1. You are ... (insert observation) 2. It sounds like ... (insert observation) 3. It seems like ... (insert observation) 4. What I'm hearing is ... (insert observation) 5. You seem to be saying that ... (insert observation)
I don’t recall him warning against this. Can you refresh my memory, maybe with a direct quote from the book so I can search for it in my Kindle edition?
As a trained counsellor ( but not working in the field due to my UK qualifications being non transferable here in the US) I can say that these basic skills will help anyone in life in their daily interactions with everyone we encounter and not just in a theraputic environment.
1. You are… (insert reflective emotion) 2. It sounds like …. (Insert observation) 3. It seems like …. ( insert behavioral observation) 4. What I’m hearing is… (insert clients narrative/observation) 5. You seem to be saying … (insert observation)
This works like magic with children. IN fact, sometimes they're so used to us reacting automatically, that when we stop contradicting what they feel ("oh, that's nothing) they are actually surprised. I learned this from the fabulous book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" (or something like that - I read it in Hebrew). I'm so glad to have found your channel (when googling for Paul Grice's maxims!) - lots of interesting info about communication. Thank you, Bruce!
This is very good. What I picked up also is the observations you are making are, after acknowledging their feeling, inserting an admission of my behavior, "when I did such and such." I like that because it puts each other on an equal footing. "You felt... when I did this...," rather than coming off like they are being accused of having a feeling that made no sense. It is helping to bring out the opportunity for the person to share and not hide their feelings about what I did or how they feel about me. And it shows my willingness to not be defensive and be supportive. When receiving abusive criticism, I can recognize it, pause, and say I appreciate the feedback but abusive criticism is not okay. I matter to you, to the family, or just "I matter" and "I do care about your feedback to improve our interactions." You know when to say no thank you to feedback when it does not come from wanting to improve the connection but to just beat you down or compete.
Thank you so much for this video! As a low key high-functioning Aspie, this has already cleared things up for me SO much. Unfortunately my intentions are ALWAYS pure and empathetic - even over-empathetic sometimes! Yet, due to my serious lack of ability to clearly communicate this, so many people think I don't care at all/am never listening... So again, thanks Bruce :)
Cireen Khan I’m so happy it was helpful to you Cereen. Please try it with some friends and let me know how it works. Try not to be discouraged if it doesn’t feel natural or work perfectly at first. It’s a skill and like any skill it takes practice to perfect.
Wow, you really need to start showing up on time. It seems that people are starting to get upset. Just kidding, Bruce. Epic video! I love how genuine/authentic you are.
I love your videos, they are so helpful. I did not grow up in a household with good communication skills. Some people are hard to read. There’s something called “resting bitch face.” Some people when their spaces at rest they look angry, even though they’re not. This is why a smile can make all the difference, if they smile back then they’re not really angry, they just look angry. My husband has this problem and everybody thinks he’s mad all the time even though he’s not. I guess this is why we are encouraged to smile more often just in case we have this condition. 🥰
thank you!! I'm preparing my self for the Australian occupational English test (OET) designed for health professionals and this video brought some light to me. :)
Along with these skills, basic essential prequisits must be present. Empathy, a non judgmental attitude, the ability to empathize with the other person as far as possible, a level of congruence and honesty. There are other requirements too but they refere more to a professional interaction.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Hi. Thanks. I completed a 3 year advanced diploma in person centered (Rogerian based) back in 2004 just before leaving the military. I live in the US now and it is not of much use as you require a US degree so it's a bit disappointing to me. I now work as a security guard based on my military career. Still, the skills are there and I always like seriotitiously using my advanced listening and counselling skills in everyday interaction with people, especially when I detect that someone is emmotionally hurting. Once all the conditions are there, the process started and it's like magical process occuring.
@@garryharriman7349 What an interesting life story. Sorry to hear you can't get a license in the US. I agree completely with your description of what it's like to use these techniques. When it's working, it is like magic. Thanks for stopping by. One more question, do you use these techniques for de-escalation in your security job? If so, do they work?
@@HowCommunicationWorks That's a great question. I many settings, (health care settings like hospitals etc) it was great, especially for patients suffering from mental health issues, suicide (I manned a phone for a national suicide prevention charity in the UK- Samaritans and worked in addiction as a student and volunteer) and even staff because we all experience issues in our lives. I lived in Canada (Labrador) before settling in the US and travelled to remote communities delivering group therapy work shoes for indiginous people suffering from intergenerational trauma) and lucky enough to secure that job based on my experience and qualifications. Here in the US, education like health Care is at a premium, for those with money and means, thus a minimum of a Batchelors degree is required for work where a degree is really not required. I also think many degrees over here are not worth as much as in comparison to other countries. If I wish to get work in this area that I am passionate about, then I will have to complete a degree here in America and then seek the required license. Maths is my down fall and all these stupid add ons for a US degree is a way of making more money. Why should I have to be proficient at algebra to become a social worker or therapist? I work in nuclear security now (having left or being fired from other shitty security jobs where they hire anyone with a heart beat) so at least it is better paid with good benefits. I can see on line counselling on social media sites as possible option to people as a viable business. Maybe that's something you could consider. What is your background and life story? Cheers. Garry. South Carolina. 👍🇬🇧🇺🇸
Recovery Results Thank you. I am a fan of non-violent communication, and this video is in part influenced by those ideas. I plan to do some videos on non-violent communication soon. I see you have one video on that topic which I look forward to checking out.
Great content! Question? I often find myself saying, 'So, what your saying is... (insert observation)' as my way of active/reflective listening. Could my phrasing be used instead of 'What i'm hearing is...' or 'You seem to be saying...' ?
What I'm hearing is that all your examples seem to apply to confrontational conversations where someone is upset with you ? What phrases or techniques should be applied in just a normal conversation ? The same or different ? If someone uses the same phrases over and over again, isn't there a point in which the other person is going to get annoyed, and perhaps reply with something like, 'Stop repeating (or rephrasing) everything I'm saying, and just listen !' ?
Interesting however if I was angry at someone and then they said your first phrase I think I may just get more angry. So if I showed up late the first thing I would do is apologise then sit down and be quiet and listen.
You are not the first person to say this. In my experience, when I’ve named a person’s feelings, that’s never made them angrier. But my experience is limited, and people are different. I think it may have to do with the sincerity of the underlying intent. If it’s done in an insincere or manipulative way, it will probably backfire. But if it’s done earnestly, with an apology where appropriate, then I think it can work.
@@HowCommunicationWorks C.R.E.A.M seems to be saying that there is a discrepancy between "You are angry" and "You seem to be angry". One tells me what I am, which is a cognitive distortion of jumping to conclusions and one tells me what you observe and is probing and empathetic. When someone tells me "You are angry," etc, I stop listening, too. I also use phrases like this in therapy, i.e. "What I hear you saying is__________, am I tracking you correctly? am I hearing that right? is that what you are trying to say?" Then validating, "Shoot, I'd feel that way too!" or "I can imagine you would feel that way." "Your (feelings, thoughts, behavior) is understandable given how I know you care about ___________." Really helpful videos and I enjoyed your presentation style! Thank you so much for these tips. Natalie McBroom, LMFT
When I say “you’re angry” or “you’re upset” I say it with a questioning or tentative tone. I’ve never once had someone get upset with me for trying to name their emotions. The worst thing that’s ever happened is that they correct me and say something like “I’m not angry, I’m really frustrated” or something similar.
So, in this example, the person A is angry, so person B acknoledges she/he is angry, and then what? Like "you are late!" " oh! I sense anger" "of course, you are late for an important meeting" "so, you think this meeting was important"... It´s silly, goes nowhere and person A would get angrier and angrier when B states the obvious like a fair mentalist...
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When dealing with someone that is angry with you the statement "You are...X" sound a bit accusatory. Doesn't the person just get angrier with you for trying to call them out?
Sometimes I want my words to reflect how I genuinely mean to reflect empathy. I could understand it coming from a question asking perspective in order to clarify the impact and identifying and owning the impact without being seen as the negative person. When white men do this type of empathy in the form of redundant statements, it can be incredibly maddening. I feel condescended to when someone speaks to me like this. It would help to explain tone and intention. I feel like it would lend to more empathy in expression. I feel a lack of that in these statements.
@@HowCommunicationWorks you didn't understand. It's in the arrangement of the words as well and the perspective, to which it may feel like empathy as person saying it. A lack of flexibility in either makes it feel like just words intending to do the work alone. Like I said, if you were to say those phrases to me I wouldn't trust you and I feel like a psychologist or someone patriarchal explaining my emotions to me. It feel odd and lacking in an emotional insight of a situation or person who you're talking to. Reductive really.
@@HowCommunicationWorks a verbal reflection of the emotion that seems identifiable, followed by some type of accountability (with an attempt to reflect) and a check in question, something like "is this accurate or ok?" Maybe showing an emotional vulnerability if it feel suitable. And doing so without putting the emotion in reaction to you entirely on them. Because yes, while it is a reaction they have, it's to you as well. This being in response to an apology. Understanding active listening is a broad thing and not just in apologizing. To me that would be a start.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I'm addition if the question attempting to validate the experience comes up with a "no sorry, wrong answer" then asking a curious question like you just did that allows the person the space to explain. Thank you for that. Empathy is sometimes putting yourself in a place to learn and you won't have control all the time. Making a controlling statement will be infuriating to people who can describe their emotions much more than just being "fill in the blank." Especially for women and/or people of color. It's can be incredibly rude and like the pace of the conversation is inevitably going to be conducted by the person who has the most social power.
Voss recently posted a video that gave a very deep insight into fine tuning the use of those phrases, how they are not interchangeable, and how each has a different kind of push or pull on the other person. Heavy stuff here. th-cam.com/video/g4WyKoifl9A/w-d-xo.html
@@HowCommunicationWorks Ok thanks. It's only happened to me like once or twice but it really shuts me down. Guess I have to remind myself that there will always be people who just aren't in the mood but they don't represent everyone else.
DUMP THE FIRST ONE! Never tell someone what they are or aren't! The other ones, #2-5 are good ("it seems/sounds like" etc); they give the person a chance to affirm, deny or elaborate without feeling accused of something.
In his example of someone being angry, it's just addressing the obvious. Otherwise it would be pretending you don't know how to interpret or identify basic emotions. The other person can clarify and say something like. I'm not angry I'm frustrated... It just opens the communication up.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with most of your advice, but if someone responded to me with these phrases, I’d get more upset! Why? Because it sounds too psycho analytical and kinda fake. I get what your trying to achieve, but those buzz phrases would for some people, only escalate the situation. I think there are more authentic ways of diffusing that kind of situation.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Believe me, responding to criticism in a healthy way is something I will always need to work at. But like I said, if someone is obviously upset with me and my response back is ‘I see you’re upset.’, I would view that as condescending and as a prepared response and it would further frustrate me. It sounds superficial and trying to hit the ball back to them. Instead, hold on to the ball for awhile. Listen for as long as is necessary and don’t be mulling in your head these rubber stamped responses. Listen, really listen. If they are right and you truly are at fault, then just agree with them, that you were wrong. And then you will need to work on correcting the issue. If they aren’t right, tell them that you see it differently and see if an opportunity presents itself to explain why. But only after you have listened and they have shared. This allows them to get out a lot of their emotions and allows you time to process. If whose at fault isn’t clear, then, after listening, offer to work through the issue together. Get their perspective, how are they seeing it and share your point of view. If they are way too angry, then try to share with them that you are sorry about the situation or incident and that you’d like to work it out, but that can you both wait until things have calmed a little? The main point is to validate their feelings and perspective. Stating the obvious, ‘I see you’re upset’, comes across shallow or something I would say to a young child. By saying that, you’re putting it back on them to justify their anger, when that might only make the conversation go into a defensive mode, which, if you really are wrong or really want to resolve the issue, will possibly make that harder to accomplish. Personally, for me, if I was upset and the person’s first response was ‘I see you are upset.’ I’d be thinking this person is going try to do the switch up and I’d probably shut the conversation down until another time, because we ain’t gonna get anywhere if the other person has formula answers. I’ve raised five kids and I have learned every way a teenager can respond to their parents being upset and one of them is mirroring phrases, which is unacceptable in my books.
@@SeaTurtle515 I think this is excellent advice, but you are describing a somewhat advanced technique. I’m more so trying to help beginners. We both agree that being curious, listening, and then validating the other person’s perspective are key. You seem to be focused on the specific phrases I suggested, and you’d hear them as superficial or perfunctory. There’s definitely a risk of that happening. In my experience it’s all about how sincerely these lines are delivered. If delivered with genuine sincerity, they achieve the validation we’re looking for. And eventually, to validate, you’re going to need to name the other person’s feeling.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I think we are both saying similar things. I prefer listening and apologizing, if I’m in the wrong, as a good way to validate, or offering to work through an issue. The thing I try to avoid is putting someone, who is upset, on the defensive, by making them acknowledge the obvious, their feelings. We both know they are upset. BUT, how I RESPOND to their upset feelings can make or break any pathway to healing. Another way of approaching the situation is acknowledging why they would be upset at me and using that as a point of commonality. I don’t have a degree in psychology, but I do have a ‘degree’ in raising 5 teens! Lol! Believe me, Ive made my mistakes and have grown in my communication skills through my kids and I’m still growing. But honestly, I I was very upset at someone and just finished spilling my guts out to them and their first response was ‘I see that you are upset’, I would consider that a cop out reply and very invalidating. The discussion is not about how I’m feeling, but what went wrong. This isn’t advanced communication skills, it’s a reasonable pathway to healing a situation.
Personally, if someone approached me with these phrases i would feel annoyed. The intention is good, but the wording seems suited for children. I'd prefer something like 'I can tell you're __ , and i think i understand why. [insert observation].' The change in wording makes it feel more sincere.
Maris, I like the wording you did. Chriss Voss in his book suggests that we should avoid using "I". He argues that this bring the focus of the conversation to us and not to the other person. Maybe, as suggestion we could use: So, you are telling that _____. and then silence, so the other person can tell us if we understood it or not. What do you think?
I think you come off presuming you know “the truth”, and are correct. There is a humility of active listening that shares that the listener might not have it right... we must form the understanding together
@@hungjon Great observation about the importance of humility in listening. At some point, though, we have to paraphrase or try to name someone's feelings, and at that point we always run the risk of being wrong about what we thought we observed. As long as we're sincere and humble, I think people will forgive you for being wrong.
Sorry Joey! Too much preamble. Sometimes I like the sound of my own voice too much. I’ll try to do a better job getting down to business. Maybe if you fast forward past the intro you might get something useful out of the main part of the video. Thanks for the comment though. It helps me get better.
Actaully (being a communicative female?) I like how you focus on the intent of why your active listening as a qualifier before using stock phrases to help a person feel heard. @@HowCommunicationWorks
![How to Listen Without Arguing [Acknowledgement is not Agreement]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nrfjPr4xsIU/mqdefault.jpg)
1. You are ... (insert observation)
2. It sounds like ... (insert observation)
3. It seems like ... (insert observation)
4. What I'm hearing is ... (insert observation)
5. You seem to be saying that ... (insert observation)
thanks bro
Based on Voss'S Book no 4 is dangerous
I don’t recall him warning against this. Can you refresh my memory, maybe with a direct quote from the book so I can search for it in my Kindle edition?
On the chapter 3. LABELING ,and around page number 79, because the intensity of I is i only care about my prespective not your
Excellent thank you! I will reread this section. Appreciate your efforts to track it down for me.
Excellent. Easy to describe, a little harder to execute. Needs practice and sincerity.
As a trained counsellor ( but not working in the field due to my UK qualifications being non transferable here in the US) I can say that these basic skills will help anyone in life in their daily interactions with everyone we encounter and not just in a theraputic environment.
Thank you, Garry.
1. You are… (insert reflective emotion)
2. It sounds like …. (Insert observation)
3. It seems like …. ( insert behavioral observation)
4. What I’m hearing is… (insert clients narrative/observation)
5. You seem to be saying … (insert observation)
Thank you.
This works like magic with children. IN fact, sometimes they're so used to us reacting automatically, that when we stop contradicting what they feel ("oh, that's nothing) they are actually surprised. I learned this from the fabulous book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" (or something like that - I read it in Hebrew). I'm so glad to have found your channel (when googling for Paul Grice's maxims!) - lots of interesting info about communication. Thank you, Bruce!
Thank you! I love that book, and I used this approach with my children, also with great success.
Yes i agree this technique would work great on children.
I just stumbled on this channel and I greatly need this for my new job... This is my new favorite Channel!
This is very good. What I picked up also is the observations you are making are, after acknowledging their feeling, inserting an admission of my behavior, "when I did such and such." I like that because it puts each other on an equal footing. "You felt... when I did this...," rather than coming off like they are being accused of having a feeling that made no sense. It is helping to bring out the opportunity for the person to share and not hide their feelings about what I did or how they feel about me. And it shows my willingness to not be defensive and be supportive. When receiving abusive criticism, I can recognize it, pause, and say I appreciate the feedback but abusive criticism is not okay. I matter to you, to the family, or just "I matter" and "I do care about your feedback to improve our interactions." You know when to say no thank you to feedback when it does not come from wanting to improve the connection but to just beat you down or compete.
Thank you so much for this video! As a low key high-functioning Aspie, this has already cleared things up for me SO much. Unfortunately my intentions are ALWAYS pure and empathetic - even over-empathetic sometimes! Yet, due to my serious lack of ability to clearly communicate this, so many people think I don't care at all/am never listening... So again, thanks Bruce :)
Cireen Khan I’m so happy it was helpful to you Cereen. Please try it with some friends and let me know how it works. Try not to be discouraged if it doesn’t feel natural or work perfectly at first. It’s a skill and like any skill it takes practice to perfect.
If only more people would listen to this, they would really learn to communicate and understand each other.
I can see you are highly motivated to teach me these skills. Thank you.
Wow, you really need to start showing up on time. It seems that people are starting to get upset.
Just kidding, Bruce. Epic video!
I love how genuine/authentic you are.
I'm literally practicing while I'm watching so I can listen and learn! Thank you for teaching us from the kindness of your heart
Wonderful!
I love your videos, they are so helpful. I did not grow up in a household with good communication skills. Some people are hard to read. There’s something called “resting bitch face.” Some people when their spaces at rest they look angry, even though they’re not. This is why a smile can make all the difference, if they smile back then they’re not really angry, they just look angry. My husband has this problem and everybody thinks he’s mad all the time even though he’s not. I guess this is why we are encouraged to smile more often just in case we have this condition. 🥰
Amazing. I hope I can successfully integrate these phrases into my daily communications and be an example for my kids.
This is basically Chris voss’ never split the difference. As an adherent to those tactics, I can tell you they work amazingly well.
Yes. I hope I credited him in the video. Love his book.
Great tips!! All about validating people’s feelings. Thank you!
Thank you. I like the other video you did too about minimal encouragers. Going to listen to it now. ❤
I'm going to start inserting these into my arguments with people.
Dr Bruce
it seems like you are being very practical and avoiding abstract !
Thanks, Duggy.
How Communication Works
thanks.. more need to follow your style..
Great video. You are validating how the person is feeling along with along with active listening, rephrasing and empathetic responses.
Yes! Thank you!
thank you!! I'm preparing my self for the Australian occupational English test (OET) designed for health professionals and this video brought some light to me. :)
Glad it was helpful, Edo. These skills will be very useful in talking with patients. Good luck on your test. Come back and let me know how you did.
Simple and extremely useful 👌🏻 I wish I would’ve known these techniques before
Very good information! Excellent phrases.
Along with these skills, basic essential prequisits must be present. Empathy, a non judgmental attitude, the ability to empathize with the other person as far as possible, a level of congruence and honesty. There are other requirements too but they refere more to a professional interaction.
I agree completely, Garry. A sincere intention to help and be present are essential. Without them, these techniques are empty.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Hi. Thanks. I completed a 3 year advanced diploma in person centered (Rogerian based) back in 2004 just before leaving the military. I live in the US now and it is not of much use as you require a US degree so it's a bit disappointing to me. I now work as a security guard based on my military career. Still, the skills are there and I always like seriotitiously using my advanced listening and counselling skills in everyday interaction with people, especially when I detect that someone is emmotionally hurting. Once all the conditions are there, the process started and it's like magical process occuring.
@@garryharriman7349 What an interesting life story. Sorry to hear you can't get a license in the US. I agree completely with your description of what it's like to use these techniques. When it's working, it is like magic. Thanks for stopping by. One more question, do you use these techniques for de-escalation in your security job? If so, do they work?
@@HowCommunicationWorks That's a great question. I many settings, (health care settings like hospitals etc) it was great, especially for patients suffering from mental health issues, suicide (I manned a phone for a national suicide prevention charity in the UK- Samaritans and worked in addiction as a student and volunteer) and even staff because we all experience issues in our lives. I lived in Canada (Labrador) before settling in the US and travelled to remote communities delivering group therapy work shoes for indiginous people suffering from intergenerational trauma) and lucky enough to secure that job based on my experience and qualifications. Here in the US, education like health Care is at a premium, for those with money and means, thus a minimum of a Batchelors degree is required for work where a degree is really not required. I also think many degrees over here are not worth as much as in comparison to other countries. If I wish to get work in this area that I am passionate about, then I will have to complete a degree here in America and then seek the required license. Maths is my down fall and all these stupid add ons for a US degree is a way of making more money. Why should I have to be proficient at algebra to become a social worker or therapist? I work in nuclear security now (having left or being fired from other shitty security jobs where they hire anyone with a heart beat) so at least it is better paid with good benefits. I can see on line counselling on social media sites as possible option to people as a viable business. Maybe that's something you could consider. What is your background and life story? Cheers. Garry. South Carolina. 👍🇬🇧🇺🇸
Super helpful thanks for sharing!
thank you very much, struggling with this skill
It’s definitely a learnable skill. Keep practicing and you CAN master it.
Wow, this is brilliant, thank you. I’m learning a lot!
I practical all these technical skills as a Peer support specialist
this video lesson really helped me cant wait to apply
actual lesson starts at 3:02
But don’t you want to hear me ramble for the first 3 minutes?
@@HowCommunicationWorks I'm on the clock. Don't have the time. Sorry. Thank you for the video though!
As a counseling student,I found this as useful as butter on bread
How do you respond to their response to your observation? Interesting.
underrated channel
Thank you. Help me spread the word!
Liked the video. What's your opinion of NonViolent communication?
Recovery Results Thank you. I am a fan of non-violent communication, and this video is in part influenced by those ideas. I plan to do some videos on non-violent communication soon. I see you have one video on that topic which I look forward to checking out.
Watching this while searching for other videos and adding comments
Excellent!!! i like the term looping back
Arrrrrrggggghhhhh, love this! 😌❤
Thanks for the advice ☺️
Great content! Question? I often find myself saying, 'So, what your saying is... (insert observation)' as my way of active/reflective listening. Could my phrasing be used instead of 'What i'm hearing is...' or 'You seem to be saying...' ?
Of course. Your phrase will work just as well as the ones I’m suggesting. There’s nothing magic about the exact wording. Is the idea that counts.
very helpful content
The only problem with you are so-and-so, is that you are assuming rather than asking them.
But there’s a lot of great tips so thank you
Amazing! Thank you new subbie!
I have trouble listening and expressing myself with people. I hope listening will help me Express better
Good luck. I think these skills will help.
What I'm hearing is that all your examples seem to apply to confrontational conversations where someone is upset with you ? What phrases or techniques should be applied in just a normal conversation ? The same or different ?
If someone uses the same phrases over and over again, isn't there a point in which the other person is going to get annoyed, and perhaps reply with something like, 'Stop repeating (or rephrasing) everything I'm saying, and just listen !' ?
Thank you
You're welcome
"Be quiet and listen to the remainder of what people are saying."
I’m happy you made this video
Thank you. These techniques really work. I hope you get a chance to try them.
Good!
video starts at 3:03
Amazing video!
Thank you, chief!
Provide three variation of each of the five stock phase that you could potentially use? Anyone plz
nice work
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. Hope you find these techniques to be useful.
@@HowCommunicationWorks for sure it is.
Interesting however if I was angry at someone and then they said your first phrase I think I may just get more angry. So if I showed up late the first thing I would do is apologise then sit down and be quiet and listen.
You are not the first person to say this. In my experience, when I’ve named a person’s feelings, that’s never made them angrier. But my experience is limited, and people are different. I think it may have to do with the sincerity of the underlying intent. If it’s done in an insincere or manipulative way, it will probably backfire. But if it’s done earnestly, with an apology where appropriate, then I think it can work.
Bologna. No one tells someone who is angry, they are so, that would lead to rage. - Me
I’m not sure I understand. If someone is angry, you think it’s a bad idea to say something like, “You seem angry.”?
@@HowCommunicationWorks C.R.E.A.M seems to be saying that there is a discrepancy between "You are angry" and "You seem to be angry". One tells me what I am, which is a cognitive distortion of jumping to conclusions and one tells me what you observe and is probing and empathetic. When someone tells me "You are angry," etc, I stop listening, too.
I also use phrases like this in therapy, i.e. "What I hear you saying is__________, am I tracking you correctly? am I hearing that right? is that what you are trying to say?"
Then validating, "Shoot, I'd feel that way too!" or "I can imagine you would feel that way." "Your (feelings, thoughts, behavior) is understandable given how I know you care about ___________."
Really helpful videos and I enjoyed your presentation style! Thank you so much for these tips.
Natalie McBroom, LMFT
When I say “you’re angry” or “you’re upset” I say it with a questioning or tentative tone. I’ve never once had someone get upset with me for trying to name their emotions. The worst thing that’s ever happened is that they correct me and say something like “I’m not angry, I’m really frustrated” or something similar.
So, in this example, the person A is angry, so person B acknoledges she/he is angry, and then what? Like "you are late!" " oh! I sense anger" "of course, you are late for an important meeting" "so, you think this meeting was important"... It´s silly, goes nowhere and person A would get angrier and angrier when B states the obvious like a fair mentalist...
As simple way to learn reflective listening
To whoever is reading this- God loves you so so much,He wants to make everything okay with you❤️He knows your pain, He knows how you feel, He loves you so much and for that reason He sent Jesus (the worlds savior😊) to die so that we could all be made right with God if we asked for forgiveness and to start again through Him (because the thing that separates us from God is sin, which everyone of us has done, BUT God loved the world so much that He sent His Son to take the punishment for us & so that through Him we would be forgiven and have eternal life)💕He loves us so much that if we ask for forgiveness and a new start He will give it to us!His love is unconditional, His love is never ending, and His love is for you! He loves you just as much as anybody else! One of His promises is that He will never leave us, He is always going to stay by our side and in fact He always goes before us to work everything out!💕You matter so so much to Him, You are enough for Him, You are never to far away from Him- He loves you always! And the cool thing is that He wants a relationship with you! He wants a relationship with every single person, and He wants to make us all okay again!💕💕
If only people had the common sense to understand this..there might be alot less heartache in our lives
When dealing with someone that is angry with you the statement "You are...X" sound a bit accusatory. Doesn't the person just get angrier with you for trying to call them out?
It’s a fine line, for sure. I think some of these phrases can backfire even if you use them sincerely
So you seem to be saying (over the course of 7 minutes) to be observant and paraphrase what was said or what you noticed.
That’s right! Do you think 7 minutes was too long?
@@HowCommunicationWorks You think i am bored, and would rather watch porn?
@@RealMonoid Funny.
Sometimes I want my words to reflect how I genuinely mean to reflect empathy. I could understand it coming from a question asking perspective in order to clarify the impact and identifying and owning the impact without being seen as the negative person. When white men do this type of empathy in the form of redundant statements, it can be incredibly maddening. I feel condescended to when someone speaks to me like this. It would help to explain tone and intention. I feel like it would lend to more empathy in expression. I feel a lack of that in these statements.
Anything said without sincerity risks coming across as “mere technique.”
@@HowCommunicationWorks you didn't understand. It's in the arrangement of the words as well and the perspective, to which it may feel like empathy as person saying it. A lack of flexibility in either makes it feel like just words intending to do the work alone. Like I said, if you were to say those phrases to me I wouldn't trust you and I feel like a psychologist or someone patriarchal explaining my emotions to me. It feel odd and lacking in an emotional insight of a situation or person who you're talking to. Reductive really.
@@MrNicoleCherie So what would sound like empathy?
@@HowCommunicationWorks a verbal reflection of the emotion that seems identifiable, followed by some type of accountability (with an attempt to reflect) and a check in question, something like "is this accurate or ok?" Maybe showing an emotional vulnerability if it feel suitable. And doing so without putting the emotion in reaction to you entirely on them. Because yes, while it is a reaction they have, it's to you as well. This being in response to an apology. Understanding active listening is a broad thing and not just in apologizing. To me that would be a start.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I'm addition if the question attempting to validate the experience comes up with a "no sorry, wrong answer" then asking a curious question like you just did that allows the person the space to explain. Thank you for that. Empathy is sometimes putting yourself in a place to learn and you won't have control all the time. Making a controlling statement will be infuriating to people who can describe their emotions much more than just being "fill in the blank." Especially for women and/or people of color. It's can be incredibly rude and like the pace of the conversation is inevitably going to be conducted by the person who has the most social power.
1:42: Disclaimer for the 5 phrases
2:57: the phrases start
Voss recently posted a video that gave a very deep insight into fine tuning the use of those phrases, how they are not interchangeable, and how each has a different kind of push or pull on the other person. Heavy stuff here.
th-cam.com/video/g4WyKoifl9A/w-d-xo.html
I’ll check that out as soon as I can. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
What happens when you reflect and they say, "No duh, I just said that"?
That’s a risk no doubt. I’ve had that happen to me. But the majority of the time people just enjoy being listened to and validated.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Ok thanks. It's only happened to me like once or twice but it really shuts me down. Guess I have to remind myself that there will always be people who just aren't in the mood but they don't represent everyone else.
I'm Sorry what was that ¿
lol
Great video, but why don't you 🤣just arrive earlier?
That would solve everything, wouldn’t it?
@@HowCommunicationWorksSolve everything? That is right. It sounds like you feel obligated to apologize. Yeah yeah yeah 😊
💯👌👍❤️😍
Nothing for first 3 minutes. Oh my god 😢
Are u constantly late or something?
DUMP THE FIRST ONE! Never tell someone what they are or aren't! The other ones, #2-5 are good ("it seems/sounds like" etc); they give the person a chance to affirm, deny or elaborate without feeling accused of something.
In his example of someone being angry, it's just addressing the obvious. Otherwise it would be pretending you don't know how to interpret or identify basic emotions. The other person can clarify and say something like. I'm not angry I'm frustrated... It just opens the communication up.
Exactly.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with most of your advice, but if someone responded to me with these phrases, I’d get more upset! Why? Because it sounds too psycho analytical and kinda fake. I get what your trying to achieve, but those buzz phrases would for some people, only escalate the situation. I think there are more authentic ways of diffusing that kind of situation.
I’m open to your ideas. What would you suggest?
@@HowCommunicationWorks Believe me, responding to criticism in a healthy way is something I will always need to work at. But like I said, if someone is obviously upset with me and my response back is ‘I see you’re upset.’, I would view that as condescending and as a prepared response and it would further frustrate me. It sounds superficial and trying to hit the ball back to them. Instead, hold on to the ball for awhile. Listen for as long as is necessary and don’t be mulling in your head these rubber stamped responses. Listen, really listen. If they are right and you truly are at fault, then just agree with them, that you were wrong. And then you will need to work on correcting the issue. If they aren’t right, tell them that you see it differently and see if an opportunity presents itself to explain why. But only after you have listened and they have shared. This allows them to get out a lot of their emotions and allows you time to process. If whose at fault isn’t clear, then, after listening, offer to work through the issue together. Get their perspective, how are they seeing it and share your point of view. If they are way too angry, then try to share with them that you are sorry about the situation or incident and that you’d like to work it out, but that can you both wait until things have calmed a little? The main point is to validate their feelings and perspective. Stating the obvious, ‘I see you’re upset’, comes across shallow or something I would say to a young child. By saying that, you’re putting it back on them to justify their anger, when that might only make the conversation go into a defensive mode, which, if you really are wrong or really want to resolve the issue, will possibly make that harder to accomplish. Personally, for me, if I was upset and the person’s first response was ‘I see you are upset.’ I’d be thinking this person is going try to do the switch up and I’d probably shut the conversation down until another time, because we ain’t gonna get anywhere if the other person has formula answers. I’ve raised five kids and I have learned every way a teenager can respond to their parents being upset and one of them is mirroring phrases, which is unacceptable in my books.
@@SeaTurtle515 I think this is excellent advice, but you are describing a somewhat advanced technique. I’m more so trying to help beginners. We both agree that being curious, listening, and then validating the other person’s perspective are key. You seem to be focused on the specific phrases I suggested, and you’d hear them as superficial or perfunctory. There’s definitely a risk of that happening. In my experience it’s all about how sincerely these lines are delivered. If delivered with genuine sincerity, they achieve the validation we’re looking for. And eventually, to validate, you’re going to need to name the other person’s feeling.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I think we are both saying similar things. I prefer listening and apologizing, if I’m in the wrong, as a good way to validate, or offering to work through an issue. The thing I try to avoid is putting someone, who is upset, on the defensive, by making them acknowledge the obvious, their feelings. We both know they are upset. BUT, how I RESPOND to their upset feelings can make or break any pathway to healing. Another way of approaching the situation is acknowledging why they would be upset at me and using that as a point of commonality. I don’t have a degree in psychology, but I do have a ‘degree’ in raising 5 teens! Lol! Believe me, Ive made my mistakes and have grown in my communication skills through my kids and I’m still growing. But honestly, I I was very upset at someone and just finished spilling my guts out to them and their first response was ‘I see that you are upset’, I would consider that a cop out reply and very invalidating. The discussion is not about how I’m feeling, but what went wrong. This isn’t advanced communication skills, it’s a reasonable pathway to healing a situation.
Video starts 3:00
First 3 minutes are windbaggery.
Thanks for watching!
Personally, if someone approached me with these phrases i would feel annoyed. The intention is good, but the wording seems suited for children. I'd prefer something like 'I can tell you're __ , and i think i understand why. [insert observation].' The change in wording makes it feel more sincere.
Good suggestions. I think what matters most is to say these things sincerely so they don’t sound like scripted techniques.
Maris, I like the wording you did. Chriss Voss in his book suggests that we should avoid using "I". He argues that this bring the focus of the conversation to us and not to the other person. Maybe, as suggestion we could use: So, you are telling that _____. and then silence, so the other person can tell us if we understood it or not. What do you think?
I think you come off presuming you know “the truth”, and are correct. There is a humility of active listening that shares that the listener might not have it right... we must form the understanding together
@@hungjon Great observation about the importance of humility in listening. At some point, though, we have to paraphrase or try to name someone's feelings, and at that point we always run the risk of being wrong about what we thought we observed. As long as we're sincere and humble, I think people will forgive you for being wrong.
poverties your here from school work
I’m not sure I understand this comment.
POV
Seriously, dude...it took you over 3 minutes to get to the point. Sorry, I stopped listening.
Sorry Joey! Too much preamble. Sometimes I like the sound of my own voice too much. I’ll try to do a better job getting down to business. Maybe if you fast forward past the intro you might get something useful out of the main part of the video. Thanks for the comment though. It helps me get better.
Perhaps I need to learn to listen more and talk less, LOL.
Joey Ingles You and me both, Joey. You and me both.
Actaully (being a communicative female?) I like how you focus on the intent of why your active listening as a qualifier before using stock phrases to help a person feel heard.
@@HowCommunicationWorks
Thanks Meg.