I Was A People Pleaser Until I Read This...
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ก.พ. 2023
- I was a people pleaser for most of my life, until I read a book that literally changed everything in the span of a few months.
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The book is “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover
Thank You he talks tok much for me lol
No more Mr. clean
Thanks! It’s horrible when people keep babbling endlessly instead of giving the information promised in the title…
A people pleaser sounds similar to someone with a social phobia. In pathological shame, fear of rejection, no boundaries, no inner strength of personality, lack of authenticity.
Not sure I agree with that. It might be two different things. Also the characteristics listed could probably fit anyone.
@@Rick40years I don't think he was saying they are the same thing, just that they have similar characteristics!
I am a people pleaser that raised a people-pleasing son. Now he is getting married to a narcissist woman and I am devastated. She controls everything he does and is not allowed to come to visit me alone.
Ouch
My uncle married a narc woman, she puts her venom in him. Only after I had an opportunity to move to the USA she started hating me, because I had this opportunity she didn’t have. So she worked to put my uncle against me, to taunt me. Now I’m no contact with the whole family. There are several narcs in my family. I hope your son will see through her. If you are a believer, pray for him to see the real truth.
Heal yourself and heal him before he has kids and repeats the cycle
Find a way to explain this to him. So he can at least not grow people pleaser himself. Cheer.
Is he happy? Narcissistic partners are no joke. The woman my grandfather remarried (as a widower) was like that. Thankfully he eventually divorced her. If you can reach out to your son and be there for him in a nonjudgmental and supportive way it will probably help him be able to appreciate the safety of more healthy relationships/people
ha, never knew the expression came from that pusillanimous word.
I disliked the book because it felt like reading advice from someone hating themselves when I went through an already brutal time. You can view yourself and the way you interact with the world detached and figure out why certain things don't work how you want it. While it took some years, I figured out that being nice is not the worst thing you can do. Be a gentleman. People love it. Avoid toxic people like the pleague. Be honest but not cruel. In romantic relationships be prepared to fight every now and then instead of ducking away until you've actually solved your issues and you'll be fine.
"Avoid toxic people like the plague " I totally agree!
@@Guy-tq1wrIs there a surefire way to identify a toxic person?
^ recommend the book How To Win Friends and Influence People. Felt less self deprecating than other books I read and more instructive on what makes people like who and why. It’s kind of an old book but most of what I read from it so far I agree with and find the traits in people I ACTUALLY look up to and respect in my day to day life.
Most of us people pleasers come from our childhoods, its the way we had to be to please our parents...it happened to me. Found it tough getting through life, but we have to learn to say no to others and live our own lives...
People pleasing just ruin my life,I never think of my self,most times I feel I disconnected from my self.
Awareness is a great first step in overcoming the problem 🔥
You are. Shutting down and repressing emotions disconnects you from yourself and prevents you from connecting with others. The part where Oliver talks about living behind a pane of glass is incredibly accurate, and the worst part is you don't even know it's there until you manage to get rid of it. Cannot recommend this book enough, and would definitely recommend finding a men's support group to help you with this. You can fix it, you can live the life you deserve, you just have to be brave enough to let go of the tools that got you through childhood and are no longer serving you.
I know that I and many women have the pleaser sindrome… I didn’t realise that men ALSO can suffer from this. God bless you for sharing this and working on yourself 🤗💚💚💚💚⭐️👍🏼
Fact that he defines pussy is absolutely incredibly hilarious
That was awesome.
and still people pleaser since he is afraid to say out loud pussy
So really its pussi
I typed that into Google to doublecheck the definition … that was a mistake 😂
Fr
Can relate to always feeling the need to smile and the crows feet that comes from that lol. I would notice that after a social situation that I would leave feeling empty yet my face muscles would be sore.
Not being the guy that loses is not the same as being the guy that wins .
Thank you for making this.
Step 1: Neediness 4:43
Step 2: Masculinity 6:14
Step 3: Shame 7:40
Step 4: Boundaries 8:40
Step 5: Ask 9:52
Thank you for a wonderful and extremely helpful talk. As you spoke of about this, I felt like you were “ stalking” me. I just purchased the book. It’s never too late to learn something even at age of 60.
thanks Moss,
Great to hear someone older not giving up,
I’m 50 and struggling like heck with relationships and work.
Highly underrated video. Well worth the watch! Thank you for making it.
Hi Oliver, this is an excellent video. Thank you for your courage and honesty in exploring this topic.
Thank you so much. I'm happy to see a true example of someone who get out of the people pleaser syndrome. I'm on the journey of getting free and this gives me hope.
Bro this is so raw, thank you so much for sharing your journey Oliver! Made me feel less alone.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks for sharing that bro, makes me feel less alone
Hello Oliver, so much of your content relates to me so I just wanted to say a big thank you for making these videos. Your content has been really helpful in diagnosing my main problems and understanding how to move forward, which Im just starting to do, so once again thank you very much and I really hope your channel gets the attention it deserves.
Thankyou for taking the time to write this comment. I appreciate you sharing this. Hope to continue making content you find valuable ✌🏻
This is me!!! Started in childhood. I am breaking free ty for this video!
Bootiful.. Thank You...
I thought I am a people pleaser, but watching this video I realised that on my own I managed to start stepping in the right direction. I've recently started hanging out with men more, very recently for the first time I admitted to someone I'm not okay, and I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with myself.
Interesting seeing this video now
Really powerful thanks for sharing. I used to be a people pleaser too
Thanks for sharing Oliver,
this was fantastic. It was relatable.
Glad you enjoyed it!
This book is literally a gem. It has helped me a lot
I relate to your story. Just want you to know others out there know how brutal it is and it's a good thing you can stand here today and talk about it.
Thank you! Just downloaded the audiobook 😊❤
You have upgraded my vocabulary, thank you.
thank you it was very pleasing to hang out with you :):
thanks for the summary and action steps!
Nice little channel my guy has got going here! I hope he gets more lots more subscribers ❤
Thanks for this.
It feels like if I don't act kind to them I will became a bad person.... And the problem is I cant say no to anyone it's really a bad thing
That's exactly what people-pleasing is. It's all driven by guilt, shame and the underlying belief that we aren't okay (and need to be something else in order to be liked). It's amazing that you're aware of it, though.
Pleased to see a relatively smaller [or just not massive, I guess] channel getting pushed to my feed, and well done! Keep it up! I liked the info and your demeanor, and I'mma check out that book.
Thankyou, mate. I appreciate it.
The light went on for me as a people pleaser when someone I’ve always been kind to decided to stop speaking to me. I used to turn myself inside out dealing with this bullshit, always blaming myself. I didn’t realize two things. A. That person is the asshole. B. No one is that special. Really wish that would’ve dawned on me a lot sooner.
That‘s a sick video brother
Man you are amazing ..can't believe that you had hard time with girls ..thanks for the information..👍👏
I needed this i want to heal the issues that came between me and my persons I can now have a balanced and healthy relationship
Very powerful thank you
Great video man, described me to a T. I'm improving slowly saying how I feel but I feel awful every time I do haha but equally relieved I seem to repress a lot of it and hold in the rage. I need to just say how I feel in the moment!
Bro this dude has a very intresting vibe to him i like him ❤
Good stuff. You took responsibility and did the work. Watching this is like looking in a bloody mirror - I also had a string feeling of shame since I was a kid and thought 'masculine' stuff was ... repellent?
One thing I did for suppressed rage was to sit with that rage when I felt it. I sat with it and observed it for 20 minutes. Just looking at that feeling of rage without all the associated thoughts. Voila!! That one session had a huge impact on dissipating rage and anxiety. Do this with your regret. It works.
(I just wanted to share this technique with people because it really worked for me).
That's amazing. Thankyou for sharing.
This video scares me because it's so relatable.
Biggest problem in my life, great to see other people being able overcome it
You can do it too !
I love your accent so much
whoever reading this comment as a "nice guy", believe me you, one day, will suffer from social anxiety just like me. So be brave and say NO to the things you do not like. It will be be worse if you keep yourself being a Nice guy which will eventually lead to social phobia and you tend to get goosebumps while speaking even with your family members. Believe me this feeling is so much depressing and will throw you to the darkness.
I feel you.
I have this, can't do video calls with my mum.
You have a great energy:)
Than You:D
Sounds like an important book for all men.
Wow, you are really reaching me. Actually I am a woman. 😊 I watched a looot of videos, most of the time from women. Your vibe is reaching something unreached in me. Thank you so much for your footsteps.
Even from watching the video for 18 seconds I feel you are a good presenter! I actually made a video on peoplepleasing as well, feel free to watch if you want. I go in depth where people pleasing comes from (Childhood)
I genuinely like to please people. When I say, "what the hell is wrong with your face?'" to strangers, it is simply a conversation starter so I can help them be better.
Joking aside. You get crucified for honesty.
I have this unnatural feeling of rejection whenever a friend d shows any sense of annoyance or disagreeable with me. No matter how hard I try I feel empty. No matter how hard I try, I feel like no one wants to be in my life. It’s depressing and I know that there is something in my life that needs to change.
Have you looked into some type of attachment issues in your childhood?
As @2020Token mentioned, attachment issues are tied into nice guy syndrome pretty intricately. Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style in which you're hyper aware of other's reactions and take them incredibly personally. You can fix this and become secure, and Dr. Glover's book will help. Once you start putting yourself first and enforcing boundaries, you will start to feel more secure. The book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller will help you identify and address underlying attachment issues.
Eft wil help you a lot my friend its 100% works Emotional freedom technique
This nice guy thing can also apply to nice women😅 can completely relate.
A nice men doesn’t exist its ‘ made’ played
Being a nice guy almost killed me
People pleasers are just afraid to displease. Need to build up that Yang. Too much Yin and not enough Yang makes one very vulnerable. Seems to me these days that most women have more Yang then men. Blame it on Extreme Feminism? I didn't have much Yang either then I started reading PUA material and realized women are attracted to Yang. What better incentive to develope more Yang? Everybody has Yang but most of us repress it. Some Kundalini can help uncoil it as it is coiled up in the based of the spine.
Heart breaking is the best 😂
funny guy, what a legend lol
i love the fact that you outpoint that you did feel anxious asking , speaking up etc…. because i asumed you are supposed to feel confident doing those steps when in reality not everything feels great in the beginning
Yes learning to use my voice , is a challenge x
Thank you for explaining the word 🐈⬛ because some of us women are brave and get triggered with the word 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Anyone know an equally good book but for women? 😊
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the book's name. Will this book be of any help to the women?
I believe so. It touches on many these that aren't necessarily gendered. People pleasing, approval seeking etc. It's a book definitely aimed at men, but I'm sure you'll get something from it.
You'll also be able to understand men much more.
Enjoy :)
How do we stop the cycle of attracting narcissists? (Do we have to stop being a people pleaser? )
When im not pleasing people i feel like im gonna be killed or assasinated i dont wanna get them or myself angry maybe im a bit paranoic
Hi Oliver, where can i find a mens group? Im in the UK, cheers
❤❤❤
I’m a girl but i’m like this 😢
Can't be arrested hanging around other men. It's exhausting.
👍👍👍
What if both parents were present but over involved?
This is my issue. 26 with over protective parents even though I moved out 5 years ago they still feel entitled to all my decisions
So toxic shame can be got by any man, simply for the 'badness' of being a man...as though it's something that needs to be apologised for (at least the sex part anyway, though also our 'general' masculine behaviour as well). If only I were a woman, then I wouldn't be quite so...disgusting...or so the pure as the driven snow feminist theory goes...
And I'm saying all this as a gay man! Perhaps I'm projecting all my toxic shame I have for being that, on top of the toxic shame I have for simply being a man...if but a faulty one...so toxic toxic shame.
Great.
It's so interesting reading your experience and perspective.
I had a lot of toxic shame for being born a woman, feeling supposed to be "pure", submissive, emotionally sensitive... qualities I don't like or resonate with.
I experienced shame when I felt strong, assertive or proud.
I've been told nobody wants strong women, that our value lies in submissiveness.
Now I think all of those expectations and prejudices are utter bulshit.
Is this book only for men?
Mother dear,child code open
Long story short, you discovered being fake wasn’t making you happy?
I respect your experiences and lessons but please don't make the mistake of speaking in absolute terms... Every individuals experience is different. I suffered from nice guy syndrome but because of growing up Catholic and being taught "do unto others" also for some reason, where I grew up in crown heights Brooklyn most of the kids I grew up with (west Indian) respected niceness and didn't see it as a weakness.
Yes, there were a few times when someone attempted to bully me but they learned pretty quickly that that was not a wise choice.
I am still a nice guy... Because there are those who will appreciate you and practice reciprocity. But because I recognize the behavior of the user or the abuser it allows me to practice malice with no empathy to those who deserve it.
The energy you send out is the energy that you get back. Be nice to yourself first, family second, friends 3rd and then everyone else...... And as soon as you see that someone is interpreting your kindness as weakness educate them.
But to speak in absolute terms as if your experience is the experience of everyone else and your lessons or shall I say the route to your Discovery is the same route as everyone else is, let's just say, incorrect
What book did you read
I want to know too, thats why I clicked on the video.
No More Mister Nice Guy, by Dr Glover
With out Jesus you won't be complete or whole....no one else knows who you are better than him he's your creator look to him 1st
can this work for me - i'm a girl though
The book is aimed specifically at men, although people pleasing isn't a gendered thing at all. I'm sure there will be plenty in the book/this video that you can apply to your situation.
Women tend to have people pleasing characteristics more often than men, at least in Western cultures (Yang & Girgus, 2019)
I love you, Oliver!
Haha thanks, man!
There's some useful information in your video, thank you, but I don't think you can really say that having all-female role models led you to being a people-pleaser. Are you suggesting that all the women around you were inherently people-pleasers or that feminine energy is inherently submissive? (that's a whole can of worms right there) Or that only being around women naturally provoked a shame response for being a man? I'm sure there are plenty of men who grew up around women who did not have this experience. And how do other genders enter this conversation? I identify as female and had both a male and female presence growing up. I learned to 'fawn' or people-please because I felt emotionally unsafe around my caregivers and could neither fight or flee. It had nothing to do with whether I spent more time with one gender or another. I don't think there's such thing as a 'nice guy syndrome' - it's just a label describing people-pleasing applied to a male identity. Ultimately all genders are vulnerable and the issue is often a learned response to trauma. I think you've perhaps misunderstood where your behaviours and shame came from, and based on my own experiences, may I suggest that there is a deeper root that is worth exploring and understanding to help you on your continuing journey.
From a young age we are taught to behave and please our caregivers. Teachers and parents alike.
Most teachers are female.
Many fathers are absent from a child's like, either emotionally or otherwise.
This means that the caregivers we are taught to please just so happen to mostly be women.
This forms an association with a lot of men whereby their self-worth is inherently tied to women approving of them. They've been conditioned from a young age to seek the approval of women. This was the case with me. I'm not making any inherent statements about women being this or that. It's purely circumstantial.
If you don't believe the nice guy syndrome exists, countless men would disagree with you. I would suggest you read the book I recommend in the video before making your mind up. It's an enlightening read and a very clear window into the mindsets of many men out there.
@@OliverCowlishaw explained brilliantly👍,
yes countless men would agree.
@@OliverCowlishaw What we call "masculine" qualities such as assertiveness, healthy expression of anger, etc. can be modelled by people of any gender. The problem comes when a large portion of society (both men and women) are taught to people please, and seek the approval of others, mostly the opposite gender. I don't think the problem was that you had female teachers - the problem is that society in general doesn't teach healthy expression as a whole. Nice guy syndrome applies just as much for women. What matters is embodying your authenticity and encouraging that in everyone.
If your teachers were male or female, that doesn't matter, they're both capable of modelling authentic self-expression, as well as suppression and shame.
Men and women have different requirements socially and psychologically, whether they agree to them or not. A male being modelled on the requirements/experiences of a female authority, e.g. parent and teacher, is setting him up to fail in a way a female wouldn't be. Needs appropriate socialisation and male role models. What you said certainly applies, and differences shouldn't be overstated either, but it is still a problem on its own. Massive problem in attraction and stability in relationships for example. The issue largely doesn't apply to women in that context since men's attraction and respect works differently. But yeah, it does seem the book could be more general, I suppose that is more the masculinity marketing aspect.
@@skyworm8006I think there are many issues with those social requirements (I don't know what you meant by psychological ones).
Being born a woman, I felt pushed into a role I didn't naturally gravitate towards.
People-pleasing and masking is expected of a woman in my culture and now I'm trying to undo the damage this narrative has caused me - feeling undesirable and expecting rejection if strong and assertive.
I'm sure many women from all over the world would agree.
Big link with unhealthy shame
According to a 2022 YouGov poll of a thousand U.S. adult citizens, 49% self-identified as people-pleasers, with 56% of women and 42% of men describing themselves this way
You’re falling hard for the sex difference regimen and amatonormativity , should look into releasing from gender based societal expectations if u wanna feel better about your “manhood”
There are gender differences in parenting and teaching. It's obvious as a father. This wasn't created by society, but rather the intrinsic differences between sexes.
bro don't share SO MUCH details just for views, wtf
I share authentically, not for views, but because one of my core values is authenticity. If you don't like it, don't watch.
@@OliverCowlishaw Authenticity doesn't equal sharing every freaking thing, have some dignity bro
@@vinci_irl I share what I want on my channel, mate.
@@OliverCowlishaw you do you mate lmao
@OliverCowlishaw thank you for your authenticity. Keep it up 😊
Wow, I’m so glad that you defined PUSSY because it always bothered me when people use that on other people but now I actually feel better about the word lol
You almost look like Justin Timberlake lol
Thank you for a wonderful and extremely helpful talk. As you spoke of about this, I felt like you were “ stalking” me. I just purchased the book. It’s never too late to learn something even at age of 60.
Glad it was helpful!