Dear Kyle Kittlesson, I love this content, thank you. I am watching it the second time because I was brought up with a midly narcisstic parent and my other parent was just neglecting me so I have certainly developed unhealthy emotional boundaries. I have learnt a lot by now but it is good to have such a clear cut program on it I am really educated.
Schema therapy mixed with DBT and CBT has helped me really work through my emotional boundary issues. Thankfully I've been with my partner for 14yrs and have great boundaries, independence and feel secure. But when it comes to me and my friendships I tend to use up all my energy for everyone and everything. Schema therapy helped me to start saying no to people, work through my "wounded child" and re-parent myself. The only thing I'm still working on is the guilt you feel when setting boundaries etc. Slowly getting better at not feeling guilty but really starting to understand I need to fill my cup otherwise I'm constantly burnt out etc. After setting boundaries I noticed those that abused my generosity and people pleasing really start to become quite toxic and angry etc. One thing I have really started to do is also not having to explain myself when I say no. Usually I would go into this apologetic and drawn out reasons as to why, but now I just say no (unless with circumstances that need reason). It's amazing when you have friends that are enmeshed and you start setting boundaries and not trying to justify yourself how you start seeing how others insecurity plays on to your people pleasing and generosity. I've done schema therapy for a year now and honestly, I am such a different person to when I was before therapy. I don't apologies unless I know I've done something wrong and am in the wrong, I don't let others walk all over me, I have more confidence in myself and have stopped self sabotaging, and have worked through most of my schemas that were limiting my sense of self and beliefs. I hope if anyone who doesn't know where to begin and wants to work on themselves and needs a starting point, look into schema therapy 😊 (also I'm a counsellor, and currently finishing my psychology degree, which working on my schemas has been a godsend in helping me accomplish things and change my mindset to being able to do study etc (as I have ADHD so had a lot of limiting self doubt etc)).
CBT did not help me at all with social anxiety. In fact it made things worse - I ended up with people pleasing, fawning and being pushover. This happened since I would be in toxic ambient without knowing it is toxic - and I would feel toxicity and as I am about to label it as toxic - I enforced the messages from CBT: 1) that toxic people do not exist 2) that my discomfort is hallucination 3) that if I am abused that I can change my thinking through ABC model and I ended up with total self blame and self pathologizing myself 4) people would walk all over me - since I would lobotomize my natural discomfort emotions as reaction to someone being rude. CBT is so wrong on so many levels, Humanistic therapies are the correct therapy. CBT is using limited psychiatry vocabulary to describe complex human condition and this sets CBT up to over-generalizing and black and white cognitive distortions. We live in fuzzy logic and dualism - and CBT enforces only one mindset, CBT is like North Korea.
This is great! I think it might have helped to also address why not having healthy boundaries is not a good thing for the self and the other. For example, some seem to emphasize empathy so much that they cannot provide what the other person needs. A person drowning in self-pity does not need overwhelming empathy that is not free to recognize what the other person needs is hope. A person caught up in hatred does not need someone to encourage revenge and hostility. They may need help getting more free of their emotions so they can consider moderating facts or the realistic consequences of letting their hostility have full control. Empathy is a powerful connector, but can also encourage emotions that are not helpful to the other. Further, not having healthy boundaries makes a person a reactive slave to whatever emotions others have. It makes them controllable by predators and manipulators who want to exploit them. It makes them a slave to their own feelings at times when a less emotional and more logical frame of mind might be more productive and helpful. I know you did not have time to explore all this and more, but I wanted to add my initial 2 cents of thought to it. Thanks for bringing this up!😊
I would add that Jung said What we resist, persist. CBT is giving false solution which does not work in real life - and in fact paradoxically and ironically lead to more boundary crossings. I talked about this on other comments here - but in short: we need to build up our self worth - and our boundaries will come naturally - without us spending time or OCD worry in maintaining boundaries as CBT instructs us. Self worth and self validation are the key -
I understood myself and others better when I learned about codependency, emotions and, boundaries on a whole new level from Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love & Freedom Hidden In Painful Feelings Here is a quote that stayed with me: "Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you. The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation." This is such a deep subject and has so many nuances. I loved how she explained everything about emotions in such a practical way. Thank you!
"If the clerk at the store is giving me a lot of attitude, shortness and is being rude, I don't necessarily have to get lit up over that. That would be me having an appropriate emotional boundary." This is what I personally have problem with and it is what I label as social anxiety. In all cases when someone like that was rude - I would indeed have emotional boundary - I would not get up lit up over someone being rude at all. I would shut up, self censor, I would not make a scene. And this ended up me being taken advantage of, people would say incorrect things about me, accuse me of things I didn't do - and I would not rock the boat, I would shut up. And I ended up being pushed around, I would fawn, and ended up being people pleaser. "Don't assume other people's emotions." I wouldn't - and I ended up shutting up when they were rude or even violent. Let them do whatever they want. This does not work in real life. With learning psychology I discovered that anger is okay emotions, too. That suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. As I would not do anything if someone was rude- I would feel toxic shame, self blame inside and embarrassment that I am the cause of problems. Other person would blame me for any issue - and my silence would approve it - and I ended up dancing around as others ordered me. This CBT instruction to not react to toxic people leads to being passive. Like in drama movie "Incident" with Martin Sheen from 1967 - with passengers trapped in train where hooligans molest them without any passenger reacting to their abuse. We need to assume what is happening - otherwise other people will fill in missing information for us. They will provide their version of reality, and hence we are getting manipulated and controlled. As Dyer said - we are doomed to make choices, that is life's paradox. This means - we are doomed to make mistakes and to have bias and prejudices - we are not god nor computer to bring super healthy decisions 24/7 - sometimes we will mess up since we don't have all information and we don't have time to process all information - and when we don't process information trauma will occur. So CBT advice not to assume leads to trauma and being stuck - as I was with people pleasing, fawning and being pushover - where other person (rude, abnormal, screaming drama queens) would define conclusions for me and I would go along with whatever abuser state is happening - I would subscribe to their version of reality - while I would be calm, nice, good and without reaction drama as CBT instructs us. That is why CBT is horrible therapy, it is filled with errors. CBT is trying to tell us that we are regulated and that we do not jump to triggers - that we heal our trauma - but CBT does not recognize CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD) and hence CBT has no tools , explanations to describe what healing trauma means. So CBT is simply giving us instruction to smile when we are depressed. That we are calm when someone is abusive and irrational. In real life this leads to being passive - and that is CBT's goal. CBT is invented for criminally insane - it is not therapy for neurotics, anxious individuals who are voluntarily seeking answers to fears. CBT is directed to serial killers, insane aggressive scum, criminals - so that they calm down. Example of CBT over-generalizing and black and white polarizing: In social anxiety CBT instructs that we expose all the time to everything and CBT equates trauma with personality - CBT says that we need to be strong as if being strong is persona, character. Or to be confident - as if we are not allowed to be scared if we are in danger. 2:26 "You ruminate what you did" That is trauma - which means something is not resolved, it is not processed. Some event, some remark, someone's comment, someone's action - we don't know how to manage it - due to Complex trauma: exposure to relentless criticism and narcissistic abuse while growing up - we never learned what to feel other than fawn, people please and avoid punishment by being passive and obedient and trying to fix emotions of someone who appears to be in some kind of authority (we need service or help from this person). Trauma is spiraling in emotions because of someone emotions. 4:42 "You have to separate emotions" This does not work in job ambient where we cannot separate from demanding coworker or boss. Then if we do not live in healthy and wealthy Western country - where we can find another job - in toxic country like Balkans - we are trapped in toxic ambient where we must obey to tyranny in order to survive. Here CBT advice to separate does not work, we need better solution - which is Liberation psychology. This is example how CBT is built up for wealthy people - it is not for mass to consume. CBT is created by Republicans and narcissists - parasites who are wealthy and have money and that is perspective of anything that CBT explains reality. CBT creates incredible psychological damage to real people with real jobs and real problems. Liberation psychology tells us to express ourselves - as a way to separate while being glued into toxic ambient, without drama, just pure facts - so that we do not get fired based on our reactive abuse - such as screaming back to abusers and toxic people. CBT does not explain self expression at all - CBT is focusing on us being servant and depended on toxic people by creating Trump walls to what we perceive as threat. Without noticing it - we make our primary focus into toxic people - we spend our energy and focus - by CBT advice. Humanistic psychology is being focused on our own goals - which would mean planning to leave toxic ambient in the future when we are ready. Primary goal is our dreams, wants, needs with mutual respect and interdependence, using common sense and instinct to guide us - not our walls nor building our walls. When we build self worth - we will naturally build walls - we won't be obsessed with walls or toxic people - they will be in the background - and our well being would be in primary focus. With CBT is other way around - we make toxic people our OCD concern, in prime focus while our needs are somewhere in the background, forgotten and suppressed. This is because CBT is corporate tool created by sick narcissistic mentally ill people like Trump.
I'd like to know more about where the line is for what we should be able to expect from a partner, in regards to how much of their life they share with us, and how much of our life we should expect them to participate and be interested in. I understand that "how much" is healthy to share will be an individual preference based on attachment style and personal history, but what actually is within the spectrum of "healthy sharing?" I need more green flags!! When I was in college, my boyfriend (cruelly, intentionally) asked me how my Dad was. I asked why, and it turned out that my Dad had been undergoing cancer treatments for months, and I didn't even know he had been diagnosed. My mom chatted with my BF's mom about it, and his mom then asked him if I was depressed or anything about my dad's diagnosis; that's how that jerk found out before I did. My therapist at the time asked me why I felt entitled to the information, why I expected my family to share information like my Dad's cancer diagnosis with me. I remember staring at her with my mouth open. I didn't know how to explain to her that I loved my father and wanted to be there for him, not only during the good times, but also when things got difficult. I didn't know how to tell her that I thought when things got tough, we were supposed to be able to count on loved ones for support. I understood privacy, especially with medical things, but when my boyfriend finds out before I do, that isn't the concern. Just knowing the truth about my Dad's wellbeing was important to me, and everyone around me made me feel like an asshole for wanting to be included in his authentic life, for wanting to be allowed to express love to him in a way that was actually meaningful. So my family of origin has issues with this, knowing which pieces of our life we can share and what not to share. I never know what is normal and what isn't, when a partner is too distant or too close.
If I could a divise victims of narcissistic abuse I’d say spend you lifetime to forgive yourself for accepting the abuse or not knowing what was happening. I’m struggling in such process of self esteem and self forgiveness. I aways have been able to forgive people and now the one who needs the most, guess who’s.
Not everything is narcissistic abuse. Many people have problems with boundaries but if you have a pattern of attracting narcissist into your life you especially have to have firm boundaries.
@@vickils9571 I don’t agree with you! I know what I’ve been through. Nobody has the power to gaslighting me or denying my perceptions. Sorry. I’m not blaming myself for such magical thoughts of attraction law or else.
I never suggested that you didn't know what you have been through, I was speaking broadly, but I do wonder about your defensiveness. What I talking about is a deep psychological concept called repetition compulsion, or repetition enactment, it has nothing to do with the law of attraction.
@@vickils9571 do you need the upper hand? You got it. Please leave me alone. I agree to disagree. You’re entitled to come with your need tho have the upper hand. Take it a be happy! I have my rights. It’s interesting that you target my post just because it bothers you. Sorry again, I have no time available to wrestle.
Many people erroneously believe that the lack of emotional boundaries is the same thing as empathy or that rationalizing other people's bad behavior is empathy.
@@Kerrviii could you kindly explain to me what an empath is? The reason I am asking is many of the people I was referring to identify themselves ad empaths.
My husband and I lost our 25 year old Daughter On March 31, 2022. Ever since this happened we are sleeping in separate rooms. We argue about Everything. I don’t know how to live without my Daughter and obviously He doesn’t either. Counseling is not working, we fight about everything said in therapy. I don’t know how we can get through this? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Have you heard of Somatic Experiencing? Also NARM, & Accelerated Resolution Therapy and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) All of things are excellent
Wow Tambi. I am no expert but sometimes you have to be the one to stop arguing no matter how upsetting or frustrating it may be. Try to fully understand his point of view without bias or judgement or a preset idea. Show him that you truely care about his point of view and feelings. I am not married and have not had an experience like yours but I can say that me and my boyfriend of 5yrs argue a lot too. We could argue about the temperature outside sometimes. I say this because we couldn’t set our own feeling aside for just a moment to understand the other while angry. I hope this helps you but I know whatever you decide will be in your best interests! ❤
I am very sorry you lost your daughter. We lost my little brother many years ago and my parents almost split up - not uncommon after the death of a child - I don't know if thats different with adult children or not, but I imagine not so much b/c you don't stop being a parent. It's a pain no parent should have to endure, but sadly you have. Often times guilt/blame is at the core in these situations and unsubstantiated guilt I might add. I really think you both have to forgive yourselves and then each other. Best!
Very sorry for the loss of your beloved child. Therapist can not take away the deep grief you and your husband are going through over this horrible loss. A child is a great gift from God to a man and woman who love each other. Love each other, help each other, both of you have broken hearts. Be kind to each other. God looks at the heart of people, and He understands broken hearts…
Can you please explain, What is the cause of us blaming ourselves for someone else's negative emotions? I would really love to hear your breakdown of that
"What is the cause of us blaming ourselves for someone else's negative emotions?" 1) Complex Trauma - exposure to relentless criticism in early age when our psyche was forming and suppose to build up in psyche that does not have triggers and flashbacks or conditioning to fawn 2) Trauma bonding - with toxic shame internalized inside us we expel our self worth into other people and we develop Stockholm Syndrome where we see loud, negative, obnoxious, dangerous, violent etc as gods, superior to us, competent just because they scream and throw temper tantrums - as we were hypnotized to believe while in early years being exposed to narcissistic abuse 3) External referencing locus of control - with toxic shame, trauma we turn to other people as GPS, we seek their approval, we are scared of their criticism, opinion, punishment - since our self worth is exported into other people - so we feel what they feel and their approval admiration is important to us - and we have no idea what is self love self worth - other than being addicted to other people for guidance and approval. Shame and blame are excellent tool for toxic people to control easy targets: empaths, HSPs - anyone with high moral and ethical standards, anyone who went through psychological abuse while growing up - so now their targets will develop toxic empathy. Toxic empathy is when we do not want other people to experience pain and trauma we experienced so we shut up and protect all people from harm - and this means not reacting when other people become abusive. We simply do not want to hurt their feelings and we end up with people pleasing, fawning and being pushover - as we were conditioned while growing up. Skinner's box conditioning means growing up in similar classroom as in Blue Eye Brown Eye experiment - where brown eye kids were tormented and being told they are shameful just for having brown eyes, and then they failed their tests and become highly neurotic, worried and obsessed to gain approval from authority. CBT does not explain this at all. CBT instructs us to develop more toxic shame, self blame and self pathology, since CBT simply states that our thoughts are sick, distorted and that we are hallucinating abuse. This way, CBT joins into hysteria and narcissistic abuse. CBT ought to be banned. Humanistic psychology is correct therapy. CBT is created by narcissists and it spreads ableism.
"It’s difficult to handle the reactions of people when you say no" Yep! That is where CBT does not have any instructions nor answer. This is weak link for CBT. Also - Maslow needs - if we are poor, if we do not have safety, home, security, if we have no money to support our big mouth confidence - we won't be able to be firm- instead toxic people will exploit us since we will depend on toxic people to provide us with shelter, food, home, security, money - and then we are back at square one: having no boundaries. CBT is false therapy and gives answers only to the wealthy and those who can have money from family to support their life. Everyone else will not get correct instructions how to handle life and problems in life. That is why Humanistic therapies and Liberation psychology help us.
Porous emotional boundries, I have learned elsewhere, can be a result of trauma and a survival mechanism in childhood. Having healthy emotional boundries in adulthood is NOT easy, if a person reaches adulthood with porous emotional boundries. One thing is what we say and how we behave (most boundries are behavioral), but getting to the point where the emotions of others, emotional manipulation does not affect us emotionally is much more difficult. I think that this therapist does not get it or how or how to fix this part of emotional boundries. She talks about behavior and actions, but porous emotional boundries affect us on a stress level. For me, it causes me to have difficulty falling asleep.... I set healthy boundries with my behavior but then later I cannot fall asleep and ruminate. A lot of it, I believe, is linked to emotional manipulation and shaming, cause the emotional manipulaters refuse healthy boundries and do much to get the codependent to do their bidding. These narcissistic people and their flying monkeys and enablers refuse healthy boundries, demand that empathy requires actions of helping and taking on others emotions and then they shame and emotionally manipulate. I have been on a healing path for about 8 years now, learned a lot, mindfulness helps too. Just this Christmas 2 men from my family of origin blasted me with emotional manipulation and attempts to shame me.... for not taking on their responsiblities, I held my boundries when it comes to actions and behavior, but I had difficulty falling asleep for about 2 weeks.... I dont think that normal healthy people get this. It is hard for those of us, who reached adulthood with porous emotional boundries. And its even harder because its family and you pity them. I have found no therapy that heals emotional boudries on an emotional level. Therapists just talk about the behavioral aspects of boundries. One therapist Ive been to, said that emotional neglect may play a role, that my anger response may be so prolonged and strong because of being raised in emotional neglect.
How do you know if you are creating a healthy boundary or just being selfish? Sometimes it's hard to know if I am creating a healthy boundary with what I can handle or if I'm just being selfish.
So, let’s say that there are different duties around the house and one person is refusing to wash the dishes (which is their responsibility) - resent will come up because they are not doing anything and leaving all the work to other folks living in the same house. How does this work in terms of healthy boundaries? I feel like it is kind of abusive, especially if they are not working or providing the same or similar support as the other roommates. Would this need to be negotiated (provide or move out)?
what about parents owning their emotions? i never wanted to be enmeshed with my parents but i had no choice because they needed the attachment more than me. their narcissism covers it up so it made me as the autistic child seem needy. i never got to have boundaries as a child no matter how much i put them up (and as you know, autistic children are aware of their boundaries and need them to function). i still dont get to have those boundaries as my parents need the unhealthy attachment to deal with their emotions better. i recommend you watch an episode of an anthology series called 'i am ruth' and if you cannot see the narcissism in the mother, then thats a BIG problem that needs to be addressed in how YOU think. we're tired of mental health abuse. the way you guys promote unhealthy behaviours and call it mental health healing (through how you research people alone, e.g. milgrams electric shock experiment) is sickening and disgraceful. it shows you as a collective probably have deeper mental health issues than the average person looking for mental health help
You are basically describing Complex PTSD (which is not the same as PTSD). CBT bans information about trauma since Pharma Mafia is making huge money profit by self pathologizing anxiety and reactions to abuse. WHO's ICD.11 recognized Complex Trauma as concept.
@@ranc1977 Do you know the first two criteria for a Complex PTSD diagnosis? They are the same as PTSD but are not single events. I wonder if the wider issues aren't a lot of pseudo "therapist" on youtube spouting nonsense, and then people pathologize themselves based on often highly inaccurate information? information?
@@vickils9571 Education is the key. If we hate ourselves, if we have toxic shame due to abuse, exposure to untreated mentally ill person, we will find availability heuristic confirming our deep seated beliefs. Confirmation bias will make us trapped into tunnel vision and we will reflect in the world what we deeply believe about ourselves inside us. That is why CBT is false therapy - it is focused on pain, hurt, fear, panic as if our negative emotions are our gods which we must obey and build walls and serve them. On the other hand knowledge about Complex Trauma shakes us up, shakes our beliefs and forces us to enforce Descartes doubting - that we start to doubt our own conclusions in order to start to think - and to doubt information coming from other people - so that we are open to new ideas, new solutions, new perspectives which we otherwise would not see - since we would be focused on negativity, as CBT instructs us. The more we know will not hurt us. The point is that we are exposed to all information, not mere half baked information as CBT is inside.
Why is there a random dude to introduce the clinical psychologist like a newscast reporter? He's not contributing anything of value to an educational video. You don't need someone to constantly interrupt to confirm that the expert is right, it's distracting. I can't tell if it's awkward, misogynistic, or both.
"He's not contributing anything of value to an educational video." He is important. "Clinical psychologist" is providing wrong instructions from CBT point of view filled with egocentrism and ableism - where "reporter" is corrective tool - he warns the CBT mindset that life is not rigid as CBT attempts to portray it and people's life problems are not case book examples - instead life is complex and it cannot be verbalized with limited CBT vocabulary.
I thought codependency was used primarily in the substance abuse literature. “In sociology, codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior[1]” en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency wiki lol, great source 😅
"I thought codependency was used primarily in the substance abuse literature." CBT's limited psychological vocabulary cannot describe complex life environment and factors. That is why anti-psychiatry was invented in 1960s. CBT bans information about Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) while WHO's ICD-11 recognize trauma as concept. CBT is autistic therapy closed in egocentrism and confirmation bias filled with availability heuristics an as such is creating incredible psychological damage to anyone who follows it. So any attempt to broaden its vocabulary - by introducing apocrypha such as "codependency" concept is welcomed.
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Perfect. Stay outside of the reach of my 5 lbs Shop Hammer and your going to be fine. That's my healthy boundary
Dear Kyle Kittlesson, I love this content, thank you. I am watching it the second time because I was brought up with a midly narcisstic parent and my other parent was just neglecting me so I have certainly developed unhealthy emotional boundaries. I have learnt a lot by now but it is good to have such a clear cut program on it I am really educated.
Schema therapy mixed with DBT and CBT has helped me really work through my emotional boundary issues. Thankfully I've been with my partner for 14yrs and have great boundaries, independence and feel secure. But when it comes to me and my friendships I tend to use up all my energy for everyone and everything. Schema therapy helped me to start saying no to people, work through my "wounded child" and re-parent myself. The only thing I'm still working on is the guilt you feel when setting boundaries etc. Slowly getting better at not feeling guilty but really starting to understand I need to fill my cup otherwise I'm constantly burnt out etc. After setting boundaries I noticed those that abused my generosity and people pleasing really start to become quite toxic and angry etc. One thing I have really started to do is also not having to explain myself when I say no. Usually I would go into this apologetic and drawn out reasons as to why, but now I just say no (unless with circumstances that need reason). It's amazing when you have friends that are enmeshed and you start setting boundaries and not trying to justify yourself how you start seeing how others insecurity plays on to your people pleasing and generosity. I've done schema therapy for a year now and honestly, I am such a different person to when I was before therapy.
I don't apologies unless I know I've done something wrong and am in the wrong, I don't let others walk all over me, I have more confidence in myself and have stopped self sabotaging, and have worked through most of my schemas that were limiting my sense of self and beliefs.
I hope if anyone who doesn't know where to begin and wants to work on themselves and needs a starting point, look into schema therapy 😊 (also I'm a counsellor, and currently finishing my psychology degree, which working on my schemas has been a godsend in helping me accomplish things and change my mindset to being able to do study etc (as I have ADHD so had a lot of limiting self doubt etc)).
that's great to hear, thank you for your comment :)
do you have any resources on schema therapy to recommend?
CBT did not help me at all with social anxiety. In fact it made things worse - I ended up with people pleasing, fawning and being pushover. This happened since I would be in toxic ambient without knowing it is toxic - and I would feel toxicity and as I am about to label it as toxic - I enforced the messages from CBT: 1) that toxic people do not exist 2) that my discomfort is hallucination 3) that if I am abused that I can change my thinking through ABC model and I ended up with total self blame and self pathologizing myself 4) people would walk all over me - since I would lobotomize my natural discomfort emotions as reaction to someone being rude.
CBT is so wrong on so many levels, Humanistic therapies are the correct therapy.
CBT is using limited psychiatry vocabulary to describe complex human condition and this sets CBT up to over-generalizing and black and white cognitive distortions. We live in fuzzy logic and dualism - and CBT enforces only one mindset, CBT is like North Korea.
This is great! I think it might have helped to also address why not having healthy boundaries is not a good thing for the self and the other. For example, some seem to emphasize empathy so much that they cannot provide what the other person needs. A person drowning in self-pity does not need overwhelming empathy that is not free to recognize what the other person needs is hope. A person caught up in hatred does not need someone to encourage revenge and hostility. They may need help getting more free of their emotions so they can consider moderating facts or the realistic consequences of letting their hostility have full control. Empathy is a powerful connector, but can also encourage emotions that are not helpful to the other.
Further, not having healthy boundaries makes a person a reactive slave to whatever emotions others have. It makes them controllable by predators and manipulators who want to exploit them. It makes them a slave to their own feelings at times when a less emotional and more logical frame of mind might be more productive and helpful.
I know you did not have time to explore all this and more, but I wanted to add my initial 2 cents of thought to it. Thanks for bringing this up!😊
Keep up Strong Bounderies,..especially dealing with toxic relationships
I would add that Jung said What we resist, persist.
CBT is giving false solution which does not work in real life - and in fact paradoxically and ironically lead to more boundary crossings.
I talked about this on other comments here - but in short:
we need to build up our self worth - and our boundaries will come naturally - without us spending time or OCD worry in maintaining boundaries as CBT instructs us. Self worth and self validation are the key -
I understood myself and others better when I learned about codependency, emotions and, boundaries on a whole new level from Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love & Freedom Hidden In Painful Feelings
Here is a quote that stayed with me:
"Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you.
The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation."
This is such a deep subject and has so many nuances.
I loved how she explained everything about emotions in such a practical way.
Thank you!
"If the clerk at the store is giving me a lot of attitude, shortness and is being rude, I don't necessarily have to get lit up over that. That would be me having an appropriate emotional boundary."
This is what I personally have problem with and it is what I label as social anxiety.
In all cases when someone like that was rude - I would indeed have emotional boundary - I would not get up lit up over someone being rude at all. I would shut up, self censor, I would not make a scene.
And this ended up me being taken advantage of, people would say incorrect things about me, accuse me of things I didn't do - and I would not rock the boat, I would shut up. And I ended up being pushed around, I would fawn, and ended up being people pleaser.
"Don't assume other people's emotions."
I wouldn't - and I ended up shutting up when they were rude or even violent. Let them do whatever they want. This does not work in real life.
With learning psychology I discovered that anger is okay emotions, too. That suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
As I would not do anything if someone was rude- I would feel toxic shame, self blame inside and embarrassment that I am the cause of problems. Other person would blame me for any issue - and my silence would approve it - and I ended up dancing around as others ordered me. This CBT instruction to not react to toxic people leads to being passive.
Like in drama movie "Incident" with Martin Sheen from 1967 - with passengers trapped in train where hooligans molest them without any passenger reacting to their abuse.
We need to assume what is happening - otherwise other people will fill in missing information for us. They will provide their version of reality, and hence we are getting manipulated and controlled. As Dyer said - we are doomed to make choices, that is life's paradox. This means - we are doomed to make mistakes and to have bias and prejudices - we are not god nor computer to bring super healthy decisions 24/7 - sometimes we will mess up since we don't have all information and we don't have time to process all information -
and when we don't process information trauma will occur. So CBT advice not to assume leads to trauma and being stuck - as I was with people pleasing, fawning and being pushover - where other person (rude, abnormal, screaming drama queens) would define conclusions for me and I would go along with whatever abuser state is happening - I would subscribe to their version of reality - while I would be calm, nice, good and without reaction drama as CBT instructs us.
That is why CBT is horrible therapy, it is filled with errors.
CBT is trying to tell us that we are regulated and that we do not jump to triggers - that we heal our trauma - but CBT does not recognize CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD) and hence CBT has no tools , explanations to describe what healing trauma means.
So CBT is simply giving us instruction to smile when we are depressed. That we are calm when someone is abusive and irrational. In real life this leads to being passive - and that is CBT's goal. CBT is invented for criminally insane - it is not therapy for neurotics, anxious individuals who are voluntarily seeking answers to fears. CBT is directed to serial killers, insane aggressive scum, criminals - so that they calm down.
Example of CBT over-generalizing and black and white polarizing:
In social anxiety CBT instructs that we expose all the time to everything and CBT equates trauma with personality - CBT says that we need to be strong as if being strong is persona, character. Or to be confident - as if we are not allowed to be scared if we are in danger.
2:26 "You ruminate what you did"
That is trauma - which means something is not resolved, it is not processed. Some event, some remark, someone's comment, someone's action - we don't know how to manage it - due to Complex trauma: exposure to relentless criticism and narcissistic abuse while growing up - we never learned what to feel other than fawn, people please and avoid punishment by being passive and obedient and trying to fix emotions of someone who appears to be in some kind of authority (we need service or help from this person). Trauma is spiraling in emotions because of someone emotions.
4:42 "You have to separate emotions"
This does not work in job ambient where we cannot separate from demanding coworker or boss. Then if we do not live in healthy and wealthy Western country - where we can find another job - in toxic country like Balkans - we are trapped in toxic ambient where we must obey to tyranny in order to survive. Here CBT advice to separate does not work, we need better solution - which is Liberation psychology. This is example how CBT is built up for wealthy people - it is not for mass to consume.
CBT is created by Republicans and narcissists - parasites who are wealthy and have money and that is perspective of anything that CBT explains reality. CBT creates incredible psychological damage to real people with real jobs and real problems.
Liberation psychology tells us to express ourselves - as a way to separate while being glued into toxic ambient, without drama, just pure facts - so that we do not get fired based on our reactive abuse - such as screaming back to abusers and toxic people.
CBT does not explain self expression at all - CBT is focusing on us being servant and depended on toxic people by creating Trump walls to what we perceive as threat. Without noticing it - we make our primary focus into toxic people - we spend our energy and focus - by CBT advice.
Humanistic psychology is being focused on our own goals - which would mean planning to leave toxic ambient in the future when we are ready. Primary goal is our dreams, wants, needs with mutual respect and interdependence, using common sense and instinct to guide us - not our walls nor building our walls.
When we build self worth - we will naturally build walls - we won't be obsessed with walls or toxic people - they will be in the background - and our well being would be in primary focus.
With CBT is other way around - we make toxic people our OCD concern, in prime focus while our needs are somewhere in the background, forgotten and suppressed.
This is because CBT is corporate tool created by sick narcissistic mentally ill people like Trump.
I'd like to know more about where the line is for what we should be able to expect from a partner, in regards to how much of their life they share with us, and how much of our life we should expect them to participate and be interested in. I understand that "how much" is healthy to share will be an individual preference based on attachment style and personal history, but what actually is within the spectrum of "healthy sharing?" I need more green flags!!
When I was in college, my boyfriend (cruelly, intentionally) asked me how my Dad was. I asked why, and it turned out that my Dad had been undergoing cancer treatments for months, and I didn't even know he had been diagnosed. My mom chatted with my BF's mom about it, and his mom then asked him if I was depressed or anything about my dad's diagnosis; that's how that jerk found out before I did.
My therapist at the time asked me why I felt entitled to the information, why I expected my family to share information like my Dad's cancer diagnosis with me. I remember staring at her with my mouth open. I didn't know how to explain to her that I loved my father and wanted to be there for him, not only during the good times, but also when things got difficult. I didn't know how to tell her that I thought when things got tough, we were supposed to be able to count on loved ones for support. I understood privacy, especially with medical things, but when my boyfriend finds out before I do, that isn't the concern. Just knowing the truth about my Dad's wellbeing was important to me, and everyone around me made me feel like an asshole for wanting to be included in his authentic life, for wanting to be allowed to express love to him in a way that was actually meaningful.
So my family of origin has issues with this, knowing which pieces of our life we can share and what not to share. I never know what is normal and what isn't, when a partner is too distant or too close.
oh wow!! so much value in just the first minute. not taking responsibility for others' emotional states. light bulb just went on!! wowwww.
Thanks for this insightful content. I took note of a lot of stuff.
Thank You Please keep it coming. Post hast. Honestly Thank you. Professionals
Modesty confers professionalism. Speaking of the "girls" and boundaries, discretion never goes out of style.
The interviewer got better at waiting before cutting in to say something. Good job.
If I could a divise victims of narcissistic abuse I’d say spend you lifetime to forgive yourself for accepting the abuse or not knowing what was happening. I’m struggling in such process of self esteem and self forgiveness. I aways have been able to forgive people and now the one who needs the most, guess who’s.
Not everything is narcissistic abuse. Many people have problems with boundaries but if you have a pattern of attracting narcissist into your life you especially have to have firm boundaries.
@@vickils9571 I don’t agree with you! I know what I’ve been through. Nobody has the power to gaslighting me or denying my perceptions. Sorry. I’m not blaming myself for such magical thoughts of attraction law or else.
I never suggested that you didn't know what you have been through, I was speaking broadly, but I do wonder about your defensiveness. What I talking about is a deep psychological concept called repetition compulsion, or repetition enactment, it has nothing to do with the law of attraction.
@@vickils9571 do you need the upper hand? You got it. Please leave me alone. I agree to disagree. You’re entitled to come with your need tho have the upper hand. Take it a be happy! I have my rights. It’s interesting that you target my post just because it bothers you. Sorry again, I have no time available to wrestle.
Yes Inter-Interdependent.
Could you guys please do an episode on fearful avoidant atachment vs BPD?
I love you two! ❤️❤️💞💞amazing people
Many people erroneously believe that the lack of emotional boundaries is the same thing as empathy or that rationalizing other people's bad behavior is empathy.
Very true. We don’t have to pacify others all the time to be an empath.
Empathy for yourself first, is not a lack of empathy. I would not want to tolerate bad behavior that’s not empathy, that’s enabling.
@@Kerrviii could you kindly explain to me what an empath is? The reason I am asking is many of the people I was referring to identify themselves ad empaths.
This concept is called Toxic Empathy.
Wow....much to think about and learn here.
My husband and I lost our 25 year old Daughter On March 31, 2022. Ever since this happened we are sleeping in separate rooms. We argue about Everything. I don’t know how to live without my Daughter and obviously He doesn’t either. Counseling is not working, we fight about everything said in therapy. I don’t know how we can get through this? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Have you heard of Somatic Experiencing? Also NARM, & Accelerated Resolution Therapy and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) All of things are excellent
Wow Tambi. I am no expert but sometimes you have to be the one to stop arguing no matter how upsetting or frustrating it may be. Try to fully understand his point of view without bias or judgement or a preset idea. Show him that you truely care about his point of view and feelings. I am not married and have not had an experience like yours but I can say that me and my boyfriend of 5yrs argue a lot too. We could argue about the temperature outside sometimes. I say this because we couldn’t set our own feeling aside for just a moment to understand the other while angry. I hope this helps you but I know whatever you decide will be in your best interests! ❤
I am very sorry you lost your daughter. We lost my little brother many years ago and my parents almost split up - not uncommon after the death of a child - I don't know if thats different with adult children or not, but I imagine not so much b/c you don't stop being a parent. It's a pain no parent should have to endure, but sadly you have. Often times guilt/blame is at the core in these situations and unsubstantiated guilt I might add. I really think you both have to forgive yourselves and then each other. Best!
Very sorry for the loss of your beloved child. Therapist can not take away the deep grief you and your husband are going through over this horrible loss.
A child is a great gift from God to a man and woman who love each other. Love each other, help each other, both of you have broken hearts. Be kind to each other. God looks at the heart of people, and He understands broken hearts…
Sending love
Great vid - thank you 👍👍
Thanks so much for such a practical wisdom 🙏
Can you please explain, What is the cause of us blaming ourselves for someone else's negative emotions? I would really love to hear your breakdown of that
"What is the cause of us blaming ourselves for someone else's negative emotions?"
1) Complex Trauma - exposure to relentless criticism in early age when our psyche was forming and suppose to build up in psyche that does not have triggers and flashbacks or conditioning to fawn
2) Trauma bonding - with toxic shame internalized inside us we expel our self worth into other people and we develop Stockholm Syndrome where we see loud, negative, obnoxious, dangerous, violent etc as gods, superior to us, competent just because they scream and throw temper tantrums - as we were hypnotized to believe while in early years being exposed to narcissistic abuse
3) External referencing locus of control - with toxic shame, trauma we turn to other people as GPS, we seek their approval, we are scared of their criticism, opinion, punishment - since our self worth is exported into other people - so we feel what they feel and their approval admiration is important to us - and we have no idea what is self love self worth - other than being addicted to other people for guidance and approval.
Shame and blame are excellent tool for toxic people to control easy targets: empaths, HSPs - anyone with high moral and ethical standards, anyone who went through psychological abuse while growing up - so now their targets will develop toxic empathy.
Toxic empathy is when we do not want other people to experience pain and trauma we experienced so we shut up and protect all people from harm - and this means not reacting when other people become abusive. We simply do not want to hurt their feelings and we end up with people pleasing, fawning and being pushover - as we were conditioned while growing up.
Skinner's box conditioning means growing up in similar classroom as in Blue Eye Brown Eye experiment - where brown eye kids were tormented and being told they are shameful just for having brown eyes, and then they failed their tests and become highly neurotic, worried and obsessed to gain approval from authority.
CBT does not explain this at all.
CBT instructs us to develop more toxic shame, self blame and self pathology, since CBT simply states that our thoughts are sick, distorted and that we are hallucinating abuse. This way, CBT joins into hysteria and narcissistic abuse. CBT ought to be banned.
Humanistic psychology is correct therapy. CBT is created by narcissists and it spreads ableism.
I love all the videos you put out there well 👍👍👍✅✅💞💞
A massive help! Thnx!
It’s difficult to handle the reactions of people when you say no
That is often because they are trying to manipulate you to get what they want.
"It’s difficult to handle the reactions of people when you say no"
Yep! That is where CBT does not have any instructions nor answer. This is weak link for CBT.
Also -
Maslow needs - if we are poor, if we do not have safety, home, security, if we have no money to support our big mouth confidence - we won't be able to be firm-
instead toxic people will exploit us since we will depend on toxic people to provide us with shelter, food, home, security, money - and then we are back at square one: having no boundaries.
CBT is false therapy and gives answers only to the wealthy and those who can have money from family to support their life. Everyone else will not get correct instructions how to handle life and problems in life.
That is why Humanistic therapies and Liberation psychology help us.
Porous emotional boundries, I have learned elsewhere, can be a result of trauma and a survival mechanism in childhood. Having healthy emotional boundries in adulthood is NOT easy, if a person reaches adulthood with porous emotional boundries. One thing is what we say and how we behave (most boundries are behavioral), but getting to the point where the emotions of others, emotional manipulation does not affect us emotionally is much more difficult. I think that this therapist does not get it or how or how to fix this part of emotional boundries. She talks about behavior and actions, but porous emotional boundries affect us on a stress level. For me, it causes me to have difficulty falling asleep.... I set healthy boundries with my behavior but then later I cannot fall asleep and ruminate. A lot of it, I believe, is linked to emotional manipulation and shaming, cause the emotional manipulaters refuse healthy boundries and do much to get the codependent to do their bidding. These narcissistic people and their flying monkeys and enablers refuse healthy boundries, demand that empathy requires actions of helping and taking on others emotions and then they shame and emotionally manipulate. I have been on a healing path for about 8 years now, learned a lot, mindfulness helps too. Just this Christmas 2 men from my family of origin blasted me with emotional manipulation and attempts to shame me.... for not taking on their responsiblities, I held my boundries when it comes to actions and behavior, but I had difficulty falling asleep for about 2 weeks.... I dont think that normal healthy people get this. It is hard for those of us, who reached adulthood with porous emotional boundries. And its even harder because its family and you pity them. I have found no therapy that heals emotional boudries on an emotional level. Therapists just talk about the behavioral aspects of boundries. One therapist Ive been to, said that emotional neglect may play a role, that my anger response may be so prolonged and strong because of being raised in emotional neglect.
I'm wondering how much everything said in this episode is more part of or common with a mental diagnosis/disorder than separate.
More examples of healthy boundaries would be great, specifically examples too, this info is very hard to find , thx
How do you know if you are creating a healthy boundary or just being selfish? Sometimes it's hard to know if I am creating a healthy boundary with what I can handle or if I'm just being selfish.
Books for this topic please?
So, let’s say that there are different duties around the house and one person is refusing to wash the dishes (which is their responsibility) - resent will come up because they are not doing anything and leaving all the work to other folks living in the same house. How does this work in terms of healthy boundaries? I feel like it is kind of abusive, especially if they are not working or providing the same or similar support as the other roommates. Would this need to be negotiated (provide or move out)?
what about parents owning their emotions? i never wanted to be enmeshed with my parents but i had no choice because they needed the attachment more than me. their narcissism covers it up so it made me as the autistic child seem needy. i never got to have boundaries as a child no matter how much i put them up (and as you know, autistic children are aware of their boundaries and need them to function). i still dont get to have those boundaries as my parents need the unhealthy attachment to deal with their emotions better. i recommend you watch an episode of an anthology series called 'i am ruth' and if you cannot see the narcissism in the mother, then thats a BIG problem that needs to be addressed in how YOU think. we're tired of mental health abuse. the way you guys promote unhealthy behaviours and call it mental health healing (through how you research people alone, e.g. milgrams electric shock experiment) is sickening and disgraceful. it shows you as a collective probably have deeper mental health issues than the average person looking for mental health help
I am confused?
You are basically describing Complex PTSD (which is not the same as PTSD).
CBT bans information about trauma since Pharma Mafia is making huge money profit by self pathologizing anxiety and reactions to abuse. WHO's ICD.11 recognized Complex Trauma as concept.
@@ranc1977 Do you know the first two criteria for a Complex PTSD diagnosis? They are the same as PTSD but are not single events. I wonder if the wider issues aren't a lot of pseudo "therapist" on youtube spouting nonsense, and then people pathologize themselves based on often highly inaccurate information? information?
@@vickils9571 Education is the key.
If we hate ourselves, if we have toxic shame due to abuse, exposure to untreated mentally ill person, we will find availability heuristic confirming our deep seated beliefs. Confirmation bias will make us trapped into tunnel vision and we will reflect in the world what we deeply believe about ourselves inside us.
That is why CBT is false therapy - it is focused on pain, hurt, fear, panic as if our negative emotions are our gods which we must obey and build walls and serve them.
On the other hand knowledge about Complex Trauma shakes us up, shakes our beliefs and forces us to enforce Descartes doubting - that we start to doubt our own conclusions in order to start to think - and to doubt information coming from other people - so that we are open to new ideas, new solutions, new perspectives which we otherwise would not see - since we would be focused on negativity, as CBT instructs us.
The more we know will not hurt us.
The point is that we are exposed to all information, not mere half baked information as CBT is inside.
Your stock footage B-roll cutaways shots are silly. But other than that, this video hit hard. I feel yucky. Thank you for saying this.
First comment, first viewer
👍❤️
First like also
Your welcome
Why is enmeshment unhealthy? For me it sounds like the perfect relationship 🤔
Congrats to me
Whats her ID
Why is there a random dude to introduce the clinical psychologist like a newscast reporter? He's not contributing anything of value to an educational video. You don't need someone to constantly interrupt to confirm that the expert is right, it's distracting. I can't tell if it's awkward, misogynistic, or both.
He gives great perspective! He's a host
"He's not contributing anything of value to an educational video."
He is important. "Clinical psychologist" is providing wrong instructions from CBT point of view filled with egocentrism and ableism - where "reporter" is corrective tool - he warns the CBT mindset that life is not rigid as CBT attempts to portray it and people's life problems are not case book examples - instead life is complex and it cannot be verbalized with limited CBT vocabulary.
You got codependency all mixed up actually. I was with you up until you screwed that up
I thought codependency was used primarily in the substance abuse literature.
“In sociology, codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior[1]”
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
wiki lol, great source 😅
"I thought codependency was used primarily in the substance abuse literature."
CBT's limited psychological vocabulary cannot describe complex life environment and factors.
That is why anti-psychiatry was invented in 1960s.
CBT bans information about Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) while WHO's ICD-11 recognize trauma as concept.
CBT is autistic therapy closed in egocentrism and confirmation bias filled with availability heuristics an as such is creating incredible psychological damage to anyone who follows it.
So any attempt to broaden its vocabulary - by introducing apocrypha such as "codependency" concept is welcomed.