So refreshing to hear someone who also looks for people who are genuinely kind as opposed to superficially "nice" and who are also fun. This is just the comboninlook for in relationships.
I find all your videos to be very spot on with my childhood trauma, and the information has helped me to understand myself. I just want to thank you, you are very inspiring, and helpful.
There are friends in the outside world and there are the friends we make on youtube, where we are freer to communicate from the deeper parts of ourselves and find those who like to do the same... Thank you for your vulnerability and openness in sharing so many of your thoughts and experiences Daniel, I have been bingewatching your videos recently, its so comforting to find others who also prioritise healing 🙏
Most people want to be friends with rich people who are superficial and have hundreds of followers on instagram, or “cool” people who have bad habits like them. I would like a friend to discuss deep subjects with, who also knows how to laugh at small things and the absurdity of life. Someone transparent and genuine, humble, and wise.
3:19 Dude that is very much me. When you think freely, you realize that most 'society think' is really pretty harmful and emotionally reactive. So yeah same. I don't have many good friends, mostly because I am not a group thinker.
I'm regularly curious about people... and when I feel such curiosity, I recall a few bad experiences to which it had led me... The possibility of being seen as prying, and putting my nose where it's not welcome, feels me with dread. Protecting the dignity of both others and myself is just as a thing to be valued as the possibility of friendship.
I find it helps to precede deeper, more personal questions with a casual disclaimer that, if they don't want to answer or don't feel comfortable, then I'll drop the subject then and there out of respect for their boundaries.
Great tips. I think, for me, I'm happiest when I can escape being around others. I enjoy being alone, and find that many of those I feel the greatest connection with are writers and film makers, many of whom are long dead. (Aren't the arts great?) That I consider Bruno Schulz and Isaac Babel to be my friends is, in the minds of some, maladjusted, but I suggest such people aren't serious readers, for reading great work is to partake of great minds; it's powerfully intimate and liberating. Solitude and books allow me to be a better person to the living.
Indeed, fully agree. Though lately I am more and more realizing that some of the greatest books are the living ones, the ones to be read/observed on the street, in the markets, in the shops, in the train stations, and anywhere where people are to be found really.. observing the way people move and behave and interact, the way the conditioning is played out, the way traumas are played out. Observing with openness and deep sensitivity and non-judgement, observing the way nature moves, observing this whole indescribable endless mystery (that was given the label 'life').. In a way, these living "books" might be even more profound and interesting than the books committed to print, since the living ones are open ended and do not claim to know or have the final word on anything (as a printed word seems to). There is great humility in letting one's concepts and conclusions crack open...
I accept people being different and don’t need them to be completely the same as me - but I can’t accept a person who is manipulative in any way intentionally or not. And that’s a lot of people, I worry I’m being too harsh! How do you deal with these people as friends and should you? They’re not always terrible people and can have a lot of good parts.
i know what you mean. most people manipulate. it's kind of part and parcel with ego. the ego wants what it wants. those who have been taught respect will not employ manipulation. those who haven't been taught to respect other people, will have a much easier time manipulating others to get what they want. could even be tiny things like wanting the biggest pie slice at dinner party. i try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to remind myself that there are things about me that other people will not like. it's very hard, but i don't know any other way. even my loved ones have lied to me so many times in my life.
I see most grown up people as lost children. Looking for love and doing so in the most distorted ways (such as manipulation, for example). I found that most manipulation in people is the result of trauma, big or small. A result of a traumatic distortion in the nervous system and psyche, that leads to a distorted perception and leads the whole system to act in ways that are NOT natural to human beings (not natural to a baby that is just born into this world) but rather acting in ways that are LEARNED coping mechanisms in response to the traumatic withdrawal of love that was experienced at some point. Most people employ manipulation as a way to get love, we just don't know any better. It seems that all of us are just looking for love without conditions (that most of us never got when growing up, because of the unconscious, insensitive and brutal society and family we were born into), and many do it in a very distorted and hurtful way, like a clumsy person who has good intentions but ends up breaking everything on the shelf. My natural reaction - when seeing that grown up loveless child looking for love in all the wrong ways - is compassion. I might not like them or want to be around them, but I understand the pain that has brought them to this point and I can't hate them...
You don't deal with them. You just avoid them. I equate manipulation to emotionally punching someone in the face. Physical AND emotional battery are not ok in my book.
Daniel Sometimes I witnessed people actually resenting if anger or frustration or a strong reaction doesn’t occur thus interpreting this as a lack of caring, that being understanding and not hating or taking things calmly, with respect of their preferences and choices somehow makes them feel unloved, making them resent me, do the same to me but with the purpose of finding ways to resent me back or maybe they just had parental figures that worried a lot and didn’t have boundries growing up thus creating a different form of love language in their minds, caring more about the opinions of those that critique them whether they are right, partially right or wrong. Maybe they are unevolved or just speak a different cultural language of love and experiences it on a different amount or level, I can’t tell. I’ve witnessed people caring more about the opinions of the people that disrespect them and try to fix them back into respecting them than me actually respecting them from the start thus already getting what they want out of me and moving onto the disrespectful ones. I for one would prefer not having to show the extra effort to get people to respect me but be with the ones that already do, I guess it all comes down to preferences.
@@transsexual_computer_faery I have one close friend who is sometimes too dense to feel empathy on certain things, and he employs emotional manipulation while to untrained eyes, he appears to just be impassioned and confident. I still need to have "the talk"* with him. Hope it goes as well as I hope because we're bandmates and friend-family for life. He's the only one in this close circle whose behavior reminds me of my parents and how they wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt on many things they had preconceived assumptions about.
I know this is obvious, but I too love people who are fun and adventurous - people who have a sense of humor. Most people bore me to death, including my own parents. Drives me nuts when people have no humor or anything, just small talk constantly.
Mine too! He feels like my brother too. I so resonate with his energy. Even more than just the words (I might not fully 100% agree with every word he utters), but a resonating with where the words arise from.. The attention and noticing of the.. how to call it?.. the subterranean energy that is the often unspoken (and unnoticed) foundation of every interaction. I love that he brings attention to that which is behind the words. That is also what draws my attention the most. (and we even have the same name.. :)
Now I get it, if the other person is open to being friends with you too - that's how you make it - by asking sincere quoestions and listening - it works bc it's a sign of curiosity, acceptance and openness and that's how you get to know each other.
I had a lot of friends in college but once you start working, how do you make new friends other than with people in the work place ( which is not for me as most of the conversation is gossiping about coworkers which im not interested in). I've found more interesting people on YT that share my values, and you're one of them Daniel. I appreciate your honesty.
Thank you Daniel for this insightful and honest guide! We are all so disconnected from one another it is sad how a lot of us don't even know how to make friends.
Thanks for sharing Daniel. I went through difficult times in the past few years in college. I was already struggling at the beginning because of familial problems, and that narcissistic girl made my life even poorer and more miserable. It turned out that I went into the relationship with the problems I have had with my mother, and things got really paralyzing when I try to understanding problems and myself deeper, and at the same time needing to deal with her overwhelming demands and disagreeable attitudes. My original ways to see friendships and values have been forgotten because of her, and I have forgotten that I actually have a position to think about the friends which I want to have and to select them according to my needs. Perhaps I was stuck in a pessimistic and helpless condition for too long. Yes, good values, kind, fun to hang around, curious about other people, honest and polite, etc, these are certainly good characteristics. And perhaps everyone respect and kind of like these kind of people, no matter what they have been through or how comparatively inadequate they current are. Thank you so much for sharing.
Not to disagree with your advice, which is a very healthy way to consider relationships, but I have a few comments. I find that the practical problem is meeting the kind people to listen to. In my experience, there just aren't many. There is a general culture in Western societies for superficial relationships based on objectifying people. Not literally everyone, but practically everyone treats other people as disposable entertainment and distraction. Hard to say whether it's the cause or effect, but it is like social media has taken over the real world. Finding a good connection isn't like finding gold, finding anyone who is even relatively open and self-aware is like finding gold. So many times, you (I'm speaking generally here) can talk and listen to someone and if you threaten their bubble universe in even the slightest way you immediately become like an unperson to them. I'm all for giving people your whole attention and being present with them, but if it's not reciprocated then this seems like you're not respecting yourself either. This isn't a conversation or any kind of relationship or friendship, because when you give your attention to people like this, it's valueless to them, and they're using you. You're not really listening to them, you're affirming them and their worldview. We should all pay attention, really listen to other people, as human beings with innate value and inherent worth as a human being. Maybe it depends on geography, and people are healthier in other places. But I have to say, I meet very few of these decent people who are open and self-aware.
The problem I have found is that when I'm not interested in understanding myself, I'm not interested in understanding others. I don't wanna be doing the "pretend to be interested in others" thing which is just a manipulation so they'll be interested in you. That's just as harmful to yourself as doing things for attention like wearing flashy clothing or driving a flashy car. It's all attention grabbing and no attention giving. You know you're actually interested in a person when you're wanting to know things about them without any expectation of reciprocity.
A lot of people sometimes ask about you only with the intention to lead into talking/monologuing about themselves too. Heck, I used to do this. Nowadays my curiosity is as authentic as a child's.
This is a hard one. I think I'm good at listening and being genuenly interested in people's lives, but if I strongly disagree in a way that is important to me I will not make much effort to meet again. The friend I love the most is very quiet and shy. She won't share too much. I hate her taste in movies and music, but we share some common values and that's it. I feel close and free with her. But it's just her. :/
Mr. Mackler's advice is good and healthy. But I know what you mean, and I agree. I've had some bad experiences with being genuinely interested in people. In my experience, the vast majority of people are not open or self-aware. When you're present and listen to them, they often (not always, but often) treat it as affirming to them and their worldview, not as a small connection between two human beings. I too can't listen to people when they say or express something which is unhealthy or doesn't treat other people with respect as human beings (I'm not talking about social justice topics here, by the way). Social media has made this exponentially worse. Most people are quite unhealthy. Also (but I should take the time to think if this is a lack of patience on my part!) most people I meet don't have anything interesting to talk about, and they're really quite boring! I have some friends with some pretty bad taste in movies and music, but in the end, that's neither here nor there. It's the people who are beautiful inside and good human beings who are valuable, and I just know very few people like this.
Tolerance and intellectual cowardice are kissing cousins, the world is in moral decline because people are reflexively tolerant of bad ideas. That's my opinion at least
As good as these advises are, they don't work for everybody. For people like me they don't, for example. I would listen to people and be interested in them all the time, but on the other hand I am not fun and I'm not interesting. I'm also very ashamed of the way I am, I had mostly negative experience and almost no positive one with people. People don't like people like me, with my lifestyle etc. Knowing that, I can't open up about my life. So since it can't be just about me listening all the time people lose interest as soon as they find out I have nothing else to offer them. I also look lifeless and act like a robot or a living corpse because of my trauma. They always point that out and before finding out what's wrong with me I didn't even know about it and it was really hurtful and damaging to me because it doesn't point out the cause of the problem, it was just about them reacting to me negatively which contributed so much to my social anxiety and self-isolation and still does. People with my type of trauma/upbringing (I would call myself schizoid, but I know Daniel doesn't like these labels) probably can't get better any other way than with the help of a good therapist. That's also because we can't be as self-sufficient as Daniel recommends us to be because it's our primary defense mechanism, as he knows. Most of us often get so delusional we think that if it's us then it must be us only, 100%. So since it's hard for me to get friends and it's super rare to meet someone who you'd have a deeper kind of friendship with, I can't get any other support that that of a therapist which I'm lucky to get so far (not often, but that's another story). Another thing is it's not possible for everyone to love themselves on their own and be their own friend if they didn't have any positive experience with people, i.e. they didn't get at least some love by their parents or at least if they didn't spend some time in therapy with a helpful therapist who would replace that parental figure. That's what I've heard and that's what I think too because I found it to be not really possible for myself.
I relate to a lot of this but it is possible to love yourself. I have abusive parents and I've been alone all my life yet I learned to love myself by reading about cptsd and figuring out my traumas. I still act like a robot and can't connect to anyone, I probably seem like an empty shell to other people and I've tried going to therapy but this part doesn't seem to get better, it sucks.
I don't know, to be honest. As far as I've heard, you can't start truly loving yourself just by reading books and you need to experience a healing relationship to do so. But that's what therapists say.
@@BlackCat-vf7th look at D. Mackler's other videos, he has more than 200. He's also written a book on self-therapy which you might want to check out (he mentioned about it in his journaling video; btw you being a good writer, should def check out his video on that). He also used to have few friends and no direction in life...
I wish I had friends as individual as anybody else As a child, I wished that I would become special - got schizophrenia ;D Damn, I should be careful what i wish for
@@xeropunt5749 I get your point... I think my BS-Detector is working well..... sometimes I can't resist writing answers with puns or some sarcasm. Individual Friend who is like everybody else is not individual at all ;)
Hey Daniel, have you heard of an MBTI? You sound like an INFJ big time. INFJs are great listeners, can't openly share their view as it's deep and not conventional so it might offend others, they are introverts, highly empathetic, self-therapists etc. I'm an INFJ myself as I recently realized and this knowledge literally changed my life, everything makes sense now. :)
Will you come to see Berlin one day? I will love meet you...i watch you for a long time and agree in so many ways. we share values and im an empathetic liestener. Greets!
People are people. If you expect them to be things they are not, you will assume they suck. Having people in your life who know you well and are willing to be part of an adult partnership of mutual benefit means they should be able to give you feedback and help, so long as you can reciprocate. Doesn't sound like you are there and that means life is probably much, much harder. I hope it gets better.
@@PaulThronson I definitely had a pathologizing childhood, summarized by emotional repression of any unpleasant thoughts\feelings. I did not like either side of my family and it felt like prison. Things got better when my step-grandfather intervened and paid for private boarding school but the damage had been done. After years of growth work, I can say that 99% of people are completely clueless to what Earth is and who runs it (that is improving slightly since the 2020 crap). You cannot have a satisfying relationship with someone who is in denial of basic realities that you are aware of. While what you say may be true for blue-pilled sheeple, good luck finding a community of awake people, in your physical proximity. I've had some luck online. You're right that having good relationships with others can be mutually beneficial but if drinking the Kool-aid is a requirement for membership in that community, then you will lose those who know what's in the drink. The only success is learning what Earth is, not returning and making the best, for self and others, while you're here.
@@taketheredpill1452 "You cannot have a satisfying relationship with someone who is in denial of basic realities that you are aware of." Sorry I am just getting to this! Of course you can a "satisfying" relationship with someone who is in denial of basic realities. Imagine a blind person with a seeing eye dog. Imagine a son who has a handicapped mother. And these are extreme examples, there are many more in my own life I can think of. Seems to me you push hard on your beliefs like they must be true and yet you are the only one who has thought of them? So what is MORE LIKELY true - you are the smartest person alive and only you know the truth about being human or you are deeply traumatized from human interaction and that bias has crept into many of your intellectualizations and beliefs about socializing with people?
@@PaulThronson - At least you have an argument. 1. MILLIONS of people know what I know. I didn't come up with any of this stuff. I'm intuitive and can see the big picture but can't always understand it. When others share their ideas, I know whether it fits the big picture or not and go from there. 2. Your blind\dog analogy fails to mirror the situation; a better example would be a blind person who denies the possibility that others CAN see or that site even exists. - #Incorrigible 3. Depending on the severity of the mother's handicap, that is a parasitic burden, not a relationship. Not judging that kind of sacrifice, just clarifying it. 4. The very reason I experienced so much trauma, as a kid, was that I saw sMother\them for what they were at the age of 5. My understandings are not warped by my trauma, my trauma was a consequence of my understandings. Having to pretend you like\love an omnipresent bully, in denial, leads to Stockholm Syndrome... 5. Your arguments, assumptions and perspective reveal that, like most, you are in denial of what Earth is.
Where do you go when traveling to meet these friends? Do you volunteer, take up hobbies like surfing, join support groups, etc.? That's the only question I have, because the world doesn't have a lot of structure in terms of creating adult friendships. I know you previously talked about how Al-Anon helped you make friends at one point in your life. But there seems to be no silver bullet type of answer. I know you said you meet healthy people in healthy contexts, but it would be great if you could give a list of examples of healthy contexts and places to meet warm, kind, self-loving, fun people.
Possibly a more important question (and one that might lead to more inner growth) is 'why is this important to me'? (not that it shouldn't be important to you, but just to find out what inside of me finds this to be important/irritating? what does this reflect back on me, and what does this show me about my self, about my inner make up?) If there's one thing I learned in this life, it is that everything I see outside is based on my own mental interpretation, and in reality reflects my own inner make up more than it actually reflects anything else about what is actually happening out there...
Possibly a more important question (and one that might lead to more inner growth) is 'why is this important to me'? (not that it shouldn't be important to you, but just to find out what inside of me finds this to be important/irritating? what does this reflect back on me, and what does this show me about my self, about my inner make up?) If there's one thing I learned in this life, it is that everything I see outside is based on my own mental interpretation, and in reality reflects my own inner make up more than it actually reflects anything else about what is actually happening out there...
Your body language shows considerable amounts of agitation, which would seem to me that you need to release anger in a forceful way, as opposed to letting in seep out. Then, I'm in a numb dissociated state, so that's arguably worse.
They might be both aspects of the same spectrum of trauma. Trauma tends to proceed in the order of - fight/anger, and when the fight is realized to be futile then the freeze/shut down response sets in. In other words, underneath the numb/shut down/freeze reaction lies the river of fire/anger/fight/agitation (and as trauma gets healed the order is reversed, first the freeze/shut down reaction needs to get "unfrozen" so that the fight reaction can be accessed and played out again and released/resolved. If this is of interest, see the work of Peter Levine 'somatic experiencing', as well as Irene Lyon's work. And most of all, see the profound pointers of Jeff Foster (life without a centre) and Matt Licata (a loving healing space)..
So refreshing to hear someone who also looks for people who are genuinely kind as opposed to superficially "nice" and who are also fun. This is just the comboninlook for in relationships.
I find all your videos to be very spot on with my childhood trauma, and the information has helped me to understand myself. I just want to thank you, you are very inspiring, and helpful.
what? just be actually interested in someone else other than yourself?
what a radical idea.
it needs to be said, sometimes.
Love what you share, Daniel. Thank you for the warm-hearted videos
There are friends in the outside world and there are the friends we make on youtube, where we are freer to communicate from the deeper parts of ourselves and find those who like to do the same... Thank you for your vulnerability and openness in sharing so many of your thoughts and experiences Daniel, I have been bingewatching your videos recently, its so comforting to find others who also prioritise healing 🙏
Love that you have high standards and moral compass
Most people want to be friends with rich people who are superficial and have hundreds of followers on instagram, or “cool” people who have bad habits like them. I would like a friend to discuss deep subjects with, who also knows how to laugh at small things and the absurdity of life. Someone transparent and genuine, humble, and wise.
3:19 Dude that is very much me. When you think freely, you realize that most 'society think' is really pretty harmful and emotionally reactive. So yeah same. I don't have many good friends, mostly because I am not a group thinker.
I'm regularly curious about people... and when I feel such curiosity, I recall a few bad experiences to which it had led me... The possibility of being seen as prying, and putting my nose where it's not welcome, feels me with dread.
Protecting the dignity of both others and myself is just as a thing to be valued as the possibility of friendship.
I find it helps to precede deeper, more personal questions with a casual disclaimer that, if they don't want to answer or don't feel comfortable, then I'll drop the subject then and there out of respect for their boundaries.
We're so much alike. I definitely love being around people who like to laugh. 😁
Thank you, Daniel! I simply love your videos, they are so inspiring!
Great tips. I think, for me, I'm happiest when I can escape being around others. I enjoy being alone, and find that many of those I feel the greatest connection with are writers and film makers, many of whom are long dead. (Aren't the arts great?) That I consider Bruno Schulz and Isaac Babel to be my friends is, in the minds of some, maladjusted, but I suggest such people aren't serious readers, for reading great work is to partake of great minds; it's powerfully intimate and liberating. Solitude and books allow me to be a better person to the living.
Indeed, fully agree. Though lately I am more and more realizing that some of the greatest books are the living ones, the ones to be read/observed on the street, in the markets, in the shops, in the train stations, and anywhere where people are to be found really.. observing the way people move and behave and interact, the way the conditioning is played out, the way traumas are played out. Observing with openness and deep sensitivity and non-judgement, observing the way nature moves, observing this whole indescribable endless mystery (that was given the label 'life')..
In a way, these living "books" might be even more profound and interesting than the books committed to print, since the living ones are open ended and do not claim to know or have the final word on anything (as a printed word seems to).
There is great humility in letting one's concepts and conclusions crack open...
I accept people being different and don’t need them to be completely the same as me - but I can’t accept a person who is manipulative in any way intentionally or not.
And that’s a lot of people, I worry I’m being too harsh!
How do you deal with these people as friends and should you? They’re not always terrible people and can have a lot of good parts.
i know what you mean. most people manipulate. it's kind of part and parcel with ego. the ego wants what it wants. those who have been taught respect will not employ manipulation. those who haven't been taught to respect other people, will have a much easier time manipulating others to get what they want. could even be tiny things like wanting the biggest pie slice at dinner party.
i try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to remind myself that there are things about me that other people will not like. it's very hard, but i don't know any other way. even my loved ones have lied to me so many times in my life.
I see most grown up people as lost children. Looking for love and doing so in the most distorted ways (such as manipulation, for example). I found that most manipulation in people is the result of trauma, big or small. A result of a traumatic distortion in the nervous system and psyche, that leads to a distorted perception and leads the whole system to act in ways that are NOT natural to human beings (not natural to a baby that is just born into this world) but rather acting in ways that are LEARNED coping mechanisms in response to the traumatic withdrawal of love that was experienced at some point.
Most people employ manipulation as a way to get love, we just don't know any better. It seems that all of us are just looking for love without conditions (that most of us never got when growing up, because of the unconscious, insensitive and brutal society and family we were born into), and many do it in a very distorted and hurtful way, like a clumsy person who has good intentions but ends up breaking everything on the shelf.
My natural reaction - when seeing that grown up loveless child looking for love in all the wrong ways - is compassion. I might not like them or want to be around them, but I understand the pain that has brought them to this point and I can't hate them...
You don't deal with them. You just avoid them. I equate manipulation to emotionally punching someone in the face. Physical AND emotional battery are not ok in my book.
Daniel Sometimes I witnessed people actually resenting if anger or frustration or a strong reaction doesn’t occur thus interpreting this as a lack of caring, that being understanding and not hating or taking things calmly, with respect of their preferences and choices somehow makes them feel unloved, making them resent me, do the same to me but with the purpose of finding ways to resent me back or maybe they just had parental figures that worried a lot and didn’t have boundries growing up thus creating a different form of love language in their minds, caring more about the opinions of those that critique them whether they are right, partially right or wrong. Maybe they are unevolved or just speak a different cultural language of love and experiences it on a different amount or level, I can’t tell. I’ve witnessed people caring more about the opinions of the people that disrespect them and try to fix them back into respecting them than me actually respecting them from the start thus already getting what they want out of me and moving onto the disrespectful ones. I for one would prefer not having to show the extra effort to get people to respect me but be with the ones that already do, I guess it all comes down to preferences.
@@transsexual_computer_faery I have one close friend who is sometimes too dense to feel empathy on certain things, and he employs emotional manipulation while to untrained eyes, he appears to just be impassioned and confident. I still need to have "the talk"* with him. Hope it goes as well as I hope because we're bandmates and friend-family for life. He's the only one in this close circle whose behavior reminds me of my parents and how they wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt on many things they had preconceived assumptions about.
I know this is obvious, but I too love people who are fun and adventurous - people who have a sense of humor. Most people bore me to death, including my own parents. Drives me nuts when people have no humor or anything, just small talk constantly.
Love you, Daniel!
Bertrand Russell wrote a tract on so-called "Nice People".
Be my friend, Daniel! Though in a way, you're my brother.😊
Mine too! He feels like my brother too. I so resonate with his energy. Even more than just the words (I might not fully 100% agree with every word he utters), but a resonating with where the words arise from.. The attention and noticing of the.. how to call it?.. the subterranean energy that is the often unspoken (and unnoticed) foundation of every interaction. I love that he brings attention to that which is behind the words. That is also what draws my attention the most.
(and we even have the same name.. :)
Honestly, I agree with so many things you say/believe. Your videos helped and still help me so much.
Your tips and information are always so good. Love when you make videos.
Now I get it, if the other person is open to being friends with you too - that's how you make it - by asking sincere quoestions and listening - it works bc it's a sign of curiosity, acceptance and openness and that's how you get to know each other.
I had a lot of friends in college but once you start working, how do you make new friends other than with people in the work place ( which is not for me as most of the conversation is gossiping about coworkers which im not interested in). I've found more interesting people on YT that share my values, and you're one of them Daniel. I appreciate your honesty.
Keep being yourself Daniel, l find you, on the whole, likeable.
Wow. I’ve been going about friendship all wrong. I thought I was the performer, the one to make everyone laugh, and then people would like me.
So true, some real beautiful pictures Mr Mackler
New fan and subscriber after watching this video. This video should have 3,000,000 views.
Thank you Daniel for this insightful and honest guide! We are all so disconnected from one another it is sad how a lot of us don't even know how to make friends.
Thank you for these insights.
Thanks for sharing Daniel. I went through difficult times in the past few years in college. I was already struggling at the beginning because of familial problems, and that narcissistic girl made my life even poorer and more miserable. It turned out that I went into the relationship with the problems I have had with my mother, and things got really paralyzing when I try to understanding problems and myself deeper, and at the same time needing to deal with her overwhelming demands and disagreeable attitudes. My original ways to see friendships and values have been forgotten because of her, and I have forgotten that I actually have a position to think about the friends which I want to have and to select them according to my needs. Perhaps I was stuck in a pessimistic and helpless condition for too long. Yes, good values, kind, fun to hang around, curious about other people, honest and polite, etc, these are certainly good characteristics. And perhaps everyone respect and kind of like these kind of people, no matter what they have been through or how comparatively inadequate they current are. Thank you so much for sharing.
I just discovered your Chanel. It is so refreshing honest and inspiering. Have you ever been in Norway? 🇳🇴😊
Not to disagree with your advice, which is a very healthy way to consider relationships, but I have a few comments. I find that the practical problem is meeting the kind people to listen to. In my experience, there just aren't many. There is a general culture in Western societies for superficial relationships based on objectifying people. Not literally everyone, but practically everyone treats other people as disposable entertainment and distraction. Hard to say whether it's the cause or effect, but it is like social media has taken over the real world. Finding a good connection isn't like finding gold, finding anyone who is even relatively open and self-aware is like finding gold.
So many times, you (I'm speaking generally here) can talk and listen to someone and if you threaten their bubble universe in even the slightest way you immediately become like an unperson to them. I'm all for giving people your whole attention and being present with them, but if it's not reciprocated then this seems like you're not respecting yourself either. This isn't a conversation or any kind of relationship or friendship, because when you give your attention to people like this, it's valueless to them, and they're using you. You're not really listening to them, you're affirming them and their worldview. We should all pay attention, really listen to other people, as human beings with innate value and inherent worth as a human being. Maybe it depends on geography, and people are healthier in other places. But I have to say, I meet very few of these decent people who are open and self-aware.
The problem I have found is that when I'm not interested in understanding myself, I'm not interested in understanding others. I don't wanna be doing the "pretend to be interested in others" thing which is just a manipulation so they'll be interested in you. That's just as harmful to yourself as doing things for attention like wearing flashy clothing or driving a flashy car. It's all attention grabbing and no attention giving.
You know you're actually interested in a person when you're wanting to know things about them without any expectation of reciprocity.
A lot of people sometimes ask about you only with the intention to lead into talking/monologuing about themselves too. Heck, I used to do this. Nowadays my curiosity is as authentic as a child's.
I agree finding a genuine kindred spirit is rare. But that’s ok 😊
This is a hard one. I think I'm good at listening and being genuenly interested in people's lives, but if I strongly disagree in a way that is important to me I will not make much effort to meet again. The friend I love the most is very quiet and shy. She won't share too much. I hate her taste in movies and music, but we share some common values and that's it. I feel close and free with her. But it's just her. :/
Mr. Mackler's advice is good and healthy. But I know what you mean, and I agree. I've had some bad experiences with being genuinely interested in people. In my experience, the vast majority of people are not open or self-aware. When you're present and listen to them, they often (not always, but often) treat it as affirming to them and their worldview, not as a small connection between two human beings. I too can't listen to people when they say or express something which is unhealthy or doesn't treat other people with respect as human beings (I'm not talking about social justice topics here, by the way). Social media has made this exponentially worse. Most people are quite unhealthy. Also (but I should take the time to think if this is a lack of patience on my part!) most people I meet don't have anything interesting to talk about, and they're really quite boring! I have some friends with some pretty bad taste in movies and music, but in the end, that's neither here nor there. It's the people who are beautiful inside and good human beings who are valuable, and I just know very few people like this.
If I get too questionable they start to think I'm nosey
Tip number -1
Actually leave your house sometimes.
I have trouble with this one.
Love your videos 💗
Kind people trigger the kindness in me, too.
No, you have to have cultivated it within you first, then it's more real and long-lasting... That's what he said in the video...:)
Insightful thanks
❤
So who wants to be friends?
Craig and Kyong were thinking of you and send their love.
Also a question what draws the line between a kind person (genuine), and a nice person (fake)?
It's very easy to be nice, it's not so easy to be kind. Nice is how you act, kind is how you feel - it's empathy, compassion and humanity.
00:18 is that Izmir, Turkey?
Yes! During the taksim square protests in I think 2013...
Nice! I was also there at the same time period so i immediately recognized the place.
@@TehGoddamnBatman wow!
Etymological meaning of nice is stupid.
True
Tolerance and intellectual cowardice are kissing cousins, the world is in moral decline because people are reflexively tolerant of bad ideas. That's my opinion at least
As good as these advises are, they don't work for everybody. For people like me they don't, for example. I would listen to people and be interested in them all the time, but on the other hand I am not fun and I'm not interesting. I'm also very ashamed of the way I am, I had mostly negative experience and almost no positive one with people. People don't like people like me, with my lifestyle etc. Knowing that, I can't open up about my life. So since it can't be just about me listening all the time people lose interest as soon as they find out I have nothing else to offer them. I also look lifeless and act like a robot or a living corpse because of my trauma. They always point that out and before finding out what's wrong with me I didn't even know about it and it was really hurtful and damaging to me because it doesn't point out the cause of the problem, it was just about them reacting to me negatively which contributed so much to my social anxiety and self-isolation and still does.
People with my type of trauma/upbringing (I would call myself schizoid, but I know Daniel doesn't like these labels) probably can't get better any other way than with the help of a good therapist. That's also because we can't be as self-sufficient as Daniel recommends us to be because it's our primary defense mechanism, as he knows. Most of us often get so delusional we think that if it's us then it must be us only, 100%. So since it's hard for me to get friends and it's super rare to meet someone who you'd have a deeper kind of friendship with, I can't get any other support that that of a therapist which I'm lucky to get so far (not often, but that's another story).
Another thing is it's not possible for everyone to love themselves on their own and be their own friend if they didn't have any positive experience with people, i.e. they didn't get at least some love by their parents or at least if they didn't spend some time in therapy with a helpful therapist who would replace that parental figure. That's what I've heard and that's what I think too because I found it to be not really possible for myself.
I relate to a lot of this but it is possible to love yourself. I have abusive parents and I've been alone all my life yet I learned to love myself by reading about cptsd and figuring out my traumas. I still act like a robot and can't connect to anyone, I probably seem like an empty shell to other people and I've tried going to therapy but this part doesn't seem to get better, it sucks.
I don't know, to be honest. As far as I've heard, you can't start truly loving yourself just by reading books and you need to experience a healing relationship to do so. But that's what therapists say.
@@BlackCat-vf7th look at D. Mackler's other videos, he has more than 200. He's also written a book on self-therapy which you might want to check out (he mentioned about it in his journaling video; btw you being a good writer, should def check out his video on that). He also used to have few friends and no direction in life...
I wish I had friends as individual as anybody else
As a child, I wished that I would become special - got schizophrenia ;D
Damn, I should be careful what i wish for
@@xeropunt5749 I get your point... I think my BS-Detector is working well..... sometimes I can't resist writing answers with puns or some sarcasm. Individual Friend who is like everybody else is not individual at all ;)
@@xeropunt5749 want you to stop by my youtube page ;)
Interesting Project I have there, maybe you like it!
I’d like to be your friend. If you came to Dublin I’d love to meet you. We would talk for ten hours about life.
Hey Daniel, have you heard of an MBTI? You sound like an INFJ big time. INFJs are great listeners, can't openly share their view as it's deep and not conventional so it might offend others, they are introverts, highly empathetic, self-therapists etc. I'm an INFJ myself as I recently realized and this knowledge literally changed my life, everything makes sense now. :)
Hi Eliza, I just watched Daniel's video and had the same thought. INFJ here too 💞
@@_Louise__ 🤗
Same :)
@@schenelle79 😊
I'm exactly this way too, except I got INFP. Maybe I should take it again, it's been years.
Good listening
Will you come to see Berlin one day? I will love meet you...i watch you for a long time and agree in so many ways. we share values and im an empathetic liestener. Greets!
👍
People suck. Making friends is for people who are in denial about people.
Getting a$$holes to like you is not a good thing
People are people. If you expect them to be things they are not, you will assume they suck. Having people in your life who know you well and are willing to be part of an adult partnership of mutual benefit means they should be able to give you feedback and help, so long as you can reciprocate. Doesn't sound like you are there and that means life is probably much, much harder. I hope it gets better.
@@PaulThronson I definitely had a pathologizing childhood, summarized by emotional repression of any unpleasant thoughts\feelings. I did not like either side of my family and it felt like prison. Things got better when my step-grandfather intervened and paid for private boarding school but the damage had been done.
After years of growth work, I can say that 99% of people are completely clueless to what Earth is and who runs it (that is improving slightly since the 2020 crap). You cannot have a satisfying relationship with someone who is in denial of basic realities that you are aware of.
While what you say may be true for blue-pilled sheeple, good luck finding a community of awake people, in your physical proximity. I've had some luck online.
You're right that having good relationships with others can be mutually beneficial but if drinking the Kool-aid is a requirement for membership in that community, then you will lose those who know what's in the drink.
The only success is learning what Earth is, not returning and making the best, for self and others, while you're here.
@@taketheredpill1452 "You cannot have a satisfying relationship with someone who is in denial of basic realities that you are aware of." Sorry I am just getting to this! Of course you can a "satisfying" relationship with someone who is in denial of basic realities. Imagine a blind person with a seeing eye dog. Imagine a son who has a handicapped mother. And these are extreme examples, there are many more in my own life I can think of. Seems to me you push hard on your beliefs like they must be true and yet you are the only one who has thought of them? So what is MORE LIKELY true - you are the smartest person alive and only you know the truth about being human or you are deeply traumatized from human interaction and that bias has crept into many of your intellectualizations and beliefs about socializing with people?
@@PaulThronson - At least you have an argument.
1. MILLIONS of people know what I know. I didn't come up with any of this stuff. I'm intuitive and can see the big picture but can't always understand it. When others share their ideas, I know whether it fits the big picture or not and go from there.
2. Your blind\dog analogy fails to mirror the situation; a better example would be a blind person who denies the possibility that others CAN see or that site even exists. - #Incorrigible
3. Depending on the severity of the mother's handicap, that is a parasitic burden, not a relationship. Not judging that kind of sacrifice, just clarifying it.
4. The very reason I experienced so much trauma, as a kid, was that I saw sMother\them for what they were at the age of 5. My understandings are not warped by my trauma, my trauma was a consequence of my understandings. Having to pretend you like\love an omnipresent bully, in denial, leads to Stockholm Syndrome...
5. Your arguments, assumptions and perspective reveal that, like most, you are in denial of what Earth is.
Where do you go when traveling to meet these friends? Do you volunteer, take up hobbies like surfing, join support groups, etc.? That's the only question I have, because the world doesn't have a lot of structure in terms of creating adult friendships. I know you previously talked about how Al-Anon helped you make friends at one point in your life. But there seems to be no silver bullet type of answer. I know you said you meet healthy people in healthy contexts, but it would be great if you could give a list of examples of healthy contexts and places to meet warm, kind, self-loving, fun people.
你为什么总穿一样的衣服？
MONSIEUR LI haha ?我也经常看他的视频。 可能是他觉得舒服吧
In my opinion minimalism is a great character trait of him.
do you record all these in long sessions? that shirt's pretty recognizable by now
That’s his signature look
it’s called minimalist wardrobe movement:)
Classic timeless shirt and a good clip.
Possibly a more important question (and one that might lead to more inner growth) is 'why is this important to me'?
(not that it shouldn't be important to you, but just to find out what inside of me finds this to be important/irritating? what does this reflect back on me, and what does this show me about my self, about my inner make up?)
If there's one thing I learned in this life, it is that everything I see outside is based on my own mental interpretation, and in reality reflects my own inner make up more than it actually reflects anything else about what is actually happening out there...
Do you have other shirt?
Possibly a more important question (and one that might lead to more inner growth) is 'why is this important to me'?
(not that it shouldn't be important to you, but just to find out what inside of me finds this to be important/irritating? what does this reflect back on me, and what does this show me about my self, about my inner make up?)
If there's one thing I learned in this life, it is that everything I see outside is based on my own mental interpretation, and in reality reflects my own inner make up more than it actually reflects anything else about what is actually happening out there...
Daniel you change the subject... why inner grow is important? Probably this is very rare desire in this world....
Do you have intelligence?
name did you click a like under own comment... ???
Qué pena que lo que comentas tiene que ver con el aspecto de una persona, no con el mensaje que trata de compartir una persona, qué triste.
Your body language shows considerable amounts of agitation, which would seem to me that you need to release anger in a forceful way, as opposed to letting in seep out. Then, I'm in a numb dissociated state, so that's arguably worse.
They might be both aspects of the same spectrum of trauma. Trauma tends to proceed in the order of - fight/anger, and when the fight is realized to be futile then the freeze/shut down response sets in.
In other words, underneath the numb/shut down/freeze reaction lies the river of fire/anger/fight/agitation (and as trauma gets healed the order is reversed, first the freeze/shut down reaction needs to get "unfrozen" so that the fight reaction can be accessed and played out again and released/resolved.
If this is of interest, see the work of Peter Levine 'somatic experiencing', as well as Irene Lyon's work.
And most of all, see the profound pointers of Jeff Foster (life without a centre) and Matt Licata (a loving healing space)..
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