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- Negotiation isn’t about logic & reason. It’s about emotional intelligence, explains former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss.
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Emotional intelligence and tactical empathy are key to successful negotiating, says former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss. He highlights the value of understanding and addressing the other party's emotional standpoint in both business and personal negotiations. By doing so, people can make better deals and foster long-term relationships.
Voss emphasizes the importance of addressing people's fears and practicing tactical empathy through labeling. This approach involves identifying and acknowledging the emotions involved in the negotiation. By listening carefully and discerning the underlying motivations and concerns, negotiators can guide discussions more effectively and achieve mutually beneficial outcomes. Being nice to others can often lead to surprising results, proving the power of empathy and understanding in negotiations.
0:00 What drives people?
1:18 Negotiation is NOT about logic
2:14 1. Emotionally intelligent decisions
3:00 2. Mitigate loss aversion
4:48 3. Try “listener’s judo”
5:54 Practice your negotiating skills
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About Chris Voss:
Chris Voss is the Founder and CEO of the Black Swan Group Ltd. He has used his many years of experience in international crisis and high stakes negotiations to develop a unique program and team that applies these globally proven techniques to the business world. Prior to 2008, Chris was the was the lead international kidnapping negotiator for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, as well as the FBI's hostage negotiation representative for the National Security Council's Hostage Working Group. During his government career he also represented the U.S. Government at two (2) international conferences sponsored by the G-8 as an expert in kidnapping. Prior to becoming the FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator, Christopher served as the lead Crisis Negotiator for the New York City Division of the FBI. Christopher was a member of the New York City Joint Terrorist Task Force for 14 years. He was the case agent on such cases as TERRSTOP (the Blind Sheikh Case - Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman), the TWA Flight 800 catastrophe and negotiated the surrender of the first hostage taker to give up in the Chase Manhattan bank robbery hostage taking.
During Chris's 24 year tenure in the Bureau, he was trained in the art of negotiation by not only the FBI, but Scotland Yard and Harvard Law School. He is also a recipient of the Attorney General's Award for Excellence in Law Enforcement and the FBI Agents Association Award for Distinguished and Exemplary Service. Chris currently teaches business negotiation in the MBA program as an adjunct professor at University of Southern California's Marshall School of Business and at Georgetown University's McDonough School of Business. He has taught business negotiation at Harvard University, guest lectured at The Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University, The IMD Business School in Lausanne, Switzerland and The Goethe School of Business in Frankfurt, Germany. Since 2009 Christopher has also worked with Insite Security as their Managing Director of the Kidnapping Resolution Practice.
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“If you’re nice to someone it’s amazing what they’ll do for you”
Applies both ways. If you’re rude, belittling and hostile, then it will often result in that person turning against the very point you were trying to make.
only applies to children who let their minds be riled by ego and their hurt feelings
if you come across someone who is intelligent and inherently selfish, they won't care what you have to say regardless of how "nice" you are.
Kindness wins most hearts while niceness is weak
@@nathansilvestre1866 It applies to everyone, everywhere. People including you and me are only grown ups childs
i think this is the wrong usage of applies both ways as the quote implies ur statement 😂
generally speaking, being nice to others for personal gain doesnt hurt anyone, but it does have some kind of weird internal web of moral conflict. my father was all about manipulation so i guess i am biased on this topic
I remember years ago I had to attend meetings with the department heads of a company. The department heads were highly educated engineers and scientists but it was the HR manager who guided those discussions. She simply had higher emotional intelligence levels than everyone else in the room. The others didn’t even realize that she was guiding the conversations. I was often in awe of her because if she had wanted to do so, she could have completely controlled that company. Since then, I have noticed the same thing in other meetings. The person who understood human psychology the best was often the one actually in charge.
That sounds so fascinating to look at. I still have to witness it, and would like to become more like that myself. In a world were each one of us is focused on what's going on inside our head, and have to guess what others are thinking, the person who knows, leads
It’s true, HR directors, managers, etc. are the most conniving and disingenuous people you will meet 😅
@@rushmaticHR works for the company. At all times. That’s all you need to know when it comes to HR.
Yeah nah, HR is usiess 99% of the time
treating everything like a nail(all in war) is as stupid as Titan CEO's all or nothing strategy for his submersible vehicle. A hostage negotiation is vastly different than a work negotiation, or a business negotiation, or relationship negotiation. You simply can't copy and paste one model into a different situation. Only If the situation matches close enough to make the all in tactic valid.
As a Small Claims Mediator, I saw a lot of agreements.
I found that my role was to assist the people in hearing each other effectively.
Once people perceive that they are understood, the dispute resolves quickly.
We need this between Russia and USA (Putin & Biden).
@@joshuab2437: Not going to happen because Putin can’t be trusted to honor his agreements.
@@joshuab2437 you're assuming they want peace....
How to Win Friends and Influence People
@stachowi funny how I never made that assumption for any of the hundreds of mediations I conducted.
I found that everyone wants their own idea of "fair" or "justice."
Some folks only want to "win."
At the end of the video, the Big Think staff seem to have learnt a great deal from the professor.
Loss aversion isn't ridiculous; it makes perfect sense actually. The thing is, gaining and losing aren't symmetrical. You can gain and gain and gain, at least theoretically, and even so, you never win the game of life. However, you can only lose so much until you hit the number 0, at which point, you've washed out of the game of life entirely. E.g., right now, you have just enough money for a meal -- say, $5. You gain a dollar, you have $6. You lose a dollar, however, you no longer can afford a meal. The +/- directions aren't balanced in other words.
Brilliant.
Good perspective - makes total sense explained like that.
Just comes off as defending a bias that's been shown to cause illogical choices for a long time now. i'll even use your example of a $5 meal.
You have $4. Is a loss and gain equivalent for $1 now?
Same context, opposite answer as your $6 condition. Why? Because these are two skewed examples.
The reason this bias is irrational is because it causes people to stick to a status quo when they could have easily guaranteed a small loss and a big gain simultaneously. If someone said "give me $5 now and i'll give you $10 tomorrow," in nearly all circumstances that's a goos deal if true. If you deny the opportunity you may have good judgment though, because odds are anyone that desperate for $5 isn't someone financially trustworthy.
Risk affords opportunities, but mostly for the rich who can afford to lose before their next win. If your loss sets you up to win, many people will still avoid it, perhaps because the availability bias on imagining a loss vs the less obvious outcome where losses can invest into a win, which happens in more situations than you might initially believe.
Run the numbers or read a research article if you wanna understand it, but rationality is always context-dependent whereas the loss aversion is constant in most people.
Gaining 100% doubles your money, losing 100% means you have nothing.
5+1-1=5 what are you on
I work in Customer Service and it's funny when angry customers say, "I'm not getting off the phone until I get what I want!" You basically become the hostage and your own negotiator at that point. Staying calm and genuinely trying to remain helpful is quite an interesting challenge when someone is threatening you. I see it as a win if I keep my head in the game and try to help them. Yes, Losing feels worse than winning feels good.
I always laughed (to myself) when someone said that because I already knew that 1. they almost certainly will not get what they're demanding, and 2. they are going to hang up happy anyway. Because what they REALLY want is someone to hear their complaints and be sympathetic. With a caller like that all you have to do is listen to their complaints and agree that they should not have been treated that way.
Then you tell them what you're allowed to do, which is not going to be what they demanded up front, and they'll be happy with it because you treated them well.
@@Oberon4278this is definitely how you handle it! You can apple this logic in many fields, which is so helpful once you learn to stay calm when being yelled at
Losing 5 dollars stings at least twice as much as gaining 5 dollars. Well said sir.
He said 7x. $35.
Beautiful and helpful!
One thought at “If you’re nice to someone it’s amazing what they’ll do for you”
Yes, be respectful and understanding, but only because it's the way to go - not because you want something from it. Don't be nice for the sake of getting something. Be understanding, patient, respectful, while maintaining the communication (whatever it is you're asserting).
That may be more true in situations that are not life-threatening. Remember, this guy was a hostage negotiator. It would be impossible to hide that he wants something.
Love this comment. Being nice and respectful should be an end, not a means to get what you want. Many people tho, get it wrong
@ Ellen Grace: well, you're right, that's a good point, and difficult to wrap my head around. Maybe the point is not hiding what you want, we all know the other wants something. If anything, trying to hide a part of the communication would result in the entirety of it feeling untrue. But by genuinely keeping in mind the well being of other people you can kinda bring the gunman on your side and make them work with you? I don't know, you got me going down the rabbit hole. If you keep the well being of hostages in mind, you'll get through to the gunman, and he'll follow your lead of considering what's best for them too? Sorry for the long rant, that was a good point you made
Everyone is nice because we ultimately want something. For example, even if you don't want material help, you might want to make friends or just want to feel good from being nice.
What makes you think that we should not be nice for the sake of getting something?
If your goals are pure, you share them simply, and you make it clear that you understand the other person's goals, then it's pretty easy to see how that fosters cooperation's emergence from two interacting agents. Whole > sum of parts. Basis of society, multicellularity, and seemingly a lot of microscopic physical processes as well. Apes together strong.
From this video I understand that:
It is important for the relationship to listen carefully, express your thoughts clearly and find mutually beneficial solutions. It is also important to focus on partnerships and maintain constructive dialogue.
👍
A Well informed and very intelligent professor. As someone who has to deal with about 50 customers almost daily with cell phone problems, (in person) Big Think videos has helped me over the years improve my emotional intelligence, they are spot on. I now see my clients as a learning opportunity to genuinely identify and understand their emotions on a daily basis and as the professor mentioned, act on that understanding. In this day and age, our lives is on our cell phones, thus people get really angry. My business has significantly grown, become a lot easier and more enjoyable. If only I can get my employees to be that resilient. Lol
I just read your book "Never Split the Difference." It's potentially life changing. I'll keep coming back to it every year
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:00 🧠 Emotional intelligence is crucial in negotiations, understanding human emotions and motivations.
01:01 💰 Successful negotiations rely on emotional intelligence, not just logic or compromise.
02:06 🤝 Understanding the other party's perspective and passions is essential for effective negotiation.
03:16 ⚖️ Fear of loss often drives decision-making more than potential gains in negotiations.
03:48 👂 Tactically empathetic negotiation involves addressing fears and diffusing fear-based thinking.
04:18 🏷️ Labeling negative dynamics can diminish their impact and facilitate communication.
04:55 🔊 Advanced listening techniques reveal underlying emotions and perspectives in conversations.
06:25 😊 Being nice and recognizing positive aspects of interactions can lead to better outcomes in negotiations.
Made with HARPA AI
Thankyou ❤
Thank you
This video should be entitled "the zen of negotiation". As much as a negotion tips video, this is a roadmap to maturity and human understanding. Thank you!
Chris Voss was great as a guest today, I remember reading his book right before covid hit. Can we see more of him please?
I'm looking it up cause I'd love to read something of his. Any suggestions?
@@saramarzoli9647 Never split the difference
If you are nice with people it’s amazing what they do for you!!
Biggest overlooked lesson in business
Chris Voss' Never Split the Difference is a must-read for sure! Big Think always with the best content.
Bro wins every argument against his wife
His book Never Split the Difference is such a wonderful text. I’ve listened to the audiobook version a few times and it’s helped a ton
I have read Never Split The Difference and it is astounding the principles I have learnt. Chris is amazing.
I love this dude, I have 3 hard copies of his book and read it like 5 times. My main take away is that people is not the problem, it’s the unresolved issue, if you can pinpoint that, have empathy and understanding, you come out on top. I work in business and use his Black Swan method daily. I say as I usually say to my friends: If you only could read one book in your life, this is the one.
Which book should i read?
@satriawira9463 It's called "Never Split The Difference." My boss recommended it to me. I'm still in the middle of reading it.
I remember incorporating some his teachings from the book towards selling my truck awhile back and I ended up getting my asking price while leaving the buyer with a feeling of satisfaction over a good deal as well
I love how he emphasizes the importance of listening. It’s a truest valuable skill set
Hello I hope you don't mind telling the name of the book, please.
@@jesusacosta6815 Never Split the Difference
But even more importantly, be nice to people because kindness is its own reward.
Today's learning basically is
Give your empathy/
Don't persuade them/
Be with them/ Be theirs
If you get successful at letting them understand that s/he won, you won
Here, s/he winning means they won your empathy
So, in summary it's a win win game
*there
@@burnyizland theirs*
@@abhishalsharma1628 Sure, that works too.
Takeaways, be nice, appreciate them for being there to negotiate in the first place, listen to what they want out of the deal and then try to come up with a good way to present your offers.
Twice in public I've helped calm people down. Once n a senior center, once in a park -- both times "things" were going off the rails. I go over and agree with them -- louder and more adjectives. Spend about 20 seconds doing that and half their anger vanishes because they know "somebody gets it".
Then one time I talked with the woman a little more; she was really angry her daughter had cut her long hair before her wedding. Turns out Mom and daughter had had a bedtime routine forever, Mom combing out her daughter's hair. By then the woman was calm enough I felt I should leave as I'm not a trained therapist but I would guess that for for both Mom and daughter cutting the hair off was a way of saying "good bye" to the past. That was in the Sr. Center.
In the park the woman was with family and after I had intruded (I know that's how her family saw it) and the woman had calmed enough to talk to her family I just said something like "I wish everything good for you." I walked away. I don't know what the core problem was, I just saw this older lady becoming hysterical and I wanted to help her get off that self defeating "high".
Oh, I'm 70, a retired school librarian and teacher. I read about this technique somewhere, I don't remember where. Used it with kids too sometimes although it was never so intense.
Fantastic, I send you hugs and kisses.
I truly agree with the speaker about the ideas of saying nice things to people when you are negotiating! It works, thanks a lot!
I agree too
Negotiating with aggressive people is not worth it. But if a person is adequate, then you can first listen to them and be empathetic towards them. Do not spoil your mentality and mood. It will be right to resolve the negotiations by compromise or concessions.
I agree with you
I agree. Most of the time the aggression is not even attached to the negotiation. Its stems from something previous. They came like that and will probably leave like that, (aggressively)
A well-delivered speech, like the one in the video, always does the job in difficult negotiations!!! GOOD JOB MAN
This is not only important in hostage scenes, but also in our workplace...
I need a series of lectures from this guy ..
Your book, "Never Split The Difference.." is a must read! Thought-provoking indeed!
Good stuff. You made me think deeper about my activity today and how I could improve.
The fact the film crew found that last story so amazing says everything about people's mentality these days.
Balance is key. If you're too nice, people take advantage. If you're wretched and caustic, you'll be stonewalled. Reflection is important.
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
His tone is calm and soothing.
What a brilliant negotiator! I learned nothing, yet feel smarter. He even hinted that he appreciates my wasted time!
said the smooth brain individual
@@kasugasawa839 smooth brain individuals think that he said something new and awe-inspiring, while he just spilled a few obvious but sweet nothings.
@@Olothur if you fail to gain something from his statements, i think you need to read more books or journals, because i can immediately linked every point to some of my reading materials
@@kasugasawa839 I gained nothing because all this 'revelations' were obvious for anyone who goes outside at least twice a week. If you needed a book to substitute for touching grass, well, you did your homework badly, calling someone a smooth brain while being oblivious for your own stupidity.
@@kasugasawa839 Great negotiating there dude!
“Being understood is more important than getting what they want” 😮💨
you know I've always told myself that I'd rather marry someone older than me and at least he'll love me for the rest of my life
As a behavior specialist. a common starting point is key. My share.... I was having mad mega issues with a credit card.... ( a premier well known card) like 3 months of issues while my partner was in south America working. I don't know how many times I called customer service, emailed, and wrote two letters. I was on hold for over an hour multiple times. The issue was always allegedly fixed but it was never resolved. Finally one day my case was escalated to an executive who fixed their issue in about 30 seconds. She said wow, looking over these notes I would be pissed by now. I learned as a behavior specialist getting mad rarely solves a problem.
I really enjoyed watching this video.
Thanks for sharing
The lost art of listening. How often we failed to put ourselves in another's shoes jumping to conclusion and judgement? Often times people just want to be heard.
ironically wanting to be heard is also a reason most people dont put themselves in another's shoes and only want to be heard, not to hear others out
Lex Fridman has long podcast with Chris Voss. I learned a lot, while listening. Great talk.
Lex Fridman is the pseudointellectual savior of uneducated people. He is a fraud and has no ties to MIT.
I really liked this well informative video, it explained a lot of necessaries information. Thanks a million✨
Great video. Lots of critical points. Listener's Judo is very real.
An important part of negotiating is making the person feel like you’re on their level and understand them from their point of view
Making cut-throat negotiations sound like therapy sessions...
I guess that's how you put yourself in a position of power (therapist), defuse your own fear of loss and set the negotiation frame.
Brilliant
Defuse your own fear of loss. That's very interesting to keep in mind
Cut throat negotiation?
This best to do it. What a man
Have just finished reading “Never Split the difference” by Chris Voss. And m never the same person again.
Thank you for all of this video
that really did help a lot!!!
Awesome class, wish I had seen this before! hahaha thank you Mr. Voss and Big Think :)
There are many different types of negotiations… I can remember folks in business trying to set the “stage or universe” of terms by starting way high. It’s insulting at times, but I also remember when it was obvious they didn’t want an agreement, but rather wanted the fight or the “marketing” which came from that fight. When it gets into life or death or even governance issues on large scales… the layers and connections get to be a lot. The understandability of more platitude centric advertising isn’t ok… more informed stake holders help some.
Also, negotiating with zealot or dysfunction… those determinations matter. So many things. Hard very hard matters… I have a lot of respect for people who work in these very dire circumstances.
Of everyone I meet in life, 50% fear loss, and the other 50% hope to gain. Such as life, now you know.
Awesome information. Thank you for sharing
Tip #1: drop their IP address in the chat
you're not funny
It's easy to apply one-on-one, much harder if you are dealing with two large groups that also have complex internal relationships and factions.
Not me watching an FBI agent talk about hostage negotiations to prepare for asking my boss for a promotion
Guiding the conversation to actions not words
i love this episode. very informative and well presented.
i really appreciate how generous younhave been with you tirm.........translate to bangla pls? 🇧🇩
I needed this video
A much needed video...
Love the confidence in his voice
Are you sengle ?
Airplain helecopter cars hauses and buildings
People (other negotiators) study these methods, but then when they hear it used on them, they still can't resist!!!
Insanely interesting topic
The story he shared at the end is so true, I work at a hotel and we get shit for things completely out of my control all the time so my guard is always up when I have to deal with someone but if I can help someone truly depends on how they behave, if youre a dick throughout the interaction I will just pretend there is nothing I can do for you but if its a nice or at the very least polite decent person I’ll go the extra mile to see what I can help you with.
Reading negotiations, applying but never working until learning in every case we have to eat anger and brings value to customer with low expectations
Funny thing about this video is there is no secret FBI voodoo or a skill you haven't heard about.
Good parents and teachers have told you forever to listen, have empathy, be kind, clear and concise.
It went over their head because social skill wasn't the thing around children anyways. It's adult stuff
Love the Kahneman shoutout there. Dude is a legend.
I work with elderly dementia people and negotiating with them is a huge challenge. Logic reasoning generally does not work. Then add in a language barrier it's tough but can be rewarding if you get a smile a laugh some positive reaction.
love this guy
I read his book . It's a great read and I highly recommend it
Awesome content
This guy is great
You can get someone to do something using two ways.
1) You make them want to do it.
2) You force them to do it.
From Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Thanks, it worked!
much of this dovetails with my own personal experience. human beings are at their core storytellers, going all the way back to the caves. telling stories is how we teach, how we communicate, and most critically how we present ourselves both to the world and to our OWN selves. in a very real way, we ARE the stories we tell, to others, and to ourselves, and we understand the world through those stories. so understanding a person's internal story, their narrative, is the key to achieving a positive negotiation with them... because once you can understand their story and how they tell it to themselves, you can sort of 'write yourself' into that story in a way that best fits their narrative, and in a way that can lead you to achieving the result you are seeking.
Thanks!
he's practived a lot. even the tone of his voice is soothing.
Very informative, he could think about losing the nefarious laugh though xD
From his book I learned basically, be a good listener.
Wish that he had a course teaching us how to negotiate
His book is pretty awesome
The term "tactical empathy" is frankly terrifying. But then again, this IS a guide to emotional manipulation.
His book never split the difference is one of the best book
*I prefer learning from **_Rich_** Voss!*
He’sh da besht!
I red his book about negotiating and its really good.
His newsletters are also very helpful.
Where does persuasion stop and manipulation start? The two are pretty similar..Maybe the answer is in who is using the skill and how it's being used 🤔
Yes, it’s in intent.
Everything is manipulation technically; it’s tricky to draw lines about such
Communication is about language. If two people don't share the same language, there's no communication. By signaling that you understand, by behaving and speaking in a way they understand, that will put them at ease. Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it that gets your message across. That is not manipulation.
@@BigHenFor he's always says stuff like: there is always a fool and there a sucker.
Loss aversion theory is actually very accurate. If you do a study on kids that are let’s say 7-12 years old. And you give each of them 5 bucks then you say if you are willing to play a game and roll this dice. If it’s above 2 then you win 5 more bucks, but you lose all your money if it’s not (dice is 1-6). I’m certain the kids would choose to not play the game even though their chances of winning was higher.
Psychopaths like to combine two of tactics into a mind trick. People are loss averse and like it when others are nice. So, when you start out nice and convince the other side you’re making an effort, it makes the other party hesitant to lose the “good” feeling even if that means giving up something else.
This guy wrote a book called Never Split the Difference. It's a life-altering read, truly changed my relationships professionally and personally. If you actually take your time reading the book and applying it's principles, you'll never truly "fight" with anyone again. Conflicts simply become problems to surpass together, not arguments that lead nowhere.
The book was really really good.
Thank you for mediating, chris. The first thing I wanna say is that I really dont know what this is all about. But, this time, could ypu be so kind like to consider ai really dont, or at least ai dont know that I know?
This 's great❤❤
Emotion that’s it!!! People are emotional creatures who want to be heard
Amazing.
Great advisory
“Ron Shapiro” the power of nice - good job coach. I like the idea of tactical emotional intelligence it’s necessary but not sufficient yet…
Honestly, I think the biggest skill people forget to learn is, to know how to listen. This works with anything, job, relationships, meeting new people, negotiating etc. ANY interacting with people. People nowadays don't know how to listen and they aren't in the "now" which is causing them to be unfocused. People want to be listened to, they want to be heard, you don't even have to say much other than to acknowledge you are listening by providing few points here and there to relate to the subject for them to open up to you, and you'd be surprised how easy it is.
Learn how to listen.
It's better to learn to be content than to learn how to better manipulate...
I have to agree, when you hear him talk about how using logic or reason to come to a solution and instead just pray on people's emotions to get what YOU want, it sounds really creepy. Like he doesn't want what's best, he wants whats best FOR HIM.
You can deffinitely tell he was a POLICE negotiator, where the job is to just fool the criminal into thinking they will get anything other than a beating at gunpoint, and a quick trip to a life sentance.
So good.