Absolutely! The whiplash you’ll sustain while in a relationship with an avoidant is both real and unbearable, especially when the fa chooses to ghost you for no apparent reason.
I love(d) the avoidant in my life. I always will. I know what we shared was real and his inner turmoil only makes me want to nurture him more. But there comes a time when it’s necessary to cut the cord, before I am no longer able to be vulnerable myself. Avoidants will give you many signs- listen.
I know someone with such an avoidant attachment style that their best friend literally lives over 4,000 miles away, and always has. Not even a joke. Their best friend is essentially an “online friend” that they meet maybe twice or three-times a year, at most. The rest of their communication is via messenger services (which are easy to ignore if you’re otherwise occupied)
The parents bedtime example is an incredible example. 🤯 I used to wear my independence like a badge of honor. But now I see I'm anxious avoidant (disorganized).
These are quite possibly the best videos I’ve seen in all my digging for answers. I’m not sure how to categorize my style but I am avoidant. It’s so nice to hear my cycle/process put into words properly. Over the years of learning I’ve found if I’m able to label or identify my triggers and give them a meaning or background story, when someone new triggers them I am able to identify it is not really about the person before me but about my old fears coming to haunt me. If I can in the moment I able to reduce my flight response and not burn the relationship just to protect myself. Before I would stop, block and walk. Problem is I seem to only be interested in Avoidant/avoidant style. But it falls in line with your description of neglect was normal relationship. Not sure I worded that properly, but it clicked. Thank you for adding 1 more tool to my toolbox of healing. Absolutely great videos
While I feel for the injuries these folks have experienced from young ages, they need to go to therapy and not get involved with other humans until they do. Anyone who pursues relationships with these folks are looking to basically be emotionally abused, unfulfilled and breadcrummed. I went through this for five months and finally had enough. There is no way a person like this is healthy to be around, they are never supportive, do not emotionally register intimacy or closeness and will just make you yourself feel confused, gaslit and strung along. Run. Find humans who put in the work to meet you half way and who can see you, be present for you and hold space for you when you need it. These folks are a one way street. If you want a taste of narcissism, jump aboard an avoidant relationship.
I’m an avoidant but a very self aware one. Women who go after avoidants especially when they are not self aware are always very unhealthy and I’ve had this conversation with 2 or 3 girls that I cared about very strongly with one being another avoidant. When I really like a girl I work hard on communication and becoming secure and I assumed other avoidants when in love would do that but my experience has been a hard no. It hurts so much to be in love with someone and for them to even love you back but at the same time not put in the work.
@@nateo200 It sounds like you do the work to be present and to consider your partner. I think so much of connection is about caring for the others involved and their experiences connecting with you, as well as clear communication, boundaries and also putting in the work to be vulnerably present.
@@nateo200 "Women who go after avoidants especially when they are not self aware are always very unhealthy" BULLSHIT. The FA I was with (before I was forced to learn about AT) acted COMPLETELY different in the beginning, love bombed me, and then switched his act. It was incredibly confusing to me, and I completely resent the statement that I deserved that or brought it on myself. I didn't tolerate it, but I knew he was dealing with the recent death of a parent and his mental health wasn't great, so I gave him a lot of space, but he needed more and more, and he continued to withdraw and dismissed me about it every time I brought it up. To blame ME for his behavior and say that I deserved it is BULLSHIT. And for what it's worth, I ended up breaking things off with him and blocked him. I in NO WAY deserved that treatment and I completely resent the victim blaming you're offering. No wonder you're an avoidant; y'all never take accountability which is why you're a GD nightmare to date. Just leave people alone. We shouldn't have to become therapists for y'all who refuse therapy and enjoy sucking the soul out of everyone else and claiming they deserved it. Y'all use people and them blame them for your crap treatment just because you're dead inside. Absolutely disgusting behavior.
I've been dealing with an avoidant for three years of hot and cold he's not my ex but he's ghosted me out of the blue for 11 days I'm finally over it three years of this don't give an eff at this point I give up he's a dismissive avoidant
He ghosted me too and then blocked me on Facebook, messenger and he changed his phone number 3 months ago. I contacted him last April and break the 2 weeks NC, then I could not take no more so I went to his workplace unannounced. We talked, kissed and it led to another. Then we talked about seeing each other again the next month. To my surprise when next month came, I call him up and he said " he doesn't want to hear anything from me anymore". I was shocked. But I told him I respected his decision and I told him how much I love him for the last time before we said our goodbyes. We are in 33 days NC now. We never get the chance to talked about what happened in our relationship
Exactly. They always abandon you in the end. Sorry the happened to you though. In the future, don't have ANY tolerance for that behavior. They wear down your boundaries (as they are emotionally abusive) and make you feel demanding and clingy for wanting the MOST BASIC form of intimacy, communication, and reciprocation. I learned my lesson. When someone starts to act inconsistent, address that directly, and if they don't change their behavior or back up what they say, WALK AWAY.
I feel like a lot of these videos focus on the aspect of an ex and "what went wrong". I wish some of these videos were catered more towards a new person that you meet (avoidant or anxious), or a friend that you're thinking of crossing over into the romantic realm with, and then surviving and understanding the pitfalls. I realize a lot of this information can be applied universally, but it would still be nice to hear it in the context of various other situations.
I was left alone as a kid and i am avoidant, too, thru therapy i found those exes that hurt me were a pattern of me pick the EXACT type that would hurt me ans shunning the available people, im single but i feel i am able to date someone healthy and i have more healthy expectations of my self and consistancy in my behavior, good luck
@@MetaPhysStore0770 well said. My ex was a DA. 3 months NC and I honestly tried so much understanding. Other attachments are not perfect by any means we all have our triggers but I’m so glad you are aware. Awareness is key. Can I ask (cause I’m struggle town rn) did you ever miss these people you may have stepped away from?
Hm... I've just realised both myself & my current ex boyfriend of the last year have both been cycling through this same dynamic for the last year... Both anxiously then avoidantly going through cycles of push & pull... Both alternating the anxious avoidant cycle. It's time to get off the merry go round... Likewise both of us have gone through long periods of celibacy for a number of years before getting together as well as having similar experiences of being burnt in relationships in the past... Time to take a break & calm down!
I think I found an answer to the problems in my relationship! I could cry right now, because you're describing him with many of the things you said. I'd love to show him this video, although I'm not sure if that wouldn't change a thing (besides that his english is not as good). Now I just start and try to not feel inferior, as this is going to be my battle. Thank you!
Would it be a good idea to forward this to an avoidant- he knows he struggles with relationships and knows he feels more at peace alone, but not why. After several break ups and getting back together this may help him make sense of things.
This so true, my ex is an avoidant and she would not be keen to the idea of sleeping in my bed even though we live in the same building 10 floors apart 😂. She is a great woman but I’m starting to realize maybe the breakup was the best thing that could’ve happen. I was there to help and she refused, now she wants to be “friends”. Nope, not playing that game.
Great video! Any recommendations on what to reply back when an avoidant ex texts " I miss you" . He ended the relationship stating he needed to focus on himself ( I already knew about his attachment style, so I gave him as much space as possible during the relationship) when he broke up with me, he admitted it wasn't something I did, that he even was surprised I didn't push him in the relationship. And now, 2 weeks after the break up ( zero contact in between) he texted "I miss you"
Talk about completely complicated and having to do all this stuff when it should just flow. I'm burned out from hot cold behavior and trying to adjust myself for there confort
I blocked deleted and cut him out of me and our 3 yr olds life F HIM he wanted all the things including our child he asked for then got triggered and cheated on me and ghosted us and tried to breadcrumb with the future faking and lies i left him and Imma move away and change my number my daughter doesn’t need this and he’s a coward I’m good I hate that he still tries to reach out even though he’s with the girl he cheated on me with for NO REASON. Like goodbye I HATE avoidant ppl like FN grow up and no I’m not anxious attached IM SECURE these Mfs need to stop acting like they are to get us and than ruin our lives period.
If you Know they are avoidant, Why put yourself through All of the time wasting, jumping through hoops ??? Illogical! Cut it OFF! Find a genuine, REAL person.
Chris, i think my avoidant is prank calling me and saying nothing... Any thing I can say to them to get into their head that can lead to a conversation?...
They're playing games with you to see if you'll chase them. It's all about their ego. They don't care about you. The next time she calls, maybe pick it up and tell her to stop f'ing calling you and you're done playing games with her. She doesn't even have the courage to leave you a message because she wants you to be curious about her and call her back. And then guess what? She'll discard you again.
If you love roller coasters - date an avoidant
Absolutely! The whiplash you’ll sustain while in a relationship with an avoidant is both real and unbearable, especially when the fa chooses to ghost you for no apparent reason.
One foot in and one foot out. This speaks volume.
I love(d) the avoidant in my life. I always will. I know what we shared was real and his inner turmoil only makes me want to nurture him more. But there comes a time when it’s necessary to cut the cord, before I am no longer able to be vulnerable myself. Avoidants will give you many signs- listen.
Very true just got dumped by mine 8 months... Did everything possible to make it work... that was the problem I guess
I know someone with such an avoidant attachment style that their best friend literally lives over 4,000 miles away, and always has. Not even a joke. Their best friend is essentially an “online friend” that they meet maybe twice or three-times a year, at most. The rest of their communication is via messenger services (which are easy to ignore if you’re otherwise occupied)
The parents bedtime example is an incredible example. 🤯 I used to wear my independence like a badge of honor. But now I see I'm anxious avoidant (disorganized).
These are quite possibly the best videos I’ve seen in all my digging for answers. I’m not sure how to categorize my style but I am avoidant. It’s so nice to hear my cycle/process put into words properly. Over the years of learning I’ve found if I’m able to label or identify my triggers and give them a meaning or background story, when someone new triggers them I am able to identify it is not really about the person before me but about my old fears coming to haunt me. If I can in the moment I able to reduce my flight response and not burn the relationship just to protect myself. Before I would stop, block and walk. Problem is I seem to only be interested in Avoidant/avoidant style. But it falls in line with your description of neglect was normal relationship. Not sure I worded that properly, but it clicked. Thank you for adding 1 more tool to my toolbox of healing. Absolutely great videos
While I feel for the injuries these folks have experienced from young ages, they need to go to therapy and not get involved with other humans until they do. Anyone who pursues relationships with these folks are looking to basically be emotionally abused, unfulfilled and breadcrummed. I went through this for five months and finally had enough. There is no way a person like this is healthy to be around, they are never supportive, do not emotionally register intimacy or closeness and will just make you yourself feel confused, gaslit and strung along. Run. Find humans who put in the work to meet you half way and who can see you, be present for you and hold space for you when you need it. These folks are a one way street. If you want a taste of narcissism, jump aboard an avoidant relationship.
I’m an avoidant but a very self aware one. Women who go after avoidants especially when they are not self aware are always very unhealthy and I’ve had this conversation with 2 or 3 girls that I cared about very strongly with one being another avoidant. When I really like a girl I work hard on communication and becoming secure and I assumed other avoidants when in love would do that but my experience has been a hard no. It hurts so much to be in love with someone and for them to even love you back but at the same time not put in the work.
@@nateo200 It sounds like you do the work to be present and to consider your partner. I think so much of connection is about caring for the others involved and their experiences connecting with you, as well as clear communication, boundaries and also putting in the work to be vulnerably present.
@@nateo200 "Women who go after avoidants especially when they are not self aware are always very unhealthy" BULLSHIT.
The FA I was with (before I was forced to learn about AT) acted COMPLETELY different in the beginning, love bombed me, and then switched his act. It was incredibly confusing to me, and I completely resent the statement that I deserved that or brought it on myself. I didn't tolerate it, but I knew he was dealing with the recent death of a parent and his mental health wasn't great, so I gave him a lot of space, but he needed more and more, and he continued to withdraw and dismissed me about it every time I brought it up. To blame ME for his behavior and say that I deserved it is BULLSHIT. And for what it's worth, I ended up breaking things off with him and blocked him. I in NO WAY deserved that treatment and I completely resent the victim blaming you're offering. No wonder you're an avoidant; y'all never take accountability which is why you're a GD nightmare to date. Just leave people alone. We shouldn't have to become therapists for y'all who refuse therapy and enjoy sucking the soul out of everyone else and claiming they deserved it. Y'all use people and them blame them for your crap treatment just because you're dead inside. Absolutely disgusting behavior.
I’ve been listening to videos like this for 2 years. I love the way you explain it. Very clear and practical.
Omg Chris! I feel this, he has taken on a superiority complex. The ego is unbelievable
I've been dealing with an avoidant for three years of hot and cold he's not my ex but he's ghosted me out of the blue for 11 days I'm finally over it three years of this don't give an eff at this point I give up he's a dismissive avoidant
@@okpeelizabeth9725 shut up scammer
After 3 years mine blocked me it's devastating and heartbreaking and a pain like no other
He ghosted me too and then blocked me on Facebook, messenger and he changed his phone number 3 months ago. I contacted him last April and break the 2 weeks NC, then I could not take no more so I went to his workplace unannounced. We talked, kissed and it led to another. Then we talked about seeing each other again the next month. To my surprise when next month came, I call him up and he said " he doesn't want to hear anything from me anymore". I was shocked. But I told him I respected his decision and I told him how much I love him for the last time before we said our goodbyes. We are in 33 days NC now. We never get the chance to talked about what happened in our relationship
Exactly. They always abandon you in the end. Sorry the happened to you though. In the future, don't have ANY tolerance for that behavior. They wear down your boundaries (as they are emotionally abusive) and make you feel demanding and clingy for wanting the MOST BASIC form of intimacy, communication, and reciprocation. I learned my lesson. When someone starts to act inconsistent, address that directly, and if they don't change their behavior or back up what they say, WALK AWAY.
I feel like a lot of these videos focus on the aspect of an ex and "what went wrong". I wish some of these videos were catered more towards a new person that you meet (avoidant or anxious), or a friend that you're thinking of crossing over into the romantic realm with, and then surviving and understanding the pitfalls. I realize a lot of this information can be applied universally, but it would still be nice to hear it in the context of various other situations.
I was so hard on my ex when we broke up, there is no way he would want me back. I wouldn't want me back either.
It's amazing what can happen with time, but it depends if you want to heal and make things work of course!
Im have an avoidant attachment. Im aware and i know why.. Traumatize by exes who broke my trust. lived mostly alone when i was a kid. I parent myself.
Same here.
I was left alone as a kid and i am avoidant, too, thru therapy i found those exes that hurt me were a pattern of me pick the EXACT type that would hurt me ans shunning the available people, im single but i feel i am able to date someone healthy and i have more healthy expectations of my self and consistancy in my behavior, good luck
@@MetaPhysStore0770 well said. My ex was a DA. 3 months NC and I honestly tried so much understanding. Other attachments are not perfect by any means we all have our triggers but I’m so glad you are aware. Awareness is key. Can I ask (cause I’m struggle town rn) did you ever miss these people you may have stepped away from?
So how do we get past it and have a somewhat functional relationship with people?
Im am sorry what you went trhough 😢😘🤗🙏🏻♾️
Hm... I've just realised both myself & my current ex boyfriend of the last year have both been cycling through this same dynamic for the last year... Both anxiously then avoidantly going through cycles of push & pull... Both alternating the anxious avoidant cycle. It's time to get off the merry go round... Likewise both of us have gone through long periods of celibacy for a number of years before getting together as well as having similar experiences of being burnt in relationships in the past... Time to take a break & calm down!
Please make a video how to deal with avoidNt partner after getting back
I think I found an answer to the problems in my relationship! I could cry right now, because you're describing him with many of the things you said.
I'd love to show him this video, although I'm not sure if that wouldn't change a thing (besides that his english is not as good). Now I just start and try to not feel inferior, as this is going to be my battle. Thank you!
Thank you, this was perfectly informative
He hangs out with his Friends more than he has ever hanged out with me
Would it be a good idea to forward this to an avoidant- he knows he struggles with relationships and knows he feels more at peace alone, but not why. After several break ups and getting back together this may help him make sense of things.
I agree, this was a really good video just like all the others! Thanks Chris! 😃
Glad you enjoyed it!
Very good video thank you
Thank you
Excellent
This so true, my ex is an avoidant and she would not be keen to the idea of sleeping in my bed even though we live in the same building 10 floors apart 😂. She is a great woman but I’m starting to realize maybe the breakup was the best thing that could’ve happen. I was there to help and she refused, now she wants to be “friends”. Nope, not playing that game.
Great video! Any recommendations on what to reply back when an avoidant ex texts " I miss you" .
He ended the relationship stating he needed to focus on himself ( I already knew about his attachment style, so I gave him as much space as possible during the relationship) when he broke up with me, he admitted it wasn't something I did, that he even was surprised I didn't push him in the relationship.
And now, 2 weeks after the break up ( zero contact in between) he texted "I miss you"
I wish this would happen to me, 3 years and I got blocked 💔
Can I ask what did you do in the end?
@@littlejack1233 I didn't reply and I just moved on
@@gabrielacarlon3953 good for you! That takes a lot of strength!
@@adoptioncorner1984 I got blocked too on Facebook,messenger and he changed his number 3 months ago. Any update? Did he ever unblocked you?
This was my relationaship and it wasnt healthy i want to feel valued and appreciated.
Great video!
Glad you enjoyed it
Talk about completely complicated and having to do all this stuff when it should just flow. I'm burned out from hot cold behavior and trying to adjust myself for there confort
I blocked deleted and cut him out of me and our 3 yr olds life F HIM he wanted all the things including our child he asked for then got triggered and cheated on me and ghosted us and tried to breadcrumb with the future faking and lies i left him and Imma move away and change my number my daughter doesn’t need this and he’s a coward I’m good I hate that he still tries to reach out even though he’s with the girl he cheated on me with for NO REASON. Like goodbye I HATE avoidant ppl like FN grow up and no I’m not anxious attached IM SECURE these Mfs need to stop acting like they are to get us and than ruin our lives period.
If you Know they are avoidant, Why put yourself through All of the time wasting, jumping through hoops ??? Illogical! Cut it OFF! Find a genuine, REAL person.
Chris, i think my avoidant is prank calling me and saying nothing... Any thing I can say to them to get into their head that can lead to a conversation?...
Tell them you're on a date and to call back later
They're playing games with you to see if you'll chase them. It's all about their ego. They don't care about you. The next time she calls, maybe pick it up and tell her to stop f'ing calling you and you're done playing games with her. She doesn't even have the courage to leave you a message because she wants you to be curious about her and call her back. And then guess what? She'll discard you again.
mt avoidants are men, and so they go and sleep with thers, they are not avoidants, they are players, move on and ignore them.
how do i reach out to you? cant find you on instagram. sent a dm on facebook but no reply yet. i have some questions on your services thanks.