I withdrew all supply for 3 months to get him to make the decision to move out. I realise now I was also negating the snapshot as I had to change my character to do it. He left and I deserve an Oscar
It's so true and accurate, because after a get sick, she began to devalued me! It was at this time impossible to understand why she act like this so inhuman against me, now I understand with this vídeo! Thank you!
It has been the experience of observing my narcissistic partner’s weird behaviour towards our 4 kids, that has truly clarified for me what he truly is, and how destructive and harmful. As they age beyond toddlerhood, it follows an accelerated pattern of conflict and alienation, as they resist his constant efforts to force them to be copies of himself ( in thought, tastes, etc) , suffocating their individuality. I am proud to see them reject this, pushing back... he cannot comprehend that ‘respect’ can not be bullied into children, only fear. Respect has to be earned, and demonstrated reciprocally. He makes no effort to know them as individuals, as to him they are not. They are mere possessions. As am I.
"Drop dead, but don't be gorgeous", made me cackle!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣 This opposition is exactly what I did to get away. It was a way of taking back my individuality.
that explains a lot why my ex would ask me to smile when i was sad,and multiple times i told her stop it its not normal to ask people to smile,people smile when they are happy and enjoying not all the time
LS lighten up seems to me, as he insults, criticizes, demeans you, or jokes about you, always a one up (in his mind ) it MEANS you can't CAN'T take a joke. YOU ARE THE JOKE. I always was told, You're TOO sensitive. Same thing. They play with your emotions, he has to destroy your sense of well-being. POKE POKE POKE. It is death by a thousand cuts. What do you think?
I always noticed when I got sick he would take off and avoid me. Now I get it, never understood until now. And it always bothered me because I was always right there mothering and nurturing him back to health when he was sick. He can lay there and rot from now on as far as I'm concerned 😒
I experienced the same. In my early stages with a covert narcissist she messaged me daily. The moment I let her know I was sick in bed with the flu, the messaging stopped for some days. Until I sent the next message. At that moment I didn't saw a connection, but later I did and a terrifying feeling got a hold on me. These are the people that let you just die if something happens. They walk away without a second thought.
Mine used to ignore me when ill and the stand by the bed saying 'When are you going to get better?' I once passed out with pain and when I came round he was standing over me looking at himself in the mirror. Didn't ask if I was ok or help me up.
Mine acted the exact same way. So cruel a d cold I never recognised him. I began to see the true him, cruel, vile and a swinging piece of marble for a heart
It never occurred to me that TH-cam would just delete them without bothering to inform me or ask for my input. Many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible. Watch this: ugetube.com/watch/social-media-sinister-rebel-orphaned-adolescents_VHKLtcOizzUIF2o.html
@@samvaknin 3 minutes in, I understand now. You are right, the banning of the videos simply proves it. You should write a book on the topic. I have a baby daughter and am collecting books for her to learn from when older and all content is banned!
It never occurred to me that TH-cam would just delete them without bothering to inform me or ask for my input. Many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible. Watch this: ugetube.com/watch/social-media-sinister-rebel-orphaned-adolescents_VHKLtcOizzUIF2o.html 4
Seriously this is an amazing explanation I have listen to so many videos podcast and read so many books about the subject over the last four years and I have never heard it put this way!
I can remember exactly when I became self aware as a toddler. I was the youngest of nine children, not all were there at the time but I was in a height chair at the end of a table full of siblings who were arguing over who got the baby’s leftovers. We were eating Campbells chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard them have the same argument but I made the connection that I was the baby they were talking about and much to their dismay I finished every bite and every drop of soup. In fact I never left anything on my plate for the jackals after that and quickly outgrew my brother who was 1.5 years older because he was a finicky eater. Becoming self aware that I have borderline personality disorder took a lot longer to accept and understand.
This explains why he became so hard when I told him that I wanted to be seen and heard in our relationship. Fortunately, I said this as I exited. It also explains why he'd become super anxious when I was quiet and minding my business. He would assume I was angry with him.
Not only well my silence and ignoring him irritate him but it also causes him to accuse me of things LOL because if I’m not showing emotion towards him and having conversations with him he thinks I must be talking to someone else 😂 Six years of abuse I can’t even imagine going into another relationship anytime soon so I’ll find it comical
The title delineates the valuable information for getting a narcissist to want to walk away...my preference (and path) was to just cut ties fully with a cold close. The true gem hidden within this video is the comprehensive explanation of the original individuation process. To wrap your head around that you will be a better parent...but as a victim of narcissistic abuse you will need to individuate and separate from it...this is the way.
Well dang even when she was complimenting me for being sexy and smart, it was only to refurbish her idealized image of me that took a hit when she really saw me as being ugly and stupid. I think I've now reached a point of diminishing returns on these videos.🙄
Interesting. Often had the impression this narc guy thought in stereotypes. He always seemed really frustrated that he couldn’t pin me down. He would say things like “you are so mysterious!!!” and I am not mysterious at all, I am just an intj female which is pretty far from your average girly girl, and he just couldn’t seem to get any kind of a grip on that at all. He would say things like “I know how you think” and I thought - no you really don’t at all, you are just thinking in a stereotype of who you think I would be - but I was kind of doing this increased agitating instinctively .. the more he tried to see me in that stereotypical “woman” way the more I “rebelled” against it. Yeah, it worked; he moved on - thank God 😏🙌
I, too, am an INTJ. Once I realized what I was dealing with in this narc, I turned a laser focus on him. Grey rock was pretty simple for me. I don't react much to begin with, but now I probably seem like a zombie to him. But it's only towards HIM, which I'm sure infuriates him. So much of my INTJ personality, and E5w4, is designed to not show emotion. So, while I'll probably need serious therapy to UNDO the changes I've made, it was really second nature, or at least the shadow side of both my mbt and my Ennegram.
I think have unintentionally mortified my Narc, which finally led to them for the first time attempting to eliminate me for real, including any servitude for favours and errands which was always her favourite. It was a very surprising thing that did it. It was just for the first time, refusing / delaying an errand/favour until my "boundaries" were clarified. (being treated with respect and appreciation, without gaslighting)
OMG one of his obsessions is constantly making me drop whatever I’m doing to run errands for him and take care of him because at 38 years old he can’t seem to get in his truck and go do it himself because he doesn’t like people and has social anxiety
Same here, he started to confabulate wild wild stories…. Accused me of the most alienated stuff. I demanded respect if our relationship should last and then he disappeared from earth.
My God, so true! He vanished both when I delivered our child (10 days at hospital) he only showed up twice and was in a rush, and also when our child and I got covid. He packed some stuff and left, until we tested positive. 😮
Not a surprise to me that when you change your snapshot and follow ways in which your authentic self can thrive, the narcissist takes measures that are "unhealthy, self-defeating, destructive". Mine went right into the lair of an attentive , not-yet divorced health care colleague. For 10 years he was obsessed. He destroyed his reputation and his family. I'm still working to recover.
When I met my ex I was working 1 day a week as an exotic dancer. Full time I did hair. Evidently his "snapshot" of me was "the stripper" in actuality I was a mom of two kids and a hairstylist. During our marriage, he would say things like, "why don't you act like you did before and pursue me?" I had NO idea what he was talking about. (we worked at a salon together and he'd come to my club 1 night.) He knew me as a fellow stylist. I was always so confused and it caused so much conflict between us. Fast forward 7 years he cheated on me, stating I "didn't flirt with him". He goes to rehab after breaking a 10 yr sobriety due to the cheating. They manage in therapy to get him to understand that the girl in the club WASN"T really me. He couldn't understand I could take her out of a box and put her away and go back to my "real" self. This just concreted why he thought that!! I couldn't understand his thought process.
I broke my narcissist. She has been my wife of 27 years. We are 40 and 43 accordingly. When I finally caught proof of her cheating, I went after her until she curled up, fetal position, on the floor under the kitchen table. She had been cheating, lying, stealing, backstabbing, etc. for 20 years. U called her out. But it didn't stop there. Having 10 years of heavy psychotherapy, and come to terms with my pathology before we met.
I did this without knowing but now it makes sense, he would ask me to wear my hair how I did when we first met, ask me to wear make up (a specific lip colour) I always refused because I couldn’t be bothered), soon came the devalue and discard 😂
This is undoubtedly one of the most valuable materials for people who are trying to get away from narcissists! Real shame that they don't know how easy it is to get rid of them. Before I even had a brush with real knowledge about them, I unconsciously put into practice the methods discussed by you. Acting in accordance with my nature and under the influence of my own intuition, I dissolved the avatar, adding a few minor humiliations to it. My goal was not to destroy narcissist, but to protect myself and put him on his place. He still doesn't know that I know, but he's not sure either. He probably scratched his head in confusion very few times, shifting from foot to foot😂 He politely and humbly withdrew and is unlikely to jump up. I generously let him disappear with his mask on. I think it was one of my the best moves ever. How do you think, profesor Sam?🙂
It seems like you're asking for some sort of validation :) I think it's self-deceiving to think that you humiliated him or even put him in his place - he never cared and he never will, you're a negligible amount to him. Politely and humbly are not adverbs (in this case) which can be attributed to a narcissistic person, as they do not care enough to /politely and humbly withdraw/, it's again something you tell yourself to feel somewhat empowered/ in control of the situation, yet you never were. What you can do instead is to be in control of your own self. Talking so highly about yourself, yet being here months later watching videos about narcissism and boasting about your victory by disregarding other people's experiences and acting delusional (i.e., real shame that they don't know how easy it is to get rid of them) means that you are still recovering - therefore you should be more humble about it. People who moved on don't boast about how they humiliated/ put somebody in their place, and don't make assumptions about the other person - even more so when it's a narcissistic person we're talking about, and especially not assumptions that would provide you with a false premise that you won something, anything. Your best move ever would be to move on, and there's probably nothing professor Sam would think about what you said, as it's clear that you haven't done so yet. Also, "real shame that they don't know how easy it is to get rid of them" has to be one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever read, preaching and boasting are signs of insecurity most of the times :) which you do come across as.
Sam Vaknin thank you for your response. This is fascinating and terrifying, and I would think, extremely frustrating for the narcissist as the child develops.
Thank you for providing new tools and explanations as to why they work. I think I have mortified him as he was humiliated by his friend and someone he respects after he had picked a public fight and I discarded him and he had a meltdown. He hasnt hoovered me so I think I am in the clear but he keeps old girlfriends around for decades. How will I know if I have mortified him? He is kind of a sometimes schizoid with me privately and cheating somatic with other women.
Thank you for the lecture.but please talk about the mortification technique because l have genuinely put in use the dissolving snapshot technique and the result is withdrawal plus silent treatment and aggressity for the late ten years .now l want to get him out of my life Thank you again and excuse my bad english
Im dead to my narc we both live with our son. He's in one room. im in a nother room, he left for 8 months came back totally ignores me im like a ghost my son loves him
Is it possible that once one changed dramatically and being discarded the narcissist could create a new snapshot finding new attributes to idealize and interact with the so called new object as if one was a totally different person?
Covid misinformation. But many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible.
I have had to go dark side. I went low as her. I am goin to need a soul smudging after I am done with this . This is gross. It’s absolutely neurotic and paranoia. How do people live like this ?
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. I'm on my healing journey. You are a big help to me! In your several videos, you say that the narcissist has introject constansy and there is no way to hand it over, never ever! even when the victim agrees and takes it on herself. You say, that he always fails, in both cases (when victim refuses and doesn't agree). Could you please explain it. I'm having a cognitive dissonance...
How does disability in an infant affect this needing reactions from his mother? For example, would hearing or vision loss interrupt this process, or would the baby be satisfied enough with the overall attention and caring from the mother?
Thank you for sharing so generously your wisdom, time and expertise, Dr. Vankin. The following question arose for me while watching this video: If the narcissist is angry and aggressive when his insignificant other is awake, but kisses while she is sleeping and he is say, leaving to work, is he in his mind interacting with her as an internal object in that moment?
I think you could really piss off a partner and they could get violent with you, from my own experience. We dont really know if the partner is a narcissist or what they are, just look at what i call "the body of evidence" their behavior,, and watch your step because they can hurt you. It is just better to have a well planned out exit, why stick around? I would have been scared shitless to try these techniques.
I have a violent x husband narcissist AND I COULD NEVER DO THESE THINGS!!! HE WOULD MURDER ME!! Which he actually tried to do and was sent to prison for.
They were (lost). It never occurred to me that TH-cam would just delete them without bothering to inform me or ask for my input. Covid misinformation. But many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible. Watch this: ugetube.com/watch/social-media-sinister-rebel-orphaned-adolescents_VHKLtcOizzUIF2o.html
Am I correct in understanding for every narcissistic relationship you have had, including your parent, do you have to go though and separate from them and work with each set of interjects from all these people? I really want to heal from all this and move on and be as healthy as possible, and I am willing to do the work.
Sam, what happens when the narc hasn't seen you in 6 months & your "glow up" is so beautiful & strong that he was never seen again. He disappeared. Is it possible to out-do not only your real self but the snapshot? I was so hot that night, I'm sure I put his own snapshot of me to shame. He's gonna have to not only re-idealize me, but the snapshot as well. 😆
hey sam i have a question,when i got diagnosed with cancer my ex behaved just like you said in the video,i also noticed she became paranoid and very out of touch with reality ,is this part of the result of the percived abandonment and respective anxiety? my ex got to the point of accusing me of faking it all,my exams the fact i had cancer and all that just to hurt her,totally paranoid
I was diagnosed with cancer on April 1st and discovered that he was cheating 2 months later. I feel like in any other circumstances I would have moved on much more easily, but something about chemotherapy and wondering how long I will live makes it hard to think in terms of the future.
I saw his mother in her hospital bed at her time of just weeks to live, she burst into sobbing tears as we were about to leave and go home. I went back to console her as anyone would. But before i made a step back to her, He, very forcefully grabbed my hand my arm and said "NO! We are leaving!" I said with concern " But she is crying, we cant leave her like that!" His face hardened and he avoided my face looking above my head instead & with gritted teeth he cruely said " I said We are going! He kept a very tight hold of my hand holding it down and kept walking. I would have had to make a scene to go back to his crying mother, and i chose not to do that. Sadly we didnt see her conscious after that. I felt confused about his conduct, and sad his mother was just left crying that day and no body cared. Seemed so mean and cold. I queeried him as we drove home, saying it was heartless to leave her, we should have gone back. He was quiet at first, then he spoke as if he had just thought up a brilliant reason not to go back. He said to me with his head held high "SHE wouldnt have wanted to be a burden on other people, so I (proudly) was saving her pride, rescueing her from the embarrassment of crying in front of others. I could only shake my head in disbelief. After that i was still confused that he just didnt seem to express any grief at all when she passed away not long after. However there was one moment at the funeral when his other parent and sibling were crying publically, so he went over to them to do the same. That was it. Nothing at all. You wouldnt want to be married to a partner like that i think. If he couldnt care much for his own mother, what chance would he have to care towards anyone else.
@@margareth1504 We my late husbands best friend died. We were on the way to the funeral in the car. He started to think about his and cry. I asked if he was okay. He stopped and smiled and said that was a tough couple of minutes. That was this concept of grieving. I was so weird and alien to me. He never cried or even looked sad over it again.
If the partner were to dress up and go out, would that really impact them in that way? I saw on your other video regarding covert narcissism that they become doormats and this becomes an allowable, almost desirable result. If that's the case, wouldn't this action produce a covert narcissist?
I've a few follow up questions if I may? As a mum of 3, I'm intrigued as to how our parenting approach (time available, tiredness, money, emotions..) impact each different child (the bio-psycho-social conundrum!) Also are narcs mostly 1st born, or not? What specifically does/doesn't a mother do/not do/should do/shouldn't do, at these early stages to aid the child's self development into a neurotypical, not narc, person. Finally, if the mum is the key & she's still consciously or unconsciously controlling the narc - as a puppet master - from the wings, what can be achieved by confronting the mum? Obviously, if she's a TP not much, but if she's oblivious, surely she could help? Thanks in advance, for your feedback...
So a person would choose these snapshots because he hates himself and cannot meet his own needs by himself? It becomes an maladaptive strategy to meet his own needs? I was just trying to flip this toward a codependent viewpoint where a person would use day dreaming and fantasies of a photshopped snapshot of a narcissist to get love from an impossible source.
Dr Vaknin, excellent lecture. I have two questions though. When dealing with narcissistic parents, is greyrocking less effective than going no contact?As you are their proper slave they wouldn’t let go so easily? And also you mentioned illness, but would this be sometimes form of narcissistic supply, like in Munchausen syndrome?
Like he said, you have to have a psychopathic streak to do it without experiencing a lot of negative emotions on your part. You could be relatively unbothered by hurting people and still be mentally healthy.
You need to be heartless to mortify the narc? 😅 After all he's done, no problem. Especially since he "doesn't feel anything" anyway. Talk about crocodile tears. It would be like destroying an old computer. 😉
If you ask him something very difficult to do for like giving his property to someone else for free or you will leave him. If he prefers to leave, is the relationship over forever ? knowing that even if he comes back he will have to do that thinh he doesnt wanna do. Thank you for all your videos Dr Vaknin
when I disolved the Snapshot on the brink of my own suicide I didn't know who I was you are crazy you need help go to therapy or you will loose me when I started to fight back she started to fight herself
Lol i remember moments of breathing out, couching or clearing my throath where my narc gf at the time would snap her at towards me proclaiming : WHAT? as if i am adressing her 😂 fat b word im trying to beat the nameless king naked gtfo
I withdrew all supply for 3 months to get him to make the decision to move out. I realise now I was also negating the snapshot as I had to change my character to do it. He left and I deserve an Oscar
It's so true and accurate, because after a get sick, she began to devalued me! It was at this time impossible to understand why she act like this so inhuman against me, now I understand with this vídeo! Thank you!
It has been the experience of observing my narcissistic partner’s weird behaviour towards our 4 kids, that has truly clarified for me what he truly is, and how destructive and harmful. As they age beyond toddlerhood, it follows an accelerated pattern of conflict and alienation, as they resist his constant efforts to force them to be copies of himself ( in thought, tastes, etc) , suffocating their individuality. I am proud to see them reject this, pushing back... he cannot comprehend that ‘respect’ can not be bullied into children, only fear. Respect has to be earned, and demonstrated reciprocally. He makes no effort to know them as individuals, as to him they are not. They are mere possessions. As am I.
This fear is where I’m headed.
"Drop dead, but don't be gorgeous", made me cackle!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣 This opposition is exactly what I did to get away. It was a way of taking back my individuality.
that explains a lot why my ex would ask me to smile when i was sad,and multiple times i told her stop it its not normal to ask people to smile,people smile when they are happy and enjoying not all the time
The narcissist I was married to used to say : Lighten up! And that always confused me.
LS lighten up seems to me, as he insults, criticizes, demeans you, or jokes about you, always a one up (in his mind ) it MEANS you can't CAN'T take a joke. YOU ARE THE JOKE. I always was told, You're TOO sensitive. Same thing. They play with your emotions, he has to destroy your sense of well-being. POKE POKE POKE. It is death by a thousand cuts. What do you think?
I always noticed when I got sick he would take off and avoid me. Now I get it, never understood until now. And it always bothered me because I was always right there mothering and nurturing him back to health when he was sick. He can lay there and rot from now on as far as I'm concerned 😒
I experienced the same. In my early stages with a covert narcissist she messaged me daily. The moment I let her know I was sick in bed with the flu, the messaging stopped for some days. Until I sent the next message. At that moment I didn't saw a connection, but later I did and a terrifying feeling got a hold on me. These are the people that let you just die if something happens. They walk away without a second thought.
Mine used to ignore me when ill and the stand by the bed saying 'When are you going to get better?'
I once passed out with pain and when I came round he was standing over me looking at himself in the mirror. Didn't ask if I was ok or help me up.
I had a heart attack, he went on a 3 week holiday the day after I came out of hospital
Mine acted the exact same way. So cruel a d cold I never recognised him. I began to see the true him, cruel, vile and a swinging piece of marble for a heart
That youtube has censored these videos is deeply troubling to say the least. Soon you will only be able to discuss unicorns and makeup online and off.
It never occurred to me that TH-cam would just delete them without bothering to inform me or ask for my input. Many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible. Watch this: ugetube.com/watch/social-media-sinister-rebel-orphaned-adolescents_VHKLtcOizzUIF2o.html
@@samvaknin 3 minutes in, I understand now. You are right, the banning of the videos simply proves it. You should write a book on the topic. I have a baby daughter and am collecting books for her to learn from when older and all content is banned!
What? Why is he being censored?
Macro, system level narcissistism. 😬
'By what's left of Sam Vaknin' 🤣😂
How frustrating that TH-cam deleted some of professor Vaknin's videos! Such valuable information 😔
It never occurred to me that TH-cam would just delete them without bothering to inform me or ask for my input. Many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible. Watch this: ugetube.com/watch/social-media-sinister-rebel-orphaned-adolescents_VHKLtcOizzUIF2o.html
4
@soft kisclosure 😢
must have been a narcissist that deleted Professor Vaknin!
The narcissists are at work fearing the truth
Seriously this is an amazing explanation I have listen to so many videos podcast and read so many books about the subject over the last four years and I have never heard it put this way!
Thank you. I’m learning a lot from your videos. I appreciate you sharing your expertise and knowledge.
I can remember exactly when I became self aware as a toddler. I was the youngest of nine children, not all were there at the time but I was in a height chair at the end of a table full of siblings who were arguing over who got the baby’s leftovers. We were eating Campbells chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard them have the same argument but I made the connection that I was the baby they were talking about and much to their dismay I finished every bite and every drop of soup. In fact I never left anything on my plate for the jackals after that and quickly outgrew my brother who was 1.5 years older because he was a finicky eater. Becoming self aware that I have borderline personality disorder took a lot longer to accept and understand.
Merci professeur.
This explains why he became so hard when I told him that I wanted to be seen and heard in our relationship. Fortunately, I said this as I exited. It also explains why he'd become super anxious when I was quiet and minding my business. He would assume I was angry with him.
Not only well my silence and ignoring him irritate him but it also causes him to accuse me of things LOL because if I’m not showing emotion towards him and having conversations with him he thinks I must be talking to someone else 😂 Six years of abuse I can’t even imagine going into another relationship anytime soon so I’ll find it comical
Thank you,tour freeing me,thank you,thank you...🙂
The title delineates the valuable information for getting a narcissist to want to walk away...my preference (and path) was to just cut ties fully with a cold close.
The true gem hidden within this video is the comprehensive explanation of the original individuation process. To wrap your head around that you will be a better parent...but as a victim of narcissistic abuse you will need to individuate and separate from it...this is the way.
Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
This is beyond ingenius information. Superb insight and intelligently and simply explained.
👏👏👏👏👏 I always keep applauding you
Well dang even when she was complimenting me for being sexy and smart, it was only to refurbish her idealized image of me that took a hit when she really saw me as being ugly and stupid. I think I've now reached a point of diminishing returns on these videos.🙄
Good described!!!
Good described!! Same here!!
Well, this is a very deep subject!
My mother started to tell me " you are mortifing me or' Don't mortify me ,since a was four years olod
Interesting. Often had the impression this narc guy thought in stereotypes. He always seemed really frustrated that he couldn’t pin me down. He would say things like “you are so mysterious!!!” and I am not mysterious at all, I am just an intj female which is pretty far from your average girly girl, and he just couldn’t seem to get any kind of a grip on that at all. He would say things like “I know how you think” and I thought - no you really don’t at all, you are just thinking in a stereotype of who you think I would be - but I was kind of doing this increased agitating instinctively .. the more he tried to see me in that stereotypical “woman” way the more I “rebelled” against it. Yeah, it worked; he moved on - thank God 😏🙌
Infj here and everything you've mentioned has been a part od my dynamic as well. And the stereotypes on my end are so disgusting
I, too, am an INTJ. Once I realized what I was dealing with in this narc, I turned a laser focus on him. Grey rock was pretty simple for me. I don't react much to begin with, but now I probably seem like a zombie to him. But it's only towards HIM, which I'm sure infuriates him. So much of my INTJ personality, and E5w4, is designed to not show emotion. So, while I'll probably need serious therapy to UNDO the changes I've made, it was really second nature, or at least the shadow side of both my mbt and my Ennegram.
I think have unintentionally mortified my Narc, which finally led to them for the first time attempting to eliminate me for real, including any servitude for favours and errands which was always her favourite. It was a very surprising thing that did it. It was just for the first time, refusing / delaying an errand/favour until my "boundaries" were clarified. (being treated with respect and appreciation, without gaslighting)
OMG one of his obsessions is constantly making me drop whatever I’m doing to run errands for him and take care of him because at 38 years old he can’t seem to get in his truck and go do it himself because he doesn’t like people and has social anxiety
Same here, he started to confabulate wild wild stories…. Accused me of the most alienated stuff. I demanded respect if our relationship should last and then he disappeared from earth.
Thank you Sam for your insights.
Fascinating Sam, thank you
My God, so true! He vanished both when I delivered our child (10 days at hospital) he only showed up twice and was in a rush, and also when our child and I got covid. He packed some stuff and left, until we tested positive. 😮
You are really amazing.
Not a surprise to me that when you change your snapshot and follow ways in which your authentic self can thrive, the narcissist takes measures that are "unhealthy, self-defeating, destructive". Mine went right into the lair of an attentive , not-yet divorced health care colleague. For 10 years he was obsessed. He destroyed his reputation and his family. I'm still working to recover.
Mother = "Me" + "other" .... m-other
thank you professor 👨🏫
So he would give me fake compliments when I wasn't looking good enough for him??? Oh my gosh 😂
When I met my ex I was working 1 day a week as an exotic dancer. Full time I did hair. Evidently his "snapshot" of me was "the stripper" in actuality I was a mom of two kids and a hairstylist. During our marriage, he would say things like, "why don't you act like you did before and pursue me?" I had NO idea what he was talking about. (we worked at a salon together and he'd come to my club 1 night.) He knew me as a fellow stylist. I was always so confused and it caused so much conflict between us. Fast forward 7 years he cheated on me, stating I "didn't flirt with him". He goes to rehab after breaking a 10 yr sobriety due to the cheating. They manage in therapy to get him to understand that the girl in the club WASN"T really me. He couldn't understand I could take her out of a box and put her away and go back to my "real" self. This just concreted why he thought that!! I couldn't understand his thought process.
Wow
Dont do this to a borderline, youll make them a stalker 😂
I did grey rock subconsciously- it all happened from feeling abused wow
I broke my narcissist. She has been my wife of 27 years. We are 40 and 43 accordingly. When I finally caught proof of her cheating, I went after her until she curled up, fetal position, on the floor under the kitchen table. She had been cheating, lying, stealing,
backstabbing, etc. for 20 years. U called her out.
But it didn't stop there. Having 10 years of heavy psychotherapy, and come to terms with my pathology before we met.
Holy fuck!
Thank you!
I did this without knowing but now it makes sense, he would ask me to wear my hair how I did when we first met, ask me to wear make up (a specific lip colour) I always refused because I couldn’t be bothered), soon came the devalue and discard 😂
This is undoubtedly one of the most valuable materials for people who are trying to get away from narcissists! Real shame that they don't know how easy it is to get rid of them. Before I even had a brush with real knowledge about them, I unconsciously put into practice the methods discussed by you. Acting in accordance with my nature and under the influence of my own intuition, I dissolved the avatar, adding a few minor humiliations to it. My goal was not to destroy narcissist, but to protect myself and put him on his place. He still doesn't know that I know, but he's not sure either. He probably scratched his head in confusion very few times, shifting from foot to foot😂 He politely and humbly withdrew and is unlikely to jump up. I generously let him disappear with his mask on. I think it was one of my the best moves ever. How do you think, profesor Sam?🙂
It seems like you're asking for some sort of validation :) I think it's self-deceiving to think that you humiliated him or even put him in his place - he never cared and he never will, you're a negligible amount to him. Politely and humbly are not adverbs (in this case) which can be attributed to a narcissistic person, as they do not care enough to /politely and humbly withdraw/, it's again something you tell yourself to feel somewhat empowered/ in control of the situation, yet you never were. What you can do instead is to be in control of your own self. Talking so highly about yourself, yet being here months later watching videos about narcissism and boasting about your victory by disregarding other people's experiences and acting delusional (i.e., real shame that they don't know how easy it is to get rid of them) means that you are still recovering - therefore you should be more humble about it. People who moved on don't boast about how they humiliated/ put somebody in their place, and don't make assumptions about the other person - even more so when it's a narcissistic person we're talking about, and especially not assumptions that would provide you with a false premise that you won something, anything. Your best move ever would be to move on, and there's probably nothing professor Sam would think about what you said, as it's clear that you haven't done so yet.
Also, "real shame that they don't know how easy it is to get rid of them" has to be one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever read, preaching and boasting are signs of insecurity most of the times :) which you do come across as.
Do narcissists make idealized snapshots of their own children, if so, at what age does this tend to happen?
Instantly. Narcissists snapshot during the first second of an encounter with a potential source of supply (which is how they regard their children).
Sam Vaknin thank you for your response. This is fascinating and terrifying, and I would think, extremely frustrating for the narcissist as the child develops.
Why is it after his mother death he is so focused on having a child. His only is 10. Does he need a child for a supply or snapshot role
Thank you for providing new tools and explanations as to why they work. I think I have mortified him as he was humiliated by his friend and someone he respects after he had picked a public fight and I discarded him and he had a meltdown. He hasnt hoovered me so I think I am in the clear but he keeps old girlfriends around for decades. How will I know if I have mortified him? He is kind of a sometimes schizoid with me privately and cheating somatic with other women.
whats to stop the narc from creating a new snap shop of you that he wants to target after you disolve the last snap shot?
Thank you for the lecture.but please talk about the mortification technique because l have genuinely put in use the dissolving snapshot technique and the result is withdrawal plus silent treatment and aggressity for the late ten years .now l want to get him out of my life
Thank you again and excuse my bad english
Im dead to my narc we both live with our son. He's in one room. im in a nother room, he left for 8 months came back totally ignores me im like a ghost my son loves him
Is it possible that once one changed dramatically and being discarded the narcissist could create a new snapshot finding new attributes to idealize and interact with the so called new object as if one was a totally different person?
Watch my vid on re-idealization.
@@samvaknin thank you so much.
Why did TH-cam delete many of Sam Vankin’s videos? What was there stated reason?
Covid misinformation. But many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible.
@Lisa Baker SPOT ON!!!
Watch this: ugetube.com/watch/social-media-sinister-rebel-orphaned-adolescents_VHKLtcOizzUIF2o.html
I have had to go dark side. I went low as her. I am goin to need a soul smudging after I am done with this . This is gross. It’s absolutely neurotic and paranoia. How do people live like this ?
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin. I'm on my healing journey. You are a big help to me! In your several videos, you say that the narcissist has introject constansy and there is no way to hand it over, never ever! even when the victim agrees and takes it on herself. You say, that he always fails, in both cases (when victim refuses and doesn't agree). Could you please explain it. I'm having a cognitive dissonance...
Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist.
@Sam I moved out while he was away on a business trip. Is that mortifying?
How does disability in an infant affect this needing reactions from his mother? For example, would hearing or vision loss interrupt this process, or would the baby be satisfied enough with the overall attention and caring from the mother?
Thank you for sharing so generously your wisdom, time and expertise, Dr. Vankin.
The following question arose for me while watching this video: If the narcissist is angry and aggressive when his insignificant other is awake, but kisses while she is sleeping and he is say, leaving to work, is he in his mind interacting with her as an internal object in that moment?
Good question. Did you ever figure it out?
Can those techniques trigger rage and end up in agression/murder if the partner has already acted violently?
No. But mirroring his aggression can.
I think you could really piss off a partner and they could get violent with you, from my own experience. We dont really know if the partner is a narcissist or what they are, just look at what i call "the body of evidence" their behavior,, and watch your step because they can hurt you. It is just better to have a well planned out exit, why stick around? I would have been scared shitless to try these techniques.
I have a violent x husband narcissist AND I COULD NEVER DO THESE THINGS!!! HE WOULD MURDER ME!! Which he actually tried to do and was sent to prison for.
Dear Sam, do you plan to re-upload the videos deleted from your channel somewhere, maybe another platform? Incredibly valuable ressources got lost...
They were (lost). It never occurred to me that TH-cam would just delete them without bothering to inform me or ask for my input. Covid misinformation. But many videos were deleted for "hate speech" (against "empaths", "recovered narcissists", and Borderlines). Never mind that every sentence I utter is based on copious studies and it taught in universities (I am a professor of psychology in several universities around the world www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html ). TH-cam deranked ("shadowbanned") me because I am attacking two main sources of advertising income: perpetual "victims" and the con artists who enable them for personal gain. So, now my channel is totally invisible. Watch this: ugetube.com/watch/social-media-sinister-rebel-orphaned-adolescents_VHKLtcOizzUIF2o.html
i have learned from the narc
Am I correct in understanding for every narcissistic relationship you have had, including your parent, do you have to go though and separate from them and work with each set of interjects from all these people? I really want to heal from all this and move on and be as healthy as possible, and I am willing to do the work.
Good question
Sam, what happens when the narc hasn't seen you in 6 months & your "glow up" is so beautiful & strong that he was never seen again. He disappeared. Is it possible to out-do not only your real self but the snapshot? I was so hot that night, I'm sure I put his own snapshot of me to shame. He's gonna have to not only re-idealize me, but the snapshot as well. 😆
That was a really cute comment. So you were looking so hot that you devalued his idealized snapshot? 🤣 good for you!💖
How much weight does the no contact carry..does it help with showing a meaner side and ultimately screwing up the snapshot?
Yes. It can even cause mortification if it involves public shaming and humiliation - or cheating and betrayal.
hey sam i have a question,when i got diagnosed with cancer my ex behaved just like you said in the video,i also noticed she became paranoid and very out of touch with reality ,is this part of the result of the percived abandonment and respective anxiety?
my ex got to the point of accusing me of faking it all,my exams the fact i had cancer and all that just to hurt her,totally paranoid
They like to do that - abandoning partner in time of need.
I was diagnosed with cancer on April 1st and discovered that he was cheating 2 months later. I feel like in any other circumstances I would have moved on much more easily, but something about chemotherapy and wondering how long I will live makes it hard to think in terms of the future.
I saw his mother in her hospital bed at her time of just weeks to live, she burst into sobbing tears as we were about to leave and go home. I went back to console her as anyone would. But before i made a step back to her, He, very forcefully grabbed my hand my arm and said "NO! We are leaving!" I said with concern " But she is crying, we cant leave her like that!" His face hardened and he avoided my face looking above my head instead & with gritted teeth he cruely said " I said We are going! He kept a very tight hold of my hand holding it down and kept walking. I would have had to make a scene to go back to his crying mother, and i chose not to do that. Sadly we didnt see her conscious after that. I felt confused about his conduct, and sad his mother was just left crying that day and no body cared. Seemed so mean and cold. I queeried him as we drove home, saying it was heartless to leave her, we should have gone back. He was quiet at first, then he spoke as if he had just thought up a brilliant reason not to go back. He said to me with his head held high "SHE wouldnt have wanted to be a burden on other people, so I (proudly) was saving her pride, rescueing her from the embarrassment of crying in front of others. I could only shake my head in disbelief. After that i was still confused that he just didnt seem to express any grief at all when she passed away not long after. However there was one moment at the funeral when his other parent and sibling were crying publically, so he went over to them to do the same. That was it. Nothing at all. You wouldnt want to be married to a partner like that i think. If he couldnt care much for his own mother, what chance would he have to care towards anyone else.
@@margareth1504 We my late husbands best friend died. We were on the way to the funeral in the car. He started to think about his and cry. I asked if he was okay. He stopped and smiled and said that was a tough couple of minutes. That was this concept of grieving. I was so weird and alien to me. He never cried or even looked sad over it again.
I have the 2015 version of your book. What new revisions will be in the 10th additions?
Not worth buying another copy. Stick with what you already have. Thank you for your business and interest.
@@samvaknin You're welcome Doc. Thank you for giving us Nons a view and a way to help ourselves. 🇮🇱
Do Narcissist mothers snapshot their children?
Yes.
If the partner were to dress up and go out, would that really impact them in that way? I saw on your other video regarding covert narcissism that they become doormats and this becomes an allowable, almost desirable result. If that's the case, wouldn't this action produce a covert narcissist?
I've a few follow up questions if I may?
As a mum of 3, I'm intrigued as to how our parenting approach (time available, tiredness, money, emotions..) impact each different child (the bio-psycho-social conundrum!)
Also are narcs mostly 1st born, or not?
What specifically does/doesn't a mother do/not do/should do/shouldn't do, at these early stages to aid the child's self development into a neurotypical, not narc, person.
Finally, if the mum is the key & she's still consciously or unconsciously controlling the narc - as a puppet master - from the wings, what can be achieved by confronting the mum? Obviously, if she's a TP not much, but if she's oblivious, surely she could help?
Thanks in advance, for your feedback...
So a person would choose these snapshots because he hates himself and cannot meet his own needs by himself? It becomes an maladaptive strategy to meet his own needs? I was just trying to flip this toward a codependent viewpoint where a person would use day dreaming and fantasies of a photshopped snapshot of a narcissist to get love from an impossible source.
Dr Vaknin, excellent lecture. I have two questions though. When dealing with narcissistic parents, is greyrocking less effective than going no contact?As you are their proper slave they wouldn’t let go so easily? And also you mentioned illness, but would this be sometimes form of narcissistic supply, like in Munchausen syndrome?
No contact is the gold standard. As to Munchausen, do your homework and search the channel.
@@samvaknin thank you
I have a question Dr. Vaknin, the use of these techniques in someone healthy will cause anxiety too? or only to narcissists?
Like he said, you have to have a psychopathic streak to do it without experiencing a lot of negative emotions on your part. You could be relatively unbothered by hurting people and still be mentally healthy.
Thank you Dr. Vaknin. Is it possible to eventually dissolve when co-parenting and cannot go no contact?
Dissolve - yes. Go no contact - depends on your custody arrangements.
How do siblings form snapshots when they grew up together
What does growing up together have to do with anything?
In earlier videos you’ve stated that Borderlines were on the track to become Narcissists but something happened, could you elaborate?
I was quoting Grothstein. Do your homework and find the relevant videos on my channel.
You need to be heartless to mortify the narc? 😅 After all he's done, no problem. Especially since he "doesn't feel anything" anyway. Talk about crocodile tears. It would be like destroying an old computer. 😉
If you ask him something very difficult to do for like giving his property to someone else for free or you will leave him. If he prefers to leave, is the relationship over forever ? knowing that even if he comes back he will have to do that thinh he doesnt wanna do. Thank you for all your videos Dr Vaknin
Drop dead but don't be gorgeous! 🤤😁😁😁
I ghosting him. I dissolve my snapchot ?
No.
What happens to my snapchot after ghosting him ? Thank you
Archived for future re-activation.
Thank you for your answer and your time Dr Vaknin.
when I disolved the Snapshot on the brink of my own suicide I didn't know who I was you are crazy you need help go to therapy or you will loose me when I started to fight back she started to fight herself
TH-cam deleted your videos! Jesus Christ! I know a lot of TH-cam videos are shit, but they should make an effort to keep the good ones!
Id been married 28yrs
Lol i remember moments of breathing out, couching or clearing my throath where my narc gf at the time would snap her at towards me proclaiming : WHAT? as if i am adressing her 😂 fat b word im trying to beat the nameless king naked gtfo
Basically “how to become a narcissist” lol