person who is adopted. It’s a subject really that no one can understand not even the adopted person. You can come to terms with it, you can come to an agreement from it but an overall general aspect of it - is just putting a pretty pink bow on someone.
I kind of get what they said but I was never adopted. I remember being segregated with other foster kids at our school. During summer months we were mostly paraded around country telling people about how lucky we were to have the Children's Home and convince people to donate money. I aged out in 2008 and that was a period. Even today I struggle with who I am and what it means to be human. And often I lament not having anyone to give to.
Eventually I got an apology from the place I grew up in. Things have changed a little bit but I fear that this year the struggles are going to be worse for those who age out.
I guess in short foster kids, especially teens and adults, are sorta the forgotten responsibility of society.
This series is incredible.
Acceptance is always a hard deal, no matter what!!!!
I think we should talk about adoption more. I'm not sure what you could do with this recommendation but here's mine:
No one does a video on mothers choosing adoption for their children and I think it should be a conversation...
Her English is way more Englisher than English Tea
Her language reeks of intelligence,
She's really interesting and possibly more tragic than her words on the surface, people can be so cruel even with very subconsciously learned racism
She was raised by a British family, so it's her first language.
As an adopted kid from africa living in holland with white parents i can totaly agree with the looking down thing i try not to do it but i keep thinking that every single person is looking at me and that is very painful in a weird way
I’m also an adoptee from China. What did she use to find her birth family?
Amelia H - hi! It’s a show in the uk where they try to find the adoptees birth parents/families. The host is called Davina which is why he said “davina”
They pretty much do all the work with as much or little information you give them. X
i think that it's great to adopt even if you yourself didn't have a great experience. if that would be triggering for you then i totally understand but a child in an orphanage is not going to have a better life than if you (a trustworthy, loving parent) would adopt them and the child have some negative feelings about it. that's my opinion. a home with some reprecussions is better than an abandoned child. and if you were adopted and your parents didn't deal with the issue well, you have the motivation to do better than them
I'm hyped for "Navy Seal meets Mujahideen"
I'm not discounting either of their stories. But it would have been nice to see an older vs younger adoptee meeting where race didn't play a role in the experience of either person. Instead, I would have liked to see their stories be directly comparable. Their stories based solely on their experience of growing up adopted and how they see themselves and try to form some type of identity, and the contrast of the older vs the younger person's experience of seeking their true identity and the obstacles that may have caused them growing up and into adulthood. In this instance, the topic of race dilutes the potential for a direct comparison. Had they both been placed into families of a different race, I could see the point. But the formula as exhibited here really doesn't work.
They got a younger adoptee who had a good life, but just know that's not really the case a lot of the time, even today.
One of my classmates in Sweden is a Korean adoptee. He seems to have a good life, we play videogames sometimes.
Although im guessing it can get quite annoying that people keep bringing it up, especially since our school has a bunch of weebs that wont shut up about it, and seem to wanna hang out with him solely for that aspect of him.
Couldn’t you guys at ladbible make it more comfortable for them, I mean the loving woman is 55 years young, I’d say that those stool chairs seem very uncomfortable 😣.
Adoptions not a negative thing where I come from so that’s good.
Same, im from Portugal and im an adoptee and its so normalized in here that im proud and joyful to say i was adopted
Maybe it should be “older” and “younger.” Old and young sounds harsh lol
I’ve always said I only believe unconditional love can exist between a parent/child relationship. All other love relationships we form are conditional (I.e. marriage vows, expectations we have of our parents). And here is an adoptee struggling with the idea. That really struck me.
Hell, I’m not adopted and I struggle with the concept of unconditional love. I don’t feel like I ever really had it as a child so it is hard to conceptualize. But I’m considering adopting a child one day and want to research the best ways to make a child feel validated and loved because I never actually felt that way.
I wanna see an old pro gamer meets a new pro gamer like buga meets Fatal1ty.
Maybe too picky, but odd title; she's not old and he's not that young. Best to them both though.
Black hat hacker meets White hat hacker?
The older woman should come back and read the comments for a second video
I thought that she was brought back as a conventional starter. In the UK they used to do that with black children for the same reason. I hope she's okay.
How old were you when you found out you were adopted?
“ i wear a size 8 in underwear. I love strawberries. I take baths not showers. I drove and SUV. I have a younger brother.”
🤦🏾♀️
What does that Chinese \ English lady work at ?
Lucy is a phenomenal actress and writer! :D
The past was the worst
We've just witnessed social evoltuion at its finest.
Why is it selfish for birth mother to want to keep their children? Does that mean all mothers who keep their children are selfish and those who place aren't? I've never understood this narrative. Mothers don't usually want to place usually it's lack of resources and support
I agree.
it depends on circumstance. a mother could leave a child because it's unsafe or she's not in a secure financial situation. if it's easier for the adoptee to believe the mother left the child in hope of a better life i don't see the need to try and prove them wrong without any factual evidence
Most of The time mothers are scared and alone and have no help.
Former cia and former kgb
He kinda looks like vardy and maddison
All of these issues stem from the supposedly well-vetted adoptive family.
These weren't really comparable situations in a lot of areas... I agree that the younger person should also have been a Chinese adoptee, or at least one that was a different race from their parents after being adopted.
Illusion of the Adoptee Experience (Adoptee/Love) Album coreygoldwaves.bandcamp.com/album/illusion-of-the-adoptee-experience
sad
hi
Thankfully, neither were conceived by Michelle Williams
The old woman sounds bitter, but what would the alternative have been. Many babies died in China when she was born, from hunger under the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution. Her white parents did a bad job probably but we have to learn and live on.
She seems to have been adopted from Hong Kong. It would have been nearly impossible for Brits to adopt a child from mainland China during that period. She is ethnically Chinese. HK did not experience the Great Leap Forward or the Cultural Revolution, as they were under British mandate.
@@bingbingbaobei fair nuff, if she was born after 49