"I want that for you and i recognize that it's not me" that is a powerful way to look at marriage. Wanting connection and support at depth for another person AND being able to give and receive at that level. A marriage is so much more than being with someone you are attracted to.
I am super sad because of the realisation that I would never get to meet you guys, but meeting someone with such a high standard for growth like you guys is something I strive for ❤️
This just dropped at the perfect time. Just last night my ex partner and still best friend and I talked about how we can make it work staying friends since I'll move out on the upcoming weekend and there has been a lot of hurt, but we both don't want to give up on us as people and friends. Thank you for sharing. ♡♡♡
"Love does not mean enabling" 100%!! I think many women need to hear that if they are not in healthy relationships, you can still have boundaries and morals and say 'no', even in love.
I dont know why people seem suprised, since the "Different libido levels" video I assumed they are going to get divorced, unfortunately. I believed that to be a super huge incompatibility but still had some false hope that i might be wrong. Either way... thank you guys for showing mature perspective online where the majority is just thinkikg black and white.
It's so weird to me because why can't you just masturbate when you're in the mood and the other person isn't. I'm single and it's always enough for me. The love should be more important than sharing this particular activity together. You don't need to have sex at all in your life as long as you take care of your "needs" yourself. Who's in the mood for sex after masturbating?
I totally understand where you guys are coming from. This video series is amazing for not just you two, but for many others who want to be friends and a family still for their kids or other attachments without having to be married still. It's something that many won't understand. The way you guys are explaining this completely makes sense to me, and I hope more people will come to understand as these are posted. For those who don't get it, I strongly recommend reading How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk (they talk about it OFTEN, and rightfully so). Catchy title, yes. It really is just a how-to guide for how to pick the marriage partner that's right for you ❤.
Wow this is a wonderful thing you guys are doing publicly. My ex husband and I have been divorced for nearly 2 years, seperated for 3. I knew at the very beginning that I wanted to keep things respectful and civil as much as I could. I grew up in a home environment where divorce was nasty and I didn't want that for my kids. While it was extremely challenging at the beginning, it got easier and today I'm happy to say that we have managed to stay friendly. I wouldn't say we are friends but we can be in the same room together and have a conversation.
I swear I’m trying but i still don’t understand: there were problems that strained the marriage and you guys worked on those problems to get to the healthy place that you are in today, why divorce? If you can build a good friendship why not a good marriage? I feel like a broken record but I am genuinely trying to understand
@moviemelody2210 Hey. I watched this video carefully and feel like they gave several answers to your question within the video. What I hear them saying is that they are still caring and supporting each other, but that doing so as friends is a lesser amount than doing so as a married couple would necessitate. Also, Alycia said that she loves a challenge and growth opportunities while Jono (and me!) prefers comfort. I don't want to answer for them, but another possibility may be that they have incompatible needs for how they live their life while feeling fulfilled and alive. I hope that helps.
@@sorshae.elsberndthat actually does! You saying “they (possibly) have incompatible needs for how they live their life” really helped me understand how the shift was made because my brain was working under the assumption that they were (romantically) compatible, they just had issues (like ever couple).
I understand your question too. I am a child of a very bitter divorce so I struggle seeing couples who genuinely like each other and are friendly getting a divorce. In my mind, if you like each other, you should make it work. I try to think of it this way: Let' say, my best friend and I want to go on an epic vacation but we only have enough money and time to do one vacation. Friend wants to spend her time in the cities of Europe, losing herself in museums, concerts, and restaurants. I get bored in ten minutes at a museum, hate loud noises, and have food sensitivities that make eating at restaurants impossible. I want to spend my time in the Alps and the Dolomites, hiking, rafting, and climbing. She's terrified of heights and water and hates hiking after ten minutes. As much as we enjoy each other's friendship, we would make each other miserable on a trip after more than an afternoon. Compromise would be difficult because that would mean being miserable half the time and having a miserable partner the other half. So instead we'll meet up occasionally and catch up before going back to our vacation.
I'm currently in a state of what feels like crisis in my marriage as we navigate this exact scenario; I want the best for you, but is it, can it be, me? And not having the answer. It's so daunting. Thankful for this series.
Maybe this is a bad take, but I think this is the best case scenario particularly for divorced people with kids. I'm not saying every coparent has to be best friends, but if it's possible, that would be the best. It took many years before my exwife and I were in a good enough spot to be friends again and be there for each other and be there for our daughter. Honestly it took almost 10 years. But better late than never. My exgirlfriend on the other hand, there's nothing connecting us. We never had children together. When she left, that was just it. There's no need to chase friendship with an ex if it's unnecessary. Maybe that feels bad, maybe that feels unfair, or that you 'lost' in some way, but sometimes that's just how it needs to be.
We split, my partner of 12 years and I, 2 years ago, then came back together for a year (as polyamorous couple), then split again. We both knew the first time why we broke up, but both felt miserable. It took a year back together and some more counselling to understand why: when we split, we put a barrier between us. We are family, know each other completely, and deeply care for each other. Not as a couple. But as nearly siblings. (Even the therapist said so). We behaved like we were good friends, but without much of an intimacy. That was stupid, in reteospective, but it seemed the only way of doing things. Forget the 12 years of being joined to the hip and live with a hole in our lives or being a couple without romance or common life goals. Now, we are not a couple anymore, yet we keep that close familial bond. That's what we needed. Sometimes, a relationship moves from romance to something else organically. Sometimes, we should let it. Sometimes, we need to keep the connection in its new form. And sometimes not. Each relationship is different and no human steps in the same river twice.
This all is so foreign to me, seeing a marriage ending on what seems like good terms. Almost like it was mutually agreed. My husband and I both witnessed domestic violence as children in the lead up to our parents splitting. We’ve battled a lot of demons in our 18 years together. It’s sad when things don’t work out like you’d expect, but I have a huge amount of respect for you guys, especially as parents.
It's about respecting each other. I've been divorced for years and no matter what, I respect my ex, especially in front of my kids. He's their father and I should be able to talk to him about what we think is best for the kids. In turn, he has respected me in the same way.
My question is about romantic attraction. Did you decide to separate after realizing you were no longer in love or did you split REGARDLESS of still being in love? Can you force yourselves to fall out of love with the other if the marriage doesn't work out?
Jono & Alicia: you guys are my heroes - married AND NOT married! I've learned so much from the things you share and teach on this channel. ♥️🔥💯👏🥰. Btw you guys fit my criteria and then some for healthy and successful relationships. I don't think a marriage (or any romantic relationship or partnership) has to last forever to be a success. And I think both your marriage was and your relationship now & overall is a success. I mean just look at all the good things that came from your marriage, and all the growth and strength and skills developed, and challenges successfully overcome. You both are like in your 2.0 versions of yourselves now. Or probably more like 3.0 by now!!! Y'all are like the bionic man of yore - you made yourselves stronger, faster, smarter. -- you had / have the technology!!! 😂♥️🔥👏
I keep having the thought; it's WAY easier as long as you each don't have a new relationship !!! As soon as you have a new relationship, the reality of the separation between you are hitting a deeper level, in my experience ! So my question would be ... What have you talked about concerning new partners and how to deal with that ??? (...assuming that you are both still single) With LOVE Anja (Anya) in Denmark, Scandinavia - Europe
As a Thinker/Closer, I wonder about my ability to have a long-term relationship. I worry I steamroll partners or take over all the work and responsibility. Alicia, what would you do or what would you look for in a future relationship?
I don't know if this question is too private, feel free to ignore it. But could you maybe touch upon how your different personality types contributed eventually into the divorce? How those differences in people can be mitigated (basing this off your Marrying your opposite vids). Just went back to your series and I'm realizing more and more how similar my relationship is to yours, and... I'm worried.
Bessel van der Kolk told the story of TRF director (at that time) doing his work after neurofeedback: he went after his longing to become an artist. Be prepared for changes when doing the work.
I have a friend who has been married for a decade with a child and her and her husband are best friends and sweet couple but she is divorcing him due to she isn’t sexually attracted to him and hasn’t for a while. Even if there is nothing wrong emotionally some people can’t connect physically and that is usually what it comes down to.
You say you worked through things and then looked at what you had and decided it wasn't a marriage. I'm curious how you would answer this question, what is a marriage?
My ex husband and I divorced 23 months to the day after we got married. We didn’t plan it that way, its just when the papers were officially complete according to the judge. I considering holding him to the vows we exchanged, but realized that could only cause each of us to resent the other, while divorce would allow us both to move on and (hopefully) retain more good memories than bad. Ten years later, he found me on Facebook, and we were able to work our way back into being friends. I never stopped loving him, and after our divorce I swore that never again will i marry someone that i actually like! (Rethinking that, now that I've been in a happy relationship for 8 years, though we're both over 50 and have both had bad experiences with being married).
I feel like my entire life has been that I take the responsibility that I can, others have not and I have taken the consequences and they riped the benefits. I can't take anymore. It doesn't help that my values are quite unusual, so what I think is the right kind of behaviour is not how others behave as long as they can. I feel like a wreckage.
You guys still seem very involved in each other’s lives. Of course running a business together and co-parenting would require that but I’m very curious how each of you are growing and evolving as individuals now that the other person is no longer your spouse.
I have a very high libido, as a partial result of the traumatic brain injury. My partner used to; he had been part of the kink community, and we met at a polyamorous function that was the first dealings with that group for each of us. Neither of us was ready at that time to be together, though we maintained an online friendship for years until the stars aligned. After we had been a couple for several months, his libido settled into contentment. He said, "Its nice to not be walking around with a perpetual boner." I still have powerful and frequent needs, which i usually take care of on my own, & he's pointed out that I can still go the polyamorous route (which is more trouble than it's worth at this point). This is the best relationship either of us has ever had--so much that the sexual misalignment is only a minor problem.
I'll never understand why masturbating isn't enough for people. I've been single my whole life and because I always do that when I'm in the mood, I've never felt like there's anything lacking in my "sex life".
How would you consider the feelings of a new partner wanting to be your best friend when you already maintain that with an ex? Would it be considered to take a step back if a new partner and the old one might have to give space and freedom ( from a past, no children involved ) to a new bond forming. How realistic is it to remain best friends when life truly wants to move forward?
Are we saying we're best friends? I don't recall us saying that, and if we did then that is not the intent. We're friends. We're family. New spouses would be best friends and confidants.
I'm on on the slightly funny end of "What do you mean? Ofcourse they work it! They put genuine love and care in first place. Who wants their beloved to stay at the price of building resentment" and then I remember that is a frequent default. Which I do not aim to shame. Survival mechanisms are strong and rough to work through!
I guess I look at marriage differently… Biblically. You don’t just get divorced. Especially if you can work together. Marriage is for better or for worse… you are one… and few things (though there are reasons) should just cause you to walk away…. You don’t like being married is not one of those reasons.
Biblically the r@pist has to marry their victim. Married people aren't "one" and it's healthy to always remember that when you're married. You can be great partners while also having a lot of freedom individually.
"I want that for you and i recognize that it's not me" that is a powerful way to look at marriage. Wanting connection and support at depth for another person AND being able to give and receive at that level. A marriage is so much more than being with someone you are attracted to.
14:27 and 14:15. Also 12:09 is key in ant relationship.
I am super sad because of the realisation that I would never get to meet you guys, but meeting someone with such a high standard for growth like you guys is something I strive for ❤️
This just dropped at the perfect time. Just last night my ex partner and still best friend and I talked about how we can make it work staying friends since I'll move out on the upcoming weekend and there has been a lot of hurt, but we both don't want to give up on us as people and friends. Thank you for sharing. ♡♡♡
"Love does not mean enabling" 100%!! I think many women need to hear that if they are not in healthy relationships, you can still have boundaries and morals and say 'no', even in love.
I dont know why people seem suprised, since the "Different libido levels" video I assumed they are going to get divorced, unfortunately. I believed that to be a super huge incompatibility but still had some false hope that i might be wrong.
Either way... thank you guys for showing mature perspective online where the majority is just thinkikg black and white.
U were suspicious of divorce since THEN😳
I discovered them from that video! Lol. And yeah I was hugely curious how it could work w/that situation being so obviously important.
It's so weird to me because why can't you just masturbate when you're in the mood and the other person isn't. I'm single and it's always enough for me. The love should be more important than sharing this particular activity together. You don't need to have sex at all in your life as long as you take care of your "needs" yourself. Who's in the mood for sex after masturbating?
I totally understand where you guys are coming from. This video series is amazing for not just you two, but for many others who want to be friends and a family still for their kids or other attachments without having to be married still. It's something that many won't understand. The way you guys are explaining this completely makes sense to me, and I hope more people will come to understand as these are posted.
For those who don't get it, I strongly recommend reading How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk (they talk about it OFTEN, and rightfully so). Catchy title, yes. It really is just a how-to guide for how to pick the marriage partner that's right for you ❤.
Wow this is a wonderful thing you guys are doing publicly. My ex husband and I have been divorced for nearly 2 years, seperated for 3. I knew at the very beginning that I wanted to keep things respectful and civil as much as I could. I grew up in a home environment where divorce was nasty and I didn't want that for my kids. While it was extremely challenging at the beginning, it got easier and today I'm happy to say that we have managed to stay friendly. I wouldn't say we are friends but we can be in the same room together and have a conversation.
I swear I’m trying but i still don’t understand: there were problems that strained the marriage and you guys worked on those problems to get to the healthy place that you are in today, why divorce? If you can build a good friendship why not a good marriage?
I feel like a broken record but I am genuinely trying to understand
@moviemelody2210 Hey. I watched this video carefully and feel like they gave several answers to your question within the video. What I hear them saying is that they are still caring and supporting each other, but that doing so as friends is a lesser amount than doing so as a married couple would necessitate. Also, Alycia said that she loves a challenge and growth opportunities while Jono (and me!) prefers comfort. I don't want to answer for them, but another possibility may be that they have incompatible needs for how they live their life while feeling fulfilled and alive. I hope that helps.
@@sorshae.elsberndthat actually does! You saying “they (possibly) have incompatible needs for how they live their life” really helped me understand how the shift was made because my brain was working under the assumption that they were (romantically) compatible, they just had issues (like ever couple).
I understand your question too. I am a child of a very bitter divorce so I struggle seeing couples who genuinely like each other and are friendly getting a divorce. In my mind, if you like each other, you should make it work. I try to think of it this way:
Let' say, my best friend and I want to go on an epic vacation but we only have enough money and time to do one vacation. Friend wants to spend her time in the cities of Europe, losing herself in museums, concerts, and restaurants. I get bored in ten minutes at a museum, hate loud noises, and have food sensitivities that make eating at restaurants impossible. I want to spend my time in the Alps and the Dolomites, hiking, rafting, and climbing. She's terrified of heights and water and hates hiking after ten minutes.
As much as we enjoy each other's friendship, we would make each other miserable on a trip after more than an afternoon. Compromise would be difficult because that would mean being miserable half the time and having a miserable partner the other half. So instead we'll meet up occasionally and catch up before going back to our vacation.
@@MissGirl1450 Oh, elegantly put!!
It’s not just you.
I'm currently in a state of what feels like crisis in my marriage as we navigate this exact scenario; I want the best for you, but is it, can it be, me? And not having the answer. It's so daunting. Thankful for this series.
Maybe this is a bad take, but I think this is the best case scenario particularly for divorced people with kids. I'm not saying every coparent has to be best friends, but if it's possible, that would be the best. It took many years before my exwife and I were in a good enough spot to be friends again and be there for each other and be there for our daughter. Honestly it took almost 10 years. But better late than never. My exgirlfriend on the other hand, there's nothing connecting us. We never had children together. When she left, that was just it. There's no need to chase friendship with an ex if it's unnecessary. Maybe that feels bad, maybe that feels unfair, or that you 'lost' in some way, but sometimes that's just how it needs to be.
Thank you for posting. Watching now❤ love you guys
We split, my partner of 12 years and I, 2 years ago, then came back together for a year (as polyamorous couple), then split again.
We both knew the first time why we broke up, but both felt miserable. It took a year back together and some more counselling to understand why: when we split, we put a barrier between us. We are family, know each other completely, and deeply care for each other. Not as a couple. But as nearly siblings. (Even the therapist said so). We behaved like we were good friends, but without much of an intimacy. That was stupid, in reteospective, but it seemed the only way of doing things. Forget the 12 years of being joined to the hip and live with a hole in our lives or being a couple without romance or common life goals.
Now, we are not a couple anymore, yet we keep that close familial bond. That's what we needed.
Sometimes, a relationship moves from romance to something else organically. Sometimes, we should let it. Sometimes, we need to keep the connection in its new form.
And sometimes not.
Each relationship is different and no human steps in the same river twice.
This all is so foreign to me, seeing a marriage ending on what seems like good terms. Almost like it was mutually agreed.
My husband and I both witnessed domestic violence as children in the lead up to our parents splitting. We’ve battled a lot of demons in our 18 years together.
It’s sad when things don’t work out like you’d expect, but I have a huge amount of respect for you guys, especially as parents.
It's about respecting each other. I've been divorced for years and no matter what, I respect my ex, especially in front of my kids. He's their father and I should be able to talk to him about what we think is best for the kids. In turn, he has respected me in the same way.
My question is about romantic attraction. Did you decide to separate after realizing you were no longer in love or did you split REGARDLESS of still being in love? Can you force yourselves to fall out of love with the other if the marriage doesn't work out?
Jono & Alicia: you guys are my heroes - married AND NOT married! I've learned so much from the things you share and teach on this channel. ♥️🔥💯👏🥰. Btw you guys fit my criteria and then some for healthy and successful relationships. I don't think a marriage (or any romantic relationship or partnership) has to last forever to be a success. And I think both your marriage was and your relationship now & overall is a success. I mean just look at all the good things that came from your marriage, and all the growth and strength and skills developed, and challenges successfully overcome. You both are like in your 2.0 versions of yourselves now. Or probably more like 3.0 by now!!! Y'all are like the bionic man of yore - you made yourselves stronger, faster, smarter. -- you had / have the technology!!! 😂♥️🔥👏
This is just what I need. This is the missing piece for me to move forward to heal. Thank you ❤️
The lip purse at 11:24, is a summary ... she's dealing with this with as much grace as she can conjure up.
I keep having the thought; it's WAY easier as long as you each don't have a new relationship !!!
As soon as you have a new relationship, the reality of the separation between you are hitting a deeper level, in my experience !
So my question would be ... What have you talked about concerning new partners and how to deal with that ??? (...assuming that you are both still single)
With LOVE
Anja (Anya) in Denmark, Scandinavia - Europe
Wishing you two the best :)
As a Thinker/Closer, I wonder about my ability to have a long-term relationship. I worry I steamroll partners or take over all the work and responsibility. Alicia, what would you do or what would you look for in a future relationship?
this feels so incredibly weird to me, but I like it.
I don't know if this question is too private, feel free to ignore it. But could you maybe touch upon how your different personality types contributed eventually into the divorce? How those differences in people can be mitigated (basing this off your Marrying your opposite vids). Just went back to your series and I'm realizing more and more how similar my relationship is to yours, and... I'm worried.
Great video!❤️
Bessel van der Kolk told the story of TRF director (at that time) doing his work after neurofeedback: he went after his longing to become an artist. Be prepared for changes when doing the work.
You are both amazing.
I have a friend who has been married for a decade with a child and her and her husband are best friends and sweet couple but she is divorcing him due to she isn’t sexually attracted to him and hasn’t for a while. Even if there is nothing wrong emotionally some people can’t connect physically and that is usually what it comes down to.
Sending hugs to you both. Your journey is not an easy one. Thank you for sharing.❤
I'm sad to learn you are divorced. Thank you for teaching us these lessons.
You say you worked through things and then looked at what you had and decided it wasn't a marriage. I'm curious how you would answer this question, what is a marriage?
I would say that wanting/needing compatible things out of life and a partnership is foundational.
My ex husband and I divorced 23 months to the day after we got married. We didn’t plan it that way, its just when the papers were officially complete according to the judge. I considering holding him to the vows we exchanged, but realized that could only cause each of us to resent the other, while divorce would allow us both to move on and (hopefully) retain more good memories than bad. Ten years later, he found me on Facebook, and we were able to work our way back into being friends. I never stopped loving him, and after our divorce I swore that never again will i marry someone that i actually like! (Rethinking that, now that I've been in a happy relationship for 8 years, though we're both over 50 and have both had bad experiences with being married).
I feel like my entire life has been that I take the responsibility that I can, others have not and I have taken the consequences and they riped the benefits. I can't take anymore. It doesn't help that my values are quite unusual, so what I think is the right kind of behaviour is not how others behave as long as they can. I feel like a wreckage.
You guys still seem very involved in each other’s lives. Of course running a business together and co-parenting would require that but I’m very curious how each of you are growing and evolving as individuals now that the other person is no longer your spouse.
I thought this would be my ex and me...unfortunately it was not... and since his death, now an impossibility
I have a very high libido, as a partial result of the traumatic brain injury. My partner used to; he had been part of the kink community, and we met at a polyamorous function that was the first dealings with that group for each of us. Neither of us was ready at that time to be together, though we maintained an online friendship for years until the stars aligned. After we had been a couple for several months, his libido settled into contentment. He said, "Its nice to not be walking around with a perpetual boner." I still have powerful and frequent needs, which i usually take care of on my own, & he's pointed out that I can still go the polyamorous route (which is more trouble than it's worth at this point). This is the best relationship either of us has ever had--so much that the sexual misalignment is only a minor problem.
I'll never understand why masturbating isn't enough for people. I've been single my whole life and because I always do that when I'm in the mood, I've never felt like there's anything lacking in my "sex life".
How long have they been together?
How would you consider the feelings of a new partner wanting to be your best friend when you already maintain that with an ex? Would it be considered to take a step back if a new partner and the old one might have to give space and freedom ( from a past, no children involved ) to a new bond forming. How realistic is it to remain best friends when life truly wants to move forward?
Are we saying we're best friends? I don't recall us saying that, and if we did then that is not the intent. We're friends. We're family. New spouses would be best friends and confidants.
I'm on on the slightly funny end of "What do you mean? Ofcourse they work it! They put genuine love and care in first place. Who wants their beloved to stay at the price of building resentment" and then I remember that is a frequent default. Which I do not aim to shame. Survival mechanisms are strong and rough to work through!
I guess I look at marriage differently… Biblically. You don’t just get divorced. Especially if you can work together. Marriage is for better or for worse… you are one… and few things (though there are reasons) should just cause you to walk away…. You don’t like being married is not one of those reasons.
Biblically the r@pist has to marry their victim. Married people aren't "one" and it's healthy to always remember that when you're married. You can be great partners while also having a lot of freedom individually.