Update: sadly they didn’t make it work and are divorcing. They handled it with grace and maturity and divorced before it ruined their friendship and co parenting abilities. The greatest lesson I have observed by watching them is : be honest with yourself and therefore others, or everything will fall apart eventually. It sounds like an oversimplification, but isn’t. If you watch their videos you will see what I mean. I wish them the best and appreciate all they can teach us if we let them. They are good and brave people.
@@Kdizzledub19They did the work to heal, then they decided the best was to get divorced BUT to keep being friends, business partners and of course co-parents who actually communicate and work together, you know, like mature people should.
You two are part of the few people that can make this kind of opposite marriage work. Because you are both aware of your differences and don't give up trying to understand each other
The part about Alicia saying: "you got more DVD:s than books" and Jonathans reaction could be from a sitcom like friends. Especially considering that he has revealed in another video that he vacuumed and dusted his appartment to make it more clean than ever to make a good first impression. That would make an hilarious scene.
My partner is a big feeler, and I'm a big thinker. So whenever my partner says something contradictory to what I say, believe, or value, I automatically (and mistakenly) assume it to be an argument. Like a take based in a logic. We fought a lot over things like this. I would attack his "argument," and he would take it as a personal attack. Because for him, he wasn't communicating an opinion or an argument, he was communicating a feeling. Still working on this. Recently, when I catch myself, I ask him first. "Are you trying to argue? Are you communicating a feeling? Is it something else?" This has been working pretty good because now I can approach what is being said differently.
Please could you elaborate those dialogs? I just can't imagine what would that be like, and I think I'm more of a logical person so this (understanding when it's a feeling and when an argument) is something I'm not aware of... An example (even made up) would really help.
@@walkingwith_dinosaurs Well, a bit about me, I am cognitively empathetic, not emotionally empathetic. This means, if someone is sad, mad, or happy, I do not feel what they feel. I understand what people are feeling based on facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc. So sometimes, when my partner is expressing a feeling, his body language and tone also lead me to conclude that it is an argument. The most recent one that sticks out, which is probably not the best example, and not word for word and not a great accounting of the conversation. He started going off about "why do gay people have to have a parade, I don't give a f*** if you're gay, etc." There's probably more to it that I'm missing, but overall, whatever he was saying, it sounded ignorant and maybe homophobic to me so I started arguing with him. This argument lasted about 45 minutes, but we were arguing different things. He was defending his feelings, which was his apathy as to whether or not someone is gay, and I was going on about the Stonewall riots. To him, I was forcing down his throat that he has to like all gay people, even if they're assholes, and to me, he was being ignorant and homophobic. Recently, we almost got into it again, (I forget what about), but I stopped myself and asked, "Are you expressing a feeling, or are you arguing?" He said he was expressing a feeling, and I stopped myself.
I've been so excited for this series, because I'm a Healer/Dreamer and my husband is a Closer/Thinker (with a little bit of dreamer sprinkled on top). We've agreed to watch the entire series together 💪😁
In my view, you should have gotten married. This is the lesson you both needed to learn, this was the way it happened. Maybe that makes the marrige 'success', even when it ends? (Though I don't support to view it on a success/failure scale.) Thank you for this chanel, for being open and sharing your experience, it helps me to get more insight into my own relationships... I wish you both to be well and to get what you need to thrive in your lives.
My wife and I have always been in that odd space where we have the same values in the main, but present entirely differently. She's all empathy and forgiveness, and I'm a bitter SOB. We definitely do balance each other out, but man it's taken a while to get here, especially when we have problems with anyone outside the marriage, since her instinct is to forgive no matter what, and mine is to cut people for one screw up.
Hey Johnathan, I saw the unfortunate news about your Aunt on Facebook and I just wanted to offer my condolences... thank you for still being able to come on here and make videos, even though you're going through a hard time right now. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you know how appreciated you are in this community 🤍🤍🤍
This was a great video! It's very admirable to see Jono take responsibility for the ways he's contributed to the issues in your marriage; however, I do think Alicia's contributions were brushed off a little bit in this video. In my opinion, she admitted some of her weaknesses, and that was met with a lot of empathy. Where as Jono's weaknesses were explored with so much depth, and not as much empathy, that it feels unfairly tilted in Alicia's favor. Just an observation. I love this channel and I admire you both for being so candid and brave with this series!
This is my marriage. We do not regret marrying each other, but we struggle with communication and support being so different. This is both consoling and helpful. I look forward to more for this series!
I'm very verbal when it comes to trouble shooting and my husband is not lol! We have learned that sometimes for me I just need him to sit and listen to me while I get it out and then he will ask what I need after I "verbally explode". Having a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (no license yet) I"M LOVING THIS!! Being a therapist in training you think you have to have it all figured out and we are just human too. Therapists also make the worst clients so kudos to our partners!
That comment about how the majority of personality types don't value logic and efficiency as much as they value meeting people's needs/having fun/etc. was eye opening for me (I'm pretty sure I'm a thinker/closer since I enjoy realing instruction manuals lmao). I'm gonna keep that in mind from now on. Thank you guys for that
Well it’s not always that straightforward as to majority of other personality types don’t value thinking or logic or efficiency as much as other things such as meeting people’s needs. Some people grow into balancing out all of the above. Start off by learning the 16 personality types. Then you can leave room for nuance in the spectrum of personalities in people you meet in real life.
We struggle with our avoidant/anxious attachment. We grew up completely different. He doesn’t understand how to validate and I’ve explained but it’s so foreign to him. He also doesn’t believe in needs, he believes all needs are just “wants”. He tries to shut down while I on the other hand want to discuss the issues we have. It’s hard. I love him so much and understand his upbringing wasn’t ideal. I’m trying hard to keep things going. I’m feeling resentful and I don’t want to be. I don’t even know how to stop feeling like this.
This must be hard for you, I’m so sorry. It’s valid to feel resentful because your needs aren’t being met. I hope therapy services could help him work through any past hurt and insecurities that make him shut down if he is open enough to consider that. But if not, focus on healing from this and finding ways to not let it hurt or get to you. I hope you can find further guidance than this.
One of the first relationships I have been in. We were both supporters. Except she just wanted to support me in whatever and I wanted her to have something in her life that she was doing aside from just supporting me so she could be her own person. We were in a class together at college on adult roles. And the professor pointed us out that he could tell we were in love and thought we showed the embodiment of love. Over time though we just decided we were too young and didn't understand each others love languages and decided that we didn't work. And she found someone who understood and fulfilled her love language.
Me and my boyfriend are complete opposites, I'm a dreamer/healer and he is a closer/thinker. And despite not being married at this point, we definitely plan to one day. So it's really helpful to learn about all these struggles that we can notice now in our relationship and start to work on them before we actually get married and have children of our own. I'm so glad to be alive at this time when we can search the internet for all these informations and we can watch videos on relationship experiences such as yours. Thank you for being so open and honest about your personal problems. I'm looking forward to your future videos. (sorry if something doesn't make sense, I'm not native speaker)
I’ve definitely married my opposite in a sense. He’s very organised (ENFJ) and I’m very much not (INFP). There have been a lot of clashes there. Especially as a woman, I struggle with feeling inept at not keeping an orderly house and orderly life like so many of my peers 😣 But at our cores, we are well matched and that’s what’s got us through :) I feel you about the ‘stay at home’ mum part, Alicia. I choose to work with children, in a childcare setting and I still find it WAY easier than being a stay at home mum. It drove me half mad.
This story reminds me so much of my sister and her boyfriend who's so kindhearted, like a brother to me, but he is always saying yes to her when everyone can see he confuses his dreams with hers. I wish I could do something because he's so right for my sister, but sometimes there's no other way to learn it than the hard way, I hope they'll go through the same path as you did.
My relationship was the same and after 7 years i decided to end it. Things just didn’t flow, we couldn’t really connect and so I’m now looking for someone on a more similar wavelength.
I'm single, and starting to look again after my last relationship ended badly, and then there was a pandemic. It took years for me to feel even a little bit ready to be with someone again. These videos are really helpful in my relating to people, with a committed relationship in mind. I'm enjoying immensely, getting some real affirmation on past relationships, and learning a lot. I have dated my opposite before, it's a challenge. And a half. Sometimes a girl needs a half.
I married my opposite, and it's work 😂 I'm a thinker, he's a dreamer, but we're both secondary closers. But we've found a happy place after coming to understand ourselves and each other.
I dont know what Jono & Alicia's journey holds for the future, but I'M glad they got married and are still married, and have shared what they have shared with us. Also, without Jalicia / Jonicia? there would likely be no Mended Light or Cinema Therapy (well, MAYBE Cinema Therapy!) 😂 and I know both, but especially Mended Light has been so helpful and useful for me. I've learned so many things from this channel in the way of what i consider to be basic life skills that I KNOW I never would've have learned or been exposed to otherwise.
I think the coolest thing about this is that yall are talking and working on the relationship. Also it shows that yall aint perfect yall have struggles. Which is eye opening.
This is just about 100% my marriage to my current husband. I'm a thinker/closer. He's a dreamer/healer. The struggle is REAL. So of course I'm going to throw in my chips with the "absolutely" side of the marriage question BUT with the very clear mindset of "we're almost never going to speak the same language and will eventually need someone to interpret when it gets rough" lol.
Even though I’m now painfully heartbroken and severely depressed, I’m glad I’m old enough to have married the love of my life BEFORE all this therapy/self-help content was widely available. Because of my exposure to this content, I’ll never remarry. If I’d been exposed to it 20 years ago, I never would have seen myself as able to ever get married. Now, despite my broken heart and fractured mind, I have beautiful memories to last my final few months of life.
This has been a great thing. I think knowing you’re different personalities means you can learn from each other rather than trying to change each other.
My husband and I are very different to you guys but Im still finding this very interesting. I am an INFP, he is an INTP, so we are actually VERY similar in a lot of ways. I think in terms of your personality types, I would be a healer/thinker (with some dreamer tendencies occasionally too) and he would be a thinker/healer/occasional dreamer too - so the only difference is in our primary function. That means that we actually dont have much of that closer energy in our marriage at all, and struggle to actually get anything much done. I think if it comes down to it, we can both step into that closer role, but neither of us find it comfortable and soon retreat to our familiar roles. So I think marrying your opposite would definitely come with a lot of challenges and I am enjoying hearing about them, but at the same time, I almost envy the ying/yang of your relationship compared to mine where we are SO similar that sometimes, our weaknesses come up at the same time and we can get stuck in huge ruts. Anyway, super fun video, I look forward to the rest of the series!
You didn’t need a single stay at home parent. There’s daycare, babysitting, grandparents, etc. I’m of the firm belief neither parent needs to sacrifice their career
I disagree if that statement applies to all cases. Maybe Jon and Alicia could have considered that. Maybe they actually did. But this isn’t ideal for every married person, especially if the person in the marriage doesn’t mind if they are fully ok with not investing in their career right? If you do mind and you’re not aware of it or fully being honest about it, yes that is an issue in the marriage. However, there are plenty of men and women who want to stay home with the kids and be the ones raising them instead of other people outside of the house. Grandparents can be helpful but not reliable or an option for everyone. Some are too tired from being old and having already raised their own grown kids. Others just pamper them too much or don’t create a routine in the same way the parents would like to with their kids.
Thia sounds exactly like the relationship I had for over six years. We had a buisness together and kids and a lot of struggles from outside and were complete oppositis. The thing that broke us in the end, was that despite a lot of talking, nothing changend in the way we handlend the kids and the house, to the point, that he oppenly lied to me. My Mom died not long ago, I was not getting any emotional support from him, I helped my father with their buisness, so I worked 10+ hours and had to take care of two little children, who lost their Grandma whom they were really close to, and came home to open lies and in that moment I snapped... When I'm looking back, maybe if the circumstances were diffrent, I would have done it diffrently, but I was at a breaking point, and in this moment I saw no other way...
This is so enlightening. When Jono mentioned that his expectations rose from the way he was raised, I felt like I had a minor revelation in regards to my own relationships. I'm glad you guys got married, if only to serve your audience. :)
I have this same personality combo in marriage, me being the dreamer/healer. Autonomy is the hard one for me. I spent my entire childhood unconsciously learning that what I wanted wasn't important or valued so I learned to tag along and be content with that. My husband saw this in me and is just begging me to be a more driving force in our dynamic. It's a struggle but I never stop being thankful that he saw that in me. It's been really healing to learn my autonomy matters.
I think you guys have a good marriage. I get a little baffled by people that divorce simply because their marriage has a slump. I think you should expect there will be times where you have hard conversations, and you should expect there to be times where the marriage feels more like work instead of something beautiful, you should even expect feelings to come and go and come again. So long as you both keep at it though, and work through your problems together, then I think there’s a good chance you should be able to get through it stronger than before. And when you do get through it stronger than before, you may remember all that work as exhausting, but also as being beautiful and meaningful in its own way.
Hi guys! I usually don't post comments on videos but I wanted to share this: Discovering you were an unmarried MFT made me feel very relieved, and that your longest at the time relationship was 3 months (woo~). Im beginning my MFT program and 26, have had one long term relationship, and dated to ultimately end in total heart break. Healing has been a journey but I am going out there in the world to experience dating because I thought.. Wouldn't it be ironic that Im going to become a MFT with no dating experience? Loved this video, and you two!
Omg I just got it. When she said “mm you have more dvds than books.” It’s kind of a hint to how he thrives in a more passive approach, and she notices more books because it requires the reader to do some mental gymnastics to grasp the image the author is trying to be to convey. Ergo, she’s more of a light wave and he’s more of a sound wave.
I'm primarily Dreamer, for sure! My next one might be Healer or Closer, I'm not sure. I definitely see a lot of the healer/mom energy in my life. However, I was the oldest in my family growing up with plenty of cousins, pets, and my little sister who all needed me to take care of them, and I tried really hard to do a good job, so maybe it's not so much innate as learned. I wasn't ever a very soft person even though I noticed and cared. More "you okay, yeah? Do you need an ice pack? Here, I snuck a candy for you when I was getting the ice pack. Now are you okay? Okay, no whining, let's go play some more!" And now I'm a SAHM, and my children need me to take care of them. And I will do whatever it takes, because I love them and my main priority is their well-being. So... I do emanate a mom energy, I pester friends and my (grown) baby sister to drink water, I think about how to coordinate the routine and regular feeding that children need with life and how to pack some fun into it so I don't feel dead inside. But I don't really care that much about being comfortable, and I don't enjoy taking care of everyone's physical needs. I just really want them to thrive because I love them. So I will do what it takes. My disorganized self, undiagnosed ADHD until after my kids were diagnosed when I was 36, managed to get on a schedule and stick with it! I loved being a sahm with little kids, I had a lot of fun and enjoyed everything except the feeding and cleaning parts. I organized a bunch of my acquaintances to have a "craft group" every other Wednesday where we'd make something while the kids rampaged around in the background. It was really good for all of us, and now we're friends for life and the kids feel like cousins. My kids are always a little sloppy looking, because it would never occur to me to force them to wear an outfit that I picked out against their wishes, and if they're too upset I'll skip hair brushing this time, or we were playing a game and it got late so now the bath has to be delayed in order to keep bedtime. But they're emotionally intelligent and have good people skills and participate in the work that helps the family. My husband is Thinker. I think he might be a dreamer, too, but we have very different dreams. He doesn't consider other people. I often feel like if I'd been a pushy, organized person he would have been really successful. I feel like he's cold and selfish. He's overwhelmed by chaos and noise. We feel like we can't both be happy at the same time. If we spend the weekend at home, barely speaking, the kids busy elsewhere, maybe we watch a movie together, he comes away refreshed and happy, and I feel completely wrung out and depleted. If on Saturday we play a board game together as a family, and work together in the yard and then I chase the kids around the house throwing wet sponges at them, with the next day church and a family gathering to follow, he feels like he's been through the wars. But I feel happy and loving, but with a hankering to now see my friends and maybe host a party next weekend, yes?!
I would say being with my opposite has pushed me to look at the areas of my life I did not want to face. I’m very much a doer like your wife , I’m all about setting goals and accomplishing. But I have a hard time looking at my partners behaviors the way I look at my own. I have a hard time over working myself , burning out. My partner is a dreamer. And ultimately his view in life with taking risks even when you don’t have all of your ducks in a row is what pushed me to pursue my dream career . Even though the first year you make absolutely nothing. I think being able to see the value of a perspective completely different from yours is incredibly growing and nurturing for the soul. And you cannot do that when you are with someone who is similar to you. Our partners job is to hold the mirror up to us , so we can see the beauty and ugly parts of ourselves without shame. And it goes both ways.
I shared the entire playlist with my husband hoping this will help us. We are starting marriage therapy of our own. We have only been married for 5 months and things are very difficult. We are so different and have no shared values. He doesn't know who he is and I very much know exactly who I am and what I want out of life. I really hope this at least helps us better understand each other so we can really give this marriage a fair chance.
How did you manage to get together without shared values? I'm genuinely curious, I had a relationship where we found out later on we had a very different ranking on the priorities of said values. We had a lot of similar values just different weight on level of priority for each one so our choices didn't line up.
I like the humor in the intro ^-^ Also, I have never clicked on a video so fast (within 2 mins of posting), haha. Been excited to watch it since your first video in this series! [Edit]: It's INCREDIBLE how much this marriage forced you both to grow by having to use the opposite of what you unknowingly over-relied on! Thank you so much for such an honest and vulnerable series, it's so valuable, as I'm sure the lessons in this difficult yet likely necessary path have been! You both wouldn't be who you are today if it wasn't for each other. 💜
Guys you both made me cry, though I'm not married, I resonated with your experience in so many levels, all I got to say is thanks to both of you because of that I feel understood, and I can understand others better, I send love to both of you
My problem is that my husband and I are both dreamers and healers but we still have different needs and expectations that clash . We both tend to not feel respected by one another
This is so great and honorable of you guys to put your own real life issues out there to try and help us. Thank you for that because you definitely don’t need to. But let me tell you. As someone who has been w a man who is the exact opposite from me.. this is very helpful! So thank you
You talked about "the conversations you're supposed to have" before marriage, could this be made into a full video? Requested by someone who's boyfriend asked for examples of engagement rings I like 😅
My SO and i are opposites as well with different communication styles. Throw in how we both have different native languages, communication is definitely an issue. But we love each other immensely and work through things. It helps that he's extremely patient and chill in general
This content was fantastic. My husband and I relate very much to being opposites. I believe the key to our enduring love and connection is "turning toward" each other over and over. I'm going to watch any of these videos you put out because just watching (and reading comments) to see similarities to my own experience is reassuring and puts things into perspective.
First of all thanks for sharing this. I can relate. My husband and I have similar personalities as you two. It's been very hard, that's an understatement. We've been married for 15 years and have three kids. The kids are the only thing that have kept me here the last 3 years.
Communication. That’s how I deal with being married to my opposite. When we got married we thought we were so much alike, little did we know…😂 But communicating and working towards goals together. Supporting each other in our individual goals. Participating in things the other likes that we don’t necessarily enjoy simply to spend time with one another. Just little things that we work on to keep making it work. If you two hadn’t gotten married this channel wouldn’t exist, so, you definitely should’ve gotten married. :)
Hah, I literally had turned on this video, played the first few seconds, then decided I wanted popcorn so hit pause and went and made some. 0:50 sure threw me for a loop (are you guys watching me through my Google Home??) 😂
Honestly the love you have for each other is truly inspiring and I think you two are very compatible in your own unique ways. You have worked hard to get to know each other and in that process you both have grown as individuals. I think that is the way a relationship should be!
Thank you for doing these! I’m a healer/dreamer where my stepdad is a closer/thinker. This helps me understand and appreciate his perspective and take on various things and why we can sometimes clash/how to work around that.
Honestly I'm gonna look into your program seriously now. I love seeing your relationship with each other and I so appreciate how vulnerable y'all are with us, it's really relieving to hear that y'all have had such major struggles. My wife and I are the most opposite people either of us have met. Clear down to native language, we have almost nothing in common whatsoever. I'm not exaggerating when I say if we sat down and really tried we could probably count the things we have in common. It comes with lots of positives like being able to experience new things and have opportunities to grow, but on the flip side those growing pains are HORRIBLE and our weaknesses are as complimentary as our strengths are. I feel at a loss for what to do, and it breaks my heart because I know we could be great but we're taking on water fast and I can't find a bucket for the life of me.
I could never be a stay at home mom. I made that choice for myself and I'm SO happy I did. My career and the freedom to pursue my interests and creative endeavors have made my life happy for it.
So my spouse and I lived together for a year before we got married and I'm really glad we did! Because when we were first moving in together, I was sure we were very opposite each other and I was not as secure as I wanted to be in our relationship. But: after moving out of my moms house (I love my mom but her house was chaotic and not conducive to feeling safe and secure) and got to live with my spouse who is very even keeled (I wasn't and that was one of the things I was worries about - would they still love me even through my big feelings) and who made me feel loved and safe always, I was able to get my anxiety more under control and I realized that actually: we were more similar than I thought. What I was seeing as big differences in temperament and lifestyle preferences was actually my untreated mental illnesses pretending to be personality traits.
Weirdly enough, I found this helpful becuase of my parents relationship. They probably will never be willing to drop their ego to solve this type of problem but you identifying that this can be worked though is rewarding to hear. You both described my parents relationship and that helps me because I have felt that relationships are doomed becuase of how theirs r but to see an actual person in that type of personality work to fix it gives me up for my future self in relationships of my own
I always thought I was the dreamer but hearing you describe the personality types, I'm actually more of a closer and my husband is a bigger dreamer, and I help him plan how we're going to make his(our) dreams happen. Though I'm more hesitant to jump into big changes and my husband dreams BIG.
I am really glad for this because I have been asking myself this. We love each other and both of us are dreamer personality types. We naïvely thought that as long as there’s love and we both make effort, there’s hope. And while that’s not incorrect, it doesn’t look at the full picture. Also we are so different in backgrounds. Anyway I’m glad to see you guys be so open and honest in your struggles and you guys are your best success story. Thank you for making this video and also for having the complimentary session. My husband and I used it and we have since been able to find a counselor in the area we can afford. We’re working on things, 2 year anniversary this month 😊
I love this series. I had come to really respect and admire Jono from watching Cinema therapy over the past 6 mo and now watching this is so comforting - knowing they even someone who is a therapist struggles in their relationship sometimes makes me feel so much less terrible about my own relationship struggles. It also helps that I am very much like Alicia and my partner is like Jono - so it's really resonating with me. ❤
Jonathan!! Greetings from Houston Tx. Very happy to see this new series, my wife and I love Cinema Therapy. Thank you for doing this, my wife and I are exact opposites and oddly enough she has your wife's closer personality and I am as dreamer as well. Thank you for being so transparent, it's helpful to know that others struggle the same. I was shocked to her the same marriage struggles even down to some of the same expressions.
I think both of you did everything right in terms of having the correct environment for having children. I think your marriage was successful based on who you both are, and how you are caring for your children. Divorces are not failure.
My husband and I are opposite on paper. But when discussing our goals through counseling we found that we were still aligned on the same path. Our goals aligned and our differences in how we approached those goals were what really made us a great match.
Hi Jono and Alicia! Recently got a membership myself after watching this video and I feel I have gained a better knowledge of myself. Surprisingly, I think I would say I have three dominant types, because two of them were exactly equal (Thinker & Healer) and Dreamer being my next dominant. The explanations definitely helped me gain a better understanding of myself. Thank you both!
Honestly, I don't know if I can relate. My husband and I are definitely opposites. I'm an MFT as well and he's a software engineer. He's an INTJ and I'm an ENFJ. I'm strongly emotive and he's strongly logic oriented. I joke he's a vulcan. But I think where it's most important, we usually align a lot. Where we tend to try to allow the other space to do their thing too. We've been married for 5 years and I can only think of a handful of times that we've had serious arguments and most of those were in the first year.
Thank you to you both for being so vulnerable, sharing your struggles, and being willing to share things a lot of people are too afraid to discuss with others. I just started following your channel and have watched many videos already. I have learned so much. ❤
You guys basically described almost every aspect of struggle in my marriage with my ENFJ wife (I'm INFP) LOL. We were floored watching and listening to every similarity. My wife is very similar to Alicia as far as having more relationship experience and having big dreams of humanitarian travel, living by the water, and being a doer (though I think she's a healer/closer...is that a thing?). Meanwhile, Jono might as well be the white version of me in both personality and life experience LOL (only difference is I became a graphic designer instead of a therapist...though I wonder if I should switch to that sometimes). Thank you both for sharing your experiences and insights!!! Very helpful!
My husband seems like a Dreamer (I don’t know that he has a secondary) and I’m maybe a Healer Closer. And what you said about “We were both speaking English but we were not communicating” really strikes home with me. That’s been a struggle throughout our marriage so far, is that one of us will say something, but we’ll each have our own interpretation. So then we get frustrated because we thought we understood each other but we didn’t actually. I have so much else I could say and so many questions I could ask, but thank you for making these videos. It’s hopeful to me to see and hear how a married couple who are opposites are finding strategies to make it work. My husband and I are trying our best to make things work, too.
The way my sweetheart and I are opposites of each other, I call 'perpendicular parallels'. Where for me, the answer is to go straight forward to realize the goal, somehow he gets to the same place by going sideways. My way doesn't work for him, and his way doesn't work for me (in fact, it truly boggles my mind!)... and yet we both get there. It's a way of acknowledging that our strengths and values are equivalent, even while we cannot fathom how the other one's works. It's an interesting challenge to work as a team. :)
In general, they say that “birds of a feather flock together.” In other words, you’re more likely to be successful in a relationship when you seek out a significant other who is similar to you. Life can be so difficult and challenging outside of marriage that it’s easier to marry your similar rather than your opposite. However, it sounds like you guys were able to challenge each other to grow as individuals in ways that you might not have grown had you married people who were similar to you. Because you were committed to understanding and meeting each other’s needs while also staying committed to your own values and goals. That’s amazing!
omg i can't wait for your next video!! My boyfriend is a dreamer and I'm a healer (and a type 7 and 4 in the enneagram, respectively), and it feels like we're opposites sometimes. Our main struggle was how different our sensitivity levels are, like my feelings get hurt pretty easily and I feel things very very intensely compared to him. He had a similar moment as you, Alicia, when through me he realized not everyone experiences feelings the same way as he does. He was literally shocked to see me so upset and emotional about idontevenrememberwhat, when if he had been in my position it would have been a minor issue. As a result he's become more considerate and empathic than he already was, he's also very patient when I'm processing one of my big emotions and is just there for me giving me comfort and listening to me. On the other hand, through him I've learnt to not take things as seriously, to be more laidback, to enjoy life more... I love how much we grow through relationships, and I treasure my "opposite" partner very much. Thank you guys for your vulnerability and generosity sharing all this with us, I'm learning so so much from both of you!! Yes there's a lot of struggles in any relationship, but when you lead with love respect and a willingness to grow you'll always be in a good path.
I love this I just got married two months ago and already I feel like there's so many things that are so different and then I'm learning to take on differently
These things all sound very familiar to me in my relationship but they’re all kind of jumbled based on who experiences what. I think part of what has made things work for us (on my side) is my self awareness and understanding of the human psyche (thanks to childhood trauma, it became a coping mechanism) and my husband’s willingness (if after some heel digging) to shift and grow from that information. On his side, his consistency, stability, and contentiousness give me something greater to strive for (at least I try my best). We also give each other a lot of grace. I’ve also done A LOT of therapy work (EMDR and ADHD diagnosis) which has helped me understand myself more and I bring that back into our relationship. It helps him understand me and our differences and I can help him with the things he should probably be going to therapy for (including his relationship with his mom who is extremely similar to me). Lol I’m hoping I’ll get him there someday when he’s ready. But in the meantime, I’m proud of us for the strides we’ve made and continue to make in our differences, arguing style, and life goals.
This was so honest and helpful! I've avoided getting into a new relationahip for years because I was afraid it would be as hard as it was in my marriage and now it has merged into me being afraid that I don't have relational skills and I hesitate to try for that reason.😅 I have realized this is not necessary and some emotional pain will come with the territory. But in a good relationship it's worth it
I sincerely thought I was a healer but hearing her speak really resonates with me. I think I might be somewhere in between the two of you. However, I am very kind and empathetic by nature (I THINK) but I struggle with stay-at-home Mom at times too. I work pt but kids are insane, especially as toddlers. I have been in the process of trying to logistically accomplish my goals (what I term as conscientiousness) for a few years now and it's starting to come very naturally to me, maybe more so than the empathy at this point, although I have always functioned as a dreamer type in my youth. I'm confused. Lol PS Thank you for opening up about this.
Watching this really made me realize just how much all my trauma and life experiences have kinda warped my base personality. I'm an INFP but I am a pessimist and go into things only after thinking through everything and trying to calculate the likelihood success based of possible external factors but also what I know I'm able to do and handle. For me it will be hard to get into a relationship much less maintain one so I have given alot of thought into what other people would require in a relationship and what I can possibly change and compromise but also what I can't compromise and my expectations as well. I've always wanted to get married and have children but I sadly don't think it will be happening not just based of trauma and mental health issues but my disability and how all of it affects how difficult my life is and hard it would be to find someone willing to work through it with me.
Thank you for this great series!🤩 even though I don't believe in personal types I believe in differences of people's perspectives on world and life. Having watched this I think I'd rather chose someone similar to me then someone completing me, because I'm neither an lmft nor Alisia 😅 but I'm really glad for you guys for overcoming those really heavy challenges!
Very impress with your bravery... I have no words. ... I think that the title of the video is very hard. You're the couple, you don't have a violence relantionship... Others people don't have the right to judge or decide or question... I feel bad that you feel that you have to answer that to the people. But I think is important to understand that a healthy relationship so many times isn't a easy relationship. Became healthy because both persons works in themselve and the relationship. People need to know that in a culture where couple relationship are evolving, because ours views of gender, sexuality and human rights are evolving and that is shaking the forms of being partners... And that is very hard. As always, good video! Pd: and sorry for my english.
... but I don't know much about it. I am very interested in the dynamic of the less relationship experience with one who is more familiar with being partnered with someone. I always thought it wouldn't work.
I love, love, love this series. I believe there are no perfect relationships. And I love to hear how people come out on the other end even when things aren't ideal. I do not expect perfect for myself, I expect a teammate
As a enxp, he a intj .. wow so similar.. me immature how I see life, him plan, reality , structure, me oh a butterfly.. love how open u are.. its weird how different people can help you grow .. who are so different I can so relate to this . Jes my shadow functions, hes very much yr wife, goals, efficiency, im more short term of 5 mins
Update: sadly they didn’t make it work and are divorcing. They handled it with grace and maturity and divorced before it ruined their friendship and co parenting abilities. The greatest lesson I have observed by watching them is : be honest with yourself and therefore others, or everything will fall apart eventually. It sounds like an oversimplification, but isn’t. If you watch their videos you will see what I mean. I wish them the best and appreciate all they can teach us if we let them. They are good and brave people.
Sad.
Sadge.
What are you talking about? they are still doing videos together.
@@Kdizzledub19 yes, even though divorced, they are continuing to do videos together. I think that is very mature of them.
@@Kdizzledub19They did the work to heal, then they decided the best was to get divorced BUT to keep being friends, business partners and of course co-parents who actually communicate and work together, you know, like mature people should.
You two are part of the few people that can make this kind of opposite marriage work. Because you are both aware of your differences and don't give up trying to understand each other
they just got separated😬
Except that they are getting divorced.
The part about Alicia saying: "you got more DVD:s than books" and Jonathans reaction could be from a sitcom like friends. Especially considering that he has revealed in another video that he vacuumed and dusted his appartment to make it more clean than ever to make a good first impression. That would make an hilarious scene.
I've heard so many women say that being a stay at home parent was harder for them than working full time.
My partner is a big feeler, and I'm a big thinker. So whenever my partner says something contradictory to what I say, believe, or value, I automatically (and mistakenly) assume it to be an argument. Like a take based in a logic. We fought a lot over things like this. I would attack his "argument," and he would take it as a personal attack. Because for him, he wasn't communicating an opinion or an argument, he was communicating a feeling. Still working on this. Recently, when I catch myself, I ask him first. "Are you trying to argue? Are you communicating a feeling? Is it something else?" This has been working pretty good because now I can approach what is being said differently.
Please could you elaborate those dialogs? I just can't imagine what would that be like, and I think I'm more of a logical person so this (understanding when it's a feeling and when an argument) is something I'm not aware of... An example (even made up) would really help.
@@walkingwith_dinosaurs Well, a bit about me, I am cognitively empathetic, not emotionally empathetic. This means, if someone is sad, mad, or happy, I do not feel what they feel. I understand what people are feeling based on facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc. So sometimes, when my partner is expressing a feeling, his body language and tone also lead me to conclude that it is an argument.
The most recent one that sticks out, which is probably not the best example, and not word for word and not a great accounting of the conversation. He started going off about "why do gay people have to have a parade, I don't give a f*** if you're gay, etc." There's probably more to it that I'm missing, but overall, whatever he was saying, it sounded ignorant and maybe homophobic to me so I started arguing with him. This argument lasted about 45 minutes, but we were arguing different things. He was defending his feelings, which was his apathy as to whether or not someone is gay, and I was going on about the Stonewall riots. To him, I was forcing down his throat that he has to like all gay people, even if they're assholes, and to me, he was being ignorant and homophobic.
Recently, we almost got into it again, (I forget what about), but I stopped myself and asked, "Are you expressing a feeling, or are you arguing?" He said he was expressing a feeling, and I stopped myself.
I've been so excited for this series, because I'm a Healer/Dreamer and my husband is a Closer/Thinker (with a little bit of dreamer sprinkled on top). We've agreed to watch the entire series together 💪😁
where did you find these labels from? any quiz?
@@mehroshabid8007 from part one of this series.
In my view, you should have gotten married. This is the lesson you both needed to learn, this was the way it happened. Maybe that makes the marrige 'success', even when it ends? (Though I don't support to view it on a success/failure scale.)
Thank you for this chanel, for being open and sharing your experience, it helps me to get more insight into my own relationships...
I wish you both to be well and to get what you need to thrive in your lives.
I'm watching these videos while I try to reconcile with my ex wife. Things are hard, we're very different, but we're working on it.
My wife and I have always been in that odd space where we have the same values in the main, but present entirely differently. She's all empathy and forgiveness, and I'm a bitter SOB. We definitely do balance each other out, but man it's taken a while to get here, especially when we have problems with anyone outside the marriage, since her instinct is to forgive no matter what, and mine is to cut people for one screw up.
What does SOB mean?)
Ask Google
@@walkingwith_dinosaurs it's an acronym of Son Of a Bitch ^^'
@@trudyzire thanks cap, I'm not interested enough to bother
@@walkingwith_dinosaurs son of a bit** lol
Hey Johnathan, I saw the unfortunate news about your Aunt on Facebook and I just wanted to offer my condolences... thank you for still being able to come on here and make videos, even though you're going through a hard time right now. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you know how appreciated you are in this community 🤍🤍🤍
This was a great video!
It's very admirable to see Jono take responsibility for the ways he's contributed to the issues in your marriage; however, I do think Alicia's contributions were brushed off a little bit in this video.
In my opinion, she admitted some of her weaknesses, and that was met with a lot of empathy. Where as Jono's weaknesses were explored with so much depth, and not as much empathy, that it feels unfairly tilted in Alicia's favor.
Just an observation.
I love this channel and I admire you both for being so candid and brave with this series!
I agree.
This is my marriage. We do not regret marrying each other, but we struggle with communication and support being so different. This is both consoling and helpful. I look forward to more for this series!
This is so amazing to hear that even someone with your background and knowledge still struggles to live it out in practicality.
I'm very verbal when it comes to trouble shooting and my husband is not lol! We have learned that sometimes for me I just need him to sit and listen to me while I get it out and then he will ask what I need after I "verbally explode". Having a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (no license yet) I"M LOVING THIS!! Being a therapist in training you think you have to have it all figured out and we are just human too. Therapists also make the worst clients so kudos to our partners!
That comment about how the majority of personality types don't value logic and efficiency as much as they value meeting people's needs/having fun/etc. was eye opening for me (I'm pretty sure I'm a thinker/closer since I enjoy realing instruction manuals lmao). I'm gonna keep that in mind from now on. Thank you guys for that
Well it’s not always that straightforward as to majority of other personality types don’t value thinking or logic or efficiency as much as other things such as meeting people’s needs. Some people grow into balancing out all of the above. Start off by learning the 16 personality types. Then you can leave room for nuance in the spectrum of personalities in people you meet in real life.
We struggle with our avoidant/anxious attachment. We grew up completely different. He doesn’t understand how to validate and I’ve explained but it’s so foreign to him. He also doesn’t believe in needs, he believes all needs are just “wants”. He tries to shut down while I on the other hand want to discuss the issues we have. It’s hard. I love him so much and understand his upbringing wasn’t ideal. I’m trying hard to keep things going. I’m feeling resentful and I don’t want to be. I don’t even know how to stop feeling like this.
This must be hard for you, I’m so sorry. It’s valid to feel resentful because your needs aren’t being met. I hope therapy services could help him work through any past hurt and insecurities that make him shut down if he is open enough to consider that. But if not, focus on healing from this and finding ways to not let it hurt or get to you. I hope you can find further guidance than this.
One of the first relationships I have been in. We were both supporters. Except she just wanted to support me in whatever and I wanted her to have something in her life that she was doing aside from just supporting me so she could be her own person. We were in a class together at college on adult roles. And the professor pointed us out that he could tell we were in love and thought we showed the embodiment of love. Over time though we just decided we were too young and didn't understand each others love languages and decided that we didn't work. And she found someone who understood and fulfilled her love language.
Me and my boyfriend are complete opposites, I'm a dreamer/healer and he is a closer/thinker. And despite not being married at this point, we definitely plan to one day. So it's really helpful to learn about all these struggles that we can notice now in our relationship and start to work on them before we actually get married and have children of our own. I'm so glad to be alive at this time when we can search the internet for all these informations and we can watch videos on relationship experiences such as yours. Thank you for being so open and honest about your personal problems. I'm looking forward to your future videos. (sorry if something doesn't make sense, I'm not native speaker)
I’ve definitely married my opposite in a sense. He’s very organised (ENFJ) and I’m very much not (INFP). There have been a lot of clashes there. Especially as a woman, I struggle with feeling inept at not keeping an orderly house and orderly life like so many of my peers 😣
But at our cores, we are well matched and that’s what’s got us through :)
I feel you about the ‘stay at home’ mum part, Alicia.
I choose to work with children, in a childcare setting and I still find it WAY easier than being a stay at home mum. It drove me half mad.
This story reminds me so much of my sister and her boyfriend who's so kindhearted, like a brother to me, but he is always saying yes to her when everyone can see he confuses his dreams with hers. I wish I could do something because he's so right for my sister, but sometimes there's no other way to learn it than the hard way, I hope they'll go through the same path as you did.
My relationship was the same and after 7 years i decided to end it. Things just didn’t flow, we couldn’t really connect and so I’m now looking for someone on a more similar wavelength.
Married "multiple times"?? Alicia looks 30, I'm having terrible reconciling this 😅
I'm single, and starting to look again after my last relationship ended badly, and then there was a pandemic. It took years for me to feel even a little bit ready to be with someone again. These videos are really helpful in my relating to people, with a committed relationship in mind. I'm enjoying immensely, getting some real affirmation on past relationships, and learning a lot. I have dated my opposite before, it's a challenge. And a half. Sometimes a girl needs a half.
Same, and nice Sex and the City reference!
I married my opposite, and it's work 😂 I'm a thinker, he's a dreamer, but we're both secondary closers. But we've found a happy place after coming to understand ourselves and each other.
I dont know what Jono & Alicia's journey holds for the future, but I'M glad they got married and are still married, and have shared what they have shared with us. Also, without Jalicia / Jonicia? there would likely be no Mended Light or Cinema Therapy (well, MAYBE Cinema Therapy!) 😂 and I know both, but especially Mended Light has been so helpful and useful for me.
I've learned so many things from this channel in the way of what i consider to be basic life skills that I KNOW I never would've have learned or been exposed to otherwise.
I think the coolest thing about this is that yall are talking and working on the relationship. Also it shows that yall aint perfect yall have struggles. Which is eye opening.
This is just about 100% my marriage to my current husband. I'm a thinker/closer. He's a dreamer/healer. The struggle is REAL. So of course I'm going to throw in my chips with the "absolutely" side of the marriage question BUT with the very clear mindset of "we're almost never going to speak the same language and will eventually need someone to interpret when it gets rough" lol.
Even though I’m now painfully heartbroken and severely depressed, I’m glad I’m old enough to have married the love of my life BEFORE all this therapy/self-help content was widely available.
Because of my exposure to this content, I’ll never remarry. If I’d been exposed to it 20 years ago, I never would have seen myself as able to ever get married.
Now, despite my broken heart and fractured mind, I have beautiful memories to last my final few months of life.
This has been a great thing. I think knowing you’re different personalities means you can learn from each other rather than trying to change each other.
My husband and I are very different to you guys but Im still finding this very interesting. I am an INFP, he is an INTP, so we are actually VERY similar in a lot of ways. I think in terms of your personality types, I would be a healer/thinker (with some dreamer tendencies occasionally too) and he would be a thinker/healer/occasional dreamer too - so the only difference is in our primary function. That means that we actually dont have much of that closer energy in our marriage at all, and struggle to actually get anything much done.
I think if it comes down to it, we can both step into that closer role, but neither of us find it comfortable and soon retreat to our familiar roles.
So I think marrying your opposite would definitely come with a lot of challenges and I am enjoying hearing about them, but at the same time, I almost envy the ying/yang of your relationship compared to mine where we are SO similar that sometimes, our weaknesses come up at the same time and we can get stuck in huge ruts.
Anyway, super fun video, I look forward to the rest of the series!
You didn’t need a single stay at home parent. There’s daycare, babysitting, grandparents, etc. I’m of the firm belief neither parent needs to sacrifice their career
I disagree if that statement applies to all cases. Maybe Jon and Alicia could have considered that. Maybe they actually did. But this isn’t ideal for every married person, especially if the person in the marriage doesn’t mind if they are fully ok with not investing in their career right? If you do mind and you’re not aware of it or fully being honest about it, yes that is an issue in the marriage. However, there are plenty of men and women who want to stay home with the kids and be the ones raising them instead of other people outside of the house. Grandparents can be helpful but not reliable or an option for everyone. Some are too tired from being old and having already raised their own grown kids. Others just pamper them too much or don’t create a routine in the same way the parents would like to with their kids.
Thia sounds exactly like the relationship I had for over six years. We had a buisness together and kids and a lot of struggles from outside and were complete oppositis. The thing that broke us in the end, was that despite a lot of talking, nothing changend in the way we handlend the kids and the house, to the point, that he oppenly lied to me. My Mom died not long ago, I was not getting any emotional support from him, I helped my father with their buisness, so I worked 10+ hours and had to take care of two little children, who lost their Grandma whom they were really close to, and came home to open lies and in that moment I snapped... When I'm looking back, maybe if the circumstances were diffrent, I would have done it diffrently, but I was at a breaking point, and in this moment I saw no other way...
I personally relate to this dynamic so much! I’m not married, but I feel like this is me and my boyfriend. Thank you so much for your vulnerability!
I love how sneaky Alicia's sense of humour is. Just sneaks up on you and catches you off guard.
This is so enlightening. When Jono mentioned that his expectations rose from the way he was raised, I felt like I had a minor revelation in regards to my own relationships.
I'm glad you guys got married, if only to serve your audience. :)
I have this same personality combo in marriage, me being the dreamer/healer. Autonomy is the hard one for me. I spent my entire childhood unconsciously learning that what I wanted wasn't important or valued so I learned to tag along and be content with that. My husband saw this in me and is just begging me to be a more driving force in our dynamic. It's a struggle but I never stop being thankful that he saw that in me. It's been really healing to learn my autonomy matters.
I think you guys have a good marriage. I get a little baffled by people that divorce simply because their marriage has a slump. I think you should expect there will be times where you have hard conversations, and you should expect there to be times where the marriage feels more like work instead of something beautiful, you should even expect feelings to come and go and come again. So long as you both keep at it though, and work through your problems together, then I think there’s a good chance you should be able to get through it stronger than before. And when you do get through it stronger than before, you may remember all that work as exhausting, but also as being beautiful and meaningful in its own way.
They got divorced. 😞😞
@@misspriss2482 I heard. Sounds like they are both handling it in a healthy way though
Hi guys! I usually don't post comments on videos but I wanted to share this: Discovering you were an unmarried MFT made me feel very relieved, and that your longest at the time relationship was 3 months (woo~). Im beginning my MFT program and 26, have had one long term relationship, and dated to ultimately end in total heart break. Healing has been a journey but I am going out there in the world to experience dating because I thought.. Wouldn't it be ironic that Im going to become a MFT with no dating experience? Loved this video, and you two!
Omg I just got it. When she said “mm you have more dvds than books.” It’s kind of a hint to how he thrives in a more passive approach, and she notices more books because it requires the reader to do some mental gymnastics to grasp the image the author is trying to be to convey. Ergo, she’s more of a light wave and he’s more of a sound wave.
I'm primarily Dreamer, for sure! My next one might be Healer or Closer, I'm not sure. I definitely see a lot of the healer/mom energy in my life. However, I was the oldest in my family growing up with plenty of cousins, pets, and my little sister who all needed me to take care of them, and I tried really hard to do a good job, so maybe it's not so much innate as learned. I wasn't ever a very soft person even though I noticed and cared. More "you okay, yeah? Do you need an ice pack? Here, I snuck a candy for you when I was getting the ice pack. Now are you okay? Okay, no whining, let's go play some more!"
And now I'm a SAHM, and my children need me to take care of them. And I will do whatever it takes, because I love them and my main priority is their well-being. So... I do emanate a mom energy, I pester friends and my (grown) baby sister to drink water, I think about how to coordinate the routine and regular feeding that children need with life and how to pack some fun into it so I don't feel dead inside. But I don't really care that much about being comfortable, and I don't enjoy taking care of everyone's physical needs. I just really want them to thrive because I love them. So I will do what it takes. My disorganized self, undiagnosed ADHD until after my kids were diagnosed when I was 36, managed to get on a schedule and stick with it!
I loved being a sahm with little kids, I had a lot of fun and enjoyed everything except the feeding and cleaning parts. I organized a bunch of my acquaintances to have a "craft group" every other Wednesday where we'd make something while the kids rampaged around in the background. It was really good for all of us, and now we're friends for life and the kids feel like cousins. My kids are always a little sloppy looking, because it would never occur to me to force them to wear an outfit that I picked out against their wishes, and if they're too upset I'll skip hair brushing this time, or we were playing a game and it got late so now the bath has to be delayed in order to keep bedtime. But they're emotionally intelligent and have good people skills and participate in the work that helps the family.
My husband is Thinker. I think he might be a dreamer, too, but we have very different dreams. He doesn't consider other people. I often feel like if I'd been a pushy, organized person he would have been really successful. I feel like he's cold and selfish. He's overwhelmed by chaos and noise.
We feel like we can't both be happy at the same time. If we spend the weekend at home, barely speaking, the kids busy elsewhere, maybe we watch a movie together, he comes away refreshed and happy, and I feel completely wrung out and depleted.
If on Saturday we play a board game together as a family, and work together in the yard and then I chase the kids around the house throwing wet sponges at them, with the next day church and a family gathering to follow, he feels like he's been through the wars. But I feel happy and loving, but with a hankering to now see my friends and maybe host a party next weekend, yes?!
Ok, so now I cry, and I'm going to ask my husband to watch this with me... Thank you so much.
Watching this after the divorce announcement, but much of this still applies to sustaining a healthy friendship and coparenting relationship
I would say being with my opposite has pushed me to look at the areas of my life I did not want to face. I’m very much a doer like your wife , I’m all about setting goals and accomplishing. But I have a hard time looking at my partners behaviors the way I look at my own. I have a hard time over working myself , burning out. My partner is a dreamer. And ultimately his view in life with taking risks even when you don’t have all of your ducks in a row is what pushed me to pursue my dream career . Even though the first year you make absolutely nothing. I think being able to see the value of a perspective completely different from yours is incredibly growing and nurturing for the soul. And you cannot do that when you are with someone who is similar to you.
Our partners job is to hold the mirror up to us , so we can see the beauty and ugly parts of ourselves without shame. And it goes both ways.
I shared the entire playlist with my husband hoping this will help us. We are starting marriage therapy of our own. We have only been married for 5 months and things are very difficult. We are so different and have no shared values. He doesn't know who he is and I very much know exactly who I am and what I want out of life. I really hope this at least helps us better understand each other so we can really give this marriage a fair chance.
How did you manage to get together without shared values? I'm genuinely curious, I had a relationship where we found out later on we had a very different ranking on the priorities of said values. We had a lot of similar values just different weight on level of priority for each one so our choices didn't line up.
I like the humor in the intro ^-^ Also, I have never clicked on a video so fast (within 2 mins of posting), haha. Been excited to watch it since your first video in this series! [Edit]: It's INCREDIBLE how much this marriage forced you both to grow by having to use the opposite of what you unknowingly over-relied on! Thank you so much for such an honest and vulnerable series, it's so valuable, as I'm sure the lessons in this difficult yet likely necessary path have been! You both wouldn't be who you are today if it wasn't for each other. 💜
Guys you both made me cry, though I'm not married, I resonated with your experience in so many levels, all I got to say is thanks to both of you because of that I feel understood, and I can understand others better, I send love to both of you
Wickedly candid conversation really well done ❤
Not married but I’m still finding this helpful for explaining my responses to the struggles that I face. I would say the I am a helper/thinker
My problem is that my husband and I are both dreamers and healers but we still have different needs and expectations that clash . We both tend to not feel respected by one another
This is so great and honorable of you guys to put your own real life issues out there to try and help us. Thank you for that because you definitely don’t need to. But let me tell you. As someone who has been w a man who is the exact opposite from me.. this is very helpful! So thank you
You talked about "the conversations you're supposed to have" before marriage, could this be made into a full video? Requested by someone who's boyfriend asked for examples of engagement rings I like 😅
My SO and i are opposites as well with different communication styles. Throw in how we both have different native languages, communication is definitely an issue. But we love each other immensely and work through things. It helps that he's extremely patient and chill in general
This content was fantastic. My husband and I relate very much to being opposites. I believe the key to our enduring love and connection is "turning toward" each other over and over. I'm going to watch any of these videos you put out because just watching (and reading comments) to see similarities to my own experience is reassuring and puts things into perspective.
First of all thanks for sharing this. I can relate. My husband and I have similar personalities as you two. It's been very hard, that's an understatement. We've been married for 15 years and have three kids. The kids are the only thing that have kept me here the last 3 years.
Communication. That’s how I deal with being married to my opposite. When we got married we thought we were so much alike, little did we know…😂 But communicating and working towards goals together. Supporting each other in our individual goals. Participating in things the other likes that we don’t necessarily enjoy simply to spend time with one another. Just little things that we work on to keep making it work.
If you two hadn’t gotten married this channel wouldn’t exist, so, you definitely should’ve gotten married. :)
Hah, I literally had turned on this video, played the first few seconds, then decided I wanted popcorn so hit pause and went and made some. 0:50 sure threw me for a loop (are you guys watching me through my Google Home??) 😂
Honestly the love you have for each other is truly inspiring and I think you two are very compatible in your own unique ways. You have worked hard to get to know each other and in that process you both have grown as individuals. I think that is the way a relationship should be!
As someone who is unofficially separated right now, a lot of this really hits close to home.
Thank you for doing these! I’m a healer/dreamer where my stepdad is a closer/thinker. This helps me understand and appreciate his perspective and take on various things and why we can sometimes clash/how to work around that.
Honestly I'm gonna look into your program seriously now. I love seeing your relationship with each other and I so appreciate how vulnerable y'all are with us, it's really relieving to hear that y'all have had such major struggles. My wife and I are the most opposite people either of us have met. Clear down to native language, we have almost nothing in common whatsoever. I'm not exaggerating when I say if we sat down and really tried we could probably count the things we have in common. It comes with lots of positives like being able to experience new things and have opportunities to grow, but on the flip side those growing pains are HORRIBLE and our weaknesses are as complimentary as our strengths are. I feel at a loss for what to do, and it breaks my heart because I know we could be great but we're taking on water fast and I can't find a bucket for the life of me.
I could never be a stay at home mom. I made that choice for myself and I'm SO happy I did. My career and the freedom to pursue my interests and creative endeavors have made my life happy for it.
So my spouse and I lived together for a year before we got married and I'm really glad we did! Because when we were first moving in together, I was sure we were very opposite each other and I was not as secure as I wanted to be in our relationship. But: after moving out of my moms house (I love my mom but her house was chaotic and not conducive to feeling safe and secure) and got to live with my spouse who is very even keeled (I wasn't and that was one of the things I was worries about - would they still love me even through my big feelings) and who made me feel loved and safe always, I was able to get my anxiety more under control and I realized that actually: we were more similar than I thought. What I was seeing as big differences in temperament and lifestyle preferences was actually my untreated mental illnesses pretending to be personality traits.
Weirdly enough, I found this helpful becuase of my parents relationship. They probably will never be willing to drop their ego to solve this type of problem but you identifying that this can be worked though is rewarding to hear. You both described my parents relationship and that helps me because I have felt that relationships are doomed becuase of how theirs r but to see an actual person in that type of personality work to fix it gives me up for my future self in relationships of my own
I always thought I was the dreamer but hearing you describe the personality types, I'm actually more of a closer and my husband is a bigger dreamer, and I help him plan how we're going to make his(our) dreams happen. Though I'm more hesitant to jump into big changes and my husband dreams BIG.
This is very relatable. We've been talking about over/under functioning for a couple months now.
I am really glad for this because I have been asking myself this. We love each other and both of us are dreamer personality types. We naïvely thought that as long as there’s love and we both make effort, there’s hope. And while that’s not incorrect, it doesn’t look at the full picture. Also we are so different in backgrounds. Anyway I’m glad to see you guys be so open and honest in your struggles and you guys are your best success story. Thank you for making this video and also for having the complimentary session. My husband and I used it and we have since been able to find a counselor in the area we can afford. We’re working on things, 2 year anniversary this month 😊
I love this series. I had come to really respect and admire Jono from watching Cinema therapy over the past 6 mo and now watching this is so comforting - knowing they even someone who is a therapist struggles in their relationship sometimes makes me feel so much less terrible about my own relationship struggles. It also helps that I am very much like Alicia and my partner is like Jono - so it's really resonating with me. ❤
Jonathan!! Greetings from Houston Tx. Very happy to see this new series, my wife and I love Cinema Therapy. Thank you for doing this, my wife and I are exact opposites and oddly enough she has your wife's closer personality and I am as dreamer as well. Thank you for being so transparent, it's helpful to know that others struggle the same. I was shocked to her the same marriage struggles even down to some of the same expressions.
I think both of you did everything right in terms of having the correct environment for having children.
I think your marriage was successful based on who you both are, and how you are caring for your children.
Divorces are not failure.
Thank you so much for this.
Your wife is stunning!!!
My husband and I are opposite on paper. But when discussing our goals through counseling we found that we were still aligned on the same path.
Our goals aligned and our differences in how we approached those goals were what really made us a great match.
Hi Jono and Alicia! Recently got a membership myself after watching this video and I feel I have gained a better knowledge of myself. Surprisingly, I think I would say I have three dominant types, because two of them were exactly equal (Thinker & Healer) and Dreamer being my next dominant. The explanations definitely helped me gain a better understanding of myself. Thank you both!
Thank you, and thank you for joining the site!
I love this series. It is so helpful for developing my perspective and skills with my husband. ❤
Honestly, I don't know if I can relate. My husband and I are definitely opposites. I'm an MFT as well and he's a software engineer. He's an INTJ and I'm an ENFJ. I'm strongly emotive and he's strongly logic oriented. I joke he's a vulcan. But I think where it's most important, we usually align a lot. Where we tend to try to allow the other space to do their thing too. We've been married for 5 years and I can only think of a handful of times that we've had serious arguments and most of those were in the first year.
I really appreciate you being so open about this!
Thank you to you both for being so vulnerable, sharing your struggles, and being willing to share things a lot of people are too afraid to discuss with others. I just started following your channel and have watched many videos already. I have learned so much. ❤
Okay...this is the first open conversation I've ever seen in/about a marriage.
They both have such beautiful minds and souls
You guys basically described almost every aspect of struggle in my marriage with my ENFJ wife (I'm INFP) LOL. We were floored watching and listening to every similarity. My wife is very similar to Alicia as far as having more relationship experience and having big dreams of humanitarian travel, living by the water, and being a doer (though I think she's a healer/closer...is that a thing?). Meanwhile, Jono might as well be the white version of me in both personality and life experience LOL (only difference is I became a graphic designer instead of a therapist...though I wonder if I should switch to that sometimes). Thank you both for sharing your experiences and insights!!! Very helpful!
My husband seems like a Dreamer (I don’t know that he has a secondary) and I’m maybe a Healer Closer. And what you said about “We were both speaking English but we were not communicating” really strikes home with me.
That’s been a struggle throughout our marriage so far, is that one of us will say something, but we’ll each have our own interpretation. So then we get frustrated because we thought we understood each other but we didn’t actually.
I have so much else I could say and so many questions I could ask, but thank you for making these videos. It’s hopeful to me to see and hear how a married couple who are opposites are finding strategies to make it work. My husband and I are trying our best to make things work, too.
The way my sweetheart and I are opposites of each other, I call 'perpendicular parallels'. Where for me, the answer is to go straight forward to realize the goal, somehow he gets to the same place by going sideways. My way doesn't work for him, and his way doesn't work for me (in fact, it truly boggles my mind!)... and yet we both get there. It's a way of acknowledging that our strengths and values are equivalent, even while we cannot fathom how the other one's works.
It's an interesting challenge to work as a team. :)
In general, they say that “birds of a feather flock together.” In other words, you’re more likely to be successful in a relationship when you seek out a significant other who is similar to you. Life can be so difficult and challenging outside of marriage that it’s easier to marry your similar rather than your opposite. However, it sounds like you guys were able to challenge each other to grow as individuals in ways that you might not have grown had you married people who were similar to you. Because you were committed to understanding and meeting each other’s needs while also staying committed to your own values and goals. That’s amazing!
I love and appreciate you 2! The honesty and example is beautiful (fyi I'm totally in jono's camp with the healing/comfort thing)
omg i can't wait for your next video!! My boyfriend is a dreamer and I'm a healer (and a type 7 and 4 in the enneagram, respectively), and it feels like we're opposites sometimes. Our main struggle was how different our sensitivity levels are, like my feelings get hurt pretty easily and I feel things very very intensely compared to him. He had a similar moment as you, Alicia, when through me he realized not everyone experiences feelings the same way as he does. He was literally shocked to see me so upset and emotional about idontevenrememberwhat, when if he had been in my position it would have been a minor issue. As a result he's become more considerate and empathic than he already was, he's also very patient when I'm processing one of my big emotions and is just there for me giving me comfort and listening to me. On the other hand, through him I've learnt to not take things as seriously, to be more laidback, to enjoy life more...
I love how much we grow through relationships, and I treasure my "opposite" partner very much.
Thank you guys for your vulnerability and generosity sharing all this with us, I'm learning so so much from both of you!! Yes there's a lot of struggles in any relationship, but when you lead with love respect and a willingness to grow you'll always be in a good path.
I love this I just got married two months ago and already I feel like there's so many things that are so different and then I'm learning to take on differently
These things all sound very familiar to me in my relationship but they’re all kind of jumbled based on who experiences what.
I think part of what has made things work for us (on my side) is my self awareness and understanding of the human psyche (thanks to childhood trauma, it became a coping mechanism) and my husband’s willingness (if after some heel digging) to shift and grow from that information.
On his side, his consistency, stability, and contentiousness give me something greater to strive for (at least I try my best). We also give each other a lot of grace.
I’ve also done A LOT of therapy work (EMDR and ADHD diagnosis) which has helped me understand myself more and I bring that back into our relationship. It helps him understand me and our differences and I can help him with the things he should probably be going to therapy for (including his relationship with his mom who is extremely similar to me). Lol I’m hoping I’ll get him there someday when he’s ready. But in the meantime, I’m proud of us for the strides we’ve made and continue to make in our differences, arguing style, and life goals.
This was so honest and helpful! I've avoided getting into a new relationahip for years because I was afraid it would be as hard as it was in my marriage and now it has merged into me being afraid that I don't have relational skills and I hesitate to try for that reason.😅 I have realized this is not necessary and some emotional pain will come with the territory. But in a good relationship it's worth it
My wife and I are going through a situation not too different from this
Oh dear! Where have you guys been 12 years ago, when I was leaving my husband…. It evidently could have worked after all!
I sincerely thought I was a healer but hearing her speak really resonates with me. I think I might be somewhere in between the two of you. However, I am very kind and empathetic by nature (I THINK) but I struggle with stay-at-home Mom at times too. I work pt but kids are insane, especially as toddlers. I have been in the process of trying to logistically accomplish my goals (what I term as conscientiousness) for a few years now and it's starting to come very naturally to me, maybe more so than the empathy at this point, although I have always functioned as a dreamer type in my youth. I'm confused. Lol
PS Thank you for opening up about this.
Watching this really made me realize just how much all my trauma and life experiences have kinda warped my base personality. I'm an INFP but I am a pessimist and go into things only after thinking through everything and trying to calculate the likelihood success based of possible external factors but also what I know I'm able to do and handle. For me it will be hard to get into a relationship much less maintain one so I have given alot of thought into what other people would require in a relationship and what I can possibly change and compromise but also what I can't compromise and my expectations as well. I've always wanted to get married and have children but I sadly don't think it will be happening not just based of trauma and mental health issues but my disability and how all of it affects how difficult my life is and hard it would be to find someone willing to work through it with me.
Thank you for this great series!🤩 even though I don't believe in personal types I believe in differences of people's perspectives on world and life. Having watched this I think I'd rather chose someone similar to me then someone completing me, because I'm neither an lmft nor Alisia 😅 but I'm really glad for you guys for overcoming those really heavy challenges!
Very impress with your bravery... I have no words.
... I think that the title of the video is very hard. You're the couple, you don't have a violence relantionship... Others people don't have the right to judge or decide or question... I feel bad that you feel that you have to answer that to the people.
But I think is important to understand that a healthy relationship so many times isn't a easy relationship. Became healthy because both persons works in themselve and the relationship.
People need to know that in a culture where couple relationship are evolving, because ours views of gender, sexuality and human rights are evolving and that is shaking the forms of being partners... And that is very hard.
As always, good video!
Pd: and sorry for my english.
I'm like 45 seconds in and you two look like you are very much in love.
... but I don't know much about it. I am very interested in the dynamic of the less relationship experience with one who is more familiar with being partnered with someone. I always thought it wouldn't work.
I love, love, love this series. I believe there are no perfect relationships. And I love to hear how people come out on the other end even when things aren't ideal. I do not expect perfect for myself, I expect a teammate
This is starting to sound like my current relationship but we're not married (with really no plans for it)
Def helps me with perspective
I love this conversation! I'm single but this gives a lot of perspective on what married life is about so thanks so so much!
Thank you both for sharing.
As a enxp, he a intj .. wow so similar.. me immature how I see life, him plan, reality , structure, me oh a butterfly.. love how open u are.. its weird how different people can help you grow .. who are so different
I can so relate to this
. Jes my shadow functions, hes very much yr wife, goals, efficiency, im more short term of 5 mins
THANK YOU for this series. It's amazing, informative, and so truly helpful.