Great video Kay, yes, what is often not explored with I-messages is if someone says what they want but the listener does not wish to provide it. In the book about NVC by Marshall Rosenberg there are a lot of pre-requisites that have to be in place before that can be a successful interaction. The speaker has to be clear they are not 'demanding' or 'expecting' change in the other rather than simply expressing / owning their feelings wishes and the listener has to 'hear' what is said as just an expression of feeling /wanting rather than a demand. I often hear people say they used 'I messages' in the way they were taught/read about in NVC but the person was 'uncaring', 'lacking in compassion', 'inconsiderate' because they didn't give the person what they were wanting. In many ways it risks making the situation worse as it can further entrench people in their demonisation of the other because they believe they have done all the 'right things' and the other person hasn't changed so the 'fault' is in them. Much of what NVC speaks of is great but I think that is an area where it falls down or is not comprehensive enough in dealing with the possible outcomes of such interactions and also supporting the expectation of ownership of both feelings and needs.
Great video Kay, yes, what is often not explored with I-messages is if someone says what they want but the listener does not wish to provide it. In the book about NVC by Marshall Rosenberg there are a lot of pre-requisites that have to be in place before that can be a successful interaction. The speaker has to be clear they are not 'demanding' or 'expecting' change in the other rather than simply expressing / owning their feelings wishes and the listener has to 'hear' what is said as just an expression of feeling /wanting rather than a demand. I often hear people say they used 'I messages' in the way they were taught/read about in NVC but the person was 'uncaring', 'lacking in compassion', 'inconsiderate' because they didn't give the person what they were wanting. In many ways it risks making the situation worse as it can further entrench people in their demonisation of the other because they believe they have done all the 'right things' and the other person hasn't changed so the 'fault' is in them. Much of what NVC speaks of is great but I think that is an area where it falls down or is not comprehensive enough in dealing with the possible outcomes of such interactions and also supporting the expectation of ownership of both feelings and needs.
Great insights, Kay. Thank you.
Thank you this is so helpful