It's never a good idea to fight to keep people in your life, or (to put it another way) to stop people from leaving the relationship. This is not only because it rarely works, but because -- when it does work -- you end up with something that isn't worth fighting for: a high-conflict and unstable relationship. If someone tries to walk out of your life, let them. Don't chase them down. Anyone who walks out must decide to walk back in. Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: th-cam.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/w-d-xo.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: th-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #family
@psychacks I never should have gone back to my boyfriend after I left him twice. Unfortunately, I married him after that and was stuck in a high conflict relationship for 20+ years. I wish I had known what narcissistic personality disorder was back then. My new motto is, don't let the door hit you on the way out, even though my feelings may be hurt. It saves me from a lot of grief later.
I FU$$IN' LOVE YOU SO MUCH, DR!! I LOVE YOUR EMAILS! DAMNIT! WHERE WERE YOU when I was with my ex for 10 years beatin' the crap outta me, tellin' me I was worthless, then had a baby with my sister! TY JESUS! I HAVE THE GIFT of goodbye now! I AIN'T GOT TIME TO WASTE! I'M WORTH IT! LOVE YOU SO MUCH, DR!!!! TYSM for spreading the message of self worth AND how to BE VALUED/ VALUABLE--TO MEN AND to WOMEN! YOU DA MAN!~!!
@@TL-vp8uhPeople who have narcissistic personality disorder do not know they have it. Paradoxically, they make great effort to conceal it from those around them.
I had a woman storm outta my house after grabbing all her things and then waited in her truck for a few minutes hoping I would go out there. Legend says she's still out there waiting.
@kimberlyb6522 it was the most chaotic lil 3 month relationship I every had. The ish she did is stuff you see in movies and on TV shows. Definitely learned some hard lessons with that 1.
^^^ Holding hand up and Pleading Guilty as late as last weekend..."Babe I did this and this." she had already commented before on the good things I did for her, she knows I take care of her like no other. She pretty much doesn't care about anyone but herself & I know it without a doubt.
I had a girlfriend in my early 20s who wanted to be chased and made obstacles in the relationship. I remember she said “sometimes we build walls to see who will tear them down.” I told her that I didn’t think that was a very healthy attitude and we broke up. Great choice on my part.
If someone builds a wall, the same person has the task to climb it, go around or tear it down then see if the partner is still waiting on the other side...
@@tamasgyorffy1which they will have no problem doing considering they can take down the wall any time they want. Keep the walls up to better direct people
if they build a wall to see if you will tear it down, you just leave and never go back to see if the wall is still up. Eventually when they tear the wall down(trust me they will), they notice that you are gone. They will never build another wall again for someone else. You have done humanity a big favor.
@Batzarn82 - Sounds like she had been listening to some really bad pop music or watching some dreadful Hollywood rom-coms - and had internalised their c.rappy messages.
@@bobdobalina8910 just got done doing this for 3 months. Then instead of telling me she wants to break up she ghosted me for over a week. I then blocked her on everything.
Since we’re quoting… “My dear, you should hope I am not serious. But I am sincere.” Alan Watts One of my favorites - when they ask you for a “serious relationship”
@@junipersnow1No, you never completely let go of your only son or child. That would be utter madness. You give them enough space to roam but be sure to have your protective shadow over them. Let them make their mistakes and learn but never allow a mistake that will destroy them. Your child is not a partner nor any other romantic relationship. It’s your bloodline we are talking about here. It’s your genetic survival on the line. ✌️
@@Love-yp2fj very true but that's the way we should love as well, without getting attached and understanding that as long as we are alive, anything else in our lives can be replaced..
@@biembagodwin8352 it's pretty hard to love without being attached. I think getting attached is fine. It's just that people should learn to be resilient enough to deal with the pain of letting go.
@@Hollowed2wiz -- Only way a man can avoid getting his heart crushed is by not having attachment. That way when she eventually leaves (women usually leave), he can move on without thinking of self-deletion. Men love romantically. Woman treat husbands as jobs. So, for a woman, when she gets a better offer (in her mind), she leaves without heartbreak because she never had any more attachment than a woman has attachment to her job.
Trying to hold onto people who don’t want to stay often means sacrificing your own peace and self-worth. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let go and make room for those who truly value and reciprocate your efforts.
You can't force people to love you. You can't force people to be attractive to you. No amount of financial sway can make someone be genuine attracted you.
@@icekills1 you can’t let people give terrible reasons for breaking it off. You are enabling bad people. When someone enables someone, that says more about them then that bad person. Why else would you enable that person? Something must be wrong with you
@@marcusmcgraw3519 But a person wanting to leave has the freedom to do that with or without giving a reason. The other person is not enabling, only accepting reality.
@@jomorrow1 that person is enabling someone to give a terrible reason and get away with it. That person is the problem for wanting to be accepted by the other person for “justifying” their reason. How do you not see that this is bad manipulation?
@marcusmcgraw3519 what i am talking about is the end result. Whether it's your fault or not. Weather, you did the right thing for the wrong person. You must accept that the fact you should let people go once they made up their mind. You are only responsible for the thing you can control. not the minds of others.
i recently had a girl I put a lot of effort into to accommodate her at my place over a week, she had a temper tantrum the first day out of the blue and verbally abused me, (i think in BPD) i shut down, and she yelled at me "im leaving" that was my queue to beg her to stay, but i replied calmly "do you have someone coming to pick you up, or would you like me to drop you off somewhere?" the silence was priceless, never felt more stoic. she stormed out still expecting me to chase her, unfortunately i know she would manipulate the stories to her friends that i was an abuser.... all a learning curve, note to self, dont ignore early stage red flags.
Note that people with these types of personality disorders make great effort to conceal their pathology. So go easy on yourself for having ignored red flags. Maybe you did not ignore them because they were intentionally hidden from you. Economically speaking, a posture of psychological openness is a self-imposed liability. You have your vulnerabilities on display and there are plenty of unscrupulous people just waiting for the opportunity. For example, needy people attract sadistic people.
@@lillywang6333 If someone wants to stay they will never make you feel like that they want to leave. If someone wants to be convinced to stay that means that they don't truly want to stay and will eventually leave.
Even if she stays with you but she is not meeting your minimum expectations and she is unwilling to change, then you need to leave. Don't wait for her to leave.
You had me up to the point where you talked about "someone regretting leaving you." Don't nobody regret shit----people do exactly what they want to do, they are leaving because they no longer see any value in you, or they think they can do better elsewhere. So don't worry about somebody regretting anything ... just "move on"!
I started listening to the feeling I got while spending time with several family members and friends in the last 17 years. Up until that point, I was more interested in how MANY friends I had, not in how I felt in their presence. Once I changed my priorities, I ended up exiting the lives of 3 long time friends, a brother, a sister, and my mother. I no longer have that nagging inner voice constantly questioning why I am in these people's lives. I now have far fewer resentments and far greater self respect.
Like always, Desire is NOT negotiable. If you’re doing everything right and your partner is still trying to find their way out, chances are they don’t find you desirable anymore, or they never did. Even if you did fight for the relationship, you humiliated yourself in the process, which further lowers your status in their eyes. Now that dread they felt about you transforms into deep resentment. They essentially feel like they got guilt-tripped into staying by a pathetic loser. Don’t be a pathetic loser, swallow your pride and let them walk away.💯
That isn’t fair to me if that happens. I will not try to keep the partner. But I will not have my reputation ruined for someone else’s actions who doesn’t even deserve to have any friends in the first place. We have to stop giving a pass to horrible people. You are allowing them to control social society and that is weak on your part
I strongly agree about that desire part. I have no obligation to be in a relationship with an undesirable mate. Others can quickly become undesirable themselves if they try to force me.
@@marcusmcgraw3519 agreed, this advice this doctor is giving is just meant for people who want no accountability for being horrible. I can’t understand why bums and losers are being rewarded in this society for doing nothing of value. We have a lot of pathetic people in these comments
@@TheMCat11 Nope, u guys are refusing to accept human nature. You can’t FORCE ANYONE to be grateful. What did doc say? “The game doesn’t run on gratitude”. Even if you invested 20 years into someone, they still have no obligation to desire you. Maybe an obligation to stay loyal…but with no desire this loyalty will quickly become unbearable for both parties. So in the end, any way you look at it often results in both parties going their separate ways. I know this is a hard thing to digest, but regardless of how we feel don’t people still split up every day? Much unnecessary suffering can be avoided if humans stopped operating idealistically, and starting treating/viewing each other more realistically.
@@Khan-rz8qi if you are more valuable than them, they have an obligation to value you. Otherwise, what do our accomplishments mean? If I have a Mercedes and you have a Kia, you are forced to respect me for being better. That is the case and I will attack anyone who challenges me on it, because I have value and it matters much more
@@jzen1455 -- When a woman leaves a relationship, frequently the reason she cites is: "You don't give men enough attention. I found someone else who gives me the attention". The reason is usually BS.
@@jzen1455no way. Ignore women and they ignore you. I dated a 63 yo woman. She enjoyed sex with me a lot and asked to come again one day. I said she can come but its not my business, comes she or not. She was annoyed by the answer and never came. Pretty the same happened with a 57 yo woman. She wanted to come visit me but said a 37 yo guy wants to date her too. I said I don't mind if she goes with the young guy. She also never came.
Yeah and this comes down to the relationship pattern imprint we recieved as children. They are the basis for our self concept and everything that's right and wrong with it.
I only learnt this lesson after divorcing my first wife. For me, fighting to stop someone from leaving was a psychological trauma from parental divorce.
This is so fucking true. Am divorced now, having ended a rather chaotic marriage. Looking back I would have avoided all this had I let her leave when she requested to do so early in our courtship, but I begged and pleaded my case. Her lack of fear of ending that courtship was the start of so much disrespect in our time together. Once she left the house after marriage hoping I'd follow her and beg for her, it gave me space to allow another wonderful woman who is not only agreeable but respectful the over, and the rest is history
I wish I had this advice when I was a younger man. My ex-wife would inject chaos in our lives all the time, sometimes even putting herself in danger. After I left her she called me one night she was drunk at a party and some dude was a jerk, so she stomped off into the night and was lost. I listened very carefully and told her she was not my problem anymore. 13 years divorced and I still get random call from her either she wants me back or I ruined her life, this channel would have saved me so much trouble.
Sadly this does resonate with my experience. Six months into our marriage, my wife came to me and said she thought we’d made a mistake, and was it still possible to have the marriage annulled. She wanted out. I begged. I wept. I promised to go to couples counseling (which we did). What I should have said was, “okay.”
Couples counseling is the last stop at the station, when exiting it you'll have a reference point that you've truly tried. Then proceed swiftly towards door.
@@marcusmcgraw3519exactly, men are the problem for giving worth to women they never earned. They are SO harsh on men. “You can’t attract a woman unless you’re perfect!” But then they allow women to screw everything up and get rewarded for it. It’s easy to see how men are the problem in both dating and society
@@marcusmcgraw3519 in the context of this comment (which you do know because you watched the video), neither women nor men ever get rewarded for chasing. Regardless of the sex that does it, chasing is how you get shit on.
@@marcusmcgraw3519exactly, these men have no problem accepting a woman who chases them, but that’s because they forgive everything they do for bad reasons. Like using the forgiveness to try to get into their pants, when you should be attracting her by being bad and causing mischief instead
@@ChristnThms except other men get EXCITED for that man when a girl chases them. They don’t tell him to cut her off. They tell him to reward her for being clingy, despite the fact that the woman would never do the same the other way around. Men are the problem in dating for being far too lenient on women, just in hopes of being accepted
Every couple of days or weeks I find myself thinking about my past mistakes and regrets. And with this channel I always find myself recentering my focus and attention. Today, I really needed to hear this advice. “Never stand in the way of someone wanting to leave”. Thank you!
Even if she stays with you but she is not meeting your minimum expectations and she is unwilling to change, then you need to leave. Don't wait for her to leave.
Great points. For you all considering marriage, just be aware that kids and cohabitation/ mixed finances, etc. can make this type of situation extremely difficult to manage. If you're not prepared to see your kids ripped away from you, don't have them. If you're not prepared to have your whole home life and finances turned upside and you're life screwed up for months (or even years) don't get married and don't cohabitate. Good luck out there.
Only those who are capable of being alone are capable of love, sharing, and delving into the deepest core of another person-without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other because it is not given by the other.
I get so fucking lonely by myself. I want to feel loved and I want to give love. Sure I can occupy myself and live alone out of necessity. But I very much prefer to be connected with authentic, real, healthy people. Because when I am, it actually enhances my ability to love others.
"Hire slow and fire fast" is a rule I've used in business for years. As soon as I started applying it, I got rid of a few toxic employees and the ones who remained were far happier that the office environment had improved so much. Now I apply it in all my relationships. If you're going in my general direction in life, odds are, you'll be around tomorrow. If you're not... well... Hukana Matata...
I had a woman test me exactly in this manner when I started dating right after my divorce. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I wish I would’ve seen this episode back then. In the end, I left her and married a wonderful, based, feminine woman that doesn’t act out like that. That woman has chased me ever since. Her loss…
A bit late to the party, but he is quoting a book. The quote it's basically a workplace translation on what Orion is saying in the video: make it difficult for people to get in (hire slowly), make it extremely easy to go away (fire quickly)
It's equally wise to practice this in reverse: when reaching a decision to exit a (relationship/friendship/job) don't plan on entertaining appeasements or counteroffers. Once having made the decision, leave with as much grace and dignity as possible and move on without ever looking back.
When women wanted to leave, I let them go. One of them said that I didn’t fight for us. I let them all go you’re free to leave. 🤷🏾♂️ take care. Never will I ever chase a woman if she decides to leave.
I get your point but no relationship is perfect. It takes two to tango, meaning both people must fight for the relationship for it to work. This mentality of “mess up once and you’re gone” is not as alpha as many of these commenters think.
@@nickthompson1812 it’s not about being alpha it is about letting the woman leave when she wants to leave and not be foolish enough to chase her or convince her to stay. Never chased anyone down that didn’t want to stay on their own accord. If that’s me not fighting for the relationship so be it. Shouldn’t be a fight both parties should want to be there and persist through trials and tribs.
This was fire. For some reason, Women have been led to believe that what her value is deemed to you supersedes her actions of disrespect. If you leave it absolutely your responsibility to come back if you want to.
@@GJones247 yeah, man it sucks heavy. Had a girl disrespect me gave her a quick seducing moment and she was coming to find me, but I just could ‘t get it out of my head how she treated me and patronized me.
You got it half right. Good man. Gotta let people be free to go. Although, you actually DO want people to feel "too safe" as you put it, because then they show their true colors, which makes it much easier and faster to vet them and their true personality. Fear is not the basis of respect. Thats a dictatorship. People cannot feel free by feeling fear. True respect is given freely without being scared or forced.
There's a difference between healthy fear and manipulative fear. If you took vows, you should fear breaking them. If you love someone, you should fear hurting them. If you built a life with someone, you should fear destroying it.
@smokingcrab2290 Really awesome point. That makes sense. Although, I'm afraid that isn't the doc's point of view. The doc thinks you can only respect someone who has the power to hurt you but chooses not to. Orion promotes manipulative fear. He has different videos on this specific topic expressing his inaccurate views on it.
@smokingcrab2290 You see exactly what I see ! and you said it perfectly . There is healthy fear , if you take vows, you should fear breaking them ! So true ! If you love someone , you should fear hurting them ! If you built a relationship , you should fear destroying it ! It's so simple!
Great advice! My ex-wife threatened me with divorce 4 times over her feelings on a disagreement for not getting her way (I was 100% faithful and had a good job with good money). Initially I tried and tried to maintain the marriage only out of a sense of Christian duty. But eventually I couldn't deal with her anymore and said go ahead and go, so she filed for divorce (she later blamed me for causing her to divorce me because she said it was my fault for not fighting for her). Even the Bible (1 Corinthians 7) and the Catholic church doesn't force you to tolerate that. If a woman uses the threat of divorce, the correct response is "Ok bye."
Same situation here. My wife has already left me 4 times. We've been separated for 4 weeks now and every night I just scream out of anger. I pray to God to take my rage away. I can't stand this pain. This woman has ruined my life. All because of disagreements
@@smokingcrab2290 I'm sorry man. #1, Stay calm. Don't resign yourself to getting railroaded. Document everything. Orion's advice holds, so let her go and don't let it destroy you. The divorce process is horrible, but you will live and be tougher and stronger on the other side.
@@Champman543 No amount of attention or security was ever enough. No amount of vacations I took her on or housework I did was ever enough. So she found the last limits of my patience and acquiescence.
My first long term girlfriend tried to leave me every six months. I used to beg her to stay. One day I figured out what she was doing and said "fine, go". The look on her face showed me she definitely did not expect that. Too late to take it back. Too proud to admit she was manipulating me. She had to suffer the consequences.
the value you give is more than weeks of sessions of paid consultations with out-of-touch therapists, from my experience. This advice is very hard to follow but still the best regardless of the feeling. Thanks so much, Orion.
"...don't fight to keep people in your life" - best advice EVER. I learned this a long long time ago. The wisdom of that admonition was a very difficult thing for me to accept. Probably the best and most helpful lesson I ever learned.
Finding partners or friends and maintaining healthy relationship with them is one crucial part of life. When I watch your videos, I feel like I have never been given the proper tools for this. I hope that if I ever have children, I can teach them what you taught me.
Exactly the same way sex should be treated. Once this is no longer freely given (ie: it feels like a chore) - stop engaging in it with your spouse/gf. It's something that BOTH parties should want to engage in. Don't beg. Don't explain. If it's no longer freely and enthusiastically on the table - go source it out.
@MonessaLeigh for some people, leaving is definitely the correct option (assuming no kids will suffer). But there are cases where everything is actually working - financially working well, relationship is good, family life is good - but intimacy/attraction has already taken its leave.
Very wise words and well presented. The value of letting go is specially true for stifling parents who can’t let go of children leaving the nest, a form of control that can mar future family relationships
It also applies to kids that won't let go of their parents and won't fly the nest. My 23yo daughter has become dependent on her mum since wife left the marriage when daughter was 19. Part of the reason is my ex panders to our daughters insecurities. She needed a bit more tough love and now she is stuck
This is how I've been for 20 years, since my second relationship. Always been perfectly satisfied with my own company. Whenever a woman has tested me by threatening to leave I say 'go on then' & retract all of my attention from her. She says 'omg why won't you fight for me, you're x, y, and z ad hominem attack'... I say 'I'm not going to fight you... for you. You're choosing to act like this, if you want to be with me then just choose to stop it. If you don't, then go. You don't get to emotionally torture me to assuage your attachment insecurities.' She typically is apologizing profusely within 24h, once she's certain I'm 100% serious, and her behavior returns to normal for a few weeks or months before she creates another drama.
@@chipsteve We can't all go hunting for unicorns, some of us break the local wild horses to the saddle. They buck occasionally, but it reduces every time you show it doesn't work.
@@yunggolem4687 I like the way you think. It's more realistic than the modern view of just let the other person go after any sign of inconvenience. If we just keep letting go all of our dating prospects, there will be nobody left to let go of. The illusion of abundance and better options is really creating an unfulfilling dating scene
This is the single most important and wise video ever posted by this channel. This should be applied to all areas of life. Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated.
This absolutely fits my experience. Dated a woman who routinely would walk away from our relationship and I’d go running after her. Never again. Learned the hard way.
People reconcile all of the time. And it’s usually after they regret leaving you. But how it happens isn’t always them coming back to you first. Sometimes, or rather in reality, you both are missing what each other brought to the table. And growth and maturity causes you to feel empathy for the other. So when you eventually reconnect , those feelings show up again. And a new relationship is born. Be it with a previous lover, friend or family.
I have sometimes stayed in relationships, including friendships, out of guilt. I knew exiting their lives would hurt them but I've learned to let go. Sometimes you're the one that's leaving and that's also okay, or necessary, and you're not doing it out of cruelty or lack of respect you just have your reasons.
If she already desires you, then you make fun of her for liking you and she walks away, then you win and can have her whenever you want. Don’t let women think they can have control they’ve never earned
@@Jan-qv8ku yet the woman found me attractive. If the woman does the same thing the other way around, people assume the man is the problem. Why wouldn’t you do the same here?
@@TheMCat11 -- Women instinctively manipulate men 90% of the time without even being fully aware of it. They are gifted about it and 100x better than men in the manipulation game. Men need to be aware of women's game in order to avoid getting manipulated. Some men learn the game well and beat the women in their own game.
Don't take 'em back if they walk out on you. It's like dog training: they leave, you take them back, and they've learned they can pull whatever BS that happened when they walked and you'll take them back. For me, I've learned the hard way that i can't ever trust anyone who's left.
And take them by their actions, if they prove to be unreliable and not loyal they indeed are exactly that! Don't gaslight your self to believe anything else
I was in a protracted situationship with a woman who was trying to explain to me that many men desired her (I think Taraban likes to call that high optionality or something like that) and, while she had a point, I simply said "I'll never compete for your love and affection. I can freely love you, with all of your flaws. If you cannot do the same then you have something I do not want or need" and it was probably the first time in her life that she was talked to in that way. The look on her face was something to behold. I mostly agree with the spirit of what he's saying here. I'd add that it's not always the case that the other person is going to make that decision to leave the relationship. Sometimes you have to make that decision on behalf of the other person. In whatever relationship that you're considering, you should always be considering whether or not the relationship is working for both parties and if it is not then it is an unhealthy relationship and ties should be severed (even if you're the one who is benefitting from the relationship). Relationships should be symbiotic, not parasitic.
Indeed, I left because I just felt that the other person doesn't want me but wants to morph me into something they want. Split was amicable and, in my opinion, best possible solution.
Always remember, she is not your girl, its just your turn. Most guys are too low value, live in scarcity and have oneitis which is very unattractive. This video is also excellent reasoning of why marriage can be so dangerous and divorce rates can be so high. She now has the leverage and power, and will probably misbehave as a result.
This resonates on many levels. To add to the last point would be to make sure, when that someone comes back, make sure that you yourself don't accept them back out of pity. It may be so that there are a lot of tears and 'I miss you's just to influence your heartstrings. This is where you have to also know what you want and be willing to say 'No, that ship has sailed'.
This is one of his best videos. It sounds simple until you have to actually do it. The key I’ve discovered is to be super high quality yourself. Eat clean , exercise dress we’ll groom well and smell good. Have your shot together and rule with an iron fist. Don’t be a tyrant but be direct. If you think you can do better I’ll never stand in your way, but make not mistake here are my boundaries if you violate them or threaten chaos. You’re out.
Me too. Now I don't wait for her to dump me. I dump my woman if I realize she is losing interest in me and she has started acting difficult. If she turns cold, I am done with her.
As someone that fell in love over 2 years with a dismissive avoidant. I needed this. She took a secure person and brought anxiousness I've never known. She knows how to find me if she decides to get serious about her wounded past.
I fought for years to save my marriage, she had me jumping through hoops while she did nothing. The best thing I ever did was walk away. As you say, don't fight to keep people in your life, if they don't want to be with you let them go.
Less people is less problems. Also realize that a lot of motivation to chase is ego based. Its the percieved rejection by the other person that implies one is flawed and so to avoid this hit to self esteem and self worth, one may be tempted to prove their value. Reduce ego, and indifference will be second nature. Indifference to both admiration and rejection. Finally, never care more for people than they allow you to care. If they don't care to leave, you shouldn't either.
@@junipersnow1 I understand what you feel. My parents quit speaking to my siblings and though initially it hurt, they over time was glad to not have the stress. I'm not on speaking terms with most of my family. What happens is most people chase their investments ( time, money, etc.) What I do, is judge the individuals behavior, actions etc. I learned to ignore the relationship of the individual ( ie. Friend, lover, family)because its irrelevant. Some folks are no longer worth any more time or investment. Some people are just no longer compatible. And past history are irrelevant. Its like sitting at a slot machine. You may have put a thousand dollars into it, it may have even paid a few wins, but once you continuously lose, don't chase and walk away. People should be viewed the same. It'll hurt, but not as much as trying to change an ungrateful person.
@@junipersnow1 -- advice is not the same for close family members. If they cut you off, then you have to respect their boundary but you should tell them you still love them unconditionally and you will welcome them when they are ready to let you in their life again.
Reminds me a lot of Mark Manson's "F*** Yes or No" Something which I wish I had learned AND believed much earlier in my life... Also, this applies to employers who "walk out on you" as well. Don't sue them, don't fight for your job back... as you said, Pyrrhic victory... Save that energy for the next one who actually values you. Why did it take me so long to learn this?!?! Oh yeah, my parents crapped all over my self-esteem.
" If U Love somebody, If U loove someone, set them free...free, free, .. .set them free... " So many relationships are based on fear, terrorism, unspoken leverage, and hidden agendas... Do not let yourself push into the corner!
I liked and agree with this talk. I think the whole "peaceful, door is always open" is personality driven. I agree that for most people they should have peaceful relations. But I think some relationships have a tempestuous dynamic that both parties may enjoy perhaps. The "there's the door, you can always exit" type advice or attitude is very interesting to me. I think Orion is right that in setting boundaries and blatantly stating where those boundaries are does warn away a partner from "edgy, relationship risky" behavior. But in practice... with many western people I don't think this works well. First off I don't believe that many younger people these days have any clue about correct relationship behavior. (they seem to get in so few relationships these days) Also I don't think that "warnings" or "wise words" will work these days. In some situations sure. But these days it appears there are frequent faux pas that will end a relationship, usually by ignorance of any true boundary that may be crossed. And let's face it... as we progress into the future it appears there are fewer and fewer potential partners that don't have significant issues in relationship dynamics. The good competent partners get coupled up quickly and as time goes on the ones "not" relationship material become the vast majority.
One of your best O.T. Thanks man. That urge to fix things can be overpowering…to the detriment of your own dignity. Needed to hear this too…the timing is uncanny.
Love this!!! It’s a harsh truth but it is absolutely true! I would advise anyone to take your approach, the anti-cult!! Let people know they can lose you and let them know where the door is!! Wish I’d realized this sooner!❤
I remember watching 1 d guy wen 2 d house of the guy his girl was sleeping with and started shouting i love u.. Den d girl came down 2 him and dey lived happily ever after.. I did d same shiit in my 20s.. I got friendzoned sooo hard😂
We have a saying among our friends: "Hollywood lied to us." All those romantic moments and behaviors you see are actually silly and unrealistic. Try to do what a guy does in a romantic movie, and you will be seen by her and her friends/family as weird, weak or worse as a stalker. So, if you can, save your time and energy, go to the gym and kill that mental anguish.
I've been following this advice for some years. Works, time and time again. Just don't push people to do (and say) things and they'll be more likely to do the said things.
This video entirely captures my current situation and is the best advice I’ve heard so far. It means my marriage would have to change to a LDR. I’m not willing to do that so it’s likely a divorce is on the horizon. It’s now her decision to walk back through that door. Unlikely but I’ll give her the opportunity for a short time frame.
This is excellent advice and I personally know it works from experience. However one thing the bases of respect is not fear, is love. People obey because of fear and they respect out of Love.
What I always say.. if you love something set it free.. if it comes back it is yours, If not, it was never!! I used that a few times in my life.. I don’t sit around and wait, but I give myself time to work through my emotions. It hurts all the same .. 🤷🏻♀️💔
The issue is, that men are differently wired then women. She goes out, "enjoyes" her options and when she "realizes" that she gave up on something worthy, she already did what was most sacred to the man. Thats why many cultures didnt even allow at all for women to make this type of decisions, because they understood how much they lack rationality and maturity overall. So you end up with a broken society, where men dont trust and unable to love and women with irreparabel regets.
And what's your solution regrading your belief that "women lack rationality and maturity?" To enslave them into "no options?" Here's some heavy realism for you: the vast majority of women have top notch selection radars (their emotions are worth 100 male "rationalities"), except that under monogamy most must simply settle. If the woman wants to leave - she has her reasons; and since she is part of the relationships, those reasons MATTER. Now that she has options, including that of solo living, without having to put up with a bad or even unsatisfying relationship just to be able to eat and save face - most men naturally bemoan the situation. Instead of complaining about women's "immaturity" and exit options, and how they need to have their agency taken away from them (do you hear yourself?), how about focus on finding a woman who's sufficiently inspired by you where she'd want to be with you even if she didn't need to. Too difficult? Ah. But think about it: how beautiful is that?
Men are not the super rational beings that you wish they were, either. There's profound wisdom in the phrase "men have two heads, but only enough blood to think with one." After all, who is it that is begging women for sex? Men.
@@roses6564 you bring 2 questions into focus: 1) if as you imply, it's a good thing that we are not all bound by monogamy - then why is it overwhelmingly women pushing for monogamy with the men they desire? 2) if as you explicitly state, it is a good thing that women can exercise their options today - then why do "experienced" women (in the VAST MAJORITY of cases) always deceive the men they desire about how they have exercised their options?
@@roses6564 Im in a polygamy IN THE WEST, so all of your ad hominem are literally pointless. I couldnt care less about your moral views. Eitherway you can prove to me that the values which you derive your morality are objectively given, or stop bothering us all with your meaningless and baseless subjectivity. Your whole arugment is on the pre assumtion that women (in generall) are capable enough to understand what an inspiring man is. What eventually in REALITY happens, is that most of you want a slave to jump whenever youre in emotional need, regardless how embarrassing it gets. I hope that you get some sons and then you will get to a heavy realization how reality works. Youre so deep in your individualism, that the question is not if society will crumble, but when will it happen.
From my experience with someone for 8 years she wanted to go. And did. I did everything he said not to do. She came back and did it again 2 years later. Me still listing all the ways I was there for her and her son…that was met with resentment and anger. To keep it 💯 I finally got to a place last week , I told her I should have let her go and if she doesn’t see my worth that has nothing to do with me. I appreciate her and I guess I needed to learn how to let others go and stand on my worth and love for myself 🎉🎉. This was right on time. Thank you sr.
Wow 😮!!! Totally wish I would’ve heard this advice 6 to 8 months ago. Thank You sir, simple, straightforward, no bs, and to the point. Thank You so much.
The ones that try to get you back can be used as evidence of your desirability for new ones in the future. The more women that chase you, the more women that chase you.
@@elinope4745 exactly, I keep receipts of every double text or good morning text I have to prove how much better I am than others. They never question me after
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
It's never a good idea to fight to keep people in your life, or (to put it another way) to stop people from leaving the relationship. This is not only because it rarely works, but because -- when it does work -- you end up with something that isn't worth fighting for: a high-conflict and unstable relationship. If someone tries to walk out of your life, let them. Don't chase them down. Anyone who walks out must decide to walk back in.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #family
@psychacks I never should have gone back to my boyfriend after I left him twice. Unfortunately, I married him after that and was stuck in a high conflict relationship for 20+ years. I wish I had known what narcissistic personality disorder was back then. My new motto is, don't let the door hit you on the way out, even though my feelings may be hurt. It saves me from a lot of grief later.
I FU$$IN' LOVE YOU SO MUCH, DR!! I LOVE YOUR EMAILS! DAMNIT! WHERE WERE YOU when I was with my ex for 10 years beatin' the crap outta me, tellin' me I was worthless, then had a baby with my sister! TY JESUS! I HAVE THE GIFT of goodbye now! I AIN'T GOT TIME TO WASTE! I'M WORTH IT! LOVE YOU SO MUCH, DR!!!! TYSM for spreading the message of self worth AND how to BE VALUED/ VALUABLE--TO MEN AND to WOMEN! YOU DA MAN!~!!
Why not tell men?
To be like a Head coach
And don't be afraid of releasing women
@@TL-vp8uhPeople who have narcissistic personality disorder do not know they have it. Paradoxically, they make great effort to conceal it from those around them.
I had a woman storm outta my house after grabbing all her things and then waited in her truck for a few minutes hoping I would go out there. Legend says she's still out there waiting.
Damn 😅
@kimberlyb6522 it was the most chaotic lil 3 month relationship I every had. The ish she did is stuff you see in movies and on TV shows. Definitely learned some hard lessons with that 1.
You dropped this. 👑
I think I saw her
@@420villain 🤣🤣🤣
Who else chuckles to themselves when you see a video on a topic it took years for you to learn?
It's taken years for me to learn what does not work, but his videos are now giving me the why it does not work.
Hahaha yes that's some of the the best.jokes of the human experience 😂
^^^ Holding hand up and Pleading Guilty as late as last weekend..."Babe I did this and this." she had already commented before on the good things I did for her, she knows I take care of her like no other. She pretty much doesn't care about anyone but herself & I know it without a doubt.
I’m felt the same way lol
Me turning 34 last week and really fine tuning this lesson lmao - you'll end up miserable fighting and chasing for people that don't want you
"You must love in such a way that the other person feels free" - Thich Nhat Hanh.
Viet (Buddhist) Wisdom
In other words, learn to not love and still enjoy the time.
Love this!!
@SayfumaniMyG that's not the meaning..
@Chris-es3wf yes it is.
When people love someone else, they begin to believe they own that person and are entitled to them
I had a girlfriend in my early 20s who wanted to be chased and made obstacles in the relationship. I remember she said “sometimes we build walls to see who will tear them down.” I told her that I didn’t think that was a very healthy attitude and we broke up. Great choice on my part.
If someone builds a wall, the same person has the task to climb it, go around or tear it down then see if the partner is still waiting on the other side...
@@tamasgyorffy1which they will have no problem doing considering they can take down the wall any time they want. Keep the walls up to better direct people
if they build a wall to see if you will tear it down, you just leave and never go back to see if the wall is still up. Eventually when they tear the wall down(trust me they will), they notice that you are gone. They will never build another wall again for someone else. You have done humanity a big favor.
@Batzarn82 - Sounds like she had been listening to some really bad pop music or watching some dreadful Hollywood rom-coms - and had internalised their c.rappy messages.
@wiseonwords Yeah too many rom coms and too much bad girly music. She was always nuts but she was hot which only gets you by for so long.
Boils down to this
Don't make someone a PRIORITY, when they only make you an OPTION.
Well said man! I love It!
“Situationships.”
@@bobdobalina8910 just got done doing this for 3 months. Then instead of telling me she wants to break up she ghosted me for over a week. I then blocked her on everything.
Just remember that the person leaving you is very different from the one that fell in love with you
Yes. Most men forget that and beg her to come back.
Or maybe they are the same, they just saw something else in you this time that wasn’t there before or perhaps that they didn’t notice before.
Or maybe you were in love with a fantasy?
@@mateor7302 This is the most accurate response
Not all the time. Some people never change
“If you love something set it free” means you freeing yourself from the attachment.
Yeah & it means never having a monogamous agreement. Women like the whole Sting aesthetic, but seem to miss that part.
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose- Master Yoda
Since we’re quoting…
“My dear, you should hope I am not serious. But I am sincere.” Alan Watts
One of my favorites - when they ask you for a “serious relationship”
@@junipersnow1 Let them go.
@@junipersnow1No, you never completely let go of your only son or child. That would be utter madness. You give them enough space to roam but be sure to have your protective shadow over them. Let them make their mistakes and learn but never allow a mistake that will destroy them. Your child is not a partner nor any other romantic relationship. It’s your bloodline we are talking about here. It’s your genetic survival on the line. ✌️
First rule of dating is "always be ready to let them go.' A tree doesn't hold on to old leaves for it knows new leaves always come up.
That’s because a tree doesn’t really have feelings towards the leaves
@@Love-yp2fj very true but that's the way we should love as well, without getting attached and understanding that as long as we are alive, anything else in our lives can be replaced..
@@biembagodwin8352 it's pretty hard to love without being attached.
I think getting attached is fine. It's just that people should learn to be resilient enough to deal with the pain of letting go.
@@Hollowed2wiz very true, emotions are something else.
@@Hollowed2wiz -- Only way a man can avoid getting his heart crushed is by not having attachment. That way when she eventually leaves (women usually leave), he can move on without thinking of self-deletion. Men love romantically. Woman treat husbands as jobs. So, for a woman, when she gets a better offer (in her mind), she leaves without heartbreak because she never had any more attachment than a woman has attachment to her job.
When bad people walk out of your life consider it a gift.
100 per cent FACT!
But what if they're good people?
@@ecurb10doesn’t matter there is billions. Dont force what’s not working.
duuuuur genius
Letting go is one of the hardest and yet one of the most rewarding things to do.
very true.
Trying to hold onto people who don’t want to stay often means sacrificing your own peace and self-worth. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let go and make room for those who truly value and reciprocate your efforts.
You can't force people to love you. You can't force people to be attractive to you. No amount of financial sway can make someone be genuine attracted you.
@@icekills1 you can’t let people give terrible reasons for breaking it off. You are enabling bad people. When someone enables someone, that says more about them then that bad person. Why else would you enable that person? Something must be wrong with you
@@marcusmcgraw3519 But a person wanting to leave has the freedom to do that with or without giving a reason. The other person is not enabling, only accepting reality.
@@jomorrow1 that person is enabling someone to give a terrible reason and get away with it. That person is the problem for wanting to be accepted by the other person for “justifying” their reason. How do you not see that this is bad manipulation?
@marcusmcgraw3519 what i am talking about is the end result. Whether it's your fault or not. Weather, you did the right thing for the wrong person. You must accept that the fact you should let people go once they made up their mind. You are only responsible for the thing you can control. not the minds of others.
i recently had a girl I put a lot of effort into to accommodate her at my place over a week, she had a temper tantrum the first day out of the blue and verbally abused me, (i think in BPD) i shut down, and she yelled at me "im leaving" that was my queue to beg her to stay, but i replied calmly "do you have someone coming to pick you up, or would you like me to drop you off somewhere?" the silence was priceless, never felt more stoic. she stormed out still expecting me to chase her, unfortunately i know she would manipulate the stories to her friends that i was an abuser.... all a learning curve, note to self, dont ignore early stage red flags.
Yes. We are all walking billboards. Everything we say & do shows people who we are. We can't be any other way.
Note that people with these types of personality disorders make great effort to conceal their pathology. So go easy on yourself for having ignored red flags. Maybe you did not ignore them because they were intentionally hidden from you. Economically speaking, a posture of psychological openness is a self-imposed liability. You have your vulnerabilities on display and there are plenty of unscrupulous people just waiting for the opportunity. For example, needy people attract sadistic people.
Don't fight for those you have to convince to stay. Fight for those who choose not to leave.
But why would you need to fight for someone who is already willing to stay?
@@lillywang6333 If someone wants to stay they will never make you feel like that they want to leave. If someone wants to be convinced to stay that means that they don't truly want to stay and will eventually leave.
What if she chnages her mind when she sees you fight for her
@@mattvalensShe’s just playing you. Next.
Even if she stays with you but she is not meeting your minimum expectations and she is unwilling to change, then you need to leave. Don't wait for her to leave.
You had me up to the point where you talked about "someone regretting leaving you."
Don't nobody regret shit----people do exactly what they want to do, they are leaving because they no longer see any value in you, or they think they can do better elsewhere.
So don't worry about somebody regretting anything ... just "move on"!
💯
I started listening to the feeling I got while spending time with several family members and friends in the last 17 years. Up until that point, I was more interested in how MANY friends I had, not in how I felt in their presence. Once I changed my priorities, I ended up exiting the lives of 3 long time friends, a brother, a sister, and my mother. I no longer have that nagging inner voice constantly questioning why I am in these people's lives. I now have far fewer resentments and far greater self respect.
Like always, Desire is NOT negotiable. If you’re doing everything right and your partner is still trying to find their way out, chances are they don’t find you desirable anymore, or they never did. Even if you did fight for the relationship, you humiliated yourself in the process, which further lowers your status in their eyes. Now that dread they felt about you transforms into deep resentment. They essentially feel like they got guilt-tripped into staying by a pathetic loser. Don’t be a pathetic loser, swallow your pride and let them walk away.💯
That isn’t fair to me if that happens. I will not try to keep the partner. But I will not have my reputation ruined for someone else’s actions who doesn’t even deserve to have any friends in the first place. We have to stop giving a pass to horrible people. You are allowing them to control social society and that is weak on your part
I strongly agree about that desire part. I have no obligation to be in a relationship with an undesirable mate. Others can quickly become undesirable themselves if they try to force me.
@@marcusmcgraw3519 agreed, this advice this doctor is giving is just meant for people who want no accountability for being horrible. I can’t understand why bums and losers are being rewarded in this society for doing nothing of value. We have a lot of pathetic people in these comments
@@TheMCat11 Nope, u guys are refusing to accept human nature. You can’t FORCE ANYONE to be grateful. What did doc say? “The game doesn’t run on gratitude”. Even if you invested 20 years into someone, they still have no obligation to desire you. Maybe an obligation to stay loyal…but with no desire this loyalty will quickly become unbearable for both parties. So in the end, any way you look at it often results in both parties going their separate ways. I know this is a hard thing to digest, but regardless of how we feel don’t people still split up every day? Much unnecessary suffering can be avoided if humans stopped operating idealistically, and starting treating/viewing each other more realistically.
@@Khan-rz8qi if you are more valuable than them, they have an obligation to value you. Otherwise, what do our accomplishments mean? If I have a Mercedes and you have a Kia, you are forced to respect me for being better. That is the case and I will attack anyone who challenges me on it, because I have value and it matters much more
"People are more likely to feel resentful of your reminding them of your good works than grateful."
Bars, right? Real talk right there 👍
The power of walking away and letting go does wonders
Facts
quit your job then hero. thought so.
@@mkf628 what are you talking about lol
"If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you because no one wants them, let them go again!"
@@joellanderson5137 😂😂😂
😂😂😂
Lmao 😂🎉
@@joellanderson5137 😂😂😂well put!
As someone whose been dating for over 20 years, I've learn the hard way that the more I try to hold onto someone, the more they run away.
The more aloof, avoidant, and legitimately indifferent I am about people, the more they try to insert themselves into my life.
@@jzen1455 -- When a woman leaves a relationship, frequently the reason she cites is: "You don't give men enough attention. I found someone else who gives me the attention". The reason is usually BS.
@@jzen1455no way. Ignore women and they ignore you.
I dated a 63 yo woman. She enjoyed sex with me a lot and asked to come again one day. I said she can come but its not my business, comes she or not. She was annoyed by the answer and never came.
Pretty the same happened with a 57 yo woman. She wanted to come visit me but said a 37 yo guy wants to date her too. I said I don't mind if she goes with the young guy. She also never came.
@@rayrwyrits not BS
Could it be that the ones you’re indifferent towards are just a lot less attractive than the ones you’re keen on?
Gotta have a good relationship with oneself (self esteem + boundaries) before you can have a good one with another
Yeah and this comes down to the relationship pattern imprint we recieved as children. They are the basis for our self concept and everything that's right and wrong with it.
This is partially true. I think we need good relationships with others to aslo have good relationships with ourselves. No man is an island.
I only learnt this lesson after divorcing my first wife. For me, fighting to stop someone from leaving was a psychological trauma from parental divorce.
This is so fucking true. Am divorced now, having ended a rather chaotic marriage. Looking back I would have avoided all this had I let her leave when she requested to do so early in our courtship, but I begged and pleaded my case. Her lack of fear of ending that courtship was the start of so much disrespect in our time together. Once she left the house after marriage hoping I'd follow her and beg for her, it gave me space to allow another wonderful woman who is not only agreeable but respectful the over, and the rest is history
Waah
Totally agree.
How long were you with her?
You love women too much.
edgy swear words.
A broken heart is a good way to learn this. The younger the better.
cry more
I wish I had this advice when I was a younger man. My ex-wife would inject chaos in our lives all the time, sometimes even putting herself in danger. After I left her she called me one night she was drunk at a party and some dude was a jerk, so she stomped off into the night and was lost. I listened very carefully and told her she was not my problem anymore. 13 years divorced and I still get random call from her either she wants me back or I ruined her life, this channel would have saved me so much trouble.
Based on what you wrote you did everything right. How would this advice have changed what you did?
@BodyByBenSLC My ex used to contact me occasionally. Finally, I had enough and told her, "I don't work for you anymore!"
If you want her to move on, block her
@@unaa9380 They have a child together I don’t think blocking her is an option in this case
This is like taking medicine that you really don't like, but you know that it will keep you alive.
Sadly this does resonate with my experience. Six months into our marriage, my wife came to me and said she thought we’d made a mistake, and was it still possible to have the marriage annulled. She wanted out. I begged. I wept. I promised to go to couples counseling (which we did).
What I should have said was, “okay.”
Never too late to let her go.
You lived that awful experience and now you can pass it on
She probably has cheated already
Couples counseling is the last stop at the station, when exiting it you'll have a reference point that you've truly tried. Then proceed swiftly towards door.
Live and learn.
100%
Better to be alone than to chase.
Then why do you guys reward women for chasing you? Are you saying they should be treated better than other men and put on a pedestal?
@@marcusmcgraw3519exactly, men are the problem for giving worth to women they never earned. They are SO harsh on men. “You can’t attract a woman unless you’re perfect!” But then they allow women to screw everything up and get rewarded for it. It’s easy to see how men are the problem in both dating and society
@@marcusmcgraw3519 in the context of this comment (which you do know because you watched the video), neither women nor men ever get rewarded for chasing. Regardless of the sex that does it, chasing is how you get shit on.
@@marcusmcgraw3519exactly, these men have no problem accepting a woman who chases them, but that’s because they forgive everything they do for bad reasons. Like using the forgiveness to try to get into their pants, when you should be attracting her by being bad and causing mischief instead
@@ChristnThms except other men get EXCITED for that man when a girl chases them. They don’t tell him to cut her off. They tell him to reward her for being clingy, despite the fact that the woman would never do the same the other way around. Men are the problem in dating for being far too lenient on women, just in hopes of being accepted
This was excellent. Never plead for anybody's attention, love, etc. It is demoralizing. 😢
That's not what he said. You females keep chosing to hear what u wanna hear
Every couple of days or weeks I find myself thinking about my past mistakes and regrets. And with this channel I always find myself recentering my focus and attention. Today, I really needed to hear this advice. “Never stand in the way of someone wanting to leave”. Thank you!
Even if she stays with you but she is not meeting your minimum expectations and she is unwilling to change, then you need to leave. Don't wait for her to leave.
Great points. For you all considering marriage, just be aware that kids and cohabitation/ mixed finances, etc. can make this type of situation extremely difficult to manage. If you're not prepared to see your kids ripped away from you, don't have them. If you're not prepared to have your whole home life and finances turned upside and you're life screwed up for months (or even years) don't get married and don't cohabitate.
Good luck out there.
As they say, your risk of exiting life via skydiving is zero if you never go skydiving…
Months? Usually it takes several years to recover from a divorce after a long marriage.
You are right - women, you can become a single parent while the man walks free its a mess out there 😢
@@ThePossumone Absolutely. Men should help women by refusing to have kids with them.
Only those who are capable of being alone are capable of love, sharing, and delving into the deepest core of another person-without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other because it is not given by the other.
💯
This should be apart of the universal relationship constitution
I get so fucking lonely by myself. I want to feel loved and I want to give love. Sure I can occupy myself and live alone out of necessity. But I very much prefer to be connected with authentic, real, healthy people. Because when I am, it actually enhances my ability to love others.
@@smokingcrab2290💯
"Hire slow and fire fast" is a rule I've used in business for years. As soon as I started applying it, I got rid of a few toxic employees and the ones who remained were far happier that the office environment had improved so much. Now I apply it in all my relationships. If you're going in my general direction in life, odds are, you'll be around tomorrow. If you're not... well... Hukana Matata...
I had a woman test me exactly in this manner when I started dating right after my divorce. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I wish I would’ve seen this episode back then. In the end, I left her and married a wonderful, based, feminine woman that doesn’t act out like that. That woman has chased me ever since. Her loss…
“hire slowly and fire quickly”
The Unplugged Alpha
Richard Cooper
This is why the whirlwind romance atmosphere of The Bachelor and Bachelorette TV show will not work.
Rich Cooper is mostly an idiot and the quote predates him
@@wildbill562 care to elaborate?
A bit late to the party, but he is quoting a book. The quote it's basically a workplace translation on what Orion is saying in the video: make it difficult for people to get in (hire slowly), make it extremely easy to go away (fire quickly)
@@h24anderant64 but in the bachelorette its exactly that? hard to get in, easy to go away?
If a woman runs out of your apartment - lock the door.
@@ТимурГараев-й7л NGL if a woman is running out your apartment , either there’s a fire or you’re being weird.
@Sparky-if9sn or she's dumb
@@ТимурГараев-й7л naaa yall funny for this one 🤣🤣🤣🤣
you probably never had that happen.
@@mkf628 yea, they never ran
You can't lose something you've never had. They were on rental in the first place. If someone wants to go, help them go, they're doing you a favor.
100% correct! A simple but golden rule.
It's equally wise to practice this in reverse: when reaching a decision to exit a (relationship/friendship/job) don't plan on entertaining appeasements or counteroffers. Once having made the decision, leave with as much grace and dignity as possible and move on without ever looking back.
Women do this because they have tons of options to explore.
When women wanted to leave, I let them go. One of them said that I didn’t fight for us. I let them all go you’re free to leave. 🤷🏾♂️ take care. Never will I ever chase a woman if she decides to leave.
I get your point but no relationship is perfect. It takes two to tango, meaning both people must fight for the relationship for it to work. This mentality of “mess up once and you’re gone” is not as alpha as many of these commenters think.
@@nickthompson1812 it’s not about being alpha it is about letting the woman leave when she wants to leave and not be foolish enough to chase her or convince her to stay. Never chased anyone down that didn’t want to stay on their own accord. If that’s me not fighting for the relationship so be it. Shouldn’t be a fight both parties should want to be there and persist through trials and tribs.
This was fire.
For some reason, Women have been led to believe that what her value is deemed to you supersedes her actions of disrespect.
If you leave it absolutely your responsibility to come back if you want to.
Can you rephrase that?
@@smokingcrab2290 Women believe no matter how they treat you, if you truly care about them then you will continue to pursue them.
@@GJones247 yeah, man it sucks heavy. Had a girl disrespect me gave her a quick seducing moment and she was coming to find me, but I just could ‘t get it out of my head how she treated me and patronized me.
@@YoLoBrOtHeR There is always another woman around the corner.
You got it half right. Good man. Gotta let people be free to go. Although, you actually DO want people to feel "too safe" as you put it, because then they show their true colors, which makes it much easier and faster to vet them and their true personality.
Fear is not the basis of respect. Thats a dictatorship. People cannot feel free by feeling fear. True respect is given freely without being scared or forced.
Well put
There's a difference between healthy fear and manipulative fear. If you took vows, you should fear breaking them. If you love someone, you should fear hurting them. If you built a life with someone, you should fear destroying it.
@smokingcrab2290 Really awesome point. That makes sense. Although, I'm afraid that isn't the doc's point of view. The doc thinks you can only respect someone who has the power to hurt you but chooses not to. Orion promotes manipulative fear. He has different videos on this specific topic expressing his inaccurate views on it.
@smokingcrab2290
You see exactly what I see !
and you said it perfectly . There is healthy fear , if you take vows, you should fear breaking them ! So true !
If you love someone , you should fear hurting them !
If you built a relationship , you should fear destroying it !
It's so simple!
Great advice! My ex-wife threatened me with divorce 4 times over her feelings on a disagreement for not getting her way (I was 100% faithful and had a good job with good money). Initially I tried and tried to maintain the marriage only out of a sense of Christian duty. But eventually I couldn't deal with her anymore and said go ahead and go, so she filed for divorce (she later blamed me for causing her to divorce me because she said it was my fault for not fighting for her). Even the Bible (1 Corinthians 7) and the Catholic church doesn't force you to tolerate that. If a woman uses the threat of divorce, the correct response is "Ok bye."
@DMB_14 it still sounds hard. What exactly did she want? What was she missing according to her? Attention? More time with you?
Same situation here. My wife has already left me 4 times. We've been separated for 4 weeks now and every night I just scream out of anger. I pray to God to take my rage away. I can't stand this pain. This woman has ruined my life. All because of disagreements
@@smokingcrab2290 I'm sorry man. #1, Stay calm. Don't resign yourself to getting railroaded. Document everything. Orion's advice holds, so let her go and don't let it destroy you. The divorce process is horrible, but you will live and be tougher and stronger on the other side.
@@Champman543 No amount of attention or security was ever enough. No amount of vacations I took her on or housework I did was ever enough. So she found the last limits of my patience and acquiescence.
My first long term girlfriend tried to leave me every six months. I used to beg her to stay. One day I figured out what she was doing and said "fine, go". The look on her face showed me she definitely did not expect that. Too late to take it back. Too proud to admit she was manipulating me. She had to suffer the consequences.
This is a hard lesson but as in every area of life we have to know when the final bell has rung and the fight is already over.
the value you give is more than weeks of sessions of paid consultations with out-of-touch therapists, from my experience. This advice is very hard to follow but still the best regardless of the feeling. Thanks so much, Orion.
"...don't fight to keep people in your life" - best advice EVER. I learned this a long long time ago. The wisdom of that admonition was a very difficult thing for me to accept. Probably the best and most helpful lesson I ever learned.
It takes a strong mind to accept and many can not. You have to follow your gut.
Finding partners or friends and maintaining healthy relationship with them is one crucial part of life. When I watch your videos, I feel like I have never been given the proper tools for this.
I hope that if I ever have children, I can teach them what you taught me.
Exactly the same way sex should be treated. Once this is no longer freely given (ie: it feels like a chore) - stop engaging in it with your spouse/gf.
It's something that BOTH parties should want to engage in. Don't beg. Don't explain.
If it's no longer freely and enthusiastically on the table - go source it out.
@MonessaLeigh for some people, leaving is definitely the correct option (assuming no kids will suffer).
But there are cases where everything is actually working - financially working well, relationship is good, family life is good - but intimacy/attraction has already taken its leave.
If sex isn't on the table, there's literally no point to the romantic relationship. Without sex, you're just friends.
Totally agree
Then all marriages end with menopause.
@@per_growth you're encouraging people to look for sex outside of marriage?
Very wise words and well presented.
The value of letting go is specially true for stifling parents who can’t let go of children leaving the nest, a form of control that can mar future family relationships
It also applies to kids that won't let go of their parents and won't fly the nest. My 23yo daughter has become dependent on her mum since wife left the marriage when daughter was 19. Part of the reason is my ex panders to our daughters insecurities. She needed a bit more tough love and now she is stuck
1:45 💯💯💯
4:00 Too Safe
6:15 Words & Value
7:00 Pity
8:30 Golden Rule
This is how I've been for 20 years, since my second relationship. Always been perfectly satisfied with my own company. Whenever a woman has tested me by threatening to leave I say 'go on then' & retract all of my attention from her. She says 'omg why won't you fight for me, you're x, y, and z ad hominem attack'... I say 'I'm not going to fight you... for you. You're choosing to act like this, if you want to be with me then just choose to stop it. If you don't, then go. You don't get to emotionally torture me to assuage your attachment insecurities.'
She typically is apologizing profusely within 24h, once she's certain I'm 100% serious, and her behavior returns to normal for a few weeks or months before she creates another drama.
You shouldn't be tolerating this more than maybe twice. If she's continuing with the ad hominems, you should discard her permanently.
@@chipsteve We can't all go hunting for unicorns, some of us break the local wild horses to the saddle. They buck occasionally, but it reduces every time you show it doesn't work.
Been there, the more you allow it the less she will respect you
@@yunggolem4687 well said 😂 going thru that now. Poor girl never had a good man. She’s scared shitless.
@@yunggolem4687 I like the way you think. It's more realistic than the modern view of just let the other person go after any sign of inconvenience.
If we just keep letting go all of our dating prospects, there will be nobody left to let go of. The illusion of abundance and better options is really creating an unfulfilling dating scene
Worst few years of my life trying to keep a woman in the relationship..Bite down on the stick, walk away and never look back.
This is the single most important and wise video ever posted by this channel. This should be applied to all areas of life. Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated.
I've personally benefited a lot from your videos so thank you very much Dr. Taraban
It's doctor Taraban. He didn't go to college to be called Mr..
@@sithraeil 😂
@@sithraeil thanks for the correction
"The game doesn't run on gratitude."
🎯
This absolutely fits my experience. Dated a woman who routinely would walk away from our relationship and I’d go running after her. Never again. Learned the hard way.
Only continue to nourish the plant that responds by growing. Non-responsive seeds should be lost.
Learning and understanding the power of “good bye” is self preservation.
People reconcile all of the time. And it’s usually after they regret leaving you. But how it happens isn’t always them coming back to you first.
Sometimes, or rather in reality, you both are missing what each other brought to the table. And growth and maturity causes you to feel empathy for the other. So when you eventually reconnect , those feelings show up again. And a new relationship is born.
Be it with a previous lover, friend or family.
I have sometimes stayed in relationships, including friendships, out of guilt. I knew exiting their lives would hurt them but I've learned to let go. Sometimes you're the one that's leaving and that's also okay, or necessary, and you're not doing it out of cruelty or lack of respect you just have your reasons.
the best version of women ive gotten is when i dont try to negotiate desire, anything else you'd suffer.
If she already desires you, then you make fun of her for liking you and she walks away, then you win and can have her whenever you want. Don’t let women think they can have control they’ve never earned
@@TheMCat11This is so abusive and manipulative.
Disgusting 🤮
@@Jan-qv8ku yet the woman found me attractive. If the woman does the same thing the other way around, people assume the man is the problem. Why wouldn’t you do the same here?
@@TheMCat11 -- Women instinctively manipulate men 90% of the time without even being fully aware of it. They are gifted about it and 100x better than men in the manipulation game. Men need to be aware of women's game in order to avoid getting manipulated. Some men learn the game well and beat the women in their own game.
And it certainly doesn't work.
Don't take 'em back if they walk out on you. It's like dog training: they leave, you take them back, and they've learned they can pull whatever BS that happened when they walked and you'll take them back.
For me, I've learned the hard way that i can't ever trust anyone who's left.
And take them by their actions, if they prove to be unreliable and not loyal they indeed are exactly that! Don't gaslight your self to believe anything else
Thats unfair on dogs, dogs are loyal and non judgemental
I was in a protracted situationship with a woman who was trying to explain to me that many men desired her (I think Taraban likes to call that high optionality or something like that) and, while she had a point, I simply said "I'll never compete for your love and affection. I can freely love you, with all of your flaws. If you cannot do the same then you have something I do not want or need" and it was probably the first time in her life that she was talked to in that way. The look on her face was something to behold. I mostly agree with the spirit of what he's saying here. I'd add that it's not always the case that the other person is going to make that decision to leave the relationship. Sometimes you have to make that decision on behalf of the other person. In whatever relationship that you're considering, you should always be considering whether or not the relationship is working for both parties and if it is not then it is an unhealthy relationship and ties should be severed (even if you're the one who is benefitting from the relationship). Relationships should be symbiotic, not parasitic.
Indeed, I left because I just felt that the other person doesn't want me but wants to morph me into something they want. Split was amicable and, in my opinion, best possible solution.
Always remember, she is not your girl, its just your turn. Most guys are too low value, live in scarcity and have oneitis which is very unattractive. This video is also excellent reasoning of why marriage can be so dangerous and divorce rates can be so high. She now has the leverage and power, and will probably misbehave as a result.
legendary comment. How can men get out of this rut?
@@AmineL-es3dk Refuse oneitis or any similar bad deal. Women love the competition. Once it's gone she is too!
Sprouting old and tired Red pill rhetoric. Have an original thought for once in your life
Most women have no value. So why would they dictate a thing?
@@karabomothupi9759 Typing old and tired English Language. Have an original language for once in your life?
This resonates on many levels. To add to the last point would be to make sure, when that someone comes back, make sure that you yourself don't accept them back out of pity. It may be so that there are a lot of tears and 'I miss you's just to influence your heartstrings. This is where you have to also know what you want and be willing to say 'No, that ship has sailed'.
This is one of his best videos. It sounds simple until you have to actually do it. The key I’ve discovered is to be super high quality yourself. Eat clean , exercise dress we’ll groom well and smell good. Have your shot together and rule with an iron fist. Don’t be a tyrant but be direct. If you think you can do better I’ll never stand in your way, but make not mistake here are my boundaries if you violate them or threaten chaos. You’re out.
@@junipersnow1 -- Don't worry about things not in your control.
@@junipersnow1see his episode, "the game doesn't run on gratitude"
Learned this the hard way. Well put.
Me too. Now I don't wait for her to dump me. I dump my woman if I realize she is losing interest in me and she has started acting difficult. If she turns cold, I am done with her.
As someone that fell in love over 2 years with a dismissive avoidant. I needed this. She took a secure person and brought anxiousness I've never known. She knows how to find me if she decides to get serious about her wounded past.
I fought for years to save my marriage, she had me jumping through hoops while she did nothing. The best thing I ever did was walk away. As you say, don't fight to keep people in your life, if they don't want to be with you let them go.
The fact that Social Secrets Mastery is such a well-kept secret says a lot about why so many struggle with dating-it’s all in the book.
@keajd1178 who is the author
Bot
"Fear is the basis of respect."
🎯
Less people is less problems. Also realize that a lot of motivation to chase is ego based. Its the percieved rejection by the other person that implies one is flawed and so to avoid this hit to self esteem and self worth, one may be tempted to prove their value. Reduce ego, and indifference will be second nature. Indifference to both admiration and rejection. Finally, never care more for people than they allow you to care. If they don't care to leave, you shouldn't either.
@@junipersnow1 I understand what you feel. My parents quit speaking to my siblings and though initially it hurt, they over time was glad to not have the stress. I'm not on speaking terms with most of my family. What happens is most people chase their investments ( time, money, etc.) What I do, is judge the individuals behavior, actions etc. I learned to ignore the relationship of the individual ( ie. Friend, lover, family)because its irrelevant. Some folks are no longer worth any more time or investment. Some people are just no longer compatible. And past history are irrelevant. Its like sitting at a slot machine. You may have put a thousand dollars into it, it may have even paid a few wins, but once you continuously lose, don't chase and walk away. People should be viewed the same. It'll hurt, but not as much as trying to change an ungrateful person.
@@junipersnow1 -- advice is not the same for close family members. If they cut you off, then you have to respect their boundary but you should tell them you still love them unconditionally and you will welcome them when they are ready to let you in their life again.
@@modickens1272 what you speak of is the sunken fallacy
Reminds me a lot of Mark Manson's "F*** Yes or No"
Something which I wish I had learned AND believed much earlier in my life...
Also, this applies to employers who "walk out on you" as well. Don't sue them, don't fight for your job back... as you said, Pyrrhic victory... Save that energy for the next one who actually values you.
Why did it take me so long to learn this?!?! Oh yeah, my parents crapped all over my self-esteem.
I have been on both sides of this. Dr. T is 100% correct.
" If U Love somebody, If U loove someone, set them free...free, free, .. .set them free... " So many relationships are based on fear, terrorism, unspoken leverage, and hidden agendas... Do not let yourself push into the corner!
I liked and agree with this talk. I think the whole "peaceful, door is always open" is personality driven. I agree that for most people they should have peaceful relations. But I think some relationships have a tempestuous dynamic that both parties may enjoy perhaps.
The "there's the door, you can always exit" type advice or attitude is very interesting to me. I think Orion is right that in setting boundaries and blatantly stating where those boundaries are does warn away a partner from "edgy, relationship risky" behavior. But in practice... with many western people I don't think this works well. First off I don't believe that many younger people these days have any clue about correct relationship behavior. (they seem to get in so few relationships these days) Also I don't think that "warnings" or "wise words" will work these days. In some situations sure. But these days it appears there are frequent faux pas that will end a relationship, usually by ignorance of any true boundary that may be crossed. And let's face it... as we progress into the future it appears there are fewer and fewer potential partners that don't have significant issues in relationship dynamics. The good competent partners get coupled up quickly and as time goes on the ones "not" relationship material become the vast majority.
When one door is closed many more doors are open, don't beg anyone to be in your life if they wants to leave let's them go...
Sorta like that line in the movie Heat. When the heat is around the corner, you have to be willing to walk away in a moments notice.
One of your best O.T. Thanks man. That urge to fix things can be overpowering…to the detriment of your own dignity. Needed to hear this too…the timing is uncanny.
Love this!!! It’s a harsh truth but it is absolutely true! I would advise anyone to take your approach, the anti-cult!! Let people know they can lose you and let them know where the door is!! Wish I’d realized this sooner!❤
Thanks you, this came at a great time and I needed to hear this.
Movies have messed my mind so much... damn.
I remember watching 1 d guy wen 2 d house of the guy his girl was sleeping with and started shouting i love u.. Den d girl came down 2 him and dey lived happily ever after..
I did d same shiit in my 20s.. I got friendzoned sooo hard😂
We have a saying among our friends: "Hollywood lied to us." All those romantic moments and behaviors you see are actually silly and unrealistic. Try to do what a guy does in a romantic movie, and you will be seen by her and her friends/family as weird, weak or worse as a stalker. So, if you can, save your time and energy, go to the gym and kill that mental anguish.
That was the point of the movie.
Great advice. Will remember your words ( Never Ever , Ever chase people down ) 👍
I've been following this advice for some years. Works, time and time again.
Just don't push people to do (and say) things and they'll be more likely to do the said things.
(Of course, I'm not saying this applies to every situation)
This video entirely captures my current situation and is the best advice I’ve heard so far. It means my marriage would have to change to a LDR. I’m not willing to do that so it’s likely a divorce is on the horizon. It’s now her decision to walk back through that door. Unlikely but I’ll give her the opportunity for a short time frame.
@@muscleweb Stay strong
The only thing I dislike about your videos is that they didn’t come out sooner 😂
I really could have used this advice a few years ago
This is excellent advice and I personally know it works from experience. However one thing the bases of respect is not fear, is love. People obey because of fear and they respect out of Love.
If you wanna stay, stay.
If you wanna go, go.
What I always say.. if you love something set it free.. if it comes back it is yours, If not, it was never!! I used that a few times in my life.. I don’t sit around and wait, but I give myself time to work through my emotions. It hurts all the same .. 🤷🏻♀️💔
The issue is, that men are differently wired then women. She goes out, "enjoyes" her options and when she "realizes" that she gave up on something worthy, she already did what was most sacred to the man.
Thats why many cultures didnt even allow at all for women to make this type of decisions, because they understood how much they lack rationality and maturity overall.
So you end up with a broken society, where men dont trust and unable to love and women with irreparabel regets.
And what's your solution regrading your belief that "women lack rationality and maturity?" To enslave them into "no options?" Here's some heavy realism for you: the vast majority of women have top notch selection radars (their emotions are worth 100 male "rationalities"), except that under monogamy most must simply settle. If the woman wants to leave - she has her reasons; and since she is part of the relationships, those reasons MATTER.
Now that she has options, including that of solo living, without having to put up with a bad or even unsatisfying relationship just to be able to eat and save face - most men naturally bemoan the situation.
Instead of complaining about women's "immaturity" and exit options, and how they need to have their agency taken away from them (do you hear yourself?), how about focus on finding a woman who's sufficiently inspired by you where she'd want to be with you even if she didn't need to.
Too difficult? Ah.
But think about it: how beautiful is that?
Men are not the super rational beings that you wish they were, either. There's profound wisdom in the phrase "men have two heads, but only enough blood to think with one." After all, who is it that is begging women for sex? Men.
@@roses6564 you bring 2 questions into focus:
1) if as you imply, it's a good thing that we are not all bound by monogamy - then why is it overwhelmingly women pushing for monogamy with the men they desire?
2) if as you explicitly state, it is a good thing that women can exercise their options today - then why do "experienced" women (in the VAST MAJORITY of cases) always deceive the men they desire about how they have exercised their options?
@@roses6564 Im in a polygamy IN THE WEST, so all of your ad hominem are literally pointless.
I couldnt care less about your moral views. Eitherway you can prove to me that the values which you derive your morality are objectively given, or stop bothering us all with your meaningless and baseless subjectivity.
Your whole arugment is on the pre assumtion that women (in generall) are capable enough to understand what an inspiring man is.
What eventually in REALITY happens, is that most of you want a slave to jump whenever youre in emotional need, regardless how embarrassing it gets.
I hope that you get some sons and then you will get to a heavy realization how reality works. Youre so deep in your individualism, that the question is not if society will crumble, but when will it happen.
Men hunt, women shop.
From my experience with someone for 8 years she wanted to go. And did. I did everything he said not to do. She came back and did it again 2 years later. Me still listing all the ways I was there for her and her son…that was met with resentment and anger. To keep it 💯 I finally got to a place last week , I told her I should have let her go and if she doesn’t see my worth that has nothing to do with me. I appreciate her and I guess I needed to learn how to let others go and stand on my worth and love for myself 🎉🎉. This was right on time. Thank you sr.
The parting phrase, "Don't let the door knob hit cha where the good Lord split cha!" Comes to mind, ha.
Love it!!!
"Not to have a thing is less humiliating than to beg it."
Imam Ali Ibn Abi Talib A.S
Rare wisdom detected
Wow 😮!!! Totally wish I would’ve heard this advice 6 to 8 months ago. Thank You sir, simple, straightforward, no bs, and to the point. Thank You so much.
Bought your book and I am very impressed! Hope you keep writing.
Everything that you need will come to you once your worthy of it, word!
The ones that try to get you back can be used as evidence of your desirability for new ones in the future. The more women that chase you, the more women that chase you.
@@elinope4745 exactly, I keep receipts of every double text or good morning text I have to prove how much better I am than others. They never question me after
@@elinope4745 I always keep evidence of the times I’ve been double texted and chased. It works well with other women
I agree with a lot that is said here, but I would never want respect through fear.
It's the right person that respects you for your good qualities
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤