Stop Being So Nice... (as an ex-Google millionaire)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 พ.ค. 2024
- Ex-Google TechLead self-justifies not being nice all the time. 💵 [LIMITED TIME] Get 2 FREE Stocks on WeBull (Deposit $100 and get 2 stocks valued up to $1850): act.webull.com/k/S4oOH2yGOtHk...
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Its always good we give those below us a helping hand.
@Keith Mak lol, well u may want to get a medium that could be used to stretch down to them
Hey tech you think the ppp loan is legit
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use the legend for them colors
have XII at normal square color
add VII to central square colors
realize how's choose your three
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bear a preference towards last
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share by taking any 3/7 of it
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Lessons I've learned from this video:
-be assertive
-set boundaries
-be discerning
and subscribe, hit the like button
I have been a people pleaser all my life I couldn’t say no. No I say it all the time and people may not be in love with my kindness but they respect me . Men need respect woman need love
You don't have to set boundaries or be assertive if you don't associate with people whom assertiveness and boundaries are required.
Just stay away and you can even be a sheep if you wanna. Yet a sheep can't be a sheep in the midst of a pack of wolves and slimy snakes - That's the lesson!
@@lrt35 It will be devoured. Truth hard learned (y)
There’s a difference between being kind vs having poor boundaries. Putting your needs first is healthy.
Christianity: Press X to doubt.
It depends how you say it though everyone IS suppost to be kind you can still deny something without cursing or shouting unless they don't listen and are manipulative then yeah shouting would do the trick.
Exactly, fill your bucket first. The overflowing water will help others.
Yes. I will always choose myself first, I hope my future self would remember this
not with woman.
"Life isn't fair and it's not necessarily your job to make it fair". Words to live by.
Bugs will be crushed by white old men , first condition separate them, raise them selfish
It's the government's job to make it fair...
@@g3nov3s They are ordinary people made from meat, and fight for power not to serve more, but less.
@@MetaJamm
Back in the communist era in my country, the government's slogan was something that would be roughly translated as: "People aren't born equal, but we're working hard to make this happen."
It is actually. Life is what we make of it.
Because I refuse to “be kind” to my ex spouse, now all of a sudden, “I’m angry, I’m better, I need therapy, and I never grew up in a marriage” are his EXACT words of attack towards me. He’s a narc, liar, manipulator, user, and serial gaslighter. Over it! That is why I set boundaries and I am no longer kind. Being kind is a waste of my time It gets me nowhere and I get nothing out of it. I realize being a b!tch is better and I get far more respect! That is what works for me. Thank you for creating this video. All it does is confirm that I am not going crazy and my new true behavior is best👍🏼
I've been too kind to people my whole life. It's definitely gotten me into some sad situations. But I've found 2 quotes that I like to merge when it comes to kindness:
1) Light a candle and guide those who are lost, but 2) don't set yourself on fire to brighten someone else's existence. Be kind, bit don't be afraid to set boundaries. Everyone deserves that. Even Jesus had boundaries.
*but
Love that quote! It's not your job to save people who don't want to be saved.
What were Jesus's boundaries? Can you say more about that please
Correct
Love this! I was thinking about Jesus during this video too and this answered my heart
At the end of the day, being fair is more sustainable than being kind.
@kakashi sentai stfu
@kakashi sentai the problem is, not EVERYONE receives the "gift"; regardless if it's good, bad or indifferent..
@@ahmusg8054 He's trolling. lol
@kakashi sentai yeah but people can mistake kindness for weakness and take advantage.
Exactly. I only ask for fairness and be treated equally. Kindness is a nice to have, but equality is what i want
"Make people earn that generosity"
It's so crazy how much people can really feel so entitled to you doing things for them. It's borderline delusion. But yes, if you know you're a generous individual, only hand that out to those who will genuinely appreciate it. I love this so much!
You're wise
That's right. I had to learn to stop saving others' ass. In fact, I wasn't doing them a favor. Quite the opposite. I was just encourage that very behavior: the victim mentality (Tech Lead mentioned that in another video). I was doing damage to people who asked for favours, by not letting them to put the effort to learn to help themselves.
Actually the make them earn it theory rocks and works really well with humans nature
Absolutely
Thank you for your male life perspective. I can relate 100%.
Exactly being a 43 year old I totally agree with what you say. Sometimes people mistake your kindness for your weakness, so it's important to draw a line
I agree with you 100%
Absolutely!
Absolutely
For sure 100% with you on that.
I'm glad you've discovered this at 43. I am just now discovering it at 55. Had I discovered it earlier I would've saved myself a ton of headache/heartache.
Selective kindness is 🔑 took me 34 years to really learn this lesson.
I agree
I had to learn it swiftly here NYC.
Took me same amount of time too!
@@xxxasadulxxx it sucks cuz you want to see the good in people but I’ve been burned more times than I care to count.
@@xxxasadulxxx will do sir
I was really surprised to hear you talk about homeless people--- that's not something that i would have expected you to have experienced at your income level--- it's amazing to me you've learned the exact same way that i have the typical consequences of choosing to help homeless people. I especially appreciated your putting the question out "what kind of lifestyle are you basically financing for these people and will it lead to any level of self actualization for anyone involved?" Of course the answer is no, and this is the same loop of bullshit that entitlement programs like welfare create. Put another way, most people just aren't going to take the initiative to do anything for themselves if they don't really have to. That's part of the reason for the persistent homeless population in Oceanside,CA where i live. It's perfectly possible to survive living here all year round. It can be a little unfortunate in deep winter and summer but it's surviveable outside in a tent and once a person ends up there and realizes that living without wifi or cable or electricity or a private restroom/shower all suck to some degree but the huge relieved burden of not having to pay rent or utilities greatly eclipses the inconveniences listed above for many. Then CA makes it even worse by distributing entitlements in cash and food stamps and making laws outlawing stopping or prosecuting shoplifters. The result of the preceding is that homeless people can live in tents, buy food with food stamps and boost expensive items from any store around them which they can then sell and use the cash to buy drugs. Why would anyone bother getting a job or making an effort to find a roof to live under? I don't know where this will lead but it's nothing new. The only new thing is fentanyl being added to the mix which makes everything i just described darker and more dire. It also makes it imperative that people like you and me force ourselves to stop providing services to these people. The hard truth is that if you stop letting people use your washing machine and shower and stop letting people park broken down vehicles in front of your house or letting people sleep in your car or giving them food and whatever else they can carry and letting them add your number to their pets chip info so YOU get the call when their pets inevitably get loose and brought to the humane society you will find that they won't even skip a beat before they move on to the next victim. You mentally prepare yourself for days just to tell someone no and they don't even care they just drop you like a rock in a river and "next!" You are immediately forgotten unless they need something in the future and think it's been long enough for you to have cooled down so they can revictimize you. Anyway clearly this vid struck a chord with me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and validating my own.
Great hint that about the time spent and the commitment that generated.
I saw people manipulate my grandmother’s kindness. Sometimes kindness and being nice gets you zero respect. This is why nice people grow fangs. I’m an empath that has toughened up over the years and I don’t feel bad about it.
Same here. In the past I had shown nothing but love n kindness to the family of a toxic ex bf. Then in 2018 I was shocked to find out that these SOBS whole family were into the occult n had been doing witchcraft to me n my family for many years. Caused horrendous pain n damage to us. Imagine my SHOCK! Smh
Damn I have fangs and I’m an empath lol
True, sometimes people take kindness for weakness and abuse of the kindness they receive.
Teach me your ways
Same ... i feel like i am hardening now over the time...
Being an empath made me miserable and hurt all the time..
I'm a grandma.... it took me a lifetime to learn that being 'nice' and people pleasing is a sign of zero self esteem. Self esteem is often confused with self confidence. You can have huge self confidence related to skills/work but still have zero self esteem due to life training. It's an epidemic. If anyone ever says you are 'too nice' and you find yourself being taken advantage of a lot, have a check of your self esteem. Don't waste your life on others!
You just realized? My grandpa told me this when I was 5.
It's so hard not to though, I've spent my entire 14 years catering to other people's needs and emotions
yeah, sometimes, i think that my kindness is an attempt to prove my value, or to look for a recognition from people , and when i let people exceed my boundary for so long, i feel negative. Maybe I need to love myself first, build up my self esteem, i hope my kindness would be pure, then...
Sometimes helping others fixes your own faults though. If it doesn’t, helping just helped you learn a new skill you had to learn to help the person. Thus, you get a free skill out of it, as well as an increase in patience dealing with others. It’s not all bad
I agree.
People (especially narcissists) don't want advice, they just want to be HEARD and VALIDATED.
Thank you for talking about everything I have been saying for years
I cried a bit when hearing this. am so tired of being fooled for my kindness by ungrateful people that just came by & disappear in thin air after they got what they want. time to get myself back. cleverness is gift, kindness is choice
yes.. kindness is choice, i saw you, you had a beautifull kindness heart👏🙏
I feel you😥
I cried as well . 😓
Im the same way. I need to start being assertive.
@ladawg81 TRUEEEEE 😭 I even make more effort for those who doesn’t care. And ignore those who really matters (cry again)
Nice to your parents, be kind to your siblings, be professional to others. This is how I do.
👍👍👍👍
I treat everybody the same like strangers.
Sometimes parents and siblings are the main ones who will exploit your kindness.
That's actually very solid advice
@@AndyVids2011 so true
Thank you for this. I am always being taking advantage from .I have a big heart so this helps
Bang on stuff !!
Thank you for being brutally honest with all of this. I was a nice guy all of my life. When I married, had two children, and turned 40, I immediately saw the need to assert myself more. Not everyone has to like you.
On a side note, have you noticed that selfish people are in better shape both physically and mentally?
And even live longer.
Facts!!!! 👏👏👏👏
The most selfish people are out of shape pedophiles & fratboogers by the majority. You'll need a better example.
In the movie cloud atlas the often repeated line was 'the weak are meat; the strong do eat'.
So true about selfish people being in good shape cause it’s all about themselves lol
Protecting my time is low key my full time job. Time is the most valuable resource, and as a result I won’t just give it away, especially to the people who can’t respect it.
we're in this unprecedented age of social media where attention is gold. that has to be protected if you know what's good for you.
Good for you.
@@f12736 thank you
Its sucks for me when i try to explain someone something with my whole heart and interest and in between the explanation i realise they don't care ,i feel like a fool that i spend that much time and knowledge I've gained by myself, so they change the topic and i promise myself never to give this person a piece of advice again ,cuz you should not be easily available you should be important and people should realise the value of your effort and time
women's time isnt that productive anyway.
It's such a counterintuitive but important life lesson to stop always being the nice guy.
Thank you very much! I am 28 and I have slowly realized how people take advantage of me because I am always "nice" no matter what. I'm done with it, I'm cutting people off, I'm treating everyone like they treat me and no one is gonna be getting my kindness unless they earn it and deserve it.
Yup, u learning excellent, I'm 51 and way psst all that. Life is super easy now. Little debt, single by choice, never had a problem getting women, but now I realized, a woman is just a bill, zero value in relationships. I got what I wanted out of the ex girlfriends, 2 sons ages 8 and 19. Life is super easy single in los angeles county
Learned it early. Worrying about being nice to others will corrupt your freewill. You can be nice but don't make it your state of mind.
Be yourself, Jenny!
Hell, everybody on the planet needs to hear this. Stop giving away your gift of kindness to any and everyone. Remember, it's a gift.
And a gift is freely given 💀, ur thinking of reward…which is earned.
@@7even235 Yes I am
amen sistah, I had to learn to set boundaries.
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@@7even235 Factssss
I use kindness as a means to discern what type of people I'm dealing with, which is why I'm very kind. I want to see who will push, who will overdo, who will take advantage. I advise always playing sheep when you first meet people, to get a good idea of what kind of person they are, and then you show them the wolf when they try to shear the sheep.
I love this. Thank you for your advice :)
Very intelligent. Thanks for sharing
I love your perspective about this, thank you!
This is exactly what I do too, thank you :)
Even I do the same thing ...I m a kind person by nature but by God's grace I know how to say no when required ..so I play kind when I meet new people and always use my kindness as my first step towards friendship and it actually helps you to figure out others nature ...after filtering badasses , it becomes easy for me to eliminate super clever and manipulate people from my friend list .
Great video! Thank you for the food for thought!
I m a nice guy,empath,im a woman by the way😂,im an empath wanted the best for everybody.after many years i ve realized most family members pretending to love me,they so entitled, if they ask for something at the moment,i dnt have,they get mad,giving me silence treatment. Im like a doormat. Once i started seing their true colors, i started giving selectively.i become so resentful because i realized i was being used,and manipulated
8:35 - "You need to consider, what type of poor behaviour might you enable when you are kind to other people" - THIS IS GOLD. Childish people cannot be trusted with kindness, they see it as weakness and instantly take advantage.
Being overly nice to selfish ppl will leave you hurt, especially at work. I found coworkers testing to see what they can get away with. Theyll ask for something small...next thing you know you're their go to person. Once u start saying no, it's interesting to see how ppl will treat you as if you're the one who's a horrible person.
As a new teacher I feel that with my students. They take my kindness for granted and I find myself putting in more effort than they are (easy way to get burnt out). Students are constantly testing my boundaries and if I change my answer to no, they give me attitude. I am now learning the difference between being kind and having firm boundaries.
@@joyce_lui It's better to be respected than like when dealing with students.
I embrace being that horrible person they will make me out to be after they took advantage of my kindness. It's a great feeling to know I stood up for myself to coward individuals.
@@joyce_lui kids and young teens can be pretty horrible creatures to their teachers, hope the best for you.
@@joyce_lui please don't forget about the students who never test your boundaries, and never give you attitude, and try to be good people. It's really important that you do your best for them, regardless of a couple punk ass students who annoy you. You can change their life. Find the best, most uplifting, most effective teachers you can and learn from them.
Almost every painful memory I have from school was from teachers as a kid. It was over 10 years ago but I still remember the anger, the condescension, their satisfaction in dominating me.
Of course there's no way they remember, because they were already adults. But I was 9 11 14 and 16. I wasn't doing anything to them, or anyone. They could have just spoken to me like a person with a brain, instead of a slave or criminal. They have no right. If anything, weren't they hired to help?
Maybe this time I can let it go for good, just move on. Just like techlead is doing. Well, we're both trying at least
i really enjoy listening to you speak, there was one video you made where i questioned some of your points but overall you are extremely smart. keep sharing your knowledge here on youtube. hitting like buttons and increasing your algo. cheers mate.
People are only considered mean when you don’t do what you want them to do or if they can’t control you.
It is sad but true. Kindness is nowadays abused. Current culture is too self-centred and depressed, they will just take everything to whoever gives them a hand
It has been abused for along time. Its in humans nature.
Lots of people don’t want to receive kindness but I think it’s just being civilized. They think it means more. It makes them feel ‘indebted’. It angers them because they believe it’s some kind of a tactic. In all the wrong ways, sone have turned kindness into it being something wrong. Something disdainful. A weak move. A naive move. This video is about managing your kindness but I have seen people refuse kindness. I suppose they are the ones determined to have all things in their lives operate on their terms. It is a most heartbreaking emotion to be subjected to. Of course in some way, generosity opens the pathway to friendship but with some level of discernment must establish if it is sincere or if may have an agenda. I guess this is how we find out about people. It is similarly you can give everything you have but it might not be good enough for others. Kindness you give isn’t what it says about you, but in measure the lesson to learn is how others receive it and what you can learn about them; what it tells you about them. 😒
@@CatsInHats-S.CrouchingTiger I refuse kindness given to me because I have not only experienced being taken advantage of but have watched others be taken advantage of and the thought that accepting it might make me do the same to others frightens me, Im not lording it over anyone I usually forget a half hour later because I don't want anyone owing me anything.
I don't want to take advantage of others therefore I try to figure it out on my own.
Lately I've begun saying no to others. Co workers have offered to take shifts for me for covering for them but I feel obligated to decline and I don't know why. Maybe I feel guilty for saying no lately.
Be like me don't give a fuck
@@PatrickMenesesYTOfficial4945 that is a hard thing to do speccially for me
If you're too kind, which is a choice, people tend to take advantage of you or what you do, they EXPECT it all the time after that.
They believe in Entitlement for sure.
If they expect it then don't give it. Dont be predicteable
You don't have to go from a nice guy to an A-hole. Simply be more authentic. That's loving towards yourself. If you go towards an A-hole, you will loose.
Appreciation is epic 🎉
Thank you. I have always been a people pleaser... I lost my home due to hurricane ida. All those people I have helped... not one of them asked if we were ok and if we needed anything. Totally changed my perspective on my relationships and to just focus on myself and the friends that are truely there for me.
😢 🤗
Similar situation with my mother. Our neighbors took advantage of her kindness, she gave them gifts, invited them on every events, gave them any yummy food, help them to get pass on this Police / Military exam, to those who get abused, and those who are in need. Not one of them physically and financially helped us when my mother was in the hospital, was attacked by other neighbors and gave her death threats. It made me so angry and dispised them so much. I've always told her to stop being so naive because in the end those people whom you've help will become arrogant and so proud of themselves to the point they'll no longer give AF about you in the end. They can't repay nor remember the good deeds you've done, you're just wasting your time over some bullshit people. (Forgive my curse words, I'm just hella pissed at those Mother F animals)
Isn't that the point of the video? He's saying they aren't obligated to be "kind" and help someone. Also, helping people and then expecting even more help in return is uhh... nvm
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you and your family are in a better place today.
@@DomCoreLeon Exactly, do not help ppl expecting something in return.
I can 100% relate to the narc/empathy dichotomy. I practically wrote two-thirds of my ex's med school essays only for her to abandon ship after 9 years together when she graduated. You're absolutely right, kindness is taken for granted, particularly by those with narcissistic tendencies. It was an expensive lesson for me to learn but we pay for our education in one way or another.
Damn that’s cold and parasitic af
People like that are dangerous! No heart what so ever! She knew she wanted to leave you the whole time! I’m sorry that happened to you! Don’t let her change your trust on all women.
@@poeticprincee9750 Strong prey on the weak
helping her out doesnt mean she will always be with you, you mixed things up
Damn I watched quite a few of his videos and I'm so surprised how we have similar thoughts XD
If there isn’t too much risk or effort for me I’m generally nice to people. Throughout my life I received help and empathy from all sorts of people and it makes me feel good to give back.
Yet if they abuse my kindness and or trust, I have the habit to neither spend any time and effort to help them, nor to hurt them or plot to do so. If they have taken something that I can regain I do so if it’s worth the risk and effort. Dealing with these people I am completely selfish, since the relationship has no present value or possible future value.
When you are poor, being nice is often the best you can do. You cannot show grace with your wealth, but instead your actions. Being wealthy requires cleverness to properly channel energies, hopefully into the right people and the right places. Decisions become harder as you increase in wealth, as you have more options to choose. I don’t believe being nice is essential, but it’s been a lesson for me, my first chapter, has been poor and to learn humility and to relate to the poor. I hope someday I can find the ingredients to rise above my current station in life. And be clever with what I have learned to extend rope down from where I came from. Thanks for another great video TL
Beautifully written
Very true words.
♥️🙏🏽
Many people think kindness is some sort of investment and that the other will repay it some day. It's sneaky in that way, they are not being kind just to be kind, but they expect something back in the future without saying it. This always leads to resentment because the other is not aware and usually doesn't care about that unspoken contract you arranged for them.
True
it's like gift culture. it's a present you didn't ask for.
although, I don't think being kind necessarily is a bad thing always, it's just that choosing to be kind should be voluntary.
like if someone asked to use my toilet because they forgot their key and waiting for the replacement to be brought, it usually isn't too costly or risky to let them in.
if it actually costs high effort to help someone, that's a different story.
I agree on the most part, but the world with super rational people choosing strictly the ones who "deserves" their kindness... Kinda funny
I don't mind being kind to people. For a long while I didn't even mind "gifting" people money or other things they needed. I'd give the shirt off my back. But then, people started expecting it. The same people treated me like I was obligated to do this.
That changed my thinking.
@@ellisz5972 Right. When favor become obligation. Taken for granted and even resentful with you if not received.
I love this guy
My new favorite intellectual on TH-cam
Weakness can never be kindness. We must have a limit, because someone's kindness is someone's bridge to prey on that particular person. We must also be aware that some people are kind at the expense of their own kind.
I’m an empath and it has taken me years to figure this out. People were constantly taking advantage of me because I was so nice and always tried to help, but it got to the point where I finally got tired of it. I started protecting myself by telling people I knew were taking advantage and leeching off me “NO”. Needless to say, I was then told I was being mean, but I didn’t care. I feel so much better since I’ve done that.
Thanks a lot!
This made me reconsider my priorities.
How old are you, if I may ask?
Good for you 👊🏼💚💪🏽 People will forget all the times you said yes, but will never forget the times you say no! Saying no is healthy for our sanity 💙👁
@@jai9952 I just turned 50. Sadly, I've spent my entire life working to make others happy while neglecting myself and my needs. The good thing is I've finally started taking care of myself and I feel so much better.
@@mysticbeauty3634 That is so true! I just had a fairweather friend contact me because she wants something, but when I needed her, she had every excuse in the book not to be there. This time I told her "no, I can't help you". Needless to say, she wasn't happy and will never forget this "no".
One empath to another, I have went through hell with people in my life, taken advantage of me, I’m not as old as you, but I am still learning to leave people alone that don’t want to genuinely bring value into my life. Love ❤️ and light 💡
I don't even see this as being nice. I think this is just setting healthy boundaries and protecting your time and peace of mind. Thank you for sharing your persepctive.
That's what the title says "Stop being so nice" 🤦♂️
kindness has its own reward.
Thank you!
Trying to be nice expecting people to be nice back. So true. If you are going to do something nice do it without expecting anything in return. Hard lesson I have learned.
I feel like people learn to become assertive as thy grow. I'm 21 now and I can relate to everything he said. I try to be assertive and aggressive but it's hard with my nature. I'll keep trying though because I don't want people to continue walking over me.
On another note, just by looking at this guy, I can tell he's been hurt a lot. I pray he's okay.
I am walking the same path as you. Same age and everything. We got this
Wow - what a sweet, and sincerely kind hearted thing to say, Sashell... Man, this world could certainly use more people like you.
Me too. Turning 22 next month. You live and you learn. We view the world as we are. If we are good and kind people, we think everyone will also be the same but as you grow up, you realise how rare true empathy and kindness is. It truly is a gift.
@@elijah__ education and savings can make your future possibilities grow exponentially. Respect those things but never at the cost of family. You'll need some people you can trust as well at some point
@@questjon. thank you this is relevant to my life and idk how you knew to tell me that from what I said
I have a black Asian flat mate and always he had used my food groceries he even burgled into my room like thieves speaking about my paintings or my things! After I put my groceries into my room and change the lock of room he became as ‘m just flat mate not friend”!!! It’s true niceness becomes normal for narcs . They had kind mothe who hav them anything they wanted and they mistake you as new mother who has to give it all!
I really feel sad for ex google employee😁 he’s really hurt I felt that with my own mom, after getting millionaire I became dear son :((
Took me 36 years to fully realize this lesson, and I'm starting from scratch. It took a cataclysmic event to kill/evaporate the former nice guy within.
It feels so good to start from scratch. Sometimes, fall back and test reciprocity. But don't get in the way of other peoples karma by enabling other peoples bs.
Jem Veda has a great channel to help us to understand "social games." It'll save years of headaches.
Be nice to yourself first and always. That's not mutually exclusive to being nice to others.
Ayn Rand's, "never sacrifice self or another"
A great book on the topic of “no” - “The Power of No” - James & Claudia Altucher.
I wanted to read this book but picked up the wrong title at the store. The title I got was the 'The Power of Hoes' by Chad and Jessica
YOU ROCK! TH-cam recommended you to me and I watched 2 of your episodes bout "stop being so nice" WOW! THIS IS ALL SO TRUE AND SOMETHING I NEEDED REINFORCED! I KNOW people are trying to get some feed. I call them "vampires' they suck the lifeblood from me and my business and the people WHO REALLY ARE DOING THE WORK! God bless you! ANd congrats on not letting your parents, ex wife, friends and customers walk all over you! I HAVE FINALLY DONE THE SAME! (the hardest was with my young "fans/customers" and my family. I AM WORTH IT! TYSM brother!
In terms of girls, 1 thing I learned a while back (I'm not 28 now) is nvr ever be nice to a girl. Treat her like u treat another man. Dont go the extra mile and be super nice to her regardless of what ur intentions are and regardless of how pretty she is. It will nvr work out well for u. That's why I'm straight up cocky with girls. I nvr put effort into any relationship/friendship with a girl. If u want to get to know me, u make the initiative and put the effort to talk me. I let the girl step into my world as opposed to me stepping into hers. I do this bcz I prioritize other important shet in my life over her. Do this my young men, and just watch how much social power ull get with girls. I am not saying this to try to get girls. I am simply saying this for men to be genuinely strong around girls... and be careless in a gd way. Hope it made sense.
You have to be careful of blindly giving everyone you meet, power status and consideration over yourself. Doing things that imply that they are more important than you, when it’s likely the opposite is true.
This is why I don’t watch tv or movies 99% of the time. Because I don’t want to keep telling my subconscious that there’s this class of people, far more important than I am, and it’s my job to just sit there, watching them, supporting them financial and admiring how superior they are to me.
Teach me your ways
Wtf… It’s not that deep…..
No one sits and watches TV or movies with this overbearing mindset of "Oh, I love Matthew Mcconaughey, I'll never be as rich and famous as he is, he can do anything way better than I can!" They watch those movies for entertainment, to be engrossed in a story, to have fun. They even sometimes watch those specific famous people in those said mediums because they can play their characters WELL, not because they're just "important".
No one's forcing you to put how much value they have over you, to support them, to make it your JOB to watch them. With that mindset, you're MAKING them seem like they're more superior over your life. They live in your head rent free needing to convince yourself of something thats not even true. The most rational approach to this is just to separate the art from the artist, the act from the actors. Don't give a fuck about the actual people, but the characters they play. Needing to not watch movies because of this is not healthy outlook.
I don’t have much but what I do have I like to share. My whole life has been about me being kind to the people around me and especially my mother in law. We are in the process of bringing her here to the us and she doesn’t ever talk to me or message me and we have no communication but I still feel obligated to help her because of the life I have and my wife. Watching your video just makes me think twice about actually bringing my mother in law here in the United States because she doesn’t seem like she appreciates the things I do for her.
Good thinking. ...just curious did you eventually bring her to live with you?
Nice usually means you are a doormat, don't do it. Be respectful and polite, but have firm boundaries and do not accept disrespect. I demand respect and have zero tolerance for disrespect.
This video is specifically for me😭😭😭😭 I've got such a toxic trait of being extremely agreeable and people see that and take advantage of it A LOT! I end up putting myself under pressure and in compromised positions (putting my own interests in the back burner) all in an effort "not to disappoint anyone". But thank God for self awareness because I realized it had become a serious problem and started to make deliberate effort to fix it. I still can't say straight up "NO!" and have to lie my way out of things sometimes BUT I'm trying to learn how to kindly reject people's offers/requests etc. I'm learning that I don't owe anyone anything; not my time, not my money, not my sympathy or my affection. Nothing. I'm learning to use discernment into helping only those who truly need it (because the intention isn't to become cold-hearted) and literally cutting off people from my life I realize are manipulative towards my kindness. Powerful message! Thank you so much for this video❤️
It's been 4 months since your comments. I hope you are doing well at not having to lie your way out, but instead you say No boldly 🙂
Your not alone 😭😭😭
NO is a superpower. The power of no. Now you have it. And like any skill, it just needs training to reach mastery.
Tech Lead has also talked in another video about having no friends. I think true friends are rare. I also prefer to be alone than around a bunch of people who steal your time and drain your energy.
Learning to say no more often. There's no need to be disrespectful, just confident. People will actually respect you more. They'll learn your time for them is scarce, and people value scarce resources more.
Tracy, I congratulate you for being true to yourself. I'm on the same path and took me years to unlearn inherited behaviour. I know it hurts and the path isn't smooth. I stand with you.
It's disgusting how much I will agree and give to others. Hope that you also are able to surround yourself with people that you dont have to say no to. We were blessed with a beautiful nature and it's best to be able to fully devote ourselves to people that deserve our care and attention.
It's like once people think they're entitled to your kindness, it really isn't kindness anymore. It's more like tribute. I'll admit that I've been way too "nice" at times in life.
For sure! Then get disappointed when you find out people are just envious of you but still take from you.
Same
“It costs thousands of dollars just to make sure I can even BE with my ex wife.”
There’s a lot of men who truly FELT that one my goodness.
@Average Consumer she can make a video if she wants
@@FatherPhi Hahaha!
the counter strategy is simple:
BECOME an ex-wife
become trans
@Average Consumer outch, I low-key agree. I find annoying to see the tech lead coming here saying things about his ex wife when she can't even reply
@Average Consumer She didn't leave the material comforts, she went for the material comforts she could enjoy without him. You fool
People take my kindness for granted. Than I leave them.
There's a difference between helping and being used
I have always been the empath in every relationship dynamic and you are right that being kind is a choice. Boundaries are also important
Being married and bending too the narcissist all that time has taught me that I should of had stronger boundaries earlier in the marriage. I wouldn't feel like I have waited so much time. Set boundaries and stay strong because if they don't respect your boundaries they don't respect you. Less time waisted.
I'm living this problem every day.
Thanks for the advice :)
I was a nice guy until I read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. My life changed over night. Nice is a four letter word and I feel stupid for having believed in it. Nice has nothing to do with being kind, compassionate or trustworthy.
Fascinating! I was an engineer for many years before a studied psychology in night college because I wanted to eventually studie neural science. And I realized that I was too kind and easily manipulated into helping others. But when I looked objectively what others reciprocated it were only a handful of colleagues/friends. They are still my friends! And we do everything within our means to help each other. The rest has to prove to me whether me spending my time or resources is worth it. I used to donate 100 bucks a month (and I’m not a millionaire, but a good average earned). And I realized that my 100 dollars to fighting cancer and helping disadvantaged kids in their world, ended up at organizations throwing massive champagne parties and their elite driving big cars to and from these parties. And I figured screw this! I pay taxes (more than average) our country subsidized universities and aids foreign countries, I’ve done enough. If I see developments or projects that I’m behind I’d invest or donate but otherwise, nope.
I’m naturally assertive and have always set clear boundaries in all relationships. I’m also a very kind person. I find that confronting people who offend you or cross boundaries is key to teaching people how to treat you. It’s also important to understand that assertive does not mean aggressive. I also guard my time like a hawk, it’s the only thing once gone I can never buy more of. I do not invest time into people I do not like or doing things that do not add value.
Youve nailed bro..very well said.
Very beautifully stated thanks for your thoughts on this matter.
I moved (back) to the US after living abroad for my whole life. I used to have friends in every corner of every street I go and anybody would help me achieve whatever and vice versa; now here in the US I'm slowly starting over with meeting people.
I noticed I've been turned into a bit of a pushover who is too nice every now and then because I lost all the power I had and feel like everything I do will have people judge me.
Thank you for the video, it is a reminder of what we all already know, and a reminder to take steps towards change.
I learned this at 18. I had a best friend who I helped with academics and almost everything bcz I genuinely cared for them. Unfortunately, they broke my trust and I decided to find better friends. Now when they invite me places, I always think about whether my time w them will actually be worth it and say no if I have to.
Happy for u bro
I helped someone at work constantly and one day, she stopped talking to me...say I try to own her. I was totally shocked.
@@reptilexcq2 Don't help if she didn't ask. I can see why she acted that way.
@@ObsoleteTutorials Nah, I actually don't help unless they ask.
Better to wrong the world than have it wrong me!
true true, I always say to people here in Brasil, "don't feed the bird's they will poop in your head when they fly away..."
Thx for being nice by uploading this vid
Thx for being nice by creating this comment
As an ex-nice guy.
Lmao
@@frankyu6984 why you are an ex-nice guy as an ex-nice guy
This is techlead experience ,I toh felt that kindness is appreciated but in long run and also it's not good being rude ,but yes being fair and assertive is too a way but yes kindness should be too involved with experience of people and whom to have it for.
Theres nothing wrong with being kind to people, but don't forget that you are also a person. Be nice to others, be nice to yourself too. Easier said than done.
Perfect. The best video I have seen and you are spot on!
Agree with this so much. Thanks for the video!
It's like dynamic equilibrium
When it's all over the place , the value drop , everyone takes it as granted
When it's short , the value rise , everyone starts to be appreciated.
Well said Leverage.
Plot twist: this guy doesn't give a shit about you or if you are kind or not, just giving advise so he could get his promo code out
One trick I use is to never give any one plain money, I ask them first what they need, and if it's reasonable like food, water, medicine, cloth, and shelter, I'll buy for them. Most people just give out money without second thought, maybe because they're lazy and just want a quick fix to feel good about themselves.
It good to be nice and respectful in general, just don't be gullible.People will size you up and gather information from you. Friendships and relationships are earned, but procede with caution.
One thing to realize is that life isn't fair and it's not necessarily your job to make it fair
I appreciate your message. Thank you.
There is a difference between codependent people-pleasing behaviour (which is ultimately just as manipulative as narcissistic behaviour, being the flip side of that codependent-narcissistic scale) and consciously choosing kindness from an empowered internal space - and having the discernment to know when our kindness is truly valued by others. 🌟
Exactly. Right on. Thank you for these reminders and examples. I appreciate you.
"Nice guys are creepy." L O L 🤣
Reminds me of dating and toxic girlfriends. Codependent guys will get sucked into toxic relationships. And for a while it'll work really well until the GF asks for too much from the guy... And she'll break up after getting what she wanted from him.
I'm sure it happens to women too, but I can only speak for men.
Thats why jordan peterson loves google engineers so much, blunt and direct hahahah
Right !!! Thank you so much for this video I needed to hear this .....👍
All excellent points. Your reasoning explained simply. Thumbs up 👍
I don't need to be nice cause I have no friends and I like it that way...
Recently my mum told me i was being too nice and doing too much and I should look at her as an example of that. She spent everything trying to raise and provide to people and now at old age she is almost non existent. I see it first hand and well i am glad to have her particular guide me
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO. Needed this. I'm moving different from now on.
He Correct about being Nice to ppl. Im a nice guy always helping ppl out but they ended up taking advantage of me. They only seek me for help, if they dont need me they just disappeared. So now im a saying NO guy now to protect my time n resources. Now i understand why there are so many selfish ppl out there, they just protecting themselves.
People in my life call me a selfish arsehole because I put myself first and believe in self preservation and value my mental health and emotional well-being and refusing to give my time to others. Learn to say no and watch your stress levels drop through the floor
People always resent you when you can’t make them happy all the time. They have to actually learn how to give you space eventually but it’s always a fight at first
I've been called a sociopath for trying to explain this to people
@@Meilk27 they are not on the same level of personal development as you are and they are incapable of understanding.
Be careful with being an selfish asshole, because you get back from people what you give out. When you expect someone to be there for you, they won't. You have to treat people how you want to be treated, or you will also be mistreated and disrespected in return.
@@ericajones3668 that is if you assume that people would treat you nicely in return for your kindness but in truth most of them just think of you as easy target.
I see why you're blessed. Your direct, straight forward and kind. That kinda behavior always has a return, whether it comes from the individual you have to or from someone else entirely not related to the act. While I absolutely get your point, no one should be ignorant to malipulation and just being used. However you still benefit the return. Thank you for sharing this.
I have the impression that clever people tend to be also kind and fair.