Real important point in your opening. Abusive people aren't abusive all the time. Sometimes, they're not so abusive. Sometimes, they're good. But they're still abusive. Murderers aren't murderers all the time. A murderer might spend 0.0001% of his life actually committing murder. Still a murderer. Protect yourselves, people
excellent point. It's bizarre how people tend to only considered what they themselves have seen . "Oh they seem like a really nice person." it's like what they've heard about this person, let's say, doesn't match up with their interaction so they want to dismiss it or not believe it or take it into consideration.
True! Let's remember Ted Bundy.. He posed in perfect husband, father, good role-model... while he was committing the most hideous crimes in the dark.. Toxic people are, by rule, always very deceptive, apparently very charming
This book saved my life. After reading it in secret I left my abusive husband. I didn’t know I was being abused because he was vulnerable and hurt. It confused me but this book spelled out how the sensitive type can be abusive.
Years ago I read a book by a psychologist or psychiatrist, don’t remember the name or title, where he said (paraphrasing) “some people are just mean, they’re not suffering from trauma, they’e mean and they like it”.
That's not true. People who are abusive have either witnessed or undergone abuse at some point in their life. They don't just come up with the stuff on their own. If they do, that's because they've been put in the situation where they were not able to feel joy in any other way. It's very rare that a psychopath is going to become violent or sadistic without going through it themselves. There are lots of successful psychopaths running businesses and otherwise successful lives without being abusive towards people. Psychopathy would be what you're talking about because that's a condition that somebody is born with as opposed to sociopathy, which is a combination of head trauma and environment.
@@Pugetwitchyou’re wrong actually. Abusers come from all backgrounds, trauma or no trauma, and can literally be anyone. You evidently have not read the book. It doesn’t take a psychopath or mentally ill person to be an abuser, it just takes a sense of superiority and entitlement over another.
I've grown up around abusers and saw them flip between these types depending on circumstances. It is amazing how regardless of the situation, their default is abuse.
That was ve😢much my experience my ex-husband wore all these hats, each one so manipulative in it' specific way. His mother used to te him he should be a preacher lo r politician bc of his ability to manipulate everyone. Highly intelligent but lacking in any self awareness. Tnx Anna. I blame his mom she thought he could do no wrong.
The water torturer is too real for me. DARVO is massive for this one too. When you finally snap at the "small" put downs and disrespect and stand your ground and don't let them retreat and play the victim, sometimes physical violence can break out.
The incels would get a hold of it and then there would be issues. They have loads of big but hidden online communities where they specifically share info to hurt women
The book actually has an entire chapter dedicated to how to safely leave an abuser, and as they covered there, there's no perfectly safe way to leave one.
This is true, but I mean when they drop the act that they don't know and just straight out abuse you because they enjoy it or feel you deserve to be punished for your infractions. When it becomes obviously sadistic.
My ex must have woke up every morning wondering which one of these guys he wanted to be that day. He resembles all of them at different times except the sensitive guy... he could never pull that one off because of his intellectual aggression and misogyny. He hates "psychobabble" with a great passion.
Same but opposite, he lacked direct "drill sargeant" control, he was the grima wormtongue or slow poisoner type, an insidious drip to control over time with every kind of manipulation imaginable. He told me so casually one time that 'of course he thought about killing me'. I knew I had to get out
This book should be read in health class for young women. Imagine we got this book in front of 15 year olds? It could save them so much heartache. Arm them with the knowledge
Imagine if we got it in front of 15-year old boys who are still human enough to be revolted by this behavior but mature enough to resolve to never, ever be that guy. This, plus some positive male role models, could make a difference in every household they participate in.
That’s called: PARENTING. You learn healthy behaviors at home, from your married mom and dad. School is for reading, writing, and arithmetic. You should also be raised in a church community so you’ll see healthy examples of marriage and parenting in that community as well.
Hey, Luis, it's me, your dad!!!! Watch yo mouff foo! Don't be lyin on me like that. By the way, me n Ana bout to run away w each other n make babies. She about to be yo step momz boi!
I’ve come across so many mr sensitives when using dating apps omg. It’s insane how these guys mask themselves as the good ones but are actually really toxic
My malignant narcissist estranged husband embodied every one of these signs. He literally tried to kill me last year. He’s currently hiding from police.
This book saved my life as I headed into my divorce 10 years ago. Every year I buy copies, inscribe a personsl message, and give them to young girls of dating age (with a parent's ok) and women caught in an abusive relationship. For some it helped their mothers, too.
That may sound catchy, but it’s not always true. I’m an alcoholic but I am over three years sober. When I was drinking and was verbally and physically abused, I would sometimes say what I need to say to be safe, hold my ground, and get the hell out. One red flag is one too many. Live your life, but live safe too……..I’m lucky to be here. If it’s abusive, get out, and bring your kids.
@@Mandrake591 Agree. I put myself in really dangerous situations and got emotionally out of control on alcohol. That is not what I secretly wanted.. so the idea that drunk people just do what they secretly want to is not accurate. I did not like many of the people I spent nights talking to. I agree that substances dont make abusers, but drunken words are not sober thoughts
I LOVE Lundy Bancroft and I have purchased several copies to hand out to people who I think would benefit from it. Once I met a woman whose husband was incredibly verbally abusive and when she turned down my offer of the book, I left it in her house. Later, I ran into her in the grocery store and she thanked me for it. She said she realized that abuse doesn't always have to be physical. I'm so happy to find someone who is talking about it.
How does one find solace, and accept that they will never get an apology from someone who deeply hurt you? I'm struggling so much with "forgiving" a person who doesn't think they've done anything wrong, who is stubborn and proud. It hurts me, I think about it all the time. I don't want to be resentful, angry and sad about it anymore.
If he's stubborn and proud he's deaf to your suffering. I hope you can turn away from him & firmly close that door forever, you deserve to be nurtured. 🌷🧡🌱
This has happened to me plenty of times before and for me it helps to remind myself that I can't control what other people do or say. Even if they did apologize sincerely, it would never undo the damage they have done to me. I focused more on healing myself from that experience (which, of course, takes time) than focusing on how that person did me wrong. It's not always that simple and you will most likely ruminate on the pain they caused, but it is possible to heal. Talking with a trusted therapist about this is also a good idea so you don't feel like you're going through it all alone
You don’t have to forgive someone to move on and heal. Healing is dependent on you and only you. An apology will never truly erase what’s happened to you or ever give you closure. Regardless, people like that are not capable of ever truly apologizing and we have to know that there nothing we can do about it and continue to live our lives
Not everyone's brain is wired the same as yours, and you have to accept that. Just because you feel you deserve an apology, does not mean anyone else feels the same way.
Sometimes the only way to forgive is from a distance where the person cannot hurt you anymore. Even saints have trouble constantly forgiving someone who continues to harm and disregard you. The abuse must stop before most are even capable of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require you to allow abuse again. Its not permission. Once you are away from this person, then you can begin forgiveness by understanding that this person is spiritually sick and incapable of behaving like he should. With his attitude you can guarantee he is miserable deep down inside, and no one can help him except God. Give him to God and let Him take care of justice and saving him, and in time you will find your heart free of the resentment. Remember, you can forgive without allowing that person further access to your life. Forgive, but do not forget. Forgiveness is not pretending it did not happen, its forgoing the desire for revenge because you come to understand the person who harmed you is imperfect and suffers like we all do. If God were to leave it up to you on judgement day, you would show mercy. That's true forgiveness, not forgetting or allowing more abuse.
Nice sometimes? No. Even when they are being "nice" it's part of the end game; a way to manipulate. Anytime my ex was being nice, I wondered what he was up to, what he wanted and sure enough ...
I was abused my whole life . I was also abused by my friends and partners. I'll be honest I have abusive tendencies myself from the distrust and paranoia I have. I am a abuser. I have done some really nasty things in response to being abused and dealing with people I no longer trust/betrayal. no excuse for it. You make choices everyday and you can choose not to be like that .....its a choice
Thanks for sharing. What worries me about the video are these two things: 1) marginalization of personality disorder - makes it sound like basically "any partner falls into one of these 10 categories" 2) I consider it a form of objectification and dehumanization to discuss people with abusive behaviors as "finished products", assuming that they are fully formed, fully aware of their actions and incapable of any more personal growth. The second point is why I consider it crucial to not gloss over what constitutes a personality disorder, and how to manage tendencies. I perceive a fair bit of what was said in the video as a "search and destroy" mode. The video also fails to consider whether said person with abusive tendencies / habits is really self-aware and has the ambition to change.
I feel you. It's hard for me too to not let all the bad in my past harden me and I have been the abuser at times, much to my horror and regret. But because we see those tendencies we can change our behavior, try not to be too hard on yourself just do better. That's what I tell myself.
Honestly everyone has a dark side. Everyone goes through some kind of darkness . its apart of all of us . turning to Jesus Christ is just telling yourself that you've accepted yourself and you will make better decisions . nobody is perfect. It doesn't exist
People with dark triad traits are often good at making people who don't have dark triad traits feel like they're mentally stunted or imbecile for not having dark triad traits, a bit like not having them is a sign that you're too dumb to understand Darwinian evolution and thus need to be taken advantage of or, at a minimum, regularly belittled or condescended to. I've been enjoying Sam Vaknin's unpack of these topics, particularly the insight of experience he's able to offer.
Funny you say that cause I've been bordeline feeling like something was wrong with me for NOT having dark triad traits, due to how easy it was to be belittled for being a sensitive person, and how apparently it puts me in a weaker cathegory that is basically destined to be walked over, or at least that's how it feels. Does Sam Vaknin talk about this specifically? Is it in his book?
@@Anna-yl2lp I'm on the autistic spectrum and, for what I've known of myself, was highly sensitive as a kid and still have a bit of that in me although I'm learning how to manage it. We live on a planet where, sadly, life is a gene pageant and at that level genes matter, people don't. For anyone whose too intelligent, disabled, or simply has interior values that run in other directions its a really depressing sight and its extra wear and tear for people who aren't flying by the seat of their pants on instinct (or for those who do fly on instinct but don't end up as lucky as other people in where that takes them). To your question (not Sam Vaknin yet but related to dealing with people), my own experience with this is that the more you know and the longer you sit with it the better your reactions and exchanges will work so long as you're learning from it. There are some really good books on these topics as well. For example I've read a few of Prof John Gray's books which are these great 150 page afternoon reads (Straw Dogs, Soul of the Marionette), Rene Girard's theory of memesis is good, and all of it in different ways lays out what kind of expectations you can have of most people. For Vaknin I haven't seen him cover anything for self-defense as far as non-dark triad borderline but I'd imagine you could probably learn a lot from the above as well as people who have CPTSD and can be very nice people when dealing with people who treat them well but who know the narcissist zero-sum tactics and will pull those out in very specific instances when other people are treading on them (while I don't know Marilyn Manson or his legal case well enough for certainty I get the sense that he's probably in this category - ie. people say he's super-chill most of the time but, if someone else starts things he finishes it).
This book saved me once I dated a man who was 27 when I was 18. He never hit me but would yell at me , call me names, force me to stay at his home for days when I wanted to just go home and If I didn’t do what he wanted he would go as far as to not feed me. One day I told him no when he tried to force me to do something. He looked at me like he wanted to hit me I immediately left after that.
mr sensitive runs rampant in liberal spaces. i’m seeing more and more of these types especially in interracial relationships where their abuse has undeniably racist undertones. the stories i’ve heard are just crazy. a true wolf in sheeps clothing! i agree a full video on these types of men would be interesting and helpful to many women to spot these red flags earlier on.
Some of us have to learn what is actually abuse. I seem not to recognise it untill I'm deep into it, and my friends start pointing out, not talking only i intimacy but in general. This book is for me...
One way i learned to identify these things is by recognizing when and why I don't maintain my boundaries, or if the boundary itself was weak or non-existent. Maybe that can help you, too.
This definitely goes for both genders. Keep in mind too it's absolutely possible an abuser has had a rough life...but that doesn't mean YOU should pay the price for it.
I'm writing a book where the main character leaves her abusive fiancee, and this video is perfect for the research I need in order to write him in a believable way. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You are worthy of real love which is outlined in 1 Corinthians. Love is: patient kind It does not envy It does not boast It is not proud It does not dishonor others It is not self seeking It is not easily angered It keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil Love rejoices with the truth It always protects Always trusts Always hopes Always perseveres Love never fails If you aren't being loved like this, then it isn't love. I pray that these words may help someone ❤
Guy here, my dad ticks most of these. Scars me to this day, I'm focused on staying on my current path. Self improvement, respect & always being the opposite of him completely.
I just finished this book on my phone and I nearly cried each time I opened it. It was distributing to see how much of my past years are written in that book. From start to finish. The water torturer was the main one my now ex took form of. I could never explain it to anyone so everyone just thought we were both just being silly. I finally read the description to a friend like today and she literally was stunned. She wanted to just drive up to come get me… I’m still healing from the relationship so it’s a lot I’m processing
I just want y’all to know that the first time I watched this video, I thought “phew! My partner doesn’t match these enough to be abusive” I’ve recently started therapy and together while recanting my interactions with him, we came to the conclusion that he’s been manipulating me and has been gaslighting me. I’ve given him so many chances and over looked his behavior in the past because I care about him. I thought together we were working through our communication issues but he hasn’t changed at all. He’s the “sensitive” abuser. When I point out how he treats me he turns it around and says I’m the one who makes it all about me what about HIM? Why won’t I let HIM express his emotions. He’s exhibited signs of abuse in the past like threatening violence, yelling and throwing things and loosing his temper. I just didn’t want to believe that someone I care about so much could be hurting me intentionally. But he really just wants to use me for his needs. I’m still struggling with how to safely remove him from my life without him dragging me through the mud or using our relationship against me. I’ve wasted so much time already. Please please please, don’t be like me and make excuses for them and kid yourself. When a man shows you who he is, BELIEVE HIM.
Update: I finally felt safe enough to leave him. I broke up with him in my front yard with my neighbors watching. He took it surprisingly well. We’re doing no contact now even though that’s hard for him. I’m so happy to be free!! It’s going to take adjusting but life without feeling someone’s breath down my neck is worth it. You can do it too. I believe in you!
Extremely interesting. My ex husband had some of these traits . So did my father, as well as my mother , to be quite frank. These types of behavior do not seem to depend on gender , come to think of it .
Hey Ana, I wanted to let you know that I’ve struggled living with depression for the last 6 or so years of my life. It’s hard for me to even get out of bed some mornings. Thankfully, I’ve come across your channel recently and finally decided to end it. Thanks.
Only reason why I refuse to donate to that DV org is because they have a veeeeeery narrow definition of what DV entails. They *only* help those reaching out if the caller is romantic partners with their abusers- forget any other DV. They turned me away from any help since my abuser is my bio mother- thank god the state I live in recognizes what I’ve been going through as DV alongside romantic DV and other forms.
Oh wow that's sick! I don't have any good feelings for my local women's shelter either considering I know a few people who work there have narc problems.
Tragic but not surprising. My mother was also the abusive one. It's taking a long time for humanity to get past stereotyping abuse as only and always fathers against mothers and kids with no mix of good and bad qualities in all people involved. And since I've worked in youth mentorship and with families and parents, I've witnessed the many cases where both mom and dad are abusive to each other and the kids. The two way street is far more common, though imbalanced cases are also common where one parent is a doormat and the other a dictator. That was the case in my family, where my mom was the aggressor. Some people don't want to acknowledge this because they formed political ideology around their trauma. When gender gets involved, it can turn a person sexist against the opposite gender. But we can always learn and be the example. I'm grateful you are conscious in your donations and refusing to donate to an ignorant org. You could write a letter to them so they get the message.
What do I do when all the men I’ve ever met have some or most of these personalities? (Including family members and ex-partners) Are there any men out there who are not like this?
There are, and there are that would be willing to have productive conversations if they ever start exhibit characteristics that are detrimental to the relationship. I did not believe it either until i met my current partner. i brought up conversations about mutual respect and conflict resolution and relationship health VERY early on in dating (as i started doing after leaving my abusive ex) and was moved by what we were able to resolve and discuss together. awareness of some of these characteristics beforehand is key when so many types of abuse can be subtle!
Wow this hit hard. When I was in highschool I was in an abusive relationship. He was definitely mostly the drill Sargent. Except he would justify me not doing things by saying 'you can't hug other guys anymore, and I won't hug any other girls" as if that made it fair. But it was all his choice. I didn't want any of that, but I didn't have a say. If I didn't listen he would pull my hair, choke me etc he Threatened to kill me and himself a few times. One time I lovingly told him, I'd rather see you with another girl than dead. And he said he would rather see me dead than seeing me with another guy......he isolated me from my friends. I lost everyone. Except one friend. That was by far the most painful part of it. Yes, more than the physical abuse.
Covert narcissism is very painful. I remember being in labour, and my former partner talking to the midwife about his childhood trauma. No concern about my pain or the current situation at hand. No sense of the situation or the midwifes attempts at getting him back into the birthing...
Yep. My ex tells the story of my daughter's breach birth on the back of an ambulance like he was a hero and delivered her. He wasn't even in the ambulance with us.
Please be aware these people are in our lives as catalysts to show us the error of patterns we are falling into. Break the pattern of victimization, take back your power, free yourself emotionally, physically then nurture yourself spiritually and exercise boundaries and self development. I just freed myself recently and find those types are still attracted to me so I must act with intention from my heart space ever vigilant and self aware.
My father is a mix between the drill sergeant, the player and the terror-maker. Not only that, he's practically incapable of caring for himself and leeches off my mother who is too traumatised and hopeless about changing anything. They're in their 60's now, my mother says that they're getting old and there's no point in doing a drastic change into their elderhoods. It makes me sad that someone as sweet and selfless as my mother had to spend a life of terror, working every waking hour, whilst it chipping away at her health (she has very bad legs now) & series of unfortunate circumstances still force her to work. Hearing you read those descriptions out loud feels extremely validating, and seeing other peoples' comments makes me feel less alone in this situation. It angers me to the core. It's been a decade since me and my sibling started properly standing up for mum and so esp. the PA has toned down, but instead he still keeps being verbally abusive, expresses oscillatory behaviour (kind and caring one moment, verbally abusive and terrorising the other) and uses specific people as a scape goat to vent out his frustrations. He also loves splurging money my mum works hard for and it makes her so worried and depressed. Therapy isn't affordable in the sense that my parents are immigrants and there are no psychologists who could help them understand what they're going through and what they're doing wrong.
Bunnie That's absolutely heartbreaking and my heart goes out to your lovely mother! I'm glad she has people who care in her life though and HOPE she'll have her freedom eventually. ❤
@@coppersense999 ^THIS. Very important tip. My mom has always defended my brother and me from our father's abuse, so he started waiting until she is not in the house to go all out.
I just wanted to say that not everything is black and white. Majority of the abusers are a mix of these types. My ex was a mix of some of these. And what’s the worst part is that they were not always abusive, sometimes they were so loving and made me feel so comfortable and good to me. But that’s the thing, they do these to hook you. So trust your gut feeling, mine saved me from a huge mess.
I remember finding your videos back when I was living with a now ex-boyfriend, and he immediately said he knew he wasn’t gonna like your videos and now I know why. He ended up being very abusive and when I didn’t react to his verbal abuse he would eventually start to get physical with me. I was so naive looking back the signs were there I just didn’t know but I know now. Ty for all the information you put out about DA I really appreciate it because it really helped me out while I was in a really rough situation ❤
I was surprised to find that ignoring the narcs verbal abuse seems to them like the que to surprise attack physically with violence. Really terrible conduct, and I can see what sort of home environment that one was brought up with, consciously carrying those foul attitudes with him through his life.
Thank you for this. It’s nice to hear it articulated so clearly. I “co-parent” with The Water Torturer, who used to be physically abusive while we were using substances. He was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder in jail, and It’s so hard to articulate my frustration. Having come from a situation where my mother was highly narcissistic and abusive as well, it’s not hard to make me question my thoughts and feelings and reality. Finding descriptions is helping me solidify my understanding and give me more confidence that IM NOT CRAZY!!!!
I have an ex that has a several of those traits. He did a lot of the passive/aggressive crappola. I was expected to drop my life to 'help' him do whatever with no notice, he criticized most things I did, or would say 'Want me to show you how to do that the right way?' And that smirky smile - I SO wanted to wipe it off his face. Imagine his surprise when he interfered with the way I was cooking dinner, and I turned off all the burners and left. I never cooked anything for him ever again from that day until the day I moved out. I wouldn't even bring that asshole a glass of water. And then he wanted know if we could talk about it. And he was again surprised when I said no. Understand - like most abusers he was not like this when we dated. It began once we got married and started slow before it when full blown. That what abusers do - they do it a little at a time to make you think it as all your fault. Thankfully, I had better role models in my life and didn't let him tear down my self esteem.
Gusmonster59 Good on you for not cooking any more meals etc and for leaving him! I alllowed the last highly narcissistic EX to manipulate me into letting him stay at my place and became extremely angry about the way he was treating me, then ended up telling him that he HAD to leave my home on Christmas Day nearly six years ago. I can't believe it when people say that it was mean, so I inform them why it wasn't the case, including him taking off to be with his "friend" and leaving me at home that day, not to mention the r**e and the fact that he bluntly told me that he was using me and didn't love me. I could go on but I think I've given enough reasons as to why it wasn't cruel to tell him on Christmas Day! He's VERY lucky that I didn't tell him to go after the first couple of weeks, or first day, for that matter. 🤬
If one of the partners does not see signs of distress (verbalised or not), there's not much partnership Just like when one of the partners hides their distress Either way making such partnership work is (sometimes literally) squeezin bl**d outta stone' Who would *want* to constantly be hypervigilant on their daily communication? It's exhausting
Same. In the past women needed men to do a lot of basic things. Few women could get away with remaining single. Nowadays we can get a job, a loan, a car, etc. Being single is actually good for your health and happiness as a woman, and is also entirely possible. We are privileged to be alive at this time in that regard. I choose happiness.
@@punkybrewstar83 first off....love your name!! i agree completely. im almost 40, havent been in a relationship for many years, probably wont ever either. i dated 2 guys for ike a secod, the insecurity was OUTRAGEOUS!!!! i couldnt talk w out it being fact checked by google, among many other things i couldnt dealwith.its truly pathetic
I wish I had watched this video years ago. It's so painful and confusing when you're in an abusive relationship where the abuse isn't physical. It's so hard to explain to others what's going on because they're such experts at convincing people that they're a perfect person and playing the victim.
I see a lot of these in vulnerable narcissists, and grandiose narcissists. They are very good at getting under other people's skin, and can seem very kind or good at first. I speak from experience as I've seen both in my family and friends. I'm not using the terms flippantly either, I had to do the research to find out just what the hell is going on.
This was so reassuring to hear, my ex was almost all of these, and blamed his behavior on his “OCD” which he self diagnosed because he didn’t believe in therapy
My first relationship was with the drill sergeant. It took a lot of strength to walk away from that relationship especially because he also had control over the finances and I didn't know if I would be able to support myself and go to school. When I left that relationship I didn't even know who I was anymore. It took a long time to get back to me.
Wow I'm speechless. My ex did most of these things to me for 8 years. It is as if the person who wrote this knows him lol. Thank you for posting this. I'm on the road to healing and recovering now and this helps a lot!
I was in a relationship with a guy for over a year. He was a mix of the soft boy and the water torturer and i always felt so guilty about not wanting to be with him anymore. Im so glad i got out of that situation
Damn the water torturer+ player + even mr sensitive is exactly how to describe it. He would explode sometimes though, he once threw a chair. Its funny to think back on it. Whats annoying is literally 4 years later he still messages me and gives me gifts through steam for the first time ever as if Im not mad at him because all I asked was for an apology. I never reply, its pretty pathetic tbh. Never taking accountability for shit its so fucking annoying. I got really bent up on the lack of apology for literally so long but you just gotta live your life
Wow! My ex was all of these except, he never got violent or being a player... although he always had someone lined up after the next 🤔 He loves having female friends but as time went on, it was clear he hated women and thought life was tipped in women's favour. It would drive him crazy when he would hear the phase "male, female pay gap" apparently that was misrepresentation of statistics. Oh and let's not talk about how attractive he was but hated it "because that's not how people's should be judged". Always talking about his terrible trauma from parents, family, exes and the government. I would hear about it every day. He believed he wasn't very smart, but happened to know a lot 🤣 Turns out, he was a White Knight Narcissist... So blessed I escaped that toxicity. Please be safe out there people 🙏 ❤️
This book saved me. I bought it in secret and devoured it in about a day. It was as if someone had a camera in my home. I realized what I had been living. I finally was brave enough to call it what it was. I chose to stay in that marriage for another decade. My husband went to a batterer’s group on and off for a couple of years. He improved a lot, but I know now he was just going more covert with his abuse tactics. My husband passed almost two years ago. I miss him every day. I will always love him. I also can see that even at his best, he was affecting all of us in negative ways. Thank you for making this video. I hope it helps women such as me who were raised in abusive homes that just didn’t know they deserved better. ❤️
Thank you for the upload. Got out of an abusive relationship & have been checking myself to see the role i played in it. Was i/how was i abusive too. Would love to hear more about people who have the instinct/foundation to be physically abusive. Where that comes from. Why they can't get ahold of themselves before doing xyz.
It's hard to hear. But it's true. When someone lashes out at you when they're drunk... It just shows how little they respect you. I have had BPD and at my worst.. The way I treated certain people.. It was not because of the bpd. The illness just brought out my resentment towards them in a more aggressive way. But even with diminished symptoms after therapy I still hold some contempt for certain people, due to past hurts and strain on our relationships (done to me to begin with). So, yeah. I've been abusive. So I know what people who abuse me see me as. No matter how much alcohol or any other disorder... Disrespect is clear to see and goes beyond any illness, unfortunately.
I was dealing with verbal and emotional abuse and he started being forceful. The person took my keys, so I couldnt leave and I called a donestic violence shelter and explained what was going on and they laughed at me. It was really funny when I was dealing with health issues when I got out. So yes sometimes different hotlines are not the most sensitive.
I love your info but getting out of an abusive relationship is much more difficult than "building yourself up to feel better or like you don't deserve it" and getting resources.. I know someone in an abusive relationship and in my country there are not enough resources to cover basic living expenses. It is a huge problem in Canada with high cost of living.
There is a lady...I refer to her as " the slave next door". She doesn't come from another country or anything dramatic like that. But she waits on her disabled BF hand and foot and also her mother in law. He can definitely do more for himself or at least sign her up for IHSS so she can get paid. She never has a penny in her pocket aside from her food stamps. They never give her anything for her constant 24/7 (never a day or even hour off) slavery except for a place to live in a tiny trailer and he buys her a gift worth 25-50 on her birthday and Christmas. She's got some kind of mental disability(its obvious) but it's extremely hard to get SSI and the people always around you have to have to not have a vested interest in keeping you enslaved without a penny.
I experienced this yearsssssss ago. And it took me a long time to heal. Recently met a man that was giving early signs, many listed here. I got out of there fast and saved myself so much grief and mental anguish, but that tiny self doubt was still there…mostly because he was putting it there…that I wasn’t healed from past relationships, “making him pay for other mens mistakes”, and being too emotional. I’ve dated and had long term relationships between him and the last man that was emotionally abusive, so I knew this wasn’t an idea I applied to all men. Blocked on everything. It’s been a week and I know I’m right, but there’s a sadness there with that tiny self doubt. So…thank you, TH-cam/Google for being all in my business like always and having the algorithm suggest this video on the main page. It it was very validating and reassuring. Praying for all women in the depths of this abuse and manipulation🙏🏽🙏🏽🖤
Narcissism is always described as a trauma response. However, the book says it's not. I agree a 100%. I don't think that childhood trauma is an explanation for being abusive. There are so many people out there with trauma that aren't abusive at all, that are really lovely people because they have been abused.
Y'all are exhausting and are gaslighting af because when you invalidate childhood trauma like this, people will keep being abusive because y'all don't practice empathy. Most people are relentlessly emotionally abusive and this is triggering to victims of childhood physical abuse and to protect themselves they lash out. Not every abusive person is unhinged and empathy is necessary for everyone affected. People
Everyone has different trauma that can manifest like different "trauma personality types". We don't choose our reactions, but we do choose our responses. I grew up to become dedicated to youth autonomy and healing trauma because I went through that profound journey myself. And all because the nature of my abusive childhood was so delusional and my severe health problems so denied that I witnessed and lived out the reality of that denial. I never internalized the authoritarian worldview that can come as a result of trauma. Just like the story of the two brothers with an alcoholic dad. One says "my dad was an alcoholic so of course I am too". The other says "my dad was an alcoholic so I never go near the stuff". They reacted and responded in different ways, one using pain killers to cope with the childhood trauma, the other disgusted and repulsed. Listening to your own disgust and anger guides you to throw up the poison and heals you. Point is, we have many paths we can take after trauma. And if we pursue healing, it is the greatest transformation.
youre forgetting that just because there are abused people who dont abuse others doesnt mean the trauma doesnt manifest in different ways. self harm, eating disorders, suicidal tendencies etc... the difference between internal and externalized reactions to trauma. I'd also point out that you dont see narcissists that werent abused
This was a very educational video, thank you. I never knew a person could be all of these and am somewhat freaked out to discover my husband has displayed all of these behaviours and blames it on stress and the pressures of life. I actually blamed it on his alcoholism, but I guess that was me trying to understand and give a reason as to why he was behaving this way.
Stress surely contributes to it a lot, though he is responsible for creating better coping mechanisms to handle it. Though, noone is perfect and under high enough pressure everyone will snap - mostly the difference in how one does it lies in the fact whether it is gonna be self-directed (EDs, self harm, self-termination) or directed towards others.
I just want to say I look into psychology now thanks to my trauma with dealing with abusive people for a short period of time and I found your channel ! You’re amazing.
An abusive person should have learned by now, not to come my way. Abuse kills and destroys lives! Therefore, that threat has to be destroyed. Thanks for sharing!!!❤❤❤❤
I'm surprised to hear that abuse can't be caused by a personality disorder - I feel that my ex husband was abusive due to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Co-morbidities exist but a lot of energy is spent trying to understand and make sense of Batterers. Hence: Why Does He Do That? Interesting thing is when you strip everything else away, Batterers are still very consistent. Their abuse isn’t a symptom of some other issue.
It's sad to think that there are a lot of young men who act just like this because they think being toxic and manipulative is the only way they can attract women and get ahead in life. Aka younger me.
Well what would you expect if everyone around incentivizes such behavior...i mean, it doesn't grow in a vacuun and I don't think that most of those people wondered "oh, I have a happy life, now let's abuse someone". No, usually it is because you don't see any healthy way of meeting your needs.
thank you so much for this video. yess the problem about abusive people is that they are not always abusive ... otherwise it would be easier to get off abusive people.
I feel like my ex was like the whole crystal, with all the facets exposed to sunlight. A piece of work. Also, in my country, the man who uses the "my ex was so crazy" trope is so common that it scares me
So abuse cannot be caused by mental illness? I have had emotionally abusive (manipulative) behaviors in the past but I thought those tendencies were cause by my poor mental health, but that's not the root? I want to hold myself accountable but what's the root then? How does one fix it?
@M e Well my father did abuse my mom but they split when I was an infant. I never witnessed my dad's abuse. I did witness my sister verbally abuse and assault my mom, but my sister wasn't a parental figure to me, and I was a teenager by then.
@@EmergentSea i'm currently reading a book in which the author states that whatever happens in the first two years of our life is deeply ingrained into our subconscious. idk how old you were, maybe this could be it?
@@tamara6357 idk I don't remember anything before the age of 3. All I know is in that time period my mom my sister and I lived with some family members. From my mom's accounts things didn't go well, my aunt was verbally abusive to her and sometimes when she was watching me she might have been neglectful but I have no recollection of that obviously.
We all can become manipulative at times. The manipulation may be rooted in fear … and it can be a survival mechanism! When we’re hurting or in fear we might use manipulative ways to deal with our reality! It can be associated with a deep trauma (protection) ❤️ hope this help
Thank you for presenting us this book Ana. I am currently reading it and find it very interesting. Are there particular traits abusers are looking for in their victims ? I guess lack of confidence and self-esteem. But are there other factors too ?
I have worked with domestic violence survivors for years, and I think abusers look for victims that are vulnerable for any reason. If you recovering from a recent breakup, job loss, health crisis, childhood trauma, or any hardship, you can be targeted. Abusers also look for women with traditional values, like those of us who believe the man should be the head of the household and the master of the castle. They like “people pleasers” who hate conflict and contention.
A very interesting video. I think we all have our flaws and can be targeted regardless of gender. It occurs to me that the line between abuse and passive aggressive behavior is sometimes blurry. I will just take the video as a note to increase self-awareness.
Sadly, books like these don't really help relationships with avoidantpy attached or BPD partners. For them, this is just a list of confabulation ideas rather than a chdcklist.
Mr. right sounds like my ex-friend in high school. I used to be interested in astrology and I was just talking about how it all works. She suddenly starts vomiting questions to attack my opinions and thoughts and didn't rest for a second for me to actually answer her questions. I was embarrassed in front of my other friends because I panicked. I told her I'm not an expert and I only read some blog posts or articles so I can't give her an answer but she couldn't care less. I was terrified but also curious as to why she acted how she acted. So one day I was talking with her and saw the opportunity to ask some leading questions. And she said "If I believe A is B, even if experts eventually find out that A is C, it doesn't matter. I believe it is for a reason so I'm always right." At first, I couldn't fully grasp what she was saying! Basically it means if you believe the earth is flat, even if other experts(who probably know better about the shape of the earth than her) say the earth is round, you're still right because technically you have some reason to believe it is. It's a hard concept to understand I know. lol I kept our friendship for a year after that but it was horrible and thank god she is out of my life now. She used to make everything into a fight and pick on every single word. If you think you have someone around you who's like her, please run for your life because it's a waste of your time and energy.
20 years ago This book guided me out of an abusive situation In addition to Hold Onto Your Kids By Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Mate The combined works gave me the pillars of strength in my confidence that the steps I was taking to protect myself and my son were valid and necessary. We are now thriving 🎉 Thank you ❤
Hi Ana: My whole life I had felt responsible for my mother’s happiness and once I became an adult I would do more and more for her thinking that this would be the “thing/task” that will snap her out of depression. The more I did, the more she wanted help to the point I felt she was my child. It’s always a kitty party with her and her sisters also enable her. I truly believe she fakes being depressed because she learned the more she looks like a victim the more our family tried to help her. I had to cut her off and focus on my own career and my two daughters. What are your thoughts or tips on situations like these?
Wow I feel like your talking about my relationship but he does this because he knows I haven’t told my kids because I don’t want to stop them from living there happy lives, I’m getting close to telling them because I can’t handle it anymore 😢
I cut off a Mr Right immediately. I shared my thoughts and he gaslit me. Why would I want that around? very dismissive condescending ridiculing. When I said my other friends and I all discuss such things he said in meth alley or a mental hospital. I was discussing biology (nothing I made up one bit. I was quoting articles I found on google) The next day he did it again. ridiculing me. I KNOW he will be an abusive partner to the poor soul who ends up with him.
Thanks for talking about this very interesting book! I have heard about the classic "signs of abuse" since the early 2010s, such as the abuser getting jealous over your friends or even your family, and I expected this to be a repeat of the same things they have been saying over the radio for decades. But this is modernized and updated to fit the current internet age, and takes very new social movements into account. Thanks for the great find!
This video was really interesting and very much needed. I just got out of an abusive relationships recently, also reported the situation. Whats still weirdly fascinating, i dont think my ex resembled any of these, he was what i like to call the "fake mystique". Treated me like his "disciple" in a spititual path, took advantage of my borderline personality disorder+also abusive family, and almost killed me so many times. I still think of him as the most evil looking being i have ever met.
yeah, this hits close to home. My "spiritual teacher" saved my life despite the very bad stuff, so it's always been conflicting, how grateful I should be that I still exist today because of him.
@@niteshade2271 oof, idk what to say apart from im glad you're still here. But in my case, i did became more spititual and am also here because of that path, but nothing to do with what he "tought" me. Just listen to yourself always no one can heal or save you just youserlf! 💗
Real important point in your opening. Abusive people aren't abusive all the time. Sometimes, they're not so abusive. Sometimes, they're good. But they're still abusive. Murderers aren't murderers all the time. A murderer might spend 0.0001% of his life actually committing murder. Still a murderer. Protect yourselves, people
💯
Agree with you 💯
So painfully true.
excellent point. It's bizarre how people tend to only considered what they themselves have seen . "Oh they seem like a really nice person." it's like what they've heard about this person, let's say, doesn't match up with their interaction so they want to dismiss it or not believe it or take it into consideration.
True! Let's remember Ted Bundy.. He posed in perfect husband, father, good role-model... while he was committing the most hideous crimes in the dark.. Toxic people are, by rule, always very deceptive, apparently very charming
This book saved my life. After reading it in secret I left my abusive husband. I didn’t know I was being abused because he was vulnerable and hurt. It confused me but this book spelled out how the sensitive type can be abusive.
Same.
Proud of you & everyone ❤
Proud of you and everyone who has left! Been there as well and left. So confusing
Didn't read the book yet... so I will see if my quiet, sensitive ex was abusive.
Glad you realized what was happening and got out!
Years ago I read a book by a psychologist or psychiatrist, don’t remember the name or title, where he said (paraphrasing) “some people are just mean, they’re not suffering from trauma, they’e mean and they like it”.
So true
That's not true. People who are abusive have either witnessed or undergone abuse at some point in their life. They don't just come up with the stuff on their own. If they do, that's because they've been put in the situation where they were not able to feel joy in any other way. It's very rare that a psychopath is going to become violent or sadistic without going through it themselves. There are lots of successful psychopaths running businesses and otherwise successful lives without being abusive towards people. Psychopathy would be what you're talking about because that's a condition that somebody is born with as opposed to sociopathy, which is a combination of head trauma and environment.
@@Pugetwitchyou’re wrong actually. Abusers come from all backgrounds, trauma or no trauma, and can literally be anyone. You evidently have not read the book. It doesn’t take a psychopath or mentally ill person to be an abuser, it just takes a sense of superiority and entitlement over another.
i keep thinking back to the parking lot scene in challengers. he was a total predator, but a complete sadist, true.
@@Pugetwitch"some ppl" not all
I've grown up around abusers and saw them flip between these types depending on circumstances. It is amazing how regardless of the situation, their default is abuse.
That was ve😢much my experience my ex-husband wore all these hats, each one so manipulative in it' specific way. His mother used to te him he should be a preacher lo r politician bc of his ability to manipulate everyone. Highly intelligent but lacking in any self awareness. Tnx Anna.
I blame his mom she thought he could do no wrong.
The water torturer is too real for me. DARVO is massive for this one too. When you finally snap at the "small" put downs and disrespect and stand your ground and don't let them retreat and play the victim, sometimes physical violence can break out.
Absolutely l! Be careful!
Someone needs to come out w a book about the safest way to escape each abuser. They could include a faux cover so the abuser doesn't see what it is.
There's your bright idea you should do it
The incels would get a hold of it and then there would be issues. They have loads of big but hidden online communities where they specifically share info to hurt women
I have a secret e-reader for the books I have to help me learn about abuse and my escape.
@@PippiLangkous777I need it
The book actually has an entire chapter dedicated to how to safely leave an abuser, and as they covered there, there's no perfectly safe way to leave one.
Abusers never think what they do is abuse.
What is scary is when they do but still do it.
@@reuvenknight1575 exactly. That's been my experience. They're happy to convince you they don't understand. Bamboozled no more! ✌️
They know what they’re doing is wrong. They just pretend they don’t. If they didn’t know then why do they act differently in public?
This is true, but I mean when they drop the act that they don't know and just straight out abuse you because they enjoy it or feel you deserve to be punished for your infractions.
When it becomes obviously sadistic.
Some do and some do not. Some are aware of it and some are not.
My ex must have woke up every morning wondering which one of these guys he wanted to be that day. He resembles all of them at different times except the sensitive guy... he could never pull that one off because of his intellectual aggression and misogyny. He hates "psychobabble" with a great passion.
glad to know he is your ex now. I bet he hates "psychobabble" because, when employed correctly and by the right person, it exposes his BS. Haha!
Glad he is your ex :)
Same but opposite, he lacked direct "drill sargeant" control, he was the grima wormtongue or slow poisoner type, an insidious drip to control over time with every kind of manipulation imaginable. He told me so casually one time that 'of course he thought about killing me'. I knew I had to get out
You described my ex exactly to include the exclusion of the sensitive guy.
@@Effrustrella I'm extremely glad you recognised how much danger you were in and got away! ❤
This book should be read in health class for young women. Imagine we got this book in front of 15 year olds? It could save them so much heartache. Arm them with the knowledge
Exactly!
Imagine if we got it in front of 15-year old boys who are still human enough to be revolted by this behavior but mature enough to resolve to never, ever be that guy. This, plus some positive male role models, could make a difference in every household they participate in.
That’s called: PARENTING.
You learn healthy behaviors at home, from your married mom and dad. School is for reading, writing, and arithmetic. You should also be raised in a church community so you’ll see healthy examples of marriage and parenting in that community as well.
I think that would be a great idea. Especially because a lot of kids don't have great father figures. Something like it could have helped me a lot.
I feel like they made this book just to describe my dad lol
I'm sorry
Hey, Luis, it's me, your dad!!!! Watch yo mouff foo! Don't be lyin on me like that. By the way, me n Ana bout to run away w each other n make babies. She about to be yo step momz boi!
Same hah
I feel sorry for you
Same oh my god
I’ve come across so many mr sensitives when using dating apps omg. It’s insane how these guys mask themselves as the good ones but are actually really toxic
Yes!
It's so confusing until you figure out what you're dealing with.
Is there a way to spot them early on? I am very afraid to go out there again.
They’re the “Nice Guy”
My malignant narcissist estranged husband embodied every one of these signs. He literally tried to kill me last year. He’s currently hiding from police.
i hope everything goes back to normal soon. sending love
Glad you are still here hugs 🤗 And 🤞🏾
the 👮♂️ find him ASAP.
I hope you’re safe from now on
LOL!
Do you have any advice Paige??? I'm currently going threw the same nightmare??
This book saved my life as I headed into my divorce 10 years ago. Every year I buy copies, inscribe a personsl message, and give them to young girls of dating age (with a parent's ok) and women caught in an abusive relationship. For some it helped their mothers, too.
My mom could benefit from that, I think
"Drunken words are sober thoughts". BOOM!! 100%
💯
That may sound catchy, but it’s not always true. I’m an alcoholic but I am over three years sober. When I was drinking and was verbally and physically abused, I would sometimes say what I need to say to be safe, hold my ground, and get the hell out. One red flag is one too many. Live your life, but live safe too……..I’m lucky to be here. If it’s abusive, get out, and bring your kids.
@@Mandrake591 Agree. I put myself in really dangerous situations and got emotionally out of control on alcohol. That is not what I secretly wanted.. so the idea that drunk people just do what they secretly want to is not accurate. I did not like many of the people I spent nights talking to. I agree that substances dont make abusers, but drunken words are not sober thoughts
@@Mandrake591that is fawning and entirely something on its own wether drinking or not when doing it
@@eb2470 I’m glad you agree, you made some excellent and relatable points! I’m also glad you survived it!
I LOVE Lundy Bancroft and I have purchased several copies to hand out to people who I think would benefit from it.
Once I met a woman whose husband was incredibly verbally abusive and when she turned down my offer of the book, I left it in her house. Later, I ran into her in the grocery store and she thanked me for it. She said she realized that abuse doesn't always have to be physical.
I'm so happy to find someone who is talking about it.
How does one find solace, and accept that they will never get an apology from someone who deeply hurt you?
I'm struggling so much with "forgiving" a person who doesn't think they've done anything wrong, who is stubborn and proud. It hurts me, I think about it all the time. I don't want to be resentful, angry and sad about it anymore.
If he's stubborn and proud he's deaf to your suffering. I hope you can turn away from him & firmly close that door forever, you deserve to be nurtured. 🌷🧡🌱
This has happened to me plenty of times before and for me it helps to remind myself that I can't control what other people do or say. Even if they did apologize sincerely, it would never undo the damage they have done to me. I focused more on healing myself from that experience (which, of course, takes time) than focusing on how that person did me wrong. It's not always that simple and you will most likely ruminate on the pain they caused, but it is possible to heal. Talking with a trusted therapist about this is also a good idea so you don't feel like you're going through it all alone
You don’t have to forgive someone to move on and heal. Healing is dependent on you and only you. An apology will never truly erase what’s happened to you or ever give you closure. Regardless, people like that are not capable of ever truly apologizing and we have to know that there nothing we can do about it and continue to live our lives
Not everyone's brain is wired the same as yours, and you have to accept that. Just because you feel you deserve an apology, does not mean anyone else feels the same way.
Sometimes the only way to forgive is from a distance where the person cannot hurt you anymore. Even saints have trouble constantly forgiving someone who continues to harm and disregard you. The abuse must stop before most are even capable of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require you to allow abuse again. Its not permission.
Once you are away from this person, then you can begin forgiveness by understanding that this person is spiritually sick and incapable of behaving like he should. With his attitude you can guarantee he is miserable deep down inside, and no one can help him except God. Give him to God and let Him take care of justice and saving him, and in time you will find your heart free of the resentment.
Remember, you can forgive without allowing that person further access to your life. Forgive, but do not forget. Forgiveness is not pretending it did not happen, its forgoing the desire for revenge because you come to understand the person who harmed you is imperfect and suffers like we all do. If God were to leave it up to you on judgement day, you would show mercy. That's true forgiveness, not forgetting or allowing more abuse.
I'm gonna be honest... I've seen almost all these types in one person and many others.. at this point I think I'm better off alone
I wish for you to build meaningful connections with compassionate and accountable people. 👍
@SebbyPlaysMusic a lively blessing, I hope I can find the same ❤
Rule number one don’t move in with anyone
Nice sometimes? No. Even when they are being "nice" it's part of the end game; a way to manipulate. Anytime my ex was being nice, I wondered what he was up to, what he wanted and sure enough ...
I was abused my whole life . I was also abused by my friends and partners. I'll be honest I have abusive tendencies myself from the distrust and paranoia I have. I am a abuser. I have done some really nasty things in response to being abused and dealing with people I no longer trust/betrayal. no excuse for it. You make choices everyday and you can choose not to be like that .....its a choice
Thanks for sharing. What worries me about the video are these two things:
1) marginalization of personality disorder - makes it sound like basically "any partner falls into one of these 10 categories"
2) I consider it a form of objectification and dehumanization to discuss people with abusive behaviors as "finished products", assuming that they are fully formed, fully aware of their actions and incapable of any more personal growth.
The second point is why I consider it crucial to not gloss over what constitutes a personality disorder, and how to manage tendencies. I perceive a fair bit of what was said in the video as a "search and destroy" mode.
The video also fails to consider whether said person with abusive tendencies / habits is really self-aware and has the ambition to change.
I feel you. It's hard for me too to not let all the bad in my past harden me and I have been the abuser at times, much to my horror and regret. But because we see those tendencies we can change our behavior, try not to be too hard on yourself just do better. That's what I tell myself.
@@hardwareful I think she did an excellent job.
@@hardwareful You do make a point though. Abusers can change, if they want. If they turn their heart to Christ Jesus.
Honestly everyone has a dark side. Everyone goes through some kind of darkness . its apart of all of us . turning to Jesus Christ is just telling yourself that you've accepted yourself and you will make better decisions . nobody is perfect. It doesn't exist
People with dark triad traits are often good at making people who don't have dark triad traits feel like they're mentally stunted or imbecile for not having dark triad traits, a bit like not having them is a sign that you're too dumb to understand Darwinian evolution and thus need to be taken advantage of or, at a minimum, regularly belittled or condescended to. I've been enjoying Sam Vaknin's unpack of these topics, particularly the insight of experience he's able to offer.
When ppl are cut throat (figuratively or literally) and say it's "survival of the fittest" 🙄
@@nattie911 they'd do it to anyone they can get away with doing it to.
Funny you say that cause I've been bordeline feeling like something was wrong with me for NOT having dark triad traits, due to how easy it was to be belittled for being a sensitive person, and how apparently it puts me in a weaker cathegory that is basically destined to be walked over, or at least that's how it feels. Does Sam Vaknin talk about this specifically? Is it in his book?
@@Anna-yl2lp I'm on the autistic spectrum and, for what I've known of myself, was highly sensitive as a kid and still have a bit of that in me although I'm learning how to manage it. We live on a planet where, sadly, life is a gene pageant and at that level genes matter, people don't. For anyone whose too intelligent, disabled, or simply has interior values that run in other directions its a really depressing sight and its extra wear and tear for people who aren't flying by the seat of their pants on instinct (or for those who do fly on instinct but don't end up as lucky as other people in where that takes them).
To your question (not Sam Vaknin yet but related to dealing with people), my own experience with this is that the more you know and the longer you sit with it the better your reactions and exchanges will work so long as you're learning from it. There are some really good books on these topics as well. For example I've read a few of Prof John Gray's books which are these great 150 page afternoon reads (Straw Dogs, Soul of the Marionette), Rene Girard's theory of memesis is good, and all of it in different ways lays out what kind of expectations you can have of most people. For Vaknin I haven't seen him cover anything for self-defense as far as non-dark triad borderline but I'd imagine you could probably learn a lot from the above as well as people who have CPTSD and can be very nice people when dealing with people who treat them well but who know the narcissist zero-sum tactics and will pull those out in very specific instances when other people are treading on them (while I don't know Marilyn Manson or his legal case well enough for certainty I get the sense that he's probably in this category - ie. people say he's super-chill most of the time but, if someone else starts things he finishes it).
I was raised by someone like this. I made myself into a hardened shell. I'm still working on not being ashamed of having basic empathy. Shit's wild.
This book saved me once I dated a man who was 27 when I was 18. He never hit me but would yell at me , call me names, force me to stay at his home for days when I wanted to just go home and If I didn’t do what he wanted he would go as far as to not feed me. One day I told him no when he tried to force me to do something. He looked at me like he wanted to hit me I immediately left after that.
glad you escaped that relationship!!
Girl why were u in a relationship with a 27 yr old?
@@0l0l00l0 The 'why' from back then doesn't matter.
What matters is she escaped and learnt from this experience. 🌷🌸🍀🦜🙏
Don't put the blame on her!! She was still a kid at 18, he was the adult@@0l0l00l0
@0l0l00l0 the same reason the 27 year old went for an 18 year old: easily manipulated naïvety, unfortunately
mr sensitive runs rampant in liberal spaces. i’m seeing more and more of these types especially in interracial relationships where their abuse has undeniably racist undertones. the stories i’ve heard are just crazy. a true wolf in sheeps clothing! i agree a full video on these types of men would be interesting and helpful to many women to spot these red flags earlier on.
person is racist gets into interracial relationship? uhh......
@@slashbash25 Happens more often than you think.
Found in Religious and 12 step groups
Damn this scares me so bad
@@slashbash25 people suffer from cognitive dissonance
Some of us have to learn what is actually abuse. I seem not to recognise it untill I'm deep into it, and my friends start pointing out, not talking only i intimacy but in general. This book is for me...
I have the same problem, it's always hindsight 20/20
One way i learned to identify these things is by recognizing when and why I don't maintain my boundaries, or if the boundary itself was weak or non-existent. Maybe that can help you, too.
Pretty common problem... the book explains SO MANY THINGS... it is so validating and illuminating. I cannot recommend this book enough.
Drži se Djordje
This definitely goes for both genders. Keep in mind too it's absolutely possible an abuser has had a rough life...but that doesn't mean YOU should pay the price for it.
Thanks that so true I stayed so long just because I was so caring and undertood his pain
I'm writing a book where the main character leaves her abusive fiancee, and this video is perfect for the research I need in order to write him in a believable way. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You are worthy of real love which is outlined in 1 Corinthians. Love is:
patient
kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It does not dishonor others
It is not self seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
Love rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love never fails
If you aren't being loved like this, then it isn't love. I pray that these words may help someone ❤
fuck, man. I'm abusive. Victim and Mr. Sensitive.
I think i should really focus on not fucking up the lives of the people around me.
It's the self awareness for me.
There's HOPE for you. Most abusers can't even make this first step to solve the problem: stating there IS ONE
Between two men I once thought I love, they both shared all those 10 types of abusive men.
Same
Guy here, my dad ticks most of these. Scars me to this day, I'm focused on staying on my current path. Self improvement, respect & always being the opposite of him completely.
Beautiful hun. ❤
I just finished this book on my phone and I nearly cried each time I opened it. It was distributing to see how much of my past years are written in that book. From start to finish. The water torturer was the main one my now ex took form of. I could never explain it to anyone so everyone just thought we were both just being silly. I finally read the description to a friend like today and she literally was stunned. She wanted to just drive up to come get me… I’m still healing from the relationship so it’s a lot I’m processing
I just want y’all to know that the first time I watched this video, I thought “phew! My partner doesn’t match these enough to be abusive”
I’ve recently started therapy and together while recanting my interactions with him, we came to the conclusion that he’s been manipulating me and has been gaslighting me.
I’ve given him so many chances and over looked his behavior in the past because I care about him. I thought together we were working through our communication issues but he hasn’t changed at all. He’s the “sensitive” abuser. When I point out how he treats me he turns it around and says I’m the one who makes it all about me what about HIM? Why won’t I let HIM express his emotions. He’s exhibited signs of abuse in the past like threatening violence, yelling and throwing things and loosing his temper. I just didn’t want to believe that someone I care about so much could be hurting me intentionally. But he really just wants to use me for his needs. I’m still struggling with how to safely remove him from my life without him dragging me through the mud or using our relationship against me.
I’ve wasted so much time already. Please please please, don’t be like me and make excuses for them and kid yourself.
When a man shows you who he is, BELIEVE HIM.
Update: I finally felt safe enough to leave him. I broke up with him in my front yard with my neighbors watching. He took it surprisingly well. We’re doing no contact now even though that’s hard for him. I’m so happy to be free!! It’s going to take adjusting but life without feeling someone’s breath down my neck is worth it. You can do it too. I believe in you!
@@sabinegray1450Proud of you. I hope you're better. 🩷
@@sabinegray1450 I'm so proud of you!! You deserve more.
@@sabinegray1450I hope you are doing lovely ❤
@sabinegrey Yay I am so happy for you!! It's so good you decided to listen to your gut and prioritized your own needs, well done :)
Extremely interesting. My ex husband had some of these traits . So did my father, as well as my mother , to be quite frank. These types of behavior do not seem to depend on gender , come to think of it .
they definetly aren't it's just that sometimes it's easier to portrait it that way to get the information to the right audience i feel
@🍓 Strawberry Lady please search how to lie with any statistic or number on youtube thank you.
@🍓 Strawberry Lady alternatively you can search how to interpret statistics and/or numbers
Hey Ana, I wanted to let you know that I’ve struggled living with depression for the last 6 or so years of my life. It’s hard for me to even get out of bed some mornings. Thankfully, I’ve come across your channel recently and finally decided to end it. Thanks.
Same as you lol
Dated a water torturer and then short after a mr. sensitive. Was a ROUGH few years.
Only reason why I refuse to donate to that DV org is because they have a veeeeeery narrow definition of what DV entails. They *only* help those reaching out if the caller is romantic partners with their abusers- forget any other DV. They turned me away from any help since my abuser is my bio mother- thank god the state I live in recognizes what I’ve been going through as DV alongside romantic DV and other forms.
Oh wow that's sick!
I don't have any good feelings for my local women's shelter either considering I know a few people who work there have narc problems.
Tragic but not surprising. My mother was also the abusive one. It's taking a long time for humanity to get past stereotyping abuse as only and always fathers against mothers and kids with no mix of good and bad qualities in all people involved. And since I've worked in youth mentorship and with families and parents, I've witnessed the many cases where both mom and dad are abusive to each other and the kids. The two way street is far more common, though imbalanced cases are also common where one parent is a doormat and the other a dictator. That was the case in my family, where my mom was the aggressor. Some people don't want to acknowledge this because they formed political ideology around their trauma. When gender gets involved, it can turn a person sexist against the opposite gender. But we can always learn and be the example. I'm grateful you are conscious in your donations and refusing to donate to an ignorant org. You could write a letter to them so they get the message.
I hope you're doing well.
What do I do when all the men I’ve ever met have some or most of these personalities? (Including family members and ex-partners) Are there any men out there who are not like this?
I was questioning myself exactly the same thing. I share of the same experience.
There are, and there are that would be willing to have productive conversations if they ever start exhibit characteristics that are detrimental to the relationship. I did not believe it either until i met my current partner. i brought up conversations about mutual respect and conflict resolution and relationship health VERY early on in dating (as i started doing after leaving my abusive ex) and was moved by what we were able to resolve and discuss together. awareness of some of these characteristics beforehand is key when so many types of abuse can be subtle!
Wow this hit hard. When I was in highschool I was in an abusive relationship. He was definitely mostly the drill Sargent. Except he would justify me not doing things by saying 'you can't hug other guys anymore, and I won't hug any other girls" as if that made it fair. But it was all his choice. I didn't want any of that, but I didn't have a say. If I didn't listen he would pull my hair, choke me etc he Threatened to kill me and himself a few times. One time I lovingly told him, I'd rather see you with another girl than dead. And he said he would rather see me dead than seeing me with another guy......he isolated me from my friends. I lost everyone. Except one friend. That was by far the most painful part of it. Yes, more than the physical abuse.
Covert narcissism is very painful. I remember being in labour, and my former partner talking to the midwife about his childhood trauma. No concern about my pain or the current situation at hand. No sense of the situation or the midwifes attempts at getting him back into the birthing...
What the hell, thats messed up.
Yes- it’s different they get so much sympathy.
My mother is this. Your example would go for her 100%, allways injecting herselfe into any topic making it about her and start pitty-partying.
🥴 They are really something
Yep. My ex tells the story of my daughter's breach birth on the back of an ambulance like he was a hero and delivered her. He wasn't even in the ambulance with us.
Please be aware these people are in our lives as catalysts to show us the error of patterns we are falling into. Break the pattern of victimization, take back your power, free yourself emotionally, physically then nurture yourself spiritually and exercise boundaries and self development. I just freed myself recently and find those types are still attracted to me so I must act with intention from my heart space ever vigilant and self aware.
Excellent points. Thanks for sharing
So true. It changed my life once i decided im not a victimn anymore
My father is a mix between the drill sergeant, the player and the terror-maker. Not only that, he's practically incapable of caring for himself and leeches off my mother who is too traumatised and hopeless about changing anything. They're in their 60's now, my mother says that they're getting old and there's no point in doing a drastic change into their elderhoods. It makes me sad that someone as sweet and selfless as my mother had to spend a life of terror, working every waking hour, whilst it chipping away at her health (she has very bad legs now) & series of unfortunate circumstances still force her to work.
Hearing you read those descriptions out loud feels extremely validating, and seeing other peoples' comments makes me feel less alone in this situation. It angers me to the core. It's been a decade since me and my sibling started properly standing up for mum and so esp. the PA has toned down, but instead he still keeps being verbally abusive, expresses oscillatory behaviour (kind and caring one moment, verbally abusive and terrorising the other) and uses specific people as a scape goat to vent out his frustrations. He also loves splurging money my mum works hard for and it makes her so worried and depressed. Therapy isn't affordable in the sense that my parents are immigrants and there are no psychologists who could help them understand what they're going through and what they're doing wrong.
I hope your mom is able to get some peace in her life. Better late than never
Bunnie That's absolutely heartbreaking and my heart goes out to your lovely mother! I'm glad she has people who care in her life though and HOPE she'll have her freedom eventually. ❤
@@coppersense999 ^THIS. Very important tip. My mom has always defended my brother and me from our father's abuse, so he started waiting until she is not in the house to go all out.
This book BLEW MY MIND!!
It should be in every public library in our country.
Thank you for bringing attention to this excellent DV resource 👍🏼
Okay , I just got it on audio I had to after your comment ♥
It's on Internet Archive, so anyone can read it for free. And yes, an unparalleled source of knowledge.
Just for the Library to get burned down?
It's a very destructive book designed to create fear, chaos, and confusion and further divide the sexes. An extremely problematic book.
@@SUPREMELEGEND Spot the abuser ! This book is like garlic to vampires, IME.
The red pill/ incel community has been quiet after this vid👤👀
Not quiet enough
Great point
I just wanted to say that not everything is black and white. Majority of the abusers are a mix of these types. My ex was a mix of some of these. And what’s the worst part is that they were not always abusive, sometimes they were so loving and made me feel so comfortable and good to me. But that’s the thing, they do these to hook you. So trust your gut feeling, mine saved me from a huge mess.
And there are probably many more types of abuse... Infinite varieties perhaps... As infinite as the billions of people on earth seem to one person
I used to give this book away to my high school students, and many of their Moms.
I remember finding your videos back when I was living with a now ex-boyfriend, and he immediately said he knew he wasn’t gonna like your videos and now I know why. He ended up being very abusive and when I didn’t react to his verbal abuse he would eventually start to get physical with me. I was so naive looking back the signs were there I just didn’t know but I know now. Ty for all the information you put out about DA I really appreciate it because it really helped me out while I was in a really rough situation ❤
I was surprised to find that ignoring the narcs verbal abuse seems to them like the que to surprise attack physically with violence. Really terrible conduct, and I can see what sort of home environment that one was brought up with, consciously carrying those foul attitudes with him through his life.
Thank you for this. It’s nice to hear it articulated so clearly. I “co-parent” with The Water Torturer, who used to be physically abusive while we were using substances. He was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder in jail, and It’s so hard to articulate my frustration. Having come from a situation where my mother was highly narcissistic and abusive as well, it’s not hard to make me question my thoughts and feelings and reality. Finding descriptions is helping me solidify my understanding and give me more confidence that IM NOT CRAZY!!!!
BPD can also highly increase manipulative and abusive behaviour ...
I have an ex that has a several of those traits. He did a lot of the passive/aggressive crappola. I was expected to drop my life to 'help' him do whatever with no notice, he criticized most things I did, or would say 'Want me to show you how to do that the right way?' And that smirky smile - I SO wanted to wipe it off his face. Imagine his surprise when he interfered with the way I was cooking dinner, and I turned off all the burners and left. I never cooked anything for him ever again from that day until the day I moved out. I wouldn't even bring that asshole a glass of water. And then he wanted know if we could talk about it. And he was again surprised when I said no. Understand - like most abusers he was not like this when we dated. It began once we got married and started slow before it when full blown. That what abusers do - they do it a little at a time to make you think it as all your fault. Thankfully, I had better role models in my life and didn't let him tear down my self esteem.
Notice that gus monster is "abused" too...
This is an important example showing what _"abuse" as fashion accessory_ actually is.
Gusmonster59 Good on you for not cooking any more meals etc and for leaving him!
I alllowed the last highly narcissistic EX to manipulate me into letting him stay at my place and became extremely angry about the way he was treating me, then ended up telling him that he HAD to leave my home on Christmas Day nearly six years ago.
I can't believe it when people say that it was mean, so I inform them why it wasn't the case, including him taking off to be with his "friend" and leaving me at home that day, not to mention the r**e and the fact that he bluntly told me that he was using me and didn't love me.
I could go on but I think I've given enough reasons as to why it wasn't cruel to tell him on Christmas Day! He's VERY lucky that I didn't tell him to go after the first couple of weeks, or first day, for that matter. 🤬
im glad that you left him!!
Did you never tell him to stop doing what bothered you so much you left? Why wait until it gets that bad? It does not seem healthy.
If one of the partners does not see signs of distress (verbalised or not), there's not much partnership
Just like when one of the partners hides their distress
Either way making such partnership work is (sometimes literally) squeezin bl**d outta stone'
Who would *want* to constantly be hypervigilant on their daily communication? It's exhausting
Most men are so insecure...it is really difficult to ever want another one in my life again. I'm done.
Same. In the past women needed men to do a lot of basic things. Few women could get away with remaining single. Nowadays we can get a job, a loan, a car, etc. Being single is actually good for your health and happiness as a woman, and is also entirely possible. We are privileged to be alive at this time in that regard. I choose happiness.
Many times it is overcompensation for insecurity.
@@punkybrewstar83 first off....love your name!! i agree completely. im almost 40, havent been in a relationship for many years, probably wont ever either. i dated 2 guys for ike a secod, the insecurity was OUTRAGEOUS!!!! i couldnt talk w out it being fact checked by google, among many other things i couldnt dealwith.its truly pathetic
I have been done since 2015.
you’re better off without them - they are a complete and utter waste of time
I'd love a video on "Mr Sensitive"
This video is so informative, thank you !
Yes, I hope she makes a video on Mr. Sensitive! 🙏🏻
Oh, yeah, true! That would be great...
I wish I had watched this video years ago. It's so painful and confusing when you're in an abusive relationship where the abuse isn't physical.
It's so hard to explain to others what's going on because they're such experts at convincing people that they're a perfect person and playing the victim.
All of this in ONE man. Yeah, that's what I've been dealing with. I'm so over this crap.
I see a lot of these in vulnerable narcissists, and grandiose narcissists. They are very good at getting under other people's skin, and can seem very kind or good at first. I speak from experience as I've seen both in my family and friends. I'm not using the terms flippantly either, I had to do the research to find out just what the hell is going on.
This was so reassuring to hear, my ex was almost all of these, and blamed his behavior on his “OCD” which he self diagnosed because he didn’t believe in therapy
note: abusive men will not take the dishes out
who takes dishes out? you wash them not throw them away
Lol.
Maybe they both meant empty the dishwasher? Doesn’t make sense at face value 😂
@@deerinheadlights7179 I think Macaroni andCheese is eating from paper plates.
Yes because not taking the dishes out is such bad boy behavior. How terrifying!
I read this book when married to my abusive ex, and escaped him… but he is/was a clean freak and always cleaned.. so this isn’t all encompassing
How sad is it that I see my father in most of these.. I'm so grateful that I didn't end up dating a man like that.
My first relationship was with the drill sergeant. It took a lot of strength to walk away from that relationship especially because he also had control over the finances and I didn't know if I would be able to support myself and go to school. When I left that relationship I didn't even know who I was anymore. It took a long time to get back to me.
Wow I'm speechless. My ex did most of these things to me for 8 years. It is as if the person who wrote this knows him lol. Thank you for posting this. I'm on the road to healing and recovering now and this helps a lot!
Your summary made my realize there are a lot of abusive people out there
it's so sad almost every woman has been through one or more of these
I was in a relationship with a guy for over a year. He was a mix of the soft boy and the water torturer and i always felt so guilty about not wanting to be with him anymore. Im so glad i got out of that situation
Damn the water torturer+ player + even mr sensitive is exactly how to describe it. He would explode sometimes though, he once threw a chair. Its funny to think back on it. Whats annoying is literally 4 years later he still messages me and gives me gifts through steam for the first time ever as if Im not mad at him because all I asked was for an apology. I never reply, its pretty pathetic tbh. Never taking accountability for shit its so fucking annoying. I got really bent up on the lack of apology for literally so long but you just gotta live your life
An apology won't make a bit of difference because it would not be sincere and the abuse would continue. You moved on and are having a good life.
Wow!
My ex was all of these except, he never got violent or being a player... although he always had someone lined up after the next 🤔 He loves having female friends but as time went on, it was clear he hated women and thought life was tipped in women's favour. It would drive him crazy when he would hear the phase "male, female pay gap" apparently that was misrepresentation of statistics.
Oh and let's not talk about how attractive he was but hated it "because that's not how people's should be judged".
Always talking about his terrible trauma from parents, family, exes and the government. I would hear about it every day. He believed he wasn't very smart, but happened to know a lot 🤣
Turns out, he was a White Knight Narcissist... So blessed I escaped that toxicity.
Please be safe out there people 🙏 ❤️
This book saved me. I bought it in secret and devoured it in about a day. It was as if someone had a camera in my home. I realized what I had been living. I finally was brave enough to call it what it was. I chose to stay in that marriage for another decade. My husband went to a batterer’s group on and off for a couple of years. He improved a lot, but I know now he was just going more covert with his abuse tactics. My husband passed almost two years ago. I miss him every day. I will always love him. I also can see that even at his best, he was affecting all of us in negative ways. Thank you for making this video. I hope it helps women such as me who were raised in abusive homes that just didn’t know they deserved better. ❤️
Lots of love to you
@@KatieLHall-fy1hw, thank you so much. Love back. 💕
Very Good + Informative Video. Never Forget "Anger" is one letter away from "Danger"...It's ok to be Angry, Never is it ok to be disrespectful.
🙃😎✌️.
Why does he do that? Bc he don’t care sis, don’t obsess or stress why
Thank you for the upload. Got out of an abusive relationship & have been checking myself to see the role i played in it. Was i/how was i abusive too.
Would love to hear more about people who have the instinct/foundation to be physically abusive. Where that comes from. Why they can't get ahold of themselves before doing xyz.
It's hard to hear. But it's true. When someone lashes out at you when they're drunk... It just shows how little they respect you.
I have had BPD and at my worst.. The way I treated certain people.. It was not because of the bpd. The illness just brought out my resentment towards them in a more aggressive way. But even with diminished symptoms after therapy I still hold some contempt for certain people, due to past hurts and strain on our relationships (done to me to begin with). So, yeah. I've been abusive. So I know what people who abuse me see me as. No matter how much alcohol or any other disorder... Disrespect is clear to see and goes beyond any illness, unfortunately.
FYI there’s a free pdf version of this book online!
Link? ❤️
I was dealing with verbal and emotional abuse and he started being forceful. The person took my keys, so I couldnt leave and I called a donestic violence shelter and explained what was going on and they laughed at me. It was really funny when I was dealing with health issues when I got out. So yes sometimes different hotlines are not the most sensitive.
I love your info but getting out of an abusive relationship is much more difficult than "building yourself up to feel better or like you don't deserve it" and getting resources.. I know someone in an abusive relationship and in my country there are not enough resources to cover basic living expenses. It is a huge problem in Canada with high cost of living.
It’s a nightmare in the U.S., too.
There is a lady...I refer to her as " the slave next door". She doesn't come from another country or anything dramatic like that. But she waits on her disabled BF hand and foot and also her mother in law. He can definitely do more for himself or at least sign her up for IHSS so she can get paid. She never has a penny in her pocket aside from her food stamps. They never give her anything for her constant 24/7 (never a day or even hour off) slavery except for a place to live in a tiny trailer and he buys her a gift worth 25-50 on her birthday and Christmas. She's got some kind of mental disability(its obvious) but it's extremely hard to get SSI and the people always around you have to have to not have a vested interest in keeping you enslaved without a penny.
I experienced this yearsssssss ago. And it took me a long time to heal. Recently met a man that was giving early signs, many listed here. I got out of there fast and saved myself so much grief and mental anguish, but that tiny self doubt was still there…mostly because he was putting it there…that I wasn’t healed from past relationships, “making him pay for other mens mistakes”, and being too emotional. I’ve dated and had long term relationships between him and the last man that was emotionally abusive, so I knew this wasn’t an idea I applied to all men. Blocked on everything. It’s been a week and I know I’m right, but there’s a sadness there with that tiny self doubt.
So…thank you, TH-cam/Google for being all in my business like always and having the algorithm suggest this video on the main page. It it was very validating and reassuring. Praying for all women in the depths of this abuse and manipulation🙏🏽🙏🏽🖤
A self-identified abuser here! On my way to speed-run my life in celibacy and hikiko-isolation. ✌️😞 =>>> ✌️💀
All kdrama male leads along with manhwa male leads are Mr right
Good overview. I feel so badly for anyone who treats their partner or family like this. There are some of these "faces" in the workplace too.
Narcissism is always described as a trauma response. However, the book says it's not. I agree a 100%. I don't think that childhood trauma is an explanation for being abusive. There are so many people out there with trauma that aren't abusive at all, that are really lovely people because they have been abused.
Y'all are exhausting and are gaslighting af because when you invalidate childhood trauma like this, people will keep being abusive because y'all don't practice empathy.
Most people are relentlessly emotionally abusive and this is triggering to victims of childhood physical abuse and to protect themselves they lash out.
Not every abusive person is unhinged and empathy is necessary for everyone affected.
People
Everyone has different trauma that can manifest like different "trauma personality types". We don't choose our reactions, but we do choose our responses. I grew up to become dedicated to youth autonomy and healing trauma because I went through that profound journey myself. And all because the nature of my abusive childhood was so delusional and my severe health problems so denied that I witnessed and lived out the reality of that denial. I never internalized the authoritarian worldview that can come as a result of trauma.
Just like the story of the two brothers with an alcoholic dad. One says "my dad was an alcoholic so of course I am too". The other says "my dad was an alcoholic so I never go near the stuff". They reacted and responded in different ways, one using pain killers to cope with the childhood trauma, the other disgusted and repulsed. Listening to your own disgust and anger guides you to throw up the poison and heals you. Point is, we have many paths we can take after trauma. And if we pursue healing, it is the greatest transformation.
youre forgetting that just because there are abused people who dont abuse others doesnt mean the trauma doesnt manifest in different ways. self harm, eating disorders, suicidal tendencies etc... the difference between internal and externalized reactions to trauma. I'd also point out that you dont see narcissists that werent abused
@@banziimavusotvYou're absolutely right about most people being relentless emotional abusers in relationship contexts.
This was a very educational video, thank you. I never knew a person could be all of these and am somewhat freaked out to discover my husband has displayed all of these behaviours and blames it on stress and the pressures of life. I actually blamed it on his alcoholism, but I guess that was me trying to understand and give a reason as to why he was behaving this way.
literally my dad
Your husband is probably just a normal guy and not an abuser. Don't believe everything you read.
He’s an alcoholic because of those issues.
Stress surely contributes to it a lot, though he is responsible for creating better coping mechanisms to handle it.
Though, noone is perfect and under high enough pressure everyone will snap - mostly the difference in how one does it lies in the fact whether it is gonna be self-directed (EDs, self harm, self-termination) or directed towards others.
I just want to say I look into psychology now thanks to my trauma with dealing with abusive people for a short period of time and I found your channel ! You’re amazing.
An abusive person should have learned by now, not to come my way. Abuse kills and destroys lives! Therefore, that threat has to be destroyed.
Thanks for sharing!!!❤❤❤❤
I'm surprised to hear that abuse can't be caused by a personality disorder - I feel that my ex husband was abusive due to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Co-morbidities exist but a lot of energy is spent trying to understand and make sense of Batterers. Hence: Why Does He Do That? Interesting thing is when you strip everything else away, Batterers are still very consistent. Their abuse isn’t a symptom of some other issue.
Who said that? All these characteristics are that of an NPD.
The father of my child is a physcopath scociopath and narcissist all in one and is a criminal
@@mariascott9101
@"The father of my child is a physcopath scociopath and narcissist all in one and is a criminal"
But think of the sex...
i am not so sure if the experts agree on this. maybe you can try looking at things from several different perspectives.
Ben Shapiro is #2. Lmfao
I read that book years ago. Changed my life. I was finally able to let go and realize what was going on.
Woah the thing about keeping the ‘less attractive’ girls around 😳 I actually always wondered about that
It's sad to think that there are a lot of young men who act just like this because they think being toxic and manipulative is the only way they can attract women and get ahead in life. Aka younger me.
Well what would you expect if everyone around incentivizes such behavior...i mean, it doesn't grow in a vacuun and I don't think that most of those people wondered "oh, I have a happy life, now let's abuse someone". No, usually it is because you don't see any healthy way of meeting your needs.
"Abuse Expert" , Mam you gotta elaborate that title. That could mean many things.
thank you so much for this video. yess the problem about abusive people is that they are not always abusive ... otherwise it would be easier to get off abusive people.
I feel like my ex was like the whole crystal, with all the facets exposed to sunlight. A piece of work. Also, in my country, the man who uses the "my ex was so crazy" trope is so common that it scares me
Lol are you in Eastern Europe
So abuse cannot be caused by mental illness? I have had emotionally abusive (manipulative) behaviors in the past but I thought those tendencies were cause by my poor mental health, but that's not the root? I want to hold myself accountable but what's the root then? How does one fix it?
Good question. Hope Ana gets to it.
@M e Well my father did abuse my mom but they split when I was an infant. I never witnessed my dad's abuse. I did witness my sister verbally abuse and assault my mom, but my sister wasn't a parental figure to me, and I was a teenager by then.
@@EmergentSea i'm currently reading a book in which the author states that whatever happens in the first two years of our life is deeply ingrained into our subconscious. idk how old you were, maybe this could be it?
@@tamara6357 idk I don't remember anything before the age of 3. All I know is in that time period my mom my sister and I lived with some family members. From my mom's accounts things didn't go well, my aunt was verbally abusive to her and sometimes when she was watching me she might have been neglectful but I have no recollection of that obviously.
We all can become manipulative at times. The manipulation may be rooted in fear … and it can be a survival mechanism! When we’re hurting or in fear we might use manipulative ways to deal with our reality! It can be associated with a deep trauma (protection) ❤️ hope this help
Thank you for presenting us this book Ana. I am currently reading it and find it very interesting. Are there particular traits abusers are looking for in their victims ? I guess lack of confidence and self-esteem. But are there other factors too ?
I have worked with domestic violence survivors for years, and I think abusers look for victims that are vulnerable for any reason. If you recovering from a recent breakup, job loss, health crisis, childhood trauma, or any hardship, you can be targeted. Abusers also look for women with traditional values, like those of us who believe the man should be the head of the household and the master of the castle. They like “people pleasers” who hate conflict and contention.
Yup get rid of any people pleasing tendencies you may have bc they’re attracted to that like a shark sniffing out blood in water
Thank you. The player sums up to my ex. It was very devestating.
A very interesting video. I think we all have our flaws and can be targeted regardless of gender. It occurs to me that the line between abuse and passive aggressive behavior is sometimes blurry. I will just take the video as a note to increase self-awareness.
Sadly, books like these don't really help relationships with avoidantpy attached or BPD partners.
For them, this is just a list of confabulation ideas rather than a chdcklist.
Mr. right sounds like my ex-friend in high school. I used to be interested in astrology and I was just talking about how it all works. She suddenly starts vomiting questions to attack my opinions and thoughts and didn't rest for a second for me to actually answer her questions. I was embarrassed in front of my other friends because I panicked. I told her I'm not an expert and I only read some blog posts or articles so I can't give her an answer but she couldn't care less. I was terrified but also curious as to why she acted how she acted. So one day I was talking with her and saw the opportunity to ask some leading questions. And she said "If I believe A is B, even if experts eventually find out that A is C, it doesn't matter. I believe it is for a reason so I'm always right." At first, I couldn't fully grasp what she was saying! Basically it means if you believe the earth is flat, even if other experts(who probably know better about the shape of the earth than her) say the earth is round, you're still right because technically you have some reason to believe it is. It's a hard concept to understand I know. lol
I kept our friendship for a year after that but it was horrible and thank god she is out of my life now. She used to make everything into a fight and pick on every single word. If you think you have someone around you who's like her, please run for your life because it's a waste of your time and energy.
20 years ago
This book guided me out of an abusive situation
In addition to Hold Onto Your Kids
By Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Mate
The combined works gave me the pillars of strength in my confidence that the steps I was taking to protect myself and my son were valid and necessary.
We are now thriving 🎉
Thank you ❤
Hi Ana: My whole life I had felt responsible for my mother’s happiness and once I became an adult I would do more and more for her thinking that this would be the “thing/task” that will snap her out of depression. The more I did, the more she wanted help to the point I felt she was my child. It’s always a kitty party with her and her sisters also enable her. I truly believe she fakes being depressed because she learned the more she looks like a victim the more our family tried to help her. I had to cut her off and focus on my own career and my two daughters. What are your thoughts or tips on situations like these?
You did the right thing. As long as you solve her problems she will never be self sufficient. You have your own kids to care for.
She'll never change if people enable her, cutting her off is the only way to go.
Wow I feel like your talking about my relationship but he does this because he knows I haven’t told my kids because I don’t want to stop them from living there happy lives, I’m getting close to telling them because I can’t handle it anymore 😢
I cut off a Mr Right immediately. I shared my thoughts and he gaslit me. Why would I want that around? very dismissive condescending ridiculing. When I said my other friends and I all discuss such things he said in meth alley or a mental hospital. I was discussing biology (nothing I made up one bit. I was quoting articles I found on google) The next day he did it again. ridiculing me. I KNOW he will be an abusive partner to the poor soul who ends up with him.
Thanks for talking about this very interesting book! I have heard about the classic "signs of abuse" since the early 2010s, such as the abuser getting jealous over your friends or even your family, and I expected this to be a repeat of the same things they have been saying over the radio for decades. But this is modernized and updated to fit the current internet age, and takes very new social movements into account. Thanks for the great find!
@@HermanHedning And it`s only gotten worse since then
This video was really interesting and very much needed. I just got out of an abusive relationships recently, also reported the situation. Whats still weirdly fascinating, i dont think my ex resembled any of these, he was what i like to call the "fake mystique". Treated me like his "disciple" in a spititual path, took advantage of my borderline personality disorder+also abusive family, and almost killed me so many times. I still think of him as the most evil looking being i have ever met.
yeah, this hits close to home. My "spiritual teacher" saved my life despite the very bad stuff, so it's always been conflicting, how grateful I should be that I still exist today because of him.
@@niteshade2271 oof, idk what to say apart from im glad you're still here. But in my case, i did became more spititual and am also here because of that path, but nothing to do with what he "tought" me. Just listen to yourself always no one can heal or save you just youserlf! 💗
my husband is like the water torturer but should I show him this video? what do I do?
I appreciate this post. I’m an abuser who is going to figure out what kind of help will allow me to value the women who love me.