If Love Is What You Want, Here’s What to Do Differently
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ก.ค. 2024
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When someone writes to me and says “I’m dating this guy,” I learned to understand that “DATING” for some people means “just having sex.” No friendship, no commitment, no talking about real things, no helping each other through tough times JUST. SEX. So it breaks my heart when someone with the ordinary understanding of dating gets walked all over by someone who uses the LANGUAGE of love to take what they want, and then ridicule their partner for having feelings at all. This is so bad for people who grew up with trauma, who are so vulnerable to blaming themselves and thinking they’re not good enough when an emotional shoplifter activates romantic love in them. In this video I respond to a man who is ready to raise his standards for who he dates, and what the purpose of dating is.
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I love your term "emotional shoplifter". Perfect description of users.
💯
This may come off as boasting, but it isn’t. I’ve noticed that this channel seems to attract women more so than men. I’m male, neurodivergent, in my 50s, and just want those who have had such negative experiences with men to know that I’m not like the awful men so many experience. And if I’m not like them, there has to be others. I was in a terrible relationship for 2 years in my teens with an awful, unfaithful girl. She was cruel. I never cheated on her. After we broke up, I had a dream that I met a girl who was perfect for me. We just clicked. Then, not long after, I actually met a girl like that. I’m not exaggerating or joking. She was a friend’s sister. Whenever I was at my friends house, she would always come into his room and talk. She told me years later that she would go to the store I worked in to look at me, lol. I had never been so comfortable around anyone. And I’m normally uncomfortable. Every cliche you can think of, like “we fit like a hand in a glove” is actually true for us. Other parts of my life have been incredibly difficult and a disaster, largely due to me being neurodivergent. And I didn’t know I was until very recently. She automatically and effortlessly helped me with so many problems I have. We got married 34 years ago this year. I’ve never cheated on her and I don’t believe she ever cheated on me. I can’t stress how good she is. Due to being neurodivergent and having serious health issues, I haven’t worked for a very long time. She has never complained about my issues, and only been loving and supportive. I know how to repair cars, houses, etc., and take care of that and other things. She is very successful and works from home. We have been together nearly every day for over a decade, and wouldn’t want it any other way. If you saw me, you would think I was just another mentally normal, aging white guy, and probably foist whatever stereotype you hold onto me. But that’s not me. It unfortunately sounds like a boast (it’s not), but internally, I’m not like anything you would expect. I just want to say that all men aren’t bad. I get where people who feel that way are coming from, because I prefer not to be around men myself. Also, don’t give up on having a good relationship. They do happen. Sorry if this comment was too long or weird.
Bro there's more men in this age range ( 50s) that are good men than are not. Uve been married for all this time which is great BUT alot of us have experienced the I'm not happy n dont know why women after many years of marriage ( mine was 20 yrs). They leave n destroy our lives. The woman that are single in the dating world ARE MANY OF THESE WOMAN so if you havnt experienced this please rethink what ur commenting because there are alot of good men that have their family's destroyed from these confused women that are looking for something better. Thing is many had better then they deserved n trashed everything with their selfish acts.
I'm happy for you. The bond you describe with your wife sounds so lovely.
Sweet.
@@briandonovan5687stop being bitter and choose better next time.
Love you brother!
8:50 "We can't pretend for long that we can settle for less than what we really want" - another one for the wall plaque!
I experienced something similar, and it was painful to finish this video, but I managed to. I don't have anything against sex; I just believe it requires a stronger emotional bond and mutual trust to get there. I hope that everyone finds someone with whom they can share genuine love.
A friend is someone who treats you with respect and likes you, not someone who is 'not having sex with you.' As if sex was a step up from friendship! This guy should be so lucky to have you as a friend, Max. He doesn't sound like a friend, much less a potential partner.
Anna's opening few words hit me hard. So far, I have progressed well on my road to wellness but sometimes a random comment will switch on the light bulbs for me ... taking me into areas I have not considered. Being quite honest, I did not know what love meant throughout my life. So looking back in hindsight I now understand I pursued sex in the hopes of love. This revelation and so many others recently, have been quite shocking. Thank-you for joining me on the road to wellness.
Anna, when I hear you say it's okay to want love, it's like wow, I have needed someone to say that for a long time.
Dealt with this multiple times.
I fell so hard for a guy that simply didn't exist. The future faking was immaculate. He would pretend he was going to be everything I needed him to be, but 3 months later red flags were popping up left and right. He wasn't available at specific hours, he wasn't employed, he lived with his mom, he had 9 kids he wasn't paying child support for or seeing, all of our conversations were turning sexual, he told me all about how disgusting his ex allegedly was, he was "too tired to talk" at 8pm...with no job, no kids, no school, nothing. I called him out on all of his B.S. I was so deeply hurt that the man that was spending time with me, interested in what I was interested in, listening to me, supporting me, cheering me on, being there for me when I went to the hospital, and all of the things I had gone without for ages...didn't actually exist.
Warm jugs and lots of love to you🌸I am also been hurt a lot by men who were very obsessively discouraging and mean n gaslighty after being good, it made me feel useless for years on end. Hope we heal and can have better discernment finding love whether romantic or otherwise.:) I see you.
Sounds like he’s a nightmare to his kids and their mother(s) and like you’re the one who got away🎉❤
It's devastating. You deserve to get everything in a man that you are with! I'm still in the struggle myself. With a guy one and a half years who has never even kissed me outside of sex. It's killing me inside to get no physical affection. He's never even told me I'm pretty. But now that I can see I know I must set myself free and find real love. Or be alone that's fine too. Hugs to you.
@@farfaraway97 Thank you so much ❤❤
@@joshthegoodson I feel SO bad for those kids, and still wonder why he can't be there for anyone in his life
When we value things and use people. ✨️
Oh, Anna, I absolutely LOVE your ability to be so caringly clear and direct! 🙏
Well no shit Anna😭 Someone did in fact want to "hurt" to heal me and be a lesson in human form since only he is perfectly good and pure-left me unsupported, demotivated, uncared for but extracted a ton of emotional labour and thoughtfulness from me. Some self sacrificing, emltionally broken but always-pretty and deferring feminine ideal he thought I could be hammered into. It really sent my spirit flying in shrapnel everywhere, trying to be everything until I just left and came to you to find out what even was happening. Thanks.
Some people have quite a few narcissistic traits, and other people have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). In either case, you are dealing with a damaged person who is wearing a mask of superiority to cover their own childhood trauma, and they are not open to therapy. Therapy does not work with them.
They will do a lot of damage in your life.
There are many excellent TH-cam channels about narcissism, and I advise people to start reviewing content! You can start with Dr. Phil (Phil in the Blanks) podcast. Then watch Richard Grannon, and Dr. Ramani. The TH-cam algorithm will bring you other options, but by then, you will have a fair idea.
If someone, anyone spoke to me like that she/he he would never hear from me again
I used to be this guy. I used to think love was a game for everyone, that everyone felt like every single person in their life was replaceable and acted as such, that love was two people sharing a fantasy and moulding one's self to fit another for the time that it lasts. I have childhood trauma. I'm 32 and only recently was able to identify thoughts and feelings of being lonely and wanting to be genuinely loved for who I am. Before that it was just hazy depression and boredom. I regret treating people in my life as completely expendable. I still don't really *feel* guilt but I know now it's wrong and I don't want to cause harm to others. I thought people were being hyperfluous and exaggerating when they said that they actually cared about some thing or someone. For a long time I thought this detachment made me more mature than the other simple people, turns out I was emotionally stunted one the whole time.
I’m glad I found your channel and I find these videos helpful.
I was with my partner for 23 years until his passing from Covid in 2021. He was my best friend and I miss him very much.
So now I’m single 23 years later and truly shocked to see how men behave. I trusted my previous partner and now I’m thrust into an alternate universe with nothing but, narcissistic, predatory men. I’ve already had terrible experiences. Now I’m afraid and guarded and faced with living the rest of my life alone. I believe everything happens for a reason so I guess my loss should be used to assist others.
I'm so sorry for your loss. We're all rooting for you!
Nika@TeamFairy
There are alot but not all men I could say the same but I live in hope
Anna, you are a precious person ❤
Just got into argument with some guy the other day was really discouraging. I was feeling really low but he made me feel even more depressed. Some people really try to bring you down. A lot of guys only care about that and in fact they even objectified me or asked me way too personal questions. All this is a reason I rather be alone than in a relationship with a guy that doesn't care about me
Trust me, it will get better ❤
Most men are full of sh*t, its sad but true.
Its not about you, theyre treating all women like that.
I'm 28F. My belief is always that sex is something that can deepen the connection between two partners/girlfriend-boyfriend.
Dating for me is firstly building a good friendship, trust , confidence, interests, knowing where you both will go, just overral knowing/understanding about the person (ensuring there are no toxic traits, abusive traits, avoidant traits, etc is a healthy person on whom you can invest your time and effort in)
Once all this is on point , then i would think about other things like love and real feelings and sex.
And if all this is also going good, then we can decide if we should be in a relationship. And if it is possible to be in a relationship because there is some things that we cannot avoid like moving across country , changing cities/jobs etc. So its okay.
But apparently my entire generation is just full of people wanting to have sex asap , have sex without love, hookups , situationships, fuck and forget, and not worry about emotional consequences etc.
Its really annoying and sometimes feels hopeless to go out in dating world.
I know friends who had sex with multiple people , FWB and hookups and situationships and are now completely emotionally broken or emotionally drained.
28F here too, I completely agree with what you said.
Every time people have sex with strangers and/or other people they know, they splinter off parts of themselves. That's why the world is such a shattered place.
Intimacy and sex are two very different concepts.
And they form soul ties with alll the people they've had sex with... as God made Sex for Marriage where 2 become 1.
Well said! And I'm glad you can see this at 28! Good luck to you honey.
39 m, feel the same
Some people don't want romance. Some people aren't looking for friendships. That is not wrong.
What is wrong is looking at the wrong leople, or lying to them, or trying to change them into what they aren't.
I hope you find someone for you, but if you're complaining about what people are instead of why you can't find matching people...
That's probably part of why you're not finding matching people.
Max, you are a sweetheart. you deserve someone who loves you and you'll find them ❤. this was a good lesson even though it hurts
MAX! I can feel in my heart that you’re a lovely person. So glad you’re getting this sound guidance early in your dating ‘career’. ❤
I think this guy is out to intentionally hurt women after he got burnt by his ex. He's clearly not over her at all. Get as far away from him as possible.
The two in question are gay.
Free to take up a good hobby like I did with my Model Car Building..
You can't be friends with someone who hurts you! < this is exactly what I needed to hear. I was trying to be his friend but he treated me horribly. Why would I want to be friends with someone like that. I feel I could have wrote this letter myself. I was not very anxious until I met an avoidant. The breadcrumbing causes you to over think you feel you have to try harder to win their love when it should be a give and take not a chase the dopamine attachment creates the worse heart break. Being emotionally abused and making excuses for toxic people never gets you want you want.
The person who wrote the letter is really young… like early/mid 20s…
Bingo ! 2 ppl that are open to a relationship not who is good for now. If you look for sex first than a relationship be prepared for drama
i think he really likes one of his friends.
Thanks for best advice ❤
Love the glasses!!
I too have trauma issues abandonment rejection criticism issues due To my mentally ill mother who by the way still acts the exact same way with No hope To reconcile. I suffered and my relationships area in my life is zero because i cant open up. Now I am 34 and I wonder if i Will ever settle and make a family and home of my own... I am working on myself so I can heal and build a life of my own
You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks for the sharing.
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
What possessed him to be on a dating site when he didn't want to date in the first place??.. I just stay away from them because I don't want to date anyone in the first place...again.. PROBLEM SOLVED!!
And it's not just any dating app... I bet Max was using Grindr and that app is full of emotionally unavailable guys just like the one in the story. At the very essence gay/bi apps are unfortunately hookup apps more than dating apps and the misery, toxicity and childish behavior runs rampant. I might be projecting a little but from my experience everybody there is a victim of past trauma but nobody wants to change for the better.
If it's that app it's a hookup app. Expecting relationships would be expecting winning a roulette.
I just red the title and had a little nausea… so sad many people consider relationships as a meat game, flesh flesh, take take, me, only me.. and leaving aside the beauty of discovering a soul, an unique personality.. a funny person.
So true. And so well said!
Nika@TeamFairy
homegurl got them veneers!!!!! yes gurl get ya coin!
I'm free to decide ❤
My first f2f was like that and it was excruciating tbh. I wanted to talk and be listened to. Most of the time it's validation tbh.
*AN EMOTIONAL SHOPLIFTER* ☠️🃏
just be single people are a pain in the ass i never want anyone in my life nightmare ffs
Ah I ran into this recently as a guy. I kinda wanted it, but the lead up chat was more about connection and wanting to make a good life. Then I got ghosted.
"What you see is what you get" If he said he didn't want commitment, listen. Is it really his fault? He was honest and you thought you could change him. STOP! In that sense, I could see why you playing the victim is true. You created your own problem. You accepted he didn't want a commitment and then were made when he didn't change his mind.
This is why I don't play "The dating game"... That way I don't have to go through this BS!!. PROBLEM SOLVED!!
Covert narcissist.
👍
Tired of the stereotype of men all being this way. I have dated plenty of women that fizzled out because all SHE really wanted was sex. For some reason, women see a handsome, athletic man and automatically put him in “fling zone”. Never truly seeing me as a potential boyfriend, no matter how caring and thoughtful I was. Slowly, as this seemed to scare women off (trust me, I wasn’t too much. Making a woman chili when she’s sick after dating 3 months doesn’t seem like too much…), I toned it down. Then I’m accused of not doing ENOUGH. Gaslit. Etc. This woman just wanted sex, period. That’s all she ever reminisced about after we stopped seeing each other. Then flipped it on me and said “we never developed intimacy” when it was HER that always got uncomfortable with it.
I have a similar problem but from other side. No one is interested in me at all. Apparently, many people really like s*x but for me it's unimportant and very unappealing. I just want something akin to close friendship. But since it is expected from *me* to show initiative, nobody ever paid attention to me as a person. I'm a decent coworker I'm a good friend for some people whom I don't 'love' personally, but I still want to find a companion for life, and this is sadly very rare now. What do I do?
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I encourage you to try Connection Bootcamp-a course Anna developed-that provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
Im in my 50s and ALWAYS felt sex is a sacred act meaning it shoukd mean more than just sex. Many women today feel like the want to have sex first n then maybe devolp a relationship or not depending on their offers. Women today ive experienced are very entitled n want to use sex to get what they want at the moment. Me personally i dont fall for that, id rather become friends and see if there is more than just superficial attraction. I rather not have sex than have sex n regret it. Its been quite awhile for me but im quite happy in my life. I wd love to find a caring partner but not gonna jump into bed to find out what someone is really like. Wd like but dont need big differance
Wish heterosexual people would stop appropriating “partner”; you want a good girlfriend, own it. “Partner” was a word gay people were forced to use bc we were not allowed to marry. If one chooses not to marry, that’s a whole different thing.
@@tablescissors well partner means MANY things not just Girlfriend. If your triggered because of your group wanted to not use traditional terms like husband or wife etc. that's on you. My thoughts on having a partner is accurate. It describes an evolving relationship that seeks to have a conscious continuing agreement to explore life together. Solving life's mysterious, a daily adventure to the unknown. Pretty sure that term is used in many ways not just for a pericular group. In fact it seems kinda ridiculous you would want to claim that term for yourselves. All your different groups sure to get caught up on words and adjectives. I'm going to continue using that term so i hope it dosnt keep offending you unless ur looking for yet another thing to be offended about.
@@tablescissorsIf you're going around policing language I'm sure you'll get many people on your side. Victim mentality is never a good thing.
@@briandonovan5687You're right about not having hookups and unfortunately people who do end up with a great deal of issues. Physical, emotional and beyond.
I think we NEED SEX, and friendship. We can evolve to great friendship.from SEX, but most of the times is better to have great friendships and IF we can have sex, great, if not, no big deal...
This guy sucks hope she doesn't talk to him again
he kisses you front of others because he wants to look like he has girl friends...
Men in general
Women do it too. It’s time to stop taking sides in this silly gender war.
No Women in general these days! They carry a ton of baggage and play the good for now untill some thing better comes along
Lets stop splitting! We all have masculine and feminine in us, we have to find a solution.
ॐ ऐं महासरस्वत्यै नम
The guy asking for help is also a man...
@@briandonovan5687 oh please. It is both. 1 out of 2 marriages fail. If the woman has baggage and kids, there is the man who helped her create those kids with the same issues. It is a 50/50 split. accountability is accountability.
Eeeeww
I think it is also high time to point out that there are many women who try to hook the guys by having sex,take advantage if him spiritually,financially,for social conections,etc and when she gets a complete new house,furnished and paid by him..then she "breaks up "with him.This is a very usual pattern in women behaviour.
It is? Not the women I know.
I do not think this is common at all. It has never been the case for me or anyone I know.