@@marcicisketti4608 So sorry that happened to you. So glad you're working with the sheriff to get your uncle. I listen to Joyce Meyer ministries on youtube. She was sexually abused by her uncle and father. She talks about it a lot to help others. This happens far too often to children. My brother's girlfriend went through the same type of thing. God Bless You. I pray you have peace and strength because you deserve it
Their own children. Period. You don’t have to say biological. Even if it wasn’t biological, it’s the same. Even a nephew/niece. Goodness gracious I don’t get it. Makes me sick
That’s sad but this is not the case the husband had a healthy sex life prior to marrying this woman….he just doesn’t like her like that it’s possible it’s just a afraid to be alone type of move
@@ldv02 It's a demon and I'm serious. My dad molested me at 4 years of age. It wasn't till I was 60 that I could face it. I want to tell you all the Lord Jesus healed my deep pain, self loathing and trauma. My dad was diagnosed schizophrenic but I know it was demonic. I forgave him. He died and I don't know if he ever repented & turned to Christ. Christ is the answer.
The woman calling seems super smart. She was connecting many dots in real-time, and also clearly seems engaged to make things work to the best of her abilities. Godspeed to this couple.
She's a people pleaser and a perfectionist, that's why she agrees with John and studied all his material before calling, but she's smart too. She needs to take some initiative for what she wants, though, and not just for what needs to get done. And her husband needs to help in some way, because this is all on her shoulders.
@dankus.memeokus4192 I think it's more that both need counseling. He needs a therapist to help him through his trauma and so does she. Her being upset is from him being uncomfortable and not being able to voice it to her, this can be worked out with a therapist. Both have valid feelings, it's just an awkward situation that needs to be worked out.
If he is destroyed by what happened in his youth he has to get real about that you can't know something made long term relationships almost impossible and let this woman think it is still possible somehow
She struggles because she starts to view herself as the monster-father who hurt this precious little boy that she loves & her instinct to protect tells her "stop" intimacy to LOVE him...when in actuality, if she can just be his wife & let him be her adult husband, THAT will be the best way to love him, a healing GIFT that nobody else can give! 🎁
That makes sense. I think letting him be a little bit overpowering in the moment might help her with that. Playful things like your husband picking you up, or holding your arm up and tickling you will definitely make you realize he's NOT a little boy and I'm NOT taking advantage of him. I would recommend she start a playful game with him and then when he wins its like, yeah, he's totally fine. s@@supernova11711
Have ANY OF THE COMMENTORS EVER considered hubby was sexually abused??????????? This left issues which left a lifelong impact on him? THIS IS A HUGE problem for HIM (and now Shae)
Apparently, they haven't. He was sexually abused... possibly raped by his father. The little minds in the comments so far are sad & surprising. I'm wondering if these issues didn't show while they were dating or early in the marriage.
I love the way she talks. Less about feelings and vague details and more about facts, no beating around the bush, just accurate, concise information delivered effectively and as direct as possible. Truly refreshing.
My sister and I were victims of our dad too. I’m 50 years old and had 20 years of therapy. Unfortunately most therapists don’t correctly know how to help incest victims. I found Dr. Susan Foward who is now retired but was an expert in this field. She wrote many books, she saved my life. Praying for this poor man.
there are prayers for fixing divorce and brokenness marriages. Although me and my wife are now back together and our love is even stronger but I was a total mess when she first dumped me.
I agree with you, had years of trauma therapy, yes i have healed in a way, learned some tools on how to cope. But sex, was on a different level, and these steps only happen with the person you let in, your love partner. I've read the comments, and some don't seem to understand how this trauma lives on, its like saying to someone who lost an arm (which i have lost function of one arm) goes to see a therapist to accept and grieve and move forward, but what is lost will not be gained back. You will always be different in some areas, being abused by a family member for years, in your young learning years, will have an impact forever.
That's not incest-- it's sexual abuse. Incest is sexual relations between close relatives who are consenting adults. It's actually legal in a few states. A child who is sexually abused by an older sibling, a parent, etc., can't consent to anything. There's a power differential, i.e., it's predatory. That's a crime. My mother has reframed my childhood sexual abuse by my older brother as incest, e.g., "it's actually really common." This is her attempt to make it seem ubiquitous, and to avoid accountability, etc. She cognitively "normalized" it in her own mind, and attempted to gaslight me for years. It didn't work. From the ages of 5 to 13, I was sexually abused by my older brother and she knew about it. She told me they'd lock him up if I said anything to anyone and his life would be ruined. Meanwhile, it continued. I've removed her from my life. She's sub-human, on every level. Please use the correct language. It's not incest. It's sexual abuse. I am sorry he did this to you. Sending healing and love to you. ❤️✝️
These open conversations about sex is helping me understand the importance of it in a relationship. I was never abused but I grew up in a family where conversation about sex was taboo. My dad never had a talk with me about this growing up and this resulted in me viewing it as a shameful thing.
I’m 100% in the same boat! I even had to get the sex talk from a friend at school because my parents sure as hell were never gonna do it ☠️ It’s just confusing when u can’t ask ur parents abt any of it because u don’t know what they think the right time is and when it’s ok and when it’s not. Like I’m assuming they want me to wait till marriage but idk for sure 🤷♀️ :p
Not everyone likes sex as much as you think. Idk why you folks overlook that. Some folks don’t like certain foods while others love it. It’s not different with sex. Sex isn’t anything special where everyone loves it and if you think that you’ve watched too many movies.
One of my best friends who I no longer speak to, was SA by her older brother, her parents did not do ANYTHING about it. She suffered for YEARS, started cheating in her husband due to lack of sex, and went from being an amazing mom and wife to a drug addicted, sex addicted woman who’s living with her “boyfriend,” at his mothers house, as a 40 year old woman!! Trauma is no joke!
@@shanecharles4589 Yeah poor husband. Poor any spouse who gets cheated on. Nothing worse than that kind of betrayal. It's just an abstract thing that you know must be hard, but when it happens to you, then you really feel for them when you hear it.
@mariyaa111 said, "[She] started cheating [o]n her husband due to lack of sex" Not to diminish what your friend suffered but her husband not giving her sex is not why she went off the deep end and had extramarital affairs. She had the affairs because she wanted to do it period. No excuses. No externalization of blame. She had the affairs because she wanted to and was selfish.
@@neechee5150 victims of childhood abuse have sexual dysfunction. We know trauma remaps the brain. In some cases when mental health is involved he person is to be pitied. Of course everyone feels for the person being cheated on. I've had it happen often but I can have empathy for those who have problems. Can't tar everyone with the same brush
Or maybe he made that up to avoid sex with her. I bet he told her she’s the only one he’s confided this to so she’s unable to ask his siblings or his ex wife about it. She’s stuck unless she chooses to leave him. I say, leave.
I went through a relationship where my boyfriend rarely wanted to have sex. I have a very high sex drive, so it was very frustrating for me. Several years later I found out that he’s gay. It explained a lot, but I still wished I had known it wasn’t me at the time.
I am in a similar situation but I don’t get the vibe of him being gay what other signs were there? I have sex many 2-3 times a months and it’s our first 8 months together
@disco4535 Oh please. Not everyone has your view point or religious beliefs. I don’t ever want to get married, so I’m not allowed to have sex my entire adult life? You sound ridiculous. Get over yourself and realize that there are so many people on this earth and they are not all going to feel the way you do.
She's living my life from 30 years ago. I wish Dr. Delony then...or someone like him? I loved my husband dearly, but he shut down on me & shut me out. And no woman enjoys always having to be the initiator - just as I'm sure men enjoy not always having to be the initiator. I hope & pray that these two found a way to push thru this. My heart just aches for her.😢
There are many marriages who only see each other a few days a month. Over the road truck drivers, pilots, ship captains and crews, some railroad employees. It takes work to make a marriage work, but it really teaches you how to love and appreciate every moment you and your spouse get to spend together.
@Stephanie Zimmerman as a truck driver I approve this. If it's not fire when you get home to that person after that long then you've been doing it wrong. I pretty much have a list of stuff that needs to be done when together 😆. That tension build up can be crazy. Carefull with truckers tho...lots of them cheat. I was married to one. Not doing it again unless we team drive...you don't want something that penicillin can't cure.
@@aqua6613I can see this. Hookers definitely hang out at truck stops and go knocking on all the windows. You have a man who’s been working for days non stop and hasn’t had sex for weeks and it’s a recipe for disaster. There’s a reason the prostitutes keep going back and there’s a reason everyone knows that that’s a place to find them.
@@corrieworou4813 No, most people couldn't do it. Marriage is not supposed to be this way. This woman is sacrificing herself in every way for this man. I get that she really loves him, but it's not much of a marriage for her.
Kudos to this caller for being brave & open. You can tell she loves her husband deeply & wants to work through their issues. She’s willing to humble herself & realize that she has hang ups that may be exacerbating the problem. That’s huge. Great advice from John. It’s so very nuanced. But he’s right modeling a healthy marriage is the best gift you can give to your kids. And absolutely do not push your spouse to give details of their past abuse. Just reassure them that you care & don’t wanna do anything to trigger uncomfortable feelings. The ball is in his court with that. Hope this lady realizes she’s worthy of genuine physical intimacy. And her husband doesn’t need her to be his mother.
Thats a super valid concern wanting to know how not to trigger Him . Each survivor has a " just dont do this" list . She should ask . Often its not an act so much as a small detail - like dont whisper, or dont grab a their arms etc.
Girl you dont need his story... I have a husband who doesnt remember all of the s* abuse or who did it... He was too young. My trick with him and it works is litterally hugging naked or a lot of hugs and we talk about other things, because my situation was so bad he didnt want to be touch in some area while having sex.. He even had to have his therapist say it okay to give yourself the permission to fantasize about women without feeling guilty or disgusted about having those urges! Something just click and relieved him ! Often they dont voice so many thing because they are AFRAID ! That power of their body being their own has been taken away and society's taboo about how bad male sexual abuse is is also such weight on their shoulders. This Dr. Delony gives you awsome advice, but I would add dont give yourself the pressure that you have to compensate for what sex represent for him! I feel you - a wife of a survivor of sexual abuse. You'll get there in time!!
I think this shae woman is a codependent it's like she knows he will reject her and push her away and she wants to figure out how to win him over and save him
She sounds like an absolutely wonderful woman. I admire her persistence in trying to make her marriage better. And that’s coming from a guy who doesn’t necessarily believe in marriage.
Dr. John!!! You have given me such a cathartic realization. This was truly beautiful. You have such a beautiful, soft & gentle way of ‘breaking the news’ to the caller. Thank you! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Child centered parenting is often an excuse to avoid facing relationship challenges. Regardless of that successful healthy marriages always provide the foundation for healthy successful kids. Focus on God, marriage and kids in that order and everything will work better.
It's normal. Your kids come first. The only challenge is that it leads to grey divorces because by the time the kids leave the nest, couples have grown apart and it's often not worth reconnecting but a lot easier to start over with zero baggage, zero resentment, etc
Dr. John did a great job of advising this woman, and she did a great job of articulating her concerns and digesting John's feedback. This was a very productive call, and I hope that translates to her relationship and sex life with her husband.
It sounds like they have a connection for sure. They have love and good communication. There are different types of connections. I think connecting on an emotional level is more important and necessary to have before you’re able to connect sexually. So they have half of the equation, they just have to work on the rest. Show me a marriage that’s perfect. These two have a lot more than many.
@@videofan1010I think you’re both right- both are lonely. Maybe combine both of y’all’s thoughts- nothing lonely than feeling so connected emotionally or personality or chemistry-wise with someone on one level, and wanting or needing the physical sexual component and without it, feeling so totally unconnected on another level 😢❤
Dr. John is amazing in navigating these tough questions & scenarios. I can learn a lot from others' struggles even when it doesn't apply to me. Bottom line, sexual abuse/physical or otherwise messes someone up for a lifetime. I even think that therapy cannot totally get rid of the deep wounds inflicted by others as a child. It is a very hard road to go with that kind of past.
Therapy doesn’t get rid of anything. It gives people coping mechanisms and strategies to process and divert your thoughts but nothing can take something like that away. It can help but it’s a LOT of work also.
Please don't push forward the idea that those of us who were used as a sexual device by our narcissistic parents are damaged goods best left alone. How cruel are you? We deserve love, loving touch, orgasm like every other human being.
Loved the end of the call where Dr John reminded her she is worth being loved. I was a parent to my mom too. And, molested by a teenage babysitter and hid it to keep from hurting my mom... it's been a wild ride. I'm single and dating in my 40's. It's hard. I keep wanting to latch onto people who can't really be there for me... I'm glad I have good friends to help me analyze and stop wasting time in unfulfilling relationships. I do love the envelope idea. I hope they try it.
There’s another side to that coin you haven’t even discovered yet. So we go for people that can’t or won’t love us back because that’s what we’ve learned love is. But once you DO find someone that DOES…you struggle to stay interested! We’re trained to always be chasing something we can’t have but then when we get it, it looses its shine and we have no idea what to even do with it anymore. I’m telling you this because it’s good to be aware of it. All relationships have ebb and flow but you’re probably going to experience this at some point. Pick a good one, make a commitment and stick it out. You’ll figure it out. I’m married now to a wonderful man who I very much love but I had to push through that phase. I recognized it for what it was and refused to let my trauma continue running my life. Best wishes to you.
She's been rejected. If not in actuality in her mind, I can relate to this (as a man). You want to believe it's a natural occurrence when/if your less initiating spouse starts it up. But, if you've argued or had issues about it you may go along with it but you'll have a thought of "is this genuine or pity" in the back of your mind.
From the other perspective please know that a lot can go into this. Your wife can love you and be attracted to you while still struggling with sex. Our hormones really screw with us. They are constantly changing throughout the month then slap children and menopause into the mix and…it’s a roller coaster! Your side is difficult for SURE but so is it difficult for us to live with or try to explain to our husbands. Then, on top of that, there’s almost always one partner with a higher sex drive (man or woman). What that means (in a way most people don’t think about it) is that that person will always “build up faster”. For me, I try my best to satisfy my husband but it’s hard for him when I don’t have the same passion in the bedroom. The problem is that, in order for me to get there, we’d have to have less sex…which he doesn’t want either lol! It’s not as though I don’t enjoy it or enjoy expressing that intimacy with my husband, it’s just that I’m never at the point that I “need it” because his drive is higher. So it always takes me a bit longer to get into it. I don’t throw myself at him but do try to initiate sometimes because I do want him to feel desirable. This is just one perspective though and every relationship is different. I just wrote all of that in the off chance it might help you in some small way. It’s not always because the person doesn’t love you or find you attractive and desirable. It isn’t pity. I don’t “pity” my husband, not at all. I want to satisfy him because I love him. I understand that we’re different and want for us both to be happy in the relationship. You telling yourself that is your own inner dialogue and it’s not helping you and very likely not what your partner is feeling at all. Be kinder to yourself maybe? She’s with you for a reason.
@@theprodigalson4003 So, another gay person. Lesbian? I noticed, EX. I am almost 80. I learned a lot the hard way. Therapists can't help. I am a woman.
. A strong marriage is the foundation of the family. Also, is it possible he has a sex or porn addiction where he is gratifying himself outside the marriage? This can be a problem for sex abuse survivors. Sex/porn addicts are very good at keeping it secret and gaslighting. The spouse often feels unattractive, and they can't put the finger on it or understand what changed. They thought things were perfect, and now this. Also, that may be the very reason he moved away-he can act out with much less chance of being caught AND he doesn't have to "talk about the issues" if he's not there. I just think there is something more going on here, and I think you do, too. Find out now.
It's def possible... but I dunno his wife Shae does seem to genuinely love him very much, she is begging for sex don't know many men that would rather masturbate when they have a woman that is so into them. Porn addiction is a monster though, and it can be easy to hide.
If you can't you can't. Doesn't make you a bad person. I took on way more than I could handle with past relationships and it doesn't do either party any good in the long run. If you have the self awareness to know you can't handle it before hand that's great and you save yourself a lot of trouble.
I don't think anyone would blame you, but I'd encourage you to look at it less about having a past, and about having an unhealed past. Someone who has healed from it and has largely become a healthy functional person is going to have minimal issues, while someone who hasn't really healed from it much at all is going to have a host of issues. Sometimes a person who was damaged in the best could be the best partner you will ever find, they have so much love to give.
@@mirabella2154 Also, when he motions for sex she starts yo accuse him in her mind that he really doesn’t want it. She’s the problem, not his abuse from childhood. We can’t stay victims our entire lives. If his childhood was truly the issue then he has failed to get help and he’s responsible to GET help!!! Or stay SINGLE!!
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 Apart from the fact that you are contradicting yourself, it seems you are projecting. Maybe you should get help yourself before suggesting others to get it.
THIS CALL. This one shows how genius Dr.Jon is. This is a very intelligent caller too. Love this one, man you’re changing lives! It really makes me want to pursue this career, I’ve wanted to for forever but 🤷🏻♀️
Its wild that I can actually relate to this experience. When I found out my ex (in relationship at that time) had childhood trauma, I felt the need to distance myself from her for a time (physicaly, not emotionall). I actually felt guilty seeing her in a sexual way given what she had gone through. I don't think its bad to be empathetic towards your partner, but we still have to listen to how they actually feel, rather than trying to read more into it.
PLANNING INTIMACY…. Let me tell you… it is a fire 🔥 builder!!! People that complain about it … need to practice more. It’s incredibly desire building, to discuss… and plan … and get excited that THE moment is going to happen soon! If you have trouble with putting on the calendar because “it’s boring” … work a little bit more on your creativity… boring people are boring… if you don’t know what to do … learn … you can learn a lot just by calling or texting about the upcoming time. I’m constantly wondering why anyone says planning is boring… you’re building a 🔥 fire and dang it can be unbelievably hot! I’m almost 54. I’ve been through a thing or two … plan intimacy… when your friends say it’s boring… tell them “what?!?!!! “ because you are creative enough… and can live in the excitement of planning before it happens… and when it happens… may not go as planned! And sometimes for the better!!! It’s an opening for creativity… people who only go on spontaneity… are at the core … Not that spontaneous… Much love … plan it with your partner… your relationship deserves it and so do you! ❤
Coming from someone who didn’t have a mother figure, it’s very hard to embrace your femininity when you don’t have that. Especially during puberty. I could relate to her feeling like a man, she was basically only raised by her father. ❤
Low T is way less prevalent than people believe. The nonsense is mostly pushed by people who want to sell some product to men. Its about 2% of men under 50, and 5% of all men. So youd have to be really unlucky to be one of the 1 in 50 younger men
After their mid 20's, men's Testosterone levels drop 2% a year . Plus other complicating health issues of blood pressure , heart issues , circulation issues , enlarged prostrate , etc increase with age . Yes , women do maintain peak levels +/- 10 years longer, but then the drop off is steeper . Implied from the ages of the children, the caller would be at least mid 40's , and he's at least the same .
Hmmm ... My husband is 45, I am 42. He wants it once a month or less, and I want it 3-4 times/day... We checked the T level, and it is in the normal range, a bit of average. No kiss, no hugs, no intimacy at all...
@@xdxdxdxd4575 sounds like an attraction issue. When a partner is not attracted, they lose sexual attraction and don’t want physical contact. Maybe they have attraction to someone else.
@@Gentilejediit's not necessarily an issue of attraction and I'm speaking from personal experience. I was also in a situation with my ex wife where over time I simply lost more and more desire to have s*x with her. I also got myself tested for lower testosterone levels but they were within normal range for my age, which is early 40's. However, there was also an ever growing level of stress and anxiety for me due to our living situation and lifestyle, something that simply didn't sit well with me. My stress and anxiety for worse and worse over time and it coincided with me wanting s*x less and less. This eventually led to divorce, however, my libido has completely bounced back since, and it's mainly due to essentially being back in my element in terms of what makes me function the best, as a person. I need lots of exercise and live in conditions that resonate with me. This is exactly what I'm doing now and it honestly makes me feel as if I have been almost reborn. But going back to my ex wife. I never thought of her as less attractive in any way but it's different to actually having a desire to engage in s*x.
Sexual abuse takes away that choice from the survivor. For us, the act is an ugly thing especially when your touching areas that our abuser touched. Intimacy is difficult for me because I cannot orgasm, sometimes disdain physical touch or displays of affection. That was affecting relationships so I had to choose to be single the past 6 years, no contact, so I can heal. As much as I now desire that companionship/human connection, I dread that if I do find a guy, I may not respond to him. I explained to my daughter last year what happened to me because she's a very affectionate child and couldnt understand why I couldnt hug her and show her that affection. Now, we have worked on it and we're better, she doesn't just touch me, she asks "mommy is it ok for me to have a hug or can I lay next to you?" Sometimes I say yes immediately and sometimes I tell her give me a second just to mentally prepare myself to be touched. Touches make my skin crawl. Something was taken from me at age 6, and that is a pain at 37 I still fight when the memories come but I've learnt to be present with it and cry for that child.
@@jones2277 because I was labeled as "weird" as a child I never had a consensual act until 19, tried to act normal and I had to force myself to just do it. I took my daughter's father to counseling with me so my therapist could explain to him certain things, when I opened up and explained to him that my skin literally crawls sometimes when he touches me, he got mad and wouldn't go back to the sessions. The attempt was for him to understand what I was dealing with but I think it was too much for him.
@@jones2277 I can own my part in the demise of the relationship. Going through that healing phase brought out a lot of anger and resentment that he wasn't responsible for and it was just not good. Facing trauma and healing is hard
Raquel, you need to get serious help. I'm very concerned about your child's mental health when she has to ask for a hug abd she sees you clench up. Your problem sounds much bigger than you can handle alone. I hope she has regular contact with her father.
I have a girl friend who is the higher desire partner because her husband was falsely accused of rape in high school and struggles because of that. It's a huge problem when abuse has an effect.
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 it is very difficult to work through that stuff on your own without professional help And not every one can afford professional help
I can’t speak on the sexual abuse part so excluding that part, as the man in the relationship if you know your wife has high desire for sex, you have to go out of your way as the man to go get help from a professional that gets you all the help you need in order to mentally and physically have great sex. Just that simple, most men who have bad sex never go out of there way to figure out how to get better. You got to make the effort to go get help. Don’t be that guy who just sits there an accepts it. I don’t tolerate bad sex on my part. I always make sure I’m prepared mentally and physically to make sure I’m performing at the highest level. But again can’t speak on the abuse side of things because I’ve never experienced something like that.
Someone doesn’t have to have been abused to feel sexually rejected by their partner. When asexual people marry a partner who is not asexual, it can also create problems like this. Many married people go YEARS without physical intimacy of any kind, and it’s no wonder that it leads to inevitable divorce.
I wonder if this guy is messed up on two levels, one is obviously the trauma he endured, but the other is that he learned to associate male sexuality with abuse. So as the male in the relationship, he's terrified of BECOMING that monster. He doesn't want to initiate because he doesn't want to come anywhere close to being dominating and risk hurting someone the way he was hurt. Gosh, what a complicated situation.
Only when they take care of that business using the specific guidelines and leadership structure of the New Testament. If that happens and Jesus Christ our Lord is honored and glorified through all of it, then the husband needs to sign off on all the details. Involving the board of pastors wives at their local church is also a wise decision. If you no longer have the desire to take care of business, that’s a red flag that pride and disobedience were likely the only reason you were attracted to such perversion. Get saved obviously since you weren’t genuinely a real Christian to begin with. 🤣🤣
Best video of the series in my opinion. I am doing a PhD on history of incest in france (20th century) and lately came across those issues in my personal life. I relate so much to this woman. And I love John’s tips and his joke 😂
She's really hurting. I feel for her. I really think this is an attack from the enemy, the devil. She's devastated because she loves him. She's devastated because it's triggering old childhood wounds.
Probably because statistically people who have gone through this level of trauma rarely talk about it due to shame, fear, remorse, contempt, and so much more. Sometimes they will never talk about it and sometimes they’ll open up about it much later in life when they realize they can’t keep it in anymore.
Because a lot of the folks who are teaching Bible say that you should NOT have sex before marriage (so it's a little harder to predict the ins and outs afterwards) BUT ALSO teach that good sex is the reward of being abstinent. Marriage fixes worries about sex! Totally not real, but that's what they have been sellin' for a while
@@floresmusic2especially if it’s a male that experienced the trauma. Men are taught to be tough and not be emotional. Women are allowed to be vulnerable and cry if they need to. Because of this, women likely have an easier time opening up about such trauma than men do.
he asked if it was always this way and she said no. you may have missed that. it only changed once he opened up to her more. plus older people who get married after middle age usually don't wait very long to marry after dating so it could've been only a few months in that this changed
This man is very lucky that his wife cares that much and wants to be with him enough to do something about it. It's a rare thing and he should cherish it.
There is no one sided pancake here. If you listened to/watched the entire video you would know that Dr John got the woman to go to a lower layers of what is going on and she is doing as much if not more than he is to prevent her having a good sex life. She is very lucky to have a man who has been as patient with her as he has been. He knows that his wife has hurts and issues. She has to stop trying to fix and protect him which is her scapegoat and a facade and start working on herself
@@neechee5150 Sorry my post wasn't clear. I wasn't talking about who was at fault but more like she cares to fix it at all. Some women will just remain passive and not care or start resenting "because men should initiate" or some other BS. She cares to fix the problem and wants more... That's a rare gift.
I'm a woman in a very similar situation (minus the SA). The anxiety, the self doubt, the slow destruction of confidence on my side, feeling like a gross man... oof
I just tired of the rejection - after 16+ years of less and less anything and zero physical intimacy for over 8, I give up. Just a matter of time - marriage Therapy isn't helping to do anything but endlessly talk, push off anything happening and kicking the can down the road.
Marriage counseling rarely works and when it works it's mostly because it was preemptive. It usually involves completely untested methods with a heavy emphasis on how the man is wronging the woman. Also they tend to be dishonest with couples. I got a degree in cognitive science but I minored in psychology. I have friends that are practicing psychologists, therapists, etc. Most of them avoid doing couple's counseling on the request of clients because it's rarely effective. Also don't forget that they are a mediator not the problem solver, the sessions are there just to help you 2 to talk in an open and constructive manner. I hope you are doing well now or that at least things are on an upward trend! If things aren't working out, I'd suggest trying to go to the same practice but individually.
Noone ever said life wouldn't be difficult. Even Jesus said we'd have tribulations. What if the Lord wants you to marry? You going to say no because of old trauma? Jesus is called the Mighty Counselor. The Great Physician.
Her husband is an avoidant, and she was drawn to his avoiding because she is the rescuing-mother role. Avoidants are great servants, horrible husbands/wives. The closer he gets to someone, the more likely he’ll get betrayed & deeply hurt again. He avoids so he doesn’t get hurt. She sees a hurt boy inside the body of a man, and wants to rescue him, he accepts the help, but refuses to give the deepest part of himself, which is why she wants to rescue him.
Ok, my pet peeve, this is one very smart, diverse, thoughtful community, why do some people today say " women" which is plural when talking about a single female " woman? Ive been hearing and seeing this alot, anyway, best wishes to her and stay strong
@@katella thank you so much for replying, I can certainly understand not being a word slave but the older I get the more words mean, I always find it odd mostly people get man is single and men are plural but don't get that woman is single and women is plural, seems almost dismissive. I have dedicated my life's work to the service of others and I ask the universe to allow me to continue as I believe we must do better for a world we must all live in. Again, best wishes and thank you for taking time to reply
@pamforrester844 I'm not old at all but it's one of my pet peeves as well, not even the "they're" thing bothers me as much. However, I disagree with your observation that people get man-men right. I see, clearly very young, people using men as singular in TH-cam comments all the time.
This was hands down the best show of his I’ve ever seen! Tho I cannot relate to this woman how this entire call transpired was just golden and beautiful
That is true when it is possible but often it is not. Many victims of trauma. Keep this kind of stuff, bottled inside out of fear, shame, remorse, and so much more. Sometimes their aim is to simply push through their life without having to deal with it ever again, but rarely, is this the case. This honestly mainly requires trauma therapy not just simply confiding in one another
Obviously, the problem is her. He was married before an d had 3 children. She had issues from her mother running off with dad best friend. They both needs serious therapy.
She could definitely be reacting to his heightened unspoken issue. Many a woman feels & reacts to, or from the emotional upset of the partner , wether they know it or not.
As someone who wasted 9 years with someone who had ZERO interest in sex, or even physical touch, it’s effin HELL and kills your confidence as a woman. That’s what she called about..and half way in to this it hasn’t been addressed. Geeesh..:
I see your point about how this can affect the confidence level. However, I will say that there is simply too much that could be covered here that would not fit within 27 minutes. This requires some continual counseling.
When there's sex in a relationship it's 10% of the relationship. When there's no sex in a relationship it's 90% of the relationship.
wow. you are correct.
Wow I never seen it in this light. Thank you.
@@samia6888 You're welcome.
It’s 90% to the sexually frustrated, zero % to the sexual refuser. It sucks.
@@emontzka if it sucks there isn't a problem is there? Lol.
Sexual abuse is such a horrible thing but parents who sexually abuse their own biological children is mind blowing.
@@marcicisketti4608 So sorry that happened to you. So glad you're working with the sheriff to get your uncle. I listen to Joyce Meyer ministries on youtube. She was sexually abused by her uncle and father. She talks about it a lot to help others. This happens far too often to children. My brother's girlfriend went through the same type of thing. God Bless You. I pray you have peace and strength because you deserve it
Their own children. Period. You don’t have to say biological. Even if it wasn’t biological, it’s the same. Even a nephew/niece. Goodness gracious I don’t get it. Makes me sick
It's about access. Most people, pedoz included, don't really meet a bunch of random kids they're unrelated to
That’s sad but this is not the case the husband had a healthy sex life prior to marrying this woman….he just doesn’t like her like that it’s possible it’s just a afraid to be alone type of move
@@ldv02 It's a demon and I'm serious. My dad molested me at 4 years of age. It wasn't till I was 60 that I could face it. I want to tell you all the Lord Jesus healed my deep pain, self loathing and trauma. My dad was diagnosed schizophrenic but I know it was demonic. I forgave him. He died and I don't know if he ever repented & turned to Christ. Christ is the answer.
You can tell from how she talks that she loves her husband so much. I really feel for her and I hope they get the awesome life they deserve!
she built up walls for him to be normal with her just because he exposed and share his past with her.
She sounds like a heavy cigarette smoker.
@@MineMeMineMeMineMe Huh? Not on her at all. He is gay.
@@littleme3597A lot of women are like this in their marriages too for similar or different reasons. Does that mean they're gay too?
@@littleme3597he’s “gay” because his childhood affected him ?
The woman calling seems super smart. She was connecting many dots in real-time, and also clearly seems engaged to make things work to the best of her abilities. Godspeed to this couple.
She's a people pleaser and a perfectionist, that's why she agrees with John and studied all his material before calling, but she's smart too. She needs to take some initiative for what she wants, though, and not just for what needs to get done. And her husband needs to help in some way, because this is all on her shoulders.
@trianglesandsquares420 u can't put her being upset by his sexual abuse on him in any way shape or form he should not have to help
@dankus.memeokus4192 I think it's more that both need counseling. He needs a therapist to help him through his trauma and so does she. Her being upset is from him being uncomfortable and not being able to voice it to her, this can be worked out with a therapist. Both have valid feelings, it's just an awkward situation that needs to be worked out.
She's Overthinking .
If he is destroyed by what happened in his youth he has to get real about that you can't know something made long term relationships almost impossible and let this woman think it is still possible somehow
She struggles because she starts to view herself as the monster-father who hurt this precious little boy that she loves & her instinct to protect tells her "stop" intimacy to LOVE him...when in actuality, if she can just be his wife & let him be her adult husband, THAT will be the best way to love him, a healing GIFT that nobody else can give! 🎁
Ooooh, well stated!!!
That makes sense. I think letting him be a little bit overpowering in the moment might help her with that. Playful things like your husband picking you up, or holding your arm up and tickling you will definitely make you realize he's NOT a little boy and I'm NOT taking advantage of him. I would recommend she start a playful game with him and then when he wins its like, yeah, he's totally fine.
s@@supernova11711
Yes maybe but also I think she views herself as ugly and probably fat which hurts her self esteem.
@@growing.grounds4054 yes she has her own hurt that she needs to deal with, she needs the touch to feel accepted too
@@growing.grounds4054you pulled this out of ur ass
I love how John says "craving touch". So often sex is equated with intimacy. Sometimes snuggling in front of a fire place is better than sex
I am now a Dr JD fan, this call was excellent, caller & the Doc.
Have ANY OF THE COMMENTORS EVER considered hubby was sexually abused??????????? This left issues which left a lifelong impact on him? THIS IS A HUGE problem for HIM (and now Shae)
I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!
Captain obvious.
Apparently, they haven't. He was sexually abused... possibly raped by his father. The little minds in the comments so far are sad & surprising.
I'm wondering if these issues didn't show while they were dating or early in the marriage.
At least he won't spread his weak genes
Johns comment section has been wack lately tbh
I love the way she talks. Less about feelings and vague details and more about facts, no beating around the bush, just accurate, concise information delivered effectively and as direct as possible. Truly refreshing.
My sister and I were victims of our dad too. I’m 50 years old and had 20 years of therapy. Unfortunately most therapists don’t correctly know how to help incest victims. I found Dr. Susan Foward who is now retired but was an expert in this field. She wrote many books, she saved my life. Praying for this poor man.
there are prayers for fixing divorce and brokenness marriages. Although me and my wife are now back together and our love is even stronger but I was a total mess when she first dumped me.
Another woman who is an incest survivor. Not my father but cousin’s. Regardless this story breaks my heart and is so close to my own.
Wow what is the hardest thing to deal with?
I agree with you, had years of trauma therapy, yes i have healed in a way, learned some tools on how to cope. But sex, was on a different level, and these steps only happen with the person you let in, your love partner. I've read the comments, and some don't seem to understand how this trauma lives on, its like saying to someone who lost an arm (which i have lost function of one arm) goes to see a therapist to accept and grieve and move forward, but what is lost will not be gained back. You will always be different in some areas, being abused by a family member for years, in your young learning years, will have an impact forever.
That's not incest-- it's sexual abuse. Incest is sexual relations between close relatives who are consenting adults. It's actually legal in a few states. A child who is sexually abused by an older sibling, a parent, etc., can't consent to anything. There's a power differential, i.e., it's predatory. That's a crime.
My mother has reframed my childhood sexual abuse by my older brother as incest, e.g., "it's actually really common." This is her attempt to make it seem ubiquitous, and to avoid accountability, etc. She cognitively "normalized" it in her own mind, and attempted to gaslight me for years. It didn't work. From the ages of 5 to 13, I was sexually abused by my older brother and she knew about it. She told me they'd lock him up if I said anything to anyone and his life would be ruined. Meanwhile, it continued. I've removed her from my life. She's sub-human, on every level. Please use the correct language. It's not incest. It's sexual abuse.
I am sorry he did this to you. Sending healing and love to you. ❤️✝️
Yep lots of women are unhappy in sexless marriages. Im tired of it only being portrayed one way around
Both feel miserable in sexless marriages.
At least we know this isn't something that just men deal with.
...and we are fedupwith women endlessly moaning. Grow up.
@@jackdeniston59wow you sound like such a kind person and partner
@@jackdeniston59Sounds as though you could take your own advice.
These open conversations about sex is helping me understand the importance of it in a relationship. I was never abused but I grew up in a family where conversation about sex was taboo. My dad never had a talk with me about this growing up and this resulted in me viewing it as a shameful thing.
I’m 100% in the same boat! I even had to get the sex talk from a friend at school because my parents sure as hell were never gonna do it ☠️
It’s just confusing when u can’t ask ur parents abt any of it because u don’t know what they think the right time is and when it’s ok and when it’s not. Like I’m assuming they want me to wait till marriage but idk for sure 🤷♀️ :p
Same. This lead me to finding out on porn which only messed things up for me more...
No,in a marriage
Not everyone likes sex as much as you think. Idk why you folks overlook that. Some folks don’t like certain foods while others love it. It’s not different with sex. Sex isn’t anything special where everyone loves it and if you think that you’ve watched too many movies.
@@appendix-q6k Thank you. Finally!
One of my best friends who I no longer speak to, was SA by her older brother, her parents did not do ANYTHING about it. She suffered for YEARS, started cheating in her husband due to lack of sex, and went from being an amazing mom and wife to a drug addicted, sex addicted woman who’s living with her “boyfriend,” at his mothers house, as a 40 year old woman!! Trauma is no joke!
poor husband.
@@shanecharles4589 Yeah poor husband. Poor any spouse who gets cheated on. Nothing worse than that kind of betrayal. It's just an abstract thing that you know must be hard, but when it happens to you, then you really feel for them when you hear it.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 right?
@mariyaa111 said, "[She] started cheating [o]n her husband due to lack of sex" Not to diminish what your friend suffered but her husband not giving her sex is not why she went off the deep end and had extramarital affairs. She had the affairs because she wanted to do it period. No excuses. No externalization of blame. She had the affairs because she wanted to and was selfish.
@@neechee5150 victims of childhood abuse have sexual dysfunction. We know trauma remaps the brain. In some cases when mental health is involved he person is to be pitied. Of course everyone feels for the person being cheated on. I've had it happen often but I can have empathy for those who have problems. Can't tar everyone with the same brush
Rejection hurts. We all need to remember this. Wish her the best!
That is disturbing and gross his father verbally and sexually abused his own son.
Captain obvious has joined the chat
Keyboard warrior has joined the chat
Or maybe he made that up to avoid sex with her. I bet he told her she’s the only one he’s confided this to so she’s unable to ask his siblings or his ex wife about it. She’s stuck unless she chooses to leave him. I say, leave.
@@l-train7876 lmaoooo
@@susiesuh1418Agreed.
This caller connected the dots with this call. Just in awe of Dr John.
I went through a relationship where my boyfriend rarely wanted to have sex. I have a very high sex drive, so it was very frustrating for me. Several years later I found out that he’s gay. It explained a lot, but I still wished I had known it wasn’t me at the time.
I am in a similar situation but I don’t get the vibe of him being gay what other signs were there? I have sex many 2-3 times a months and it’s our first 8 months together
Umm, why are you doing that with a man that isnt your husband? What a sick, broken world we live in
@@disco4535You weren't alive when that didn't exist.. if it ever didn't exist.
@@disco4535because other peoples lives arent anyones business
@disco4535 Oh please. Not everyone has your view point or religious beliefs. I don’t ever want to get married, so I’m not allowed to have sex my entire adult life? You sound ridiculous. Get over yourself and realize that there are so many people on this earth and they are not all going to feel the way you do.
totally beautiful example of how our own unhealed wounds prevent us from experiencing a deeper love for each other!
She's living my life from 30 years ago. I wish Dr. Delony then...or someone like him? I loved my husband dearly, but he shut down on me & shut me out. And no woman enjoys always having to be the initiator - just as I'm sure men enjoy not always having to be the initiator. I hope & pray that these two found a way to push thru this. My heart just aches for her.😢
You can tell she is a smart lady. She will figure it out!
Figure out what?
@@Bigguy_33 She has known him since kindergarten. They were friends. Still friends. He is gay.
I can’t imagine only seeing my husband 3-5 days a month. That alone is really hard. Add in sexual issues rooted in abuse and it’s exponentially worse.
There are many marriages who only see each other a few days a month. Over the road truck drivers, pilots, ship captains and crews, some railroad employees. It takes work to make a marriage work, but it really teaches you how to love and appreciate every moment you and your spouse get to spend together.
@Stephanie Zimmerman as a truck driver I approve this. If it's not fire when you get home to that person after that long then you've been doing it wrong.
I pretty much have a list of stuff that needs to be done when together 😆.
That tension build up can be crazy.
Carefull with truckers tho...lots of them cheat. I was married to one. Not doing it again unless we team drive...you don't want something that penicillin can't cure.
@@aqua6613I can see this. Hookers definitely hang out at truck stops and go knocking on all the windows.
You have a man who’s been working for days non stop and hasn’t had sex for weeks and it’s a recipe for disaster.
There’s a reason the prostitutes keep going back and there’s a reason everyone knows that that’s a place to find them.
I couldn't do it. That's tough
@@corrieworou4813 No, most people couldn't do it. Marriage is not supposed to be this way. This woman is sacrificing herself in every way for this man. I get that she really loves him, but it's not much of a marriage for her.
This is the best thing I have ever heard in my life. I’m literally welling up on public transportation because of her story is so relatable
Kudos to this caller for being brave & open. You can tell she loves her husband deeply & wants to work through their issues. She’s willing to humble herself & realize that she has hang ups that may be exacerbating the problem. That’s huge. Great advice from John. It’s so very nuanced. But he’s right modeling a healthy marriage is the best gift you can give to your kids. And absolutely do not push your spouse to give details of their past abuse. Just reassure them that you care & don’t wanna do anything to trigger uncomfortable feelings. The ball is in his court with that. Hope this lady realizes she’s worthy of genuine physical intimacy. And her husband doesn’t need her to be his mother.
Thats a super valid concern wanting to know how not to trigger Him . Each survivor has a " just dont do this" list . She should ask . Often its not an act so much as a small detail - like dont whisper, or dont grab a their arms etc.
THIS^^^^ as a sexual abuse and rape survivor it’s important to really just have clear communication with someone before engaging in intimacy
Where there's a will, there's a way. Where there's genuine mutual love, you will find the way.
I thought my parents were the worst but to abuse sexually Your Own children is unimaginable 😢
As
That happened to my friend in HS but I didn't know it at the time. Her mom thought it was normal. He siblings denied it.
I don't know how you came to the idea to start a TH-cam channel, but this is genius
God this is so incredibly sad. I feel for her and her hubby.
Girl you dont need his story... I have a husband who doesnt remember all of the s* abuse or who did it... He was too young. My trick with him and it works is litterally hugging naked or a lot of hugs and we talk about other things, because my situation was so bad he didnt want to be touch in some area while having sex.. He even had to have his therapist say it okay to give yourself the permission to fantasize about women without feeling guilty or disgusted about having those urges! Something just click and relieved him ! Often they dont voice so many thing because they are AFRAID ! That power of their body being their own has been taken away and society's taboo about how bad male sexual abuse is is also such weight on their shoulders. This Dr. Delony gives you awsome advice, but I would add dont give yourself the pressure that you have to compensate for what sex represent for him! I feel you - a wife of a survivor of sexual abuse. You'll get there in time!!
Somebody pin this comment! She needs to hear this.
Another vastly underrated comment
Thank you for sharing this
No lady, you didn't need your husband's story. You can't deny what her husband might need
I think this shae woman is a codependent it's like she knows he will reject her and push her away and she wants to figure out how to win him over and save him
Good for her 👏 just opening up like that is a brave thing to do. I hope all of this works out for both of them.
She sounds like an absolutely wonderful woman. I admire her persistence in trying to make her marriage better. And that’s coming from a guy who doesn’t necessarily believe in marriage.
O man. She sounds like such a good woman. In her voice
Dr. John!!! You have given me such a cathartic realization. This was truly beautiful. You have such a beautiful, soft & gentle way of ‘breaking the news’ to the caller. Thank you! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
It was really impressive to see a councillor drill into this person with such precision!
I feel for this women, this is so heart breaking.
Same, although I can’t relate, can’t get my husband off me. But I can hear her pain and can see how any woman would feel so rejected in her place
What an awesome courageous caring woman. She's truly a blessing to him.
Wow this story went full circle.
So happy she called.
I think you really opened a window for her. One she never knew existed
Dr. John, bless you a hundred-fold for your patience and wisdom on this call. You touched way more lives than you think.
Child centered parenting is often an excuse to avoid facing relationship challenges. Regardless of that successful healthy marriages always provide the foundation for healthy successful kids. Focus on God, marriage and kids in that order and everything will work better.
It's normal. Your kids come first. The only challenge is that it leads to grey divorces because by the time the kids leave the nest, couples have grown apart and it's often not worth reconnecting but a lot easier to start over with zero baggage, zero resentment, etc
We are MOMMY! in the end!😂
Dr. John did a great job of advising this woman, and she did a great job of articulating her concerns and digesting John's feedback. This was a very productive call, and I hope that translates to her relationship and sex life with her husband.
Nothing lonelier than being with someone you have no connection with
It sounds like they have a connection for sure. They have love and good communication. There are different types of connections.
I think connecting on an emotional level is more important and necessary to have before you’re able to connect sexually. So they have half of the equation, they just have to work on the rest. Show me a marriage that’s perfect. These two have a lot more than many.
Nothing more lonely thank thinking the only way to feel connected to a person is sex 🤷🏾♀️
@@videofan1010I think you’re both right- both are lonely. Maybe combine both of y’all’s thoughts- nothing lonely than feeling so connected emotionally or personality or chemistry-wise with someone on one level, and wanting or needing the physical sexual component and without it, feeling so totally unconnected on another level 😢❤
Connecting is not only via sex. Intellectual and love are connection too.
I feel bad for her. I’m hoping they can resolve this and their marriage can be great in that department.
I hope Shae calls back so we can hear our their relationship is going. I pray he can work through his abuse and heal. ❤🙏🕊️
Dr. John is amazing in navigating these tough questions & scenarios. I can learn a lot from others' struggles even when it doesn't apply to me. Bottom line, sexual abuse/physical or otherwise messes someone up for a lifetime. I even think that therapy cannot totally get rid of the deep wounds inflicted by others as a child. It is a very hard road to go with that kind of past.
Therapy doesn’t get rid of anything. It gives people coping mechanisms and strategies to process and divert your thoughts but nothing can take something like that away.
It can help but it’s a LOT of work also.
Please don't push forward the idea that those of us who were used as a sexual device by our narcissistic parents are damaged goods best left alone. How cruel are you? We deserve love, loving touch, orgasm like every other human being.
John gets the crown for king of analogies.
Loved the end of the call where Dr John reminded her she is worth being loved. I was a parent to my mom too. And, molested by a teenage babysitter and hid it to keep from hurting my mom... it's been a wild ride. I'm single and dating in my 40's. It's hard. I keep wanting to latch onto people who can't really be there for me... I'm glad I have good friends to help me analyze and stop wasting time in unfulfilling relationships.
I do love the envelope idea. I hope they try it.
You should try therapy. That sounds hard.
There’s another side to that coin you haven’t even discovered yet.
So we go for people that can’t or won’t love us back because that’s what we’ve learned love is.
But once you DO find someone that DOES…you struggle to stay interested! We’re trained to always be chasing something we can’t have but then when we get it, it looses its shine and we have no idea what to even do with it anymore.
I’m telling you this because it’s good to be aware of it.
All relationships have ebb and flow but you’re probably going to experience this at some point.
Pick a good one, make a commitment and stick it out. You’ll figure it out.
I’m married now to a wonderful man who I very much love but I had to push through that phase. I recognized it for what it was and refused to let my trauma continue running my life.
Best wishes to you.
She's been rejected. If not in actuality in her mind, I can relate to this (as a man). You want to believe it's a natural occurrence when/if your less initiating spouse starts it up. But, if you've argued or had issues about it you may go along with it but you'll have a thought of "is this genuine or pity" in the back of your mind.
From the other perspective please know that a lot can go into this. Your wife can love you and be attracted to you while still struggling with sex.
Our hormones really screw with us. They are constantly changing throughout the month then slap children and menopause into the mix and…it’s a roller coaster! Your side is difficult for SURE but so is it difficult for us to live with or try to explain to our husbands.
Then, on top of that, there’s almost always one partner with a higher sex drive (man or woman). What that means (in a way most people don’t think about it) is that that person will always “build up faster”.
For me, I try my best to satisfy my husband but it’s hard for him when I don’t have the same passion in the bedroom. The problem is that, in order for me to get there, we’d have to have less sex…which he doesn’t want either lol!
It’s not as though I don’t enjoy it or enjoy expressing that intimacy with my husband, it’s just that I’m never at the point that I “need it” because his drive is higher. So it always takes me a bit longer to get into it. I don’t throw myself at him but do try to initiate sometimes because I do want him to feel desirable.
This is just one perspective though and every relationship is different. I just wrote all of that in the off chance it might help you in some small way.
It’s not always because the person doesn’t love you or find you attractive and desirable. It isn’t pity. I don’t “pity” my husband, not at all. I want to satisfy him because I love him. I understand that we’re different and want for us both to be happy in the relationship.
You telling yourself that is your own inner dialogue and it’s not helping you and very likely not what your partner is feeling at all. Be kinder to yourself maybe? She’s with you for a reason.
@@supernova11711That's a very mature take on this! Even though you and your husband don't have equal sex drive, he is lucky to have you.
@@supernova11711 most rational and reasonable comment I've read in this channel so far
Hope both you and your husband are going strong
Literally. My ex only ever initated a handful of times. Pretty sure the pill is the only reason she ever expressed she loved me
@@theprodigalson4003 So, another gay person. Lesbian? I noticed, EX. I am almost 80. I learned a lot the hard way.
Therapists can't help. I am a woman.
. A strong marriage is the foundation of the family. Also, is it possible he has a sex or porn addiction where he is gratifying himself outside the marriage? This can be a problem for sex abuse survivors. Sex/porn addicts are very good at keeping it secret and gaslighting. The spouse often feels unattractive, and they can't put the finger on it or understand what changed. They thought things were perfect, and now this. Also, that may be the very reason he moved away-he can act out with much less chance of being caught AND he doesn't have to "talk about the issues" if he's not there. I just think there is something more going on here, and I think you do, too. Find out now.
It's def possible... but I dunno his wife Shae does seem to genuinely love him very much, she is begging for sex don't know many men that would rather masturbate when they have a woman that is so into them.
Porn addiction is a monster though, and it can be easy to hide.
Great job, Delony!! The call was about the husband but you turned it around and found the problem!
She is such a strong woman. To be honest, and I am very selfish for this, I can't handle a person with a past like that. I just cant.
SAME!
If you can't you can't. Doesn't make you a bad person. I took on way more than I could handle with past relationships and it doesn't do either party any good in the long run. If you have the self awareness to know you can't handle it before hand that's great and you save yourself a lot of trouble.
its better to acknowledge that when ur outside of it
I don't think anyone would blame you, but I'd encourage you to look at it less about having a past, and about having an unhealed past. Someone who has healed from it and has largely become a healthy functional person is going to have minimal issues, while someone who hasn't really healed from it much at all is going to have a host of issues. Sometimes a person who was damaged in the best could be the best partner you will ever find, they have so much love to give.
@@DodgaOfficial That is a fantastic take!!
I, too, was a "my childhood was perfect" person😅 that glass shattered HARD.
After telling the background of her husband's life and herself, I can understand why sex is the last thing on his mind....
It’s not the last thing in his mind . You missed the entire message …😊
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 Apparently you're the one missing a lot ...
@@mirabella2154 they had hot sex when they first met. Explain that….
@@mirabella2154 Also, when he motions for sex she starts yo accuse him in her mind that he really doesn’t want it. She’s the problem, not his abuse from childhood. We can’t stay victims our entire lives. If his childhood was truly the issue then he has failed to get help and he’s responsible to GET help!!! Or stay SINGLE!!
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 Apart from the fact that you are contradicting yourself, it seems you are projecting. Maybe you should get help yourself before suggesting others to get it.
THIS CALL. This one shows how genius Dr.Jon is. This is a very intelligent caller too. Love this one, man you’re changing lives! It really makes me want to pursue this career, I’ve wanted to for forever but 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, wow. I hope you do it.
Wow, Dr John you absolutely nailed it here. Was fascinating and fantastic to actually witness this breakthrough as you helped this woman achieve it.
Its wild that I can actually relate to this experience. When I found out my ex (in relationship at that time) had childhood trauma, I felt the need to distance myself from her for a time (physicaly, not emotionall). I actually felt guilty seeing her in a sexual way given what she had gone through.
I don't think its bad to be empathetic towards your partner, but we still have to listen to how they actually feel, rather than trying to read more into it.
PLANNING INTIMACY…. Let me tell you… it is a fire 🔥 builder!!! People that complain about it … need to practice more. It’s incredibly desire building, to discuss… and plan … and get excited that THE moment is going to happen soon!
If you have trouble with putting on the calendar because “it’s boring” … work a little bit more on your creativity… boring people are boring… if you don’t know what to do … learn … you can learn a lot just by calling or texting about the upcoming time.
I’m constantly wondering why anyone says planning is boring… you’re building a 🔥 fire and dang it can be unbelievably hot!
I’m almost 54. I’ve been through a thing or two … plan intimacy… when your friends say it’s boring… tell them “what?!?!!! “ because you are creative enough… and can live in the excitement of planning before it happens… and when it happens… may not go as planned! And sometimes for the better!!! It’s an opening for creativity… people who only go on spontaneity… are at the core …
Not that spontaneous…
Much love … plan it with your partner… your relationship deserves it and so do you! ❤
What a great conversation John. You really helped this woman. Thank you for taking all the time necessary to help her💙🙏💯
My heart aches for them both. Both need self compassion, compassion for each other & help. Way easier said than done I know.
Its terrible....but there is a possibility that her husband is struggling with his sexuality...caused by the abuse
Coming from someone who didn’t have a mother figure, it’s very hard to embrace your femininity when you don’t have that. Especially during puberty. I could relate to her feeling like a man, she was basically only raised by her father. ❤
He must be a terrific father if she grew up thinking her childhood was great.
@@monkeybanana9269or this is the story that was to presented to the public. The mask
he is broken and he haven't heal from his past.... sad but serious ....... I pray that God give her ..... her desire.
I think some men suffer from low T and never adress it or think about it. In my late 30s women have hire sex drive while men slow down
Low T is way less prevalent than people believe. The nonsense is mostly pushed by people who want to sell some product to men. Its about 2% of men under 50, and 5% of all men. So youd have to be really unlucky to be one of the 1 in 50 younger men
After their mid 20's, men's Testosterone levels drop 2% a year . Plus other complicating health issues of blood pressure , heart issues , circulation issues , enlarged prostrate , etc increase with age .
Yes , women do maintain peak levels +/- 10 years longer, but then the drop off is steeper .
Implied from the ages of the children, the caller would be at least mid 40's , and he's at least the same .
Hmmm ... My husband is 45, I am 42. He wants it once a month or less, and I want it 3-4 times/day... We checked the T level, and it is in the normal range, a bit of average. No kiss, no hugs, no intimacy at all...
@@xdxdxdxd4575 sounds like an attraction issue. When a partner is not attracted, they lose sexual attraction and don’t want physical contact. Maybe they have attraction to someone else.
@@Gentilejediit's not necessarily an issue of attraction and I'm speaking from personal experience. I was also in a situation with my ex wife where over time I simply lost more and more desire to have s*x with her. I also got myself tested for lower testosterone levels but they were within normal range for my age, which is early 40's. However, there was also an ever growing level of stress and anxiety for me due to our living situation and lifestyle, something that simply didn't sit well with me. My stress and anxiety for worse and worse over time and it coincided with me wanting s*x less and less. This eventually led to divorce, however, my libido has completely bounced back since, and it's mainly due to essentially being back in my element in terms of what makes me function the best, as a person. I need lots of exercise and live in conditions that resonate with me. This is exactly what I'm doing now and it honestly makes me feel as if I have been almost reborn. But going back to my ex wife. I never thought of her as less attractive in any way but it's different to actually having a desire to engage in s*x.
Good sex will keep 2 people who don’t like each other together.
Bad sex will break up a loving couple.
Unfortunately thats the truth!
I wish we could get an update on this 8 months later lol. I'm so curious, considering the amount of people in sexless marriages.
What a thoughtful and smart girl. I have one of those and she has helped me through countless things, so I believe you can do it.
Sexual abuse takes away that choice from the survivor. For us, the act is an ugly thing especially when your touching areas that our abuser touched. Intimacy is difficult for me because I cannot orgasm, sometimes disdain physical touch or displays of affection. That was affecting relationships so I had to choose to be single the past 6 years, no contact, so I can heal. As much as I now desire that companionship/human connection, I dread that if I do find a guy, I may not respond to him.
I explained to my daughter last year what happened to me because she's a very affectionate child and couldnt understand why I couldnt hug her and show her that affection. Now, we have worked on it and we're better, she doesn't just touch me, she asks "mommy is it ok for me to have a hug or can I lay next to you?" Sometimes I say yes immediately and sometimes I tell her give me a second just to mentally prepare myself to be touched. Touches make my skin crawl.
Something was taken from me at age 6, and that is a pain at 37 I still fight when the memories come but I've learnt to be present with it and cry for that child.
how were you able to have a child?
@@jones2277 because I was labeled as "weird" as a child I never had a consensual act until 19, tried to act normal and I had to force myself to just do it. I took my daughter's father to counseling with me so my therapist could explain to him certain things, when I opened up and explained to him that my skin literally crawls sometimes when he touches me, he got mad and wouldn't go back to the sessions. The attempt was for him to understand what I was dealing with but I think it was too much for him.
@@RachelReaiah it's really messed up that he didn't stick by you.
@@jones2277 I can own my part in the demise of the relationship. Going through that healing phase brought out a lot of anger and resentment that he wasn't responsible for and it was just not good. Facing trauma and healing is hard
Raquel, you need to get serious help. I'm very concerned about your child's mental health when she has to ask for a hug abd she sees you clench up. Your problem sounds much bigger than you can handle alone. I hope she has regular contact with her father.
I have a girl friend who is the higher desire partner because her husband was falsely accused of rape in high school and struggles because of that. It's a huge problem when abuse has an effect.
So stay a victim his whole life ? Unbelievable!
he needs therapy or he'll drive his wife away.
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 did I say to stay a victim? I said it causes problems is all. It's valid to have reprocussions from abuse.
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 it is very difficult to work through that stuff on your own without professional help
And not every one can afford professional help
@@rachelgee7894 it’s causing problems because he isn’t getting help . So she will have to suffer . He is putting her through that… what a great guy.
Whaaaoohow - Deloney - playing the long game of patience for the win 🥇 🏆 here. Way to find the stud before you hit the nail. Nice work.
This episode and call was kind of poetic. Amazing.
I can’t speak on the sexual abuse part so excluding that part, as the man in the relationship if you know your wife has high desire for sex, you have to go out of your way as the man to go get help from a professional that gets you all the help you need in order to mentally and physically have great sex. Just that simple, most men who have bad sex never go out of there way to figure out how to get better. You got to make the effort to go get help. Don’t be that guy who just sits there an accepts it. I don’t tolerate bad sex on my part. I always make sure I’m prepared mentally and physically to make sure I’m performing at the highest level. But again can’t speak on the abuse side of things because I’ve never experienced something like that.
Nicely put
🎉
13:20 man my heart shatters for that woman, such a sad feeling and her voice
Someone doesn’t have to have been abused to feel sexually rejected by their partner. When asexual people marry a partner who is not asexual, it can also create problems like this. Many married people go YEARS without physical intimacy of any kind, and it’s no wonder that it leads to inevitable divorce.
I wonder if this guy is messed up on two levels, one is obviously the trauma he endured, but the other is that he learned to associate male sexuality with abuse. So as the male in the relationship, he's terrified of BECOMING that monster. He doesn't want to initiate because he doesn't want to come anywhere close to being dominating and risk hurting someone the way he was hurt. Gosh, what a complicated situation.
I’d like to add that her “taking care of business” on her own when necessary is super exciting for the spouse!!
Only when they take care of that business using the specific guidelines and leadership structure of the New Testament. If that happens and Jesus Christ our Lord is honored and glorified through all of it, then the husband needs to sign off on all the details. Involving the board of pastors wives at their local church is also a wise decision.
If you no longer have the desire to take care of business, that’s a red flag that pride and disobedience were likely the only reason you were attracted to such perversion. Get saved obviously since you weren’t genuinely a real Christian to begin with. 🤣🤣
WOW!!! Great call!!! Some pretty serious layers pulled back during that call revealing the root of the problem. Nice job to John and Shay! Amazing
doing this on a radio show is f'n wild.
i'd leave my woman she put me on blast like this...
As a newly married woman who struggles with the same thoughts, this episode helped me as well!
Best video of the series in my opinion. I am doing a PhD on history of incest in france (20th century) and lately came across those issues in my personal life. I relate so much to this woman. And I love John’s tips and his joke 😂
She's really hurting. I feel for her. I really think this is an attack from the enemy, the devil. She's devastated because she loves him. She's devastated because it's triggering old childhood wounds.
Spot ON John !!!! You catch her hiccups so quick. Love your shows❤
My question is how did this issue not come up before they got married?
Exactly
Probably because statistically people who have gone through this level of trauma rarely talk about it due to shame, fear, remorse, contempt, and so much more. Sometimes they will never talk about it and sometimes they’ll open up about it much later in life when they realize they can’t keep it in anymore.
Because a lot of the folks who are teaching Bible say that you should NOT have sex before marriage (so it's a little harder to predict the ins and outs afterwards) BUT ALSO teach that good sex is the reward of being abstinent. Marriage fixes worries about sex! Totally not real, but that's what they have been sellin' for a while
@@floresmusic2especially if it’s a male that experienced the trauma. Men are taught to be tough and not be emotional. Women are allowed to be vulnerable and cry if they need to. Because of this, women likely have an easier time opening up about such trauma than men do.
he asked if it was always this way and she said no. you may have missed that. it only changed once he opened up to her more. plus older people who get married after middle age usually don't wait very long to marry after dating so it could've been only a few months in that this changed
This man is very lucky that his wife cares that much and wants to be with him enough to do something about it. It's a rare thing and he should cherish it.
There is no one sided pancake here. If you listened to/watched the entire video you would know that Dr John got the woman to go to a lower layers of what is going on and she is doing as much if not more than he is to prevent her having a good sex life. She is very lucky to have a man who has been as patient with her as he has been. He knows that his wife has hurts and issues. She has to stop trying to fix and protect him which is her scapegoat and a facade and start working on herself
@@neechee5150 Sorry my post wasn't clear. I wasn't talking about who was at fault but more like she cares to fix it at all. Some women will just remain passive and not care or start resenting "because men should initiate" or some other BS. She cares to fix the problem and wants more... That's a rare gift.
Oh my gosh. I pray totally healing for this couple at the root. Jesus help. 😭♥🙏🏽
John is amazing at getting to the root of the problem.
Wow. What an amazing call.❤
This session has been SO enlightening. It helped me so much. Thank you.
I love this call soo much!! The envelope thing is fantastic idea!
I'm a woman in a very similar situation (minus the SA). The anxiety, the self doubt, the slow destruction of confidence on my side, feeling like a gross man... oof
He is a porn addict, full stop. I’ve seen it a million times. He prefers porn and masterbation to sex with a human.
I did it for 5 years. He is gay.
Never felt safety in his body..... Wow that hits home
I’m so sorry Justin that you can relate to that. I feel the same way sometimes
I just tired of the rejection - after 16+ years of less and less anything and zero physical intimacy for over 8, I give up. Just a matter of time - marriage Therapy isn't helping to do anything but endlessly talk, push off anything happening and kicking the can down the road.
Marriage counseling rarely works and when it works it's mostly because it was preemptive. It usually involves completely untested methods with a heavy emphasis on how the man is wronging the woman. Also they tend to be dishonest with couples.
I got a degree in cognitive science but I minored in psychology. I have friends that are practicing psychologists, therapists, etc. Most of them avoid doing couple's counseling on the request of clients because it's rarely effective. Also don't forget that they are a mediator not the problem solver, the sessions are there just to help you 2 to talk in an open and constructive manner.
I hope you are doing well now or that at least things are on an upward trend! If things aren't working out, I'd suggest trying to go to the same practice but individually.
I have the same issue and decided to stay single because it’s extremely frustrating
Noone ever said life wouldn't be difficult. Even Jesus said we'd have tribulations. What if the Lord wants you to marry? You going to say no because of old trauma? Jesus is called the Mighty Counselor. The Great Physician.
Please see a qualified therapist or sex therapist.
This call really got to me. I relate to her so much. Thanks
@DMUnCut...me too.
Me too 🫂
Her husband is an avoidant, and she was drawn to his avoiding because she is the rescuing-mother role. Avoidants are great servants, horrible husbands/wives. The closer he gets to someone, the more likely he’ll get betrayed & deeply hurt again.
He avoids so he doesn’t get hurt. She sees a hurt boy inside the body of a man, and wants to rescue him, he accepts the help, but refuses to give the deepest part of himself, which is why she wants to rescue him.
Given this information , how on earth do avoidants even wind up in marriages??
@@coconutwater4531 Because they want to be chased.
I’m an avoidant. I have learned and still learn everyday to be present, intentional available. Quite frankly, your stereotypes suck.
I’m an incest survivor and after many years of therapy, it is a lifelong struggle. This poor guy needs correct therapy for this type of abuse.
My go to coping is avoiding...agoraphobia bring my biggest issue, I am not a horrible wife or mother... I am also no servant...😒
Dam. When he said about the kids having to prop them up but they can’t, that hit home!
Ok, my pet peeve, this is one very smart, diverse, thoughtful community, why do some people today say " women" which is plural when talking about a single female " woman? Ive been hearing and seeing this alot, anyway, best wishes to her and stay strong
Having trouble with empathy Pam?
@@katella thank you so much for replying, I can certainly understand not being a word slave but the older I get the more words mean, I always find it odd mostly people get man is single and men are plural but don't get that woman is single and women is plural, seems almost dismissive. I have dedicated my life's work to the service of others and I ask the universe to allow me to continue as I believe we must do better for a world we must all live in. Again, best wishes and thank you for taking time to reply
@pamforrester844 I'm not old at all but it's one of my pet peeves as well, not even the "they're" thing bothers me as much. However, I disagree with your observation that people get man-men right. I see, clearly very young, people using men as singular in TH-cam comments all the time.
This was hands down the best show of his I’ve ever seen! Tho I cannot relate to this woman how this entire call transpired was just golden and beautiful
It's important to talk about these issues before making a lifelong commitment.
That is true when it is possible but often it is not. Many victims of trauma. Keep this kind of stuff, bottled inside out of fear, shame, remorse, and so much more. Sometimes their aim is to simply push through their life without having to deal with it ever again, but rarely, is this the case. This honestly mainly requires trauma therapy not just simply confiding in one another
Obviously, the problem is her. He was married before an d had 3 children. She had issues from her mother running off with dad best friend. They both needs serious therapy.
@@coureenlawrence4915 Ha ha. The problem is him. Gay. gay have children too.
@@littleme3597that never crossed my mind, but anything is possible these days.
I'm glad he asked about why she felt ugly when she initiated and asked her to take ownership instead of blaming him and his past.
She could definitely be reacting to his heightened unspoken issue. Many a woman feels & reacts to, or from the emotional upset of the partner , wether they know it or not.
"Everything makes me awkward!"
*awkward clap / hand drop*
... Yeaaah, yeah okay buddy I see it now. You're not wrong 🤣
I'm curious how the first wife handled this 🤔 this isn't his first rodeo.
That's probably why she is an X for a reaso
It ended for a reason.
I wondered same
probably handled it with a divorce
Listen they had three kids and I doubt they did it on the first try so I am pretty sure the problem is more in her mind than his
As someone who wasted 9 years with someone who had ZERO interest in sex, or even physical touch, it’s effin HELL and kills your confidence as a woman. That’s what she called about..and half way in to this it hasn’t been addressed. Geeesh..:
She's in denial. He is not attracted to her.
I see your point about how this can affect the confidence level. However, I will say that there is simply too much that could be covered here that would not fit within 27 minutes. This requires some continual counseling.
When men want sex you women complain
Happens to men too. My marriage is proof of that.
Audrey; He is gay. We had therapy, single, together, exercises, bla bla. Tapes to listen to, mantras to say. EXHAUSTING.