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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 มิ.ย. 2024
- Usually, the person who is abused in these toxic relationships does not know that they are in one, they fear what would happen if they reached out for help, they have been brought to a very low state of mind, or because sometimes toxicity is very subtle. So, today, we are going to talk about these toxic parental relationships, specifically how a toxic mother relates or talks to their child in order to manipulate them.
Disclaimer: This video is for informational purposes only, to help guide you to ask professionals if needed. It is no way a substitute for qualified professional diagnoses or treatment
We've also made another video on the signs of a Narcissistic mother: • 10 Signs That You May ...
Writer: Daila Ayala
Script Editor: Denise Ding
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
Voice: Amanda Silvera / amandasilvera
Animator: Kayla Ramirez
TH-cam Manager: Cindy Cheong
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"All children deserves mothers, but not all mothers deserve children"
That hits the heart so deep
Oh gosh that’s deep and true 😔
That's so true my mom hates me
@*_Candy Galaxy_* Idk but they r not supposed to do anything to bother us like idk
@*_Candy Galaxy_* its one of those dumb quotes people come out with thinking they're being super deep but actually makes no sense
It's really sad that we all are more comfortable talking with strangers about our life's rather than telling our parents
True
Because you cant..she'll.. shut it down.🤷🏾♂️
Harder still when one parent has narcissistic tendencies so telling them achieves nothing and the other parent walked away when I was a teen. How I managed to stay normal amid all that I'll never know 🥴
Soo true
So true dude
My mom did the whole "you're too sensitive/emotional" thing. And there is one incident that really sticks out in my mind, it was last year when i was 13 and i was having a panic attack from my social anxiety over having to ask a teacher for something. She said exactly that and told me to shut up and stop crying. Still can hear it clarly in my mind.
@@hopebgood hey, everyone has they're own experience and you might have a worst experience, but that doesn't mean you can tell them that they saw nothing, it's better to be nicer then meaner
im so sorry that happened to you i hope u know that your emotions are valid and i hope u get to leave that house unlike me who is 22 now and still being abused by my mother so im wishing for u to have a great life that I couldn’t have and remember to make every mistake u can cause as long as you are not an adult it’s alright it’s the process of learning (not the mistakes that hurt u or anyone else in a bad way!) gain experience and don’t regret the process
@hopebgood, that is NOT an okay thing to say.
Regardless of "whoever took the worse hit than the other," theyre still just as terrible situation as any.
Even if you claimed you were in a more dramatical occurrence with your mother, it's not the right response to say you faced worse.
You don't know them.
Please do understand the usage of words and say them wisely, because saying things, in certain ways, will affect you, your life, and them and their life.
Regardless of that, I wish you guys a more peaceful life.
“Panic attacks” and “social anxiety” isn’t sensitivity or emotion. It’s the exact opposite. You’re afraid of your emotions and sensations. You had a panic attack because you weren’t allowing yourself to feel.
@@hopebgood😢
It’s so sad seeing so many of us relate to this. I wish we had a group. 😢
You could start a movement and make one :)
There are online peer groups.
I agree. All of everyone's posts are just breaking my heart. I know it's not enough to say, "I'm so sorry you went through that. You did NOT deserve that. You deserved love, validation, encouragement to be YOU, random compliments instead of only criticism. You deserved a happy childhood." But I wish that for everyone here. I was so ignorant to the fact I was being abused until age 11 that I thought my childhood was great. I still have issues setting boundaries, saying no, resisting pressure, people pleasing, disagreeing, and self-blame.
If you want, we could start a group. I'm not sure where. I don't know how to get to my inbox here. But aren't our usernames our gmail emails? I think we can do it that way.
@@CovetAmory I think the issue is that people carry this into adulthood rather than going to therapy and learning what they didn’t learn before and self love. So if I were to create a group I wouldn’t want it for us to just be the victims, I would want it going through recovery and healing. Age does help as well. You feel more confident to say no and be more yourself. You have such a big heart and know that it wasn’t your fault but taking ownership of your role in feeling this way now is what will set you free. Forgiving people (forgiveness isn’t accepting bad behaviour either). Writing down your triggers and pain is very therapeutic as well. Sitting in nature and meditating ❤️
Count me in
"Your mother is your best friend."
Trust me she has made it crystal clear she is NOT. Even said these exact words. This toxic behavior has made me apathetic towards her. I simply don't care anymore and I hate when people say "You can't hate her,she's your mother!" No,she's my abuser and I have stopped giving her power.
My ex-mom liked to say "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy."
My mom literally mock my depression
When my toxic father says "I bet you hate me" for some ego trip, I'm just like "I'd actually have to make an effort..." "I'd have to care"... indifference is what he's getting, anything more is an effort he'd want to see me make
@@keshaartis8365 so sick that a so called mother would even fathom saying that to her child!
👏👏👏 yes that’s exactly what you should do! I’m sorry you went through that :(
The amount of times I've heard "but she's your moooom" from people who don't know her the way I do 🤕 This feels very validating
I would actually keep telling myself that I would think well she’s my mom I have to accept this but now as an adult I know it’s hard it’s beyond hard but you have to do what’s best for yourself and future children
I have to agree with you. Most people that know my mom have no idea of how she can be.. I feel so glad to know that I'm not alone with this feeling.
😭😭😭😭waaawaaawaaa!!!
Don't speak to people about her, most of them don't have your experience. They always assume you did something wrong. It makes you feel even more lonely. Search for people with same experience and self reflection. There are not much of us, but we exist :) Speak to people with same experiences and self reflection. You will see you will feel better!
I always hear the same thing, at least I know I'm not alone in this :>
Every child deserves a parent
But not every parent deserves a child...
Right I'm 33 and my mom says Crazy things and is denial sometimes of being a narcissist when I move out I don't have to deal with her anymore
I agree 100%!🥳🥳🥳🙂🤘
True
"I am always right, because I AM your mother!" was what I just heard last night from her. These were the words that tell me who she REALLY was, before she disowned me. It hit so hard, that I've had the very final straw with her.
I relate with this because two days ago my mother told me something similar since I tried to stand up and tell her how I felt about her. She said "I am always right, even when I am wrong." This shows a lot about her true character and what she thinks about when she is wrong.
It's terrible that they value being "right" more than they value our feelings. Why did they have us, then act like we're such a "burden"? My reply to all that crap ended up just being, "I didn't ask to be born." And no, she is not right, she's a right mess, and you're left disappointed in her.
@@vo1d364 I wonder if she knows how dumb that sounds. Honestly...
@@CovetAmoryI believe she doesn't since I mean I feel like she is egotistical and often looks for answers inside of her own head. I was silent for one minute and as she walked upstairs she said, "I am a flawless parent." in arguments she makes me feel like I'm the crazy one or the bad one and it is insane to me.
@@vo1d364Get out of the house. Your mother is not a good human. Learn from books
"My *obligation* as a parent ended when you turned 18" The most hurtful thing my mom has ever said to me.
Sorry for you. Lots of hurting souls.
Parenthood is a lifetime commitment.
My former sister told her 12 yr old son to his face (in a drunker rage) that she should have had an abortion. She is no longer my sister, and my nephew is abetter person than she'll ever be.
Omg 😵😵😵
I’m so sorry to hear that.
Mine just said I’m a failure and I don’t care about her opinions about me anymore
She thinks she knows me enough to judge me, but actually she doesn’t really know who I am. My friends are way better than her.
Surprised the phrase “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” wasn’t in here. That was my mom’s favorite phrase
That’s scary
That honestly sounds like a threat.
@hotwhire That's bc it is
Ya was my dad's favourite but realize my mom gaslit me a lot more than I knew and my dad was very manipulative. My parents are no longer together but still are not honest with each other of the trauma and my brothers and I are still not facing our trauma yet. I am just starting now at almost 50 years and one of my brother's only because Children's Aid's involvement with is family.
Oh yes, mama loves a threat.
For me it was either: "Stop crying, your too weak" or "you have to do what i tell you to do!"
same :( crying is not weak, it's strong to show emotion. they just don't care as narcissists because it makes them angry to be held accountable for their f*ck ups. And one way to hold them accountable is by crying when they've hurt you. And you don't have to do what they tell you to do. That's just controlling coerciveness using fear but not reason.
I'm so sorry that you go through this aswell:(
And thanks for caring about me , nobody else ever did, nor notice the signs:(@@CovetAmory
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"!
i genuinely thought it was normal for parents to insult you 24/7 and destroy your confidence.
I can relate to this
I constantly feel like my mother only loves me because I’m her child and she “needs” to love me. This really cleared some thoughts I’ve been having recently, so thank you :)
OMG I thought I was the only one feeling like that about my mother! I always tell my mother that you only love me because I'm your child
Same...
@@hyunjinsrose I don't even say that I don't have to because the abuse I've had is enough to know my mom don't lov me
Same
… is that not normal? I’m almost 26 & I thought that this is how it’s supposed to be
To add on to the "I carried you for nine months" point, when parents act like providing basic human rights like food, water, and shelter is doing the child a favor. No, that is your basic duty as a parent.
My mom in some occasionally would ""joke"" about me having a debt (in money) for all the services she gave me. I swear I put on a totally serious face
I remember my mother always spiteful telling g me I was living in her house, using her electricity and water etc. I used to get a knot in my stomach when I was going to ask if I could have a bath
my mother opened a check book every time she was called upon to actually be loving with her children. That was the only way she knew how to love. I would rather have lived in a shack with loving parents than a fancy home with parents who did not seem to really want me.
What I think some of these replies aren't understanding is that this doesn't mean that you're an abusive parent if you're struggling to provide for your family. That isn't what's being said. What this actually means is that it's not okay for parents to guilt their children into thinking that even though they are able to provide basic needs for the child, the child doesn't deserve it or could have those basic needs taken away as a punishment. Or phrases such as "if we didn't have you, we would be better off" or constantly making a child believe that their existence is a problem for them. That you see your child as nothing more than an expense. That's what's toxic and emotionally abusive.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm living out of favor in my parents house.. I had a point where I would ignore the most part of my hygiene and just not eat if a discussion regarding money, job or even politics came up, because I felt undeserving to use their means if I wasn't contributing to the house's bills (that when I was a teenager), so I wouldn't shower, I wouldn't brush my teeth, wash my clothes and avoid using the bathroom for a ridiculous extended period of time only out of shame.
Safe to say that it was about this time that suicidal thoughts came with all force, because I thought that all I did was occupy space, consume oxygen by breathing and eat all of their food (I was overweight and bullied both in my house and in school because of that), so I thought everyone would be better off without me.
My mom did pretty much the majority of these to my siblings and I. Now that I’m a mom, I’m consciously thinking about my child’s emotional and physical safety and the things I say and do around my child. And I for sure stop all toxic comments coming from my mom toward my child. I’m working to break the cycle.
I wouldn't let her be around your child
You’re good mom❤
That is amazing, i hope it gets easier to break the cycle and your mother's comments.
I completely relate. When my siblings and I would cry, my mother would say "stop feeling sorry for yourself". She used to say to my younger brother his room was part of her house, therefore she can walk into his room whenever she wants.
Now that we are adults, my sister and I who work in the health industry have notice the damage she has done. We avoid her as much as possible.
I've been through the same, and had thought it was so normal. Who cares whose house it is. She decided to birth you, she owes you boundaries and privacy. Yeah, stop feeling sorry for ourselves or they'll really give us something to cry about. There was that too. And the defensiveness instead of true apologies. It really does mess with every aspect of our lives and we internalize so much as "normal". I'm so glad you have your sister and are limiting contact with your mom. I try with my parents. But they've kept me dependent in so many ways that I'm learning my way out of.
I didn’t even have a door on my bedroom. No privacy at all
No child should ever feel like they need to earn their mother's love. It hurts
I always have to earn my mom favour ... and the sad part is that I was never able to earn her favour.
My mom is good at pretending, my ex stepmom on the other hand? Didn’t even really try.
My mother flat out told me I would never have her acceptance or approval
Exactly, it hurts so much that your heart ends up having more wounds, instead of your body.
Fathers may have a reputation of being physically aggresive, but mothers are emotionally and mentally far more aggresive, because they can get away with hurting her children.
I've been paying for my mothers affection for years, each birthday and Christmas I spend hundreds on her gifts.
0:10 .Disclaimer
0:54 “I carried you for nine months”
1:52 “You’re too sensitive”
2:42 “My child is smart but too lazy to try”
3:53 “You’re my child and I have the right to…”
4:43 “Why aren’t you as good as this child?”
5:24 “You’re going to be seen like *that*?”
6:34 “I don’t know why I even bother with you?”
Have a great day and Thank you so much Phsyc2Go for your videos 🥺
I'm so glad my ma has never say these things to me, it sounds so painful to hear that I'll cry hard as I can as soon as I hear it especially as a person whose parents, family members and friends never speak harshly to. 🧍🏻♀️
@@1hmnzie lucky for you❤, you don't have to deal with the hate u feel when u find out ur parents are dyfunctional (a toxic mom and an absentee dad) the feeling is like an orphan and like as if you raised urself because it's all u ,u had to talk about feelings and understand.
Such women don't deserve to have children nor be called mothers.
My mom does not do this thank God
Thank you for this summary - I didn't want to watch the entire video this time around.
The most painful part was telling my mom I felt unloved because she wasn't proactively checking on me during a difficult experience, and she told me "you're being entitled for expecting that from me." I've never tried to paint myself as a perfect child, but sharing a piece of childhood trauma and being told I'm entitled made me remember exactly why I'm so closed off
I lost my mom when I was 8 years old 😔💔 she was an angel.. exactly the opposite of abusive or toxic. She was the best thing I ever had and I learned from her..my babies are very happy and they know they can trust me and count on me for everything.. I promised I'll never let dem down .. till infinity and beyond 👉🏽👈🏽🙌🏽 ❤️
My mom was toxic, so was her mom. My family were narcissist and they were all toxic. Gaslighting was constantly done to us, and until a few years ago I didn't know what narcissism was, now I'm healing from all of that. Don't follow in toxic people's footsteps.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person, and I can't imagine the trauma of being raised by one. I hope you are healing and doing well. 💕💕
Yup i completely agree with you don't walk in the minefield anymore. Im glad to know I'm not alone in this situation.
I have a similar situation. I have learned that you can cancel your contract with people, so you don't have to have them in your circle in your next life!!! It made me feel better. I cancelled three. Just visualize it!!!
Sounds like my family. And, apparently a lot others. I'm prone to think that it has a lot to do with how they were raised. I've heard awful stories of my grandmother from my Aunties. My mom was always the one who'd go to her defense. My mom is a replica of her mother. I feel broken beyond repair and, I'm almost 53. I'm now my mom's caretaker, just as she was her mother. The difference is that I recognize what she is but, I'm loyal. I just take the abuse. She's only abusive like that with me, my younger sister, my daughter. She favors her sons over her daughters. It's weird to me
@@oratiletsimatsima9643 Thank you, it's a gradual healing, it takes patience.
I am a therapist working with adults with extreme mental health issues. Some parents are pure evil and do not care about their children. They destroy their children for life. It is heartbreaking to meet these people as adults, the majority of them still believing that everything was their fault.
Just because some parents are unable to love their children, doesn't mean that those children are unloveable.
Sir, is this getting more and more common to find victims of these Households these days?🤨
and somtimes the kid knows that it wasn't her fault that the mother buyed a Car she can't effort and the mother was succesful to let the other family members believe it was the 9-10 year old childs fault that the mother did that and other stuff like that as I was a child my grandma said to me :"why haven't you stopped her from that?" and now I finally no the answer cause I was a child and it is not my responsibility what my sick mother does and what not
@Nanita S What an interesting response! Obviously all abusive people were once children. There is an on going debate about whether people are the result of nature or nuture (born with or learned through experience), personally I think it's all largely nurture. Some abuse victims become more empathic, while some go the other way and develop cluster B personality disorders (feel free to research this) such as NPD and ASPD (psychopathy). People with cluster B personality disorders are your classic abusers and there is no way of getting through to them, they do not feel love, they do not feel empathy and they use other people (even their own children), as objects to play with. These are the parents I am referring to. Yes, they were children once, some had unsupportive parents, some had overly supportive parents, but with some people the end result is a hurt person who goes on to hurt others. I work with adults who were raised and broken by this type of person.
Children are always love able
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💐
I’m currently going through an anxiety attack for how true and relatable I found this.
Hope you are ok 😢
My mother is overly critical and extremely demanding. If I ever tell her no her favorite response is " I gave up everything for you when you were a child and this is how you're going to treat me". When that tactic doesn't work she either starts crying and plays the victim or she starts screaming and calling me every swear word invented.
The saddest part is that sometimes groups of women who treat their kids like this become friends and influence each other to double down on this type of behavior. Speaking from experience
I can understand
Thats so true, my mother, and about 3 of her friends think all the same way. I always see it when we go to visit and I can't help but internally yell at all of them
That is the problem the fact that there “friends” all share the same opinions makes them feel like they right.
There's a channel dedicated to abusive parents who don't take accountability for the mess they created. But instead they talk about their adult children and how they "blame" their parents for everything rather than acknowledging they played a role in their child's fundamental development. Everyone on there made me sick.
It's interesting that you say that because i think people realize subconsciously that about someone else. As they saying goes birds of the same feather flock together. We can choose now. This is a good place to find a good group of people.
More people need to see this and break the chains of generational trauma.
Pretty name and pfp you have, and I agree with you. The more that it's known, the less likely it is to continue on.
Sometimes "broken" is good... at least when breaking the cycle of abuse!
Yes, you have to understand, as it took me 60 years to do, that this is genuine PTSD and probably even Complex PTSD. It's not behavioral or learning how to "communicate" it's getting healing for yourself and if my monster were still alive, keeping a healthy distance.
The most frustrating thing I feel like no one sees it but me.
@ChaosGoesBRR it’s hellish everyone family friends don’t see it. I’ve been damaged with it a long time. But now I know about how it affects people who has this trauma, and a long road to healing. I’m hoping.
Sometimes parents don't even realize that these is a bad things to say
I have to stop before I speak because I know that I was brought up a certain way and it’s hard to break away from the way I was brought up.
I think they know exactly what they are saying.
@@karenmonson9893 no actually, what are they saying?
@@TahaBeeh1 " The 8 Things Toxic Mothers Say To Their Children". I'm wondering if you were raised with someone like this? I was! She's dead and can't hurt me anymore.
@@karenmonson9893 sorry for you maybe our situations is just different.
Yes some words make a deep bad effect in the person who is adressed yet i know from my little experiences in life most of the people do things always with good intentions no matter how much did they miss up
My mom played a video about “8 signs of toxic sons” so I played this back at her
"You're my child and I have the right to..."
This definitely applies to my mother. She thinks she can say whatever she wants to me, no matter how demeaning, because she's my mother. She tells me to shut up whenever she can't win an argument with logic, because she thinks that she can't possibly be wrong and that I must blindly obey her solely for "being my mother".
Same here
my mom too
Same here! 😤😤😤😡😡😡
Try being a mirror to her behavior and see if she can handle her own crap. Or try the greystone method, it drives them crazy.
@@kingdomhearts453 If you try to correct her on anything she will claim that "I know what I saw/heard" or "I'm not blind/deaf". Plus, even if she doesn't say it to your face the way she will talk to you implies that she's calling you a liar.
Greystoning is pretty much what a few of my siblings and I do most of the time when my mom makes offensive comments. It's just when she continually makes racist and homophobic comments I feel like I have to speak up, and that's usually when the arguments start.
When my sister was younger she spoke up about my mom's homophobic comments and my mom proceeded to ask my sister if she was a lesbian. She basically acted like she had to be gay if she was defending those that are.
Funny how this came out right after I had a fallout with my toxic mom. And I’m really glad that the “mothers can do no wrong” culture is being called out.
Yes, “She’s your mom and she loves you don’t be ungrateful” I never said I was ungrateful I said I told my mom I was depressed and she said there was no reason 😡
I'm a 15 year old teenage boy and it is one of my wish to give my future children the love and support that I barely got. I'd never scold them or beat them.
Very slowly. Unfortunately, there's still people out there with that old school thinking. I have to be picky about who I talk to about my parents.
This culture really sucks, my adoptive uterus human has said sh-t lik this and worse to me
"I AM YOUR MOTHER AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!!!" was mine's favorite line. She was a monster.
I am autistic, so when I was being 'too sensitive' that really made me go into myself more, questioning myself, it effected my self esteem more as a result. She would always say things too like put your arms away, its not nice to have all your arms showing like that. Just little things that really effected my self esteem. She still tried dictating my life at 32, we haven't seen each other now for over a year. Although that is the case, things I do, media influences etc still remind me of her , anything does really and I never feel I can fully move on. Growing up I struggled to make friends and keep them. I only really had family, we moved around the globe too which didn't help because of my dads job, and she knew I only really had her to confide in etc, In which It felt a lot of the time unhappy and toxic to do so, so I ended up questioning myself lots, doubting myself and putting myself down. I believe parents play a huge part in how you turn out as an adult and my confidence is still rock bottom because I unfortunately hear mums voice in all I do still.
Artistic, you are a warrior. I have a son with aspergers he is an amazing young man. I taught him my world, and he taught me his. You're a very special person. I taught my son how special he is. You have many gifts us boring sd folk don't have. Hold your head up high. You are so very special and amazing, like my son is. God bless you. You are a gift from God I truly believe that remember that always you are a gift from God a special young lady
My mom called me disgusting because I’m autistic so my room gets a little messy really easily. No trash or old food or anything in there, just a few clothes on the floor. Apparently that makes me a disgusting human
@@Idiot_TaylorsVersion Same and my mom goes even further with censoring me at calling me insults if I even dare to spoke out with reason and even threat me to call the police.
Regretfully I have used many of these phrases when my kids were younger and I would get so frustrated not knowing what to do while at the same time trying so hard not to be that parent . I had to dig deep and realize that while I said these things I never meant to make them feel less than it was a horrible hand me down from my own mom . Many things we say as parents we don’t realize how our kids hear it even when said for the best of reasons like “ are you really going to school dressed like that ?” When they are wearing something off the wall . It’s not easy being a parent but it’s harder when your raised to feel you are in competition with your parent , I want my kids to be better than me in every way I just had to learn to give them the room to do so .
When my mum turned 65 this year, after my stern confrontation she finally admitted that she threw a butchers knife at me when I was 5 in which it sliced my forehead. Whereby she responded, "when I chased you with a knife I was only trying to scare you." Growing up, my mum's abuse came in all manner of form; physical with butcher knives being her favourite weapon, emotional manipulation and endless gaslighting/strawmaning. I had such poor ability to stand up for myself and sense of self that at 25 I begun learning about self worth. Even now when I hear people say you gotta respect your mother and be good to them, no one will love you like your mother loves you, I still feel the guilt as I work through my emotional unbalances of what's not ok on a unconscious level. So thank you for these videos and the community sharing their flawed mothers. It's a continued lesson for me to feel that I'm allowed to have healthy boundaries to protect myself. 🙏💚
Its true that all children deserve mothers but not all mothers deserve children.
I am so sorry to hear that. Glad you learn how to take care of yourself.
im so glad you're safe
Poor you :(
Attempted murder much? That’s awful. I’m sorry you went through that.
How the hell she wasn’t CHARGED WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER ??!!!
Mothers are often overlooked as abusers as it’s commonly the fathers who get the bad rap for being deadbeat fathers and whatnot. Thanks for this video. Helps a lot for validation.
I strongly disagree. Mothers abuse as much or more than fathers do, if only because they have more opportunity to abuse. I don’t know anyone with sound knowledge of these dynamics who thinks mothers are usually overlooked as abusers.
@@Bronte866 it likely varies by culture/country. In the US, it’s often fathers who are labelled as bad and they often get the short end of the stick when divorce happens as well with custody of the children typically going to the mother. Mothers are favoured generally. Although I do not disagree that they have more opportunity to abuse their children due to the former.
Then sometimes both parents suck Horay (using humor to cope with some things I am still working through)
@@bluz1864 absolutely. This was the case for me as well. In therapy now.
I apologized to my father today for being blinded by the manipulation from my mother. Not seeing that he gave it his all because of the manipulation as well. These wounds go so deep, how did you heal..?
A poor mother will
- emotionally manipulate
- control
- think you owe them for having you
- you’re too sensitive
- invalidating your feelings
- insults their child
- she projects her insecurities
- she crushes the child’s talent
- she shoots down any criticism
- she feels she has the right to control or breach trust
- she feels she can overrule you because she’s a mother
- thinks your a puppet not a child
- constant comparison with others
- makes you feel unstable so you depend on her view of the world to feel safe but it isn’t safe!
- undermine your self confidence
-uses shame to control
This is difficult and you can get help ❤❤❤
I'm 29 years old, and my mom still uses some of these phrases. I don't think she realizes how manipulative they are, it's just things she's learned from her parents. She really does care about myself and my children, she just has funny ways of expressing it sometimes. And doesn't always use the best verbiage.
"If you don't repay her with total obedience, then you're a bad child"
This genuinely hurt to hear. My mom has constantly made comments about how I was always the most ungrateful child.
That's not even touching the rest of the video... This one made me feel called out the entire way through and as much as I wish I could show my mom; I really can't.
Your not an Ungrateful Child. She’s just an ungrateful mother. Blind and deaf to your own thoughts and feelings. Don’t let her words bring you down.
This is probably why I love the movie "Ella Enchanted" so much. She was 'gifted' with obedience, and made her best friend leave (like I was forced to do with my first fiancé'), because she was forced to by her toxic 'stepmom.' Mine insisted on me being mistreated by men, and she drove away the one good one who treated me with respect, kindness and love. It's hard to forgive that.
Yup, I've heard that I was ungrateful and didn't know how lucky I was to have such amazing parents and that others would kill to be in my place. I always internally rolled my eyes at that shit.
I am so sorry for your bad experience with your mom I hope you can forgive and move on
" I gave you that thing 10 years ago! I let you live here 30 years ago! I gave you LIFE!! You owe me - FOREVER!!" Yeah... mine is a real peach. I'm now 50 and she's 80 - she still hasn't changed a bit.
I've gotten that "you're too sensitive" all my life. It's not only toxic but insulting as well. Now, thankfully, I know that speaking up about something someone has done to me doesn't make me sensitive; it means I have the strength to call out the BS and shut it down.
Being sensitive wasn't the worst...
@@susannabonke8552 For me it was.
Honestly it was something I heard. I got yelled at for crying so now I personally gaslight myself and call myself a sensitive snowflake for having negative feelings towards people
If I ever showed any emotion I was hypersensitive, mum told me to keep my emotions to myself and never talk about them to anyone. Yep, utterly fucked up all my life. Thanks mum.
You feel all emotions and respond and react to emotions. That was threatening to them. I’m so sorry. I understand.
Thanks for making the video. It means a lot to me. I’m 27 now but I still feel depressed when I think about my mother
"Are you really going to go out looking like 'THAT?!' Go change... NOW!!" My mom had said that about my favorite jacket, or if I wear a pair of leggings or jeggings and when I thought I looked cute or comfortable but she thought I didn't look that good/ inappropriate
My mom would start singing the carly simon song, YOU'RE SO VAIN.
Gentle hugs
The one that hit me unexpectedly hard was “your my child and I have the right to” and especially the point of “it’s my house so your room is mine”
My mother, with me as an adult, still does that, and it really makes me mad with the stuff she does it with. Whenever it counts in her favor, she claims something as her own, and when it’s something bad, it’s mine and I have to deal with it.
Yea like forcing you to grow but also simultaneously getting mad that you are independent
Oh so I’m not the only one with a narcissistic mother? That’s good to know
relateable
@@highrkey1463 this is literally my first year in my entire life recognizing that my mother is a narcissist (I’m 20) my entire life, although hurtful and abusive, I overlooked these things and now that I don’t allow her to emotionally abuse me she wants nothing to do with me constantly lashing out or being passive aggressive in every single interaction. I wish some ppl would just not have kids it’s so selfish.
that’s exactly how my father is
Thank you so much for sharing this. My partner's mother is very abusive and manipulative, and we've been working together for them to see this and what to do about it. It's hard to see the abuse when that's al you've ever known. I'm very appreciative of people taking the time to spread this kind of awareness.
Comparison is wrong and called favoritism. Nothing good comes from it.
I had a horrible mother growing up, but everytime I tried to reach out people would be shocked and invalidating, even might become defensive on her behalf.. they can't even fathom the idea that a mother can be bad. Felt so alienated.
I’ve also struggled with this when telling others.
You’re not alone on this.
Happened to me too. Im 25 years old. Still NOT getting along with her. People look @ me like im the villain cuz shes basically nice. Yeah too everyone, not me
My mom brainwashed me into thinking that she was a good mom. I never liked her but I felt too guilty to admit it even to myself for the longest time.
Amazing aint it. They have that Jekyll and Hyde side to them. It's almost like they can turn it on and off in a split second. My mom is a psychotic narcissist and treats me like shit. I think the bitch is bi-polar too. Being around her is like being around a ticking time bomb and not knowing when it's going to go off. Always on edge when I'm around her. Stay strong and don't let her defeat your spirit.@@ayeon9395
I once told my mom when I was younger straight to her face, “I didn’t ask to be born, you chose that, and that is your problem and yours only” the look on her face was anger horror and shock, that moment is stuck in my mind and I still think about it years later
Good for you. Well said.
Wish i could do the same
@@blackcore_gaming all it takes is that first push
@@Pan3m my mom is literally a psycho
Once I woke up at 8:30 am and she started making a mess out of this and almost left the house or tried to k!ll herself but I had to stop her becoz no one was there at home
@@Pan3m just becoz i don't follow some of her rules , she always say "Don't talk to me" and compares with others
Tell a child that they just need to apply themselves more to complete a task or that you can do anything that you put your mind to. Great motivation.
Wow, you gotta appreciate all the things you never really realized... For my part I experienced the typical motherly love and never thought any special about that... Thank you community for sharing your very personal stories and insights into a toxic relationship although it's a difficult topic. I wish you all the best and hopefully the best improvements you can get with your mother (as long as it exists, otherwise i just wish you all the bests and the strength you need :) )
I'm 60, and my mother died January of 2020. When I found out, I cried for 10 minutes, then I remembered--my mother may have loved me, but she never liked me. A lot of the things mentioned in this video hit home. I could write a book here, but to sum my mother up, she'd tell you that I was a high school dropout before she'd tell you I graduated college. That was my mother.
I understand that. Mine is still alive, I didn’t do well leaving high school but went back and did it again. Got into university. Then she said, despite doing this whilst I was a single mum of 2… all you care about is yourself, you are dragging your kids up.
I'm 73 and didn't shed a tear when my mother died several yrs ago. She left me nothing in her will. Everything to my only sibling. I'm still dealing w/how poisonous she was and it's effects on me.
I feel the same way, I'm only 15 but I feel I will react the same when my mother dies. I am so disconnected at this point to her that my loving mother I knew when I was little just seems like a fond memory, she is now a different person. People always say that "she's your mother, she loves you more than life itself" If she does, she does not express it.
@@intensityz6462 not to meddle but, have you thought maybe something happened to her? My mother has always been this way. Never cared to show love, never spent quality time (nor my father) and gaslight us for not expressing love. But if you recall your mother one way, and she changed… something must’ve happened and I’m not saying it’s your fault. Maybe, something happened to her and maybe that could bring you together. Sorry if I’m just getting in between I know I don’t know you but it’s a possibility I see as an outsider
@@intensityz6462 I remember my mother the same way. What may be changing is that YOU have grown up to be high school age and by now have a bit more experience with different kinds of people. You can see what doesn't seem right. Hold your ground firmly but respectfully about what you need and want. At least that was what my perspective had to become when I was about as old as you are now.
My mother's problem was very much like what was seen in the video. Unhappiness with her own life's direction, maybe a feeling of finally getting her time freed up a bit more now that you're growing up...it's the perfect storm for someone who's not prepared to deal with herself, and who probably doesn't have to right tools to cope. You can't help someone who doesn't want it, though, and she may not be asking. It's not your job as the child to figure it out for her, anyway.
My own mother was very jealous that I was at a time in my life where the world was still wide open to me, and she just couldn't support me very well when I wasn't a little kid anymore. In hindsight, I know that she didn't know how to be that person. She hadn't had much of that herself. But that doesn't mean she gets to stand in your way. You aren't her, and you have to find your own way in the world. Try to be kind as you can to her, but make good choices for yourself, too. She will likely complain no matter what you do, and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. I say this as someone further down the road now, who had (and still has at a distance) a very toxic mother, and who also now has a child about your age, too.
Look for people who CAN support you in life. They're around, and they are going to be very important for getting yourself on your feet as you figure out who you want to be and how to get there. And know that the more self-aware you are in life, the better your chances are at NOT repeating the same mistakes with kids of your own one day if and when you have them. Much as she may pull back at you, there are plenty of people who also want to see you succeed. Just make sure you're one of them. 😉
My mother used to use the "I carried you for 9 months" thing on me all the time, even into adulthood. I finally was so sick of it I said to her, “Congratulations, you decided to have a child and raised it to adulthood. Do you want an effin’ cookie”? She hasn’t said it since. 😂🤣😂
👍👍😂
Same here. But I told her it was her choice to have me as a second daughter, because apparently she was just getting along better with my older sister.
If I said that, I wouldn't be typing this right now😂
Mine has used "your father wanted to abort you, you were my idea"
The funny thing is; I'd rather have been aborted. Also, my father is the only one out the 2 of them that has actually said "I love you" to me, he's also said I mean the world to him, not the words of someone who wanted to get rid.
girl my mom said to me 2019 she wishes back in the old days she never had me, also told my sisters that. and they told her u could have gone for an abortion. she got mad lol
Hi & thank you for this video! 98% of it resonated with me (sadly). But it's helpful to listen, read other comments and know I'm not alone. One of the hardest things is when you're not believed, especially. by my siblings. Now that we're in out 50's they can see, witness & hear how differently our mother is toward me. It's taken 5 decades, but it's been validating to hear them speak up on my behalf. I appreciate all of the insights shared! Sending strength, joy and peace to this community
“If you don’t want me to call you useless all the time then don’t act useless”
I became suicidal, a large factor being my parents, particularly my mother. Unfortunately, all 8 of these points resonated too deeply, reminding me of a past that I naturally repress, remembering it only when triggered. Eventually, I revealed to my mother that at some point in time, I deeply contemplated suicide. She asked why and if there was anything she could do to help. By that point in my life, the trust I held onto was hanging by a thread. So I deflected and avoided that conversation, intending to initiate the resolution process at a later time. Eventually, she decided to talk with me privately, telling me that she wanted to end all of the tensions between us. My trust was there, but hanging by a thread. So we spoke, and I addressed all of the problems I had with her, of which she remembered me talking about when I was the "rebellious teenager". While some of the things I said were stupid, by the time this conversation happened, I was in my late-20s, which means my logical thought processing improved, and putting them into words also improved. At that time, we "ended" the tension. Magically. She felt happy, because we could instantly be at peace. But she did not change. That micromanaging authority figure who never once cared about my goals or my emotional well-being, completely dismissing emotional and mental abuse as real things, because they simply aren't physical or material things; and therefore, cannot be measured. She has absolutely no idea the effect that she's had on my entire life. "Mother is God in the eyes of a child." I believe that's from the Silent Hill movie, but the idiom holds weight. Mother is not always a god worth dying for; mine is not.
I am now married. My spouse and I have discussed my mother. Our children will not have a grandmother nor grandfather from my side. Both of my parents are separated and also awful people. I don't mind if they died. In fact, I will feel a lot of relief when they do. The day I find out they're both dead is the day I can cut the final thread, the last piece of faith I have in their ability to understand exactly how awful they were, the last piece of faith I have that barely exists. I hate them. There is no sense of family for me, other than whatever family I am now creating. Both of my parents regarded "family" as obligations tied by blood. I owed them too much: My respect in exchange for being scolded for not having good posture; my love in exchange for having my aspirations completely ignored; small portions of my paychecks for a house I no longer live in, because my mom says that it's "your guys' [siblings and I] house". Perhaps I should also inherit their credit debt. Perhaps I should also inherit their sins.
This is very uncomfortable for you, the internet, to read. I simply felt like sharing my story. However, this is not a story I've told enough. For decades, I was ashamed to share my story. In the few times I have, I've been told to love my mom anyway, because she's my mom. Strange how I never hear that for fathers, because I talk about him negatively as well. I've been told I should man up, "deal with it", "grow up", "just be a man", etc. I wanted to die, because I could not exist in a world where I lived to be indebt to an older person who gave birth to me, demanding that I repay her, insisting that I owed her for her so-called "sacrifices". Sacrifices do not get repaid. It would not be a sacrifice otherwise. I was too close to pulling that trigger. But I didn't. So, instead of becoming a forgotten memory, perhaps I can say that I lived to tell my story. And for the first time, I'm seeing other people share theirs.
I do not advocate that we should hate, spite, or inflict suffering upon anybody. My inconsolability is my own, but my mother was the same. I know what inconsolability turns into; a parent as described here. My story is not pretty. It is not nice to look at. But I ask you, internet, do you know how many of your friends can sum up their relationships with their parents in 8 minutes? They're waiting to share their story. They just need a set of ears. Or eyes, if it's the internet.
I'm sorry. But thank you for reading.
Thanks for sharing. Good to hear you’re no longer stuck there and that you can face forward. You go, you!
🤗🤗🤗🤗🙏🏾 thank you for sharing. I hope it helped to give you some form of catharsis. Ive had mines with my father. He pulled a gun on me, the last time i saw him🙃. I wish him the best he's a narcissist who said he did it for my own good, as me and my brother; the one i was trying to protect when they were fighting,... alas, i don't even want to go off into that abyss explaining. But i rather not have a child, than to have one with a parent/partner that would destroy their life
Internet is listening and thanks for an amazing story to learn from. My friends are very good with their parents except me... Told my story in the internet too.. somewhere in the comments... But in short... Same as you but just half as bad
Woah that's a lot to take in man, but why tf did I even get this on my recommendation tho?
No need to apologize for sharing your story.
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Going through this is one of the reasons I chose not to have children. I didn't want what was done to me transferred over to someone else.
Im scared of having children and marriage cuz of my mom as well
You can break the cycle.
If you do have children one anyway I feel you won’t make the same mistakes, just the fact that you are aware that trauma can be generational means that you can notice your own mistakes and learn from them from this little statement I feel you’d be a pretty good parent.
@@margueritechastain6093 how kind of you
I'm happy that people choose not to have kids. I had 3. I Do Not want to be a grandparent. So far all 3 are on board to not have kids. And don't adopt. I no longer want anything involving children/babies
My mother has both physically and mentally hurt me but always brainwashed me into thinking that it is the basis of disiplin and always blamed my scars on my dad since they had separated when I was little but looking back now I see that all of my pain all of my suffering and all of the negativity in my life is from my mom and I can't wait until these five years are over so I'm 18 a d can finally move out and I've honestly never told anyone about this yet I'm more comfortable telling strangers than confronting my mom😢
my mom always told me after her and dad would fight she would say " please, please dont grow up thinking this is normal, i love you"
I went no contact. Best choice I ever made. For my sanity, for own kids sanity and safety. But literally I watched this and within the first five seconds I broke down. I don't understand how anyone could treat a child that way, much less the one who gave birth to them. I just do the exact opposite of what my parents did and that seems to be the best COA.
I haven't spoken to my father in eight months. He's a typical gaslighter. To this day I wonder if he'll ever apologize. I thought for sure he would. The slow realization that he's not going to hurts so much. He's missing out on a relationship not only with me and my husband, but 3 really nice grandkids. I just don't get it.
@@amyjwebb7937 don't let it eat you up. You know what is wrong and right. It's his loss. Forgive and move on for you own sake. You seem like this turned out for you in the long run.
I have a touch of the ole Stockholm syndrome. I have severe anxiety so can't leave the house alone, yet I live with the person who caused that anxiety. While I don't open up to her about my feelings, I do rely on her so I can go and buy food.
Beware that your kids see your going no contact and will likely do the same with you unless you are 100% PERFECT.... which is impossible for any parent.
@@a.w.3772 well what my parents did to our family . There's alot more in the back story. On top of that my family has made zero attempt to form a relationship with the kids and this was prior to going no contact. It's a really messy nasty situation and the kids didn't deserve the blatant favoritism and snide remarks. They were toddlers when this was happening. I still feel I did the right thing and yes there will be difficult conversations in the future. But there are scores of legal documents to explain what I can't when the time comes.
Number 6 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I have the uncanny ability to turn the tables on a narcissist. Number six was my favorite one. So many times I’d hear about how wonderful my cousins were. After a few times I’d start answering, “I know! Right? But that was just Uncle and aunties superb parenting skills. They’re literally the perfect parents. What kid wouldn’t shine like a star with parents like that. They’re amazing!” I did that to her like three times whenever she’d start. Until one day she blew up and yelled that why was I acting like she was a bad parent. I looked at her like she was nuts. “We’re talking about my cousins! What on Earth do you mean?” The thing with me is that I can mirror people and lots of times they don’t like what they see.
lol your answer ist great 👏
Exactly !
😅😅😅😅😅u got skills!!
Good!! 💚💯
That's hilarious wish I could do that 🤣.
My mum turned against me when I was 14 and began to bully me and psychologically abused me. My past mistakes were used against me, she was a catalyst for my self harm and eating disorder and made me feel totally worthless. She’s also compared me to my friends and nearly ended my friendship with my best friend by manipulating him.
My doctor cared about me more and gives me more validation than my mum ever did.
I’m really sad that so many people have commented about their experiences with their mothers and just know you all didn’t deserve that growing up.
My mom is absolutely toxic and always has been. I grew up KNOWING I wasn’t her favorite, but older brother was. She was CONSTANTLY comparing me to everyone’s child and asking why I couldn’t be better or do better. I always got excellent grades in school and had a knack for learning about the human body so I wanted to become a nurse. She always put me down.
My mom has told me some of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard anyone say to anyone. She and my dad almost lost me during pregnancy due to my brother falling and breaking his arm. He got surgery and while at the hospital my mom got sick and could get meds to get better but they would supposedly kill me. She told me how I was nothing to her and how she and my dad were just going to have another baby. She also told me about a classmate of mine who’s mom was a teacher (my mom has always thought that being a teacher is the best possible profession in the world) was so helpful to her mom and how she wished that girl was her daughter and not me. She wanted to marry me off to people I didn’t know as a teenager because she wanted to be a grandmother young. I kept telling her and her friends (yes her friends because she would make me be the bad guy in this situation) that I wanted to go to school and get an education and they all scolded her.
I started getting sick as a teen and now I live with multiple chronic illnesses that affect my digestive system and everyday life. When I lived with my mom she would disregard my food allergies and I would almost die from things she snuck into the food because “I’m just a picky eater and I’m dramatic and exaggerate everything. She would accuse me of creating my medical conditions for attention even though I have proof. She’s not understanding and tells me I’m full of shit and everything I say is crap. She’s been the least supportive ever since I got sick and she realized it was more than likely her fault when she took those medications while pregnant with me.
Now I’m married to my wonderful husband who knows how toxic my mom (and brother, thanks to my mom spoiling him and encouraging him to be mean to me) are. He has supported me and told me how loved I am and how despite my mom saying my life is a waste and has no value he loves having me here. We can’t wait to have a baby and my mom told me she didn’t have a baby shower so she’s not throwing me one. Too bad for her I have a wonderful mother in law and 3 sisters in law (not to mention my best friend and her mom) who have all offered to throw me a baby shower when the time comes. There are so many more things to say but I’ll leave it at that.
To anyone reading thanks for making it to the end. I’m sorry you had a toxic mom and honestly in a way I’m grateful I did because it’s shown me what type of mom to NOT be with my kids in the future. My mom and I will talk from time to time, but she’ll never get my kids for a weekend or whole summer. She’ll never babysit my kids. She’s only allowed to be around the kids when myself or my husband is with them. Should she EVER step out of line and I’ll completely cut her out of my life. She can say whatever about me, but she damn well never say anything about my future kids.
My mother has said all 8 phrases from this video. I'm glad two of my professors saw that I needed therapy and although I was extremely reluctant, I'm glad I went on and got. I'm still trying to get through college but I'm glad I was pushed to get help.
Going through college with an abusive mother is difficult. I'm 2 months from graduating. I am currently living with my mom for the first time since I was 14. Since moving in she has physically hit me, said all these things in the video, and more like " You're fat. You're a lazy bum. You don't take care of your animals." I have been seeing a therapist too and it helps I think. Having someone to vent to helps. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're worthy of true love, happiness, etc. You're beautiful. You're smart. You will be a great parent to your children.
Stay confident! That's the way to conquer most problems! Or at least that's what I think.
But hopefully you all understand that you deserve love all the same
Same, But Therapy what's that?
@@justalpha9138 yeah stay confident and answer back once you are an adult they practically can only influence you but other then that you can make your own steps
My mom was a classic toxic mom, she was great at making me feel worthless. It took years of therapy for me to learn that she was the one with the problem, I was just her target.
:( y’all I’m so sorry that happened, I had to get therapy too and ,y mom was part of the reason. There were more but my mom definitely played a part in it
My grandpa used to say dont u have ant hobbies to do all u do is play those dinosaurs all over and over again , it depressed me really hard
I can relate. Thing is, when you grow up and be successful in your life and she needs you that karma bites back nasty. I have developed and grown as a person. She hasn't.
"Been there, ENDURED that"
Yep, same story here! Glad therapy helped you out. I imagine it was a lot of work, but you came out on the other side as a strong surviver. I pray my therapy that I started today can do the same for me.
“Did you relate to these points”
Absolutely! Thank you for uploading this. It’s provided more clarity into why I’m so depressed and have no self confidence. 😞
My mom hated me. I always knew it. She told me daily how much she wanted to kill me, how she never wanted me, how much she hates looking at me. I spent a few years (maybe 8-10) making her breakfast in bed on the weekends to get her to even notice that I’m actually nice and kind. I saw it on a kids tv show and tried it. It made her hate me more, I found out. Left home at 16 going full no contact. She tried to run me over with her truck when I was about 20. Somehow she found me. Once she got my phone number and called me. I was maybe 18? I’ve always felt hunted by her. Still now and Im 44. I still look over my shoulder, assuming she’ll show up at my door with a gun. She always said she would “love to just kill me”.
She somehow got my email address a few months ago. Saying she’s dying and if I wanted my baby pictures and if I don’t respond to her she’ll throw them in the trash. I never responded.
I can’t wait for her to die. Finally, the most terrifying person I’ve ever met will finally stop hunting me down. Finally I think I could breathe? Who knows. I Google her obituary sometimes. No luck.
christ dude, i hope you find your peace.
One of the most toxic thing is to require perfection all the time. Rather than seeing everything your child does as wonderful, the mother only sees everything they do as inadequate and not good enough.
I understand everything you’re going through❗️❗️ th-cam.com/video/_GL8Y7AKb9k/w-d-xo.html 🖤❗️🙇🏽♂️
People above 30 can't change unless over years so the only thing we can all do is make strategies to deal with it.
Which is empowering because it frees us from chasing a lost cause.
Accept the good parts, skirt around the bad parts, search for ways to deal with our emotions themselves rather than the parent if needed.
yeah definitely had the "perfection" thing impressed upon me my entire life. For example, my favorite thing in life is to just play basketball. My mom expected all A's, as we were "very smart kids", so a B+ was bad. I had an 88 in Geometry in 8th grade...my mom grounded me from basketball for a year...it was literally my favorite thing in the world...she took my stress reliever my escape for an 88 overall grade in Geometry.
Wow!!! Same!
I got today diagnosis for C-PTSD and couldn't tell my parents. They caused it by neglecting me and probably have still no idea that they failed raising me.
Yes same! I’m sure they have a lot of past trauma that they are not getting help for. It’s important that you get the healing. ❤️
I relate so hard to almost all of this. I cut my mom off completely two years ago. She called me a "selfish little shit" for doing so (not "thanks for helping me out for those 40+ years"). It actually turned out to be helpful because when I feel selfish for seeing to my needs now, I know it's just my toxic mom's stuff making me feel that way. I wish everyone in the comment section a happy, healthy and healed future! ❤❤❤
My mother never tries to win when we have an argument. She always tries to make the other person wrong.
I love this so much. There’s a lot of shame in having a toxic mother and speaking out against her. We’re supposed to honor our mother and father right. But they should honor us too.
I have thought long and hard about this. You can honor them from a distance and simply for the fact they gave you life. You don't have to extol their virtues or even call out their bad behaviors (unless those are criminal or dangerous). It means doing right by them if they are in great need in their last days. Your mother suffered birth pangs having you, you ease the pangs of death when it's her time. It took me 46 years to work thru all the issues after my mother died but I couldn't have done it if I had held resentment and unforgiveness in my heart. Holding her in my arms and forgiving her as she took her last breath got me thru. FORGIVENESS IS TO HEAL THE VICTIMS, NOT THE PERPS.
You're sort of right about them honoring us too. It's not honor but the same Bible that commands us to honor them tells them not to vex us, the children.
Ephesians 6:4 "Father's, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the wisdom of training of The Lord." I wish more Christians paid attention to this verse.
Sometimes a person has to go no- contact, to preserve their sanity. As for honoring parents, we are required to make sure that their needs for food, housing,etc.are met. That can be done long distance,using the state. In- home services,for example. We don't have to be there.
@@kendabrand3520 Oh ! That's for sure !
@@jeupelissa751 Totally agree.
My mom was very toxic and I still love her dearly. I look back and can’t believe she was able to raise 5 children and keep them alive, considering the environment she came from. She was raised in a home so unbelievably abusive that she has stories of being burned, being left alone for so long that she and her siblings would resort to eating dog food, and not even knowing what a toothbrush was until she was in high school and teased for her yellow teeth. The also had to be raised by foster parents after running away in high school. Some of her siblings ended up in prison. She did the best she could with what little she had, and I understand that now. I also understand that she was not good at being a parent and as a result I have many issues myself that I’ve had to work through with a therapist. As much as I love children, I had to make the decision not to have any because of the way my upbringing has caused limitations in my ability to be selfless and patient the way children need. You can recognize the limitations of your parents and be honest with how that has affected you, and still love them. And I wish more people who don’t have the capacity to raise children would stop having them.
Great comment! It's really good too be able to emphasise with what your mum went through as a child herself (which sounds horrific), reconise what was her 'toxic' parenting but totally understanding why she behaved the way she did, yet also seeing her strong points etc. Toxic parenting carries on through each generation if it isn't recognised and worked on. You're amazing to have broken the cycle and have obviously worked so hard to understand all the trauma you, your siblings and your Mum went through. I actually think you would be brilliant as a parent because of your understanding but totally respect your decision to not want to parent. I'm not in touch with my birth Mum anymore but my childhood experiences have given me the ability to parent my amazing daughter and awesome step-daughter with tons of love, compassion and encouragement. I rarely use anger or never use toxic words because of travelling a similar journey to you in understanding what is toxic parenting etc and how it affects children. I guess what I'm trying to say is... See how your life goes. Your ability to understand your upbringing is brilliant. And see where that leads you, whether it may be career in supporting and helping others or possibly.... becoming a parent one day. The best parents are the ones who can see the whole picture not just their own needs and have compassion from their own experiences. That definitely sounds like you. I'm sure people may disagree with me or this comment may seem too forward to you. However, your comment really struck a chord with me... I wish you the best in all that you do. Much Love & Light ❤️ to you Pixie, you awesome person... (edited for terrible spelling 😊)
Trust me, my family abuse ends with me. I shall never bring a child into this world!
I respect you for your decision to not have children given the reasons you listed. Both of my parents were abusive but most of the generational trauma came from my mother’s side. I know my parents loved my siblings and I did the best they could do with what they knew to do. But their best wasn’t good enough. My sister wishes she didn’t have children so young and for the wrong reasons. She was selfish and very impatient. Basically the way our mother was with us.
Thank you for sharing this. You have given me great food for thought in the difficulties my daughter is expressing at times about myself. I’m 53 and my elders is nearing 21. I never wanted children, because of my own childhood. I expressed very early on in life that there really should be a test people need to pass first before being allowed to conceive... very controlling wish I know, but from a place of knowing what it’s like to be raised in a family that doesn’t know how to love or let a child be. However, many many years later with a career developing I fell in love and felt loved. We got engaged but then a year in and I started thinking this isn’t right he doesn’t love me. Just as I’d all but made my decision to end it I discovered I was pregnant. It could be that the timing being so near losing the only person I felt loved by as a child, my nana, swayed my decision to not give up just yet, that this child was a gift and could not should not be thrown away. I’m by no means a pro life nut, I believe every woman has the right to choose for herself. I chose to become a mother. I divorced her dad when she was just aged 3. Time has shown he was incapable of loving a n other, even his own child. I have 3 girls and I have done things better as I have learned through reading, self reflection. I made mistakes I wouldn’t make today with my eldest. This is what I’ve just realised today as I thought on your words. I owe my daughter an apology and I think a letter will do that best, carefully worded. She still lives with us so I could talk to her but finding that right moment and not messing it up is too risky I think... I could likely trigger a memory of being let down by me and I don’t think it’s right to do that face to face... then again, am I right in thinking a letter would be any better... I’m not sure now, but either way, thank you, for helping me see where I failed her & beginning to understand why she has issues with me sometimes. Respectfully H
This is why I don't have kids
My mom told me "Wish I had another child, so that I could abandon you" This hurts core to my heart 💔.
I relate a lot to this video, I even started crying. Thank you so much for making it.
I have a son, he is 4 years. I didn't realize before watching this video that these sentences could be toxic to a child. Thanks for the video ☺️
Pay attention to the intent and context of these words.
Sometimes we say things worhout even thinking that this will maybe hurt someone
Hello, check out this awesome book "Love and Logic"... also Parents magazine and search articles with many more seemingly small things parents say to help think what they might hear 1st.
Take into account, also, that the nutritional
needs of males are very different from
those of females, which is usually not taken
into account by dietitians & nutritionists,
most of whom are female. You can read
more about this in a very surprising book,
"Why Men Don't Iron" by Anne & Bill Moir.
The documentary film "The Red Pill"
is even more surprising, especially
if you're not familiar with the word "misandry".
With any luck, your relationship
with your son may end up being very healthy.
As for me, I wish my mother
had never had children at all.
@T J Keep trying to DEMAND respect & love when you should be TEACHING it by giving it first! You don't command respect and love, you EARN it!!
Thank you infinitely for this video. I'm 52 years old, and my mom died on Christmas day, 2022. I loved her. I was emotionally and physically abused by her during my childhood, and as I grew up, the physical abuse stopped but the emotional abuse continued. I know she did the best she knew how to do. She herself had a difficult upbringing and life. That said, I finally have peace now that she's gone. I'm not happy that she died. I am happy to be free. God bless you Mama, and I pray you are in a place of peace and total love, without pain or manipulation. I love you.
I'm glad for you and sorry at the same time. Prayers for you and for the repose of your Mama's soul. It's good and healthy for you to be able to understand and forgive. God bless you.
Well then, thank god your mom wasn't as terrible as Jeanette McCurdy's mom if you loved her so much.
I have understood my father too and found a way to forgive his mistakes and neglect, his selfishness and immaturity. He is also in reposs and I want to say to him:
Daddy be happy where you are. We are cool now Daddy. I think of you and understand you better. I was your child and in a sense I still am and will always be, yes. It is ok if you didn't know better because even though I had a bigger reason to be wrong since being your child I was younger, I regret my mistakes too Daddy.
Be happy where you are.
Your son, Romi.
Watch Dr phil you might have married the same person and continue the trend. Since as you said you love her so there this very unhealthy attachment you look to Your mum.
This happen unconsciously so born in unhealthy family will be likely to pass on unhealthy traits.
😟😞😞😟😟😢😭
@@Sherlock245 I completely agree with you. I was abused by my mother growing up, and she is the last person I want to be like. I won't say I hate her, but I am much happier being away from her.
I have clicked on this more then once and Idk why but I always feel like i make up my own drama about my mother when others agree
i remember one day i came home crying because i felt like i was being replaced in my friend group. my mom told me i complain too much.
other times she’ll tell me i’m reading too much into things or act like she knows my friends better than i do.
she’ll also tell me “use your own bathroom if you want privacy” and when i use my own bathroom, she doesn’t give me privacy at all. i’ll say “don’t come in” and she’ll say “why? Are you hiding something?” in an accusing tone and come in.
when i tell her “you said i could have privacy” she says “this is my house. my bathroom.”
Here’s one that hurts. “You destroy everything that you touch.” 😔
Yes my mom also says that but it's true for me
Or "I only visit/call you cus i want to see/hear my grandchild"
@@ericabacklund4037 I hear you! It really hurts. 😿 For quite a few years anytime I came over without bringing my kid with me, my parents (both!) would smile and say, "why'd you even bother to come over?" They thought it was a funny joke. After a few of years of this I finally told them how hurtful it was and my dad stopped instantly. Mom just found other ways to word it. My dad knows how respect others; my mom thinks respect is a one-way street.
These videos help because it lets me know that she is the broken one, not me! Be strong!
I wish we could stop coddling these mothers who are "too sensitive" themselves to hear the truth that their unresolved trauma is harming their child(ren) but boy will they attack if you even insinuate that they're possibly even a little toxic
This is exactly my sister. She makes her son cry (my nephew) and tells him he's being too sensitive or "throwing tantrums." But if I say something to her about it, she'll pop off on me and tell me that I'm not a mother (no I'm not. I don't want a kid. Not yet. I don't want to bring a child into the world when I'm struggling myself). She says she's the mom. She's going to parent how she wants to parent. Smh. She's toxic to everyone and wants to start drama with everyone
@@FairyKit Gosh I'm sorry for all involved, sounds like she needs help. Describes a friend of mine and my own late mother, how similar they act. I hope she gets the help she needs for herself, her son and everyone around her, because it sounds like a negative situation. I will keep you all in my prayers 🙏
I am with you there... I know I have inherited toxic behaviors from my mom and with my son I really struggle sometimes to break those reactions instilled in me. But I work on it every day and I hope that one day he will understand, no matter whether he forgives me or not.
Toxic people aren’t capable of self awareness and vulnerability…or they wouldn’t be toxic in the first place
THIS IS MY MOM! When we call her our for things or even when SHES calling US out, one way or another, she'll somehow bring up her terrible toxic childhood that technically never existed since she had to pretty much be the second parent and blah blah blah. Like.. we get it! No more sob story, your mother ain't here to hurt you anymore! Plz move on and stop thinking about the past! Your hurting us now, because of it! And possibly even our futures if you keep this up!
I can TOTALLY relate! "I carried you for 9 months", I was initially thinking in response to your comment that it wasn't my choice that sure, but my mother never actually said the carrying for 9 months thing, rather when I once asked her why she hated me so much, kinda hoping she would say she didn't & loved me, she said "well you started it! You kicked me half to death before you were even born, I'm just returning the favour", so my thinking is, yes, she chose to have a child, but she didn't choose to have ME & didn't want a child like ME, probably wouldn't have become pregnant if she knew it was going to be ME she got out of it.
That kinda goes to the later point on the gaslighting & not having the experience to know how to respond to it, doesn't it. I was conditioned from as young as I can remember to believe that I was the problem, not her, that she was trying, but I was a "problem child" & yes, too sensitive, not worth bothering with but in need of having my responsibilities as a child reinforced to me, since I rebelled against that, cause it was obvious it was not fair & I knew I wasn't loved but didn't have a clue how I was supposed to respond to that.
& yes, it did lead to a total breakdown of the relationship, don't know if she's even still alive today, she's getting on in years, so can't have that many more left if she is still alive, it was her choice to reject me though, I just made the choice to get out of the toxic space & actually care for myself - a choice I've never regretted & never will
My mother had three children while I was a teenager (my childhood was filled with literal cancer and two strokes) and when I talked about how I felt neglected, she was like "lots of kids have siblings; stop feeling abandoned"...oh, also she admitted to me that the middle child was her favorite. Felt very little love as the oldest.
As the eldest child (with a adhd sister who was a handful into her university days and a father who passed away at 38) I feel for you 💔
I was just expected to be "the 3rd parent" since my sister came along.......
Left school because mum said "irs too expensive and it's not like guys do anything but screw at university"
Got kicked out while I was at work (15-16 hour shifts 6 days a week) AND then has had the audacity for the last 20 years of stalking me down 😂
I'm now a week out from my 36th birthday and have a lovely house, afew Post Grad medical degrees and a wife who was the person who has helped me go from on the street terrified to the "perfect partner " to me
My mother would tell me she “ruined her body for me” by going through pregnancy and having a c-section, while simultaneously telling me I was the best she could ask for. Sometimes your mother may use back and forth tactics to make part of you think she does love and respect you and treat you well; but, some actions and words do not get to be undone and replaced by others. If there is no apology and atonement, then please know that is gaslighting to keep you staying in the abuse.
Mine has said the same.
@@kaylaquebec7077 I’m sorry to hear that ❤️🩹
Mine said the same and would show me her naked body.
Found out from the horse’s mouth that it wasn’t me, it was a sibling. Also, she hasn’t exercised in 3-4 decades.
@@LunaofChaos It’s just a tool of manipulation. To try to make us feel like we owe them. But we can’t ask to be born, that is their choice and theirs alone to make. If they don’t want to deal with bodily changes, they can abstain from pregnancy or even safely terminate. But they’d rather project their insecurities onto their children when they apparently didn’t want us that badly in the first place.
My mother would tell me I ruined her body as well , always after looking me up and down and sneering at me this made me more insecure about my body as a teenager .
i love all the kids' film references bc there's really more parent toxicity in kids' films than we think (especially mothers)
Oh yeah.
I understand everything you’re going through❗️❗️ th-cam.com/video/_GL8Y7AKb9k/w-d-xo.html 🖤❗️
There’s mother dearest or those dumb mothers singing mother knows best is an ego trip and the other is a dramatization.
Once my dad was saying that he knows best, and as a joke me and my little sisters said “bUt doEsn’T mOtHer kNow bEst”. Again we said it in a joking way, laughing as we said it. But my dad flipped out saying “NO! THATS WHAT THE WORLD WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE! ITS FATHER KNOWS BEST!”. So I can see were your coming from.
Every single thing listed here... Like omg I'm literally crying right now..... Thank you for this information....
I've since realised that this description perfectly fits my own mother, every single point. Even before this video I've grown to recognise how she will use things to emotionally manipulate me and for the entirety of my life so far it's been this way.
I intend to leech from her for a while before completely cutting off from her. I've done everything I can to get her to change including sending her videos like this which could put her actions into perspective but she never watches any of the videos I send.
All I can do is prepare myself for complete independence.
I can’t wait to treat my children with the same respect and acknowledgment of their feelings like you would in any relationship. #Gentleparenting
I believe we have someone with skills they are abusing. Like I was told yesterday. A person with a skill set like that, can do some real damage. The authorities DO take people capable of mass destruction very seriously.
The information given to me recently in a private message on Facebook … FALSE. Along with your many profiles.
Do you have a designer suitcase to keep all those names in? Who bought it, if so? Little red notebook .. the legal say is generous enough to agree to that purchase. Maybe. Maybe not. Thanks for the abundant amount of negotiation room you have blessed me with. My sincere gratitude … all you sis! 💝🛍🍪😇
Oh, and I like that hashtag. Is that what they’re called? I’m called a “you know what” because I call out “utter hogwash” and takes names. Very gentle of you. ;)
Same here. It's my dream to become a dad someday due to my dad not really being there for me and my family due to his involvement in Afghanistan.
As I was victimised by this I always wanted to be a gentle parent and I love kids.
Awesome! Check out "Love and Logic"
I'm just realizing at 49 years old where all my issues come from. Its heartbreaking now that I do know and my mother is text book vulnerable narcassist. I called her out on some of the things she has done and now she has everyone convinced I'm a crazy lazy angry person that owes her everything and does nothing for her. It is amazing how she gets people to jump on the bandwagon with her. People I've never met hate me. She says what am I worried about what others think she never cared what people think. Its her vicious lies that made these people think this way wtf
I relate to this so much. I've had random friends of hers ask me "why don't you talk to your mother, she's the only one you've got" trying to guilt trip me and shame me. They don't understand how horrible she was to me.
Those folks aren’t for you. The enemy can’t hurt you when you know where they coming from.
Trust me u not alone my mom specializes in Toxicology101 who calls the children family services and tell lies on their on child to be despiteful.. my mom did that to my. Brother and want to play stupid why she cant talk to her grandchildren.. i h8te my mom so much ....
Exactly like my mom. Her side of the family did not see me much growing up and they think strange/false things because of what they’ve been told, like I’m some bad criminal and loser druggie. Literally smoked pot a few times in high school and got caught, and these distance family memebers can only think of that about me. Crazy. My father side of the family thinks so so highly of me. Like I feel like I climbed Mt. Everest because they generally like and love me so much. It’s so strange to see the drastic difference from my moms family. All based off what someone has said.
I have the mother who attempts suicide if she doesn't get her way. I'm 50 years old! I wouldn't divorce my husband, who isn't toxic, so bring on the suicide attempt.
Just two minutes into the video and I was already a crying mess!
Growing up I remember how my mother used to be my ultimate support system in every competitions and my dance practices... I just needed her. I had once had a opportunity to work in one of the short films as the lead role, obviously me being me I needed my mum there but she was busy somewhere else later after a few rehearsal shoots of around a month I figured out she had an affair with the director.. Thats just shattered me... I thought it was my mistake if I hadn't had this opportunity my mum would be with me.. I broke off that contract. Left my dance classes. I thought this would make my mom "normal" again
In my 7th grade I found she had an affair with some one at the time.. That uncle lived nearby us... I caught them lying... I was the one silently observing this without even uttering a word.
Later on I found out she had an affair with some other guy... I was in the 8th grade by that time.. This continued till my 11th grade.. It was raining heavily and she was home early from work
I unlocked her phone idk why I found out very sneaky shitty photos of her and the guy and I decided if transfer it to my phone first
I confronted it to her the same day.
MY life has not been the same since that day.
Constant fights, her toxic behaviour... Never once she has treated me like her own daughter.
Being a science student, an infant is born with such miraculous crossovers and process... Some parents just provide unconditional love to their children.
I hope I don't repeat the process. I hope I'd break generational trauma. I can't imagine my life if my child would act like the way I act towards my mother. A child and the mother should never have the love and hatred relationship. Their bond is pure and connected not just for those nine months but for the eternity.
When I look back at some of out pictures I feel pity for the girl in the picture as the constant nagging and self doubt she had to go through as a child. No child deserves such attitude.
Please✨ heal✨ before conceiving. Do not depend on the child to fix the problem adults should.
You described my mother in every way.
People need to understand that a child must suffer a lot to actually stop allowing their mother to stop abusing them. It takes a lot of strength and having your own mother to be your first bully or even first abuser is one of the most horrible feelings ever.
That’s so very true. Battling with the guilt of having negative thoughts towards mine.
@@mariaridler1831 I‘m so sorry🥺. Stay strong! I am sure that you will find your peace one way or the other.
@@mariaridler1831 That's the hidden battle that I've never seen acknowledged. The guilt we feel about our feelings about the way she treated and/or treats us. We're still being massively gaslighted by society to be unconditionally grateful and obedient, and any negative feelings toward your mother, absolutely regardless of how much pain she inflicted on you, are wrong, and you're only feeling them because you're ungrateful and selfish. Well, Maria, I encourage you to face those feelings, because they won't turn into candy in your pocket, they'll only fester and turn into all kinds of mental and physical ailments if you don't address them openly and heal from them naturally. (Obviously with help from a therapist or someone else you trust, or by yourself - I know we all learned pretty early to be careful who we share things with.)
I firmly believe that's a major reason why some kids are bullied at school. If you're being picked on at home by parents and/or siblings, other kids can smell it off you, and know you're victim material. They also know it's not likely anyone in your home will stand up for you.
My mom has said all these things to me and it took me so long to realize how toxic and manipulative these things are : (
It really hurts me to see many Children go through this from the person who was meant to love and support them. A Mother.
Crazy timing ! She called me just before watching this too & now presently bawling my eyes out 😭😭
Honestly my entire family operates on: "I'm the adult, and you're the child, so you will listen to me and do what I say"
Typically things like respect as an individual are only truly granted in my family once you move out and start paying your own bills, then the entire family distances themselves from you until you feel like a stranger. So I have a future of pure loneliness ahead of me.
It's exactly the same for me....
You can still find friends. Lots n lots of dysfunctional families one cannot rely on.. you're already loensome when they don't respect you for you.
And the moment you achieve success? They are back and suddenly care for you
@@cross977 actually, no. They're back yes, but they don't care. They just want to suck up the success as their own
Same situation therefore you are not alone.
I grew up verbally abused by my mother and what came from it was social anxiety.
Facts try Corey Wayne’s book if your a dude
No sense of self worth.
It was only a few months ago when I started living on my own. And my relationship with my mother was one of the foremost reasons. Putting words in my mouth, 'carried for 9 months', calling me sensitive. It was only last year when I was 23 when I started to realise being near her actively made me feel like shit. Even now that I am moved out there have been occasions where she's being manipulative. Even commenting on how my hairstyle doesn't "match" with my friends' in an attempt to have me visit the barber. I've found a lot of comfort with my friends and some family members. There's still a hold she's got over me psychologically, but I'm learning to go against it, and I'm in a much better place now.
Your comment really hit home "activly made me feel like shit" every time I visit or speak on the phone with her, this is how I feel afterwards. I'm glad you have friends and family for support. You sound like a very level headed and intelligent person. Be proud of yourself, took me 50 years to work it out. ✌💕
My mother started sneaking up behind me and whispering "I hate you" when I was maybe in 4th or 5th grade, and always showed me a place that I was going to go to live, it was a place for "bad girls". She not only told me how ugly I was, but that I was also stupid. She was always counting down the days and hours to when she could get rid of me, and told me this almost daily. On my 18th birthday I came home after work and she had paper bags packed by the living room door, and I said what's this? Her remark was your stuff, you're leaving. This tore my heart apart especially when she demanded that I help her and seeing how much she loved my younger sister whom she spoiled terribly. My mother is gone now and has been for about 6 years, I have to admit it was a relief. I tried to please her most my life even up to the day she died. Sometimes you just can't get a mother's love no matter how hard you try.
I finally stumped my mother on the “I carried you nine months!” manipulation. I looked her in the eye and said, “Sometimes I really rather you hadn’t.” She wasn’t expecting that and it left her truly gob-smacked that I wasn’t all about bobbing down to kiss her feet because she made a choice I had no part in. I was more a tool than anything to her and I was made painfully aware at the age of six that her needs came before mine.
🙌🙌🙌🙌👏👏👏👏👏
bro has not seen the worst of it
The love of a mother is something that everyone is entitled to. I hope that everyone who has been through anything similar recovers quickly and returns to loving their children the way they have been missing them.
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Because of my mom and even her Mom, I chose not to have kids... terrified that I would become them. I do love my friends kids very much though.
@@Elysiumsw That is wise, and more people SHOULD take this road. I did,and I'm glad I made that decision. Genetic diseases is another reason, on my part .
@@jeupelissa751 I agree more people should do it. Being blamed every day for being born isn't a fun feeling. It always made me wonder. My Mother is easily able to see her own Mom as toxic, but she can't see the same qualities in herself.
A lot of these are actually done by my father, while my mother acts as an enabler and tries to smother my emotions and ability to express myself openly. Thankfully I am smart enough to have grown up slowly learning how to recognize and understand these forms of toxicity and abuse, and I am aware now of not only what is going on, but why as well. At least I am able to understand despite being young, which is painful to be aware of, but also helpful seeing as I am able to recognize the signs of it, and avoid letting my mind be changed by them, I don't let them manipulate me a best as I can, and try to stop/put an end to any form of negative things they do which I have started to take on, as I never want to be like them. I would be scared to have a child, even if I did want one, due to the fact that I would worry constantly about carrying on the abusive and toxic traits my parents have onto them. I never want any other child to be hurt or go through what I have. I just can't wait until I can move out so I can truly be free and express myself for who I am.
All the comments, this is soothing me that it's ok to talk about parents. But even my friends don't understand when I share this and just tell me "mother always loves the child" I m tired of hearing this
It's unsettling to know that my mother has done all of these at least once. She's there to help me, as my parent, but it's never really worked that way. Everyone deserves a loving and caring mother. Nobody deserves any of this.
I feel for you, remember it's ok to cry, to feel mad at someone even the closest. Just don't invalidate your feelings. They matter, they're real
Yeah, I can relate