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The Endless, Exhausting Competitiveness of Hijackals
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ส.ค. 2024
- Competition is exhausting. Most people only do it in one or two small areas of life. When you have a Hijackal parent or partner, it is a daily occurrence--even minute-to-minute--in large and tiny ways. Some, you may not even recognize. Listen to learn to disengage!
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
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#Hijackals #toxicpeople #narcissists #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stoptoleratingabuse #toxicrelationships #manipulation #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #narcissisticabuse #personalitydisorder
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I love the terminology "hijackals". it bypasses the whole "you can't diagnose people without blah blah blah" thing. People need to understand narcs and cluster b nutcases in an easy pedestrian way. Make the language simple and accurate for laypeople to use in real life. This is a crisis in our society
You've got it. That's why I created the term, Hijackals. Folks need to see patterns, traits, cycles, and behaviors without attempting diagnoses.
@@ForRelationshipHelp yes, you are a pioneer in that way. Medical establishment doesn't want ppl to understand narcs, neither does the gov I think. Narcs serve a purpose for the elites, they help elites keep us down. Disarm them with knowledge
Amazing work. I think I came across another Hijakals... First date all he could talk about was how is ex wife was NEGATIVE... And here he was trying so hard to make me do things he wanted... He listened to me with his eyes closed... SMH... Folks are crazy. I am thankful to all the educational videos on Hijakals. You guys are saving million of people. Remain blessed🙏🏾😘
Thank you! I'm glad that you saw the red flags early in the relationship. Well done!
Someone once said that whoever the hijackal type (they used the narcissist terminology) dates after you will always be a weaker person. You were able to fight off their attacks and you came out on the other side stronger. Never forget that. It really helped me when I found out my ex husband remarried and she was everything he had always said he wasn’t looking for.
Closure is the best gift to ourselves once being exposed to such a toxic people.
I agree with you. And, closure is something you give yourself, rather than something you receive from another.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thanks Doctor.
I had a therapist for 2 years i was very close to. I took my HJ in with ne to same therapist not fully knowing he was a HJ. My therapist was triangulated as i also paid for private seesions for HJ over several months. I lost my therapist and went then no contact with HJ. Talk about the reactive abuse that ensued. I was reduced temporarily to a state i thought would not occur again. Swore following no one would ever do that to me again.
Wow. This explains so much about my husband. I wonder who broke him when he was young. Thank you for helping me see that I’m not crazy. 💕
You're very welcome!
Anger, blaming, story twisting. I had an established home that i gave up to marry him. 7 months later we we are divorcing.
Rebuilding at 63.....
Ugh, my sister made everything a competition.
Big Ugh! I hope it helps you to see her behavior in light of this video's contents.
Thank you so very much for this very informative, validating video. The hijackal I share a home with has been triggered for the last 4 days. So I left and I have been staying with a friend in another city for 4 days. Triggered is a very good term. The hijackal has sent me at least 100 vile and disgusting words about my character in text which I have deleted and he is blocked. I am now out of denial and seriously thinking about my options. Of course this pattern is not the first time but it is the longest trigger response on record, usually lasts 2 days. I'll need to get a lawyer I think as we own a home together. Probably purchased during a love bombing 4 years ago. We are not married. I am looking forward to learning my options.
You're so welcome, Becky. In future, best to keep and print out those vile texts to use as evidence , if needed, to his character. You'll likely need an attorney, however, it depends where you live. You've done a good thing staying away from him. I hope when you return he does not escalate. I wish you well.
@@ForRelationshipHelp oh, geez, I should have kept them, darn it!😥
When you are surrounded by toxic people can you become toxic after a few days? "Show me your friends and I will show you your future" , show me who you are surrounded in office and I will tell you who you will become. One drop of color cannot make entire bucket of water of that color , but that color will dissolves. This works in case of human beings as well.
You may become disgruntled, frustrated, infuriated, and fed up quickly. If you become toxic, that's your decision. You may be seen as toxic, though, if you set boundaries, speak up, and are assertive.
I briefly dated a Hijakals... He made a mistake to call me out of my name. And I left him. He blamed me for everything except cheating although I believe he was cheating... Lol . I think one of my sister is a Hijakals too. I can't stand her... All she does is triangulate the entire family. This is a curse having a Hijakals in ur circle ‼️
Yes, if you have #Hijackals in your life, you want them to be as far from you as possible.
So true my whole family are hijackal, I believe 😟
Since I've delved into so much learning with your infinite knowledge, I've learned how to begin to not let them break me. It's really hard in the beginning. Sometimes I just repeat.... I'm feeling disrespected. It annoys them tremendously. This one particular, long term friend, struggles, in that tone if voice, for words.
Thankyou for everything that you do to help ❤️
Wow, this is dead on behavior of my Mom!
Scary! My older brother used to call her the " evil one" when we were kids....but now that at he is 47, he acts just like her. I stopped talking to them a few weeks ago and I feel great. .! But its still sad at the same time. I want to tell her what I discovered about her toxic personality, but I know that is just useless. I know she would probably never change, but I feel like I should at last give her this info so she could have at least a chance in hell to change, at least for my sake, so I could just walk away and say that I tried..?
You're right. It is probably useless from the point of view of anticipating any change in your Mom. It may be useful from the point of view of knowing you spoke up. The problem is that Hijackals do not take feedback gracefully, as you too well probably know. Anything that seems remotely like blame to them cause them to turn on you.
You'll calibrate the right thing to do for you. I wish you well.
Thank you for tour reply! I agree. My main reason for wanting to tell my Mom, is because I really believe she is not conscious of what she is doing. I think its a generational thing. I think she really believes she is a great Mom! I know people wity these traits do not tend to change, but I cannot believe chang is not possible. I cannot stand her damaging ways, and I choose to avoid her now, but I want the best for her anyway.
I would probably feel guilt not sauing anything and keeping the secret to her mental health hidden from her even longer.
Everything between us, especially anything related to our kids, he makes competition.
You are absolutely incredible thank you!
You're welcome!
I've had a married couple living with me for a couple of years,and the husband and I are noticing these behaviors in his wife(this relationship isn't going to end well).
I’m struggling with my step-mom. Everything in your hijackal/narcissistic contempt video was a revelation for me. I knew she didn’t like me and has poisoned my dads opinion of me, but now I understand how it’s actually contempt. How can I make my dad see I’m not what she says I am? She has won the competition for my fathers attention- a competition that shouldn’t even exist and doesn’t make any sense! I’m so sad I’ve lost my dad (although let’s be honest, he had some toxic tendencies before her anyway, but I always thought we could figure it out).
Is there any hope for me and my dad? (I’m going to save up for a session, I know that’s too much to ask in just one comment haha!)
Hi!
#Hijackal step-parents certainly create competition. Your stepmom likely wanted to be "first," and in order to be in that place in her relationship with your father, she had to "destroy the competition." So sad, but #Hijackals are unreasonable, illogical, and abusive!
Your dad, as you say, had a few issues, and then he married at women with more. He decided where "his bread was best buttered," right? Does he keep peace with her or the kids? Does he side with her or the kids?
Your question about hope for a relationship with your father: Well, you have one. It's just not what you wish it could be. As an adult, though, you look at your father's choices as just that: he could have chosen anything and he chose what he chose. Sure, you can understand why a person might do that from a psychological point of view. But, when it's your dad, understanding it on the emotional level is a whole different thing.
Likely you know that finding fault with your stepmom to your father is a non-starter. So, the relationship you develop with your father may do best with some boundaries, e.g., no conversation about the stepmom.
I wish you well...and look forward to talking with you sometime soon.
@@ForRelationshipHelp ..... thank you. I can’t express with words how much your response means to me. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about all this and I’ve been going a little crazy in my own head about it all. You gave me some things to think about that I never really wanted to face, but seeing the words written down makes it so much more clear. It’s hard to accept parents as they are and not what we wish they were. Thank you for the boundary idea, and I really look forward to your videos and hopefully getting to talk with you soon. Again, thank you so much for your thoughtful response, it was more than I even hoped for! Shouting into the void and having someone actually respond is surprisingly wonderful. 🙏
@@katietrongogo I loved this thread. Learning to accept things as they are and not as we want them to be, is not easy, but it is a vital lesson. One that gives me strength when I remember to practice this way of thinking.
All Presidents go through a body language training on how conduct themselves especially on the world stage. When they are not aware of these 15:32 mannerisms it usually is used by their opponents as a sign of weakness. This is such a sad attitude
I spot 🤡right away now!! LOL
Then I run!
Yay!
Very grateful for your videos and resources! I find them very helpful! ❤️
You are so welcome!
70 years experience with 3 narccissts. It is all them.
Hi I listened to your verbal abuse video and what you described is exactly how my mum was with me. She used to tell me how I felt or that I should not think this or that...or ' you should feel..."
One time j did try to tell her (maybe cheekily ) " how would you know how I feel ? " she then turned and said " you are taking this the wrong way..I never meant it like that ? "
I mean that confused me more ??
It made me infuriated..and I don't know why...?
I just did not feel listened to it heard in the relationship or that there was something wrong with my feelings or my thoughts ?
It still bugs me to this day and I still question myself if I am wrong to think this way or feel like this way...i think it might be linked to why I am unsure if myself in relationships.
I also have no boundaries because at the times k did state my feelings or my opinion my mum would shut it down saying o was being too sensitive or taking things out of proportion...
So I question myself alot...esp in relationship a...I think it might be the clue to why I attract abusive relationships as I don't have confidence in my self to say my feelings or opinions...I worry me standing up for myself is me making a mountain out molehill so I be quite and the abuse continues or either I stand up for myself and my partner tales mood with me just like my mum did....so still don't feel heard
..not a good place to be...
How to get out this pattern I don't know...
I think I need therapy for sure Xx
You are doing a good job recognizing what has happened to you. You might get more insights from this week's video: th-cam.com/video/etR_ZhcJ9vQ/w-d-xo.html
I'm always here to help. We can talk about these patterns, and how to get out of them. BeAClient.com
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
I so hear that. I also get that now. I have been told I make " Stupid assumptions that come from nowhere.' It certainly makes you wonder about yourself and WOW!! 'You are taking this the wrong way I never meant it like that.' I get those exact words. Everything you say I totally get. You are not alone.
Projection felt like she accused me before i accused of the wrong doing
My dad was the example for that :( always looking for the slight! He would have to have his virgin fork 🍴 spoon knife! My sis grew up to be him and mom. Mom covert and unavailable!! I’m in the shed and now I’m leaving to my better life without being in a competitor where I’m benched and I don’t get to play yet I’m still the bad guy every day! My sis was coked out and never participated in family get togethers! Crystal and I always had to do everything including watch her children while she slept!!! DONE ✅
Ty for this podcast. My landlady i live with is a very frustrating person. I tried to set boundaries but she dismisses what i say. She once tried to advise..i call it..educate me on my disability..(20 yrs ive been this way) i was so angry and called her out on it. Now we arent speaking. Its awkward but at least i have peace now. I could never say ANYTHING without her input, competition, or meddling. I said..Dont mother me. She just cant help herself.
Is it normal for these types to have nothing in their lives and like to copy what you do?
Yes, it is! Or, the opposite: they have nothing and try to tear you down for having something. They like to copy what you do often so they can compete. Did that happen, or seem to?
@@ForRelationshipHelp I just saw this comment. so apologise for the delay I feel he has nothing going on. I confronted that this weekend, well I mentioned his lack of goals and aspirations and he has now stopped speaking to me because he took it as an attack on him. Maybe I was a bit blunt but zero point flowering things up. I just said it as I saw it. I also noticed him writing nasty things on his social media about a celebrity he knows I like. Maybe some jealousy? Who knows. Seems he lives his life through me. I can't work him out at all. The silence is peace
If I caught my partner doing something I dislike and throw it in her face even in a polite way she will reverse topic make things about me and will not stop even if I try to end the arguement she will just intensify it🤦♂️
This is very common with Hijackals. You might find value in this video: th-cam.com/video/zp5cxd_CGXA/w-d-xo.html
wow - my 50th bday my dad made it about him..and my ex whenever I had accolades he was never happy. I was always happy for him -had this both and it really messed me up
I would like to hear more. Thanks! Why do hijackes disrespect you and tell you get out of there home if you say something back to them.
Please tell me why my father but treats mean then believes my sister who lies all the time
Hijackals do what Hijackals do and the only why is because that's what they have learned and decided to do to hopefully gain power and control over others.
Your father may be a Hijackal and your sister may be his Golden Child. Could that be true?
The truth hurts. When you stand up to them and show them you aren’t intimidated, they don’t know what to do but to throw a tantrum. Very immature and short on integrity. Poor souls, feel sorry for them and their lack of a developed brain.
amazing information 🥰👍🌹❤
I'm glad you found it interesting.
Awesome
How can I tell if I’m one too .I present as a borderline.. I have become coercive controlling trying to stop him from triangulating me with women. Heard of this anyone?
It's a good question to ask yourself. If you've become coercively controlling, is that who you want to be? Don't become coercive because of someone else's behavior. Choose your behaviors and be you.
Are you willing to look at the potential wisdom of setting a boundary with a consequence regarding the triangulation? If you are strong about your boundaries and the consequences of crossing them, you can take action, not try to change his behavior. That would be exercising your personal power to have the life you want.
I wish you well with it.
@@ForRelationshipHelp how does one set boundaries? I was raised by a toxic set of young parents..my mom engulfed and parentified us, my dad verbally, sexually and emotionally abused us and triangulated us with his new wives …it was like abandonment . I guess I attracted to my imago match ? What do healthy boundaries look like? What’s fair to say to someone ? I’m called insecure and paranoid alot when I try to assert some boundaries.
My husband wants me to make him.the centre of attention even when he does not deserve it.. one thing that he will do is do like say you know if I hold him accountable that's the worst can't take it I what am I, but if he holds me accountable I'm supposed to take it for when I hold him accountable is the problem like today I told him you know he's listening to me through Alexa although we're married you know he doesn't have us both having the Alexa app together and then he disconnected me disconnect my phone to connect my phone so I can't make any outgoing calls or get any incoming calls or is that a control tactic but I'm still trying to figure out is that also I'm a manipulative narcissist or what
Limiting your ability to communicate with others in your world is controlling and abusive. That is unhealthy for you, and in the relationship. I hope you'll listen to the most recent videos on Emotional Abuse and Trauma-Bonding to understand more deeply what may be going on in your relationship. Always reach out!
I was with a HYJACKAL like this for 10 years. That was 10 years ago. Please run. He almost destroyed me.
@@bodymindsoul60 omg
@@bodymindsoul60 when u say destroy how do mean?
This makes me sad because I think me and my husband are hijakals😢 how tf do we fix it??
It can be sad, but recognizing the possibility is the first step to fixing it.
You'll need help to fix this because you cannot talk with each other about it with any truth.
If you'd like my help, use my new client opportunity here: BeAClient.com
Husband is blaming me
Haha in silent treatment!! Lol
Where did you say we could go to get a session from you? I missed it . Ty
Hi,
The new client, one-hour session is here: BeAClient.com
Do u excpet insurances..
Hi. I don't accept insurance, however, I do offer receipts at the end of each package of sessions for clients to submit for reimbursement.
@@ForRelationshipHelp oh ok.
Honestly, your reference to TRUMP is a good one. but it is not appropriate. He had to make an image for the responders worldwide and he was doing the right thing in that moment. It was a VISUAL and it will be understood. It was Leadership in a time when the world needed it.
Not making this political and I appreciate it if you don't as well. There are far more references in political history that could be brought to the unhealthy and abnormal discussion here. You are someone who really understands the "fight within" and how we who live with them can gain insight.
you are right
🤡...R experts at playing on your shame if you haven’t dealt with it, beware.
Absolutely true, Annie! And, if you have been vulnerable and shared with the #Hijackal things that have hurt you in the past, they weaponize those against you. Sad. Nasty. True.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Ye I have experienced that 10 fold. It's ok for him to hide his 24-year-old son for a year etc but when I just don't want to talk about not being intimate because I just don't feel like it then the weapons come out.
Please keep politics out of your projections.
yes
I LOVE TRUMP ! He is not a narcissist ! He did not take a cent and is the BEST PRESIDENT EVER ! Unsubscribed !
🤡
Yes
.trump is not a hijackal as much as i love this info
He definitely has narcissistic tendencies. He's never shown courteous or caring behavior.
@@bodymindsoul60 😄
😏🤦♂️
I thought your stuff was good until I hear you putting down former President Trump. That was not necessary and it showed a definite chink in your armour.
It was not in their best interest to allow you to "make sense," right? That's a typical #Hijackal response: "You don't make sense. I'm the sane, right, rational, correct one." Sad.
She wasn't putting him down she was using his behavior as an example. Do you think he's a humble man?
He wanted to be your next dictator dummies🥂🇺🇸 SAVE YOUR SANITY NOW!!!
@@ForRelationshipHelp Trump is so narcissistic and I loved you calling it out!!
He said he was a pu**y grabber. Thats the first thing i heard from him and knew ge wasnt a kind or respectful person. If you condone that kind of behavior youll agree to anything else he does.
Yikes! Bad form to attack, Trump. Doubtful you’ve ever met him. One behavior based on your observation doesn’t make him disordered. We get it. You don’t like him. You’ve attacked him on more than one video. It’s not professional to call out by name and be abusive to anyone in a public forum; especially as a mental health practitioner. What if you’re projecting? Do stop. The comments say more about you than, Trump.
I wish she hadn't.