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I know this is all well-intended, but it irritates me that it's always women investing their emotional and mental energy into learning how to have better relationships with men and not the other way around. That's why I'm just opting out. I'm so done with the one-sided nature of the entire thing. All that labor I have put into learning about partner relationships and dealing with unhealed men that only exist to take could have gone into building up my own life. Men are just not worth the work. I'm better off on my own and investing into quality relationships with women friends and community.
I know he doesn't because he tells me every day not to be a bother and to give him space. I'm not even allowed to text or call him. We haven't had a nonsuperficial conversation in 15 years. And the worst part is that he is perfectly happy with this situation.
I tried everything you said in your videos, using logic and fair language I gave him space and made my expectations clear and measurable but all I got was more coldness, vague ,short msgs only check in msgs, morning, good night, how are you lol 😅 I explained to him about attachment styles offered him to send your avoidant videos asked him to give me feedback and of it resonates I'm ready to support him in following the method you presented, next day he said I watched one of the videos and it's very interesting 😅 as if I sent it for entertainment, I kindly reminded him that the purpose is to work together to deepen our relationship, he kept my msg unread the whole day then sent good night at 00🤭 Today as if nothing happened he sent his usual cold msg Good morning Did you sleep well ? Later he sent : are you feeling better I replied: I feel a bit drained what about you? He said he's fine and ignored my feelings status So I sent him an assertive msg that this relationship does not feel right and I can't keep suppressing my needs walking over my boundaries I asked him a straightforward question Are you genuinely interested in making this relationship work and invest efforts, time and work on emotional availability following the provided method (by Adam Alane smith) If yes;I will support you If no , you will never hear from me again He replied rudely that he's a busy man he exercise while I do nothing except staying home ...and accused me of bad things which is not true I was calm in my replies I told him that I know that his subconscious mind is the one creating false accusations about me to justify his unfair behaviors, I forgave him and I sent him more videos of your channel while not expecting anything in return, and I offered my support as a friend if he needs it otherwise I clearly stated that I'm not going to reach out to him again
I tried everything you said in your videos, using logic and fair language I gave him space and made my expectations clear and measurable but all I got was more coldness, vague ,short msgs only check in msgs, morning, good night, how are you lol 😅 I explained to him about attachment styles offered him to send your avoidant videos asked him to give me feedback and of it resonates I'm ready to support him in following the method you presented, next day he said I watched one of the videos and it's very interesting 😅 as if I sent it for entertainment, I kindly reminded him that the purpose is to work together to deepen our relationship, he kept my msg unread the whole day then sent good night at 00🤭 Today as if nothing happened he sent his usual cold msg Good morning Did you sleep well ? Later he sent : are you feeling better I replied: I feel a bit drained what about you? He said he's fine and ignored my feelings status So I sent him an assertive msg that this relationship does not feel right and I can't keep suppressing my needs walking over my boundaries I asked him a straightforward question Are you genuinely interested in making this relationship work and invest efforts, time and work on emotional availability following the provided method (by Adam Alane smith) If yes;I will support you If no , you will never hear from me again He replied rudely that he's a busy man he exercise while I do nothing except staying home ...and accused me of bad things which is not true I was calm in my replies I told him that I know that his subconscious mind is the one creating false accusations about me to justify his unfair behaviors, I forgave him and I sent him more videos of your channel while not expecting anything in return, and I offered my support as a friend if he needs it otherwise I clearly stated that I'm not going to reach out to him again
Not with the right person! 😂 you can’t heal people! Move on to healthier people! Now once confronted if he wants to do the work ..doubtful then stick around but time frame is impirtant
i appreciate that Adam is saying we shouldn’t give in to them wanting ice cream (distance) all the time, but wanting to connect causes them to pull away violently as well, calling them out on their behaviour is taken as an attack no matter how patient you are or how repetitively you remind them that you don’t blame them. damned if you do, damned if you don’t
@@katieandnick4113 Get a therapist dafuc. This is not anyone else’s responsibility. Also that is not true, I know people can heal on their own. Do you have proof that this theory is accurate. Did you do a study on it? How was the study done? Who verified it?…people just say anything and think it’s correct.
@@katieandnick4113 oh so a narcissist and a sociopath require a punching bag to heal. You can’t be serious 🤦🏻♀️ those are both created not born. Hmm I guess that theory you have has issues huh
@@aurakl2407 Read my comments above. Yes, this dude seems to norrmalize avoidant traits, whereas these are highly highly dysfunctional and take a toll on the avoidant's partner's mental/emotional health.
@@katieandnick4113 You seem to be a hardcore codependent, lady! Equally flawed, you believe in half-circle relationships, but these are dysfunctional to their core!
I just can't do it. I can't be a mind ninja, mind reader, ultra mindful nurturing person catering to his childhood wounds. I have childhood wounds too, and that's why I go out of my way to be considerate. Save yourself the work so you can grow and have the satisfying relationship that resonates with you. The avoidant wants to AVOID work, therefore they don't deserve your love. PERIOD. They need therapy.
They will use what they learn in therapy to be more effective at being a toxic & abusive partner. They have to want therapy because they hate that they have no control over their emotions & don't want to keep ruining their relationships.
I agreed. I tried everything I learn about fearful avoidant man, it only turns out he treated me way less than what I deserve because of his own sense of shame, insecurity and low self esteem issue, that to him seems to be too much work to actually work on to change.
How can someone fix something they dont even know is wrong in the first place. The moment he ACTUALLY understand that something is actially wrong with him, then he actually will try to work it out. Speaking from experience. Also why I'm alone and most likely will always be. My partner broke up with me a few months ago, it was a 10 years relationship. The fault was most likely mine. I see that and now I actually find this guy and how he described me perfectly in every single video so I now know what I actually am and what mmy problem is. And now I'm trying to change myself. I lost the girl of my life and thats something I'll have to live with forever.
@@lobobanguela6349 True. But things not working out is 1 Major Clue. And I'm sure there were Many things brought up to you before that. Either way, glad you finally got it and are working to fix it. As for the relationship, you Can go back and at least Try fixing that, too. Or in the least Apologize for your part. Without the typical Avoidant "Oh well, I fucked her up. So Next!"
@@lobobanguela6349 I'm sure your girl told you multiple times in that 10 years that something was wrong. I am really sad for your loss. This is hard for you I'm sure and trust me, it was also extremely painful for her
@JonathanVachon777 thank you.girls can't fix a tire let alone thier own insecurities with out the narcissist word or the abuser word or the gaslight word being thrown around for anything that doesn't go thier way
I now understand why the fearful avoidant guy I was dating told me he thought I was controlling. When I asked him to give me some examples, he couldn't. I am a secure attachment and dating this person was exhausting for me. He told me he didn't think we were a good match, I said fine and haven't talked to him since. Avoidant men need to work on their attachment wounds and heal their emotional trauma.
@@debbiewitthoft5339 my FA asked for a break because they were upset with ME after THEY stayed with me for a month when THEY initiatally asked to stay for 4 days (I wasn't "welcoming enough"). They're hurt and stuck people who use their silence / absence as a weapon and expect you to read minds. Run like Hell unless they're in counseling.
Adam did you hear what you said that she is sitting there wondering if she should chase him and he is sitting there, wondering, if she will chase him.That makes no damn sense.Ladies just heal yourselves and get with a secure man who doesn't make you do mental gymnastics. Ladies, we have to stop letting men play with us and our faces because of their own inadequacies, they can go and do the healing work on their own.And if not then why would we want to be with them. Listening to this stressed me out. Just how I was stressed out in the avoidant relationship. Please run ladies fast! Love yourself more. ❤❤
Honestly as an FA I will say when I’m in my avoidant side I do expect the anxious partner to reach out, because I know they will. If they don’t, I assume they don’t care about me. Yes it’s toxic I know but we all need healing. DAs are maybe less aware of this as they don’t have the perspective of an FA if they don’t have anxious tendencies
@@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch Stop throwing your fantasy around randomly in this space. I don't chase: I enter, I observe, I communicate, I assess, I argue (when the bottomless pit starts showing its pit black to me), and I leave; and then, I am cold and unshakeable.
No. It is just repair measures for those that have already had children or for those that are societal and environmental restricted to deal with such men. If you are young and childless, avoid such men at all costs.
@@JennaHasm even if you have children, Don't build men because you are showing bad examples for the children and especially the girls who will think that to be loved they have to fix a man. That is very wrong for their well being
Glad you brought up infidelity. A guy friend of mine used to call me every time his fiancé would “give him his space” to see if I’d sleep with him. 🙄🤦🏻♀️ I told him he either needs to love her or leave her. He married her and cheats.
No point in telling her the truth!? That’s cruel. Disgusting. She should know. Is it because he’s cheating with you? Like he was with you “on their break” which does not equal the right to sleep around.
He is afraid of my feelings , the idea of a relationship stresses Him Last time He came back then Ghosted I haven’t reached out . I can’t handle His lack of emotional intimacy I need more . I’ve let Him run this time He is hard work
I am very sorry to hear that. Just waiting can often make the problem worse as you might grow too distant from each other. If you need some immediate assistance, feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com -and we can discuss options to address the issue.
I know this is all well-intended, but it irritates me that it's always women investing their emotional and mental energy into learning how to have better relationships with men and not the other way around. That's why I'm just opting out. I'm so done with the one-sided nature of the entire thing. All that labor I have put into learning about partner relationships and dealing with unhealed men that only exist to take could have gone into building up my own life. Men are just not worth the work. I'm better off on my own and investing into quality relationships with women friends and community.
100%. I spent 17 years trying patiently to connect with my avoidant ex. I was able to convince him to go for counselling but for a year he kept insisting the problem was my anxiety. Eventually the counsellor spoke to both of us and explained it might help to see my partner for a few sessions on his own. I thought that was a really good idea. In the parking lot on the way out he said to me… see, even the counsellor doesn’t want you there because you won’t stay focused on the real issue… your anxiety. Within a few weeks of leaving him I wasn’t anxious anymore. I do miss him but there’s no way I would put myself through that again. I grieved the loss of relationship while I was with him now I’m grieving the lost years.
I totally agree with you! I'm listening to this thinking about how this sounds like a professional therapist's job (which my boyfriend is not interested in at all). It's not my project to try and fix him! I've tried bringing up these topics to talk about and shared so many videos for him to listen to. Nothing sticks. Why is this type of content always targeted toward women and never the men! Who is out there teaching men how to heal and care for their woman?
@@dazzlingandbrash I see videos that are targeted to men, but it does seem that most are for women and I agree, it's exhausting being the only one to do anything to make the relationship work. I'm on my second marriage. My husband was great for the first year or so. Then he stopped trying. He would just sit around playing video games. I told him several times that I needed him to make more effort and eventually I started filling out applications for apartments and I told him I was going to move out. He still did nothing. When I moved out, he finally started taking action. Or at least he says he is. I don't know, I go back for my stuff and he'll stop whatever he's doing to talk to me. But I haven't noticed much as far as him cleaning the house or learning to cook. Yeah, in his 40s and doesn't know how to cook. Doesn't drive. He has been finally reading articles about the issues he has. But I feel like with all the effort I put in through the years just for my concerns to be dismissed, it's too little, too late. And I fear that if I go back to him, things will go back to the way they were. I just don't want to go through it again.
Thanks for this at last. I kept hearing on TH-cam to be patient... they will come back just give them space. A couple of months after I went no contact at the request of my avoidant-ex he took his own life. Even since I have been troubled about how I could have prevented the tragedy. I now realise that the man could not love and I was not a part of what overwhelmed him. They seem so strong but are on the edge of despair. No wonder women are so drawn to them.
@priscillaallen5276 - Bless You. I am so sorry this happened. I truly hope you don't blame yourself, yet I guess a part of you thinks "If only I had..." I doubt there was anything you could have done to help him, other than suggest he went to therapy. If things in his life had him so depressed that he thought his only option was to permanently leave, no-one really knows what is going on in someone's life. Please don't ever blame yourself for not doing enough, as I am sure he knew you loved him, and that you both shared good times together when he was able to allow himself to do so. Yes, it is the opposite of men being drawn to women who need saving, the 'Damsel in Distress Syndrome.' Those of us with big Hearts wanting to care and protect others. No joke - I think to alleviate part of the void of filling that 'need' to assist would be helped by us having a dog or cat to take care of. I wish you all the best. Sending you a hug. Much Love, Anita xxx 🌹❤️🥰🏴🇬🇧
Avoidants aren’t connected to anyone. They have insecure attachments(not connections) to their families, and their friendships are shallow and non threatening(if they have friends. Many avoidants don’t). Connection requires vulnerability, and they are terrified of vulnerability. It’s not their fault, obviously. It’s just something they can’t currently do.
@Alixir1228they'd have to know and understand their Avoidant attachment for that. Can't make a choice if the choice is completely unknown to them on a conscious level. If you expect someone to change *to* something without knowing what they are changing *from* than perhaps you are the other side of that dysfunctional coin that needs it's own bit of changing.
@@jessecortez9449 They do know that there's sth wrong, the last avoidant I just blocked yesterday (from ALL platforms, finally) knew he has issues like that. I tried helping him educate himself too: Just too f****ng passive about therapy or self-education! Thought it's best to leave him 'hanging stuck in the mid on the long valley zipline' (as I'd tell him I would see him and also myself, when with him).
That is so true,tied of trying to give him all the space,he gives one sentence answers, greyrocking,silent treatment, stonewalling and it kills me!!😢😢😢😢😢
I've been through the same, 5 months I suffered before I truly gave up. Silly me. That was my mistake for staying for so long. He never feel like he needs to apologize for the damage he did to me. He gave me all irritations and rudeness, even I just bumped to him around the work place and talked to other people at work, said he felt surrounded. I walked away from him for good. Can't take more damage from someone like this anymore. So toxic. I used to be a happy person and I miss that so much.
This advice is for avoidants willing to change and build a healthy bond for themselves with you. My husband had avoided serious relationships and dating much in general when I met him at 39. I didn't know of attachment theory yet then. But I'd become very self-aware and more secure after my previous divorce. I did not push him for anything. I was clear that I was not interested in long term (past 2 years) dating. We've struggled with communication and handling conflict but he's never needed more than a few hours or maybe the day to take space to analyze or regulate. It's been 3 years total, we're married as of last year. Our marriage and family are his top priority. We're best friends and lovers.
He doesn't seem so avoidant... taking a few hours or a day is not avoidant to me. Taking 4 days or more, is yea getting on the ridiculous wasting my time deal
The woman I'm currently speaking with actually endeared me by giving me space early when I asked for it, despite her not wanting it herself. When I came back, and especially when she later mentioned her own fears of loss of connection - it sunk in for me that she was willing to put her wants aside for what she perceived to be my needs. Now, she gets regular, consistent communication without having to ask, because I know I can trust her to give me a little breathing room if I get overwhelmed without giving up on me completely, and she is there to engage my emotional needs as I share them (which, in turn, makes me want to service hers). That said - needing months or years of space before committing is beyond anything I've ever felt I needed, so this is probably still great advice for severe avoidance, and I'm more the exception that proves the rule.
@ I voiced beforehand that I needed a little space, so I was hoping for isolation versus a check up. Had I simply vanished, I would not have been able to reasonably hold it against her to check up on me. Communication is key, both offering and receiving.
Married 45 years to an avoidant man, and only just beginning to learn how to work with it. Giving him space, more and more, having him take long trips, especially when the kids were little, only made me learn to cope entirely on my own. When I asked for love, he literally pushed me away and gaslighted me (you're the problem, too needy). I learned to by happy by getting my needs met in other family relationships, women's bible studies, etc. With the kids all grown and gone, the loneliness can be crushing. Our only "shared experiences" are watching TV (which is what he chooses when we "spend time together"), even while we eat. He says he wants our relationship to improve but comes from a family of 7 sons where feelings were sissy at best and manipulative at worst. He refuses to think he is avoidant or abnormal in any way, and would never consider taking a course. Do you think I should take the course by myself and hope for a change in this 11th hour or not rock the boat at this point? He is 78 years old and I am 70.
THIS! BLESS YOU! I N E E D E D THIS. This was me you described. And even though I lost many years. And he is gone. Your work has brought me peace. Because finally, my experience with him is not some unfathomable uncomprensible horrible chaotic thing that sucks the life from me every day as I try to understand, because now, I finally do understand. I have clarity. Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou
This man does not miss. For the past year I’ve been giving time and space to my DA and it hasn’t gotten better. Then I decided to speak up even if it risked spoiling him. Idk if we’re closer but he’s more receptive and warm to me, saying he wants to make this work. Even going so far of admitting he has a problem and wants to go to therapy. Needless to say this is the most challenging and painful experience I’ve had with a partner. I have little hope this will work out and I’m mentally exhausted.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm happy to hear it's working and that you're seeing positive results. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com if you need support or help. I'd be happy to provide you with resources that empower you.
Adam this is exactly where my husband and I are going through. We are in couple s therapy and following her advice, we both feel that time, patience and space is making both of us feeling more distant and unhappy.
I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately just waiting around can often make the problem worse as you disconnect from each other too far. If you guys need some direct quick help, you’re welcome to send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com and we can talk options to get your marriage fixed up.
The best advice would be...heal yourself so you meet a non avoidant partner....investing in healing yourself is a higher return and control on your time investment... this though helps though to realise you are in the wrong relationship...so still helpful
@@AttachmentAdam 1.5 years. I couldn't afford to keep wasting time on him. If he thinks I'm moving on he rushes back to me. But it's the same again….. I have given up on men.
@@user-fn3sk3io8o 6mo behind in my comment, but i want you to know: i'm 36 and am in 18 yrs deep with mine. would've left a long time ago but he's 13 yrs into a cancer battle that keeps nearly taking him out. there ARE SO MANY BETTER MEN OUT THERE. sure i feel for him, but he has directly stated so many times he does not feel for me. he gives lots of toys, trinkets, gifts, favors, and bullshit though. always has my back if anyone else threatens me. but if i need a hug and demand it, he'll do it with such disgust it's almost hilarious, and helps me remember he's always worse off than me, really.
A certain type of DA (the manipulative one) doesn’t want to bond. They prefer the casual low pressure intimacy with female friends and co-workers which increases risk of infidelity. But once those people become the primary partner, a similar pattern prevails. You can’t have true intimacy with that type. Maybe with ethical Avoidants but not the other type.
@@johnny4062 in the context of a committed rela, If a partner detaches from a primary yet confides, flirts, entertains external attention they are in essence manipulating the situation to get their validation needs met while avoiding risk of vulnerability with a primary partner. Also the dopamine hits lessen with a familiar partner. They may get other benefits from them that they don’t want to lose but seek the dopamine from new/novel people outside the relationship.
True! You speak about people that split their need fulfillment between practical partnership (safety) and emotional needs (to be fulfilled elsewhere for safety reasons). Something like that is extremely hurtful to all parties. Mostly, this will be people that are somehow aware that they have emotional needs (more fearful avoidents) while at the same times being extremely afraid of emotions. Btw, they deserve compassion, too. I'm a fearful avoident. Stayed out of relationships for most of my life - and that isno solution either.
People think "they will find out in my absence" but people in love become irrational to the point they really overrate the emotional INTELLIGENCE of their partner. You would, he won't. ⚠️ Don't expect a fly to understand why honey is better than 💩. ⚠️ LOVE YOURSELF AND DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. Ask yourself instead, WHY DO YOU seem to love emotionally distant people?
I appreciate your input, but I encourage you to stay tuned for an upcoming video where I explain exactly what happens in the mind of an avoidant after a break up or some time of no contact.
@@AttachmentAdam Thanks, but the only ones who needs to "understand the avoidants" are themselves. The faded idea that feeds hopes of desperate people for another person to change makes me think I might be too healthy for this channel. FOLLOW ME THOSE OF GOOD WILL !
My recent ex Avoidant took space by starting tirades at me, getting annoyed over small things and then going on about it for hours. In a way it was disconnecting but if I see it as his way to take space I can see how it was him trying to deal with his emotions. I really don’t like being treated like that though, and would get worried about when it would happen and then when it did, I’d just be in survival mode and shut down. It would often be at night keeping me awake and then waking me up again in the middle of the night to continue. He didn’t seem to want to hear anything except that he was right about whatever he was going on about and even then he’d still continue telling me why I was wrong. He thinks it was not a big deal at all, and that I need “to learn the difference between anger and frustration.” I love him but I broke up with him. He found someone new within a week and took her on a weekend away that we planned. He’s working on a relationship with her now
Just know that it won’t last. The real him will show up and the cycle will repeat. Please move forward knowing that this behavior of his will continue over and over again. The new girl won’t get a better version of him, trust me!
@@BetterLoveMovementAgreed. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It will change for the better once he changes himself from within. Sometimes absence is the best thing for pe to self-reflect on their own time. I encourage you as I tell myself to enjoy the other beauties of life. Make your life enriching, beautiful, and enjoy all the things that brings you happiness to help elevate your vibration! That will help shift you out of this limbo phase. Wish you the best!❤
You did the right thing by leaving. You've built him up and then he took all of what he learned from you and put it into a new woman. You might not see it yet, but you've dodged a bullet.
Don’t waste ur time and life for avoidant persons,it will ruin you mentally. This is their choice to be like that, it’s not ur fault and you don’t need to put whole ur life to “heal” them. Everyone deserve loving and caring person who is not afraid to discuss all problems and find solution together. You can’t solve anything with person who is not willing even to talk and avoiding any “not comfortable” situation.
I'm going to tell you. I am not interested in saving anybody. That's not my job. My job is not to fix somebody. If they are not able to identify these issues within themselves and to seek their own counsel and therapy, then that is not the person for me. I don't want to spend my life working on somebody and trying to improve them. For one thing they're going to resist it. Avoidants don't like to be pressured. Right? So all that's going to do is drive a bigger wedge between the couple. That is too much stress, too much aggravation, and too much of a burden for anybody to have to bear. If the relationship is that cumbersome and that painful, then it is time to leave and find a better one. Find somebody who is healthier and has a better way of showing love and someone who has healthier interpersonal skills. It is not mentally healthy for anybody to put themselves through the misery of dealing with somebody who doesn't know how to show love doesn't know how to accept love, and in the end makes you feel like you're not enough for them.
I'm so sorry. On the bright side you get to be single and free to do what you want. You can create a bucket list and create a life better than the one with him. I hope you have lots of future happiness and that you can rebuild and be happy.
why would you want someone like that? I am glad mine is gone. I'm not anxiously attached. I'm a clinical social worker in private practice and would not encourage someone to get back with someone who is avoidant.
The best way to deal with high-conflict people is to avoid them. They're never going to be satisfied, because the conflict is what draws them. Convincing you you're broken is a strategy. It's a way to manipulate and control you. Avoid them. Your peace and sanity depend on it.
I understand your perspective. It's important to approach high-conflict individuals with empathy and understanding while also protecting your own peace and sanity. Recognizing that their behavior often stems from unresolved issues can help you navigate interactions more effectively.
After hours and hours of trying to learn and understand my avoidant boyfriend, I finally found you! This is the first time someone has actually described the behavior accurately. I'm already paying $500 a month for therapy for myself to deal with what he's put me through. Another $500 just doesn't seem worth the effort at this point. 😕 Wish I had found you three years ago when I still had the energy to try. Thank you for what you do!
We dont have to fix broken men 😮i am so tired of trying to fix my husband and i get nothing in return why should we have to do all the work nothing your video says works i have tried everything might work for a day and done😢
Well if I'm starved in the relationship, he can be starved when I leave. I love him so much, but I'll be damned if I have to walk on eggshells shells or wonder what I'm coming home to everyday.
Whoa. I've been gone for 3 weeks. Time apart doesn't make the heart feel fonder. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed for my upcoming return trip. I'm worried he hasn't taken care of our animals properly, cleaned the home, or how he'll treat me. What a mess!
Trying to communicate without the right approach can sometimes push someone further away. If you need guidance, feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com, and we can explore options to address this.
@@KVG822 First off, there are men that don't have the inclination, desire or ability to be fathers. Some men don't want and shouldn't be fathers or partners. Let them be, live their life and enjoy it as they wish. Second, choose a man that wants to be and can be a father. Be wise in your sexual selection.
Maybe you communicate badly? Like accusing him instead of listening? Been there multiple times. I rather leave after a while when you feel not be heard
No way. I'm not going to be burdened with a person who has an avoidant disorder. Even if he stays with me it will only to get supply. His heart will always be elsewhere and then come back when it's convenient for him. I know what good love feels and looks like. I don't need this crap.
@@northshorelight35 Agree 💯. The narcissistic avoidant will continually seek the attention of strangers over building a deepening secure relationship. I have also reached the point where I have had enough, have been patient and tried to understand him and don't want to waste another year hoping he will level up and be emotionally faithful and follow through on his spoken intent with consistent behaviour in line with a deepening commitment. He can sustain it for a day but then reverts to habitually seeking narcissistic supply. I'm over it and now see it's a major deficiency in his capability to actually consistently build a lasting committed relationship.
you have summed up everything. everything i been going through lately. i am at a crossroads of where to proceed. i gave him space and i respected what he said. i then tried to bring him back slowly. but not too much. and it seemed to be good. the affection. the i love yous came back. then i got scared i wasn’t “ giving enough space”. and backed off and i see attitude and distance from him. i know now what works. a little of both bc he responds to it. bc i am the one who is sick. not sleeping. feeling i might want another man. but i dont. i love him we got two kids together but its driving me crazy but i have to see what works. and if it dont. it’s not meant to be. but i see too much distance is actually not the answer. this has been so draining on me. but this video was everything. you have been such a blessing to me through all this. THANK you. i could cry from relief today. thanks to you ❤😢
Thank you for this! I thought endlessly time was what I was supposed to give him, but it feels like it's getting worse. I'm a little lost because there is so little communication now that I can't even do some of the things you suggest. But the things I have managed to do, change the choice of words in communication, works! 🙏🏻
I had a friend who pulled an avoidant "drama" once. I told him to get lost immediately. There are things I noticed about him: 1)They don't make consistent eye contact 2)They aren't very confrontational 3)They have an insatiable need for attention that they themselves are scared of. 4)They are feudal and not problem solvers. Don't be fooled by any token efforts here. 5)They will usually try to exert control over small silly things. So you don't wanna generally budge. 6)they are conflict mongerers. 7)They cannot engage people intellectually for a long time If you are generally a no nonsense person, you can bite their heads off. Tit for tat works with them bcz the one thing they are afraid of is losing control, as said in the video.
I have to say, I’ve never met an avoidant person before this man. Giving him space is exactly what the moment asked for. I don’t need a man in my life who acts this ridiculous way.
Can you do a video on the benefits of being with an avoidant partner? These videos are making sense but on the other hand are incredibly depressing. I would never choose a relationship like this ever again.
Update: He's on week 4 of taking space, so it's getting silly. I don't know if this is cover for a break-up. Saw him on the street at week 3 and he walked up and asked how I was doing...what?He took space after I found him talking with his ex gf. I also asked about marriage and got an emphatic 'no'! These are truths I can't ignore. I asked him if he wants to break up and he doesn't answer that question either.
This video made me cry for a very long time. My avoidant has been out of my life for a few months now. And I hoped and prayed that he would miss me. But I guess the answer is no. A tiny glimmer of hope that was said to be the worst of all that came out of Pandora's box. And I would have to agree now.
@@AttachmentAdam do me. . he better hope I haven't found anyone else yet .. if so oh well. If not I'll give it another go. But people come and go it's really no big deal.
@@AttachmentAdam and besides this personality type is exhausting. You need time apart because if you spend too much time with them you would not like them anymore. It keeps things interesting. A big game of chicken. Very exciting. But I just might be just as toxic.
omg I was with mine almost 5 years and we never took the next step. we did talk about moving is, marriage and kids, but he was always saying „not yet“😑 so I told him, I will move on and walked away. it has been 7 weeks of no contact
It’s because he knows you’re hoping. The minute you get on with your life and stop wanting anything from him, he’ll stop being so aloof. If not, let it go and be glad you can now move on to find someone who is more open to the things you want.
Hey girl. If you have asked him to move in and he’s said no after six years I’m sorry to say it’s never going to happen. Please give up on him. I was in a relationship with a severely manipulative avoidant man and it was traumatizing and really bad for my self esteem. I’m so happy I left. If ur with someone u are constantly hoping will change it’s just going to damage you psychologically. Maybe show him some of Adams videos and unless he gets excited about working on his attachment style it’s never going to work and there is no hope.
@@TanjaMacyyyKeep no contact, work on being securely attached and while you are away from him, dont hope for him to see the light and call you bck....move on.
i live with my ex avpd who i used to date but broke up with him when i couldn't figure this out and needed physical love - but we live together , separate rooms. it's been a rough year but after we broke up he also quit drinking cold turkey to save his job - i want to say that this guy just did that - he just stopped - when I say stoic it's an understatement because there are no words for that kind of strength. i supported him platonically we had a nice pleasant living arrangement - really very transactional - i let him barter with me - he keeps the pantry supplied with coffee and i take out the trash but it works - we are platonic now. i'm easing into it. anyway - he is in 2 days isolation im not sure what caused it but - he stepped out to resupply the coffee . these guys do care i wanted to share this as one way they show it. thanks
As a therapist I find that we overlook the likelihood that many avoidantly attached people are neurodivergent. In addition to the trauma, their nervous system simply CANNOT engage in healthy interpersonal relationships.
Hi, is this the case for people with adhd? Do they just not realize they can’t form normal bonds? I think I’m going through this. I always brought it up to him that he’s cold and seems distant even though we are married. He left so idk what’s gonna happen now. I felt alone very often and didn’t think he could settle in a safe place with me. I always brought things up, bt I don’t think he understood and it would make things worst some times
People go poking a dog with a stick, and then wonder why they're getting bitten. I can't speak for other avoidant people, but I know I myself am not out there looking to get into relationships, exactly for this reason. People will be too exhausting and demanding, and I will never be to them who they want me to be. So what would be the point. I suspect that other avoidants aren't the ones seeking these relationships, but others trying to impose expectations on the avoidant, that they never will meet, because that isn't who we are.
@@bradleyfrank7933 It's a raw deal that you grew up getting poked by a stick and that is what has imprinted onto you, making it familiar. Did you know there's a way to release that trauma so you can attract people who won't poke you? It's kind of like an abused woman who finally finds courage to leave and then ends up in another abusive relationship. Until a person realizes that 'familiar' is not normal and that embracing change to something unfamiliar is actually safe and healthy, they'll be deprived of what they truly deserve - a long lasting, meaningful, loving connection. Work through the trauma, don't get robbed 2x!
I just turned 40… I don’t even know how to begin to address this or if it’s even worth it/possible. My father was adopted n’ my mother has self-esteem issues. I have no clue how to bond; lost a 16yr marriage and have destroyed any attempt after. I fell in love last year it was so awesome and he ran away. I give up. I am so sad and tired this scenario is my whole life experience. I have literally gone into mental health work to help figure this out in 2006 but no clues until now. Thank you, for your work* I need to think about how to apply this in my life moving forward. I also feel like that’s so much darn work for the woman😢like do men ever lead in helping themselves or are woman literally here to just to keep helping men be successful, happy and on track. I am torn on what to do with all the men in my life at this point. They all just think I am mean. Mean while the world is changing and I have never felt safe. I am definitely closing down around all of this and more bracing for the impact of being old n’ single.. n’ mean I guess lol😭 … I can try to integrate this quickly 😮💨👌🏽
It's not you, it's them! Keep your energy up and stay focused on what is working and going well. Get good at saying no and passing on those who don't match your energy!
We are 6 months in. We had a massive honey phase the first two months. Now I see him 1-2 times a month. I feel he loves me but he can’t tell me. When we see each other there there is always a touch of magic. He is very regular with sending me one very small text a day. He keeps in touch. I have decided I would express love to him even though he doesn’t and he reacted positively. He told me he was touched. Now I don’t refrain myself to express love even though he can’t for now. I still feel he loves me deeply, so I am hanging on to that. Your channel is very helpful. Thank you.
He is breadcrumbing you. Breadcrumbing.... if you put up with it.... will lead to you getting addicted to him in a very unhealthy way as you wait for the next time you see him or get a text to get that dopamine hit you've been waiting for. Texting someone has zero emotional commitment to it. I would give him a heads up that this relationship is not meeting your needs for emotional connection or even physical connection for that part.
I am an avoidant but if I feel you get distant, i will stay distant too but I will think why you stop giving attentions..It makes me think possible reasons and caught up.
Therapy and coaching are something that we need, to understand our emotions and share with others. This is what we learn in group therapy, talking about emotions.
@@AttachmentAdam In a group setting is about to see whats triggers us and the work it starts. I think that I could be vulnerable and speak with other people about emotions. And now I can cry in front of someone and feel ok about that. And group settings show family dynamics. It could be the first time people have a healthy relationship.
This is such great material! After my last break-up 2 months ago, I started watching your videos on avoident men and they are SPOT ON! If you fit any of these avoidant man criteria in the way I do or know anyone, please share it with them, it will save their relationships and change their lives. I had to learn it the hard way, but if you take Adam's advice seriously, you can avoid a whole lot of heartache.
Hi Adam, would you please make a video where you give your point of view about how to handle breakup with an avoidant/disorganized and about no contact?
You often talk about the anxious - avoidant dynamic, id be very interested to hear your perspective on a fearful avoidant- dismissive avoidant dynamic. Thanks 😊 love your videos ❤
I have been watching majority of your videos thinking my boyfriend is the avoidant but every time I discover more and more that I’m the avoidant. I’m an avoidant woman! In this video, what resonated is being told to turn right will make me want to turn left. I don’t know why I’m like that but I hate being told what to do and I like to solve issues alone. I don’t need anyone physically present to help me solve issues so I avoid people until I figure it out. I escape for sure.
Adam I also experienced this with FA woman. I appreciate what you say but how do you expect the average, heck even the non-average person to understand Risk-Assesement brain form the jump? I gave her a couple of chances, I saw that she was avoidant, we weren't even in a relationship yet, it was the budding stage, but after a few a months I gave my closure and she deflected. If the budding-stage looked like this, I can only imagine an actual relationship .. Holy shite
Oh gosh….I have been doing it all wrong….they said in the videos give them time as much as they want…I really didnt know it would just make matters worse 😢
When you give them time you have to just go and make sure they know you’re not waiting around. Free yourself to find someone who’s more receptive. The avoidant will either want you more the more independent you are or will stay aloof. Either way, take care of your own needs.
Exactly my husband and I …except I am the avoidant and he is the anxious. When it comes to most people I can connect and feel relaxed, but when it comes to any anxiously attached person, including my husband, I just feel claustrophobic and so stressed I literally will have a panic attack if I don’t get away from someone so needy and demanding. I’m not sure I agree that an avoidant and anxiously attached person can help each other. I do so much better with healthier people that are clear on boundaries and self sufficient.
It seems like you're experiencing the complexities of navigating an anxious-avoidant dynamic. Both anxious and avoidant individuals face unique challenges and require different approaches to building healthy connections. How do you communicate your needs and boundaries to your partner in a way that is respectful and understanding?
@HollyMurphy3 Lol. Thank God! It's a nightmare from this end too. At least it is for me. It's absolutely awful.... Nearly unbearable, tbh! Thank you. For not being like that.
He did. The issue is that instead of giving endless space - an exercise in futility - the better approach is to give finite space and negotiate levels of control in a way that allow for a more mutual relationship. The reason he said it so many ways are people who just don't get it, because an avoidant person is neurochemically operating a little differently than a more securely attached person. They're in a high-stress danger mitigation mode, while you are not.
Awesome content, very insightful. I took notes. Big respect. Which is why I'm investing the energy to comment, it had a rather high level of (almost salesy) fear mongering in there that brings down the quality of the transmission. Inspiration is a much more effective driver of motivation and transformation than fear. Your reach will expand with this shift 🙏🏽
Thank you for your feedback and for taking the time to comment! I appreciate your perspective and will definitely consider it for future content. Inspiration is indeed a powerful motivator, and I aim to strike a balance that resonates with my audience.
There’s so much relationship advice out there that confuses me. Also the masc/fem dynamics are really confusing sometimes…Now I finally get it. What went good and what went bad. I hope to be able to do these steps so he feels safe again to relax with me and not need to pull away. But probably this will take time and cause him to run even more in the beginning when you start to address those things, doesn’t it? Thank you so much ❤
Oh, Adam! You described my mom and dad’s dynamic to a tee. I used to be FA leaning DA myself and displayed a lot of the behaviors you described. I’m earned SA now, but it’s just so sad to see them still in that cycle for the last 35 years, not choosing to break up for God-knows-what reasons. Anyhow, thanks for all that you do. ❤ Will try to let them watch this video or have it played in the background at home so they hear it.
I found this channel recently and have found it very interesting; it has given me a lot of food for thought. After watching a number of videos on this channel, I wonder if my boyfriend and I are both mildly avoidant (ethical avoidant, I think you put it - we care deeply for each other and are not dismissive of each other). I don't think either of us is "afraid" of commitment to each other, per se, and that's where I think I've erroneously assumed that must mean that neither of us is avoidant. I think we are both very comfortable where we are in the relationship, but it feels like there's a gap that neither of us knows how to bridge. It feels like we are platonic best friends. I'm not sure how to go deeper and build more emotional intimacy (I think he would be open to it). I don't think either of us has ever experienced "deeper." We don't know what we are missing, but I sometimes feel that "something" is missing. In general, I haven't really been able to pinpoint my own attachment style because I get abandonment anxiety but am not clingy at all. I like a decent amount of space but long for more emotional connection. I don't feel afraid of intimacy in theory. On a related note, a lot of stuff I watch and read says you have to ask for what you need in a relationship, and I have no idea what that means. How am I supposed to know what I need in a relationship? That probably sounds weird, but I think that might be my own avoidant attachment (or something like it). Another side note, I don't see myself as being avoidant, but if I really dig deep and reflect, I can see how someone who may have wanted a relationship with me in the past could have perceived me that way. How can you know what you could have if you've never had it and a good measure of emotional distance has always been normal? Also, for what it's worth and/or for context, my boyfriend and I are in our 40s, have dated a lot prior to meeting each other, and are both fairly self-aware.
This made me almost cry. I just met a guy who i really connected with who just did this. He’s the avoidant, me the anxious attachment. He just stopped talking to me and since I dealt with someone like him before i refused to just let him “take time” he said i was disrespecting his wishes and boundaries for days. It was because we connected and I think it scared him and he needed to gain control of himself. It turned into all this miscommunication but he wouldn’t even hear me out. He wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. I feel like I’m becoming an avoidant because of how I’ve been treated by these type of men and my emotional needs being constantly neglected. Your video just made me feel like I’m not crazy for trying to talk it out with him. I wanted to listen to him, but I didn’t know how to communicate with him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not crazy for wanting to talk things out. Your desire for open communication is actually a sign of emotional maturity, and it's unfortunate that he wasn't receptive to that. What behaviors are making you feel like you're becoming more avoidant?
I just don’t know if i can do romantic relationships anymore… The advice given to couples is all over the place. how are you supposed to have a healthy relationship if you’re trying to fix your partner’s problems all the time while they duck and dodge accountability. But if you say ok i’ve had enough and you leave them you’re the bad guy now. When is enough, enough?
Being avoidant isn’t a big deal if you enjoy your own space! I just call it ‘being introvert’ so ppl can f*** off 😆 I love being in control and I keep everyone else away and at an arms length.
@@Nah-ah That's the problem, other people are the ones who seem to have a problem with who we are. They can't just accept us for who we are, and give us the space we want/need. Instead, they selfishly want us to bend and mold to what is in their best interest, never what is in our's. The sooner avoidants can realize who they are, the less they can give out mixed signals that leads someone else on. As soon as I knew, I keep everyone at a distance, to avoid situations that can be misunderstood or misconstrued. To avoid the pain any misunderstandings could cause both of us.
They are too much hard work. Yep, after 9 years, we were married, and he had an affair... he was stressed, resentful, and blaming me for hus unhappiness. I was drained and exhausted, and I could no longer manage his emotions.
Your experience of betrayal is undoubtedly painful and challenging. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the constant emotional turmoil within your relationship. How do you envision the future? Are you considering reconciliation, separation, or divorce?
after a fight my FA long term boyfriend has not contacted me for 7 days, silent treatement… I texted him and called after a fight 6 days ago but he has not responded.. it hurts
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If women go once a week and have a. E. X. Then she is ignorant! No no no!!! Self respect! He need help!
I know this is all well-intended, but it irritates me that it's always women investing their emotional and mental energy into learning how to have better relationships with men and not the other way around. That's why I'm just opting out. I'm so done with the one-sided nature of the entire thing. All that labor I have put into learning about partner relationships and dealing with unhealed men that only exist to take could have gone into building up my own life. Men are just not worth the work. I'm better off on my own and investing into quality relationships with women friends and community.
I know he doesn't because he tells me every day not to be a bother and to give him space. I'm not even allowed to text or call him. We haven't had a nonsuperficial conversation in 15 years. And the worst part is that he is perfectly happy with this situation.
I tried everything you said in your videos, using logic and fair language I gave him space and made my expectations clear and measurable but all I got was more coldness, vague ,short msgs only check in msgs, morning, good night, how are you lol 😅
I explained to him about attachment styles offered him to send your avoidant videos asked him to give me feedback and of it resonates I'm ready to support him in following the method you presented, next day he said I watched one of the videos and it's very interesting 😅 as if I sent it for entertainment, I kindly reminded him that the purpose is to work together to deepen our relationship, he kept my msg unread the whole day then sent good night at 00🤭
Today as if nothing happened he sent his usual cold msg
Good morning
Did you sleep well ?
Later he sent : are you feeling better
I replied: I feel a bit drained what about you?
He said he's fine and ignored my feelings status
So I sent him an assertive msg that this relationship does not feel right and I can't keep suppressing my needs walking over my boundaries
I asked him a straightforward question
Are you genuinely interested in making this relationship work and invest efforts, time and work on emotional availability following the provided method (by Adam Alane smith)
If yes;I will support you
If no , you will never hear from me again
He replied rudely that he's a busy man he exercise while I do nothing except staying home ...and accused me of bad things which is not true
I was calm in my replies I told him that I know that his subconscious mind is the one creating false accusations about me to justify his unfair behaviors, I forgave him and
I sent him more videos of your channel while not expecting anything in return, and I offered my support as a friend if he needs it otherwise I clearly stated that I'm not going to reach out to him again
I tried everything you said in your videos, using logic and fair language I gave him space and made my expectations clear and measurable but all I got was more coldness, vague ,short msgs only check in msgs, morning, good night, how are you lol 😅
I explained to him about attachment styles offered him to send your avoidant videos asked him to give me feedback and of it resonates I'm ready to support him in following the method you presented, next day he said I watched one of the videos and it's very interesting 😅 as if I sent it for entertainment, I kindly reminded him that the purpose is to work together to deepen our relationship, he kept my msg unread the whole day then sent good night at 00🤭
Today as if nothing happened he sent his usual cold msg
Good morning
Did you sleep well ?
Later he sent : are you feeling better
I replied: I feel a bit drained what about you?
He said he's fine and ignored my feelings status
So I sent him an assertive msg that this relationship does not feel right and I can't keep suppressing my needs walking over my boundaries
I asked him a straightforward question
Are you genuinely interested in making this relationship work and invest efforts, time and work on emotional availability following the provided method (by Adam Alane smith)
If yes;I will support you
If no , you will never hear from me again
He replied rudely that he's a busy man he exercise while I do nothing except staying home ...and accused me of bad things which is not true
I was calm in my replies I told him that I know that his subconscious mind is the one creating false accusations about me to justify his unfair behaviors, I forgave him and
I sent him more videos of your channel while not expecting anything in return, and I offered my support as a friend if he needs it otherwise I clearly stated that I'm not going to reach out to him again
Don’t stay for games. If he’s pulling away, let him lost. Don’t try to fix him. It’s not your son or your science project
@@tarothijadevenus4017 only secure people are capable of BEING in lovw
Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes it forget.
It's true it can lead to people drifting apart! Thanks for sharing!
Not with the right person! 😂 you can’t heal people! Move on to healthier people! Now once confronted if he wants to do the work ..doubtful then stick around but time frame is impirtant
I disagree - I’m avoidant but I love her dearly - things are complicated
My heart has grown fonder. I realize now what I had. I miss my ex boyfriend a lot.
I agree 💯
as much as I listen videos like this I realize that I dont need avoidant man any more !Thank you! I dont need a man who escape from me ,no thanks.
Correct, it’s like looking after a child
You’re right. Get someone with a secure attachment style. You cannot change any avoidant person.
i appreciate that Adam is saying we shouldn’t give in to them wanting ice cream (distance) all the time, but wanting to connect causes them to pull away violently as well, calling them out on their behaviour is taken as an attack no matter how patient you are or how repetitively you remind them that you don’t blame them. damned if you do, damned if you don’t
You should make videos on how they can cure themselves because this is not another persons responsibility.
Insecure attachment cannot be healed alone, because it wasn’t developed alone.
@@katieandnick4113 Get a therapist dafuc. This is not anyone else’s responsibility. Also that is not true, I know people can heal on their own. Do you have proof that this theory is accurate. Did you do a study on it? How was the study done? Who verified it?…people just say anything and think it’s correct.
@@katieandnick4113 oh so a narcissist and a sociopath require a punching bag to heal. You can’t be serious 🤦🏻♀️ those are both created not born. Hmm I guess that theory you have has issues huh
@@aurakl2407 Read my comments above. Yes, this dude seems to norrmalize avoidant traits, whereas these are highly highly dysfunctional and take a toll on the avoidant's partner's mental/emotional health.
@@katieandnick4113 You seem to be a hardcore codependent, lady! Equally flawed, you believe in half-circle relationships, but these are dysfunctional to their core!
I’m so glad the comments are full of people tired of the BS 😂
This section also full of people like you that think they are without sins
@@JonathanVachon777 sounds like I’m in great company Jonathan
@@shayogirl if you mean in company of people without self awareness, sure
@@shayogirl if you mean p3opl3 with0ut s3lf awar3n3ss, sur3
@@JonathanVachon777 lmao if you say so Jonathan
I just can't do it. I can't be a mind ninja, mind reader, ultra mindful nurturing person catering to his childhood wounds. I have childhood wounds too, and that's why I go out of my way to be considerate. Save yourself the work so you can grow and have the satisfying relationship that resonates with you. The avoidant wants to AVOID work, therefore they don't deserve your love. PERIOD. They need therapy.
You weren’t supposed to be a mind reader. You are the enchanter.
They will use what they learn in therapy to be more effective at being a toxic & abusive partner.
They have to want therapy because they hate that they have no control over their emotions & don't want to keep ruining their relationships.
Yea some of us do the work and we've been through far worse hell
I agreed. I tried everything I learn about fearful avoidant man, it only turns out he treated me way less than what I deserve because of his own sense of shame, insecurity and low self esteem issue, that to him seems to be too much work to actually work on to change.
We're Not Their Mommies. The Responsibility for fixing their behavior is on Them.
How can someone fix something they dont even know is wrong in the first place. The moment he ACTUALLY understand that something is actially wrong with him, then he actually will try to work it out.
Speaking from experience. Also why I'm alone and most likely will always be. My partner broke up with me a few months ago, it was a 10 years relationship. The fault was most likely mine. I see that and now I actually find this guy and how he described me perfectly in every single video so I now know what I actually am and what mmy problem is. And now I'm trying to change myself. I lost the girl of my life and thats something I'll have to live with forever.
@@lobobanguela6349 True. But things not working out is 1 Major Clue. And I'm sure there were Many things brought up to you before that. Either way, glad you finally got it and are working to fix it.
As for the relationship, you Can go back and at least Try fixing that, too. Or in the least Apologize for your part. Without the typical Avoidant "Oh well, I fucked her up. So Next!"
We not your daddy either. Fix your own problems as well
@@lobobanguela6349 I'm sure your girl told you multiple times in that 10 years that something was wrong. I am really sad for your loss. This is hard for you I'm sure and trust me, it was also extremely painful for her
@JonathanVachon777 thank you.girls can't fix a tire let alone thier own insecurities with out the narcissist word or the abuser word or the gaslight word being thrown around for anything that doesn't go thier way
I now understand why the fearful avoidant guy I was dating told me he thought I was controlling. When I asked him to give me some examples, he couldn't. I am a secure attachment and dating this person was exhausting for me. He told me he didn't think we were a good match, I said fine and haven't talked to him since. Avoidant men need to work on their attachment wounds and heal their emotional trauma.
@@debbiewitthoft5339 my FA asked for a break because they were upset with ME after THEY stayed with me for a month when THEY initiatally asked to stay for 4 days (I wasn't "welcoming enough"). They're hurt and stuck people who use their silence / absence as a weapon and expect you to read minds. Run like Hell unless they're in counseling.
Adam did you hear what you said that she is sitting there wondering if she should chase him and he is sitting there, wondering, if she will chase him.That makes no damn sense.Ladies just heal yourselves and get with a secure man who doesn't make you do mental gymnastics. Ladies, we have to stop letting men play with us and our faces because of their own inadequacies, they can go and do the healing work on their own.And if not then why would we want to be with them. Listening to this stressed me out. Just how I was stressed out in the avoidant relationship. Please run ladies fast! Love yourself more. ❤❤
Yep, just let them go. It’s never going to work, he will make you suffer.
Honestly as an FA I will say when I’m in my avoidant side I do expect the anxious partner to reach out, because I know they will. If they don’t, I assume they don’t care about me. Yes it’s toxic I know but we all need healing. DAs are maybe less aware of this as they don’t have the perspective of an FA if they don’t have anxious tendencies
@@Ishtarthemoon What’s FA ?
@@grateful7420 fearful avoidant. It means you have both anxious and avoidant traits and tendencies. It’s also known as Disorganized attachment.
@@amandavaldegas7500Thank you! I was about to ask the same question.
Let him leave.. avoidant dismissive men are horrific partners.
Yet y'all keep chasing them 🤣
@@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch nope.
@AYKAY88 lol k
@@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch Stop throwing your fantasy around randomly in this space. I don't chase: I enter, I observe, I communicate, I assess, I argue (when the bottomless pit starts showing its pit black to me), and I leave; and then, I am cold and unshakeable.
@MahamSuhail did I say you didn't?
You being an exception does not disprove the rule
Your solution is to basically build a whole man. Just so he can show up and give you flowers.
No. It is just repair measures for those that have already had children or for those that are societal and environmental restricted to deal with such men.
If you are young and childless, avoid such men at all costs.
@@JennaHasm even if you have children, Don't build men because you are showing bad examples for the children and especially the girls who will think that to be loved they have to fix a man. That is very wrong for their well being
Correction: you build a whole man...so that once he's better he can leave you for someone younger 😂
Or just he can go be happy with another woman after u build him for her
Thanks for the information. Avoidant men are not for me. This sounds dysfunctional and I don’t have the energy or desire to deal with this.
Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It gives you room to cheat!
Yes!😂
Only certain people cheat. The despicable kind.
Glad you brought up infidelity. A guy friend of mine used to call me every time his fiancé would “give him his space” to see if I’d sleep with him. 🙄🤦🏻♀️ I told him he either needs to love her or leave her. He married her and cheats.
Should tell her that…
Or should have LONG ago
@@Seraphina93 she wont leave lolll no point
No point in telling her the truth!? That’s cruel. Disgusting. She should know. Is it because he’s cheating with you? Like he was with you “on their break” which does not equal the right to sleep around.
Why the hell is he still your guy friend, if he was doing that repeatedly?
not reserved for avoidants that's basically every good looking person now
He is afraid of my feelings , the idea of a relationship stresses Him
Last time He came back then Ghosted
I haven’t reached out . I can’t handle His lack of emotional intimacy
I need more . I’ve let Him run this time
He is hard work
'Hard work' is a understatement, sis! I wonder how their hopelessness is different from that of the narcs!
I am very sorry to hear that. Just waiting can often make the problem worse as you might grow too distant from each other. If you need some immediate assistance, feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com -and we can discuss options to address the issue.
@@AttachmentAdam Its not their issue, its his. She deserves better.
He’s going to love bomb
@@MahamSuhailthey are narcs
As an anxious attachment, when they want space I just want to be closer and I end up being “too much”
Work on yourself😊
I know this is all well-intended, but it irritates me that it's always women investing their emotional and mental energy into learning how to have better relationships with men and not the other way around. That's why I'm just opting out. I'm so done with the one-sided nature of the entire thing. All that labor I have put into learning about partner relationships and dealing with unhealed men that only exist to take could have gone into building up my own life. Men are just not worth the work. I'm better off on my own and investing into quality relationships with women friends and community.
What on earth makes you think there're only women here?
@@c.f.4564 I hear you. However, I think the videos target audience is women.
100%. I spent 17 years trying patiently to connect with my avoidant ex. I was able to convince him to go for counselling but for a year he kept insisting the problem was my anxiety. Eventually the counsellor spoke to both of us and explained it might help to see my partner for a few sessions on his own. I thought that was a really good idea. In the parking lot on the way out he said to me… see, even the counsellor doesn’t want you there because you won’t stay focused on the real issue… your anxiety. Within a few weeks of leaving him I wasn’t anxious anymore. I do miss him but there’s no way I would put myself through that again. I grieved the loss of relationship while I was with him now I’m grieving the lost years.
I totally agree with you! I'm listening to this thinking about how this sounds like a professional therapist's job (which my boyfriend is not interested in at all). It's not my project to try and fix him! I've tried bringing up these topics to talk about and shared so many videos for him to listen to. Nothing sticks. Why is this type of content always targeted toward women and never the men! Who is out there teaching men how to heal and care for their woman?
@@dazzlingandbrash I see videos that are targeted to men, but it does seem that most are for women and I agree, it's exhausting being the only one to do anything to make the relationship work.
I'm on my second marriage. My husband was great for the first year or so. Then he stopped trying. He would just sit around playing video games. I told him several times that I needed him to make more effort and eventually I started filling out applications for apartments and I told him I was going to move out. He still did nothing. When I moved out, he finally started taking action. Or at least he says he is. I don't know, I go back for my stuff and he'll stop whatever he's doing to talk to me. But I haven't noticed much as far as him cleaning the house or learning to cook. Yeah, in his 40s and doesn't know how to cook. Doesn't drive. He has been finally reading articles about the issues he has. But I feel like with all the effort I put in through the years just for my concerns to be dismissed, it's too little, too late. And I fear that if I go back to him, things will go back to the way they were. I just don't want to go through it again.
Thanks for this at last. I kept hearing on TH-cam to be patient... they will come back just give them space. A couple of months after I went no contact at the request of my avoidant-ex he took his own life. Even since I have been troubled about how I could have prevented the tragedy. I now realise that the man could not love and I was not a part of what overwhelmed him. They seem so strong but are on the edge of despair. No wonder women are so drawn to them.
I am so sorry. Seems like he had deeper issues than just being an avoidant. I hope you are not thinking it's your fault. ❤
@priscillaallen5276 - Bless You. I am so sorry this happened. I truly hope you don't blame yourself, yet I guess a part of you thinks "If only I had..." I doubt there was anything you could have done to help him, other than suggest he went to therapy. If things in his life had him so depressed that he thought his only option was to permanently leave, no-one really knows what is going on in someone's life. Please don't ever blame yourself for not doing enough, as I am sure he knew you loved him, and that you both shared good times together when he was able to allow himself to do so. Yes, it is the opposite of men being drawn to women who need saving, the 'Damsel in Distress Syndrome.' Those of us with big Hearts wanting to care and protect others. No joke - I think to alleviate part of the void of filling that 'need' to assist would be helped by us having a dog or cat to take care of. I wish you all the best. Sending you a hug. Much Love, Anita xxx 🌹❤️🥰🏴🇬🇧
This is sad. Human beings need connection, not disconnection when they have a relationship.
Avoidants are more connected with themselves, their friends, family, and other people who aren’t romantic partners.
Avoidants aren’t connected to anyone. They have insecure attachments(not connections) to their families, and their friendships are shallow and non threatening(if they have friends. Many avoidants don’t). Connection requires vulnerability, and they are terrified of vulnerability. It’s not their fault, obviously. It’s just something they can’t currently do.
@Alixir1228they'd have to know and understand their Avoidant attachment for that.
Can't make a choice if the choice is completely unknown to them on a conscious level.
If you expect someone to change *to* something without knowing what they are changing *from* than perhaps you are the other side of that dysfunctional coin that needs it's own bit of changing.
@Alixir1228 I agree, actually.
@@jessecortez9449 They do know that there's sth wrong, the last avoidant I just blocked yesterday (from ALL platforms, finally) knew he has issues like that. I tried helping him educate himself too: Just too f****ng passive about therapy or self-education! Thought it's best to leave him 'hanging stuck in the mid on the long valley zipline' (as I'd tell him I would see him and also myself, when with him).
That is so true,tied of trying to give him all the space,he gives one sentence answers, greyrocking,silent treatment, stonewalling and it kills me!!😢😢😢😢😢
I've been through the same, 5 months I suffered before I truly gave up. Silly me. That was my mistake for staying for so long. He never feel like he needs to apologize for the damage he did to me. He gave me all irritations and rudeness, even I just bumped to him around the work place and talked to other people at work, said he felt surrounded. I walked away from him for good. Can't take more damage from someone like this anymore. So toxic. I used to be a happy person and I miss that so much.
This advice is for avoidants willing to change and build a healthy bond for themselves with you. My husband had avoided serious relationships and dating much in general when I met him at 39. I didn't know of attachment theory yet then. But I'd become very self-aware and more secure after my previous divorce. I did not push him for anything. I was clear that I was not interested in long term (past 2 years) dating.
We've struggled with communication and handling conflict but he's never needed more than a few hours or maybe the day to take space to analyze or regulate. It's been 3 years total, we're married as of last year. Our marriage and family are his top priority. We're best friends and lovers.
Seems like a happy ending for you. Majority here are full of sad endings. Hoping the best and continued peace for you guys❤
He doesn't seem so avoidant... taking a few hours or a day is not avoidant to me. Taking 4 days or more, is yea getting on the ridiculous wasting my time deal
It's exhausting 😩 😫 . I left him to go find a woman strong enough to deal with the inconsistency
The woman I'm currently speaking with actually endeared me by giving me space early when I asked for it, despite her not wanting it herself. When I came back, and especially when she later mentioned her own fears of loss of connection - it sunk in for me that she was willing to put her wants aside for what she perceived to be my needs. Now, she gets regular, consistent communication without having to ask, because I know I can trust her to give me a little breathing room if I get overwhelmed without giving up on me completely, and she is there to engage my emotional needs as I share them (which, in turn, makes me want to service hers).
That said - needing months or years of space before committing is beyond anything I've ever felt I needed, so this is probably still great advice for severe avoidance, and I'm more the exception that proves the rule.
Good for you on knowing your facts. Good luck to you and yours.
Did you want her to check on you when you withdraw out of the blue, or just straight up leave you alone til you call? 🤷🏽♀️
@ I voiced beforehand that I needed a little space, so I was hoping for isolation versus a check up. Had I simply vanished, I would not have been able to reasonably hold it against her to check up on me.
Communication is key, both offering and receiving.
Married 45 years to an avoidant man, and only just beginning to learn how to work with it. Giving him space, more and more, having him take long trips, especially when the kids were little, only made me learn to cope entirely on my own. When I asked for love, he literally pushed me away and gaslighted me (you're the problem, too needy). I learned to by happy by getting my needs met in other family relationships, women's bible studies, etc. With the kids all grown and gone, the loneliness can be crushing. Our only "shared experiences" are watching TV (which is what he chooses when we "spend time together"), even while we eat. He says he wants our relationship to improve but comes from a family of 7 sons where feelings were sissy at best and manipulative at worst. He refuses to think he is avoidant or abnormal in any way, and would never consider taking a course. Do you think I should take the course by myself and hope for a change in this 11th hour or not rock the boat at this point? He is 78 years old and I am 70.
This video has convinced me more that i don’t need him anymore.....
Time and space is what you need to realise what you got yourself into...so its good for you...take it if you need it. Dont worry about him.
I think the answer is self love. No matter what the issue is loving yourself more is the answer. Life is too short to be unhappy ❤
THIS! BLESS YOU! I N E E D E D THIS. This was me you described. And even though I lost many years. And he is gone. Your work has brought me peace. Because finally, my experience with him is not some unfathomable uncomprensible horrible chaotic thing that sucks the life from me every day as I try to understand, because now, I finally do understand. I have clarity.
Thankyou
Thankyou
Thankyou
That's wonderful! I'm incredibly touched to hear that my words have brought you peace and clarity.
Well said. How you describe it is 💯 accurate and it's a really dysfunctional dynamic. Dismissive Avoidant people will destroy you if you let them.
This man does not miss. For the past year I’ve been giving time and space to my DA and it hasn’t gotten better. Then I decided to speak up even if it risked spoiling him. Idk if we’re closer but he’s more receptive and warm to me, saying he wants to make this work. Even going so far of admitting he has a problem and wants to go to therapy. Needless to say this is the most challenging and painful experience I’ve had with a partner. I have little hope this will work out and I’m mentally exhausted.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm happy to hear it's working and that you're seeing positive results. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com if you need support or help. I'd be happy to provide you with resources that empower you.
DA? Defense Attorney? 😂
Adam this is exactly where my husband and I are going through. We are in couple s therapy and following her advice, we both feel that time, patience and space is making both of us feeling more distant and unhappy.
I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately just waiting around can often make the problem worse as you disconnect from each other too far. If you guys need some direct quick help, you’re welcome to send me an email at support@adamlanesmith.com and we can talk options to get your marriage fixed up.
You should definitely tell each other that and then that you want to be closer I miss them and have a sincere heart to heart
From the bottom of my heart, truly and fully; may God bless you, Adam. You are a blessing to many. Thank you.
The best advice would be...heal yourself so you meet a non avoidant partner....investing in healing yourself is a higher return and control on your time investment... this though helps though to realise you are in the wrong relationship...so still helpful
I just left mine. My life is to short for the misery he kept causing
How long were you together for?
@@AttachmentAdam 1.5 years. I couldn't afford to keep wasting time on him. If he thinks I'm moving on he rushes back to me. But it's the same again….. I have given up on men.
@@user-fn3sk3io8o 6mo behind in my comment, but i want you to know: i'm 36 and am in 18 yrs deep with mine. would've left a long time ago but he's 13 yrs into a cancer battle that keeps nearly taking him out. there ARE SO MANY BETTER MEN OUT THERE. sure i feel for him, but he has directly stated so many times he does not feel for me. he gives lots of toys, trinkets, gifts, favors, and bullshit though. always has my back if anyone else threatens me. but if i need a hug and demand it, he'll do it with such disgust it's almost hilarious, and helps me remember he's always worse off than me, really.
A certain type of DA (the manipulative one) doesn’t want to bond. They prefer the casual low pressure intimacy with female friends and co-workers which increases risk of infidelity. But once those people become the primary partner, a similar pattern prevails. You can’t have true intimacy with that type. Maybe with ethical Avoidants but not the other type.
Why are casual low pressure intimacies manipulative?
@@johnny4062 in the context of a committed rela, If a partner detaches from a primary yet confides, flirts, entertains external attention they are in essence manipulating the situation to get their validation needs met while avoiding risk of vulnerability with a primary partner. Also the dopamine hits lessen with a familiar partner. They may get other benefits from them that they don’t want to lose but seek the dopamine from new/novel people outside the relationship.
100%!!!!
True! You speak about people that split their need fulfillment between practical partnership (safety) and emotional needs (to be fulfilled elsewhere for safety reasons). Something like that is extremely hurtful to all parties. Mostly, this will be people that are somehow aware that they have emotional needs (more fearful avoidents) while at the same times being extremely afraid of emotions.
Btw, they deserve compassion, too. I'm a fearful avoident. Stayed out of relationships for most of my life - and that isno solution either.
🎯🎯🎯
Exactly. He just moves on to the next person. They completely forget you even exist.
People think "they will find out in my absence" but people in love become irrational to the point they really overrate the emotional INTELLIGENCE of their partner.
You would, he won't.
⚠️ Don't expect a fly to understand why honey is better than 💩. ⚠️
LOVE YOURSELF AND DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.
Ask yourself instead, WHY DO YOU seem to love emotionally distant people?
I appreciate your input, but I encourage you to stay tuned for an upcoming video where I explain exactly what happens in the mind of an avoidant after a break up or some time of no contact.
@@AttachmentAdam Thanks, but the only ones who needs to "understand the avoidants" are themselves.
The faded idea that feeds hopes of desperate people for another person to change makes me think I might be too healthy for this channel.
FOLLOW ME THOSE OF GOOD WILL !
Love does become irrational 👏
This video is making me cry. I have regrets but i didn't know that to do. I tried my best.
If it was such a struggle then it wasn’t the right person
My recent ex Avoidant took space by starting tirades at me, getting annoyed over small things and then going on about it for hours. In a way it was disconnecting but if I see it as his way to take space I can see how it was him trying to deal with his emotions.
I really don’t like being treated like that though, and would get worried about when it would happen and then when it did, I’d just be in survival mode and shut down. It would often be at night keeping me awake and then waking me up again in the middle of the night to continue. He didn’t seem to want to hear anything except that he was right about whatever he was going on about and even then he’d still continue telling me why I was wrong.
He thinks it was not a big deal at all, and that I need “to learn the difference between anger and frustration.”
I love him but I broke up with him.
He found someone new within a week and took her on a weekend away that we planned.
He’s working on a relationship with her now
Just know that it won’t last. The real him will show up and the cycle will repeat. Please move forward knowing that this behavior of his will continue over and over again. The new girl won’t get a better version of him, trust me!
@@BetterLoveMovementAgreed. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It will change for the better once he changes himself from within. Sometimes absence is the best thing for pe to self-reflect on their own time. I encourage you as I tell myself to enjoy the other beauties of life. Make your life enriching, beautiful, and enjoy all the things that brings you happiness to help elevate your vibration! That will help shift you out of this limbo phase. Wish you the best!❤
You did the right thing by leaving. You've built him up and then he took all of what he learned from you and put it into a new woman. You might not see it yet, but you've dodged a bullet.
Don’t waste ur time and life for avoidant persons,it will ruin you mentally. This is their choice to be like that, it’s not ur fault and you don’t need to put whole ur life to “heal” them. Everyone deserve loving and caring person who is not afraid to discuss all problems and find solution together. You can’t solve anything with person who is not willing even to talk and avoiding any “not comfortable” situation.
I'm going to tell you. I am not interested in saving anybody. That's not my job. My job is not to fix somebody. If they are not able to identify these issues within themselves and to seek their own counsel and therapy, then that is not the person for me. I don't want to spend my life working on somebody and trying to improve them. For one thing they're going to resist it. Avoidants don't like to be pressured. Right? So all that's going to do is drive a bigger wedge between the couple. That is too much stress, too much aggravation, and too much of a burden for anybody to have to bear. If the relationship is that cumbersome and that painful, then it is time to leave and find a better one. Find somebody who is healthier and has a better way of showing love and someone who has healthier interpersonal skills. It is not mentally healthy for anybody to put themselves through the misery of dealing with somebody who doesn't know how to show love doesn't know how to accept love, and in the end makes you feel like you're not enough for them.
I TOTALLY AGREE AND SUPPORT YOU ON THIS! My sentiments exactly!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻
Married 15 years. In business together. He went to another woman. I'm 53 and now have to start my life over again.
I'm so sorry. On the bright side you get to be single and free to do what you want. You can create a bucket list and create a life better than the one with him. I hope you have lots of future happiness and that you can rebuild and be happy.
You’re going to be just fine. Get a dog if you can ❤
I’m in the same boat; he married his cheating partner the day after we signed the divorce decree
Avoidant men are exhausting...10 years of marriage. I'm so glad we split.
I think you just saved my relationship.
How so?
why would you want someone like that? I am glad mine is gone. I'm not anxiously attached. I'm a clinical social worker in private practice and would not encourage someone to get back with someone who is avoidant.
The best way to deal with high-conflict people is to avoid them.
They're never going to be satisfied, because the conflict is what draws them.
Convincing you you're broken is a strategy. It's a way to manipulate and control you.
Avoid them. Your peace and sanity depend on it.
I understand your perspective. It's important to approach high-conflict individuals with empathy and understanding while also protecting your own peace and sanity. Recognizing that their behavior often stems from unresolved issues can help you navigate interactions more effectively.
After hours and hours of trying to learn and understand my avoidant boyfriend, I finally found you! This is the first time someone has actually described the behavior accurately.
I'm already paying $500 a month for therapy for myself to deal with what he's put me through. Another $500 just doesn't seem worth the effort at this point. 😕 Wish I had found you three years ago when I still had the energy to try.
Thank you for what you do!
We dont have to fix broken men 😮i am so tired of trying to fix my husband and i get nothing in return why should we have to do all the work nothing your video says works i have tried everything might work for a day and done😢
EXACTLY! WHat about the poor 'fixer's' own mental health?!
We don't have to fix broken men ❤
You can only help so much. If you start feeling drained, it’s time to shift focus to yourself. Looking after yourself is your main responsibility.
Don't ever date broken men!
@@777-h6n its not broke men its men that bat for the other side 😂 but want to hide and be in closet
Well if I'm starved in the relationship, he can be starved when I leave. I love him so much, but I'll be damned if I have to walk on eggshells shells or wonder what I'm coming home to everyday.
Sidenote, you are gorgeous!
Whoa. I've been gone for 3 weeks. Time apart doesn't make the heart feel fonder. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed for my upcoming return trip. I'm worried he hasn't taken care of our animals properly, cleaned the home, or how he'll treat me. What a mess!
The more I keep trying to communicate the further he runs away!
Find someone else. I'm saying this with all seriousness. It's not healthy
@@Erica-ye8weI know he isn’t my first one like this. I need to stop dating men like this
Trying to communicate without the right approach can sometimes push someone further away. If you need guidance, feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com, and we can explore options to address this.
@@KVG822 First off, there are men that don't have the inclination, desire or ability to be fathers. Some men don't want and shouldn't be fathers or partners. Let them be, live their life and enjoy it as they wish.
Second, choose a man that wants to be and can be a father. Be wise in your sexual selection.
Maybe you communicate badly? Like accusing him instead of listening? Been there multiple times. I rather leave after a while when you feel not be heard
No way. I'm not going to be burdened with a person who has an avoidant disorder. Even if he stays with me it will only to get supply. His heart will always be elsewhere and then come back when it's convenient for him. I know what good love feels and looks like. I don't need this crap.
@@northshorelight35 Agree 💯. The narcissistic avoidant will continually seek the attention of strangers over building a deepening secure relationship. I have also reached the point where I have had enough, have been patient and tried to understand him and don't want to waste another year hoping he will level up and be emotionally faithful and follow through on his spoken intent with consistent behaviour in line with a deepening commitment. He can sustain it for a day but then reverts to habitually seeking narcissistic supply. I'm over it and now see it's a major deficiency in his capability to actually consistently build a lasting committed relationship.
you have summed up everything. everything i been going through lately. i am at a crossroads of where to proceed. i gave him space and i respected what he said. i then tried to bring him back slowly. but not too much. and it seemed to be good. the affection. the i love yous came back. then i got scared i wasn’t “ giving enough space”. and backed off and i see attitude and distance from him. i know now what works. a little of both bc he responds to it. bc i am the one who is sick. not sleeping. feeling i might want another man. but i dont. i love him we got two kids together but its driving me crazy but i have to see what works. and if it dont. it’s not meant to be. but i see too much distance is actually not the answer. this has been so draining on me. but this video was everything. you have been such a blessing to me through all this. THANK you. i could cry from relief today. thanks to you ❤😢
Thank you for this! I thought endlessly time was what I was supposed to give him, but it feels like it's getting worse. I'm a little lost because there is so little communication now that I can't even do some of the things you suggest. But the things I have managed to do, change the choice of words in communication, works! 🙏🏻
It sounds so hard to love someone with an avoidant attachment.
I had a friend who pulled an avoidant "drama" once. I told him to get lost immediately. There are things I noticed about him:
1)They don't make consistent eye contact
2)They aren't very confrontational
3)They have an insatiable need for attention that they themselves are scared of.
4)They are feudal and not problem solvers. Don't be fooled by any token efforts here.
5)They will usually try to exert control over small silly things. So you don't wanna generally budge.
6)they are conflict mongerers.
7)They cannot engage people intellectually for a long time
If you are generally a no nonsense person, you can bite their heads off. Tit for tat works with them bcz the one thing they are afraid of is losing control, as said in the video.
👏
wow what a spot on
I have to say, I’ve never met an avoidant person before this man. Giving him space is exactly what the moment asked for. I don’t need a man in my life who acts this ridiculous way.
Can you do a video on the benefits of being with an avoidant partner? These videos are making sense but on the other hand are incredibly depressing. I would never choose a relationship like this ever again.
:D I want to see that video! :D
benefits... there are none 😂😂😂
There are no benefits😂
@@nyuuuchan👏🤣
Your videos are so honest, straight forward and helpful. Just awesome!! Thank you so much 🙏🏽🩵✨
Update: He's on week 4 of taking space, so it's getting silly. I don't know if this is cover for a break-up. Saw him on the street at week 3 and he walked up and asked how I was doing...what?He took space after I found him talking with his ex gf. I also asked about marriage and got an emphatic 'no'! These are truths I can't ignore. I asked him if he wants to break up and he doesn't answer that question either.
Glad that you liked it!
I believe it's all an excuse for them to cheat😂
You just told my story of my 1 year marriage. I completely understand what went down now 😢
I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but I'm glad the information helped bring some clarity.
This video made me cry for a very long time. My avoidant has been out of my life for a few months now. And I hoped and prayed that he would miss me. But I guess the answer is no. A tiny glimmer of hope that was said to be the worst of all that came out of Pandora's box. And I would have to agree now.
The space ain't for him!!! It's for me!!!
What do you usually do during the time apart to help you come back more open to the relationship?
@@AttachmentAdam do me. . he better hope I haven't found anyone else yet .. if so oh well. If not I'll give it another go. But people come and go it's really no big deal.
@@AttachmentAdam and besides this personality type is exhausting. You need time apart because if you spend too much time with them you would not like them anymore. It keeps things interesting. A big game of chicken. Very exciting. But I just might be just as toxic.
Absolutely
This is so damn true. I have given my bf almost 6 years, hoping that he would want to move in with me and I never pushed. He only wants more space :D
omg I was with mine almost 5 years and we never took the next step. we did talk about moving is, marriage and kids, but he was always saying „not yet“😑 so I told him, I will move on and walked away. it has been 7 weeks of no contact
It’s because he knows you’re hoping. The minute you get on with your life and stop wanting anything from him, he’ll stop being so aloof. If not, let it go and be glad you can now move on to find someone who is more open to the things you want.
Hey girl. If you have asked him to move in and he’s said no after six years I’m sorry to say it’s never going to happen. Please give up on him. I was in a relationship with a severely manipulative avoidant man and it was traumatizing and really bad for my self esteem. I’m so happy I left. If ur with someone u are constantly hoping will change it’s just going to damage you psychologically. Maybe show him some of Adams videos and unless he gets excited about working on his attachment style it’s never going to work and there is no hope.
Don’t waste another minute!!
@@TanjaMacyyyKeep no contact, work on being securely attached and while you are away from him, dont hope for him to see the light and call you bck....move on.
i live with my ex avpd who i used to date but broke up with him when i couldn't figure this out and needed physical love - but we live together , separate rooms. it's been a rough year but after we broke up he also quit drinking cold turkey to save his job - i want to say that this guy just did that - he just stopped - when I say stoic it's an understatement because there are no words for that kind of strength. i supported him platonically we had a nice pleasant living arrangement - really very transactional - i let him barter with me - he keeps the pantry supplied with coffee and i take out the trash but it works - we are platonic now. i'm easing into it. anyway - he is in 2 days isolation im not sure what caused it but - he stepped out to resupply the coffee . these guys do care i wanted to share this as one way they show it. thanks
As a therapist I find that we overlook the likelihood that many avoidantly attached people are neurodivergent. In addition to the trauma, their nervous system simply CANNOT engage in healthy interpersonal relationships.
Hi, is this the case for people with adhd? Do they just not realize they can’t form normal bonds? I think I’m going through this. I always brought it up to him that he’s cold and seems distant even though we are married. He left so idk what’s gonna happen now. I felt alone very often and didn’t think he could settle in a safe place with me. I always brought things up, bt I don’t think he understood and it would make things worst some times
People go poking a dog with a stick, and then wonder why they're getting bitten. I can't speak for other avoidant people, but I know I myself am not out there looking to get into relationships, exactly for this reason. People will be too exhausting and demanding, and I will never be to them who they want me to be. So what would be the point. I suspect that other avoidants aren't the ones seeking these relationships, but others trying to impose expectations on the avoidant, that they never will meet, because that isn't who we are.
@@bradleyfrank7933 It's a raw deal that you grew up getting poked by a stick and that is what has imprinted onto you, making it familiar. Did you know there's a way to release that trauma so you can attract people who won't poke you? It's kind of like an abused woman who finally finds courage to leave and then ends up in another abusive relationship. Until a person realizes that 'familiar' is not normal and that embracing change to something unfamiliar is actually safe and healthy, they'll be deprived of what they truly deserve - a long lasting, meaningful, loving connection. Work through the trauma, don't get robbed 2x!
Thank you, Adam, you saved me from going insane as a FA. My DA ran because of my emotional overload and I thought it was because of lack of love
Happy to help! How are you going to use this information moving forward in your relationships?
I just turned 40… I don’t even know how to begin to address this or if it’s even worth it/possible.
My father was adopted n’ my mother has self-esteem issues.
I have no clue how to bond; lost a 16yr marriage and have destroyed any attempt after. I fell in love last year it was so awesome and he ran away. I give up. I am so sad and tired this scenario is my whole life experience.
I have literally gone into mental health work to help figure this out in 2006 but no clues until now.
Thank you, for your work*
I need to think about how to apply this in my life moving forward.
I also feel like that’s so much darn work for the woman😢like do men ever lead in helping themselves or are woman literally here to just to keep helping men be successful, happy and on track.
I am torn on what to do with all the men in my life at this point. They all just think I am mean.
Mean while the world is changing and I have never felt safe. I am definitely closing down around all of this and more bracing for the impact of being old n’ single.. n’ mean I guess lol😭
… I can try to integrate this quickly 😮💨👌🏽
It's not you, it's them! Keep your energy up and stay focused on what is working and going well. Get good at saying no and passing on those who don't match your energy!
😂❤Adam you are a genius man and great counselor for this generation 🎉
We are 6 months in. We had a massive honey phase the first two months. Now I see him 1-2 times a month. I feel he loves me but he can’t tell me. When we see each other there there is always a touch of magic. He is very regular with sending me one very small text a day. He keeps in touch. I have decided I would express love to him even though he doesn’t and he reacted positively. He told me he was touched. Now I don’t refrain myself to express love even though he can’t for now. I still feel he loves me deeply, so I am hanging on to that. Your channel is very helpful. Thank you.
That small text every day sounds like bread crumbing. He gives you just enough connection to keep you on the hook, but meanwhile you are starving.
You deserve to have all that love reciprocated.
He is breadcrumbing you. Breadcrumbing.... if you put up with it.... will lead to you getting addicted to him in a very unhealthy way as you wait for the next time you see him or get a text to get that dopamine hit you've been waiting for. Texting someone has zero emotional commitment to it. I would give him a heads up that this relationship is not meeting your needs for emotional connection or even physical connection for that part.
It's not a "method" it's a healthy letting go.
Brilliant discussion
Excellent Analysis
Thank you Sir
I agree!!
I love your work, and I always love listening to you Adam
Thank you
I am an avoidant but if I feel you get distant, i will stay distant too but I will think why you stop giving attentions..It makes me think possible reasons and caught up.
Thank you Adam! THIS was my experience with my avoidant man. I am taking your course, & he's showing signs of improvement!!! ❤❤❤
Wow, I'm so glad to hear this! What signs of improvement are you most excited or happy about?
Sounds like nothing works… give him space, don’t give him space, etc…
exactly
Therapy and coaching are something that we need, to understand our emotions and share with others. This is what we learn in group therapy, talking about emotions.
In your experience, what’s been the biggest shift for you after talking about your emotions in a group setting?
@@AttachmentAdam In a group setting is about to see whats triggers us and the work it starts. I think that I could be vulnerable and speak with other people about emotions. And now I can cry in front of someone and feel ok about that. And group settings show family dynamics. It could be the first time people have a healthy relationship.
This is the most helpful video I’ve seen on the subject of avoidance, hands down.
Wow, thanks! Glad it was helpful!
This is such great material! After my last break-up 2 months ago, I started watching your videos on avoident men and they are SPOT ON! If you fit any of these avoidant man criteria in the way I do or know anyone, please share it with them, it will save their relationships and change their lives. I had to learn it the hard way, but if you take Adam's advice seriously, you can avoid a whole lot of heartache.
Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback. Always happy to help!
Hi Adam, would you please make a video where you give your point of view about how to handle breakup with an avoidant/disorganized and about no contact?
You often talk about the anxious - avoidant dynamic, id be very interested to hear your perspective on a fearful avoidant- dismissive avoidant dynamic. Thanks 😊 love your videos ❤
I have been watching majority of your videos thinking my boyfriend is the avoidant but every time I discover more and more that I’m the avoidant. I’m an avoidant woman! In this video, what resonated is being told to turn right will make me want to turn left. I don’t know why I’m like that but I hate being told what to do and I like to solve issues alone. I don’t need anyone physically present to help me solve issues so I avoid people until I figure it out. I escape for sure.
Me too !
Adam I also experienced this with FA woman. I appreciate what you say but how do you expect the average, heck even the non-average person to understand Risk-Assesement brain form the jump? I gave her a couple of chances, I saw that she was avoidant, we weren't even in a relationship yet, it was the budding stage, but after a few a months I gave my closure and she deflected. If the budding-stage looked like this, I can only imagine an actual relationship .. Holy shite
Oh gosh….I have been doing it all wrong….they said in the videos give them time as much as they want…I really didnt know it would just make matters worse 😢
Same. I'm lost now.
When you give them time you have to just go and make sure they know you’re not waiting around. Free yourself to find someone who’s more receptive. The avoidant will either want you more the more independent you are or will stay aloof. Either way, take care of your own needs.
My avoidant needed space and would pick a fight to do so. This last time, I gave him the universe. There’s your space. Goodbye
Exactly my husband and I …except I am the avoidant and he is the anxious. When it comes to most people I can connect and feel relaxed, but when it comes to any anxiously attached person, including my husband, I just feel claustrophobic and so stressed I literally will have a panic attack if I don’t get away from someone so needy and demanding. I’m not sure I agree that an avoidant and anxiously attached person can help each other. I do so much better with healthier people that are clear on boundaries and self sufficient.
It seems like you're experiencing the complexities of navigating an anxious-avoidant dynamic. Both anxious and avoidant individuals face unique challenges and require different approaches to building healthy connections. How do you communicate your needs and boundaries to your partner in a way that is respectful and understanding?
Such a good video. Thank you.
Appreciate that! Glad you found it helpful.
Maybe women should start becoming more avoidant.
Trust me... They are! 😔
@@johnnydi2231 guess I didn’t get the memo.
@HollyMurphy3 Lol. Thank God! It's a nightmare from this end too. At least it is for me. It's absolutely awful.... Nearly unbearable, tbh!
Thank you. For not being like that.
Some of us are and then they come closer… but it makes me soft and reciprocate and then he runs away.
@@KVG822 Can relate. I'm AA, what avoidant type are you?
Avoidants are very often limerent as well, do be aware of it.
💯
Yep, learning my lesson with that now ugh.
👏
Amazing, this contorsion of words rattling out at 200 kms/hour. On topics which evock despair, anguish and keep people hooked. Thank you. No thanks 😊
He did. The issue is that instead of giving endless space - an exercise in futility - the better approach is to give finite space and negotiate levels of control in a way that allow for a more mutual relationship.
The reason he said it so many ways are people who just don't get it, because an avoidant person is neurochemically operating a little differently than a more securely attached person. They're in a high-stress danger mitigation mode, while you are not.
Awesome content, very insightful. I took notes. Big respect. Which is why I'm investing the energy to comment, it had a rather high level of (almost salesy) fear mongering in there that brings down the quality of the transmission. Inspiration is a much more effective driver of motivation and transformation than fear. Your reach will expand with this shift 🙏🏽
Thank you for your feedback and for taking the time to comment! I appreciate your perspective and will definitely consider it for future content. Inspiration is indeed a powerful motivator, and I aim to strike a balance that resonates with my audience.
There’s so much relationship advice out there that confuses me. Also the masc/fem dynamics are really confusing sometimes…Now I finally get it. What went good and what went bad. I hope to be able to do these steps so he feels safe again to relax with me and not need to pull away. But probably this will take time and cause him to run even more in the beginning when you start to address those things, doesn’t it?
Thank you so much ❤
If you get it plsss explain to me if u don’t mind x
Oh, Adam! You described my mom and dad’s dynamic to a tee. I used to be FA leaning DA myself and displayed a lot of the behaviors you described. I’m earned SA now, but it’s just so sad to see them still in that cycle for the last 35 years, not choosing to break up for God-knows-what reasons. Anyhow, thanks for all that you do. ❤ Will try to let them watch this video or have it played in the background at home so they hear it.
I found this channel recently and have found it very interesting; it has given me a lot of food for thought. After watching a number of videos on this channel, I wonder if my boyfriend and I are both mildly avoidant (ethical avoidant, I think you put it - we care deeply for each other and are not dismissive of each other). I don't think either of us is "afraid" of commitment to each other, per se, and that's where I think I've erroneously assumed that must mean that neither of us is avoidant. I think we are both very comfortable where we are in the relationship, but it feels like there's a gap that neither of us knows how to bridge. It feels like we are platonic best friends.
I'm not sure how to go deeper and build more emotional intimacy (I think he would be open to it). I don't think either of us has ever experienced "deeper." We don't know what we are missing, but I sometimes feel that "something" is missing.
In general, I haven't really been able to pinpoint my own attachment style because I get abandonment anxiety but am not clingy at all. I like a decent amount of space but long for more emotional connection. I don't feel afraid of intimacy in theory.
On a related note, a lot of stuff I watch and read says you have to ask for what you need in a relationship, and I have no idea what that means. How am I supposed to know what I need in a relationship? That probably sounds weird, but I think that might be my own avoidant attachment (or something like it). Another side note, I don't see myself as being avoidant, but if I really dig deep and reflect, I can see how someone who may have wanted a relationship with me in the past could have perceived me that way. How can you know what you could have if you've never had it and a good measure of emotional distance has always been normal?
Also, for what it's worth and/or for context, my boyfriend and I are in our 40s, have dated a lot prior to meeting each other, and are both fairly self-aware.
This made me almost cry. I just met a guy who i really connected with who just did this. He’s the avoidant, me the anxious attachment.
He just stopped talking to me and since I dealt with someone like him before i refused to just let him “take time” he said i was disrespecting his wishes and boundaries for days. It was because we connected and I think it scared him and he needed to gain control of himself. It turned into all this miscommunication but he wouldn’t even hear me out. He wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. I feel like I’m becoming an avoidant because of how I’ve been treated by these type of men and my emotional needs being constantly neglected.
Your video just made me feel like I’m not crazy for trying to talk it out with him. I wanted to listen to him, but I didn’t know how to communicate with him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not crazy for wanting to talk things out. Your desire for open communication is actually a sign of emotional maturity, and it's unfortunate that he wasn't receptive to that. What behaviors are making you feel like you're becoming more avoidant?
I just don’t know if i can do romantic relationships anymore… The advice given to couples is all over the place. how are you supposed to have a healthy relationship if you’re trying to fix your partner’s problems all the time while they duck and dodge accountability. But if you say ok i’ve had enough and you leave them you’re the bad guy now. When is enough, enough?
This is true! I’ve felt the same.
❤❤amazing advice Ty
Glad this was helpful!
As a woman who is avoidant...we are like this too. 😅 we just hide it a lot more because of society....
We are better at cheating too...no one would ever guess....
Being avoidant isn’t a big deal if you enjoy your own space! I just call it ‘being introvert’ so ppl can f*** off 😆 I love being in control and I keep everyone else away and at an arms length.
@@Nah-ah That's the problem, other people are the ones who seem to have a problem with who we are. They can't just accept us for who we are, and give us the space we want/need. Instead, they selfishly want us to bend and mold to what is in their best interest, never what is in our's. The sooner avoidants can realize who they are, the less they can give out mixed signals that leads someone else on. As soon as I knew, I keep everyone at a distance, to avoid situations that can be misunderstood or misconstrued. To avoid the pain any misunderstandings could cause both of us.
I'm personally having a hard time deciding if I want kids. I don't want to mess up their childhood like my parents did. 😅
@@Dreamweaver777👏🤣
Thank you for the insight..I'm so hurt.
They are too much hard work. Yep, after 9 years, we were married, and he had an affair... he was stressed, resentful, and blaming me for hus unhappiness. I was drained and exhausted, and I could no longer manage his emotions.
Your experience of betrayal is undoubtedly painful and challenging. It's understandable to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the constant emotional turmoil within your relationship. How do you envision the future? Are you considering reconciliation, separation, or divorce?
after a fight my FA long term boyfriend has not contacted me for 7 days, silent treatement… I texted him and called after a fight 6 days ago but he has not responded.. it hurts