Distance Yourself From THESE Kind of People | Mel Robbins
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
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Many people who are toxic know exactly what they are doing. When you try to explain it to them they turn it around on you in my experience.
Typical covert narcicist. 💯
Absolutely. Never explain yourself or ask. Never expose your emotions it fuels them. Just complain get them exposed instead of yourself! I totally disagree with the advice given in this video.
One cure for not caring what other people think is getting older. I used to worry about that when I was younger but now I'm like kick rocks if you don't like it lol. Its so liberating! 😊
Getting there Laurie :D
Laurie you are 100 percent CORRECT 💯
Yes it is ‼️👏
Yes...if they WANT to target and find fault with you, no matter how kind and empathetic you are, they'll FIND something, anything !
I have a close family member who did that to me. And claimed I was “toxic”. I noticed they were intent on seeing everything in the worst possible way. Like through that sort of filter. I told them I felt the situation was toxic for me too. 😂
If you do it, be prepared to be accused of having mental health issues. My toxic person is telling everyone that I have Bipolar Disorder. Because I’ve become brave and am finally doing what I want to do and apologize for absolutely nothing!!!
especially if you are dealing with someone who is really malignant about everything. Big sister is my albatross. Brother is a flying monkey for her so he is toast as well. Modeled the behavior I wanted to see and it was lost on them years of lost on them, LOL. I am done.
Hell I'm good with that because it is what it is and they already say I got mental issues which I think they got the mental issues because if that's being normal he'll give me crazy any the other week so you go girl you keep doing you to keep your head of other while don't pay attention what nobody says as long as you happy in your heart and you know that's what makes you happy then the hell would anybody else is you got to live for yourself you got to make yourself happy you can't depend on nobody else doing that and I learned the hard way I promise you I did so but I just feel I'm still trying to break the habit of feeling selfish when I do things for myself and not for others but I'm learning and trust me they're making it awful easy LOL take care of yourself I hope you have a great night evening whatever it is I've been cage with me working all day so I don't know which way take care
My kids were told I'm bipolar after I left a toxic spouse. Toxic is a polite term...
When people can no longer control you, you are mental 😂i choose mental wellness and me
Me too. I have a 16 year long smear campaign against me by a neighbour. Can't do much about it. Small minded believers aren't worth trying to win over.
It's really difficulty when your parents, siblings, spouse are toxic. It's like an optimist trying to survive with pessimists.
Bro, youre so right. Its Very hard, when parents are toxic..
Same here.
True
Same here I feel you with this x
you too?, I can't believe someone else out there feels/ knows they are surrounded by toxic, negative family.
Yes hang out with people who cheer for you, who are positive that are appreciative and not passive aggressive
We should not be impulsive in these situations. However, sometimes you just have to distance yourself from people who are draining.
A real friend is like a clover; it’s hard to find , but lucky to have….
It is not always safe to have discussions with someone before leaving. At least alone with them. Sometimes people have so much toxicity they are able to gaslight you back into the relationship. Sometimes we have to set strong boundaries around ourselves in order to survive. When your life and health are challenged and /or endangered inside the relationship, sometimes you need to take drastic action like leaving all of a sudden. Because you know if you have a discussion first, you're going to leave still being embedded in the relationship.
Exactly! Some people (like me) currently in therapy for being a codependent to toxic people. So the friendship was established from the beginning as one sided. Never having or allowed to have opinions and boundaries from the beginning of the relationship. After a while you just can’t handle the selfish person and their lack of awareness around their toxic tendencies and have to suddenly exit. Turning around to tell the person what you’re planning on doing to distance yourself from them is almost always going to end up with some sort of harassment and them endlessly texting and calling to get you back in line with their treatment. They’ll never understand cause they’ve already been doing and getting away with most of the behavior tolerated by you. If a boundary is not established from the beginning the relationship in some cases, it’s doomed and unchangeable. So important to learn about and know yourself so you can spot things from the door of the relationship. At that point the person would have a deeper understanding of how you function and work so they can take a bit more responsibility for there actions.
I love the interruption, the real life candid moment, it is beautiful. And I love listening to you speak, thank you Mel for this amazing video. You are such a blessing to millions of people !
Hi Mel ,, I recently had to unfriend someone who I knew since high school,, we had a great friendship for many years but were removed from each other through distance,, she reached out to me a while back and we connected,, right away I felt exausted and anxious around her ,, her lifestyle didn’t mesh with mine ,, I decided to just let that go ,, I’m much happier with my own circle,,,
You are awesome❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I will ghost frenemies who act like “friends”, toxic work colleagues and toxic relatives real quick coz in many cases they know what they are doing and hurt you intentionally. Why must I act like a clown 🤡 not to look toxic? Some people really need to be ghosted/cut/dropped whatever you want to call it.😏
Only explain yourself to people whose intentions are clear, people make mistakes but assess that person’s character. Imagine going to a narcissist to explain how they are making you feel only for that narcissist to feel superior because they now know they control how you feel and get so much excitement from that and gaslight you… be discerning and not put yourself in compromising situations, not everyone is safe to express yourself to, you will only make yourself a target.
I've misjudged this on so many occassions. The information expressed ends up being turned on you in the moment or they might show some empathy but then the information is used at a later date...Hard when it's family though...
How do you know if they need to be dropped if you're ghosting them? Ghosting is essentially the silent treatment. It's not a form of self defence or self preservation, it is a passive aggressive form or manipulation and/or abuse that is done with the intention of causing harm to another. Ghosting is never done out of respect, and unfortunately the level to which we disrespect a person is a perfect match for the respect we have for ourselves, and this is visible to other people, not just the person you're ghosting. Tread carefully.
@@roberttruman8444until you’ve met toxic people you will understand. I am not talking about people who make an honest mistake that can be resolved. I am talking about people who will gossip about you, slander you, go out of their way to humiliate and humble you so that they feel better about themselves. People who get angry when you are happy and try to cut you down to size. Trust me you will know. When you grow up you know who is up to no good and has bad intentions and a mature person will understand when something is not for them and will release whatever is not aligned with them. Unless you are happy with being constantly disrespected and manipulated by people who see you as an easy target. Otherwise to each their own.
@@JoanneGuelkeit’s painful when it’s family because we always expect family to be our safe space.
@@roberttruman8444trust me when I cut someone off it is not silent treatment because after that I have no desire to communicate again, meaning I am done. Every person has every right to walk away from any situation that hurts them. So whether people call it ghosting, silent treatment, running away….I am not bothered all I know is I will not tolerate being anyone’s punching bag or idiot. How is working away from bad treatment abusive or manipulative? That’s weird.
Once had a coworker who would ask for help then blow up at me for explaining the work process she wanted help with. Accused me of being a know it all, with some profanity thrown in. By then she'd cultivated a close friendship with our boss, who witnessed this and did nothing. I felt I had no choice but to put up with her horrible behavior and I actually daydreamed of throwing her against the wall and choking her. No one knew this. Was actually relieved when I was laid off.
Oh I’d love to hear more about this story. The whole absurdity of it all dealing with crazies can be quite entertaining and sometimes I feel like I have to laugh about it to cope.
I can identify totally. The difference between sane and insane. Sane don't carry out the fantasy. Yes when I got laid off my life improve, health etc. A blessing in disguise.
I’ve recently started really applying empathy during my healing journey, and I’ll describe it as “giving them space behind them for their backstory. For their trauma” and it basically melts away any judgement I may be holding against them.
I don't know who this lady is; but, anyone listening to her are headed in the wrong direction. Many of us have been disrespected, hurt and damaged by those we trusted. The people hurting you, DO NOT need to be told that they're MISTREATING you. All they'll do is say, "you're too sensitive." 🤐
They know they're hurting you because they're hurting you on purpose. WALK AWAY and don't look back! They KNOW EXACTLY why you walked away. But, they'll play crazy until the day they die. Let them✌️✌️
This is not a blanket statement. Some people hurt others without knowing it. Surely we are all capable of hurting others. No one is perfect. If there is blatant disrespect, it is still okay to say adios! That's standing up for yourself. Running off never empowers.
Hi. I"ve enjoyed your videos, Mel. It's perfectly ok that you had a few problems about 30 minutes before the end of the video. For example when a delivery person came by to drop off your lunch, that's perfectly fine that he came by at a time you didn't expect. No need to feel embarrassed, it just means you're human for not managing your schedule better. Not a problem at all. Just wanted to say I really appreciated this video and your advice in it. I will keep the advice in mind. Thank you!
I love this lady ❤️. I just recently started watching her! Love the content! I'm a subscriber. 👍
Thank you for sharing and for simplifying the information she share for those of us who need it to be broke down into a way we can understand what your teaching..
Thanks Mel for cheering me on and spreading positive energy and habits. You are awesome in making sense of so much.
One of my goals is to Meet you some day.
Be blessed
There's some aspects of your advice that I don't agree with, but I guess we could apply what is relevant for us and discard the rest. Having spent over 10 years giving to a friendship that was definitely toxic, I've learnt to put quite some distance between them and myself. I choose not to cut myself off entirely, but I'm very selective about how and when I have to see them or speak to them. I should have done this sooner. This is my way of setting boundaries and protecting my sanity😊
This may sound weird but I got a bit emotional, when you had the distractions, because you're so authentic, so real and it shows you're just like one of use, like me and shows you're passionate about what you do and I am here for it. I have been learning to remove toxic and abusive people from my life. The first person to go was the, I don't use my, because that's a belonging statement, and he is NOT my problem to deal with anymore. I left him after 32 years of Narcissistic abuse. I've since removed two ex friends from my life for their disrespect towards me. I am not having it anymore and it starts with me. Only I have control of my life and who I have in it.
Unless they're really toxic like a narcissist or a psychopath, in that case you should run for the hills!
Hell yeah 🎉
I had to ghost certain people because when I spoke to them and asked them to stop what they were doing that were annoying and disrespecting me they didn't so unfriended them and then ignored their messages but that was after year's
I'm anxious about the holidays too because there are toxic people in my family and my husband's. However, I'm very surprised by how well I handle these people year after year--I give short answers and ignore them as much as possible. Whew! So I need to not worry because I've already proven to myself that I can handle these people.
So glad you uploaded a video like this because I have been struggling with this issue for a while now and I’ve been very perplex about what decision is correct and isn’t thank you so much! You’re the best
Love you Mel but I disagree with not ignoring toxic family/friends. Sometimes it's necessary when someone won't listen and is being an asshole. It's on them. Ignoring is sometimes the mature response especially when they won't listen. There's different levels of toxic but in my case it's the only way to protect myself from certain family members who take no accountability and have no self awareness.
I actually resent you saying it's cowardly. Bullies are cowards, not people who try to protect themselves. Ignoring is drastic yes but sometimes the only way a person can heal from abuse. It's called no contact and that's a personal choice depending on the level of abuse.
I am around someone who is dangerous frankly, and I had to back away.
with you on that one... hope for good bcomes toxic with toxic people..
Ignoring is required because we are exhausted, tired and weak from all that abuse and toxicity. We need to replenish and ignoring till we are up and strong is a way. But at sometime we have to find a decisive thing to do. Or it will always make you feel weak and then one feels ashamed. It hangs over one's head if not dealt when the time is right
I am on Face Book again but I have taken on NO friends or family on there, not even my husband is on the page , I do look at pages but they are for my enjoyment not for any other reason at all.
I divorced my family and none of us miss each other, NO GUILT. Parents are dead, sibs are toxic and I am FREE finally. Hot Damn, Here I am....
force fields are so very appropriate for me, More Speed Scotty......
Sometimes the "why" is about us!For example, there is no reciprocity on our end i.e. we are not compassionate, available etc and this person is begging us to confront ourselves. This can show up as "annoyance"
That's why starting TODAY, I am hanging out with you, Mel Robbins A LOT!!!
Mel you're great. Helpful and uplifting 🤗💞
Thank you for this!
There may be a preponderance of this advice in most motivational spaces BUT its very premise IS TOXIC if not void of compassion and empathy.
People who've suffered from anxiety disorders or anxiety in general often exhibit toxic habits and behaviours. The continual worry and anxiety, and resultant nagging or ranting that result, IS TOXIC on those around them.
I cannot imagine this vicious advice were to be heeded by people around YOU when you were down and most in need of empathy and patience and love.
So no. I reject this SELFISH piece of nonsense with every fibre of my being.
Good advice Mel! However when someone’s verbally abusive or consistently disrespectful…and an energy vampire! I’m not sure they deserve a conversation. Time is precious and someone 40 and up should be more self aware!
The best friendships are where there is mutual support and love in the good and bad times. Where differences of opinion and experiences and outlook are valued and not frowned upon. Seen to many times where some level of envy or resentment comes out in snide comments. Hard to find true and lasting friendships especially as adults.
Thank you Mrs Mel Robinson.
This information was very helpful..
I can see some of this but sometimes we have been putting up with a crappy relationship that’s been one sided for far to long and our heal and our lives open when and after we drop those people..any way any how..no explanation because we’ve already done it to the ninth degree! And wen ur serious and you let go oh man that can be life changing and a big ole good for you!!!
I love Mel and this advice may work for some but please watch her interviews with Dr Ramani first...
Man covert narcs the absolute worst block and go no contact ❤🎉
Yes! Don't look back!
Mel, you are my spirit animal 😂
Spot on advice. Much appreciated visual!
This does NOT apply to narcissistic abuse.. there’s nothing you can do to help them.. and this advice would horribly destroy the victims of this abuse.
Bull crap
TRue. Let the doorknob hit them, where God split them. Just smile and drive them crazy.
I have a "friend" that is frequently condescending and gets angry with me in almost every conversation. The more we hang out, the worse she treats me. I do care for her but I've determined it's best to only see her at church or group events as one-on-one has become almost abusive. Some people make being a close friend too painful so it's best to just let them be.
Sorry but this is terrible advice for ppl who are victims of narcissistic abuse, ghosting or no contact is ok if needed to protect yourself & be safe. Don't give them anymore info/ammunition to use against you, or the least amount possible. As soon as you realize you are in a toxic relationship do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, grey rock, no contact, etc. PLS STAY SAFE ❤️
I UNDERSTAND WHAT ROBIN IS SAYING AND AGREE WITH HER, AND I CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, I WAS IN A TOXIC, TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND HAD TO GET OUT AND AM SO GLAD, IN FACT HE WAS A COVERT NARCISSIST!!!!!! SHE IS JUST SAYING THAT WE NEED TO CHECK OURSELVES AND BE HONEST AND MAKE SURE WE ARE NOT TOXIC TOO DO THE BEST WE CAN IN TRYING TO DO RIGHT!!!!! NON OF US ARE PERFECT, BUT WE CAN GIVE IT OUR BEST SHOT!!!!!!!! SPEAK UP WHEN NEEDED AND USE DISCERNMENT, BUT SEEK HONESTY AND PEACE AND IF THAT DOES NOT WORK, THEN LEAVE AND TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!!!!!!!!😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊❤
I don't think she is talking about narcissistic abuse....that's a given.
Get out of there.
I couldn’t agree more. It can be devastating when you come from narcissistic parents, ex husband, and now children who are abusive and are in abusive relationships. All one can do is get help, see your part in it, and gray rock or no contact to save yourself and your mental health.
I just broke up with a narcissist last night. They make you feel so special when everything is fine, but the moment shit gets real, like human emotions or depression, they totally ghost and never make time for you! All you will ever get is an excuse and anger. My heart is breaking for what I thought might have been. I even visualized us growing old together.. my heart is shattered, but I don’t have to spend my time now waiting on someone to show the ‘F’ up and get to know me better and l can know him better.
I'm so very sorry for your heartache Lisa, I know it well-was married to a narcissist, didn't even know what the word was at the time, or even that there was a word for the hell I was living privately. After 27 yrs of being a wife and mommy to my beautiful twins now 24 and successful, with hearts like mine thank God, and not healing yet from getting away from him, I chose my first relationship after him to be just as bad.
In the four years, that BF treated me so terribly and yet so happy at times speaking about marriage, each time after leaving me more times than my kids could count anymore, who hurt seeing me suffer, when I protected them so well married to their dad. The selfish BF did not show up at my dad's funeral and had not been there for me in the process of my dad dying from leukemia, but agreed to come to the funeral home to be there for me the day of the funeral . I spent the whole day texting and asking where he was, begging him to come with even his family there. My dad was a well-known respected officer in law-enforcement, so I answered many questions in line for hours, about where Tim/my BF was, and all I could say with tears in my eyes is that I didn't know. That day, there wasn't just one man who left me-the first man to ever love me who is my absolute hero , but my boyfriend who is so toxic and so chaotic for me couldn't even show up on the one day I needed him by my side.
Please, whatever you do Lisa, learn from the pain you are in and what you walk through because there IS the warmth of sunshine on your face ahead....as you hurt through all of the pain. I PROMISE.❤️
Blessings
Michelle
I think you’ve got to pick your battles. I tried to tell three friends how i felt and got no where. It was all about them and their selfish behaviour, hypocrites. I could no longer deal with the disloyalty, and disrespect. The drama and their toxicity. It was starting to affect my health, in the end for my own mental health and peace of mind I’ve cut two friends off and distanced myself from another who I would now treat as an acquaintance. I have not fought with anyone just quietly walked away.
The problem is if I truly avoided everyone who was toxic I'd have to move to a deserted island and live off fish, fruit, and rainwater because they're literally everywhere you go. Every workplace, every grocery store, every hospital, every neighborhood, every school, and even in most families and friend groups. So I think a lot of times we need to just learn how to deal with and live among toxic people because let's be practical at a certain point it's really not always very realistic to avoid or cut contact with every person who shows you deceit, contempt, and disrespect. I feel like some life coaches act like there's just one expendable inconsequential toxic person just dangling your orbit like a useless disposable electron that once dropped will change the atom's overall charge and turn it into a completely different and much happier element in the periodic table or some bullsh*t. When really you're wading through an endless swamp of trash and someone is chirping at you to throw away some of the trash floating by you in the cesspool and meditate as if that's supposed to make you feel better when your up to your elbows in scum that stretches for miles in every direction and it's getting very dark outside to top it all off.
Saw this comment and thought to reply to a total stranger who I know absolutely nothing about, so I say this with a grain of salt…if you honestly feel that toxic people all everywhere and they are multiplying by the minute that you would need to live on a deserted island to rid of all of them (and I realize you may be using exaggerated language to make a point)…may be..just may be…either you are somehow attracting toxic people unbeknownst to you and you can take a look at that, OR your perception that toxicity is all around is a bit skewed and is a sign of something you can take a look at within yourself (unresolved hurt? Fear of abandonment leading to avoidant attachment style? loss of trust? Internal misery campaign? Etc.)
Just thoughts 😊
I wouldn't mind living on a paradise island... That sounds well nice how you described it! 🏝️🔥💯😄🌴
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense is helpful for interacting with toxic people you can't avoid.
People lie about EVERYTHING. I don't feel like I have the time to pause. I don't need any friends .
Life saving and time saving advice! Mel Robbins is a gift to this world. Thank you so much!
Absolutely ❤when I learned of the human devil 😈 friend or family no contact life too short
Facts.
For me the toxic people that are in my family. Are bigger traders than anyone online or an old friend. They're the one that needs to be deleted out of your life to have peace.
Thank you for sharing this information ☘️☘️☘️☘️🐎. This will help so many of us to set boundaries with people in different environments, and how to find solutions.
Wait sometimes it’s a narcissist family member that you are minimizing in your life.
Normally I agree with most things that Mel is saying,but saying that we are toxic inside of us is actually completely a 100% untrue just because we attract toxic people does not make us the toxic person. because I got rid of all the toxic people in my life and now I'm perfectly happy so how do you explain that I was always happy inside of myself and joyful it was a pattern from childhood of feeling sorry for people and continuing to give them too many chances! I hope nobody ever self blames just because they're attracting bad people into their life that usually means that you're good because evil is attracted to good!
I hope you don't mind that i offer my opinion.pleaee keep in mind that i don't know you or your situation. I see toxic behavior as being "harmful behavior" to yourself and others. Toxic behavior comes from an inner wound that has not healed yet.
Let me give an example. An overly giving person often attracts narcissists. The narcissist is toxic, because he harms others by manipulation and lies to control them in order to get their needs met (example: the need for security). This is obviously harmful to others, while they also poison their own mind. Ultimately its a coping mechanism that comes from a deep wound.
An overly giving person is toxic in a way that it is harmful to them because their own needs are not met, and harmful to the other because it is encouraging the coping mecanism of the narcissist. So, overly giving is also a way to cope (example: the need to be valued).
You are very right about not feeling guilty for other people's behavior. I don't believe that evil is attracted to good and in fact believe it is a very dangerous way of thinking. It gives away our inherint power.
It is a way of saying "I am at the mercy of life, it is what it is".
Wouldn't it be much better to say "i come across good and bad people. I decide which ones i invite into my life".
Taking advice from Will Smith of all people, lmao
I do not advocate sitting in dangerous situations. There is nothing wrong with you. Throw in the towel and move on to safe spaces. Dont think you have to put up with disgrosting relationships. I just watched an episode from mel who said cut that loose! Cut it loose and move forward. It could be as simple being attracted to toxic personalities. We are our own best advocates!
What??!!!! WHY are we hearing from will smith of all people?!
But when they do something over & over, like making plans and breaking them at the last minute, once, twice & 3Xs your out, I’m done I don’t have that kind of time for you or anyone
I get what you’re trying to accomplish Mel but when someone is toxic and negative it’s best to move on. There is no obligation, not even blood ties. Ghost them, hang up, block, tell them goodbye or whatever but beating a dead horse is not necessary.
When you’ve had the conversations & the apologies & nothing has changed, ghosting is perfectly fine. I ghosted a close friend after numerous instances of her being horrible. It took her 6 years to notice! It was the right decision.
I got rid of a friend like this a few months ago because I used to confide a lot of stuff in them. I noticed how they just had an addiction to bashing people that he was friends with or people that I knew or neighbors. It's like he liked other people to be small (in his head) so he could step on them and feel bigger. I occasionally wonder if maybe I'm being a bit judgmental on that long? But the red flags have been blaring for too long and I'm going to stick with my gut on this. One day I went ghost and as long as I don't stop by their place and give the them my phone number, I think I'll be a lot safer
where does this clever woman come from. salute!!
you are allowed to say NO and not be around toxic people, even if the toxic person is family. It is never personal, it is all about behaviour. If you don’t want this kind behaviour in your life, then choose this and follow up on that.
I had a very , very toxic family My Mother and the oldest brother and youngest brother. I had a good brother that died in 2008.
I am ready to do this! I am going to continue to watch her and learn!!! Good vibes and good life only
Will Smith advising on how to avoid toxic ppl is rich.
Lmao trump 😂
A lot of the rich it is what it is
the Entanglement of it all 🫢
Ya I don't think showing a Will Smith clip is a good move!!!!
I understand the ads and how much money they make, but every 5-10 minutes is ridiculous. The interruption is not only distracting from your message, but annoying enough that I often don’t finish listening.
I love your videos. Unfortunately the toxic person in my life is my only child. My son. It’s been very hard for 25 years. Now I hv a grandson that I love dearly. I have worked on myself. I have changed my behavior because I have no control over him. He thinks he knows everything constantly trying to talk at me to tell me things I don’t understand about him. It’s a delicate dance. Thank goodness now I go down and Snowbird in Florida and I’m completely away from him for four months a year. I believe there’s some mental illness definitely narcissistic behavior. I’ve studied that here on TH-cam for a couple years. Thank you for all of your input. Happy for you for your success. Keep up the great work.
Well, Welcome to the refuge of Florida. We have our own toxic mix here but none of them is your son, LOL. Great place to work on boundaries if you need to, lots of tourists and the natives are used to people who do things differently. 🤪🤯😎
I have this same problem at the moment which has been ongoing.
Love my grandbabies.
My son's partner has a lot to do with this attitude.... she's aloud to do all the comunicating but if we communicate she causes a rift by planting rubbish in his head and does it covertly.
It's tough but I have to let them go and enjoy my life.
It just wears you down to the point you have no life trying to navigate peaceful ways to spend time with the grandbabies.
Wow I totally get that. Definitely sad though especially around the holidays. I’m in a similar situation with my adult daughter after her sisters death at 20 in 2014. In Florida too
All your videos are beyond brilliant and so helpful!! The amount of knowledge and helpful advice you give and share with us make me so grateful for you, your youtube channel and your books.
Well done Mel and thank you so much again for all your wisdom you share with us. It doesn’t go unnoticed!
Thank you!
Mel! No! Do not engage at work. Sit with a supervisor and engage with hr if needed. This is not ok, what she advised could be considered harrassment. Please consult your ethics department if in doubt!!!
Pls address how to deal w toxic family.
Mel... I'm curious to know if you still think that Bill Gates is the most important person to listen to these days?
DETECTING PATTERNS is KEY for those of us in recovery from past harming patterns.
WE need to key into the specific phrases that continue to give us an un-easy gut reaction.
TIPS:
1. Make an inventory of these statements.
2. Make it mandatory to combat this with WORDS TO YOURSELF that are accurate and kind.
3. Create and recite an affirmation each morning, specific to you, detailing you deserve happiness.
BEST PRACTICES and WISHES to us ALL!
My daddy raised no fool ❤
What if you do lead with kindness and they haven't?
Their reverting technique will let them reply THEY ARE SORRY YOU CHOOSE TO FEEL THAT WAY.
Also if yours are narcs, they don't give a dam of you showing off
Toxic is toxic period.
Amen ❤
It's perfectly fine and valid to try to understand and have compassion for someone who is toxic for as long as they're prepared and willing to take responsibility for their behaviour. Reaching out to someone who keeps being verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative is not healthy at all.
I have an issue that just arose, is why ai watched this post. Before I was made music director, I had a friend in choir. We sang alto together. We were very close. When I became the music director, she responded like a 6 year old. Mad because I was leading the choir and not singing her part with her, stuff like that. She doesn't excell at music or anything, has no dreams around that. She's an INCREDIBLY successful IT person who has her own business by 16. There was an altercation during Sunday school between her son and my daughter. They were around 8 I think. After that she's spent the last 7 years rising in the ranks of the church and giving me the silent treatment. For SEVEN years. It's been awful. I avoid social gatherings because of her. She would brush past me slamming my shoulder not speaking, stuff like that. It has been so so negative of an impact on my relationships at church and simple freedom to NOT be on the watch for her. On Christmas Eve, at the service she bounces up the steps to the organ, where I am, says "my friend, and rounds the organ. And hugs me for a long time. I was in shock and just said thank you.since then I e just been thinking how much I'd wanted this to occur YEARS ago when it was appropriate. Now it's just weird and red flaggy and my gut doesn't want it. Then I noticed at communion that she's peering over to see what I'm singing from, which was just lyrics on my phone and then starts singing along, but of course didn't know know the piece, just making sure I know she could do that too. She's on the vestry. I just got a raise. She may have had part in that. I simply don't know what to do. I'm positive she'll be hitting me up to sing in choir. She was a disaster to deal with before. Nitpicking every little thing. I'm super trepidatious now as I don't trust her and her behavior has been atrocious and inappropriate. It's like I've got the Christmas spirit on one shoulder proclaiming a Christmas miracle and cynical as hell in the other shoulder saying Hell no, don't trust this bitch. What do I do? I appreciate Mel's viewers taking a stab at this.
Leave the church , go ding and be apart of a different church and choir. To much drama and it shouldn’t be going on especially in church setting.
Blocked the negative and had the absolute best thanksgiving and Christmas was very peaceful
Will Smith: not a good example 😶✋
No way is he a good example of relationships... LOL. Unless you need a sparing partner. Those are easy to find.
Will is bullied by Jada!!
Love love your son 😊 and the snow globe scenario
I agree. He might have “great words” but their not genuine words.
Mel, would you reject someone who thinks that the only thing stopping a person from building the MLM team of their dreams is themselves? To me it’s like saying if you fail in an MLM, it’s no one’s fault but your own! Not the terrible business model, or spending all their time nagging others to buy everyday items that have substitutes that can be bought in a store - without the nagging!
Great talk. Although I got burnt out giving everyone the benefit of the doubt with the endless empathy stream. Now I’m just okay being confronting if people expect to just keep things civil.
Also, where is the material that helps people be more accountable for their actions that do impact others. A person can’t just go around (for example: talking peoples ear off and never reciprocating the listening ear) and then do the force field thing because people are impatient with them or at their limit but the person doesn’t listen.
The people who are sometimes the least self-aware are ones that trigger others and then look for validation that everyone else is toxic and they are the victim when they are the ones triggering people.
Like for instance, is it only in the workspace that you receive certain feedback? You also receive it at home and from strangers? Hmmmmm…
I like the last part where you asked the person if THEY are making their family members feel seen and heard and supported. My sister always came to me with issues she was having with guys and people at work. At some point. I said, “What about our relationship? I’m here. How come you aren’t concerned with making sure I’m supported or heard? Why aren’t you concerned with the quality of our relationship?”
Ur. good💪👍
It's fine to disagree but don't make it personal.
Safe people care about about how their behavior impacts you.
The best people strive to make it better for everyone. ❤
Great advice.
Wow.
When somebody's upset, particularly with families, they're trying to put the attention on themselves to gain control, (sometimes) using guilt as a way to manipulate others. 😮
You're rejecting people because they have issues which isn't their fault. My family rejected me for the last 50 yrs and it's still going on! Just because they are scared of my depression! WTF!!!😡
They have small minds.
WAS THAT ANOTHER EXPLANATION FROM WILL? SOUNDS LIKE JADA.....
Hi Mel
What about a toxic church leader
A woman that’s calculated
Expects unreasonable treatment
I’m a hairstylist that worked at home for a season and this person wanted a favor for a 11:30 pm appointment for a so called emergency then I was asked this favor 2 more times
Upon the 3rd time I put a hard stop to it. This person tells confidential 🤐 info the woman shares with her to others in that church.. took her to lunch and very gently addressed it… honestly it was a plethora of toxic events continuously
I left that environment
Was I wrong ?? By the way those hair appointments were 6 hour services
I’m also a hairstylist,, I’ve been through all of this,, BOUNDARIES!!!!,,, you are the boss of your business and in charge of your life!
I think you already know the answer to your question.
Church folks the absolute worst it’s very sad and f cults
Who cares about ppl on line, disconnect, it’s the toxic family that’s hard, I disagree Mel, if your partner does nothing but lie and gets mad about everything u say or do and I can’t have an Adult conversation cuz it has to go their way, which he will turn around and say it has to b my way, so their we go, he just deflects to start arguments instead of Ever doing what’s right for the betterment of his wife and child!!! But we shldnt ghost ppl just bcuz but what do u do when your the one who always has to reach out and if you don’t then u don’t hear from them, that gets old too
Will Smith is not my mentor. 🙂
I attempted to reconnect with my life long "Toxic" person, she insulted me without awareness and ghosted. I think she did me a favour.
What happens when you are always the giver. Then treated like your their doormat.
@ Joanne Freeman 🤚 My Goddaughters did this for a while. I just stopped initiating contact, but I was sweet and polite when they called me. If asked to do a favor you don’t like just politely tell them you are very busy and wish them luck finding someone to help.
Stop, dial back the giving. Be less available, say 'I have some new appointments and I'm not available.'
Overgiving/overfunctioning can feel transactional. I don't like to feel indebted to anyone. If you find yourself feeling resentful, unappreciated, and exhausted, you might want to study codendency and anxious attatchment style . I just ended a smothering friendship.
It's horrible when it's with a sibling and literally the entire family supports that person even though they know you've done nothing wrong.
I was a victim of a massive smear campaign despite living 2300 miles away from my siblings into my mid-40s. At 49, I'm no contact with all three of my siblings and I'm never going to talk to them again. Except for my older brother, I'm done with the other two for sure. And he would have to do a lot of explaining to have any part of my life
@@NoMoreMrNiceGuy2003 I can understand. But I think ultimately we deserve to be happy so we should try our best to avoid this negativity
❤️❤️❤️❤️
I have this issue with my housemate, my empathy allows them to remain in their crankiness - thank you for reminding me THIS is Their Issue. I am distancing myself and have stopped asking "How they are doing?" since they ALWAYS choose toxicity....ALWAYS traffic, bad drivers, and printer Ink to change.
Yo Mel. Your the type of person that I know we would be friends growing up. Your madd funny and you keep it real. I feel we’re sisters from another mother. 😅Thank you!!!!!!
Sometimes we can't know what's going on with people. I thought a friend was just being cold. Turned out he had very early Alzheimer's. There was no immediate lesson except a reminder to reach out. Other times you can tell there's more going on and all you can do is either reach out or give it time. But that would be something you might not want to ignore. And sometimes another person is traumatized but they can't share it as such. If you decide they've simply become a drag and you want to get rid of their "negativity," then you really are not a friend, and also not a very caring person. Age and the passage of time (and events like Covid on those less young) can take a toll.
Too late - I’ve ghosted them.
It's really been a difficult journey for me having a narcissist parent who lives around the corner and is elderly. I think the lesson I have learned is NEVER be that kind of PERSON.
I got one too and I’m living at home right now it’s really hard
@@nazeere8823 I'm sorry. I understand completely. Blessings💕
Does this work with FWB