It's never that simple. Yes the early experiences with the parents are important, but so is everything else, early childhood friends, first love, every love up to "now", books read as a child or as an adult, movies, literally every kind of experience that has somehow shaped who we are, how we see the world, and what we find desirable.
As a hypnotherapist I have to say that most patterns do develop in childhood as the result of traumas experienced before age 8. Those early loves and friends are already part of the pattern that formed early on.
If you're not friendly, how does your love interest have a clue you got feelings for them, it's horrible to be controlling or abusive, people need comforting, if you regret your actions or words, you'll be labelled a fool, traits you hate in others, could be the traits they hate in you🚩
Also, if you're used to being belittled, you may not be attracted to someone who thinks you're wonderful because you won't believe they know "the real you". Your parents know you better than anyone. If they thought you were worthless, you won't trust anyone who thinks you're great. You'll feel like a fraud, and you think you'll disappoint them. Finding someone who belittles you may not feel good, but at least they are seeing you for what you think you are.
Is it going to be the same for the person whose parents overly praise them for everything they do even if that's hurting or disrespecting them at times and when someone around them points out their behaviour to them they get agitated and make fun of them by calling them jealous and envious because they are so used to the high end treatments they get from their parents and at times siblings as well.
I don't watch these videos as if they had the absolute truth. I like to watch this videos because it can be used as a guide, or not. Self-awareness is an individual activity, but you can search for help in videos like these or any source that you prefer, so please, be aware that this videos won't necessarily apply to your life in specific, we all have unique experiences.
I used to do this on my own, then I expanded to subreddits, famous philosophy and my favorite authors. Now this channel is another contributor to the list of topics to think about.
most definitely, i find most of all of these videos to be very basic. They come from a place of fact and appeal w/ soothing voice and pretty pictures, but thats about it.
These videos are really simplified, so if you have something that you are really intersted in, you should watch some psychology lectures or find another additional source... Many times I watched long psycological lectures about some complicated problem and than I found it here or in another similar channel smashed into 5 minutes video, which wasn't completely wrong, but to simplified to take as a fact. But I'm actually really glad for these videos, because they can give me a clue about somethhing within just few minutes.
It's not sad or happy. It just is. They tell a story, and you somehow have sad feelings attached to the story they tell. No emotion is wrong or right. No need to suppress them.
+P7S1 1. Oh _damn_! I totally missed the joke, sorry about that. Ha-Ha that was _so funny_ . 😂 2. I have a 12-year old detector 3. I'm glad that my username helped you in knowing a thing about me. 😊
From my own experience, I started to fall in love with people that were good for me once I became aware that my parents are only human and forgave them on the pain they caused me on that basis. It's a process but it's necessary healing for establishing healthy relationships. Also even before the forgiveness part, learning to love oneself and to have the same supportive and understanding attitude with the self and others that we wish other people had with us - definitely attracts people with those same traits
My brother found a very controlling, belittling woman, but our parents were nothing like that. I think what led him to her was not so much his familiarity with our parents but pure desperation.
+Thomas Smith maybe something about your parents being uncontrolling and kind turned him off about something. For instance, if your brother has been feeling like a failure in an area in life, maybe he has turned to blaming your parents for that, so he figures he needs the opposite of what he grew up with to turn into the person he needs to be.
I'd love if the School of Life one day makes a video about Jung's, and Myers-Brrigg's ideas on personality types. I find their models quite useful to make sense of the huge differences observed in human behaviour and attitudes. I can say that those ideas have helped me a lot gaining understanding and appreciation about myself and others.
The MBTI is pretty unfounded and not supported by any scientific research, here's a good video to check out which discusses it - th-cam.com/video/Q5pggDCnt5M/w-d-xo.html
When you are stopping judging other people, you’re getting stronger inside and more clear. The crazy thing here is, everyone thinks he’s/she’s a victim , even the abusers themselves. It’s really hard to admit that you’re an abuser in both cases. Either By abusing others or by abusing yourself by staying there. Only when you start to see childhood in adults, sympathy kicks in. And that sympathy comes effectively from sympathizing with yourself first. Only then you will be capable to forgive & only then you will see through every human you want a relationship with and choose freely for yourself. After all, when you ask for healthy love, it implies you consider yourself healthy. This scenario is shared by 7 billion people around you. Pure Fascinating human eccentricity :) It’s a tough self realizing journey but you’re going to open many exciting and happy doors for you.
Lately, I have started to think that I would love to have a healthy romantic relationship. I had given up on the idea. My sister and I used to discuss how we found men who were almost always kind to us intolerably boring, for some of the reasons mentioned here. Now, years later it seems not that we found this boring, just that we just found peace unfamiliar, uncomfortable and did not begin to know how to react. How to make that leap? It seems that the person would need to understand and be patient. It seems a worthy aspiration. Thank you for this and your many other informative videos. They have made me think. I may stop precluding the possibility.
Why can't I relate to this at all? First of all, I am in a relationship that has lasted over 8 years and we are both very happy. We talk about our grievances and we know eachother very well. Neither of us is jeulous, and we tend to be quite good at working out issues between us. My dad was very abusive, angry and at certain times also violent. I was 7 or so when I decided very firmly to never become like my dad. My mom on the other hand was a very nice person, and they both haven't changed much to this day. My wife has not grown up in perfect conditions either, yet both of us has used our upbringing to get ideas on how NOT to be. So yeah, the complete opposite of whats being described here. This seems to be a theme of this channel though, it seems to be rather pessimistic in nature. I can genuinely say that I am mostly happy. There are most certainly things I would like to see improved in my life, but I am very happy about our relationship.
Because, actually the possibilities that are stated in this video doesn't applies for everyone, but they do for some people. The subject of the video isn't universal.
Well good for you. I also didn't feel the video didn't apply to me so I criticited its generalisation - "we all feel that we cannot love just anyone". But yeah as saa miranda already said, it explains why some people do what they do. Anyway very happy for you.
LoveConnieAndTH Name Yeah, you got a point. I do honestly believe that it's achievable for most people though. I wish you the best too, and thank you =)
@@aLmAnZio also, it seems as if you made the decision to find good traits and avoid bad ones. Not a lot of people reflect on why they like what they like.
I deeply learn something here about me. It’s very eerie and deeply interesting seeing how you behave and think is deeply correlated with childhood experiences.
Yep, I did a couple bad relationships. But once we know why, we can rearrange our outcomes. Alcoholism and the unpredictable behaviors were what I thought were normal. They are behaviors of damaged and sick people and it took me a life to learn this. I healed by getting around good people who I was slightly uncomfortable with, even felt awkward at first, but I just forced myself to let the in my life. I found friends at a church who were beyond understanding. I joined church missions to help other people and get my eyes off of myself. My family was atheist new age and had no hope beyond what was in front of them. I am now happy, spiritual and involved in giving to others.
This reminds me of the poem. "She fears him, and will always ask / What fated her to choose him; She meets in his engaging mask / All reasons to refuse him"
Thank you, to whoever you re, contributing to this content. And thank you, ones that make starts big conversions in comment section. And thank us, who come here joining them.
Absolutely loved the ending with the octopus and the fish symbolizing that someone that is so out of the norm for us ends up being someone who is properly good for us. That person for me was someone i didnt let in for a long time, and i hurt that person because i didnt know what to do with the love they were giving me. It was so foreign. And now we are getting married. And shes the best most enlightening woman ever. I love you Ryan.
I am always happy when i see one of your uploads in my inbox. I love what you are doing because you make it seem like you've put a lot of thought in it (which probably is the case). For someone thats always been trying to understand the world by first of all understanding myself and then my closer surroundings to then understand the bigger picture, your videos help a lot. Thank you :)
As someone who has had to figure it all out on their own, these videos will help me convey bigger lessons to my children at different stages in their life with the hope of "leveling them up" at a faster rate. Love this channel
Spent the entire car ride to work having epiphanies about my love life after watching this video for the third time. Thank you, School of Life, for putting out great content to help us all gain a little new perspective.
Love seems to be a transcendental bond which expands our connection with reality, defeating isolation, creating unity. Where our inner being - moulded by our past and its education - seeks out resonant experiences. Ideally, it's mutually beneficial, reciprocal, a synchronous positive exchange between self and other and the world.
I've watched a lot of these videos the last few days, and there's a running theme of the suffering we experience and the darkness inside of us. It makes me think that we are mainly beings of darkness and our lives are the struggle to add some light to it. or something
Attachment Theory is a great book on this subject - It goes on to detail love and attachment types and how we're influenced by our parents. I had an intelligent but emotionally distant, sarcastic mother who often belittled and guilted me, and a father who was affectionate but didn't really understand me and was unloved by my mother. I realized later on how much I had taken from my mother, keeping partners at a distance and often being severe and downright rude. Due to what I've read and how I've evaluated myself I've taken time away from dating. Unpacking emotional baggage and really getting to know yourself and why you do what you do creates so many opportunities for growth and love.
+The School of Life I love your videos. They are full of knowledge and compression. Im a 15 year old from Mexico City, and i know that im gonna ask for something that a comment can easily accomplish. I really would like you to have a school of life here, if im not mistaken this city has about 27 million people counting people at the suburbs. Not only do I need you, im pretty sure the rest of my city needs it too. PD: Alain you are a great philosopher, because somehow you have made my daily life more full reflection, compassion, understanding of myself and others. this makes me really happy. PD2: I just read the outsider. Great book. thanks for making me know of its existence. I love you guys
I think what he's saying here is that, if you went through trauma, don't let those toxic people affect your life. Focus on yourself and get rid of those toxic people that were harmful to your life, so they won't influence your love life in the future. Even though meeting someone who is completely different from us may be uncomfortable and scary but in the long run, it's completely worth it. I guess if you want to fall in love with someone deeply you have to get out of your comfort zone, especially on those high expectations. Personally, I think friendships come first and then fall in love. Things take time and relationships are no exception.
It is so sad for humanity and our current existence that the fact of these videos and the fact that we are all "traumatized" by our childhood and parents in some way is true. I hope me and our future generations will be educated and informed well enough to combat these issues. And why do I have to come to a small TH-cam channel to learn this? Why wasn't I thought this at school?
These videos are just so deep and existential that makes your mind explore ideas that were not there before. This video made me learn more than it was expected.
Can you do a video about why some people find it hard to fall in love? (like, common problems of personality or childhood trauma that cause perfectly healthy/normal-seeming adults with functioning empathy, etc, to be unable to connect with others in a way that leads to love?)
i really appreciate your mention of how we could be the "abuser" as well. we, as a species, need to realize we are the bad guys as easily as the good guys, until we get better.
My parents gave me a list of everything to avoid in a person and all dating or sexual relationships only further help to narrow down that special person in mind
No worries, change your paradigm and all is good. People can change patterns, even when it's rooted in your brain sinds childhood. You are responsible for your own life, nobody's there to blame. You just change your way of thinking by appreciating everything you got and know you deserve only the best of everything. trust me, you will shift into a world full of joy Inshallah!
That's really true... I don't know, but people actually _do_ find abuse VERY wrong. To the point of committing suicide. Some don't. Instead, they prefer it :/ To each their own I guess.
Now how do I reconstruct the first few years of my life so I can answer all the questions this video raised. Is there a part two? Don't leave me hanging bro.
+Political Princess I'm in no way qualified to answer this but based on my own experiences your imagination and recollection of memory are great tools of understanding yourself, your situation is perhaps in no way like mine but here's something I've found out from two past relationships that have each been 1,5-2 years long. I have a couple of characteristics that have led to these two relationships: * Afraid to leave something that I have invested time in, especially emotional investment in another person (it weighs much heavier then any investment I can think of, meaning I got a very bad conscious weighing my own health vs someone elses and I would always choose the latter) * Empathic, not in the positive sense it is usually portrayed, but rather that I can get obsessed of pleasing some imaginary need that I think that person has and I therefor give the idea from their side that I can keep being empathic and understanding even though I really can't. Those two characteristics have unconsciously drawn me towards situations where I force myself to be someone I am not until I can't anymore, which ends up either in being burned out or a breakup. I'd say that these two characteristics have led to quite a lot of distress in those former relationships and it took me those 3-4 years to understand that the central issue are those, so my tip is to try to look at yourself honestly in recollection of past relationships and identify what sort of characteristics that you have that have affected the relationships negatively, and not to give yourself any unnecessary pain but to acknowledge that because of those characteristics you are drawn to people who in turn perceive you in a certain way. Not sure if that helps at all, my solution has been to find solitude in things that I feel is true to my nature like philosophy, programming, music, even though those things in itself has no meaning for me, but rather what message I want to get across.
+Filip Bengtegård I have the two traits you mentioned, but I never wanted to admit them to myself. All I want to do is make others happy. However I possess a terrible trait in that, after some time of helping others and doing all the listening and loving, I feel as though I am being given less than I deserve in return. I have given this much thought because of your explanation and I'm happy to conclude I will continue to make others as happy as I can, while working on expecting less in return. Thank you for your thought provoking comment 🙃
This channel has helped me so much. I am not perfect, and there are still some undesirable characteristics that I may not be willing to change, but at least now I am aware.
It is amazing just how much ground this short video covers. I have come to much the same conclusions, but it took me about five years to get to the point where I articulate them, and with hardly the clarity of the presentation here.
Our childhood shapes how and who we love because the care we were given and the relationship of our parents are the first source of our understanding of what love is. We may love: 1. those who are like our parents, 2. those whom we can treat like our parents treated us and 3. those who don't have the good characteristics of our parents.
I like the choice of fish for the video. It maybe could benefit even more from fish being deep sea monster kind - those who never see sunlight and slither around in the cold under enormous pressure. Makes a better analogy to how basic, destructive and alien are the driving forces behind facade of love.
This is recognizable in me. I'm doing this work, (finally). I was deeply traumatized as a youth. It was very hard to open this black nut. I can't lay fault. My parent did the best she knew how. It's up to me to sort out the trouble this has caused me, being a pain magnet, and thanks for validating this work. For some, it's harder than others, I suppose.
4:04 “Am I drawn to my childhood suffering, in adults I fancy “ and “am I put off by traits that caused me suffering, in people”. Both these sentences are opposites. Complicated.
Having spoken with hundreds of people as a volunteer “listener”, I can attest that the theory of relationships as described in this video is overwhelmingly supported by the observed facts. This is precisely how people pick their partners until they finally recognize the problem and seek to correct it. Although it’s admittedly anecdotal-I haven’t done any double-blind studies on it, and yes, possibly confirmation bias-I have spoken to literally hundreds of people who have chosen all of their life-mates like this.
Not been the case in my own personal experience for instance my mom complains a lot about things that it makes no seance to complain about and now if I see a girl complain about those things it turns me right off
It could still be that. Just because your mother was the only one caring after you, does not mean that she fulfilled all the right elements of love, you might have felt a void somewhere. Anyway, the video also mentions that if you don't fully like a parent then you might just try to find the exact opposite, or at least just one with opposite flaws. But then again, no one likes a girl complaining. ;) (I'm a girl so please don't excuse me of being sexist)
I'm 18, I've never been in romantic love, and this video kind of voices what I'm afraid of. The guys who are 'into' are pretty shallow and just have a lot of characteristics that I don't want, but I've never met someone like my dad that I've been attracted to. I love my dad very much, but in my childhood he was verbally and physically abusive at times to me, my siblings and my mother, and he was volatile. I think I've gotten acclimated. the way he's treated me because I have a better understanding of him now, I know he's only human, and he definitely has a good side Although I do get upset with him silently at times). I worry that I will fall in love with someone verbally abusive or something or I would make serious effort to avoid any one with personality traits that my dad has. Still, the first person I fell in love with who wasn't related to me is my best friend, and she's not perfect, but she's kind and accepting and gives me space and disagrees peacefully with me (we never argue) and I could go on.
It's never that simple. Yes the early experiences with the parents are important, but so is everything else, early childhood friends, first love, every love up to "now", books read as a child or as an adult, movies, literally every kind of experience that has somehow shaped who we are, how we see the world, and what we find desirable.
As a hypnotherapist I have to say that most patterns do develop in childhood as the result of traumas experienced before age 8. Those early loves and friends are already part of the pattern that formed early on.
Please can you make a video, I'm interested :)
Jolly good Bravado,
Perhaps you live on a small town on Earth .
You are whatever you think
That's why in Africa they say that a child should be raised by a village, not just 2 people.
and raising an orphan would be the most difficult because the could say
"not my"
Interesting point, though I'd refrain from saying things like "in Africa ...".
hahaha why though?
Also read Huxley's "Island", exact same concept ;)
That's ironic, because a shocking number of African-Americans are raising their kids with one parent and a check from the government.
The goldfish fell in love with the octopus. Did not see that coming.
Japanese octopus porn fetish
Spoiler alert
+Omar Al exactly LOL ^_^
Rylee Matthew *Hentai intensifies*
You didn’t SEA that coming....
Who needs counseling when you have the school of life?
Me
BubbledGem me too lol
It also is getting dangerously close to making MGTOW channels seem overshadowed too
Chrisko1492 not a serious question.
better than any useless counsellor I've ever been to
“It doesn’t feel quite right unless it’s kind of awful as well”. I could tattoo that! It’s the quote of my life!
why is it sooo true tho ughhh 😭😭😭😭
If you're not friendly, how does your love interest have a clue you got feelings for them, it's horrible to be controlling or abusive, people need comforting, if you regret your actions or words, you'll be labelled a fool, traits you hate in others, could be the traits they hate in you🚩
TOTALLY! SO sad but true!
Also, if you're used to being belittled, you may not be attracted to someone who thinks you're wonderful because you won't believe they know "the real you". Your parents know you better than anyone. If they thought you were worthless, you won't trust anyone who thinks you're great. You'll feel like a fraud, and you think you'll disappoint them. Finding someone who belittles you may not feel good, but at least they are seeing you for what you think you are.
Sounds like being stuck: we shall heal and tell them to change and get real and leave them if they don’t
Is it going to be the same for the person whose parents overly praise them for everything they do even if that's hurting or disrespecting them at times and when someone around them points out their behaviour to them they get agitated and make fun of them by calling them jealous and envious because they are so used to the high end treatments they get from their parents and at times siblings as well.
I don't watch these videos as if they had the absolute truth. I like to watch this videos because it can be used as a guide, or not. Self-awareness is an individual activity, but you can search for help in videos like these or any source that you prefer, so please, be aware that this videos won't necessarily apply to your life in specific, we all have unique experiences.
I used to do this on my own, then I expanded to subreddits, famous philosophy and my favorite authors. Now this channel is another contributor to the list of topics to think about.
*Anthony sotelo* Oh, expand into psychology, and physics theory, then visit the tv tropes website and let your mind writhe like a slug in salt.
most definitely, i find most of all of these videos to be very basic. They come from a place of fact and appeal w/ soothing voice and pretty pictures, but thats about it.
saa miranda YES. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT
These videos are really simplified, so if you have something that you are really intersted in, you should watch some psychology lectures or find another additional source...
Many times I watched long psycological lectures about some complicated problem and than I found it here or in another similar channel smashed into 5 minutes video, which wasn't completely wrong, but to simplified to take as a fact. But I'm actually really glad for these videos, because they can give me a clue about somethhing within just few minutes.
I love your videos but they always make me feel really sad inside
+ña na Yeah! They should give us some HOPE at the end. haha. BUT it can help people become more *self aware*
+ña na That's funny, I find them very soothing. I usually feel better after watching them.
+i SkyWalKing ubbornness yhggmjjlyyktjjr
It's not sad or happy. It just is.
They tell a story, and you somehow have sad feelings attached to the story they tell.
No emotion is wrong or right. No need to suppress them.
You mean melancholic?
I came here to learn, not to feel. Now look at what you've done.
Learning by feeling
"We accept the love we think we deserve "
the perks of being a wallflower
@crysta chesbro your comment just made my night. ^-^
I accepted it all, my self love. And my patrimony in my name only. And lord beloved. And the best way to go
I sea what you mean.
+P7S1 Go away 12-year old child.
+P7S1
1- What joke?
2-Why telling someone to kill himself because of a pun?
3- Are you insecure of your sexual orientation?
+P7S1 1. Oh _damn_! I totally missed the joke, sorry about that. Ha-Ha that was _so funny_ . 😂
2. I have a 12-year old detector
3. I'm glad that my username helped you in knowing a thing about me. 😊
Nerdy Fag u guys are all too sensitive, nobody can take a joke anymore. Also, your "12-year old detector" is wrong .
@@p7s126 so this is what the aftermath of a flame war looks like..
you need to love the person who will free you from your past fears.
Took a screenshot of this comment + it's the only comment I really like
Free yourself first. ❤️
So you're expecting someone who can free you from your past fears great.
The maximum that another person is capable of, for that istance, is helping. No one will save you, but yourself.
From my own experience, I started to fall in love with people that were good for me once I became aware that my parents are only human and forgave them on the pain they caused me on that basis. It's a process but it's necessary healing for establishing healthy relationships. Also even before the forgiveness part, learning to love oneself and to have the same supportive and understanding attitude with the self and others that we wish other people had with us - definitely attracts people with those same traits
My brother found a very controlling, belittling woman, but our parents were nothing like that. I think what led him to her was not so much his familiarity with our parents but pure desperation.
yep
+Thomas Smith Yep you are absolutely right.
psychoanalysis is not the key to everything
+Thomas Smith maybe something about your parents being uncontrolling and kind turned him off about something. For instance, if your brother has been feeling like a failure in an area in life, maybe he has turned to blaming your parents for that, so he figures he needs the opposite of what he grew up with to turn into the person he needs to be.
subpolarity Yes, that also happened. Life...
"There are plenty of fish in the sea"
god dammit I don't want a fish, I want my octopus back
I had an octopus once. She left me to be with a clownfish
there's plenty of FISH IN THE SEA i SEA what you did there
LOL I'm slow, damn
ARE YOU SHORE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
Most of that fish looks like some deep sea ugly fucking monster, but they'll never tell you...
Katharine G Lmao
Love this
"It doesn't quite feel right unless it's kind of awful as well"
That really hit home ;(
Screw it. I WOULD RATHER BE THE CRAZY ,LONELY CAT LADY INSTEAD OF ENDING UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS TRAITS LIKE MY PARENTS
Judging from your avatar, you are her...
we learn what not to do and it is always the most pain ful
I feel the fucking same.
Yup agree
People are such suckers to be all lame like their parents.
I'd love if the School of Life one day makes a video about Jung's, and Myers-Brrigg's ideas on personality types. I find their models quite useful to make sense of the huge differences observed in human behaviour and attitudes. I can say that those ideas have helped me a lot gaining understanding and appreciation about myself and others.
The MBTI is pretty unfounded and not supported by any scientific research, here's a good video to check out which discusses it - th-cam.com/video/Q5pggDCnt5M/w-d-xo.html
Same! i would love that, too.
+jaggo84 I would also greatly appreciate enneagram.
+jaggo84 Their ideas are very appealing, but have never been empirically based in valid studies.
INTP for life!
Learned more about myself in five minutes than I did my entire life. Thank you.
Years of therapy and self-contemplation summed up in a 5 minute video... I LOVE THIS CHANNEL :D
When you are stopping judging other people, you’re getting stronger inside and more clear. The crazy thing here is, everyone thinks he’s/she’s a victim , even the abusers themselves. It’s really hard to admit that you’re an abuser in both cases. Either By abusing others or by abusing yourself by staying there.
Only when you start to see childhood in adults, sympathy kicks in. And that sympathy comes effectively from sympathizing with yourself first. Only then you will be capable to forgive & only then you will see through every human you want a relationship with and choose freely for yourself. After all, when you ask for healthy love, it implies you consider yourself healthy. This scenario is shared by 7 billion people around you. Pure Fascinating human eccentricity :)
It’s a tough self realizing journey but you’re going to open many exciting and happy doors for you.
All I got from this is that Tentacle Hentai is what's good for us.
+Alucard Same.
Hahahahahahaha
was waiting for the octopus to eat the little dude
ALWAYS HAS BEEN
Lately, I have started to think that I would love to have a healthy romantic relationship. I had given up on the idea. My sister and I used to discuss how we found men who were almost always kind to us intolerably boring, for some of the reasons mentioned here. Now, years later it seems not that we found this boring, just that we just found peace unfamiliar, uncomfortable and did not begin to know how to react. How to make that leap? It seems that the person would need to understand and be patient. It seems a worthy aspiration. Thank you for this and your many other informative videos. They have made me think. I may stop precluding the possibility.
Why can't I relate to this at all? First of all, I am in a relationship that has lasted over 8 years and we are both very happy. We talk about our grievances and we know eachother very well. Neither of us is jeulous, and we tend to be quite good at working out issues between us.
My dad was very abusive, angry and at certain times also violent. I was 7 or so when I decided very firmly to never become like my dad. My mom on the other hand was a very nice person, and they both haven't changed much to this day. My wife has not grown up in perfect conditions either, yet both of us has used our upbringing to get ideas on how NOT to be. So yeah, the complete opposite of whats being described here.
This seems to be a theme of this channel though, it seems to be rather pessimistic in nature. I can genuinely say that I am mostly happy. There are most certainly things I would like to see improved in my life, but I am very happy about our relationship.
Because, actually the possibilities that are stated in this video doesn't applies for everyone, but they do for some people. The subject of the video isn't universal.
Well good for you. I also didn't feel the video didn't apply to me so I criticited its generalisation - "we all feel that we cannot love just anyone". But yeah as saa miranda already said, it explains why some people do what they do.
Anyway very happy for you.
LoveConnieAndTH Name Yeah, you got a point. I do honestly believe that it's achievable for most people though. I wish you the best too, and thank you =)
@@aLmAnZio also, it seems as if you made the decision to find good traits and avoid bad ones. Not a lot of people reflect on why they like what they like.
He didn't say it's certain. It just may happen.
"it doesn't quite feel right unless it's kind of awful as well"
man that really hit home...
I deeply learn something here about me. It’s very eerie and deeply interesting seeing how you behave and think is deeply correlated with childhood experiences.
Love is the privilege of the free.
Yep, I did a couple bad relationships. But once we know why, we can rearrange our outcomes. Alcoholism and the unpredictable behaviors were what I thought were normal. They are behaviors of damaged and sick people and it took me a life to learn this. I healed by getting around good people who I was slightly uncomfortable with, even felt awkward at first, but I just forced myself to let the in my life. I found friends at a church who were beyond understanding. I joined church missions to help other people and get my eyes off of myself. My family was atheist new age and had no hope beyond what was in front of them. I am now happy, spiritual and involved in giving to others.
Somehow, i feel your videos are little by little helping me deal with my issues.
Thank you.
If you really care about yourself, watch the video again and take nodes, then try to really apply what you just learned to your life.
Eyob Tadessa same
This reminds me of the poem.
"She fears him, and will always ask / What fated her to choose him;
She meets in his engaging mask / All reasons to refuse him"
Thanks, doctor Seagmund.
Here we go again. Love is such a sad thing. Luckyli my parents were ok.
Thank you, to whoever you re, contributing to this content.
And thank you, ones that make starts big conversions in comment section.
And thank us, who come here joining them.
The best part of this is the comments section
His voice is so soothing. i just want to keep watching his videos.
@theschooloflife
I loved the illustrations in this video; simply beautiful, yet not drawing attention away from the message.
Insight is one thing but actually changing is another.
These videos are so good. I feel as if I am a better person for watching them...truly.
Absolutely loved the ending with the octopus and the fish symbolizing that someone that is so out of the norm for us ends up being someone who is properly good for us. That person for me was someone i didnt let in for a long time, and i hurt that person because i didnt know what to do with the love they were giving me. It was so foreign. And now we are getting married. And shes the best most enlightening woman ever. I love you Ryan.
I am always happy when i see one of your uploads in my inbox. I love what you are doing because you make it seem like you've put a lot of thought in it (which probably is the case). For someone thats always been trying to understand the world by first of all understanding myself and then my closer surroundings to then understand the bigger picture, your videos help a lot. Thank you :)
As someone who has had to figure it all out on their own, these videos will help me convey bigger lessons to my children at different stages in their life with the hope of "leveling them up" at a faster rate. Love this channel
School of Life is a major 🔑
+Eagle gaming no u
Eagle gaming OO... LMAO! fuck na... llol...
Eagle gaming thanks.. lolololol
This video really pushed my reflection further. I mean, now I see love in a totally different way. So much questions are asked...
I see this can happen with the regular masses and not as much as those who frequently practice self-reflection, and self-criticism.
Spent the entire car ride to work having epiphanies about my love life after watching this video for the third time. Thank you, School of Life, for putting out great content to help us all gain a little new perspective.
Love seems to be a transcendental bond which expands our connection with reality, defeating isolation, creating unity. Where our inner being - moulded by our past and its education - seeks out resonant experiences. Ideally, it's mutually beneficial, reciprocal, a synchronous positive exchange between self and other and the world.
Exactly what I was looking for in the comments 😊
Exactly what I was looking for in the comments 😊
I've watched a lot of these videos the last few days, and there's a running theme of the suffering we experience and the darkness inside of us. It makes me think that we are mainly beings of darkness and our lives are the struggle to add some light to it.
or something
Well......that’s an accurate description of my life.
Excellent. Worth the investigation. Pure Gold.
Attachment Theory is a great book on this subject - It goes on to detail love and attachment types and how we're influenced by our parents. I had an intelligent but emotionally distant, sarcastic mother who often belittled and guilted me, and a father who was affectionate but didn't really understand me and was unloved by my mother. I realized later on how much I had taken from my mother, keeping partners at a distance and often being severe and downright rude. Due to what I've read and how I've evaluated myself I've taken time away from dating. Unpacking emotional baggage and really getting to know yourself and why you do what you do creates so many opportunities for growth and love.
I think this is the only time I’ve heard them say we can get used to loving someone who doesn’t feel familiar but is actually good for us
I will have to think about those questions. Great video
Very profound and insightful. This video could save some relationships
This video is so organized, clear and deep... like all others from the channel! THANK YOU!
+The School of Life I love your videos. They are full of knowledge and compression. Im a 15 year old from Mexico City, and i know that im gonna ask for something that a comment can easily accomplish. I really would like you to have a school of life here, if im not mistaken this city has about 27 million people counting people at the suburbs. Not only do I need you, im pretty sure the rest of my city needs it too.
PD:
Alain you are a great philosopher, because somehow you have made my daily life more full reflection, compassion, understanding of myself and others. this makes me really happy.
PD2:
I just read the outsider. Great book. thanks for making me know of its existence.
I love you guys
Quiero ir a Mexico City! Parece (en los photos) fantastico ☺
I think what he's saying here is that, if you went through trauma, don't let those toxic people affect your life. Focus on yourself and get rid of those toxic people that were harmful to your life, so they won't influence your love life in the future. Even though meeting someone who is completely different from us may be uncomfortable and scary but in the long run, it's completely worth it. I guess if you want to fall in love with someone deeply you have to get out of your comfort zone, especially on those high expectations. Personally, I think friendships come first and then fall in love. Things take time and relationships are no exception.
It is so sad for humanity and our current existence that the fact of these videos and the fact that we are all "traumatized" by our childhood and parents in some way is true. I hope me and our future generations will be educated and informed well enough to combat these issues. And why do I have to come to a small TH-cam channel to learn this? Why wasn't I thought this at school?
These videos are just so deep and existential that makes your mind explore ideas that were not there before. This video made me learn more than it was expected.
Can you do a video about why some people find it hard to fall in love? (like, common problems of personality or childhood trauma that cause perfectly healthy/normal-seeming adults with functioning empathy, etc, to be unable to connect with others in a way that leads to love?)
Best channel on TH-cam. I'm using this to teach my children.
Wow. This video is the truth. I love the ending
This channel has made me more understanding and self aware, so thanks.
Love this one, made me realise why I went wrong in my historical choice of partners! And now the unravelling starts...
Hits close to home. This is so relatable.
Where's my fucking octopus?
i really appreciate your mention of how we could be the "abuser" as well. we, as a species, need to realize we are the bad guys as easily as the good guys, until we get better.
My parents gave me a list of everything to avoid in a person and all dating or sexual relationships only further help to narrow down that special person in mind
I know I was speaking within the context of the video
Sardonyx Snixx her/his parents just wants her to be happy with her life and not make the wrong decisions and regret of the person she is with
RuRetro - you think so? Not all
Thanks for reminding me why I can never be happy..
Kinda think this is the point of this channel to keep you watching.
Same here
Amazingly creative, ingenious and beautiful to look at designs; beside great food for thought of the spoken part.
No worries, change your paradigm and all is good. People can change patterns, even when it's rooted in your brain sinds childhood. You are responsible for your own life, nobody's there to blame. You just change your way of thinking by appreciating everything you got and know you deserve only the best of everything. trust me, you will shift into a world full of joy Inshallah!
Ahhh makes sense... Great parents 😎 treat others well 😅 healthy future relationships 😍
This blew my mind! Everything said was experienced in my life.
if we can form blocks around positive traits, why can't we make abusive traits seem wrong
I'm waiting for an answer, too
That's really true... I don't know, but people actually _do_ find abuse VERY wrong. To the point of committing suicide. Some don't. Instead, they prefer it :/ To each their own I guess.
abusive traits are wrong, hidden not seen The shadow side
watching them, mediation, brings to surface but does not seem to heal
I think school of life is trying to fuck up my life but i keep watching and liking and sharing
so basically marry an octopus.
Had an octopus. Lost him. Still not over it. Don't know if I ever will be, because only something really good can break your heart so very badly.
yes, the one thing anime thought me that you can't go wrong with tentacles.
Wow...This made realize so many things in my life and my outlook on love.
Thank you so much @SchoolOfLife
Now how do I reconstruct the first few years of my life so I can answer all the questions this video raised. Is there a part two? Don't leave me hanging bro.
+Political Princess. Same here.
+Political Princess I'm in no way qualified to answer this but based on my own experiences your imagination and recollection of memory are great tools of understanding yourself, your situation is perhaps in no way like mine but here's something I've found out from two past relationships that have each been 1,5-2 years long.
I have a couple of characteristics that have led to these two relationships:
* Afraid to leave something that I have invested time in, especially emotional investment in another person (it weighs much heavier then any investment I can think of, meaning I got a very bad conscious weighing my own health vs someone elses and I would always choose the latter)
* Empathic, not in the positive sense it is usually portrayed, but rather that I can get obsessed of pleasing some imaginary need that I think that person has and I therefor give the idea from their side that I can keep being empathic and understanding even though I really can't.
Those two characteristics have unconsciously drawn me towards situations where I force myself to be someone I am not until I can't anymore, which ends up either in being burned out or a breakup.
I'd say that these two characteristics have led to quite a lot of distress in those former relationships and it took me those 3-4 years to understand that the central issue are those, so my tip is to try to look at yourself honestly in recollection of past relationships and identify what sort of characteristics that you have that have affected the relationships negatively, and not to give yourself any unnecessary pain but to acknowledge that because of those characteristics you are drawn to people who in turn perceive you in a certain way.
Not sure if that helps at all, my solution has been to find solitude in things that I feel is true to my nature like philosophy, programming, music, even though those things in itself has no meaning for me, but rather what message I want to get across.
+Filip Bengtegård I have the two traits you mentioned, but I never wanted to admit them to myself. All I want to do is make others happy.
However I possess a terrible trait in that, after some time of helping others and doing all the listening and loving, I feel as though I am being given less than I deserve in return.
I have given this much thought because of your explanation and I'm happy to conclude I will continue to make others as happy as I can, while working on expecting less in return.
Thank you for your thought provoking comment 🙃
Thank you for answer, glad I could help in some way or form.
This channel has helped me so much. I am not perfect, and there are still some undesirable characteristics that I may not be willing to change, but at least now I am aware.
It is amazing just how much ground this short video covers. I have come to much the same conclusions, but it took me about five years to get to the point where I articulate them, and with hardly the clarity of the presentation here.
The ending was soo surprising
Our childhood shapes how and who we love because the care we were given and the relationship of our parents are the first source of our understanding of what love is.
We may love:
1. those who are like our parents,
2. those whom we can treat like our parents treated us and
3. those who don't have the good characteristics of our parents.
'Emotional health is increasing the number of people we could fall in love with'
If this is true, then I need a help
This is my best channel ever when it comes to life skills, I do enjoy and listen attentively to this man in the audio.
I like the choice of fish for the video. It maybe could benefit even more from fish being deep sea monster kind - those who never see sunlight and slither around in the cold under enormous pressure.
Makes a better analogy to how basic, destructive and alien are the driving forces behind facade of love.
This is recognizable in me. I'm doing this work, (finally). I was deeply traumatized as a youth. It was very hard to open this black nut. I can't lay fault. My parent did the best she knew how. It's up to me to sort out the trouble this has caused me, being a pain magnet, and thanks for validating this work. For some, it's harder than others, I suppose.
Hello there. I would be Glad to know you.
I'm a british from England, Leeds.
Everyone, and the world will be a better place 😊
+Henry Stax and the entire human race
Facets. Nice picture
+liberal panda thank you but that's not where I got it from, I have a will smith from there though!
4:04 “Am I drawn to my childhood suffering, in adults I fancy “ and “am I put off by traits that caused me suffering, in people”. Both these sentences are opposites. Complicated.
so basically date an octopus?
yes
The japanese were not wrong after all.
this not only suited for love but on how we perceive others in general
after checking the comments section, I realised I'm not the only one who suffered child abuse.
I did too
same here :') it's tough living but i gotta stay strong
oX★kaninchen2077★Xo Michael Drane we'll be fine.
+sachin yadav same here bro. it was tough but we came to be what we are now. so lets do something greater
+sachin yadav You are not alone, my friend. You've survived; now it's time to thrive :)
Having spoken with hundreds of people as a volunteer “listener”, I can attest that the theory of relationships as described in this video is overwhelmingly supported by the observed facts. This is precisely how people pick their partners until they finally recognize the problem and seek to correct it.
Although it’s admittedly anecdotal-I haven’t done any double-blind studies on it, and yes, possibly confirmation bias-I have spoken to literally hundreds of people who have chosen all of their life-mates like this.
plot twist:
the octopus eats the fish
love the school of life insight levels OVER 9000!!!!!
I don't like my parents and I actually feel attracted to persons who are absolute opposites of my parents because I never want to go back there again
I resonate EVERYTHING which has explained on this video.
That was deep... i mean like where the octopus lives deep.
Wow...
This is a excellent and stupendous video.
This helped me understand bullies and people in general more.
Keep up the good work.
stay woke
These videos help me realize why I am when it comes to love
Not been the case in my own personal experience for instance my mom complains a lot about things that it makes no seance to complain about and now if I see a girl complain about those things it turns me right off
No my mother was my only parent when I was growing up so it cant be that
It could still be that. Just because your mother was the only one caring after you, does not mean that she fulfilled all the right elements of love, you might have felt a void somewhere. Anyway, the video also mentions that if you don't fully like a parent then you might just try to find the exact opposite, or at least just one with opposite flaws. But then again, no one likes a girl complaining. ;) (I'm a girl so please don't excuse me of being sexist)
I'm 18, I've never been in romantic love, and this video kind of voices what I'm afraid of. The guys who are 'into' are pretty shallow and just have a lot of characteristics that I don't want, but I've never met someone like my dad that I've been attracted to. I love my dad very much, but in my childhood he was verbally and physically abusive at times to me, my siblings and my mother, and he was volatile. I think I've gotten acclimated. the way he's treated me because I have a better understanding of him now, I know he's only human, and he definitely has a good side Although I do get upset with him silently at times).
I worry that I will fall in love with someone verbally abusive or something or I would make serious effort to avoid any one with personality traits that my dad has.
Still, the first person I fell in love with who wasn't related to me is my best friend, and she's not perfect, but she's kind and accepting and gives me space and disagrees peacefully with me (we never argue) and I could go on.