Some victims of manipulators, don’t even see what’s actually happening to them. Many victims of this kind of abuse, are horribly deceived. It’s really hard to witness. Often times, there is nothing that can help the victim to see otherwise. That’s why so many abuse victims, go back repeatedly to their abuser. Thank God my mom finally had the strength to leave my dad but she ended up being as sick as him. She never got the help she needed and couldn’t get out of the victim mentality. I believe it’s ultimately what ended her life.
I wish someone had taught me this a long time ago. I don't like confrontation. Like you've mentioned confrontation can lead to needing someone there with you. I've allowed people to control and manipulate me. I admit I'm an easy target. If I stood up for myself, I always stood alone. No one ever had my back. I've been trying to build confidence and learn to stand up for myself. It's still a little difficult sometimes.
It very brave to be self aware. Noted there consequences for not confront & to confront. So if confront knowing where stand sounds better cos it tough either way. I found though cannot see God creator it trusting He always present. And found more practise speaking up authentically tho hard it assert what matters whether other side like it or not cos they tend just push what they want usually with no regard for people. Best wishes.
The people who should have taught me this were the controlling/disrespectful people that desensitized me to manipulation and emotional abuse unfortunately.....
Having a good heart puts so many at risk for these types. I’ve been treated my whole life like a indentured servant and it’s destroyed my life. I’ve confronted each one of them and they become vindictive and phyically abusive. Be careful, these people have agenda’s and if they don’t get their way they will literally ruin you in everyway.
I went to take care of my grandmother and it was a total disaster. Had quit my job and drove over 1000 miles to get there, had to make unreimbursed car repairs (was told not to worry about and I would get help paying for it. Ended up having to rebuild engine once there) didn’t really know her very well or that side of the family very well but I ended up learning the hard way. In the end, I had been caring for her 24/7 no days off, waiting also on her pets who needed 3 different types of food and those bowls full, which included constantly boiling chicken for 6 months in a isolated area 45 minutes from grocery stores ect, Dog not potty trained and hiked leg all over the house. Didn’t matter how much I took him on walks or outside at 2 and 3 am not allowed to do anything else about it. Controlling aunt constantly texting and calling giving orders when she want there giving orders. Smell in house overwhelming no matter how many times I cleaned the carpet. Mother had control of my finances and sided with her sister. It gets worse. How I got out? Walked away from 10k with no where to go or a job. Just packed up car and left my aunt there with a caregiver once one arrived. They didn’t think I would do that. Cut them off completely and don’t regret it.
Good for you it wasn't worth it anyway all the work and aggravation. Can take a toll on your health and you can end up with cancer from all the aggravation. The money isn't everything. Well I bet they're missing you now. Some people are just unappreciative.
After being controlled all of my 66 years. My mother died that was number 1 out of the way. I have now refined my "friends". I do not have many "friends" now. I feel great having got rid of these people.
This came in perfect timing. Abused by my family my whole life. Make a stand or you will be controlled your whole life. That’s the truth. The personality is everywhere.
After i called them out, the person started pretending I didn't exist, thinking that would hurt me. Honestly, I quite enjoy the peace their absence brings. On a deeper level, I have pity for these kinds of people. They're so weak! Playing their stupid games has to be exhausting. I hope they find something better to do with their short time here. I know I have.
I learned early in life about narcissist and controlling people. I found out the only way to deal with them is if you could don’t even get to know them, but if you have to get rid of them at all cost and don’t look back, I set boundaries in life and I’ve stuck with them. In my retirement years with my wife we pretty much just stay on our Homestead and are off grid cabin with the jobs we had we had enough drama good advice. You’re a very inspirational and knowledgeable person. Thank you for putting this out. A lot of people need this.
@@bradmcewenimagine a mentally ill kid telling you your harmless cause simply you got 100 options to put them in jail and you ignored it .... Too much time to waste
I had a super controlling, military style, narcissistic father. I’m just now at 50 really learning to set boundaries ! It is VERY empowering ! First make your boundaries clear to yourself -an then say to the other: I don’t want, I don’t need, I do not accept and so on. Don’t attack the other unless you like a fight -just say what YOU don’t tolerate anymore-and then stick to it over time. But controlling people are insecure deep down, and sometimes they can’t change, so we also have to prepare to remove ourselves completely if necessary. Good luck with your boundaries everyone ! 💪🏼💚🔥🐲😊
Yep. I am a survivor of DV. Planned my escape and did successfully. Went to a women's shelter & never looked back...I received great counseling while being in the shelter for two weeks then moved into a Women in Transition house for a year. Then got my own apartment. LOTS of counseling. There is help from YWCA's or from DV Shelters. Got to get out. All abuse "escalates!" It never gets better. Just sayin.
I have grown up through using Al-anon to wake up from the denial. I have spent the last 13 years making small changes. Eventually, these changes have led to leaving systems and individuals who were uncomfortable with my changes. The people around me now are gold. My quality of life is filled with calm, ease, peace. Difficult times are handled with less stress. Life is good.
Excellent topic! Few people teach this necessary skill in today's society. My dad taught me how to respect myself first. He spoke seldom but his quiet words were full of truth.
never allow schools to teach FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES in your child ……THAT’S a PARENTS RESPONSIBILITY……..those government schools ruined children…..you all want America to stand tall again …..TAKE THE POWER BACK …..START WITH THE CHILDREN
For me, it started with learning to say "NO." You can do it politely but it's good to do it decisively and firmly. It can be an answer to a question or an expectation. People give you a script to read and see you as the actor in that role. Choose not to accept it if it doesn't fit you. They want you to play the part of the victim/the bullied. Don't play that role.
Try to remember that “No.” is a complete sentence - it doesn’t have to be aggressive, just firm or decisive. Also don’t be drawn into trying to explain or justify your decision - you have your reasons, stand by them and don’t elaborate because that’s when all stops are pulled to control & manipulate you. That’s been in my experience, anyway..
@@FlamingCockatiel It can be very difficult but often people who tell you that are saying it to manipulate you and make you doubt yourself and your decision. The only advice I can offer is to maybe try regulating your tone of voice. “No” doesn’t have to sound angry or rude - if you say it friendly but firmly .. maybe with a smile in your voice .. and if they still push you, be patient don’t explain or get defensive, but stick to a firm but gently smiling “No.” If they insist on your reasons, smilingly ask them why it’s so important that they know? You have your reasons, your decision is No - and that is good enough. “Why” Is no one’s business but yours. The more you practise, the better you’ll get, have faith in yourself, it will get easier 💐
Since Birth I've Literally Lived With Toxic People My.Entire.Literal.Life... To.This.Day. I Choose Too LIVE In LOVE & LIVE ALIVE With LOVE & Now I Choose To LIVE &LOVE &ALONE &PEACE &JOY &From AFar 💔 🩸 💃🏼 ✝️
A few things have been key for me: BOUNDARIES! Stand strong in them. Not caring what others may think. Those who know the real you and the real them should be able to navigate what's real. You don't need to J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. I'll explain my position once, and then I'm done. After once, they get referred back to previous without re-elaboration.
WOW, this was well said! It is true, the fear is in not knowing how the other person will react. I'm a big non confrontational person. But, this was so clear for me, thank you.
The best thing to do when you're dealing with a controlling individual is to walk away and never look back. It's a sad thing to say, but too many people in this world can't make decisions for themselves, and they'll follow anyone. Controlling people feed on those types of people, but I'm not one of those. I don't care to control or to lead anyone, but I sure do wish there were a lot more people in the world with common sense. It's a fruit that barely grows on any trees these days. It's rare!
Thanks for this. I support an elderly man. As a friend. I wasn't on shift, but the son gets angry when I don't answer my phone, naturally if i on shift. So I just said don't get angry if I don't answer my phone it's in the bottom of my bag. As he just turned up, normally he's working I was visiting his dad. Well, all hell broke out!!!! I was met with, are you in a very sensitive mood today?? And he go so shout and angry, I just said, this is pointless and let them stew. He shouted in front of another person, his best friend that day who I was with. So basically he showed his true colours and god gave me a healthy warning😮😊👍
God used your algorithm to find me so that I can heal myself. I am in therapy for trauma I have been purging my life of poisonous abusive relationships.
After many years of intense therapy I can say hang in there, you can heal. I blamed myself for the failures and evil of others. It is a lie, it is not your fault. I learned to forgive myself and realize I could only do the best I could do at the time and that is well enough. I don't know if that helps ...
Boundaries can be , who you spend time with , how long you spend time with them , what you spend your money on, how long you are on a phone call, not justifying yourself to people, , who you allow into your home, who you tell personal things to. Practise observing and just listening to people and not giving your personal info away. Crappy childhood fairy is a good channel , I wish you all the best.
@@juliefall2892 In all these toxic situations and especially in dealing with my daughter's mother...now I understand why everyone recommends No Contact. Any contact with a narcissist will be an opportunity for them to manipulate you. I am so traumatized and hypervigilant that I refuse to open my ex's emails and her messages. I refuse to engage any communications with her... unless God forbid there is an emergency for our daughter.
As always, thank you for being willing to handle the complex and difficult life challenges. My experiences have been that if you do confront someone, even with gentle honesty, they may never get over it. There is a short-term loss and disappointment for having the ending of a relationship, but in the long run, your life will be improved. Perhaps later reconciliation can occur that is healthier for everyone involved. Sometimes practicing the discipline of not having the last word is beneficial. However, in all of this try to end it quickly. As my grandfather used to say, "the more you stir in horse manure the worse it stinks".
Oh yes! I have a horrible one in my life but the roof over my head can be at risk. I have learnt to shut it down when I have to, there's only so much crap anyone can take. Its like dealing with an out of control toddler. When you do confront it, typical bully runs away but then starts harassing other people to come & harass me. I have surgery coming up and for the 1st time, I've blocked the narcissist on my phone, my peace is my self care.
So good to hear a straight talking man. I lost my dad when I was 21. He would have talked like you. How I could have avoided so much toxicity in my life had he'd been there for me. You feel like my second dad when listening to you Hope you do more videos for women to protect themselves from predators both verbally and physically. From Jackie, England.
Thank you for addressing one of those rarely addressed survival topics. I think of it as verbal jujitsu. I didn't enjoy learning those skills, but I'm glad that I did. In an emergency, you want even-tempered people around you, whether they are in your group or just people you interact with briefly, and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
People like that need to be told to stay away, and if they come back around you need to notify the authorities that way it's on paper and there's been a police report made that you asked the person to stay away, that way if they come back and try to do harm and you defend yourself it's been documented. That's how you deal with a person like that no if ands or buts. And sometimes it can be your own family. Good video thanks for sharing.
That doesn't work here in the UK when the abuser is one of the protected race. I tried. It was me that got arrested... more than once, and charged with the very crimes the abusers had committed against me (grape, false imprisonment, abduction, torture, attempted murder etc). I am a severely disabled girl, I cannot cope with any more arrests. They are worse than the grapes!!!
Controlling behavior of parents. Exposure to the controlling behavior of others begins in younger years. Teaching our children to love themselves is a good defense against those that try to control them. It’s a good idea to provide guidance and tools, so that the person’s self esteem is aware of the danger of a controlling person
Thank you for your realistic views and advice. I am being stalked, harassed and my property has been sneakily vandalized by a controlling narcissistic/psychopathic neighbor and I absolutely appreciate your knowledge and advice. Standing my ground. Thank you!
Value you own boundaries, values and opinions and take steps to defending that❤️. Confrontation is ok. It's ok to get help. Something I learned from this.... Thanks, listening to this makes it seem like it doesn't have to be a big deal to be honest ❤️.
1. I read the good comments. We all probably have controlling people in our families. Like other people have suggested, you just drop them out of your plans/family get-togethers. Just nod your head if you have to meet them in a family situation. 2. We all have warring neighbors. I am the only one who gets along with his neighbors Read on and learn how. 3. Understand that everyone thinks he is unappreciated in this world. Most people build up resentments. I decided that doing that was a waste of energy. No one is actually interested in your opinions, difficulties at work, family, accomplishments, experiences. They are self absorbed. So, I inquire about the other guy's opinion, family, accomplishments, experiences, education and goals. That translates into the person liking me. So, I don't volunteer information about myself. With disagreeable people, contrarians (I may not always be right, but I am never wrong), find something pleasant to make a comment about -like the disagreeable person's grandchildren - and thank God repeatedly that you are not married to him or her.
I used to do this too, be into everyone else’s lives and it completely burnt me out and made other people take my energy. When I changed this a lot of people didn’t like it and wouldn’t let me get away with not being into hearing about their lives. Watch out
It was consciously recognising that the control was even occuring that I wasted the most time on. Very much the frog in boiling water analogy. I'm so grateful for advice like yours being available nowadays to guide people into healthy relationships with themselves and others. Thank you 😊🙏🏼
Thank you this was very helpful. Sometimes I feel like people like me but they don't respect me. Then some people just want to control me like their brain is trying to move my body. Sometimes it takes me 4 or 5 attempts to even get a complete thought out without being cut off or my thoughts being immediately rejected. I don't like confrontation but sometimes confrontation is necessary. I also have trouble telling who is my boss and who just is just telling me what to do with no authority. I've ended up taking orders in a work situation from someone who I'm in charge of and even ended up doing things that they were being paid to do. I also have a friend that we always end up doing the things he wants to do and never what I want to do. We eat where he wants and everything every time. Then when we go to his house he makes me take off my shoes and stands in the doorway blocking my entrance so I end up having to stand in his porch which he never sweeps so I get dirt and leaves all over my socks. Then after he does that he says, "You could have done that right inside the door." Then he gaslights me about every half an hour by saying, "Are you okay?" I'm like, "Uh yeah fine." To which he responds, "Oh okay. Just checking because you looked like someting wasn't okay. You got quiet." As if every second that were together needs to be filled with chatter. I can hang out with someone without talking constantly. Like he's watching my every move and trying to put a head trip on me. At least that's how it makes me feel. I like the dude but it bugs the hell out of me.
when i expressed my feelings and tried to share what was painful or uncomfortable, it would start another cycle of anger, accusations & threats. finally i packed up and walked away leaving behind my possessions and nowhere to go. walking away allowed me to breath again and BE my authentic self. ☮️💙🙏🏼💫
Wise words,there, Daniel. The reason why I left an unhappy marriage years ago. Still dig your accent, mate. Greetings and blessings from Melbourne, Australia.
Some folks are flat emotionally immature and never got passed the important value of morals. Be the one that cares enough to show them the difference but above all, never allow a toxic person to invade your personal peace. ✌️
We did he's watching all over my family and keeps going on nonsense no one has time for it like he's mentally unstable ... Facing people is easy tell the truth face up
Yeah it's gradual. If I don't love being around someone i don't spend time around them. I'm hoping to have friends again one day but this is my i prefer being alone era. ✨🌱💖🙏
Just knowing the exact rights and law in a situation and acting accordingly. But I understand: sometimes tricky with loved ones, but that isn't love when people don't grow out of their fears slowly but surely. Noone should carry too much for a too long time. Blessings ✨️
I’m being medically manipulated in Canada just had my surgery canceled I desperately need for asking too many question. I’m disabled and being abused and the police tell me I’m lucky I’m not out in the snow . THIS IS A CRIME ABD THERE IS NOWHERE TO GO
WOW! I just dealt with this type situation with a "friend" of mine a couple weeks ago. He's like a 🌋 volcano. About every 2 or 3 yrs he has an eruption. 😅😅. When he does he has a tendency to get mad over nothing. I just stopped talking to him. I figure that's the best way to deal with it. The end.
Excellent topic & talking points. At 74, I've known for most of my Adult life that I'm a caregiver in my relationships, meaning that I'm a giver not a taker. In my career, I had to take Manager Profiling testing on the 21 Manager traits most related to the job. I won't elaborate on them, but I found that my compromise, collaboration & punishment were my weakest scores, meaning that I had to work on boosting the points in those categories to please my CEO & business owner. After two failed marriages, one 25 years & one 19 years, I finally decided that I was done being controlled & manipulated & walked away from the situations, even though I had to excel in my career to be successful & effective as a Manager. Keep up the good content.
You are talking about my husband, still angry because many yrs ago, i had to move to find a job, he coped with it, but now i have been home For 9 yrs, and i found out why he is always angry, in anger he told me that i left him to go to Baltimore, I was working as a teacher, now, he is angry. Both of us coped when i had to leave to go to work. We would meet up in baltimore or home. Things were fine until now? For 9 yrs i have finally found out that he has harbored hate in his heart. So, i told him it was time for him to go live in the farm house which we bought together but never fixed nor did he want me to fix it. Now, i realize he is a controlling, person. You described him, perfectly. Thankyou, for your video. I have done the right thing.❤
When you say confrontation You are on point. When I disagree or as you say confront this person the response I get is 1. Agree tp disagree "is a copt out way of not listening" or 2. "you're so difficult to talk to. I don't get confrontation from anyone else I talk to and I deal with a lot of people everyday." (Which is not actually true as I have seen and heard the confrontations with others).
Grew up in toxic family dynamic, floating down the river of denial. Never taught healthy boundaries. Narcissist Mother who emeshed her troubles on me, including her dissatisfaction with her marriage? I'm a kid? Father was passive/aggressive. I ended up with low self esteem, guilt, shame, codependency because I carried all the emotional shame of the family and did not want conflict because when my parents fought, it was always, "Well if you don't like it, leave", which brought fear of abandonment.
I was ALWAYS told that all their arguments was BECAUSE of ME!! I spent all my adult life trying to fix them and play a referee! When my mother was ill and dying all of a sudden she needed me. I took care of her until she passed but I've been NO CONTACT since then with the rest of the family! I've been reborn.
Great video! I greatly appreciate your channel and the dialogue it creates in the comments and in my mind, it really helps me out and helps better my life. Heres my thoughts on this. The only real change is possible through physical strength and the ability to be violent. Stop listening to all this forgive and mercy crap. Its weakness. Dont be a menace to innocents, but you can not forgive and shy from violence. Yes walk away first but the whole way to prevent this situation getting to that point, is by going to the Gym and becoming Strong and learning martial arts so you can be confident in your physical ability. Thats the ONLY way youre gonna feel strong enough to handle the Confrontation needed to defend yourself. How are you going to sit here having the exact same physical life, and make no physical changes, and expect others to treat you better? You cant do the same physical life and only make mental change. This is PHYSICAL and only defined by Confrontation. If youre afraid of Violence, you have already lost. They only think youre a weak easy victim because you lack the strength. Im not saying use violence first always, but if you hesitate to use it when disrespected then youre letting yourself be controlled. Violence NEEDS to be the natural logical conclusion of Confrontation. Hesitation to use violence is why youre seen as a victim. If you dont have the muscle to use violence you need to go to the gym and take martial arts for 1 year so you can. Thats why we tell people being bullied that walking away doesn't work its seen as weakness. Yeah if you can cut the person off sure. But many times you are required to see that person and like any bully victims know, violence is the only way. Even if youll never be strong enough to beat up a 6 foot muscle hunk, the confidence that you get from being prepared morally mentally and physically to use violence will STOP lots of evil people from even trying to make you a victim. Violence is not bad. Violence is necessary. Better than being a adult victim. The weak people who repeatedly forgive are the eternal victims and live far worse lives with little achievement. You need courage to handle the risks and overcome fear to live a good life. An okay life where you have no self respect or respect from others is not good enough. Forgiveness is only good when you dont keep on doing it and show the consequences for people who dont respect your forgiveness. Thats inherent in the whole process, forgiveness wouldnt even make sense otherwise if refusing to forgive wasnt an option. That other thing, the opposite of forgiveness, needs to be an option or it's not taken seriously and the abuse continues. The weak hand is clean, the hand of mercy is stained with dried blood. People who teach to always only forgive and forget and never get revenge are the ones who create repeat victims and ensure future generational trauma.
Very wise information! I agree on all you said... A person really has to examine each situation they are dealing with. Make a plan to change. Fear is the bottom line.
Brother....been there. My ex knew how to manipulate me. I stopped hanging out with my friends and they stopped calling for 4 years. I did everything for her...almost cost me my military career because she had trust issues. Everything she blamed me for....she was doing. I had....came to the point where my self esteem was at an all time low and didn't know how to love myself....so I finally broke up with her. I kepted blaming myself and then I realized It wasn't me the whole damn time. WV4GAA OEF 12 YR US Army Veteran....stay strong Gents.
I agree with you. I’ve dealt with a lot of people that were supposed to be friends but they weren’t. They smile at you turned out to be backstabbers. Talk crap about you why? I believe they’re jealous of who you are and what you’re about so my advice if anyone reads thischoose your friend wisely or be happy being a loner for a while from San Diego. 2:59
I met a person recently, and they gave me their phone number. I think this person is a controller. I think that they want to tell me how to live my life. I won't be contacting them. It's best for me to avoid this person. I follow my good intuition . I go with my gut feelings.
I'm a quiet person. I chose distance but had to leave a child aswell as the child was being used as a pawn. Truly heartbreaking. Some people have nolimits.
I'm learning how to step back more, think about my response, or lack thereof of. It may have a new perspective of a given day. Not let people pressure me. Best response is, that's interesting. I'll think about that. Or if they keep going on, and on, walk away. Thank you for sharing that again 😊bye, bye
I would also say that things can get worse before they get better, when you put up a boundary they may push around it to test it, so keep holding out, pushy people are hard work they are used to getting their own way .
A CONTROLLING PERSON DOES NOT RESPECT ANYONE OR ANYTHING !
They don’t and that is often revealed when confronted. The confrontation will always tell the story.
@@411Outdoorsthe delusions should be real in real life oh wow false alarm 🚨
That’s totally right!
Exactly. They totally ignore or escalate with confrontation. No contact / removing yourself is the only option.
@cloudmountaindog8537 tired of this guy he's messing with my things 😭
Controlling people manipulate. A lot of times they are very sweet or friendly, but mean behind the scenes.
I agree. Mine is a controlling narcissist and I just have to remind myself I'm a good person and try to not let it tear me down inside
That was a sweet and friendly comment 😸
My ex sister in law is like this. Pays too much attention to what others are doing and not enough attention to what she's doing.
Amen to that...
There's a song..." behind closed doors"...
We get, what we tolerate! Choose peace over drama, calm over chaos, & distance over disrespect.
Some victims of manipulators, don’t even see what’s actually happening to them. Many victims of this kind of abuse, are horribly deceived. It’s really hard to witness. Often times, there is nothing that can help the victim to see otherwise. That’s why so many abuse victims, go back repeatedly to their abuser. Thank God my mom finally had the strength to leave my dad but she ended up being as sick as him. She never got the help she needed and couldn’t get out of the victim mentality. I believe it’s ultimately what ended her life.
Same ❤. Stay strong and know your worth and move on ❤❤
Well said
All the bullies I've had to deal with in my life were freaking cowards.
You've got to stand up to them to stop them bullying you.
They might act like they are victims.
Yes and because you stand up to them they call you the bully projecting their bs on to the other person big red flag.
You are so
Right! When you confront the bullies , they fold.
Teaching young children how to be emotionally healthy is crucial. Respect
And to set healthy boundaries
I wish someone had taught me this a long time ago. I don't like confrontation. Like you've mentioned confrontation can lead to needing someone there with you. I've allowed people to control and manipulate me. I admit I'm an easy target. If I stood up for myself, I always stood alone. No one ever had my back. I've been trying to build confidence and learn to stand up for myself. It's still a little difficult sometimes.
Jesus has your back!
It very brave to be self aware. Noted there consequences for not confront & to confront. So if confront knowing where stand sounds better cos it tough either way. I found though cannot see God creator it trusting He always present. And found more practise speaking up authentically tho hard it assert what matters whether other side like it or not cos they tend just push what they want usually with no regard for people. Best wishes.
The people who should have taught me this were the controlling/disrespectful people that desensitized me to manipulation and emotional abuse unfortunately.....
I do not let people control me anymore! I’m 60 years old and an adult! Sometimes it happens out of habit.
Isaiah 30:15
Boundaries are most important.
Having a good heart puts so many at risk for these types. I’ve been treated my whole life like a indentured servant and it’s destroyed my life.
I’ve confronted each one of them and they become vindictive and phyically abusive. Be careful, these people have agenda’s and if they don’t get their way they will literally ruin you in everyway.
Yup, every aspect of my life has been destroyed by such types. Every single aspect!
Best to get away quickly and quietly.
@@ElizzzaB That's what I did. No point confronting them: they just project, twist everything and become dangerous.
Yes some of these individuals will harm us!! Confrontation equals violence. Just trying to stay alive.
And yet these people will never know how beautiful it is to be in a group of good hearted selfless people, to feel real trust.
I went to take care of my grandmother and it was a total disaster. Had quit my job and drove over 1000 miles to get there, had to make unreimbursed car repairs (was told not to worry about and I would get help paying for it. Ended up having to rebuild engine once there) didn’t really know her very well or that side of the family very well but I ended up learning the hard way. In the end, I had been caring for her 24/7 no days off, waiting also on her pets who needed 3 different types of food and those bowls full, which included constantly boiling chicken for 6 months in a isolated area 45 minutes from grocery stores ect, Dog not potty trained and hiked leg all over the house. Didn’t matter how much I took him on walks or outside at 2 and 3 am not allowed to do anything else about it. Controlling aunt constantly texting and calling giving orders when she want there giving orders. Smell in house overwhelming no matter how many times I cleaned the carpet. Mother had control of my finances and sided with her sister. It gets worse. How I got out? Walked away from 10k with no where to go or a job. Just packed up car and left my aunt there with a caregiver once one arrived. They didn’t think I would do that. Cut them off completely and don’t regret it.
Good for you it wasn't worth it anyway all the work and aggravation. Can take a toll on your health and you can end up with cancer from all the aggravation. The money isn't everything. Well I bet they're missing you now. Some people are just unappreciative.
Jesus saves! Please read Revelation as we are in the last days.
You deserve respect. I hope you find people that value your giving heart.
That side of your family are "users". Glad you left. Hope grandma is ok.
You rock
Setting boundaries saves friendships, relationships, and creates a better work environment…
Setting healthy boundaries at work???? Thats just unamerican
haha
Yup, life is too short, to be "dealing with pretend friends"...
Yup
After being controlled all of my 66 years. My mother died that was number 1 out of the way. I have now refined my "friends". I do not have many "friends" now. I feel great having got rid of these people.
So true. It seems kinda like the less “Friends “ there are the better things go.
@@wittywooI can’t wait I’m 44 and. She won’t give me a dime and I’m suffering. I can’t wait until the funeral
This came in perfect timing. Abused by my family my whole life. Make a stand or you will be controlled your whole life. That’s the truth. The personality is everywhere.
There is a time for everything, pick your time...I believe we get depressed because our voices are not heard ❤
Young man, you are so right.
I'm 65, and I want to spend the rest of my lift in peace.
Peace from within and out.
#balance✌️ ☮️
After i called them out, the person started pretending I didn't exist, thinking that would hurt me. Honestly, I quite enjoy the peace their absence brings.
On a deeper level, I have pity for these kinds of people. They're so weak! Playing their stupid games has to be exhausting. I hope they find something better to do with their short time here. I know I have.
These people are sick and messed up in the head. They always ignore you when confronted
They always ignore when confronted as they are messed up in the head
I learned early in life about narcissist and controlling people. I found out the only way to deal with them is if you could don’t even get to know them, but if you have to get rid of them at all cost and don’t look back, I set boundaries in life and I’ve stuck with them. In my retirement years with my wife we pretty much just stay on our Homestead and are off grid cabin with the jobs we had we had enough drama good advice. You’re a very inspirational and knowledgeable person. Thank you for putting this out. A lot of people need this.
From your mouth to God's ears...
Oh Yes !
Well said. Being silent gives them the paranoia jitters...
@@bradmcewenimagine a mentally ill kid telling you your harmless cause simply you got 100 options to put them in jail and you ignored it .... Too much time to waste
I had a super controlling, military style, narcissistic father. I’m just now at 50 really learning to set boundaries ! It is VERY empowering ! First make your boundaries clear to yourself -an then say to the other: I don’t want, I don’t need, I do not accept and so on. Don’t attack the other unless you like a fight -just say what YOU don’t tolerate anymore-and then stick to it over time. But controlling people are insecure deep down, and sometimes they can’t change, so we also have to prepare to remove ourselves completely if necessary. Good luck with your boundaries everyone ! 💪🏼💚🔥🐲😊
@@heleneholm7059 great example as so many including me thought it best to express the actual boundary. The methodology you explained is the way.
Yep. I am a survivor of DV. Planned my escape and did successfully. Went to a women's shelter & never looked back...I received great counseling while being in the shelter for two weeks then moved into a Women in Transition house for a year. Then got my own apartment. LOTS of counseling. There is help from YWCA's or from DV Shelters. Got to get out. All abuse "escalates!" It never gets better. Just sayin.
Well done and God speed! I worked as a support worker in DV shelter long after my own experience of domestic abuse.
I have grown up through using Al-anon to wake up from the denial. I have spent the last 13 years making small changes. Eventually, these changes have led to leaving systems and individuals who were uncomfortable with my changes. The people around me now are gold. My quality of life is filled with calm, ease, peace. Difficult times are handled with less stress. Life is good.
Excellent topic! Few people teach this necessary skill in today's society. My dad taught me how to respect myself first. He spoke seldom but his quiet words were full of truth.
This should be taught in schools beginning in elementary through high school.
Yes to keep bullies away.
never allow schools to teach FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES in your child ……THAT’S a PARENTS RESPONSIBILITY……..those government schools ruined children…..you all want America to stand tall again …..TAKE THE POWER BACK …..START WITH THE CHILDREN
Lol Thats the last thing the government wants
This should be taught by parents. People tend to throw responsibility and blame on school for something the parents should've taught kids.
For me, it started with learning to say "NO." You can do it politely but it's good to do it decisively and firmly. It can be an answer to a question or an expectation. People give you a script to read and see you as the actor in that role. Choose not to accept it if it doesn't fit you. They want you to play the part of the victim/the bullied. Don't play that role.
Try to remember that “No.” is a complete sentence - it doesn’t have to be aggressive, just firm or decisive. Also don’t be drawn into trying to explain or justify your decision - you have your reasons, stand by them and don’t elaborate because that’s when all stops are pulled to control & manipulate you. That’s been in my experience, anyway..
@@jgfreer8322 I want to agree with you, but so often I have been told that I need to be tactful, even if it's not my desire. Do you have advice?
@@FlamingCockatiel It can be very difficult but often people who tell you that are saying it to manipulate you and make you doubt yourself and your decision. The only advice I can offer is to maybe try regulating your tone of voice. “No” doesn’t have to sound angry or rude - if you say it friendly but firmly .. maybe with a smile in your voice .. and if they still push you, be patient don’t explain or get defensive, but stick to a firm but gently smiling “No.” If they insist on your reasons, smilingly ask them why it’s so important that they know? You have your reasons, your decision is No - and that is good enough. “Why”
Is no one’s business but yours. The more you practise, the better you’ll get, have faith in yourself, it will get easier 💐
Since Birth I've Literally Lived
With Toxic People
My.Entire.Literal.Life...
To.This.Day. I Choose Too
LIVE In LOVE
& LIVE ALIVE
With LOVE
& Now I Choose
To LIVE
&LOVE
&ALONE
&PEACE
&JOY
&From
AFar
💔
🩸
💃🏼
✝️
A few things have been key for me: BOUNDARIES! Stand strong in them. Not caring what others may think. Those who know the real you and the real them should be able to navigate what's real. You don't need to J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. I'll explain my position once, and then I'm done. After once, they get referred back to previous without re-elaboration.
WOW, this was well said! It is true, the fear is in not knowing how the other person will react. I'm a big non confrontational person. But, this was so clear for me, thank you.
I agree with that message BIG time, mental abuse was enormous,
The best thing to do when you're dealing with a controlling individual is to walk away and never look back.
It's a sad thing to say, but too many people in this world can't make decisions for themselves, and they'll follow anyone. Controlling people feed on those types of people, but I'm not one of those.
I don't care to control or to lead anyone, but I sure do wish there were a lot more people in the world with common sense. It's a fruit that barely grows on any trees these days. It's rare!
Indeed . . .
Very Well Said!!👍👍🤗🙌🙌🙏🙏🥰
Thanks for this. I support an elderly man. As a friend. I wasn't on shift, but the son gets angry when I don't answer my phone, naturally if i on shift. So I just said don't get angry if I don't answer my phone it's in the bottom of my bag. As he just turned up, normally he's working I was visiting his dad. Well, all hell broke out!!!! I was met with, are you in a very sensitive mood today?? And he go so shout and angry, I just said, this is pointless and let them stew. He shouted in front of another person, his best friend that day who I was with. So basically he showed his true colours and god gave me a healthy warning😮😊👍
They use anger as a weapon of control.....hoping you cave I to them.
It’s not like she’s even loves me, she’s put my life at risk and my poor puppies and I are suffering.
God used your algorithm to find me so that I can heal myself. I am in therapy for trauma I have been purging my life of poisonous abusive relationships.
After many years of intense therapy I can say hang in there, you can heal. I blamed myself for the failures and evil of others. It is a lie, it is not your fault. I learned to forgive myself and realize I could only do the best I could do at the time and that is well enough. I don't know if that helps ...
@@aubreyleonae4108 I have been in relationships with a narcissist and a sociopath. And I have a teenage daughter with one of them.
Boundaries can be , who you spend time with , how long you spend time with them , what you spend your money on, how long you are on a phone call, not justifying yourself to people, , who you allow into your home, who you tell personal things to. Practise observing and just listening to people and not giving your personal info away. Crappy childhood fairy is a good channel , I wish you all the best.
@@juliefall2892 In all these toxic situations and especially in dealing with my daughter's mother...now I understand why everyone recommends No Contact. Any contact with a narcissist will be an opportunity for them to manipulate you. I am so traumatized and hypervigilant that I refuse to open my ex's emails and her messages. I refuse to engage any communications with her... unless God forbid there is an emergency for our daughter.
I really don't take crap anymore since I realized that God is the only one in charge.
As always, thank you for being willing to handle the complex and difficult life challenges. My experiences have been that if you do confront someone, even with gentle honesty, they may never get over it. There is a short-term loss and disappointment for having the ending of a relationship, but in the long run, your life will be improved. Perhaps later reconciliation can occur that is healthier for everyone involved. Sometimes practicing the discipline of not having the last word is beneficial. However, in all of this try to end it quickly. As my grandfather used to say, "the more you stir in horse manure the worse it stinks".
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Is What Drives People To Control Others
And Is Also The Core Root Of Bullying
Well said!
Fear, chronic insecurity, low self-esteem are roots
Oh yes! I have a horrible one in my life but the roof over my head can be at risk. I have learnt to shut it down when I have to, there's only so much crap anyone can take. Its like dealing with an out of control toddler. When you do confront it, typical bully runs away but then starts harassing other people to come & harass me. I have surgery coming up and for the 1st time, I've blocked the narcissist on my phone, my peace is my self care.
True
So good to hear a straight talking man. I lost my dad when I was 21. He would have talked like you. How I could have avoided so much toxicity in my life had he'd been there for me. You feel like my second dad when listening to you
Hope you do more videos for women to protect themselves from predators both verbally and physically. From Jackie, England.
Cheers! I surely will
Thank you for addressing one of those rarely addressed survival topics. I think of it as verbal jujitsu. I didn't enjoy learning those skills, but I'm glad that I did. In an emergency, you want even-tempered people around you, whether they are in your group or just people you interact with briefly, and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
People like that need to be told to stay away, and if they come back around you need to notify the authorities that way it's on paper and there's been a police report made that you asked the person to stay away, that way if they come back and try to do harm and you defend yourself it's been documented. That's how you deal with a person like that no if ands or buts. And sometimes it can be your own family. Good video thanks for sharing.
That doesn't work here in the UK when the abuser is one of the protected race. I tried. It was me that got arrested... more than once, and charged with the very crimes the abusers had committed against me (grape, false imprisonment, abduction, torture, attempted murder etc). I am a severely disabled girl, I cannot cope with any more arrests. They are worse than the grapes!!!
Not confront. But doing surprises...smt small, out of routine...this makes them confused and/or angry. That's how I open them!
Controlling behavior of parents. Exposure to the controlling behavior of others begins in younger years.
Teaching our children to love themselves is a good defense against those that try to control them. It’s a good idea to provide guidance and tools, so that the person’s self esteem is aware of the danger of a controlling person
Thank you for your realistic views and advice. I am being stalked, harassed and my property has been sneakily vandalized by a controlling narcissistic/psychopathic neighbor and I absolutely appreciate your knowledge and advice. Standing my ground. Thank you!
Value you own boundaries, values and opinions and take steps to defending that❤️.
Confrontation is ok. It's ok to get help.
Something I learned from this....
Thanks, listening to this makes it seem like it doesn't have to be a big deal to be honest ❤️.
1. I read the good comments. We all probably have controlling people in our families. Like other people have suggested, you just drop them out of your plans/family get-togethers. Just nod your head if you have to meet them in a family situation.
2. We all have warring neighbors. I am the only one who gets along with his neighbors Read on and learn how.
3. Understand that everyone thinks he is unappreciated in this world. Most people build up resentments. I decided that doing that was a waste of energy.
No one is actually interested in your opinions, difficulties at work, family, accomplishments, experiences. They are self absorbed. So, I inquire about the other guy's opinion, family, accomplishments, experiences, education and goals. That translates into the person liking me. So, I don't volunteer information about myself.
With disagreeable people, contrarians (I may not always be right, but I am never wrong), find something pleasant to make a comment about -like the disagreeable person's grandchildren - and thank God repeatedly that you are not married to him or her.
I used to do this too, be into everyone else’s lives and it completely burnt me out and made other people take my energy. When I changed this a lot of people didn’t like it and wouldn’t let me get away with not being into hearing about their lives. Watch out
It was consciously recognising that the control was even occuring that I wasted the most time on. Very much the frog in boiling water analogy.
I'm so grateful for advice like yours being available nowadays to guide people into healthy relationships with themselves and others. Thank you 😊🙏🏼
Proverbs 21:19
“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.”
Funny you assumed it was a woman!!! LOL
@@letthereberightprob is
Us women wish you would go into the wilderness and leave us alone.
Completely insane is really bad too.
@@aubreyleonae4108perhaps her words landed on deaf ears.....
This is such an important topic, great timing before the holidays as well. I bet you are such a great Dad!
Thank you!
Excellent video as always! Thanks!
Dude. Thank you. Your channel is great. More about healthy coping skills than anything else. Keep up the good work
Thank you this was very helpful. Sometimes I feel like people like me but they don't respect me. Then some people just want to control me like their brain is trying to move my body. Sometimes it takes me 4 or 5 attempts to even get a complete thought out without being cut off or my thoughts being immediately rejected. I don't like confrontation but sometimes confrontation is necessary. I also have trouble telling who is my boss and who just is just telling me what to do with no authority. I've ended up taking orders in a work situation from someone who I'm in charge of and even ended up doing things that they were being paid to do. I also have a friend that we always end up doing the things he wants to do and never what I want to do. We eat where he wants and everything every time. Then when we go to his house he makes me take off my shoes and stands in the doorway blocking my entrance so I end up having to stand in his porch which he never sweeps so I get dirt and leaves all over my socks. Then after he does that he says, "You could have done that right inside the door." Then he gaslights me about every half an hour by saying, "Are you okay?" I'm like, "Uh yeah fine." To which he responds, "Oh okay. Just checking because you looked like someting wasn't okay. You got quiet." As if every second that were together needs to be filled with chatter. I can hang out with someone without talking constantly. Like he's watching my every move and trying to put a head trip on me. At least that's how it makes me feel. I like the dude but it bugs the hell out of me.
when i expressed my feelings and tried to share what was painful or uncomfortable, it would start another cycle of anger, accusations & threats. finally i packed up and walked away leaving behind my possessions and nowhere to go. walking away allowed me to breath again and BE my authentic self. ☮️💙🙏🏼💫
Thanks, guy. Great information from a real, down-to-earth man.
I appreciate that!
Wise words,there, Daniel.
The reason why I left an unhappy marriage years ago.
Still dig your accent, mate.
Greetings and blessings from Melbourne, Australia.
Thanks my friend!
Damn son, the variety and depth of your advice is excellent. Respect from Oxford in the UK.
🫡 thank you!
He's not just another pretty face on the Internet, @@orangewarm1 😺
Some folks are flat emotionally immature and never got passed the important value of morals. Be the one that cares enough to show them the difference but above all, never allow a toxic person to invade your personal peace. ✌️
Thank You Sir 🙏❤🤝
EXACTLY! what I was worry about! THANK YOU ❤
The best way to deal with controlling people as to ignore them
We did he's watching all over my family and keeps going on nonsense no one has time for it like he's mentally unstable ... Facing people is easy tell the truth face up
Yeah it's gradual. If I don't love being around someone i don't spend time around them.
I'm hoping to have friends again one day but this is my i prefer being alone era.
✨🌱💖🙏
Such great information!
Just knowing the exact rights and law in a situation and acting accordingly.
But I understand: sometimes tricky with loved ones, but that isn't love when people don't grow out of their fears slowly but surely.
Noone should carry too much for a too long time.
Blessings ✨️
Love the content here.. the combative situations in life are 98%,, like this. The last 2% are maybe physical, (some would be only a lot of yelling).
Thank you!
I’m being medically manipulated in Canada just had my surgery canceled I desperately need for asking too many question. I’m disabled and being abused and the police tell me I’m lucky I’m not out in the snow . THIS IS A CRIME ABD THERE IS NOWHERE TO GO
WOW! I just dealt with this type situation with a "friend" of mine a couple weeks ago. He's like a 🌋 volcano. About every 2 or 3 yrs he has an eruption. 😅😅. When he does he has a tendency to get mad over nothing. I just stopped talking to him. I figure that's the best way to deal with it. The end.
LOVE THESE SURVIVAL TALKS THAT YOU DO..I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ALL U SAY.PROPERS 🏴💎
Awesome! Thank you
Excellent topic & talking points. At 74, I've known for most of my Adult life that I'm a caregiver in my relationships, meaning that I'm a giver not a taker. In my career, I had to take Manager Profiling testing on the 21 Manager traits most related to the job. I won't elaborate on them, but I found that my compromise, collaboration & punishment were my weakest scores, meaning that I had to work on boosting the points in those categories to please my CEO & business owner. After two failed marriages, one 25 years & one 19 years, I finally decided that I was done being controlled & manipulated & walked away from the situations, even though I had to excel in my career to be successful & effective as a Manager. Keep up the good content.
I HAD TO LEARN THE HARD WAY THAT'S HOW I KNOW U SPOT ON. I'M SURE U GONNA HELP THOSE THAT HEAR YA.GOD BLESS YA
You as well!
You are talking about my husband, still angry because many yrs ago, i had to move to find a job, he coped with it, but now i have been home
For 9 yrs, and i found out why he is always angry, in anger he told me that i left him to go to Baltimore, I was working as a teacher, now, he is angry. Both of us coped when i had to leave to go to work. We would meet up in baltimore or home. Things were fine until now? For 9 yrs i have finally found out that he has harbored hate in his heart. So, i told him it was time for him to go live in the farm house which we bought together but never fixed nor did he want me to fix it. Now, i realize he is a controlling, person. You described him, perfectly. Thankyou, for your video. I have done the right thing.❤
Best advice! Thank you!
I love your life skills advice ❤love from Australia 🇦🇺
Much appreciated!
Great video, dude.
When you say confrontation You are on point. When I disagree or as you say confront this person the response I get is 1. Agree tp disagree "is a copt out way of not listening" or 2. "you're so difficult to talk to. I don't get confrontation from anyone else I talk to and I deal with a lot of people everyday." (Which is not actually true as I have seen and heard the confrontations with others).
Thank you so much for your helpful advice. It's gonna help a lot of people 💕
Very good topic and advise. Thank you!
When confronted, some controlling people will simply leave the relationship to look for another relationship where they have control.
Thanks for this very Important subject.
"verbal judo" is extremely good skill to have.
Well said. Thank you.
Grew up in toxic family dynamic, floating down the river of denial. Never taught healthy boundaries. Narcissist Mother who emeshed her troubles on me, including her dissatisfaction with her marriage? I'm a kid? Father was passive/aggressive. I ended up with low self esteem, guilt, shame, codependency because I carried all the emotional shame of the family and did not want conflict because when my parents fought, it was always, "Well if you don't like it, leave", which brought fear of abandonment.
I was ALWAYS told that all their arguments was BECAUSE of ME!! I spent all my adult life trying to fix them and play a referee! When my mother was ill and dying all of a sudden she needed me. I took care of her until she passed but I've been NO CONTACT since then with the rest of the family! I've been reborn.
This is so complete and sound!! Thank You! ❤
Great video! I greatly appreciate your channel and the dialogue it creates in the comments and in my mind, it really helps me out and helps better my life. Heres my thoughts on this.
The only real change is possible through physical strength and the ability to be violent. Stop listening to all this forgive and mercy crap. Its weakness. Dont be a menace to innocents, but you can not forgive and shy from violence. Yes walk away first but the whole way to prevent this situation getting to that point, is by going to the Gym and becoming Strong and learning martial arts so you can be confident in your physical ability. Thats the ONLY way youre gonna feel strong enough to handle the Confrontation needed to defend yourself. How are you going to sit here having the exact same physical life, and make no physical changes, and expect others to treat you better? You cant do the same physical life and only make mental change. This is PHYSICAL and only defined by Confrontation. If youre afraid of Violence, you have already lost. They only think youre a weak easy victim because you lack the strength. Im not saying use violence first always, but if you hesitate to use it when disrespected then youre letting yourself be controlled. Violence NEEDS to be the natural logical conclusion of Confrontation. Hesitation to use violence is why youre seen as a victim. If you dont have the muscle to use violence you need to go to the gym and take martial arts for 1 year so you can. Thats why we tell people being bullied that walking away doesn't work its seen as weakness. Yeah if you can cut the person off sure. But many times you are required to see that person and like any bully victims know, violence is the only way. Even if youll never be strong enough to beat up a 6 foot muscle hunk, the confidence that you get from being prepared morally mentally and physically to use violence will STOP lots of evil people from even trying to make you a victim. Violence is not bad. Violence is necessary. Better than being a adult victim. The weak people who repeatedly forgive are the eternal victims and live far worse lives with little achievement. You need courage to handle the risks and overcome fear to live a good life. An okay life where you have no self respect or respect from others is not good enough. Forgiveness is only good when you dont keep on doing it and show the consequences for people who dont respect your forgiveness. Thats inherent in the whole process, forgiveness wouldnt even make sense otherwise if refusing to forgive wasnt an option. That other thing, the opposite of forgiveness, needs to be an option or it's not taken seriously and the abuse continues. The weak hand is clean, the hand of mercy is stained with dried blood. People who teach to always only forgive and forget and never get revenge are the ones who create repeat victims and ensure future generational trauma.
It’s hard when you are a strong person and realize that people maybe haven’t always treated you the best …
RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST …………HAVE PERIMETERS ….HAVE COURGE IN YOUR RESPONSE TO THEM
❤ Perfect timing ❤ thank you so much for this video, Sir ❤
Very wise information! I agree on all you said...
A person really has to examine each situation they are dealing with. Make a plan to change. Fear is the bottom line.
Thank you Sir wish i heard this years ago....better late than never.🙏
Brother....been there. My ex knew how to manipulate me. I stopped hanging out with my friends and they stopped calling for 4 years. I did everything for her...almost cost me my military career because she had trust issues. Everything she blamed me for....she was doing. I had....came to the point where my self esteem was at an all time low and didn't know how to love myself....so I finally broke up with her. I kepted blaming myself and then I realized It wasn't me the whole damn time.
WV4GAA OEF 12 YR US Army Veteran....stay strong Gents.
I agree with you. I’ve dealt with a lot of people that were supposed to be friends but they weren’t. They smile at you turned out to be backstabbers. Talk crap about you why? I believe they’re jealous of who you are and what you’re about so my advice if anyone reads thischoose your friend wisely or be happy being a loner for a while from San Diego. 2:59
Great points
I had to listen to your video a second time. You speak the truth.
I gave up on longtime friends, for being taken for granted. Hard Decision. P.S. Good Video !
Love ♥️ this advice.
I feel encouraged by your video. You out-lined the steps to take.
Thank you for this video.
I met a person recently, and they gave me their phone number. I think this person is a controller. I think that they want to tell me how to live my life. I won't be contacting them. It's best for me to avoid this person. I follow my good intuition . I go with my gut feelings.
Great advice! ❤️
One of the best vodeos ever
Thank you.
I'm a quiet person. I chose distance but had to leave a child aswell as the child was being used as a pawn. Truly heartbreaking. Some people have nolimits.
I'm learning how to step back more, think about my response, or lack thereof of.
It may have a new perspective of a given day. Not let people pressure me. Best response is, that's interesting. I'll think about that. Or if they keep going on, and on, walk away. Thank you for sharing that again 😊bye, bye
A very clear concise sensible and realistic summation of this topic. Valuable.
Problem is, in a relationship it’s difficult to see and ‘creeps’ in and ramps up, when you realize it can take a while to find the way out.
I would also say that things can get worse before they get better, when you put up a boundary they may push around it to test it, so keep holding out, pushy people are hard work they are used to getting their own way .