Thank you so much for this video. My daughter's best friend who's 11 is a Foster Care Child. She's been in three homes in 3 months and her last home is over 2 hours away from me. Her social worker called me two days ago and asked me if we would be willing to take her on because she keeps yelling at everybody that she wants us to adopt her. She says it's because we love her for who she is and accept all her craziness. We're in the process
Just be sure your prospective adoptee wasn’t “legally kidnapped” by US courts. I myself was stolen from my birth family by corrupt CPS/ US courts, only to be locked away and tortured for 4.5 yrs of my childhood from toddler on. Was pulled out of that family by a concerned teacher and adopted later, for the second time. My second adoptive parents had NO IDEA what I was as the state watered down the records. Please.. please.. do everyone a favor.. do your homework first....
I have just started the process of adopting from foster care (without fostering first) and this is hands down the best video I’ve watched. I’ll be favoriting, saving, and sharing this with my partner. Thanks you so very much! I have a feeling I’ll be referencing this again and again.
We have over a week with a 14 year old girl in foster care. We are thinking about adopting her. This information is pretty good, thank you for sharing your experiences!
The car talks are important because, even as a kid not adopted, I knew the adults I'm talking with can't escape the discussion if they didn't like it or felt uncomfortable and usually told me the truth since they too distracted driving to lie. I didn't think like that at the time, but reflecting on the roadtrips with my dad, those were something I looked forward to since I could speak freely one-on-one. (First children know the struggle.) Also, if you are driving, you are too busy to lash out physcially if something you say angers them, which they can be nervous about depending on their background.
Thank you so much for this video! My wife and I have decided to go through the adoption process for an older child. Most are between ten and fifteen and I'm trying to soak up as much as I can to have a solid foundation for this journey. We already have three kids and I know the parenting aspect is going to be different in this situation. It broke my heart to hear about these older children being sometimes labeled as undesirable due to their age and further drove me to focus on that age group. We are very excited to be going through with this and hope to be blessed with the opportunity to give a child a chance at a good future and loving home.
I am looking into a teenage boy. I had an incredibly blessed life growing up and want to share it by changing someone else's life❤❤ Paying it forward is why we are all here watching this video❤🌷
Yeah I am getting adopted and I am a older child so this helped me a lot so I'm happy that I found this so this is very great and it helps since I am 11 and I am needing help learn about this situation I am in since I am in foster care and I have been in here for 1 year and I miss my mom and bother but my foster mom says that this is good for me and I will be a knew person and I am sad and glad that I will not have to let my memories of my dad take hold of me forever so this is a helping process so it is fine for a child to say no because I did not know I had a choice for 2 years and know I am learning so I hope I can get the help from my adopted parents and I am here to help other kids like me
You’re so sweet, I hope you doing good I’m glad that you got a adopted family to support you, bio family always will be always in your heart . Hopefully you got and open adoption so you can keep in touch with them
Spot on...especially love the marriage analogy & "shoulder to shoulder" vs "face to face" conversations...often doing something togethers, be it a car ride, shooting hoops, maybe a home repair, or showing how to change a tire on a bike. Years of experiences like these as an adolescent and family therapist. The face to face "couch session" never moved things forward nearly as well as being allowed into their safe/familiar zones (basketball court, for example) and allowing time to develop a relationship and the trust that you truly are a safe person.
I really want to foster these 2 twin brothers 12 yrs old from my daughters school after hearing their story this was so beneficial to what life might look like thank you
Thank you so much for sharing this! We have been an independent living home for refugee foster care and are currently pursuing adopting a teen from foster care. I needed to hear all of this. With our now 21 year old (from IL) the "making space to share in the car or whenever they are ready to talk" was SO TRUE. For us, it was usually that she would come out to have a cup of tea at 11:30 at night, just as my husband had gone to bed and I was about to go too. Whenever she would come out then, I learned to put whatever I was doing aside and LISTEN!!
I'm currently in the process of getting licensed and hearing the part about keeping your word over being late to an appointment was something I really needed to hear and really helps put into perspective how your kids absolutely become your priority and actions speak louder than words so keeping your word really truly matter. What a great lesson in trust! I did have a question which is how did your extended family react when you told them and how might you handle people who aren't excited for you? This hasn't happened to us because we are in the super early stages but I have heard of it happening. Thank you so much! Ps we are also looking for older kids/teen sibling groups so I found this super helpful!
Lisa Tosti-Sauro thanks for watching and letting me know what you found helpful! Fortunately, we have only received encouragement from our extended families. Foster care and adoption are part of both my husband and my extended families’ narratives, so we have had abundant support from everyone since day one. If things aren’t that way, I think studying up on having healthy boundaries would be very helpful. Also focusing on relationships with people who will be supportive is really vital, whether with family or friends who become like family. You might have to let certain relationships take a back seat if they are unsupportive or negative. You won’t have time or bandwidth to deal with that once your kids come!
0:00-7:05, (1) Expect the biological parents of your children to be present in your household in spirit, conversation, dialogue etc. As, just because you're stable and loving and forever for the child those qualities don't erase their first family. So be open and free, and always willing to talk about those things. 7:05-8:35, (2) KEEP YOUR WORD! Your kids need constant reminders that you will be their forever like their biological parents could not. 8:35-9:41, (3) Do not talk badly about their birth parents. It is not helpful to their emotional state regardless of what happened. The dichotomy of love/hate for their birth parents may be a very real thing and you should not attempt to make it neat and tidy by bad mouthing the parents. 9:41-12:50 , (4) The child SHOULD BE apart of the adoption conversation if you plan to adopt them as early as possible. Even if the child does not want to be adopted, despite everyone knowing this is the best thing for them, respect their wishes and do not push them. Allow them to be apart of the dialogue. Sometimes foster parents stay foster parents, and do not adopt the children that stay with them until adulthood. However, most likely the child will accept you especially if they are fully aware that going back to where they were is NOT an option. 12:50-18:08, (5) Know where your child is developmentally, and know where things need to be for you all to bond as a family. Really listen, meeting them where they're at, and holding back on trying to conform them into your family. Respect them, and set ground rules that are reasonable (don't curse around children, watch what you want but refrain from showing the young ones, etc.). Enable them to have the things they love in life. 18:08-23:01, (6) Allow them to get to know the important people to you (friends, family, co-workers, etc.) and allow yourself to get to know anyone important to them. 23:01-25:12, (7) Spend time alone with them in the car. An ACTUAL PHENOMENON: People tend to open up when they're not sitting face to face (in the car). Deep conversations, and important questions come up in the car. Take the long way home, be ready to turn the radio down, don't use that time to be on the phone, and be available to your kid in the car. 25:12-27:40, (8) Be as REAL, UPFRONT, & TRANSPARENT as possible with your children. Do not let them find things out from someone else, or let the case manager do the heavy lifting of a tough conversation. Do not BS your older child, because it breaks the trust they have very little of coming from the system (Even if it's hard). Don't hide things from them.
Thank you! I hope it works out for you to do that. The need is so great, and the kids deserve a fighting chance. Having a safe and stable home is a huge part of that!
All my children are adopted. The first time I thought about adopting them was because they asked me to, not even knowing what my face looked like. They didn't even know I was having a serious relationship with the mother of two of them and the aunt of the third. The biological father was never spoken to me. I once told a friend of one of them that I was a adoptive parent and he didn't believe it. If there is one thing that would make any of my children angry, it would be to say that I am not their father. When the first's biological father died, he asked me if he had to be sad. I told him that I would be upset if he didn't be sad when I died, but that it wasn't natural to feel sad for someone he didn't even remember who he was.
You are a very special human being - seriously! God has really given you a heart of gold . As I contemplated fostering (and my husband was agreeable), I realized I don’t think I can do this. Your video is very thorough and I appreciate you !!
Very informative. I've been watching videos by former foster kids and current parents, but yours blows theirs away as far as professionally done informing.
Videos by former foster kids are still very informative about confirming what it is like to be one, but they are not as concise or organised or explicit with the patterns.
We’ve just completed paperwork to adopt a child out of foster care. Now we have required training and our home-study. So I’m really trying to get any advise I can, so thank you.
Cool! My husband and I are in the process of adopting older children through the foster care system in our state. We're documenting what we can here on TH-cam. It looks like your comment is a few months old. How's your process going?! 💜
This was so helpful, my FK case is going to adoption and we decided we would become their adoptive parents if it gets approved at court. My kids are 8 7 and 6 and of course love their mom
A couple took my mother in when she was a teenager. This couple was friends of my mom's aunt. Totally private arrangement. My mom always called the couple her foster parents. They were in my mom's life tell they passed away. Right before I started 7th grade we flew out to visit them. My mom passed away in 2008.
I love that they stayed in her life til the end. It really is about love and commitment, regardless of what the relationship is (foster, adoption, etc.)
I am very early in the process of adopting a 16 yo boy out of a therapeutic home. He was not in the state heart gallery, rather I chanced upon a year old grant me hope video that few had seen and no one commented upon. I thought he was an interesting kid whose quirks and way of thinking reminded me of myself many years ago. I was surprised that in a year no one had expressed interest. I liked him enough that I thought I could be a mentor for him. I knew some states had mentor programs. Mine did not, but my life experience info seemed to strike a chord consistent with his own interests, and I was being considered to be put on his call list. While talking with cps staff I learned he was desperate to get out of foster care and really wanted a family and had almost given up hope…what he preferred though was a single dad if possible. I took another look at his video and prayed God find him a good home and parents, he seemed such a great kid. The next second something like a voice inside asked the question, why must someone else want him? Why can’t you want him? By the end of his video my eyes were full of tears and the voice in my heart just kept saying my son my son my son. So either delusion or grace. The next day I called and said I didn’t just want to mentor, I wanted to adopt. Since then we have only talked by phone or zoom calls…he lives several hours from me. He already tells me that he loves me and thinks of me as his dad and family and he is bugging the dickens out of his case worker to arrange a face to face meeting. My worry is that I won’t pass the home study because I’m on a fixed income. They told me they were more concerned about finding him a home than riches…but still so many things could go wrong. I have told him and his case workers I really love him in ways I cannot explain…just my heart sees him as my son. And if by chance I can’t pass some of those hurdles…if is willing to wait when he ages out…he still has a home and if he wants, a dad. I think perhaps I worry too much…I tend to catastrophize at the drop of a hat. It turns your heart upside down. After a very difficult fostering situation with a near RAD teen 22 years ago I never wanted any kids biological or adopted…and now that I am more grandpa than dad all I can think now his how navigate the system and become this boy’s dad. This boy who is already calling me dad and telling me he loves me. I can’t fail him. I don’t know if my heart could stand it.
Thank you for sharing your heart and situation. It is people like you who offer hope to kids long forgotten by most. I pray all goes well and you are able to provide this boy the stability and security we all need to flourish. In terms of him saying "I love you" and calling you, "Dad," it is not uncommon for young people in his situation to project this level of connection and intimacy onto potential caregivers. It is important to remember that, as quickly as he began expressing this, he can/might just as quickly change his affections. Right now, you represent the possibility of having his dream of getting out of foster care. But we all know that reality is very different from the dream, and relationships and trust take a long time. Take his "I love you" with a grain of salt, but also follow your heart. Do not be surprised if things go south once he's with you. That is very common, but it's also important to be in it, as I say often, "for the long haul." Sticking with him through thick and thin. This is how he will, eventually, know you are the real deal. He has been let down so much, it has changed the fabric of his being. Undoing that and healing his heart will take time -- I'm talking *years.* This type of healing does not happen quickly, and it will get very messy before all is said and done. Hang in there. In terms of practical things, make sure you have a good support system in place if you move forward. Friends who will be with you during the hard times (and who won't suggest you throw in the towel when things get tough), professionals who know about RAD and trauma. Read about trauma-informed approaches, watch online videos on TBRI and connected parenting. In terms of your income, it should not be a problem. If you are in the US, you will receive financial support to help you care for this boy. I'm not sure how it works elsewhere. I pray all goes well for you and for him. I love hearing about people caring for teens in foster care. At the same time, I know how hard it will be, and it's important to go into it with realistic expectations. Beauty from these ashes is possible, I know this for a fact, but it takes time and consistency and showing up over and over, and doing the hard work of loving someone who, at times, might be hard to love. All my best!
@@afosteredlife Thank you. I appreciate your concerns and share them. The I love yous are sincere but seeds that need time and nurture to spout and root. I don't know all about his past trauma, but I know some of the issues he has had therapy for point to something really bad as the grounds for separation from his mother, whom he told me he was very close to, and he did confirm without details the reasons were indeed very bad...and I suspect just about as bad as it gets. But I don't know that for a fact...only what his struggles suggest. The thing is our basic psychology and attachment patterns...and our life wounds are very similar though they came about in different ways. So while I have not been everywhere he has been emotionally, I have been most of the same places. So there is a vast reservoir of empathy on my part. Our discussions confirm that more and more. As for attachments, he began hopeful but cautious and stayed that way for several of our conversations. He is not RAD. He absolutely has the capacity to attach, in the opposite direction. He emotionally self protects because of the various disappointments you mention. He has had two failed placements because of his issues. He is honest about that. But once he begins to trust...that initial bond forms very quickly, maybe too quickly. But I am the same way...from sympathetic interest one moment to full commitment the next. So I am trying to use our mutual initial quick bond to nurture into something stronger and deeper before we even get to the trial placement phase. That way when he does get here we will already have a basic foundation upon which to build. We have broached the subject of our common humanity and proneness to mistakes and failure. We will have times where we get short tempered no doubt but we have agreed that whatever happens we will never end the day without forgiving each other. We will always strive to be honest and open with each other. No lies no hiding no having to be ashamed. And we want to build our home on respect for God, our home and ourselves. Every rule we make will be anchored in those three things; Honesty and acceptance, respect, and forgiveness. That at least is the utopian dream. The reality may need some road testing. He does have issues. Some of the more serious ones I already know, but his caseworkers tell me that he is orders of magnitude better than he used to be and his natural sweet nature outside of those instances make him a staff favorite at the group home...so I have been informed by his favorite staff member. As for education I have been watching lots of videos on foster life, aging out, and dealing with trauma. I have already started a network with traumatically trained foster parents who have adopted out of therapeutic group homes before. The road ahead, if successful, will have its bumps no doubt, maybe big ones. But I am completely committed to this boy. Like the man throwing starfish back into the sea after a storm. There is no way I can save them all...but for this one I can make a difference. That's my mindset going in.
@@afosteredlife Addendum. Where I do have concerns is him returning as an emotionally delayed teen to public high school. I am a retired educator and I ran a local ISS for five years. I know how bad some kids can be, and how bad some otherwise good kids can sometimes be. He came into foster care at eleven but because of Covid and the group home placement he has not been in a public school setting since he was still in elementary. For the last three years his education has been virtual. He hates it but I don't think he is yet mentally prepare for what he is likely to face socially in public school....and those possibilities are among the big emotional potentialities I am anticipating could be a problem to address and help him find a path through.
This just came up on my feed. We are starting the process of adoption through foster care. Thank you so much for your videos. I will be checking out more of them for tips!
The car thing is super interesting to me since my husband does that too. He actually proposed to me in the car. So it is interesting to know that it is a common thing to have those deeper thoughts/conversations in the car.
This is so useful! My partner and I are looking at adopting older siblings and I've been wracking my brain trying to find information about adopting older kids. It seems that so many people seek younger kiddos.
I just put my info in to get contacted about going through the process to become a foster parent. I really hope to foster/adopt teenagers especially. I feel like it's such a crucial time in their lives when they really need support and I know a lot of those kids age out of the system and if I can help even one kid to not feel alone and to feel like they have support that would just mean the world to me.
Although it won't be for another few years, I want to become a foster to adopt parent and I feel like 'older' kids will be my forte. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. I am in New Mexico - so not too far from you and AZ. Do you know of anyone who does this as a single parent or even in an "intentional living" type situation (where there are a few non-related adults living in the same household and are all committed to fostering)?
My daughter (soon to be adopted) asked something about meeting one of my friend's, I paused for a second before responding and then suddenly apologized and said she shouldn't expect to meet all my friends. I explained to her why I paused, that it wasn't that I didn't want her to meet that friend, that it was that that friend had recently lost their significant other and wasn't in a great place right now so now might not be the best time. I told her that I want her to meet all our friends, that covid has delayed some of that just because we haven't seen many of them since the start of Covid, but that she is a part of our family, she is our daughter and we want her to be involved in all parts of our life and that includes meeting our friends. It hadn't even been something I had considered, we had introduced her to family at this point, but not really friends yet just because we've been around so few people due to covid. But you could see relief in her face that she would really be included in our lives
Thank you for this video. My husband and I are looking into adoption from foster care and we are considering at least adopting 1 older child. We already have a 14 and 15 year old and we are in a place where we really want to grow our family. This was very helpful. 😊
We have been thinking for years in adopting and we have not changed our minds about it. We do have 1 biological daughter. So I'm not sure if it will be an issue. There are just much older kids that get overlooked because they are not babies anymore. I'm excited and nervous. Currently going to start looking more into it.
Our county will not leave a child in care if they can find someone to adopt. I have a friend with a child in her care that they offered to keep until he ages out and they told them no they have to find adoption
It's really interesting how differently things are handled from county to county. I hope your friend's foster son landed in a good spot and was able to maintain a relationship with his longtime foster parents.
If a child is not open to adoption for a long period and you don’t have room to keep the child and foster to adopt another you can give notice on the first child who doesn’t want to adopt. They may need another home and give the space to a child who wants to be adopted.
This has been very helpful! My husband and I are taking the training courses to adopt thru foster care and we want a teenager. We are both in our sixties, he still works and i am retired, home all day. Do you think this would matter to a teen to have older parents more like grand parents?
Rosemary, how wonderful to hear this. I am always so encouraged to hear from foster parents who are particularly interested in teens. To answer your question: NO. I do not think your age will be a big deal in most cases (there are always exceptions, as each teen is different!) I recently met a couple who are fostering and are in their 70s. Their youngest is in elementary school and they have a 16-year-old. It was very clear that he adored them! At the end of the day, a teen needs a caring adult who will be there for them through think and thin, get them the outside help they need (i.e. therapy, tutoring, job training, financial skills, etc.) and remain in their life as long as possible. I wrote a blog post you might find helpful recently: afosteredlife.com/2021/10/13/belonging-identity-purpose-and-teens-in-foster-care/ At the end of the day, teens need adults who will walk beside them as they wrestle with the three questions that are at the core of every teen’s heart (see the book 3 Big Questions That Change Every Teenager by Kara Powell and Brad Griffin). If you are prepared to be that person for a teen in foster care, you are exactly what they need-no matter your age. Blessings on you and your foster parenting journey!
Fabulous video, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to create this for us. I’m just beginning this journey, but I am very encouraged.
I have a nephew who turns 10 this year so next year I want to adopt an 11/12 year old, someone he can hang with when he comes to visit me. First step, getting a two bedroom apartment.
Hi Au. I think it's awesome that you're looking to adopt an older kid. My son is now 35. I'm getting licensed for foster/adopt again. One thought: It's possible they won't want to hang out with each other. Please be sure you're okay with him being whoever he is, that you'll not unintentionally reject him for rejecting your nephew.
Hi Kris. Most(?) states provide monthly "reimbursement" for kids adopted out of foster care, plus free medical, dental, therapy, etc. Sometimes it's not much, but can help where adopting would be financially challenging.
This is so beautifully articulate. Thank you so much for sharing your insights. My partner and I are interested in adopting from foster care and the more research I do, the more interested I have become in adopting older. Definitely saving this to come back to!
There is such a need, and there are many wonderful young people who will thrive with stability and support you can provide. So glad you’re considering!
PS I can teach this and I believe it with all my heart and I blow it regularly. You are not alone. You are human too, with triggers and baggage and weaknesses. Hang in there. Keep going. Do the work of repairing what is broken when it’s within your power to do so. Model taking ownership for your mistakes and seeking to make it right. More is caught than taught. They will learn how to handle their own mistakes from watching how you handle yours!!
Well... if you adopt an older teen and the kid's really good with school, and you're a younger couple, you could say you're the parents of a College Grad in your mid 30's, you'll have more energy, and they'll be out of the house earlier than you think. You'll be grandparents by 30-40s, and still have some energy, you'll generally be able to enjoy life as an empty nester. Without having to child proof your entire house, be able to get on a plane without having people glaring daggers and daring you to sit next to them, travel is a little eaiser without a toddler or baby. You may have come into their lives later than expected but you could still have a good bond.
Hello!! My family and I are waiting for the 1st placement in foster care. At first I was thinking about foster toddlers but nowadays I am thinking that is good to be open yo all ages. I'm pretty anxious about that because I was wondering if the kids would be happy with me and my family
the car thing is soo true, we have had so many conversations in the car. we are preadoptive placements for 2 kids 9 and 13 who are part of a sibling group of 6. when we were interviewed we were asked if we would keep in touch and support the siblings relationship and we of course want to do so. we are no running into the issues of the team not supporting that relationship. we have not been giving any contact information or ways to let the siblings be involved. any advise to advocate for this?
Oh wow, I have experienced this as well. My best advice would be to approach the case worker you have the best rapport with, make a case for helping the kids stay in touch, and see what they can help you with. Good luck! I hope it works out!
I'm just starting the first steps of being ready for home visit from the county. I picked a child out, a teen so I have high hopes of getting through this to have a son of my own. Not sure what to expect or how fast or slow it will be but I'm starting.
@@afosteredlife when your searching and then find a older/teen child you want to adopt through foster care, how is it finalized? Does the child have the final say or is it essentially up to the adoptive parents? I have wondered how it usually works if the children have no other options.
You’re in Az!!!!! Of course you are....I recently viewed the 5 vids......I’m in video overload today. Lol I haven’t even picked an Agency and I’m carrying on as though the child is on his/her way!!! I am super nervous excited. I used to be saddened by being almost 40 and not being a mother.....now, I understand why it never happened. 😇
@@lawill3559 I actually don't live in AZ, but I was contracted by them to record their orientation videos! I'm in the Pacific Northwest! Welcome to the world of foster parenting and bless you on your journey!
Hi La Will. I pray you're staying encouraged. 40's not old. :) I had foster sons when I was 38+, too. My adopted son is now 35. I'm still connected with 5 of 7 former foster sons.
Do you have any advice for parents who want to adopt a waiting child from foster care with no prior experience fostering or with their own children? My husband and I would like to adopt a waiting child, he’s a boy, age 12 and has been in foster care for over five years. We have started the classes but each person we talk to has told us our chances of adopting are slim to none because we haven’t previously had our own children or fostered previously. We’ve been told our best bet would be to foster and if the child’s parents rights are terminated to adopted but that isn’t exactly how we want to go about it.
I have been interested in foster care and adoption for years but I just feel so nervous about it. My husband and I are only 25 and I feel totally inexperienced.
You're totally inexperienced until you get some experience ;) Actually, there are some advantages to being a younger foster parent! At any rate, being willing to do it is a great place to start. You might find this video helpful too! th-cam.com/video/EMcXrIrEats/w-d-xo.html
M Lalch Hi! I’m sure you were just trying to be helpful but I made this comment over a year ago. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 7 years and about to be 27 years old. We have had plenty of time to “enjoy” our marriage (as opposed to what? Hating it after adopting?) Also, some people cannot simply just “have their own”. Again I’m sure you were just trying to be helpful but (to me at least) it came out wrong.
@@supergirlsadventure6700 I am so sorry for my insensitivity. I out of all people should be thoughtful in providing any advise to people I don't know. I became menopausal at 38 and I had just gotten married. I wished to have met my SO earlier but God knew exactly who I needed and when. Forgive me if my words upsetted you. I I wish you well and I admire your bravery and the trust in the solid marriage you have. I can see for what you said you have already been together a very long timex I may have assumed the opposite. I hope you have reached your goal and wish you well in your path. Blessings.
I'm not married, no kids snd 49 but My boyfriend and I have been living together for 8 years. I understand we would both have to take classes and have a background check with is totally fine, we are two hard working adults etc. Is the fact that we are not legally married an issue?
Loved this! I've always wanted to adopt sibling groups and older kids. Going to gather as much knowledge and insight as I can until I'm able to be an adoptive mama ♥️
Looking through the eyes of a divorced father, having the first mom in the picture has huge implications if there is regular contact. There is NO turning off the desire of the first mom to control their child's life, good or bad. Memories are one thing, actual contact is something far different and relegates the new mom's participation to that of a babysitter and not a parent.
Nataly McDermott I used to be a “maintain birth order” believer, but I changed. We have disrupted birth order a few times and are about to adopt a teen, who is older than our oldest. I think it depends on the child and it depends on your family dynamics. In our case, our oldest child did not really function like an oldest child so it actually helped to have someone step into that role who took on more of a “big sister” leadership role in our home. It has been good for her and good for our other kids. I think it’s something to stay open about but take on a case by case basis. Also, there are five years between our teen and our next oldest. That helps. It would be harder if the new child was closer in age. I think. But maybe not 🤔
Just be sure your prospective adoptee wasn’t “legally kidnapped” by US courts from their biological parents. I myself was stolen from my birth family by corrupt CPS/ US courts, only to be locked away and tortured for 4.5 yrs of my childhood from toddler on. Was pulled out of that family by a concerned teacher and adopted later, for the second time. My second adoptive parents had NO IDEA what I was as the state watered down the records. Please.. please.. do everyone a favor.. do your homework first..
@@afosteredlife ~ you’re kind..I won’t list 98% of it. Am more concerned about those not as forgiving as I am.. how do we stop the mass killing machine? It’s what I’ve dedicated my life to for the past 12 years on forever ongoing to figure out. So close to figuring it out.. if I’m ever suicided.. I didn’t.. I was killed. ✨🔴⚪️🌏✨
First tip is awful. Sincerely, stuff like that scares me out of adoption. I don't want a "first mom" being part of my life, "that person" is not welcome in my home, why would I bring up stuff like that with my kids? That seems so weird and painful, especially for kids who come from a violent and abusive household. I, myself, come from a abusive household (not an adoptee, I grew out of the system) and I don't "love them even if I hate them" that's just wrong, you're wrong, traumatized children do not want to remember and talk about shit we've been too all the time.
I appreciate your feedback. Really, I do. I think this just goes to show that there is not one way to do things and what works for one person doesn't work for everyone. My advice is based on my experience, the kids we have had in our care, and conversations I've had with older former foster youth and adult adoptees. Across the board, I have heard over and over how important it is for them to feel a connection to their birth mom, even when the circumstances were really hard. Obviously that isn't the case for you, and I think your feedback will be helpful in showing that it is not one size fits all. My advice is not going to work for everyone. Thank you again for commenting!
@@afosteredlife Yes, I get it, but still, it seems really odd to me... I'd say it's confusing for a child that just wants to settle down being constantly reminded of the messed up past they had. What would be a really hard circumstance where it is still valid to maintain a connection between the kid and birth parent? Ok, one thing is bringing up birth parents that were addicts or something, a completely different one is bringing up birth parents that held the child as a kid prostitute. The past comes either way, God knows I've been trying to forget it my whole life, it's important to come to terms with it but it's also important to leave the past in the past, you know? For people that have been through heavy stuff like I did, the connection we feel with our birth mom is no good, the thoughts related to that person and the situations the memory brings back is just so painful. I never had a family and I want to give one to a child, but I don't want them to feel like the past will play a big role in their life forever, I want them to overcome it. And thank you for your understanding, it's really never the same...
You sound really ignorant and insecure. Not all children have the same experience as you. You really expect older children to forget about their biological family members? Get real!
@@ct5951 Did I say my experiences are universal? Of course older children won't forget the traumatic events they've been through (I acknowledge that on my previous answer here) what I'm criticising is bringing up heavy topics that should stay in the past. Let the child be a child, let them enjoy their new life, let them know that the past won't play a big role in their future. Also, this is about >traumatized children< if your child had amazing birthparents and you want to talk about the past often it's another thing. But constantly bringing up the birthparent that sexually abused them is kinda off don't you think? Especially in this positive tone of "they're welcome in our house" c'mon.
It's NOT "first parent. They should NOT have ANY contact with their so-called 'birth parents'. ALL adoptions should be CLOSED adoptions. You are full of malarkey. lady!!!!!!! Their so-called birth parents either abandoned them or had their parental rights terminated.
Thank you so much for this video. My daughter's best friend who's 11 is a Foster Care Child. She's been in three homes in 3 months and her last home is over 2 hours away from me. Her social worker called me two days ago and asked me if we would be willing to take her on because she keeps yelling at everybody that she wants us to adopt her. She says it's because we love her for who she is and accept all her craziness. We're in the process
🧡
Any updates?
This is just the video I was looking for. I'm interested in adopting a child 10 or older
Monica Brock I’m so glad, Monica! Please keep me posted on your journey!
Same!
Im looking for parents who's willing to adopt an 18 years old from Philippines
Just be sure your prospective adoptee wasn’t “legally kidnapped” by US courts.
I myself was stolen from my birth family by corrupt CPS/ US courts, only to be locked away and tortured for 4.5 yrs of my childhood from toddler on. Was pulled out of that family by a concerned teacher and adopted later, for the second time.
My second adoptive parents had NO IDEA what I was as the state watered down the records.
Please.. please.. do everyone a favor.. do your homework first....
Monica: Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
I have just started the process of adopting from foster care (without fostering first) and this is hands down the best video I’ve watched. I’ll be favoriting, saving, and sharing this with my partner. Thanks you so very much! I have a feeling I’ll be referencing this again and again.
Wow, thank you! I'm so glad you found it helpful!
Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
We have over a week with a 14 year old girl in foster care. We are thinking about adopting her. This information is pretty good, thank you for sharing your experiences!
The car talks are important because, even as a kid not adopted, I knew the adults I'm talking with can't escape the discussion if they didn't like it or felt uncomfortable and usually told me the truth since they too distracted driving to lie. I didn't think like that at the time, but reflecting on the roadtrips with my dad, those were something I looked forward to since I could speak freely one-on-one. (First children know the struggle.) Also, if you are driving, you are too busy to lash out physcially if something you say angers them, which they can be nervous about depending on their background.
Thank you so much for this video! My wife and I have decided to go through the adoption process for an older child. Most are between ten and fifteen and I'm trying to soak up as much as I can to have a solid foundation for this journey. We already have three kids and I know the parenting aspect is going to be different in this situation. It broke my heart to hear about these older children being sometimes labeled as undesirable due to their age and further drove me to focus on that age group. We are very excited to be going through with this and hope to be blessed with the opportunity to give a child a chance at a good future and loving home.
Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
I am looking into a teenage boy. I had an incredibly blessed life growing up and want to share it by changing someone else's life❤❤ Paying it forward is why we are all here watching this video❤🌷
Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
@@carolbbily123Stop spamming this, the commenter already said they look into adopting an older boy.
I’m in my 50s and never had children. I’ve been really thinking of adopting an older child like 10 or 12 years old.
Do it!!!!
Aww that would be awesome ❤️ you should definitely look into it ❤️❤️
Do it!!!❤️
Yeah do it i think you can be a great mom soho
Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
Yeah I am getting adopted and I am a older child so this helped me a lot so I'm happy that I found this so this is very great and it helps since I am 11 and I am needing help learn about this situation I am in since I am in foster care and I have been in here for 1 year and I miss my mom and bother but my foster mom says that this is good for me and I will be a knew person and I am sad and glad that I will not have to let my memories of my dad take hold of me forever so this is a helping process so it is fine for a child to say no because I did not know I had a choice for 2 years and know I am learning so I hope I can get the help from my adopted parents and I am here to help other kids like me
You’re so sweet, I hope you doing good I’m glad that you got a adopted family to support you, bio family always will be always in your heart . Hopefully you got and open adoption so you can keep in touch with them
I'm so glad it helped and wish you the very best!
Spot on...especially love the marriage analogy & "shoulder to shoulder" vs "face to face" conversations...often doing something togethers, be it a car ride, shooting hoops, maybe a home repair, or showing how to change a tire on a bike. Years of experiences like these as an adolescent and family therapist. The face to face "couch session" never moved things forward nearly as well as being allowed into their safe/familiar zones (basketball court, for example) and allowing time to develop a relationship and the trust that you truly are a safe person.
I really want to foster these 2 twin brothers 12 yrs old from my daughters school after hearing their story this was so beneficial to what life might look like thank you
Thank you so much for sharing this! We have been an independent living home for refugee foster care and are currently pursuing adopting a teen from foster care. I needed to hear all of this. With our now 21 year old (from IL) the "making space to share in the car or whenever they are ready to talk" was SO TRUE. For us, it was usually that she would come out to have a cup of tea at 11:30 at night, just as my husband had gone to bed and I was about to go too. Whenever she would come out then, I learned to put whatever I was doing aside and LISTEN!!
EXACTLY!
I'm currently in the process of getting licensed and hearing the part about keeping your word over being late to an appointment was something I really needed to hear and really helps put into perspective how your kids absolutely become your priority and actions speak louder than words so keeping your word really truly matter. What a great lesson in trust!
I did have a question which is how did your extended family react when you told them and how might you handle people who aren't excited for you? This hasn't happened to us because we are in the super early stages but I have heard of it happening.
Thank you so much!
Ps we are also looking for older kids/teen sibling groups so I found this super helpful!
Lisa Tosti-Sauro thanks for watching and letting me know what you found helpful!
Fortunately, we have only received encouragement from our extended families. Foster care and adoption are part of both my husband and my extended families’ narratives, so we have had abundant support from everyone since day one.
If things aren’t that way, I think studying up on having healthy boundaries would be very helpful. Also focusing on relationships with people who will be supportive is really vital, whether with family or friends who become like family. You might have to let certain relationships take a back seat if they are unsupportive or negative. You won’t have time or bandwidth to deal with that once your kids come!
@@afosteredlife thank you so much! Really excited to watch movie of your videos!
Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
0:00-7:05, (1) Expect the biological parents of your children to be present in your household in spirit, conversation, dialogue etc. As, just because you're stable and loving and forever for the child those qualities don't erase their first family. So be open and free, and always willing to talk about those things.
7:05-8:35, (2) KEEP YOUR WORD! Your kids need constant reminders that you will be their forever like their biological parents could not.
8:35-9:41, (3) Do not talk badly about their birth parents. It is not helpful to their emotional state regardless of what happened. The dichotomy of love/hate for their birth parents may be a very real thing and you should not attempt to make it neat and tidy by bad mouthing the parents.
9:41-12:50 , (4) The child SHOULD BE apart of the adoption conversation if you plan to adopt them as early as possible. Even if the child does not want to be adopted, despite everyone knowing this is the best thing for them, respect their wishes and do not push them. Allow them to be apart of the dialogue. Sometimes foster parents stay foster parents, and do not adopt the children that stay with them until adulthood. However, most likely the child will accept you especially if they are fully aware that going back to where they were is NOT an option.
12:50-18:08, (5) Know where your child is developmentally, and know where things need to be for you all to bond as a family. Really listen, meeting them where they're at, and holding back on trying to conform them into your family. Respect them, and set ground rules that are reasonable (don't curse around children, watch what you want but refrain from showing the young ones, etc.). Enable them to have the things they love in life.
18:08-23:01, (6) Allow them to get to know the important people to you (friends, family, co-workers, etc.) and allow yourself to get to know anyone important to them.
23:01-25:12, (7) Spend time alone with them in the car. An ACTUAL PHENOMENON: People tend to open up when they're not sitting face to face (in the car). Deep conversations, and important questions come up in the car. Take the long way home, be ready to turn the radio down, don't use that time to be on the phone, and be available to your kid in the car.
25:12-27:40, (8) Be as REAL, UPFRONT, & TRANSPARENT as possible with your children. Do not let them find things out from someone else, or let the case manager do the heavy lifting of a tough conversation. Do not BS your older child, because it breaks the trust they have very little of coming from the system (Even if it's hard). Don't hide things from them.
Thank you for this!
Thank you!
Really good advice. I'm working on becoming a foster parent and want to support an older child.
Thank you! I hope it works out for you to do that. The need is so great, and the kids deserve a fighting chance. Having a safe and stable home is a huge part of that!
All my children are adopted. The first time I thought about adopting them was because they asked me to, not even knowing what my face looked like. They didn't even know I was having a serious relationship with the mother of two of them and the aunt of the third. The biological father was never spoken to me. I once told a friend of one of them that I was a adoptive parent and he didn't believe it. If there is one thing that would make any of my children angry, it would be to say that I am not their father. When the first's biological father died, he asked me if he had to be sad. I told him that I would be upset if he didn't be sad when I died, but that it wasn't natural to feel sad for someone he didn't even remember who he was.
You are a very special human being - seriously! God has really given you a heart of gold . As I contemplated fostering (and my husband was agreeable), I realized I don’t think I can do this. Your video is very thorough and I appreciate you !!
Very informative. I've been watching videos by former foster kids and current parents, but yours blows theirs away as far as professionally done informing.
Videos by former foster kids are still very informative about confirming what it is like to be one, but they are not as concise or organised or explicit with the patterns.
Thank you for the positive feedback!
Yes!
We’ve just completed paperwork to adopt a child out of foster care. Now we have required training and our home-study. So I’m really trying to get any advise I can, so thank you.
Cool! My husband and I are in the process of adopting older children through the foster care system in our state. We're documenting what we can here on TH-cam. It looks like your comment is a few months old. How's your process going?! 💜
This was so helpful, my FK case is going to adoption and we decided we would become their adoptive parents if it gets approved at court. My kids are 8 7 and 6 and of course love their mom
The world needs more people like you. And know that you have made our world a better place with your love and compassion.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Jason!
A couple took my mother in when she was a teenager. This couple was friends of my mom's aunt. Totally private arrangement. My mom always called the couple her foster parents. They were in my mom's life tell they passed away. Right before I started 7th grade we flew out to visit them. My mom passed away in 2008.
I love that they stayed in her life til the end. It really is about love and commitment, regardless of what the relationship is (foster, adoption, etc.)
I am very early in the process of adopting a 16 yo boy out of a therapeutic home. He was not in the state heart gallery, rather I chanced upon a year old grant me hope video that few had seen and no one commented upon. I thought he was an interesting kid whose quirks and way of thinking reminded me of myself many years ago. I was surprised that in a year no one had expressed interest. I liked him enough that I thought I could be a mentor for him. I knew some states had mentor programs. Mine did not, but my life experience info seemed to strike a chord consistent with his own interests, and I was being considered to be put on his call list. While talking with cps staff I learned he was desperate to get out of foster care and really wanted a family and had almost given up hope…what he preferred though was a single dad if possible. I took another look at his video and prayed God find him a good home and parents, he seemed such a great kid. The next second something like a voice inside asked the question, why must someone else want him? Why can’t you want him? By the end of his video my eyes were full of tears and the voice in my heart just kept saying my son my son my son. So either delusion or grace. The next day I called and said I didn’t just want to mentor, I wanted to adopt. Since then we have only talked by phone or zoom calls…he lives several hours from me. He already tells me that he loves me and thinks of me as his dad and family and he is bugging the dickens out of his case worker to arrange a face to face meeting. My worry is that I won’t pass the home study because I’m on a fixed income. They told me they were more concerned about finding him a home than riches…but still so many things could go wrong. I have told him and his case workers I really love him in ways I cannot explain…just my heart sees him as my son. And if by chance I can’t pass some of those hurdles…if is willing to wait when he ages out…he still has a home and if he wants, a dad. I think perhaps I worry too much…I tend to catastrophize at the drop of a hat. It turns your heart upside down. After a very difficult fostering situation with a near RAD teen 22 years ago I never wanted any kids biological or adopted…and now that I am more grandpa than dad all I can think now his how navigate the system and become this boy’s dad. This boy who is already calling me dad and telling me he loves me. I can’t fail him. I don’t know if my heart could stand it.
Thank you for sharing your heart and situation. It is people like you who offer hope to kids long forgotten by most. I pray all goes well and you are able to provide this boy the stability and security we all need to flourish.
In terms of him saying "I love you" and calling you, "Dad," it is not uncommon for young people in his situation to project this level of connection and intimacy onto potential caregivers. It is important to remember that, as quickly as he began expressing this, he can/might just as quickly change his affections. Right now, you represent the possibility of having his dream of getting out of foster care. But we all know that reality is very different from the dream, and relationships and trust take a long time. Take his "I love you" with a grain of salt, but also follow your heart. Do not be surprised if things go south once he's with you. That is very common, but it's also important to be in it, as I say often, "for the long haul." Sticking with him through thick and thin. This is how he will, eventually, know you are the real deal. He has been let down so much, it has changed the fabric of his being. Undoing that and healing his heart will take time -- I'm talking *years.* This type of healing does not happen quickly, and it will get very messy before all is said and done. Hang in there.
In terms of practical things, make sure you have a good support system in place if you move forward. Friends who will be with you during the hard times (and who won't suggest you throw in the towel when things get tough), professionals who know about RAD and trauma. Read about trauma-informed approaches, watch online videos on TBRI and connected parenting.
In terms of your income, it should not be a problem. If you are in the US, you will receive financial support to help you care for this boy. I'm not sure how it works elsewhere.
I pray all goes well for you and for him. I love hearing about people caring for teens in foster care. At the same time, I know how hard it will be, and it's important to go into it with realistic expectations. Beauty from these ashes is possible, I know this for a fact, but it takes time and consistency and showing up over and over, and doing the hard work of loving someone who, at times, might be hard to love.
All my best!
@@afosteredlife Thank you. I appreciate your concerns and share them. The I love yous are sincere but seeds that need time and nurture to spout and root. I don't know all about his past trauma, but I know some of the issues he has had therapy for point to something really bad as the grounds for separation from his mother, whom he told me he was very close to, and he did confirm without details the reasons were indeed very bad...and I suspect just about as bad as it gets. But I don't know that for a fact...only what his struggles suggest. The thing is our basic psychology and attachment patterns...and our life wounds are very similar though they came about in different ways. So while I have not been everywhere he has been emotionally, I have been most of the same places. So there is a vast reservoir of empathy on my part. Our discussions confirm that more and more. As for attachments, he began hopeful but cautious and stayed that way for several of our conversations. He is not RAD. He absolutely has the capacity to attach, in the opposite direction. He emotionally self protects because of the various disappointments you mention. He has had two failed placements because of his issues. He is honest about that. But once he begins to trust...that initial bond forms very quickly, maybe too quickly. But I am the same way...from sympathetic interest one moment to full commitment the next. So I am trying to use our mutual initial quick bond to nurture into something stronger and deeper before we even get to the trial placement phase. That way when he does get here we will already have a basic foundation upon which to build. We have broached the subject of our common humanity and proneness to mistakes and failure. We will have times where we get short tempered no doubt but we have agreed that whatever happens we will never end the day without forgiving each other. We will always strive to be honest and open with each other. No lies no hiding no having to be ashamed. And we want to build our home on respect for God, our home and ourselves. Every rule we make will be anchored in those three things; Honesty and acceptance, respect, and forgiveness. That at least is the utopian dream. The reality may need some road testing. He does have issues. Some of the more serious ones I already know, but his caseworkers tell me that he is orders of magnitude better than he used to be and his natural sweet nature outside of those instances make him a staff favorite at the group home...so I have been informed by his favorite staff member. As for education I have been watching lots of videos on foster life, aging out, and dealing with trauma. I have already started a network with traumatically trained foster parents who have adopted out of therapeutic group homes before. The road ahead, if successful, will have its bumps no doubt, maybe big ones. But I am completely committed to this boy. Like the man throwing starfish back into the sea after a storm. There is no way I can save them all...but for this one I can make a difference. That's my mindset going in.
@@afosteredlife Addendum. Where I do have concerns is him returning as an emotionally delayed teen to public high school. I am a retired educator and I ran a local ISS for five years. I know how bad some kids can be, and how bad some otherwise good kids can sometimes be. He came into foster care at eleven but because of Covid and the group home placement he has not been in a public school setting since he was still in elementary. For the last three years his education has been virtual. He hates it but I don't think he is yet mentally prepare for what he is likely to face socially in public school....and those possibilities are among the big emotional potentialities I am anticipating could be a problem to address and help him find a path through.
I'm a single guy looking to adopt, afraid I won't be good enough to raise them. Thank you for sharing your experience.
This is so incredibly helpful. We're thinking about adopting an older kid. Gives us a lot to think about.
So cool! My husband and I are in the process of adopting older children through the foster care system in our state. 💜
I’m not even half thru this video and wow such good advice. I absolutely love this discussion. Thank you.
You have a deep perception and understanding..excellent thoughts..thank you for sharing 💜
I appreciate that! Thank you!
This just came up on my feed. We are starting the process of adoption through foster care. Thank you so much for your videos. I will be checking out more of them for tips!
I’m so glad to connect!
The car thing is super interesting to me since my husband does that too. He actually proposed to me in the car. So it is interesting to know that it is a common thing to have those deeper thoughts/conversations in the car.
Stef6788 my husband proposed in the car too! But only because it was pouring rain and freezing where was planning to do it! 😂
You are an amazing woman. The children under your care are very lucky to have someone who is so kind and understanding.
Chloe Gouda that is so kind! Thank you!
This is so useful! My partner and I are looking at adopting older siblings and I've been wracking my brain trying to find information about adopting older kids. It seems that so many people seek younger kiddos.
Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
I just put my info in to get contacted about going through the process to become a foster parent. I really hope to foster/adopt teenagers especially. I feel like it's such a crucial time in their lives when they really need support and I know a lot of those kids age out of the system and if I can help even one kid to not feel alone and to feel like they have support that would just mean the world to me.
We are in the process of becoming a foster to adopt home and we are looking at adopting an older child. Thank you for the video it was very helpful
My pleasure. I'm so glad it was helpful!
Fantastic information, clear communication. Thank you.
Although it won't be for another few years, I want to become a foster to adopt parent and I feel like 'older' kids will be my forte. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. I am in New Mexico - so not too far from you and AZ. Do you know of anyone who does this as a single parent or even in an "intentional living" type situation (where there are a few non-related adults living in the same household and are all committed to fostering)?
I know several wonderful single foster parents! You might find this helpful: afosteredlife.com/2019/04/09/advice-from-a-single-foster-parent/
As someone who was abused and removed from their home/parent at age 15, no, we do NOT always love that parent. You do not speak for everyone.
Thanks for that important reminder. Everyone has different experiences. I’m sorry for your trauma.
My daughter (soon to be adopted) asked something about meeting one of my friend's, I paused for a second before responding and then suddenly apologized and said she shouldn't expect to meet all my friends. I explained to her why I paused, that it wasn't that I didn't want her to meet that friend, that it was that that friend had recently lost their significant other and wasn't in a great place right now so now might not be the best time. I told her that I want her to meet all our friends, that covid has delayed some of that just because we haven't seen many of them since the start of Covid, but that she is a part of our family, she is our daughter and we want her to be involved in all parts of our life and that includes meeting our friends.
It hadn't even been something I had considered, we had introduced her to family at this point, but not really friends yet just because we've been around so few people due to covid. But you could see relief in her face that she would really be included in our lives
Thank you for this video. My husband and I are looking into adoption from foster care and we are considering at least adopting 1 older child. We already have a 14 and 15 year old and we are in a place where we really want to grow our family. This was very helpful. 😊
This was of great help to me and I live in the Caribbean. Thank you!
Shawn Ben I am so glad!!
We have been thinking for years in adopting and we have not changed our minds about it. We do have 1 biological daughter. So I'm not sure if it will be an issue. There are just much older kids that get overlooked because they are not babies anymore. I'm excited and nervous. Currently going to start looking more into it.
I'd love to hear what you decided to do!
Our county will not leave a child in care if they can find someone to adopt. I have a friend with a child in her care that they offered to keep until he ages out and they told them no they have to find adoption
It's really interesting how differently things are handled from county to county. I hope your friend's foster son landed in a good spot and was able to maintain a relationship with his longtime foster parents.
If a child is not open to adoption for a long period and you don’t have room to keep the child and foster to adopt another you can give notice on the first child who doesn’t want to adopt. They may need another home and give the space to a child who wants to be adopted.
This has been very helpful! My husband and I are taking the training courses to adopt thru foster care and we want a teenager. We are both in our sixties, he still works and i am retired, home all day. Do you think this would matter to a teen to have older parents more like grand parents?
Rosemary, how wonderful to hear this. I am always so encouraged to hear from foster parents who are particularly interested in teens. To answer your question: NO. I do not think your age will be a big deal in most cases (there are always exceptions, as each teen is different!) I recently met a couple who are fostering and are in their 70s. Their youngest is in elementary school and they have a 16-year-old. It was very clear that he adored them! At the end of the day, a teen needs a caring adult who will be there for them through think and thin, get them the outside help they need (i.e. therapy, tutoring, job training, financial skills, etc.) and remain in their life as long as possible.
I wrote a blog post you might find helpful recently: afosteredlife.com/2021/10/13/belonging-identity-purpose-and-teens-in-foster-care/ At the end of the day, teens need adults who will walk beside them as they wrestle with the three questions that are at the core of every teen’s heart (see the book 3 Big Questions That Change Every Teenager by Kara Powell and Brad Griffin).
If you are prepared to be that person for a teen in foster care, you are exactly what they need-no matter your age. Blessings on you and your foster parenting journey!
@@afosteredlife Thank you so much for this encouragement! I will read the blog and the book.. Thank you sgain
Amazing video, thank you. I am considering adopting an older child and I have no idea what I am doing. I think this will help me avoid some pitfalls.
Glad it was helpful!
Fabulous video, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to create this for us. I’m just beginning this journey, but I am very encouraged.
Great information! Thank you so much for the perspective!
I have a nephew who turns 10 this year so next year I want to adopt an 11/12 year old, someone he can hang with when he comes to visit me. First step, getting a two bedroom apartment.
Hi Au. I think it's awesome that you're looking to adopt an older kid. My son is now 35. I'm getting licensed for foster/adopt again. One thought: It's possible they won't want to hang out with each other. Please be sure you're okay with him being whoever he is, that you'll not unintentionally reject him for rejecting your nephew.
Great advice, Rich!
Thank you for sharing .It is very informative and helpful.
I want to adopt. Too many good kids need a good home. I'm not well off, but I can provide
Kris Joseph wonderful! And so true!
Hi Kris. Most(?) states provide monthly "reimbursement" for kids adopted out of foster care, plus free medical, dental, therapy, etc. Sometimes it's not much, but can help where adopting would be financially challenging.
My dream since childhood was to adopt a child ...though it is still my prayer
This is so beautifully articulate. Thank you so much for sharing your insights. My partner and I are interested in adopting from foster care and the more research I do, the more interested I have become in adopting older. Definitely saving this to come back to!
There is such a need, and there are many wonderful young people who will thrive with stability and support you can provide. So glad you’re considering!
Thank you. What do you do when you have blown it with your teen doing the opposite of what your wise counsel you have just given?
Girl, this: th-cam.com/video/SoVO93FJ0nw/w-d-xo.htmlsi=p6NE2M4UQWk2jYHb
PS I can teach this and I believe it with all my heart and I blow it regularly. You are not alone. You are human too, with triggers and baggage and weaknesses. Hang in there. Keep going. Do the work of repairing what is broken when it’s within your power to do so. Model taking ownership for your mistakes and seeking to make it right. More is caught than taught. They will learn how to handle their own mistakes from watching how you handle yours!!
Well... if you adopt an older teen and the kid's really good with school, and you're a younger couple, you could say you're the parents of a College Grad in your mid 30's, you'll have more energy, and they'll be out of the house earlier than you think. You'll be grandparents by 30-40s, and still have some energy, you'll generally be able to enjoy life as an empty nester. Without having to child proof your entire house, be able to get on a plane without having people glaring daggers and daring you to sit next to them, travel is a little eaiser without a toddler or baby. You may have come into their lives later than expected but you could still have a good bond.
Interesting perspective! I hadn't thought of it that way 🧐
Hello!! My family and I are waiting for the 1st placement in foster care. At first I was thinking about foster toddlers but nowadays I am thinking that is good to be open yo all ages. I'm pretty anxious about that because I was wondering if the kids would be happy with me and my family
Thank ya for
You're so welcome!
the car thing is soo true, we have had so many conversations in the car.
we are preadoptive placements for 2 kids 9 and 13 who are part of a sibling group of 6. when we were interviewed we were asked if we would keep in touch and support the siblings relationship and we of course want to do so. we are no running into the issues of the team not supporting that relationship. we have not been giving any contact information or ways to let the siblings be involved. any advise to advocate for this?
Oh wow, I have experienced this as well. My best advice would be to approach the case worker you have the best rapport with, make a case for helping the kids stay in touch, and see what they can help you with. Good luck! I hope it works out!
I'm just starting the first steps of being ready for home visit from the county. I picked a child out, a teen so I have high hopes of getting through this to have a son of my own.
Not sure what to expect or how fast or slow it will be but I'm starting.
That’s great! I hope you find my resources helpful! And feel free to ask me anything! You’re not alone in this!
@@afosteredlife when your searching and then find a older/teen child you want to adopt through foster care, how is it finalized? Does the child have the final say or is it essentially up to the adoptive parents? I have wondered how it usually works if the children have no other options.
You’re in Az!!!!! Of course you are....I recently viewed the 5 vids......I’m in video overload today. Lol I haven’t even picked an Agency and I’m carrying on as though the child is on his/her way!!! I am super nervous excited. I used to be saddened by being almost 40 and not being a mother.....now, I understand why it never happened. 😇
I too reside in Az.
@@lawill3559 I actually don't live in AZ, but I was contracted by them to record their orientation videos! I'm in the Pacific Northwest! Welcome to the world of foster parenting and bless you on your journey!
Hi La Will. I pray you're staying encouraged. 40's not old. :) I had foster sons when I was 38+, too. My adopted son is now 35. I'm still connected with 5 of 7 former foster sons.
Do you have any advice for parents who want to adopt a waiting child from foster care with no prior experience fostering or with their own children? My husband and I would like to adopt a waiting child, he’s a boy, age 12 and has been in foster care for over five years. We have started the classes but each person we talk to has told us our chances of adopting are slim to none because we haven’t previously had our own children or fostered previously. We’ve been told our best bet would be to foster and if the child’s parents rights are terminated to adopted but that isn’t exactly how we want to go about it.
I have been interested in foster care and adoption for years but I just feel so nervous about it. My husband and I are only 25 and I feel totally inexperienced.
You're totally inexperienced until you get some experience ;) Actually, there are some advantages to being a younger foster parent! At any rate, being willing to do it is a great place to start. You might find this video helpful too! th-cam.com/video/EMcXrIrEats/w-d-xo.html
Maybe you should enjoy your marriage and then have your own. Thenngollow the path to adoption when you feel more confident.
M Lalch Hi! I’m sure you were just trying to be helpful but I made this comment over a year ago. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 7 years and about to be 27 years old. We have had plenty of time to “enjoy” our marriage (as opposed to what? Hating it after adopting?) Also, some people cannot simply just “have their own”. Again I’m sure you were just trying to be helpful but (to me at least) it came out wrong.
A Fostered Life sorry I never saw this comment before! Thanks for the reply and for the link!
@@supergirlsadventure6700 I am so sorry for my insensitivity. I out of all people should be thoughtful in providing any advise to people I don't know. I became menopausal at 38 and I had just gotten married. I wished to have met my SO earlier but God knew exactly who I needed and when. Forgive me if my words upsetted you. I I wish you well and I admire your bravery and the trust in the solid marriage you have. I can see for what you said you have already been together a very long timex I may have assumed the opposite. I hope you have reached your goal and wish you well in your path. Blessings.
I'm not married, no kids snd 49 but My boyfriend and I have been living together for 8 years. I understand we would both have to take classes and have a background check with is totally fine, we are two hard working adults etc. Is the fact that we are not legally
married an issue?
Great video! Thank you for this.
Thank you for this video. It was so helpful
Loved this! I've always wanted to adopt sibling groups and older kids. Going to gather as much knowledge and insight as I can until I'm able to be an adoptive mama ♥️
I'm looking for parents who's willing to adopt 18 years old from Philippines
Could you please contact and adopt older kids, Thanks
Looking through the eyes of a divorced father, having the first mom in the picture has huge implications if there is regular contact. There is NO turning off the desire of the first mom to control their child's life, good or bad. Memories are one thing, actual contact is something far different and relegates the new mom's participation to that of a babysitter and not a parent.
My husband and I are trying to adopt a 4 year old child. Do you think that’s old enough to remember their former family?
Melissa Menchaca yes! In my experience kids remember as far back as three.
Totally agree!! They’ll remember. But don’t be afraid of it.
Thank you!!!!!
What do you think about adopting a child older than your oldest child? My oldest is 4.
Nataly McDermott I used to be a “maintain birth order” believer, but I changed. We have disrupted birth order a few times and are about to adopt a teen, who is older than our oldest. I think it depends on the child and it depends on your family dynamics. In our case, our oldest child did not really function like an oldest child so it actually helped to have someone step into that role who took on more of a “big sister” leadership role in our home. It has been good for her and good for our other kids. I think it’s something to stay open about but take on a case by case basis. Also, there are five years between our teen and our next oldest. That helps. It would be harder if the new child was closer in age. I think. But maybe not 🤔
Great informative vedio
Thanks for watching!
That's a really good video.
Thank you!
You are amazing to me! saying things that is obvious to me but wish my mother new. Such an inspiration! will you be my mentor?
Joy Levallius I do mentor/coach foster parents! Email me at christy@afosteredlife.com if you’re interested!
Great info! Thank you😁
Great video❤❤❤❤
Just be sure your prospective adoptee wasn’t “legally kidnapped” by US courts from their biological parents.
I myself was stolen from my birth family by corrupt CPS/ US courts, only to be locked away and tortured for 4.5 yrs of my childhood from toddler on. Was pulled out of that family by a concerned teacher and adopted later, for the second time.
My second adoptive parents had NO IDEA what I was as the state watered down the records.
Please.. please.. do everyone a favor.. do your homework first..
I'm sorry for the horrific experience you've had.
@@afosteredlife ~ you’re kind..I won’t list 98% of it. Am more concerned about those not as forgiving as I am.. how do we stop the mass killing machine?
It’s what I’ve dedicated my life to for the past 12 years on forever ongoing to figure out.
So close to figuring it out.. if I’m ever suicided.. I didn’t.. I was killed.
✨🔴⚪️🌏✨
I'm in Africa and I want to give my 6years old daughter for adoption
❤️
💕
❤️❤️❤️❤️
First tip is awful. Sincerely, stuff like that scares me out of adoption. I don't want a "first mom" being part of my life, "that person" is not welcome in my home, why would I bring up stuff like that with my kids? That seems so weird and painful, especially for kids who come from a violent and abusive household. I, myself, come from a abusive household (not an adoptee, I grew out of the system) and I don't "love them even if I hate them" that's just wrong, you're wrong, traumatized children do not want to remember and talk about shit we've been too all the time.
I appreciate your feedback. Really, I do. I think this just goes to show that there is not one way to do things and what works for one person doesn't work for everyone. My advice is based on my experience, the kids we have had in our care, and conversations I've had with older former foster youth and adult adoptees. Across the board, I have heard over and over how important it is for them to feel a connection to their birth mom, even when the circumstances were really hard. Obviously that isn't the case for you, and I think your feedback will be helpful in showing that it is not one size fits all. My advice is not going to work for everyone. Thank you again for commenting!
@@afosteredlife Yes, I get it, but still, it seems really odd to me... I'd say it's confusing for a child that just wants to settle down being constantly reminded of the messed up past they had. What would be a really hard circumstance where it is still valid to maintain a connection between the kid and birth parent? Ok, one thing is bringing up birth parents that were addicts or something, a completely different one is bringing up birth parents that held the child as a kid prostitute. The past comes either way, God knows I've been trying to forget it my whole life, it's important to come to terms with it but it's also important to leave the past in the past, you know? For people that have been through heavy stuff like I did, the connection we feel with our birth mom is no good, the thoughts related to that person and the situations the memory brings back is just so painful. I never had a family and I want to give one to a child, but I don't want them to feel like the past will play a big role in their life forever, I want them to overcome it. And thank you for your understanding, it's really never the same...
You sound really ignorant and insecure. Not all children have the same experience as you. You really expect older children to forget about their biological family members? Get real!
Very ignorant
@@ct5951 Did I say my experiences are universal? Of course older children won't forget the traumatic events they've been through (I acknowledge that on my previous answer here) what I'm criticising is bringing up heavy topics that should stay in the past. Let the child be a child, let them enjoy their new life, let them know that the past won't play a big role in their future. Also, this is about >traumatized children< if your child had amazing birthparents and you want to talk about the past often it's another thing. But constantly bringing up the birthparent that sexually abused them is kinda off don't you think? Especially in this positive tone of "they're welcome in our house" c'mon.
Not to be rude but please get a little drink. It seems your uncomfortable and nervous.
Your wall is cracked.
It's NOT "first parent. They should NOT have ANY contact with their so-called 'birth parents'.
ALL adoptions should be CLOSED adoptions.
You are full of malarkey. lady!!!!!!!
Their so-called birth parents either abandoned them or had their parental rights terminated.
Thank you for using the word “malarkey!” That made my day! 🤩
Is this video shot in a plastic shed in the backyard? Dang.