004: Am I Grieving Too Long? Prolonged Grief Disorder
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 ม.ค. 2023
- Getting stuck in the process of grieving. How do you know if you are experiencing prolonged grief?
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About Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z
In life, we so often avoid the complex and personal expression of grief. The avoidance makes it difficult to explore and share our grief in our everyday lives. Yet, it is a natural and universal human experience.
In Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z, we will be deconstructing and highlighting the different aspects of grief and loss.
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If you found this podcast helpful please share it, subscribe, and leave a rating or review wherever you get your podcasts. We want to be a resource for anyone who is experiencing loss and this is a simple way you can help us spread the word.
If you are struggling with grief and need some professional help we encourage you to find a licensed therapist, and if you can, one who specializes in trauma, death, loss, and grief.
If you are in Delaware you can reach out to The Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy at www.CenterForGriefTherapy.com, or by calling (302) 635-0505
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I really like the carved statue behind you. This is exactly how I feel. I lost my son to cancer 78 days ago. Empty.
There is no time limit on grieving.
Mary Ellen, I couldn't agree more! Two weeks ago, Carmella (see above) made the same observation. It's what I feel is a response to your statement that fits as well.
Grief is not a disorder it’s perfectly normal.
I could not agree more! We don't stop grieving. I lost my brother 24 years ago and there are times where it still hurts a lot, especially around birthdays and holidays. Prolonged grief, however, is really different. It's when even after a year has passed, the grievers isn't functioning well at all. They aren't engaging in life, for example, at all. They shut themselves off from all people. They avoid finding ways to integrate their loss into their narrative, so the loss remain front and center as if it has just occurred, even after years! Sometimes the pain is so devastating that even after decades they haven't found a way to enjoy life again in a new way. So there's a big difference. Of all people, I know grief is perfectly normal! My entire group practice is founded on that principle. But I am also aware of those who are suffering and cannot find their way out of the pain no matter how long the loss occurred. Instead of having their pain, they remain IN pain. But we carry the loss alwaysl
Thank you. I'm grieving ENDLESSLY. I lost my entire immediate family very close together by the age of 39. I could never ever have imagined my whole family would leave me so soon. And the trauma around those losses are intrinsically linked to the grief so it's as though I can't let go of the grief because I'm still trying to work through all the trauma.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how difficult this has been. It’s amazing the strength you must have to continue to grieve so many of them in such a short time
Wow, Janine. That must be so much to process that many losses in such a short period of time. We "see" our futures as being so different sometimes, and we grieve the loss of those potential futures as well. There is always grief in trauma, but not always trauma in grief. You appear to be working towards navigating your trauma while grieving as well. This is not an easy process at all! I hope you find healing and a way to integrate your losses and trauma into the narrative of your life so it's fulfilling again.
Yessss, people really don't understand how devastating living life without even one person left to love and comfort u is.
I totally agree with this. Ive been grieving for over a year now. Im continuously grieving and can’t seem to move on.
Thank you for taking the time to share. What a great explanation of a complex process. This resonated on a personal level with the loss of my daughter and also professionally in understanding/ researching Prolonged Grief Disorder.
Thank you for being so vulnerable with sharing your loss and continuing to search for purpose and meaning
Sara Michelle, thank you for your feedback. My heart hurts to hear of the loss of your daughter. I apologize for my late response to your post. I'm currently undergoing some serious health issues and haven't had the bandwidth to respond to all the replies to the podcast. But please know I recognize that this has been nothing short of a painful process for you. I wish you well!
Lost my sister in 2010, then had my son (my parents first grandchild) in 2016 and then they passed 2020 and 2022. I was not even 40 and my entire direct family left me as a single mom with my newborn (4 yr old son)
My goodness, the bereavement overload must feel so difficult. I’m sure you may feel your son lost knowing them and it wasn’t the future your envisioned. My sincere condolences for you
And your family.
Oh my goodness, Janine! That is so much to bear! I'm sorry to hear of how difficult this has been. I wonder in what way you found your way and what you learned about yourself that has led to growth?
@@phoenixrisingwithdrz thank you for your kind words. I think each person lost has come with its own lessons and also each has been experienced very differently too. I definitely got stuck in the guilt stage with my sister I'm still stuck in the angry stage with my father. Can this take a lifetime to work through? I think one of the lessons so far is that you really do come in and go out alone. I've learnt a LOT medically. I've learnt how little sweating the small stuff matters. Death has a profound way of shifting your perspective on things. It's very easy to still get completely swallowed up by all the grief so keeping busy to the point of almost permanent burnout has become a nasty "coping" skill. Could probably go on forever but just wanted to say thank you for your response x
Thank you so much for this! It explains so much!
I’m so glad that you found the episode. Helpful!
My father died after 12 years of no contact in 2010, he did not respond to my grievances of poverty, I was 25 but a child inside , it took me at least 8 years to feel some sort of an adult, 99.9 percent of the time I did not see him at all, I am still not coping entirely , I had alexythymia as well, I did not realise that I loved him and was emotionally blocked and then he died , first there is sorrow for his passing and then all the thoughts and images that go through your mind almost 24/7 everything you see, hear or think goes through a filter , it is less now but still within me and it is 2024 now , me thinking if I would have realised my emotions if I would thought of the moments of contact and how he was beyond all else , if I would have seriously thought things through the outcome would have been so very different , what a waste , my advice : don't be complacent and think things through or you will regret it
That’s a Very complicated relationship, and grieving the loss of the father you never really knew and didn’t know how to navigate any opportunity. Your future self would have liked to see. Hope you are finding ways to heal those wounds, Reina connected with him as you feel fit to do so. Sounds like you are being tough on yourself as well. Please just know that we can only do the best we can and that point in our lives. Looking back Ken keep the guilt alive, and the grief ends up with hindsight bias.
Thank you for such an indepth explanation. I lost my 21 year old youngest son of three. Sons six years ago. My life is totally shattered. I cannot function in my daily work. My mind is constantly thinking about my son and i cannot tell you to what extent i yearn and long for him. I feel like im existing and not living. I feel paralyzed with depression.
Ana, I lost my oldest son almost 2.5 years ago. He died in December of 2021 and would've turned 30 on Christmas Eve. His younger brother and I have not been able to celebrate Christmas since. What you wrote is me, too. I wish I could help myself somehow to then have a way to help you with some kind of wisdom, but I have none. We are living our worst nightmare and I don't see any way to wake up from it apart from the obvious 'cure', which I will not do for the sake of my son. But I am utterly adrift and lost now without him. Please know you're not alone.
Ana, I lost my oldest son almost 2.5 years ago. He died in December of 2021 and would've turned 30 on Christmas Eve. His younger brother and I have not been able to celebrate Christmas since. What you wrote is me, too. I wish I could help myself somehow to then have a way to help you with some kind of wisdom, but I have none. We are living our worst nightmare and I don't see any way to wake up from it apart from the obvious 'cure', which I will not do for the sake of my son. But I am utterly adrift and lost now without him. Please know you're not alone.
I can’t imagine that much loss. The loss of a child is like no other, and it takes a long time to get to a place of even functioning. It sounds like finding a specialist in grief and trauma, if you haven’t already done so, could prove to be very helpful. This is case that, in my mind, would require somebody who really is trained and notwithout having in-depth treatment with prolonged grief. I’m so very sorry to hear of your losses.
I wish they would discuss how to navigate compounded grief of multiple losses in a short amount of time in between them.
Keith, wouldn't that be nice! Multiple losses often lead to bereavement overload. There's no one person or thing to grieve "first." It all feels like a big loss with strands of individual, distinct losses. This is a great idea for a future podcast. I'll put it on my list! Thank you for the suggestion
Thank you. This was helpful!
Marielynn, I am very happy to hear it was helpful!
Thank you for this video!
Thank you for the feedback!
I lost my father six yrs ago and I tend to cry 3 times in a week. I can't go anywhere without crying 😭
Elaine, it sounds like your dad was a central figure in your life, and his loss has affected the landscape of your life so much that it still feels raw. Do you find it helpful to talk with people about your grief? If not, is there a way to find someone or a group to help you with your process?
I ended up getting a German shepherd that was born on my sister's birthday and was ready for me to collect on my dad's birthday. I've now convinced myself that they are both living inside him
What a beautiful way to honor his
Memory.
My mother 😢 it’s killing me I’ve lost her
Losing a parent is sometimes (and I don't want to make assumptions here) such a loss to feeling connected to our part and future at the same time. It sounds like she was a very important person in your life, and that her loss has really thrown your life into a spiral. I hope you find a way to allow yourself to grieve without feeling the pressure to "move on." We may "move forward," but what would that mean to you? When you're ready, and if you allow yourself the process, you will find your way. Your grief won't just disappear, of course. But you will find a way to life around your grief again.
Loss my wife of 13 yrs 8 1 23 to cervix cancer tumor, thinking it was menopause, was only 50, if you got advice on how to sleep would be helpful, I've got insomnia since n always was able to sleep 10 hrs, n drink coffee n sleep… Now I aim for 12 hrs n lucky to sleep 3-5 hrs, some nights like last night none, try to keep busy, be up 12 plus hrs, guided meditations, lean on the lord, sermons, prayers, dark cool room, count blessings, melatonin n other otc sleep aids and even then, the pain of loss is so overwhelming to sleep :( ... how to accept n let go, not the love but the pain n dealing with loneliness of a love that is gone now, the sadness, we orbited each other 24 7 n was together 4 yrs 17 yrs ago also, a witness to my life young n older, now gone :(...
Pleazs excuse my late response to your question. I've been navigating some major health issues and am just now returning to some semblance of work. First off...grace. It's been such a short period of time, and the loss of a spouse is one of the most complicated and painful ones that a person can experience. It sounds like your grief is so intense that it's really impacting so many areas of your life. It also sounds like you have tried so many ways to improve your sleep, which in turn will expand your bandwidth to navigate these rocky waters. From your post, I can see you have reflected not only on your grief, but all the ways in which the loss of your wife has led to loss of potential futures, physical touch, your witness of your life, and your secure attachment to another loved one. That attachment is so very much part of our experience, and it is exactly why the pain can be so disorienting. You will find your way. Allow yourself to grieve as you do in your own way. In terms of sleep, here is what I have (some of which you mentioned, but I'll do so again here): 1. cool, dark room 2. No caffeine at all (in your case) 3. no electronics at least 1 hour before bed 4. no eating 3 hours before bedtime 5. Consistent, solid routine before bed 6. perhaps a warm shower 7. ear plugs (I find this extremely helpful myself) 8. journaling all the thoughts racing in your mind can help slow you mind down. I hope you all the best.
@@phoenixrisingwithdrz Thank you so much, and prayers for your health concerns also 😇
Lost my wife 28 months ago of 53 years marriage. I have ptsd from Vietnam. Seem like I’m frozen in time . Can not seem to function at any level . How can I move forward.
William, I wish there was an easy answer to your question as I'm sure the intensity of your grief compounded by your PTSD is overwhelming at times. Both are trauma responses and can be helped with a trauma specialist who understands and is trained in treating prolonged grief disorder. Some things in the meantime you might want to try are: 1. don't avoid reminders of your loss (such as avoiding certain places) 2. stay connected to your support system and let them be there for you 3. remain active in things you like to do 4. keep taking care of your basic needs including exercise, good sleep, healthy eating 5. consider how you have changed as a person, perhaps for the better, since your loss. We are amazing creatures in that we are resilient and can experience post-traumatic growth. So along with the pain perhaps are areas in your life in which you have grown, such as becoming more empathetic or considering what is worth responding to versus what you can let go of. These are just some ideas, and I am sending you healing thoughts and hopes for an "unstuck" future
What about my dog. I just witness my schitzu get attack by American bully I tried fighting this dog and my baby died and everything you mentioned im going thru. I keep seeing the attack over n over and feeling like I. COULDNT save her so I don't deserve life mind u I still feel this way about my dad died since Dec 27 2020.. I've struggled so hard and not my dog attack it's more intense than my dad like I literally want to go to crisis center
It's like everyone especially my daughters make me feel like I'm over reacting I feel guilty for feeling worse than when my dad died and my dad I still haven't let That go but other trauma loss have happened since that have forced me to suppress.. example Been homeless for 6 months and loosing both my dogs within that 6 months my protection while I was homeles like I feel in complete danger in life and feel like I'm next. Like my dog dying was my only last one safe connection and I couldn't save her..
Not only have you experienced tremendous trauma, but are also navigating your grief. Our fur babies are very painful to lose (I just lost mine 3 weeks ago). PGD can occur as a loss that lends itself to PGD, and I have treated an individual in just this case. It could prove extremely helpful to find a trauma therapist to help you find healing and hope again.
Resolution in this case would have to mean resurrection
Trying to find a way to remain connected to somebody that we can’t be physically connected to any longer is unimaginable. The pain of their physical presence is overwhelming and trying to find ways to reestablish routines and rituals that you had as a family might be a healthy step towards healing. My brother actually died on Christmas day at the age of 22 years old from a drug overdose. Christmas is always been a difficult time for me Personally, and I make choices not even to work with my patience during that time of the year because I know that it’s it’s difficult for me. But I did create some rituals which there is an episode in my podcast that you can find talks a lot more about rituals. I hope you find it helpful and I wish you nothing but Healing and connection you continue to work towards anchoring yourself