That’s my family, Mary. I now understand I’m much healthier than my abusive family but the grief I’ve experienced has been profound. I also developed very serious health problems after more than a decade of being ostracized & shunned. Now I find I don’t have much interest in making amends or seeing my abusers again. Life is much more peaceful without these individuals in my life. Merry Christmas to you. 🎁🎄🌹
I have done quite a few Christmas 's alone. It's painful but better to be changing my lifes connections. I'm staying in a hotel with a pool on my own this yr & will get some nice food but i will feel lonely. You are wonderful to share these caring videos❤. Thank you I'm so glad not to be so alone in the world💙💚 ps, I have serious life long health conditions as well from childhood but manage to make a quality of life. I'm 60 so I'm used to no family support but not easy. Love to all you dear scapegoats out there💗
Sorry for your misfortune, Fifi. I have little family left, and the relationship with those left is hanging by a thread. I'm hanging on to the relationship largely for the sake of the younger generation of relatives, who are innocent of any wrongdoing and who I view as my descendants, as I have no children of my own.
I spend xmas alone as I'm in no contact with my own family members. I'm not missing anything. I love the peace and calm of my life now, not just at xmas. I cook for myself on xmas day, watch tv, listen to podcasts, read... all without criticism or judgement or fear. However, I too had to go through the grief bit and it was a horrible period of grief - very much a dark night of the soul that left me wondering at times how on earth I could carry on. All I could do was trust myself enough to feel all the painful feelings and eventually they settled down. Life is so much better now I'm out the other side of it. I feel in that process I've reclaimed myself. My 'family' are now the people who write in comments sections like this. Peaceful Christmas to you all 🙂
Happy Christmas to you Zoe, a year later, 12/25/23. I suppose I am one of the friends you mention. It’s a shame we’ve been forced against our greatest wishes otherwise to be in such a position. God bless you and be well and peaceful & I join you in feeling the relief of no longer being harmed by just terribly sick people. There is so much grief but still way better than being around abusers. 🌹💕
Because I have gone no contact, I buy my own presents at Christmas and I wrap them up too. I also prepare my own dinner. So, it turns out that I get all the presents I wanted, I get to eat the best piece of chicken, and all of the movies I watch that day are my favorite. It's like a private party with no arguments or fights....just peaceful!
I recently moved overseas, after being made scapegoat. This is my first Christmas without them - my entire immediate family have rejected me. I moved to this country without knowing a soul here. but it was better than staying in the toxic situation. I met a friend here who said I can come for christmas. Thanks for your videos.
You are such a brave soul for doing so...what country did you move to, if I may ask? I'm thinking of doing the same once I'm healed and on better financial footing..
I'm glad x I moved country in 2016 been here since, it can be overwhelming but at least you are safe from them. I have had low contact but a week ago I cut contact due to well the abusive comments and I just have a clean slate right now. You'll be ok and your doing better than I am you have a friend :) I wish you a peace filled, happy Christmas and all the good things in this world to come to you.
Miss Mary, Oh love. I was sitting here crying when you were speaking about the fire and belonging. I then looked over at the screen and saw "the way you were treated by your sick family is not your fault." That made me stop crying and start laughing. Us scapegoats who will be alone for Christmas should try to connect with other scapegoats who don't want or can't be around their family of origin this year. My mental health is too precious to be around my family this year or any year for that matter. I just found your channel and I love you and your content. Big hugs from Northern California.
Sit with your grief - offer it comfort - and then go have a cup of tea. It's been 10 years since I've had Christmas with my family, and yes, it took a long time to grieve and feel joy on this day, however, this year - I've never felt better.... You can't help others (emotionally) until you have your own feet under you...."Put your own oxygen mask on first" like the flight attendant reminds us. Be gentle with yourself- grief is 3 steps forward, 2 steps back at times....you're going to be ok! Merry Christmas! 🎄
This will be my 10th Christmas alone, by choice, which I originally started doing because I do not partake or participate with Christmas in any way. I went no contact with the family 3 years ago and thought Christmas would no problem, as I had being doing it alone and ignoring the holiday season completely anyway. I was shocked to find that I went downhill that first Christmas after no contact! Even though I didn't want to be with them, I was grieving what I thought I had and Christmas after no contact felt very final. My depression returned in the weeks afterwards and I immediately went back to counselling, because I actually had feelings of taking my own life, which thankfully I was able to work through with my counsellor. The following Christmas was absolutely fine and this year I will be not doing Christmas by myself, doing my own thing, which I prefer. There was an extremely violent Christmas in my family past, involving a chainsaw, and every other Christmas was hell also. For this reason, I have always had difficulty with the season and these days I just completely ignore it. I'm vegetarian,don't drink, don't watch TV or movies, hate excess consumerism and I'm not a Christian,so I don't fit in with Christmas with anyone,especially in Ireland! I'm very content to have my own day alone in peace! 😁
Thank you for your vulnerable share. i can so relate to what you said - I don't drink much, don't eat much sugar, don't eat meat or fish, I'm not religous in any way, shape or form and the execessive consumerism pains me - i'm on the same page as you there. the holiday feels very alien to me. i much prefer to celebrate dec 21st - the winter solstace.
This is so interesting to read. I am a vegan, don’t have a television or computer, am uncomfortable with excess consumerism and no longer consider myself a Christian. I am in Washington State on the west coast of North America and I, too, have no plans for celebrating the holidays. I do love the Winter Solstice now since I learned from Dr Who that it means we are “halfway out of the dark.” Thank you for sharing. 💜
Sometimes it is still lonely on that day. I'm no longer a Christian but Christmas was never really a Christian holiday. It is a pagan tradition to celebrate the winter solstice.
I loved spending Christmas alone. Why? I ate what I want Watched what I want And it was so peaceful Not walking on egg shells Not buying presents Not getting presents especially money because getting labeled as greedy sucks Getting labeled as Broke sucks..yes I had no money because my mother took or better said stole all my hard earned money. .unfortenatelly my Rock, best friend my father..he died as I was 16yo and suddenly there was noone anymore to love me. And yes I Grieve what I, truth be told, never had, exept of my father and if relatives die..am I sad?yes, and that's normal still I do not glorify these deceased because I know how they made me feel..but I allow myself to acknowledge that others grieve so that is the most Respekt I can give.
Feeling this so hard right now...I just moved out of my home with my narcissistic older sister and into my very first apartment. I'm happy to be free of her toxic, manipulative, and gaslighting abuse, but I grieve because she is the only family I have left (parents both passed, extended family not close) I've never been too big on holidays, but this one will be my first truly alone, which is both comforting and saddening at the same time. Will probably gift myself a kitten for Christmas this year...
Think about rescuing an older cat who no one wants from the shelters....and to get your kitten fix, volunteer to shelter a Mother cat and watch cover her as she gives birth, it is life-changing ❤❤❤
They save lives. I’m spending my birthday alone and found this video. When I feel like I can’t go on and have a plan, I can’t because of my pets. Who would care for them like me, what would they do, they would be terrified so I keep going. Plus, if it weren’t for my knucklehead cats, I just wouldn’t smile much right now but no matter my feelings and mood I bust out laughing multiple times a day. They need me, so I stay another day. So glad I didn’t have children. This Ends With Me!!!
Christmas has been a horrible obligation for too long. This is my first Christmas alone in almost 45 years. I'm relieved more than anything. I feel like I was forced to do Christmas with the threat of it being "the Last Christmas " before someone might die. I'm so done.
I was actually told by my female parent that I wasn't like my siblings and to keep myself to my husband and son.I actually remember saying to her don't you realise how much that hurts me! Obviously a complete waste of time! After that I was isolated by my family.But crazily still kept contact with my female parent.This had a profound affect on my physical and mental health and its only since my female parent died that I have begun to start trying to recover with the help of a therapist. Since then a couple of my siblings have made contact, which I have ignored. I realise that I am healthier and happier without any contact.
Anyone can be an incubator, it takes someone extraordinary to be an amazing Mother. kudos to you for being a great example to your son by drawing your line in the sand.
I wish I wasn't broke as well. I wish I could rent a private dinning room and host a family dinner for all the scapegoats wandering in my neck of the woods I'd love it. We could have a karaoke party afterwards and sing all the songs that helped us survive.
That sounds like a great idea. One of the songs that I loved after coming through a mental breakdown was 'I'm Still Standing' by Elton John. They used to play it at my local swimming pool, which was another healing thing I did. That was over thirty years ago now and I've had another breakdown since then but each time after going through the pain it's been a revelation of learning. Bullying is a terrible thing. It does so much damage. We're the lucky ones who are surving and 'still standing'! :)
I’m totally with you on the tritation of grief! It’s taken decades of honest talk with myself to allow that grieving process- I was always blamed for upsetting my mother’s partner, who had psychologically terrorised me during my childhood, my mother turning a blind eye and then having a smear campaign about me broadcasted to the rest of my family most living in Germany, me in England. It turned all extended family including loving grandparents before they died going against me! Except one of my cousins who, when visiting saw and acknowledged what was really going on. It’s the clear sighted child that is threatened yet we still believe on some level we have to defend ourselves and enlighten others. It’ll never work. So I’ve gradually released a lot of deep emotional pain over the years, and am now releasing somatic dysfunction which is in my case autoimmune disease. It comes out with a feverish state- the trick is to parent yourself in a tender loving way! I now feel so much peace and gratitude when I’m with me, it’s like a love affair.
I am relating to your experience here. Self-compassion has saved me, but, I still feel the weight of the injustice, the sad reality that every single one of my cousins has heard from my mother that I shouted at her, that I abused her, well, I don't really know exactly what they've heard, but I do know that I was getting the cold shoulder in the cousins' whatsapp group. And two aunts did not respond to simple texts I sent to thank them for what they sent to my kids. At first it felt like such an enormous loss. Only with a bit of distance do I realise that not one reached out to me to ask if I was ok. Not one of the aunts or uncles suggested to my mother that she TALK to me. All supported her giving me the silent treatment and the silent treatment has spread. I've been written out. I know the character of me, ie, my sense of myself is stronger than it was when I was a bit part in their play but it is still something I'm dealing with. I do stand in my own corner now. I do believe that the cure for the wound of betrayal is to stand very supportively in your own corner and with certainty believe in your version of events. Greetings from Ieland xx
Christmas alone... Beautiful music... Candles burning and a lovely meaningful book... If its not too cold, a long walk enjoying decorated homes... Then to return to your solitary sacred space... Breathe deeply and smile...🌲
love this so much Christine, thanks for sharing! I had a bookmark as a child and on it was "A good book is the best of friends, the same today and forever" - was reminded of this reading your comment :-)
I struggle with the need to connect with my family. I fantasize and imagine a beautiful supportive and loving family, but that was never the reality. This is such a great exercise, to say to myself “ what am I missing? Anxiety, judging, criticism, no thank you.” The best decision I made was to not subject my children to the toxicity.
I am afraid I will spend Christmas alone. Usually, I would go spend it in my hometown at my mom's. She would be grumpy but still having me there, "tolerating me". The last years since lockdowns and her mental health unwell, she's become more hostile towards me and paranoid, seeing me as intruding and disturbing her although I was walking on eggshells. I live in a small studio apartment in Paris, so for me, it feels comforting and safe to be at her place, in my hometown, despite the emotional abuse. I supported her during and after a surgery after she gave me silent treatment for 6 months. And now again, she has ignored me since June. I haven't been able to get my stuff back. She didn't wish me happy birthday last week. I told that story to my doctor, I could feel the suspicion towards me ("she must have done something terrible", because no mother would reject her daughter) and it raises a lot of shame, I know is not mine. I'd like to get my stuff back, I stored most of my belongings there because my place is so small. Being ignored for months and especially on my birthday, feels so cruel, as if she is wishing me ill. I have started to develop health issues because I am grieving a parent, still alive. On the other hand, I have a father who is full blown NPD, controlling and critical of me. Last time I stayed with him, he took the key back, so I had no autonomy, forbid me to close doors of bathroom and bedroom, it became insane, he was physically threatening and in the end he threw me out calling the police, when I snapped back. I was traumatised but I still feel guilty when I don't call him because he's old now. I used to feel like I was the golden child and now I am ostracised.
Hi Sarah, thank you. Yes, it is so shocking, and hard to recover because for a long time, I was dependent on them and even enmeshed with my mother. I wasn't prepared for that "dropping". And in a way, it goes against human nature to cut bridges even with adult children. I also need to constantly remind myself I have done nothing evil to deserve that. I keep some contact with my father because he's old and I care but I need to protect myself as well.
@@MissSarahGM nice to her from you Sarah ! I thought I had it bad! I lost my mother in July this year 😢 my father is a bit awkward, to say the least. Xmas is going to be a difficult time for me to as I may spend it alone x
@@sarahwoodward8250 I am sorry for your loss. It is a difficult time for you too. I wish I had my group of friends in the same situation I could be with. All the best x
Upper Midwest here. And I have to keep reminding myself that a large percentage of people here are affected by this hidden abuse phenomenon. And I would guess they have no idea. I am so grateful for TH-cam and the internet as when I reached out within these platforms and searched for answers I found them. I had been reaching out through the avenues which are pushed such as therapists, and neither the help nor the information was present at all. Realizing how my strengths and mental health and clarity and honesty can and does put me at odds with unhealthy and damaged people really helps to settle my mind about this subject. These people are unsafe in that they practice human sacrifice. They are primitive and deserve a wide berth.
I focus on what I don't have to put up with; the shopping, sharing a meal with people who believe they are superior and don't waste a chance to let me know I am the worst person on Earth. I also wonder who is the one being roasted instead of me.
If you are alone at Christmas and you have money the best thing you can do is travel to a nice hot country. You will not feel alone when you're travelling you will make friends on the aeroplane and if you're a tourist in a less privileged country they will appreciate you. However if you're financially like I am this year you need to find other ways to get through the day . No matter what remember it's only 24hrs
In your About section you say, "All my content comes with a trigger warning. The pain of being on the receiving end of decades of parental and family bullying is excruciating." I'm 66 years old and recently stumbled on a scapegoat child video. I didn't know about this and it was a "that is me" aha moment!!! As I started seeking and absorbing more information I could envision myself floating in a blank white space and crystal scales dropping and shattering all around me. Those crystals being the wall of blind denial that has protected me for all these years from utter ruin. As I recognize truths about my excruciating pain from my families lifetime of cruelness it is so painful I literally shake to the core. It is also a relief but so painful is the release I have to sometimes turn the videos off. Facing this is painful but not knowing was more painful. Thank you for making these videos.
Really struggling today on my own... This is probably my 4th or 5th year totally on my own for Xmas. I feel so much fear that this emptiness and loneliness and the difficulty I have with all of my relationships (due to the dysfunction in my family or origin and therefore my own dysfunction and fear of others) will never end. I feel alot of fear and hopelessness and just so grateful for videos like this and to know that Im not the only one going through this...
Amazing how many people are in the same situation as me. When you’re going through it with your family since the beginning, it always feels like it was only you without a family, even though you have four sisters, and parents . They really don’t change much, even after 50 years. Luckily I moved away decades ago, but the pain is still there.
Mary is so very interesting. Many of the TH-cam advice therapists are detached and talking from a perspective that they really have not experienced. Mary is so genuine. She has real experiences with scapegoating to draw upon. It's like she is saying what scapegoated individuals actually feel. Freedom is better than anything. So liberation from being scapegoated feels better than going backwards. Going forward and keep going forward. Life is a journey. The relationships that we grow up with can dwindle away, change, erupt and leave.
To all of us alone during Christmas, wishing you all peace love and joy . We are not alone, there are many of us who choose to be in our own ‘safe “ and comfortable place and understand that this is the best place to be for now. Never let someone steal your happiness and confidence and never run after those who have abandoned you.❤
Amen Jasmine! Enjoying my Christmas alone. My friends and my elderly parents live hours away, but the snow and high winds are making it impossible to travel this year, so it’s me and my television this year! 😎
Same here! I celebrate Christmas like this: It is not fair everybody can celebrate and experience joy and we cannot. So I started celebrating my freedom from the abusers on this day! My scapegoat independence day! There's even a link to christmas - Jesus himself was THE biggest scapegoat in whole history! So it is just fine to celebrate our victory! In Germany we watch christmas movies and especially Cinderella. You know what this fairy tale is about? Narcissism and the scapegoat! As well as Snowwhite by the way! Watch them. Dress up! Order some favorite food! India? Chinese? Make a playlist with your favorite songs of independence! CELEBRATE that you are not with them! Sit down and write Cards you send to your friends all over the world wishing them a happy new year! Get as creative as you want, with a personal letter, pictures of you or creatively DIY designed cards! They will get back to you soon! Think a little what you want to invent a NEW kind of holiday! Go to church if you feel like. Most important: make a list if your 5 biggest wishes for the upcoming year and think of them with all your heart while glancing at the stars at night! Invent some rituals and to celebrate a very important thing!
That's a wonderful way of celebrating, Pipilotta. A funny thing about Cinderella. A friend once took a course in counselling and she told me of a little psychological trick of saying the first fairy tale you think of and how it fits your situation. She asked me and I immediately said Cinderella. I was amazed because I had two very much older sisters, a mother who either ignored or berated me and a father who was somewhat absent from the family dynamics. I still love the story and pantomime. Have a great Christmas and Independence Day. :)
Your missing out on abuse, disrespect, manipulation, and gaslighting. The only good thing about them is you. You're the best. They're common like the rest. There's the internet, you're not alone. We can zoom with eachother and share a glass of wine. Extended family misses out on you, but they can reach out to you. It looks like the perfect classic cozy family on Christmas day, as it appears. Really it's a bunch of liars around the fire, gossiping about how you chose not to be there, because somethings wrong with you. We have all these emotions and the pain leads straight into hell. Strength is an emotion too, so is self-respect, and honor. That's what you have to cultivate to offset that pain. You are set apart because you're special, they don't deserve you. It's the scapegoat that escapes the narcissistic family dysfunction. They love your pain. They break your legs and ask you why you can't walk. Then they say, "let me help you up, you need to stop being a victim, you have mental problems. This is what you have to do" blah blah blah fk you (I apologize for my language I'm from new york) you are to get better. They need you to be sick. You're not a victim, you're a Victor. Do you think they sit around feeling bad about how they treat you? They don't. Do you think that you can point out facts and they will own up to it, apologize, and take responsibility for what they have done? No. You want to know why? Because they want this to continue. When you apologize, the game is done. Also they enjoy you trying to convince them that they're wrong. It's never going to happen. They're alligators. It's like going into the swamp and expecting the alligator to consider your feelings. Alligators will eat you, they're waiting for you. Alligators are predators we don't take it personally. We stay out of the water that's what we do. And we need to move Inland because they are land creatures too. Evil people do what they do. They claw at the vulnerable. You stay out of the water and you stay away from them that's the best thing for you. And apparently you've already taken the biggest step. I tried to resolve everything, all my feelings too, I felt my pain and purged it. It didn't work after a while, because it never ends. How many years have you cried everyday? 15 years for me. There is so much pain it will never be processed. After a awhile it didn't work it was draining my energy, and taking up my time. My day spent crying for hours and hours. These are open wounds drowning in tears. Dry your eyes, and let it the wound form scar tissue. And make that scar your badge. Grieve and let yourself feel. Pain has a purpose. And the greater the pain the stronger the strength. And that's the test, cuz only weak people do what they do. Being sweet and docile and passive is dangerous for you and your mental health. You Are Not Alone, you're in good company. I'm alone Christmas too and it's going to hurt. The best I can do is cope and I carry that pain we all do. And that's enough. Choose that it is suppose to be this way. God took you away from them because he has better plans for you. The minute that I left and didn't look back I was happy, and they came looking for me and I ignored them and continued to be happy. They don't want that, they want to rope you back in and keep doing the same thing. Suddenly when it was necessary that I had to communicate, I sent a text simple straightforward They wanted to continue to talk. I ignored them. Suddenly they're interested in me, but I had no interest in them. And I was truly happy, during covid I went to Atlantic City almost every week, $50 a room. Loving it, and then I noticed, when was the last time I wanted to commit suicide? Oh it was when I was with them, and how about prior to that? It had to be maybe 6 months when I was with them. I noticed the only time I wanted to kill myself was when I was with them. A stranger will care for you more. Meet people. Distract yourself by finding things to laugh at. I watch funny videos it's helpful. And I know that whatever you do it's still not going to feel the same. And you're going to feel this familiarity and a longing for what was once your experience that felt good mixed with abuse. The Family Foundation set you up for life. We entered the world wounded and already defeated because the foundation is severely flawed. That stays with you. The family unit is crucial. That's the truth. But you're beautiful you seem nice you speak well you're caring and your sensitive and your compassionate. You're lucky that you turned out like you. Self love, during these holidays make time to be kind to yourself. I'm sorry this is long
I've been blame for the grief caused by my mom's abusive brother. I've told her and her siblings that comparing me to him won't fix the grief created by him.
I'm in a low contact family situation. I'm amazed how I'm considered the "throw away one". I keep my chin held high on the outside, but inside I'm sad.
I feel the abandonment and rejection can happen even outside of families, in friendships, workplaces, and churches. I'm from the United States. Thank you very much for this video. 💛
It turns out I won't be spending Xmas day totally on my own as I am meeting with a few neighbors for lunch. We are all taking a plate to share. I shall be taking ham and potato salad. I live in Brisbane, Australia, so Xmas day can be very hot. Hello to any other Aussies out there alone on Xmas day! I have decided to totally plan the day to make it special. I am making a list of special foods to get. I have also decided to buy myself a present that I shall wrap up and open Xmas morning. As I became a Buddhist about ten years ago, Xmas is not such a big deal for me anyway. I will meditate for thirty minutes in the morning, just as I do every day. I plan to go for a walk in nature as well. And then maybe a luxurious nap in the afternoon. Can other people share what plans they are making to nurture themselves. 😍🌈🍹
I will visit a friend and have lunch plus do a painting in the evening🙂 I will do meditation Xmas Eve and eat my favorite foods. Boxing day I'll work as I'm saving for my new carpet as gift to self. I'm from Melbourne 👍
Mary thank you sooooo much for creating your channel, I have listened intently & can't believe what I'm hearing. You are describing my life ! , I'm the scapegoat of a large very dysfunctional family. I have left my family behind now as it was killing me being around them. I truly am a better person after leaving the bulling, backstabbing & upsetting gossip behind. My mental health no longer suffers from the torments, I feel free from the heavy burden of being used as the family scapegoat !. My life is now my own & I love it. :)
I've been on my own for Christmas for 15 years now, apart from one year when a friend of a friend invited me to dinner at her home. That was a mistake really, as her family more or less ignored me, everyone was quiet and dour at the table and they gobbled up and all left me there to finish my meal on my own. There was no spirit of the season at all and I would have been much happier at home alone. I actually love Christmas and for myself I do all the traditional stuff; tree, decorations, baking nice things, a roast dinner and not forgetting Christmas eve with the traditional ghost stories while making stuffing, prepping veg and quaffing the odd glass of wine. I spend the morning cooking, have a walk with my camera if the weather's nice then watch films in the afternoon and snack. I always buy myself a present(s) to open on the day and this year is the first one that I don't have any from my offspring family due to some circumstances. I was given lots of presents from my family of origin but no love, and I equated that with love, so this is a learning curve for me and I'm actually glad that I'll be able to be happy without relying on anyone else at all. I'm from Devon in South-West England.
I'm so happy and grateful that I am married with children and that even though I was the family scapegoat, I don't have to spend Christmas by myself. I tend to struggle alot around my birthday (early December) because this is when I experience the feelings you describe because EVERYONE forgets my birthday and they use the time of the year as an excuse. I have the abandonment wound triggered. My youngest daughter was born right at the end of December andI make sure she is celebrated because I was always forgotten. My husband tends to get grumpy at Christmas as it triggers the childhood memories of his mother and father fighting. We try to make our own traditions and good memories for the children at Christmas as for both of us this time of the year can be emotionally difficult.
I struggle with my birthday too; it's in mid January and I don't remember it much after I was 7 yrs old. My older sisters were in their teenage years by then so they stopped having birthday parties, which meant my parents no longer held any more for me either. I know exactly how you feel, as I think it's important to have that one special day a year for ourselves. I do well at Christmas but birthdays are always horrible. It's lovely to hear how you're making celebrations special for your family and I hope you have a really lovely time. :)
I am proud to be the family scapegoat. I took a stand against child abuse, racism, and dishonesty. I was ostracised as expected but this relieved me of an enormous burden. I no longer have to turn the other cheek and pretend that their behavior is OK. Fortunately, I have a loving wife and daughter, and inlaws who appreciate me. I am blessed and being true to myself and my moral values has multiplied those blessings. Like many of you, I am spending Christmas day alone but it's been a good day. I wish you all a new year of peace, tolerance, decency, and acceptance.
I know for sure I won’t miss being bossed around like a servant, woken up at 5am cause they don’t care, and played mental games with to harm me around gifts and meals 🤮
Mary thank you with all heart for giving voice to those of us having lived through this. Having been the scapegoat from day one , I have become very independent and strong , being alone all my life. I could not even cry until I started to watch your videos. Something that has perplexed me over and over , is why do I have this seemingly unending sadness and grief over people that are so sick and cruel . Ultimately it seems to come down to being dealt a “ bad deck of cards “, more than anything else. Because based upon my experience ; you are right ; life is better without them. Nonetheless it’s hard. Everything you talk about Mary, I have never heard expressed but is exactly my life experience.
The sadness and grief are there because you know that you deserved so much better. Anyone does. None of us chose this but we have to live with it. There is a huge amount of grief and pain in realizing that you were never truly loved and cared for the way that you deserved to be.
Thank you so much for this video! This will be my first Christmas without my adult siblings. My grown children will be with others this year. (I saw them at Thanksgiving.) My husband and I will be on our own. I realized a year ago when I went no contact with a narcissist parent that I am the family scapegoat. He was not doing well and I was his punching bag while others denied there was a problem or blamed me for his behavior. I offered to help with his care in ways that did not involve direct contact. My sibs declined all of those offers. Now the story is I abandoned them to take care of our parent. Keep in mind this parent was never a parent to me to begin with. He was forced to take custody when I was twelve years old and blamed me for getting stuck with the younger siblings and I. He took away what was left of my childhood and made sure I knew that I should never turn to him for any kind of support. I helped him care for my grandparents. I gave to my siblings. Hosted their showers, celebrated their graduations helped them out during difficult times but I’ve come to realize that they have no use for me beyond what I can do for them and when I finally stood up for myself that was it. There was never going to be room for me in this family beyond being the emotional punching bag and meeting any other needs they might have. Our Narc parent trained them to treat me with disdain and contempt.
Luckily I haven't been with family on the holidays for over 10 years. It took a long time for me to get a hold on this issue. It started as trying to live like any other day, pretending that the holiday didn't even exist all, totally rejecting the idea of a holiday. I didn't celebrate holidays because I hated holidays. Sometimes I went drinking beer with a friend because he asked. But, it's not the solution. After I've finally found myself and my self worth, during a period of homelessness. Ever since I've managed to find and create a safe homestead, a home where I can grow old, for the first time in my 34 year old life, I finally really came home. No familymember knows where I live. That is such a huge victory for me that it needs to be celebrated. And things have drastically changed in my perspective on holidays! I started as a hater. Now, the last few years I started to prepare my favourite dinners at those days. With candles and all! With Easter I make a big breakfast/lunch, with nice bread, French baguette, eggs, chocolate. I even dress up for it, despite being completely on my own. After Christmas dinner or Easter brunch, I just take a walk in my favourite streets and the park nearby, even trying to greet people and just have a small talk. For some reason I even find it relaxing and comforting to read the Christmas or Easter story in the Holy Bible at those days. Regardless wethether I'm a christian or not. It feels great, encouraging and very fulfilling to have created some sort of rituals for yourself at those days to really celebrate who you are, instead of keep thinking about what happened in my former family. I even celebrate my own birthday again. Again, I don't care if I'm alone. In contrary, I love it. Because EVERYTHING GOES AS PLANNED. No familymember, not even the bad memories to them, will alter my plans, ruin my mood or walk in the way ever again. Especially at those days! So these last years I'm finally celebrating Christmas, Easter and my own birthday. Just to be extra kind for myself at those holidays. I'm even looking forward to it at any time of the year. I'm fixing my own holidays! Miracles do happen! Even if you make it happen by yourself or for yourself only.
@@scapegoatchildrecovery thank you in return. The content in your videos are spot on. They really help me to see my own progress regarding processing cutting ties with family. And I hope to see others too, to give it a place, and take control of their own life again. That's the deeper meaning about celebrating holidays again.
🇨🇦 On December 25, I am looking forward to a day of playing my favourite video games, cooking and eating my best homemade eggs, steak and frites for brunch, ice skating in the afternoon, some reading, watching a wholesome underdog movie that currently resonates. It’s going to be alone time but a fun time too 😁
I’ve been without family for quite some time. My parents passed long ago and my siblings have their own family & issues! Having been the scapegoat effects every aspect of life because if we’re not conscious and careful, we pick up to gauntlet and scapegoat ourselves, that seems the hardest habit to change. My parents hated Christmas, I’m not sure why but it tainted my view of it. I had to try my best to make my children’s Christmas better than what mine were. They probably think I failed because they have estranged me & I no longer get to see my grandkids. I have a boyfriend and we try our best to make things good for each other. We must always try to make the best of what we have and live in gratitude.
Hi Mary, I am in California. I get snapped at for any hair trigger move I do wrong. If I express anything, it is overdramatic and invalidated. It has made it difficult for me to know how to express myself. Everything you say is spot on!
Thank you, Mary, for your insights and suggestions for making another holiday season bearable. I live in Oregon, and though I have a sister, mom, and niece in the area, I know that no one will invite me over and everyone will just accept me being left out as normal. I will try to have a new perspective this Christmas and just focus on making the day as nice for myself as possible☺️
You're not alone - I have the same experience as you described. I think Mary should start a substack or a forum where we can share with one another. I hope you have a beautiful Christmas.
A quiet peaceful calm day with me and my jack Russell, she is my best friend 💓 she helps me with presence, kindness, love, lots of eye gazing! Cuddles! Grateful to have her, as she wasn't well for a couple of months. Nature I find is healing, the birds, the trees,the sky, the stars, I feel nurtured, nourishment from nature, as never got human connection or love from family. Moved back to Ireland 🇮🇪 17 years ago! From London. It's been a rollacoaster, not what I had hoped or invisioned, shadow work, dark night of the soul, healing on going! Loved this video. ❤ thank you.
I'm spending another Christmas alone today and it never gets easier. Thank you for putting into words how I've been feeling, I hope it helps others within my circle understand the pain.
I promised myself and my family, that I would be open for conversation up till the end of the year. After that I AM DONE. No more “trying” to get along.
I decided to not attend a get together with my cousins as usually when I’m with them most are passive aggressive and disrespectful- even their adult children treat me this way. It felt good to not attend. I seem to have a lot of narcissists in my family on both sides: my mother, my paternal grandmother, 2 aunts and my daughter, as well as 3-4 cousins. On Christmas Day I’ll be at my daughter’s- I’ll focus on my granddaughters and my one loving son as well as daughter-in-law. I will walk away if I’m disrespected on that day. I do not ‘try harder’ which was my default mode when dealing with toxic people. If you have nowhere to go Christmas Day there are a lot of charities that provide a meal and I’m sure they’d like help.
I know what I really grieve is the family belonging I never really had. As you pointed out: what is it really like and what would it be like trying (oh so hard again) to be there. I had to laugh, it's true, the only thing worse than not being there would be being there! I very much appreciate your soothing style and mental health strategies.❤️
I just want to say thank you Mary for being brave and bold for starting this channel. I found you the other day as I was in contact with my mother but the disrespect and verbal/emotional abuse had to end. I couldn't do it anymore, it was not even 10 minutes of me talking about how hurtful what the family said to me (haven't spoken since 2016 to one member and the other I went no contact with around January 2022) my mum was the last one but she said exactly what I told her hurt me. I am now again finding myself reading my self help books and having to heal. There are no words for the pain and anguish but I got through it. May we all find the inner strength to heal and to go on to live our best lives.
It's been 1 week and 1 day, sleepless nights and stressful days. Trying to do my best to care for myself but it feels so strange, I always thought that it was selfish to care for myself. Anyway, I hope everyone here finds peace and comfort now and in the new year.
@@trinity5842 Trinity, it's so sad that they convince us that everyone deserves special treatment except for ourselves, isn't it. I had some counselling in 2009 and because of that I decided that the hurt child of myself would be cherished instead. I now keep a photo of me when I was age 3 in my kitchen, where I see it every day, as a reminder that I'm not going to let that little girl be hurt again. All the best to you too, and much love in your healing. :)
I’d rather be alone than around my abusers. You’ve inspired me to plan something special for…if I’m up to it. Most times I just prefer a quiet peacefulness all alone. It can sometimes feel hurtful to my soul to go out and see groups together and I’m all alone. Yet other times I feel so strong about it and grateful. It’s crazy. Merry Christmas 🎄🌺
The January question is clarifying . I'm sure in the future Ill be on my own on Christmas day (I'm single) so I'll get the clay out, make some figures, listen to podcasts, sip a good red wine, turn on the central heating full blast just for me and eat vegetarian food. xx
Thank you for this video . My birthday is on Christmas day and this year I am spending it alone . I left my abusive husband and my family of origin , in April of this year . My children are spending Christmas with my ex .. as they will have children and activity at his parents house , I was the butt of all their jokes for the last 11 years , every year at Christmas. It's a tough time, but I would rather be alone or eat my dinner with easy people who don't criticise me . Thank you , and happy Christmas to you 😘❤️
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas! All of us are in this with you! I live hours away from my friends and elderly parents. The weather is too treacherous for me to travel this year so I’ll be alone this Christmas as well.
Hello and merry Christmas to all amazing scapegoats who are extremely capable of being their own best family/ friends❤️👏 We are not in contact with toxic people by choice and that is something to selebrate and embrace. Our solitude is not bad or negative but I can also understand and relate to heartbreaking challenges during festive times and truly appreciate the subject. Thank you and merry Christmas ❤️
Thank you, very timely, this is a very difficult time for me especially this year for some reason. Feeling very ashamed for having cut off ties with my three siblings who’ve extended « olive branches ». My psychiatrist told me I’m too rigid and expect too much of people, tend to agree, but the pain is very real. So confusing. Good luck to you if you’re reading this and relating somehow 😢
This year was the first time I didn’t feel stressed over Christmas. It was the second year I didn’t spend the day with my siblings and their families. I finally realised why I would previously spend weeks in the lead up to Christmas stressing. I feel conflicted because I love my siblings but I cannot have a healthy relationship with them. I am in my mid 50’s now and I know my sibling relationships will never change for the better. I am starting to accept that I will not have them in old age as I used to think I would when I was young. On the bright side Christmas is so much cheaper when I don’t have to buy gifts for people I won’t be seeing😊.
Thanks for the wonderful video Mary. You're spot on with your information. I totally understand what you are saying because I have been through what you've been through. I live in West Virginia, USA. I'm 61. And, I am still processing what was done to me as a child and as an adult by my so-called family. I'm definitely the scapegoat. I felt responsible for my parents and siblings. I was the family slave. I was never a child. It seemed any time I opened my mouth I was being called over emotional. They all ostracized me over time. I haven't been invited to weddings. I was invited and then uninvited to a couple of family cookouts. My sister lives a quarter mile from me and I never see her. She used to grocery shop at a store near me. I shop there, too. She quit shopping at Walmart's near us just to avoid me. Walmart's is a mile from her. The one she goes to now is 30 minutes away. Other family members that are close by also quit shopping locally just to avoid me. Isn't that crazy? Despite the abuse I suffered I didn't choose to separate from my family they are the ones that chose to separate from me. I think in time I would have done it if they hadn't. We don't agree on anything. There were times in my life when I thought I might have been switched at birth. I had my DNA tested a while back. I had wondered what I would find. Maybe I was really switched at birth. And maybe my real wonderful parents are still alive out there somewhere, lol. I am their blood kin. Darn. The craziness of it all can you make you think crazy, too. Yes, there are times I long to be with them. But, then I realize that they are abusing their kids, and their kids are abusing their kids. Why would I want to watch that? I have seen some of it years ago. It's heartbreaking.
THANK YOU for your excellent advice on coping with XMAS day for all the lonely people in the world! Create your own event, invite lonely neighbors/friends or create a special day for yourself doing something exceptional & wonderful. Learning SELF CARE & teaching our inner mind that we are EQUAL & IMPORTANT is the key to developing personal boundaries that liberate us from our scapegoat complex. We stop seeking outside approval when we accept ourselves. We will no longer ACT OUT our abandonment socially when we STAND UP FOR OUR OWN NEEDS. I beg you all to avoid addictions for one day, on XMAS because of the increase in self harm events in the western world. We dont need to get suck into this emptiness. This is my powerful chant to DISPEL SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS: repeat over & over "WE DO BELONG ON EARTH, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US!". This sense of belonging is the truth. REALITY is that we all live among billions. We live all our lives together, only our illusionary minds are alone trapped in the illusion of the past. Families grow up & it is time to let go by thinking bigger. Think about our human world, everything we touch (except nature) is made in a community- THE WORLD IS OUR TRIBE and OUR COMMUNITY is EVERYWHERE. When you see people working or kids playing, they are all a part of us, with us, in our hearts. See everyone together on earth & SHARE IN THIS WONDEROUS FEELING OF CONNECTION to the WORLD. There are billions of people that do NOT celebrate XMAS and experience JOY. EMBRACE YOUR LONELY WOLF & be grateful that we are the ones PUSH OUT OF OUR FAMILY'S HELL because WE DONT FIT IN! As outsiders, we have the greatest insight into humanity & if we channel our loneliness into a passion for our own life, WE CAN CHANGE OUR WORLD! PEACE BE WITH YOU ALL!
I’ve been alone many Chridtmasses, this one, 2023 was the best. I felt good! I did uncluttered my home properly, made simple healthy food that I enjoy, had a rest and did what I love: sew. I sew projects that I had had intented to so but because of the work, I haven’t had time! Now I had peaceful time! I was happy and sad at the same time. More happy because some and then I just sat, listened to the siience and enjoyed it and my beautiful home with my cats, who love me regardlrs of my status, outlook, opinions, how my hair looks like, my weight, and they do not poke me, mock me, compare me to someone else etc. ❤ Peace is happiness.
I am the parent of a daughter who has chosen to estrange from us and I am watching some of your videos to gain a perspective on the emotions that she may be experiencing. I am finding that the grief you describe is the same for the parents and the same things are triggers such as holidays, birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, etc. In our instance, there are no siblings or extended family that live close by so these days are isolating for us as well. I hold out hope that one day she and her husband will want to reach out and have family counseling with us but it has been almost 3 years with no end in sight. Right now, not having contact is probably a blessing and protecting us from more pain and hurt
Dec 20th as I watch this. I’d like to wish you Merry Christmas Mary and a Joyous New Year❣️(and to all of the commenters who are experiencing the same situation❣️)
Maybe Mary can have a youtube live video on Christmas for a little while for her audience. I am sure that Mary is such a nice person, she has made friends to spend time with at Christmas. But she has reached so many that understand.
I am the eldest child of 4. It was expected in Ireland, especially during the 50s and 60s that the eldest take care of the other children It was too much responsibility for me as a child with less than 5 years between me and all my siblings. As a child, my parents made me feel completely responsible for family happiness. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was deeply religious and thought if she prayed enough, my father would give up the drink. There was no radio or TV in the house. My father had no job, and married women at that 0time were not allowed to work. I tried to help as much as I could, but my siblings resented it. My father tried to take me out of school to take care of my siblings because my mother was in hospital for her nerves The school said he could keep me home until noon so that I would get the others ready for school and get the breakfasts, etc. I was treated as help. I was bullied by my siblings and even their school friends. I married an American and moved to New York. In true Catholic fashion, I invited my siblings to New york and looked after them, got them jobs, loaned them my car, thinking that the deprivation of Ireland made them so mean. 25 years went on, and my children wanted to go to college in Ireland. Things were very different, and my siblings wanted nothing to do with my children. They said just because I hosted every irish person who came to my house in NewYork, did not mean that they were obliged to do the same for me and my children in Ireland. They formally evicted my children from my parents' house.I was devastated in the beginning, but 25 more years has elapsed, and they have not contacted me. No contact has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. I feel that I wasted a lot of my time, but I learned a lot, especially patience. I am not sentimental about holidays. I find them a waste of time and money.. I read a book instead.
Everything you say in this video speaks to me. I've been having a pit of the stomach sense of dread about another lonely xmas. But I only need to be reminded of how bad it feels being around my mother and her hostile behaviour..It's painful still, whichever way you look at it. But i like your helpful suggestions for making the experience less overwhelming, and also for looking forward to making this next year one with some positive plans to look forward to. Thank you. I am less alone in being alone
I live in Connecticut and it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow and it will be the first time I stay away from my bullying verbally abusive sister and a mother that will always take her side no matter what and I’m sick and tired of it and I won’t take it anymore. It’s will be hard but I need to do this for my mental health it is destroying me inside and I am always the one to give in so things can be “ normal” again and I recently had the last straw with the both of them. I feel so bad because of my mother age she’s 92 but she has been at the core of this for decades my sister lives with her. I still will call my mother on the phone but not as much as I used to I called her every day and she ruled me my whole life. So here I am the night before Thanksgiving with a big knot in my stomach but I will spend the day with my husband and have some fun just the two of us. A fellow scapegoat…….
I invited my abusive father to celebrate Christmas with me because I always think that this time he will keep his word and respect me and my boundaries. It all ended with him once again disrespecting me, and also turning into his scary persona; he hit me, scolded me, broke an outside door handle to make me “understand” he has the control over me and my sense of safety and refused to leave … So I fled over to my neighbours house, and after him refusing to leave I finally called the police to get help to remove him from my home and press charges against him. I’m 40 now and have protected my father my whole life. I’m done now. I’m done being his puppet that he manipulates, gaslight, disrespects, devaluates, degrades and abuse over and over again.
Hi, Mary, from Southern California. Thank you for another profound video. You put into words ideas and concepts that are both inspiring and validating. And thank you for giving us action items, too. My last Christmas with my family of origin was 2016. My adult children and my husband created stress free, new traditions, and have made some wonderful memories. We skipped the stress of present giving and instead enjoy each others presence. Instead of dreading the day, we look forward to it. And if we don’t celebrate it on the exact day, because someone is working, we reschedule it. It took us many years to escape the events we were guilted into attending and we are enjoying our freedom. For those of you experiencing the holiday your first time alone, I encourage you to change the script of your past. Mary, you nailed this one. I’ll be rewatching this and sharing it with my chosen family. It will help us all better understand what we’ve been through. And to acknowledge it wasn’t our fault. Let the healing continue. All the best, Dawn
hi Dawn, thank you so much for your lovely message and feedback. I LOVE how you've reframed the holiday for you and your family. 'PRESENCE not presents' - I absolutely love this. :-)
@@scapegoatchildrecovery thank you for starting this channel. I look forward to every video. Wishing you and your chosen family the best this holiday season and always.
This Christmas I would like to remind everyone that even though you might be in your own company on Christmas Day, you certainly don't have to feel alone. So many of us have taken the necessary steps to provide for ourselves the best possible care. You will be spending your Christmas with a very special person,..........Someone that loves you, someone that cares about you, someone that inspires you, someone you can confide in, someone you can trust. Now go look in the mirror and tell this amazing soul how much they mean to you and how loved they truly are, now give this beautiful soul a big warm hug~ YOU'RE THE BEST!!! 💝💖💯🌟❄⛄👍💪😘
Hi Mary, I wanna say how relieved l am to have found you on here. Your content has been uplifting and inspiring to say the least and feels like home ❤ Thank you from Melb- in Victoria Australia Merry Christmas 💫 🎄🤍 💫
lucky for me I never put much stock into any holiday really - its fun to make it my own and I dont attach much meaning to these temporary days. I am wondering how it is that all of these types of families find a way to unconsciously or consciously create these roles in their family system: 1. scapegoat 2. golden child 3. identified patient (loser, etc). How does this just happen and why is it so consistent? And if there are so may dysfunctional families, what is the percentage (roughly) of the so called healthy families? In 63 yrs I havent met may yet. I do strive for mutual respect and kindness in my interactions but I am starting to understand that those other healthy people are few and far between. We are all striving to find love and acceptance and I am beyond grateful that I am free from the monsters who I grew up with.
I haven't spent Christmas with my family for 15 yrs. Not by choice but by circumstances. Working abroad and been alone literally alone this Christmas and many Christmas before.
I love spending Holidays with my family. I love seeing them opening gifts, laughing, singing, looking back all types of events that made us family. But now since i am away, i don't mind spending my holidays alone.
Thank you for these videos. Dang, I need your wisdom. I'm 65 and a widow. Spending another Christmas alone. I'm very hurt and feeling so shunned. I called my 85 year old mother and, as always, received no answer. I must try to move on. Replying from South West Louisiana.
Very helpful Mary, thank you. You're right, I'm not REALLY missing anything. I'm not even the only one who doesn't want to be there. But I'm the only one who's free... And great advice on making the day special for yourself. Again, thank you! Merry Christmas from Delaware, USA 🎄
Hi from Ireland, I cut ties with my dysfunctional family in 2011, You are spot on I enjoy your videos 🙂 I wish I had this one as I thought I was alone back in 2011, it was hard but I got through it, no regrets, I cant believe how strong and resilient i am 🙂
Hi Mary, so delighted to find your channel it resonates with me deeply. Christmas solitude takes olympics training planning, my choice this year is to do this celebration my way with as little grief and shame as possible. Thank you for the tips and the emotinal context. You have renewed my hope that I can process being the family trash can and live more authentically me in 2023.
I live on the same road as my family, yet the anxiety and raw panic I feel even seeing my mother is palpable. The passive aggressive comments and underline contempt she’s always showed for me are horrendous to deal with. Thank you Mary for your insight. I am starting out now with low contact , from seeing them once a week it’s not coming up to two.
Thank you Mary for this post with all of your pertinent discussion about the challenges surrounding this time of year for the scapegoat child. Your suggestions for coping are very helpful and uplifting. I know they work and it's excellent to have your reminders about how to look after ourselves. I am grateful for your videos. All the best for your festive celebrations.
So glad you started a channel Mary! Thanks to you, I’m in no contact 3rd Christmas…. Very painful xx I’m so grateful that you gave me all the information that helped it click in regards to your ebook and patriarchy. Thank you so much eternally 😊
I searched "when you don't have a family" and I found you." I'm glad. I'm the scapegoat alright. But I'm very tough I don't put up with crap. And so my ex alienated me from my daughter, and my family helped him. So not only am I not with my family, but they have my daughter and my sister has taken the place as her mother as if I am not one. Even though I'm here all along and I didn't do anything to warrant this Behavior. So what I did was blocked everyone on my phone every family member. I'm very close to God and he wants me out of sight. No one is allowed to disrespect me. My brother has been contacting my friends wondering where I am. He's the only one that I am close to. But he will not get in between my sister and I, because then that would be a problem. He wants to stay neutral which means he is a passive participant. I understand. My father is abusive, he thinks we're all extensions and aspects of him. He thinks my daughter takes after him. I tell him, if that's the case she would have been fked up like me. No one can talk me out of myself, it's a problem, 'cause they don't want me to complain while they're stabbing me in the back. When my mother died, my sister got rid of me. Everyone gathers at her house, so she doesn't invite me. If I'm not there she's the reason. I'm glad, because I'm absolved. Why did my daughter miss out on her mother? Talk to her aunt. I shut down my social media, cus they spy on me, This is the first time I'm completely gone, without a trace. It's actually fun. I literally dissappeared in plain sight. I will probably be with my friend who I consider my sister for Christmas day. I'm strong, but it's my daughter that is hard to cope, because we are estranged now 15 years. Time that I will never get back, because of these pos. People like this are doing the demons work. Better off alone than abused for holiday entertainment. I had my daughter until she was 8 and I built that foundation properly. I wrote a list of all the things I needed as a child and didn't get, and I gave all of that to my baby. She is well-mannered, high honors, excelled in school, She doesn't drink or do drugs, she's disciplined and kind. At 16 yrs old she would go to Manhattan by herself to the museums. She loves to read. She won't date anyone who doesn't read, she forms book clubs with the guys she dates. I'm the same way, but not until I went on my own. Her father is a psychopath, and we know how that goes. I left him. I refused to let him abuse me in front of my daughter. I don't back down so he tortured everyone around me, including my family to keep them away. He took my daughter and terrorized her to hate me, lied and made me out to be an unfit mother. I fought all the way, and even though my gamily knew he was a psycho they believed what he said about me because that's their narative for me as well. So they helped keep my daughter from me. My daughter treats me like crap, she's brainwashed. It's It's Unbearable. I suffered horribly. I did the drinking and drugs. It was an escape for the moment, but it made it worse. It took tremendous self-control on my part, and as a result, they all get to live another day. I'm angry, and that's a good step in the process, because that means you protect and respect yourself. I hung around for my daughter, otherwise I would've been gone. Triangulation all the way around. My daughter knows I love her, and I'm here for her always. She is the only one who has access to me, she is 22 now, and she can choose. But I have to walk away from her too. They use her to lock me in. Yeah, no, we're not doing any of that. They want to throw me away, but they don't want me talk away. It is painfull, but processing never ends, how many oceans did cry? Sometimes the best we can do is cope and carry the been. We have to work out the mess they made.
Not only this xmast - all holiday seasons since decades now - on my very own I am in a much better company than with any toxic ppl. around me - for sure. Thanks for all these videos - they are more helpful than all my therapists and coaches - included - ever before.
You have great Ideas. I like that. That's right, royalty. They don't know how to change and they don't want to change. You change. You know believe it or not these people are giving you the best that they have. And you have so much to offer and they don't deserve you.
![How do I live with the hurt? [of family rejection & contempt]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TfssvVeL2_A/mqdefault.jpg)
![วันเกิดเธอ (TO YOU) - PHUWIN [ OFFICIAL MV ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/_ROx1Bj3T0Y/mqdefault.jpg)
That’s my family, Mary. I now understand I’m much healthier than my abusive family but the grief I’ve experienced has been profound. I also developed very serious health problems after more than a decade of being ostracized & shunned. Now I find I don’t have much interest in making amends or seeing my abusers again. Life is much more peaceful without these individuals in my life. Merry Christmas to you. 🎁🎄🌹
Yoga works wonders to release negative emotions from the body itself, very helpful. Hugs.
You are not alone, I have isolated myself and just work on the relationship with myself. It's very hard, but it's ten times better than getting abuse.
I have done quite a few Christmas 's alone. It's painful but better to be changing my lifes connections. I'm staying in a hotel with a pool on my own this yr & will get some nice food but i will feel lonely. You are wonderful to share these caring videos❤. Thank you I'm so glad not to be so alone in the world💙💚 ps, I have serious life long health conditions as well from childhood but manage to make a quality of life. I'm 60 so I'm used to no family support but not easy. Love to all you dear scapegoats out there💗
Sorry for your misfortune, Fifi. I have little family left, and the relationship with those left is hanging by a thread. I'm hanging on to the relationship largely for the sake of the younger generation of relatives, who are innocent of any wrongdoing and who I view as my descendants, as I have no children of my own.
Amen, you're strong
Sending hugs to all of you who are going through this difficult time of the year alone.
Thank you. As I said to someone, it's easier to be alone on one's own than to be lonely within a crowd of pseudo family
@@Coach.Kallista Same here with me
I spend xmas alone as I'm in no contact with my own family members. I'm not missing anything. I love the peace and calm of my life now, not just at xmas. I cook for myself on xmas day, watch tv, listen to podcasts, read... all without criticism or judgement or fear. However, I too had to go through the grief bit and it was a horrible period of grief - very much a dark night of the soul that left me wondering at times how on earth I could carry on. All I could do was trust myself enough to feel all the painful feelings and eventually they settled down. Life is so much better now I'm out the other side of it. I feel in that process I've reclaimed myself. My 'family' are now the people who write in comments sections like this. Peaceful Christmas to you all 🙂
aww amazing what you have accomplished. thanks for sharing
Happy Christmas to you Zoe, a year later, 12/25/23. I suppose I am one of the friends you mention. It’s a shame we’ve been forced against our greatest wishes otherwise to be in such a position. God bless you and be well and peaceful & I join you in feeling the relief of no longer being harmed by just terribly sick people. There is so much grief but still way better than being around abusers. 🌹💕
@@Bronte866 Peaceful Christmas to you too 😊
You are such a strong person and a great role model for all of us going through this.
I really loved to read this. All the best to you.
Because I have gone no contact, I buy my own presents at Christmas and I wrap them up too. I also prepare my own dinner. So, it turns out that I get all the presents I wanted, I get to eat the best piece of chicken, and all of the movies I watch that day are my favorite.
It's like a private party with no arguments or fights....just peaceful!
And here I thought I was the only one who does this. Merry Christmas to you all.
@@ladygracesparkles Same
I recently moved overseas, after being made scapegoat. This is my first Christmas without them - my entire immediate family have rejected me. I moved to this country without knowing a soul here. but it was better than staying in the toxic situation. I met a friend here who said I can come for christmas. Thanks for your videos.
You are such a brave soul for doing so...what country did you move to, if I may ask? I'm thinking of doing the same once I'm healed and on better financial footing..
You are so brave.. I can sence your freedom that alone is so peaceful:) well done❤️
I'm glad x I moved country in 2016 been here since, it can be overwhelming but at least you are safe from them.
I have had low contact but a week ago I cut contact due to well the abusive comments and I just have a clean slate right now.
You'll be ok and your doing better than I am you have a friend :) I wish you a peace filled, happy Christmas and all the good things in this world to come to you.
Trinity we are all friends on this healing journey x
@@ptlovelight2971 I came to New zealand. Best wishes to you xx
Miss Mary, Oh love. I was sitting here crying when you were speaking about the fire and belonging. I then looked over at the screen and saw "the way you were treated by your sick family is not your fault." That made me stop crying and start laughing. Us scapegoats who will be alone for Christmas should try to connect with other scapegoats who don't want or can't be around their family of origin this year. My mental health is too precious to be around my family this year or any year for that matter. I just found your channel and I love you and your content. Big hugs from Northern California.
Thank you very much.
Sit with your grief - offer it comfort - and then go have a cup of tea.
It's been 10 years since I've had Christmas with my family, and yes, it took a long time to grieve and feel joy on this day, however, this year - I've never felt better....
You can't help others (emotionally) until you have your own feet under you...."Put your own oxygen mask on first" like the flight attendant reminds us.
Be gentle with yourself- grief is 3 steps forward, 2 steps back at times....you're going to be ok!
Merry Christmas! 🎄
This will be my 10th Christmas alone, by choice, which I originally started doing because I do not partake or participate with Christmas in any way. I went no contact with the family 3 years ago and thought Christmas would no problem, as I had being doing it alone and ignoring the holiday season completely anyway. I was shocked to find that I went downhill that first Christmas after no contact! Even though I didn't want to be with them, I was grieving what I thought I had and Christmas after no contact felt very final. My depression returned in the weeks afterwards and I immediately went back to counselling, because I actually had feelings of taking my own life, which thankfully I was able to work through with my counsellor. The following Christmas was absolutely fine and this year I will be not doing Christmas by myself, doing my own thing, which I prefer. There was an extremely violent Christmas in my family past, involving a chainsaw, and every other Christmas was hell also. For this reason, I have always had difficulty with the season and these days I just completely ignore it. I'm vegetarian,don't drink, don't watch TV or movies, hate excess consumerism and I'm not a Christian,so I don't fit in with Christmas with anyone,especially in Ireland! I'm very content to have my own day alone in peace! 😁
Thank you for your vulnerable share. i can so relate to what you said - I don't drink much, don't eat much sugar, don't eat meat or fish, I'm not religous in any way, shape or form and the execessive consumerism pains me - i'm on the same page as you there. the holiday feels very alien to me. i much prefer to celebrate dec 21st - the winter solstace.
This is so interesting to read. I am a vegan, don’t have a television or computer, am uncomfortable with excess consumerism and no longer consider myself a Christian. I am in Washington State on the west coast of North America and I, too, have no plans for celebrating the holidays. I do love the Winter Solstice now since I learned from Dr Who that it means we are “halfway out of the dark.” Thank you for sharing. 💜
Enjoy the day!
Sometimes it is still lonely on that day. I'm no longer a Christian but Christmas was never really a Christian holiday. It is a pagan tradition to celebrate the winter solstice.
@@jeanineadele, so true. I am wishing you a peaceful day of serenity this year. 💜
I loved spending Christmas alone.
Why?
I ate what I want
Watched what I want
And it was so peaceful
Not walking on egg shells
Not buying presents
Not getting presents especially money because getting labeled as greedy sucks
Getting labeled as Broke sucks..yes I had no money because my mother took or better said stole all my hard earned money.
.unfortenatelly my Rock, best friend my father..he died as I was 16yo and suddenly there was noone anymore to love me.
And yes I Grieve what I, truth be told, never had, exept of my father and if relatives die..am I sad?yes, and that's normal still I do not glorify these deceased because I know how they made me feel..but I allow myself to acknowledge that others grieve so that is the most Respekt I can give.
Feeling this so hard right now...I just moved out of my home with my narcissistic older sister and into my very first apartment. I'm happy to be free of her toxic, manipulative, and gaslighting abuse, but I grieve because she is the only family I have left (parents both passed, extended family not close) I've never been too big on holidays, but this one will be my first truly alone, which is both comforting and saddening at the same time. Will probably gift myself a kitten for Christmas this year...
A kitten is such a good idea, got mine 5 years ago and it saved my life.
What a fantastic gift to self.
Think about rescuing an older cat who no one wants from the shelters....and to get your kitten fix, volunteer to shelter a Mother cat and watch cover her as she gives birth, it is life-changing ❤❤❤
I love my cat Minnie Jo very much!💜 She is a very good cat!😻
They save lives. I’m spending my birthday alone and found this video. When I feel like I can’t go on and have a plan, I can’t because of my pets. Who would care for them like me, what would they do, they would be terrified so I keep going. Plus, if it weren’t for my knucklehead cats, I just wouldn’t smile much right now but no matter my feelings and mood I bust out laughing multiple times a day. They need me, so I stay another day. So glad I didn’t have children. This Ends With Me!!!
I prefer to be with my pets 🙂, that Makes me happy
Christmas has been a horrible obligation for too long. This is my first Christmas alone in almost 45 years. I'm relieved more than anything. I feel like I was forced to do Christmas with the threat of it being "the Last Christmas " before someone might die. I'm so done.
I was actually told by my female parent that I wasn't like my siblings and to keep myself to my husband and son.I actually remember saying to her don't you realise how much that hurts me! Obviously a complete waste of time! After that I was isolated by my family.But crazily still kept contact with my female parent.This had a profound affect on my physical and mental health and its only since my female parent died that I have begun to start trying to recover with the help of a therapist.
Since then a couple of my siblings have made contact, which I have ignored. I realise that I am healthier and happier without any contact.
Anyone can be an incubator, it takes someone extraordinary to be an amazing Mother.
kudos to you for being a great example to your son by drawing your line in the sand.
Can’t remember the last time I had a happy Christmas
I’ve actually never had one. One day I hope to.
I wish I wasn't broke as well. I wish I could rent a private dinning room and host a family dinner for all the scapegoats wandering in my neck of the woods I'd love it. We could have a karaoke party afterwards and sing all the songs that helped us survive.
ah yes lots of music, singing, dancing, joy and laughter x
Yes if I wasn't broke I will be jumping on a plane loads of people travel on Christmas day all the flights are fully booked
That sounds like a great idea. One of the songs that I loved after coming through a mental breakdown was 'I'm Still Standing' by Elton John. They used to play it at my local swimming pool, which was another healing thing I did. That was over thirty years ago now and I've had another breakdown since then but each time after going through the pain it's been a revelation of learning. Bullying is a terrible thing. It does so much damage. We're the lucky ones who are surving and 'still standing'! :)
I’m totally with you on the tritation of grief! It’s taken decades of honest talk with myself to allow that grieving process- I was always blamed for upsetting my mother’s partner, who had psychologically terrorised me during my childhood, my mother turning a blind eye and then having a smear campaign about me broadcasted to the rest of my family most living in Germany, me in England. It turned all extended family including loving grandparents before they died going against me! Except one of my cousins who, when visiting saw and acknowledged what was really going on. It’s the clear sighted child that is threatened yet we still believe on some level we have to defend ourselves and enlighten others. It’ll never work. So I’ve gradually released a lot of deep emotional pain over the years, and am now releasing somatic dysfunction which is in my case autoimmune disease. It comes out with a feverish state- the trick is to parent yourself in a tender loving way! I now feel so much peace and gratitude when I’m with me, it’s like a love affair.
I am relating to your experience here. Self-compassion has saved me, but, I still feel the weight of the injustice, the sad reality that every single one of my cousins has heard from my mother that I shouted at her, that I abused her, well, I don't really know exactly what they've heard, but I do know that I was getting the cold shoulder in the cousins' whatsapp group. And two aunts did not respond to simple texts I sent to thank them for what they sent to my kids. At first it felt like such an enormous loss. Only with a bit of distance do I realise that not one reached out to me to ask if I was ok. Not one of the aunts or uncles suggested to my mother that she TALK to me. All supported her giving me the silent treatment and the silent treatment has spread. I've been written out. I know the character of me, ie, my sense of myself is stronger than it was when I was a bit part in their play but it is still something I'm dealing with. I do stand in my own corner now. I do believe that the cure for the wound of betrayal is to stand very supportively in your own corner and with certainty believe in your version of events. Greetings from Ieland xx
@@SusanaXpeace2u They are the sick ones, you are normal. All the best.
Thank you for sharing 🙏 it takes bravery to acknowledge what you went through and be open and honest about it
Christmas alone... Beautiful music... Candles burning and a lovely meaningful book... If its not too cold, a long walk enjoying decorated homes... Then to return to your solitary sacred space... Breathe deeply and smile...🌲
love this so much Christine, thanks for sharing!
I had a bookmark as a child and on it was "A good book is the best of friends, the same today and forever" - was reminded of this reading your comment :-)
@@scapegoatchildrecovery 💞
I struggle with the need to connect with my family. I fantasize and imagine a beautiful supportive and loving family, but that was never the reality. This is such a great exercise, to say to myself “ what am I missing? Anxiety, judging, criticism, no thank you.” The best decision I made was to not subject my children to the toxicity.
I am afraid I will spend Christmas alone. Usually, I would go spend it in my hometown at my mom's. She would be grumpy but still having me there, "tolerating me". The last years since lockdowns and her mental health unwell, she's become more hostile towards me and paranoid, seeing me as intruding and disturbing her although I was walking on eggshells. I live in a small studio apartment in Paris, so for me, it feels comforting and safe to be at her place, in my hometown, despite the emotional abuse. I supported her during and after a surgery after she gave me silent treatment for 6 months. And now again, she has ignored me since June. I haven't been able to get my stuff back. She didn't wish me happy birthday last week. I told that story to my doctor, I could feel the suspicion towards me ("she must have done something terrible", because no mother would reject her daughter) and it raises a lot of shame, I know is not mine. I'd like to get my stuff back, I stored most of my belongings there because my place is so small. Being ignored for months and especially on my birthday, feels so cruel, as if she is wishing me ill. I have started to develop health issues because I am grieving a parent, still alive.
On the other hand, I have a father who is full blown NPD, controlling and critical of me. Last time I stayed with him, he took the key back, so I had no autonomy, forbid me to close doors of bathroom and bedroom, it became insane, he was physically threatening and in the end he threw me out calling the police, when I snapped back. I was traumatised but I still feel guilty when I don't call him because he's old now.
I used to feel like I was the golden child and now I am ostracised.
Hello Sarah I feel your pain. I was once the golden child , strange how things turn out!
Hi Sarah, thank you. Yes, it is so shocking, and hard to recover because for a long time, I was dependent on them and even enmeshed with my mother. I wasn't prepared for that "dropping". And in a way, it goes against human nature to cut bridges even with adult children. I also need to constantly remind myself I have done nothing evil to deserve that. I keep some contact with my father because he's old and I care but I need to protect myself as well.
@@MissSarahGM nice to her from you Sarah !
I thought I had it bad!
I lost my mother in July this year 😢 my father is a bit awkward, to say the least.
Xmas is going to be a difficult time for me to as I may spend it alone x
@@sarahwoodward8250 I am sorry for your loss. It is a difficult time for you too. I wish I had my group of friends in the same situation I could be with.
All the best x
@@MissSarahGM I’m online on a Tuesday night with Anoushka and we could chat then if you like ? X
Upper Midwest here. And I have to keep reminding myself that a large percentage of people here are affected by this hidden abuse phenomenon. And I would guess they have no idea. I am so grateful for TH-cam and the internet as when I reached out within these platforms and searched for answers I found them. I had been reaching out through the avenues which are pushed such as therapists, and neither the help nor the information was present at all. Realizing how my strengths and mental health and clarity and honesty can and does put me at odds with unhealthy and damaged people really helps to settle my mind about this subject. These people are unsafe in that they practice human sacrifice. They are primitive and deserve a wide berth.
This is why I still put up a Christmas tree 🎄 every year. It makes me happy.
I focus on what I don't have to put up with; the shopping, sharing a meal with people who believe they are superior and don't waste a chance to let me know I am the worst person on Earth. I also wonder who is the one being roasted instead of me.
Precisely
If you are alone at Christmas and you have money the best thing you can do is travel to a nice hot country.
You will not feel alone when you're travelling you will make friends on the aeroplane and if you're a tourist in a less privileged country they will appreciate you.
However if you're financially like I am this year you need to find other ways to get through the day .
No matter what remember it's only 24hrs
In your About section you say, "All my content comes with a trigger warning.
The pain of being on the receiving end of decades of parental and family bullying is excruciating."
I'm 66 years old and recently stumbled on a scapegoat child video. I didn't know about this and it was a "that is me" aha moment!!!
As I started seeking and absorbing more information I could envision myself floating in a blank white space and crystal scales dropping and shattering all around me. Those crystals being the wall of blind denial that has protected me for all these years from utter ruin.
As I recognize truths about my excruciating pain from my families lifetime of cruelness it is so painful I literally shake to the core. It is also a relief but so painful is the release I have to sometimes turn the videos off.
Facing this is painful but not knowing was more painful. Thank you for making these videos.
Thank you very much.
Yes and actually for my next videos I'm making that trigger warning much more clear at the beginning of the video.
Really struggling today on my own... This is probably my 4th or 5th year totally on my own for Xmas. I feel so much fear that this emptiness and loneliness and the difficulty I have with all of my relationships (due to the dysfunction in my family or origin and therefore my own dysfunction and fear of others) will never end. I feel alot of fear and hopelessness and just so grateful for videos like this and to know that Im not the only one going through this...
❤
💜
Amazing how many people are in the same situation as me. When you’re going through it with your family since the beginning, it always feels like it was only you without a family, even though you have four sisters, and parents . They really don’t change much, even after 50 years. Luckily I moved away decades ago, but the pain is still there.
Mary is so very interesting. Many of the TH-cam advice therapists are detached and talking from a perspective that they really have not experienced. Mary is so genuine. She has real experiences with scapegoating to draw upon. It's like she is saying what scapegoated individuals actually feel. Freedom is better than anything. So liberation from being scapegoated feels better than going backwards. Going forward and keep going forward.
Life is a journey. The relationships that we grow up with can dwindle away, change, erupt and leave.
The message that will stick with me the most is treating myself like a special guest. I love that. Thank you. 🥰
To all of us alone during Christmas, wishing you all peace love and joy . We are not alone, there are many of us who choose to be in our own ‘safe “ and comfortable place and understand that this is the best place to be for now. Never let someone steal your happiness and confidence and never run after those who have abandoned you.❤
Amen Jasmine! Enjoying my Christmas alone. My friends and my elderly parents live hours away, but the snow and high winds are making it impossible to travel this year, so it’s me and my television this year! 😎
Same here! I celebrate Christmas like this: It is not fair everybody can celebrate and experience joy and we cannot. So I started celebrating my freedom from the abusers on this day! My scapegoat independence day! There's even a link to christmas - Jesus himself was THE biggest scapegoat in whole history! So it is just fine to celebrate our victory! In Germany we watch christmas movies and especially Cinderella. You know what this fairy tale is about? Narcissism and the scapegoat! As well as Snowwhite by the way! Watch them. Dress up! Order some favorite food! India? Chinese? Make a playlist with your favorite songs of independence! CELEBRATE that you are not with them! Sit down and write Cards you send to your friends all over the world wishing them a happy new year! Get as creative as you want, with a personal letter, pictures of you or creatively DIY designed cards! They will get back to you soon! Think a little what you want to invent a NEW kind of holiday! Go to church if you feel like. Most important: make a list if your 5 biggest wishes for the upcoming year and think of them with all your heart while glancing at the stars at night! Invent some rituals and to celebrate a very important thing!
That's a wonderful way of celebrating, Pipilotta. A funny thing about Cinderella. A friend once took a course in counselling and she told me of a little psychological trick of saying the first fairy tale you think of and how it fits your situation. She asked me and I immediately said Cinderella. I was amazed because I had two very much older sisters, a mother who either ignored or berated me and a father who was somewhat absent from the family dynamics. I still love the story and pantomime. Have a great Christmas and Independence Day. :)
Your missing out on abuse, disrespect, manipulation, and gaslighting. The only good thing about them is you. You're the best. They're common like the rest. There's the internet, you're not alone. We can zoom with eachother and share a glass of wine. Extended family misses out on you, but they can reach out to you. It looks like the perfect classic cozy family on Christmas day, as it appears. Really it's a bunch of liars around the fire, gossiping about how you chose not to be there, because somethings wrong with you. We have all these emotions and the pain leads straight into hell. Strength is an emotion too, so is self-respect, and honor. That's what you have to cultivate to offset that pain. You are set apart because you're special, they don't deserve you. It's the scapegoat that escapes the narcissistic family dysfunction. They love your pain. They break your legs and ask you why you can't walk. Then they say, "let me help you up, you need to stop being a victim, you have mental problems. This is what you have to do" blah blah blah fk you (I apologize for my language I'm from new york) you are to get better. They need you to be sick. You're not a victim, you're a Victor. Do you think they sit around feeling bad about how they treat you? They don't. Do you think that you can point out facts and they will own up to it, apologize, and take responsibility for what they have done? No. You want to know why? Because they want this to continue. When you apologize, the game is done. Also they enjoy you trying to convince them that they're wrong. It's never going to happen. They're alligators. It's like going into the swamp and expecting the alligator to consider your feelings. Alligators will eat you, they're waiting for you. Alligators are predators we don't take it personally. We stay out of the water that's what we do. And we need to move Inland because they are land creatures too. Evil people do what they do. They claw at the vulnerable. You stay out of the water and you stay away from them that's the best thing for you. And apparently you've already taken the biggest step. I tried to resolve everything, all my feelings too, I felt my pain and purged it. It didn't work after a while, because it never ends. How many years have you cried everyday? 15 years for me. There is so much pain it will never be processed. After a awhile it didn't work it was draining my energy, and taking up my time. My day spent crying for hours and hours. These are open wounds drowning in tears. Dry your eyes, and let it the wound form scar tissue. And make that scar your badge. Grieve and let yourself feel. Pain has a purpose. And the greater the pain the stronger the strength. And that's the test, cuz only weak people do what they do. Being sweet and docile and passive is dangerous for you and your mental health. You Are Not Alone, you're in good company. I'm alone Christmas too and it's going to hurt. The best I can do is cope and I carry that pain we all do. And that's enough. Choose that it is suppose to be this way. God took you away from them because he has better plans for you. The minute that I left and didn't look back I was happy, and they came looking for me and I ignored them and continued to be happy. They don't want that, they want to rope you back in and keep doing the same thing. Suddenly when it was necessary that I had to communicate, I sent a text simple straightforward They wanted to continue to talk. I ignored them. Suddenly they're interested in me, but I had no interest in them. And I was truly happy, during covid I went to Atlantic City almost every week, $50 a room. Loving it, and then I noticed, when was the last time I wanted to commit suicide? Oh it was when I was with them, and how about prior to that? It had to be maybe 6 months when I was with them. I noticed the only time I wanted to kill myself was when I was with them. A stranger will care for you more. Meet people. Distract yourself by finding things to laugh at. I watch funny videos it's helpful. And I know that whatever you do it's still not going to feel the same. And you're going to feel this familiarity and a longing for what was once your experience that felt good mixed with abuse. The Family Foundation set you up for life. We entered the world wounded and already defeated because the foundation is severely flawed. That stays with you. The family unit is crucial. That's the truth. But you're beautiful you seem nice you speak well you're caring and your sensitive and your compassionate. You're lucky that you turned out like you. Self love, during these holidays make time to be kind to yourself. I'm sorry this is long
Thank you so much for your share. really wise words.
Loved your share, inspiring ❤
Few days before Christmas, and I thank the universe that I found this comment. Thank you so much for sharing this, I really needed that.
Christmas today. Take lovely and precious care of yourself. You’re not alone.
I've been blame for the grief caused by my mom's abusive brother. I've told her and her siblings that comparing me to him won't fix the grief created by him.
I'm in a low contact family situation. I'm amazed how I'm considered the "throw away one". I keep my chin held high on the outside, but inside I'm sad.
Yes, realising how DISPOSABLE we are when they can't TAKE from us is pretty galling.
You’re not the throw away one. You’re the one who got smart and loved yourself enough to walk away.
I feel the abandonment and rejection can happen even outside of families, in friendships, workplaces, and churches. I'm from the United States. Thank you very much for this video. 💛
It turns out I won't be spending Xmas day totally on my own as I am meeting with a few neighbors for lunch. We are all taking a plate to share. I shall be taking ham and potato salad.
I live in Brisbane, Australia, so Xmas day can be very hot.
Hello to any other Aussies out there alone on Xmas day!
I have decided to totally plan the day to make it special. I am making a list of special foods to get.
I have also decided to buy myself a present that I shall wrap up and open Xmas morning.
As I became a Buddhist about ten years ago, Xmas is not such a big deal for me anyway. I will meditate for thirty minutes in the morning, just as I do every day.
I plan to go for a walk in nature as well. And then maybe a luxurious nap in the afternoon.
Can other people share what plans they are making to nurture themselves. 😍🌈🍹
I buy myself Xmas and Birthday gifts every year. Wrap and put away til the day. Always get what I want that way😊
@@riquipoo5578 great idea.
I will visit a friend and have lunch plus do a painting in the evening🙂
I will do meditation Xmas Eve and eat my favorite foods.
Boxing day I'll work as I'm saving for my new carpet as gift to self.
I'm from Melbourne 👍
Not as hot as Perth
I find it helpful to put it in perspective, the fact that it is only 2 days, just like a weekend. :)
love this! thanks
@@scapegoatchildrecovery and a s a bonus, this year it does fall on a weekend. :)
Mary thank you sooooo much for creating your channel, I have listened intently & can't believe what I'm hearing. You are describing my life ! , I'm the scapegoat of a large very dysfunctional family. I have left my family behind now as it was killing me being around them. I truly am a better person after leaving the bulling, backstabbing & upsetting gossip behind. My mental health no longer suffers from the torments, I feel free from the heavy burden of being used as the family scapegoat !. My life is now my own & I love it. :)
I've been on my own for Christmas for 15 years now, apart from one year when a friend of a friend invited me to dinner at her home. That was a mistake really, as her family more or less ignored me, everyone was quiet and dour at the table and they gobbled up and all left me there to finish my meal on my own. There was no spirit of the season at all and I would have been much happier at home alone. I actually love Christmas and for myself I do all the traditional stuff; tree, decorations, baking nice things, a roast dinner and not forgetting Christmas eve with the traditional ghost stories while making stuffing, prepping veg and quaffing the odd glass of wine. I spend the morning cooking, have a walk with my camera if the weather's nice then watch films in the afternoon and snack. I always buy myself a present(s) to open on the day and this year is the first one that I don't have any from my offspring family due to some circumstances. I was given lots of presents from my family of origin but no love, and I equated that with love, so this is a learning curve for me and I'm actually glad that I'll be able to be happy without relying on anyone else at all. I'm from Devon in South-West England.
Sounds lovely. Bless you.
@@vacooke Thank you, vacooke, and I hope you have a very happy time during the holiday. :)
I'm so happy and grateful that I am married with children and that even though I was the family scapegoat, I don't have to spend Christmas by myself. I tend to struggle alot around my birthday (early December) because this is when I experience the feelings you describe because EVERYONE forgets my birthday and they use the time of the year as an excuse. I have the abandonment wound triggered. My youngest daughter was born right at the end of December andI make sure she is celebrated because I was always forgotten. My husband tends to get grumpy at Christmas as it triggers the childhood memories of his mother and father fighting. We try to make our own traditions and good memories for the children at Christmas as for both of us this time of the year can be emotionally difficult.
Hope you have a great birthday, all the best. :)
I struggle with my birthday too; it's in mid January and I don't remember it much after I was 7 yrs old. My older sisters were in their teenage years by then so they stopped having birthday parties, which meant my parents no longer held any more for me either. I know exactly how you feel, as I think it's important to have that one special day a year for ourselves. I do well at Christmas but birthdays are always horrible. It's lovely to hear how you're making celebrations special for your family and I hope you have a really lovely time. :)
I am proud to be the family scapegoat. I took a stand against child abuse, racism, and dishonesty. I was ostracised as expected but this relieved me of an enormous burden. I no longer have to turn the other cheek and pretend that their behavior is OK. Fortunately, I have a loving wife and daughter, and inlaws who appreciate me. I am blessed and being true to myself and my moral values has multiplied those blessings. Like many of you, I am spending Christmas day alone but it's been a good day. I wish you all a new year of peace, tolerance, decency, and acceptance.
I'm on the island of Kauai. Hello to all ... I am sending my LOVE to everyone going through this.
Alone for Xmas and watching this video , is hard but better not fake.
I know for sure I won’t miss being bossed around like a servant, woken up at 5am cause they don’t care, and played mental games with to harm me around gifts and meals 🤮
Mary thank you with all heart for giving voice to those of us having lived through this. Having been the scapegoat from day one , I have become very independent and strong , being alone all my life. I could not even cry until I started to watch your videos. Something that has perplexed me over and over , is why do I have this seemingly unending sadness and grief over people that are so sick and cruel . Ultimately it seems to come down to being dealt a “ bad deck of cards “, more than anything else. Because based upon my experience ; you are right ; life is better without them. Nonetheless it’s hard. Everything you talk about Mary, I have never heard expressed but is exactly my life experience.
The sadness and grief are there because you know that you deserved so much better. Anyone does. None of us chose this but we have to live with it. There is a huge amount of grief and pain in realizing that you were never truly loved and cared for the way that you deserved to be.
Thank you so much for this video! This will be my first Christmas without my adult siblings. My grown children will be with others this year. (I saw them at Thanksgiving.) My husband and I will be on our own. I realized a year ago when I went no contact with a narcissist parent that I am the family scapegoat. He was not doing well and I was his punching bag while others denied there was a problem or blamed me for his behavior. I offered to help with his care in ways that did not involve direct contact. My sibs declined all of those offers. Now the story is I abandoned them to take care of our parent. Keep in mind this parent was never a parent to me to begin with. He was forced to take custody when I was twelve years old and blamed me for getting stuck with the younger siblings and I. He took away what was left of my childhood and made sure I knew that I should never turn to him for any kind of support. I helped
him care for my grandparents. I gave to my siblings. Hosted their showers, celebrated their graduations helped them out during difficult times but I’ve come to realize that they have no use for me beyond what I can do for them and when I finally stood up for myself that was it. There was never going to be room for me in this family beyond being the emotional punching bag and meeting any other needs they might have. Our Narc parent trained them to treat me with disdain and contempt.
Luckily I haven't been with family on the holidays for over 10 years. It took a long time for me to get a hold on this issue. It started as trying to live like any other day, pretending that the holiday didn't even exist all, totally rejecting the idea of a holiday. I didn't celebrate holidays because I hated holidays. Sometimes I went drinking beer with a friend because he asked. But, it's not the solution.
After I've finally found myself and my self worth, during a period of homelessness. Ever since I've managed to find and create a safe homestead, a home where I can grow old, for the first time in my 34 year old life, I finally really came home. No familymember knows where I live. That is such a huge victory for me that it needs to be celebrated. And things have drastically changed in my perspective on holidays! I started as a hater. Now, the last few years I started to prepare my favourite dinners at those days. With candles and all! With Easter I make a big breakfast/lunch, with nice bread, French baguette, eggs, chocolate. I even dress up for it, despite being completely on my own. After Christmas dinner or Easter brunch, I just take a walk in my favourite streets and the park nearby, even trying to greet people and just have a small talk. For some reason I even find it relaxing and comforting to read the Christmas or Easter story in the Holy Bible at those days. Regardless wethether I'm a christian or not. It feels great, encouraging and very fulfilling to have created some sort of rituals for yourself at those days to really celebrate who you are, instead of keep thinking about what happened in my former family. I even celebrate my own birthday again. Again, I don't care if I'm alone. In contrary, I love it. Because EVERYTHING GOES AS PLANNED. No familymember, not even the bad memories to them, will alter my plans, ruin my mood or walk in the way ever again. Especially at those days!
So these last years I'm finally celebrating Christmas, Easter and my own birthday. Just to be extra kind for myself at those holidays. I'm even looking forward to it at any time of the year. I'm fixing my own holidays! Miracles do happen! Even if you make it happen by yourself or for yourself only.
thank you so much for sharing. i loved reading your comment. I'm delighted for you. 🥳
@@scapegoatchildrecovery thank you in return. The content in your videos are spot on. They really help me to see my own progress regarding processing cutting ties with family. And I hope to see others too, to give it a place, and take control of their own life again. That's the deeper meaning about celebrating holidays again.
🇨🇦 On December 25, I am looking forward to a day of playing my favourite video games, cooking and eating my best homemade eggs, steak and frites for brunch, ice skating in the afternoon, some reading, watching a wholesome underdog movie that currently resonates. It’s going to be alone time but a fun time too 😁
I love this so much!! thanks for sharing. :-)
I’ve been without family for quite some time. My parents passed long ago and my siblings have their own family & issues! Having been the scapegoat effects every aspect of life because if we’re not conscious and careful, we pick up to gauntlet and scapegoat ourselves, that seems the hardest habit to change.
My parents hated Christmas, I’m not sure why but it tainted my view of it. I had to try my best to make my children’s Christmas better than what mine were. They probably think I failed because they have estranged me & I no longer get to see my grandkids.
I have a boyfriend and we try our best to make things good for each other.
We must always try to make the best of what we have and live in gratitude.
Hi Mary, I am in California. I get snapped at for any hair trigger move I do wrong. If I express anything, it is overdramatic and invalidated. It has made it difficult for me to know how to express myself. Everything you say is spot on!
Thank you, Mary, for your insights and suggestions for making another holiday season bearable. I live in Oregon, and though I have a sister, mom, and niece in the area, I know that no one will invite me over and everyone will just accept me being left out as normal. I will try to have a new perspective this Christmas and just focus on making the day as nice for myself as possible☺️
You're not alone - I have the same experience as you described. I think Mary should start a substack or a forum where we can share with one another. I hope you have a beautiful Christmas.
A quiet peaceful calm day with me and my jack Russell, she is my best friend 💓 she helps me with presence, kindness, love, lots of eye gazing! Cuddles!
Grateful to have her, as she wasn't well for a couple of months.
Nature I find is healing, the birds, the trees,the sky, the stars, I feel nurtured, nourishment from nature, as never got human connection or love from family.
Moved back to Ireland 🇮🇪 17 years ago! From London.
It's been a rollacoaster, not what I had hoped or invisioned, shadow work, dark night of the soul, healing on going!
Loved this video. ❤ thank you.
awww thank you for sharing
I'm spending another Christmas alone today and it never gets easier. Thank you for putting into words how I've been feeling, I hope it helps others within my circle understand the pain.
I promised myself and my family, that I would be open for conversation up till the end of the year. After that I AM DONE. No more “trying” to get along.
I decided to not attend a get together with my cousins as usually when I’m with them most are passive aggressive and disrespectful- even their adult children treat me this way. It felt good to not attend.
I seem to have a lot of narcissists in my family on both sides: my mother, my paternal grandmother, 2 aunts and my daughter, as well as 3-4 cousins.
On Christmas Day I’ll be at my daughter’s- I’ll focus on my granddaughters and my one loving son as well as daughter-in-law.
I will walk away if I’m disrespected on that day. I do not ‘try harder’ which was my default mode when dealing with toxic people.
If you have nowhere to go Christmas Day there are a lot of charities that provide a meal and I’m sure they’d like help.
I know what I really grieve is the family belonging I never really had. As you pointed out: what is it really like and what would it be like trying (oh so hard again) to be there. I had to laugh, it's true, the only thing worse than not being there would be being there! I very much appreciate your soothing style and mental health strategies.❤️
I just want to say thank you Mary for being brave and bold for starting this channel. I found you the other day as I was in contact with my mother but the disrespect and verbal/emotional abuse had to end.
I couldn't do it anymore, it was not even 10 minutes of me talking about how hurtful what the family said to me (haven't spoken since 2016 to one member and the other I went no contact with around January 2022) my mum was the last one but she said exactly what I told her hurt me.
I am now again finding myself reading my self help books and having to heal. There are no words for the pain and anguish but I got through it.
May we all find the inner strength to heal and to go on to live our best lives.
It's been 1 week and 1 day, sleepless nights and stressful days. Trying to do my best to care for myself but it feels so strange, I always thought that it was selfish to care for myself.
Anyway, I hope everyone here finds peace and comfort now and in the new year.
@@trinity5842 Trinity, it's so sad that they convince us that everyone deserves special treatment except for ourselves, isn't it. I had some counselling in 2009 and because of that I decided that the hurt child of myself would be cherished instead. I now keep a photo of me when I was age 3 in my kitchen, where I see it every day, as a reminder that I'm not going to let that little girl be hurt again. All the best to you too, and much love in your healing. :)
I’d rather be alone than around my abusers. You’ve inspired me to plan something special for…if I’m up to it. Most times I just prefer a quiet peacefulness all alone. It can sometimes feel hurtful to my soul to go out and see groups together and I’m all alone. Yet other times I feel so strong about it and grateful. It’s crazy.
Merry Christmas 🎄🌺
The January question is clarifying . I'm sure in the future Ill be on my own on Christmas day (I'm single) so I'll get the clay out, make some figures, listen to podcasts, sip a good red wine, turn on the central heating full blast just for me and eat vegetarian food. xx
awww i love that :-) sounds wonderful
Thank you for this video . My birthday is on Christmas day and this year I am spending it alone . I left my abusive husband and my family of origin , in April of this year . My children are spending Christmas with my ex .. as they will have children and activity at his parents house , I was the butt of all their jokes for the last 11 years , every year at Christmas. It's a tough time, but I would rather be alone or eat my dinner with easy people who don't criticise me . Thank you , and happy Christmas to you 😘❤️
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas! All of us are in this with you! I live hours away from my friends and elderly parents. The weather is too treacherous for me to travel this year so I’ll be alone this Christmas as well.
Hello and merry Christmas to all amazing scapegoats who are extremely capable of being their own best family/ friends❤️👏
We are not in contact with toxic people by choice and that is something to selebrate and embrace. Our solitude is not bad or negative but I can also understand and relate to heartbreaking challenges during festive times and truly appreciate the subject. Thank you and merry Christmas ❤️
Thank you, very timely, this is a very difficult time for me especially this year for some reason. Feeling very ashamed for having cut off ties with my three siblings who’ve extended « olive branches ». My psychiatrist told me I’m too rigid and expect too much of people, tend to agree, but the pain is very real. So confusing. Good luck to you if you’re reading this and relating somehow 😢
Sorry, but I don’t think your psychiatrist remotely understands narcissistic abuse and it’s effects.
This year was the first time I didn’t feel stressed over Christmas. It was the second year I didn’t spend the day with my siblings and their families. I finally realised why I would previously spend weeks in the lead up to Christmas stressing. I feel conflicted because I love my siblings but I cannot have a healthy relationship with them. I am in my mid 50’s now and I know my sibling relationships will never change for the better. I am starting to accept that I will not have them in old age as I used to think I would when I was young. On the bright side Christmas is so much cheaper when I don’t have to buy gifts for people I won’t be seeing😊.
This Channel is pure healing! 🧣
Thanks for the wonderful video Mary. You're spot on with your information. I totally understand what you are saying because I have been through what you've been through. I live in West Virginia, USA. I'm 61. And, I am still processing what was done to me as a child and as an adult by my so-called family. I'm definitely the scapegoat. I felt responsible for my parents and siblings. I was the family slave. I was never a child. It seemed any time I opened my mouth I was being called over emotional. They all ostracized me over time. I haven't been invited to weddings. I was invited and then uninvited to a couple of family cookouts. My sister lives a quarter mile from me and I never see her. She used to grocery shop at a store near me. I shop there, too. She quit shopping at Walmart's near us just to avoid me. Walmart's is a mile from her. The one she goes to now is 30 minutes away. Other family members that are close by also quit shopping locally just to avoid me. Isn't that crazy? Despite the abuse I suffered I didn't choose to separate from my family they are the ones that chose to separate from me. I think in time I would have done it if they hadn't. We don't agree on anything. There were times in my life when I thought I might have been switched at birth. I had my DNA tested a while back. I had wondered what I would find. Maybe I was really switched at birth. And maybe my real wonderful parents are still alive out there somewhere, lol. I am their blood kin. Darn. The craziness of it all can you make you think crazy, too. Yes, there are times I long to be with them. But, then I realize that they are abusing their kids, and their kids are abusing their kids. Why would I want to watch that? I have seen some of it years ago. It's heartbreaking.
Thanks for sharing. I understand it all.
Finding your channel has been a blessing! Thank you!
Can resonate with this so much. It’s Christmas Day and I’m in tears
THANK YOU for your excellent advice on coping with XMAS day for all the lonely people in the world! Create your own event, invite lonely neighbors/friends or create a special day for yourself doing something exceptional & wonderful. Learning SELF CARE & teaching our inner mind that we are EQUAL & IMPORTANT is the key to developing personal boundaries that liberate us from our scapegoat complex. We stop seeking outside approval when we accept ourselves. We will no longer ACT OUT our abandonment socially when we STAND UP FOR OUR OWN NEEDS. I beg you all to avoid addictions for one day, on XMAS because of the increase in self harm events in the western world. We dont need to get suck into this emptiness. This is my powerful chant to DISPEL SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS: repeat over & over "WE DO BELONG ON EARTH, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US!". This sense of belonging is the truth. REALITY is that we all live among billions. We live all our lives together, only our illusionary minds are alone trapped in the illusion of the past. Families grow up & it is time to let go by thinking bigger. Think about our human world, everything we touch (except nature) is made in a community- THE WORLD IS OUR TRIBE and OUR COMMUNITY is EVERYWHERE. When you see people working or kids playing, they are all a part of us, with us, in our hearts. See everyone together on earth & SHARE IN THIS WONDEROUS FEELING OF CONNECTION to the WORLD. There are billions of people that do NOT celebrate XMAS and experience JOY. EMBRACE YOUR LONELY WOLF & be grateful that we are the ones PUSH OUT OF OUR FAMILY'S HELL because WE DONT FIT IN! As outsiders, we have the greatest insight into humanity & if we channel our loneliness into a passion for our own life, WE CAN CHANGE OUR WORLD! PEACE BE WITH YOU ALL!
Thank you so,much.. 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐yes, the most important holiday, feel inside pain and shameful
I’ve been alone many Chridtmasses, this one, 2023 was the best. I felt good! I did uncluttered my home properly, made simple healthy food that I enjoy, had a rest and did what I love: sew. I sew projects that I had had intented to so but because of the work, I haven’t had time! Now I had peaceful time! I was happy and sad at the same time. More happy because some and then I just sat, listened to the siience and enjoyed it and my beautiful home with my cats, who love me regardlrs of my status, outlook, opinions, how my hair looks like, my weight, and they do not poke me, mock me, compare me to someone else etc. ❤ Peace is happiness.
I listened to people like you the whole day and it got me through! Thank you for your channel. Hope you have a good Christmas 🎄
I am the parent of a daughter who has chosen to estrange from us and I am watching some of your videos to gain a perspective on the emotions that she may be experiencing. I am finding that the grief you describe is the same for the parents and the same things are triggers such as holidays, birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, etc. In our instance, there are no siblings or extended family that live close by so these days are isolating for us as well. I hold out hope that one day she and her husband will want to reach out and have family counseling with us but it has been almost 3 years with no end in sight. Right now, not having contact is probably a blessing and protecting us from more pain and hurt
Dec 20th as I watch this. I’d like to wish you Merry Christmas Mary and a Joyous New Year❣️(and to all of the commenters who are experiencing the same situation❣️)
Maybe Mary can have a youtube live video on Christmas for a little while for her audience. I am sure that Mary is such a nice person, she has made friends to spend time with at Christmas. But she has reached so many that understand.
I am the eldest child
of 4. It was expected in Ireland, especially during the 50s and 60s that the eldest take care of the other children
It was too much responsibility for me as a child with less than 5 years between me and all my siblings. As a child, my parents made me feel completely responsible for family happiness. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was deeply religious and thought if she prayed enough, my father would give up the drink. There was no radio or TV in the house. My father had no job, and married women at that 0time were not allowed to work. I tried to help as much as I could, but my siblings resented it. My father tried to take me out of school to take care of my siblings because my mother was in hospital for her nerves
The school said he could keep me home until noon so that I would get the others ready for school and get the breakfasts, etc. I was treated as help. I was bullied by my siblings and even their school friends. I married an American and moved to New York. In true Catholic fashion, I invited my siblings to New york and looked after them, got them jobs, loaned them my car, thinking that the deprivation of Ireland made them so mean. 25 years went on, and my children wanted to go to college in Ireland. Things were very different, and my siblings wanted nothing to do with my children. They said just because I hosted every irish person who came to my house in NewYork, did not mean that they were obliged to do the same for me and my children in Ireland. They formally evicted my children from my parents' house.I was devastated in the beginning, but 25 more years has elapsed, and they have not contacted me. No contact has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. I feel that I wasted a lot of my time, but I learned a lot, especially patience. I am not sentimental about holidays. I find them a waste of time and money.. I read a book instead.
Everything you say in this video speaks to me. I've been having a pit of the stomach sense of dread about another lonely xmas. But I only need to be reminded of how bad it feels being around my mother and her hostile behaviour..It's painful still, whichever way you look at it. But i like your helpful suggestions for making the experience less overwhelming, and also for looking forward to making this next year one with some positive plans to look forward to. Thank you. I am less alone in being alone
I live in Connecticut and it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow and it will be the first time I stay away from my bullying verbally abusive sister and a mother that will always take her side no matter what and I’m sick and tired of it and I won’t take it anymore. It’s will be hard but I need to do this for my mental health it is destroying me inside and I am always the one to give in so things can be “ normal” again and I recently had the last straw with the both of them. I feel so bad because of my mother age she’s 92 but she has been at the core of this for decades my sister lives with her. I still will call my mother on the phone but not as much as I used to I called her every day and she ruled me my whole life. So here I am the night before Thanksgiving with a big knot in my stomach but I will spend the day with my husband and have some fun just the two of us. A fellow scapegoat…….
I invited my abusive father to celebrate Christmas with me because I always think that this time he will keep his word and respect me and my boundaries.
It all ended with him once again disrespecting me, and also turning into his scary persona; he hit me, scolded me, broke an outside door handle to make me “understand” he has the control over me and my sense of safety and refused to leave … So I fled over to my neighbours house, and after him refusing to leave I finally called the police to get help to remove him from my home and press charges against him.
I’m 40 now and have protected my father my whole life. I’m done now. I’m done being his puppet that he manipulates, gaslight, disrespects, devaluates, degrades and abuse over and over again.
Hi, Mary, from Southern California. Thank you for another profound video. You put into words ideas and concepts that are both inspiring and validating. And thank you for giving us action items, too.
My last Christmas with my family of origin was 2016. My adult children and my husband created stress free, new traditions, and have made some wonderful memories. We skipped the stress of present giving and instead enjoy each others presence.
Instead of dreading the day, we look forward to it. And if we don’t celebrate it on the exact day, because someone is working, we reschedule it.
It took us many years to escape the events we were guilted into attending and we are enjoying our freedom.
For those of you experiencing the holiday your first time alone, I encourage you to change the script of your past.
Mary, you nailed this one. I’ll be rewatching this and sharing it with my chosen family. It will help us all better understand what we’ve been through. And to acknowledge it wasn’t our fault.
Let the healing continue.
All the best,
Dawn
hi Dawn, thank you so much for your lovely message and feedback. I LOVE how you've reframed the holiday for you and your family.
'PRESENCE not presents' - I absolutely love this.
:-)
@@scapegoatchildrecovery thank you for starting this channel. I look forward to every video. Wishing you and your chosen family the best this holiday season and always.
This Christmas I would like to remind everyone that even though you might be in your own company on Christmas Day, you certainly don't have to feel alone. So many of us have taken the necessary steps to provide for ourselves the best possible care. You will be spending your Christmas with a very special person,..........Someone that loves you, someone that cares about you, someone that inspires you, someone you can confide in, someone you can trust. Now go look in the mirror and tell this amazing soul how much they mean to you and how loved they truly are, now give this beautiful soul a big warm hug~ YOU'RE THE BEST!!! 💝💖💯🌟❄⛄👍💪😘
I am happy on Christmas alone, I enjoy the golden energy of these days, the phone stays switched off. Thank You!!:))!!👍💐💯%!!✨😊🌈⚓!!
Thank you for this! I'm absolutely on my own on Christmas day (tomorrow!). I'm OK so far. I'll be sending good vibes thoughts and care to all.
Hi Mary,
I wanna say how relieved l am to have found you on here. Your content has been uplifting and inspiring to say the least and feels like home ❤
Thank you from Melb- in Victoria Australia
Merry Christmas 💫 🎄🤍 💫
lucky for me I never put much stock into any holiday really - its fun to make it my own and I dont attach much meaning to these temporary days. I am wondering how it is that all of these types of families find a way to unconsciously or consciously create these roles in their family system: 1. scapegoat 2. golden child 3. identified patient (loser, etc). How does this just happen and why is it so consistent? And if there are so may dysfunctional families, what is the percentage (roughly) of the so called healthy families? In 63 yrs I havent met may yet. I do strive for mutual respect and kindness in my interactions but I am starting to understand that those other healthy people are few and far between. We are all striving to find love and acceptance and I am beyond grateful that I am free from the monsters who I grew up with.
I haven't spent Christmas with my family for 15 yrs. Not by choice but by circumstances. Working abroad and been alone literally alone this Christmas and many Christmas before.
My 6th year of holidays alone. Finally over the hump.
I love spending Holidays with my family.
I love seeing them opening gifts, laughing, singing, looking back all types of events that made us family.
But now since i am away, i don't mind spending my holidays alone.
Those sound like amazing Christmas plans! I’m making myself a pie. Thank you so much. Thank you!!
Thank you for these videos. Dang, I need your wisdom. I'm 65 and a widow. Spending another Christmas alone. I'm very hurt and feeling so shunned. I called my 85 year old mother and, as always, received no answer. I must try to move on. Replying from South West Louisiana.
Very helpful Mary, thank you. You're right, I'm not REALLY missing anything. I'm not even the only one who doesn't want to be there. But I'm the only one who's free... And great advice on making the day special for yourself. Again, thank you! Merry Christmas from Delaware, USA 🎄
Hi from Ireland, I cut ties with my dysfunctional family in 2011, You are spot on I enjoy your videos 🙂 I wish I had this one as I thought I was alone back in 2011, it was hard but I got through it, no regrets, I cant believe how strong and resilient i am 🙂
Hi Mary, so delighted to find your channel it resonates with me deeply. Christmas solitude takes olympics training planning, my choice this year is to do this celebration my way with as little grief and shame as possible. Thank you for the tips and the emotinal context. You have renewed my hope that I can process being the family trash can and live more authentically me in 2023.
Thank you so much. glad my video provided some help.
Thank you so much for this! Love from Brazil ❤
I live on the same road as my family, yet the anxiety and raw panic I feel even seeing my mother is palpable. The passive aggressive comments and underline contempt she’s always showed for me are horrendous to deal with. Thank you Mary for your insight. I am starting out now with low contact , from seeing them once a week it’s not coming up to two.
Thank you Mary for this post with all of your pertinent discussion about the challenges surrounding this time of year for the scapegoat child. Your suggestions for coping are very helpful and uplifting. I know they work and it's excellent to have your reminders about how to look after ourselves. I am grateful for your videos.
All the best for your festive celebrations.
So glad you started a channel Mary!
Thanks to you, I’m in no contact 3rd Christmas…. Very painful xx
I’m so grateful that you gave me all the information that helped it click in regards to your ebook and patriarchy. Thank you so much eternally 😊
Thanks Nikki, you're so welcome.
You really know and understand what being scapegoated is all about based on your descriptions.
I searched "when you don't have a family" and I found you." I'm glad. I'm the scapegoat alright. But I'm very tough I don't put up with crap. And so my ex alienated me from my daughter, and my family helped him. So not only am I not with my family, but they have my daughter and my sister has taken the place as her mother as if I am not one. Even though I'm here all along and I didn't do anything to warrant this Behavior. So what I did was blocked everyone on my phone every family member. I'm very close to God and he wants me out of sight. No one is allowed to disrespect me. My brother has been contacting my friends wondering where I am. He's the only one that I am close to. But he will not get in between my sister and I, because then that would be a problem. He wants to stay neutral which means he is a passive participant. I understand. My father is abusive, he thinks we're all extensions and aspects of him. He thinks my daughter takes after him. I tell him, if that's the case she would have been fked up like me. No one can talk me out of myself, it's a problem, 'cause they don't want me to complain while they're stabbing me in the back. When my mother died, my sister got rid of me. Everyone gathers at her house, so she doesn't invite me. If I'm not there she's the reason. I'm glad, because I'm absolved. Why did my daughter miss out on her mother? Talk to her aunt. I shut down my social media, cus they spy on me, This is the first time I'm completely gone, without a trace. It's actually fun. I literally dissappeared in plain sight. I will probably be with my friend who I consider my sister for Christmas day. I'm strong, but it's my daughter that is hard to cope, because we are estranged now 15 years. Time that I will never get back, because of these pos. People like this are doing the demons work. Better off alone than abused for holiday entertainment. I had my daughter until she was 8 and I built that foundation properly. I wrote a list of all the things I needed as a child and didn't get, and I gave all of that to my baby. She is well-mannered, high honors, excelled in school, She doesn't drink or do drugs, she's disciplined and kind. At 16 yrs old she would go to Manhattan by herself to the museums. She loves to read. She won't date anyone who doesn't read, she forms book clubs with the guys she dates. I'm the same way, but not until I went on my own. Her father is a psychopath, and we know how that goes. I left him. I refused to let him abuse me in front of my daughter. I don't back down so he tortured everyone around me, including my family to keep them away. He took my daughter and terrorized her to hate me, lied and made me out to be an unfit mother. I fought all the way, and even though my gamily knew he was a psycho they believed what he said about me because that's their narative for me as well. So they helped keep my daughter from me. My daughter treats me like crap, she's brainwashed. It's It's Unbearable. I suffered horribly. I did the drinking and drugs. It was an escape for the moment, but it made it worse. It took tremendous self-control on my part, and as a result, they all get to live another day. I'm angry, and that's a good step in the process, because that means you protect and respect yourself. I hung around for my daughter, otherwise I would've been gone. Triangulation all the way around. My daughter knows I love her, and I'm here for her always. She is the only one who has access to me, she is 22 now, and she can choose. But I have to walk away from her too. They use her to lock me in. Yeah, no, we're not doing any of that. They want to throw me away, but they don't want me talk away. It is painfull, but processing never ends, how many oceans did cry? Sometimes the best we can do is cope and carry the been. We have to work out the mess they made.
"Better off alone than abused for holiday entertainment. " wow - well said.
Not only this xmast - all holiday seasons since decades now - on my very own I am in a much better company than with any toxic ppl. around me - for sure. Thanks for all these videos - they are more helpful than all my therapists and coaches - included - ever before.
You have great Ideas. I like that. That's right, royalty. They don't know how to change and they don't want to change. You change. You know believe it or not these people are giving you the best that they have. And you have so much to offer and they don't deserve you.
Thanks again Mary, your a blessing ❤️🙏
I always feel I’m the only one alone. Embarrassing to go out to eat as everyone will see I’m alone while they’re with family.