i live with a narc husband, can't leave yet so i had to take some measures at home to keep my mental health, first i see as much videos as i can about narcissism as the more you know the better prepared you are to deal with them, i moved to a separate bedroom, stopped cooking and doing laundry for him, i don't go out with him for walks or restaurants (he always creates a bad environment and always divides the expenses 50/50), i go out with our daughter, family and friends instead, i don't show him any emotions, i don't look him in the eyes, i don't start conversations with him and if he does i give short answers. This has made a big difference on my well being, he used to make me feel guilty of everything, tried to separate me from my family so he could control me but i didn't allow it and now i'm not afraid anymore. When i leave i will not look back.
Good for you. Me and my narc are getting a divorce and have been separated for 3 months now. It’s so much better with them not being around and I pray that you get free of him soon. Keeping you in my prayers!
@madelena i wish you all the best. Sounds like you've got a plan! I am in (40 years) and am doing the same now that I have groups like these to make sense out of the chaos that was all-consuming. Having that first light bulb moment, for me, was key!
IMO - Sometimes victims don't realize there is a problem: because they can't identify the problem, they remain confused. I have stated several times before - this dysfunctional mental behavior needs to be taught in the schools, so that children realize it is dangerous and destructive. Too many individuals are forced to suffer, because the victim thinks he/she is the issue.
The narcissist (s) to Team Healthy: "The reason that you are different from me is because you are stupid and you don't see life the way I do." Team Healthy: "Okay, as you wish."
You’re very kind Dr C. After years of taking so much BS both physically and emotionally I found it extremely difficult to be kind any longer. I had to leave behind lifelong relationships in order to get healthy again. On my way.
A friend said to me once, "you can't change other people . . . you can only change how you respond to them." (Thank you, Bill!) That taught me that I could feel a great deal of compassion for my narcissistic father for the reasons he got that way . . . but I'd still have to keep a barrier in place. Ditto my very damaged mother, and possibly-narcissistic sister. All got that way for Reasons . . . but just because I figured out a great deal, does not mean they've changed or would treat me any differently than they had.
life is too short to spend with these energy vampires ! - Save your soul and happiness and get out of it. One blessing that does come with post Narcissistic abuse is appreciating the simple things in life: peaceful sleep, owning your own thoughts, functioning in your own time scale, eating and drinking what you like and above all valuing yourself like you never did before . 🙏
The narc in my life is covert. I don't think I could ever convince ANYONE ,that there's a different personality behind the curtain. Also, I have already been branded the negative one by a few people in my life. Maybe someday I will be able to tell my full story to someone.
Not happy after the break up? 1. You are mourning the death of your fictional hopes and dreams and the illusion that you could have somehow saved your relationship. 2. Your entire being suffered a necessary, lifee saving amputation of necrotic tissue. You are in shock. You need rehab to learn how to function and then thrive in your new life. Give yourself time and grace to heal
Amen to the person asking about becoming a violent person. That is exactly how I am. I can’t stand to hurt anyone, but I’m sick of taking treatment that I don’t give to others.
This might seem like a strange suggestion, but try shrooms. I'm being serious. It healed me in a way that years of therapy never was able to accomplish. I'm no longer phased by certain types of people. It's hard to describe it but it changes your way of thinking, it makes you better in many ways
I appreciate your discussion of anxiety. The only leftover piece for me is how to deal with the flashbacks of ugly behavior toward me. It’s the image of ugly aggression and hatred directed at me that I have trouble erasing from my mind.
Patricia Fry, my memories are the sick & cruel things he did to my precious grandsons their entire life, he ruined their life, so I do know how you feel, plus my heart hurts for these 3 boys, he literally tortured them physically and emotionally, terrorized them, constantly
I can get terribly anxious and tend to react. Thank you for explaining that. That is one of the things that made me wonder if I was the narcissist, because I would react but he would “seemingly” remain cool as a cucumber.
IMO - My narcissistic brother was raised by a narcissistic parent. He is now slowly dying of a chronic condition, My heart is filled with compassion; however he has not changed his attitude towards me at all. Some examples of his dysfunctional behavior over time are: 1). the inability to express love or 2). no desire to visit 3). making slanderous comments 4). only establishing contact when financial support is the goal (I never provide it). I pray for my sibling daily, but I must protect myself, so I have ceased communications with him, because it is too painful.
The sad part is their inability to understand or accept or even spend an iota of energy pondering why people cut ties or went into hibernation or decided to investigate the rings of Saturn. Their loss not yours. You tried. Many blessings of a nurturing nature.
@@lorinapetranova2607 Thank you. IMO - I don't think my sibling even notices how others perceive his behavior. He is wrapped up in himself, and who can best serve him.
So the point isn’t if this guy is a narcissist. Does this sound like healthy love. Would someone who truly loved you trash your things and tear you down? Sounds she’s living with a mean broken person. You have to ask yourself what type of person do you want around you. If you’re around a miserable hateful person then that’s going to be the weather around you. Love yourself to have people to treat you with love and respect.
Oh....handling anger was easy! It required a hammer and a lb. of Roofing nails. I had two large poles behind the barn for a hammock. So when the Narcissist angered me, I would ho out and hammer nails until my anger disappitated. Alanin tauht me to put my anger into a positive feame. Cleaning worked slso and being productive. Thank God for the principles I learned in the program. This To Shall Pass was my favorite phrase. Thanks Dr. C.
siblings enable narcissistic parents by claiming to have completely different versions of events, that’s sibling gaslighting, they’re also more likely to err on the side of sibling rivalry than support, so you’re better off without them
You is the best new school, go team healthy, goodness for life, a helpful hearts here, feed crazy linda to the dogs, im sorry im not bent, i visited people traits, im the boss, see im like being a so called, get on board, dont get lost, them fools are here to stay, now im responsible for being to me 0 my
Q. Dr. C Being married to a Covert narcissist for 21 years and not being able to express my needs or wants, not getting to be vaunerable and open about my feelings, because we know why.... Has made it incredibly hard to want to be intimate in snuggling, touching or well sex in general. For me emotional connection is a big deal to feel moved for real physical connection. I can't speak for all women but it's really messing with my mind. I know this is a bit of a personal subject but I would love to get your thoughts about this.
Still seeing defense mechanisms show up, even after all these years apart. It takes close friends who care enough to point them out to even see them. Newest one pointed out to me was the lingering "fill in" words to keep talking while I think. I was often interrupted and conversation redirected if I paused in a thought. I'm learning to pause again.
The effects of dealing with a narc family member,mate,friend,etc are something else.It's a lot like a ball of 🧶...It can take a long while to unwind it all but eventually you'll get the ball completely unwound👍🏻.
I don’t understand can you help me understand what you wrote so are you trying to dominate the conversation and people are just getting tired of it so they’re interrupting you and redirecting the conversation or are they being rude and taking the conversation away from you I don’t understand
My husband died a year ago and it's taken me this long to realize that I was never allowed to complete a thought in his presence. He disagreed and interrupted me before I had a chance even to start expressing myself. I couldn't reach my own independent conclusions without him attacking me. Luckily I had my own business all along so I was separate from him in an important part of my life. Over the past year I've had to make a lot of challenging decisions in areas which he controlled and I am amazed my brain is still working so well.
@Me not you if you live with a narcissist, they disregard you in every way and try to make you feel crazy. So they can talk and talk, but if you try to talk, they talk over you or just start talking again if you pause in any way. Consequently, you don't have an opportunity to finish a single thought... for years! They only let you say half a sentence, then they take over again... talking endlessly. They do not care what you have to say.
Sometimes things do not get wrapped up with a bow. Understanding that helped me know that there would never be closure with the ex narcissist and I learned how to give that closure to myself by educating myself on narcissism. Thank you, Dr. C.
My Mantra today: I am too strong, wise, healthy, empathic, sensitive, intelligent, beautiful, deep, mindful, engaged, and so much more , for you ..... I like that. It helps.
“Every good thing comes from above” Dr. C, thank you for allowing God to make you one of them🙏❤ This message and the timing - straight from above. Blessings upon blessings upon blessings…. You have helped me so much in reaching my best life ever, which I might add I was thoroughly convinced would never happen for me. I even had an ordained minister once tell me; “well, maybe you aren’t supposed to ever be happy.” I was 19. I had gone to him for Help. Part of me said, “You are soooo screwed…”, but another part honestly wondered very much at how such a man, in such a position, could be in such a position and say such a thing to someone in my position????? I like your approach so much better❤
One of the main problems with dealing with narcissists and the entire family is the refusal to talk about things, even just to clear up misunderstandings. Our entire families on both sides are like this, they would rather just "let it all go" but they hold onto the anger when there isn't even a reason for the anger. I think narcissists and even entire narcissistic families fear deeply being shown they were wrong about something so they avoid all discussion. I try to avoid those who will not be a friend enough to work out difficulties or clear up misunderstandings. I have been the one since I was a child that wanted to figure out a problem and fix it. I am convinced those who are not guilty of something are those who are open, they have nothing to fear.
Dr. C, I appreciate when you tell us to look around us and see how our life has impacted others. As a way to remind us, "ok there's the evidence, I'm on the right track". You know us abused victims so well. You know we will always question ourselves with doubt, thinking we did something wrong, suppressing, constantly pleasing others, confusion. We really need that validation in our lives to help us stay on track mentally and healthfully.
I copied down your very concise advice and pattern of healthy thinking. Thank you for your contribution, and for all the other people's contributions sharing their painful experiences and ways of dealing with them. It helps to know we are not alone.
When I was getting to the end of my rope, long before finding out about narcissism and Dr. C, I was instinctively doing some of these ideas and suggestions. And it was really enraging him. I was driving on the highway, and he raged at me, that I acknowledged what he said, and still kept doing what I want! He let his rage build, and I still didn't collapse. He pulled back his fist, but did not strike, which would have been very dangerous at highway speeds. I looked at him, and thought that if he hit me, I would not drive home, I would drive to the police station. I did not say anything. But I was very clear about that. He backed off. He sulked for days, but it was one of my last straws. Sigh. This was difficult. Would have been easier with Dr. D's information.
Why is it so hard for me to accept this is all true about my husband even though I know deep in my gut it is!! On one hand I am so finally relieved to put an actual name to what has been happening for 20+years but on the other hand I don't want to believe it!!😫😫😫
I made a catastrophic error of judgement in talking to my children. They were a quite young. It was not prompted by self justification but to try and make them realise that they were not at fault (they were being ground down by judgemental behaviour and discarded). But they were too young and revealed too much of what I had said. I put it on the basis that mum didnt know how to show affection in the same way as I did.
Yes, everything you say is reported back to the narcissist who reinterprets it in the worst way and uses it against you. Parental alienation is lifelong sorrow. But we can still work on our own character and behaviour and live a worthwhile life.
Yes, I believe wholeheartedly in discussing with your children the issues of this diabolical mess.[also, owning and discussing your part as well].....pray your children are able to see and hear the truth minus the judgement thereof, and most importantly, that God brings them to the Truth of Life❤️ However, please be mindful of telling children they are just like these types of people.....it seems to deepen the grips of generational curses narcissists carry with them..... Words can be powerful either way they are used.... good, bad, or indifferent. **my opinion***
You're certainly not lying when you refer to this 💩 as a "Generational curse".I'm the cycle breaker on my narc father's side of the tree...& I know there were narcs all the way back to HIS own grandmother,mother,& himself.I'm generation #4 & it's taken THIS long for the "curse" to finally start to lift😳. I'm sure many more folks can relate.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. I pray we will all be living in Peace today and each day. This is a great Midweek session Dr. Carter. Thank you so very much. This has been very helpful to all of us. May God bless you and your family too.
For years my narcissistic brother would greet me like this, “now I don’t want to fight!” That was his hello. He was always very angry when he said it. I never started anything with him because of his bad rages that I was scared of. I don’t know how to answer him ?
Hello Dr. C! I have more than 45 years dealing with a narcissistic husband. I never picked up on the flags earlier on before our marriage. We were both young, I was 20 and he was 23. I always felt he was immature. I may be a slow learner, but I realize now that he depended on his family, in particular his father, to help him with responsibilities. I've also realized that he cannot handle the word "no" very well. I was brought up one way and he was brought up another way. The years have not matured him. Now he looks even worse in my eyes because there is this child inside an adult body. In the beginning of our marriage, he got so verbally abusive to me that my jaw dropped at the way he treated me. When he did it a second time, I flipped and slapped him, and put him in his place. For some years he didn't get that bad anymore even though he still was abusive in other ways with me and sometimes even with our children. I believe he was putting his entitlement to use. There are so many other things he's done but they would make this comment much longer. He has never steared away from any of this. Oh, he'll BS and gaslight until he's blue in the face. Another problem is that he had a stroke 4 years ago. He can still walk even though he has balance issues and some memory losses. However, the stroke has only made him worse. The verbal abuse has magnified and he still can't take "no" for an answer. I don't know what to do because I'm too old to leave and start over again and also because I'd feel guilty for leaving him after he's had a stroke and is considered "disabled". We have grown children and, I'm ashamed to say that even they see him for what he is. My parents see this as well. I'm so embarrassed. I suffer from auto-immune diseases, diabetes and other illnesses. I think he may be a reason for these illnesses other than old age. Am I locked in this marriage? Because it sure does feel like I am.
I am in over 50 years and i just read a report today that stated that narcissistic abuse can cause PTSD, auto-immune diseases, diabetes, and other illnesses. I began to first have panic attacks, then the auto-immune diseases came with chronic pain all of the time, very verbally abusive all of the time and to anyone that will listen to him talk very badly about me. Now there is diabetes, the chronic pain and COPD at 80 yrs. old. He thinks nothing of destroying anything he thinks I enjoy. So I can relate to how you might feel stuck in your relationship. It is only my Faith in the Lord God Almighty that has substained me. I just wish I had found this channel of Dr Carter's years ago. I have always had my own income, bought my own home, clothes and cars and supported him too. They are lazy evil people and only get worse the older they get.
I know how you feel. I am not about to give away what I have worked for and live in poverty or to do without in so many aspects. We all are aware that this is usually what happens to women that leave a long marriage. But it is so draining to be married to an immature man boy. Stomping of feet. Pouting. Declarations of “ I am going to get this just because I WANT IT!” Then I am told I can’t tell him what to do because I am not his Mother.
In my mind he is “the toddler husband” 😂 boy oh boy oh boy has Dr. C helped me. My faith and amazing people sharing their vast knowledge out of the goodness of who they are = BEST life ever! 🙏🙏🙏
Dr. Carter! Last night I happened to watch 2 Jacky Gleason shows on TH-cam which just popped up. Having enjoyed his shows back in the 1950's, I was eager to relive the experience, the fun, and the comedy. But what I saw, thanks to following your program for quite a while now, was how the wife, portrayed by Audrey Meadows, demonstrates the perfect behavior you recommend for dealing with a narcissistic husband. I watched the first show for fun, then watched the second show with no sound, just watching the body language of all the characters. It was amazing to see how many times, while Jacky Gleason was playing the role of the blustery narcissist, the other characters, especially the wife, just either stared blank-facedly at him or sat down at the table and stared into space while he ranted on and on Even Art Carney, playing the looney neighbor and best friend, mostly sat loosely relaxed (watch those long arms sprawled out), chewing gum, like the worst kid in the back row of high school class. Really a good lesson on keeping cool ...
That show really triggers my wife because her own dad was a carbon copy of Jackie Gleason. Needless to say, it's been a while since we've watched that...but you are so spot on with your comments.
Dr C…God Bless you for helping this past year as I have come to see behind the mask of my N spouse (33 yrs married) I am truly on my journey to healing, built on a foundation of FORGIVENESS and reclaiming my Dignity, Civility and Respect that you have opened my eyes to (I have your book Let’s talk about Me) and made me a member of Team Healthy…I am healthier because of you and am working through the process of divorce, grieving and lovingly moving forward
I find it hard to believe, "we can't change other people". We are proof, each one of us.. We were changed by the narcissistic abuse, and we were changed by the lessons of Dr. C. There are people, family members, in fact, that are both narcissists and the abused. Focusing on my own healing, feels like I'm running out on them. Abandoning them. This hurts.. I feel like if they knew what i know, they'd be changed, as I've been changed But I live in conflict with the truth of oft-repeated refrain that no, you can't change them. Exposing the narc will come to nothing 😢😢
Dr C, you probably are the reason so many women especially are leaving their narcissistic husband's they see their is a happier life away from him, thank you for all you do to help us all.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you again, you have helped me too because my husband & are victims of his too, he bullied both of us for 21 years, his brain must be severely damaged from the years of meth & alcohol, he was even a worse bully when drunk, I am strong that's another thing that drove him crazy I didn't back down from him, he wasn't used to someone stronger than him, all of his family are narcissists, he is just the devil himself. ,,😊, Just glad she is away from him, she can't be stressed out with having the deadliest heart attack on the planet, no heartbeat for almost 40 minutes
Wow.. so thankful for this... since I have been mostly by myself away from the narcissist I have started making new friends..my new friends have been through what I was going through myself..I have been sharing team healthy 😊💖..I thought I became isolated from others until I started learning these people are going through the same.. don't be afraid to make new friends...and by learning through Dr Carter 💖 I can discern the difference..I encourage them to watch Dr Carter.. now we have wonderful things to talk about ☺️🤗 thank you for this 💕💗 and they love team healthy 💓🤗
QUESTION: In the beginning, how do you know IF someone, who seems to be very caring and empathic, isn't a narcissist? After being with a covert for decades, I am not sure if I can recognize it in someone else. Is it just a matter of sitting back and waiting to see if the mask comes down? If so, how long can that take? Thanks, Dr. C. and Team Healthy. I have learned SO much from your sessions. Something I had never heard in all the years of couples and/or my personal therapy. It doesn't seem like therapists even know the term, in my experience!?
I'm no therapist or any type of doctor but when you see the first red flag put yourself in high alert. Take it slow and over time the red flags will continue to pop up. Hope this helps.
Listen to your gut, see how they treat wait staff, see how they talk about exes. I've heard masks falling ten years later. Just be careful, you must protect yourself!!
Have you said no to them for anything at all? There's a huge red flag, from my understanding.......how they react when told no. Also, how does your intuition present itself when in their presence? That's definitely key, my opinion.
This video is spot on of all the years I have watched. My ex-spouse was, and is, so passive-aggressive in her NPD that it boggled my mind for, wait for it, 23 LONG years. The pattern fell to ALL the points given. I found myself saying and conveying thoughts and conversation just exactly as stated, point-by-point. It just never works. What I found is when I started hitting to close to home with her, she just bailed out on the marriage and then went to all the people she could to purposefully hurt even more. Now my daughters are being manipulated just as explained. If I told of all the ploys she has done since being divorced, most here might be shocked. God bless you Dr. Carter. Keep the videos coming.
@@denicehaley9902 I am sorry you have gone through that. Male or female, narcissist's are toxic especially the passive-aggressive type. Your thoughts are appreciated. God bless you.
Unfortunately, I am not on Team Healthy right now. I am so angry, frustrated and sad right now, I don’t know what to do. I have tried so hard to remain emotionally detached from my very narcissistic “husband”, but he has triggered me to the point of thoughts and dreams of physical violence. I honestly believe that if I have an opening to act physically, I will seriously hurt this very inhuman being. I am in so much pain right now😞
The hardest part is his alternate reality. To have someone deny the existence of provable facts is very disorienting. He will scream at me for an hour, accusing me of F ing his friends (yeah right!) and then look me in the eye and deny he said it. I could record it and play it back to him, but then he would probably just break my phone. I'm planning my escape instead. You can't discuss anything with a narc because they are not dealing in reality.
3rd Question.. Narcissist Mom.. My mom controlled and manipulated everyone around her.. I know that she pushed my dad away and convinced everyone that he was bad.. I was pissed off that my dad didn't stand up for us siblings but I realize he did not have a chance.. He would be going against my mom and her 6 siblings and everyone that they are connected to.. Also my mom had this ski club going against my dad.. I can let my dad off the hook but I still have to deal with the effects of not only having no support but also having everyone that is connected to my mom against me..
4th Question.. People Pleasing.. I could say a lot about this but I am going to make it simple.. People pleasing infers that the people aren't already pleased.. I chose to be around people who are already pleased..
6th Question.. Feeling bad after leaving.. When I was in it I was in Fight or Flight and then when I got out I was able to feel the other feelings that I wasn't able to feel while I was in it..
I am so...happy that I do not have a connection with this person! He was a friend but he got arumentuve, lies and being sudsic! Even though he was our neighbor and friend. I am moving to Colorado to start a new chapter in my life. I am so blessed that I know what to look for if I decide to get involved with a man. I do not want to get involved with a friend lover being a narcissistic person. My brother is a Tri malignant narcissistic sociopath. And I had to take him to court and turn him into the Sheriff' for beating the crap out of me. He hurt me badly twice. You cannot reason with this person. My sister babies him and so does my my big brother. I will never have him around me again! He will kill someone one day but if he touches anyone again because he was docked by me and the Sheriff's Department. Thank you so much, Dr. Carter😮.❤
All rings true to me, especially the anxiety part. Lots of fear and pulling out of control like sticky glue. The anger was mainly redirected toward the authorities on the 'legal' side.
I ended on two anti depressants to keep control. I only let my daughter get away with things that I felt I needed to be there to protect my grandkids from her abuse. She has pretty much financially ruined me. After 12 years I kicked her out. My oldesgrandson 22, stayed with me, as soon as my granddaughter turned 18 she moved back with me, my youngest grandson has a year before he can move back. He always told me “I just ignore her” so I hope he is coping.
Why can't the Narc see they can be loved for their true self, quirks and all. 2nd, what can a spouse do if they think their spouse narcissism is fed by dreams, visions illusion. I still really them, but they've left me and our 3 adult children and young son - teen ager??
I’m glad I was able to catch the last part of your midweek live earlier this morning. Watching all to sponge up the learning I get from Dr. C. and Team Healthy. ❤️🙏❤️🙏
Psychoanalyzing Narcissists is disturbing to me, for it eliminates the demonic aspect. For "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Dr.C, I always look forward to watching you, because you reach right into the heart of the matter. Thank you for all you have done! And, wow! You’re a kid! Only 69? I used to say” the 70’s were my best years!” Now I say, MY 70s are my best years! Thanks to you and Team Healthy! I have a question and will post it soon.❤️🙏🏼
One of those electronic LIARS are calling the cops FALSELY claiming they are worrid about me and sending them to my property! They do not worry, they're liars
Just like normal healthy people flourish in peace... Narcissists thrive in drama,chaos,& a perpetual tension hanging in the air.It's kinda funny in a way because they actually wither in a peaceful way of life while everyone else thrives in peace.They're basically flipped from how normal people respond to peace & drama🤔😳.
The lady who is asking if her partner is a narcissist , the answer given is helpful. Anyone out there in the same, or similar situation please remember narcissist or not abusive behaviour is dangerous, you can not change someone. No if's, no but's get yourself out to safe place if needs be. You need to focus on your own worth then you will be much stronger and confident that you are enough. xx
There's a little bit if irony concerning a "N" and honesty. During a visit with a couple of people I saw my "N" having a "discussion" (more correctly stated an argument) on a subject they both had different translations about something that was written. After the visit and while I was alone with my "N" I told my "N" that I thought my "N"s translation was correct. When I said that I believed that my "N" would just be happy to have my support on the subject and that support would be enough and that any further discussion (argument) on the subject with the other person was no longer necessary. A few weeks later we visited with that couple again and the same subjact was brought up once again. (Guess who brought up that subject again.) During the "discussion" my "N" said, "se123 told me that *MY translation* is correct." That was an honest statement, but the result was that it drove a wedge between me and the other person who was blind sidedly roped into the same disussion a second time. My "N" was honest, yet that statement was a blatant and hurtful betrayal. Another irony about that situation is the "N" betrayed me plus the other person and more importantly the "N" betrayed themself to both me and the other party to the duscussion. Gaining a "point" toward winning the argument was more important than the feelings of anyone else hearing the "discussion."
Dr C!!! You hit it right ON. a JOURNALIST is writing honest, open, full disclosure, just the facts ma'am. A NOVELIST. Is writing, conjuring, manipulation of circumstance and dialog. A journalist has a desire and a novelists has a desire. Who? WHAT?@??!@?? WHERE WHEN. CHANGE THE "W" FOR A "T" WHAT=THAT. WHEN =THEN. WHERE=THERE. Some question beg to be ANSWERED. HOw would you prefer your future be served? I prefer journalism. Oh my lyin eyes. I won't plead the 5th for you if you continue to make me the villan in your shakesperian tragedy of your own misery. Ma nah. Ma nah. Do door be doo doo.
I have been in a marriage for 35 years with a covert/malignant narcissist. I tried everything to fix him and this.I thought I was crazy like he said.I have developed peripheral Neuropathy and ulcerative colitis due to the trauma of this relationship.I am in therapy,he isn't, of course.All the love I had and gave just brought me to hate.I don't know where to go or what to do.
Dr C. Watching many of your videos and reading the comments has helped me built a more balanced way to approached life. Recovering from all of this takes time an patience. Thank you and all those who are helping along.
Thank you again for your insight, Dr. C. I’ve been listening to your channel repeatedly, after having been called in to care for a narcissistic family member, who eventually passed away in my care. Would you please address how one can deal with the sense of loss of love and the grief that dogs a person, despite knowing that the narcissist was what he was--the love wasn’t perfect, but it was needed by both invalid and caregiver. I’ve felt anxiety and loss of meaning that others don’t seem to be experiencing! 45:4445:44
Thank you for answering my question last week, Dr. Carter! There's one I've asked but I'm going to try to simplify it. What do you think about the behavior of the narcissist mother in this situation? The daughter is an artist and gave some framed prints of two of her paintings to her parents. The paintings have been on the floor behind their sofa for around 15 years, even though according to others, they are not bad. Now the mother is taking painting lessons even though she has never expressed any interest in art except in the past three years, and put her easel in a place where the daughter would be sure to see it. It's almost as if the rejection of the paintings are a rejection of the daughter. Additional info: I'm not sure if that was her intention or not, so the daughter would see it. The daughter's paintings, while not great, are nothing you would expect them to be embarrassed by, and the style and colors blend with their decor. Multiple people have tried to buy one of them from her but it wasn't for sale. So most likely, there's some other reason they're still behind the sofa. The parents didn't even seem happy to receive them as gifts. It's kind of bewildering. You see those articles with suggestions for gift giving that say to give something you've made. I guess that doesn't work in my family. If they thought the paintings were bad, one would think that a parent would still want to hang them up, maybe in an out-of-the-way location.
These “chapters” are so helpful for us that don’t apply to each topic. I love your videos and have been watching for years. Thank you for all your patience, commitment, and dedication to this channel! You have truly shaped my young adulthood and have allowed me to understand family dynamics that continue to shape my life. I am truly grateful Dr. C!
Soooo helpful!! It. Is. Exhausting. They can act like adults for 15-20 seconds! Just today, I was insulted to my face in the most socially inappropriate way by the covert narc, then she went on to NOT APOLOGIZE but, while I was trying to leave, to complain about her lack of wellness (self-induced), lack of time (but she can keep me for hours, if I don’t force her to step aside so I can leave or close my car door, talking about how busy she is🤦♀️, lack of others doing things to keep her happy/entertained and lack of wanting to go to the church event she agreed to attend to serve others, because she’s “introverted”! Literally wants me to play the role of her mother, with whom she has tons of unfinished business, taking the insults without a negative reaction and caring for and about her despite her being a selfish a-hole. It stops now.
Im so glad im away from my now ex husband narc. He was stressful, a drama king, a blame shifter. I tend to fantasize that hes perfect with his new livein girlfriend. NOT!!
It's easy to say just go no contact but that is not always the case. I have learned a lot about narcissists from Dr. Carter, personal experience, therapy, and other professionals on TH-cam. Unfortunately, I work with an overt narcissist who is very difficult to deal with. He's not a team player and has no problem expressing his opinion where it's not wanted and stepping all over everyone's boundaries. How I deal with it is by following some personal rules. I stay neutral and keep my opinions to myself. I don't engage in gossip. I keep my personal life private. I respond with "ok" "I see" "whatever" and "what can I say?" I keep myself at a safe distance from the narcissist at work and I strive to be a team player. I take what the narcissist says with a grain of salt. Otherwise, I will have to find another job and that would be worse than dealing with the narcissist.
I have been watching the Jacky Gleason 1950's shows, and what you describe is exactly how Audrey Meadows plays the long suffering but wisely self-contained wife of blustering. domineering, abusive husband. It is a comedy series, very funny, but underneath is a dark revelation of how so many women have lived in such circumstances. This show could be a powerful tool for psychology classes .
@Peggy Little I have watched the Honeymooners myself. Ralph was not a narcissist. He actually loved Alice. He was a bit hard-headed and a blow hard but Ralph wasn't a narcissist. Alice wasn't the type of woman who would allow herself to be abused by a narcissist. She had strong characteristics and she spoke her mind.
To the person feeling like an animal. I'm guessing its because a lot of pent up anger popped out unexpectedly. You're not wrong to be angry. It's normal to be frustrated after tolerating bad behavior ffor soooo long from others which affect you negatively. I'm thinking two things. First is the book / movie story about a man and a dog way up in Alaska. The man found the dog which had been turned vicious from severe and long term abuse and neglect. The dog was ready to kill out of self defense and had no trust of anyone. I found myself in a similar situation. I'm not violent, but I still have too little trust. People catch on quicker than dogs, but people are also more smarter and more civilized. The story goes on. The person who was mistreating the dog was suddenly removed from the story and the rescuing man treated the dog with kindness and after a long struggle won over the dog and they eventually became close friends. IF your "N" can't or won't physically be removed from your presence your recovery will be harder than the recovery of the dog. But remember, people are more civilized than animals and people can adapt. The "N"s emothinal, mental influence must be removed from you. The "N" won't remove themself from that so only you can do that. One helpful thing you can do is by analyzing your own most basic personality traits and figure out those traits that enable the "N" to keep their control over you and from which you want to escape. (There's a video that helped me a lot in that regard.) The video title is something to the effect asking, "Why Do I Attract Narcissts?" When I did that I saw that several of my personality traits made it easy for a "N" to get and keep control over me. My personality has not changed, but with considerable effort I've changed my behavior when approached by anyone who uses my personality traits to take me in directions which are harming my self respect and inner peace. I refuse to behave in ways dictated by my personality (first impulses) and simply refuse to be manipulated to behave in a way that causes me to disrespect myself. I have to admit that my anger is still aroused at times. The second thing I'm thinking is the account in the Bible where Jesus threw out sellers from the worship temple. The sellers were merchandising in a way that took financial advantage of poor people. Jesus was angry. It's called righteous indignation. He had a right to be angry and he acted on that anger. The Bible tells us to be angry, but sin not. Jesus didn't sin even though he showed His anger. When we reach the point where we're seeing ourself being tormented (losing self respect) because of someone taking selfish advantage of us we also have the right to be angry. However we'll serve ourselves better as well as serving other people better if we find a way to throw out our abusers. If we can't throw them out physically we can stop them from continuing to abuse us by robbing our self respect even while they're physically present. There is a term used in reference to "N" people. That term is passive agressive. What it means is they'll remain silent (allowing you to believe they agree with what you're saying and allow you to believe they'll behave differently) but when the situation arises when you're thinking they'll behave in a way that's helpful instead they just behave in a way that's harmful to the entire situation. It's highly disappointing and frustrating for you. What I'm suggesting is for you (us) to disconnect ourself from the "N" to the point we're rightly seeing the "N" as the problem and we behave as required for us to keep our self respect. That's what's working for me at this time. I removed their ability to frustrate me to the point they regain control. That doesn't mean they changed to better behavior it just means I let them behave their way while I behave in ways that reinforce self respect. THEY don't like it. That's OK with me because I like myself much better now. They'll still behave in hurtful ways, even xto others, but you don't have to accept responsibility for their hurtful behavior. Don't allow the hurt THEY cause to give you guilt for that hurt.
Question. Hi Dr C. I was harassed by a narcissistic family member in a parking lot. It’s been 4 yrs since no contact with anyone in family. She decided to yell n betrays me in public to try to provoke a reaction. 4 yrs ago I would’ve ran away. But u was able to control my anxiety n confront her. Why do we feel we have to justify ourselves? And why do we want to run n hide from confrontations from these ppl?. Why do I always think of the best responses after the fact?
He was quiet as a church mouse until you confronted then he gaslit and passive aggressive. Him and his brother told me because their mom was so insensitive they couldn’t go to her with emotions. They dealt with it in their own. When i couldn’t get resolution after two years after an event his brother said because their is no resolution with her. She doesn’t care basically. I waited for solutions that never came hoping all that time that we could all come back together. I didn’t know the dynamic was such that they would want to fix things that were wrong. Damn they were smug and the shenanigans were something else.
My mantra, after leaving my narcissist, I'm going to build a beautiful life for myself no matter what it takes.
I love that
Lovely👏🏻🥳.
And, you are absolutely worth it! 🤗
Smartest way,Good ❤
Same here! 🔥💕🔥
i live with a narc husband, can't leave yet so i had to take some measures at home to keep my mental health, first i see as much videos as i can about narcissism as the more you know the better prepared you are to deal with them, i moved to a separate bedroom, stopped cooking and doing laundry for him, i don't go out with him for walks or restaurants (he always creates a bad environment and always divides the expenses 50/50), i go out with our daughter, family and friends instead, i don't show him any emotions, i don't look him in the eyes, i don't start conversations with him and if he does i give short answers. This has made a big difference on my well being, he used to make me feel guilty of everything, tried to separate me from my family so he could control me but i didn't allow it and now i'm not afraid anymore. When i leave i will not look back.
Good for you. Me and my narc are getting a divorce and have been separated for 3 months now. It’s so much better with them not being around and I pray that you get free of him soon. Keeping you in my prayers!
You are doing everything right, Godspeed!
Best wishes that your life journey leads you to a bright and happy path. 🤗
@@mesha0932 i'm happy for you, your life will be so much better no more toxicity. :)
@madelena i wish you all the best. Sounds like you've got a plan! I am in (40 years) and am doing the same now that I have groups like these to make sense out of the chaos that was all-consuming. Having that first light bulb moment, for me, was key!
The abuse isn’t our fault. But the healing is our responsibility. Thank you 🙏😊
IMO - Sometimes victims don't realize there is a problem: because they can't identify the problem, they remain confused. I have stated several times before - this dysfunctional mental behavior needs to be taught in the schools, so that children realize it is dangerous and destructive. Too many individuals are forced to suffer, because the victim thinks he/she is the issue.
The narcissist (s) to Team Healthy: "The reason that you are different from me is because you are stupid and you don't see life the way I do." Team Healthy: "Okay, as you wish."
You’re very kind Dr C. After years of taking so much BS both physically and emotionally I found it extremely difficult to be kind any longer. I had to leave behind lifelong relationships in order to get healthy again. On my way.
Good for you.❤
When going out with a narcissist all you'll hear is them talking about themselves not once focusing the attention on you 😮
A friend said to me once, "you can't change other people . . . you can only change how you respond to them." (Thank you, Bill!) That taught me that I could feel a great deal of compassion for my narcissistic father for the reasons he got that way . . . but I'd still have to keep a barrier in place. Ditto my very damaged mother, and possibly-narcissistic sister. All got that way for Reasons . . . but just because I figured out a great deal, does not mean they've changed or would treat me any differently than they had.
Bill🙂. Sometimes you just have to size them up. It's sad but also good when you grow and realize you outgrew.
life is too short to spend with these energy vampires ! - Save your soul and happiness and get out of it. One blessing that does come with post Narcissistic abuse is appreciating the simple things in life: peaceful sleep, owning your own thoughts, functioning in your own time scale, eating and drinking what you like and above all valuing yourself like you never did before . 🙏
The narc in my life is covert. I don't think I could ever convince ANYONE ,that there's a different personality behind the curtain.
Also, I have already been branded the negative one by a few people in my life. Maybe someday I will be able to tell my full story to someone.
Well I believe you as I live with it everyday
You try to tell your story, and people think that you are the one with the problem, or you did something. Be extremely careful who you talk to.
@@kristenmarie9248 Thank you for this ,I really appreciate it. Perfect timing too.
You just started 😌
So true.
Not happy after the break up?
1. You are mourning the death of your fictional hopes and dreams and the illusion that you could have somehow saved your relationship.
2. Your entire being suffered a necessary, lifee saving amputation of necrotic tissue. You are in shock. You need rehab to learn how to function and then thrive in your new life. Give yourself time and grace to heal
Amen to the person asking about becoming a violent person. That is exactly how I am. I can’t stand to hurt anyone, but I’m sick of taking treatment that I don’t give to others.
This might seem like a strange suggestion, but try shrooms. I'm being serious. It healed me in a way that years of therapy never was able to accomplish. I'm no longer phased by certain types of people. It's hard to describe it but it changes your way of thinking, it makes you better in many ways
ASMRyouVEGANyet, Which strain? Penis envy? Golden teacher?
What are shrooms?
@@msigg2656 Magic mushrooms / Psilocybin mushrooms. It's an abbreviation. They're a hallucinogenic fungus that people consume.
I appreciate your discussion of anxiety. The only leftover piece for me is how to deal with the flashbacks of ugly behavior toward me. It’s the image of ugly aggression and hatred directed at me that I have trouble erasing from my mind.
Patricia Fry, my memories are the sick & cruel things he did to my precious grandsons their entire life, he ruined their life, so I do know how you feel, plus my heart hurts for these 3 boys, he literally tortured them physically and emotionally, terrorized them, constantly
Me too
I can get terribly anxious and tend to react. Thank you for explaining that. That is one of the things that made me wonder if I was the narcissist, because I would react but he would “seemingly” remain cool as a cucumber.
That's me
Same! That's by design!
"You'll notice you've made adjustments they've not"
BINGO❤
🎯
I've learned to do my best to ignore all ignorance! I find it a waste of my time to argue with a narcissistic person or a fool!
IMO - My narcissistic brother was raised by a narcissistic parent. He is now slowly dying of a chronic condition, My heart is filled with compassion; however he has not changed his attitude towards me at all. Some examples of his dysfunctional behavior over time are: 1). the inability to express love or 2). no desire to visit 3). making slanderous comments 4). only establishing contact when financial support is the goal (I never provide it). I pray for my sibling daily, but I must protect myself, so I have ceased communications with him, because it is too painful.
The sad part is their inability to understand or accept or even spend an iota of energy pondering why people cut ties or went into hibernation or decided to investigate the rings of Saturn. Their loss not yours. You tried. Many blessings of a nurturing nature.
@@lorinapetranova2607 Thank you. IMO - I don't think my sibling even notices how others perceive his behavior. He is wrapped up in himself, and who can best serve him.
@@lorinapetranova2607 Don't forget all those people that decide to find the lost city of Atlantis or 👀 for ShangriLa🤫😁🤭!
@@malwads1836 Shangri la sounds good! Are you coming?
My sympathies.
So the point isn’t if this guy is a narcissist. Does this sound like healthy love. Would someone who truly loved you trash your things and tear you down? Sounds she’s living with a mean broken person. You have to ask yourself what type of person do you want around you. If you’re around a miserable hateful person then that’s going to be the weather around you. Love yourself to have people to treat you with love and respect.
That was my thought, too...who cares what you call him? This abuse! You need to leave!
Oh....handling anger was easy! It required a hammer and a lb. of Roofing nails. I had two large poles behind the barn for a hammock. So when the Narcissist angered me, I would ho out and hammer nails until my anger disappitated. Alanin tauht me to put my anger into a positive feame. Cleaning worked slso and being productive. Thank God for the principles I learned in the program. This To Shall Pass was my favorite phrase. Thanks Dr. C.
siblings enable narcissistic parents by claiming to have completely different versions of events, that’s sibling gaslighting, they’re also more likely to err on the side of sibling rivalry than support, so you’re better off without them
I am new to your channel and this was so much appreciated thank you for all that you do and thank you for helping people❤
Glad you're on board!!
Welcome to Team Healthy!
You is the best new school, go team healthy, goodness for life, a helpful hearts here, feed crazy linda to the dogs, im sorry im not bent, i visited people traits, im the boss, see im like being a so called, get on board, dont get lost, them fools are here to stay, now im responsible for being to me 0 my
Q. Dr. C Being married to a Covert narcissist for 21 years and not being able to express my needs or wants, not getting to be vaunerable and open about my feelings, because we know why.... Has made it incredibly hard to want to be intimate in snuggling, touching or well sex in general. For me emotional connection is a big deal to feel moved for real physical connection. I can't speak for all women but it's really messing with my mind. I know this is a bit of a personal subject but I would love to get your thoughts about this.
@MustardSeed272 You spoke for me and said it well ♡
Can’t be moved toward affection if you don’t feel safe. That’s it in a nutshell.
JamieBB I too found without an emotional connection there is no love, there is no trust. The relationship is doomed without either.
Still seeing defense mechanisms show up, even after all these years apart. It takes close friends who care enough to point them out to even see them. Newest one pointed out to me was the lingering "fill in" words to keep talking while I think. I was often interrupted and conversation redirected if I paused in a thought. I'm learning to pause again.
The effects of dealing with a narc family member,mate,friend,etc are something else.It's a lot like a ball of 🧶...It can take a long while to unwind it all but eventually you'll get the ball completely unwound👍🏻.
I don’t understand can you help me understand what you wrote so are you trying to dominate the conversation and people are just getting tired of it so they’re interrupting you and redirecting the conversation or are they being rude and taking the conversation away from you I don’t understand
My husband died a year ago and it's taken me this long to realize that I was never allowed to complete a thought in his presence. He disagreed and interrupted me before I had a chance even to start expressing myself. I couldn't reach my own independent conclusions without him attacking me. Luckily I had my own business all along so I was separate from him in an important part of my life. Over the past year I've had to make a lot of challenging decisions in areas which he controlled and I am amazed my brain is still working so well.
@@menotyou6254 I was referring to narcissistic abuse that I’m still recovering from. Close friends help.
@Me not you if you live with a narcissist, they disregard you in every way and try to make you feel crazy. So they can talk and talk, but if you try to talk, they talk over you or just start talking again if you pause in any way. Consequently, you don't have an opportunity to finish a single thought... for years! They only let you say half a sentence, then they take over again... talking endlessly. They do not care what you have to say.
Sometimes things do not get wrapped up with a bow. Understanding that helped me know that there would never be closure with the ex narcissist and I learned how to give that closure to myself by educating myself on narcissism. Thank you, Dr. C.
My Mantra today: I am too strong, wise, healthy, empathic, sensitive, intelligent, beautiful, deep, mindful, engaged, and so much more , for you ..... I like that. It helps.
“Every good thing comes from above” Dr. C, thank you for allowing God to make you one of them🙏❤ This message and the timing - straight from above. Blessings upon blessings upon blessings…. You have helped me so much in reaching my best life ever, which I might add I was thoroughly convinced would never happen for me. I even had an ordained minister once tell me; “well, maybe you aren’t supposed to ever be happy.” I was 19. I had gone to him for Help. Part of me said, “You are soooo screwed…”, but another part honestly wondered very much at how such a man, in such a position, could be in such a position and say such a thing to someone in my position????? I like your approach so much better❤
Thank you.
One of the main problems with dealing with narcissists and the entire family is the refusal to talk about things, even just to clear up misunderstandings. Our entire families on both sides are like this, they would rather just "let it all go" but they hold onto the anger when there isn't even a reason for the anger. I think narcissists and even entire narcissistic families fear deeply being shown they were wrong about something so they avoid all discussion. I try to avoid those who will not be a friend enough to work out difficulties or clear up misunderstandings. I have been the one since I was a child that wanted to figure out a problem and fix it. I am convinced those who are not guilty of something are those who are open, they have nothing to fear.
Dr. C, I appreciate when you tell us to look around us and see how our life has impacted others. As a way to remind us, "ok there's the evidence, I'm on the right track". You know us abused victims so well. You know we will always question ourselves with doubt, thinking we did something wrong, suppressing, constantly pleasing others, confusion. We really need that validation in our lives to help us stay on track mentally and healthfully.
I copied down your very concise advice and pattern of healthy thinking. Thank you for your contribution, and for all the other people's contributions sharing their painful experiences and ways of dealing with them. It helps to know we are not alone.
When I was getting to the end of my rope, long before finding out about narcissism and Dr. C, I was instinctively doing some of these ideas and suggestions. And it was really enraging him. I was driving on the highway, and he raged at me, that I acknowledged what he said, and still kept doing what I want! He let his rage build, and I still didn't collapse. He pulled back his fist, but did not strike, which would have been very dangerous at highway speeds. I looked at him, and thought that if he hit me, I would not drive home, I would drive to the police station. I did not say anything. But I was very clear about that. He backed off. He sulked for days, but it was one of my last straws.
Sigh.
This was difficult. Would have been easier with Dr. D's information.
Being with a NPD is like living in a zone with Extreme Weather 24/7 😂😅
Why is it so hard for me to accept this is all true about my husband even though I know deep in my gut it is!! On one hand I am so finally relieved to put an actual name to what has been happening for 20+years but on the other hand I don't want to believe it!!😫😫😫
I made a catastrophic error of judgement in talking to my children. They were a quite young. It was not prompted by self justification but to try and make them realise that they were not at fault (they were being ground down by judgemental behaviour and discarded). But they were too young and revealed too much of what I had said. I put it on the basis that mum didnt know how to show affection in the same way as I did.
Yes, everything you say is reported back to the narcissist who reinterprets it in the worst way and uses it against you.
Parental alienation is lifelong sorrow. But we can still work on our own character and behaviour and live a worthwhile life.
Hope you don't mind me asking, hope your children grew up without much issues? How's your relationship with them now?
@@eunicec9680 They are still young and it is having a bad effect on them.
Yes, I believe wholeheartedly in discussing with your children the issues of this diabolical mess.[also, owning and discussing your part as well].....pray your children are able to see and hear the truth minus the judgement thereof, and most importantly, that God brings them to the Truth of Life❤️
However, please be mindful of telling children they are just like these types of people.....it seems to deepen the grips of generational curses narcissists carry with them..... Words can be powerful either way they are used.... good, bad, or indifferent. **my opinion***
You're certainly not lying when you refer to this 💩 as a "Generational curse".I'm the cycle breaker on my narc father's side of the tree...& I know there were narcs all the way back to HIS own grandmother,mother,& himself.I'm generation #4 & it's taken THIS long for the "curse" to finally start to lift😳. I'm sure many more folks can relate.
@@malwads1836 💯 generational. My ex hated his father, yet he became him.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. I pray we will all be living in Peace today and each day. This is a great Midweek session Dr. Carter. Thank you so very much. This has been very helpful to all of us. May God bless you and your family too.
For years my narcissistic brother would greet me like this, “now I don’t want to fight!” That was his hello. He was always very angry when he said it. I never started anything with him because of his bad rages that I was scared of. I don’t know how to answer him ?
Hello Dr. C! I have more than 45 years dealing with a narcissistic husband. I never picked up on the flags earlier on before our marriage. We were both young, I was 20 and he was 23. I always felt he was immature. I may be a slow learner, but I realize now that he depended on his family, in particular his father, to help him with responsibilities. I've also realized that he cannot handle the word "no" very well. I was brought up one way and he was brought up another way. The years have not matured him. Now he looks even worse in my eyes because there is this child inside an adult body. In the beginning of our marriage, he got so verbally abusive to me that my jaw dropped at the way he treated me. When he did it a second time, I flipped and slapped him, and put him in his place. For some years he didn't get that bad anymore even though he still was abusive in other ways with me and sometimes even with our children. I believe he was putting his entitlement to use. There are so many other things he's done but they would make this comment much longer. He has never steared away from any of this. Oh, he'll BS and gaslight until he's blue in the face. Another problem is that he had a stroke 4 years ago. He can still walk even though he has balance issues and some memory losses. However, the stroke has only made him worse. The verbal abuse has magnified and he still can't take "no" for an answer. I don't know what to do because I'm too old to leave and start over again and also because I'd feel guilty for leaving him after he's had a stroke and is considered "disabled". We have grown children and, I'm ashamed to say that even they see him for what he is. My parents see this as well. I'm so embarrassed. I suffer from auto-immune diseases, diabetes and other illnesses. I think he may be a reason for these illnesses other than old age. Am I locked in this marriage? Because it sure does feel like I am.
I am in over 50 years and i just read a report today that stated that narcissistic abuse can cause PTSD, auto-immune diseases, diabetes, and other illnesses. I began to first have panic attacks, then the auto-immune diseases came with chronic pain all of the time, very verbally abusive all of the time and to anyone that will listen to him talk very badly about me. Now there is diabetes, the chronic pain and COPD at 80 yrs. old. He thinks nothing of destroying anything he thinks I enjoy. So I can relate to how you might feel stuck in your relationship. It is only my Faith in the Lord God Almighty that has substained me. I just wish I had found this channel of Dr Carter's years ago. I have always had my own income, bought my own home, clothes and cars and supported him too. They are lazy evil people and only get worse the older they get.
If you can get out.... get out.... don't blame them... they can't help themselves. It's not an option for them.. they can't be nice. GET OUT.
I know how you feel. I am not about to give away what I have worked for and live in poverty or to do without in so many aspects. We all are aware that this is usually what happens to women that leave a long marriage. But it is so draining to be married to an immature man boy. Stomping of feet. Pouting. Declarations of “ I am going to get this just because I WANT IT!” Then I am told I can’t tell him what to do because I am not his Mother.
In my mind he is “the toddler husband” 😂 boy oh boy oh boy has Dr. C helped me. My faith and amazing people sharing their vast knowledge out of the goodness of who they are = BEST life ever! 🙏🙏🙏
Perhaps he'd be better in assisted living.
Thanks once again for a very informative session of empowerment 💝
You're welcome, Toni!
💯gonna continue 2 be assertive when NECESSARY & not aggressive 😉Gonna STAY CONSISTENT 😇💕
Dr. Carter! Last night I happened to watch 2 Jacky Gleason shows on TH-cam which just popped up. Having enjoyed his shows back in the 1950's, I was eager to relive the experience, the fun, and the comedy.
But what I saw, thanks to following your program for quite a while now, was how the wife, portrayed by Audrey Meadows, demonstrates the perfect behavior you recommend for dealing with a narcissistic husband.
I watched the first show for fun, then watched the second show with no sound, just watching the body language of all the characters. It was amazing to see how many times, while Jacky Gleason was playing the role of the blustery narcissist, the other characters, especially the wife, just either stared blank-facedly at him or sat down at the table and stared into space while he ranted on and on
Even Art Carney, playing the looney neighbor and best friend, mostly sat loosely relaxed (watch those long arms sprawled out), chewing gum, like the worst kid in the back row of high school class. Really a good lesson on keeping cool ...
That show really triggers my wife because her own dad was a carbon copy of Jackie Gleason. Needless to say, it's been a while since we've watched that...but you are so spot on with your comments.
Your right. The tension is ongoing as being exposed to a narcissist is unnatural and disturbs primitive decency.
Trust myself more. Zero in on issues of control anger and fear
Appreciate you, Dr. C
Control, anger and fear
Dr C…God Bless you for helping this past year as I have come to see behind the mask of my N spouse (33 yrs married) I am truly on my journey to healing, built on a foundation of FORGIVENESS and reclaiming my Dignity, Civility and Respect that you have opened my eyes to (I have your book Let’s talk about Me) and made me a member of Team Healthy…I am healthier because of you and am working through the process of divorce, grieving and lovingly moving forward
I find it hard to believe, "we can't change other people". We are proof, each one of us.. We were changed by the narcissistic abuse, and we were changed by the lessons of Dr. C.
There are people, family members, in fact, that are both narcissists and the abused.
Focusing on my own healing, feels like I'm running out on them. Abandoning them.
This hurts.. I feel like if they knew what i know, they'd be changed, as I've been changed
But I live in conflict with the truth of oft-repeated refrain that no, you can't change them. Exposing the narc will come to nothing 😢😢
Dr C, you probably are the reason so many women especially are leaving their narcissistic husband's they see their is a happier life away from him, thank you for all you do to help us all.
Stay strong Alice
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you again, you have helped me too because my husband & are victims of his too, he bullied both of us for 21 years, his brain must be severely damaged from the years of meth & alcohol, he was even a worse bully when drunk, I am strong that's another thing that drove him crazy I didn't back down from him, he wasn't used to someone stronger than him, all of his family are narcissists, he is just the devil himself. ,,😊, Just glad she is away from him, she can't be stressed out with having the deadliest heart attack on the planet, no heartbeat for almost 40 minutes
Wow.. so thankful for this... since I have been mostly by myself away from the narcissist I have started making new friends..my new friends have been through what I was going through myself..I have been sharing team healthy 😊💖..I thought I became isolated from others until I started learning these people are going through the same.. don't be afraid to make new friends...and by learning through Dr Carter 💖 I can discern the difference..I encourage them to watch Dr Carter.. now we have wonderful things to talk about ☺️🤗 thank you for this 💕💗 and they love team healthy 💓🤗
I appreciate your advice regarding a child that has been trained to hate. It is difficult to leave the door open and get no response.
I closed the door on all of them. My sanity is much too precious... Healing
QUESTION: In the beginning, how do you know IF someone, who seems to be very caring and empathic, isn't a narcissist? After being with a covert for decades, I am not sure if I can recognize it in someone else. Is it just a matter of sitting back and waiting to see if the mask comes down? If so, how long can that take? Thanks, Dr. C. and Team Healthy. I have learned SO much from your sessions. Something I had never heard in all the years of couples and/or my personal therapy. It doesn't seem like therapists even know the term, in my experience!?
I'm no therapist or any type of doctor but when you see the first red flag put yourself in high alert. Take it slow and over time the red flags will continue to pop up. Hope this helps.
@@stephenkarla7113 Exactly👍🏻👍🏻.
Listen to your gut, see how they treat wait staff, see how they talk about exes. I've heard masks falling ten years later. Just be careful, you must protect yourself!!
Have you said no to them for anything at all? There's a huge red flag, from my understanding.......how they react when told no.
Also, how does your intuition present itself when in their presence? That's definitely key, my opinion.
@@heathermixson1265 yes, they will struggle when hearing a NO from you. Maybe not always directly but sooner or later......
This video is spot on of all the years I have watched. My ex-spouse was, and is, so passive-aggressive in her NPD that it boggled my mind for, wait for it, 23 LONG years. The pattern fell to ALL the points given. I found myself saying and conveying thoughts and conversation just exactly as stated, point-by-point. It just never works. What I found is when I started hitting to close to home with her, she just bailed out on the marriage and then went to all the people she could to purposefully hurt even more. Now my daughters are being manipulated just as explained. If I told of all the ploys she has done since being divorced, most here might be shocked. God bless you Dr. Carter. Keep the videos coming.
RCShadow, my narc “husband” had what I call emotional incest with our 3 adult daughters, who have now disowned me.
My heart hurts for you.
@@denicehaley9902
I am sorry you have gone through that. Male or female, narcissist's are toxic especially the passive-aggressive type. Your thoughts are appreciated.
God bless you.
Unfortunately, I am not on Team Healthy right now. I am so angry, frustrated and sad right now, I don’t know what to do. I have tried so hard to remain emotionally detached from my very narcissistic “husband”, but he has triggered me to the point of thoughts and dreams of physical violence. I honestly believe that if I have an opening to act physically, I will seriously hurt this very inhuman being. I am in so much pain right now😞
Keep learning and working it out, Bizzy. I'm pulling for you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism
Thank you, Dr. Carter. Something as simple as your response means so much to me. At least someone hears me.
The hardest part is his alternate reality. To have someone deny the existence of provable facts is very disorienting. He will scream at me for an hour, accusing me of F ing his friends (yeah right!) and then look me in the eye and deny he said it. I could record it and play it back to him, but then he would probably just break my phone. I'm planning my escape instead. You can't discuss anything with a narc because they are not dealing in reality.
1st Question.. Mask.. If someone lies to me then I accept them as liar..
2nd Question.. How can I tell if the person is a Narcissist? When I stopped fighting with the person, they did not want anything to do with me..
3rd Question.. Narcissist Mom.. My mom controlled and manipulated everyone around her.. I know that she pushed my dad away and convinced everyone that he was bad.. I was pissed off that my dad didn't stand up for us siblings but I realize he did not have a chance.. He would be going against my mom and her 6 siblings and everyone that they are connected to.. Also my mom had this ski club going against my dad.. I can let my dad off the hook but I still have to deal with the effects of not only having no support but also having everyone that is connected to my mom against me..
4th Question.. People Pleasing.. I could say a lot about this but I am going to make it simple.. People pleasing infers that the people aren't already pleased.. I chose to be around people who are already pleased..
5th Question.. Low Self-Esteem.. For me it was finding that perfect place within..
6th Question.. Feeling bad after leaving.. When I was in it I was in Fight or Flight and then when I got out I was able to feel the other feelings that I wasn't able to feel while I was in it..
I am so...happy that I do not have a connection with this person! He was a friend but he got arumentuve, lies and being sudsic! Even though he was our neighbor and friend.
I am moving to Colorado to start a new chapter in my life.
I am so blessed that I know what to look for if I decide to get involved with a man.
I do not want to get involved with a friend lover being a narcissistic person.
My brother is a Tri malignant narcissistic sociopath.
And I had to take him to court and turn him into the Sheriff' for beating the crap out of me. He hurt me badly twice.
You cannot reason with this person.
My sister babies him and so does my my big brother.
I will never have him around me again!
He will kill someone one day but if he touches anyone again because he was docked by me and the Sheriff's Department.
Thank you so much, Dr. Carter😮.❤
All rings true to me, especially the anxiety part. Lots of fear and pulling out of control like sticky glue. The anger was mainly redirected toward the authorities on the 'legal' side.
Learning..so much
I ended on two anti depressants to keep control. I only let my daughter get away with things that I felt I needed to be there to protect my grandkids from her abuse. She has pretty much financially ruined me. After 12 years I kicked her out. My oldesgrandson 22, stayed with me, as soon as my granddaughter turned 18 she moved back with me, my youngest grandson has a year before he can move back. He always told me “I just ignore her” so I hope he is coping.
Why can't the Narc see they can be loved for their true self, quirks and all. 2nd, what can a spouse do if they think their spouse narcissism is fed by dreams, visions illusion. I still really them, but they've left me and our 3 adult children and young son - teen ager??
This stress is killing you it was KILLING me I had to leave!
Thank you for your help Dr Carter 🌺🌿
OCEAN: Open, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism or calmness and steadiness. 😊
Thank you Dr. Carter...you are a life saver.
I’m glad I was able to catch the last part of your midweek live earlier this morning. Watching all to sponge up the learning I get from Dr. C. and Team Healthy. ❤️🙏❤️🙏
Safety First!
Thank you Dr C. I truely appreciate your insight into this destructive mind game.
Psychoanalyzing Narcissists is disturbing to me, for it eliminates the demonic aspect. For "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
God i really love listening to you. Dr. C.
You're so kind, Maxwell.
Dr.C, I always look forward to watching you, because you reach right into the heart of the matter. Thank you for all you have done!
And, wow! You’re a kid! Only 69? I used to say” the 70’s were my best years!” Now I say, MY 70s are my best years! Thanks to you and Team Healthy! I have a question and will post it soon.❤️🙏🏼
Thanks Larraine. And yes, I still have some growing up to do!
One of those electronic LIARS are calling the cops FALSELY claiming they are worrid about me and sending them to my property! They do not worry, they're liars
Just like normal healthy people flourish in peace... Narcissists thrive in drama,chaos,& a perpetual tension hanging in the air.It's kinda funny in a way because they actually wither in a peaceful way of life while everyone else thrives in peace.They're basically flipped from how normal people respond to peace & drama🤔😳.
The lady who is asking if her partner is a narcissist , the answer given is helpful. Anyone out there in the same, or similar situation please remember narcissist or not abusive behaviour is dangerous, you can not change someone. No if's, no but's get yourself out to safe place if needs be. You need to focus on your own worth then you will be much stronger and confident that you are enough. xx
There's a little bit if irony concerning a "N" and honesty. During a visit with a couple of people I saw my "N" having a "discussion" (more correctly stated an argument) on a subject they both had different translations about something that was written.
After the visit and while I was alone with my "N" I told my "N" that I thought my "N"s translation was correct.
When I said that I believed that my "N" would just be happy to have my support on the subject and that support would be enough and that any further discussion (argument) on the subject with the other person was no longer necessary.
A few weeks later we visited with that couple again and the same subjact was brought up once again. (Guess who brought up that subject again.) During the "discussion" my "N" said, "se123 told me that *MY translation* is correct."
That was an honest statement, but the result was that it drove a wedge between me and the other person who was blind sidedly roped into the same disussion a second time.
My "N" was honest, yet that statement was a blatant and hurtful betrayal.
Another irony about that situation is the "N" betrayed me plus the other person and more importantly the "N" betrayed themself to both me and the other party to the duscussion.
Gaining a "point" toward winning the argument was more important than the feelings of anyone else hearing the "discussion."
Share this, go team healthy, your questions can help thank ya community, my ,Texas, Doctor, ps, texas linda, thank ya sir,
37:01 HOW they handle conflict.
Dr C!!! You hit it right ON. a JOURNALIST is writing honest, open, full disclosure, just the facts ma'am. A NOVELIST. Is writing, conjuring, manipulation of circumstance and dialog. A journalist has a desire and a novelists has a desire. Who? WHAT?@??!@?? WHERE WHEN. CHANGE THE "W" FOR A "T" WHAT=THAT. WHEN =THEN. WHERE=THERE. Some question beg to be ANSWERED. HOw would you prefer your future be served? I prefer journalism. Oh my lyin eyes. I won't plead the 5th for you if you continue to make me the villan in your shakesperian tragedy of your own misery. Ma nah. Ma nah. Do door be doo doo.
I love u Dr. C!!! GOD bless u and all ur hard work💗🙏🕊🙌🙌
Oh yes. Any conflict is reason to amp things up and add to the problem. Every stressful situation is escalated by the narc.
I have been in a marriage for 35 years with a covert/malignant narcissist. I tried everything to fix him and this.I thought I was crazy like he said.I have developed peripheral Neuropathy and ulcerative colitis due to the trauma of this relationship.I am in therapy,he isn't, of course.All the love I had and gave just brought me to hate.I don't know where to go or what to do.
Dr C. Watching many of your videos and reading the comments has helped me built a more balanced way to approached life. Recovering from all of this takes time an patience. Thank you and all those who are helping along.
You're quite welcome!
Hi Gus! ❤
Woof!
Thank YOU, DR Carter😇
Thank you again for your insight, Dr. C. I’ve been listening to your channel repeatedly, after having been called in to care for a narcissistic family member, who eventually passed away in my care. Would you please address how one can deal with the sense of loss of love and the grief that dogs a person, despite knowing that the narcissist was what he was--the love wasn’t perfect, but it was needed by both invalid and caregiver. I’ve felt anxiety and loss of meaning that others don’t seem to be experiencing! 45:44 45:44
Thank you Dr. Carter 💕
Thank you for answering my question last week, Dr. Carter! There's one I've asked but I'm going to try to simplify it. What do you think about the behavior of the narcissist mother in this situation? The daughter is an artist and gave some framed prints of two of her paintings to her parents. The paintings have been on the floor behind their sofa for around 15 years, even though according to others, they are not bad. Now the mother is taking painting lessons even though she has never expressed any interest in art except in the past three years, and put her easel in a place where the daughter would be sure to see it. It's almost as if the rejection of the paintings are a rejection of the daughter.
Additional info: I'm not sure if that was her intention or not, so the daughter would see it. The daughter's paintings, while not great, are nothing you would expect them to be embarrassed by, and the style and colors blend with their decor. Multiple people have tried to buy one of them from her but it wasn't for sale. So most likely, there's some other reason they're still behind the sofa. The parents didn't even seem happy to receive them as gifts. It's kind of bewildering. You see those articles with suggestions for gift giving that say to give something you've made. I guess that doesn't work in my family. If they thought the paintings were bad, one would think that a parent would still want to hang them up, maybe in an out-of-the-way location.
What a blessing u r to me❣️
Thank you dr Carter. Your wisdom and calmness give me a lot of support and strength. God bless you❤
These “chapters” are so helpful for us that don’t apply to each topic. I love your videos and have been watching for years. Thank you for all your patience, commitment, and dedication to this channel! You have truly shaped my young adulthood and have allowed me to understand family dynamics that continue to shape my life. I am truly grateful Dr. C!
Lady! Have him arrested. Run!!!!!
Celebrating life at all ages 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Thank you again Dr. C. ❤ You are comforting because you are wise and calming. I always feel better after watching your videos. 😁
Soooo helpful!! It. Is. Exhausting. They can act like adults for 15-20 seconds! Just today, I was insulted to my face in the most socially inappropriate way by the covert narc, then she went on to NOT APOLOGIZE but, while I was trying to leave, to complain about her lack of wellness (self-induced), lack of time (but she can keep me for hours, if I don’t force her to step aside so I can leave or close my car door, talking about how busy she is🤦♀️, lack of others doing things to keep her happy/entertained and lack of wanting to go to the church event she agreed to attend to serve others, because she’s “introverted”! Literally wants me to play the role of her mother, with whom she has tons of unfinished business, taking the insults without a negative reaction and caring for and about her despite her being a selfish a-hole. It stops now.
Absolutely anything to keep Team Healthy off kilter, for sure, Dr. C! Lol
I am glad Gus is doing better 😊.
I thank you and Gus thanks you!
Im so glad im away from my now ex husband narc. He was stressful, a drama king, a blame shifter. I tend to fantasize that hes perfect with his new livein girlfriend. NOT!!
It's easy to say just go no contact but that is not always the case. I have learned a lot about narcissists from Dr. Carter, personal experience, therapy, and other professionals on TH-cam.
Unfortunately, I work with an overt narcissist who is very difficult to deal with. He's not a team player and has no problem expressing his opinion where it's not wanted and stepping all over everyone's boundaries. How I deal with it is by following some personal rules. I stay neutral and keep my opinions to myself. I don't engage in gossip. I keep my personal life private. I respond with "ok" "I see" "whatever" and "what can I say?" I keep myself at a safe distance from the narcissist at work and I strive to be a team player.
I take what the narcissist says with a grain of salt. Otherwise, I will have to find another job and that would be worse than dealing with the narcissist.
I have been watching the Jacky Gleason 1950's shows, and what you describe is exactly how Audrey Meadows plays the long suffering but wisely self-contained wife of blustering. domineering, abusive husband. It is a comedy series, very funny, but underneath is a dark revelation of how so many women have lived in such circumstances.
This show could be a powerful tool for psychology classes .
@Peggy Little I have watched the Honeymooners myself. Ralph was not a narcissist. He actually loved Alice. He was a bit hard-headed and a blow hard but Ralph wasn't a narcissist. Alice wasn't the type of woman who would allow herself to be abused by a narcissist. She had strong characteristics and she spoke her mind.
Thank you
Thank you for this Midweek Talk , Dr. Carter. I ' m glad you went for a walk with Gus. Here , in Brazil , is autom but the weather is mild.
I love u king
To the person feeling like an animal. I'm guessing its because a lot of pent up anger popped out unexpectedly. You're not wrong to be angry. It's normal to be frustrated after tolerating bad behavior ffor soooo long from others which affect you negatively.
I'm thinking two things. First is the book / movie story about a man and a dog way up in Alaska. The man found the dog which had been turned vicious from severe and long term abuse and neglect. The dog was ready to kill out of self defense and had no trust of anyone.
I found myself in a similar situation. I'm not violent, but I still have too little trust.
People catch on quicker than dogs, but people are also more smarter and more civilized.
The story goes on. The person who was mistreating the dog was suddenly removed from the story and the rescuing man treated the dog with kindness and after a long struggle won over the dog and they eventually became close friends.
IF your "N" can't or won't physically be removed from your presence your recovery will be harder than the recovery of the dog. But remember, people are more civilized than animals and people can adapt. The "N"s emothinal, mental influence must be removed from you. The "N" won't remove themself from that so only you can do that. One helpful thing you can do is by analyzing your own most basic personality traits and figure out those traits that enable the "N" to keep their control over you and from which you want to escape.
(There's a video that helped me a lot in that regard.) The video title is something to the effect asking, "Why Do I Attract Narcissts?"
When I did that I saw that several of my personality traits made it easy for a "N" to get and keep control over me.
My personality has not changed, but with considerable effort I've changed my behavior when approached by anyone who uses my personality traits to take me in directions which are harming my self respect and inner peace. I refuse to behave in ways dictated by my personality (first impulses) and simply refuse to be manipulated to behave in a way that causes me to disrespect myself. I have to admit that my anger is still aroused at times.
The second thing I'm thinking is the account in the Bible where Jesus threw out sellers from the worship temple. The sellers were merchandising in a way that took financial advantage of poor people.
Jesus was angry. It's called righteous indignation. He had a right to be angry and he acted on that anger. The Bible tells us to be angry, but sin not. Jesus didn't sin even though he showed His anger.
When we reach the point where we're seeing ourself being tormented (losing self respect) because of someone taking selfish advantage of us we also have the right to be angry. However we'll serve ourselves better as well as serving other people better if we find a way to throw out our abusers. If we can't throw them out physically we can stop them from continuing to abuse us by robbing our self respect even while they're physically present.
There is a term used in reference to "N" people. That term is passive agressive. What it means is they'll remain silent (allowing you to believe they agree with what you're saying and allow you to believe they'll behave differently) but when the situation arises when you're thinking they'll behave in a way that's helpful instead they just behave in a way that's harmful to the entire situation. It's highly disappointing and frustrating for you.
What I'm suggesting is for you (us) to disconnect ourself from the "N" to the point we're rightly seeing the "N" as the problem and we behave as required for us to keep our self respect. That's what's working for me at this time. I removed their ability to frustrate me to the point they regain control. That doesn't mean they changed to better behavior it just means I let them behave their way while I behave in ways that reinforce self respect. THEY don't like it. That's OK with me because I like myself much better now.
They'll still behave in hurtful ways, even xto others, but you don't have to accept responsibility for their hurtful behavior.
Don't allow the hurt THEY cause to give you guilt for that hurt.
Question. Hi Dr C. I was harassed by a narcissistic family member in a parking lot. It’s been 4 yrs since no contact with anyone in family. She decided to yell n betrays me in public to try to provoke a reaction. 4 yrs ago I would’ve ran away. But u was able to control my anxiety n confront her. Why do we feel we have to justify ourselves? And why do we want to run n hide from confrontations from these ppl?. Why do I always think of the best responses after the fact?
He was quiet as a church mouse until you confronted then he gaslit and passive aggressive. Him and his brother told me because their mom was so insensitive they couldn’t go to her with emotions. They dealt with it in their own. When i couldn’t get resolution after two years after an event his brother said because their is no resolution with her. She doesn’t care basically. I waited for solutions that never came hoping all that time that we could all come back together. I didn’t know the dynamic was such that they would want to fix things that were wrong. Damn they were smug and the shenanigans were something else.