The thing with me is that the longer a person takes to make amends for the harm they did, the more disdain and contempt I grow to have for them, and the more done I get. "Too little, too late" is a massive understatement for when a selfish DA comes back to me to make himself feel better about what he did. If you wanted a second chance with me, you should have fixed what you broke immediately. There are no excuses for leaving me to suffer from coldheartedness for months on end all because you're too selfish to man up.
@@lmart16 are you FA? If so why would you suddenly stop saying I love you ? We're 2 years in and madly in love. It's like he's doing it on purpose to kiss me off
THIS!! I am an (healing) FA and this is 1000% me! When anyone WAITS weeks and months to apologize or to try and repair the rupture, I'm completely turned off. There is a VERY short window in which to get anything good out of me. The DA I was dating for 7 months and I have been in "no contact" for 9 weeks now. It's usually at 12 weeks that I am completely OVER THEM.🙄🙄
Same with me. My ex girlfriend blindsided me with a breakup. She never voiced any problems she had with the relationship itself (though she voiced external issues such as work problems, roommmate problems, self-image problems and I always made sure to let her know I'm here for her and support her) and we never even had a fight. The primary reason she gave was because she "feels like she operates better single" and "can't stop worrying about me even though she knows she doesn't have to, while she is worrying about herself". And she has been completely radio silent in the last 3.5 weeks (I reached out maybe 4 times). The longer she takes to reach out, the more jaded and resentful I feel like I will be when she does. Like "what the fuck do you want from me now?" kind of response.
Basically it sounds like they want an ego boost. To know you’re still pining away from them. The wanting connection/wanting peace/ is all about them and to make sure they are internally okay. It’s frustrating how little they are able to consider the needs of others. I’m pretty secure and it was still heartbreaking.
maybe they are avoidant with covert narcissistic traits, like my ex. I have a lot of dismissive traits myself, but i never get manipulative like that, and i know other dismissives who don't do that at all. maybe your ex is a covert narcissist?
A DA I dated for a couple months before came back apologizing for half ghosting me after almost 5 months since we last talked to each other, he basically told me he didn't mean to make me feel that way. But I'm just generally confused as to why he's apologizing now? And for what? Losing interest in another person? I have completely moved on and forgot about this person and I feel like he's just bored and wants an ego boost because I had removed him on social media. DAs are just energy vampires that suck the living joy out of you, their energies drive you to overthink and make you feel crazy. This is really annoying and there's no way I'd want him back into my life.
omg yes, total joy vampires. when i broke up i was a dark souless shadow of my former happy loving self.. the constant pushing away drove me insane until i learned about DA type. i shared my knew knowledge with my ex but that was met with a lot of hate and hostility after their distancing for weeks so I ended it. they just take take take
Thank you for this video Thaïs. I have to say, dealing with DAs for the past year, I find it pretty hard not to feel anger towards that (and other) behaviours. It feels like they are simply incapable of empathy/ putting themselves in other people's shoes, which is so selfish! I am definitely not wanting to shame anyone here, but it is hard not to judge these character flaws, as it has such hurtful consequences on the people they inflict their behaviours on. Isn't getting validation at the expense of someone's feelings and mental well-being kind of terrible? How can they not see that this is not humanly decent behaviour? And, most importantly, how can *I* make sense of this in order to make peace with the situation and move on?
i feel you. my ex DA reached out to me sending me pictures of us telling me he had a great time. and i was almost raging inside because all i remember of these days was him complaining and stonewalling.... completely oblivious to what others feel
@@the6ixman416 I am 1/4 AP, 1/4 FA and 1/2 secure according to the test. I don't know that I would call this a break-up, but I ended things after about a month of dating. I could feel him pulling away and, even after I told him his behaviour was hurting me and him apologizing, he kept doing it, so I understood that this was not the right person for me to get my needs met and repair core wounds.
@@Alphacentauri819 I absolutely love your response and insight on this. So thank you so much! I am doing a lot of work on myself these days to heal my core wounds and learn how to get (some of) my own needs mets as to not enter relationships with an empty glass of needs, but rather having it half full like Thaïs said, so that I am not in constant "needs starvation" mode and my partner doesn't feel overwhelmed by it. My last relationship with a DA was rather short as I recognized right away that he wasn't healed and, unless he worked on himself first, would never be able to give me what I need. I absolutely agree that we attract the people that mirror our relationship to self, and I also think that we are attracted by what is familiar to us, hence why I tend to be attracted to DAs. However, I am proud of myself for now being able to recognize that quickly (I have stayed in relationships with DAs long periods of time before and it was really damaging). Another progress is that, as painful and unfamiliar as it feels as this is rather new for me, I am now able to choose myself over the unhealthy (but familiar) dynamic and set my boundaries effectively. Still, I look forward to the day that I will no longer attract and be attracted to DAs in the context of a romantic partnership!
@@Alphacentauri819 wow, thank you for understanding the perspective of a DA. It is not intentional to hurt anyone and often the knowledge that we do hurt people often drives us further away. We are running on empty, noone met our needs and demonstrated how to do that interpersonal relating thing. We're just wingin it and it's a steep learning curve often met with pain, criticism and shame from our partners who are expecting us to just know things and experiences we have no frame of reference for. :(
I was in the rare case where we were good friends for a few years before we got into a romantic relationship. The friendship was great but the romantic relationship was a rollercoaster of emotions and one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. It wasn't until I found you and your videos that I then realized what we had was a DA/FA relationship. He was a DA and I am a FA (who has been working on myself ever since). Now I understand why he would reach out every so often and want to keep me around, while he actively would still flirt with other women in front of me, and why it was way too painful for me to be around him and keep the friendship. I truly do have empathy for him and I felt the loss of both the friendship and romantic relationship, but I don't think I'd ever consider reaching out again until I feel more secure within myself. Anyway, thank you Thais for all the wisdom you have shared with us!
@Globe Lights Thank you, I appreciate that. I am choosing to come out of it much more stronger, self-aware and wiser :) And I will look into his videos, thank you!
@@maryamkhan2978 I’m sorry to hear that! It is definitely a challenging situation. I hope you heal, grow and find yourself a healthy and safe relationship where the love is mutual.
I wish I had known this before I got back w my DA after he reached out. He was missing the security of the relationship but wasn’t ready/willing to make an effort to meet my needs. Basically just undid the work I had done to heal and move on :/
I'm in so much pain that I feel like I need to hit the refresh button every morning. I got ghosted after 4 months of talking to him...there was no regard for my feelings or the suffering/hurt that I told him it was causing me. Not even a goodbye message or a "let's just remain friends" message. Nothing at all. The coldness and apathy stabs like nothing else ever could. I saw some very generous traits in him and I guess I made the mistake of putting him on a pedestal and believing that though he could err, he would never hurt me intentionally. I spiraled so hard and was an absolute wreck. It felt like a betrayal of sorts. I don't hold grudges against him because I know he had a tough childhood but I just didn't ever imagine that this would happen. I don't want him back after all this chaos but I just wish it had ended on a gentle and courteous note. I try to maintain harmony and peace with people as much as I can (not because I try to people please but because that's the Christian thing to do).
These videos are eluding to a very one sided relationship. It doesn't matter what your attachment style is there's no excuse for treating someone like a form of entertainment or validation. It seems that all this is suggesting that the only one who needs to have their needs and feeling met is the dismissive avoidant.
My DA ex showed up at my door unannounced 3.5 months after HE broke up with me. That was over a year ago. He obviously wanted to see me but nothing came from it. Sadly.
I would be interested if you did a video on how covid, self-isolation, lockdown etc has had an impact on our attachment styles. I am AA involved with DA but both with a lot of secure features due to years of work on ourselves, however the covid situation has really amplified our insecurities and maladaptive coping mechanisms and the relationship is being threatened
I believe this brought out something in my wife and even myself after all the deaths my family suffered that has caused her to change into a person I never knew and our separation which is now entering month 6 and she actually finally began reaching out and being kind to me This week for first time since months before she even left . Sad deal I don’t know that I ever want another relationship I never saw me being in this situation and the pain was unreal
Very important info provided in this video because, I literally made the mistake of assuming that my ex DA's birthday cards and holiday greetings meant she was subtly desiring to reconnect. I didn't know there were so many other reasons for them reaching out besides wanting to try the relationship again. Wow.
This was me. When my ex tried justifying an $8 calendar that wasn't even personalized to me (like a cat calendar, outdoors, gaming, etc), my male friends were pissed. One sent me a novel they wanted me to read, the other got me a $25 giftcard to Starbucks. They felt that bad for me. It's like the guy was literally trying to get me to end it so he could play the victim. In contrast, I got him a plush that looked like his deceased dog that he loved. When my friends showed up, it was more then apparent how one sided the relationship really was.
@ragingphoinix9144 my dad died a few years ago. He was old so not entirely unexpected, but of course devastating. I called my ex, who at the time Id been dating for two years, and it took a few tries for him to pick up. When he did it was 2 am his time and he spoke to me for 10 minutes and then complained he needed to go sleep cause he worked the next day. Like, he wasnt even conforting, or anything like that. The next day he didnt even call me or text me to ask how I was doing, I had to call *him*, in the evening, after work. The months after that he literally would not let me talk about my dad. It was obviously a hard topic for me so its not like I tried very often, but the few times I did I would get shut down so fast. We ended up breaking up that year, because, to cur a long story short he thought I was needy. Then he decided he wanted me after all and asked me to take him back. I clearly have low self esteem because I did. And two months ago he broke up with me again after four more years together, total 6.5 years. Its funny because at this point i literally cant even remeber why i ever liked him
Great points! I hope to remember these when and if he ever reaches out. In the meantime, I am diligently working to transition from AA to a more secure attacher.
I just sent my Ex DA this Video as an answer to his reaching out with a completely empty message that stated no intention or reaction to what had happened between us. I told him we could work on our rlp through PDS but he wouldnt listen. I moved on but am sad that he doesn't seem to find a way to be vulnerable about it. Can't help people who don't want help...
@@warmhart2034 Well, yes. We had been dating and I told him I needed more consistency and reliability from a connection. He couldn't or wouldn't promise that, so I stopped seeing him. A few months later he returned and tried to set up an FWB thing (without actually saying that or calling it that). It's obvious now that he's just not able to offer a relationship. Edited to add: He brought to the table the only connection he is emotionally capable of, FWB. And I want a real relationship.
Generally, people favor one particular type. However, their partner’s attachment style can also change the interactions. A secure partner will be tired, but ultimately able to handle one of the other types (and even teach them how to be secure) with some work. The real hell is unleashed when two less functional types bond. As an example, it is common for an anxious and a dismissive to bond. VERY common. The anxious chases and shows the dismissive their worth, and the dismissive gives the anxious the need to feel needed and love them to health (rescuers fit here). It’s not functional, and it’s ultimately drama, but they don’t know they’re doing it. What is truly wonderful is when one of the other styles bonds with a secure and then learns to heal, hopefully not at the expense of harming the healthier party. Even better is when someone heals themselves into a secure attachment style and THEN seeks out a healthy partner!
Wow that was such a point! The need to feel needed that’s so true! I was on this dancing and I’m working so hard to become secure (originally secure) , so now that I’m aware of this issue I’ll be easier to see the red flags but it’s important to keep a self sense of security so we can help to heal. Amazing !
Lol this is a bit extreme. Being DA doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll rebound and emotionally cheat or something along those lines. It’s just an attachment style.
My experience is that they usually cut off the relationship and burn that bridge and do not contact. You should add that they actually rarely reach out so people don’t feel bad when their DA does not
@@dorkab8538 I dumped my dismissive ex, went no contact, didn't look at their insta stories--nothing, and they did reach out apologizing, but like, 3.5 months later. LOL. But i'm a pretty secure person leaning dismissive myself, so I got to the acceptance stage of grief pretty quickly
@@nwandoe3599 I dumped mine too after he stonewalled me (short relationship). He never responded. Not even when I sent an apology message after 2 weeks. I’ve been in NC for 4 months. Don’t think he will ever talk to me again.
Honestly, I am in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant for more than 3 years now, in the first six months of the relationship whenever there was an issue he was the one to show up first and as the time went by, it changed. With time, they stop reaching out because that means respecting their partner's boundary!
I recently had a dismissive avoidant reach out to me repeatedly (after breaking up with me) on a very casual detached basis. He’s continued to call me at least weekly for a few months. But he doesn’t want to see me or ask about me or talk about anything that happened. It didn’t make any sense to me but your explanation makes more sense.
I'm a bit avoidant, and want love. My ex has been chatting to me for a while, she's seeing some fella, and wanted me to move away with her. To me it was a bit much, so never did it. I need things to be gentle, like a day out, walk in the park, that kind of thing. Maybe she doesn't understand it's a bit overwhelming and saw it all as rejection. Well anyway, she didn't seem interested in speaking on the telephone, and to me, i can't arrange my life via facebook messages. I don't know about your situation, but thought you may like to hear what i just said, in case it helps in some way, I want nothing more than to be loved, and to love, but part of me is wary of bring trapped, being vulnerable to abuse, that kind of thing. We broke up because she slapped me in the face for no wrongdoing 11 years ago. I was married to a narcissist before that, and that's why i ended it because of the slap, it just felt like a huge betrayal and abuse, and having experienced toxic narc crap, had to end it because something died on the inside. For me to have a relationship after the narc was a big enough move to make without being hurt like that. A slap doesn't hurt a bit, but it's the feeling of worthlessness, or whatever you can call it was just too much. it hurt emotionally so deeply it can't even be put into words. Well anyway, we;'re all different, and no case is the same. I hope you are in a position to enjoy your life properly, and that you can have the life you want and deserve. Have a lovely day.
My DA ex contacted me after 3 days of breaking up . I wanted to do no contact but I never explicitly said that. He dropped by on fb messenger with "Hello. I just wanted to pop by and see how you're doing?" Wtf. Awful. Our long term relationship is over and I am an emotional mess. He did this once more about 3 days later even after I did not contact him. Was he trying to make himself feel better?? He said he still wanted to be friends and communicate but he clearly didn't understand i needed space. He never used to message on fb messenger and I figured it was so he could see that I read it. I found out a week later he was back online dating after telling me he should be single for a while and figure stuff out. I was pissed Do DA's usually like lie to make them selves feel better? Or to make you as the rejectee feel better?
@@SK-no2pp I don’t want to, I’m just curious if they say they want to be friends when really they want more, they just don’t want to be vulnerable and say so
@@nataliel2149 they genuinely want to be friends (or rather acquaintances, because DA). More precisely, they want you in their life without the "pressure" of having a committed relationship...so no - they don't want to get back together.
In my experience, when a DA male said he wanted to be friends with me, he did only want to be friends. He reserved his romantic feelings for another girl who was completely unavailable (she was engaged to another man 😂).
The longer it takes her to reach out to me (I dont know why/how it got to the point of a breakup, as she is horrible with communicating her feelings) the more resentful I'll be when she eventually reaches out to me for "validation".
Not true. They reach out when you showed them “good bye”. In my case I deleted her from my friends on FB, her reach out was: What happened I stopped seeing your posts ? In order not to tell her I was done with her, I invented some stupid lie, why it happened. We set a date and… the high way to hell of a relationship of 7 years with a DA woman was perfect…
I'm still trying to figure out if my LDR has actually ended it! He flew to see me, spent 11 days, now 2 weeks after he left, not a word from him. He's ignored my texts - if he reaches out, is it as an ex or a current? 😆 Either way, I'm done. 3 out of 4 visits in 3 months have ended with him distancing himself. I've only just discovered about attachment so any info about how to spot an avoidant in the first place would be helpful.
Am so sorry to hear that :( Depending on how long the relationship was, It's most likely a short term rebound relationship, where they prioritize having their need for physical intimacy met instead of an emotional connection, sadly :/ The best thing you can do is go no contact, no matter how hard it seems to be, don't reach out to them! I hope you're doing okay.
How are you supposed to handle being the current girlfriend (almost a year) be ok and secure when you partner DA is in contact with their ex's? It's honestly alot and from my own experience I don't find that they give much to offer security cause they are often completely oblivious to the volatility it might cause their partner
Thais, I have an unrelated question: how do you tell the difference between relationship OCD and fearful avoidant activating and deactivating strategies?
It doesn't work, even after getting back together and you sit down and talk and address some issues you had previously, they might agree in the moment but soon has you have a disagreement or petty argument they throw the towel in, the talk about discussing things in the event goes out the window, stay away from these creatures
Hi Theis. Your videos have been so helpful. Can you help me to navigate how to handle a break up that I know is coming from a DA. I want to handle it gracefully and I don’t even see any point of speaking my own mind at this point. Whenever I have tried to communicate my feelings that way. I get pushed away and made out to be a “drama queen”. Even though I try so hard to be fair and rational, I become meek. I do this to the point of compromising my own values and who I am. I can’t seem to stand up to myself with this person and instead get being I’m feeling so broken and foolish and afraid that I will make the DA angry if I even attempt to explain my feelings now. I’ve decided that I don’t need to be heard in order to end things and get the closure that I need. I just want to handle it gracefully and leave a positive legacy for myself with the DA. What is the best way how can I go about doibg about doing this?
I would like to know... being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant for 7 months which was on and off again because I was trying to get him to show emotion and it wasn’t working so I would get mad and throw in the towel, he would come back each time and then it became a cycle and he made the choice to finally break that and dump me. We did have short encounters and he would still say I love you, but then that faded and we have basically become strangers. I reached out 19 days post no contact and didn’t get a response. Of course the initial break up I did cry and ask that he didn’t do it and then a week later sent him gifts and a hand written letter. (I know, big no no) BUT, is there hope or how do I know if he is DONE for good?
In my experience, I think you should move on. Its going to go on like this for forever. So, save yourself the emotional abuse and walk away now and work on yourself!!!
This explains why my DA X partner is coming to see me but without stating the status of "us" prior and kindof acting like nothing crazy happened 2 months ago for us to split up. He may have some things to say when he gets here, but I decided its fine if not. I already know, and am prepared to hold my ground and state my needs should he want to start again. Thanks for this, it is so much help!!!
Can't tell if my ex was a dismissive or fearful avoidant, just definitely avoidant. I do remember her saying explicitly "I will never be the one to reach out to you". This was true when we were together, I always had to initiate contact. I've never met someone explicitly express such an extreme tendency. Does this sound like fearful or dismissive avoidant?
As a fearful leaning secure. Mixed signals, silent treatments, needing to 1 up you in the relationship and jealousy is more fearful tendencies. Dismissive just push you away with their seeming non-interest in you.
Its interesting you said this. My ex said the exact same thing to me when she asked for a week space. I asked her at the end of the week when i reached out that what would have happened if i didnt text her. She said she will never reach out in a situation like that..
My question is, I was in an off and on relationship with a dismissive avoidant. I would break up with him because I wasn’t getting that vulnerability as well as emotional part of the relationship. He showed love in other ways. Anyway, we were together 7 months and he had had enough of the break up-makeup so he ended it. I begged and pleaded but didn’t really work in the end. I love him and now that I know the attachment styles it makes so much sense of the break up and makeup. Is there any chance he will reach out to me and is it not a good idea for me to ever reach out to him? It’s been almost 3 weeks of no contact and I’ve been listening to podcasts for self help as well as working out and getting my mind right. I reached out at day 19 of no contact and did not get any response. I can go through the process of moving on, but I do love him and now learning to understand attachment styles I really would love to make it work. What do I do?
Great video, as always. I'm wondering if there are any common telltale signs that might make it clearer whether they are contacting you because they miss YOU vs contacting you because they are generally lonely and just want some connection with/attention from **someone**, and know that you are likely to give it to them based on your history with them? Any details you can provide on that would be greatly appreciated!
Usually, when people contact you after a long time. It’s really about wanting validation and an ego boost. You should value clear communication. If I miss someone, I just tell them.
They're generally transactional. At least mine was. That's why it's so easy for them to discard, disconnect, and disappear. So chances are they miss the idea of you and what you may have done for them, but they don't miss...you.
Excuse me but why don't you make some videos for them " how to change the dismissive mentality from the core " ?! It simply hurts okay going through the constant on and off / push and pull behaviour. If it has been rooted to their childhood, then they should have an honest talk with their parents or caretakers and stop being coward. Stop sympathizing them. Just stop. They are not children anymore. They are adults. They should take responsibilities of their acts and behaviours and past experiences. We , the rest of the people ( anxious and others ), have gone through childhood trauma and emotional tensions too. If we can take responsibility of our own trauma along with their needs , why can't they ? We all are merely humans. So, please stop protecting some selfish , self centered , irresponsible morons. Please.
Yup same here after 2 months NC. How do you tell someone “Have a nice life. So long.” And then wish them a happy birthday 2 months later? It’s like do you want me in your life or not? Confusing!
@@bryanfuchs1512 please just walk out of this situation and put yourself first. If someone wants you then they will make it clear to you and if you have to keep guessing it all the time then just leave this situation and focus on your healing.
@@paniq_fnite its cool. the person is with someone else now. moved on in like 1 month and that same person would't date me for 3 years but started dating someone else in a month. so it does not matter. i feel wronged but we move
My therapist said that everyone who has a personality disorder has an insecure attachment style (usually avoidant) but not everyone with an attachment issue has a personality disorder. Guess they need the other traits of a narcissist to be considered as such in addition to their clear avoidant attachment style.
What happens in the mind of a DA when you don't respond to them reaching out. Would they keep trying or not, and would that be a measure of them maybe wanting connection or now being minful of their hurtful response.
okay i didnt respond to any messages to my ex DA and they still keep on writing me at least 'good morning' and 'good night' - every single day. for 4months now...
My DA ex girfriend after 7 month of dating broke up with me without any reason whatsoever. She was finding the smallest flaws just to have a excuse to break up. After 5 weeks of no contact she reached out to me. She is reaching out to me everyday for the last two weeks with hi or good morning text. However she didn't come up with anything significant. We talk like buddys basically about everything and nothing. We don't talk about us and what happenned and why. I think she doesnt want to talk about it. Couple of times she was trying initiate a meeting i think asking do i work tomorrow. So i asked her to hang around and do shopping like we used to do. She agreed but she cancelled meeting on the day we suppouse to meet. She apollogised and told me that she was very affraid to meet me. When i asked her why she said she was affraid of herself that she would kiss me. Couple of days earlier two times we were flirting with eachother and conversation went very sexual. She even said she would come down to my place for a "cup of tea" if she would be living closer and it wouldn't be so late at night. She is still attracted to me big time but for some reason she is still distanced. It is very confusing for me and i don't really know how to play this game. Any advice guys?
She would come to you if it were not…?! Seriously? It is just an awkward excuse to avoid meeting you. Looks like breadcrumbing (I am in a break for month 4 dating for 7 years). If you have guts (I had to build them over the years) write out your boundaries for this relationship what your needs are and set a deadline for her to commit. I tried many times with a commitment, it triggered her pull away each time. Prepare for the date and be emotionally ready to whatever hurtful/cold she says. I am sharing my strategy if my DA ex reaches out. I will not reach out anymore, chased her too much in our connection. Now the end of chasing… Deal breaker - either she makes a serious effort even though it will be indirect direct or we are done…
Thias !!! Could you do one of these videos but for the combo attachment styles ? For example I’m pretty sure I’m an AP and I tested to be as secure as I am Fearful avoidant leaning. I’m pretty sure my parter is either dismissive avoidant with an anxious aspect or fearful avoidant with anxious aspect. This is a little different when you’re an attachment style that’s leaning towards another attachment style + dating someone who’s similarly another attachment style and leaning another way.
This is me reaching out to ever friend in Teal's circle to get her to sit down and have a very long time coming conversation with me. She got the nail on the head with her video earlier. Which we need to talk about, this is the only way to save our existence in our, Teal and my worlds. Thias please help me with this.
So watching this iv just had the dismissive avoident reach out to me but in the cruelest of ways she has me block but returned my jacket i told her to throw out with a note on my doorstep after 6 weeks of no contact the note said after the text i sent she doesn't want to here from me or restart communication by dropping it she said she hopes I'm doing well and said I guess we both are effected from our pasts thanked me deeply for calm and stability and walking In the mountains with her and other stuff told me to be happy nut hasn't really given me any way to respond she initially ended us by text because of me questioning intimacy and asking for a commitment where could she be at emotionally to do this and one I don't it's OK I'd rather have been left alone as all she's done is brought our memories back and confuses me any one feel free to give me an opinion or insight please
I was in a 3 year relationship with an avoidant. The last time I seen her was Christmas eve. I explained all I could telling her my faults n how I wanted to us to work it out. We kissed n hugged n after that we had a few conversations about things but she told me she needed time to get things in order. February 3rd I found out she was dating someone else. It broke me. I don't know if she did it to get a rise out of me n expect me to reach out, but I stayed cool and didn't. I've been doing NC since she told me she needed time. Bout 2 weeks ago I had updated my phone and it resent all messages that didn't go through to call my contacts. Including her. She sent me a text the next day n was not happy. Saying how that was unappreciated. Very cold. But she did tell me hope all is well with me. N thats was the last text. Im back in no contact.
It looks like my ex and me after telling me we'll try another way. The same day, her pretty dude hits her up. She feels ashame and start ghost me. I retaliate by a full no contact. I learn and see that she updates her looks etc and boom breaks up with him, reach me out on a little subject. We chatted, i gave her an other convo, and silence.
Move on, waiting isn't worth it. Big chance is she sees you enjoying your life and not giving a damn about her, she'll start to consider you again. But don't waste your time, this is very mediocre.
@@GoLiveJeez its almost seems like she was testing the waters with you. If it happens again. Dont text too much. Ask to meet up with her. Then you could impress her in person. If she won't meet you, just say your busy and to let you know when she has time. Cause she's getting what she needs over text
@@tnk3776 yes I think your right. Strange thing is I have been getting restricted phone calls late at night. Stays on for a few seconds then hang up. I have a gut feeling its her. They come n go day to day. Ive told myself next time it happens im gonna talk to whomever it is. Like its her. See if I get a reaction. From this video she said DA also disappear from social media. At this moment I notice this is happening. So I'm thinking that the NC is finally getting to her. So its still waiting game, but I'm moving on with my life. Just doing stuff important to me. Time will tell.
@@tnk3776 yes. We got a big talks in DM on saturday, after that on wednesday and a face to face conversation on sunday : casual and chilled. She reached me out that to complimented me after that. I play it cool and soft.
@Personal Development School and @Thais Gibson... so say in six weeks my DA does reach out to me, what do I say?? I’d like some help with being prepared for if/when he contacts me.
I have been seeing for 3 years and now it’s 6 months we haven’t talk. He shut down and gone quiet, don’t reply to any calls and messages. I guess is over ?!
Set up a date and be ready for whatever comes from him. And ( my approach in no contact) - draw your red lines of commitment and communication, and working on trauma/attachment issue. Basically tell him: you are on probation for say 6-9 months or less, then we will see. Make him earn you by working on himself. That is my approach now… Safegard your emotions, be a little casual and reserved, hold your cards to the chest emotionally. No outbursts showing how happy you are now that he is kinda back to you… good luck! With DAs you never know chaos their second name..😊
I'd like to see a video on the lingering feelings, one may feel, post breakup.. Here's a scenario that I am currently wrestling with: I had a short relationship with a DA. It had come to an end, and probably for the best too (It was rough going through the deactivation).. She reached out after a couple months, but then "crickets".. I've since moved on, but she still occupies a little space in my subconscious... It's annoying me lol.. But would love some insight
@@87fsvilla Attraction is not a choice, either we are attracted to someone or we are not. As a dismissive avoidant, they can easily ignore or bury that attraction
I'm gonna guess the dating phase (usually a few months) vs the honeymoon phase (a year to two years, also can be on/off) vs stability phase (moving out of the honeymoon needs conflicts which sometimes never happens in relationships)
@@SK-no2pp I agree. I'm just wondering if ghosting impacts the DA's likelihood of reaching out. I'm guessing it makes it less likely, but I'm not sure.
@@Nancy-du3kg I don’t think there is a one size fits all. The ghost, when they feel pressure or overwhelmed. If they can’t handle when times are actually good between you guys, then they certainly can’t be a partner when times are rough
Me and My DA (I’m a AP) dated for 4.5 months and 4 weeks ago he said he needed space, two weeks later he said he suddenly didn’t want to be in a relationship right now and things were so good and he was really becoming secure or at least I thought he was. It’s about to be 5 weeks since he distanced himself and two weeks since he told me he didn’t want to date right now. He’s def not hiding anything, but he went almost two weeks deliberately ignoring me and never asks how I am. I stopped texting him, but it’s so hard because our bond was amazing.. especially when he was secure.
When he ended our relationship, he told me I was a controller person... It does mean he hates respect my boundaries? It seems like that to me. Coz he said he was afraid not be able to "dominate" over me.
Just run away as fast as your feet can carry you. The toxicity is of an astronomical proportion. BTW FA know what they are doing. Its not that they don't understand the ramifications of their actions. Their actions are entirely premeditated and calculating.
I have tormented my dysfunctional, broken and wrecking ball POS dismissive avoidant future Ex. He’s so afraid of having to interact with me, he cannot manage the thought of doing so, much less trying to do damage control. What a man baby, wuss.
Thank you for this video. This is very good advice. Your videos on DA have helped me. My DA never progressed passed the dating phase. The second time. We dated in the Fall of 2020 and then again in Spring 2021. He friend zoned me after I asked to be exclusive this time (because I only have sex in a relationship). We are currently in no contact after I made my boundaries very clear. If he comes back again (doubtful) - I will take your advice
@@MyvMeow we briefly reconnected in early 2022 and then he ghosted me after I found out he was still taking to and hanging out with his ex gf who lives down the road from him. Good riddance. Just leave these folks alone. It’s not worth the heartache.
Thanks, just because somebody misses you doesn't mean they have the tools to build a relationship
The thing with me is that the longer a person takes to make amends for the harm they did, the more disdain and contempt I grow to have for them, and the more done I get. "Too little, too late" is a massive understatement for when a selfish DA comes back to me to make himself feel better about what he did. If you wanted a second chance with me, you should have fixed what you broke immediately. There are no excuses for leaving me to suffer from coldheartedness for months on end all because you're too selfish to man up.
Geee this is me right now! Called him a selfish child
@@lmart16 are you FA? If so why would you suddenly stop saying I love you ? We're 2 years in and madly in love. It's like he's doing it on purpose to kiss me off
THIS!! I am an (healing) FA and this is 1000% me! When anyone WAITS weeks and months to apologize or to try and repair the rupture, I'm completely turned off. There is a VERY short window in which to get anything good out of me. The DA I was dating for 7 months and I have been in "no contact" for 9 weeks now. It's usually at 12 weeks that I am completely OVER THEM.🙄🙄
Same with me. My ex girlfriend blindsided me with a breakup. She never voiced any problems she had with the relationship itself (though she voiced external issues such as work problems, roommmate problems, self-image problems and I always made sure to let her know I'm here for her and support her) and we never even had a fight. The primary reason she gave was because she "feels like she operates better single" and "can't stop worrying about me even though she knows she doesn't have to, while she is worrying about herself". And she has been completely radio silent in the last 3.5 weeks (I reached out maybe 4 times).
The longer she takes to reach out, the more jaded and resentful I feel like I will be when she does. Like "what the fuck do you want from me now?" kind of response.
These people are not good for my nervous system. Can't do it!!!
Totally!!!
Basically it sounds like they want an ego boost. To know you’re still pining away from them. The wanting connection/wanting peace/ is all about them and to make sure they are internally okay. It’s frustrating how little they are able to consider the needs of others. I’m pretty secure and it was still heartbreaking.
Yup yup yup! Pretty much
maybe they are avoidant with covert narcissistic traits, like my ex. I have a lot of dismissive traits myself, but i never get manipulative like that, and i know other dismissives who don't do that at all. maybe your ex is a covert narcissist?
@@nwandoe3599 No I actually believe he has borderline personality disorder. But that’s OK, I let him go
@@SK-no2pp oh lord, sorry!
@@nwandoe3599 I’m sorry too for myself, but I learned a lot. And as a result I was able to develop great boundaries
Needs room to miss someone and needs everyone to be independent but also needs consistency, dependability, and security ... 😑
Right!? Who can keep up!? Who will ever be good enough for someone so inconsistent with how they love!
@@AshleyLebedev Absolutely no-one.
Touché
@@AshleyLebedev well said.
Sounds like they need a mother, not a partner...🙄
A DA I dated for a couple months before came back apologizing for half ghosting me after almost 5 months since we last talked to each other, he basically told me he didn't mean to make me feel that way. But I'm just generally confused as to why he's apologizing now? And for what? Losing interest in another person? I have completely moved on and forgot about this person and I feel like he's just bored and wants an ego boost because I had removed him on social media.
DAs are just energy vampires that suck the living joy out of you, their energies drive you to overthink and make you feel crazy. This is really annoying and there's no way I'd want him back into my life.
Lol apologized you after 5 months no contact? That is insane
omg yes, total joy vampires. when i broke up i was a dark souless shadow of my former happy loving self.. the constant pushing away drove me insane until i learned about DA type. i shared my knew knowledge with my ex but that was met with a lot of hate and hostility after their distancing for weeks so I ended it. they just take take take
Mine Was 9 months! Empty apology no substance to back it up, wish he didn't bother
Content starts at 1:47
Thank you for this video Thaïs. I have to say, dealing with DAs for the past year, I find it pretty hard not to feel anger towards that (and other) behaviours. It feels like they are simply incapable of empathy/ putting themselves in other people's shoes, which is so selfish! I am definitely not wanting to shame anyone here, but it is hard not to judge these character flaws, as it has such hurtful consequences on the people they inflict their behaviours on. Isn't getting validation at the expense of someone's feelings and mental well-being kind of terrible? How can they not see that this is not humanly decent behaviour? And, most importantly, how can *I* make sense of this in order to make peace with the situation and move on?
i feel you. my ex DA reached out to me sending me pictures of us telling me he had a great time. and i was almost raging inside because all i remember of these days was him complaining and stonewalling.... completely oblivious to what others feel
Did you just break up and are you AP?
@@the6ixman416 I am 1/4 AP, 1/4 FA and 1/2 secure according to the test. I don't know that I would call this a break-up, but I ended things after about a month of dating. I could feel him pulling away and, even after I told him his behaviour was hurting me and him apologizing, he kept doing it, so I understood that this was not the right person for me to get my needs met and repair core wounds.
@@Alphacentauri819 I absolutely love your response and insight on this. So thank you so much! I am doing a lot of work on myself these days to heal my core wounds and learn how to get (some of) my own needs mets as to not enter relationships with an empty glass of needs, but rather having it half full like Thaïs said, so that I am not in constant "needs starvation" mode and my partner doesn't feel overwhelmed by it.
My last relationship with a DA was rather short as I recognized right away that he wasn't healed and, unless he worked on himself first, would never be able to give me what I need.
I absolutely agree that we attract the people that mirror our relationship to self, and I also think that we are attracted by what is familiar to us, hence why I tend to be attracted to DAs.
However, I am proud of myself for now being able to recognize that quickly (I have stayed in relationships with DAs long periods of time before and it was really damaging).
Another progress is that, as painful and unfamiliar as it feels as this is rather new for me, I am now able to choose myself over the unhealthy (but familiar) dynamic and set my boundaries effectively.
Still, I look forward to the day that I will no longer attract and be attracted to DAs in the context of a romantic partnership!
@@Alphacentauri819 wow, thank you for understanding the perspective of a DA. It is not intentional to hurt anyone and often the knowledge that we do hurt people often drives us further away. We are running on empty, noone met our needs and demonstrated how to do that interpersonal relating thing. We're just wingin it and it's a steep learning curve often met with pain, criticism and shame from our partners who are expecting us to just know things and experiences we have no frame of reference for. :(
I was in the rare case where we were good friends for a few years before we got into a romantic relationship. The friendship was great but the romantic relationship was a rollercoaster of emotions and one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. It wasn't until I found you and your videos that I then realized what we had was a DA/FA relationship. He was a DA and I am a FA (who has been working on myself ever since). Now I understand why he would reach out every so often and want to keep me around, while he actively would still flirt with other women in front of me, and why it was way too painful for me to be around him and keep the friendship. I truly do have empathy for him and I felt the loss of both the friendship and romantic relationship, but I don't think I'd ever consider reaching out again until I feel more secure within myself.
Anyway, thank you Thais for all the wisdom you have shared with us!
I've been in the exact situation that you're describing here
@@bygracethroughfaith589 It really is painful. I hope you have healed a little since then
@Globe Lights Thank you, I appreciate that. I am choosing to come out of it much more stronger, self-aware and wiser :) And I will look into his videos, thank you!
I have been through the same 😭
@@maryamkhan2978 I’m sorry to hear that! It is definitely a challenging situation. I hope you heal, grow and find yourself a healthy and safe relationship where the love is mutual.
I wish I had known this before I got back w my DA after he reached out. He was missing the security of the relationship but wasn’t ready/willing to make an effort to meet my needs. Basically just undid the work I had done to heal and move on :/
Same exact thing here
And they do that slimy thing where they’ll try harder only after you walk away. Can’t be bothered while you are there committed 🙏🏻
I think this is what usually happens when a DA returns.
Mine reached out this week. I dont want to be on this ride anymore. Exhausting.
I'm in so much pain that I feel like I need to hit the refresh button every morning. I got ghosted after 4 months of talking to him...there was no regard for my feelings or the suffering/hurt that I told him it was causing me. Not even a goodbye message or a "let's just remain friends" message. Nothing at all. The coldness and apathy stabs like nothing else ever could. I saw some very generous traits in him and I guess I made the mistake of putting him on a pedestal and believing that though he could err, he would never hurt me intentionally. I spiraled so hard and was an absolute wreck. It felt like a betrayal of sorts. I don't hold grudges against him because I know he had a tough childhood but I just didn't ever imagine that this would happen. I don't want him back after all this chaos but I just wish it had ended on a gentle and courteous note. I try to maintain harmony and peace with people as much as I can (not because I try to people please but because that's the Christian thing to do).
These videos are eluding to a very one sided relationship. It doesn't matter what your attachment style is there's no excuse for treating someone like a form of entertainment or validation. It seems that all this is suggesting that the only one who needs to have their needs and feeling met is the dismissive avoidant.
Never clicked on a notification faster 😂 i guess I have a lot of work to do on myself, since I was the one finally breaking up with my DA
SAME! 😂
SAAAME!!!! lololollll
My DA ex showed up at my door unannounced 3.5 months after HE broke up with me. That was over a year ago. He obviously wanted to see me but nothing came from it. Sadly.
The game playing is not worth the energy and anguish. Just better to find someone who is open hearted.
2 weeks later & he's wishing me a Merry Christmas Elizabeth. I wished him 1 back& then that was it.
I would be interested if you did a video on how covid, self-isolation, lockdown etc has had an impact on our attachment styles. I am AA involved with DA but both with a lot of secure features due to years of work on ourselves, however the covid situation has really amplified our insecurities and maladaptive coping mechanisms and the relationship is being threatened
Great idea
interested on this topic, as i am one of the many whose relationship got affected by the self isolation and lockdown
Same
So true.
I believe this brought out something in my wife and even myself after all the deaths my family suffered that has caused her to change into a person I never knew and our separation which is now entering month 6 and she actually finally began reaching out and being kind to me
This week for first time since months before she even left . Sad deal I don’t know that I ever want another relationship I never saw me being in this situation and the pain was unreal
Very important info provided in this video because, I literally made the mistake of assuming that my ex DA's birthday cards and holiday greetings meant she was subtly desiring to reconnect. I didn't know there were so many other reasons for them reaching out besides wanting to try the relationship again. Wow.
Literally my secure attachment friend has been bringing me candy and comforting me and I’m realizing how my da didn’t do shit for me .
Had the same thing happen to me. All my friends were way more present for me
This was me. When my ex tried justifying an $8 calendar that wasn't even personalized to me (like a cat calendar, outdoors, gaming, etc), my male friends were pissed. One sent me a novel they wanted me to read, the other got me a $25 giftcard to Starbucks. They felt that bad for me. It's like the guy was literally trying to get me to end it so he could play the victim. In contrast, I got him a plush that looked like his deceased dog that he loved. When my friends showed up, it was more then apparent how one sided the relationship really was.
@ragingphoinix9144 my dad died a few years ago. He was old so not entirely unexpected, but of course devastating. I called my ex, who at the time Id been dating for two years, and it took a few tries for him to pick up. When he did it was 2 am his time and he spoke to me for 10 minutes and then complained he needed to go sleep cause he worked the next day. Like, he wasnt even conforting, or anything like that. The next day he didnt even call me or text me to ask how I was doing, I had to call *him*, in the evening, after work.
The months after that he literally would not let me talk about my dad. It was obviously a hard topic for me so its not like I tried very often, but the few times I did I would get shut down so fast.
We ended up breaking up that year, because, to cur a long story short he thought I was needy. Then he decided he wanted me after all and asked me to take him back. I clearly have low self esteem because I did.
And two months ago he broke up with me again after four more years together, total 6.5 years.
Its funny because at this point i literally cant even remeber why i ever liked him
Great points! I hope to remember these when and if he ever reaches out. In the meantime, I am diligently working to transition from AA to a more secure attacher.
Hello! I’m interested in the video series about this topic, for sure. ❤️
Mine reached out after 6 months. We ended up back together. Everything was great til one day she said she needed space. Haven’t heard from her since.
I just sent my Ex DA this Video as an answer to his reaching out with a completely empty message that stated no intention or reaction to what had happened between us. I told him we could work on our rlp through PDS but he wouldnt listen. I moved on but am sad that he doesn't seem to find a way to be vulnerable about it. Can't help people who don't want help...
Def interested in a breakdown on this topic.
Mine reached out to set up a friends with benefits situation in place of a relationship. The benefits would all go to him, of course.
So you were in a relationship before?.Broke up then he reached out for FWB?
@@warmhart2034 Well, yes. We had been dating and I told him I needed more consistency and reliability from a connection. He couldn't or wouldn't promise that, so I stopped seeing him. A few months later he returned and tried to set up an FWB thing (without actually saying that or calling it that). It's obvious now that he's just not able to offer a relationship. Edited to add: He brought to the table the only connection he is emotionally capable of, FWB. And I want a real relationship.
Generally, people favor one particular type. However, their partner’s attachment style can also change the interactions. A secure partner will be tired, but ultimately able to handle one of the other types (and even teach them how to be secure) with some work. The real hell is unleashed when two less functional types bond. As an example, it is common for an anxious and a dismissive to bond. VERY common. The anxious chases and shows the dismissive their worth, and the dismissive gives the anxious the need to feel needed and love them to health (rescuers fit here). It’s not functional, and it’s ultimately drama, but they don’t know they’re doing it. What is truly wonderful is when one of the other styles bonds with a secure and then learns to heal, hopefully not at the expense of harming the healthier party. Even better is when someone heals themselves into a secure attachment style and THEN seeks out a healthy partner!
Wow that was such a point!
The need to feel needed that’s so true!
I was on this dancing and I’m working so hard to become secure (originally secure) , so now that I’m aware of this issue I’ll be easier to see the red flags but it’s important to keep a self sense of security so we can help to heal. Amazing !
That's where I'm headed ! Shooting for the moon ! ! AP to secure, in 6 easy years ! ! ! (3 years with a DA 🤪) LOL
A secure person don't want to be by a victimbaby. 😂
We leave..
I guess when they deactivate, get infatuated with someone else, emotionally cheat, dump and rebound immediately they'll never reach out : /
Yep that’s what I sensed too
That was my experience
that sequence of events literally happened to me lolll
Anyone find this to be false yet? Lol
Lol this is a bit extreme. Being DA doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll rebound and emotionally cheat or something along those lines. It’s just an attachment style.
My experience is that they usually cut off the relationship and burn that bridge and do not contact.
You should add that they actually rarely reach out so people don’t feel bad when their DA does not
Same 🤦♀️
It's been 6 weeks of no contact and I doubt it'll change
@@dorkab8538 I dumped my dismissive ex, went no contact, didn't look at their insta stories--nothing, and they did reach out apologizing, but like, 3.5 months later. LOL. But i'm a pretty secure person leaning dismissive myself, so I got to the acceptance stage of grief pretty quickly
@@nwandoe3599 I dumped mine too after he stonewalled me (short relationship). He never responded. Not even when I sent an apology message after 2 weeks. I’ve been in NC for 4 months. Don’t think he will ever talk to me again.
I second this. They rarely reach out that so classic about DA's
@@zaraz3425 very stubborn. so unfortunate
Honestly, I am in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant for more than 3 years now, in the first six months of the relationship whenever there was an issue he was the one to show up first and as the time went by, it changed. With time, they stop reaching out because that means respecting their partner's boundary!
This was my experience too. Very true.
They are only good for 6 months max. After that the torture chamber starts.
@@marcd2743 literally, it's always around 6 months only 😅😂
I’m sold on the school. Just signed up now. Super nervous!
I recently had a dismissive avoidant reach out to me repeatedly (after breaking up with me) on a very casual detached basis. He’s continued to call me at least weekly for a few months. But he doesn’t want to see me or ask about me or talk about anything that happened. It didn’t make any sense to me but your explanation makes more sense.
I'm a bit avoidant, and want love. My ex has been chatting to me for a while, she's seeing some fella, and wanted me to move away with her. To me it was a bit much, so never did it. I need things to be gentle, like a day out, walk in the park, that kind of thing. Maybe she doesn't understand it's a bit overwhelming and saw it all as rejection. Well anyway, she didn't seem interested in speaking on the telephone, and to me, i can't arrange my life via facebook messages. I don't know about your situation, but thought you may like to hear what i just said, in case it helps in some way, I want nothing more than to be loved, and to love, but part of me is wary of bring trapped, being vulnerable to abuse, that kind of thing. We broke up because she slapped me in the face for no wrongdoing 11 years ago. I was married to a narcissist before that, and that's why i ended it because of the slap, it just felt like a huge betrayal and abuse, and having experienced toxic narc crap, had to end it because something died on the inside. For me to have a relationship after the narc was a big enough move to make without being hurt like that. A slap doesn't hurt a bit, but it's the feeling of worthlessness, or whatever you can call it was just too much. it hurt emotionally so deeply it can't even be put into words. Well anyway, we;'re all different, and no case is the same. I hope you are in a position to enjoy your life properly, and that you can have the life you want and deserve. Have a lovely day.
It's all true...it took a lot of introspection to realize and admit this, it is "the security", because once it's over it's over. Always.
Could you expand on what you mean by this feeling of security?
@@natalieg4757 you’re like a secure base they can come back too. Or a stable part of their life.
It would be so cool if you could intensify this content, making them into separate videos really going into even more depth
Thank you ♥♥♥
Yes I’d love to hear more on this topic as it relates to my situation.
Definitely interested in this as well. Can you talk about the off and on dynamic between AP’s and DA’s?
That black sweater/shirt looks good you! 🙂
DA 's don't say anything especially when asked
My DA ex contacted me after 3 days of breaking up . I wanted to do no contact but I never explicitly said that.
He dropped by on fb messenger with
"Hello. I just wanted to pop by and see how you're doing?"
Wtf. Awful. Our long term relationship is over and I am an emotional mess.
He did this once more about 3 days later even after I did not contact him. Was he trying to make himself feel better?? He said he still wanted to be friends and communicate but he clearly didn't understand i needed space.
He never used to message on fb messenger and I figured it was so he could see that I read it.
I found out a week later he was back online dating after telling me he should be single for a while and figure stuff out. I was pissed
Do DA's usually like lie to make them selves feel better? Or to make you as the rejectee feel better?
Does the DA ever say they want to be friends when they really want more? It seems like something they’d do to avoid being vulnerable
Never be a mans friend if you have a romantic interest for him. He’s getting all the perks without any commitment
@@SK-no2pp I don’t want to, I’m just curious if they say they want to be friends when really they want more, they just don’t want to be vulnerable and say so
@@nataliel2149 they genuinely want to be friends (or rather acquaintances, because DA). More precisely, they want you in their life without the "pressure" of having a committed relationship...so no - they don't want to get back together.
In my experience, when a DA male said he wanted to be friends with me, he did only want to be friends. He reserved his romantic feelings for another girl who was completely unavailable (she was engaged to another man 😂).
@@theHaru20 yep I have to agree
The longer it takes her to reach out to me (I dont know why/how it got to the point of a breakup, as she is horrible with communicating her feelings) the more resentful I'll be when she eventually reaches out to me for "validation".
They’ll commit to someone who’s toxic and abusive in a heartbeat…
LET'S BE REAL... THE DA rarely REACHES OUT, EVER!
exactly
Not true. They reach out when you showed them “good bye”. In my case I deleted her from my friends on FB, her reach out was: What happened I stopped seeing your posts ? In order not to tell her I was done with her, I invented some stupid lie, why it happened. We set a date and… the high way to hell of a relationship of 7 years with a DA woman was perfect…
mine did today after 2.5 month
I'm still trying to figure out if my LDR has actually ended it! He flew to see me, spent 11 days, now 2 weeks after he left, not a word from him. He's ignored my texts - if he reaches out, is it as an ex or a current? 😆 Either way, I'm done. 3 out of 4 visits in 3 months have ended with him distancing himself. I've only just discovered about attachment so any info about how to spot an avoidant in the first place would be helpful.
My DA ex just reached out today after about 6 weeks no contact
What if the dismissive avoidant dumps me then jumps into another relationship a couple weeks later after not being emotionally available to me
Am so sorry to hear that :(
Depending on how long the relationship was, It's most likely a short term rebound relationship, where they prioritize having their need for physical intimacy met instead of an emotional connection, sadly :/
The best thing you can do is go no contact, no matter how hard it seems to be, don't reach out to them!
I hope you're doing okay.
How are you supposed to handle being the current girlfriend (almost a year) be ok and secure when you partner DA is in contact with their ex's? It's honestly alot and from my own experience I don't find that they give much to offer security cause they are often completely oblivious to the volatility it might cause their partner
soooo how are you supposed to know if they do wanna get back together?....
Need to know what to do when a fearful avoidant reaches out for the first time after about 4-6 weeks?
Thais, I have an unrelated question: how do you tell the difference between relationship OCD and fearful avoidant activating and deactivating strategies?
It doesn't work, even after getting back together and you sit down and talk and address some issues you had previously, they might agree in the moment but soon has you have a disagreement or petty argument they throw the towel in, the talk about discussing things in the event goes out the window, stay away from these creatures
Hi Theis. Your videos have been so helpful. Can you help me to navigate how to handle a break up that I know is coming from a DA. I want to handle it gracefully and I don’t even see any point of speaking my own mind at this point. Whenever I have tried to communicate my feelings that way. I get pushed away and made out to be a “drama queen”. Even though I try so hard to be fair and rational, I become meek. I do this to the point of compromising my own values and who I am. I can’t seem to stand up to myself with this person and instead get being I’m feeling so broken and foolish and afraid that I will make the DA angry if I even attempt to explain my feelings now. I’ve decided that I don’t need to be heard in order to end things and get the closure that I need. I just want to handle it gracefully and leave a positive legacy for myself with the DA. What is the best way how can I go about doibg about doing this?
I would like to know... being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant for 7 months which was on and off again because I was trying to get him to show emotion and it wasn’t working so I would get mad and throw in the towel, he would come back each time and then it became a cycle and he made the choice to finally break that and dump me. We did have short encounters and he would still say I love you, but then that faded and we have basically become strangers. I reached out 19 days post no contact and didn’t get a response. Of course the initial break up I did cry and ask that he didn’t do it and then a week later sent him gifts and a hand written letter. (I know, big no no) BUT, is there hope or how do I know if he is DONE for good?
In my experience, I think you should move on. Its going to go on like this for forever. So, save yourself the emotional abuse and walk away now and work on yourself!!!
It's done when you decide it's done!
Video starts at 1:44
This explains why my DA X partner is coming to see me but without stating the status of "us" prior and kindof acting like nothing crazy happened 2 months ago for us to split up. He may have some things to say when he gets here, but I decided its fine if not. I already know, and am prepared to hold my ground and state my needs should he want to start again. Thanks for this, it is so much help!!!
What happened?!
Just what I needed ❤ thank you
Is there a video about if you were in a short relationship with a dismissive avoidant that broke it off?
What if you never could get past the power struggle stage. Even though you dated on and off for almost 3 years. Then they reach out 6months later?
Can't tell if my ex was a dismissive or fearful avoidant, just definitely avoidant. I do remember her saying explicitly "I will never be the one to reach out to you". This was true when we were together, I always had to initiate contact. I've never met someone explicitly express such an extreme tendency. Does this sound like fearful or dismissive avoidant?
Fearfuls are usually hot and cold, DAs are usually always cold.
As a fearful leaning secure. Mixed signals, silent treatments, needing to 1 up you in the relationship and jealousy is more fearful tendencies. Dismissive just push you away with their seeming non-interest in you.
That’s 100% DA.
Its interesting you said this. My ex said the exact same thing to me when she asked for a week space. I asked her at the end of the week when i reached out that what would have happened if i didnt text her. She said she will never reach out in a situation like that..
My question is, I was in an off and on relationship with a dismissive avoidant. I would break up with him because I wasn’t getting that vulnerability as well as emotional part of the relationship. He showed love in other ways. Anyway, we were together 7 months and he had had enough of the break up-makeup so he ended it. I begged and pleaded but didn’t really work in the end. I love him and now that I know the attachment styles it makes so much sense of the break up and makeup. Is there any chance he will reach out to me and is it not a good idea for me to ever reach out to him? It’s been almost 3 weeks of no contact and I’ve been listening to podcasts for self help as well as working out and getting my mind right. I reached out at day 19 of no contact and did not get any response. I can go through the process of moving on, but I do love him and now learning to understand attachment styles I really would love to make it work. What do I do?
what happened?
Did U reconcile?
Run
Great video, as always. I'm wondering if there are any common telltale signs that might make it clearer whether they are contacting you because they miss YOU vs contacting you because they are generally lonely and just want some connection with/attention from **someone**, and know that you are likely to give it to them based on your history with them? Any details you can provide on that would be greatly appreciated!
i say 99 times out of 100 they dont miss you for being you
Usually, when people contact you after a long time. It’s really about wanting validation and an ego boost. You should value clear communication. If I miss someone, I just tell them.
They're generally transactional. At least mine was. That's why it's so easy for them to discard, disconnect, and disappear.
So chances are they miss the idea of you and what you may have done for them, but they don't miss...you.
Great content and you look great
Thais, please cover FA in relationship with another FA on this topic please!
I can imagine that it's two people competing who is not talking to the other one the hardest
Yessss more info pleeeeeaaaase 🙏
Amazing!!! Thank you so much for this content!!
Excuse me but why don't you make some videos for them " how to change the dismissive mentality from the core " ?!
It simply hurts okay going through the constant on and off / push and pull behaviour.
If it has been rooted to their childhood, then they should have an honest talk with their parents or caretakers and stop being coward.
Stop sympathizing them. Just stop. They are not children anymore. They are adults. They should take responsibilities of their acts and behaviours and past experiences.
We , the rest of the people ( anxious and others ), have gone through childhood trauma and emotional tensions too. If we can take responsibility of our own trauma along with their needs , why can't they ?
We all are merely humans.
So, please stop protecting some selfish , self centered , irresponsible morons.
Please.
They dont talk and they rarely and I mean rarely seek counseling and if they do, they blame shift ask me how I know.
My ex who was a DA just wished me on my birthday after 4 months of no contact I don't know if she still has feelings for me
Yup same here after 2 months NC. How do you tell someone “Have a nice life. So long.” And then wish them a happy birthday 2 months later? It’s like do you want me in your life or not? Confusing!
@@bryanfuchs1512 please just walk out of this situation and put yourself first. If someone wants you then they will make it clear to you and if you have to keep guessing it all the time then just leave this situation and focus on your healing.
as a DA, I would do this bc I still care about the person a lot. It is a small invite to know if they also miss in return. Its your opportunity
@@paniq_fnite its cool. the person is with someone else now. moved on in like 1 month and that same person would't date me for 3 years but started dating someone else in a month. so it does not matter. i feel wronged but we move
I dated my DA for 3 years. Can you please expand more on this topic and then reaching out.
So is a DA a narcissist ? They stonewall a lot . Or is this different ?
My therapist said that everyone who has a personality disorder has an insecure attachment style (usually avoidant) but not everyone with an attachment issue has a personality disorder.
Guess they need the other traits of a narcissist to be considered as such in addition to their clear avoidant attachment style.
What happens in the mind of a DA when you don't respond to them reaching out. Would they keep trying or not, and would that be a measure of them maybe wanting connection or now being minful of their hurtful response.
nice question, maybe they don't even care, I don't know
okay i didnt respond to any messages to my ex DA and they still keep on writing me at least 'good morning' and 'good night' - every single day. for 4months now...
@@neredan1182 mi ex sometimes she writes sometimes she is distant so I don't understand anything jajaja
@@neredan1182 Wow! I guess that goes with the territory of not being able to recognize emotional (un)availability
Big change, they'd feel rejected and move on.
My DA ex girfriend after 7 month of dating broke up with me without any reason whatsoever. She was finding the smallest flaws just to have a excuse to break up. After 5 weeks of no contact she reached out to me. She is reaching out to me everyday for the last two weeks with hi or good morning text. However she didn't come up with anything significant. We talk like buddys basically about everything and nothing. We don't talk about us and what happenned and why. I think she doesnt want to talk about it. Couple of times she was trying initiate a meeting i think asking do i work tomorrow. So i asked her to hang around and do shopping like we used to do. She agreed but she cancelled meeting on the day we suppouse to meet. She apollogised and told me that she was very affraid to meet me. When i asked her why she said she was affraid of herself that she would kiss me. Couple of days earlier two times we were flirting with eachother and conversation went very sexual. She even said she would come down to my place for a "cup of tea" if she would be living closer and it wouldn't be so late at night. She is still attracted to me big time but for some reason she is still distanced. It is very confusing for me and i don't really know how to play this game. Any advice guys?
She would come to you if it were not…?! Seriously? It is just an awkward excuse to avoid meeting you. Looks like breadcrumbing (I am in a break for month 4 dating for 7 years). If you have guts (I had to build them over the years) write out your boundaries for this relationship what your needs are and set a deadline for her to commit. I tried many times with a commitment, it triggered her pull away each time. Prepare for the date and be emotionally ready to whatever hurtful/cold she says. I am sharing my strategy if my DA ex reaches out. I will not reach out anymore, chased her too much in our connection. Now the end of chasing… Deal breaker - either she makes a serious effort even though it will be indirect direct or we are done…
Thias !!! Could you do one of these videos but for the combo attachment styles ? For example I’m pretty sure I’m an AP and I tested to be as secure as I am Fearful avoidant leaning. I’m pretty sure my parter is either dismissive avoidant with an anxious aspect or fearful avoidant with anxious aspect.
This is a little different when you’re an attachment style that’s leaning towards another attachment style + dating someone who’s similarly another attachment style and leaning another way.
This is me reaching out to ever friend in Teal's circle to get her to sit down and have a very long time coming conversation with me. She got the nail on the head with her video earlier. Which we need to talk about, this is the only way to save our existence in our, Teal and my worlds. Thias please help me with this.
What if they reach out to say happy birthday months later?
So watching this iv just had the dismissive avoident reach out to me but in the cruelest of ways she has me block but returned my jacket i told her to throw out with a note on my doorstep after 6 weeks of no contact the note said after the text i sent she doesn't want to here from me or restart communication by dropping it she said she hopes I'm doing well and said I guess we both are effected from our pasts thanked me deeply for calm and stability and walking In the mountains with her and other stuff told me to be happy nut hasn't really given me any way to respond she initially ended us by text because of me questioning intimacy and asking for a commitment where could she be at emotionally to do this and one I don't it's OK I'd rather have been left alone as all she's done is brought our memories back and confuses me any one feel free to give me an opinion or insight please
I was in a 3 year relationship with an avoidant. The last time I seen her was Christmas eve. I explained all I could telling her my faults n how I wanted to us to work it out. We kissed n hugged n after that we had a few conversations about things but she told me she needed time to get things in order. February 3rd I found out she was dating someone else. It broke me. I don't know if she did it to get a rise out of me n expect me to reach out, but I stayed cool and didn't. I've been doing NC since she told me she needed time. Bout 2 weeks ago I had updated my phone and it resent all messages that didn't go through to call my contacts. Including her. She sent me a text the next day n was not happy. Saying how that was unappreciated. Very cold. But she did tell me hope all is well with me. N thats was the last text. Im back in no contact.
It looks like my ex and me after telling me we'll try another way. The same day, her pretty dude hits her up. She feels ashame and start ghost me. I retaliate by a full no contact. I learn and see that she updates her looks etc and boom breaks up with him, reach me out on a little subject. We chatted, i gave her an other convo, and silence.
Move on, waiting isn't worth it. Big chance is she sees you enjoying your life and not giving a damn about her, she'll start to consider you again.
But don't waste your time, this is very mediocre.
@@GoLiveJeez its almost seems like she was testing the waters with you. If it happens again. Dont text too much. Ask to meet up with her. Then you could impress her in person. If she won't meet you, just say your busy and to let you know when she has time. Cause she's getting what she needs over text
@@tnk3776 yes I think your right. Strange thing is I have been getting restricted phone calls late at night. Stays on for a few seconds then hang up. I have a gut feeling its her. They come n go day to day. Ive told myself next time it happens im gonna talk to whomever it is. Like its her. See if I get a reaction. From this video she said DA also disappear from social media. At this moment I notice this is happening. So I'm thinking that the NC is finally getting to her. So its still waiting game, but I'm moving on with my life. Just doing stuff important to me. Time will tell.
@@tnk3776 yes. We got a big talks in DM on saturday, after that on wednesday and a face to face conversation on sunday : casual and chilled. She reached me out that to complimented me after that. I play it cool and soft.
@Personal Development School and @Thais Gibson... so say in six weeks my DA does reach out to me, what do I say?? I’d like some help with being prepared for if/when he contacts me.
I would love to know this as well.
Did he reach out?
I have been seeing for 3 years and now it’s 6 months we haven’t talk. He shut down and gone quiet, don’t reply to any calls and messages. I guess is over ?!
What if he reaches out just to tell me we’re incompatible? Again lol
Set up a date and be ready for whatever comes from him. And ( my approach in no contact) - draw your red lines of commitment and communication, and working on trauma/attachment issue. Basically tell him: you are on probation for say 6-9 months or less, then we will see. Make him earn you by working on himself. That is my approach now… Safegard your emotions, be a little casual and reserved, hold your cards to the chest emotionally. No outbursts showing how happy you are now that he is kinda back to you… good luck! With DAs you never know chaos their second name..😊
@@dmitryisaev5955 thank you for your advice! Yes, chaotic is a very good word to describe everything about poor DA’s
I'd like to see a video on the lingering feelings, one may feel, post breakup.. Here's a scenario that I am currently wrestling with: I had a short relationship with a DA. It had come to an end, and probably for the best too (It was rough going through the deactivation).. She reached out after a couple months, but then "crickets".. I've since moved on, but she still occupies a little space in my subconscious... It's annoying me lol.. But would love some insight
Lingering feelings are likely buried
@@SK-no2pp Interesting.. Do you mean like a buried attraction?..
@@87fsvilla Attraction is not a choice, either we are attracted to someone or we are not. As a dismissive avoidant, they can easily ignore or bury that attraction
@@cheeseoneverythingplease This is great, thank you.. :-)
@@SK-no2pp Interesting.. Thank you :-)
I'm wondering what is considered "short" vs." long" relationship being described here
I'm gonna guess the dating phase (usually a few months) vs the honeymoon phase (a year to two years, also can be on/off) vs stability phase (moving out of the honeymoon needs conflicts which sometimes never happens in relationships)
The next time you feel lonely remember…. I didn’t walk away, you let me go…..
Awww...that's what I'll be saying to my DA too if he keeps up with his no comms😞
Please do the video break down you discussed!
Please do some videos on the key points :)
He reached out after 1 month of no contact that I initiated to... ask to be fwb 😅 aftwr 20 months together he wanted to downgrade me to a f buddy
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Can you make a video on recognizing a covert narcissist DA from just a DA?
A connection in their cup...sounds an awful lot like a narcissist stealing narc
Is it any different if the DA ghosted?
Anyone who was actively dating, or in a full relationship, should not be ghosting. That person is cowardly and likely emotionally unavailable
@@SK-no2pp I agree. I'm just wondering if ghosting impacts the DA's likelihood of reaching out. I'm guessing it makes it less likely, but I'm not sure.
@@Nancy-du3kg I don’t think there is a one size fits all. The ghost, when they feel pressure or overwhelmed. If they can’t handle when times are actually good between you guys, then they certainly can’t be a partner when times are rough
Me and My DA (I’m a AP) dated for 4.5 months and 4 weeks ago he said he needed space, two weeks later he said he suddenly didn’t want to be in a relationship right now and things were so good and he was really becoming secure or at least I thought he was. It’s about to be 5 weeks since he distanced himself and two weeks since he told me he didn’t want to date right now. He’s def not hiding anything, but he went almost two weeks deliberately ignoring me and never asks how I am. I stopped texting him, but it’s so hard because our bond was amazing.. especially when he was secure.
When he ended our relationship, he told me I was a controller person... It does mean he hates respect my boundaries?
It seems like that to me.
Coz he said he was afraid not be able to "dominate" over me.
Are your courses available in Spanish? Or do you have similar resources in Spanish?
Just run away as fast as your feet can carry you. The toxicity is of an astronomical proportion. BTW FA know what they are doing. Its not that they don't understand the ramifications of their actions. Their actions are entirely premeditated and calculating.
Hello, the coupon seems to be invalid for me
Leave them on read
I have tormented my dysfunctional, broken and wrecking ball POS dismissive avoidant future Ex. He’s so afraid of having to interact with me, he cannot manage the thought of doing so, much less trying to do damage control. What a man baby, wuss.
Trying to not break up.
Thank you for this video. This is very good advice. Your videos on DA have helped me. My DA never progressed passed the dating phase. The second time. We dated in the Fall of 2020 and then again in Spring 2021. He friend zoned me after I asked to be exclusive this time (because I only have sex in a relationship). We are currently in no contact after I made my boundaries very clear. If he comes back again (doubtful) - I will take your advice
Did he ever reach back out?
@@MyvMeow we briefly reconnected in early 2022 and then he ghosted me after I found out he was still taking to and hanging out with his ex gf who lives down the road from him. Good riddance. Just leave these folks alone. It’s not worth the heartache.
Start 1:45
Sounds like narc fishing
I hope he never comes back. Good riddance!