The MANY ways people get BLAMED in narcissistic relationships
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Narcissists will blame you for EVERYTHING and take accountability for NOTHING. Everything will always be YOUR FAULT.
Sounds like 80% -90% of the commenters on here.
@sunbeam9222 You don't say.
And everyone will believe their crazy stories
@@Depplova81 check the comments. It's mainly that in display
@@sunbeam9222 * Looks at you* Mmhm.
“How/why would you leave that beautiful house?” Yes it was beautiful, and I was unhappy every. single. day.
Freedom..true freedom is priceless and can never compare to material possessions.
that's so crazy for them to say that. A house is an inanimate object. It's the people inside that "beautiful house" that you're leaving.
I hope ur happy now.
I did 14 years in a beautiful house. Plenty of money. Miserable
Me too
Blame the victim but not the narcissist, that's the kind of mind twisted society we may all had experienced.
Society needs more education on narcissism 🫡🇺🇸🇬🇧
When I would stand in my reality or stand up for myself I would be called crazy, drama queen or told I was exaggerating, liar, etc. It all made me sick to my stomach.😢 I slowly started distancing myself and became more clear headed and worked on my mind, health, and overall sanity.
Yes, and when you get accused of being spiteful for wanting to get away from them and cut contact with the narc from people who should know you've never done a spiteful thing in your life. Their way of dealing with the cognitive dissonance that surely must lurk somewhere.
Look back at very early developmental years. When we cried, when an infant cries, the attempt is first to silence the cries.
We are woke to know tat when wronged we will protest but far too many want their peace and quiet.
Keep protesting, you're doing right.
❤❤
I can totally relate to your comment.
The irony is that it’s the light, the good qualities in the victim, which attracts the narcissist
Newsflash! There are actually people who have not done a thing to anyone, who are being tormented!!!
Truth!!!
You just described my life for the last 40 years always wondering what the Hell. Doing the right thing but being blamed for everything, always wrong, devalued, undermine, lied about, lied to, it just never ends. Constant blow ups, no back up, no support, no loyalty and it's always my fault.
Ditto here. Sigh
Same here. But now after over a year of healing. And living in a calm home. I am like I don't care about the narcissists in my family anymore. 54 years is enough.
Same here.
The worst is when they ask you why you stayed so long. 😢
Why not? Isn't it part of recovery to explore that? I stayed for 6 years in a relationship where I felt horrible 99% of the time. That question was actually very helpful to me.
I get it... because the implication is that it couldn't have been that bad if you stayed or got sucked back in. It ties into the judgement against you that it just didn't work out, you're emotional, bitter... and so you're trying to control the narc and the narrative of the break up. It's not YOUR truth, it's THE truth. They're such masters of deception.
There is a point in recovery when that question feels less like being sucker punched and left for dead on the side of the road, and it takes quite a bit of time.
This is an important question and the only one who needs to genuinely know is you.
No-one else.
Why did I stay so long?
I had a very unsettled childhood, don't like abandoning other people by giving up on them, I was raised by constantly being told that I was the problem, "why can't you just be normal", "I would be happy if you weren't so selfish", "are you really going to throw away X years", "after everything I've done for you"
The fundamental thing is we're convinced that we are the problem and that this person, group, organisation would be genuinely happier without us.
Problem is, they aren't happier without us.
You are worthy of partnership and respect
“What have you got to be depressed about?” “If I ever had a problem I would talk to [your husband]. He’s so kind and compassionate.”
ugh! I once heard something similar at an old job by a coworker. I let out a long sigh and she started yelling at me "WHAT DO *YOU* HAVE TO SIGH ABOUT?! STOP DOING THAT! IT'S BAD LUCK!" I was all like WTF?! I said nothing in return.
oh my word. I have just decided not to get it from pipo but myself. And I don't care what the narc feels knowing there is no tru love in a narc.
Hah!!!! Communication was impossible
🤮
For as many times as I’ve heard “if I have an issue I will talk with you about it” I’d be rich
Pathologizing and blaming the confused target of a narcissist can result in suicide.
I can attest to this. Literally, I told my family today that I've never contemplated suicide ever until today. My narc has completely broken me. The abuse, gaslighting, lies, and manipulation are almost too much to bear, especially when you reach out to authorities and no one is willing to help you.
Leading by example, You are believed. You are worthy and will move on to peace and happiness. My narc ex husband tried to get the best of me but he was the one who was sick, insecure, afraid and abused by his narc parents growing up. You have the empathy, the insight, the courage and strength to pull through! Best to you!!!
Yup.
@@leadingbyxamplesame. My family doesn’t care.
My pastor and his wife asked me to meet with them about the breakdown of the marriage. They told me it was all in confidence. They told my soon to be ex everything I said. I had to pack an emergency bag and hide out because of the possible wrath. My heart was broken. A betrayal like that is horrible.
That is disgusting
That is horrible I am so sorry you had to deal with that!
Thats so hypocritical of the pastor. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
❤ and prayers are with you. I hope you can get through this ordeal and find more trustworthy people who are willing to be present to you and what you have been through. Shame on this pastor and his bubble-headed wife. What the question should be is, what kind of an outfit are they running? Very disgusting what they did. They stabbed you in the back by being the existing flying monkeys. Ridiculous on their part. Again, I hope you have found better support with kind people that actually 'get it', and found a safe place to go. ❤😢
@@pamwhitehouse5961 thanks I did find safety. Also learned a big lesson.
I blame myself for allowing others to use me for their own personal needs without expecting anything from them in return.
Enablers are much worse than narcissists themselves.
My former second stepmother, a cop, when I told her about dad sexually abusing me, said "It's not that bad", bitch!
My mum's nephews and nieces are mostly quite nice and well meaning people. The problem is, it means they are concillatory and try to see the good in everyone and that's why they're enablers. So that makes me the 'bad' one for "upsetting people" who supposedly "are going through a tough time" and the tough time they put me through means nothing. I guess they'll only figure out what's what if/when they're at the receiving end of the mistreatment themselves.
I'm relieved that I don't live in the same country as them so it's easier to keep some distance and thankful that my dad's side of the family aren't like that.
Both my mother’s and father’s nieces and nephews are like that. In NYC and Ireland. Hard all around
I concur.
@@diannebrett4074 Sorry to hear that. My mum wanted me and my sister to marry her nephews. Looking back, I'm glad that didn't happen.
If I'm honest, some years ago, I used to be proud of the fact that my mum's family are conciliatory types- especially when seeing the feuds and dysfunction of other families that are torn apart... but now although I can see the wisdom in keeping people together in some circumstances, in other circumstances, I can see the flaws in that approach.
One friend told me maybe I was projecting; I stopped talking to her about this stuff. My therapist told me I was overly critical and had to be treated a certain way. I stopped therapy. I no longer try to talk to anyone about this stuff except a couple of friends who've been through it, too.
I’m sorry you got a bad therapist - some shouldn’t be in that line of work
The last time I spoke to my grandmother about my mother I told her "I can't keep accommodating my mother and putting her before myself." she laughed and said "Why not?" In that moment I knew I didn't want anything to do with either of them and there was no use trying or explaining anymore.
Divorced this year after a 30 year marriage to a covert narcissist person. I’ve heard “you two were the perfect couple, what happened?”
I can’t even explain it in a way they would understand. 😢
Same here. 32 years divorcing now. I can’t even go there.
@@angiealexander6543 Same for me. 32 years. he said all my fault, i was crazy, angry yada yada yada. oh boy. i don't even try to explain my side of the story when people ask. they won't believe me.
Other people, the ones who don't get it or who blame the victim...ignore them and be your own advocate. Being a survivor of narcissistic abuse takes strength and resolve; negativity chips away at both.
DON'T tolerate the enablers. Get them out of your life - they are every bit as bad as the narcissist themselves
No, I don't tolerate them. They deny the truth and rationalize and justify narcissists.
My spouse has told me repeatedly if I were more grateful and appreciative he wouldn’t treat me the way that he does.
Ah... the gaslighting classic excuse. Much like the fathers in the 60's and the 70's who told their children as they took their belts of to whip them, "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you."
Same here. And I busted my ass trying to please him and stroke his ego. Guess what he did? He cheated again. And then he blamed me for the cheating. The only way to win with these people is to get them out of your life.
My husband recently asked to share locations. I had no problem with it. A week later he accused me of being jealous. When I said “well, you’re the one who wanted to share locations”, he said “my memory is that you are the one who asked to share locations”!!!
He will continue to deny that asked first! It suits his narrative. It’s so crazy to be treated like that! 😅
The sad thing for me is this knowledge is 50 years too late! 😢
"You just need to be the bigger person--just deal with it". This was said to me one too many times...ugh.
And you have to be the one to change in every situation. If you will just bend to the narcs will then things will be better. What a load of BS.
The song " I shouldnt have to be the bigger person" says it all!!!
Just put up and shut up is what being the bigger person really means.
Until they've walked a mile in any survivor's shoes, the enablers desire to help is more of a hindrance. The survivor's shoes are beat up mentally, emotionally and just plain worn out.
The people in my life who get it when I talk about my narcissistic daughter, are people who have also been victimized by a narcissist.
True, only those who have experienced abuse by a narcissist can understand. Their behavior really IS unbelieveable, unless and until you experience it!
Hard when it's enabling siblings, I'm learning to get clarity through therapy
I'm not ready to call my Miss-21 a narcissist yet 😢
That's my baby.
I don't want my baby to turn out to be a horrific and hurtful individual.
Unfortunately, with two narcissist grandmothers, two enabler grandfathers, a man-child father, a warped Pickmischa Step-mother, and an unsupported mother with cPTSD who was terrified of abusing their kids - she didn't really have much of a chance.
She's learnt that manipulation is what works.
Even though I know her adult form is the result of group effort, I'm still gravid with Mum-Guilt 😢
But, yeah, definitely Borderline Personality Disorder behaviours.
@@dougcoleman8972 the family who abuses together ...
Absolutely. The best support I got was from two friends that suffered from the same torment
The most disturbing comment I got from someone I decided to tell about to leave the dysfunctional marriage: “I can’t believe your are deserting him after all these years”. I was in shock and could barely talk.
It's not desertion. It's escape
Eesch.
I cringe at that comment.
Hugs
I find the majority of people don’t get and it’s maddening. So tired of defending and explaining that I don’t bother anymore. I know the truth. I get it now for sure. Focusing on my health safety and life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Yes!
It is maddening
Exactly. Don't go DEEP with them. I don't explain anything to them.
KNOWLEDGE is the only key 🔑 to heal and move on. Love your work of sharing. Thank you !
Yes. The book "It's Not You" is not only sharing knowledge but also the book title is a mantra. The problem is not me. 😊
My mother likes to wait until we’re alone and then tell me I’m mentally ill. She says the fact that I’m on antidepressants proves it. The last time she did this I replied, “And that’s your trump card, isn’t it?” (the fact that I’m on antidepressants)She replied, “Pretty much.” I have been no contact since.
It could also be that she doesn't want to discuss your mental health with everyone around which makes sense and that she's genuinely worried about you. Not everyone that acts a way we do not like Is a narcissist.
@@sunbeam9222 I hope you in therapy and one day will realise that calling someone (who seeks help and taking meds) "mentally ill" is neither caring nor helpful at the slightest. The only reason to say such things in that case is to bring the child down.
@@nothingthere3959 nothing wrong with that term , mental illness can be due to stress, depression, problems functioning in social environment. Why so touchy? Why the need to feel victimized?
Good for you for going no contact. It's the only way to stop the abuse.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
5:28 "May I say no, no, and hell no." 😄 This needs to be gif we can play over and over! Love it so much when Dr. Ramani gets spicy! ❤🔥
"if it's so bad, why don't you leave? " (Implying that it isn't that bad.)
All my life, ugh.
Never blame yourself for getting into a narcissistic relationship because these situations can be very complex and easy to get caught up without realizing what is going on. What’s important now is to focus on your healing and learning from the experience and pass the knowledge onto others to avoid getting caught in the narcissist’s emotional trap.
"There are people worse off than you" I have heard that all my life.
Especially if you were raised by a narcissistic parent. It seems normal. It took me a long long time to realize they weren’t “normal” and neither were my parents.
I was born into it. I couldn't have avoided it
🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Thank you
Blame myself for not making him respect me from the start instead of forgiving every time
Don't we all!
Wow, I’ve heard almost ALL of these things. This was validating. Thank you
"you're just playing the victim"
Oh, there's no playing around here.
"Empathy is the one gift that fits every time."
Perfect.
This phrase "you are attracting this" as spiritual answer was a trend in the last fifteen years. Seems like people slowly get that life is not that simple or I'm just not attracting such people anymore 😜😜😜 but back then it made things even more toxic + love and forgiveness solves everything. And there was no one to talk about this, people were like brainwashed...
I know, it's so sad. They are still out there spouting this stuff. New Age BS!
@theresamark8220 Yes I think it's somewhat connected to the "good girl syndrome " if you ever heard about this.
It's also widely exploited by narcs. My aunt pretended for some amount of years in 00s that she was "able to see peoples auras and clean them". She hated me, so you can guess how she described my "aura". I didn't believe her, I knew enough about her life and behaviour to tell at least that she is a liar. She stopped only when people stopped giving her money for that. People who believed in her scams, often were exhausted, beat down, traumatized, prone to magical thinking and spiritual bypassing, emotionally immature people in horrible situations. They didn't know better and were desperate because they did realise to some degree that they are in a pickle. They usually don't believe when you try to explain them that that's nonsense though(. They kinda want "fast and easy" solution.
That's why I hate "The Law of Attraction." This kind of New Age thinking is full of victim-blaming, enabling, gaslighting, toxic positivity, and spiritual bypassing. 😖
It's spread around by new agers that think they are highly competent in the meanings of spiritual pathways. They have been taught by incompetent cultish 'leaders' and brainwashed. End of.
Passing around 'love and light' gets people in a lot of trouble down the line.
I watch them dissappear all the time and know they've had a breakdown.
This is true. I come here to get validated and a dose of a reminder when I need one ❤❤❤ . Thank you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
The ‘manifesting and attracting’ people drive me bonkers. Sometimes it’s appropriate but sometimes it’s not, and downright victim blaming. I’ve had arguments with my ‘manifesting coaching’ friends, as they are clueless how it all is inappropriate sometimes. Thank you Dr Ramanai ❤
All this manifesting business makes my toes curl... in all the Wrong Ways.. + These wonky ideas seems to become more widespread.
@fyd999thank you!!
@fyd999 So true
I've been through a lot and powered through, starting with narc parents, an ex who un-alived himself after adult onset schizophrenia took over, toxic family and friends. What took me down was the narc trifecta of family, work and romantic interest and had a nervous breakdown a couple of years ago. Since then I cleared my life of those I could, found you and learned about narcissism, went to therapy, etc. and am putting together the life I want to live this time
You go girl!
My friend who was married to a narc for a long time and finally left, I told her to watch your videos. She said you seemed angry and out to get narcs. I told her you are just trying to help the people harmed by narcs. Thanks for your videos, they have helped me immensely ❤
You should have like 100 Nobel prizes!!! Thank you Thank you Thank you soooooooo much!!!!👍👍👍❤❤❤
Agreed!
Someone told me multiple times that I had done something really cruel to the abuser in a PAST LIFE that caused him to target me in this life.
I was told by a doctor that when I was raped at 6 it was to pay me back for a past life.
I held my ground. Held my boundaries. Not selfish at all. Thank goodness the person who had narcissistic behaviors never brought me down.
I learned more about myself and about narcissistic behaviors, so I have grown.
New chapters, New adventures! ❤
I believe that narcs are attracted to the light in others and that is what makes it possible for us to fall prey to them.
I have been told things like this by multiple people in my life. I’ve been abused and narcissistically abused throughout my life. I’ve been cheated on, physically and emotionally even financially abused. And a lot of people hve commented that “certain types of women attract abusers,” I’ve even been told by multiple people that “some people just like abuse,” “some people are just attracted to those types of abusers.” None of this is true for me. I love myself, I love my children and family. I respect myself. I don’t understand why people would blame me but I’ve learned to not open up to people about anything unless I know they’re safe and I can talk to them. It’s been heartbreaking and you feel so alone. ❤😢 I can relate to this topic in so many ways. Thank you for sharing dr Romani. ❤
Nah they're attracted to you. Why anyone would want to abuse a loving person is beyond me. I'm assuming it really has nothing to do with you at all, but it's more a chance to externalize their fear and pain and worry. Sorry for what you went through. The enablers suck big time but they probably just don't understand what it was like. If they did they would change their tune.
My husband’s friend told that I am a chronically sad person. I have been with him for 45 years.
Isn't it convenient that those who judge us as bad for leaving the narcissist never bothered to ask our side of the story. Their team is their team., but IYKYK!
I’ve never got a chance to blame myself, they constantly did it for me. One way I was blamed was when my sister said if you were a better person your ex wouldn’t have abused you. You deserved it and we all know it.
Whoa. Your sister is a serious problem.
@@patriciafry8634 I don’t think there is any diagnosis that can best describe her, except pure evil. Her foot soldiers, also known as my other siblings are just as bad. For some crazy reason they feel like I owe them, and when I say no, watch out. It’s been a horrible existence for way to long.
My ex said the very same thing about the abusive ex before him. I kept trying to change myself for my partners but therapy and Dr. Ramani have given me the knowledge of boundaries and self love I've been lacking.
My covert vulnerable narcissistic husband shows zero emotion, which of course makes me look crazy when I show any emotion-like a normal person. The other day, I mentioned something to my husband. He had a physical reaction to it like electricity went through him. I witnessed his whole body actually jerk. But, he kept such control over expressing his surprise it both enlightened and shocked me. I can't imagine how stressful it must be to maintain this control. This observation freed me to express my emotions without guilt now. I feel so free.
I was married to one of those. Was like living in an emotional tundra. Good on you for not making yourself smaller and quieter in the face of dealing such madness.
I was told to work on communication in 1981 and lived many decades before I really understood and recognised the signs and symptoms
of the toxicity that engulfed my life.
Wow 3:12 the person in a toxic workplace, in a toxic relationship and has toxic family members and all of that is coming at them at the same time. That was me last year so when I got out of the toxic relationship my father was being texted and visited by my ex partner and my father felt sorry for him but didn't mention the abuse I had suffered from in that relationship. I decided to limit my relationship with my father. I also quit the toxic job. I was hurting really bad last year after going through all of the abuse but today I'm getting better after a court battle with my ex partner, and limited contact with my father and being in a better workplace. Hey nothing is perfect but I'm in a much better place than I was last year. My health is improving and I take very good care of myself.
When you talk about the trauma I think hmm maybe I have complex ptsd. I've been working in a c-ptsd workbook on my own. It helps me to see how the abuse has damaged me and kept me stuck in the trauma bond.
I got my diagnosis of CPTSD and have been working on my issues for years. Finally left my abusive ex 9 months ago after 8 yrs and I couldn't be more relieved. Keep focusing on your self healing ❤
So glad you got out. So brave and resilient. Keep going!
Having survived as one of the scapegoats of my parents in a large family, I’m astounded that, though the parents have both passed long ago, my enabling narcissistic siblings continue to “trash talk” me. And they wonder why I moved out of town as soon as possible!
Me, too. Parents both gone but I am still the asshole for saying there was abuse.
The "why did you stay so long?" is as bad as asking what a woman was wearing when she was gr@ped. You know they never ask a dood what he was wearing when he got mugged!!
I asked myself that question. I realized I had actually very low self esteem, no self trust, a desperate need to be wanted and appreciated. And ofc no awareness that this actually could be nurtured by me. I worked on that and now I feel balanced and don't need to blame someone for my actions nor feel offended for being asked a question. I can always explain why I did what I did. At some point we need to break the karpman triangle and exit the victim role in any of our relationships. It takes taking accountability, which has nothing to do with self blame, just a genuine desire to reclaim the power and knowledge that is within ourselves.
Thank you for that!!!
@@sunbeam9222 this is over-simplifying, even if we come to those same realizations as you, it doesn't mean a victim can automatically leave the situation. and yes, there is a victim in this scenario and a perpetrator, there is not reason to make somebody feel ashamed that they were the victim and have to deny it, there is healing in first validating this truth. You seem very self assured, it's actually impossible to "always explain why" somebody did what they did as you say you're able to.
@@MarinaLifeAnimal I would as many here I'm sure need to write a whole book in order to avoid oversimplification. I will spare you that lol. Nowhere did I imply that a victim can automatically leave a situation tho, nor that they should feel ashamed of anything. All I'm saying is once we ask ourselves such questions and can explore them without feeling overwhelmed with shame, or anger we're on our way to healing. Victims are buried in overbearing feelings we're trying to escape and that keep us stuck. So yes we first ought to offer ourselves compassion for these feelings and hear them out, without judging them. There's no blame needed. They are very much valid. But the goal in recovery is not to keep validating them over and over again and just do that. I was on holiday with my partner on Valentine's day. He bought a rose and offered it to the lady at the hotel we were staying at. Right in front of me. I said nothing. I did nothing. I felt so small. And hurt. We had brought with us a bottle of Bailey's my favourite drink. Was meant to open it together that night. We were with some people we had met during that trip. In the course of the evening I kept asking him to open the bottle so we could enjoy it, he kept saying not now. I had to take a call from a friend at some point, I went outside. When I returned he told me that he opened the bottle and shared it with other people there's none left. Again, I said nothing. And again I felt ashamed. And confused. We have not had an argument or anything that day, qi was way too docile for that anyway. I couldn't ask myself why are you even still here sitting with that jerk because at the time I was way too busy feeling this constant amount of shame, inadequacy, lack, to even observe a situation clearly and act consequently. This circus lasted 6 years. So I know it doesn't happen automatically. I also know for as long as I identified as a victim, I stayed in that dysfonctional, painful relationship. I'm self assured now because I have learned to evaluate how I feel , welcome that feeling with compassion ( the notion of blame has disappeared) and once that feeling is peaceful I can look at a situation for what it is and take action. I don't act on how I feel anymore. There's a distinct time for feeling and another distinct time for analyzing and then acting. My feelings don't decide what I will do anymore. They show up, I give them attention and love and care and understanding. And only once that is processed. I can proceed with what I consider the appropriate set of action. With peace and confidence. I'm not a victim anymore. I wish for healing and peace and joy for every human being.
Thank you! I’ve heard this from my family and friends. They have no clue what torment these people put you through. Especially a covert narcissist!!
Oh the darkness inside!!! WTF!!!!!!
He is such a fine upstanding gentleman. Yeah right.
Everyone thought my mother was a wonderful woman.
My narc sister-in-law blames me for " tearing the family apart", when in fact it was HER who went in a wild rampage stating how much she didn't like me and the things I did. All of my husband's family enables her and they see nothing wrong with her " personality"....." Oh, relax, it's just " S" being "S" ".
I can 💯 relate, sadly have had same experience with the narc sister in law and my family. Super messed up and hurtful. Not ok. Focusing on my life ❤
This is familiar. Sorry you went through it too. It's disgusting.
So familiar! Both my BIL and SIL tore our families apart. Unbelievably toxic people
Yes, and sadly it all started when my husband asked her what was bothering her when we got together ( always had a chip on her shoulder). She exploded in a tirade of everything she disliked about me and then proceeded to tell us how * I * was dividing and tearing apart the family. I Never said/ did anything. I went no contact with her and that set her off even more. But rest assured, she " forgives me". 😂🙄..but she won't even talk to her brother. DR. Ramani has taught me so much!!
It's easy to see how Toxic Churches and/or Church Doctrine can be a hostile breeding ground for what Dr. Ramani is describing here. Toxic is Toxic , the Resulting Devastation is Always the Same. I am Ever So Grateful to Dr. Ramani and I will Ever Always be Ever Deeply Grateful to, and Thankful For her Skilled Expertise and Clarity in Explaining this to the rest of us !!!
That's not churches, that's some "new age" nonsense people usually get from social media (and sometimes tv or shops that sell "magic stones, runes, you name it" for any life situation). Outside of US people tend to not to go to churches anymore, but still they attracted to something spiritual (maybe have some need) so they find it elsewhere.
I second this. I joined a single moms group at a Christian church, and the leader of the group gave a girl a hard time in the group for wanting to divorce her narcissistic husband. It was disgusting.
I just walk away, and work tenderly with the bits that arise in me.
In time I can even feel somewhat grateful for the opportunity to do my work…on me!
I also have a polished ‘zero fecks given’ when it’s needed. ❤
I had a narcissistic group therapist who literally said the same thing: “You are a toxic person”, and made clients think that “there is a deep dark truth in them that they should be afraid to recognize”, and that these people “are tough enough to take these difficult to hear things from him.” He was presenting his own narcissistic abuse as a therapy!
How damaging and scary!
@@lauragrolla5916 He passed off his own narcissism-psychopathy as elements of therapy; he is not trauma bonding - you just need to drop your defenses. He is not manipulating you for his own interests, therapy is manipulative and he gets benefit of the doubt from you. Another therapist woman recommended clients to him and she wrote she recommends him for “couples treatments” - what manipulative language, you’d think a treatment is something medical and implies a standard intervention as well as a deficiency or abnormality or distress that it is done for. I would not call this guy sitting around and toying with people - a treatment. She also said people become mature after his groups - well yeah, they learn how to tolerate narcissistic abuse and do it to others.
Omg,I got the SAME thing!!!!!That the darkness in me atracts them and like atracts like!!!
Me, too. And I believed it! This was before Dr. Ramani.
Darkness? 🤬 Yeah,… my bad,… it’s called empathy. 😒😠
Right? And maturity and kindness.
@@lauragrolla5916 💯🫶
Omg! I’m dealing with this right now. All the women in my family always defend the narcissist and never have my back.
I had a similar thing said to me that I was attracting negativity. I said to her, you can’t help who your sister or your neighbor is. End of conversation.
Good response.
Amen. Regurgitating our stories for wrong judgment . Amen.
He went on a “business trip” with two girls and I didn’t find out until I saw on his Facebook that he posted videos of them. Then had one drunk sleeping on his couch. Told me to watch out coming up that I don’t get shot since he lives in downtown Rochester and he’d get annoyed if I asked him to come and walk me, then walked her and told me “she has a kid, I don’t want anything bad happening to her” I asked him why he never took me on trips and why he never lit candles or cleaned his apartment when I came over and then I was the problem for being insecure. All while he was telling me he wanted to marry me and get me pregnant. He’s so disrespectful. He’d ignore me for a few days to “punish” me if I showed it bothered me or if I brought it up even the next day he would say I’m always bringing up the past, like yeah something that happened within the past 24 hours
I hope that you ended that relationship and stopped contact. I had the same type of thing but I lived with him and he did the silent treatment and he would go out with people after work and ignore me. I broke up with him and got him out of my life. I wish you luck with getting him out of your life.
You deserve a one-woman man.
R U N 🏃♀️
I’ve blamed myself for standing up for myself…… they think I should just let the narc do whatever cos it’s done now ….. so just help him. Sort it out they say
Hearing you own that even you still get taken by these types of people is a big deal to me. Thank you and a major thank you for this video.
I wonder as well if people use victim blaming to deflect from / try to protect themselves? If they can say that X got abused because she had bad energy, and they think that they have good energy, then it cannot possibly happen to them. Even if they're actually in an abusive situation, but are in denial.
A lot of people really don't know what is abuse and live in denial, they do deflect because they don't know what else to do or say, it's "too complicated" for them. They don't usually say that x got abused though, they don't see abuse at all, only superficial level like "x is unhappy for unknown reason, let's make up a reason and problem solved". Though, I have textbook narcissist aunt, she used to deflect by victim blaming, but that's because in her case she's never cared. So it's both - enablers (unknowingly) and perpetrators who do this, though it doesn't make it any easier
@@nothingthere3959 lack of education is definitely a factor. I didn't know what gaslighting was until my late 30s! I didn't fully understand the impact and extent of emotional abuse. There needs to be more awareness for sure
Bingo. It's always about self protection. They're afraid to understand because they don't want something similar to happen to them.
I am always called out as being on edge if I raise my voice, even if I am just projecting my voice so he can hear me better. I asked him if he wanted a stepford wife. He said no, he wants me to share feelings and be able to work thru them.
I decided to grayrock. Now, I'm distant and not present.
I told him I'm more present and available for my kids.
He doesn't know why he's agitated, but I do. 😂😂😂
Grayrock rocks!!!
I remember being told, "you just haven't learned how to step into your 'inner Goddess'. Once you find your inner Goddess, you'll be able to control him." 🙄
So basically, this person was telling you that you would have to learn how to perform the literal Imperius Curse, a Jedi mind trick, or something similar. Really, this kind of magic is the only way to do what that person asked of you - because even if gods were real, they wouldn't be guaranteed the power to instantly control people, either. In other words, that person is being completely absurd.
😂😂😂
I RAN after Nex accused me of cheating and I hit my limit. My counselor at the time (dropped for not believing) and Nex both asked why, how I could do that, and not look back. I likened it to a dog in the shelter, alone and hoping for love. Along comes a person ready to love me, shows me a good time, promises a forever home... But more and more I feel caged, taken for granted, devalued. SO, when a caged animal finds her door ajar, is she going to hang around to see if the captor will change, or will she run like the wind?! I struggled for sure, had to go no contact before I even found Dr. R's videos suggesting as much. Even now, 8 months out, I still have questions, but always seem to find a video that answers them. Flight is good. Knowledge is good. Time...
I have been in the narcissistic triad too. I got shingles and was diagnosed with autoimmune disease. I was also told I attracted drama and loved it. NO I DON'T.
I stopped talking to my narcissistic sister.
My niece ( who is still talking to my sister, her mom ) told me in a round about way, “ that I was being childish because I refuse to talk to her mother anymore . “
Had to block both my nieces after this conversation.
Because I know they want their mothers ( my sisters ) approval.
And I refuse to try to convince them when they are just 15 and 16. There will be no convincing someone who is continuing to talk to the narcissistic person.
Mine was attachment based parental alienation and my despair was blamed on me by my family because of my reacting to the separation/Narcicisstic abuse by my ex spouse. One time I was having a really horrible flashback combined with a sense of Anguish and I hadn't felt that deep in a long time. I had been triggered by the day's sunlight and I was crying and crying and crying. I called my mother to ask her to come back from wherever she was because I was living with her at the time. She was over at a friends house to sleep over. I felt so alone crying with a primitive type of loneliness that a child might feel because they're so immature when their parent the room. I called her and I really was so upset. She listened to me said she can't come back tonight, but all I have to do was to apologize to the narcissist as if to make the over all abuse something I caused. I absolutely was shattered i that moment and night. I cried myself to sleep. The sense of grief was so intense. It was the most intense type of grief that feels like a jagged saw reverberating in your body stabbing you again and again so deep inside. That primitive type of deep. I was just completely destroyed
I'm sorry, that sounds hard.
sorry for that,this world is cruel.
In my case, I dont need to convince anyone my truth and I dont need every single person to approve my existence. Ill even encourage them to have all the fun they can get with the narc and be on my way away from them
I'm so excited, I just had to pass this on to you, in case you have not yet read Pulitzer Prize winner Isabel Wilkerson's groundbreaking book, Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents (or the new movie, 0rigin, based on the book) - it compares the caste systems of India, Nazi Germany and racist American culture, and has a chapter titled " The Inevitable Narcissism of Caste." Fascinating!
Interesting! Thanks.
I am so sorry to add this personal note to this thread, but Doc, I find you to be breathtakingly beautiful, in my eyes. Have a great day.
I don’t have a twitter (X) account.
Blame myself for staying in the relationship when we just started going out and just coped with neglect and abuse. Blaming myself for staying so long. 42 years of marriage. Malignant covert narcissist. I think that he tried to poison me!
I relate to the poisoning. They are extremely scary people. I’m almost a year out and still experiencing symptoms. My body might not return to normal is what the doctors say. I see them again next week. It’s lonely. People do it though. It does happen. I’m sorry and hope you’re away.
@@erinward2983 how did they detect the poison? In my case they could not find the cause. I was dying and bedridden! Later diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I am eventually out. Starting new at 65. So many wasted years. Struggling financially!
I was married for 50 years until I just couldn't take it anymore. Didn't care what happened to me. I just had to get away from him! He threatened to kill me on more than one occasion and almost did. When I left he drained our bank account of a very large amount. Left me with almost nothing. What a fight to survive. I was 70 years 0ld. Now I am 76. God took me out of that and provided a way for me. No time now for me to fully recover from all I went through but am doing the best I can. I wish NOBODY would stay in abuse for any reason because it will destroy your mind and body. God bless anyone who has gone through it !!
@@heleenloubser9072 lab work. I knew what it was so they knew what to test for. Omg I’m so glad you’re away now. I got mysteriously ill too. I never pressed charges but wish I’d filed a report. My 2 nephews 2 fathers work for the local police dept and I feared they’d report back to him and mishandle evidence. I had to keep myself safe and that was my decision at the time. I haven’t made peace with it. In 2018, I had an unrelated assault in a different jurisdiction and under suspicion, I went to the police dept and they told me there was an electronic trail showing my report had been accessed by law enforcement uninvolved in the initial report/investigation. Big surprise, my brother in-law’s best friend worked in the department. My mom later told me that the details of the report had indeed been shared w her. Wtf is all I can say. They do what they want. That’s not protecting us. In 2020, I was working with an EMDR therapist for the assault. She told me my voice was damn important, which gave me the courage to pursue the matter, but she left the organization. The loss hit me so hard I backtracked a bit. Trauma stays with us. Do you have a therapist to talk to? As for the recent stuff, I left living w my father last June and I’m still seeing doctors, experiencing physical (and emotional) effects. It’s the scariest of them capable of these atrocities. Stay safe. Keep sharing. Though I don’t believe in revenge in the traditional sense, healing is the best “revenge.” I totally believe in justice. It’s lacking in this arena. Thank you for sharing and reaching out. I hope you continue to heal and your health improves. Bless you on your healing journey ❤️❤️❤️
@@heleenloubser9072 I feel like I wasted years too. I was fooled into thinking I was doing the right thing. They manipulate for a living. I struggle financially as well. It’s a difficult and limiting position struggling to afford basic needs. Societal values are skewed and I get judged harshly, after giving the best years to caring for my parent instead of myself. You’re in my thoughts. Sending you love. ❤️
Thank you so much for all you shared in this video and all your videos!
And your New Book, It’s Not You!
I loved the book! It brought such clarity to my mind and heart in what I actually been through over the years with narcissistic relationships I have been in. I feel understood, am clearer than ever and have a great understanding in why I had stayed in them . I am free now. Went No Contact with my last relationship. It was the best thing I could have ever done. Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!
Thank you, today's podcast lifted a ton of weight from my soul. Attracting/manifesting feels like 'Toxic Positivity' to me.
I remember feeling like I could have loved them better and like it was my fault they didn't feel like I was enough. When they told me I needed to be more of a man so I could take the Abuse, it hurt. So glad I found therapy after that.
When i set boundaries with a narcissistic colleague, my employer mused about why I hated that colleague. Setting boundaries with narcs is considered "hatred" now
And one time, when I got angry, I got the response: "I think that's unfair!!"
The worse shame for victum of narcissistic abuse still come from the victums themselves. I have damend myself a thousend times for being so week that people can play with me like a doll. And then come the enablers stating that it is my own fault. They think I have never came to the idea that may be I am the problem. 😢
From my end, it's "go and pray." I'm from Nigeria, one of the most "praying" nations 😅
Thats hard, I get it. I was brought up as irish catholic
😂💯👍🏾From a Nigeria sis..." Let's pray" "evil spirit be removed"
This one is the best video yet!
All I can say is AMEN!
This was such a good video. I can testify when I walked away from my narcissistic ex and best friend-my mental feels so much lighter. They way I sleep at night is heavenly!! I could care less if they are talking about me behind my back!
Dr. Ramani, you give me strength..❤
I told my cousin that I hope time flies by quickly so I can see my daughter that I gave to an open adoption family.
My cousin said that, “ I was being selfish for hoping time flies by. Because she deserves to enjoy her life and be a child. “
I didn’t think I was being selfish for wanting to see my daughter in person.
Big hug, I have many adopted relatives, all were thrilled to meet their birth mother. Know that a great reunion is in your future!
My ex was diagnosed with NPD in 2010, I left in 2012 and in 2021 he succeeded in turning our son against me. I work in child protection and recently had to write a court report about a child who's parent is, in my view, a narcissist. Court reports get reviewed by a supervisor. My supervisor told me my report looked like I disliked one parent because I referred to narcissistic abuse. She told me not to put my personal experiences on other people. I believe I had been objective and that we have people in authority who are denying this abuse.
All of this awareness really important. All of it. And it helps. Until it doesn’t. Dr. R you saved my sanity. But knowing the truth doesn’t take away the absolute devastation of your life. And it doesn’t take away the soul crushing pain.
I tolerate it by knowing the truth.
When i stood up for myself, i was gaslit, blamed, and called crazy.
I tolerate it differently now than then...now im in no contact with the narc and enablers.
I tolerate it by knowing they, the enablers really do know the truth but arent strong enough, like me, to leave their own unhealthy, or abusive relationship.
I tolerate it by forgiving myself for not paying attention to the red flags.
I tolerate it by- knowing on my deathbed i will have a clear mind, a healed heart, and my truthful soul will gracefully leave this plane on earth.
TMJ Ramani... Thanks for your beautiful and important job
1 time maybe but the second time is a pattern 😮
Like a lot of fellow sufferers, this is probably the millionth (beloved!!) Dr. Ramani video and this is one of the best. Thank you for empowering me at a time that I am suffering so badly. "Helpful" assholes, enablers, and blamers can continue business without me. I am going to rewatch this again because I need her confidence in putting up boundaries. I am freshly out of my situations and shell shocked, so I'm trying to avoid people. I'm toxic right now and no one deserves the projection of my hurt. I say this, because I have to learn how to manage my behavior (not telling mofos off at the first sign of narcissistic behavior). I have all of the sympathy and empathy in the world for victims and this video really helped me examine my own behavior. When attempting to bond with someone, I guarantee that I said something stupid/insensitive and I pray that we ALL do better.
I was going through the exact same situation last year, difficult situation at work and family. I texted my boyfriend that I am really struggling and I got this text back “You have a lot to be thankful for. You need to change your perspective”.
Yeah I actually had a co-worker once said that I had a dark aura about me when I was going through a really tough time emotionally and trying to heal from narcissistic abuse. It really was a punch to the gut
Codependent enablers will be removed. Regardless of relationship
Boundaries of self were required in order to see the forest through the trees
" had a moment to reflect on the dreadful place of life. All this time, believing that you were doing right. Trying to correct misdeeds you thought you caused in others. Only to be reminded by circumstance
Saying sorry for things undone. Often as the lights dimmed and flickered.
Never understanding what you did wrong. Feeling that wrath was a magnet for non repentance. Yet never questioning the experience or participants. Realizing that those who harmed you were the ones who failed you "
" Trauma kept things in the head instead of the body. Which meant trying to overachieve ( so not to disappoint). Trying to fix others before you could heal your mind. Ignoring one's own red flags in deferment to another's flags
It is not dirty, but unfortunately gritty. But balance has been attained."
My favorite thing is when you say something they did and they say you’re crazy that didn’t even happen!!!! It messes with your mind. You think you’re going crazy!!! The anger I feel relating this is something I don’t know if I will ever get through.
Callwd gasligting
Yes! Being blamed for being the problem when I finally put my foot down and said “I’m done”. Then I’m all of a sudden not a good person and not being god-like, and am unforgiving and grudge holding. Oh and then they drag my kids into it to try to break me down. 😡🤬