You made me laugh. It resonates with me. Seriously though, don't you think we develop more sensitivity, while being so attentive to others' emotions. I feel like I've been practicing this so much that I do sense when something is off, even if I've not been told anything.
Needed this, literally have been second guessing myself because someone in my life made me feel as if I was responsible for how they felt instead of them taking responsibility for their own emotional responses.
Yes and then saying that they dont feel supported. Everyone needs to pull up their big girl panties and say I am sorry. To me if someone says just sorry it feels 1/2 sorry. Words. Clarity. Integrity. Compassion.
@@Katimorton how do i forgive myself after falling for the trap of abandoning myself again to take responsibility for others peoples feelings? I feel such a loser at this moment.
“Someone in my life made me feel as if I was responsible for how they feel...” is this a joke? If someone is rude or inconsiderate of someone else’s feeling, or our actions, or lack of affected someone’s state of being because of an established close connection then we should take responsibility for someone’s state of being. It all comes down to integrity. Honesty, loyalty, empathy, compassion. What does it mean to you.
@@katiewags84 Point is that there are people who are overly sensitive that are triggered and require an apology for everything. We're not talking about scenarios where people are deliberately rude and obnoxious with their choice of words and attitude.
Same. Im 29 now but I can go right back to being a child if im around her. Its very upsetting. She can be very explosive. Im sorry youre dealing with that:(
I totally am this way. I often feel envious of others who can just be themselves and not have to worry about others think/feel. Being an empath can be so tiring and can hold me back from so many opportunities.
@@Katimorton There's nuance though. We are developing into a more interconnected species too....aware of our essential oneness with the other. I do not want to live in a world where I as an empath capable of a lot of love must expect everyone to just be responsible for how they feel and no one else........because there's no bounding there either. It's just a very nuanced topic. I don't think there's any logicaly stricly mental rule one can ascribe to. We have to BALANCE polarities....keep using our intuition and accept we are always reaching for a win win. A "everyone is responsible only for what they feel" is not only NOT win-win.....it's also not alligned with reality. Because we are ALL empathic to a certain extent AND because what you do with your life DOES affect eeeeeeveryone else.......so in a sense becomes partly my responsability too :) If we didn't take responsability for killers and rapists as a society....we wouldn't be safe....as a really simplistic example. :)
I don't know if I totally agree with that statement. If there is miscommunication and someone feels insulted or hurt by something someone says unintentionally, a decent person apologizes and clarifies what they meant to clear up any hard feelings. It may not be your fault per say, but that doesn't negate the harm. I have far too often had people be inconsiderate, unintentionally hurtful, or just straight up assholes to me, and then they say "it's not my problem you took it that way" to diffuse responsability for themselves. It is frustrating as hell and not healthy.
@@OdinOfficialEmcee Agree. I work with someone who may say the truth but the way they said it and directed it towards others is hurtful, anxiety-inducing and just overall being an asshole. She says this SAME exact thing when I have to bring her into my office after several staff people have complained about the same thing. She will say "I can't control the way they feel" or "but it's the truth and I am sorry they can't handle it". This has been the most toxic work environment I have ever been in just simply because she thinks the exact same way as the statement from "Mental Health Hygiene w/Kumar".
@@Katimorton Hello, I have had a near choking situation about 2 years ago. Ever since, I have been having anxiety about choking. I have panic attacks and I feel it is hard to swallow. What is this feeling? What should I do?
From personal experience, being a people pleaser and worrying about other people getting upset exists due to the fear we have about our own anger or rage. We're projecting and avoiding a part of ourselves. The first step to getting over this is to start asking yourself why do other people have more rights than me? Why do I have to worry about their feelings? What about my feelings?.....don't be surprised that when you start questioning yourself, you'll start having anger come up....sit with it and tell yourself that you have rights to feel what you do and your feelings are JUST as important as everyone else who you keep worrying about. It's a process but you'll find slowly that this tendency to put other people's feelings before your own will disappear. You're find a healthy balance.
What do people mean when they say "sit with your emotions"? Because if I just sit with them, I'll just end up dissociating, or otherwise I'll just scream and trash the place.
Toni it means to take the time to acknowledge ur own emotions instead of just focusing on others. If ur disassociating every time u do this that’s a HUGE red flag & you REALLY need to see a mental health professional about this.
@@_just_TK Therapy was one of the places where I learned to dissociate. I kind of thought that I need to cooperate and answer all their questions and so I pushed myself through it and the only way I saw how to was to dissociate.
I DEFINITELY saw this behavior in my ex who grew up in an abusive home w/ 2 Narcissistic parents. They were CONSTANTLY trying to anticipating my needs & making assumptions about what I needed instead of just LISTENING to me.
My mum often joke-blames me for things. Like "you made me burn the toast" when I've had absolutely nothing to do with it. While I don't remember ever taking on the blame (because it's obviously not mine) I think I probably take on the shameful feelings some of the time.
I really get this and can definitely relate as someone who was a major "people-pleaser". Learning to set those appropriate boundaries really helps a person to develop as a person. It also made me think of the other side of this, as abusive people tend to use the "Look what you made me do" excuse. I think that impacted me a lot before I was able to set boundaries.
I felt this exact same way about my therapist. He told me almost exactly the same thing Kati said. I’m still working on it and sometimes it slips out. I just wanted the person who asked the question to know that you aren’t alone in that, and that it can be worked on for however long it needs to be worked on. You got this🌻
Im so happy that youre near one million subscribers. I subcribed when you were under 100k and seeing your growth makes me happy. Thank you for always helping us get there together holding our hands and listening. Thanks to Sean also for being there all the way with you❤🇩🇴🌷😘
I used to be like that within my family & personal relationships. Particularly with my parents & my sister. I'm slowly starting to realise that I don't owe them anything and I have rights & needs as well. I'm starting to be my own person. It has taken me a long time with therapy but I'm getting there.
Thank you Kati, you made 3 really good insightful points I haven't considered! 1. What is actually upsetting to us? 2. Only believe in facts not hypotheticals (read mind or future) 3. Ask them how they feel, tell them whats going on for you I perceive I take more effort than others to be understanding ,empathetic and forgiving, so I expect them to be upset where I wouldn't be so I think the first tip doesn't work for me. Plus, people get upset by different things anyway. One thing that helps me personally is to reflect on my experience of being judged and see that I'm a survivor - no judgement of others has forced me to lose anything I've not been able to gain elsewhere...so why worry so much what people think of me? Just do the best I can at the time to be loving and not worry, cause I think the exhaustion is from the worry rather than the action taken to make someone feel better? Sometimes even the action can be too much, better not overwork ourselves.
I always feel "in the way", and I constantly apologize. I'm going to have to watch this video a few times as I sense the truth I'm having difficulty internalizing it.
@@Katimorton Thank you, and thanks for being such a helpful resource outside of my therapy. I only journal because you say it so much, it's incredible how much it's helped. Have a great day and give yourself a big hug from me!
This. Hit. Me. Hard. Thanks for calling me out today Kati, I appreciate you more then words can explain. I hope you’re having a great holiday. Sending you and Sean all of the positive energy.
Thanks Katie for this one!! I know (in my brain) that I'm not responsible for other's feelings. One area that this comes up though, is with my now 19 year old son. A few- years after his dad and I divorced (because he was an alcoholic and I couldn't take the unpredictability while trying to raise a 2 and a half year old), I started having trouble with my depression and anxiety and he took me to court for sole custody (I couldn't afford an attorney) & he won. I tried to remain a part of my son's life and now we have a pretty decent relationship, but sometimes he brings up things from that time to hurt me. He knows how to push my buttons. And at times, I feel bad or guilty because of what he says or does. I just had to remind myself that he doesn't make me feel a certain way. It's on me. How I think about it and respond. Thanks for the reminder to communicate. That's especially helpful for my sister and cousins.
I struggle with the opposite of this. A toxic person in my past would often behave and speak in inconsiderate, hurtful, or insulting ways, but if I tried to talk to them about it, they would say they didn't "make" me feel anything, and that they weren't responsible for my emotional state. (One might guess, this didn't seem to work in reverse and I was somehow often responsible for that person's feelings, decisions, and reactions). Of course I understand the truth of what is being said in this video, but I've never quite managed to come up with a good "answer" when abusive people have used this sort of language to avoid accountability or put blame back on the person they have mistreated? There's still some kind of gap in my understanding here. I did eventually sever contact with that person, but I'm still not sure where a reasonable line should be between holding others inappropriately accountable for my feelings, versus the idea that people can treat me however they like because they're not "responsible" for it.
Maybe reframing this will help. It sounds like you’re trying to figure out the difference between holding a person accountable for your feelings and holding them accountable for their actions. They are not responsible for your feelings but they are responsible for the things they do. It’s up to you to communicate how their actions make you feel and to set boundaries when it comes to how people treat you. The “I feel” statements can be helpful here. For example “I feel anxious when you yell at me. In the future I would appreciate it if you didn’t do that.” Or “I feel hurt when you call me names. Please stop doing that.” If they continue to do it, it’s up to you to choose how you are going to respond. Are you going to let it go? Yell at them? Call them names? End the relationship? Whatever your response is, they will have feelings about it. You are not responsible for their feelings but you are responsible for your actions. Hope that helps.
I think we are somewhat responsible how we make others feel, we are not robots here. Our actions have consequences. But how other person is feelings depends also how they interpret the situation and from other factors, maybe they are tired aso. How others will respond is not our responsibility tho. Its they who choose how to act. It also depends so much of the context. If we feel our actions should never upset anyone, then its very difficult to set boundaries. If we never consider how we make others feel, we may loose relationships. Those are just examples. Its so much depends on the situation and how we interpret things.
@@gbeana81 For some reason TH-cam didn't notify me of your response! Thank you for this. I've kept on thinking about this question, and I realize I was hearing "you're responsible for your own feelings" as "your feelings don't *matter*" (which is essentially what that toxic person in my life meant when they said it). Of course, that's not true. Having actually done a little further research, I have a clearer idea that my emotional well-being, like my physical health, is ultimately my responsibility. If someone was actively sabotaging or discouraging my efforts to manage my health, that would be bad and wrong... but it doesn't make managing my health anyone else's responsibility but my own (this of course would bar extreme situations like being physically dependent on another person). Same goes for my emotional health. If someone in my life behaves in hurtful ways on a regular basis, my emotional health is still in my own hands, and I need to decide how to manage the situation (as opposed to "suppress my feelings", which is how I used to interpret that statement). Anyway, that's a lot of words to basically rephrase what you said to me here. Thank you for your answer! 😁
Same. This is a difficult position to hold onto, I think. The things we do will affect other people and emotions are not always products of logic and choice. It might be harmful to take full responsibility, but it's also harmful to take no responsibility. There is also a big difference between getting stuck in a grocery store aisle with a stranger, and upsetting a person with whom you share a lot of emotional intimacy.
This line of thinking really enables so many abusers, especially narcissists, and it's just not true. Emotions are reactions to internal and external stimuli. If someone punches you, you don't choose to bruise. Same with feelings. If someone willingly hurts you, you aren't choosing that immediate hurt.
You’re right, you’re not choosing that immediate hurt but you’re still responsible for that bruise or that hurt. You’re still responsible for putting liniment on that bruise and preventing it from happening again, and you’re still responsible for your emotions if someone hurts you
@@privatepage4670 The difficult thing is, people who aren't aware that they are hurting someone or crossing a boundary can still be people- pleasers and doing the thing that is mentioned in the question - trying to guess what another person feels in order to behave in a way that doesn't upset them - as well.
@@toni2309 i got your point but my sister started treating me abusively and not respecting my boundries 3years ago because her ex abusive boyfriend was influencing her. She never acted like that before . When I would tell her she was making me sad choosing to stay with me against my will instead of my mom's house where she was welcomed she would say she couldn't make me sad," and she was draining every drop of emotional energy from me and i got depressed and withdrawn.
@@privatepage4670 That sounds pretty different than just not being aware, her saying that she couldn't make you sad even if you said that she was making you sad is not aknowledging you, not listening to you. If you are telling her obvious things that you would wish her to do in order to honour your boundaries and she is not doing them and doesn't have an excuse (like she could come to you tell you why this may be difficult for her) then that's not just unaware but ignorant.
I don't think that we are responsible for other peoples emotions all the time, but we are responsible for how we react to other people's emotions. I think that there is a time when we can be responsible for other people's emotions if we do something that may be good or bad towards them. For example the joy of throwing a surprise birthday party and the recipient being overwhelmed with joy, I feel in this case that this is a good thing to be responsible for a making them feel so happy. Also there are times when people deliberately go out to cause hurt and sadness and guilt. Then that person should be responsible for their actions causing bad emotions.
This question was like Welcome to being an INFJ from a more or less toxic childhood It sucks. But when you do the things Kati said (especially setting/maintaining boundaries!!) it gets better. It honestly does.
I think we all depend on each other and we are causing other people’s emotions all the time but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re “responsible” for every single individual, if that makes sense.🤔
I don’t think we cause others’ feelings; maybe triggering what’s already there? We all have the innate ability to be angry, sad, happy, etc. In relationships with others we constantly prick those buried “reservoirs” of feelings in each other. But each person decides (often unconsciously) which feeling to give power to. For instance, you can intend to insult me with an ugly word. Then I can choose to give power to my sadness or I can just decide to give power to my compassion and just smile, understanding that you have chosen to give power to your anger. Certainly to do this consciously takes lots of self awareness and practice.
I personally don't quite understand. I see that there needs to be some balance, and that we need to care about others as well, but I don't quite understand where to draw the line.
Toni - You draw the line based on the self awareness of your own feelings. You have to learn what feels right and wrong for you. If something feels wrong pay attention to that and ask why. The more you learn about your own feelings the easier it gets, because this teaches you how to respect your feelings and those of others.
I tried to commit suicide in HS. I was sent to a psychologist by the school. My father's only comment on the entire ordeal was "How could you do this to your mother!?" He always made me responsible for her feelings. Mine had no merit.
I really dislike when people take those situations and make it about other people. It's really not fair. The person in question is the person who is struggling. It makes people understandably worry, but then they take their worries way out of hand and make it all about themselves, even to the extent of calling it "selfish". A person doing that is crying out for help and isn't recieving it, so maybe they should focus on the help rather than on themselves. I would also assume your pain also probably got worse by that comment. Sorry you had to deal with that.
Wow, I was looking for a video on this topic by you yesterday! What a wonderful coincidence that it was uploaded today. Thank you so much, Kati! Your videos have been a great support to me for years, and it's amazing how they always come at the time I need them too.
Your videos are really very helpful.When I hear you talking I don't feel like I am alone.I am really very grateful to you. And also I am following your advices and suggestions, now I feel more positive.
A school friend of mine that was controlling and toxic would tell me that she can’t control that I got upset because she said something very hurtful to me. It can be harmful to say that I am “choosing “ to feel this way.
Tbh you're friend has a point. You could react by walking away and keeping your distance or staying around and taking whatever she dishes. Where she went wrong was her delivery because it sounds like she completely dismissed you're feelings as I when she finds out you were hurt, not to apologise. But she's right in terms of you choosing to react to it.
Sounds like a shitty, toxic friend. Yes, you can choose to react differently but that doesn’t excuse her actions. That’s like punching someone in the face than saying “well, you shouldn’t react negatively”
BelizeHunni It is true that my reactions could be different but I think her goal was just to gaslight me and make me think what I was feeling was my fault and mine alone, and not because she was causing me pain.:( I do agree tho
I love you kati! You are so awesome and I hope to meet you one day! You are so close to 1 Million! I have been watching you for over 7 years and been here before you even had 100k. You have also inspired me to pursue mental health counseling. I started watching you in high school and now I'm in grad school.
The biggest impediment to having boundaries is what you make them mean about yourself. That's trickier for parentified children because they're already programmed to be responsible for things that aren't their responsibility.
Yes, taking on responsibilities of the adult as a child to help out definitely blurs the lines later on in life as to how one creates boundaries and doesn't end up getting taken advantage of for being so helpful/caring. It's alrdy been programmed from doing it however many years.... Good luck just turning that off, I've tried and going to be 35 soon with no success yet in just not being "too nice".
I had a falling out with my best friend of 18 years a few years ago who I realised is a very manipulative person. We still talk occasionally and we’ve shared a loss of an old friend this year. Last week her father had a heart attack. I decided to text her and let her know I’m thinking of her and her dad and sending love. I sent it 3 days ago and she is yet to reply. This has given me major anxiety because I think she is mad at me and that’s why she hasn’t replied. This video has made sense of this and just how much I try and read people’s minds. Thanks Kati.
Just what I needed, I think I'm trying to control outcomes too much, instead of what I can do to respond and react, to manage my own thoughts and feelings. So helpful, so so helpful. I have this bad habit too of trying to predict the future, make assumptions and wanting to control how people will react or think. I should instead, be honest, communicate as honestly as possible and know that I am my own person, and I can have space, needs and wants.
Omg thank you so much Kati I needed this more than air 💜 thank you with all my hart 💜💜very single video of yours is so helpful and also as always you are looking good 💜💜💜
Definitely relate to this! I have gotten so much better about it thanks to therapy. At times still struggle with it and even go to the complete opposite and shut everyone out. So definitely still a process but I am now aware of it and understanding it. So making those steps!
I just wish friends/family/ex bfs would learn to apologise when wrong or gain some self awareness but i guess you cant control that either lol!! Thanks for the video as i definately struggle with this ive had emotional and verbal abuse growing up and by ex bfs, im having to make sure and vet all the guys i date that they dont have red flags and are not narcissistic/jerks! Sometimes we have to give ourselves the closure we need receive from people cos letting go can be hard!:)
I used to be in this disposition. Bending over backwards for others to not make them feel bad. Until they betrayed me. Then i learned to give zero f*cks. And im happier for it now. I don't care about their feelings anymore. I am putting myself first now. And yes Kati, i can't read their minds and i am done guessing. If they don't come up front to me and own their feelings i don't give a damn.
This is why I always reply to people if they apologize for passing between me and the side of the aisle I’m looking at. I always try to acknowledge that the situation is perfectly fine “no worries” - I started with this one because it’s faster than “no apologies needed” and I found that I realized that it _could_ turn into a worry for them later on, because it had for me in the past.
I can relate to this and am so relieved someone managed to put this anxiety into words ( I tend to be slow at putting my feelings into words). I have this anxiety to the point where I am afraid to greet people sometimes or be noticed, I just recently was able to tell my husband how I feel I'm an inconvenience or somehow just saying hello is somehow passive aggressive ( because my narc family would start conversations to simply appease others, try to get a benefit out of others, as the scape goat I never wanted to force myself into other's circles ). Because of family and bullying, there are times I feel if I say too much, even if it should not be a big deal, I have somehow put myself in danger. Something as innocent as my hobbies feels dangerous sometimes. And who doesnt like talking about healthy hobbies.
So sorry u grew up in such a toxic environment. This is something that you should probably see a mental health professional to work through it. I know it sounds impossible but I promise, with the right help it DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️
I feel like bcz i am the boundry holder my sibs like to set me up like little kids testing boundaries. So occasionally i hafta be the big babboon that verbally hasta slap them with my values and reality. Firmly& gently. They continue to test with drunken shenanigans. Modeling self care and integrity. Thankyou for being PART OF THE SOLUTION! UR GREAT& NEVER GIVE UP!
I have this same tendency. From what I have learned..... being highly sensitive to other people's needs and emotional states can many times be a survival strategy. Life is about survival (survival of the individual, survival of the clan/family, survival of the species). There are several different basic survival strategies that people adopt automatically for interpersonal interaction (depending on genetics, temperment and environmental factors = how, where and by whom they were raised)..... People pleasing is a basic survival strategy, that works in some environments (especially in childhood and adolescence in difficult situations, eg. with toxic dysfuctional immature people who shift blame to others, with aggressive people, etc.). People pleasing later on in life within modern western society is however dysfuctional for the people pleaser (damages the empathic people pleaser) = leads to exhaustion, burn out, psychosomatic illness, mental illness, autoimune disease, etc.... Dr. Cloud and dr. Townsend explain boundries as well as other people's toxic reactions to healthy boundries in their book Boundries.
Since I decided to thank people instead of apologizing, I don't tolerate it when other over-apologizing trying to second-guess me. In that case, I tell them there is no need to, I'm responsible for what I feel, thank them for their concern, and move on.
I would argue not at all. Since an emotion is a product of one's own mind, the only conclusions that can be drawn from the sensation will be regarding the one feeling the emotion's own state of mind. It tells us nothing about the characteristics of what their emotions are a reaction to. Thus, the only individual responsible for emotions is the individuals feeling said emotion, absolutely nobody else. If one did not intend offense or inconvenience, then no apology is necessary, as the error lies exclusively with the one taking offense.
So, i had this situation with my cousin, who I was very close to. To make a long ass story short, in my confusion and pain from things she was doing over several months, i asked her some questions about something that was personal to her, which i didnt know it was. She’s ignored me, and that made me really angry and scared because, in my experience, being ignored the precursor to being left behind by people important to me. Later on, i found out that she ignored me because she was overwhelmed, even though she stated that i could talk to her about why i was upset with her. She also said that she felt I had overstepped my boundaries, which i did not know there were any in regards to this because she was usually very open and personal with me. She keep using that agains me, even though I’ve sincerely apologized. Not once in this entire situation has she said sorry for making me feel terrible and uncared for, and she hasnt once acknowledged that she could be in the wrong, where I have apologized many times for several different things thats i am truly sorry for and know I have done wrong. Her excuse is that she is not responsible for my feelings. But i feel she is using that as an excuse to not take responsibility for her actions. While its true that she isn’t responsible for the way I feel, i think she kind if IS in this situation because she did directly hurt me on many occasions. im honestly not sure how to feel about this.
I have had this, too. It’s timely because I’ve been enduring some pain because of a decision I made a couple of years ago to make it easier, well , to comply with my landlord’s wishes. I still feel broken because of it. There’s some anger I feel that I want to express to that person because of how unjust it was, but I hold it inside because I don’t want it hurting others.
I know you said to ask questions, “did I actually make you angry?”.. I tend to ask these sorts of questions too much. My friends and I discussed it and concluded that me asking these things makes them feel like they’ve done something wrong, or that I am accusing them. I don’t know how to be considerate of someone’s feelings without going overboard. :( it’s really messing up my friendships because I always ask “are you mad at me?” “Am I annoying you?” Why do I need constant reassurance? My rational side doesn’t even care, but my emotional side takes over and it is exhausting.
My girlfriend does this. She dealt with an abusive ex boyfriend in the past, and now even though she won't admit it, lol, I find she's very scared to upset me or anyone else, to the point where she gets defensive sometimes. She asks me that question a lot, and I feel just like your friends. My advice is to work on your fear of upsetting others (this is where you're not responsible for others' feelings), and trust that if they are upset they will come to you in a healthy or obvious way. And of course, always be kind in how you talk! 😋
Hii Kati! Would you do a video talking about the word crazy? Like the origins, different uses and everything. We kinda know but I think it would be really interesting having it in a video to talk about it! :D
Help! What if a family member always lashes out for the tiniest of things. She makes it such a big deal when you can just plainly approach the situation in a more calm manner so you you let your mind handle it, not your emotions. She doesn't know how to respond calmly to a small inconvenience or a mistake or even an innocent sentence that she overthinks in her mind and gave it a more malicious agenda, when in fact, there wasn't any. She's irritable all the time and doesn't listen to other people's suggestions to help avoid feeling angry all the time. She's mad from dawn till night. Banging the doors, stomping her feet, shouting too loud that even the neighbors could hear. She approaches her life in a very negative way. She always says "I'm gonna die soon anyway." just because she's already a bit old but it's unlikely, because she's still strong and not currently sick. Us in the household are really worried about her and are also getting a ton of negative vibes that it starts to affect the way we think and do stuff. Idk, I was thinking maybe some of the people here might help..
Vanessa Draws sounds like they are very manipulative. Here are some videos that might help! th-cam.com/video/HfU3vliw_08/w-d-xo.html th-cam.com/video/vAcWIRuoZRc/w-d-xo.html th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
It almost always comes down to childhood... it is also useful to ask ourselves what need are we trying to meet by acting this way? Need of love, need of safety (by trying to anticipate and control everything), etc. And yes indeed it’s very exhausting, it’s useful to learn how to communicate better, protect our energy & slowly accept that we can’t control people.
Thank you for your comment. Please know that your comment helped me tonight and BELIEVE ME, tonight was the night I most needed this help. Thank you ❣️😊
This resonated with me greatly. I'm currently working on trying to raise my self esteem focusing on living consciously, self responsibility and self acceptance, all covered in this video, so I thought I'd share it with my friends. Keep up the great content Kati 🙏👍
I know a girl which choosed her own happiness but didn't thought about how It affected other people, the whole thing ended up with that she lost a lot of friends in the process. She was in a relationship with a good guy but she left him for an other guy and said she that she wanted focus on her own happiness. Before this she hade the life going for her studies and work and a big social life. The problem was that when she started this new relationship she had less time seeing her friends. Some of her friends was going threw hard times and she wasn't there for them because she thought about her own happiness and new relationship. After a while things started to go downhill she dropped out of her studies and almost lost the contact with her parents. Soon after this her boyfriend left her. And then she tried to get back together with her old boyfriend and take up the contact with the friends. Her old boyfriend didn't want to have anything with her to do because he was really hurt after she left him, and her old friends didn't want anything with her to do either because she wasn't there for them when they was there for them when they was going threw hard times. She ended up being unhappy in the long run and she lost of valuable friends because of the wrong choices. To all people out there be careful with what you choose!
This thing to predict the future is a huge topic for me as well. I have found that preparing for the future helps so so much in those situations to make things go smoothly, to get my points across, to make others understand me, to not get in trouble. But I can't just predict the future, and sometimes things happen that I didn't predict, and I just freeze, I can't speak any more, or I scream, I fall down as I can't hold my muscle tension any more, etc. Worst thing is, people don't understand and think something terrible happened, they think I need a doctor, they think it is ok to touch me which it is not. I just need more time. More time, some calm explanation of what is happening, maybe a more calm space. I wish so much I could just not worry about what I need to do in the future and things would still go well. So so much. But it doesn't look like that's realistic.
Toni sorry to hear you are going through this right now. I’d HIGHLY recommend u see a mental health professional about this, if you aren’t already. It sounds like it may be related to sever anxiety & there are techniques & coping skills that can help you control and even prevent theses episodes
@@_just_TK I've had quite a bit of therapy, which made a few things better, and other things worse. I think therapy actually made my anxiety worse. I know a lot of coping skills, and a lot of what therapists suggest isn't working for me. I'm currently trying to find a therapist, but I can't find anyone available who is experienced in neurodivergence and trauma. There is one place, but for that I need an official diagnosis which waiting list has been delayed for months because of covid.
The right to take up space is really hitting me hard this weekend. I am doing the old social distancing thing and it is working well to prevent the spread of the virus, but I still feel very unwelcome around my friends. I will try journaling and talking to them about it after the weekend. I am afraid if I speak about it too soon it will stir the pot and make it worse.
I agree with all of this video and I know it’s a struggle of mine. But I only have trouble asserting boundaries with people who have demonstrated to me consistently that they will discharge their emotions onto other people and will act in extreme ways if this discharge of emotions is challenged through boundaries. These are people who I’ve cultivated my “closest” relationships with through allowing them to discharge their emotions onto me. I’m at the point where I feel like cutting the relationships out of my life is the only healthy boundary I can set to ensure it sticks 😫
you kind of reach some kind of milestone when you realise that .. non family members feelings don't matter as much as family members. i don't mean we can be rude to non-family members, but to work on your emotions within the family will sort things out with the public. thanks kati.
Complete strangers are considered family members, more so than "bound by blood family members" at this point in my life and, fortunately, it's been that way for at least 6 years that I FINALLY realized that... 💯🎯
I feel like the moment I started to engage life in the mindset of "emotional responsibility of the individual" - the more assertive I became. We can influence others but their reactions are ultimately that of their own... and their "emotional management" is their business. It's ok to express emotions but the management is of the individual, regardless of how much others try to blame others for their emotions (especially blaming others except themselves for patterns of emotions... emotional immaturity). It's very easy to blame, it takes a lot of self-work and changing our mindset to stop blaming others and start taking ownership of ourselves and our actions. For adults, it might feel cold to let go of catering to emotional management of other adults but you're doing each other a huge service to not engage this form of immaturity. I suppose it feels cold if there's unfamiliarity and fear, but the real stress is living in the people pleasing mindset - inauthentic and avoiding the emotional management of the self.
I use to have a friend who was very sensitive to things I would say and do. I had to tip toe all the time around our friendship, she would blame me for things and I would always feel awful afterwards. It took me a long time to learn that she should of just come to me and told me how she felt and just talk to me. We were best friends for 8 years and it got so bad the last year of our friendship. And the saddest part was she walked away from our friendship and tried to blame me for other things when our friendship ended. I’m still very open to talking to her if she were to come to me, but sadly I don’t see it happening.
I've been dealing with an acquaintance as of late who, when I spoke my opinions, took it as a means of a personal attack on her character. I felt partially responsible for her feelings and still feel bad about it almost a year later. You see, there was this dinner and the place was very loud and obnoxious. She was the one who set up the dinner for the group, so the so-called opinions were aimed towards her. After I said what I wished to say about the dinner in a private message to her, she blew up at me, accused me of being ungrateful, unfriendly, and rude, then she left our group abruptly, then came back 5 days later as if nothing was ever wrong. I'm sitting here with no closure as we haven't ever discussed this matter-I feel if I DO discuss the matter then I am the negative Nancy of the group by bringing it up. But, at the same time, I also care about MY feelings as a person and want closure! It also seems like NO ONE ELSE in the group is effected by her, even though equally they agreed with my opnions about the dinner..only myself and one other peson spoke up about it to her.She is a nice person on her platform online, but, in person, she is all about HERSELF..NO ONE ELSE. She doesn't have the group's best interest at heart. She has HER own best interests at heart when it comes to certain things.What you've said here really helps me because although I openly apologized to her in a personal message, I STILL am feeling my own feelings of abandonment by her as she's given me the cold shoulder ever since. She barely acknowledges me and only responds when she feels like it. With everyone else though, it's an entirely different story as she responds to them immediately. But, she and I don't know each other that well as she knows the rest of the group-I just met her in 2021. I need to realize that I am NOT responsible for HER feelings. And I also need to take my OWN feelings into account when dealing with this person. She's an overall very nice individual-bubbly personality; but like so many of us, she has her faults. She can be very immature when it comes to constructive criticism. I honestly wish I could go back and take what I said back by not saying anything at all-the old me would have kept quiet-but I can't change things; what's done is done, and I feel I have to face the consequences of what was said, even though I still strongly stand by what I said to her about the dinner overall! Thanks for letting me vent as it's bothered me as of late. I know she is probably not at all bothered by it, nor is anyone else of the group; especially the one person who brought it up to begin with. If anything she's more talkative with her than she has ever been with me. I just hope that those people aren't saying anything negative about me behind my back because of it. If so, then I may need to re-think my place within the group; do I REALLY belong?!
Therapy is a place that SHOULD be free of judgement, and while any therapist worth their salt will offer a judgement-free space, not all therapists will actually be so accepting. This is a subject that my friends and I have related upon, in the unfortunate experience of feeling misunderstood, judged and put down by a therapist when we’re most vulnerable. I say this to emphasize that it’s not necessarily your fault if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist. I understand in the context of this video, the asker is specifically addressing this issue as their own issue, but I want anyone that DOES feel judged by their counselor, or not confident in opening up, to know that it’s not your own shortcoming, your therapist may be unprofessional and unequipped for this role, and there IS someone better out there for you. Your trust should be earned by a therapist, and built upon.
I like your youtube videos because they allow me to rewatch or rewind when I feel I had too much resistance or distance to process what you were saing, Sometimes it just too true,
I have experienced done that, is like automatic. And there is also another thing, the other person resulted to not care about my care, at all. Then, in another vision of it, it can be exhausting to in real life, relate with someone who tries to read you, we just want a natural interaction, to enjoy from the richness of each individuation. I have realized that it is a way to maintain control in the relationship (and it is not due the person being a bad a one) to manipulate the outcome. Can be painful to accept, but is because That person wants something from the other that she/he can not provide for herself. You do have ti evaluate both sides. It is a Courage approach.
Where I get stuck is when it comes to making a decision that I know is going to upset someone else. I know what I want to do but knowing that isn't what someone else wants makes me feel that I shouldn't do something if I know someone else doesn't want me to do it.
On a certain level, we have emotions in our brain, the neurochemicals that show up in flow: so dopamine, norepinephrine, anandamide, endorphins, and serotonin. If you were to try to cocktail the street drug version of that, right, you're trying to blend like heroin and speed and coke and acid and weed- and point is, you can't do it. It turns out the brain can cocktail all of 'em at once, which is why people will prefer flow to almost any experience on Earth. It's our favorite experience. It's the most addictive experience on Earth. Why? 'Cause it cocktails five or six of the largest pleasure drugs the brain can produce. We're all capable of so much more than we know. That is a commonality across the board. And one of the big reasons is we're all hardwired for flow, and flow is a massive amplification of what's possible for ourselves.
This analyzing of others to figure out how they are feeling to ensure I respond appropriately... I do this, too. And unfortunately, I feel that as an autistic person, this is what people want me to do. I easily make mistakes in social settings, and often got the response that I should "consider how what I'm doing would make the other person feel". It feels like I need to overextend myself in social settings in order to be considered ok.
I feel the same way. Though I don't consider myself autistic. Sounds like quite a struggle. I wish you loads of energy to get through this and find a way to handle social situations in a way you'll feel better in them soon. ✊✊
Beth 2015 I know it’s not always easy to hear but it’s not our responsibility to make others happy. In reality, u can’t control all the factors affecting another person’s happiness & trying to will just lead to failure. While a person’s happiness is affected by other people, in the end, each person responsible for their own happiness & it’s unhealthy to try & control someone else’s circumstance. (I’m speaking from experience, having been on both sides)
If people know trigger points/weak spots and use them to control and hurt their victims, don't let them get away with the "your emotions are your responsibility" line. They will place full blame on their victims while psychologically terrorising them.
We are not responsible for the feelings of others (although we are responsible to them), and we cannot, nor do we, cause those feelings to emerge. Unless we do something intentionally hurtful to another person, the feelings that they experience are those that they have created for themselves.👍
I admit I get annoyed when 2 people with shopping carts are talking to each other and blocking the aisle, oblivious even to me saying excuse me. I think to myself I wouldn't be so disrespectful as to do something like that and fairly or unfairly judging, this all happens in my brain so fast that it's hard to stop and probably adds to my social anxiety. So I find myself walking a tightrope between being not wanting to be responsible for people's emotions and not wanting to feel selfish because I am one of the shopping cart chatters and am not respecting other's feelings.
It can be tricky finding that balance.. but I think the real growth comes from us building up our own confidence and healthy boundaries. Then we can respect other people's feelings while knowing we aren't responsible for them if that makes sense.... oxox
@@Katimorton Thanks Kati, it does make sense. A little common courtesy goes a long way in showing respect for others so if I just have to shake my head and knock a can of green beans on the floor to get their attention, that's what I'll do and then just move on and be happy that I understand courtesy and that I'm not responsible for their lack of. To me, it means being mutually respectful of feelings.
Thinking it will improve my emotional intelligence, I used to do these assumptions and overthinking about others feelings and a lot of analysis... never thought it is unhealthy till it happens and I suffered anxiety and hypersensitivity.. the problem was that I was passing my own mental issues and wasn't-by any chance- supposed to reach this stage.. and will never be.
I think I am empathetic with a fear of hurting others because I feel them myself. If someone is upset, I get upset. If someone is anxious, I get anxious. This can be very triggering to me and so usually many people have to be very careful around me. But I try not to blame them for my triggers. On the other hand, one of my parents often tell me "you hate me". They tell me how I feel, how I think or act around them because of them. It's really difficult to not feel responsible for their emotions when they're essentially saying "you make me feel hated". When they say things like "you're angry with me" I've had many many arguments with them trying to explain that my emotions are mine and mine alone, and that they have no right to tell me how I feel. But after years of trying, it's never really gone through their head. They also tell me I'm an "evil, awful, arrogant, rude person" for making them feel that way. Any criticism against their behaviour turns right around back at me.
I've always thought I had a 6th sense for people's moods and actions but turns out it's another manifestation of anxiety lol
Oh no : |
I feel this so much!
You made me laugh.
It resonates with me.
Seriously though, don't you think we develop more sensitivity, while being so attentive to others' emotions.
I feel like I've been practicing this so much that I do sense when something is off, even if I've not been told anything.
Lmaoooooooo yes
Another one here 😂😂😂
While I don’t think we’re necessarily responsible for other’s emotions, if we end up hurting someone it should definitely be acknowledged! :)
What is the difference?
Toni You’re not responsible for managing another person’s feelings if you didn’t have a role in causing them
THANK YOU FOR SOME COMMON SENSE
Beth 2015 No problem :)
Agreed!!! xoxo
Needed this, literally have been second guessing myself because someone in my life made me feel as if I was responsible for how they felt instead of them taking responsibility for their own emotional responses.
I am so sorry you are going through that, but I hope the video was helpful!!! xoxo
Yes and then saying that they dont feel supported. Everyone needs to pull up their big girl panties and say I am sorry. To me if someone says just sorry it feels 1/2 sorry. Words. Clarity. Integrity. Compassion.
@@Katimorton how do i forgive myself after falling for the trap of abandoning myself again to take responsibility for others peoples feelings? I feel such a loser at this moment.
“Someone in my life made me feel as if I was responsible for how they feel...” is this a joke? If someone is rude or inconsiderate of someone else’s feeling, or our actions, or lack of affected someone’s state of being because of an established close connection then we should take responsibility for someone’s state of being. It all comes down to integrity. Honesty, loyalty, empathy, compassion. What does it mean to you.
@@katiewags84 Point is that there are people who are overly sensitive that are triggered and require an apology for everything. We're not talking about scenarios where people are deliberately rude and obnoxious with their choice of words and attitude.
My mother made me feel like this. I had to tip toe around her to spare her feelings and how she reacts. It's very exhausting.
♥️🙏 I’m so sorry, that’s tough.
This is my life too, right now.
Same. Im 29 now but I can go right back to being a child if im around her. Its very upsetting. She can be very explosive. Im sorry youre dealing with that:(
I had similar issues with my mom. She even had the bonus of making my problems about her, even when they had nothing to do with her.
They know this and that's how they can manipulate you
I swear Kati has magic! Her Monday videos are almost always EXACTLY what can help address my CURRENT struggles!!!
She's always watching @.@ lol
I agree, Kinion magic is strong!
❤❤❤ yes, very timely for me too
I am glad it was good timing :) xoxo
♥️♥️♥️
I totally am this way. I often feel envious of others who can just be themselves and not have to worry about others think/feel. Being an empath can be so tiring and can hold me back from so many opportunities.
Totally!! I have struggled with this off and on myself and I am jealous when people don't worry too!! xoxo
I think this is more common than people realize! ♥️
Same !
YES
@@Katimorton There's nuance though. We are developing into a more interconnected species too....aware of our essential oneness with the other. I do not want to live in a world where I as an empath capable of a lot of love must expect everyone to just be responsible for how they feel and no one else........because there's no bounding there either. It's just a very nuanced topic. I don't think there's any logicaly stricly mental rule one can ascribe to. We have to BALANCE polarities....keep using our intuition and accept we are always reaching for a win win.
A "everyone is responsible only for what they feel" is not only NOT win-win.....it's also not alligned with reality. Because we are ALL empathic to a certain extent AND because what you do with your life DOES affect eeeeeeveryone else.......so in a sense becomes partly my responsability too :) If we didn't take responsability for killers and rapists as a society....we wouldn't be safe....as a really simplistic example. :)
We are only accountable for our thoughts, words, and actions. We can't control the way someone else interprets the things we say or do.
Exactly. xoxo
I don't know if I totally agree with that statement. If there is miscommunication and someone feels insulted or hurt by something someone says unintentionally, a decent person apologizes and clarifies what they meant to clear up any hard feelings. It may not be your fault per say, but that doesn't negate the harm.
I have far too often had people be inconsiderate, unintentionally hurtful, or just straight up assholes to me, and then they say "it's not my problem you took it that way" to diffuse responsability for themselves. It is frustrating as hell and not healthy.
@@OdinOfficialEmcee Agree. I work with someone who may say the truth but the way they said it and directed it towards others is hurtful, anxiety-inducing and just overall being an asshole. She says this SAME exact thing when I have to bring her into my office after several staff people have complained about the same thing. She will say "I can't control the way they feel" or "but it's the truth and I am sorry they can't handle it". This has been the most toxic work environment I have ever been in just simply because she thinks the exact same way as the statement from "Mental Health Hygiene w/Kumar".
@@OdinOfficialEmcee I can relate. And then they say "ohhh you're very sensitive" 😒
@@Katimorton Hello, I have had a near choking situation about 2 years ago. Ever since, I have been having anxiety about choking. I have panic attacks and I feel it is hard to swallow. What is this feeling? What should I do?
From personal experience, being a people pleaser and worrying about other people getting upset exists due to the fear we have about our own anger or rage. We're projecting and avoiding a part of ourselves. The first step to getting over this is to start asking yourself why do other people have more rights than me? Why do I have to worry about their feelings? What about my feelings?.....don't be surprised that when you start questioning yourself, you'll start having anger come up....sit with it and tell yourself that you have rights to feel what you do and your feelings are JUST as important as everyone else who you keep worrying about. It's a process but you'll find slowly that this tendency to put other people's feelings before your own will disappear. You're find a healthy balance.
What do people mean when they say "sit with your emotions"? Because if I just sit with them, I'll just end up dissociating, or otherwise I'll just scream and trash the place.
Toni it means to take the time to acknowledge ur own emotions instead of just focusing on others. If ur disassociating every time u do this that’s a HUGE red flag & you REALLY need to see a mental health professional about this.
Nicely said.
@@_just_TK Therapy was one of the places where I learned to dissociate. I kind of thought that I need to cooperate and answer all their questions and so I pushed myself through it and the only way I saw how to was to dissociate.
When two apologizers meet:
"Oh no I'm sorry!"
"I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to apologize!"
Then it spirals into singularity of apologies.
When INFP's meetup
Me (INFJ) and my INFP friend 😂
I DEFINITELY saw this behavior in my ex who grew up in an abusive home w/ 2 Narcissistic parents. They were CONSTANTLY trying to anticipating my needs & making assumptions about what I needed instead of just LISTENING to me.
Yes it can be a hard habit to break!! xoxo
My mum often joke-blames me for things. Like "you made me burn the toast" when I've had absolutely nothing to do with it. While I don't remember ever taking on the blame (because it's obviously not mine) I think I probably take on the shameful feelings some of the time.
Yes, same.
☹️
I have suffered from this since I was a child, and I'm 43. Thank you for sharing this 🙏 ❤
Of course!!! I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
♥️🙏
I really get this and can definitely relate as someone who was a major "people-pleaser". Learning to set those appropriate boundaries really helps a person to develop as a person.
It also made me think of the other side of this, as abusive people tend to use the "Look what you made me do" excuse. I think that impacted me a lot before I was able to set boundaries.
I felt this exact same way about my therapist. He told me almost exactly the same thing Kati said. I’m still working on it and sometimes it slips out. I just wanted the person who asked the question to know that you aren’t alone in that, and that it can be worked on for however long it needs to be worked on. You got this🌻
Im so happy that youre near one million subscribers. I subcribed when you were under 100k and seeing your growth makes me happy.
Thank you for always helping us get there together holding our hands and listening.
Thanks to Sean also for being there all the way with you❤🇩🇴🌷😘
Awe thanks!! I can't believe we are almost there!!! So crazy! And thank you for all the support along the way :) xoxo
I used to be like that within my family & personal relationships. Particularly with my parents & my sister. I'm slowly starting to realise that I don't owe them anything and I have rights & needs as well. I'm starting to be my own person. It has taken me a long time with therapy but I'm getting there.
Thank you Kati, you made 3 really good insightful points I haven't considered!
1. What is actually upsetting to us?
2. Only believe in facts not hypotheticals (read mind or future)
3. Ask them how they feel, tell them whats going on for you
I perceive I take more effort than others to be understanding ,empathetic and forgiving, so I expect them to be upset where I wouldn't be so I think the first tip doesn't work for me. Plus, people get upset by different things anyway.
One thing that helps me personally is to reflect on my experience of being judged and see that I'm a survivor - no judgement of others has forced me to lose anything I've not been able to gain elsewhere...so why worry so much what people think of me? Just do the best I can at the time to be loving and not worry, cause I think the exhaustion is from the worry rather than the action taken to make someone feel better? Sometimes even the action can be too much, better not overwork ourselves.
I always feel "in the way", and I constantly apologize. I'm going to have to watch this video a few times as I sense the truth I'm having difficulty internalizing it.
I hope it's helpful :) xoxo
Also check out her other video on over apologizing!
th-cam.com/video/3fCdT-EGUEc/w-d-xo.html
@@Katimorton Thank you, and thanks for being such a helpful resource outside of my therapy. I only journal because you say it so much, it's incredible how much it's helped. Have a great day and give yourself a big hug from me!
@@_just_TK Will do thanks!
This. Hit. Me. Hard.
Thanks for calling me out today Kati, I appreciate you more then words can explain. I hope you’re having a great holiday. Sending you and Sean all of the positive energy.
Awe of course :) I hope the video was helpful :) xoxo
It was very helpful, as are all of your videos! 💕 thank you for blessing this Monday with another informative video. X
Thanks Katie for this one!! I know (in my brain) that I'm not responsible for other's feelings. One area that this comes up though, is with my now 19 year old son. A few- years after his dad and I divorced (because he was an alcoholic and I couldn't take the unpredictability while trying to raise a 2 and a half year old), I started having trouble with my depression and anxiety and he took me to court for sole custody (I couldn't afford an attorney) & he won. I tried to remain a part of my son's life and now we have a pretty decent relationship, but sometimes he brings up things from that time to hurt me. He knows how to push my buttons. And at times, I feel bad or guilty because of what he says or does. I just had to remind myself that he doesn't make me feel a certain way. It's on me. How I think about it and respond. Thanks for the reminder to communicate. That's especially helpful for my sister and cousins.
I struggle with the opposite of this. A toxic person in my past would often behave and speak in inconsiderate, hurtful, or insulting ways, but if I tried to talk to them about it, they would say they didn't "make" me feel anything, and that they weren't responsible for my emotional state. (One might guess, this didn't seem to work in reverse and I was somehow often responsible for that person's feelings, decisions, and reactions).
Of course I understand the truth of what is being said in this video, but I've never quite managed to come up with a good "answer" when abusive people have used this sort of language to avoid accountability or put blame back on the person they have mistreated? There's still some kind of gap in my understanding here. I did eventually sever contact with that person, but I'm still not sure where a reasonable line should be between holding others inappropriately accountable for my feelings, versus the idea that people can treat me however they like because they're not "responsible" for it.
Maybe reframing this will help. It sounds like you’re trying to figure out the difference between holding a person accountable for your feelings and holding them accountable for their actions. They are not responsible for your feelings but they are responsible for the things they do. It’s up to you to communicate how their actions make you feel and to set boundaries when it comes to how people treat you. The “I feel” statements can be helpful here. For example “I feel anxious when you yell at me. In the future I would appreciate it if you didn’t do that.” Or “I feel hurt when you call me names. Please stop doing that.” If they continue to do it, it’s up to you to choose how you are going to respond. Are you going to let it go? Yell at them? Call them names? End the relationship? Whatever your response is, they will have feelings about it. You are not responsible for their feelings but you are responsible for your actions. Hope that helps.
I think we are somewhat responsible how we make others feel, we are not robots here. Our actions have consequences. But how other person is feelings depends also how they interpret the situation and from other factors, maybe they are tired aso. How others will respond is not our responsibility tho. Its they who choose how to act. It also depends so much of the context. If we feel our actions should never upset anyone, then its very difficult to set boundaries. If we never consider how we make others feel, we may loose relationships. Those are just examples. Its so much depends on the situation and how we interpret things.
@@gbeana81 For some reason TH-cam didn't notify me of your response! Thank you for this. I've kept on thinking about this question, and I realize I was hearing "you're responsible for your own feelings" as "your feelings don't *matter*" (which is essentially what that toxic person in my life meant when they said it). Of course, that's not true.
Having actually done a little further research, I have a clearer idea that my emotional well-being, like my physical health, is ultimately my responsibility. If someone was actively sabotaging or discouraging my efforts to manage my health, that would be bad and wrong... but it doesn't make managing my health anyone else's responsibility but my own (this of course would bar extreme situations like being physically dependent on another person). Same goes for my emotional health. If someone in my life behaves in hurtful ways on a regular basis, my emotional health is still in my own hands, and I need to decide how to manage the situation (as opposed to "suppress my feelings", which is how I used to interpret that statement).
Anyway, that's a lot of words to basically rephrase what you said to me here. Thank you for your answer! 😁
Same. This is a difficult position to hold onto, I think. The things we do will affect other people and emotions are not always products of logic and choice. It might be harmful to take full responsibility, but it's also harmful to take no responsibility. There is also a big difference between getting stuck in a grocery store aisle with a stranger, and upsetting a person with whom you share a lot of emotional intimacy.
Are they "toxic" and "abusive" or do you have poor boundaries around who you surround yourself with?
This line of thinking really enables so many abusers, especially narcissists, and it's just not true. Emotions are reactions to internal and external stimuli. If someone punches you, you don't choose to bruise. Same with feelings. If someone willingly hurts you, you aren't choosing that immediate hurt.
I completely agree.
You’re right, you’re not choosing that immediate hurt but you’re still responsible for that bruise or that hurt. You’re still responsible for putting liniment on that bruise and preventing it from happening again, and you’re still responsible for your emotions if someone hurts you
We should definitely distinguish this from people being deliberately cruel and intentionally causing someone to be upset.
YES AND ALSO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T BEING AWARE THAT THEY ARE HURTING SOMEONE OR CROSSING A BOUNDRY AND THINKING ITS OK!
Beth 2015 - Yes. Agreed.
@@privatepage4670 The difficult thing is, people who aren't aware that they are hurting someone or crossing a boundary can still be people- pleasers and doing the thing that is mentioned in the question - trying to guess what another person feels in order to behave in a way that doesn't upset them - as well.
@@toni2309 i got your point but my sister started treating me abusively and not respecting my boundries 3years ago because her ex abusive boyfriend was influencing her. She never acted like that before . When I would tell her she was making me sad choosing to stay with me against my will instead of my mom's house where she was welcomed she would say she couldn't make me sad," and she was draining every drop of emotional energy from me and i got depressed and withdrawn.
@@privatepage4670 That sounds pretty different than just not being aware, her saying that she couldn't make you sad even if you said that she was making you sad is not aknowledging you, not listening to you. If you are telling her obvious things that you would wish her to do in order to honour your boundaries and she is not doing them and doesn't have an excuse (like she could come to you tell you why this may be difficult for her) then that's not just unaware but ignorant.
I don't think that we are responsible for other peoples emotions all the time, but we are responsible for how we react to other people's emotions. I think that there is a time when we can be responsible for other people's emotions if we do something that may be good or bad towards them. For example the joy of throwing a surprise birthday party and the recipient being overwhelmed with joy, I feel in this case that this is a good thing to be responsible for a making them feel so happy. Also there are times when people deliberately go out to cause hurt and sadness and guilt. Then that person should be responsible for their actions causing bad emotions.
Love this video kati! When your videos match those of my therapist, it’s like the stars are aligned and I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Cheers :)
This question was like
Welcome to being an INFJ from a more or less toxic childhood
It sucks. But when you do the things Kati said (especially setting/maintaining boundaries!!) it gets better. It honestly does.
Agreed!
Nurul Aulia yess
KATI YOU'RE ALMOST AT 1 MILLION!!!! I'M SO PROUD
I think we all depend on each other and we are causing other people’s emotions all the time but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re “responsible” for every single individual, if that makes sense.🤔
Maybe the words should be "causal" and "accountable"?
You've got an upside down point of view but I understand what you're saying and I agree.
I don’t think we cause others’ feelings; maybe triggering what’s already there?
We all have the innate ability to be angry, sad, happy, etc. In relationships with others we constantly prick those buried “reservoirs” of feelings in each other.
But each person decides (often unconsciously) which feeling to give power to.
For instance, you can intend to insult me with an ugly word. Then I can choose to give power to my sadness or I can just decide to give power to my compassion and just smile, understanding that you have chosen to give power to your anger. Certainly to do this consciously takes lots of self awareness and practice.
I personally don't quite understand. I see that there needs to be some balance, and that we need to care about others as well, but I don't quite understand where to draw the line.
Toni - You draw the line based on the self awareness of your own feelings. You have to learn what feels right and wrong for you. If something feels wrong pay attention to that and ask why. The more you learn about your own feelings the easier it gets, because this teaches you how to respect your feelings and those of others.
Being an EMPATH myself, I appreciate this!!! Thanks, Kati 🥰
Did u catch the J-Bomb!?!? 😹
@@_just_TK yep, I'm catching a lot of them lately from all directions!!! Haha.
I've been struggling with this so much lately. Thanks so much for the advice Kati!!!
I tried to commit suicide in HS. I was sent to a psychologist by the school. My father's only comment on the entire ordeal was "How could you do this to your mother!?" He always made me responsible for her feelings. Mine had no merit.
I’m so sorry u were in such a bad place & I hope ur doing better! ❤️
So sorry this happened to you, I hope you find peace and happiness in yourself
☹️💔 Hugs 💞
I really dislike when people take those situations and make it about other people. It's really not fair. The person in question is the person who is struggling. It makes people understandably worry, but then they take their worries way out of hand and make it all about themselves, even to the extent of calling it "selfish". A person doing that is crying out for help and isn't recieving it, so maybe they should focus on the help rather than on themselves. I would also assume your pain also probably got worse by that comment. Sorry you had to deal with that.
Wow, I was looking for a video on this topic by you yesterday! What a wonderful coincidence that it was uploaded today. Thank you so much, Kati! Your videos have been a great support to me for years, and it's amazing how they always come at the time I need them too.
Your videos are really very helpful.When I hear you talking I don't feel like I am alone.I am really very grateful to you. And also I am following your advices and suggestions, now I feel more positive.
A school friend of mine that was controlling and toxic would tell me that she can’t control that I got upset because she said something very hurtful to me. It can be harmful to say that I am “choosing “ to feel this way.
Tbh you're friend has a point. You could react by walking away and keeping your distance or staying around and taking whatever she dishes. Where she went wrong was her delivery because it sounds like she completely dismissed you're feelings as I when she finds out you were hurt, not to apologise. But she's right in terms of you choosing to react to it.
Sounds like a shitty, toxic friend. Yes, you can choose to react differently but that doesn’t excuse her actions. That’s like punching someone in the face than saying “well, you shouldn’t react negatively”
BelizeHunni It is true that my reactions could be different but I think her goal was just to gaslight me and make me think what I was feeling was my fault and mine alone, and not because she was causing me pain.:( I do agree tho
I love you kati! You are so awesome and I hope to meet you one day! You are so close to 1 Million! I have been watching you for over 7 years and been here before you even had 100k. You have also inspired me to pursue mental health counseling. I started watching you in high school and now I'm in grad school.
This video was incredibly helpful and came in at just the right time. Thanks for all that you do Kati. Sending you loads of love♡
Oh yay!! Of course! Happy to help :) xoxo
This channel is the perfect mix of being educational and validating. You rule, Kati!!!!! ♥️♥️♥️
I wish I had Kati as a therapist she is very soothing and comfortable to be open with 🥰🥰🥰
The biggest impediment to having boundaries is what you make them mean about yourself. That's trickier for parentified children because they're already programmed to be responsible for things that aren't their responsibility.
Yes, taking on responsibilities of the adult as a child to help out definitely blurs the lines later on in life as to how one creates boundaries and doesn't end up getting taken advantage of for being so helpful/caring. It's alrdy been programmed from doing it however many years.... Good luck just turning that off, I've tried and going to be 35 soon with no success yet in just not being "too nice".
I had a falling out with my best friend of 18 years a few years ago who I realised is a very manipulative person. We still talk occasionally and we’ve shared a loss of an old friend this year. Last week her father had a heart attack. I decided to text her and let her know I’m thinking of her and her dad and sending love. I sent it 3 days ago and she is yet to reply. This has given me major anxiety because I think she is mad at me and that’s why she hasn’t replied. This video has made sense of this and just how much I try and read people’s minds. Thanks Kati.
Kati, you are amazing! thanks!
Just what I needed, I think I'm trying to control outcomes too much, instead of what I can do to respond and react, to manage my own thoughts and feelings. So helpful, so so helpful. I have this bad habit too of trying to predict the future, make assumptions and wanting to control how people will react or think. I should instead, be honest, communicate as honestly as possible and know that I am my own person, and I can have space, needs and wants.
The fact that you said apologising for moving out of the way is crazy made my British self chuckle
Imagine the Canadian reaction 😹
Omg thank you so much Kati I needed this more than air 💜 thank you with all my hart 💜💜very single video of yours is so helpful and also as always you are looking good 💜💜💜
Definitely relate to this! I have gotten so much better about it thanks to therapy. At times still struggle with it and even go to the complete opposite and shut everyone out. So definitely still a process but I am now aware of it and understanding it. So making those steps!
I just wish friends/family/ex bfs would learn to apologise when wrong or gain some self awareness but i guess you cant control that either lol!! Thanks for the video as i definately struggle with this ive had emotional and verbal abuse growing up and by ex bfs, im having to make sure and vet all the guys i date that they dont have red flags and are not narcissistic/jerks! Sometimes we have to give ourselves the closure we need receive from people cos letting go can be hard!:)
I used to be in this disposition. Bending over backwards for others to not make them feel bad. Until they betrayed me. Then i learned to give zero f*cks. And im happier for it now. I don't care about their feelings anymore. I am putting myself first now.
And yes Kati, i can't read their minds and i am done guessing. If they don't come up front to me and own their feelings i don't give a damn.
I am learning so much from this comment section, thank you all.
Kati: "Apologizing to strangers because they needed to get by me. That's crazy, right?"
Me: hahaha yeah, that's um...sorry [runs away]
😹
This is why I always reply to people if they apologize for passing between me and the side of the aisle I’m looking at. I always try to acknowledge that the situation is perfectly fine “no worries” - I started with this one because it’s faster than “no apologies needed” and I found that I realized that it _could_ turn into a worry for them later on, because it had for me in the past.
I can relate to this and am so relieved someone managed to put this anxiety into words ( I tend to be slow at putting my feelings into words). I have this anxiety to the point where I am afraid to greet people sometimes or be noticed, I just recently was able to tell my husband how I feel I'm an inconvenience or somehow just saying hello is somehow passive aggressive ( because my narc family would start conversations to simply appease others, try to get a benefit out of others, as the scape goat I never wanted to force myself into other's circles ). Because of family and bullying, there are times I feel if I say too much, even if it should not be a big deal, I have somehow put myself in danger. Something as innocent as my hobbies feels dangerous sometimes. And who doesnt like talking about healthy hobbies.
So sorry u grew up in such a toxic environment. This is something that you should probably see a mental health professional to work through it. I know it sounds impossible but I promise, with the right help it DOES GET BETTER!!! ❤️
I feel like bcz i am the boundry holder my sibs like to set me up like little kids testing boundaries. So occasionally i hafta be the big babboon that verbally hasta slap them with my values and reality. Firmly& gently. They continue to test with drunken shenanigans. Modeling self care and integrity. Thankyou for being PART OF THE SOLUTION! UR GREAT& NEVER GIVE UP!
I have this same tendency. From what I have learned..... being highly sensitive to other people's needs and emotional states can many times be a survival strategy. Life is about survival (survival of the individual, survival of the clan/family, survival of the species). There are several different basic survival strategies that people adopt automatically for interpersonal interaction (depending on genetics, temperment and environmental factors = how, where and by whom they were raised)..... People pleasing is a basic survival strategy, that works in some environments (especially in childhood and adolescence in difficult situations, eg. with toxic dysfuctional immature people who shift blame to others, with aggressive people, etc.). People pleasing later on in life within modern western society is however dysfuctional for the people pleaser (damages the empathic people pleaser) = leads to exhaustion, burn out, psychosomatic illness, mental illness, autoimune disease, etc.... Dr. Cloud and dr. Townsend explain boundries as well as other people's toxic reactions to healthy boundries in their book Boundries.
Thank you for your response, know that you helped me tonight thank you for that.
Since I decided to thank people instead of apologizing, I don't tolerate it when other over-apologizing trying to second-guess me. In that case, I tell them there is no need to, I'm responsible for what I feel, thank them for their concern, and move on.
I would argue not at all. Since an emotion is a product of one's own mind, the only conclusions that can be drawn from the sensation will be regarding the one feeling the emotion's own state of mind. It tells us nothing about the characteristics of what their emotions are a reaction to. Thus, the only individual responsible for emotions is the individuals feeling said emotion, absolutely nobody else. If one did not intend offense or inconvenience, then no apology is necessary, as the error lies exclusively with the one taking offense.
So, i had this situation with my cousin, who I was very close to. To make a long ass story short, in my confusion and pain from things she was doing over several months, i asked her some questions about something that was personal to her, which i didnt know it was. She’s ignored me, and that made me really angry and scared because, in my experience, being ignored the precursor to being left behind by people important to me. Later on, i found out that she ignored me because she was overwhelmed, even though she stated that i could talk to her about why i was upset with her. She also said that she felt I had overstepped my boundaries, which i did not know there were any in regards to this because she was usually very open and personal with me. She keep using that agains me, even though I’ve sincerely apologized. Not once in this entire situation has she said sorry for making me feel terrible and uncared for, and she hasnt once acknowledged that she could be in the wrong, where I have apologized many times for several different things thats i am truly sorry for and know I have done wrong. Her excuse is that she is not responsible for my feelings. But i feel she is using that as an excuse to not take responsibility for her actions. While its true that she isn’t responsible for the way I feel, i think she kind if IS in this situation because she did directly hurt me on many occasions. im honestly not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks for making these Videos. I am glad that this is not a common channel, and that you talk about all the details.
💖💖💖✨ Be blessed.
Thank you.
I have had this, too. It’s timely because I’ve been enduring some pain because of a decision I made a couple of years ago to make it easier, well , to comply with my landlord’s wishes. I still feel broken because of it. There’s some anger I feel that I want to express to that person because of how unjust it was, but I hold it inside because I don’t want it hurting others.
I know you said to ask questions, “did I actually make you angry?”.. I tend to ask these sorts of questions too much. My friends and I discussed it and concluded that me asking these things makes them feel like they’ve done something wrong, or that I am accusing them. I don’t know how to be considerate of someone’s feelings without going overboard. :( it’s really messing up my friendships because I always ask “are you mad at me?” “Am I annoying you?” Why do I need constant reassurance? My rational side doesn’t even care, but my emotional side takes over and it is exhausting.
My girlfriend does this. She dealt with an abusive ex boyfriend in the past, and now even though she won't admit it, lol, I find she's very scared to upset me or anyone else, to the point where she gets defensive sometimes. She asks me that question a lot, and I feel just like your friends. My advice is to work on your fear of upsetting others (this is where you're not responsible for others' feelings), and trust that if they are upset they will come to you in a healthy or obvious way. And of course, always be kind in how you talk! 😋
Thanks so much for this Kati, this was really useful to me as a parentified empath 💛
Thankyou for this video Kati. I liked it because it had good information. Thankyou for the effort that you put into making this presentation.
Of course!! I am so glad you liked it!! xoxo
Hii Kati! Would you do a video talking about the word crazy? Like the origins, different uses and everything. We kinda know but I think it would be really interesting having it in a video to talk about it! :D
We love you Kati! Thank you. Yahuah Baruk you!
This is so helpful and eye opening for me. Great question, great answer. Thank you.
I am so glad :) xoxo
Help! What if a family member always lashes out for the tiniest of things. She makes it such a big deal when you can just plainly approach the situation in a more calm manner so you you let your mind handle it, not your emotions. She doesn't know how to respond calmly to a small inconvenience or a mistake or even an innocent sentence that she overthinks in her mind and gave it a more malicious agenda, when in fact, there wasn't any. She's irritable all the time and doesn't listen to other people's suggestions to help avoid feeling angry all the time. She's mad from dawn till night. Banging the doors, stomping her feet, shouting too loud that even the neighbors could hear. She approaches her life in a very negative way. She always says "I'm gonna die soon anyway." just because she's already a bit old but it's unlikely, because she's still strong and not currently sick. Us in the household are really worried about her and are also getting a ton of negative vibes that it starts to affect the way we think and do stuff. Idk, I was thinking maybe some of the people here might help..
Similar situation but usually spawned by persons anxiety and a little better.
Vanessa Draws sounds like they are very manipulative. Here are some videos that might help!
th-cam.com/video/HfU3vliw_08/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/vAcWIRuoZRc/w-d-xo.html
th-cam.com/video/Ze6YB1gCDYQ/w-d-xo.html
I have immediate family that acts this way it's beyond exhausting
"she's mad from dawn till night"
Omg
That hit home
💯🎯❤️
Thanks for your help tonight
@@_just_TK thank you
Thank you alot...
I think Kati is a great therapist
It almost always comes down to childhood... it is also useful to ask ourselves what need are we trying to meet by acting this way? Need of love, need of safety (by trying to anticipate and control everything), etc. And yes indeed it’s very exhausting, it’s useful to learn how to communicate better, protect our energy & slowly accept that we can’t control people.
Thank you for your comment.
Please know that your comment helped me tonight and BELIEVE ME, tonight was the night I most needed this help. Thank you ❣️😊
Wendy Hodge Omg! So happy to read your comment! Thank you for letting me know! Glad I could help! 😊 Sending you blessings & positive vibes! ✨🌸
This resonated with me greatly. I'm currently working on trying to raise my self esteem focusing on living consciously, self responsibility and self acceptance, all covered in this video, so I thought I'd share it with my friends. Keep up the great content Kati 🙏👍
I am so glad it was helpful Graham :) xoxo
Exactly....👍👍 Thank you so much
Kati, how is it possible that you always post a video about exactly what I'm thinking/feeling lol...the timing is crazy! xo
I know a girl which choosed her own happiness but didn't thought about how It affected other people, the whole thing ended up with that she lost a lot of friends in the process. She was in a relationship with a good guy but she left him for an other guy and said she that she wanted focus on her own happiness. Before this she hade the life going for her studies and work and a big social life. The problem was that when she started this new relationship she had less time seeing her friends. Some of her friends was going threw hard times and she wasn't there for them because she thought about her own happiness and new relationship. After a while things started to go downhill she dropped out of her studies and almost lost the contact with her parents. Soon after this her boyfriend left her. And then she tried to get back together with her old boyfriend and take up the contact with the friends. Her old boyfriend didn't want to have anything with her to do because he was really hurt after she left him, and her old friends didn't want anything with her to do either because she wasn't there for them when they was there for them when they was going threw hard times. She ended up being unhappy in the long run and she lost of valuable friends because of the wrong choices. To all people out there be careful with what you choose!
This thing to predict the future is a huge topic for me as well. I have found that preparing for the future helps so so much in those situations to make things go smoothly, to get my points across, to make others understand me, to not get in trouble. But I can't just predict the future, and sometimes things happen that I didn't predict, and I just freeze, I can't speak any more, or I scream, I fall down as I can't hold my muscle tension any more, etc. Worst thing is, people don't understand and think something terrible happened, they think I need a doctor, they think it is ok to touch me which it is not. I just need more time. More time, some calm explanation of what is happening, maybe a more calm space. I wish so much I could just not worry about what I need to do in the future and things would still go well. So so much. But it doesn't look like that's realistic.
Toni sorry to hear you are going through this right now. I’d HIGHLY recommend u see a mental health professional about this, if you aren’t already. It sounds like it may be related to sever anxiety & there are techniques & coping skills that can help you control and even prevent theses episodes
@@_just_TK I've had quite a bit of therapy, which made a few things better, and other things worse. I think therapy actually made my anxiety worse. I know a lot of coping skills, and a lot of what therapists suggest isn't working for me. I'm currently trying to find a therapist, but I can't find anyone available who is experienced in neurodivergence and trauma. There is one place, but for that I need an official diagnosis which waiting list has been delayed for months because of covid.
The right to take up space is really hitting me hard this weekend. I am doing the old social distancing thing and it is working well to prevent the spread of the virus, but I still feel very unwelcome around my friends.
I will try journaling and talking to them about it after the weekend. I am afraid if I speak about it too soon it will stir the pot and make it worse.
I agree with all of this video and I know it’s a struggle of mine. But I only have trouble asserting boundaries with people who have demonstrated to me consistently that they will discharge their emotions onto other people and will act in extreme ways if this discharge of emotions is challenged through boundaries.
These are people who I’ve cultivated my “closest” relationships with through allowing them to discharge their emotions onto me. I’m at the point where I feel like cutting the relationships out of my life is the only healthy boundary I can set to ensure it sticks 😫
I know it sucks but sometimes the best thing for your own mental health is to cut theses people out of ur life
you kind of reach some kind of milestone when you realise that .. non family members feelings don't matter as much as family members. i don't mean we can be rude to non-family members, but to work on your emotions within the family will sort things out with the public. thanks kati.
WHAT ABOUT LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF
@@privatepage4670 being in touch with your family means you are in touch with your neighbours :D
Complete strangers are considered family members, more so than "bound by blood family members" at this point in my life and, fortunately, it's been that way for at least 6 years that I FINALLY realized that... 💯🎯
@@wendyhodge4036 it is what it is biologically speaking though : )
I feel like the moment I started to engage life in the mindset of "emotional responsibility of the individual" - the more assertive I became. We can influence others but their reactions are ultimately that of their own... and their "emotional management" is their business. It's ok to express emotions but the management is of the individual, regardless of how much others try to blame others for their emotions (especially blaming others except themselves for patterns of emotions... emotional immaturity). It's very easy to blame, it takes a lot of self-work and changing our mindset to stop blaming others and start taking ownership of ourselves and our actions. For adults, it might feel cold to let go of catering to emotional management of other adults but you're doing each other a huge service to not engage this form of immaturity. I suppose it feels cold if there's unfamiliarity and fear, but the real stress is living in the people pleasing mindset - inauthentic and avoiding the emotional management of the self.
I really needed to hear this today. Thank you Kati.
Aww. I was hoping to see a roleplay with Kati 1 and Kati 2 from the thumbnail!! *pouts* But topicwise, good info, as usual
Lol yea
Riya Potter I know, I wanted to see what “Brown Hair” Kati is like!! 😹
Stay tuned!! hahah!! xoxo
I use to have a friend who was very sensitive to things I would say and do. I had to tip toe all the time around our friendship, she would blame me for things and I would always feel awful afterwards. It took me a long time to learn that she should of just come to me and told me how she felt and just talk to me. We were best friends for 8 years and it got so bad the last year of our friendship. And the saddest part was she walked away from our friendship and tried to blame me for other things when our friendship ended. I’m still very open to talking to her if she were to come to me, but sadly I don’t see it happening.
I've been dealing with an acquaintance as of late who, when I spoke my opinions, took it as a means of a personal attack on her character. I felt partially responsible for her feelings and still feel bad about it almost a year later. You see, there was this dinner and the place was very loud and obnoxious. She was the one who set up the dinner for the group, so the so-called opinions were aimed towards her. After I said what I wished to say about the dinner in a private message to her, she blew up at me, accused me of being ungrateful, unfriendly, and rude, then she left our group abruptly, then came back 5 days later as if nothing was ever wrong. I'm sitting here with no closure as we haven't ever discussed this matter-I feel if I DO discuss the matter then I am the negative Nancy of the group by bringing it up. But, at the same time, I also care about MY feelings as a person and want closure! It also seems like NO ONE ELSE in the group is effected by her, even though equally they agreed with my opnions about the dinner..only myself and one other peson spoke up about it to her.She is a nice person on her platform online, but, in person, she is all about HERSELF..NO ONE ELSE. She doesn't have the group's best interest at heart. She has HER own best interests at heart when it comes to certain things.What you've said here really helps me because although I openly apologized to her in a personal message, I STILL am feeling my own feelings of abandonment by her as she's given me the cold shoulder ever since. She barely acknowledges me and only responds when she feels like it. With everyone else though, it's an entirely different story as she responds to them immediately. But, she and I don't know each other that well as she knows the rest of the group-I just met her in 2021.
I need to realize that I am NOT responsible for HER feelings. And I also need to take my OWN feelings into account when dealing with this person. She's an overall very nice individual-bubbly personality; but like so many of us, she has her faults. She can be very immature when it comes to constructive criticism. I honestly wish I could go back and take what I said back by not saying anything at all-the old me would have kept quiet-but I can't change things; what's done is done, and I feel I have to face the consequences of what was said, even though I still strongly stand by what I said to her about the dinner overall!
Thanks for letting me vent as it's bothered me as of late. I know she is probably not at all bothered by it, nor is anyone else of the group; especially the one person who brought it up to begin with. If anything she's more talkative with her than she has ever been with me. I just hope that those people aren't saying anything negative about me behind my back because of it. If so, then I may need to re-think my place within the group; do I REALLY belong?!
Therapy is a place that SHOULD be free of judgement, and while any therapist worth their salt will offer a judgement-free space, not all therapists will actually be so accepting. This is a subject that my friends and I have related upon, in the unfortunate experience of feeling misunderstood, judged and put down by a therapist when we’re most vulnerable.
I say this to emphasize that it’s not necessarily your fault if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist. I understand in the context of this video, the asker is specifically addressing this issue as their own issue, but I want anyone that DOES feel judged by their counselor, or not confident in opening up, to know that it’s not your own shortcoming, your therapist may be unprofessional and unequipped for this role, and there IS someone better out there for you.
Your trust should be earned by a therapist, and built upon.
This TH-cam channel is a life saviour!
I love the tip to "check the facts"
So helpful Kati
I like your youtube videos because they allow me to rewatch or rewind when I feel I had too much resistance or distance to process what you were saing, Sometimes it just too true,
I have experienced done that, is like automatic. And there is also another thing, the other person resulted to not care about my care, at all. Then, in another vision of it, it can be exhausting to in real life, relate with someone who tries to read you, we just want a natural interaction, to enjoy from the richness of each individuation. I have realized that it is a way to maintain control in the relationship (and it is not due the person being a bad a one) to manipulate the outcome. Can be painful to accept, but is because That person wants something from the other that she/he can not provide for herself. You do have ti evaluate both sides. It is a Courage approach.
I never realized I had this issue until a few months ago. Finding out was eye-opening but didn't make me feel better.
Where I get stuck is when it comes to making a decision that I know is going to upset someone else. I know what I want to do but knowing that isn't what someone else wants makes me feel that I shouldn't do something if I know someone else doesn't want me to do it.
please could you make a video about what to expect from your first therapy session? ☺️
She already has a great video on this! th-cam.com/video/9FiVVAOXiEQ/w-d-xo.html
TK thank you so much. i’ll check it out later today
On a certain level, we have emotions in our brain, the neurochemicals that show up in flow: so dopamine, norepinephrine, anandamide, endorphins, and serotonin. If you were to try to cocktail the street drug version of that, right, you're trying to blend like heroin and speed and coke and acid and weed- and point is, you can't do it. It turns out the brain can cocktail all of 'em at once, which is why people will prefer flow to almost any experience on Earth. It's our favorite experience. It's the most addictive experience on Earth. Why? 'Cause it cocktails five or six of the largest pleasure drugs the brain can produce. We're all capable of so much more than we know. That is a commonality across the board. And one of the big reasons is we're all hardwired for flow, and flow is a massive amplification of what's possible for ourselves.
This analyzing of others to figure out how they are feeling to ensure I respond appropriately... I do this, too. And unfortunately, I feel that as an autistic person, this is what people want me to do. I easily make mistakes in social settings, and often got the response that I should "consider how what I'm doing would make the other person feel". It feels like I need to overextend myself in social settings in order to be considered ok.
I feel the same way. Though I don't consider myself autistic. Sounds like quite a struggle. I wish you loads of energy to get through this and find a way to handle social situations in a way you'll feel better in them soon. ✊✊
Awwie
your doing the right thing we should always want others around us to be happy and if someones not somethings got to chnge.
Beth 2015 I know it’s not always easy to hear but it’s not our responsibility to make others happy. In reality, u can’t control all the factors affecting another person’s happiness & trying to will just lead to failure. While a person’s happiness is affected by other people, in the end, each person responsible for their own happiness & it’s unhealthy to try & control someone else’s circumstance. (I’m speaking from experience, having been on both sides)
If people know trigger points/weak spots and use them to control and hurt their victims, don't let them get away with the "your emotions are your responsibility" line. They will place full blame on their victims while psychologically terrorising them.
This was so helpful, i loved it! Defo sending to a few friends xoxo
We are not responsible for the feelings of others (although we are responsible to them), and we cannot, nor do we, cause those feelings to emerge. Unless we do something intentionally hurtful to another person, the feelings that they experience are those that they have created for themselves.👍
I admit I get annoyed when 2 people with shopping carts are talking to each other and blocking the aisle, oblivious even to me saying excuse me. I think to myself I wouldn't be so disrespectful as to do something like that and fairly or unfairly judging, this all happens in my brain so fast that it's hard to stop and probably adds to my social anxiety. So I find myself walking a tightrope between being not wanting to be responsible for people's emotions and not wanting to feel selfish because I am one of the shopping cart chatters and am not respecting other's feelings.
It can be tricky finding that balance.. but I think the real growth comes from us building up our own confidence and healthy boundaries. Then we can respect other people's feelings while knowing we aren't responsible for them if that makes sense.... oxox
@@Katimorton Thanks Kati, it does make sense. A little common courtesy goes a long way in showing respect for others so if I just have to shake my head and knock a can of green beans on the floor to get their attention, that's what I'll do and then just move on and be happy that I understand courtesy and that I'm not responsible for their lack of. To me, it means being mutually respectful of feelings.
this is something I struggle with a lot, even if I know it's not my fault...
Thinking it will improve my emotional intelligence, I used to do these assumptions and overthinking about others feelings and a lot of analysis... never thought it is unhealthy till it happens and I suffered anxiety and hypersensitivity.. the problem was that I was passing my own mental issues and wasn't-by any chance- supposed to reach this stage.. and will never be.
I FEEL THIS 💯
I think I am empathetic with a fear of hurting others because I feel them myself. If someone is upset, I get upset. If someone is anxious, I get anxious. This can be very triggering to me and so usually many people have to be very careful around me. But I try not to blame them for my triggers. On the other hand, one of my parents often tell me "you hate me". They tell me how I feel, how I think or act around them because of them. It's really difficult to not feel responsible for their emotions when they're essentially saying "you make me feel hated". When they say things like "you're angry with me" I've had many many arguments with them trying to explain that my emotions are mine and mine alone, and that they have no right to tell me how I feel. But after years of trying, it's never really gone through their head. They also tell me I'm an "evil, awful, arrogant, rude person" for making them feel that way. Any criticism against their behaviour turns right around back at me.
They guilted the heck out of you, and now as a defensive mechanism you're sensitive to the negative feelings of others.
This video just ated me so hard 😂👍🏼thanks Kati