This is really interesting. I'd heard people say that the thing you live becomes the thing you hate but never understood why. More videos about that and trait integration would be amazing.
I really love that you addressed this topic! Super interesting. It also made me wonder - is it still possible to create a strong infatuation if we don't put up a facade at first? And how important would you say it is to have a strong infatuation in the beginning of a relationship?
@@spikygreen you’ll still have that huge infatuation when you meet somebody else who is ready. It’s not a great thing however, just something to get through.
@@sethtenrec I'm ok with not feeling super infatuated myself. I can usually develop feelings when I'm with a good partner who treats me well and is very much into me. But the latter part is crucial. I can't really develop feelings unless my partner is clearly obsessed with me, wants to spend as much time as possible together, etc. It's almost like I have a reactive romantic attachment, similar to how many women are believed to have a reactive sexual arousal (i.e., only get turned on when someone already wants us, rather than spontaneously). And although people have become romantically interested in me spontaneously sometimes, without me putting in any effort, I just don't know if they can achieve a truly strong infatuation or become convinced that I am their dream partner unless I actually conform to their idea of their dream partner. And I'm pretty average, so.. My best relationship was for sure one where I put in a lot of effort to stimulate the person to fall in love with me in the beginning (by encouraging him to talk about himself and what's important to him, participating in activities he enjoyed, etc.). To be fair, it only worked because he was the right person in the first place.
I love healthy content like this. Thank you for sharing and counteracting some of the unhealthy, yet commonly accepted concepts floating around that keeps people stuck. ✨☀️✨
Very helpful content! Myself, believed in these pick-up gurus. But it's never too late for learn and rectify. At the end of the day, the key is know yourself first and then just be yourself.
I would love to hear more about how to better navigate the power struggle phase. I was more passive and he was/is more assertive and now it's become a point of contention because I'm not feeling as passive and his assertive personality is so dominant that I'm having a hard time getting my feelings across with out meeting defensiveness.
I wish I could have been one of your clients/ patients in those days when you were one on one, but I still feel so thankful to have discovered you and feel like listening to you is so beneficial ❤
Thank you for making this I roll my eyes when people encourage these type of behaviors like its a freakin game when theres people who can get hurt in the process
can you make a video that goes over how to tell if someone is genuinly not the right fit for you vs is it your attachment style showing up and trying to sabotage?
Thank you Thais for debunking these stupid narratives. These so called “games” are so toxic it’s crazy how many people get sucked into it. If it’s not authentic, it sucks up all of your energy and leaves you miserable.
I think all this modern dating advice is damaged people trying to navigate a relationship with other damaged people. Sad part is most people now are damaged and it is the horrible game that must be played if one wants to be in the game. I myself have bowed out and removed myself from this mentally damaging game
Wow this is INSANELY HEALTHY AND HELPFUL. I'm about to have one of these conversations and communicate my needs to the guy I'm seeing, to see if he can meet my needs and for the first time EVERRR, finally holding my own and coming in with my own non-negotiables for what I need to feel seen and safe, then morphing into whatever they give me and feeling disappointed/sad/anxious/up and down over it!
WO it appears I can not only hear & see you when you speak your incredible great wisdom but I can feel you as well. You're a true gift to this world. ❤
This is such an insightful video, it describes exactly what I’ve been going through. The manipulative tactics you’re talking about is what has ruined my relationships. Playing hard to get is self sabotage and cheating can also be a part of that game. I wish I learned these things sooner and not waste so much time but I guess experiencing all these situations was what I needed in order to learn. Again, thanks for your content, it’s really helpful.
The way online dating has evolved means: Love addicts and Love Avoidants, here we come! 😂 I laugh but actually , this is a very serious affliction which only gets worse. Where did getting to know someone, before becoming intimate go? Seeking the highs: Selfish, Self Seeking, Dishonest and Fearful, and inconsiderate.
From my expierence, whenever I was vulnerable the outcome was very negative, so the concept that both should be vulnerable is healthy, yes. However, in modern dating, social media has brainwashed women to think this way and men this way, so often times be careful who you´re vulnerable with...Too many mind games, and usually I´m gone at that point nowadays. One thing that I´ve noticed from a lot of people and would cautious others on is that often times "conditions" and boundaries get mixed up and can also be used to manipulate (shifting the goal post etc..) There should never be conditions when you´re intimate in a relationship, clear boundaries that both can agree on or if needed comprimise on.
Thank you for sharing this! I feel those videos are manipulative and they concern me that someone would follow that advice when it isn’t their authentic self. 😢
Another great vlog Thais, thank you. I have your new book, learning love, and am working through it. I can recommend it to anyone who like me needs to move from an insecure attachment style to secure. It's proving a difficult journey, but hopefully I'll get there ❤
A DA ex contacted me again after 1 year of no communication. We have done the hot/cold for years. I don’t with to repeat this cycle. It’s devastating for me, they know I want a committed relationship, but he has no idea how to get there. How can I tell him I don’t wish to talk for my own self preservation?? I don’t want to be emotionally and mentally destroyed again.
Tell him what you just wrote here, wish him well in his life, and say goodbye. And mean it. It’s honest, sincere, kind, and it’s you showing up for your boundaries.
I agree. I lost a 34 year marriage to a DA. She is a good person I feel but she struggled to communicate and be "all in" also subject to advice from people not in our relationship which ended it. I love her and she likely will never speak to me again. But I can say that the price is too high with the probability of the same outcome
I think that maybe it's possible that even a person who is trying to open up & communicate can sometimes be misconstrued or understood? I mean it definitely seems like it takes a very centered person who's taken the time to work on themselves, to know who they are , what they want, to be able to be strong and centered enough to make it through various stages of a relationship to get to that beautiful level of truth or trust or real friendship, love with another?
I have a secure attachment style. My bf is a fearful avoidant. I brought up my needs for what I saw as a healthy dynamic (validation, vulnerability, empathy, active listening) about 3-4 months into our relationship. I went in knowing mostly who I am, what I wanted, but…he did not. It took a year and some before I snapped a couple months ago and he went into crisis management mode. Since then he’s been putting in the effort. Way more slowly than I would have like, but I can see small changes. With all these stages, as long as both people put in effort only then a relationship can work. Unfortunately one party might just have to be more patient for awhile before the relationship balances out.
Thank you so much for this ..I really needed it.. because I always felt triggered for this crazy coaches of feminine and masculine.. part of me felt that unhealthy and full of games .
Hi Thais, this is a great video. I got a lot of valuable information from it. Thank you! I was wondering if you could make a video about codependent relationships, specifically two anxious attachments, one leaning a bit more avoidant, and wanting to transform your relationship into a healthy one. Are people in codependent relationships doomed to break up or stay in an unhealthy relationship? What is codependency? Is there hope for staying together even after doing the work, or inevitably will you be too different and break up?
Do this dating advice tactics do even work with an fearful avoidant? Because It's quite the opposite from what an fa needs or gets attracted to. Or am I wrong?
No problem, be yourself as much as possible. Smile. Be happy. Don’t try to force a connection. …and especially for a AP like me, deal with your own emotions!
Modern dating advice: 1) love yourself 2) literally everything about you is wrong. Get therapy. Ugh stop caring so much, no-one will want you if you care, it's so unattractive. Also why are you not loving yourself yet?
What do you think of these three things? Would you add anything else? Share in the comments! ❤
This is really interesting. I'd heard people say that the thing you live becomes the thing you hate but never understood why. More videos about that and trait integration would be amazing.
I really love that you addressed this topic! Super interesting.
It also made me wonder - is it still possible to create a strong infatuation if we don't put up a facade at first? And how important would you say it is to have a strong infatuation in the beginning of a relationship?
I would add several things...
@@spikygreen you’ll still have that huge infatuation when you meet somebody else who is ready. It’s not a great thing however, just something to get through.
@@sethtenrec I'm ok with not feeling super infatuated myself. I can usually develop feelings when I'm with a good partner who treats me well and is very much into me. But the latter part is crucial. I can't really develop feelings unless my partner is clearly obsessed with me, wants to spend as much time as possible together, etc. It's almost like I have a reactive romantic attachment, similar to how many women are believed to have a reactive sexual arousal (i.e., only get turned on when someone already wants us, rather than spontaneously). And although people have become romantically interested in me spontaneously sometimes, without me putting in any effort, I just don't know if they can achieve a truly strong infatuation or become convinced that I am their dream partner unless I actually conform to their idea of their dream partner. And I'm pretty average, so.. My best relationship was for sure one where I put in a lot of effort to stimulate the person to fall in love with me in the beginning (by encouraging him to talk about himself and what's important to him, participating in activities he enjoyed, etc.). To be fair, it only worked because he was the right person in the first place.
Ugh, I have never ever bought into the idea of playing mind games. I like to think it's kept manipulative people out of my life.
❤
I love healthy content like this. Thank you for sharing and counteracting some of the unhealthy, yet commonly accepted concepts floating around that keeps people stuck. ✨☀️✨
Glad you liked it! Thanks for your comment
Very helpful content! Myself, believed in these pick-up gurus. But it's never too late for learn and rectify.
At the end of the day, the key is know yourself first and then just be yourself.
being yourself is very important!
I would love to hear more about how to better navigate the power struggle phase. I was more passive and he was/is more assertive and now it's become a point of contention because I'm not feeling as passive and his assertive personality is so dominant that I'm having a hard time getting my feelings across with out meeting defensiveness.
I wish I could have been one of your clients/ patients in those days when you were one on one, but I still feel so thankful to have discovered you and feel like listening to you is so beneficial ❤
Thank you for making this I roll my eyes when people encourage these type of behaviors like its a freakin game when theres people who can get hurt in the process
❤
can you make a video that goes over how to tell if someone is genuinly not the right fit for you vs is it your attachment style showing up and trying to sabotage?
This video can be helpful to the question you asked:
th-cam.com/video/DGOwUrAGuZ4/w-d-xo.html
Thank you Thais for debunking these stupid narratives. These so called “games” are so toxic it’s crazy how many people get sucked into it. If it’s not authentic, it sucks up all of your energy and leaves you miserable.
I think all this modern dating advice is damaged people trying to navigate a relationship with other damaged people. Sad part is most people now are damaged and it is the horrible game that must be played if one wants to be in the game. I myself have bowed out and removed myself from this mentally damaging game
Be yourself as everybody else is taken ❤
Wow this is INSANELY HEALTHY AND HELPFUL. I'm about to have one of these conversations and communicate my needs to the guy I'm seeing, to see if he can meet my needs and for the first time EVERRR, finally holding my own and coming in with my own non-negotiables for what I need to feel seen and safe, then morphing into whatever they give me and feeling disappointed/sad/anxious/up and down over it!
WO it appears I can not only hear & see you when you speak your incredible great wisdom but I can feel you as well.
You're a true gift to this world.
❤
I totally agree with the vid. I have always tried to be who I say I am. In other words jump past the in authentic dance to attract. Be congruent.
So happy you hit this topic!!! More experts have to chime in on this. This wastes so much time! I’m thankful for your courses…such a game changer.
Glad you like the courses Regina!
This is such an insightful video, it describes exactly what I’ve been going through. The manipulative tactics you’re talking about is what has ruined my relationships. Playing hard to get is self sabotage and cheating can also be a part of that game. I wish I learned these things sooner and not waste so much time but I guess experiencing all these situations was what I needed in order to learn. Again, thanks for your content, it’s really helpful.
The way online dating has evolved means: Love addicts and Love Avoidants, here we come! 😂 I laugh but actually , this is a very serious affliction which only gets worse. Where did getting to know someone, before becoming intimate go? Seeking the highs: Selfish, Self Seeking, Dishonest and Fearful, and inconsiderate.
From my expierence, whenever I was vulnerable the outcome was very negative, so the concept that both should be vulnerable is healthy, yes. However, in modern dating, social media has brainwashed women to think this way and men this way, so often times be careful who you´re vulnerable with...Too many mind games, and usually I´m gone at that point nowadays.
One thing that I´ve noticed from a lot of people and would cautious others on is that often times "conditions" and boundaries get mixed up and can also be used to manipulate (shifting the goal post etc..) There should never be conditions when you´re intimate in a relationship, clear boundaries that both can agree on or if needed comprimise on.
Really appreciate touching base on the state of modern dating.
❤
Thank you for sharing this! I feel those videos are manipulative and they concern me that someone would follow that advice when it isn’t their authentic self. 😢
Another great vlog Thais, thank you. I have your new book, learning love, and am working through it. I can recommend it to anyone who like me needs to move from an insecure attachment style to secure. It's proving a difficult journey, but hopefully I'll get there ❤
Best of luck Peter! It isn;t always easy, but will be so rewarding I promise! Keep up your amazing work ❤
Thank you Thais
You should do a video on online dating/how it has worsened society.
This is the best video yet!! ❤
Thank you for sharing this wealth of very important information! Much appreciated!
❤
Wow this was a very good and informative video!
Glad you liked it
This was an amazing video and such an important topic! I hope more people watch this video to gain awareness!
Thank you, you have helped me so much
You're so welcome!
Thank you!! Best advice I’ve heard in a long time
A DA ex contacted me again after 1 year of no communication. We have done the hot/cold for years. I don’t with to repeat this cycle. It’s devastating for me, they know I want a committed relationship, but he has no idea how to get there. How can I tell him I don’t wish to talk for my own self preservation?? I don’t want to be emotionally and mentally destroyed again.
Tell him what you just wrote here, wish him well in his life, and say goodbye. And mean it. It’s honest, sincere, kind, and it’s you showing up for your boundaries.
@@LyleMyers💯
I agree. I lost a 34 year marriage to a DA. She is a good person I feel but she struggled to communicate and be "all in" also subject to advice from people not in our relationship which ended it. I love her and she likely will never speak to me again. But I can say that the price is too high with the probability of the same outcome
@@johnmaus4408 you were with her for 34 years??
All your content just drops for me 💝 thank you girllll x x x 🌻💫💅🏻
What a great video!! Thais your videos are really great!
This is very healthy. Please keep sharing.
Thank you, this is timely and positive content.
I think that maybe it's possible that even a person who is trying to open up & communicate can sometimes be misconstrued or understood?
I mean it definitely seems like it takes a very centered person who's taken the time to work on themselves, to know who they are , what they want, to be able to be strong and centered enough to make it through various stages of a relationship to get to that beautiful level of truth or trust or real friendship, love with another?
I have a secure attachment style. My bf is a fearful avoidant. I brought up my needs for what I saw as a healthy dynamic (validation, vulnerability, empathy, active listening) about 3-4 months into our relationship. I went in knowing mostly who I am, what I wanted, but…he did not. It took a year and some before I snapped a couple months ago and he went into crisis management mode. Since then he’s been putting in the effort. Way more slowly than I would have like, but I can see small changes.
With all these stages, as long as both people put in effort only then a relationship can work. Unfortunately one party might just have to be more patient for awhile before the relationship balances out.
@kinko920 I like your view of what healthy dynamics are and how you are practicing patience .
Yes, crushing down this bullshit. I am still shocked sometimes how much this masc/fem is circulating around in Spiri Communities.
For real Thais, thanks for making this video! ❤
Thank you so much for this ..I really needed it.. because I always felt triggered for this crazy coaches of feminine and masculine.. part of me felt that unhealthy and full of games .
The mind games and playing hard to get feels so ingenuinue
Hi Thais, this is a great video. I got a lot of valuable information from it. Thank you! I was wondering if you could make a video about codependent relationships, specifically two anxious attachments, one leaning a bit more avoidant, and wanting to transform your relationship into a healthy one. Are people in codependent relationships doomed to break up or stay in an unhealthy relationship? What is codependency? Is there hope for staying together even after doing the work, or inevitably will you be too different and break up?
Thank you so much.
Thanks!
Do this dating advice tactics do even work with an fearful avoidant? Because It's quite the opposite from what an fa needs or gets attracted to. Or am I wrong?
What are your thoughts on dating in 2023?
No problem, be yourself as much as possible. Smile. Be happy. Don’t try to force a connection. …and especially for a AP like me, deal with your own emotions!
Every time a woman plays hard to get, it's a total turn-off for me.
Modern dating advice:
1) love yourself
2) literally everything about you is wrong. Get therapy. Ugh stop caring so much, no-one will want you if you care, it's so unattractive. Also why are you not loving yourself yet?
Exactly!
It's ironic that the internet pop psychologists have become the overly critical parents that they tell us are the cause of all our problems
There are actually 7 major steps of a relationship. The final step is ......