8 Phrases to Shut Down Narcissists/Toxic People
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8 Phrases to Shut Down Narcissists Toxic People
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Narcissists love to suck you into a drama battle. Sometimes they fool you into thinking if you just say the right thing, explain the right way ...you will get through. When the truth is, no matter how well you explain, no matter how much evidence you present - the narcissist will refuse to let it penetrate their thinking. The reason is because, when toxic people argue, they are not looking for peace, or an explanation, or even a resolution - they argue....to argue, to get drama, to see you react. Once you understand this you can begin starving their thirst for drama from you and these phrases are huge!!! Let me know if YOU have used any of these and if so, how did it go?? Remember though, these phrases are not to help the narcissist, nor to make the narcissist happy - they are to empower YOU, to help you feel grounded, centered so that you can respond like YOU and not react how the narcissist taught you to react. Sending peace and good vibes =)
I tried some of these phrases....they don't like it at all and get nervous because they feel they don't have any grip on you. So the stress moves from you to them 😉 Sometimes I tried to close the conversations saying "that's your opinion/ your interpretation" or "I feel comfortable in this way" , "Nobody is perfect", "mm mm..hum..", "absolutely", "thank you, but don't worry about me", "it depends", "I have the right to think in this way", "I have a different opinion", "I can tell you YES, if that's what you want to hear"... 😁 Thank you for this video Michele 🌻
I have used the "you have a right to your opinion" one a few times recently. Amazingly, it almost immediately stops THAT battle. You're right. I am not here to entertain them. I have also used " I'm so sorry you're bored, but I am not and I have things to do. That one really throws them off, which is my goal instead of getting reeled in
@@princessncg1 they always arrive with that bored face and you think "clouds are arriving!!"... 😪😪
When you respond in the ways Michelle conveyed to us in her video, the Cluster B/narcissistic person eventually goes elsewhere for their narcissistic supply. You are no longer the dumping ground for the narcissist's interactive pathology, but likely somebody else is.
Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏 ♥️ 🙏 Michelle 🙏❤️🙏
Thank you 💖🥀🌈🙏
A wise person once told me that No is a complete sentence.
And so is yes.
Love that
And so is maybe.
Brilliant!
@@thirdeye9106 NO often leads to the end of the conversation, when Maybe leaves it open to more hoovering.
We lost someone who used us, they lost someone who loved them, we are always the winner, “leave them”.
they are always losers at the end but unfortunately they don't get it,they think they always win if you do not love them anymore ..weird but true
You loved the idea of them...because they don't really exist like you and me. They come as an archetype,that's why most victims come out of these relationships with very similar experiences!
Well said.
Brilliantly said
Wow powerful
Someone once told me “stop arguing with a crazy person”.
"They'll pull you down to their level of stupid and beat you with experience."
Its why I stopped argumenting with myself
They also lack compassion. They never forgive; they take a mistake or a misunderstanding and turn it into the unforgivable sin. I have personally experienced that.
Robin Andrews omg yes
Not only do they not forgive, they don't ask to be forgiven because they see no wrong in their actions
@@timtheenchanter2062 true words. Mine said he thinks turning from Jekyll to Hyde is normal and acceptable while wishing me luck trying to find a guy not like that. Ugh.
Unfortunately the Jekyll to hyde way of life is how a lot of men are. They find it convenient to be able to flip like that. It's just emotionally and spiritually immature
Robin Andrews I just experienced this literally.
First mistake is trying to have a conversation with the narcissist.
Yes. You have to cut them out completely. It's a disease. They are in total denial of who they really are. They lie to them selves ecery minute of every day. I recently cut my brother thus my nieces n nephews completely out of my life. It just had to be that way. He's given me no choice. No contact what so ever. No
Kev H, yes. These creatures are not human. A conversation with a 3 year old would be more productive and enlightening.
when you figure out that word and what it means it will be to late
Yeah. It’s best to avoid them. Even if they are family. Don’t believe me? Try it and see how much your life changes for the better.
They are the embodiment of pure evil. I live with one and I'm suffocating.
"You don't need their stamp of approval to hold onto your Reality".
I like that.
That's right we stick by our own moral and social standards don't need theirs!
Facts I loved that statement. Powerful
Even better is " I'm sorry you choose to feel that way".
Most narcissists are also sociopaths and don't care about no one but themselves. So the best way I learned was to tell them I don't care how you feel and just stop your lies and games!
That's a textbook response, literally. That's what we tell everyone to say as a counselor. "You're wrong, but I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you feel that, but you're wrong. I like your variation though. With the word "choose". I like it.
Good one!
Thats a great one, especially the word "choose".
I’ve used “I hear you” and “You’re allowed to feel that way and I respect that”. Works beautifully.
Yayyyyy!
Going to try this!
1- "You're allowed to feel that way."
2- "Thank you for letting me know how you feel."
3- "Well, I just wanted you to know how I feel."
4- "I hear you."
5- "Thank you for expressing your view point."
6- "I'm sorry you feel that way."
7- "I agree to disagree."
8- "I choose to view things differently."
Thank You!!! It doesn't take 8 minutes to say that. Sometimes. I wished they'd just get to the point
@@brandonmorgan4826 lol ikr!
I guess the purpose is to explain the effect the phrases have.
These statements will only escalate matters
@@jeremyariche4332 some of them do forvsure
Be respectful, narcissists hate that. You can always tell when a narcissist is mad because they will always start with personal attacks. That's what I have come to learn over time.
Respect a narcissist at you peril, reverse psychology, could backfire in this case🤔👌
Yup!
there are diffrent typs of narcissists so not all of them do this, but toxic people, absolutly.
I have narcissistic tendencies myself and my favorit thing to do is when people get to invested into something complietly pointless and over personalise a state of different oppinions as a conflict . . . . is staying calm, respectful, turning there argumentation against them, point out where there argued against there own point, uninvested mocking, letting them run in circles around me getting meaner and meaner while I just can't take them serious at all . . . . it is a combination of feeling grandious and beeing educative, while having the trill of conflict without beeing the aggressor nor in a place to get hurt or get scolded for cause my words where not half as bad as the other persons . . .
They hate anything and everything, they just want arguing and drama! They live such miserable lives it's pathetic! lol
Serena Odonata you sound like a covert narc possibly.No hate, just saying.
With the narcissist it is always blame shifting. Everything will be your fault in the end even though it was never your fault to begin with.
Debra Wilson so so true
My narcissistic parent actually tried to blame me for causing the Chengdu earthquake, May 12, 2008. I'm not kidding. She asked "Do you know why that earthquake happened?" "It's because you're socially irresponsible!"
Debra Wilson in a way I just accept it IS my fault (then cut them away, my fault was trying to keep that 'friend') lol
Sounds like the everyday woman
It's never our fault they do what they do, but it is our problem.
1)The huge mistake is trying to have a "conversation "with the narcissist.2) You have to cut them out completely. It's a disease.3) A conversation with a 5 year old would be more productive and enlightening.
4) Peace at last....:)
My female boss is a narcissist. I have to work with her every day. And it’s hell. They take over every aspect of life of everyone who’s around them.
Tatiana GMY sometimes you have to talk to them
@@Powergirl143 bro my mom is I gotta move out im going crazy
Huge mistake is also thinking u can have a healthy argument with a narc. U can never win with a narc in a arguement.🤦♂️
@@Copilot1204 Did you move out? How are things?
"You don't need their stamp of approval to hold onto your reality"
Nature & City Channel so so true
Nature & City Channel big faccts
You don't need their stamp of approval to hold onto reality...and YOUR sanity.
The primary aim that a narcissist has in a conversation is to get you on the defence so you feel you have to explain yourself. First step in rising above these people is to stop caring what they think.
Carla so so true. I mean what good advice even if the person isn’t a narcicist. ♥️
true!
Absolutely. You NEED to disconnect from them. You're never a part of their interests; once you realize that, it becomes a lot easier to disconnect your SELF from the discussion, and disconnecting is your best defense. Everything else is exhausting and/or falling into their trap to "negotiate" or explain yourself or accept their judgement, etc. Exhausting.
That is soo true
Ignore them at all costs keep doing that eventually they wi ll eventually lose thier fuel that fueled thier mouths =)
“I’m trying really hard to see things from your perspective but I just can’t seem to get my head that far up my own ass” works really well 👍
LMAO!!!!!!
I would just laugh and come back with a good roast
😂😂😂
That has never worked.
🤣🤣🤣👌🏽
a argument with a narc is like a crazy circle of wtf nothing is resolved they are mental
Right on!
Lmao so true
That's why you put them down and move the conversation to something else!
He makes me mental . Take the worst out of me which never existed .drive me to the wall . Blaming me for everything. I ignore but follows me .now made of my mind to leave
@Jackalofdeath you can't help narcissistic people, because they don't take accountability for anything. You can't change if you don't accept the truth. That's why they never grow and always stay the same. We grow as people by not repeating the same mistakes over and over. We grow by realizing we're wrong, admitting it to ourselves and changing. Narcissistic people go through every relationship doing the same thing to everyone leaving a trail of destruction behind them. They don't accept blame, never apologize, never take responsibility, gas light others and most of the times they're bullies whose only defense is denial, manipulation and ad hominem attacks.
"The calmer you are, the more in control you are, the narcissist is going to get angrier." So true. When you don't fall into the narcissist's drama battle, the narcissist will escalate the tension/drama until they've sucked you in. Stay calm and don't get sucked in.
They'll resort to physical violence at that point once the verbal violence isn't working. This information in this video is good but from my personal experience and watching others, when you've realized this person is a narcissist it's best to leave them alone completely if its possible. Coping with it won't stop the narcissist at all. They will suck you in regardless of what you do. When someone wants a reaction out of you that bad they will use physical force. Just leave them alone for ever. Its 300 million people in the USA and all of them are not narcissists. Your options are limitless
Highly agreed
Mine likes to start stuff if I'm in a good mood or looking forward to something! So then I get down and dont want to go out or am not in a good mood any more.
You cant stay there forever though.
Pound4Pound -But when they are supposed to be family?
Dont waste precious time with toxic person, value your time, dont fall for them rise above them, walking away feels great, step into your own power.
I fall out of "love" with this girl. She still connect me and when she does, I make a date for my pleasure. I'm not talking on the phone, just for appointments. The other time I'm focus in sport, university and work. So when I become better, I can get better girls. But for now, I take that for experience, because all girls play, but the narcissistic plays the best game, so you just learn through it. She give me a silent treatment for 5 weeks and the first thing she says was "I hate you", man this people hate themselves 😂 if you are a strong person, you can chill and see how crazy they can get, everyday something new 😂😂😂
I have learnt to simply say "whatever" when hes trying to overwhelm me. I then simply get on with what I was doing. I knew it had frustrated and upset him because he started to say it to me hoping I would have the same reaction. I just laughed.
Walking away definitely feels great...”step into your own power” I love that saying....thankyou. A bad argument with my uncle has made me realise he’s a narcissist. I never want to see him again....I’m done...feels fantastic 😀
Gremlin yeah..why do they copy our own words..i noticed that..if i replied something..and she felt disarmed..she will blame me to others..
and next time she'll start the same topic again making it an issue.. ( ad she didnt win i think) and says last time u did that and will dump my own words arguments to me..(as if a vengeance)...and now she Just reply ..its yourself who is..or will keep repeating same thing to me like a broken radio cassette..so i dont have the opportunity to place a word..
She gets angry if i have the last word..and will say im bad mannered...i reply back...😅
It doesn't work.
presenting evidence; over explain; collecting alibis; proofing my innocence; recording our conversations trying to convince her later down the track... Finally I realised I am a 52 y.o man in a 17 year cycle of narcissistic abuse.
Thank you Michele.
This I did with my ex boss
All she did after that was intensify her smear campaigns
Yes I am 43 and been dealing with narcissists my entire life. (Wife parents, sister, church) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger 💪
Over explain. Tired of it 😢
"I'm not happy about me being right any more than you are."
-My personal favorite lol.
Love that one I'll try it.
I don't get it. I feel they would, "Yeah, but you're Not Right! I Am!"
So how is that a good strategy?
@@sandrahernandez569 It's meant to be a joke not actual strategy. 😉
I said it out loud and I finally got it 😄😁
For some reason, it wasn't making sense to me.. lol
@@sandrahernandez569 Ha ha. Try it next time you're having a friendly disagreement with someone. It will totally catch them off guard. 👍
The only phrase anybody needs to know "I'm not playing your game"
My narcissistic parent once said, "What are you going to do after I die?"
"Everything I've ever wanted to and a lot more besides!"
That shut her up - big time.
🤣🤣🤣YESS!!
OMG! My narc mum always says that to me! The problem with her is not only is she a narc, she always plays the victim... and because of her ailing health, she used it to get what she wants and manipulate people!
@@maryanne_tan My mom Loves to be the victim. She's also a pathological liar. You could have video evidence of her doing something, and she would still look you right in the eye, and lie and deny. She's in a victim competition with everyone. If you say you stubbed your toe, she'll say she broke her ankle...smh sad.
🤣🤣🤣🤣👍👍👍👍CLASSIC
My mother asked me that too.... I told her I'd finally breathe easy. 2 years no contact, she had my sister in law call me last night and demand a meeting. I laughed and told her the answer was and will always be no. I choose sanity. 😎
Blessed are the peacemakers. The opposite is also true. Narcissists don’t want peace.
True. My brother once said "peace is boring". He's a very violent person and seems to love violence?
Nope. They thrive on drama
Ovaltine Price -yeah for her❣
They can’t get peace within so they don’t want anyone else to have it.
@Earth Citizen lol well said!
Everything besides compliance is a battle when you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Thatz why enabler of a mom listens, boasts, and fears my elder sister and leaves us all to suffer even though she knows my sister tortures us all emotionally.. Such a pathetic mother who can't take action.
@@braingamesballsortgame718I have one of those too! Pathetic...
This is all so true. They can't stand when you grey rock. Trying to get them to understand logic is pointless and make you feel like you're talking to a brick wall.
Oh my God if I had a dollar for everytime I screamed that at my ex- narcissist. I feel like I'm talking to the wall!!!!. I would be rich at this point. But that was back when I didn't know what narcissistic abuse was.. back when I had no idea what a narcissist was and I didn't even know really anything about the extent of the emotional abuse that was going on in my personal life. Hindsight is 20/20.
For sure my gray rock was “ don’t touch my man he’s mine now , and you were never a real threat ! Pathetic!
It's not that they don't understand..it's a form of control. Very sick and dangerous creatures
Alien princess it's hard yo believe their are people that seem so normal snd morph into such evil snd sadistic monsters. Too bad we have to share the same air
When they don't respond i take it they know what they did
Assume that everything a narcissist says is to provoke you.
Never engage with what they say.
Your indifference is very powerful against them.
I tried talking and expressing how I feel but I end up in a silent treatment jail. 🥲
Thank you for posting this video. Now I know what to do.
Make silent treatment your friend and don't let it affect you..
Leave!!
I also realized that when I find myself trying to explain and then defend myself and say "no, you're the one!" etc,etc.. it actually makes me look like I'm the 1 that's the narcissist while they smugly deny responsibility or smugly blame me and then I go back-and-forth with them ...on paper and to anyone else who doesn't know the narcissist under the mask, it makes you look like you're the 1 who's being difficult and name calling
Exactly!!!!!! But once we realize what's going on and we apply the tools that help empower us - everything shifts =)
Omg I do the same. I need to stop. That's what I struggle with the most.
@C C sorry...I'm confused... You're saying we should say it?
No More Exactly! The narc often highjacks your story, assumes a victim role and by constantly keeping you on the defensive.
@C C yep..he'll say something like, "You (this or that)"...and I get stuck saying "No YOU'RE the one who(this or that)"....
Narcissists are watching this so they can start thinking of how to counter this
It doesn’t matter. They don’t learn and will not know how to apply this.
That's what I'm scared of. What if they get smarter somehow?
They don’t wanna see themselves as bad so I doubt that they watch this or even know that they’re mental
@@breannathompson9094 Yeah, I've thought about that, too, but looking up stuff about narcissism in order counter anti-narcissistic tactics is admitting to oneself that one may be a narcissist, so I doubt that would happen.
They see through the "statements." They may work once or twice but they will pick them up and weaponize them. This is good advice though, I think the "energy" of these responses is what matters. The narc can use these statements in weaponized form, but they will lack integrity.
Narcissists are a complete waste of time unless you’re a psychologist.
Even then they're still a waste of time... maybe good for the cash their insurance pays... about it
Acts17:23-31
Psalms 76:26
Numbers 7:9
Titus & Philemon Deuteronomy Leviticus Ruth is that way too
@@stevewoodson4635 not exactly sure what point you're trying to make here... other than yes God can heal people... the issue is they have to want to BE healed.... not picking up what you're trying to lay down with these particular scriptures though.... ?
Some psychologists are narcissistics... Dangerous.
@@AkaAzure : I know the feeling...don't try to explain to anyone who ignores you right from the start or talks over you. You will never meet these online bullies and they will drain your positive energy. Block them.
Silence is the ultimate neutrality🙏
@James M in some instances... i would have to agree with you. My self-respect won't let me sit there and not say nothing to a narc because they malignant ones i know use the time i was silent to add to their arsenal them being right. at least if i exert myself at this point they know where i stand and when i ghost their ass its not me re-explaining a whole line of shit why i left their ass. some people just deserve a strict no contact too though
Yes it is i use it frequently with people i can't handle. Never get comfortable letting anyone disrespect you.
@Randy HUTCHINSON lol i do the same thing
Selective deafness, especially to the subtle insults, overt demands etc. Even humming cheerfully and pottering around with all this going on in the background then turning round and saying cheerfully "okay, nightie night see everyone in the morning" and heading off.
Works everytime
I’ve been saying “I hear you” a lot lately and never even meant to. I just say it to say it. And it has been so helpful.
😂😂😂
I recently finally came to understand that I live with a narcissist. Unfortunately it took me way too long to realize this. But now, I see it for what it is...and I'm taking back my personal power.
It's never too late.
And another powerful statement, “okay” and that’s it. Just “okay”.
kgtennisfan I’ll have to start using that. Thanks
This works very well....especially if you reply with ok only over and over. And staying calm.
Here's a good, need a quarter now go call someone that cares! Of course, payphones are hard to find now but it still works.
Or, “I see…” Hm.
Finally I realized I was caught up in the whirlpool of narcissistic manipulation, lies and abuse. I had tried to end it before because I felt disrespected. He came back. I gave him another chance. And another. Until it was causing me too much anxiety to have this person in my life that I had to walk on eggshells around, constantly wondering what is truth or a lie, constantly wondering if he is with someone else. I never used to be like that. My partners had mostly been respectful and honest. In a vulnerable moment, the narcissist and I met and this normally independent and powerful woman well educated on relationship abuse was used and abused for two years. Believe me, it can happen to anyone.
Well finally I told him he had two choices, he could be with me or he could end it and we'd still be friends. Now, that's a win win for a narcissist and I knew it. He took a week to give me his answer. He wanted to do it in person. I told him it had to be over the phone. He wanted to end it but wanted to remain friends and especially friends with benefits. I told him I hoped that knew how much I had loved him. I never spoke to him again. He sent me a letter once half-assedly apologizing. But I knew I would be in the pit again if I responded. I have been no contact for two years. Sometimes you have to let them feel like they are in control. But you need to realize what they are before you do that. And you need to be willing to call it quits on your end. Because your end is the only one that matters. Be safe out there y'all and kind to yourselves and others in recovery.
hawkchild omg...I thought I was reading my own situation. I’m so glad I came across your comment! Thanks and I hope you are doing well!
"Thank you for sharing your observations." "Fascinating take on that." "How did you arrive at that conclusion? I'm really curious." "Did your Mom drop you on your head as a child, or were you just born stupid?" These are some of my favorite come backs to those little narcs.
You're allowed to feel that way.
Thank you for letting me know how you feel.
Well I just wanted to let you know how I feel.
I hear you.
Thank you for expressing your viewpoint.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I agree to disagree.
I choose to see things differently.
(Please watch her video for more great insights.)
Susan S these are fantastic
Here's one.....my brother some time ago started blaming me for stuff that may or may not have happened 35-40 yrs ago that made his life horrible all these years.
I told him that I had prayed to God to forgive me. Then I said... Oh no don't tell me....you didn't get the prayer? Damn!
😂😂😂
Is it wrong to say after a personal attack or false accusation:
What you said was mean and hateful. I'm sorry you feel that way.
Or
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Why are you yelling? - especially if they try escalating the drama
@@mfe-uf6vx Sadly, I have found telling them that what they said hurt becomes another way for them to spin the situation. When I've done that, their response was "That's how you took it" which means that I was wrong and at fault for letting their words impact me. Now when name calling and insults are thrown, I ignore it and stay on topic. "Okay but how does that relate to what I asked?"
As for their yelling to escalate an argument, I refuse to listen. "I am three feet away, you don't need to yell." No blame, no direct orders, just a statement of fact. Most of the time it helps. Not always, though.
Phenomenal
I learned in life Some times it's best to walk away. I told a narc once you are correct about everything you just said and walked away. They kept on trying to bait me.i kept walking and they got so mad they started yelling.
Be calm and just free yourself by leaving.
I agree. The last time I spoke to the narc they said "are you mad or what". I said, what, and never spoke to them again.
@@letstalktruecrime01 For fuck's sake. A narc is a law enforcement agent specializing in drug-related crimes. You can NOT use it as an abbreviation for narcissist!!!
@@SpaceCattttt thanks for your totally unnecessary input. for fuck's sake. control freak much? maybe you fit the category.
@@letstalktruecrime01 Just trying to help you not look like a fucking moron.
@@SpaceCattttt I feel you are probably a narc, in all uses of the word. I feel you have tendencies to overreact and to falsely accuse. I hope these videos help you work thru your issues. Have a nice day.
You are a godsend. I’ve been tortured by this type of person my whole life and they always twist me into the crazy one. Can’t ever watch your vids without tearing up because I feel like I’m finally not crazy. THANK YOU!
Oh My God!!! This is amazing!!! I wish I knew this 20 years ago. My now ex-wive (and half her family) LOVED to push my buttons, make accusations and cutting remarks, disregard my protestations, flip the scrip, flip blame, gaslight, etc etc and I would eventually blow my top (which of course led to me being accused of being the problem).
Excellent tips!
that's the key...that energy transference is the sneaky shit that irked me for years... i couldn't place my finger on it but i knew that something wasn't right.
I feel you brother. My life in a nutshell
all because you are adding fuel to the fire. you're arguing right back at them Ignore leave the scene do it long enough they will eventually get the messege Dont let them draaag you down to THIER level let them argue wiht hat piece of furniture what ya have to lose but your sanity when ya argue w i them rather Ignore themyour sanity is at r isk here
Yes! They do work. But, do not apologize, instead of "I'm sorry you feel that way. " say "It's too bad that you feel that way. " i have used these tips, and they ARE working.
Exactly, that puts the responsibility
back on them, not you.
Great video. I used to have a recurring nightmare where I would try to talk to them, and they would never hear me. They would just yell and rage at me. I started responding to them less in real life, and then one night I went into the dream but decided not to respond. They tried to rage at me and I walked away. I woke up and never had that dream again.
This morning I decided to passively agree with everything my mother says. Strictly phrases like "yes I understand, I agree" and no other words. I was shocked at to what extent she was ready to change her mind simply to disagree with me. Her opinion kept jumping from Black, White, Black... until she uses her next nasty strategy. A little touch of pitty baiting here and there, then she proceeds to actually call me a dog when I agreed to do her work etc.
Today is an explosion in my mind. I understand so much now. It's the first time in my life that I'm not looking to die. Actually, now I know I never was. SHE was slowly killing me.
Now I see her as an object. I'd put her in a box and probably forget her because it is not a useful object.
I went to the bank and opened my own account. I have a list of things to do in order to find my privacy. Thank you so much for those videos, it was the little spark for me.
God bless and keep you Z
Yes get as independant as you can and take back your own live that the Lord gave you and use it to better yourself and others. Your head will "clear" as time passes.
Good for you! 😁 When you can, as soon as possible, get out and never go back. She'll cry, she'll rage, she'll make up illnesses...it gets kind of funny (in a sick way) after a while. Kind of like watching someone walk into a glass door and fall on their ass. You know you shouldn't laugh but you kind of can't help yourself. Ignore it all and go.
I'm amazed how many people I know with narc parents, mostly mothers.
Move out!!!!
Z, good for you. I know exactly what you are talking about, my mother has done that several times. Anything to disagree! Love on, you will be glad you did. Good luck to you.
Just have NOTHING to do with them. Case closed
Rich Moore the problem is getting out, my problem right now
Not at all always easy. Coming to realize my husband is so toxic, my girls are afraid when we argue. My husband and I had, just last year, our son was born and less than two months later w our son passed away. Because that happened, it's not easy to to leave or have him leave. But I am so tired in so many ways of all the lies.
@@desireefournier9083 If your spouse lies excessively, its not possible to continue a relationship with integrity. F that. You can still find happiness beyond what you know now.
Sure
Easier said than done...I'm married to a Narc and I can't just divorce him because of it...He stresses me out. No joke.
When a narcissist argues, what they’re actually looking for is to “win”, not just the drama.
And LOW self esteem the propellor.
Exactly, looking back, I notice that I would always say I'm not the enemy and it's not always a competition! Omg ughhh thank you for this video!
And they always do win, even if it’s just in their own minds.
Or they twist you so much you don’t know what’s up or down. So, at that point they’ve won by default.
Yes - my narcissist friend wants *to enforce compliance with his point of view.*
@@SpeakwithTiiLooking back, 22 years later, I realize I said, " Hey! We are on the same team here!" to the guy who turned out to be my tormentor for 17 years, in our very first conversation.... O M G!!!!
"It's not my responsibility that you feel that way " .
Why bother staying with a narc? It’s worth the pain of leaving to have peace and a hopeful life.
You’ll never find Mr Right if you stay with Mr Wrong.
why does defending yourself against a narcissists,
...make you feel like a narcissists.. ( am i weird, is it just me?)
baashdi hobstocking because you are fighting for control.
Same 😥😥
It feels that way because it IS that way. In your heart you know the Truth. When you defend yourself against the narc, you are playing their game. The best defence is to walk away from them for good. You owe them nothing. If repeated attempts to explain does not get through to them, it means they do not WANT to accept you. Don't let them "guilt trip" you.
Namaste 🙏❤️
You're weird 😬
@@keystonedaytrip238 if you mean me, thanks, eh. Nothing wrong with being weird. It means you are being yourself. If that's weird to you, maybe YOU are the one that shouldn't call names to other people.
Just saying.
Peace Sean L.
"As much as I'd like to help you with this... I cannot... this is something you must do for yourself"
I said this very thing to him and he said I'm unloving.
They enjoy arguing and getting u to react
Yeah, I usually get into a problem, because I have the tendency to argue with them.
AbbyNormal777 me too then get pissed at myself because I know better
The Narcissist I unfortunately married, is truly truly evil. I don't know if I become a narcissist myself but after years and years of emotional abuse I've had enough
Sorry you're going through this, i currently just left my Narc ex and he's such a evil and miserable person and he can't believe I'm doing so well without him. Since leaving I've never been more happier. I'll be praying for you.
Viva los pepes - malignant narcissists are 'murderers who are too much of a coward to actually kill you with a weapon'.
That in my opinion sums up the 'evilness' so many try to describe in their comments.
When you have been in that environment for a long period of time you end up with residual side effects from the gas lighting. You have to retrain your brain and improve your self esteem. It takes time. Noticeing you are not yourself any longer you can find what you like again and get out and live!
Ugh that's awful I befriended a narcissist and I got sucked in before I realized what was going on thank God it's just a friendship but I got to break up with this friend just too toxic it does not bring me joy and life is too short to be near someone I have to constantly defend myself -no thanks
@@TheCherylish1 OMG... I just did the same thing... befriended a nut case! How awfully toxic and ugly but they say we learn from these experiences! I did not listen to my intuition and gut feel... I certainly will in future...
They don't argue logically, they argue with feelings. "I feel this... I feel that." I used to tell my narc, "I can't argue with your feelings... that's like arguing someone out of their beliefs... and I refuse to try."
It was videos like this that helped me deal with a narcissist I was forced to deal with. Guard yourself with knowledge. Learn how these people operate, know they are predicable and you can be ready for their BS.
That is true! It makes it so much easier to deal with.
I feel impowered since finding this out.
Great vid.
It's also important to remember that the primary goal for the narcissist is to "defeat" you.
This is important to remember because we often want to teach the narcissist something.
To show them the way.
They never will. In fact, they only want to disrupt and divert as much as possible.
The calmer you are the more volitile they will become.
Stay within yourself and don't feel your job is to change them.
"If you don't want them to get your goat, don't tell them where it's hid."
I had never met anyone so manipulative and conniving in my life. It was difficult to describe the frustration and degradation I felt living with him. He loved that he could upset and belittle me, obviously making him feel superior and a winner. Then I found my big girl pants. I moved into my own room and started to live my own life. I stopped asking permission to go visit my children, I just stated where I was going. I made sure there was nothing I had to rely on him for, so he had nothing to yank out from under me. I started to make the decisions on who came to my house (yes, it is MY house) and ignored his rude and childish comments in front of them. In fact I even asked him wasn't it time he went to bed, if he started. There are still challenges, but I'm the one doing the bluffing now. Unfortunately the more I grow away from him, the more he tries to engage me in battle. It's comical really. His latest trick was to befriend my children and over invite them to my house because he knows I like my time to myself after work. My solution ? Have a great time with them, feed them (something he hates) and stay up late, knowing he hates late night visitors. I'm even toying with the idea of moving one of my sons back in, (not sure even I could handle that !! ) I must say the freedom I feel no longer having to cower around him is enlightening . I really do over use the word "whatever", but it saves getting into a debate about things that just dont matter. When I first met him, he hid from me that he is asexual, so when the plug was pulled on our sex life, he made out it was my fault. I was just out of a 30 year marraige and very vulnerable, the perfect target for a narcissist. It's been a long hard learning process, but I own my own soul again. Praise God.
This is one of the best educational videos I have ever seen. Before watching this I had already come to the conclusion that you can't save a bleeding person who kicks you for wanting to take them to a hospital Thank you infinite times Michelle! You are wonderful!
Well said, I’m going to use that!
Feel free to use it;) It's the truth : another person's happiness and healing is their responsibility and theirs alone only, so if they just wanna use people as a drug and are not ready to go within, we have no obligation to stay around!
I too stopped logical conversation with my narcissistic adoptive mother at some point. One day she said - as per usual - "If you don't do what I tell you to do, I'll be very unhappy and I'll move out. I'll sell the house (though I have co-ownership, live in the house and pay the mortgage as well as all the other bills that come along with owning a house) and you'll be put on the streets! You'll be all alone again because no one loves you anyway!!!" So I said to her, knowing that getting angry would play right into her cards: "Good, do whatever that makes you happy. If you want to move out, no one will be stopping you. Be happy in life, feel free." I felt great after that one, since you could tell she was in total shock. So she moved out (after not having spoken to us for 6 months, except to verbally AND physically threaten us even more), and I thought "Finally, some peace again in the house!". Yeah well, that didn't turn out as good as I expected. She has called the police and filed a complaint under the false pretexts that my partner in life wasn't allowed to live with me (which of course is ridiculous, she's a full member of the family for well over 20 years), has gotten a lawyer 2 months ago to demand me selling the house AND even my car - which actually belongs to my partner in life, not to me - and just yesterday I got a court order to appear because she's now claiming that we physically and mentally neglected and abused her, that we bullied her and that we FORCED her to move out of the house. While in fact it was the complete opposite. What she DOESN'T know is that we have several witnesses who literally witnessed HER abusing and threatening US, AND who themselves by now have already felt her anger. Specially that one couple is feeling it, who sacrificed their entire holiday to help her move, when she didn't get her way with them any more after she had accused them of stealing her paintings during her moving out. Which of course is once again ridiculous, as those paintings are stored in a garage she's renting (these people themselves have put them in their and gave the keys immediately to her
I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope things have been resolved for you.
Yes. But it's her house. And do you know how difficult it is to adopt a child ?.How much pain this was for her. I think you are the narc one here. She probably lost a lot in life just to adopt you. I am just going through an adoption process. And it is a lot of pain, heartbreak and you give do much of yourself with the risk that child is never going to love you. May be just because of the genes. Honestly I going you should buy your own house.
Perfect truth. I have been put to their game. God will give me the victory.
Waste of time having a conversation with them in the first place. My energy is not to be wasted on such evil creatures. Grey rock
10000 likes bro
Grey rock plus smile and be happy in front of them
My problem with these is I feel they can actually be used by gaslighters when confronted. “I’m sorry you feel that way”. “I choose to see things differently”.
Have heard some advisers on TH-cam saying that saying
*" I'm sorry you feel that way"*
is sign of narcissism. It probably is. I don't know. My narcissists don't use it.
*
I used the phrase to get out of an intolerable conversation with a guy (narcissist or not) who was determined to cut me out of a social grouping. He did, any way. I'm glad I'm out of that scenario, painful as it was at time
I'm really struggling rn with my narcissistic mother and this is the only place in actually finding answers. Thank you, eternally grateful. 🙏
I have an issue with mine too. We had an argument and I lost it when she criticized me out of the blue. I asked why she did it and it turned into airing of the grievances on both sides. Well, she has been giving me silent treatment 3 months and said I hurt her and she won’t talk to me anymore… sad but she won’t and I tried to catch her on the phone .. she gets off and makes my dad talk to me. I sent an email explaining and nothing
Hope you worked it out somehow
@@karmasutra4774 sad to say but you have only just begun. Please look up "silent treatment " ....it's a form of mental and emotional abuse...you don't deserve this. Jesus made you wonderfully and He really loves you..keep focusing on that ....Psalm 13 in the Holy Bible...google it...house will see.
Any update on your situation?
Wondering sane- any update? How's it going??
I have this habit of laughing when I'm nervous. I laughed once at my narcissistic sister's outrage. It wasn't intentional, but I'm glad it happened. I finally found a way to drive her insane and it made me so happy.
Laugh every time they engage in a drama episode. watch them writhe and have fun, but also be careful. It got physical in my case. She immediately attacked me.
cause you just stood there and argued back toadd fuel tothe fire.. always Ignore maybe laughing when the diuation calls for it remove yourself have your pourse and car keys cl ose by all you would have todo is.... Excit get in your carand go to your home leave the naccisist standing arguing withthat piece of furniture \) use reverse Pshycology =)
I’m glad you’re doing great
"When words fail sometimes silence is deafening" -Me after dating a narcissist
Once I'm convinced that I'm dealing with a narcissist, and the conversation is pointless, I usually ask if I can ask them a question. If they say "yes", I then ask them if they suffered severe trauma as a child or were they neglected or abused by a parent or close relative This makes them hit the roof, but at least it shifts the the conversation away from a futile debate to the the real problem which is the person I'm talking with. This usually ends the conversation and I can walk away with some degree of satisfaction.
When I first did this nearly 2 years ago (I’d decided to leave the marriage) he saw the shift in me and was lost and confused by this behaviour. I think he could see he was losing his power of making me come to him and try to make up even though he wasn’t going to. I’d given up trying to sort anything out at that stage and was just going to concentrate on me. He didn’t know of my decision. It gave me power for the first time. Thank you, Michele for the power!
C C Absolutely!
@C C I'm a slow learner... how about 55 years for me.
Cherie N
I’m sorry...😞
In
Cherie N that was my mom she was a rag doll
I wish I would have seen this a few days ago. I broke up with my narc and she continually kept saying things that weren't true. I tried in vain to explain things but it never got through. I thought it was me just not saying things right , after this video I now understand things much better. Thank you .
Not reacting and not giving in to the emotional response the narcissist wants (is deliberately trying to provoke out of me) is such a great way to combat those conversations. It's hard but helpful, it ends the interaction quicker, I feel more sane and safer afterwards.
Thank you for your videos❤️❤️❤️
When you leave it's like saying to yourself, Happy Birthday. It is like a new life... A New Beginning a new start a new you.
Francie Odendahl, the world is filled with narcs
Even if you are NOT dealing with a narcissist, these are brilliant responses to remain grounded and maintain healthy boundaries in ANY conversation. They are also great when dealing with toddler! Toddlers can be pretty narcissistic and these phrases are great for de-escalating (some) tantrums and helping my LOs to become more self aware.
I think you mean to say many narcissistic people act like toddlers
@@jeremyariche4332 lol exactly
While I wqas in a relationship (married) to a very skillful narcissist, I developed the response of, "If that's how you see it, that's how it is for you." It drove her nuts. When the usual hostile response came back, I followed it up with, "I'm not responsible for your anger, call your Mother. She will understand." ( I am now happily divorced.)
Lol
I remember hearing a wrestler by the name of Jerry Lawler once saying, "Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." That helped me out a lot in dealing with my Mother. Since my Dad and I are on good terms, and I have to sit in the same room with her from time to time, I'll try your advice
My dad use to say the same thing. The only difference is, he did not call them idiots…. He said you can’t win an argument with a FOOL. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with their experience at it! Ha, ha, ha, He was right🤩
Damn... Where was this 30 years ago when i needed it... lol
It's the only game you can win by not playing.
One thing that I have noticed about TH-camrs speak about narcs, especially those who come from a background of personal experience, is their "self-care." The speakers are gorgeous, beautiful, and well-groomed. And I understand now that "self-love" is one stage, and a very positive stage of recovery.
If you look like hell then they've won. Whether you're a man or a woman, expressing yourself through your appearance is a great way to show the world who you actually are rather than how someone else has made you feel 👌
Yes, it makes me feel so much better to groom myself well and look good, and I cannot wait until he sees me because he really tried to destroy me and even brought me to the brink of suicide where I was wrinkly, feeling old and ugly, and my health was in decline due to the exhaustion and poisonous energy I absorbed. Two months on and I look and feel fantastic again.
Fin Shatner
@DATING HARLEY QUINN Wisdom well spoken. I like to reward myself everytime I foil any narcissist's attempts to "get me." I get rewarded a lot! lol
Clever. Thanks.
There are 3 other useful phrases. They work in all circumstances:-
"Okay",
"Too bad" ,
and my personal favourite,
"So what?"
That's my favorite "So what" it shuts them down. 😁😉
my favorite that always gives me the satisfaction i need is "okay" - indifferent and emotionless.
TheLaura1304 or .. tell me more( sarcasm) in a nice tone lol
@@gabrielgagne3850 oooh I like that!!
That won’t work they’ll just use that to call you out
All you have to do is laugh at them! Tell them you're a legend in your own mind.
All great statements. I use “It’s unfortunate you feel that way” instead of “I’m sorry”. It’s more of a factual statement instead of making you seem emotionally vulnerable. They think “oh you’re sorry and you’ll continue this treatment if you don’t change”. But this stops the conversation and leaves the loose end on them and it’s up to them to tie it.
I find it hard to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" because to say I'm sorry doesn't feel right, like they will take that as taking the blame.
I'd much rather say "It's too bad you feel that "way".
or "it's a pity you feel that way"
Whenever I carefully, respectfully & lovingly address a matter, his first response is always: "Are you attacking me? Yes, you are attacking me! Why are you attacking me?!"
Inge Justa van der Helm that sounds just like my mother
I would say However i say something or do something she turns it in an attack..
and now im seeing she has started adding any unimportant things i said from the past
..and will twist it..and say u see how she is has a bad thinking, is vile wants to fight. When the talk has nothing to do..
Like i put garbage in the bin shell say i do tbat to annoy her to put more chores on her!! Dont know what next thing issue shell come up with. Its like living on fire u dont know when shell burn u!! 😣😕
Yes! Mine is excellent at turning the tables around. Until you're so confused you don't even know who said what.
Laugh in their face ...then walk away.
that will kill them 😂
I feel that even having strategies is giving the narcissist too much power. Just knowing that communication is a complete waste of energy is immensely liberating.
Another great video. It was weird living in the same house as my narcissistic wife after we split. I was frightened to speak to her about quite a lot her behaviour I found unreasonable. But using tactics like this made it a little easier. She knew all the buttons to press. I stayed calm for the most part but in the end she did manage to get to me by bombarding me with lies, accusations and word salad. She's an expert at it. I recorded some of the conversations. They appear in transcript form with copious commentary in a piece of writing I've done about my experiences of being in the relationship for 17 years.
Stephen Dagg wow I was married to one for 20 years. They physically drain you. Do you mind if I get a copy
could i get a copy ,
I love the analogy, “quicksand”, the natural response ends up as a struggle.
They won’t get you, and shift the narrative.
These proper responses, put across so very eloquently in this video, are so empowering.
Another great video, thanks.
Michelle, I cannot even begin to express how much your videos have helped me... growing up w/a narcissistic Mother & having been married a narcissist for 20 years... I only wished I had this info years ago... after my horrific divorce... when “she” sided w/my abusive, sick ex... I had to literally “run away from home” w/my young children & live in 4 different states... after 12 years, I have returned home & I come from a small community & altho I have yet to encounter either of them... I am empowered... seriously Michelle... I don’t know that I would have had the courage to return w/out all that I’ve learned thru you & your incredible work!!
Thank you, I look fwd to learning more from you... keep up the incredible work you do... I almost never comment so plz take this as an expression of gratitude from one survivor to another... thank you again so very, very much!!
So proud of you! You matter!!!
I found NC is only way to go. Once you wake up and get out of the fog, all of this becomes so clear! You just have to do NC, even if you don’t understand why. The fog prevents clarity...it comes with time. And then 🙏🙏
Georgette Carmello amen
"When you have mastered the Way of strategy, you can suddenly make your body like a rock, and ten thousand things cannot touch you." -Mushashi
I’m married to a narcissist. Unfortunately, I have a dependence on alcohol to help my anxiety and chronic pain. It’s so easy for my husband to throw “You drink too much!!!” as his defense for everything wrong he does. He’s right. Drinking isn’t healthy, but it doesn’t excuse his cruelty.
As someone living with narc parents,I wish I could like this a 100 times!
Thanks so much for this!
Mobius Zero I feel you. My father is an aggressive narcissist, and my childhood in the house sucked. It was never my home, only a house.
@@siddhantdesai4577 My daughter in law was one also. Her house was always in an uproar and now I feel her daughter has become a narcissist also at 20 years old. So sad that we cannot have a decent conversation. I'm older and have no energy to put up with them so have had to walk away. Hopefully the points made here will help me if I should have to speak with them again.
I grew up with a narc dad to. My house was never a home. I got to see what a narcissist can do to christianity. Holy shit, what a joke
timothy whitney oh no!,,
As an adult I've come to realize that both my parents were, they just expressed it in different ways. I wish I knew about this sooner. I feel that I would have less to fix and correct in my own life now.
Using passive aggressiveness to shut down a narcissist. I love this world.
Rationalization with a narcissist is like searching for a higher deck on the titanic
😅🤣
😅🤣
Or keep neatly arranging the Deck Chairs in the Titanic, as IF that will make any difference.
Coiled Steel ... valid point
😂
In my case, my statement would have to be "I am not responsible for how YOU CHOOSE to feel." That's where my boundary stands firm. If the narc chooseS to feel miserable that's on them. And what do I choose? NO CONTACT!
Yes I too was driven to walk away. It became scary as I almost felt the person would set my house afire or at the very least vandalize something I treasured . So glad they are out of my life at the present.....in another town....so feel safer now.
Yes, that's a good one as well. I would say to him "If that is how you feel I cannot do anything about that" or "You can believe that if you like, I cannot stop you...but you're wrong". I like to allow people to feel whatever they are feeling or choose to feel. With narcs they will not know where to go with this.
@@donnahill7631 how did you do it? I am in constant fear for my animals and he blatantly told me that he hurts animals.
logic and reason just dont work in the face of insanity - and these people ARE insane - keep calm and get to work on your escape plan.
Horrible people...
Nah they’re just better than you
My lawyer said stop trying to please them, because you never will.
A light turned on & I never again gave a wit what the witch thinks.
"I'm sorry you feel that way"...phrase my narc father used all the time...so apparently it is a technique used by narcs as well.
My 3 yr off/on fb (currently off) ALWAYS says that. It drives me nuts. I finally realized he has NPD and have been watching videos to help me get away and stay strong!
I would say "" too bad "rather using I feel thats kinda sympathetic"" That's Too badthat you feel that way or just Ignore the andkeep doing justthat and eventually they w i l l get the messege when you actually do it long enough no matter what
I agree and more than that. What I experience on a workplace environment is they are what I call social smart. They bring, thrue smart lies, others taking there side. They are so innocent, its unbelievable. Than other coworkers who see this don't say anything. They understand this will just escalate.
But I see now it's because I lett me drag into the quicksand I wanted others to rescue me and "my" truth.
Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge.
This is so true. I had this recently at work and it really hurt, but these techniques were very helpful and kept me sane. Eventually they out themselves and others are more able to see them for what they are if you do this and don't enter into their drama. The one I worked with outed themselves spectacularly and ended up leaving in disgrace when they ran out of lies.
Going and doing the No Contact and Blocking way ....drives them insane...
They just find another supply
Play your own game. If the girl connects me, I make a date for my libido. I'm not into talking in the phone, when I meet I play a role. All girls are playing, narc are the best teacher's. I like when they get crazy and you are calm and know they try to insult you, because they are weak. 😂
Yes it does!!!,
He gets frustrated and ends the relationship....it hurts....
@@mathewharrison yes but like a drug dealer it's not always easy to find another supply hence why they hold on to there current supply as long as they can .
This helps break the spell I always feel like being married to a narcissist is like being drugged against your will and you know someone is keeping you in a basement locked up but you dont know why you cant get out
I always felt like if I were to get married, that I would meet Mr. Right after I married someone just to be in the groove of marriage.
Found a second fb page of my narcissist son-in-law, where he accused me of all the things he's done. Classic projection. I didn't bother defending myself because he'd enjoy playing the martyr and upsetting me more. Took him out of my will, though, lol.
Cath Robilliard no offense but I'm skeptical of mother in laws or parents in general, calling their kids narcissistic. My mom is the narcissist and she would totally call my husband narcissistic.
@@karaa7595 fair point, though his mother is the only one who fails to recognise his behaviour, even his daughter knows; her much anticipated birthday party was ruined when he had a "heart attack" and an ambulance was called. Turns out it was a "panic attack". Get the picture?
Lol does he know he is out of will? Bravo
@@catherinerobilliard7662 hey...maybe you should help your daughter get out of that relationship?If I was the mother I'd make sure of that...!
Black Ink? don’t think we haven’t tried. She’s an Enabler.
Watching these videos has helped me find clarity and balance within my mind again. Thank you for people like you that do this
I've actually made it through moments by not allowing it to escalate on my end. And I shrug my shoulders and walk away . He'll say sharp words, or cheap jabs. It doesn't go further if I do not bite!