Was in tears by the end of this vid. I'm 26, from India and love my parents and they love me but they wanted or expected an obedient servant kinda son and I turned out to be anything but.. and that has caused so much friction between us. They were against me getting a job (wanted me to join the failing family business) and now are against me moving to a country with much better prospects than the current one. The hardest part is that I know they love me and want the best for me, but I have to soldier on pretty much on my own because they still treat me like a kid.
You are correct to have your mind open to new ideas. At times things may seem overwhelming. But one day you will look back and understand and smile. ALL the very best !
Japan is less extreme in this regard in my personal experience, yes you have to meet the whole extended family and there will be a yearly trip to go visit the in-laws but at least I don't find it paricularly oppressive or weird. My inlaws just pamper our son constantly and whenever I visit they pamper me to a sometimes ridiculous degree (wagyu every day etc) and they keep buying clothes for me, like pretty expensive stuff too. And they support us financially on occasion too, like helping pay for furniture for our new house and stuff and helping to pay for a fancy holiday to go visit my mom, and overall I'd say they are great, I have nothing negative to say about them.
@@The_Custos it is for sure, and mostly I even get to pick it when we go shopping. Only "downside" of it is after enough of it it gets less special and other normal beef loses its appeal.
My wife’s family still calls me “the American”. They don’t know my name, that will not say how is “your husband” and I’ve been married to her for 2 years and we’ve been to south east China to visit her family. They even went out of their way to remodel part of their home solely for my visit. There is definitely a different way of showing they care about you than American culture has.
They remodeled their home not because they cared about you, but because they cared what you thought about *them*. Well, on the positive side at least you are seen as someone they need to impress. The Chinese version of caring.
@@ExVeritateLibertas I suppose if they truly cared about me they would at least learn my name even if it’s the Chinese version. 😂 Now my wife, on the other hand... I believe she truly cares about me. She shows me every day. It’s strange how different cultures can be.
I go by the the term baby’s papa or something like that... “daowee” seems to be the closest they can be to saying my name (which is David) so no big loss 😌
The culture I grew up in, the German one, is very different from the Chinese one in regards to family. German culture is all about the nuclear family, parents and children. Old people don't want to be a burden on their adult children. That is an aspect of culture you can see all over the German speaking (Austria, Switzerland, Germany) and Scandinavian world. The most famous example is the "Ättestupa" in Viking culture, where old people would jump off cliffs to make life easier for their children. In Germanic tribes they would just walk into the forest and not come back. It is different in the Romanian part of Europe, Italy, Spain and France, where like in Asia, old people are considered more valuable than young people. Conservative Americans tend to scoff at Germany because of the expensive social security and welfare programs, but they misunderstand it as this "Kumbaya Socialism". What it really is, is a expression of the mentality: "I don't want to have to take care of sick and old people, so I'll pay the state to do it for me." There is nothing "kumbaya" or mushy about it. So you put granny and grandpa into a home and visit them maybe twice a year. This culture was actually very advantageous to Germany during the first Corona outbreak. It was young Germans, mostly university students, on skiing vacations in Italy and Switzerland (basically the German equivalent of spring break in the USA) who got infected first and brought the virus into Germany, but because there is so little contact between young people and old people in Germany, the virus did not spread to the old and vulnerable. I'm not writing all of this because I would think anyone here would be particularly interested in German or greater European culture, but to point out that this "deficiency" Chinese people see, at least once turned out to be a real boon.
Most American Indian tribes, certainly Plains Indians, would just leave their old, infirm people bevknd, sitting under a tree, in the snow, wjatever, to slowly die... Everyone who has. no Indian blood portrays Native Americans morally superior in every way, but that was not the case... (people with mixed blood know from family stories what really went on)
It's absolutely about survival. When the standard of living is low, your chances of surviving as a single person, alone, are very slim. So it was absolutely critical to have strong family and community ties, and being married and having children was a key part of that. But as your standard of living rises, and you can put some money away year to year, you can save enough to be able to provide for your old non-productive years. So having that support becomes much less important. If China continues to grow more wealthy, they will see the same trends. Right now, their children are their retirement plan. That will not always be the case.
We have social security and retirement plans here in the US so it has really changed the culture. If we didnt have these we would be much more concerned about the elderly now as it was in the past.
@@leverloos Well yes. You pay for your retirement and SS your whole life. I'm not sure it will happen in China. They are already well off for some time now. Maybe under different leadership but who knows how long that will be.
@@JG-id5vi I'm thankful we have the Medicaid system and Section 8 housing assistance and don't mind having to pay into it for it helped my mother so didn't have to take care of her which meant I wasn't trapped and prevented from engaging in work and travel. When your parents are poor, which is the case more times than not the world over, you'd carry their excess baggage out of filial piety which holds down many young to middle aged adults in other countries who have to take care of parents where there aren't any social systems for the elderly and disabled. I myself hope that I too have housing, healthcare, and personal services when I can no longer work and take care of myself, but things don't look good in the US.
I married one and it tanked... She was from the PRC and she had definitely different moral and ethical compass and hid it well until we were hitched. Beware the issues that revolve around worldview and values!!!
@@eodyn7 Bingo. I married an Korean woman from Korea, BUT she was kind of a black sheep with no desire to return to that society for more than an occasional visit. If she were the type to revere every aspect of Korean society our marriage would have been over already. We both know that the societies we come from are imperfect and so the reverence for one over the other isn't a contention point.
I am 44 years of age and my Chinese parents still interfere strongly on different aspects of my life. I am so jealous of Western families values, they can feel more freedom of it.
Not all Western families are how they describe. There is a crisis right now in the West, divorce is so common, single-parent households, and teenage pregnancy. Children are not raised well and elders are left to die alone in care homes. Some are lucky but things are getting worse is the West.
@@nochpo4230 As much as I hate to admit it that is true. But I did see a pulling together happen because of the pandemic. In my family the pandemic seemed to be much needed because it pulled us together. So do not count USA out just yet.
@@tryfreeforexsignalstoday it is warming to hear of a family realise it's value, that is one positive to come out of the challenging year. I am greatful you have a good family and wish you luck in nurturing it into the future. I hope asians dont "wish away" their families too hard.
The last time we went to visit Vietnam, my sons had a game called “spot the trash fires”. They counted at least 12 a day. Just piles of random stuff being burned, more so in the city than the countryside.
I was married to a lady from the PRC. It was a great marriage. Now, she had an elder sister who had their mother luving with her. Also, thos was a second marriage for both of us. It would be different for an only child, and a younger first marriage. We agreed before to talk things out. We took 2 years before marriage to get to know each other. The differences in cultures was a challenge, but one we both embraced. So it worked. Now before anyone starts typing " if it was so great, why aren't you married anymore?". Simple - we didn't divorce - the marriage was great until she died from cancer. I would marry a Chinese again. But I am later in life. A young person shouldn't rush in. Then again, marriage should be taken seriously, and should never be rushed into. Meet the in laws, talk things out in depth. If you can't, then you are not ready. Just my story and advice, whatever it is worth to whomever.
This is the most profound and I would say intelligent comment in this whole section, some people just can't get over from bragging how their culture is better, some are claiming they will never date an Asian(as if they had much options anyway😂), some cu*ts are being straight up racists, yeah your comments is real nice.
Your comment is very intelligent. I am a Chinese (race, not nationality) from Taiwan, and I married to an American for 30 + years. We took 7 years to iron out out differences before we married. We both believe people should find out each other’s values and views before they marry.
Chinese parents own their daughter. Yes OWN. During our 13 years together I had never spoke to her parents in China. During her parents first visit they learned that 1/ I was not Chinese. 2/ We had 3 kids.... At the airport her parents refused to get into our car and ended up staying at a hotel. *** You can see where this is going*** (they talked to her as a child and her eyes looked at the ground) She returned to China and I looked after our 3 kids. This was 11 years ago. So strange, so very strange.
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Whats wrong with visiting your family once a year? Thats not even a lot. I know its harder because she has to go to a different country but It's just once a year. A 45 minute phone call everyday is a lot but if it makes her happy then I don't see the problem with that either.
No one seems to learn from the past and are, at the same time, really bad at greed: if newly emerging economies took care to grow in a safe way that conserved the environment etc, their success would last much much longer...
Asian countries are like the factories and dumpsters for the 1st world countries. Few have done a great job maintaining their countries. Let's just hope some day all countries turn to developed countries soon.
In my family we have both ways: Care for each other (financial and practical), while treating each other like an autonomous adult. Those things are not exclusive.
I have heard similar comments from Koreans. Never been romantically involved with any though I spent a few months there. Korea is really big on Confucianism and "elders are always right no matter how stupid"
I'm curently married to a Pinay women from the Philippines. She is stubborn as a mule & absolutely refuses to move away from her family... Not even to a neighboring city with better amenities & infrastructure within her own country. They are soo deeply reliant on each other that it's unfathomable to her to be separated from them. She's comfortable with her extremely minimalist rural Filipino lifestyle & she refuses to leave it so I attempted to live with her there but after a year, I simply couldn't adapt to that deep provincial lifestyle and ultimately returned to my home country, leaving her in the Philippines. My sanity and my health were deteriorating rapidly there and I gave her the choice to come with me or stay there, she chose to stay. =/
I would like to hear your wifes’ equally brutally honest rant about western families... would be very interesting. Both what they initially misinterpreted and if they still fundamentally disagree of something in western culture.
🤦🤣 Don't you think that he did all this, before he married Vivi 🤦 What do you people think? As, it BLOWS MY MIND lol. As, the only thing her parents could teach her, is to piss on her new vegetable garden (to sweeten it up😭🤣🤮) When her parents visited them recently in the USA, the RIPPED out Matt's garden, planted vegetables and TOLD him and the family to store their piss, to pour on "her" new vegetable garden 🤣🤦🤮 Apparently it Makes them sweet!🤣 No, it just means you're digesting someone else's piss.😭🤮 No wonder Vivi can't STAND her mother. She treats her like a child, tells her that the only way, is "her" way and won't show ANYTYPE OF love. What kind of dysfunctional CRAP is this 🤦
I've live in Asia for a few years and as other mentioned, the culture can change alot from one place to the other, although the fundamentals of being shame based cultures is a constant. This is where there is a big split with western culture, which is guilt based. That totally change family dynamics. The exception would be Phillipines which is quite westernized in that regards because of the Catholic Church influence. Filipinas are lovely, although quite emotional, and can be great partners. I ended up marrying a Javanese village girl who totally love my family and how loving it is compared to her own upbringing. She's the sweetest thing and have a good heart, quite the contrast with the average Chinese girls I've known. The best girlfriends are probably Filipinas, indonesians and Vietnameses. When I first arrived there, I've met an American friend who married a Chinese woman and he explicitly told me to never marry one, his life has been a nightmare since then haha
Wow. Do you understand each other's English? Or do you speak Mandarin/Cantonese? edit: Oh wait, or were you British born and the other (he/she) was American born?
Winston, do not let your wife go back to china. the CCP has a long memory and long reach . they may block her form coming back. have them meet her somewhere like Vietnam of Taiwan
@@peterwang5660 It doesn't matter. We all know the CCP uses innocent family members of "dissidents" as tools/hostages in an attempt to silence anyone with a vocal anti-CCP message.
Totally depends on the family. I’m happily married with a Vietnamese for 23 years and have no issues. Vietnam is my second home and yes, we do (normally) travel to Vietnam once a year, sometimes more frequent. Have even spent longer periods of time there living with the family (up to 4 generations in one house) and become really good friends with most of my wife’s close family. Maybe Vietnam is different, my family in law just more open minded or I’m just super lucky. Anyway, just wanted to add that while they do have strong family bonds there isn’t necessarily a conflict of interest.
I think vietnam is generally more open minded than China but you are still expected to live somehow close to your parent's to be accessible in case of illness
Horrible... I feel horrible about leaving my chinese ex, but I got the feeling her family still are kind of positive to both me and my ex because we had a son and not daughter
That so sad especially when you consider that it is sperm which determines the gender of the baby depending on if it is an X or Y chromosome. Not that either should be hated for that. Reminds me of Henry the 8th, it was his little swimmers that were the ‘problem’.
Phil&liangbeihai - I'm guessing they always hated her, and the girls gave them a "good" excuse to blame their hate on. Hateful people will always find a reason.
As Taiwanese Canadian I will only date caucasian. Had really bad experience with a mainlander long time ago. Her jealousy was over the top. Even Chinese raised in Canada I find are too needy and family dependent. Been with my partner from France for 7 years now and we carved out a freeing enjoyable lifestyle.
One gripe I have is that everyone even Asians use the term 'asians' to refer to Orientals or east Asians, Asia is a huge continent people! Even middle eastern people are Asian too!
And you are not American because in the usa asian means east asian indian means indian pakistan means Pakistan, the middle east is the middle east, we differentiate between each
British public service TV use the term “Asian man” whenever talking about a Middle Eastern a criminal. Helping people to not get a bad image of middle easterners 🤦♂️
@@SuperAnimeking100 That's your fault for letting that happen. I know asian chicks like to shop, but you gotta say NO sometimes. They'll respect you for it actually.
Italian American families on the east coast often have the grandparents move in to live upstairs, but yeah of course grown children are treated as adults.
Same in Italy: we do take care of our parents, but we're given plenty of freedom during our young years and we're treated as equals when adults. The reasoning behind this is that we give back the dedication and love we were granted as children once our parents age and grow frail.
It sounds almost sociopathic to me as a Frenchman. I love my parents and sister, of course I'm going to want to see them once every few weeks at a minimum if we live close-by. I wouldn't want to move to a place that's so far from my family that seeing them would be very time consuming and expensive. They're more important to me than my friends.
@@Alsacien It sounds sociopathic to any normal individual who is connected to his family, community and environment. Blind consumerism and capitalism which encourage their citizens to use this world as a fucking playground breed such sociopathic ideology.
Taiwanese, HK is much different from mainlanders. Shanghai, Beijing, Guangzhou people are better. The rural people are a crapshoot. Really depends on the family.
Its more cultural than race. Asian Americans for the most part are not like this. It has alot to do with retirement plans and social security. European cultures would have been very similar pre 20th century.
The main thing is your not just marrying that person. Your marrying into the family. Meaning all your new in-laws. Your getting a new mother, father, siblings, grandparents. If you’re more focused on just the person you love ,you might not like this aspect of Asian family structure
NOPE! Only if the person allows themselves to be controlled by their culture and family! My hubby is Chinese and gave up his inheritance to marry me! He puts me first!
@Jenette T Definitely walk away now. I am Chinese, and I know the culture. His family is the controlling type, and he is probably deeply influenced by them. Any long term relationship with him would be poisoned by his family.
Plus I think he has said her parents have there own money they are not poor at all they don’t need them to keep care of them. It others in her family that felt they owed them something like they thought they should be able come to their home and take what they wanted when they were moving here. And some stuff was disappearing from there house at the time.
@@macf1040 Same goes for S. Korea and Singapore. I can’t personally speak for any other Asian countries, but i’m reasonably sure it isn’t as bad in there as in China.
ADVChina big fan of Serpenza and CMilk, but you're wrong it is really different from person to person, been with Chinese and broke after 3 weeks when she told me i had to buy a house later and let her parents live with me for the rest of my life... I'm a husband not a nun. But i've been living with a Vietnamese Girl for the past 6 years and she's really awesome and never had any issues with her, she doesn't also want the chinese style family model with me and kinda is simillar to Polish-German (Silesian) family model which i really love. So a lesson, don't put all cats into one bucket as there are some "space-grey" ones but we don't have to tell that all cats in that bucket are like them.
Serpentza and CMilk picked the worst kind of Asian women, Chinese. I’d go for Thai, Filipino or Vietnamese. They’re more chill and better looking. The Chinese ones are crazy
Not many Americans are aware of the lifestyle of the school age kids in China...... It brought me to tears when I was told of this....yet they are happy. Mostly
@@lynnamarsh6384 It really depends about the parents’ attitudes. There are pretty high suicide rate among Chinese children. I would say many of them are not happy.
I come from a family full of teachers spanning 3 generations and let me tell you... My childhood sucked. Sure I didn't starve or anything, but I didn't do much besides study. Now I'm just trying to remove it from my system
Yea you are so true. My parents don’t care. What is a good kid? Who bring more money into the household then you are the better kid I am living in another country, my parents never ask what do you do over, they ask what job do you have. I gave up years ago
Not all retirement homes are the same. I worked at a nursing home for two years and the people there were treated very well indeed. In many cases, the people living there had requested to live there for the sole purpose of not having their family have to put up with the problems that come with them aging.
@@-haclong2366 I will go into an old folks home on my own when I am old. I would rather not become a burden to my children and forcing them to basically raise me especially if they have children they need to be tending to... I am old let me die alone and in peace. I don’t want to be gawked at and worried over while I am dying.
I think a lot could be improved by I told icing a "civil draft", kids from 1i to 3p who are required to serve the community however they want (from a list if duties), poem working in hospitals and nursing home, just showing up and playing cards or chess everyday would HELP A LOT. Grown children in the US work their derriere off and reply have so little spare time, but this would serve everyone, also reduce cost, improve lives, etc If we can have a draft for killing people to protect America, why not a draft for improving Americans lives...
I’m an American who married a Chinese Cambodian in Cambodia. We did move to the US after our son was born. Mother-in-law drove me crazy when she lived with us for 5 years but we have a great relationship now. Now the kids have kids of their own and they fight over who gets me (Grandma) for the day. They take great care of me (I retired a year ago), I live with them (I have a room in each house), unfortunately their dad passed away and their grandma lives far away near her other son but they are solidly bicultural. My white peers think I’m crazy for living with my kids but I love it!
Southeast asians a very different for the most part. But yes it's good to learn the cultural differences of anyone you want to get into a serious relationship with.
i really appreciate all your relationship videos. have used them to start conversations with my first gen American born Chinese gf. turns out she is far more influenced by American culture than by her Chinese family. these videos have not been directly relevant... but they are very interesting!
@@roderickwhitehead i just mean things like "she doesn't want her parents to move in with us after we get married" american customs rather than chinese customs. not sure what you thought i meant.
@@andy4an Modern American culture (to me) seems to be that it is well and proper for parents to groom Narcissists... It truly seems to be a culture that constantly stunts moral imaginations with the low expectations of perpetual adolescence. Baby bird people.
@@roderickwhitehead i think you're reading far too much into my comment. and possibly projecting. if you watch the videos these guys make on families, they talk about the good and bad of different cultures, as things to talk about and learn before you get married. I'm just talking about the broad strokes, and not implying that everything about a culture is bad or prone to abuse.
My Chinese girlfriend of 5 years is 8 years younger than me and her Mum is 8 years older than me. Her mum treats me like a teenager even though our age difference isn't too large. In my life I have travelled the world. Paid for myself to go through university up to masters level, working full time while studying. I've worked jobs from factories, driving, acting, catering and teaching. I'm now at the top of my field earning more in a year than my girlfriends mum has earned in a decade and a half. Yet her Mum who has worked in a clothes factory all her life, never left China, never studied and barely even seen any of her own country treats my like a foolish teenager.
This hits close home. Whenever my mom talks to me, she has to ask me HOW MUCH I’m earning. She doesn’t care about how I’m doing, but if I’m making money. If she asks how I am, generally is to talk about her problems and how she has it worse and let’s not talk about the eternal guilt trip of self sacrifice so you have to take care of them forever or you are an ungrateful child. I wish no child would have to grow up in a family where your only future is to take care of your parents no matter how shitty they are. It should be something you desire to do, not something that makes you model your life prospects in order for it to fit their ideals.
I think Asian cultures need to change this one little thing about our reverence for the old, the parents must EARN it. Just that simple, the values and what a child should do if they are grateful stay the same, but if it is reasonable to see and say that the parents are treating their relationship with their children as a transactional thing, conditional love etc. then the child does not have to worship them. A while ago my parents once broke down after losing their tempers when my poor time management and sleep schedule had broken the last straw telling me about all the things they did for me (lying flat on the floor just to see if the lights were actually off and I was sleeping for example when I had locked the door) and explaining to me they didn't mean the things they just said and all of the horrible things they had said before when they had their patience exhausted. They just wanted me to sleep well. They had hit themselves, raged at themselves for their own reasons, my dad for example always thought to himself "I can manage so many people at work but I can't manage my own son". They didn't want to bring it up but I made them admit it and yeah I made them rage like this all the time and with my dads high blood pressure I am kind of killing my dad. And that night it was spilled all in front of me I collapsed into tears and kowtowed. I barely scratched the surface of the revelations about the sacrifice they had made for me. They are pretty westernized always telling me to follow my interests in life telling me they will be fine (although they truly will, I doubt I will ever be as successful as my dad) etc. But I find myself fitting into the traditional role of the child: You can imagine after THAT moment it became vastly more important to me to be a good son and express my newfound level of filial piety.
@@peterwang5660 I’m glad your parents were honest and things changed for you. Sadly for me, there’s just no changing. I’ve heard her over and over again say that she’s the way it is so that I have a tough skin and realize shit (never worked). At the end it was just so that I lived my life the way she wanted it, but no matter my grades or my career of choice or how well I did in what I was studying, it was never enough. She has also told me to Kill myself, that she wishes she had aborted me and that I’m her biggest regret (and no, it was not earned, it was just one of her normal narcissistic rages when you prove clearly that she’s wrong). Then she apologizes, says she doesn’t mean it, but then does it all over again. The constant guilt tripping, name calling, coin flip attitude... and then saying how I and my brother should take care of her in the future... it just doesn’t make sense at all. Like dude, I’ll always be grateful if the sacrifices she made for me and I can acknowledge how difficult her life was, but there’s just things you cannot justify, that no “good person” would say (at least the physical violence stopped when she got divorced and became more westernized). I’m tired of all that and I know for fact that it won’t change because I’ve tried what I could and nothing worked. She never understood that what I needed wasn’t money, food and a place to live, I just needed someone to love me unconditionally for the way I am and a place to call “home”. Sadly, artists are just not what many Asian parents want from their kids and some will never understand the choice xD I really hope future generations, if they choose to be parents, they understand that they can’t just try and discipline their children with physical, psychological and emotional abuse... respect for older people should still exist, but not to the point that it is a pass card to treat their children like human garbage and then demand them to be perfect and to sacrifice their future for them. At the end that turns into a toxic cycle, until one of the pieces can’t tolerate it no more... some parents can change, some just stay inflexible and will never she the wrong in their actions.
You don't just marry a Chinese girl, you marry her family... even here in the U.S. my wife is still always sending money back to China to take of her mother and/or adult son. You both are absolutely correct, it is admirable in some ways, but so frustrating in others, like an outdated blind ancestral devotion to inflexible customs... my favorite drama of my wife recently, was about her son needing to pay the dowry to his girlfriend's parents.... yeah.... stay well
My parents looked after my grandmother at home when she could no longer look after herself. They made the decision not to expect their children to have to do the same for them. They got involved and help build a not for profit retirement village in the local community. Twenty years of independent living before they needed the extra support from the family, who all pitched in. The last few years were tough but they lived the life they wanted to and knew their family was their for them without "obligations", just love. This is a reflection of independence and familiar bonds of modern western families and every bit as strong as traditional eastern culture.
Im American, but after spending time living in India and Nepal, I believe that when my mom gets old I will build her an apartment onto my house and let her stay with me.
Im American, but after spending time living in India and Nepal, I believe that when my mom gets old I will build her an apartment onto my house and let her stay with me.
Im American, but after spending time living in India and Nepal, I believe that when my mom gets old I will build her an apartment onto my house and let her stay with me.
I been around many Asian people and there are differences depending on the country they come from. I became very happy with my own culture as a white American even more after being around asians that have come here in the past 30 years. They come, but most don't try to assimilate. I also personally spend many years around a Japanese family who came here before WW11 and they were the most patriotic Americans of any Asian group I've been around. They were in the concentration camps during that time and held no bitterness. Japanese were horribly brutal to Americans during WW11 and they got that.
@@speedR97 oh really? so the conversation is also 2y old? (the situation in the video seems to interfere with the conversation: "hey truck, don't run over me" :D ) if so, i feel cheated, ha ha ;-)
Yes you guys nailed it. I want it so bad to be able to have adult to adult conversations with my parents but they just have to talk down to me as if I'm still three years old 😂
This one carries a lot more weight knowing that you guys almost broke up in the first attempt at recording. “Some feelings were harmed in the making of this film.”
what's wrong w/ visiting your parents once a year? they are no strangers. i've been called unresponsive by coworkers when i don't call them up after leaving my job. not like they ever call.
@@joeblow5178 really depends on the parents. My wife's parents were officers in the PLA and refused any monies or gift from me. It did take a couple of years to win them over as they considered me an enemy...lol
@@intothepandemic3378 Every none Chinese is the enemy of the CCP. CCP says: China has been a victim of all the evil governments and their evil people. All Asian countries soon be absorbed. The CCP has hard wired the China minds with this one "united thought".
@@joeblow5178 no mate, that's probably not how it is, most of what parents look for is that their daughter is able to live a stable life, you know a place to live, clothes to wear and food on the table, I am talking in general terms for Asian parents, of course it could be slightly different from culture to culture and person to person but isn't it what most parents around the world desire even in Western society that's mostly true.
@@brownerjerry174 It is hard to understand the strange Chinese mind. Their education changed culture is focused on the families long term finances and keeping the family purity. For financial and politcal gain they may allow outsiders DNA. A child that is not physically or mentally correct, is a 100 generation weakness. Unacceptable ***
Great video. Difficult for westerners to understand the pressures and guilt Asian children feel, even as adults. I'm from US, but try and hit a happy medium with my spouse. I do admire how her family helps one another and respects their elders, or even pushes children to succeed (as long as pressure is reasonable); but, the constant control and loss of privacy I sometimes find suffocating and restrictive.
That’s because for a Chinese man to score a “foreigner” woman is one of the most impressive things a Chinese man can do in the eyes of Mainland Chinese culture.
@@mikek5298 NO! He's ABC and he didn't want to marry someone like his mom domineering and angry! But the bottom line is because he loves me and he gave up alot of money for love!
@@theoneandonlypinkypinky8245 That's awesome. My husband is Taiwanese. When we were friends his mom liked me, but after we married her tune towards me soured very quickly.
@@buisnesscat1415 Don't deal with her at all! My hubby doesn't make me deal with her! Tell him you are his wife not his mommy! Tony Gaskins a life coach says you teach people how to treat you! He and she will get away with what you let them get away with! I wish you well! Life is hard enough without some controlling toxic mother in law!
@@theoneandonlypinkypinky8245 Tell me about it!! We have been doing reduced contact. Sometimes, she tries to ask me how he is doing, and I always tell her if he wants you to know, he can tell you himself. After I told my husband I wouldn't have kids if we didn't have our own separate home away from his mother, he finally got the point and reduced contact with her. She always complains about how she regrets she had to care for his younger sister and didn't have time for him, so in return she would like to raise our future kid(s). I told his mom directly if we ever had kids she would not be raising them, coming once a month fine ok, but raising them to undermine me is not okay.
My experience with Chinese in my own country has shown me that Chinese people don't marry or have kids because they love each other, but rather because it is looked at as a duty to the country. Met a young (23 years old) Chinese guy who had was married and had a 1 year old son and he told me he was incredibly unhappy. He explained that once he turned 21 his parents kept harassing him to get married to a girl he was friends with, both parents pushed the son and daughter to marry and have a child as soon as possible, but he explained that when he was marrying he thought it was fine but once the baby was born he said everything went downhill and that he realized what a mistake it was to listen to his parents, and he said that his wife was also very unhappy. When I asked about the parents, if they were happy, he said his wife and his parents are very happy and refuse to listen to any complaints by either him or his wife. He said he almost felt betrayed by his own parents, like they tricked him to give them a grandchild and now that they've got a grandchild they're not interested in what him or his wife have to say. I also asked him as a Chinese person if maybe his situation was just unique, but he explained that many friends he had attended school with have gone through the same problems. This is not an exception according to him in Chinese families but rather the norm, the exceptions are the marriages that work after parents influence. Read up on filial piety and when you understand that, then you realize the depths to which Chinese children are brainwashed by their parents to think they must obey every command of their parents, even to the point of a lifetime of sadness. This guy I met said he felt like a prisoner and I had to encourage him because he was extremely depressed, he also explained that the only reason he opened up to me was because he was out of his own country, but explained that in China one would never openly speak about marriage and family issues, because it is frowned upon to admit the problems. Saving face thing I suppose. If this is one boy who is willing to admit this only because he was outside China and he admits that many of his school colleagues have the same problems, just imagine how many young people in China have the same issues but never talk about it. From what this guy was saying I'd say it's a major issue within China.
When an older person tells you you're wrong and they're ALWAYS right, "I've eaten more salt than you have eaten rice". It's bull. And no matter what you do in life you owe them and should repay them because they gave you life and without them there's no you, so there's like this ownership idea. You're never your own person. Speaking from experience.
Well you have to fight for your own ground. Out of my own experience you have to question the dominance hierarch and make it clear to not mess with your own personal business. Even the worst bully/father will step down if you are determine enough.
@@skywallke Hence I've moved to a whole different time zone. I can't change them but I can try to change my situation... I feel bad but it's toxic having to be close to them too often.
My best friend was raised by chinese parents. They favored his successful sister, and treated him brutally like some kind of mindless robot who must serve them at any cost. Since childhood he was beaten a lot, often with lashes, and even made him eat comic books just because he read it. They had him do paperworks in family's company for no wage, and they took all of his opportunities he ever came across. There are more horrible things I'm not even allowed to talk here. He fell into crippling depression and attempted suicide many times. He has no energy or will left to leave the house at all, until recently his friends convinced him. He left at the cost of severing the family's bloodline. He's been staying at a friend's house with my support for a year now, and he is going through very great improvements.
You want your wife to visit her parents only once a year? Thats cold. Here in europe we also have a strong bonding with our families, if you are living close, you visit every week, if you live very far apart you still visit several times a year.
@Avid Tuber43 Many people in Western Europe visit their family relatively often too if they live nearby. Maybe not every week, but many at least twice a month. I haven’t known the UK to be an exception, but that’s anecdotal evidence so I might be wrong.
It's so interesting to see an outsider's view on another culture. Not that it's particularly bad or incorrect, but there's a lot of missed nuance. Speaking as a half white/Chinese person.
"They don't care about that their daughter is doing" idk maybe it's where I was raised but this is the norm for me. I don't know any different. Having my parents also be my friends and take an interest in what I'm doing sounds awesome. However I feel my situation is more like your wife's where I didn't do what my parents wanted so that's it.
Having lived this entire experience for most of my life, there are certainly things that the systems can learn from eachother and you covered the main point: individualism vs. filial piety. In the West, filial piety has becomes very weak. The state is looked to instead of the family for support, and this is a very cold and dangerous path. Of course, ironically, the Confucian values were torn out by Communism, and so China currently has the worst of both worlds. Ideally, filial piety is about the family being an extension of the self in an intimate and natural way. Communism can be seen as an attempt to force this on an entire society, which is not natural. I won't go into the value of individualism, because it should be obvious and it was well covered in the video. It is very important, but only when balanced by the natural cooperation of the family. So the best of both worlds is certainly the best approach. When individualism becomes selfishness or collectivism is enforced rather than personally selected then you get imbalance and certain trouble.
Honestly, I live in a predominately Chinese neighbourhood in Australia and I would often visit my nanna twice a week in the local nursing home. Partly to keep an eye on that the staff were doing their fucking job, but mostly because I actually loved her- not because of obligation. 80% of the residents were older Chinese folk and I never ONCE in my five years of my nan living at the home saw any younger children/grandchildren visit their older relatives. In fact, the nursing staff whom were mostly Chinese themselves always used to comment that 'I was so good' for visiting my nan. Err its my nan, of course i will? Totally disagree with Winston saying 'Oh come on its so annoying my wife wants to visit her parents yearly". Most people see their parents a lot, thats just what happens when you live in the same city, grown adult or not. There's nothing wrong with that if you have a strong relationship. Plus once your parents are dead, they are dead. I'm guessing Winston grew up in a very cold South African household and sees it as weak if you have a relationship with your parents.
What he describes is nothing like what I saw in Japan. And knowing quite a people married to Taiwanese, it does not seem to be near as much of an issue there either.
I don't think kids need to be 100% obedient with no independence, but kids also need to be pushed sometimes. They need to learn that they can't just give up when the going gets tough - hardships appear all throughout life so it's a lesson that shouldn't go unlearned. In essence, US parenting is sometimes too loose, kids can get a little spoiled. Asian parents are known for being pretty demanding, but that can be very restrictive and limiting for kids. Something in-between is probably a good goal to aim for.
Turns out money is more important than flesh and blood. My chinese wife left me and my daughter after 8 years in the hope to find a rich man. None of my Chinese friends can understand why she turned her back on her own daughter. I agree that Chinese people are good at hiding their real feelings. Just tell you what you want to hear.
Dude, in time you will feel you've dodged a bullet. Make sure you get counseling for your daughter though or she'll make similar mistakes. My father did something similar and I feel myself being pulled in that direction.
Oh yes, this is a money oriented hard world. Like Winston pointed out, you can't just be anything you want or do anything you want even though we're taught that in the West. All that saving face nonsense makes it hard to understand what people over there are thinking about you. I found them really tricky, passive aggressive, and dishonest though some of the same gender make great buddies to enjoy hiking, fishing, beer drinking, and such with. It's the women you work with or associate with any manner that are tricky nonsense.
The closest relationship Chinese people consider is the relationship between parents and children, not between husbands and wives. Hence the overstepping and dramatic mother and daughter in law relationships. And the relationship between parents and children do not adjust as the children reach adulthood as it is rather hierarchical. Parents are always parents and children must obey. Obedience 孝敬 is the key moral value for thousands of years, regardless how much it maybe abused or it may prevent critical thinking from forming. Also, 养儿防老 ( raise children for the purpose of being looked after at old age) is pretty fundamental too in our culture only recent years the most open minded people with wealth and stability may avoid that idea.
Before we got married my wife and I sat down with her sisters and Mom and Dad and talked about "support" and other things. We all came to an understanding and each agreed that I was not an ATM machine for family problems. Twenty plus years down the road not one problem mostly due to my wife being strict and fair. We have provided educational money and a little to help start a small business. That money was freely given and proved well spent.
Been married to a Chinese woman for 40 years and I have not seen a more independent woman. We live in the US and have only made two trips back to Taiwan. She is the middle of 5 children, so she has not been to stressed about the support of her parents.
In the west the boomer generation depends on pensions and doesn't seem to try to get their offspring to like them. My divorced boomer parents sure seem to enjoy living alone. Great video 👍
There isn't really a typical western upbringing, it tends to vary hugely between families imho and its not just because of wealth. Most parents seem to be trying to correct something they see as bad about their own childhoods. Some western parents are very controlling while others are not.
actually not every Chinese families are the same, I was intrigued when I used to have a friend whose mother treated her just like a friend -- they joked and conversed with each other casually without any barriers. For me on the other hand, I have to treat my mother with respect, most of the time i have to listen to her, but occasionally she does listens and valued my feedback. I guessed the Western world can learn from the east how they respect their parents, while the Oriental world can learn from the west how children can have civilised and equal conversations with their parents without apprehension.
life might be getting back to normal pretty soon? Damn, I mean optimism is good but that's more like science fiction to me... Infections goin up, same with hospitalizations and deaths, and it looks like there might be a civil war brewing in the US... I don't call that normal but each to their own I guess.
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When you say "Asia" I would not include Japan when it comes to the extreme family ties. On the other hand, when I lived in Korea it was kind of a not-joke that if you marry a Korean girl, marry an orphan.
Bro you complaining Bout your wife wanting to see her parents once a year being to much is pathetic..one day she wont ever be able to see her parents again you live once and gotta mske the most of it..who cares if shes on the phone for 45 mins go watch tv or read a book who cares how she spends her downtime i just lost some respect for you that was not a good look at all
Guys, as a Chinese I would've been more than happy to see you trying hard to understand the cultural difference and telling people your thoughts, if you were not riding a motorcycle on a road like this. I can see from the video that quite a few people were riding against your direction on your side of the road. I know that is also common in China, especially rurual China, and that is the reason why many vehicles crash and people get killed. Please stay safe and pay more attention on those bad riders.
@Avid Tuber43 I think it applies to most places (where there is moderate level of racism), if you are good looking then you would be seen as exotic, driving up your 'fuckable' value no matter the race but yeah white people sadly do get an advantage specially in cultures obsessed with fairness.
Raised in a Chinese American family and now old enough to care for a geriatric mom. Worked in family businesses. Expected to care for my older siblings’ children because I was the youngest. Still until last few years was completely independent as adult even though my mother constantly asked me to move home with my husband. Now however finding my whole life revolves around care of my mother. You kind of never escape your family. I don’t have my own kids. So my nephew has already prepared himself mentally to take care of me when I grow old.
Some people feel like the world is larger than it is. Can't blame them since many older people grew up before planes were common and internet existed and many people haven't left where they grew up and can't conceptualize it.
Not all Chinese or asian families behave like your wives’ family. My father treated me like an adult even when I was a kid, and he was born in late Qing dynasty and in a farming family. He asked me what I think I should choose for college major, and we discussed it at length. Yes, he did have his preferences, but he respected my choice. I gave him the reasons of my choice, and it was well thought out, so he did not go against it. I was from Taiwan. I also know a lot of people during my travels in China. I noticed many of them do discuss major life goals with their children. Plenty of the families respect their children’s decisions. They might complain about the kids nowadays do not listen to their parents, but they did not force them. A lot of the parents do want to know what happened in their kids’ life. I was sitting in a little Beijing grocery store listening to all these working parents calling long distance to find out what’s going on in their children’s life. Asians value family connections. They also believe family should support each other. Even cousins would help out if you are in trouble. If they do not help out, the society would think of them as cold hearted. You guys might think it is great to be independent, but I have seen my white American friend was facing homelessness and his parent did not even care. To me, it was not independence, it was purely cold heartedness. In China, it is almost a mandate that one needs to take care of his family. Yes, some of the parents of your wives’ generation happened to have grown up in the cultural revolution. And this generation of people had learned many bad traits. Many of them never learned to truly love someone because their values were screwed up in their youth. Many of them became very selfish and demanded their children to obey them totally. I feel Vivian’s parents were like that. They used the old traditions to justify their selfishness. They themselves might not have follow that path. By the way, in the old Chinese tradition, one becomes an adult when one gets married, and everyone should treat the person accordingly. I have seen many people did exactly that. I do know some parents might behave differently. I do know the worst offenders might not be allowing their children to marry a foreigner. Some of them do not even allow the children to marry someone from the other city! I have heard horror stories about mothers threatening suicide to force their children to break up with their foreign love. Therefore, it is very important to find out early on what kind of parents your love interest has.
Morally, ditching your elderly is messed up. Western or not. You shouldn't put your elders in nursing homes. The raised you and scarified for you. Now the least you can do is care for them when they are old. I understand people don't want to live with their parents but at least make sure they live right down the street from you. As a Latino American who grew up in NYC. I am Western in that I am independent but traditional in that we don't ditch family. I respect your guys views but... ya'll always complain about your wives wanting to talk and visit their parents. If there is one thing I hate about Western culture, its that. Ditching your parents. It's messed up
One could argue that all parents need to be responsible for the life they bring to this world so raising the kids should be obligatory, but you did make a valid point.
"Ditching" one's parents is considered unethical in the whole of Southern Europe. We do not necessarily cohabit with our aging parents, but we normally make sure that they are well taken care of. Elderlies are put in care homes only if they do not have offspring or if they are infirm, so that they can get adequate health care.
Was in tears by the end of this vid. I'm 26, from India and love my parents and they love me but they wanted or expected an obedient servant kinda son and I turned out to be anything but.. and that has caused so much friction between us. They were against me getting a job (wanted me to join the failing family business) and now are against me moving to a country with much better prospects than the current one.
The hardest part is that I know they love me and want the best for me, but I have to soldier on pretty much on my own because they still treat me like a kid.
You are correct to have your mind open to new ideas. At times things may seem overwhelming. But one day you will look back and understand and smile.
ALL the very best !
@@joeblow5178 thank you :)
What part of India
Super difficult for you, but look how you are helping the family line: you are breaking. the mold and opening life up for your kids and their kids...
You can do it! I wish you the best of luck
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Japan is less extreme in this regard in my personal experience, yes you have to meet the whole extended family and there will be a yearly trip to go visit the in-laws but at least I don't find it paricularly oppressive or weird. My inlaws just pamper our son constantly and whenever I visit they pamper me to a sometimes ridiculous degree (wagyu every day etc) and they keep buying clothes for me, like pretty expensive stuff too. And they support us financially on occasion too, like helping pay for furniture for our new house and stuff and helping to pay for a fancy holiday to go visit my mom, and overall I'd say they are great, I have nothing negative to say about them.
Man, wagyu every day sounds nice.
That’ because you are a foreigner and are seen as an yearly guest rather than a family member.
@@The_Custos it is for sure, and mostly I even get to pick it when we go shopping. Only "downside" of it is after enough of it it gets less special and other normal beef loses its appeal.
@@ForUploadin Might be so, I was just adding my personal experience as a westerner who is married to an Asian girl.
@@noth606 A bit like Christmas as the years go by.
My wife’s family still calls me “the American”. They don’t know my name, that will not say how is “your husband” and I’ve been married to her for 2 years and we’ve been to south east China to visit her family. They even went out of their way to remodel part of their home solely for my visit. There is definitely a different way of showing they care about you than American culture has.
They remodeled their home not because they cared about you, but because they cared what you thought about *them*. Well, on the positive side at least you are seen as someone they need to impress. The Chinese version of caring.
@@ExVeritateLibertas I guess that’s kind of what I meant. No doubt they’re concerned about what people think about them.
@@ExVeritateLibertas I suppose if they truly cared about me they would at least learn my name even if it’s the Chinese version. 😂
Now my wife, on the other hand... I believe she truly cares about me. She shows me every day. It’s strange how different cultures can be.
I go by the the term baby’s papa or something like that... “daowee” seems to be the closest they can be to saying my name (which is David) so no big loss 😌
@fork spoon I was not aware of that. Thank you. I was told I was of German ancestry so that makes sense.
The culture I grew up in, the German one, is very different from the Chinese one in regards to family. German culture is all about the nuclear family, parents and children. Old people don't want to be a burden on their adult children.
That is an aspect of culture you can see all over the German speaking (Austria, Switzerland, Germany) and Scandinavian world. The most famous example is the "Ättestupa" in Viking culture, where old people would jump off cliffs to make life easier for their children. In Germanic tribes they would just walk into the forest and not come back.
It is different in the Romanian part of Europe, Italy, Spain and France, where like in Asia, old people are considered more valuable than young people.
Conservative Americans tend to scoff at Germany because of the expensive social security and welfare programs, but they misunderstand it as this "Kumbaya Socialism". What it really is, is a expression of the mentality: "I don't want to have to take care of sick and old people, so I'll pay the state to do it for me."
There is nothing "kumbaya" or mushy about it.
So you put granny and grandpa into a home and visit them maybe twice a year.
This culture was actually very advantageous to Germany during the first Corona outbreak.
It was young Germans, mostly university students, on skiing vacations in Italy and Switzerland (basically the German equivalent of spring break in the USA) who got infected first and brought the virus into Germany, but because there is so little contact between young people and old people in Germany, the virus did not spread to the old and vulnerable.
I'm not writing all of this because I would think anyone here would be particularly interested in German or greater European culture, but to point out that this "deficiency" Chinese people see, at least once turned out to be a real boon.
In Sweden it has been named statsindividualism.
good so respect other culture, or receive the same treatment
Most American Indian tribes, certainly Plains Indians, would just leave their old, infirm people bevknd, sitting under a tree, in the snow, wjatever, to slowly die... Everyone who has. no Indian blood portrays Native Americans morally superior in every way, but that was not the case... (people with mixed blood know from family stories what really went on)
Why do this to the people who raised you? Parents are always family.
@@MultiKwolf how about YOU apologize for the wuhan virus ?
It's absolutely about survival. When the standard of living is low, your chances of surviving as a single person, alone, are very slim. So it was absolutely critical to have strong family and community ties, and being married and having children was a key part of that. But as your standard of living rises, and you can put some money away year to year, you can save enough to be able to provide for your old non-productive years. So having that support becomes much less important. If China continues to grow more wealthy, they will see the same trends. Right now, their children are their retirement plan. That will not always be the case.
We have social security and retirement plans here in the US so it has really changed the culture. If we didnt have these we would be much more concerned about the elderly now as it was in the past.
@@JG-id5vi and that only happened because the country is rich. Everyone is paying for that with taxes. Things like that will develope in china too.
@@leverloos Well yes. You pay for your retirement and SS your whole life. I'm not sure it will happen in China. They are already well off for some time now. Maybe under different leadership but who knows how long that will be.
Read about CCP...... Chinese "thought" culture is NOT like yours. Old age security does not mater. Main land brains are hard wired by the CCP.
@@JG-id5vi I'm thankful we have the Medicaid system and Section 8 housing assistance and don't mind having to pay into it for it helped my mother so didn't have to take care of her which meant I wasn't trapped and prevented from engaging in work and travel. When your parents are poor, which is the case more times than not the world over, you'd carry their excess baggage out of filial piety which holds down many young to middle aged adults in other countries who have to take care of parents where there aren't any social systems for the elderly and disabled. I myself hope that I too have housing, healthcare, and personal services when I can no longer work and take care of myself, but things don't look good in the US.
I married one and it tanked... She was from the PRC and she had definitely different moral and ethical compass and hid it well until we were hitched. Beware the issues that revolve around worldview and values!!!
That's why I would only date an Asian American as supposed to a foreign Asian.
I'd like to hear the more detailed story that revolves around worldview and values.
@@eodyn7 Bingo. I married an Korean woman from Korea, BUT she was kind of a black sheep with no desire to return to that society for more than an occasional visit. If she were the type to revere every aspect of Korean society our marriage would have been over already. We both know that the societies we come from are imperfect and so the reverence for one over the other isn't a contention point.
Tried to get to know a lady fromPRC, been in N.A. for 20 years but the homeland could do no wrong in her opinion...scary stuff.
Why didn’t you ask her?
I am 44 years of age and my Chinese parents still interfere strongly on different aspects of my life. I am so jealous of Western families values, they can feel more freedom of it.
Not all Western families are how they describe. There is a crisis right now in the West, divorce is so common, single-parent households, and teenage pregnancy. Children are not raised well and elders are left to die alone in care homes. Some are lucky but things are getting worse is the West.
@@nochpo4230 As much as I hate to admit it that is true. But I did see a pulling together happen because of the pandemic. In my family the pandemic seemed to be much needed because it pulled us together. So do not count USA out just yet.
@@tryfreeforexsignalstoday it is warming to hear of a family realise it's value, that is one positive to come out of the challenging year. I am greatful you have a good family and wish you luck in nurturing it into the future. I hope asians dont "wish away" their families too hard.
Try setting up a little bit of boundary and hopefully in time, your parents may come to respect it . All the best to you.
The problem is the lack of respect and the treating adults as children. The rest makes sense and can be tolerated. If you have to.
The last time we went to visit Vietnam, my sons had a game called “spot the trash fires”. They counted at least 12 a day. Just piles of random stuff being burned, more so in the city than the countryside.
Same in Indonesia.
I was married to a lady from the PRC. It was a great marriage. Now, she had an elder sister who had their mother luving with her. Also, thos was a second marriage for both of us. It would be different for an only child, and a younger first marriage. We agreed before to talk things out. We took 2 years before marriage to get to know each other. The differences in cultures was a challenge, but one we both embraced. So it worked. Now before anyone starts typing " if it was so great, why aren't you married anymore?". Simple - we didn't divorce - the marriage was great until she died from cancer. I would marry a Chinese again. But I am later in life. A young person shouldn't rush in. Then again, marriage should be taken seriously, and should never be rushed into. Meet the in laws, talk things out in depth. If you can't, then you are not ready. Just my story and advice, whatever it is worth to whomever.
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. I hope you’re doing okay, RJ. :)
@@saralenak2487 thank you, it has been 2 yeats. I am doing well. I wasn't looking for sympathy, just explaining
@@rjdrakon2492 Just thought I’d check in, sending some joy and happy vibes your way. I hope you have a lovely week!
This is the most profound and I would say intelligent comment in this whole section, some people just can't get over from bragging how their culture is better, some are claiming they will never date an Asian(as if they had much options anyway😂), some cu*ts are being straight up racists, yeah your comments is real nice.
Your comment is very intelligent. I am a Chinese (race, not nationality) from Taiwan, and I married to an American for 30 + years. We took 7 years to iron out out differences before we married. We both believe people should find out each other’s values and views before they marry.
Chinese parents own their daughter. Yes OWN. During our 13 years together I had never spoke to her parents in China. During her parents first visit they learned that 1/ I was not Chinese. 2/ We had 3 kids.... At the airport her parents refused to get into our car and ended up staying at a hotel. *** You can see where this is going*** (they talked to her as a child and her eyes looked at the ground) She returned to China and I looked after our 3 kids. This was 11 years ago. So strange, so very strange.
Wait, so she returned to China for good? Meaning abandoning her children?
Did she not come back
Do you mean she's still not coming back to you?
That is not normal Chinese behavior, that is bizarre by any standards.
Wow, oh gosh I'm really sorry you and your kids had to go through that!
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Whats wrong with visiting your family once a year? Thats not even a lot. I know its harder because she has to go to a different country but It's just once a year. A 45 minute phone call everyday is a lot but if it makes her happy then I don't see the problem with that either.
She miss her home and family.
The skies of Vietnam were not like that ten years ago. It's sickening. Vietnam is being destroyed.
No one seems to learn from the past and are, at the same time, really bad at greed: if newly emerging economies took care to grow in a safe way that conserved the environment etc, their success would last much much longer...
@@midnightchannel111 how? Thats very expensive. Compared to how western countries developed. I find it actually less destructive comparatively.
Well vietnam have cloudy days too.
Asian countries are like the factories and dumpsters for the 1st world countries.
Few have done a great job maintaining their countries.
Let's just hope some day all countries turn to developed countries soon.
@@roshill2010 but how? We still need the factory
Hey just doing this for the algorithm nothing but ❤️
@Dapper Wolf same here....
AlgoAlso
good ol youtube
In my family we have both ways: Care for each other (financial and practical), while treating each other like an autonomous adult. Those things are not exclusive.
Great video, I have a co-worker from Beijing and he told me the same thing. He said he's glad to be here and is never going back to China.
I have heard similar comments from Koreans. Never been romantically involved with any though I spent a few months there. Korea is really big on Confucianism and "elders are always right no matter how stupid"
I'm curently married to a Pinay women from the Philippines. She is stubborn as a mule & absolutely refuses to move away from her family... Not even to a neighboring city with better amenities & infrastructure within her own country. They are soo deeply reliant on each other that it's unfathomable to her to be separated from them. She's comfortable with her extremely minimalist rural Filipino lifestyle & she refuses to leave it so I attempted to live with her there but after a year, I simply couldn't adapt to that deep provincial lifestyle and ultimately returned to my home country, leaving her in the Philippines. My sanity and my health were deteriorating rapidly there and I gave her the choice to come with me or stay there, she chose to stay. =/
I would like to hear your wifes’ equally brutally honest rant about western families... would be very interesting. Both what they initially misinterpreted and if they still fundamentally disagree of something in western culture.
i second this
🤦🤣 Don't you think that he did all this, before he married Vivi 🤦 What do you people think? As, it BLOWS MY MIND lol. As, the only thing her parents could teach her, is to piss on her new vegetable garden (to sweeten it up😭🤣🤮) When her parents visited them recently in the USA, the RIPPED out Matt's garden, planted vegetables and TOLD him and the family to store their piss, to pour on "her" new vegetable garden 🤣🤦🤮 Apparently it Makes them sweet!🤣 No, it just means you're digesting someone else's piss.😭🤮 No wonder Vivi can't STAND her mother. She treats her like a child, tells her that the only way, is "her" way and won't show ANYTYPE OF love. What kind of dysfunctional CRAP is this 🤦
I've live in Asia for a few years and as other mentioned, the culture can change alot from one place to the other, although the fundamentals of being shame based cultures is a constant. This is where there is a big split with western culture, which is guilt based. That totally change family dynamics. The exception would be Phillipines which is quite westernized in that regards because of the Catholic Church influence. Filipinas are lovely, although quite emotional, and can be great partners. I ended up marrying a Javanese village girl who totally love my family and how loving it is compared to her own upbringing. She's the sweetest thing and have a good heart, quite the contrast with the average Chinese girls I've known. The best girlfriends are probably Filipinas, indonesians and Vietnameses.
When I first arrived there, I've met an American friend who married a Chinese woman and he explicitly told me to never marry one, his life has been a nightmare since then haha
I'm British Chinese (parents are from Hong Kong) dating an Chinese American (parents are from Guangdong), we'll see what happens :)
Wow. Do you understand each other's English? Or do you speak Mandarin/Cantonese?
edit: Oh wait, or were you British born and the other (he/she) was American born?
Both of you are first generation, it won't be a cultural shock, you would need at least another generation for that.
Hong Kong and Guandong.
What can go wrong wrong?
@@Cujo5 You're right; I'm British born and she's American born. We can both speak Cantonese, but only she can speak Mandarin.
@@10INTM PERFECT comment ! Hahaha. He is the blame of all CCP failings.
Mutual trust, respect and truthfulness are what is most important
Winston, do not let your wife go back to china. the CCP has a long memory and long reach . they may block her form coming back. have them meet her somewhere like Vietnam of Taiwan
Well there is no proof that she agrees with any of the things Winston says.
@@peterwang5660 It doesn't matter. We all know the CCP uses innocent family members of "dissidents" as tools/hostages in an attempt to silence anyone with a vocal anti-CCP message.
I think this was filmed a fairly long time ago. But in today's climate, you are absolutely right.
@@peterwang5660 you are naive to think that would matter to the CCP
True the CCP is not all that concerned about truth or proof .
Totally depends on the family. I’m happily married with a Vietnamese for 23 years and have no issues. Vietnam is my second home and yes, we do (normally) travel to Vietnam once a year, sometimes more frequent. Have even spent longer periods of time there living with the family (up to 4 generations in one house) and become really good friends with most of my wife’s close family. Maybe Vietnam is different, my family in law just more open minded or I’m just super lucky. Anyway, just wanted to add that while they do have strong family bonds there isn’t necessarily a conflict of interest.
I think vietnam is generally more open minded than China but you are still expected to live somehow close to your parent's to be accessible in case of illness
Culturally, Vietnamese are different from Chinese . JS
@@alexiad7280 ... not really, their culture is derived from ours, there's many similarities, this guy is just lucky.
@@skywallke Vietnam is also a "communist" dictatorship. And it is a culture derived from China. This dude is just lucky.
@@peterwang5660 access to the whole internet makes you a lots more open minded.
my friend in China his wife only had girls and his family hates her for that it's sad to see family can be that cruel ☹️
Horrible... I feel horrible about leaving my chinese ex, but I got the feeling her family still are kind of positive to both me and my ex because we had a son and not daughter
That so sad especially when you consider that it is sperm which determines the gender of the baby depending on if it is an X or Y chromosome. Not that either should be hated for that. Reminds me of Henry the 8th, it was his little swimmers that were the ‘problem’.
Phil&liangbeihai - I'm guessing they always hated her, and the girls gave them a "good" excuse to blame their hate on. Hateful people will always find a reason.
As Taiwanese Canadian I will only date caucasian. Had really bad experience with a mainlander long time ago. Her jealousy was over the top. Even Chinese raised in Canada I find are too needy and family dependent. Been with my partner from France for 7 years now and we carved out a freeing enjoyable lifestyle.
Only white people lool
@@yourdeadjack that’s his preference. What your problem?
Koki Popi I didn’t know laughing meant I have a problem. Why do you assume so?
One gripe I have is that everyone even Asians use the term 'asians' to refer to Orientals or east Asians, Asia is a huge continent people! Even middle eastern people are Asian too!
Only Americans do.
And you are not American because in the usa asian means east asian indian means indian pakistan means Pakistan, the middle east is the middle east, we differentiate between each
@@ElizabethMBoyd it's more like Asian is if your face looks east or southeast asian.
British public service TV use the term “Asian man” whenever talking about a Middle Eastern a criminal. Helping people to not get a bad image of middle easterners 🤦♂️
When was the last time you heard a Canadian or anyone from South American called an "American?"
I'd say... prepare to spend all your money lol
Facts, I'm dating an ABC rn and I don't remember the last time I've had a wallet that wasn't empty
Ummm what? I have dated several asians. Never had to spend money on them.
@@SuperAnimeking100
That's your fault for letting that happen.
I know asian chicks like to shop, but you gotta say NO sometimes. They'll respect you for it actually.
The townhouse I bought her parents was nicer then the condo, I bought her parents......( my accountant noticed my wife buying them )
@@joeblow5178 Hahahaha
Italian American families on the east coast often have the grandparents move in to live upstairs, but yeah of course grown children are treated as adults.
Same in Italy: we do take care of our parents, but we're given plenty of freedom during our young years and we're treated as equals when adults. The reasoning behind this is that we give back the dedication and love we were granted as children once our parents age and grow frail.
Visiting family once a year is too much? Hahaha. Never come to Italy, Winston, you'll hate it.
It sounds almost sociopathic to me as a Frenchman. I love my parents and sister, of course I'm going to want to see them once every few weeks at a minimum if we live close-by. I wouldn't want to move to a place that's so far from my family that seeing them would be very time consuming and expensive. They're more important to me than my friends.
@@Alsacien yeah i can't imagine that being so bad. like wtf?
I'm a Chinese-Indonesian working and living in South Korea, and once a year is probably a bit too much.
Winston would probably call Michael Corleone a baby for being around his family too much. lol
@@Alsacien It sounds sociopathic to any normal individual who is connected to his family, community and environment. Blind consumerism and capitalism which encourage their citizens to use this world as a fucking playground breed such sociopathic ideology.
Taiwanese, HK is much different from mainlanders. Shanghai, Beijing, Guangzhou people are better. The rural people are a crapshoot. Really depends on the family.
Southeast asians are also very different
Try rural Shandong province LOL
@@kel8026 apple farmers are hot though....lol
@@JG-id5vi I think because most indians arrange marriage, its harder to date one
*ALL* Asian parents own the child. Some of the modern kids are trying to break-out of this family ownership.
as an asian, i don't want to date an asian anymore
See you people really do have high IQ ;p
@Offset im not attracted with how much bullshit i have to do as a man to marry someone
Its more cultural than race. Asian Americans for the most part are not like this. It has alot to do with retirement plans and social security. European cultures would have been very similar pre 20th century.
😂
@@JG-id5vi Especially those in the south Latin Europe like Italy or Greece.
The main thing is your not just marrying that person. Your marrying into the family. Meaning all your new in-laws. Your getting a new mother, father, siblings, grandparents. If you’re more focused on just the person you love ,you might not like this aspect of Asian family structure
NOPE! Only if the person allows themselves to be controlled by their culture and family! My hubby is Chinese and gave up his inheritance to marry me! He puts me first!
@Jenette T walk away now while you can!
Pretty hilarious that it is considered other-than-normal to have the families merge via marriage. As children are involved, this is truth!
@Jenette T Definitely walk away now. I am Chinese, and I know the culture. His family is the controlling type, and he is probably deeply influenced by them. Any long term relationship with him would be poisoned by his family.
That is the whole point of marriage and is the case all over the world throughout history inclusing the west.
C-Milk, are you concerned that your wife's parents may hear about this video and your comments? Just curious, thanks!
so what
@munchkin42 ok boomer
They likely will never hear this. They would need to speak English and have access to a VPN.
Given what C-Milk said about them, it is therefore unlikely they will watch this
Plus I think he has said her parents have there own money they are not poor at all they don’t need them to keep care of them. It others in her family that felt they owed them something like they thought they should be able come to their home and take what they wanted when they were moving here. And some stuff was disappearing from there house at the time.
Asia is not just China.
There’s huge differences regarding this across asian countries, and China definitely appears to be the worst regarding this.
Please exclude Japan from your statement about asian families.
my wife calls her mother the 5 minutes a year we have sex
@@commentfreely5443 sed lyf m8 : /
@@macf1040 Same goes for S. Korea and Singapore. I can’t personally speak for any other Asian countries, but i’m reasonably sure it isn’t as bad in there as in China.
I can't imagine the flack C-milk gets for talking about his wife. Worse than misery is talking about the misery, especially to 381,000 people!
ADVChina big fan of Serpenza and CMilk, but you're wrong it is really different from person to person, been with Chinese and broke after 3 weeks when she told me i had to buy a house later and let her parents live with me for the rest of my life... I'm a husband not a nun.
But i've been living with a Vietnamese Girl for the past 6 years and she's really awesome and never had any issues with her, she doesn't also want the chinese style family model with me and kinda is simillar to Polish-German (Silesian) family model which i really love.
So a lesson, don't put all cats into one bucket as there are some "space-grey" ones but we don't have to tell that all cats in that bucket are like them.
Serpentza and CMilk picked the worst kind of Asian women, Chinese.
I’d go for Thai, Filipino or Vietnamese. They’re more chill and better looking. The Chinese ones are crazy
My childhood: you study 6 days a week, from 8 to 5 then you go home and you're forced to study til sleep time, as for learning you don't learn sh!t
Same here. Fortunately, my dad was very wise and introduce me to things other than school work.
Not many Americans are aware of the lifestyle of the school age kids in China...... It brought me to tears when I was told of this....yet they are happy. Mostly
@@lynnamarsh6384 It really depends about the parents’ attitudes. There are pretty high suicide rate among Chinese children. I would say many of them are not happy.
@@lynnamarsh6384 they're not happy they just internalize it.
I come from a family full of teachers spanning 3 generations and let me tell you... My childhood sucked. Sure I didn't starve or anything, but I didn't do much besides study. Now I'm just trying to remove it from my system
Yea you are so true. My parents don’t care. What is a good kid? Who bring more money into the household then you are the better kid
I am living in another country, my parents never ask what do you do over, they ask what job do you have. I gave up years ago
sorry to hear that. families can be rough
@Avid Tuber43 Some parents are like that. It is very difficult to change them.
When I was in my 20s, I worked in an old folks home. It was terrible. Don’t put your folks into a long-term care facility unless you hate them
Not all retirement homes are the same. I worked at a nursing home for two years and the people there were treated very well indeed. In many cases, the people living there had requested to live there for the sole purpose of not having their family have to put up with the problems that come with them aging.
It's literally just daycare for the elderly, it's dumping your family there because you don't want to be around them.
@@-haclong2366 I will go into an old folks home on my own when I am old. I would rather not become a burden to my children and forcing them to basically raise me especially if they have children they need to be tending to... I am old let me die alone and in peace. I don’t want to be gawked at and worried over while I am dying.
@@vr2186 I'll die with vr goggles glued to my face banging some vr maids and yeah all of that
I think a lot could be improved by I told icing a "civil draft", kids from 1i to 3p who are required to serve the community however they want (from a list if duties), poem working in hospitals and nursing home, just showing up and playing cards or chess everyday would HELP A LOT. Grown children in the US work their derriere off and reply have so little spare time, but this would serve everyone, also reduce cost, improve lives, etc
If we can have a draft for killing people to protect America, why not a draft for improving Americans lives...
Even Americans come home to take care of their parents and grandparents
I’m an American who married a Chinese Cambodian in Cambodia. We did move to the US after our son was born. Mother-in-law drove me crazy when she lived with us for 5 years but we have a great relationship now. Now the kids have kids of their own and they fight over who gets me (Grandma) for the day. They take great care of me (I retired a year ago), I live with them (I have a room in each house), unfortunately their dad passed away and their grandma lives far away near her other son but they are solidly bicultural. My white peers think I’m crazy for living with my kids but I love it!
Southeast asians a very different for the most part. But yes it's good to learn the cultural differences of anyone you want to get into a serious relationship with.
One thing I really like about your channel is that you guys are so spot on...
i really appreciate all your relationship videos.
have used them to start conversations with my first gen American born Chinese gf.
turns out she is far more influenced by American culture than by her Chinese family.
these videos have not been directly relevant... but they are very interesting!
Being influenced by modern American culture? That sounds even more treacherous than having the influence of some random Chinese family.
@@roderickwhitehead
i just mean things like "she doesn't want her parents to move in with us after we get married" american customs rather than chinese customs. not sure what you thought i meant.
@@andy4an Modern American culture (to me) seems to be that it is well and proper for parents to groom Narcissists... It truly seems to be a culture that constantly stunts moral imaginations with the low expectations of perpetual adolescence.
Baby bird people.
@@roderickwhitehead i think you're reading far too much into my comment. and possibly projecting.
if you watch the videos these guys make on families, they talk about the good and bad of different cultures, as things to talk about and learn before you get married.
I'm just talking about the broad strokes, and not implying that everything about a culture is bad or prone to abuse.
weesh Great idea ! Your the path to a great fun relationship. All the best :)
My Chinese girlfriend of 5 years is 8 years younger than me and her Mum is 8 years older than me. Her mum treats me like a teenager even though our age difference isn't too large. In my life I have travelled the world. Paid for myself to go through university up to masters level, working full time while studying. I've worked jobs from factories, driving, acting, catering and teaching. I'm now at the top of my field earning more in a year than my girlfriends mum has earned in a decade and a half. Yet her Mum who has worked in a clothes factory all her life, never left China, never studied and barely even seen any of her own country treats my like a foolish teenager.
This hits close home. Whenever my mom talks to me, she has to ask me HOW MUCH I’m earning. She doesn’t care about how I’m doing, but if I’m making money. If she asks how I am, generally is to talk about her problems and how she has it worse and let’s not talk about the eternal guilt trip of self sacrifice so you have to take care of them forever or you are an ungrateful child. I wish no child would have to grow up in a family where your only future is to take care of your parents no matter how shitty they are. It should be something you desire to do, not something that makes you model your life prospects in order for it to fit their ideals.
I think Asian cultures need to change this one little thing about our reverence for the old, the parents must EARN it. Just that simple, the values and what a child should do if they are grateful stay the same, but if it is reasonable to see and say that the parents are treating their relationship with their children as a transactional thing, conditional love etc. then the child does not have to worship them.
A while ago my parents once broke down after losing their tempers when my poor time management and sleep schedule had broken the last straw telling me about all the things they did for me (lying flat on the floor just to see if the lights were actually off and I was sleeping for example when I had locked the door) and explaining to me they didn't mean the things they just said and all of the horrible things they had said before when they had their patience exhausted. They just wanted me to sleep well. They had hit themselves, raged at themselves for their own reasons, my dad for example always thought to himself "I can manage so many people at work but I can't manage my own son". They didn't want to bring it up but I made them admit it and yeah I made them rage like this all the time and with my dads high blood pressure I am kind of killing my dad. And that night it was spilled all in front of me I collapsed into tears and kowtowed. I barely scratched the surface of the revelations about the sacrifice they had made for me.
They are pretty westernized always telling me to follow my interests in life telling me they will be fine (although they truly will, I doubt I will ever be as successful as my dad) etc. But I find myself fitting into the traditional role of the child:
You can imagine after THAT moment it became vastly more important to me to be a good son and express my newfound level of filial piety.
@@peterwang5660 I’m glad your parents were honest and things changed for you. Sadly for me, there’s just no changing. I’ve heard her over and over again say that she’s the way it is so that I have a tough skin and realize shit (never worked). At the end it was just so that I lived my life the way she wanted it, but no matter my grades or my career of choice or how well I did in what I was studying, it was never enough. She has also told me to Kill myself, that she wishes she had aborted me and that I’m her biggest regret (and no, it was not earned, it was just one of her normal narcissistic rages when you prove clearly that she’s wrong). Then she apologizes, says she doesn’t mean it, but then does it all over again. The constant guilt tripping, name calling, coin flip attitude... and then saying how I and my brother should take care of her in the future... it just doesn’t make sense at all. Like dude, I’ll always be grateful if the sacrifices she made for me and I can acknowledge how difficult her life was, but there’s just things you cannot justify, that no “good person” would say (at least the physical violence stopped when she got divorced and became more westernized).
I’m tired of all that and I know for fact that it won’t change because I’ve tried what I could and nothing worked.
She never understood that what I needed wasn’t money, food and a place to live, I just needed someone to love me unconditionally for the way I am and a place to call “home”. Sadly, artists are just not what many Asian parents want from their kids and some will never understand the choice xD
I really hope future generations, if they choose to be parents, they understand that they can’t just try and discipline their children with physical, psychological and emotional abuse... respect for older people should still exist, but not to the point that it is a pass card to treat their children like human garbage and then demand them to be perfect and to sacrifice their future for them. At the end that turns into a toxic cycle, until one of the pieces can’t tolerate it no more... some parents can change, some just stay inflexible and will never she the wrong in their actions.
You don't just marry a Chinese girl, you marry her family... even here in the U.S. my wife is still always sending money back to China to take of her mother and/or adult son. You both are absolutely correct, it is admirable in some ways, but so frustrating in others, like an outdated blind ancestral devotion to inflexible customs... my favorite drama of my wife recently, was about her son needing to pay the dowry to his girlfriend's parents.... yeah.... stay well
This video comes a year too late
Sorry man
Same!
The response comments were fascinating.
Thank you all for sharing your very interesting family experiences!
I'd say there are significant differences to the family dynamics in mixed Filipino families
My parents looked after my grandmother at home when she could no longer look after herself. They made the decision not to expect their children to have to do the same for them. They got involved and help build a not for profit retirement village in the local community. Twenty years of independent living before they needed the extra support from the family, who all pitched in. The last few years were tough but they lived the life they wanted to and knew their family was their for them without "obligations", just love. This is a reflection of independence and familiar bonds of modern western families and every bit as strong as traditional eastern culture.
Im American, but after spending time living in India and Nepal, I believe that when my mom gets old I will build her an apartment onto my house and let her stay with me.
Im American, but after spending time living in India and Nepal, I believe that when my mom gets old I will build her an apartment onto my house and let her stay with me.
Im American, but after spending time living in India and Nepal, I believe that when my mom gets old I will build her an apartment onto my house and let her stay with me.
I love the perspective you guys bring,the lens which you provide to peak into a culture I might otherwise not have known about.
I been around many Asian people and there are differences depending on the country they come from. I became very happy with my own culture as a white American even more after being around asians that have come here in the past 30 years. They come, but most don't try to assimilate. I also personally spend many years around a Japanese family who came here before WW11 and they were the most patriotic Americans of any Asian group I've been around. They were in the concentration camps during that time and held no bitterness. Japanese were horribly brutal to Americans during WW11 and they got that.
Its nice to see you guys being so sincere about these family issues. its quite interesting from a culture point of view
welcome to VietNam, guys! if you happen to be around SaiGon (hcmc), then let's grab a beer together :)
Hard to believe but this footage is actually almost 2 year old
@@speedR97 oh really? so the conversation is also 2y old? (the situation in the video seems to interfere with the conversation: "hey truck, don't run over me" :D )
if so, i feel cheated, ha ha ;-)
@@morgwai667 yeah their vietnam footage was recorded roughly the same time kim jong un and trump visited vietnam early 2019
Yes you guys nailed it. I want it so bad to be able to have adult to adult conversations with my parents but they just have to talk down to me as if I'm still three years old 😂
This one carries a lot more weight knowing that you guys almost broke up in the first attempt at recording.
“Some feelings were harmed in the making of this film.”
what's wrong w/ visiting your parents once a year? they are no strangers. i've been called unresponsive by coworkers when i don't call them up after leaving my job. not like they ever call.
House. Car, job is most important. Your marrying the parents as well...lol
The focus is the house and MONEY that you give her parents and family. They do not care about what you have. Only what you provide to them.
@@joeblow5178 really depends on the parents. My wife's parents were officers in the PLA and refused any monies or gift from me. It did take a couple of years to win them over as they considered me an enemy...lol
@@intothepandemic3378 Every none Chinese is the enemy of the CCP. CCP says: China has been a victim of all the evil governments and their evil people. All Asian countries soon be absorbed. The CCP has hard wired the China minds with this one "united thought".
@@joeblow5178 no mate, that's probably not how it is, most of what parents look for is that their daughter is able to live a stable life, you know a place to live, clothes to wear and food on the table, I am talking in general terms for Asian parents, of course it could be slightly different from culture to culture and person to person but isn't it what most parents around the world desire even in Western society that's mostly true.
@@brownerjerry174 It is hard to understand the strange Chinese mind. Their education changed culture is focused on the families long term finances and keeping the family purity. For financial and politcal gain they may allow outsiders DNA. A child that is not physically or mentally correct, is a 100 generation weakness. Unacceptable ***
Great video. Difficult for westerners to understand the pressures and guilt Asian children feel, even as adults. I'm from US, but try and hit a happy medium with my spouse. I do admire how her family helps one another and respects their elders, or even pushes children to succeed (as long as pressure is reasonable); but, the constant control and loss of privacy I sometimes find suffocating and restrictive.
My hubby is Chinese and gave up his inheritance to marry me! He puts me first!
That’s because for a Chinese man to score a “foreigner” woman is one of the most impressive things a Chinese man can do in the eyes of Mainland Chinese culture.
@@mikek5298 NO! He's ABC and he didn't want to marry someone like his mom domineering and angry! But the bottom line is because he loves me and he gave up alot of money for love!
@@theoneandonlypinkypinky8245 That's awesome. My husband is Taiwanese. When we were friends his mom liked me, but after we married her tune towards me soured very quickly.
@@buisnesscat1415 Don't deal with her at all! My hubby doesn't make me deal with her! Tell him you are his wife not his mommy! Tony Gaskins a life coach says you teach people how to treat you! He and she will get away with what you let them get away with! I wish you well! Life is hard enough without some controlling toxic mother in law!
@@theoneandonlypinkypinky8245 Tell me about it!! We have been doing reduced contact. Sometimes, she tries to ask me how he is doing, and I always tell her if he wants you to know, he can tell you himself. After I told my husband I wouldn't have kids if we didn't have our own separate home away from his mother, he finally got the point and reduced contact with her. She always complains about how she regrets she had to care for his younger sister and didn't have time for him, so in return she would like to raise our future kid(s). I told his mom directly if we ever had kids she would not be raising them, coming once a month fine ok, but raising them to undermine me is not okay.
Thank you youtube for waiting 3 days before barely notifying me about new videos
title is a bit misleading. my experience in thailand, with my wife and her family, is quite different.
My experience with Chinese in my own country has shown me that Chinese people don't marry or have kids because they love each other, but rather because it is looked at as a duty to the country. Met a young (23 years old) Chinese guy who had was married and had a 1 year old son and he told me he was incredibly unhappy. He explained that once he turned 21 his parents kept harassing him to get married to a girl he was friends with, both parents pushed the son and daughter to marry and have a child as soon as possible, but he explained that when he was marrying he thought it was fine but once the baby was born he said everything went downhill and that he realized what a mistake it was to listen to his parents, and he said that his wife was also very unhappy. When I asked about the parents, if they were happy, he said his wife and his parents are very happy and refuse to listen to any complaints by either him or his wife. He said he almost felt betrayed by his own parents, like they tricked him to give them a grandchild and now that they've got a grandchild they're not interested in what him or his wife have to say. I also asked him as a Chinese person if maybe his situation was just unique, but he explained that many friends he had attended school with have gone through the same problems. This is not an exception according to him in Chinese families but rather the norm, the exceptions are the marriages that work after parents influence. Read up on filial piety and when you understand that, then you realize the depths to which Chinese children are brainwashed by their parents to think they must obey every command of their parents, even to the point of a lifetime of sadness. This guy I met said he felt like a prisoner and I had to encourage him because he was extremely depressed, he also explained that the only reason he opened up to me was because he was out of his own country, but explained that in China one would never openly speak about marriage and family issues, because it is frowned upon to admit the problems. Saving face thing I suppose. If this is one boy who is willing to admit this only because he was outside China and he admits that many of his school colleagues have the same problems, just imagine how many young people in China have the same issues but never talk about it. From what this guy was saying I'd say it's a major issue within China.
When an older person tells you you're wrong and they're ALWAYS right, "I've eaten more salt than you have eaten rice". It's bull. And no matter what you do in life you owe them and should repay them because they gave you life and without them there's no you, so there's like this ownership idea. You're never your own person.
Speaking from experience.
Well you have to fight for your own ground. Out of my own experience you have to question the dominance hierarch and make it clear to not mess with your own personal business. Even the worst bully/father will step down if you are determine enough.
@@skywallke Hence I've moved to a whole different time zone. I can't change them but I can try to change my situation... I feel bad but it's toxic having to be close to them too often.
My best friend was raised by chinese parents. They favored his successful sister, and treated him brutally like some kind of mindless robot who must serve them at any cost. Since childhood he was beaten a lot, often with lashes, and even made him eat comic books just because he read it. They had him do paperworks in family's company for no wage, and they took all of his opportunities he ever came across. There are more horrible things I'm not even allowed to talk here. He fell into crippling depression and attempted suicide many times. He has no energy or will left to leave the house at all, until recently his friends convinced him. He left at the cost of severing the family's bloodline. He's been staying at a friend's house with my support for a year now, and he is going through very great improvements.
You want your wife to visit her parents only once a year? Thats cold.
Here in europe we also have a strong bonding with our families, if you are living close, you visit every week, if you live very far apart you still visit several times a year.
Definitely agree! Especially in the UK
@Right Round "derp" should better check the facts, he and his wife are living in china, aswell as her parents
@Avid Tuber43 Many people in Western Europe visit their family relatively often too if they live nearby. Maybe not every week, but many at least twice a month.
I haven’t known the UK to be an exception, but that’s anecdotal evidence so I might be wrong.
@Avid Tuber43 Maybe the UK is an exception , but in mainland Western Europe, it is quite common and desirable ;)
@@the0tanr dude, where have you been?
They left china months ago.
Did they go back?
It's so interesting to see an outsider's view on another culture. Not that it's particularly bad or incorrect, but there's a lot of missed nuance. Speaking as a half white/Chinese person.
"They don't care about that their daughter is doing" idk maybe it's where I was raised but this is the norm for me. I don't know any different. Having my parents also be my friends and take an interest in what I'm doing sounds awesome. However I feel my situation is more like your wife's where I didn't do what my parents wanted so that's it.
Thanks for letting us ride vicariously wiith you, and the interesting topic.
Having lived this entire experience for most of my life, there are certainly things that the systems can learn from eachother and you covered the main point: individualism vs. filial piety. In the West, filial piety has becomes very weak. The state is looked to instead of the family for support, and this is a very cold and dangerous path. Of course, ironically, the Confucian values were torn out by Communism, and so China currently has the worst of both worlds. Ideally, filial piety is about the family being an extension of the self in an intimate and natural way. Communism can be seen as an attempt to force this on an entire society, which is not natural.
I won't go into the value of individualism, because it should be obvious and it was well covered in the video. It is very important, but only when balanced by the natural cooperation of the family. So the best of both worlds is certainly the best approach. When individualism becomes selfishness or collectivism is enforced rather than personally selected then you get imbalance and certain trouble.
Honestly, I live in a predominately Chinese neighbourhood in Australia and I would often visit my nanna twice a week in the local nursing home. Partly to keep an eye on that the staff were doing their fucking job, but mostly because I actually loved her- not because of obligation. 80% of the residents were older Chinese folk and I never ONCE in my five years of my nan living at the home saw any younger children/grandchildren visit their older relatives. In fact, the nursing staff whom were mostly Chinese themselves always used to comment that 'I was so good' for visiting my nan. Err its my nan, of course i will?
Totally disagree with Winston saying 'Oh come on its so annoying my wife wants to visit her parents yearly". Most people see their parents a lot, thats just what happens when you live in the same city, grown adult or not. There's nothing wrong with that if you have a strong relationship. Plus once your parents are dead, they are dead. I'm guessing Winston grew up in a very cold South African household and sees it as weak if you have a relationship with your parents.
China represents all asian country? .. all western countries have similar culture? Hmm.. I don't think so
What he describes is nothing like what I saw in Japan. And knowing quite a people married to Taiwanese, it does not seem to be near as much of an issue there either.
There are notable differences between the west and the east for sure.
@@BigBoi9111 I'm from west Asia (middle east) and I can see many similarities between us and Chinese culture.
I don't think kids need to be 100% obedient with no independence, but kids also need to be pushed sometimes. They need to learn that they can't just give up when the going gets tough - hardships appear all throughout life so it's a lesson that shouldn't go unlearned. In essence, US parenting is sometimes too loose, kids can get a little spoiled. Asian parents are known for being pretty demanding, but that can be very restrictive and limiting for kids. Something in-between is probably a good goal to aim for.
Turns out money is more important than flesh and blood. My chinese wife left me and my daughter after 8 years in the hope to find a rich man. None of my Chinese friends can understand why she turned her back on her own daughter. I agree that Chinese people are good at hiding their real feelings. Just tell you what you want to hear.
most chinese will abandon a daughter but not a son
Dude, in time you will feel you've dodged a bullet. Make sure you get counseling for your daughter though or she'll make similar mistakes. My father did something similar and I feel myself being pulled in that direction.
Oh yes, this is a money oriented hard world. Like Winston pointed out, you can't just be anything you want or do anything you want even though we're taught that in the West. All that saving face nonsense makes it hard to understand what people over there are thinking about you. I found them really tricky, passive aggressive, and dishonest though some of the same gender make great buddies to enjoy hiking, fishing, beer drinking, and such with. It's the women you work with or associate with any manner that are tricky nonsense.
@@beggie7781 that’s true in poorer places. But in the big cities they are equal. I guess I found the only exception!
@@MiaogisTeas she’s only 6, she doesn’t understand why mummy has gone. Keeps asking when she can see her.
The closest relationship Chinese people consider is the relationship between parents and children, not between husbands and wives. Hence the overstepping and dramatic mother and daughter in law relationships. And the relationship between parents and children do not adjust as the children reach adulthood as it is rather hierarchical. Parents are always parents and children must obey. Obedience 孝敬 is the key moral value for thousands of years, regardless how much it maybe abused or it may prevent critical thinking from forming. Also, 养儿防老 ( raise children for the purpose of being looked after at old age) is pretty fundamental too in our culture only recent years the most open minded people with wealth and stability may avoid that idea.
so, is this the episode that was interrupted by how independant of a man winston is?
Before we got married my wife and I sat down with her sisters and Mom and Dad and talked about "support" and other things. We all came to an understanding and each agreed that I was not an ATM machine for family problems. Twenty plus years down the road not one problem mostly due to my wife being strict and fair. We have provided educational money and a little to help start a small business. That money was freely given and proved well spent.
How can the East/West cultures learn from each other?
Parental Exchange Program!!! 🤣
Great chat guys!
Been married to a Chinese woman for 40 years and I have not seen a more independent woman. We live in the US and have only made two trips back to Taiwan. She is the middle of 5 children, so she has not been to stressed about the support of her parents.
In the west the boomer generation depends on pensions and doesn't seem to try to get their offspring to like them. My divorced boomer parents sure seem to enjoy living alone. Great video 👍
@James Packer Yes and it's impossible to buy a house without being a millionaire.
There isn't really a typical western upbringing, it tends to vary hugely between families imho and its not just because of wealth. Most parents seem to be trying to correct something they see as bad about their own childhoods. Some western parents are very controlling while others are not.
going in with yellow fever. change my mind
@am777 I thought that Tylenol just masks the symptoms...
Eh yellow fever sounds kinda gross
@Leptonaut Ditto.
actually not every Chinese families are the same, I was intrigued when I used to have a friend whose mother treated her just like a friend -- they joked and conversed with each other casually without any barriers. For me on the other hand, I have to treat my mother with respect, most of the time i have to listen to her, but occasionally she does listens and valued my feedback. I guessed the Western world can learn from the east how they respect their parents, while the Oriental world can learn from the west how children can have civilised and equal conversations with their parents without apprehension.
life might be getting back to normal pretty soon? Damn, I mean optimism is good but that's more like science fiction to me... Infections goin up, same with hospitalizations and deaths, and it looks like there might be a civil war brewing in the US... I don't call that normal but each to their own I guess.
HOT DOG! THAT NORD VPN ADVERTISEMENT WAS THE BEST AND MOST ENJOYABLE SNEAK ADVERTISEMENT IVE EVER SEEN.
Lmao I already have a 3year subscription though
This video is definitely on time. Asian gf mom bought her a house in US. Have a feeling they may move in😒
Big red flag .
Look for a video here on adv china about why they buy realstate in the US
Yikes, better put your foot down, or leave before the storm.
When you say "Asia" I would not include Japan when it comes to the extreme family ties. On the other hand, when I lived in Korea it was kind of a not-joke that if you marry a Korean girl, marry an orphan.
I'm breaking up with my Chinese girlfriend this Saturday.
Why
prob a smart move, are you still with her?
the way you guys do the vpn promo are always funny with the voice overs
Bro you complaining Bout your wife wanting to see her parents once a year being to much is pathetic..one day she wont ever be able to see her parents again you live once and gotta mske the most of it..who cares if shes on the phone for 45 mins go watch tv or read a book who cares how she spends her downtime i just lost some respect for you that was not a good look at all
@Nico D ?
Guys, as a Chinese I would've been more than happy to see you trying hard to understand the cultural difference and telling people your thoughts, if you were not riding a motorcycle on a road like this. I can see from the video that quite a few people were riding against your direction on your side of the road. I know that is also common in China, especially rurual China, and that is the reason why many vehicles crash and people get killed. Please stay safe and pay more attention on those bad riders.
Now I don’t ever want to date an Asian. Thanks a lot guys! Gosh
@@johnlocke3819
I’ve already dated Filipina and half Japanese half white lol
@@johnlocke3819 a white person always has that option. lol
@Chilean Cowboys
But I’m mixed race lol I’m half Hispanic half white
@@erockstoenescu6171 if she was half 3 times , shes 150% person !
Very interesting no
@Avid Tuber43 I think it applies to most places (where there is moderate level of racism), if you are good looking then you would be seen as exotic, driving up your 'fuckable' value no matter the race but yeah white people sadly do get an advantage specially in cultures obsessed with fairness.
Raised in a Chinese American family and now old enough to care for a geriatric mom. Worked in family businesses. Expected to care for my older siblings’ children because I was the youngest. Still until last few years was completely independent as adult even though my mother constantly asked me to move home with my husband. Now however finding my whole life revolves around care of my mother. You kind of never escape your family. I don’t have my own kids. So my nephew has already prepared himself mentally to take care of me when I grow old.
"Of COURSE id help my family" -Matt 😂
**Flees the US a thousand miles away to China**
😔 uh oh....
Some people feel like the world is larger than it is. Can't blame them since many older people grew up before planes were common and internet existed and many people haven't left where they grew up and can't conceptualize it.
Not all Chinese or asian families behave like your wives’ family. My father treated me like an adult even when I was a kid, and he was born in late Qing dynasty and in a farming family. He asked me what I think I should choose for college major, and we discussed it at length. Yes, he did have his preferences, but he respected my choice. I gave him the reasons of my choice, and it was well thought out, so he did not go against it. I was from Taiwan.
I also know a lot of people during my travels in China. I noticed many of them do discuss major life goals with their children. Plenty of the families respect their children’s decisions. They might complain about the kids nowadays do not listen to their parents, but they did not force them. A lot of the parents do want to know what happened in their kids’ life. I was sitting in a little Beijing grocery store listening to all these working parents calling long distance to find out what’s going on in their children’s life.
Asians value family connections. They also believe family should support each other. Even cousins would help out if you are in trouble. If they do not help out, the society would think of them as cold hearted. You guys might think it is great to be independent, but I have seen my white American friend was facing homelessness and his parent did not even care. To me, it was not independence, it was purely cold heartedness. In China, it is almost a mandate that one needs to take care of his family.
Yes, some of the parents of your wives’ generation happened to have grown up in the cultural revolution. And this generation of people had learned many bad traits. Many of them never learned to truly love someone because their values were screwed up in their youth. Many of them became very selfish and demanded their children to obey them totally. I feel Vivian’s parents were like that. They used the old traditions to justify their selfishness. They themselves might not have follow that path.
By the way, in the old Chinese tradition, one becomes an adult when one gets married, and everyone should treat the person accordingly. I have seen many people did exactly that. I do know some parents might behave differently. I do know the worst offenders might not be allowing their children to marry a foreigner. Some of them do not even allow the children to marry someone from the other city! I have heard horror stories about mothers threatening suicide to force their children to break up with their foreign love. Therefore, it is very important to find out early on what kind of parents your love interest has.
Morally, ditching your elderly is messed up. Western or not. You shouldn't put your elders in nursing homes. The raised you and scarified for you. Now the least you can do is care for them when they are old. I understand people don't want to live with their parents but at least make sure they live right down the street from you. As a Latino American who grew up in NYC. I am Western in that I am independent but traditional in that we don't ditch family. I respect your guys views but... ya'll always complain about your wives wanting to talk and visit their parents. If there is one thing I hate about Western culture, its that. Ditching your parents. It's messed up
One could argue that all parents need to be responsible for the life they bring to this world so raising the kids should be obligatory, but you did make a valid point.
@tubagoo dom its not white people, its americans, here in europe we are also very close to our parents and families!
"Ditching" one's parents is considered unethical in the whole of Southern Europe. We do not necessarily cohabit with our aging parents, but we normally make sure that they are well taken care of. Elderlies are put in care homes only if they do not have offspring or if they are infirm, so that they can get adequate health care.
we're always happy to be along for the ride, guys! :)
As a Singaporean Chinese and growing up in a western leaning background i beg to differ
BUT
I agree with what they say with regards to PRC