When you’re always walking on eggshells with the narcissist and want to avoid any confrontation or negative responses, it’s like you feel like you’re conditioned to always please them by feeding their ego just to keep them tame, and not start any problems.
I unfortunately did this to appease my daughters mother to try and keep peace for my daughter and myself. I didn't want that to be an aspect of our lives. It feels as if it might have been better to just keep absorbing the hatred from her and her husband.
Yesterday, GF wants lunch but doesn’t know what. I’m making celery, hummus and toast. She says she’d like “hummus crackers and cheese, but it’s ok you do you.” Right… this is code for “if you don’t do this for me you don’t love me”. This is how I spent father’s day… being supply for a seemingly bottomless pit of self pity. 😫
Ours got so controlling that I had trouble even cleaning the house. Ultimately, on weekends when I was home the most, I just stayed out in the yard as much as possible. It didn't take much to set him off.
if you have to sacrifice your voice, to "keep the peace," it was never meant to be peaceful. YOU are internalizing the chaos instead. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
EXACTLY. It's feeding the narc, so they GROW. They get more and more emboldened as they interpret the deference as evidence of their power and superiority. They aren't wrong on one level: they ARE privileged.
I wish I could afford to leave but I make LESS THAN HALF of what I would need just to make it. That leaves me with a choice. I can stir up abuse or I can avoid it as much as possible, including never speaking up.
@@carparthero It's a sad situation, and many people die at the hands of narcissists. I was almost one of those persons. We have to be extremely careful. A lot of us had never even heard the word narcissism when we were in the midst of it. Everybody says "why don't you just leave," but I'm here to tell you that when a person decides to leave a spouse who doesn't love them, many times that's when they pay for that decision with their life, and sometimes their children's lives. Many abused spouses don't have they're on funds, maybe their family members have stepped back because they don't want to be around the turmoil. And in my experience, I loved my husband. I didn't know he was just love- bombing me cuz I'd never heard of that. He played with my mind and emotions a lot, starting the very first day we spoke together. It was really really difficult, after I got away and started learning what narcissism was, just to identify that I had been living with a very dangerous covert narcissist. I had such wonderful memories from our courtship and early marriage that it felt like I was pulling my guts out just to realize that the first day we met, he told a ginormous lie that influenced our whole relationship afterwards, and caused our breakup when I finally learned the truth. We need to give each other Mercy and loving support, encouragement in every possible way, to help each other heal. God bless you!
You may often give in to the narcissist just to avoid drama. They make take it as though you’re under their thumb, or as though their false self is just too irresistible. They can’t understand that you’re just a kind, accommodating person.
They are simply INSECURE BULLIES, who are never able to understand common sense. All they know is that others must work for them and to please them, so they will use all tactics to get what they want from you.
I’ve had people ask me what’s the secret to such a long marriage like mine. And I never really knew what to say. Now…. I know that the reason I have had such a “successful” marriage, is because I stayed quiet. I never said a word. It was my silence, that made it work. This last year has been a hella wake-up call. And what does my husband say? Why can’t we go back to when things were good? I. Am. Never. Going. Back. Never. I’m done. But I can’t get out. Yet…. Working on it.
This was my mom...always just stayed silent (but strong in it). One day she made an excuse (that had truth to it) that she could no longer climb the stairs easily to use the upstairs bathroom or sleep in her bed there, so she needed to move out. Conveniently my brother had a home close by where she could be on the one floor. That was the start of at least getting distance from my stepdad. There never was a full divorce...just different households....and her continued silence towards him.
I’ve become this person out of survival - I’m an over-60, educated, white woman with Golden Handcuffs. I have learned some of these skills in childhood with my abusive Narc mother & a string of Narc relationships in adulthood. Yes, I have CPTSD, anxiety, depression etc. Yes, I’ve had a ton of good therapy. Currently, I’m choosing to stay for the kids. I’ve disconnected emotionally over time with my Covert Narc partner. I find work-arounds to getting MY needs met while not inhibiting his idea of complete control. Far from ideal, it can be done but you must emotionally disconnect, grey rock!! Find emotional support from trusted friends. Not easy, not fun, not what I ever envisioned for myself but it is what it is.
After 25 years with my narcissistic husband, I got educated about narcissism and got out. I still have to have frequent contact with him (or rather I have more contact with him than I'd rather) but I know how to handle him now. This is what my radical acceptance looks like!
I can relate but it helped me just now to hear that it’s involuntary. Like our bodies protect us. Just think of you like a little kitten hiding behind the couch. Is the kitten wrong because it’s little and scared? That image has helped me be kinder to me.
I’ve tried every single thing for decades, nothing works . In the end I felt as if I’d been skinned as if my nerves were exposed. I know have complex PTSD and have gone no contact to heal my nerves symptoms and lots of therapy. Slowly but surely I’m getting better. It’s so exhausting when you’re in it . Sometimes I’d wish I could go to sleep and never wake up . Those feelings are no longer there . Thank you Dr Ramani ❤🙏
Just seeing me was enough to trigger my narcissist father. I was desperately trying to stay away from him and hide, but he'd come looking for me though the house, and start yelling at me out of the blue. My own existence was triggering him.
I ignore them as best as possible. If that's hard, just try to not be a target - i.e., don't give them personal info or opinions, don't react, don't show emotions, don't personalize their behavior.
Keeping quiet to keep the peace perhaps works with work relationships and other superficial social relationships, does not work well with family and close friendships because the one 'getting along' with the narcissist gives up too much. I was forced to do a version of this with manipulative, authoritarian parents, I just keep myself to myself and waited them out. Unfortunately for me, this created deep habits of distrust of intimacy for me, which I have worked with for decades. However, as a child and teenager, my choices were limited. Tactics to keep the peace is not the way to create healthy relationships, but it is a good way to just get out of the room.
Dr ramani, after a year of watching YOUR videos, i am now that tactical person 💪! I'm so proud of myself and incredibly grateful for your help.... you really changed my life❤❤❤❤
I would do anything and everything to keep the peace, but then I became fed up of doing that, and after having had a taste (during the many discards he gave me) of what it was lime without him, I started to stick up for myself more, and answering back. That was when he discarded me for the last time. 🍒
I've tried to keep the peace for 12 years of co parenting and given in so much to the point that now our child is going to live them. Instead of giving in, I've given up. I'm exhausted and don't want to keep the peace anymore, I just want to live in peace.
I'm just past where you are currently. Trying to hang on to my relationship with my two autistic children in spite of a neglectful narcissist and, in the end, the "for the kids" thing couldn't work either. I'm losing my kids, already lost my home, currently living in a dirt floor pole barn, shooting mice with a BB pistol from my sleeping bag at night, my dog is my only companion and she wants to take him away too. Knowing that it's over, I haven't felt so good in years. Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle have been as great a help as Dr. Ramani. She gave me knowledge and understanding of the problem. Watts and Tolle gave me perspective and inner peace.
As that kid... sadly "giving in" = enabling the abuser. Maybe they'll see the abuser's true nature & they'll cut off all ties. Or maybe they'll become another victim that 'gives in' then gives up & enables the next generation of abuse If its 'too hard' as an adult... how TF is a child meant to survive??
@@Brian-qg9bm if you couldnt survive a narcisist, when youre the adult with power & choice... how do you expect your children to survive when they have literally zero choice?
@@Brian-qg9bm alan and eckhart were my saving grace when I separated from the narcissist too 🙂I'd listen every night and it took some of the anxiety away, the only way I could sleep. I discovered what NPD was a little later and that's when everything I had been through came together and made sense. Understanding NPD is such a valuable tool, but when co parenting with one it seems like a never ending battle that you cannot opt out of. I wish you all the best.
Perfect example. I needed trees trimmed. Found a guy, arranged payment, told partner I’m taking care of it. He says how much? I say not your business. I’m paying. The guy shows up. Partner starts with questions. Did you go to bank? When are you going? Then I slipped and said the amount. Partner has to weigh on and of course he’d have paid less. I’m tired of having to think and plan ahead to avoid conflict. Sick, sick, sick of it. Phew. Done venting now.😂
My husband is exactly like that. I call him Mr. Control-Control-Control. I am an expert at tiptoeing. But I'm learning to detach. I also feel pity for Mr. Pathetic.
@@susanfox-mx3nv Mr CCC. Good one. That quest for control drives me nuts. I no longer say when I’m going grocery shopping. The timer starts when I say “I might go to the store today”. lol.
I have a friend like this and she isn't bothered by the narcissist. She's the only one in the group that can cope with it. It is quite amazing to watch😊❤
Thanks, that is my goal. I have know narcissists all of my life and through your teachings am learning radical acceptance. It seems the more I know the better I can accept the inevitable. I am not perfect because I still get hurt/fearful/shocked/triggered occasionally but realize I will always have some contact with these family members regardless. My husband has been easier to deal with than my mother. She is even more toxic. I think knowing better what I am dealing with has helped me tremendously. Thank you again
Listening to you now, I just came to realise I'd always been one of those "immune" people until I met "my" narcissist who got to get under my skin. I just hadn't realised that, of course, but I always could tell an a-hole from a not a-hole and I wasn't really bothered by the first group. Sometimes I did feel, though, like standing up for people who were mistreated, but I wasn't really affected by the "fight". But this one did get me. Ironically, he'd always say "seems like you're the only one who can deal with me". Thank god I ran into your channel and understood what was going on, because I was reaaaally confused by the guy 🙈
My boss is this way. Or at least he says that a lot. You’re the only one who can handle me. He is proud of being a moody asshole. Lol I am proud of realizing I need to get a different boss!
I feel like my nervous system fought me and I in turn would rebel in my own ineffective ways, but getting out was a huge shock to said nervous system. Realizing true freedom from such abuse continues to eek out insidiously and leaves me baffled in my healing journey. It's a constant start and stop and it's emotionally exhausting.
I'm so freaking happy to say that my mother finally stopped giving in to my narcissist grandfather who was making both of our lives Hell for so long. She's a big fan of your channel, and she was actually the one who introduced me to it for the first time. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that the lessons from these videos saved us. Bless your soul forever and ever, Dr. Ramani
A few months ago, I pointed out a discrepancy with an inheritance. My grandfather and cousin paired up to steal money from several other relatives and I. They both lied about the conversation I witnessed between them where they discussed how they would shortchange everyone, and when they were called out, my grandfather decided to steal a larger portion of the funds. Then, they created a narrative that I was greedy, though the deceased loved one told me how much was to be left. Once all the chips landed from the threats, lying, bullying, and gaslighting, I came to realize that I would have to cut these people out of my life for my own mental and emotional well-being. It was a difficult choice, particularly in the case of my grandfather, but necessary. Ultimately, it could cost me more of the inheritance in the future, but again, my grandfather lords his money and assets over you as a means of control and tries to make you feel less than. I don't need anything else from him as I own my house, vehicle, and other assets.
My entire life needed to be around the narc to keep the peace. Literally phone calls nonstop else my family would attack me when she would freak out screaming and lying that I don’t love her… because I “only”picked up the phone 3 times that week! I’m baffled and sad that when I say “I can’t consistently answer the phone 3 to 4 times per day, and it’s mean that I’m not being given the freedom absent blackmail outbursts to call you when I can.” It feels like I’m trapped in a play or a jail. I better do whatever she wants else when she freaks out my uncles begin abusing me .
I experience this on a daily basis. I am able to be tactical and handle my mother’s vulnerable narcissism and keep other family members safe at moments but I cannot deal with my father’s full blown superiority narcissism and abuse. My parents separated when I was little and I went no contact with my father over a year ago.
I didn't know I didn't know! I'm so thankful I found you! I am healing! Slowly, but now it is all making sense to me now. I left two years ago and am still realizing what I tolerated and how I changed. I lost some beautiful things by going no contact, but I now have my life back. I'm haunted by how I've changed is a direct result of the relationship. Once I left, completely left the state, my dear friend told me she was afraid one day he would kill me and hide me back in the creek . I'm alive. Thank you for your wisdom.
My first divorce attorney (has to get another next time he tried to get custody) was like this. I had no idea about narcissism or his type of person and it bothered me that she was giving into his charm as if she too was being won over. Until she said, no, that's just tactics to let his guard down and let him think he's playing me and get him out of meditation faster cuz it's expensive. I still didn't realize what she meant to till she called him out on the stand and gave him an ego blow, which of course meant more abuse to me as co parent.
Thank you ❤ could you please do a video about NARCISSISTs and SMART PHONES? The obvious cheating/ micro - cheating/ social media, but also as a mean to stonewall, and triangulate others . Please mention the NEGLECTFUL NARCISSISTs more in your videos! They are more common than you think! Thank you so much in advance.
Thank you so much...this was Exactly what I needed to hear today as I'm embarking on such a relationship with my 35yrld son. I am 70 and one of the latter people you spoke of. It's taken me since birth to keep saving myself from being consumed by narcs and all it's toxic cousins. I've survived death ( many times) countless hrs of therapist interventions and my latest dance with Satan himself wearing a twin flame mask. I hope that I'm ready for this journey I'm about to take...my survival m.o.has always been running away, I believe now is a good time to come face to face with what I had a hand in creating? Maybe we can create some healing...send me prayers! THANKS again ❤️🩹
Me too. son 35 and I am 71. No financial means to seperate. I divorced tge father and now have the son. Father died long time ago. Still trying to earn money to keep going. I am now starting to get bitter. I have done so much. No appreciation.
@@wellinever1558 please fight against becoming bitter because it will hurt only you...our children are a product of our family curses through no fault of their own. Building healthy boundaries for ourselves is very important and addressing the problem with Love is the challenge when we were never really loved by our parents. 🙏 Blessed Be ❣️
I think I've definitely done this tactical thing with strangers who acted narcissistic towards me. I have no ego in relation to them, I have nothing to prove because I don't know you, or barely know you. I've never internalized other people's chaos. So I just go along, walk away and be like "that was ridiculous" It was different, though, with my narcissistic brother. I had to fight for my place, I cared about him, we had to negotiate, I could not get away from him, I was dependent. All of that meant that I was way more invested, younger and more naive, etc. So the response was more involuntary. But now that we've moved away, closed the deal, I see him rarely, I know what narcissism is, and I'm not dependent on him anymore... Now it's a different game. I do have issues from growing up with him, but overall, I've actually never internalized his chaos. I know that his behavior is his problem, I've always known that. Personally, I'm always surprised when people say "is it my fault, oh it's all my fault" and things like that because I've never thought that his anger and rage and tantrums were somehow my fault. They hurt me deeply, but my fault? Nah. Very interesting, anyway.
this is making me smile, thank goodness my husband is narcissistic resistant. He helps me ground myself with all the enablers, gas lighters, and the robust narcissist around me and from the past, I’m smiling, thank goodness.
When you’re made to feel so small and powerless after using your voice, silence feels like giving in just to avoid repercussions. And being reminded of how small you are. You let them walk all over you because they are in charge and won’t have it any other way.
9:00 They may also be the folks who listen to Dr. Ramani and have become aware of what narcissism is about and have figured a way to navigate the relationship. No societal power, no influence or advantages. Just radical acceptance and are done with their BS.
I'm a broke woman of color who fits into this category. I didn't know of narcissism until a few years ago when my daughter informed me that my husband's mother is a narcissist. I was just talking to my daughter yesterday and figured out that due to a trauma I suffered as a child, I have never had a main character point of view and grew up able to practice radical acceptance. I am highly intelligent, well above average (not bragging, just facts), was often an outsider and now understand why I couldn't understand why people can't accept responsibility & stay childish well into adulthood. I had to be responsible for myself & my children at a young age. I'm glad I am able to protect them & my husband from my mil until they can find the strength to.
I wondered if by going along and pacifying the various narcissists in my life, had I lost? Was I being fake? After watching this video I realize, wow, that is not the case. By gaining education on NPD from channels such as Dr Ramani's I can see through narcissistic bs, bounce right back and try to protect others around me. I have come a long way from the anxious woman who would cry in the corner, chin deep in gaslight.
My mom had just visited us, i cut all possible themes for any dialogue, she was saying that im the worst, and i can't be soo bad with poor old women, it's a shame be like me. But thankfully to your videos i stopped being hooked by her and letting her unexpectedly hit me any time. And i don't care anymore that the price for my peace is " being bad dauther".
@@tamarap387 sure, my mom has all spectrum of narcissistic ppl, but after my second child was born and dhe was able to show me all her attacks varieties - I accepted a decision do not be close with her ever again. If she wants to be a grandma to my kids - that's ok, but not with me, not even a friend.
This person you described is what I’ll be striving for now. I don’t like this victimhood place I’m in. I like having a goal to work for to better myself.
I think I am becoming a tactitian! So cool, Dr. Ramani. This insight into people who strategically give in but feel no guilt or shame. I’ve been working in my narcissist blighted childhood stuff with therapy and 12-steps for enough time now that I can sometimes be detached and impervious. I feel hope! Thank you.
Thankyou so much for this session. I have been building my life roadmap with hindsight & knowledge gained through listening to you. I now understand my childhood ‘fawn response’ to my Narc Mother, my terrified ‘freeze & submit’ response to a dangerous, violent N husband & subsequent flight to protect my 3 daughters. I was a primary school teacher so university educated & quite empathetic to vulnerability & the need to be strong to protect others. After 39 years of marriage to a now identified Covert Narcissist (through watching your channel), you have, with this session, given me the final piece of the puzzle about how I have come through & landed at the very empowering position of seeing clearly, but with a good sense of humour & empathy, that I am a Narcissist Tactician. I absolutely love that term. I’m almost high on the feelings that I can maintain my relationship with my Narcissist with boundaries in place & a truly ‘fantastic for everyone set of skills’ to ‘tame’ my Narcissist without huge upheaval & misery. Dr Ramani you are truly inspirational.
I would agree with this approach and I think this is the first time you have mentioned this category of people who adopt this attitude towards Narcissists without getting hurt without getting angry, showing understanding and love and moving on with their lives and goals. In the end, it is not unlikely that the "beast" will be tamed and at least at home there will be relative harmony, balance. Thank you
My fawn response grows out of my history of childhood trauma. I prioritized the needs of others and said yes when I meant no. Apparently I was also attracted to precisely the kind of person who elicited the fawn response in me. If I can find anything to be grateful for in my 20 year narcissistic relationship, it is finally coming to understand who and what I was emotionally and in terms of my attachment style and attachment trauma going into this relationship. Hopefully that will help me with whatever time I have left and whatever relationships may be yet to come.
This is brilliant & what I have realized is absolutely necessary. Its not easy when empathic but it saves me from absorbing & taking on, their disgusting behavior...
Dr. Ramani, Your dedication to the study of Narcissism is invaluable for many that approach the behavior with a philosophical take. Much credit to fellow scholars publishing the material you study to better educate and inform seekers of wisdom. Thank You for your presence and consistency.
Excellent video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Since your life isn't over, you can't know that she's the love of your life. You just might find yourself with someone that blows her love out of the water! Concentrate on self-care and healing. And then move on. Sending you strength, courage, and big hugs, from Tulsa..💪⚔️🫂. 🤠
I'm trying this with a covert vulnerable narsissistic mother and it's very hard because my nervous system is really struggling in the Pain Olympics she forces me to participate in. She wants to be the gold mitalist in the biggest victim competition and acts accordingly. The constant sighing, the moaning of tiredness and pain, the sobbing on the sofa, the talking to herself in agony, the instant silent treatment if you don't obey her. It took me months as her caregiver to understand that this is all an act and manipulation. I bought it for almost a year. Finally my childhood makes sense, looking from an adult perspective.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for sharing that the fawn response is involuntary. Even though I’ve been working on recovering from narcissistic abuse for several years now, I had never really brought that into focus. And I have experienced shame around the fawning behavior I’ve engaged in to survive being raised by and the being married to narcissists. Making this connection will help me to forgive myself.
I read several comments. GUESS WHAT MY DEALS-WITH-NARC BUDDIES. You all write well. You have greater clarity, organization, and language usage than other people on other pages. I am moving from my tiptoe ballet to a more progressive jazz move. I have yet to rise above it all, but I am growing. Gratitude and being proud of myself helps. Also Dr. Ramani's tapes saved me. Cheers to the summer solstice and lots of light.
My siblings and I are definitely the ones who can’t be bothered. It’s crazy how far we have come. My narcissist is very predictable because I’ve dealt with it all my life. I’ve done a lot of inner work and therapy which has been helpful. I really just try to show as much compassion as possible which is why I am not easily triggered by it. However, I will speak my mind when necessary or to protect my loved ones from the narcissist.
I think anyone in this situation is a warrior! A survivor! I am there, thank God! I know what to expect, I am SO on top of the asshole…and I am so ready for it! I have paid the price! I know who and what they are…hallelujah! Thanks to you Dr Ramini! I am stronger than he is…wonderful! He hates it! lol!
Brilliant. These Get Into the subtle Details videos are so empowering! The great examples. After watching it, twice, I clearly see that I have a much healthier view of tactically keeping the peace than I thought. I can also clearly see that I have developed a few aspects of immunity. It may not be consistent or dependable, but it sure is Great to know, and gives me a more hopeful view of my future. Once again, I am speechless.
Me too. It’s yucky but I am still here. Sometimes my ego just has to let me be ok with being powerless as a woman with scary men. My father abused me so I understand.
I am so glad I found you. I have a narcissistic mother and adult daughter (who just happen to have been born on the same day 48 years apart) plus an ex-husband? The amount of abuse I have suffered for over 50 years has really ground me down. The stress has led me to many health problems but I'm plodding on. Tip-toeing around all of them has been exhausting to say the least. I distanced myself from my mother a few years ago and my daughter a month ago after she tried to kill her brother (charges have been laid) and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm new to your channel and have been watching your videos relentlessly. Thank you so much for bringing this subject out into the open. 😊
Lol, exactly what I am dealing with today. You hear the happy spouse happy life you have to give in to over & over. No, you are dealing with a toxic person and you need to walk!
this gave me a whole new perspective. the narcissistic boss examples really hit home for me. i am always scared of the narcissists in my life, and i am always ashamed of my powerlessness. but to know that this kind of person exists... it makes me feel seen.
Yeah, it's constant vigilance and work. The real price we pay is the blowback from our shared social group or family. It's when you realize how low you rank in your own world. The cool cukes who cede to narcs and are seem unbothered don't really bring me much comfort. The more honest people can be around you, often the less they will care about sparing your feelings, and this is quite the contrast to watching them make sure not to rattle the narc, who freely insults those around him with no one standing up for you.
Just spent my entire session discussing this today with my therapist. Older narcissistic sibling. Everyone has spent my entire life bending to her will. I’m criticized more for not doing it than she is for demanding full control in every relationship.
We give in to keep as much peace and stability as possible or trying to avoid the toxic chaos they create. For me,remaining silent is giving in. I feel like I’ve lost my voice just to avoid the repercussions of using it.
Thank you. Golden girl meaning that Romney and watching watching you knew every day. You get educated to navigate those kind of people, so thank you. Thank you.❤
So much of this in academia!!! People study energy for political/social power and it attracts narcs like fireflies. And my relative and several colleagues are the type to just let the narcissist be, save face, can’t be bothered. Many white cis women and some Asian cis men. Tactical relative.
I don’t know but every time I feel I have learnt how to deal with him, here he comes and makes me feel like I’m actually the problem in this relationship. I don’t know when is this going to end!
3 and a half minutes in and I'm crying, finally understanding why I played along after spotting the camera he'd set up without telling me, why I didn't immediately flip out and demand he delete what he'd already filmed without my consent. The shame has been destroying me for years. This explains so much, and I had no idea. Thank you.
Hi Dr. Ramani. As always, I enjoy your videos and I can listen to you talk all day about the traits displayed by people who have a "narcissistic personality style" and how to deal or not to deal with them. I don't usually leave a comment because you sum up the topic that you're speaking on, so well that all I can say is "amen." My mother and my youngest brother display "narcissistic personality style" and they are something to deal with. They don't think that I'm too bright and that I'm very naive. Also, they think that I'm stoic and uncaring because their tactics have little effect on me. Sadly, what they don't realize is that I love myself, with all my flaws and shortcomings, and I treat people the way I want to be treated. In other words, I love people as I love myself. That's a concept that they will never understand which makes them sad and pitiful in my eyes.
It's like being in a perpetual headlock or a chokehold. Worse when they triangulate to intimidate you into giving in. As if a few moments of peace for yourself is a priviledge you need to earn by giving the narcissists what they want. Even at your expense. Why does this fly?
My niece is now in her 20's and in therapy, doing her best to heal from her father's constant rage, paranoia and OCD behavior. Her boyfriend, who was her only way to leave the house, was himself narcissistic. She has never known normal, just like my sister and I didn't. My sister was so caught up in dealing with him that she never thought about giving her child a break. And he moved them to a town with few job opportunities where they made no friends. If you choose to stay with a man like this or can't afford to leave, please reach out to family or friends, anyone who might be willing to provide the kids with a break. These children NEED to know what normal is, even if it is only for a few weeks a year. I live in another state but I would have been glad to pay for summer camp or have her visit me for as long as she wanted. Don't feel so ashamed that you don't ask....
Doctor Ramani, you have helped me navigate that path through your expert navigational lessons to identify the poison plants on my journey up the mountain. Much gratitude for your channel. 💜
My narcissistic older sister doesn't like the way my name is spelt. So I stopped using my name and just referred to myself by my initials. Just to try and not set her off.
Dear Dr. Ramani, thank you for your service and your knowledge. Would like to request more details/ videos on covert narcissist father. Mine is extremely sadistic as well. 🙏
Hi Ramani. I have listen to mostly all of your videos and having separated from my ex husband 15 months ago your advice has been invaluable. I have also listened to many other specialists and am in no doubt what I was dealing with was narcarcissm but I am still troubled as he doesn’t seem to completely fit the covert narcacism profile. The things I worry about is he never ever on 45 years spoke about how he felt. He would say initially I love you but never let me know when he was hurt or hurting except through his silence and negativity. He didn’t cheat that I know of.
Thank you so much for this video Dr. Ramani! May I briefly share my experience...I think I may be one of those "narcissistic tacticions" persons, but I was not always like this, it has been a (long) process. This in what concerns working environment relationships and mother-child relationship. I really identified myself with almost all points you have mentioned for those "immune to narcissism" I also think it helps that, although that person at work is my direct manager, it is possible for me to put some "distance" between me and that person at work, as well as from my mother. Needless to say that your videos have also helped a LOT, to don't bother with this person and be very careful what I tell them and what I show when they are present. My peers at work have the same opinion about that person what is also very helpful, as we feel supported by each other and all try to ignore and don't react to this person's BS!
A lot of it is strategic- while I used to be in the first group, now it's more about where and what I'm putting my energy into- would it be worse if I did/didnt capitulate and do I have the energy and time for that. It's easier if you can mentally remove yourself from the situation so their jabs dont hit as personally. I'm not fully in the second group, but it took a ton of inner work and radical acceptance to get to this point- I think it started with service jobs and being able to think how energy zapping it was to put up a fight with narcissistic colleagues or even guests- the faster you give them what they want, the sooner they'll be out of your face and leave you alone (until the next thing comes)
This video could not have come at a better time! My narcissist mother dropped a bomb last night and I am peaceful this morning thanks to your insight 💖
Honestly getting ganged up by my father, mother, and sister....was exhausting. Little details of my life would be under the microscope. One time i purchased a new pair of shoes for myself. (I rarely shop)... they ALL swarmed around me about the independant choices i made to buy those shoes.....i somehow became a shopahilic, out of control..and wild. Really. I questioned myself thinking maybe i am crazy....and they would tell me it's bc they care about me...bc we are family and that OTHER families do much worse. It really is exhausting being in that environment. Constantly walking on eggshells not knowing what will trigger .... will it be me? What i say, what i buy??? I never knew ....The only option was to cut offf all ties. But could there havs been another option? I sometimes think that to myself nowadays
When you’re always walking on eggshells with the narcissist and want to avoid any confrontation or negative responses, it’s like you feel like you’re conditioned to always please them by feeding their ego just to keep them tame, and not start any problems.
Yep, have to be so 'robotic' to their needs on the extreme sense of side, to avoid confrontation or a "rage release" (Covert style) 😬😵💫
I unfortunately did this to appease my daughters mother to try and keep peace for my daughter and myself. I didn't want that to be an aspect of our lives. It feels as if it might have been better to just keep absorbing the hatred from her and her husband.
Yesterday, GF wants lunch but doesn’t know what. I’m making celery, hummus and toast. She says she’d like “hummus crackers and cheese, but it’s ok you do you.” Right… this is code for “if you don’t do this for me you don’t love me”. This is how I spent father’s day… being supply for a seemingly bottomless pit of self pity. 😫
@@mochachaiguy they enjoy ruining any special occassion, it is a bonus for them.
Ours got so controlling that I had trouble even cleaning the house. Ultimately, on weekends when I was home the most, I just stayed out in the yard as much as possible. It didn't take much to set him off.
Keeping the peace doesn’t work when the narcissist wants drama.
Don't engage Don't argue Don't trigger them....but anything and everything triggers them. Only we don't know what and when.
So very true ...
Omg 💯
Well said, and so true.
25yrs of that crap...I've had it
@@BijahDSame here, 25 years. I'm exhausted
if you have to sacrifice your voice, to "keep the peace," it was never meant to be peaceful. YOU are internalizing the chaos instead.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
EXACTLY. It's feeding the narc, so they GROW. They get more and more emboldened as they interpret the deference as evidence of their power and superiority. They aren't wrong on one level: they ARE privileged.
I wish I could afford to leave but I make LESS THAN HALF of what I would need just to make it. That leaves me with a choice. I can stir up abuse or I can avoid it as much as possible, including never speaking up.
Well said, spot on!
@@carparthero It's a sad situation, and many people die at the hands of narcissists. I was almost one of those persons. We have to be extremely careful. A lot of us had never even heard the word narcissism when we were in the midst of it. Everybody says "why don't you just leave," but I'm here to tell you that when a person decides to leave a spouse who doesn't love them, many times that's when they pay for that decision with their life, and sometimes their children's lives. Many abused spouses don't have they're on funds, maybe their family members have stepped back because they don't want to be around the turmoil. And in my experience, I loved my husband. I didn't know he was just love- bombing me cuz I'd never heard of that. He played with my mind and emotions a lot, starting the very first day we spoke together. It was really really difficult, after I got away and started learning what narcissism was, just to identify that I had been living with a very dangerous covert narcissist. I had such wonderful memories from our courtship and early marriage that it felt like I was pulling my guts out just to realize that the first day we met, he told a ginormous lie that influenced our whole relationship afterwards, and caused our breakup when I finally learned the truth. We need to give each other Mercy and loving support, encouragement in every possible way, to help each other heal. God bless you!
You may often give in to the narcissist just to avoid drama. They make take it as though you’re under their thumb, or as though their false self is just too irresistible. They can’t understand that you’re just a kind, accommodating person.
I'm trying to figure out how to not take the hit from the adult children because he is being reactive and I have to take action.
They are simply INSECURE BULLIES, who are never able to understand common sense. All they know is that others must work for them and to please them, so they will use all tactics to get what they want from you.
Exactly. They are being fed, and they grow fatter from the supply.
@@well_weatheredMe too...
I’ve had people ask me what’s the secret to such a long marriage like mine.
And I never really knew what to say.
Now…. I know that the reason I have had such a “successful” marriage, is because I stayed quiet. I never said a word. It was my silence, that made it work.
This last year has been a hella wake-up call. And what does my husband say?
Why can’t we go back to when things were good?
I. Am. Never. Going. Back.
Never.
I’m done. But I can’t get out.
Yet….
Working on it.
I'm in the same situation. 30 years of narcissistic abuse, but I'm saving money and making plans to get out safely.
Good luck to you.
This was my mom...always just stayed silent (but strong in it). One day she made an excuse (that had truth to it) that she could no longer climb the stairs easily to use the upstairs bathroom or sleep in her bed there, so she needed to move out. Conveniently my brother had a home close by where she could be on the one floor. That was the start of at least getting distance from my stepdad. There never was a full divorce...just different households....and her continued silence towards him.
@@tamarap387 sounds difficult to hear your own voice in this chaos when your mother's silence made you question your own worries.
❤️
I’ve become this person out of survival - I’m an over-60, educated, white woman with Golden Handcuffs. I have learned some of these skills in childhood with my abusive Narc mother & a string of Narc relationships in adulthood. Yes, I have CPTSD, anxiety, depression etc. Yes, I’ve had a ton of good therapy. Currently, I’m choosing to stay for the kids. I’ve disconnected emotionally over time with my Covert Narc partner. I find work-arounds to getting MY needs met while not inhibiting his idea of complete control. Far from ideal, it can be done but you must emotionally disconnect, grey rock!! Find emotional support from trusted friends. Not easy, not fun, not what I ever envisioned for myself but it is what it is.
Very good words
After 25 years with my narcissistic husband, I got educated about narcissism and got out. I still have to have frequent contact with him (or rather I have more contact with him than I'd rather) but I know how to handle him now. This is what my radical acceptance looks like!
Yay Christine!!❤
Thats the thing im a pro at fawning, appeasing, giving in, adjusting and accomodating and agreeing and i hate myself for all of that.
Don't hate yourself. It's a survival strategy and you've become a master at it! You're a survivor!😊
I can relate but it helped me just now to hear that it’s involuntary. Like our bodies protect us. Just think of you like a little kitten hiding behind the couch. Is the kitten wrong because it’s little and scared? That image has helped me be kinder to me.
I’ve tried every single thing for decades, nothing works . In the end I felt as if I’d been skinned as if my nerves were exposed. I know have complex PTSD and have gone no contact to heal my nerves symptoms and lots of therapy. Slowly but surely I’m getting better. It’s so exhausting when you’re in it . Sometimes I’d wish I could go to sleep and never wake up . Those feelings are no longer there . Thank you Dr Ramani ❤🙏
Just seeing me was enough to trigger my narcissist father. I was desperately trying to stay away from him and hide, but he'd come looking for me though the house, and start yelling at me out of the blue. My own existence was triggering him.
I ignore them as best as possible. If that's hard, just try to not be a target - i.e., don't give them personal info or opinions, don't react, don't show emotions, don't personalize their behavior.
Well said.
Keeping quiet to keep the peace perhaps works with work relationships and other superficial social relationships, does not work well with family and close friendships because the one 'getting along' with the narcissist gives up too much. I was forced to do a version of this with manipulative, authoritarian parents, I just keep myself to myself and waited them out. Unfortunately for me, this created deep habits of distrust of intimacy for me, which I have worked with for decades. However, as a child and teenager, my choices were limited. Tactics to keep the peace is not the way to create healthy relationships, but it is a good way to just get out of the room.
100%. It's my belief that God can give someone the tools and mindset to become the tactical immmune person
Dr ramani, after a year of watching YOUR videos, i am now that tactical person 💪! I'm so proud of myself and incredibly grateful for your help.... you really changed my life❤❤❤❤
I would do anything and everything to keep the peace, but then I became fed up of doing that, and after having had a taste (during the many discards he gave me) of what it was lime without him, I started to stick up for myself more, and answering back. That was when he discarded me for the last time. 🍒
I've tried to keep the peace for 12 years of co parenting and given in so much to the point that now our child is going to live them. Instead of giving in, I've given up. I'm exhausted and don't want to keep the peace anymore, I just want to live in peace.
It's sad, but you've done the best you can. I can relate. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong, work on healing.
I'm just past where you are currently. Trying to hang on to my relationship with my two autistic children in spite of a neglectful narcissist and, in the end, the "for the kids" thing couldn't work either.
I'm losing my kids, already lost my home, currently living in a dirt floor pole barn, shooting mice with a BB pistol from my sleeping bag at night, my dog is my only companion and she wants to take him away too.
Knowing that it's over, I haven't felt so good in years.
Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle have been as great a help as Dr. Ramani. She gave me knowledge and understanding of the problem.
Watts and Tolle gave me perspective and inner peace.
As that kid... sadly "giving in" = enabling the abuser.
Maybe they'll see the abuser's true nature & they'll cut off all ties.
Or maybe they'll become another victim that 'gives in' then gives up & enables the next generation of abuse
If its 'too hard' as an adult... how TF is a child meant to survive??
@@Brian-qg9bm if you couldnt survive a narcisist, when youre the adult with power & choice... how do you expect your children to survive when they have literally zero choice?
@@Brian-qg9bm alan and eckhart were my saving grace when I separated from the narcissist too 🙂I'd listen every night and it took some of the anxiety away, the only way I could sleep. I discovered what NPD was a little later and that's when everything I had been through came together and made sense. Understanding NPD is such a valuable tool, but when co parenting with one it seems like a never ending battle that you cannot opt out of. I wish you all the best.
Perfect example. I needed trees trimmed. Found a guy, arranged payment, told partner I’m taking care of it. He says how much? I say not your business. I’m paying. The guy shows up. Partner starts with questions. Did you go to bank? When are you going? Then I slipped and said the amount. Partner has to weigh on and of course he’d have paid less. I’m tired of having to think and plan ahead to avoid conflict. Sick, sick, sick of it. Phew. Done venting now.😂
My husband is exactly like that. I call him Mr. Control-Control-Control. I am an expert at tiptoeing. But I'm learning to detach. I also feel pity for Mr. Pathetic.
@@susanfox-mx3nv Mr CCC. Good one. That quest for control drives me nuts. I no longer say when I’m going grocery shopping. The timer starts when I say “I might go to the store today”. lol.
I used this tactic against a toxic coworker. Things went so well. Give them a small supply and get a big win. 😁
That’s what I have to do at home.
@@yinyangphoenix I hope it works out for you. 🙂
I have a friend like this and she isn't bothered by the narcissist. She's the only one in the group that can cope with it. It is quite amazing to watch😊❤
That is so cool that you know someone like this.
Thanks, that is my goal. I have know narcissists all of my life and through your teachings am learning radical acceptance. It seems the more I know the better I can accept the inevitable. I am not perfect because I still get hurt/fearful/shocked/triggered occasionally but realize I will always have some contact with these family members regardless. My husband has been easier to deal with than my mother. She is even more toxic. I think knowing better what I am dealing with has helped me tremendously. Thank you again
Listening to you now, I just came to realise I'd always been one of those "immune" people until I met "my" narcissist who got to get under my skin. I just hadn't realised that, of course, but I always could tell an a-hole from a not a-hole and I wasn't really bothered by the first group. Sometimes I did feel, though, like standing up for people who were mistreated, but I wasn't really affected by the "fight". But this one did get me. Ironically, he'd always say "seems like you're the only one who can deal with me". Thank god I ran into your channel and understood what was going on, because I was reaaaally confused by the guy 🙈
My boss is this way. Or at least he says that a lot. You’re the only one who can handle me. He is proud of being a moody asshole. Lol I am proud of realizing I need to get a different boss!
Others do this, but I refuse. It makes me look like the bad guy, but others do see it, too. I stand my ground daily.
I feel like my nervous system fought me and I in turn would rebel in my own ineffective ways, but getting out was a huge shock to said nervous system. Realizing true freedom from such abuse continues to eek out insidiously and leaves me baffled in my healing journey. It's a constant start and stop and it's emotionally exhausting.
I'm so freaking happy to say that my mother finally stopped giving in to my narcissist grandfather who was making both of our lives Hell for so long.
She's a big fan of your channel, and she was actually the one who introduced me to it for the first time. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that the lessons from these videos saved us.
Bless your soul forever and ever, Dr. Ramani
A few months ago, I pointed out a discrepancy with an inheritance. My grandfather and cousin paired up to steal money from several other relatives and I. They both lied about the conversation I witnessed between them where they discussed how they would shortchange everyone, and when they were called out, my grandfather decided to steal a larger portion of the funds. Then, they created a narrative that I was greedy, though the deceased loved one told me how much was to be left. Once all the chips landed from the threats, lying, bullying, and gaslighting, I came to realize that I would have to cut these people out of my life for my own mental and emotional well-being. It was a difficult choice, particularly in the case of my grandfather, but necessary. Ultimately, it could cost me more of the inheritance in the future, but again, my grandfather lords his money and assets over you as a means of control and tries to make you feel less than. I don't need anything else from him as I own my house, vehicle, and other assets.
well done.
My entire life needed to be around the narc to keep the peace. Literally phone calls nonstop else my family would attack me when she would freak out screaming and lying that I don’t love her… because I “only”picked up the phone 3 times that week!
I’m baffled and sad that when I say “I can’t consistently answer the phone 3 to 4 times per day, and it’s mean that I’m not being given the freedom absent blackmail outbursts to call you when I can.”
It feels like I’m trapped in a play or a jail. I better do whatever she wants else when she freaks out my uncles begin abusing me .
5:13 “It’s voluntary. It’s not a fawn, it’s tactical.” Thank you, that helps.
I experience this on a daily basis. I am able to be tactical and handle my mother’s vulnerable narcissism and keep other family members safe at moments but I cannot deal with my father’s full blown superiority narcissism and abuse. My parents separated when I was little and I went no contact with my father over a year ago.
I didn't know I didn't know! I'm so thankful I found you!
I am healing! Slowly, but now it is all making sense to me now. I left two years ago and am still realizing what I tolerated and how I changed. I lost some beautiful things by going no contact, but I now have my life back. I'm haunted by how I've changed is a direct result of the relationship.
Once I left, completely left the state, my dear friend told me she was afraid one day he would kill me and hide me back in the creek .
I'm alive.
Thank you for your wisdom.
Had any one said that they love you today
I love you
Be strong enough to be honest and kind
Thank you. I needed this today. Hugs
My first divorce attorney (has to get another next time he tried to get custody) was like this. I had no idea about narcissism or his type of person and it bothered me that she was giving into his charm as if she too was being won over. Until she said, no, that's just tactics to let his guard down and let him think he's playing me and get him out of meditation faster cuz it's expensive. I still didn't realize what she meant to till she called him out on the stand and gave him an ego blow, which of course meant more abuse to me as co parent.
Thank you ❤ could you please do a video about NARCISSISTs and SMART PHONES?
The obvious cheating/ micro - cheating/ social media, but also as a mean to stonewall, and triangulate others .
Please mention the NEGLECTFUL NARCISSISTs more in your videos!
They are more common than you think!
Thank you so much in advance.
Thank you so much...this was Exactly what I needed to hear today as I'm embarking on such a relationship with my 35yrld son. I am 70 and one of the latter people you spoke of. It's taken me since birth to keep saving myself from being consumed by narcs and all it's toxic cousins. I've survived death ( many times) countless hrs of therapist interventions and my latest dance with Satan himself wearing a twin flame mask. I hope that I'm ready for this journey I'm about to take...my survival m.o.has always been running away, I believe now is a good time to come face to face with what I had a hand in creating? Maybe we can create some healing...send me prayers! THANKS again ❤️🩹
Prayers and healing ❤
Prayers!
Me too. son 35 and I am 71. No financial means to seperate. I divorced tge father and now have the son. Father died long time ago. Still trying to earn money to keep going. I am now starting to get bitter. I have done so much. No appreciation.
@@wellinever1558 please fight against becoming bitter because it will hurt only you...our children are a product of our family curses through no fault of their own. Building healthy boundaries for ourselves is very important and addressing the problem with Love is the challenge when we were never really loved by our parents. 🙏 Blessed Be ❣️
I think I've definitely done this tactical thing with strangers who acted narcissistic towards me. I have no ego in relation to them, I have nothing to prove because I don't know you, or barely know you. I've never internalized other people's chaos. So I just go along, walk away and be like "that was ridiculous"
It was different, though, with my narcissistic brother. I had to fight for my place, I cared about him, we had to negotiate, I could not get away from him, I was dependent. All of that meant that I was way more invested, younger and more naive, etc. So the response was more involuntary.
But now that we've moved away, closed the deal, I see him rarely, I know what narcissism is, and I'm not dependent on him anymore... Now it's a different game. I do have issues from growing up with him, but overall, I've actually never internalized his chaos. I know that his behavior is his problem, I've always known that. Personally, I'm always surprised when people say "is it my fault, oh it's all my fault" and things like that because I've never thought that his anger and rage and tantrums were somehow my fault. They hurt me deeply, but my fault? Nah.
Very interesting, anyway.
This... Losing yourself... And feeling bad because you went along with many things.
this is making me smile, thank goodness my husband is narcissistic resistant. He helps me ground myself with all the enablers, gas lighters, and the robust narcissist around me and from the past, I’m smiling, thank goodness.
I am so happy you have a narc proof husband. It’s nice to hear of some victories in this strange journey.
10:38 true radical acceptance…good sense of humor, being agreeable and zero fragile ego. I’m studying! 😌
When you’re made to feel so small and powerless after using your voice, silence feels like giving in just to avoid repercussions. And being reminded of how small you are. You let them walk all over you because they are in charge and won’t have it any other way.
9:00 They may also be the folks who listen to Dr. Ramani and have become aware of what narcissism is about and have figured a way to navigate the relationship.
No societal power, no influence or advantages.
Just radical acceptance and are done with their BS.
I'm a broke woman of color who fits into this category. I didn't know of narcissism until a few years ago when my daughter informed me that my husband's mother is a narcissist.
I was just talking to my daughter yesterday and figured out that due to a trauma I suffered as a child, I have never had a main character point of view and grew up able to practice radical acceptance. I am highly intelligent, well above average (not bragging, just facts), was often an outsider and now understand why I couldn't understand why people can't accept responsibility & stay childish well into adulthood. I had to be responsible for myself & my children at a young age. I'm glad I am able to protect them & my husband from my mil until they can find the strength to.
I wondered if by going along and pacifying the various narcissists in my life, had I lost? Was I being fake?
After watching this video I realize, wow, that is not the case. By gaining education on NPD from channels such as Dr Ramani's I can see through narcissistic bs, bounce right back and try to protect others around me.
I have come a long way from the anxious woman who would cry in the corner, chin deep in gaslight.
L
My mom had just visited us, i cut all possible themes for any dialogue, she was saying that im the worst, and i can't be soo bad with poor old women, it's a shame be like me. But thankfully to your videos i stopped being hooked by her and letting her unexpectedly hit me any time. And i don't care anymore that the price for my peace is " being bad dauther".
Awesome! Do you ever struggle (like me) to stay 'in' that frame of mind about your mom...like when you're on your own away from her?
@@tamarap387 sure, my mom has all spectrum of narcissistic ppl, but after my second child was born and dhe was able to show me all her attacks varieties - I accepted a decision do not be close with her ever again. If she wants to be a grandma to my kids - that's ok, but not with me, not even a friend.
Anger,sadness,shame and isolation, 14 years later.
Your videos are amazing and very helpful ❤
I'm one of those!!! Tactical master of the narcissist..and it's all because of you Dr. Ramani!!!
Never give in!
This person you described is what I’ll be striving for now. I don’t like this victimhood place I’m in. I like having a goal to work for to better myself.
I think I am becoming a tactitian! So cool, Dr. Ramani. This insight into people who strategically give in but feel no guilt or shame. I’ve been working in my narcissist blighted childhood stuff with therapy and 12-steps for enough time now that I can sometimes be detached and impervious. I feel hope! Thank you.
Thankyou so much for this session. I have been building my life roadmap with hindsight & knowledge gained through listening to you. I now understand my childhood ‘fawn response’ to my Narc Mother, my terrified ‘freeze & submit’ response to a dangerous, violent N husband & subsequent flight to protect my 3 daughters. I was a primary school teacher so university educated & quite empathetic to vulnerability & the need to be strong to protect others. After 39 years of marriage to a now identified Covert Narcissist (through watching your channel), you have, with this session, given me the final piece of the puzzle about how I have come through & landed at the very empowering position of seeing clearly, but with a good sense of humour & empathy, that I am a Narcissist Tactician. I absolutely love that term. I’m almost high on the feelings that I can maintain my relationship with my Narcissist with boundaries in place & a truly ‘fantastic for everyone set of skills’ to ‘tame’ my Narcissist without huge upheaval & misery. Dr Ramani you are truly inspirational.
I would agree with this approach and I think this is the first time you have mentioned this category of people who adopt this attitude towards Narcissists without getting hurt without getting angry, showing understanding and love and moving on with their lives and goals. In the end, it is not unlikely that the "beast" will be tamed and at least at home there will be relative harmony, balance. Thank you
My fawn response grows out of my history of childhood trauma. I prioritized the needs of others and said yes when I meant no. Apparently I was also attracted to precisely the kind of person who elicited the fawn response in me. If I can find anything to be grateful for in my 20 year narcissistic relationship, it is finally coming to understand who and what I was emotionally and in terms of my attachment style and attachment trauma going into this relationship. Hopefully that will help me with whatever time I have left and whatever relationships may be yet to come.
Very informative respected speaker!🎉
This is brilliant & what I have realized is absolutely necessary. Its not easy when empathic but it saves me from absorbing & taking on, their disgusting behavior...
Dr. Ramani, Your dedication to the study of Narcissism is invaluable for many that approach the behavior with a philosophical take. Much credit to fellow scholars publishing the material you study to better educate and inform seekers of wisdom.
Thank You for your presence and consistency.
Excellent video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Since your life isn't over, you can't know that she's the love of your life. You just might find yourself with someone that blows her love out of the water! Concentrate on self-care and healing. And then move on. Sending you strength, courage, and big hugs, from Tulsa..💪⚔️🫂. 🤠
I'm trying this with a covert vulnerable narsissistic mother and it's very hard because my nervous system is really struggling in the Pain Olympics she forces me to participate in. She wants to be the gold mitalist in the biggest victim competition and acts accordingly. The constant sighing, the moaning of tiredness and pain, the sobbing on the sofa, the talking to herself in agony, the instant silent treatment if you don't obey her. It took me months as her caregiver to understand that this is all an act and manipulation. I bought it for almost a year. Finally my childhood makes sense, looking from an adult perspective.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for sharing that the fawn response is involuntary. Even though I’ve been working on recovering from narcissistic abuse for several years now, I had never really brought that into focus. And I have experienced shame around the fawning behavior I’ve engaged in to survive being raised by and the being married to narcissists. Making this connection will help me to forgive myself.
I cherished her so I bent myself into a pretzel to cater for her wants...
Seeing a chiropractor now to straighten out..
🙏✨
I read several comments. GUESS WHAT MY DEALS-WITH-NARC BUDDIES. You all write well. You have greater clarity, organization, and language usage than other people on other pages.
I am moving from my tiptoe ballet to a more progressive jazz move. I have yet to rise above it all, but I am growing. Gratitude and being proud of myself helps. Also Dr. Ramani's tapes saved me. Cheers to the summer solstice and lots of light.
My siblings and I are definitely the ones who can’t be bothered. It’s crazy how far we have come. My narcissist is very predictable because I’ve dealt with it all my life. I’ve done a lot of inner work and therapy which has been helpful. I really just try to show as much compassion as possible which is why I am not easily triggered by it. However, I will speak my mind when necessary or to protect my loved ones from the narcissist.
You can't imagine Dr R... You are my life line!
I think anyone in this situation is a warrior! A survivor! I am there, thank God! I know what to expect, I am SO on top of the asshole…and I am so ready for it! I have paid the price! I know who and what they are…hallelujah! Thanks to you Dr Ramini! I am stronger than he is…wonderful! He hates it! lol!
Brilliant. These Get Into the subtle Details videos are so empowering! The great examples. After watching it, twice, I clearly see that I have a much healthier view of tactically keeping the peace than I thought. I can also clearly see that I have developed a few aspects of immunity. It may not be consistent or dependable, but it sure is Great to know, and gives me a more hopeful view of my future. Once again, I am speechless.
Ugh. Being sweet and charming with angry, abusive men. It makes me sick that I do this, but it kept me safer from abusive dad and brother.
Me too. It’s yucky but I am still here. Sometimes my ego just has to let me be ok with being powerless as a woman with scary men. My father abused me so I understand.
@lauragrolla5916 I'm so sorry 😞. You are self-aware though, which is likely not something he will never be.
I am so glad I found you.
I have a narcissistic mother and adult daughter (who just happen to have been born on the same day 48 years apart) plus an ex-husband?
The amount of abuse I have suffered for over 50 years has really ground me down. The stress has led me to many health problems but I'm plodding on.
Tip-toeing around all of them has been exhausting to say the least.
I distanced myself from my mother a few years ago and my daughter a month ago after she tried to kill her brother (charges have been laid) and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm new to your channel and have been watching your videos relentlessly.
Thank you so much for bringing this subject out into the open. 😊
Hang in there. Keep relentlessly watching Dr. Ramani! It will keep your head clear. ❤
@@lauragrolla5916 Thank you so much. 🥰
Lol, exactly what I am dealing with today. You hear the happy spouse happy life you have to give in to over & over. No, you are dealing with a toxic person and you need to walk!
Thanks for this one...GREAT video. Close to home on this one!
Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪
Hej från Halmstad! 🍓🌸🦋
My grandma was sweden❤
this gave me a whole new perspective. the narcissistic boss examples really hit home for me. i am always scared of the narcissists in my life, and i am always ashamed of my powerlessness. but to know that this kind of person exists... it makes me feel seen.
Yeah, it's constant vigilance and work. The real price we pay is the blowback from our shared social group or family. It's when you realize how low you rank in your own world. The cool cukes who cede to narcs and are seem unbothered don't really bring me much comfort. The more honest people can be around you, often the less they will care about sparing your feelings, and this is quite the contrast to watching them make sure not to rattle the narc, who freely insults those around him with no one standing up for you.
Just spent my entire session discussing this today with my therapist. Older narcissistic sibling. Everyone has spent my entire life bending to her will. I’m criticized more for not doing it than she is for demanding full control in every relationship.
Tactical is a great way forward
We give in to keep as much peace and stability as possible or trying to avoid the toxic chaos they create. For me,remaining silent is giving in. I feel like I’ve lost my voice just to avoid the repercussions of using it.
I was like that most of the time but it adds up
I'm dealing with this now. I appreciate the insight ❤
Thank you.
Golden girl meaning that Romney and watching watching you knew every day. You get educated to navigate those kind of people, so thank you. Thank you.❤
So much of this in academia!!! People study energy for political/social power and it attracts narcs like fireflies. And my relative and several colleagues are the type to just let the narcissist be, save face, can’t be bothered. Many white cis women and some Asian cis men. Tactical relative.
I don’t know but every time I feel I have learnt how to deal with him, here he comes and makes me feel like I’m actually the problem in this relationship. I don’t know when is this going to end!
Thank you for your immense help and support dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤
3 and a half minutes in and I'm crying, finally understanding why I played along after spotting the camera he'd set up without telling me, why I didn't immediately flip out and demand he delete what he'd already filmed without my consent. The shame has been destroying me for years. This explains so much, and I had no idea. Thank you.
I feel this one strongly. I've been doing this for years and it does feel like I gave up on or deny myself.
I need a video on haldling nar adult children...
Love the quality of this video ❤
Hi Dr. Ramani. As always, I enjoy your videos and I can listen to you talk all day about the traits displayed by people who have a "narcissistic personality style" and how to deal or not to deal with them. I don't usually leave a comment because you sum up the topic that you're speaking on, so well that all I can say is "amen."
My mother and my youngest brother display "narcissistic personality style" and they are something to deal with. They don't think that I'm too bright and that I'm very naive. Also, they think that I'm stoic and uncaring because their tactics have little effect on me.
Sadly, what they don't realize is that I love myself, with all my flaws and shortcomings, and I treat people the way I want to be treated. In other words, I love people as I love myself. That's a concept that they will never understand which makes them sad and pitiful in my eyes.
There are three types of people. Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs.
It's like being in a perpetual headlock or a chokehold. Worse when they triangulate to intimidate you into giving in. As if a few moments of peace for yourself is a priviledge you need to earn by giving the narcissists what they want. Even at your expense. Why does this fly?
My cousin is in the immune group and opened my eyes
Awesome!!! Thank you so much!!! 👍❤❤❤
My niece is now in her 20's and in therapy, doing her best to heal from her father's constant rage, paranoia and OCD behavior. Her boyfriend, who was her only way to leave the house, was himself narcissistic. She has never known normal, just like my sister and I didn't. My sister was so caught up in dealing with him that she never thought about giving her child a break. And he moved them to a town with few job opportunities where they made no friends. If you choose to stay with a man like this or can't afford to leave, please reach out to family or friends, anyone who might be willing to provide the kids with a break. These children NEED to know what normal is, even if it is only for a few weeks a year. I live in another state but I would have been glad to pay for summer camp or have her visit me for as long as she wanted. Don't feel so ashamed that you don't ask....
I’m in the middle of your new book right now. It is fantastic! Thank You, Thank You, Dr. Ramani. ❤❤❤
Ya it's like being immune to nettles and poison ivy as you navigate your path up the mountain.
Doctor Ramani, you have helped me navigate that path through your expert navigational lessons to identify the poison plants on my journey up the mountain. Much gratitude for your channel. 💜
My narcissistic older sister doesn't like the way my name is spelt. So I stopped using my name and just referred to myself by my initials. Just to try and not set her off.
Dear Dr. Ramani, thank you for your service and your knowledge. Would like to request more details/ videos on covert narcissist father. Mine is extremely sadistic as well. 🙏
What would I do without this channel?!
Hi Ramani. I have listen to mostly all of your videos and having separated from my ex husband 15 months ago your advice has been invaluable. I have also listened to many other specialists and am in no doubt what I was dealing with was narcarcissm but I am still troubled as he doesn’t seem to completely fit the covert narcacism profile. The things I worry about is he never ever on 45 years spoke about how he felt. He would say initially I love you but never let me know when he was hurt or hurting except through his silence and negativity. He didn’t cheat that I know of.
Thanks!
Thank you so much for this video Dr. Ramani! May I briefly share my experience...I think I may be one of those "narcissistic tacticions" persons, but I was not always like this, it has been a (long) process. This in what concerns working environment relationships and mother-child relationship. I really identified myself with almost all points you have mentioned for those "immune to narcissism" I also think it helps that, although that person at work is my direct manager, it is possible for me to put some "distance" between me and that person at work, as well as from my mother. Needless to say that your videos have also helped a LOT, to don't bother with this person and be very careful what I tell them and what I show when they are present. My peers at work have the same opinion about that person what is also very helpful, as we feel supported by each other and all try to ignore and don't react to this person's BS!
A lot of it is strategic- while I used to be in the first group, now it's more about where and what I'm putting my energy into- would it be worse if I did/didnt capitulate and do I have the energy and time for that. It's easier if you can mentally remove yourself from the situation so their jabs dont hit as personally. I'm not fully in the second group, but it took a ton of inner work and radical acceptance to get to this point- I think it started with service jobs and being able to think how energy zapping it was to put up a fight with narcissistic colleagues or even guests- the faster you give them what they want, the sooner they'll be out of your face and leave you alone (until the next thing comes)
This video could not have come at a better time! My narcissist mother dropped a bomb last night and I am peaceful this morning thanks to your insight 💖
Honestly getting ganged up by my father, mother, and sister....was exhausting. Little details of my life would be under the microscope. One time i purchased a new pair of shoes for myself. (I rarely shop)... they ALL swarmed around me about the independant choices i made to buy those shoes.....i somehow became a shopahilic, out of control..and wild. Really. I questioned myself thinking maybe i am crazy....and they would tell me it's bc they care about me...bc we are family and that OTHER families do much worse. It really is exhausting being in that environment. Constantly walking on eggshells not knowing what will trigger .... will it be me? What i say, what i buy??? I never knew ....The only option was to cut offf all ties. But could there havs been another option? I sometimes think that to myself nowadays