Hi Ana, thank you for taking the time to correct your mistakes. It really shows you have a strong character and care for both your audience and combating misinformation. This really cemented your channel as my favorite psychology page
well no, the conclusion was that in many aspects relationships with age gaps tend to turn out being worse for either one or both of the partners, depending on circumstances
Hyphenate: Intimate-partner violence. I don't know why she uses the acronym instead of merely saying "violence", given that we are talking about marriage anyway and intimacy is to be expected and so should not have to be mentioned again.
I see my age gap relationship as the one that actually worked for me. I didn't care about the age difference because we are adults who are both in the same place in life. We are really good friends. We can talk about anything. We look at work and household tasks as shared responsibility. There are healthy boundaries. Perhaps I am just lucky to have found this person who I love and he loves me back. I cannot say why it works for us, but it does.
Dated ppl my age. Im 20 for context. They just never clicked with me because they didn’t quite know what they want or they made me uncomfortable on dates. The person I’m with now is 13 years older and has been the most respectful and loving partner I had. He also actually communicates when there is a problem which no one else has done. Before someone goes “oh bad” I went for him first. I shot my shot and it worked. He never does anything without my consent and has been helping me mentally and financially. I’ve been less stressed with him because he encourages me to not be in everyone else’s issues and being held by him makes me feel safe. As for life experience I own my house. I have about 4 yrs now of customer service and got 3 promotions within those four years. I’ve moved a lot growing up and pay my own bills and mortgage. Education? Finished highschool early via GED cuz covid fucked my school over and everything ended up being optional I see nothing wrong with age gaps as long as you can stand your ground
I would like to share my own story with you and hopefully it helps someone else out there. Having a support network is important as it should be in any relationship. I had one serious age gap relationship where she did not have a support network because she moved to be with me far from her hometown. There was also other factors that I neglected to be cautious about, she was in a bad socio-economic situation, from a broken home, and had a long history of abuse and emotional trauma. But I had it in my head that I was the older mature responsible one so if I was “good to her” that I could “fix her” or “make it right” or something like that. She became abusive pretty early, and because of our situation I felt trapped with her, I couldn’t get distance because I was responsible for her well being now. She physically abused me several times (sometimes for emotional sometimes for sexual reasons) and eventually decided she wasn’t attracted to me anymore either, and grew very distant. I did my best to be supportive, and occupied myself by taking care of the house almost exclusively by myself and studying for job certifications to advance my career while she was out with friends. Eventually I got the feeling she began cheating on me, and I was right and caught her in the lie, but but she continued to lie and emotionally manipulate me because she depended on me for her support and livelihood in lieu of family, and simply leaving me wasn’t an option. I tolerated so much because of reasons like feeling responsible and accountable for everything. I coped with the stress by resorting to marijuana. I regret that after so much abuse towards me and continuing to catch her cheating, that I became neurotic and abusive as well, with serious trust issues, but I understand now that it’s not my nature and it was an extreme situation and that with proper boundaries, structure, and healthy expectations that a relationship can work but that I had really set myself up for disaster from the beginning. I went through a lot of counselling and therapy and work on myself and self love. I’ve turned my entire life around in several profound ways since then over a considerable amount of time as well. I would not seek out an age gap relationship again, in fact I don’t actively pursue dating at all, but I wouldn’t turn it down if someone who was emotionally stable, lived locally, has their own supportive family and circle of friends, was interested in me. And I would take it a lot slower also. I’ve converted to Christianity now and would prefer to wait for marriage and take a considerable amount of time getting to know the other person before committing and being stuck together like I was before. And in the future I would also substitute my coping mechanisms with fitness or further counselling/therapy, which I was afraid to admit that I needed in the past. I think I would turn that way first if I have serious stressful issues in a relationship that I can’t understand how to handle or what to do about.
You are an effective communicator, and now you've confirmed what I already assumed, which is that you exercise the intellectual humility to accept feedback and share corrections when you feel it's appropriate. I'm not surprised, but you still deserve praise for doing such good work, and making it consistently interesting and useful. Thanks, Ana!
I'm a gay man, and when I was in college I preferred sexual partners who were significantly older than me (usually 30s to 40s). I found them to be a lot more safe and stable than other gay men my own age and although I usually didn't date them, I found them to be invaluable in experimenting with my sexuality and coming to accept myself as a gay man. Age gap relationships may have tend to skewed power dynamics, but it bothers me that so many people regard age gap relationships and sexual play as inherently wrong. I was not mature enough to be in a good partner in a relationship at that age, but I was old enough to consent and I don't regret the experiences I had. I've known plenty of gay men who have married older partners and are quite happy years after the fact. Age gaps in sex and dating can be a red flag, but they have to be evaluated on an individual basis and not automatically assumed to be abusive.
Thanks for sharing! I was rolling my eyes a bit at how heteronormative the literature on this topic is. When it comes to same-sex couples, the power dynamics are already so different from straight couples, so I think it would be worth looking at this from a same-sex lens too.
Whole thing is subjective. Having a problem with age gap relationships that aren't or have never been illegal is ageist. It's just another form of prejudice.
From my own personal experience, it seems more common for gay people to have age gap relationships because it can be harder for us to find other young people who are out
@@madelinevlogs5898 that is definitely a contributing factor. It is also more normal for people from a wide range of ages to inhabit gay spaces. The gay bars I've been to had regular patrons from their 20s to their 50s.
Very big respect for you for calling yourself to account, making it right, and putting forth steps on how to do better. You are awesome. Keep being awesome. I appreciate you.
Nigeria is very diverse. It has many different cultures, some people live in the modern western world and some live like it's still the stone age, are illiterate, and have nothing. Some are Muslim, some are Christian, and some are pagans. I feel like it should make a distinction.
Hi Ana, thanks for re-editing your video correcting the mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes and I'm sure you spread this information with good intentions, regards and good luck
This level of accountability and humility is exceptional, thank you Ana. I’ve gotten a lot of flack for my assertions about Age gap Relationships (retired mental health professional, with a PhD) and I am trying to gather the best research to make valid conclusions. I appreciate your help in doing so!
That was really professional! Thank you for being consistent and correcting your own mistakes. It really shows maturity and accountability. All the best!
This really raises my respect for my pops. He's 10 years older than my ma, and he's extremely composed and relaxed even if my mom is impatient and has a fiery temper, he cools things down instead of engaging her 😅
Yeah... I feel that it is mostly an issue when the younger person is very young becuase that where I here many of worse stories. I remember seeing a video going around a few months ago where a man said that he loves younger (early 20s) women because they are more malleable... this is the type of mindset I personally am most concerned about/interested in. But I really wish there were more studies on this. I feel like I hear so many stories/experiences yet barely any studies exploring these things in detail.
@@onnol917 co-sign this. If your youth is the primary thing they’re value they’re straight up admitting they want to use you and don’t give af about your needs no matter how much they claim to care about you
@@onnol917 Oh for sure, that guy was telling on himself.... But I feel not all, even most people who have this midset don't ever say it out loud and so clearly. It's usually something that is identified in retrospect.
Based on the example of my parents, I always thought age gap relationships were problematic and basically shouldn't be persued, as I assimilated them with misunderstandings based on just different worldviews (so not even talking about ipv). And then, boom, destiny's irony hit me, and I met a guy who's 15 years older than me, and with whom I connect like I've never had with any other man before. Obviously, I still think there are risks to age gaps relationships, especially if the younger partner has not had any other experience before (and it definitely would be concerning if they are underraged), since they lack then certain tools to form a judgement on the possible power dynamic. But my own experience showed me that such an asymetric power dynamic is not inevitable, and that individuals can sometimes just click in the most wonderful way, despite the age difference. At the end of the day, it depends on your personalities.
Me and ex were 5 years apart (him being older) and omg it was the most depressing 2 years of my life. He was my boss and was sweet at first but became controlling, manipulative and abusive after a while. I miss my naïveté and simple life before him but now can appreciate the wisdom and discernment it taught me. Asé.
One thing that I think this study is missing is the key factor for all relationships: emotional age. Because your physical age does not always correspond to your emotional/mental age. In order for any relationship to work, they need to be emotionally on the same level so they can communicate on the same level. This is the only way any age gap relationship can work in the long run. If you have a relationship where one partner may be physically 35, but has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old, you’re gonna end up in a vicious toxic and/or codependent cycle that is hard to get out of.
My bf is 10 years older than me, (I'm 26) and we are together for 2.5 years and live together for 1.5 year. So far it's the best relationship I've had by far. We've also both been to therapy before we met for a few years, so I think we both grew more mature, trusting and patient, which probably helped as a lot in our relationships.
How’s that relationship going a year later? I understand that you were with a 33-year-old when you were 23. Age gaps can sometimes be concerning due to developmental differences. When there's a significant age difference, the younger person may be at a different life stage, making them more vulnerable to imbalance in the relationship. Someone who is 10 years older may have more life experience, which can create a power dynamic where the younger person is more easily influenced or controlled. This isn't to judge your relationship but to highlight a common concern based on psychological development and the potential for unequal dynamics. It's great to hear that you're happy, and I genuinely hope everything works out for you. I’d be interested to hear your perspective when you're 33 and whether you would consider dating someone who is 23.
thanks so much for this video Anna! I gained a lot of insights based on the researches you've mentioned. I myself is in an age-gap relationship. And I've never been happier, confident and reciprocated way better.
They should do a study on the link/relationship between "age gap" and "narcissism" and the self-centeredness of the older partner who may view their partner merely as their narcissistic extension or property. Older men usually feel elevated by the youth of their partner which they view as an asset. I personally belive they're less satisfied after 8-10 years of marriage because the woman has become emotionally more mature and is now able to set better boundaries or is less susceptible to manipulation and exploitation.
They should also check the biases of the various studies that were conducted by men on this issue! That would explain the contradicting research results.
Honestly I think the problematic elements of age gaps has more a symptom of cultural indoctrinations that inform behavior rather than being a problem in and of themselves. Which is to say, I agree with you that it is more an intriguing rational value's issue, among other factors in that vein.
I applaud your ownership of responsibility with providing, acknowledging, and correcting the statements which you make. Keep up the great work!!! Thank you for the sharing of knowledge! 🙌🏻🙂
My childhood friend met a guy online when she was 18 and he was 23. Kinda crazy thinking of myself, now 23, starting a relationship with an 18yo. But it worked for them. They're getting married soon. Both lovely people.
Independently from the content (which I am still listening to), you taking responsibility of an apparent error is a great thing in my eyes. Congrats and my respects.
I'm soon to be 24 and I have been in a committed relationship with my much older boyfriend since I was 21. He is 23 years older. Age gap relationships is something I was apprehensive about before him and thought it was kind of weird so I was definitely not looking for someone that much older. Neither did he date someone as young as I was, the youngest he had recently gone out with before me was 29 and he thought she was too young as they had nothing in common. His last partner was only a couple years younger. So we was not the kind of man that went after younger women for the sake of it. However when we started spending time together it just felt so natural and we had so much fun doing the most basic things, like hiking and working out. Neither one was planning or hoping on falling in love but it just naturally happened we both found each other attractive. Would I encourage someone to actively search for an age gap relationship? Never. My friends were all concerned for me when I told them about my relationship, and rightfully so because all of the reasons you pointed out. In most cases, an age gap relationship is the result of a predatory and manipulative man who wants a malleable and young girlfriend because he thinks a woman's value is connected to her age. However age gap relationships can work, in my opinion healthy age gap relationships are a minority but they exist. Love is apolitical and does not follow rules and logic. I can't do anything about the fact that I love him. Btw he treats me really well, better than my parents and cares for my wellbeing and pushes me to be a better person. He has significantly raised my standards I'd have on my next partner if we were to break up.
I also want to point out that I am aware that this situation could have ended badly had his motives been like those that I described. I was after all inexperienced and young. A situation like ours could have been easily manipulative had he been a man like I described and that's why I consider myself lucky. I went into this relationship a little naive and there are things I would have done differently if I could turn back time. Buy it is what it is, I acted in the best and smartest way I could back then because that was the best I knew, I was very careful and thought about everything very deeply. I'm retrospect I should have spent more time with him talking about important issues and life plans and such. Here is also where I consider myself lucky because even though be didn't talk much about those things until the first year or later, we discovered that we agreed on many things and had similar life goals. I think this relationship is like the minority of minorities and I would never encourage people to seek an age gap relationship just because of the age gap. If it happens, it happens - I'll support anyone if the relationship is healthy and both parties are happy and positively influenced
@@santaana4493 thanks for sharing. But do you think there can be a good thing in age gap? Because when you have that gap, you wouldn't tolerate things that you were tolerating if it was your pear? You sceptical towards older mate and it might be good for you to truly evaluate his/her behaviour towards you for what it is. Pretty sure being Machiavellian manipulative is not age-related.
Some of these studies are kinda silly bc it’s a whole lot of assumptions. “These people are happier” “Closer age is happier” “interracial couples are happier” You don’t know how happy anyone is unless you are in their household. Some people stay together for yearsss and they hate each other. Idk I just felt like making this point lol
IPV can depend on various factors, the couple's individual coping mechanisms, the socio economic statuses, history of substance use, having history of IPV , etc.
The studies from "emerging markets" should not be used. These are from more old school traditional societies where domestic violence to some degree might even be somewhat tolerated and the norm. Most of your viewers are likely from westernized countries so from the perspective of providing value to your users, only data from the western world should be used. My two cents from someone that used to work in a field that used a lot of data, statistics and sampling.
Ana, thank you for being so forthright and honest about your mistake. I'm quite sure that most of us will easily overlook this little mishap. In fact, I'm equally sure that, if anything, people will respect you even more *because* you are willing to admit to a mistake and to take obvious pains to correct it. Kudos to you; keep up the great work! I see very lucky clients for you in the future :D
It is very admirable that you acknowledged what you believe to be a mistake in your interpretation of the Nigerian study and took steps to correct that perceived mistake. As for the studies themselves, as you pointed out, there does not seem to be any consensus in the conclusions. Since each study looked at different aspects and variables in relationships, it is difficult to apply the results to any given relationship. The dynamics in one relationship may be completely different than another with similar age-gaps and therefore negate the findings and conclusions of a given study. Of course, this is just my own opinion. I hope you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving.
at the end of the day it's not about the age, it's all about how you built fundamental of relationship at the very beginning, my gf is 25 y.o, and im 20 right now, it's been a month, we are in first date when i said to her, one thing we have to know, it's not gonna be easy but what we can do is we fight for this relationship together forever, trust, understanding, compromise is something we can do together, i need your help to build this relationship because i can't do it on my own without you, we have to work together for this relationship.
Leaving aside the error you corrected in this video, I think videos like this should be considered the gold standard for science communication: You break down the general question into very relevant subquestions that makes it easier to answer the broader question overall; cite and explain the relevant papers; are clear about what we know from the research, what we don't know and where there's uncertainty; and, finally, you're clear when you're making your own interpretation of the findings. Thank you for the great content!
personally I don't think older men would be doing less IPV, since I don't believe that this can change with age. In my opinion (and experience), if someone's violent, unless he does severe therapy, he'll always be violent.
Same here. 30y age gap. It's all about emotional maturity. She's too smart for her age and I'm too smart to break up this relationship because of age gap taboos.
Thank you for this upload, interesting as usual, I was so happy to see it pop up! - need to have a look at your others as just realised I haven't watched one of your uploads in a while actually. Thank you again, Hope your Well and please be careful with over working on TH-cam and burning out can happen without noticing, so I agree defiantly pace yourself and your content for a healthy balance. :-)
This is interesting. But I bet there are people who will dismiss your video as lame or victimising because it’s against US values, and the US isn’t mentioned when providing your evidence.
Big problem to start with is how is the word power defined? There is a big difference between having physical coercive power over someone and psychological power. Also, what political system are there people living in, do they have recourse with the political system if they are being coerced?
Was in an age gap relationship (I'm 25 my situationship partner was 31). Wasn't much of an issue. I was the younger man in the relationship. But I've had a lot of life experiences so I find myself drifting towards older people or towards more mature people
25 and 31 is not really considered an age gap relationship that’s only a 6 year difference and considered appropriate and in the same decade and same generation. Age gap relationship is more the considerably “Inappropriate” is usually more 10-20+ years
I didn’t date until 2nd half of college. He was 4 years older and a master in social situations. I was bad at socializing so I found him fascinating. Later I always dated younger guys because I am highly independent. Cognitively I am more logical and analytical than emotional. The guys who tend to like me a lot are more feeling driven. In the beginning it seemed complimentary but the discontent would rise after honeymoon period. I felt trapped and guys felt diminished. Menopause saved me from ever wanting to date. I am retired and very happy being solo.
At least you are willing to take down the video, take accountability, and correct the information. Madisyn has a video titled “the BBL epidemic” where she body shames & name calls other girls and says rude things , she kept the video up because it has a lot of views and turned off the comments once people started calling her out. I unfollowed her after that because it was clear she wasn’t as spiritual, kind, or secure in herself as she claims 🤷🏻♀️ Edit: I love your videos Ana just found it ironic lolol
In this world every person is just enough different to make a difference regardless of age, if you seek to find a compatible mate you will have to do your do diligence in veting the person your intrested in.
This was very interesting. I'm a 23 year old woman whose first age gap relationship (8 years, he was 29 and I was 21 when we started dating) was actually the healthiest relationship I had ever been in and was incredibly healing for me after some of the shit I had gone through with younger men who were emotionally immature and either depended on me way too much or couldnt commit to anything serious. We broke up mutually because we just realised we wanted different things in life and were in very different stages in terms of readiness to get married and have kids. I've been single for about a year now but have recently started seeing another older guy (30) who I actually have been friends with for years - we lived together for 6 months when I was 19 - and only now are starting to realise how much we have in common and how much we click on so many things. But I've been living independently in a different country to my parents from age 18 and have had to support myself financially and emotionally (lord knows i've had lots of therapy) for a very long time. I definitely think if I had less life experience and less independence I would be vulnerable to exploitation but I feel very secure in my ability to look after myself first and with this new guy we really feel like we are on the same page about a lot of things and share a lot of the same (anti-capitalist) values etc. For me the older men that I have let into my life have been a breath of fresh air in terms of emotional maturity and the ability for each of us to lead independent lives while still being incredibly fond of each other. But I definitely can see how that often isn't the case and wouldn't go around saying that age gap relationships don't come inherently with any risks.
@@Zimx02 Surprisingly no, but I think that's just because my parents and friends could see that I maintained independence and knew what I was doing. The age gap was the only so-called 'red flag' and so it was pretty clear at least to those around me that I was fine. But it definitely was something I worried about and i always felt like I had to be ready to defend it just because of the generalised social stigma.
I just looked up "what is IPV" because I had no idea what you were talking about. So many TLA's! Intimate Partner Relationships. OK. Got it. EDIT: I see where my problem lies. I was listening while doing something else, thus unable to see what you had posted on the video. My mistake. Thanks for covering such an interesting and important topic.
My last relationship was with someone much younger than me, and people were worried in the other direction. She was in a much higher paying job than me (in that she had one), had a driver's license, had waaaay more relationship/sexual experience than me etc. idk, didn't last but not because of any age things.
The explanation she gave was that she didn't really see me in her future. Beyond that, I was probably the lowest on the totem of relationships. She had three other partners with whom time was more prioritised and honours was ramping up and being quite stressful. As far as break ups go, not the worst.
Inappreciate the corrections a lot. I think my previous comment was something I have commented in many places on the internet, that is, age difference is one factor of many, that can cause a power imbalance in a couple. I think I said that you can still be taken advantsge of by a younger person simply by them being higher up in the hierarchy at a workplace. I just think people think age is the only factor and are overly specific about it at times, that other factors, like a general power imbalance, are overlooked. And I think this is worth paying attention to. The other thing is, that I believe that this hookup culture will be a problem that will become a smaller one over time, because it to me represents the remaining attempt of men trying to hold on to some type of power. But we are the women that educate the next generation of women, and the men of the next generation are a lot more critical of these old gender stereotypes. Assholes will always exist, but I believe that we will see that to a lesser degree, and spread across the genders more.
You are a snow flake! People in your age group ( or any group any more ) rarely take accountability for there mistakes. Come back and not only correcting but going into it and make it clear, I give you mad props for it. You are going to be a great asset in your field.
Using snowflake to mean "unique" in a positive way instead of to mean "overly sensitive" means you're not locked in today's culture wars and have a life. Keep it up lol!
After ending 2 age gap relationships as a woman who’s 24 (both with men who earned a lot of money) the truth is men will still be men regardless of age. And men are primarily users. They’ll only consider what they need out of the relationship first and just will throw whatever they can at you and just hope something sticks so they can pinpoint what you need at this point too. I think the dynamic works perfectly if you simply want your partner to be a beneficiary but I think as I’m getting older and more senior in career the idea of having a lifelong male partner is getting bleaker. There’s way too much misogyny in the air
Unfortunately this appies to both sexes. In today's world people are more egocentric. Thats why the 'use or be used' mentally is so prevalent, it creates more difficulty for authentic, respectful and honest relationships evert day.
Thank you for being egalitarian but give credit where its due and men are historically and current more of a perpetrator and user than women will ever be in ever category.
Hmm I've Never sensed this from my partner It seems like they just wanna love me unconditionally, spoil me (I've saw this with 2 year older than me and 4 years younger than me and we all are in our 20s) And both guys earn really really well I just sensed that they want a lifelong partner They wish to keep me safe and a lifelong wifey with all the wife benefits The sex only comes in picture when I'm physically comfortable
well there are some genuine guys out there but u either havent met them or havent considered them. you cant just say "half the entire human population is like this"
Gracias por lo detallista que eres. Gracias por la rigurosidad, transparencia, que dás al informar :D. A mi me encanta mucho eso, y se valora que seas tan dedicada! Saludos de Perú
I think it’s pretty simple in a rule of thumb kind of way. 12-14 isn’t too weird but 12-16 is. 15-18 is kinda weird but 18-21 is completely normal. 25-35 kind of strange, 65-75 completely normal. I think variation is much more dependent on how old you both are. A 28 year old who only seeks under 20 y.o is weird imo, but totally legal ._.
The love of my life is 30 years younger than me and we have the greatest possible relationship. She looks up to me and I teach her things and we’re so happy together. Also she’s literally my daughter, don’t be weirdos.
the difference is that adolescents are not even legally allowed to be with older partners. Them suffering from IPV does not mean that in a relationship between to adult, consentous people with an age gap cannot be healthy, talking about maybe 30 and 48 year-olds.
This is top-of-the-line. I had the pleasure of reading something similar, and it was top-of-the-line. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
I think a lot about all the young, pretty women that become famous and almost instantly start dating older guys (Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, Billie Eilish now...). It's not a coincidence. There is a system in place that makes it easier for them to be groomed instantly by someone much older. It's like they are fresh meat in a sea full of sharks. There are so many famous older dudes that only date bare legal women and it's so disgusting ):
@hey hey yeah because 18-22 and 19-32 is exactly the same thing. 18-22 is not even considered an age gap relationship. Are numbers too difficult for you to comprehend? They're hard for some people, I know.
@hey hey even if I choose to believe your speculation, 17-22 is not ideal but Taylor was under 25 herself (fully grown adult according to neuroscience). 22 is pretty young. That's TOTALLY different than a 29 year old dating a 17 year old (demi), a 32 year old dating a 19 year old (taylor and john mayer), Billie Eilish dating a 32 year old who met her when she was 15... They were all fully grown adults chasing very young women. But you don't care. You just want to contradict and say ItS thE SamE fOr BoTh GeNdeRS, PoOr Men ):. I don't know why I'm wasting my time with you, honestly. And I know there are creepy fully grown women out there who date teenagers, and they're wrong, but it's not as common as the other way around, and the older women get demonized by everyone while the older dudes are seen as heroes.
I think they can do that because they have the fame to back it up. In my opinion if they werent famous and rich, .... they wouldnt be able to get a young model in her twenties.
"so many famous older dudes" Those famous older dudes make up like 0.0001% of the population. Who cares, this does not reflect or affect society as a whole
I'm a 30f and one of my best friends is 22m. We talk multiple times a day and it's been like this for 7 months. We've known each other for a year but didn't become close friends until months into knowing each other. I've never had a guy friend as close or as emotionally intimate as him. I love him (I love all my friends) but until I have xxx I won't be actually in love w/ him (even tho sometimes it feels like it), right now I am simply attached to having him in my life. He also knows I am not dating rn and I don't do hookups. I also have never had a serious relationship and have little to no sXXual experience (I was basically a nun in my 20's... and still now lol), he has had plenty of both. This sounds a little extreme but I always wanted to have my own house and own career and have everything in my life fairly "perfect" and then thought dating would come AFTER I had established these important life goals. Because anything before that would just make me feel like I didn't know what I was doing or know how it would impact my future goals which I felt were crucial to my survival and mental well being, and I also wanted to be in love and date the person for a year before getting physical but it's a big and long commitment so I opted not to even bother b/c nowadays who does that or would want to do that? Having a family is also no where near on my mind like it is for others my age, but then again I haven't been even "messing around" so why would it be. I also have high standards for myself, specifically, for how I should act and what decisions I should make regarding my life which dating a guy 8 years younger than me certainly does NOT fall into that. I also know that in 3 years I will be moving out of state and he knows this as well, I will be transferring to another office for work for a higher position (we don't work together). We talk on the phone for hours, and he is a special part of my life but I believe the early 20's to be very formative years in a persons life and I want him to gain life experiences in this time w/ people his own age, and I vocally support him in dating other people b/c I believe that's good for him and we remain friends. I think subconsciously in a few years when he is 25 (the age I feel people are full adults imo) and when I'm about to move out of state I wonder if he will ask to come with me. I'm worried I'll be faced with a very hard decision, one that would effect the rest of my life.
You can't keep waiting... time isn't.. just start doing the relationship and the experiences... you'll regret not using your sexual prime and peak attractiveness while you could
All due respect, considering your age, if you want children, you should stop putting things off. If this guy fits all the boxes, pursue it. Better to not live with regret. Also put yourself out there if this doesn’t work. I don’t see the benefit in wasting too much time overthinking at this stage of your life, you’re old enough to know what you want in a partner. This may have come across harsh but it really is an important window for you (if you want kids that is).
I really like your mentality; it has an incredibly calculated and methodical approach to dating most people don’t have or at least not to the extent that you do. I hope you get to experience all of life’s joy
Oh wow. Do not listen to that dude, you can freeze your eggs. It’s 8 years that’s still very fine. My sister is 30 and is dating a 24 year old. Some gen z adults are very smart, fun, and yes still have growing to do. But I hope you at 30 are still growing and bettering yourself.
@@pinkqueenscookie Yes! Certainly still growing as I have little to no dating/love/ sxe experience, I've put it off my whole life. He's emotionally intelligent, funny, sensitive, sentimental, unique, adorable, and kind of innocent (I guess b/c of his age), and we are very close friends which in life can I ask for more than spending years w/ a close friend that gives me love, support, humor, and stability? Maybe we will move together, or remain friends, whatever happens I'm glad he's in my life. And thank you for your kind words of encouragement It means a lot.
Hyphenated: Intimate-partner violence. I don't know why she uses the acronym instead of merely saying "violence", given that we are talking about marriage anyway and intimacy is to be expected and so should not have to be mentioned again.
I’ve always felt particular about age gaps. What other people do doesn’t really matter to me, I will have opinions on them but it doesn’t affect me. For myself, I’ve always had 2 factors: she should be within sibling range (I feel like being within normal sibling range makes your lives relatable) and similarly, I want her to have been born by the time I started puberty (which fits the sibling range, but narrows it down). So being that I don’t know when I started puberty, I just assume standard timeline. Essentially I want to be the older person, whether it’s a few months or years is less important. The biggest gap I wanted was roughly 8.5, mayyybe 9 years. (Always been single tho lol)
Intimate-partner violence. I don't know why she uses the acronym instead of merely saying "violence", given that we are talking about marriage anyway and intimacy is to be expected and so should not have to be mentioned again.
Your explanations are too reliant on internal validity of the science cited. Social sciences have the lowest internal of all the sciences due to language being the medium of inquiry; self-reporting relies on accurate memory and for the language to have the same subtext interpretation of the survey population sampled. Memory is shaky because how someone feels about an experience can be wildly different from how someone feels about the memory of an experience. Too few of the studies acknowledged anthropological influences. Societies where the individual matters more than the group (western culture) versus societies where the group matters more than the individual (eastern culture) is a confounding variable that negates many of your personal interpretations.
The socio economic circumstances of all these studies makes the information very circumstantial… and a lot less scientific. There needs to be a control for instances where the pressures that we experience within society when it comes to dating don't apply. How do people behave then? Like, basically what I'm hearing is that all of this is under the context of capitalism.
May I propose a rationale for the many contradictions in AGR satisfaction? Survey results are more likely to reflect the philosophy of the survey writer than the attitude of the survey taker. This is because of natural biases which occur within every human; thus tainting the experiment. Or, it's too easy to write a push survey
.. just before the conclusions- being or feeling 'trapped' is usually the issue, cause for childish behavior, outing out, depression etc. basically the data showed that the 'seven year itch' (approx) is a thing. These are evolved traits to me. In light of paleolithic cultures, around seven, a child can run real fast, hide well (instinctively), make a ton of noise or be very quiet -esp in the face of either strangeness, strangers or violence. Teaching the (slower or younger) kids these skills would be a 'roundabout' thing, especially linguistically, thus play and games. Lots of conversations skirting the points without exactly saying it, this would also have an effect on the consciousness of the primary child care giver -if that's a thing in that culture. Great survivability for at least some of the young, an evolved predilection, by virtue of those who survived. We carry or resonate these patterns into adulthood.
Awesome. Thank you for sharing this with us. Ana, you know what topic i find super cool the effect of hormones in relationships. For example, my partner recently found out he has low testosterone. I looked up how that affected relationships and found something quite interesting. That was pretty cool. It also mentioned things about men with high testosterone etc
"I really wish someone would do a meta-analysis of these studies." Well, if Ana ever wants to publish a scholarly article, this is exactly the kind of opportunity she should be looking for.
One of your conclusions: age-gap relationships appear to be exploitative (evidence by rates of IPV) where people under 25 are concerned. That’s a big call. Would you say that the data from which you draw that conclusion actually shows a statistically significant difference between relationships in which at least one partner is under 25 and other relationships? Would you say that that data set is large and diverse enough to even draw such a universal conclusion? I got the impression from the rest of the video that the answer to both those questions is, “No.”
Great stuff! But... it's not enough to just set evolutionary causes against cultural causes. We also need to dig into the origins of cultural forces as these could have an evolutionary root. I have a personal interest interest in older couples, say 50+. I would guess that age gaps matter less as both partners have more shared societal experiences and would have had more time to reach adequate levels of achievement and wealth.
I don't think the age gap is the problem in and of itself. I think the problem is when the difference in life stages and/or maturity is too big. And also, obviously if one of the people in the relationship were underage when they met, with some exceptions. 15 and 18 I would consider a HUGE and very inappropriate age gap, but let's say one is 55 and the other is 40, I wouldn't find it odd (depending on when they met and so on, so forth).
Overall, I do hold out hope that we are becoming less judgemental of others, whatever their choices are. But the narratives of what a ‘good’ relationship looks like are so hard-wired in Western society, it is unlikely that we will reach a place where people stop judging the lifestyle choices of others that go against these norms, including age-gap couples. Richard Gere 73 his partner is 40 - Di Caprio 48 his partner 19 - Johnny Depp 59 his former partner Amber 38 - Bruce Willis 68 Emma his wife 44 - Goerge Cloony 61 his partner Amal 44 and so on 🤔!!!
20:10: that is the research paper equivalent of mansplaining. Why did you break up with her Because we were less resilient to economic shocks, definitely not because she turned 36
Hi Ana, thank you for taking the time to correct your mistakes. It really shows you have a strong character and care for both your audience and combating misinformation. This really cemented your channel as my favorite psychology page
Conclusion: it depends on the couple and the circumstances. As everything else in life
well no, the conclusion was that in many aspects relationships with age gaps tend to turn out being worse for either one or both of the partners, depending on circumstances
IPV = Intimate partner violence
appreciated
Fucking thank you! I went back several times through the video looking for an explanation as to what IPV is supposed to stand for.
Hyphenate: Intimate-partner violence. I don't know why she uses the acronym instead of merely saying "violence", given that we are talking about marriage anyway and intimacy is to be expected and so should not have to be mentioned again.
it's on screen 1:35
Thank you
I see my age gap relationship as the one that actually worked for me. I didn't care about the age difference because we are adults who are both in the same place in life. We are really good friends. We can talk about anything. We look at work and household tasks as shared responsibility. There are healthy boundaries. Perhaps I am just lucky to have found this person who I love and he loves me back. I cannot say why it works for us, but it does.
Agree. I'm in age gap too
That's what she said
Dated ppl my age. Im 20 for context. They just never clicked with me because they didn’t quite know what they want or they made me uncomfortable on dates. The person I’m with now is 13 years older and has been the most respectful and loving partner I had. He also actually communicates when there is a problem which no one else has done.
Before someone goes “oh bad” I went for him first. I shot my shot and it worked. He never does anything without my consent and has been helping me mentally and financially. I’ve been less stressed with him because he encourages me to not be in everyone else’s issues and being held by him makes me feel safe.
As for life experience I own my house. I have about 4 yrs now of customer service and got 3 promotions within those four years. I’ve moved a lot growing up and pay my own bills and mortgage.
Education? Finished highschool early via GED cuz covid fucked my school over and everything ended up being optional
I see nothing wrong with age gaps as long as you can stand your ground
And yes, we both met as adults
I would like to share my own story with you and hopefully it helps someone else out there.
Having a support network is important as it should be in any relationship. I had one serious age gap relationship where she did not have a support network because she moved to be with me far from her hometown.
There was also other factors that I neglected to be cautious about, she was in a bad socio-economic situation, from a broken home, and had a long history of abuse and emotional trauma. But I had it in my head that I was the older mature responsible one so if I was “good to her” that I could “fix her” or “make it right” or something like that.
She became abusive pretty early, and because of our situation I felt trapped with her, I couldn’t get distance because I was responsible for her well being now. She physically abused me several times (sometimes for emotional sometimes for sexual reasons) and eventually decided she wasn’t attracted to me anymore either, and grew very distant. I did my best to be supportive, and occupied myself by taking care of the house almost exclusively by myself and studying for job certifications to advance my career while she was out with friends. Eventually I got the feeling she began cheating on me, and I was right and caught her in the lie, but but she continued to lie and emotionally manipulate me because she depended on me for her support and livelihood in lieu of family, and simply leaving me wasn’t an option. I tolerated so much because of reasons like feeling responsible and accountable for everything. I coped with the stress by resorting to marijuana.
I regret that after so much abuse towards me and continuing to catch her cheating, that I became neurotic and abusive as well, with serious trust issues, but I understand now that it’s not my nature and it was an extreme situation and that with proper boundaries, structure, and healthy expectations that a relationship can work but that I had really set myself up for disaster from the beginning.
I went through a lot of counselling and therapy and work on myself and self love. I’ve turned my entire life around in several profound ways since then over a considerable amount of time as well.
I would not seek out an age gap relationship again, in fact I don’t actively pursue dating at all, but I wouldn’t turn it down if someone who was emotionally stable, lived locally, has their own supportive family and circle of friends, was interested in me. And I would take it a lot slower also. I’ve converted to Christianity now and would prefer to wait for marriage and take a considerable amount of time getting to know the other person before committing and being stuck together like I was before. And in the future I would also substitute my coping mechanisms with fitness or further counselling/therapy, which I was afraid to admit that I needed in the past. I think I would turn that way first if I have serious stressful issues in a relationship that I can’t understand how to handle or what to do about.
No, it has to do with getting old.
I hope you're still happy in your relationship. I wish you the best. 💞
You are an effective communicator, and now you've confirmed what I already assumed, which is that you exercise the intellectual humility to accept feedback and share corrections when you feel it's appropriate. I'm not surprised, but you still deserve praise for doing such good work, and making it consistently interesting and useful. Thanks, Ana!
I'm a gay man, and when I was in college I preferred sexual partners who were significantly older than me (usually 30s to 40s). I found them to be a lot more safe and stable than other gay men my own age and although I usually didn't date them, I found them to be invaluable in experimenting with my sexuality and coming to accept myself as a gay man. Age gap relationships may have tend to skewed power dynamics, but it bothers me that so many people regard age gap relationships and sexual play as inherently wrong. I was not mature enough to be in a good partner in a relationship at that age, but I was old enough to consent and I don't regret the experiences I had. I've known plenty of gay men who have married older partners and are quite happy years after the fact. Age gaps in sex and dating can be a red flag, but they have to be evaluated on an individual basis and not automatically assumed to be abusive.
Thanks for sharing! I was rolling my eyes a bit at how heteronormative the literature on this topic is. When it comes to same-sex couples, the power dynamics are already so different from straight couples, so I think it would be worth looking at this from a same-sex lens too.
@@AnaPsychology I really appreciate the work that you do! Thanks for the educational content
Whole thing is subjective. Having a problem with age gap relationships that aren't or have never been illegal is ageist. It's just another form of prejudice.
From my own personal experience, it seems more common for gay people to have age gap relationships because it can be harder for us to find other young people who are out
@@madelinevlogs5898 that is definitely a contributing factor. It is also more normal for people from a wide range of ages to inhabit gay spaces. The gay bars I've been to had regular patrons from their 20s to their 50s.
I LOVE a person with the humility, integrity and maturity to be able to admit their faults, to correct them and grow! You are wise beyond your years!
Very big respect for you for calling yourself to account, making it right, and putting forth steps on how to do better.
You are awesome. Keep being awesome. I appreciate you.
Nigeria is very diverse. It has many different cultures, some people live in the modern western world and some live like it's still the stone age, are illiterate, and have nothing. Some are Muslim, some are Christian, and some are pagans. I feel like it should make a distinction.
Hi Ana, thanks for re-editing your video correcting the mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes and I'm sure you spread this information with good intentions, regards and good luck
This level of accountability and humility is exceptional, thank you Ana. I’ve gotten a lot of flack for my assertions about Age gap Relationships (retired mental health professional, with a PhD) and I am trying to gather the best research to make valid conclusions. I appreciate your help in doing so!
That was really professional! Thank you for being consistent and correcting your own mistakes. It really shows maturity and accountability. All the best!
This really raises my respect for my pops. He's 10 years older than my ma, and he's extremely composed and relaxed even if my mom is impatient and has a fiery temper, he cools things down instead of engaging her 😅
Yeah... I feel that it is mostly an issue when the younger person is very young becuase that where I here many of worse stories. I remember seeing a video going around a few months ago where a man said that he loves younger (early 20s) women because they are more malleable... this is the type of mindset I personally am most concerned about/interested in.
But I really wish there were more studies on this. I feel like I hear so many stories/experiences yet barely any studies exploring these things in detail.
Anyone who seeks younger people because they are more 'malleable' is pretty much admitting to future abuse. Those people are really disgusting
@@onnol917 co-sign this. If your youth is the primary thing they’re value they’re straight up admitting they want to use you and don’t give af about your needs no matter how much they claim to care about you
@@onnol917 Oh for sure, that guy was telling on himself.... But I feel not all, even most people who have this midset don't ever say it out loud and so clearly. It's usually something that is identified in retrospect.
@@JDStar1295 I agree! The cougar fad is so disgraceful.
Based on the example of my parents, I always thought age gap relationships were problematic and basically shouldn't be persued, as I assimilated them with misunderstandings based on just different worldviews (so not even talking about ipv). And then, boom, destiny's irony hit me, and I met a guy who's 15 years older than me, and with whom I connect like I've never had with any other man before. Obviously, I still think there are risks to age gaps relationships, especially if the younger partner has not had any other experience before (and it definitely would be concerning if they are underraged), since they lack then certain tools to form a judgement on the possible power dynamic. But my own experience showed me that such an asymetric power dynamic is not inevitable, and that individuals can sometimes just click in the most wonderful way, despite the age difference. At the end of the day, it depends on your personalities.
True me and my man we have 4 years age gap and I'm older than him
We are proper adults dw
Its not just "quite concerning" if theyre a minor, its absolutely wrong lol
@@kno9871 Not saying the contrary
this made me giggle lolll, destiny's irony really did hit you
Me and ex were 5 years apart (him being older) and omg it was the most depressing 2 years of my life. He was my boss and was sweet at first but became controlling, manipulative and abusive after a while. I miss my naïveté and simple life before him but now can appreciate the wisdom and discernment it taught me. Asé.
5 years isnt all that
@@viralmelon no it’s not but five years can be a big enough gap depending on where you are in life and what you want.
One thing that I think this study is missing is the key factor for all relationships: emotional age. Because your physical age does not always correspond to your emotional/mental age. In order for any relationship to work, they need to be emotionally on the same level so they can communicate on the same level. This is the only way any age gap relationship can work in the long run. If you have a relationship where one partner may be physically 35, but has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old, you’re gonna end up in a vicious toxic and/or codependent cycle that is hard to get out of.
Absolutely!!!! And age has nothing to do with wisdom! 🙌🏼
Girl treats her TH-cam videos like scientific papers.
I like.
My bf is 10 years older than me, (I'm 26) and we are together for 2.5 years and live together for 1.5 year. So far it's the best relationship I've had by far. We've also both been to therapy before we met for a few years, so I think we both grew more mature, trusting and patient, which probably helped as a lot in our relationships.
How’s that relationship going a year later?
I understand that you were with a 33-year-old when you were 23.
Age gaps can sometimes be concerning due to developmental differences. When there's a significant age difference, the younger person may be at a different life stage, making them more vulnerable to imbalance in the relationship. Someone who is 10 years older may have more life experience, which can create a power dynamic where the younger person is more easily influenced or controlled. This isn't to judge your relationship but to highlight a common concern based on psychological development and the potential for unequal dynamics.
It's great to hear that you're happy, and I genuinely hope everything works out for you. I’d be interested to hear your perspective when you're 33 and whether you would consider dating someone who is 23.
thanks so much for this video Anna! I gained a lot of insights based on the researches you've mentioned. I myself is in an age-gap relationship. And I've never been happier, confident and reciprocated way better.
I am in a 15 year age gap relationship. The only thing I'm worried about is my partner dying 15 years before me and then being alone.
this is exactly what these relationships would lead to
They should do a study on the link/relationship between "age gap" and "narcissism" and the self-centeredness of the older partner who may view their partner merely as their narcissistic extension or property.
Older men usually feel elevated by the youth of their partner which they view as an asset. I personally belive they're less satisfied after 8-10 years of marriage because the woman has become emotionally more mature and is now able to set better boundaries or is less susceptible to manipulation and exploitation.
They should also check the biases of the various studies that were conducted by men on this issue! That would explain the contradicting research results.
Great points
You got that right.
someones butthurt their ex left them for a younger partner XD
@@hotsiam3193 Incel much?
Good topic to re-review! I have been surprised how under-studied this has been given the interest.
Hey bro you are everywhere
Honestly I think the problematic elements of age gaps has more a symptom of cultural indoctrinations that inform behavior rather than being a problem in and of themselves. Which is to say, I agree with you that it is more an intriguing rational value's issue, among other factors in that vein.
I applaud your ownership of responsibility with providing, acknowledging, and correcting the statements which you make. Keep up the great work!!! Thank you for the sharing of knowledge! 🙌🏻🙂
My childhood friend met a guy online when she was 18 and he was 23. Kinda crazy thinking of myself, now 23, starting a relationship with an 18yo. But it worked for them. They're getting married soon. Both lovely people.
Yes five years is significant when you're 18. But after that, it's nothing.
That's a Normal and healthy age gap, unlike *40 and 18*
Independently from the content (which I am still listening to), you taking responsibility of an apparent error is a great thing in my eyes. Congrats and my respects.
Candidate, student and now intern! You've come a long way
I'm soon to be 24 and I have been in a committed relationship with my much older boyfriend since I was 21. He is 23 years older. Age gap relationships is something I was apprehensive about before him and thought it was kind of weird so I was definitely not looking for someone that much older. Neither did he date someone as young as I was, the youngest he had recently gone out with before me was 29 and he thought she was too young as they had nothing in common. His last partner was only a couple years younger. So we was not the kind of man that went after younger women for the sake of it. However when we started spending time together it just felt so natural and we had so much fun doing the most basic things, like hiking and working out. Neither one was planning or hoping on falling in love but it just naturally happened we both found each other attractive. Would I encourage someone to actively search for an age gap relationship? Never. My friends were all concerned for me when I told them about my relationship, and rightfully so because all of the reasons you pointed out. In most cases, an age gap relationship is the result of a predatory and manipulative man who wants a malleable and young girlfriend because he thinks a woman's value is connected to her age. However age gap relationships can work, in my opinion healthy age gap relationships are a minority but they exist. Love is apolitical and does not follow rules and logic. I can't do anything about the fact that I love him. Btw he treats me really well, better than my parents and cares for my wellbeing and pushes me to be a better person. He has significantly raised my standards I'd have on my next partner if we were to break up.
I also want to point out that I am aware that this situation could have ended badly had his motives been like those that I described. I was after all inexperienced and young. A situation like ours could have been easily manipulative had he been a man like I described and that's why I consider myself lucky. I went into this relationship a little naive and there are things I would have done differently if I could turn back time. Buy it is what it is, I acted in the best and smartest way I could back then because that was the best I knew, I was very careful and thought about everything very deeply. I'm retrospect I should have spent more time with him talking about important issues and life plans and such. Here is also where I consider myself lucky because even though be didn't talk much about those things until the first year or later, we discovered that we agreed on many things and had similar life goals. I think this relationship is like the minority of minorities and I would never encourage people to seek an age gap relationship just because of the age gap. If it happens, it happens - I'll support anyone if the relationship is healthy and both parties are happy and positively influenced
@@santaana4493 thanks for sharing.
But do you think there can be a good thing in age gap?
Because when you have that gap, you wouldn't tolerate things that you were tolerating if it was your pear?
You sceptical towards older mate and it might be good for you to truly evaluate his/her behaviour towards you for what it is. Pretty sure being Machiavellian manipulative is not age-related.
Some of these studies are kinda silly bc it’s a whole lot of assumptions. “These people are happier” “Closer age is happier” “interracial couples are happier”
You don’t know how happy anyone is unless you are in their household. Some people stay together for yearsss and they hate each other. Idk I just felt like making this point lol
IPV can depend on various factors, the couple's individual coping mechanisms, the socio economic statuses, history of substance use, having history of IPV , etc.
The studies from "emerging markets" should not be used. These are from more old school traditional societies where domestic violence to some degree might even be somewhat tolerated and the norm. Most of your viewers are likely from westernized countries so from the perspective of providing value to your users, only data from the western world should be used. My two cents from someone that used to work in a field that used a lot of data, statistics and sampling.
It would be interesting to see a study around attachment theory and age gaps.
Ana, thank you for being so forthright and honest about your mistake. I'm quite sure that most of us will easily overlook this little mishap. In fact, I'm equally sure that, if anything, people will respect you even more *because* you are willing to admit to a mistake and to take obvious pains to correct it. Kudos to you; keep up the great work! I see very lucky clients for you in the future :D
It is very admirable that you acknowledged what you believe to be a mistake in your interpretation of the Nigerian study and took steps to correct that perceived mistake. As for the studies themselves, as you pointed out, there does not seem to be any consensus in the conclusions. Since each study looked at different aspects and variables in relationships, it is difficult to apply the results to any given relationship. The dynamics in one relationship may be completely different than another with similar age-gaps and therefore negate the findings and conclusions of a given study. Of course, this is just my own opinion. I hope you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving.
A study from Kenya. Right. Newsflash: Not all cultures are the same or equal.
at the end of the day it's not about the age, it's all about how you built fundamental of relationship at the very beginning, my gf is 25 y.o, and im 20 right now, it's been a month,
we are in first date when i said to her, one thing we have to know, it's not gonna be easy but what we can do is we fight for this relationship together forever, trust, understanding, compromise is something we can do together, i need your help to build this relationship because i can't do it on my own without you, we have to work together for this relationship.
Leaving aside the error you corrected in this video, I think videos like this should be considered the gold standard for science communication: You break down the general question into very relevant subquestions that makes it easier to answer the broader question overall; cite and explain the relevant papers; are clear about what we know from the research, what we don't know and where there's uncertainty; and, finally, you're clear when you're making your own interpretation of the findings. Thank you for the great content!
personally I don't think older men would be doing less IPV, since I don't believe that this can change with age. In my opinion (and experience), if someone's violent, unless he does severe therapy, he'll always be violent.
I've got a 26y age agp with my gf and we've been dating for almost 3 years, plan on getting married and never been happier!
Same here. 30y age gap. It's all about emotional maturity. She's too smart for her age and I'm too smart to break up this relationship because of age gap taboos.
@@esdet105 that's great!
Thank you for this upload, interesting as usual, I was so happy to see it pop up! - need to have a look at your others as just realised I haven't watched one of your uploads in a while actually. Thank you again, Hope your Well and please be careful with over working on TH-cam and burning out can happen without noticing, so I agree defiantly pace yourself and your content for a healthy balance. :-)
U deserve a like and all the respect. Not everyone on the internet is welling to accept a mistake has been made.👍
This is interesting. But I bet there are people who will dismiss your video as lame or victimising because it’s against US values, and the US isn’t mentioned when providing your evidence.
So proud of how much you’ve grown!
Big problem to start with is how is the word power defined? There is a big difference between having physical coercive power over someone and psychological power. Also, what political system are there people living in, do they have recourse with the political system if they are being coerced?
Was in an age gap relationship (I'm 25 my situationship partner was 31). Wasn't much of an issue. I was the younger man in the relationship. But I've had a lot of life experiences so I find myself drifting towards older people or towards more mature people
25 and 31 is not really considered an age gap relationship that’s only a 6 year difference and considered appropriate and in the same decade and same generation. Age gap relationship is more the considerably “Inappropriate” is usually more 10-20+ years
finally someone I can relate to
I didn’t date until 2nd half of college. He was 4 years older and a master in social situations. I was bad at socializing so I found him fascinating. Later I always dated younger guys because I am highly independent. Cognitively I am more logical and analytical than emotional. The guys who tend to like me a lot are more feeling driven. In the beginning it seemed complimentary but the discontent would rise after honeymoon period. I felt trapped and guys felt diminished. Menopause saved me from ever wanting to date. I am retired and very happy being solo.
At least you are willing to take down the video, take accountability, and correct the information. Madisyn has a video titled “the BBL epidemic” where she body shames & name calls other girls and says rude things , she kept the video up because it has a lot of views and turned off the comments once people started calling her out. I unfollowed her after that because it was clear she wasn’t as spiritual, kind, or secure in herself as she claims 🤷🏻♀️
Edit: I love your videos Ana just found it ironic lolol
It will be interesting to see if Madison acknowledges the new studies brought to light in this video.
In this world every person is just enough different to make a difference regardless of age, if you seek to find a compatible mate you will have to do your do diligence in veting the person your intrested in.
I've always had partners 25 to 30 years older!! From my school teachers to professors
This was very interesting. I'm a 23 year old woman whose first age gap relationship (8 years, he was 29 and I was 21 when we started dating) was actually the healthiest relationship I had ever been in and was incredibly healing for me after some of the shit I had gone through with younger men who were emotionally immature and either depended on me way too much or couldnt commit to anything serious. We broke up mutually because we just realised we wanted different things in life and were in very different stages in terms of readiness to get married and have kids. I've been single for about a year now but have recently started seeing another older guy (30) who I actually have been friends with for years - we lived together for 6 months when I was 19 - and only now are starting to realise how much we have in common and how much we click on so many things. But I've been living independently in a different country to my parents from age 18 and have had to support myself financially and emotionally (lord knows i've had lots of therapy) for a very long time. I definitely think if I had less life experience and less independence I would be vulnerable to exploitation but I feel very secure in my ability to look after myself first and with this new guy we really feel like we are on the same page about a lot of things and share a lot of the same (anti-capitalist) values etc. For me the older men that I have let into my life have been a breath of fresh air in terms of emotional maturity and the ability for each of us to lead independent lives while still being incredibly fond of each other. But I definitely can see how that often isn't the case and wouldn't go around saying that age gap relationships don't come inherently with any risks.
Do you find that people or the society around you often tries to convince you that you were exploited in retrospect?
@@Zimx02 Surprisingly no, but I think that's just because my parents and friends could see that I maintained independence and knew what I was doing. The age gap was the only so-called 'red flag' and so it was pretty clear at least to those around me that I was fine. But it definitely was something I worried about and i always felt like I had to be ready to defend it just because of the generalised social stigma.
>anti capitalist
Cringe.
That's a normal age gap, especially in comparison to all these other age gaps that are like *20 or 30 year age gaps*
"We need to e mindful of those who continuously target those under the age of 25 especially if they are more powerful" ahem...DiCaprio.
I just looked up "what is IPV" because I had no idea what you were talking about. So many TLA's! Intimate Partner Relationships. OK. Got it. EDIT: I see where my problem lies. I was listening while doing something else, thus unable to see what you had posted on the video. My mistake. Thanks for covering such an interesting and important topic.
My last relationship was with someone much younger than me, and people were worried in the other direction. She was in a much higher paying job than me (in that she had one), had a driver's license, had waaaay more relationship/sexual experience than me etc. idk, didn't last but not because of any age things.
why didn't it last if you don't mind sharing?
The explanation she gave was that she didn't really see me in her future. Beyond that, I was probably the lowest on the totem of relationships. She had three other partners with whom time was more prioritised and honours was ramping up and being quite stressful. As far as break ups go, not the worst.
May i ask what was the age difference?
Erm, I think it was 20 and 33 at the time@@Animeslaya
It is certainly interesting to talk about relative rates of things like IPV, but a full context should also include the absolute rates, as well.
Inappreciate the corrections a lot.
I think my previous comment was something I have commented in many places on the internet, that is, age difference is one factor of many, that can cause a power imbalance in a couple. I think I said that you can still be taken advantsge of by a younger person simply by them being higher up in the hierarchy at a workplace. I just think people think age is the only factor and are overly specific about it at times, that other factors, like a general power imbalance, are overlooked.
And I think this is worth paying attention to.
The other thing is, that I believe that this hookup culture will be a problem that will become a smaller one over time, because it to me represents the remaining attempt of men trying to hold on to some type of power. But we are the women that educate the next generation of women, and the men of the next generation are a lot more critical of these old gender stereotypes. Assholes will always exist, but I believe that we will see that to a lesser degree, and spread across the genders more.
The last paragraph is such an optimistic view on the situation. I hope you right
I'm a little curious about developmental disorders considering age-gap. Like ADHD resulting in behaviours (and a brain) more like younger people
Slower brain development… I should have waited until I was in my early 20s, I was too young at 18 😅
Awesome video, thank you very much for your work !
You are a snow flake! People in your age group ( or any group any more ) rarely take accountability for there mistakes.
Come back and not only correcting but going into it and make it clear, I give you mad props for it. You are going to be a great asset in your field.
Oh u meant snow flake and in shes rare💀 I thought u meant-
For a second I was like 👀 but reading more I was shifted to 🥰
@@sanaa.3216 Only "snow flake"s use it that way
Using snowflake to mean "unique" in a positive way instead of to mean "overly sensitive" means you're not locked in today's culture wars and have a life. Keep it up lol!
@@sanaa.3216 This confused me. "Snowflake" is an insult now, but I didn't realize that it used to have a positive connotation
Thank you, you’re great 💛 making mistakes is human and it just encourages us to do our own research and develop our own experiences
After ending 2 age gap relationships as a woman who’s 24 (both with men who earned a lot of money) the truth is men will still be men regardless of age. And men are primarily users. They’ll only consider what they need out of the relationship first and just will throw whatever they can at you and just hope something sticks so they can pinpoint what you need at this point too. I think the dynamic works perfectly if you simply want your partner to be a beneficiary but I think as I’m getting older and more senior in career the idea of having a lifelong male partner is getting bleaker. There’s way too much misogyny in the air
Unfortunately this appies to both sexes. In today's world people are more egocentric. Thats why the 'use or be used' mentally is so prevalent, it creates more difficulty for authentic, respectful and honest relationships evert day.
Thank you for being egalitarian but give credit where its due and men are historically and current more of a perpetrator and user than women will ever be in ever category.
Hmm I've Never sensed this from my partner
It seems like they just wanna love me unconditionally, spoil me (I've saw this with 2 year older than me and 4 years younger than me and we all are in our 20s)
And both guys earn really really well
I just sensed that they want a lifelong partner
They wish to keep me safe and a lifelong wifey with all the wife benefits
The sex only comes in picture when I'm physically comfortable
well there are some genuine guys out there but u either havent met them or havent considered them. you cant just say "half the entire human population is like this"
@@greenleaves8980 that's hilarious
Gracias por lo detallista que eres. Gracias por la rigurosidad, transparencia, que dás al informar :D. A mi me encanta mucho eso, y se valora que seas tan dedicada! Saludos de Perú
interesting topic, thanks for the deep dive!
I think it’s pretty simple in a rule of thumb kind of way. 12-14 isn’t too weird but 12-16 is. 15-18 is kinda weird but 18-21 is completely normal. 25-35 kind of strange, 65-75 completely normal.
I think variation is much more dependent on how old you both are. A 28 year old who only seeks under 20 y.o is weird imo, but totally legal ._.
25-35 doesn't really seems strange, in my opinion.
@@bubbahubbapop 2/10 strangeness
The love of my life is 30 years younger than me and we have the greatest possible relationship. She looks up to me and I teach her things and we’re so happy together.
Also she’s literally my daughter, don’t be weirdos.
Bro was 30 when they were born ☠️☠️🤣
Bro is 3 generations older than them ☠️☠️🤣
the difference is that adolescents are not even legally allowed to be with older partners. Them suffering from IPV does not mean that in a relationship between to adult, consentous people with an age gap cannot be healthy, talking about maybe 30 and 48 year-olds.
Thankyou for a well researched video🙏🏿
This is top-of-the-line. I had the pleasure of reading something similar, and it was top-of-the-line. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
I think a lot about all the young, pretty women that become famous and almost instantly start dating older guys (Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, Billie Eilish now...). It's not a coincidence. There is a system in place that makes it easier for them to be groomed instantly by someone much older. It's like they are fresh meat in a sea full of sharks. There are so many famous older dudes that only date bare legal women and it's so disgusting ):
@hey hey yeah because 18-22 and 19-32 is exactly the same thing. 18-22 is not even considered an age gap relationship. Are numbers too difficult for you to comprehend? They're hard for some people, I know.
@hey hey didn't you just say they magically started dating when he turned 18? 🥴
@hey hey even if I choose to believe your speculation, 17-22 is not ideal but Taylor was under 25 herself (fully grown adult according to neuroscience). 22 is pretty young. That's TOTALLY different than a 29 year old dating a 17 year old (demi), a 32 year old dating a 19 year old (taylor and john mayer), Billie Eilish dating a 32 year old who met her when she was 15... They were all fully grown adults chasing very young women. But you don't care. You just want to contradict and say ItS thE SamE fOr BoTh GeNdeRS, PoOr Men ):. I don't know why I'm wasting my time with you, honestly. And I know there are creepy fully grown women out there who date teenagers, and they're wrong, but it's not as common as the other way around, and the older women get demonized by everyone while the older dudes are seen as heroes.
I think they can do that because they have the fame to back it up. In my opinion if they werent famous and rich, .... they wouldnt be able to get a young model in her twenties.
"so many famous older dudes" Those famous older dudes make up like 0.0001% of the population.
Who cares, this does not reflect or affect society as a whole
I'm a 30f and one of my best friends is 22m. We talk multiple times a day and it's been like this for 7 months. We've known each other for a year but didn't become close friends until months into knowing each other. I've never had a guy friend as close or as emotionally intimate as him. I love him (I love all my friends) but until I have xxx I won't be actually in love w/ him (even tho sometimes it feels like it), right now I am simply attached to having him in my life. He also knows I am not dating rn and I don't do hookups.
I also have never had a serious relationship and have little to no sXXual experience (I was basically a nun in my 20's... and still now lol), he has had plenty of both. This sounds a little extreme but I always wanted to have my own house and own career and have everything in my life fairly "perfect" and then thought dating would come AFTER I had established these important life goals. Because anything before that would just make me feel like I didn't know what I was doing or know how it would impact my future goals which I felt were crucial to my survival and mental well being, and I also wanted to be in love and date the person for a year before getting physical but it's a big and long commitment so I opted not to even bother b/c nowadays who does that or would want to do that? Having a family is also no where near on my mind like it is for others my age, but then again I haven't been even "messing around" so why would it be. I also have high standards for myself, specifically, for how I should act and what decisions I should make regarding my life which dating a guy 8 years younger than me certainly does NOT fall into that.
I also know that in 3 years I will be moving out of state and he knows this as well, I will be transferring to another office for work for a higher position (we don't work together).
We talk on the phone for hours, and he is a special part of my life but I believe the early 20's to be very formative years in a persons life and I want him to gain life experiences in this time w/ people his own age, and I vocally support him in dating other people b/c I believe that's good for him and we remain friends.
I think subconsciously in a few years when he is 25 (the age I feel people are full adults imo) and when I'm about to move out of state I wonder if he will ask to come with me. I'm worried I'll be faced with a very hard decision, one that would effect the rest of my life.
You can't keep waiting... time isn't.. just start doing the relationship and the experiences... you'll regret not using your sexual prime and peak attractiveness while you could
All due respect, considering your age, if you want children, you should stop putting things off.
If this guy fits all the boxes, pursue it. Better to not live with regret. Also put yourself out there if this doesn’t work.
I don’t see the benefit in wasting too much time overthinking at this stage of your life, you’re old enough to know what you want in a partner.
This may have come across harsh but it really is an important window for you (if you want kids that is).
I really like your mentality; it has an incredibly calculated and methodical approach to dating most people don’t have or at least not to the extent that you do. I hope you get to experience all of life’s joy
Oh wow. Do not listen to that dude, you can freeze your eggs. It’s 8 years that’s still very fine. My sister is 30 and is dating a 24 year old. Some gen z adults are very smart, fun, and yes still have growing to do. But I hope you at 30 are still growing and bettering yourself.
@@pinkqueenscookie Yes! Certainly still growing as I have little to no dating/love/ sxe experience, I've put it off my whole life. He's emotionally intelligent, funny, sensitive, sentimental, unique, adorable, and kind of innocent (I guess b/c of his age), and we are very close friends which in life can I ask for more than spending years w/ a close friend that gives me love, support, humor, and stability?
Maybe we will move together, or remain friends, whatever happens I'm glad he's in my life. And thank you for your kind words of encouragement It means a lot.
I think it would be helpful to define what IPV means for those who do not recall from the first video
It’s intimate partner violence
Hyphenated: Intimate-partner violence. I don't know why she uses the acronym instead of merely saying "violence", given that we are talking about marriage anyway and intimacy is to be expected and so should not have to be mentioned again.
she did 1:35
I’ve always felt particular about age gaps. What other people do doesn’t really matter to me, I will have opinions on them but it doesn’t affect me. For myself, I’ve always had 2 factors: she should be within sibling range (I feel like being within normal sibling range makes your lives relatable) and similarly, I want her to have been born by the time I started puberty (which fits the sibling range, but narrows it down). So being that I don’t know when I started puberty, I just assume standard timeline. Essentially I want to be the older person, whether it’s a few months or years is less important. The biggest gap I wanted was roughly 8.5, mayyybe 9 years. (Always been single tho lol)
13:38 I like this study bc obviously attraction. But also wanting to be financially stable as well.
What is IPV? You should explain it before using an abbreviation.
Intimate-partner violence. I don't know why she uses the acronym instead of merely saying "violence", given that we are talking about marriage anyway and intimacy is to be expected and so should not have to be mentioned again.
Thanks for this video Ana 💕
Your explanations are too reliant on internal validity of the science cited. Social sciences have the lowest internal of all the sciences due to language being the medium of inquiry; self-reporting relies on accurate memory and for the language to have the same subtext interpretation of the survey population sampled. Memory is shaky because how someone feels about an experience can be wildly different from how someone feels about the memory of an experience.
Too few of the studies acknowledged anthropological influences. Societies where the individual matters more than the group (western culture) versus societies where the group matters more than the individual (eastern culture) is a confounding variable that negates many of your personal interpretations.
Lmao
The socio economic circumstances of all these studies makes the information very circumstantial… and a lot less scientific. There needs to be a control for instances where the pressures that we experience within society when it comes to dating don't apply. How do people behave then? Like, basically what I'm hearing is that all of this is under the context of capitalism.
May I propose a rationale for the many contradictions in AGR satisfaction?
Survey results are more likely to reflect the philosophy of the survey writer than the attitude of the survey taker. This is because of natural biases which occur within every human; thus tainting the experiment.
Or, it's too easy to write a push survey
There is that “ok cupid” dataset showing a somewhat different result.
Its not a clinical study but has a lot of datapoints
But i could be wrong
.. just before the conclusions- being or feeling 'trapped' is usually the issue, cause for childish behavior, outing out, depression etc. basically the data showed that the 'seven year itch' (approx) is a thing. These are evolved traits to me. In light of paleolithic cultures, around seven, a child can run real fast, hide well (instinctively), make a ton of noise or be very quiet -esp in the face of either strangeness, strangers or violence. Teaching the (slower or younger) kids these skills would be a 'roundabout' thing, especially linguistically, thus play and games. Lots of conversations skirting the points without exactly saying it, this would also have an effect on the consciousness of the primary child care giver -if that's a thing in that culture. Great survivability for at least some of the young, an evolved predilection, by virtue of those who survived. We carry or resonate these patterns into adulthood.
Cultural development and origin definitely need to be factored in also.
IpV please make the definition last longer
Awesome. Thank you for sharing this with us. Ana, you know what topic i find super cool the effect of hormones in relationships. For example, my partner recently found out he has low testosterone. I looked up how that affected relationships and found something quite interesting. That was pretty cool. It also mentioned things about men with high testosterone etc
"I really wish someone would do a meta-analysis of these studies." Well, if Ana ever wants to publish a scholarly article, this is exactly the kind of opportunity she should be looking for.
Has no place unless just playing ❤
Your whole video could be summed up by saying it depends.
One of your conclusions: age-gap relationships appear to be exploitative (evidence by rates of IPV) where people under 25 are concerned. That’s a big call. Would you say that the data from which you draw that conclusion actually shows a statistically significant difference between relationships in which at least one partner is under 25 and other relationships? Would you say that that data set is large and diverse enough to even draw such a universal conclusion? I got the impression from the rest of the video that the answer to both those questions is, “No.”
IPV? What is it? Did you say at the beginning or was I just not concentrating while I multitasked?
I believe IPV stands for intimate partner violence.
^^ correct. Intimate Partner Violence
Great stuff! But... it's not enough to just set evolutionary causes against cultural causes. We also need to dig into the origins of cultural forces as these could have an evolutionary root. I have a personal interest interest in older couples, say 50+. I would guess that age gaps matter less as both partners have more shared societal experiences and would have had more time to reach adequate levels of achievement and wealth.
Knowing what works is on;y 1/2 of the equation. Most teachers i came across even don't practice what they preach
Great Research also that's awesome ya Grandparents were married for 63. Years. ++ I'm very much looking forward to ya deep dive videos.
"Daddy issues"? What is an example of one of those? How many can one have?
I don't think the age gap is the problem in and of itself. I think the problem is when the difference in life stages and/or maturity is too big. And also, obviously if one of the people in the relationship were underage when they met, with some exceptions.
15 and 18 I would consider a HUGE and very inappropriate age gap, but let's say one is 55 and the other is 40, I wouldn't find it odd (depending on when they met and so on, so forth).
"it depends" but is usually a creepy immature guy who nobody his age wants wasting the youth of someone who deserves better
I'm an older Anxiously attached male with a Dismissive male thats much younger than me. We have our challenges but I try
I think these studies refer to straight couples only.
Overall, I do hold out hope that we are becoming less judgemental of others, whatever their choices are. But the narratives of what a ‘good’ relationship looks like are so hard-wired in Western society, it is unlikely that we will reach a place where people stop judging the lifestyle choices of others that go against these norms, including age-gap couples. Richard Gere 73 his partner is 40 - Di Caprio 48 his partner 19 - Johnny Depp 59 his former partner Amber 38 - Bruce Willis 68 Emma his wife 44 - Goerge Cloony 61 his partner Amal 44 and so on 🤔!!!
20:10: that is the research paper equivalent of mansplaining.
Why did you break up with her
Because we were less resilient to economic shocks, definitely not because she turned 36
"symbolic male dominance but pragmatic egalitarianism" sounds like a kink 😂
Having a listening party in the car😊