I learned more in a month listening to your teachings; and from your mastery program, then I leaned in 15 years listing to so manny other teachers. I guess prayers does work, because I prayed for a something different; for better life. And I got it trough you. I know this is deep. But hey I’m imperfect 😊. Thank you for the wonderful work you’re doing.
It's true. I mapped my previous relationship on romantic comedies I would watch. The crazy part is that it started out like a romantic comedy. I wasn't even expecting that. My ex was so enamored by me he thought I was the prettiest smartest girl out there. And would praise me everyday. Somewhere deep down I knew i got In the relationship not because I loved him but because he did wonders to my self esteem. Once he got preoccupied with his own life and wasn't able to give me the same attention, I got upset and despite him reminding me that he still loved me, I maintained the belief that since I was soo out of his league and yet I'm dating him, he owes me. Which at that moment I wasn't able to realise how immature and most likely narcissistic I was. Buy overall its crazy how movies and novels can shape our relationships.
THIS advise is the REAL DEAL. Funny how most (or all?) all of the relationship coaches who get all the views are not married!!! I'm asking myself why I'm learning this at 50 but at the same time would I have understood it when I was younger? At any rate, I'm so happy I found Kenny it has been transformative and I'll never be the same after finding him. Thank you Kenny!!
As a codependent woman I concur with this message! Do the work! Heal yourself, set healthy boundaries, love yourself and be willing to look at yourself! It’s so freeing!
You're the sharpest looking online therapist. Loved your purple and now your turquoise. I fully approve of your fashion and interior design sense. 😆 ok, now back to Coda trauma....
Am listening to you all day long, you finally gave me the answer I needed and explained the “why” that took me two years to understand. Thank you 😊 I think that I need to have a one to one.
I'm going thru a divorce right now. I had to leave!! Your Videos have helped me so much. This one is Fantastic!! Keep them coming!! Best to your cause so to speak!!
ALSO, I love your look with the four point hanke in your pocket!!! For me constant vigilance, recognizing feelings and that it is safe to express. After my husband passed, I learned just how codependent I had become. Now on journey of unlearning, accepting with a lot of help from my friends and fellowships. I just love your attitude which I have adopted having survived a Mother who went after my dates in high school. Thank you we can survive and thrive with constant vigilance and not retreating. One thing that I can control is my fiction writing, and that is truly the only thing. Deepest thanks for showing me how to be vulnerable. Are you familiar with Marisa Peers?
Narcissist are codependent? Empaths are co dependent? So how can I blame it all on the Narcissist? I gave away all my power for breadcrumbs of attention and specs of validation. In my case I was completely trauma bonded. I don't have another 20 years to give away. Being codependent makes me a target? I love how you challenge us to our part. Give us the awareness and tools to rise up. Thank you. ❤🙏
Another brilliant, down to earth talk Kenny. When I studied TA, I was advised to lose the should word from my vocabulary. It’s very parental and from the parent ego state, and I can just see the parent waging the finger as they say it. However, we were advised to replace ‘should’ with ‘could’, which gives us the power to choose. I hope that makes sense.
In my experience could is still a shame based response because it implies you didn’t try your best. Therefore, I always advise people to use the word word. I would have liked to have done ABC or D that is much more forgiving and much more excepting that we are human and perfectly imperfect. Both should and could are shame based perfectionist words
@@kennyweiss thanks for your reply. I would use could if someone asked my advice instead of saying should. E.g.you could get a place of your own which gives them The power to choose as opposed to you should get a place of your own. Or you should do this or that, I still don’t see how you could do this or that is shame based. Do you mean purely by making a suggestion, I would be shaming the other?
@@junegray5506 in my experience nobody wants to be told what they should or could do. So when someone asks me a question like that, my response would be… If it were me, I would consider these options. In other words, I’m only sharing my experience, strength and hope and never telling somebody what they should, or could do. Because think about it, when you say could and if they don’t, there’s an implied message that they are doing something wrong and we are telling them who they are, and what their capabilities are. But we are not inside of them, we don’t know if they have the intellectual and emotional reserves in that moment to take that action. We don’t really know if they “could“ do the action we’re suggesting. Therefore, we are telling them who they are, and taking their inventory. It’s an implied message that we know what they are capable of and they don’t. Therefore, There is a codependence tied to both should and could. That’s why it has been my experience that we make our suggestions about ourselves and allow them to come to a conclusion on their own, without feeling an obligation to take our suggestion. That’s called maturity, moderation and interdependence.
@@kennyweiss thank you so much for clarifying that point. I am very aware of talking about myself and what I did or might do in a particular situation. I find I suggest less and less what they could do although I do share your videos with people who are in a lot of pain and turmoil, hoping some of your wisdom will rub off on them. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.
I'm so glad to hear this! All my models were so disfunctional for sure and Disney is rediculous. How can we know what is healthy? For real! Great video
By the way, Kenny Weiss, I like the construct of your online materials, very intelligently put together! working hard! 👍👍 for that!!! You have pretty attractive voice! I need to find more time for your material.
Going through your videos and this one is spot on. Someone showing up lately and we hook into eachother but it isn't fun when I really listen. Both going forward and backward and secretly demanding things and move eachother around. But I'm the one letting them in but it's so hard to step out even when you know you have too for own health 😐
Brennan Manning wrote a book called the ragamuffin gospel. If you're having problems coming to grips with who you are or who you are not I highly recommend it
So what is the difference between setting boundaries and telling your partner what you won’t put up with in the relationship that kind of makes setting boundaries seem like manipulation. I’m confused
"you should read my mind". last time i met that toxid person and talked to her in hope of clearing things, she accused me, that i didn t adress some issues. she would have adressed me during the meet all the time on a telepathic level. and stupid me did not hear her telepathic begging.
Good choice. If you really want to get off the hamster wheel and learn the full process of healing, my suggestion would be my master classes. They’re only $47 a month and they walk you through the process from start to finish. Here’s the link if you’re ready to get off the wheel😁 thegreatnessu.com/p/the-complete-emotional-mastery-method
Kenny can you do one of these but on adult children that live at home. Because if we are paying for everything then it’s our right to have our morals and values. But the adult children want their morals and values, but have us pay for it!
Can you maybe someday compare codependency to 'Self Love Deficit Disorder'. This terms coined recently by Ross Rosenberg. He is asking the DSM board to eliminate 'codependency'. He is asking the board to rename this codependency disorder to self love deficit disorder. Do you have any thoughts to share on that subject?
Thank you for your courages speach. I understand the point, when it' s question about smal things. But for example, on my case, My relatives are quite responsible person, man are real masculine who does what is needed. Maybe not very romantic but very decent. I didn't understand that there can be persons who can be at home with kids, but don't give their food. Who prefers to play piano and can ignore his children. At that time ( when you are married and have two Kids) it was quite difficult to start take ownership. I was working, husband was at home, I and My daughters needed his support. There is nothing wrong with that. On my opinion, family is place of right kind of support. I think family is team where you work together to goals you have. Main goal may be rase children or some economical choise, spiritual goal, whatever. But in family we all need to be supported and parents need to shares responsibility. 😊❤😊I am Finnish elder lady, I appologize my poor english😅. Sometimes it triggers me a little, when it is said that I am responsible. For My stupidness eys, but I did all I could and understood at that time. I still appreciate very much your work. As a single mother nowadays I cannot afford lessons with fee, I think IT it very generous to share information for free. I just enjoyd open discuss. Thank you😊
Ok mr Weiss can i ask a question? Should my partner have been present for me at the hospital while our 3months fetus, at the first trimester of my pregnancy had no heart beat and i drove my shelf to be taken out from me? Because when i asked him he said he couldn't tolerate the pain of the loss. He wasn't even there to get me to hospital or back home. As i was struggling with the loss of the baby i was also struggling with his absence at that moment of our lives. I tried to express my feelings about it 2 years after (!) and he was all denial..he said i don't understand why you should be more sad than me after all? Just because i don't have a womb? He made me feel i was being self centered about that. So....should he be there for me? At that time i though he should. And i told him. And he decided no to be. (Of course he was a codependent. Maybe i was too. I can see now. I'm on therapy right now facing my own demons and taking responsibility of my past 8yeard life. As we discussed it with my therapist, now im ok with the loss of our baby.. I mean its not like an open wound any more but i really was not with his absence)
Hey Eleni, that's a great question. Unfortunately, I don't think I will be able to type out my complete answer here in the comments. If you are interested though, you can submit your question via "Ask Kenny a Question" and I will send you a video response back with my thoughts and advice.direct.me/l/7nqH
I like how you went from calling the child a fetus to a baby. My ex-wife and I went through a similar situation. In private I cried my eyes out due to the loss of the child. Unfortunately to this day forty years later my ex-wife never dealt with it.
If we learn and become healthier... and know it, how about confirming what that looks, sounds like? Your audience might shrink, but they would be stronger...and you can be part of the reason.
Just purchased your book as well as the two Pia Melody books. You definitely are making sense to me. What happens if the person you married knew about your “must haves” and “can’t stands” and convinced you at the beginning that those were no issues for them and basically lied to get married? What if you only discover the deception after the marriage and kids?
Then you have a choice. You can choose to drop those desires and re define what matters to you or if it is non-negotiable, you leave. What we can not do is demand the other person change. We only have power over ourselves. It is a fallacy that people will always stay the same. In every relationship we can only promise today. It is up to each person to wake up each day and ask themselves...does this still work for me? If so, we stay. If not we recognize that life changes and that is ok and we thank them for the part they played in our life without blame and we move on .
What is wrong with demand in a true love relationship??? It depends how the other side takes it, if it is not taken too seriously, or in a wrong way, it's absoposilutely ok to give in! Then you can demand something spontaneously, of course taking under circumstances the conditions surrounding other half. Demand with understanding and love, not just vicefully, immorally demand. Your talking like demand happens there as an transaction in a static timeless reality, Where there is "full trust" and "true love", everything flows, no worries, just a joy ride with knowing someone is loving you, and trusts you, and that you love and trust back, and both love and trust self and the Greatest One. Under those Fulfilling, Amazing, Heavenly, Awesome, Supreme conditions that I just mentioned, demanding can sometimes feel sexy, bio-electric, ghost-whooping, fresh-breeze-healing, thunder-razing, goosebumps-nurturing, sacred-bells-pounding, rule-of-the-thumb-spiking!
Great lessons I got it. Never to get hurt again. For this video of course learn the lessons . He’s a cheater and I found out. Now he suffered the consequences. B cuz of he’s lyAttitude. Killing him self with a redwine one bottle a night.verbally abusive. 🤨
A Home Run..Should Listen To This Every Month..Even At My Tender Age Of 72..
I'm happy it helped you
Way to go i am 74!
❤❤❤❤❤
Such rare and important wisdom. I hope more people see this.
I learned more in a month listening to your teachings; and from your mastery program, then I leaned in 15 years listing to so manny other teachers. I guess prayers does work, because I prayed for a something different; for better life. And I got it trough you. I know this is deep. But hey I’m imperfect 😊. Thank you for the wonderful work you’re doing.
It's true. I mapped my previous relationship on romantic comedies I would watch. The crazy part is that it started out like a romantic comedy. I wasn't even expecting that. My ex was so enamored by me he thought I was the prettiest smartest girl out there. And would praise me everyday.
Somewhere deep down I knew i got In the relationship not because I loved him but because he did wonders to my self esteem.
Once he got preoccupied with his own life and wasn't able to give me the same attention, I got upset and despite him reminding me that he still loved me, I maintained the belief that since I was soo out of his league and yet I'm dating him, he owes me.
Which at that moment I wasn't able to realise how immature and most likely narcissistic I was.
Buy overall its crazy how movies and novels can shape our relationships.
So helpful Kenny. As someone who has come from this codependent life. Its my lifes purpose to break free of it for my future generations.
THIS advise is the REAL DEAL. Funny how most (or all?) all of the relationship coaches who get all the views are not married!!! I'm asking myself why I'm learning this at 50 but at the same time would I have understood it when I was younger? At any rate, I'm so happy I found Kenny it has been transformative and I'll never be the same after finding him. Thank you Kenny!!
Ok ok ok! Stop yelling at me lol
“why do you keep hurting yourself” REALLY hit home. I’ve been hurting myself for 34 years.
Thank you for this!
As a codependent woman I concur with this message! Do the work! Heal yourself, set healthy boundaries, love yourself and be willing to look at yourself! It’s so freeing!
You're the sharpest looking online therapist. Loved your purple and now your turquoise. I fully approve of your fashion and interior design sense. 😆 ok, now back to Coda trauma....
that was too funny… Now back to Coda trauma 🤦♂️🤪😂👌
Thank you for being here for us. Love from Albuquerque.
You're welcome!
Am listening to you all day long, you finally gave me the answer I needed and explained the “why” that took me two years to understand. Thank you 😊 I think that I need to have a one to one.
I'd be honored to help you.
@@kennyweiss I thank you for your prompt reply. How I can contact you for more details please?
This works for me. One of the best honest authentic truthful relationship videos I've ever seen.
I’m glad to hear that it helped you
I’m only 11:24min. In and I KNOW I need to hear this again. Thank you for explaining.
I get it now! Eye opening!
I'm going thru a divorce right now. I had to leave!! Your Videos have helped me so much. This one is Fantastic!! Keep them coming!! Best to your cause so to speak!!
You're work is helping me in many ways. Thank you for doing this!
Glad to help
This is so well explained!! Thank you!!
Thankyou. Health maybe in my future 🎉
Glad I found you! Help on my path. Thank you.
ALSO, I love your look with the four point hanke in your pocket!!! For me constant vigilance, recognizing feelings and that it is safe to express. After my husband passed, I learned just how codependent I had become. Now on journey of unlearning, accepting with a lot of help from my friends and fellowships. I just love your attitude which I have adopted having survived a Mother who went after my dates in high school. Thank you we can survive and thrive with constant vigilance and not retreating. One thing that I can control is my fiction writing, and that is truly the only thing. Deepest thanks for showing me how to be vulnerable. Are you familiar with Marisa Peers?
So grateful for this video! Thank you!
love this video. gives me chills and goosebumps
Narcissist are codependent? Empaths are co dependent? So how can I blame it all on the Narcissist? I gave away all my power for breadcrumbs of attention and specs of validation. In my case I was completely trauma bonded. I don't have another 20 years to give away. Being codependent makes me a target? I love how you challenge us to our part. Give us the awareness and tools to rise up. Thank you. ❤🙏
You are very welcome. And yes, we are always responsible for the only thing we can control, ourselves.😁
Sam: “Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like were nothing?”
Charlie: “We accept the love we think we deserve”
If you’d like to know the answer to that I wrote about it in my book. It’s called the worst day cycle
Another brilliant, down to earth talk Kenny. When I studied TA, I was advised to lose the should word from my vocabulary. It’s very parental and from the parent ego state, and I can just see the parent waging the finger as they say it. However, we were advised to replace ‘should’ with ‘could’, which gives us the power to choose. I hope that makes sense.
In my experience could is still a shame based response because it implies you didn’t try your best. Therefore, I always advise people to use the word word. I would have liked to have done ABC or D that is much more forgiving and much more excepting that we are human and perfectly imperfect. Both should and could are shame based perfectionist words
@@kennyweiss thanks for your reply. I would use could if someone asked my advice instead of saying should. E.g.you could get a place of your own which gives them The power to choose as opposed to you should get a place of your own. Or you should do this or that, I still don’t see how you could do this or that is shame based. Do you mean purely by making a suggestion, I would be shaming the other?
@@junegray5506 in my experience nobody wants to be told what they should or could do. So when someone asks me a question like that, my response would be… If it were me, I would consider these options.
In other words, I’m only sharing my experience, strength and hope and never telling somebody what they should, or could do.
Because think about it, when you say could and if they don’t, there’s an implied message that they are doing something wrong and we are telling them who they are, and what their capabilities are.
But we are not inside of them, we don’t know if they have the intellectual and emotional reserves in that moment to take that action. We don’t really know if they “could“ do the action we’re suggesting. Therefore, we are telling them who they are, and taking their inventory. It’s an implied message that we know what they are capable of and they don’t. Therefore, There is a codependence tied to both should and could.
That’s why it has been my experience that we make our suggestions about ourselves and allow them to come to a conclusion on their own, without feeling an obligation to take our suggestion. That’s called maturity, moderation and interdependence.
@@kennyweiss thank you so much for clarifying that point. I am very aware of talking about myself and what I did or might do in a particular situation. I find I suggest less and less what they could do although I do share your videos with people who are in a lot of pain and turmoil, hoping some of your wisdom will rub off on them. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.
Thanks for sharing I'm happy to hear this ❤️
You are so very welcome :)
this was great
I'm so glad to hear this! All my models were so disfunctional for sure and Disney is rediculous. How can we know what is healthy? For real! Great video
You're welcome 😁
By the way, Kenny Weiss, I like the construct of your online materials, very intelligently put together! working hard! 👍👍 for that!!!
You have pretty attractive voice! I need to find more time for your material.
Going through your videos and this one is spot on. Someone showing up lately and we hook into eachother but it isn't fun when I really listen. Both going forward and backward and secretly demanding things and move eachother around. But I'm the one letting them in but it's so hard to step out even when you know you have too for own health 😐
Brennan Manning wrote a book called the ragamuffin gospel.
If you're having problems coming to grips with who you are or who you are not I highly recommend it
I love you ❤
So what is the difference between setting boundaries and telling your partner what you won’t put up with in the relationship that kind of makes setting boundaries seem like manipulation. I’m confused
"you should read my mind". last time i met that toxid person and talked to her in hope of clearing things, she accused me, that i didn t adress some issues. she would have adressed me during the meet all the time on a telepathic level. and stupid me did not hear her telepathic begging.
I didn't even know I was doing this sometimes
Buying all the books and watching all the videos. I’m very tired of the hamster wheel of misery.
Good choice.
If you really want to get off the hamster wheel and learn the full process of healing, my suggestion would be my master classes. They’re only $47 a month and they walk you through the process from start to finish. Here’s the link if you’re ready to get off the wheel😁
thegreatnessu.com/p/the-complete-emotional-mastery-method
Kenny can you do one of these but on adult children that live at home. Because if we are paying for everything then it’s our right to have our morals and values. But the adult children want their morals and values, but have us pay for it!
Can you maybe someday compare codependency to 'Self Love Deficit Disorder'. This terms coined recently by Ross Rosenberg. He is asking the DSM board to eliminate 'codependency'. He is asking the board to rename this codependency disorder to self love deficit disorder. Do you have any thoughts to share on that subject?
Where can I find tha diagram that you held up at the begining of the talk?
Thank you for your courages speach. I understand the point, when it' s question about smal things. But for example, on my case, My relatives are quite responsible person, man are real masculine who does what is needed. Maybe not very romantic but very decent. I didn't understand that there can be persons who can be at home with kids, but don't give their food. Who prefers to play piano and can ignore his children. At that time ( when you are married and have two Kids) it was quite difficult to start take ownership. I was working, husband was at home, I and My daughters needed his support. There is nothing wrong with that. On my opinion, family is place of right kind of support. I think family is team where you work together to goals you have. Main goal may be rase children or some economical choise, spiritual goal, whatever. But in family we all need to be supported and parents need to shares responsibility. 😊❤😊I am Finnish elder lady, I appologize my poor english😅. Sometimes it triggers me a little, when it is said that I am responsible. For My stupidness eys, but I did all I could and understood at that time. I still appreciate very much your work. As a single mother nowadays I cannot afford lessons with fee, I think IT it very generous to share information for free. I just enjoyd open discuss. Thank you😊
Ok mr Weiss can i ask a question? Should my partner have been present for me at the hospital while our 3months fetus, at the first trimester of my pregnancy had no heart beat and i drove my shelf to be taken out from me?
Because when i asked him he said he couldn't tolerate the pain of the loss. He wasn't even there to get me to hospital or back home. As i was struggling with the loss of the baby i was also struggling with his absence at that moment of our lives. I tried to express my feelings about it 2 years after (!) and he was all denial..he said i don't understand why you should be more sad than me after all? Just because i don't have a womb? He made me feel i was being self centered about that.
So....should he be there for me? At that time i though he should. And i told him. And he decided no to be.
(Of course he was a codependent. Maybe i was too. I can see now. I'm on therapy right now facing my own demons and taking responsibility of my past 8yeard life. As we discussed it with my therapist, now im ok with the loss of our baby.. I mean its not like an open wound any more but i really was not with his absence)
Hey Eleni, that's a great question. Unfortunately, I don't think I will be able to type out my complete answer here in the comments. If you are interested though, you can submit your question via "Ask Kenny a Question" and I will send you a video response back with my thoughts and advice.direct.me/l/7nqH
I like how you went from calling the child a fetus to a baby.
My ex-wife and I went through a similar situation.
In private I cried my eyes out due to the loss of the child. Unfortunately to this day forty years later my ex-wife never dealt with it.
8:23
This was my ex-wife.
I was supposed to support her no matter how wrong she was
My ex used to tell me what I “should have said or done “. It made me furious!
15:30 People don't watch the videos that involve the work they have to do. But the video talking about how to identify a Narcissist gets 450k views.
Spot on!!!
Looks like i have homework to do.
True agree
oh wow way to turn it around 🤯
If we learn and
become healthier...
and know it, how about confirming what that looks, sounds like? Your audience might shrink, but they would be stronger...and you can be part of the reason.
In all of my videos at the end I share solutions and do exactly what you suggest. They are nuggets waiting for those who want to heal.
I don't have too much idea of what I am like. My friend's descriptions of me are always weird.
another one is You have to My family does that one a lot
when i m healed , how many sane people are there outside to have a realtionship with 😅
Just purchased your book as well as the two Pia Melody books. You definitely are making sense to me.
What happens if the person you married knew about your “must haves” and “can’t stands” and convinced you at the beginning that those were no issues for them and basically lied to get married? What if you only discover the deception after the marriage and kids?
Then you have a choice. You can choose to drop those desires and re define what matters to you or if it is non-negotiable, you leave. What we can not do is demand the other person change. We only have power over ourselves.
It is a fallacy that people will always stay the same. In every relationship we can only promise today. It is up to each person to wake up each day and ask themselves...does this still work for me? If so, we stay. If not we recognize that life changes and that is ok and we thank them for the part they played in our life without blame and we move on
.
It's sad that television has become our babysitter
No point in being in relationship especially if people can leave just like that 😔
What is wrong with demand in a true love relationship???
It depends how the other side takes it, if it is not taken too seriously, or in a wrong way, it's absoposilutely ok to give in!
Then you can demand something spontaneously, of course taking under circumstances the conditions surrounding other half.
Demand with understanding and love, not just vicefully, immorally demand.
Your talking like demand happens there as an transaction in a static timeless reality,
Where there is "full trust" and "true love", everything flows, no worries, just a joy ride with knowing someone is loving you, and trusts you,
and that you love and trust back, and both love and trust self and the Greatest One.
Under those Fulfilling, Amazing, Heavenly, Awesome, Supreme conditions that I just mentioned,
demanding can sometimes feel sexy, bio-electric, ghost-whooping, fresh-breeze-healing, thunder-razing,
goosebumps-nurturing, sacred-bells-pounding, rule-of-the-thumb-spiking!
Great lessons I got it. Never to get hurt again. For this video of course learn the lessons . He’s a cheater and I found out. Now he suffered the consequences. B cuz of he’s lyAttitude. Killing him self with a redwine one bottle a night.verbally abusive. 🤨
This evoke the old adage of 'blood is thicker than water'. But this is tribal-speak, no?
This is why I think Kenny is mostly right; but the Truth hurts - so people don't watch