Forgot to Upload, Maybe Grief Confuses Everyone

It snowed the other day or night I can't remember to be truthful. But I thought I had shared this little video when clearly I didn't. Also I find I have a uniform I now wear. I keep clean .... really keep the house clean but that's becoming a compulsion I might talk about later....but I find I just wash and wear the same thing over and over again to work in the studio. I no longer see any point in mixing things up. John once was after me to hurry up so we'd not be late for something and he said "who are you trying to impress?" I said "you. I want to look my best for you". He looked at me with this smile that said he knew he could not argue with that answer and we both laughed ....and we made it in time
Now I wonder if other widowers just stop putting out much effort in their appearance too. Who am I trying to impress? He died in my arms....that's who I tried to impress.
So that's the main point of this short journal entry to myself....I wonder if many widows and widowers just stop seeing much of a point to the way they look .....and no grief is not grief is not grief....I've lost my parents and so many other loved ones ..... everyone really.....buy losing your husband or your wife is very different stop telling me you know exactly how I feel because you recently lost your ninty plus year old parent or grandparent. That's sad but that's the order of things and they were not your husband or wife. One day I will make a video on all the non consoling things people have said to me to I guess try and console me. I don't think people are mean I just think many just don't know what to say and fill silence with something, anything. One of the most memorable messages I received was from a serious construction kind of no nonsense straight man. He called and wanted to leave a message but stopped and just said "I have no words, there are no words".
It snowed on this day or afternoon or evening ....time is meaningless so I don't remember but I noticed that I'm always in the same uniform since John died.