Building and Rebuilding a Marriage that Lasts | The Lila Rose Podcast E83
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ก.ค. 2024
- Everyone who says “I do” hopes to have a perfect marriage. But what do you do when the honeymoon phase ends, and your feelings about your spouse change? What if you feel less intimate, distant, and unloved by your spouse? What if you aren’t attracted to your spouse anymore, or what if you get a crush on a co-worker? What if you start to ask the question, “Did I marry the wrong person?” Is divorce inevitable? Today I sit down with mental health expert, Dr. John Delony of the Dr. John Delony Show, to discuss how to get through some of the toughest relationship issues with your spouse, as well as how to build a relationship and a romance that stands the test of time.
Follow Dr. John Delony:
/ @thedrjohndelonyshow
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Timestamps:
00:00 Intro Sequence
00:30 Introduction
01:57 Good Ranchers
02:56 John's Background
04:50 What Shifted Him From Academia to Dave Ramsey?
06:59 Format of John's Show
08:34 "I've Always Regretted My Marriage"
11:25 Difference Between Feelings and Fact
13:19 The Role of Feelings
16:24 Every Life
17:19 How to Have Hard Convos if It Could Cause Painful Damage
19:56 How Do You Develop Trust With Spouse?
21:46 How Do You Go All In When Things Are Hard
23:58 How Do You Learn to Do The Hard Relationship Work
27:52 Seven Weeks Coffee
28:57 Can You Marry the Wrong Person?
31:27 The Power of the Promise
34:05 Regrets of Divorce Aren't Talked About Enough
37:43 Need for Rebuilding is Inevitable
41:34 Love is an Action
42:13 Worst Ryan Gosling Movie Ever
43:53 Critique on "The Notebook"
45:03 40s Better than 20s
46:45 God and Covenant
48:32 Handling Attractions
56:49 Effect of the P**nified Culture
1:00:40 Many Men Love Their Wives More After Birth
1:02:11 Projecting Insecurity
1:04:35 Keeping the Romance Alive
1:09:22 Resources for Healthier Marriage
1:15:21 Where to Find John
![เปิดบ้านสุดหรู "เเจ็ค the ghost" ลั่นถ้าป๋องกพลลำบากผมเลี้ยงเอง!! l [Nickynachat]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1xbW4vULqGc/mqdefault.jpg)
When I lost the baby weight from my first born and looked back at pictures postpartum I realized how chunky I looked postpartum and realized how supportive he was with the changes I went through and I asked him if it made him less attracted to me during that time and he said, "You birthed our baby, and bled for weeks. I wasn't worried about your weight, you Nursing and caring for our child are some of the times I've been most attracted to you"
Like ugh. So blessed with my husband ❤❤❤
This is beautiful, thanks for sharing ❤
“The greatest view comes after the hardest climb”
26yrs with my wife. Now it’s better than ever.
Is the sex better at 40 than at 20? I'm pretty sure he is selling fantasy to his female audience with that comment.
I hope to one day have a long marriage like yours.
I've been married almost 4 years and one thing that has really helped is that, from the beginning, I mentally took divorce off the table. Whenever we have some serious issue, my mind doesn't go to "Should we stay married?" Instead, my instinct is "How do we fix this?"
Too bad the average woman does not have this mindset in 2024.
There was a woman that thought the same thing as you. Well her husband gaslight her ,cheat multiple times , almost put their family in bankruptcy from gambling, would never come straight home from work and stay out all hours of the night at the bar. she put up with this for 5 or 6 years - she got feed up so decided to put divorce on the table, and a year later her husband did 180, went counselling , gave up the drinking, gambling became a better husband , at least for the time being. It definitely was a new tool in her toolbox.
@@sitka49 that's extreme example- you should dismissed guy like that. Moment anybody see guy having alcohol/gambling problem is big red flag
@@satyagirl1797 That wasn't me, a women from church - And it's not extreme example really _ if you go into a relationship with no hard consequences for very bad behavior - what do you thinks going to happen?
I don't have high confidence that this relationship will last obviously that her husband is a narcissist - and I'm sure when the dust settles a little he'll go back to his bad behavior
One psychologist said "Do people change?" Yes and no. They do when they have to. Was the answer
Married 12 years. I often joke that the man I am married to does not do the same things, have the same interests, tastes or hobbies than the guy I married. We keep building. I am thrilled with my husband, but if we weren’t choosing to grow together and constantly choosing each other life would be so different. Marriage is building a life. It’s a privilege.
We have been married 38 yrs and I can't think of one thing we do together we would both agree is "fun or funny".
I’ve been binge watching/listening to lots of relationship and marriage podcasts lately, when I first started it was out of curiosity. Two days ago my wife and I started out having a conversation which escalated to an argument (which went on for two days) which then could have ended in divorce. We have been married under a year and I could not believe just how much she was holding on to, I had no clue these things were even issues. Because I have been listening to podcasts like this one and many of John’s podcasts I had that “hard conversation” that John talks about. I told my wife this isn’t a throw away marriage for me, divorce is not an option for me, I need to know that it’s not an option for u too. I told her I’m all in and ready to put in the work but she has to be all in with me.
I’m going to come back 10 years from now and update everyone on how amazing and beautiful our marriage continues to be. 🙌
The problem is people’s definition of love. Love is not feelings , love requires a DECISION. It is doing what is right and good for our spouse. As Jesus died to self for us, we die to self for our spouse. It is glorious and honoring to God to love God’s way. I have been loving this way for 39 years and counting. It has not always been easy, but I have kept my vows to God and my husband by His grace! Hallelujah ‼️
Agree
Amen!
Its both emotion and action
Love is a feeling and emotion. Acts of love are the decisions. There is a difference. You can love someone and never do an act of love.
@@brookesmith1550
That’s incorrect. You can’t love if there is no action that demonstrates it. At that point you’re just giving lip service.
Love is an Emotion as well as Action.
Moral of the story: “Sit down across the table and talk to each other”
I disagree, a husband may want to sit down and talk logically to his wife ... which normally goes very poorly because women think emotionally not logically. When Jonny D said to just sit down with your wife and say I'm not attracted to you anymore .... I just laughed. Even Lila had to push back and questioned him on how to effectively do that and he could not answer that question because you cannot do that with the modern woman who has been told her entire life she is perfect how she is. (you are beautiful nomatter what they say, words can't bring you down - Christina Aguilera) They ended up just blaming the male attraction issue on watching porn.
@PostMillMain I disagree with both of you.
Communication only works if both people are coming from or at least want to be on the same level. If one is too stubborn or dishonest, Communication doesn't mean shit.
Both men and women can be too emotional. Trust me. After a marriage that lasted more than 2 decades it was him that couldn't or wouldn't look at things logically
His own therapist and our marriage therapist tried to make him see through a less emotional lens. He stormed out on both.
@@jenster29 I don't trust you. sorry .... I'd have to talk to the ex to get the real story
I guess sitting down and communicating clearly your hatred for each is better than nothing.
I seems that one is usually indifferent to the other’s experience which doesn’t translate to wanting to hear from them or to update or clarify anything to the other.
This is like my dream podcast come true! Love listening to you both!
Was a pleasant surprise for my day too
I agree! They are both so great!
Love is an action. It's not the responsibility of the other person to fulfill you.
Only Jesus can. ✝️♥️
This is not possible. Ideal, yes. Should be said, yes. Should be followed, yes. But just not doable I'm afraid
😢 this is what happens when we secularize marriage. I think more than ever the number one trait I’m looking for in a partner is the fear of the lord. If they do not possess it, then your marriage is governed by emotions or lack there of. Can’t submit to your roles as husband or wife if you cannot submit to the word of God.
Very very good point. It is impossible to overlook this. ❤
Marriage is not possible with a whim mentality (aka, feelings/passions).
Nothing at all lasts in a whim/feelings, those are things that go away when had, by their own definition.
The world has lost the sense of divine purpose and walk with God.
The Almighty is not real for many, empty, mechanistic, pessimistic, synical people.
👏👏
This is the truth.
This is the answer.
Disney fairytales have us to believe in a perfect prince charming and the happily perfect after
I have been married for 23 years the mom or parents and share three great sons. My eldest son is in the navy and i it has been very hard. My role is evolving as a mom and wife. We also own a landscape construction company and my husband and also serves in the C.G reserves. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home 😮mom. Being a mom and being able to be around my sons and all their friends was priceless. We sacrificed and sent the boys to catholic school. Which is the public school of yesterday year. Because i was home it also made it possible for me to be able to help build, support and be the back bone of the family and business. I struggled with happiness sometimes and thought sometimes i was always last on the list. Yet the more I watch my kids friends gravitate to my home, the more i see just how much staying together is so important for not just us but everything and everyone. Marriage is hard and it is sometimes lonely. Such is life. When i was down and wanted to walk my husband reeled me back in, and vice versa. We totally live in a self absorbed society. These are emotions and they are fleeting. Grass is not greener. I am so happy we have stayed together. It would have been blown to pieces. It would affect so many other people. More people need to see this.
I just found Dr. John Delony yesterday and I have to say I already feel a sense of healing.
I’ve been in therapy a while for healing childhood traumas. What I haven’t focused so much on is how my mother cheating on my dad and causing their divorce in my adult life has impacted me. Thank you both!
After 17 years, finally left my husband after he had multiple affairs throughout that time. Funny how after we split, he started dating his "therapist". Not sure who is crazier, him or her. 😂
Good for you!
This is by far the best interview on marriage I’ve ever heard, and I’ve listened to plenty! You asked all the questions I was thinking about and more! Thank you!!!
Omg I listen to Dr. Delony every day!!! Has helped me so much. Two of my faves❤
I've been married 23 years. We've never discussed or even approached divorce. I'm not sure what the secret is, other than to say it seems to be all based on what your attitude is.
AHHHHH THE COLAB WE ALL NEEEED OMG
Probably my favourite episode from you yet! I love the passion that John has when it comes to marriage - it was awesome to listen to. 🥰
This was an amazing podcast!! I love Dr. Delony’s advice and insights.
Thank you for doing the two podcasts in a week! Please, no pressure, but I remember you were hoping to do two weekly, so I really appreciate it. Hope you and your family are having a light-filled peaceful good Happy New Year, Lila! Thank you for being a light in the world.
I just subscribed to this channel. I found this interview so nourishing at a crucial time in my life after 20 years of marriage. Thank you so much for your show Lila. Keep up the good work and I can’t wait for the next video!
I love him! He is such a genuine and good man. He exudes authenticity, and it is much appreciated.
SOLID podcast. Every minute was full of excellent, rich truth.
I couldn't disagree more. Jonny D gives the worst advice to men I've ever heard but it tickles the ears of his female audience.
Ooo can’t wait to watch this! John Delony is so insightful!!
I really needed to hear this today. So many of these points hit home, and really helps reaffirms that I’m with my person and we are both working to build a beautiful life together on our terms. Thank you ❤
Thank you so much for taking the time to interview John. There are many helpful ideas to reflect on. May God continue to bless your intellect and both your marriages.
I’ve been married 5 years and we have two children under 3. It’s tough but trying to make progress as a husband and father. Thank you guys for being honest and encouraging.
nick, my advice to you would be don't listen to any of this. This advice will have your wife telling you in another 5 years "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
@@PostMillMan I’m interested to hear what parts of the conversation you disagree with. I can’t think of anything they said that’s problematic for my relationship and I think Dr. John has lot of legitimate experience to draw on.
@@PostMillMan you should tell your wife that that's perfectly normal in a long term relationship..we don't and can't 'stay in love' constantly. But if you still love the other person then you keep going until you do fall in love again...and out again and back in again.
@@jenster29 how long have you been married hun?
@@nickbailey7429 th-cam.com/video/tM-3dSAKa7Q/w-d-xo.html
Thank you for this, we need more of this type of content 🎉
This was a great listen been with my husband going on 13yrs married for almost 7 we have lost a child and have 2 living sons one with special needs its not easy but loving my husband is. I can see from others marriages how they fail because they dont have a partner in life. I truly feel like my husband is my partner❤
You are also an obviously grateful person.
So glad to hear the criticism of The Notebook. If someone likes that movie, it's a major red flag 🚩
Better sex than ever at age 40. My wife has learned exactly what drives me crazy and I am beyond honored to have her love me physically and in every area of life. She gets my all and more than fifteen years after we married, it is still an amazing adventure. Hard? Yes! But oh so worth it. Give each other 100%, not 50/50.
15 years means your youngest child is old enough to give you enough space for intimacy? That's the hard part about having little kids around! ;-)
@@pwmsensitive Gotta get creative! :D
So it's all about you?
Do you reciprocate to your wife? Because you mentioned nothing whatsoever about that.
The question is are you pleasing her just as much ? Every time ? Wven when she's says it doesn't matter.... its matters
Two of my favorite podcasters!! 🤩
Great discussion - it is important that we challenge the way a lot of people view relationships as disposable...
After we had our daughter, I was really struggling with my postpartum weight. My husband always did his best to make me feel beautiful, and one night we did have a really difficult conversation (for me at least) where he told me he had to do better and change his perception of what "normal" looked like for a woman in my position, as a new mom. It definitely hurt me hearing that he also saw a physical change in me, because I also had this perception of how quickly I would go back to my pre-mom body and how I *should* look, but I did appreciate his candidness and it helped me realize that it was normal for my body to change a little after growing a whole human! Now I'm pregnant again and while I am still doing my best to stay healthy and move as much as I can, both my husband and I are really loving the changes my body makes to make room for a new human ❤
I hope others understand that people change for many reasons, they are still the same person. I've unfortunately watched loved ones waste away from disease and they were beautiful to me till their last breath, it was heartbreaking but I would stand with them again. Sending you best wishes
What I dislike about stories like this is what where the men expecting? Obviously you’re body will change after pushing a big baby out of a small hole. I think sometimes men just really aren’t aware or they downplay the effects of pregnancy.
@@gk3330 What are men expecting? The average woman is 5'4" and 170lbs in America. That is obese according to a BMI chart. Men have fairly low expectations already.
He is most likely saying that he had to change his perception because he doesn't find you very attractive anymore and wants you to lose weight, but he doesn't want you to be mad at him and thus stop having sex with him. It's a delicate balance the modern husband has to walk. Honestly though, any husband who has that conversation with their wife (too fat, not attractive) is complete dummy. Only conflict will result.
@@PostMillMan Yikes bro, this isn't a good look for you. My husband has always found me attractive, and he would feel comfortable enough to tell me if I was getting to an unhealthy weight and needed to really change my habits (even if it might hurt my feelings, because he loves me and wants the best for me). I've never had severely unhealthy habits, I never got to an unhealthy weight. My body changed shape because my organs shifted during pregnancy and women have different body types and hold excess weight differently. Even women who don't gain an excessive amount of weight during pregnancy (which can also be normal) have to get used to their body after having a baby. My husband was merely pointing out that he had never experienced or understood the changes pregnancy and childbirth have on women's bodies, and he had to shift his mindset formed by society that a woman's body can and should stay the exact same throughout their entire life. Thankfully, my transition to motherhood has actually made him find me more attractive than before, something quite a lot of men tend to find.
thank you for bringing up the fiction book love story ideal that so many people are blindly following… it messes with your head so much. incredibly important to note
Loved this talk!! Thank you so much for this, it is so insightful!
Wow! 11/10 episode i didn't know I needed!!
Love Dr John! ❤ This was a great show!
Thank you for having Dr John on! He is SO awesome and soooooooooooooo cute LOL😊😊😊😊
Amazing. I like this type of content because I want to know the tools before I get married
I was with the wrong person for 10 years. We didn’t marry bc he didn’t want to. We didn’t have kids bc he didn’t want to. We fought non stop and I was unhappy, but tried to make it work for years.
I realized with the help of a friend that I wanted more. I wanted kids, but I knew it would be miserable to have kids with him.
It took a lot of planning and time and was not easy, but I left. I loved him and tried so hard, but no matter how much I tried it didn’t work, so I had to go
Later on I met my now husband who is kind and gentle, wonderful in every way. We don’t fight. We get along so well and we have a beautiful son together
I never would have met my now husband if I had stayed.
Looking back I now see and understand that my ex was a narcissist and no matter what I did he was not ever happy with me, I was never good enough
I’m so glad I left. I truly believe that you can be with the wrong person and should leave so that you can find the right one for you
We did not have children (thank god) so leaving was less complicated and I did not have to consider the impact on children. I can tell you that having children with my ex would have made my life unbearable and I would have been miserable, along with mental, emotional and physical abuse towards any children that we would have had
I’m so glad I left
People learn a lot from TH-cam more days instead of books, so you're both changing the culture!
I disagree on The Notebook. They were constantly fighting yet tried to stay together. Wouldn't it have been for Allie's manipulative ambitious mother, she would never have even attempted to be satisfied with anyone else.
Random: but your intro music bit at the current audio levels is a very nice touch and adds to your videos. Nice work!
Aww thanks!
@@LilaRosePodcast I'm curious if you saw my questions about Justin Waller well in case you didn't I'll ask now when you were talking to him was he easy to read? or did you prepare in advance for his type of argument? I'm a fan of neither of you but you did get the best of him and I appreciate a smart argument I'm just curious if this comes naturally to you or you educated yourself on how to argue through book learning
We need to remember that a covenant is NOT a Contract! A contract means “if one of us breaks the terms, it’s cancelled.” A covenant is deeper than that. It’s spiritual. It means that regardless of what happens, if I break the covenant by EXITING, may what happen to this animal (Old Testament lingo for when they would dice it up and burn it) happen to me.
My husband and I did not have good examples of marriage. Like at all. We knew that, so from day 1, we started reading, we attend conferences for marriage, we take marriage courses at church, we get incremental counseling just to do a health check. Now we are coaches at our church. During arguments, one of us usually brings it down by saying our affirmation: “I love you, I’m in covenant with you, and you are not my enemy.”
I love this conversation.
Oh love this collab
Whaaaaaaat!!!!! Both of my favorites!!!!!!!! Yes !!!!
53:26 I'm naturally extroverted and easy going and "girl next door" cute. I really want to be everybody's friend and get along and love everybody.
It was great in my early 20s because I was popular in all the groups and I could date just about anybody I wanted. I was very pop- culture and dressed like a "cute girl" , hung out in popular places like concerts and bars and typical young adult behaviors.
As I matured and wanted more and got more serious about life, I realized that I drew attention that I didn't intend, and didn't want. It complicated everything and caused a lot of problems for people, including myself, just being my normal self. I didn't really know how to not be "normal" baseline me , and didn't think it was right that I needed to change myself.
After being hurt, hated, causing hurt, and just being careless and insensitive, I learned that there's a RESPONSIBILITY to having clear boundaries. I HAD TO reign in my naturally friendly personality because OTHER PEOPLE don't have control and boundaries and maturity. Sometimes YOU have to see when someone has an unintended crush on you and do them a favor by staying AWAY from them. You have to reign in that gregarious personality because you don't want to get in the middle of something you never even had a clue you were in the middle of!! Sometimes the best friend you can be is NOT BEING A FRIEND AT ALL.
Respect other people's commitments and relationships. Turn them back around to the person they should be giving their attention to.
Somewhere in that journey, I was saved and my heart and mind were renewed in Christ. I now have an even more serious view of relationships and responsibility.
But at the time, BC, "Before Christ" in my life, just that revelation of NOT accidentally being a temptress when I had no intention of flirting in any way at all, was a HUGE epiphany!
What a great host!
I believe attraction is a choice too. We have natural tendencies, but you can focus on good or bad or choose to be focused or not too.
Love is an action verb.
I am trying to change my feelings for my husband of 33 years. I have felt devalued and neglected for at least 20 of those years. My husband is extremely selfish and lazy. He will only do something for me if others are watching or he gets something out of it. Everything is about his wants and needs. He is not abusive but I feel completely unloved. Vacations are all what he wants. He has children from his first marriage that he has no real relationship with no interest on his part. People on the outside is who he pleases because he wants people to see him as this wonderful guy. When I have stepped outside to sit on the porch or feed the animals if I don't take a key he has locked me out of the house and left several times even when he knew I was outside. When I tried to remind him please don't lock me out he would blow up at me. He would invite people to dinner and not ask me first he does not cook or do anything in the home. He is not a partner does not show me respect or value. He won't listen to me when I try to explain how what he does makes me feel he gets mad at me. I am too demanding. To get an idea of how he thinks he brought two women to our house from his office to pick out some artwork we have hanging in our home that they thought would look good at the office. I was never consulted. This is the sum total of the man I am married to. I just don't want to be around him and sometimes just hate him. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior. I feel trapped and miserable
Pray to God, ask for wisdom and he will show you what to do. A good Christian counselor or any good counselor could be very helpful too. I am so sorry you are going through this I am praying for you. Do not be afraid to ask for help and reaching out to a professional might be a good first step. 🙏🙏🙏
This hurts my heart! I was married for 30 years and just divorced him in December. My details were completely different, except for the fact that when I was hurt by him (cheating, betrayal and deceit) he could Never understand me, respond back to me with anything and would completely ignore me and want me to be quiet. I tried so very hard for years and years and was met with complete silence or defensiveness. He did not care about me! And this is extremely painful when they couldn’t care less about anything we feel or say IF it has to do with them and their behaviors. This is not a partner or a marriage. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced and you not being heard or valued.
You should divorce him
It's time to go. He's never going to change, just get worse.
Praying and begging is not going to "fix" your husband. He is a malignant Narssisist. Divorce him.
I agree with Dr. John's statement: you shouldn't care of your feelings, instead you should focus on facts and logic.
My spouse left after years of imbalance, me going all in. Him with just one toe in the door. After he left, I was able to move forward without regret because he painted such a clear picture of what was possible in the dynamic.
Loved this episode! ❤
I love having single friends.. they remind me that running is NOT the only the answer.
I always thought the notebook was a horrible movie too!
The 20 seconds leading up to this 10:05 amen!!
I like everything you both share in this very helpful and informative podcast. Love is definitely a choice and is hard work. However, I would suggest Lilah go back and rewatch "The Notebook," because that movie is an accurate description of how difficult and complicated love can be, and even Ryan Gosling's character warns Rachel McAdams's character concerning how hard they are both going to have to work as a team to have a thriving healthy relationship if she chooses to leave her fiancé for him. She does, in fact, break off the engagement to her fiance' once she encounters her true love (Gosling) again after years of separation due to misunderstandings and meddling and controlling from her mother. In the end, their love is strong and enduring; tremendously sacrificial as they are confronted with mental illness.
When they were still young, I do not think they acted emotionally immature aside from giving into sexual temptation before marriage (It's Hollywood. ) She, ultmately made the wisest and best choice for her before making the mistake of entering into a lifelong covenant marriage while being "in love" with another man. She was smart. The problem in real life that arises in marriages is when the partners act emotionally immature and engage in adultery outside of marriage because they let their feelings reign. Feelings ebb and flow, and once you've committed in covenant before God, you have promised to work through everything regardless of feelings. God warns us to keep our promises/covenants.And, with God's help, any marriage can be restored. The Bible teaches that a three stranded cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12
My mother cheated on my father, and my brother and I had to be raised by a single mother. Who allowed many different men in our home. And our father never came around. Now as a mother my daughter has no grandparents 💔 our decision and choices we make effect the lives of our children.
Infidelity 100% affects the children for more than 1 generation.
My friend went through a similar situation and her kids have NO relationship with ‘Grandpa’ who cheated and blew up the family.
All of this dive into what 'marriage involves' should be required as part of the 6 month 'Marriage prep' required of Catholic couples before their exchange of vows.
At our nuptial Mass Fr. Told us " Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition---- it's 100/100. It's about commitment. Communication, and a HUGE dose (taken daily) of. CONSIDERATION. Saying often to your husband/wife "Thank you".
Pretty 'simple' stuff really--- the
new will wear off of you let it----
mistaken notion of you think it will just be a 'given'.
Tenderness and 'special moments' are endearing. Our 'us-ness'----a concept to PROTECT as life unfolds day by day.
I saw a T-shirt on a guy, walking with his wife and a couple of their kiddos--- it said. "she's my QUEEN"
Keep God front and center ----companions on this journey.
My two favorites!❤
30:15 "The One" will be ALL IN
Fun pairing!
John's advice to most callers in a nutshell is "Go to breakfast." "Write yourself a letter." 😂
I have a question when you were talking to justin waller a while back did you get a read on him during the podcast? or did you do research on him before doing the "whatever podcast" to prepare for his type of argument? That's two questions 🤣
Lila what are your thoughts on infidelity? Would you encourage someone to stay in a marriage after cheating?
Retrouvaille is a wonderful option for repairing marriage.
What do you do when you have hard conversation with your spouse about the very real and good things you and the family needs and the response is… “I’m not able to do that… that isn’t me… I’m not compatible with marriage”? Seems fundamentally impossible if a person doesn’t even want to try to live up to marriage basics.
Well, the secular answer is to "find your true self" and "do what makes you happy" or some other such trite meaningless phrase.
I'm afraid the mature answer is that you grieve the picture of what you thought marriage would be and accept what marriage is.
If you're not being abused, which would mean you leave, then you stay and adjust your mental picture to how life actually is, find fulfillment in friends, volunteer work, hobbies, and your kids.
Your life can still be rich without waiting for your spouse to fulfill you.
Of course, you still do what you can to build intimacy and an emotional connection, but you can only control you. Can't control what your spouse does.
It is a sad situation but sometimes it's the reality
@@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimalbut then you're going to spend the next 40 years lonely and unloved. There can't be intimacy if you know the other person actually wants out.
That becomes a prison sentience for both people
@@jenster29 I pretty much addressed that in my original comment.
Make friends. Volunteer. Develop hobbies. Your life can be rich even if it's not the picture you expected.
Society is worse off for the message that has been pushed the last half century that you can abandon your commitments to find happiness.
@@scroogemcduckismyspiritanimalsometimes the most loving thing you can do is leave your spouse. If you’ve done anything and everything to save your marriage and your spouse doesn’t want to work at the marriage. The marriage won’t work. It takes two, there’s even a very wholesome game about two divorcing parents on gaming consoles called “It Takes Two” because that what’s it takes.
What you’re telling her isn’t all bad but she’ll essentially be living her own separate life.
It is impossible if your spouse doesn’t want to work at the marriage. I would say do everything and everything to save your marriage; but at some point you have to ask yourself “is a one-sided marriage what I desire for the rest of my life?”
Then you have to sit down with your spouse and ask him just like John said “are we going to stay married? Are we going to keep doing this because we can’t keep being married like we are. So are we going to call it or are we going to keep moving forward?”
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is leave your spouse. An emotionally lazy spouse that refuses to change and refuses to put in effort has already divorced you with their actions.
The Notebook is a stupid movie but the movie Gosling was in when her net his wife, Eva Mendes is interesting.
And relations after 40 years old and years into marriage is incredible!!
Always ‘I can’t breathe when you…’. The victim hood and drama is beyond. One podcast he told a wife to tell her CHURCH JANITOR that she ‘can’t breathe when he walks in with dirt on his shoes’. There is zero chance of a great marriage with both parties claiming they will die if their spouse does or doesn’t do something. But there he goes - behavior is a language and I guess if your spouse can’t breathe, then that is the ultimate weapon to leverage against your enemy. Er, spouse.
10000000000%
Ester actually said we have 4 or so great LOVES.. not lives. However, i like the sentiment either way 😊
People get married to an image, not a real person. Sometimes it's not even an image of their spouse but of them being married. You have to always marry a friend first, having feelings helps too, but you need to have real trust, be able to open up and not feel ashamed or scared they will leave you. If you have that, it is possible to talk and as a result maintain a great relationship throughout. Not so many people actually have such trust..I still think you can try to get there even after a while in marriage.
One of the reasons people don't have such trust is because they never learned how to create a bond..not with their parents, who were never there or with other kid when they were kids/teens.
The postpartum thing, even if it's not a problem for the husband, is hard for the wife not to feel she needs to "bounce back" by her 8-week app, and it's just not realistic. There are physical and painful scars, and it's impossible to gym with a newborn. When my daughters grown i will advise her of the 9 month rule, 9 to create, 9 to heal, and 9 to rehabilitate. There shouldn't be any pressure to bounce back within 8 weeks
"Feelings are designed to keep you safe."
13:37
It was fun how she connotating negatively how women leave more often than men, but then 15 mins later, Dr Delony explains, women suffer greatly financially after a divorce, therefore women dont really leave for light reasons.
That is correct. Women would rather be poor than be in a toxic marriage.
Furthermore the statistic is women who FILE, which may be different than the man initiating the divorce
I'm Hispanic and so is my husband. But I was born here and have a growth mindset and he dosnt. Most Hispanics get married and that's it. I don't only that but also believe working at marriage making it fulfilling for both of us. My husband does not care as long as the bills are paid and he has that image of being married.....
Which study says women initiate divorce more? Just wondering
They confuse filing and initiating. In many cases its the men initiating but not filing, until she eventually does
@LilaRosepodcast would Dr. John comsider coming back to talk pro-life issues. I know he has callers on show that uave grieved abortions, have broken relationships over choosing life etc and I think it would be valuable if he would explore that with you
But sometimes it IS happines in another relationship.... I had a horrible marriage, no kids, got divorced and im so happy now. Beautifull woman, sex, relationship in stead of staying with a woman that was geint older, ugglier and always argued. Now i also have kids, life is great.
The problem is inevitable two people find themselves and an impass with a high level item- he's ruining us financially, she won't provide sex, etc. People would rather live apart than be punished continually for the rest of time by the heard heart of the other.
I struggle to advocate for divorce per se. However, when the marriage has abuse and/or very destructive elements where neither partners or only 1 partner refuses to truly seek appropriate help then divorce becomes the only solution.
What is a person suppose to do in a sexless marriage? How do you build a good marriage without sex?
You focus on literally every other aspect of your marriage and making it better. Sex is an outcome of love not a requirement.
Rule out depression and hormone issues. But for me, the desire for sex is based on our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical (nonsexual) connection/intimacy. Having that firm foundation of God, mercy & grace, prayer, bible study, and fellowship is vital. Feeling safe enough to be honest and vulnerable with each other about where we've been, where we are, and where we want to go. Then physically, there's flirting, kisses, making out just because, hugs, holding hands, cuddles, massages after a long day, etc. Then there's doing your best to maintain physical upkeep by eating relatively healthy, staying active. Evaluate all aspects of the relationship to identify the root of the problem. Then work through it with help if needed. But you need two willing participants.
I left my husband due to him not being interested in sex
@@wyleecoyotee4252
Do you not believe in commitment?
Did you not promise ‘For better / For worse?’
If a man did that people would call him Shallow Hal!
@@user-ex3mx7hk4l
Middle aged men leave their middle aged wives all the time for younger women.
God commanded us to rest on the seventh day. And the seventh day has always been Saturday ❤
Jesus fulfilled the law.
Love is the fulfillment of the law. Owe no one anything, except to love one another, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law
Romans 13
@GodSoLoved.Yeshua how can you follow the spirit of the Law without also following the letter? Can i love my neighbor and steal from them?
God wrote the moral law, the 10 commandments in stone. Why do we keep all 10 except the 4th one? Did God make a mistake when he wrote the 4th commandment as part of the 10 commandments in stone?
Matthew 5:17-20
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
@@GodSoLoved.Yeshua God says. If you love me, keep my commandments. The 4th commandment was written by God in stone. The seventh day commemorates that God created the earth in 6 days and rested on the seventh and invited Mankind to enjoy the same rest and fellowship together with their creator. ❤️
I’ve tried watching her podcasts but I feel like she’s not a good interviewer. She doesn’t acknowledge the guest’s ideas and more often she says “but”….and follows with a question. The topics she wants to discuss I feel like doesn’t flow based on the last topic.
I do like watching her podcast, but I do agree with you on this one. She doesn't acknowledge much and moves on quickly to the next question.
I never liked The Notebook either.
I hated Nicholas sparks films it's not a Love of a pure heart
People in the world put dates on the calendar, I don’t know why anyone thinks looking forward to time out/date night/alone time/open for sex time would be be lame.
How do you pick a woman who's not going to "lose feelings," or be ruled by them?
Find someone you can agree with on three things: religion, politics, and lifestyle. If you're both looking in the same direction and want the same things from life you will both have more to invest than just feelings
@@valentinei89 picking someone based on politics and even religion I don’t think is the answer. It’s nice when they match but they can change, and I’ve seen half my family change their views in the last 5 years. I have turned a 180 based on religion and politics from my partner but it’s not what defines our marriage.
Finding a person that has the same values in commitment, hard work, and willing to compromise. For example, my wife is not religious but encourages me
To raise our kids in a religious home regardless. I was not religious when we met. Values are important, do you want kids, live in city or country, how we raise
Our kids. The basics are important but that’s where compromise comes in play when not everything you agree on comes in play.
Find a woman after the heart of Jesus ❤️
God is good. As a wife I'm called to submit to my husband, I can guarantee you if I did not love God I'd be out.
Follow Jesus. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not in your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
interview christien therepist david clarke about narssism
I think you can marry the wrong person, it's called being unevenly yoked. However it doesn't give the believer permission to leave them.
Great conversation. Thanks
But whats up with the devil horns ?
He plays guitar. Into punk rock. Problematic, but I don't know if he's a believer, and most believers don't realize how evil the majority of secular music is.
42:35 is the most important part of the video. Marriage today consists of telling men what they have to do for a happy marriage, and quickly glossing over what women have to do for a happy marriage. It's entirely on men, and if the marriage fails it's time to instantly blame the man. Churches and religious institutions are quick to tell men how to be good husbands, but reluctant to tell women how to be good wives.
The non stop ads
So as curious happily married vegetarian😂 I was hoping to find a few ideas to make my relationship even better. And the second minute I listen, this cadaver advertising comes in. I have no idea how this goes together and ppl will hate this comment, but please if you need advertising try something without murder, killing and endless suffering. There are NO good ranchers who kill their animals. Stop talking about God first and love when you support murder and suffering of the weakest species that need our help. I usually don't comment like this, but you seemed so sweet and I almost subscribed. I loved your podcast with Mrs. Komisar yesterday. Thought you were a wonderful mother, how then would you support animal mothers being seperated from their babies? They scream after their babies day and night and you support this. The human mother should not leave her baby for a more than a single to two hours and yet you think only humans have feelings and get traumatized? I am totally shocked, probably more because I was so amazed by you yesterday. Praying you reflect on this before you delete this. It is one thing if you can't give up meat and another to get others to participate in the suffering and pain of others. Please, get this off of your - I am sure otherwise helpful- podcast. And the blood off your hands. I beg you. Much love ❤
What do you think about lions, bears, eagles, owls etc?
Why is there a devil horns hand statue behind him? Random,? I don’t think so
Also, rock and roll is the trijan horse of the last 100 years. Gi read the lyrics to early r&b , blues, etc Many, many l3sbian Black singers with super graphic lyrics. Used to love the stuff. It will kill your soul.
Women are the more emotional being and therefore the majority of their behavior is feelings driven and not logic driven. One woman loves flowers because it feels like a sacrificial gift which feels safe and secure . A different woman gets flowers and feels terrible because an ex partner imprinted on her great pain years ago because when he cheated he would bring home flowers. The same behavior from a man can FEEL very different for different women. The man has no idea that one doesnt like flowers and when she doesnt have a heart felt thank you he percieves as bad response behavior and according to "manners" it is objectively bad behavior. When a person allows FEELINGS to overcome objectively proper behavior then the feeling itself is a dysfunction and therapeutic intervention should be sought to fix the dysfunctional feeling. Today we place an irrationally high value on feelings and so all kinds of dysfunctional behaviors follow along with justifications fir them. Its basically a crazy cycle. There is no way for a person to know all of the ways your going to feel about a given thing they do or dont do and besides your ferling might change based on what time of month it is or whats happening at work. Relationships that highly vslue feelings MUST be extremely transparent with regard to what they are feeling and why and how multiple combined issues (algorythm) change and impact your feelings. Otherwise the relationship wont work. Since very few people have the insights, introspection, honesty, openness, and valnerability to articulate the intricacies of there feelings then there spouse is left to guess or concede not knowing and to think about other more pleasant things in life. But, of course that might FEEL like indifference, not caring, unloved, and so in that situation you both loose also.. It all seems a bit helpless doesnt it. It goes right back to you make yourself happy and dont depend on someone else for that. Also if you have a goal to be married and raise a child for 18 years do so for any reason EXCEPT because you feel good with the person or they make you feel good. Have a child with someone who is easy to get along with by objective standards not how you feel about their companionship and then be sure that you are the very best that they can do in terms of all the attraction cues
book by bishop fulton shern three people in a wedding God and the wife and the husband everybody else is an outsider
It is a marriage the day you say "i do" trust comes and go with hurts but it does not nulify the marriage. If only one is standing for the vows its still a marriage. If both promise and commit the day of marriage and both lose trust they are still married in the eyes of God based on the vows made to Him, for better or worse. Marriage is a Sacrament. To give power to current situations to determine validity of marrige takes away the accountability of the vows made to God and usurps God when people claim authority over their marriage and its dissolveability. Christ preached on this.
Well said
So…. Get the state out of Marriage? Agreed.
As always dr delony brings it perfectly to the table!!! Sorry the co-host is not on point. Not a good match at all!! Dr. Delony struggling with most of her comments. For a good reason.