The narcissist I was with never asked me any questions about myself or my life. He would always say that he doesn't need to do that and that he finds out what he needs by just observing me. Huge imbalance and lack of true interest and intimacy....meanwhile, me being interested in him was definitely supply for him.
“The lessons can be discovered and then lost” in a continuous cycle. They can briefly cognitively contemplate the meaning of the lesson, but like he said, it disintegrates because it never attaches to any long lasting deep emotions or feelings. Within days, weeks, or mere moments it’s forgotten and the impulse to seek pleasure and supply is all that matters.
Just walked out of my marriage after 7 years. Could not take the emotional abuse anymore. Gave him 3 chances. 4 weeks no contact. I am his 5th wife. He claimed that we made the mistakes and he did nothing wrong. He is 60y old. Good luck for him. Not taking him back. I deserve better. He will come begging again. Oh boy do I have news for him. I filled fot a divorce. He was always so proud to tell everyone that he divorced the other 4...what now, no 5 are divorcing you. He was served with the divorce papers infront of his co-workers. Even if he beggs I finished with him. Blocked him, no contact will remain. Im proud of myself for not running after him again. Im free!!!!!
@jwcobarthis passed few months I stood up to him and told him that I will not take his grap anymore....he left. Why do they always accuse you of having an affair. By the way Im from South Africa
@jwcobarI did not do it for the money. Paid my own bills but it helped that he contributed towards food, electr ex. He said if he had not met me at that specific time he would have brought Helena (Russian girl) in to SA. He broke of with Helena after promising her a live in SA. I saw the plane ticket with my own eyes
After the love-bombing ended, when I was still very much interested in him, I would ask those questions about his day, his family, etc. And the reaction was vastly different then when he was love bombing. It was as Vaknin said. He acted a bit offended that I remembered the things he freely told me during love bombing. I was confused but now I understand. Intimacy means we are equals. That can never be.
I can totally relate to the change in narrative later on after the love bombing stage.. he absolutely played the victim with people who clearly walked away from him.. narcs because they are not wise are often too honest and will slip and call themselves out...
My alcoholic narcissist husband shot me in the head on his way out the door. The children and I survived but he drank himself to death. If you are with a narcissist believe me they are dangerous
@@deepsmoviereviews3212 it's true that they have a different mindset. However, they operate from the same internal rule book as. narcissists in grooming and entangling their supply. The monster referenced in this comment feed was clearly a psychopath. Narcissism is a part of their craft. That's why she's here watching this. It fits the bill.
" Incapable of intimacy". That's the most important thing I wished I had known. A normal person would never know that all the vacations, love making, and time spent together did not mean he experienced intimacy. I did notice that every time things were going really well, he would find a way to destroy everything good. Then, he'd create stories in which he could blame me.
My wife does this. I seek intimacy, and it is rejected. Videos like this help me understand that the rejection is because she is incapable of intimacy outside of manipulation. When I became resistant to manipulation, intimacy stopped. Even my kids tell me mommy doesn’t play with them. She says she does though, “when I’m not home”, and I never see it when I am home. Hard to believe her over the kids. 💔
Dr. Sam, listening to your talk has helped me to safe myself from ultimate disaster. I have a peaceful life today as I have discarded all narcissist people from it. World is a better place now. Thanks so much.
Imagine how beautiful a society would be without narcissists or psychopaths or pedophiles or thieves or violent criminals or rapists or any of the like. Just people who want everyone to do well, a level playing field were people rejoice in other people’s success.
@timmothyburke that would be an unbalanced world Tipping too Heavily to one side, it's what you see right now in the world it's extremely unbalanced tipped more to the dark side, so we see expierience more darkness than light
My ex would say about empathy “It’s childish and immature to not look out for yourself. If someone can’t do those things for themselves then you are only insulting them with your help.” He felt insulted by most people and sometimes animals... if the animals were enjoying people’s attention.
Rachel Harville ❤️ So sorry about your dog. Wouldn’t be surprising. I found out about my ex killing his own pets because he wanted to move and the place he liked was “no pets”. He had three large snakes he put in his freezer. Once they froze to death... he threw them away. When I asked him why he didn’t give them to a pet store instead of killing them, he laughed and said, “They were mine to do with what I wanted.”
Rachel Harville so sorry for the loss of your fury friend. Mine hated my dog from all his heart, never allowed me to take him with us when we went walking. Had to go a second time with my dog. 20 years later i‘d tell him, i prefer my dog of your companionship.
The worst part of these videos (for me personally) is that you only get to fully understand and appreciate the absolutely striking accuracy of the content, only AFTER you have "experienced" a narcissist. I keep listening to you and absolutely everything makes so much sense now, about my exes. I wish I've learned about narcissism earlier, but then I realize that even if I've had a chance to listen to you 20 years ago, all of this probably wouldn't make any sense to me and I wouldn't understand anything.
💯That’s why I don’t believe those field-experts, who have gained their knowledge and expertise by “only” studying the concepts and textbook material, would most likely not able to fully grasp the concept even with highest GPA’s and most honorable phd/doctorate degrees.
You know how you notice something is bothering someone and you ask, “Are you Okay?”. He would get instantly Into a rage Yelling, “Stop asking me am I ok, let me be Me. “ He would also hate if I have empathy for anyone. I can’t believe what I have been through.
In my heart, I always had hope for the narcissist, that if I love him enough and show enough empathy, he would get it and change. But you are right: Empathy is wasted on the narcissist. So very sad, that we have to let these people go because there is no hope..
I reconected with my great love after 4 years. I waited for one meaningful hug. One word that would create a bond. Connection. Heart to heart. Unless I gave a hug there was none for me. So I could not make love to him. Based on what ? No meaningful talk. Just a need for sex. I saw it that he suffered. Felt rejected. Went at night to a beach for a stroll due to heartache. But instead of a talk there was just one fight after another or withraw. My heart just broke. Again. But now I just accepted him and the way he is and slowly understand that this is how he is and vulnerability is not what I will ever experience with him. Love him to pieces but I just run on empty
@@orianam9835so now can u stop being desperate...because it shows desperation and im not coming out of cruelty or anything I do understand and probably way worse...it's not just empathy but desperation from somewhere he is NOT the only man that exists 🤗
In other words, if you insist on interacting with a narcissist you have to behave exactly like him/her: no questions, no empathy, no advice, no love or attention... nothing at all. That is sick! That's why I walked away from my relationship with my narcissist.
you have to because if you disagree or have your own opinion on things they will think you are being malicious towards them. my ex was extremely competitive to the point i couldnt tell him when great things happened for me. you know its pathetic when you cant even share positive things with your partner.
Thank you ! This answers a question that has baffled me re: why they seem to be repulsed by “agape” love . Where unconditional love is what 99% of all human beings respond to and search for - the narcissist seems to react paradoxically to it! Now I know why . Very enlightening video. Finally a real “expert” rather than the self proclaimed TH-cam so called “experts” ! 👍
@MariaMurphy Great point! I totally get what ur saying as I too have been there done that ! I apologize if I triggered you - I’m obviously still co-dependent & I appreciate your honest feedback! 🙏
@@evka24, yet my ex narc actually said to me, “I need you.” This was during the lovebombing phase. It has taken on a whole new meaning now that I know what he is! But I still wonder if he was actually aware of its double meaning at the time he said it. Moot point now. I’m free!
He resents my empathy and looks down on me for having it but has no problem taking note of my empathetic responses and mimics them, even using my exact same words to other people. It's a nightmare trying to understand this for those of us who don't speak narc. I will say though my narc loves small talk incessant mindless small talk he uses it to either avoid intimacy or get people who don't know him to spill their guts to him.
I went through the same with my ex narc friend. She is such a devil to show the ugly to me and angel face to everyone else..I didn’t know why she was behaving like that back then...I was wondering that I am not smart enough to have friends
Oh my gosh. This is spot on & explains a lot. My narc gave me the silent treatment for a week on our one year anniversary because I made the comment “wow, it’s look how much better both of our lives have become in this year together.” And the information sharing, I was not allowed to ask him how his day was. Couldn’t ask him what he ate for dinner. Basic conversation like that was not allowed. It never understood until now.
I like the fact you mentioned that the heart/emotions has a crucial function . and that besides intellect it is a big part of a full human experience .
I was laughing so hard😂 at the enumeration of narcissistic attributes. I was thinking about my whole family: mother, cousins, uncles, etc., whom fit the description. Thank you professor V.
“Narcissism is a disorder of absences”…THAT is profoundly correct and describes my whole experience growing up like that than marrying into the same dynamics. I left because everything was missing. He was never there. Like inaccessible emotionally. Instead it was a decade of total soul destruction. On himself, others around him by getting grander and meaner the more you showed him love. What a wicked experience.
I am so Scared . I know for sure I inflicted so many injuries to the Narcissist. Not intentionally , he provoked me . I didn’t understand the behavior . No wonder he hates me so much , it all makes sense now.
OMG, this is exactly how I feel too. The last 2 months of being discarded, the fights escalated to threatening each other to the point of restraining orders and calling the cops. I’m so glad this has happened though, after 15 years of being his “sex doll”, it was time.
My father is one and he is an evil evil man. I will never be fooled by that man again. I am not perfect but he tried to destroy me and take away my children, my will to live, made up versions of me that had me doubting myself. I will never have contact and sometimes that’s just how it has to be
I’m glad I took the time to watch this. Great + informative. 3.5 years in marriage counseling - bang head here! Don’t do it. He’d have an epiphany share it with me; I’m like to myself this is great. He gets it. Nope! one day he even said “I’m mostly the problem - it’s not you it’s me I’m closed, controlling and I need to be more open and vulnerable with you” When I asked him about next steps he said I got here today... I’m not quite sure. Then it disappeared into his inner garbage disposal days later. Relapse over relapse. Finally Called it quits. Best thing I ever did! Do it quit the narc. Good advice on friend zone too!
Thanks for sharing Denise! It’s really quite amazing how they are all the same. Textbook. This was one of my favorite, giggle inducing quotes of my recently (today lol) ended relationship: “I really do like hanging out with you y’know.... ...when you’re not being a lunatic”. 😂 My ultimate favorite was after I said “why are you still here?! What do you want from me??” The reply: “....OHHH I just want you to...be..NORMAL!!” “....{I actually guffawed. Like in cartoons. It’s a thing} .....Ohh honey, you and my former husband too. I am never going to be YOUR DEFINITION of normal. And I am so happy about that”. Now this was after waking up to what abuse and brainwashing I had been in. So I started calling him out on it (Sagittarius here) and the first 17 minutes of this video summed up just a small part of my role in our relationship. I never thought he needed fixing, and yet this video just showed me how I CoCreated all this. I always saw these relationships differently, (no victims) and yet this has expanded my open mindedness“ even greater. Bravo for making this available to us all.
I was in marriage counseling with my wife for a few months and it was pointless. She ranted about how awful the world is and we never really talked about our relationship. When the counselor suggested that she get an individual therapist, she refused. When I called my ex out about her inability to admit mistakes and apologize for them, she folded her arms in anger and refused to look at me. That was our last session. On one hand it is stunning that the woman that I divorced is the same woman that I married. I came to accept that the woman I married never existed and I had actually married a parasite. That’s really all that a narcissist is.
It's amazing how they do actually know they're bad people. My ex narc actually looked at me and said in his monotone voice "I will never change. I'm a bad person"
This was extremely powerful. I especially appreciated when you compared some aspect of the narcissist's inner world to a "howling wind in a hall of mirrors...". Very haunting and unforgettable image!
This was spot on! I dont know others' experiences but personally the compensatory grandiosity is very frustrating to witness and at times made me pity the narcissistic ex-friend. I found the "Teflon" nature of her brief moments of insight were the most disturbing and infuriating. She was aware she liked attention to an unhealthy degree, self confessed. Yet, would not or could not stop herself from manipulating others and disregarding others in an attempt to obtain it. The visible high she got from this was like watching a wildlife documentary in real time. She was aware she was creating "selves" and was proud of the charm she developed over the years. At the end, chronically not being seen and the lack of reciprocation in all realms of non-romantic relationship gets to you. Once I saw she was hopelessly incapable of genuine insight integration it was freeing and guilt-free to disengage and go no contact. This is their burden to deal with and we don't owe them help or special tolerance.
Discussions with my mother were dueling monologues. Each spoke his bit without building on what the other said. She would get furious if I asked a follow-up question and end the converstion with an exasperated - I don't know! Some years ago, I asked her - Why do you get angry when I ask a question? She does not hesitate - Because you don't believe me. I calmly stated - I ask questions to let the person I m talking to know I am interested in what they are saying. Response: Absolutely stunned silent.
He takes keen interest in the topics he discusses with passion and he clearly reflects the death of knowledge. It’s so beautiful to listen to him and every lecture teaches many points.
They have Low Self-Esteem, n Void of Emotional Understanding, they just can't Relate to Love, they have Emotional Dependency Problems. They are draining.... N don't Understand Words beyond a Primary School Level.. It's Frustrating... U have to Go No Contact to Save Yourself from them Stealing/Draining, Ur Emotional Energy, n discombobulating Ur Life. ❤️
Exactly how I see my covert narcissist husband. For a long time I internalized all his abuse, only a year ago god sent me the messenger with the knowledge of this sickness and THANK GOD for showing me the strengths that i needed to prepare and leave soon. I need prayer, husband comes from a heavy narcissistic cult like family the leader being his mother. I am afraid for my little child growing up part time with this very mentally ill family. Any suggestions? HELP!
My ex narc was left by his father who went and started a new family. He told me he wasn't born with an empathy gene. He just took and didn't give. Even looked uncomfortable giving me anything. I did everything and I had to put boundaries to not be used more. I caused a narc injury and he discarded me. I would not have left the man I loved for nothing so the discard was the only way for me to move on. Best day of my life. I thank him out loud when even the simplistic things happen to me that are positive. My life got better when he set me free to not be used anymore. I can not believe how much time I had been paying attention on him.
I was raised with the mantra, Don't compare yourself to others; Don't judge a person until you have walked mile in their shoes, etc, etc. When you are a lost child who raised herself in an emotional vacuum, then you are told comparisons are bad, you feel as marooned as a space-walker with a severed umbilical cord, doomed to float - inconsequential, weightless in the dark until drained.
Empathy is what we feel when someone else is going through something. Insight is in the head. Crying when someone else is hurting doesn't have insight. Insight is the cognitive understanding of why you criied.
I had a room mate in college that was an over the top, overt, grandiose narcissist. When I called him out on his narcissism and told him that he would have been nobody where I come from, he threatened violence against me.
This talk is Pure Gold!!! So applicable across a wide range of personality development! If there is any one that should be tagged for replay, this is the ONE!
This lecture very much explained the situation with my now ex. Particularly the part when at the face of his world crumbling, he acknowledges he needs help. And perhaps he may really want to change...but it is very short lived. I left the relationship and told him that if he was committed to becoming a better person (compassion, kindness, accountable) that he must take that journey on his own. And perhaps sometime down the road we could possibly meet again for a talk. He was heavy on the love bombing at this time. Emails and flowers, etc. I did not respond to the attempts. I only reiterated to him that this was his journey and to do it for himself. He went to one counseling session and walked out proclaiming to all at the office staff that he was cured and wouldn't be coming back. All hoovering attempts ceased. It's been over 2 months now. So that's that.
Your insights are very valuable...narcissists when you leave them..use absolutely anybody to get you back..anyone who will confirm of affirm their public persona..it totally lacks integrity.
Its hard not to hold some level of compassion for people with this disorder.. because they themselves were raped of their sense if self early on... not fault of their own... I understand its like a cute bear... you know its deadly if you get too close .... but they are also cute... I do hold some sadness for them even though they are inherently evil... because its a life long disorder that even once aware of is unpenetrable .... I can hold space for them with compassion
@@OliveWeitzel, I think it’s more like there is a little hope for US, in relating to them, if we keep our distance & maintain firm boundaries. They are doomed to a life full of these superficial relationships; a life without true intimacy.
If I wouldn’t be pregnant by this aggressive violent monster, I would be able to enjoy your videos so much more. You are exactly describing my ex husband, it’s spot on scary! From punishing, to lack of insight, to being paranoid over normal loving questions. It’s insane! Please anyone who is in the beginning of these kinds of relationships, leaveeee while u still can! I am happy that I see now what was going on, and that he is just a delusional empty person who comes from a different planet. Even though I am abt to have his child I don’t regret leaving this pathetic aggressive abuser for one second. I really wonder though if it’s very common with these narcissists that they become extremely violent like my ex did. Is that normal for them?
@Briana Binion My ex narc did the same thing. There were several words or phrases that just turnef him into a raging monster, one of those was def "Are you ok?" Why is that? Maybe bc I am inferior in his eyes and and he feels narc injury when I ask him that? I guess I don't understand all of this yet, but I am trying to learn.
Your videos hit me somewhere deep inside and they cause me to fall apart into fragments. And then the realisation/lesson needs to be incorporated before I can assemble all the fragments back together in a new way... Discombobulating and shattering experience... I start watching a video, pause, process (for hours/days), come back, resume, pause again, process again... Over and over again until I finally reach the end of the video and question my life choices (including watching the video)... Thank you. I guess... Seems to be necessary...
Based on this description, I don't feel I've ever known a narcissist, but I've definitely known dysfunctional/abusive people. I loved the part about empaths. People who actually have empathy don't need to say so. Right now in American culture there is an absolute surge in a certain ideology where it's over emphasized having empathy.
Thank you so much. This video with you was by far the most educational and insightful by you. I learned a lot for my situation healing from going no contact for a year now. I feel myself returning to being authentically at peace and joining the rest of the works again. It was agonizing to be isolated with my partner emotionally and mentally for 4 years.
OMG, that is so true! During the first meeting with my first narc, I had to cook him dinner. I must say I "passed the test" but I really hated this "job" for the next few years.... I was basically a cook and a cleaner in his house which he treated as a "hotel". With the second narc - I became his personal assistant - reviewing his texts all the time and archiving his stuff (until I literarily had no time at all for my own life). It's unbelievable how blind I was to all these obvious (to me now) red flags...
Same here! I helped him raise his 3 kids, became the cook, maid, errand runner, and dog trainer. I fit this in with a full time job by working nonstop. It hurts to look back and realize how I was used, and all the tile, I thought we were a team. I thought it made him feel loved. I thought it a lot of things that were untrue. After 20 years, he relocated without me, and took my dogs, leaving me with nothing. I feel bad for the new supply now.
So did mine. He would constantly call me "a manipulative game-player". I was always trying to be direct and articulate. One day I asked him how he could "tell" when I was playing a manipulative game. He said it was when I would say and do things that would get him choked up inside. In other words, when I was spilling my heart and he was feeling twinges of empathy, he would cut them off by deciding I was a manipulative game-player.
The Narcissistic Life Cycle: Moments of clarity in sobriety after a blow sends them into the vulnerable state (this is where they often pull their victims back in with acts of remorse etc) & then the work & insight on themselves required scares the fuck out of them & they go back into the shell of the illusion & back up towards grandiosity. And the abuse cycle starts all over again. Only to rinse & repeat for life. I’ve seen it in a few people I have finally gotten away from thankfully.
I had the same reaction to "empaths"! I have the biological trait that is HSP, as you mentioned, but I've told people over and over that being HSP doesn't mean that I'm empathic all of the time. It just means I feel others emotions with acuity, but the action based on a compassionate feeling is something that happens only sometimes, not all the time constantly with everyone's feelings. I will say, I believe as an HSP, I have had unfortunate run-ins with narcissistic people because I believe my negative/positive reactions can be BIGGER than other peoples. These interactions are more akin to bullying though and if I displayed empathy (thinking it might better the relationship), he did exactly as you said! He hated that! It was like he was insulted by it, I felt like I couldn't get anything right in managing him. Yes, I think I have been the target of narcissists, but not as an empath, rather as a emotionally sensitive person. I was the target of contempt, for the most part. Like I was weak or deserving of abuse, as you said. I know you highlighted the relationship between borderlines and narcissists, would you consider drawing a comparison for HSP and Narcissist? Not for empathy, but for supply, (reactions).
In devaluation phase, every time i tried to show him affection, that i really cared about our relationship, he just used to push me away and say “you’re fake, What do you want to get from me?” I tried everything to get him Back , nothing worked out, he just left, gone, dettached.
Found this today. Thank you for putting understanding of narcissistic behaviors out for us regular folks struggling for answers. I’ve been confused for weeks after what I thought was being empathetic was met with fury.
Explains why my ex would answer my "how are you" and "how was work" with an answer...then peer at me through narrowed eyes and say "why?" in a drawn out, puzzled, paranoid manner. When I replied, also confused, "just making converation" he would grunt and walk off.
Dr. Vaknin, it's very good to watch, listen, and learn from this video today. Just this Monday that we went to our weekly appointment with the sicology doctor, my husband was telling her how much bothers him what I say, what I do, why I ask questions about money, etc. Then she asked him what is the positive that he sees in me, and he responded: she keeps the house very clean, she cleans and organize the house. Omg! I couldn't understand why he sees me only like this, I felt like if he was describing a maid or treating me like his maid. With your video I understood that he sees me like someone he benefits from that service, that's it. I feel that he forgot about all my qualities or who really I am. For other side, it seems that our therapist is not really expert in this type of personalities, she looks like temerous to say more when in sessions. She knows and has talked about his anger issues and think they come from when he was growing up. My husband has anger issues, but I think is more than that, it is something with his personality. During this video, some moments seemed like you were talking about my husband. I wish I can find here in my city a professional like you, really knowledgeable and trained on these difficult personalities. I feel exhausted at this point, 6 years. Since 2017 I started to educate myself. I try not to be affected, but it's affecting me after these years. Since this year Im feeling a little of anxiety sometimes, I can't sleep well, my brain is always thinking about this situation I live. I do some things to keep my peace and some harmony, I try that my self steem doesn't get affected, and continue my life, but it's difficult. I wish our therapist can help.
Google the research in Neuroscience. Grey matter in narc's brain and Amygdala/Hippocampus in victim's brain. Fight or flight mode 24/7.... Melanie Tonya Evans' videos explain this very well. She helps people heal through Quantum Theory. Blessings
"nevah mine how many"😊 from the bottom of my heart...thank you Professor Sam for this lecture! watched it from beginning to end and even couple rewinds to listen to the very interesting aha parts! I'll remember your words from this day forward to help me heal, and understand that all the abuse & discard, my narcissistic filled traits behavior husband, did to me, was not my fault, but had all kinds of issues with his thinking.."it's like both his legs are gunn, no insight, no empathy, he can't learn" Love & Aloha🌺 all the way from Kona, Hawaii🌋
I only feel for the next victim/supply. Sam helped me understand and embrace my indifference to the narc that is no longer in my life. He needed me and now I don't need him. He helped me be and choose better. Now I don't need him. It feels good to discard him. My emotions and care will only be for those in my life that are human. My robot boyfriend is back out there teaching lessons on self value. I wish the next person see that they are of value, and discard him quickly once they take the lesson...finish the adventure and continue with life.
"Cancer of the soul" that really hit me hard, that is SO SAD, so so sad! Sam this literally brakes my heart... My father is experiencing his collapse now.. Makes me so sad. I am remembering my grandparents and I just don't understand how they did this to him. My two uncles are alright.
Thank you Sam great video !Wow wish I would have know all this sooner . Now I know why he never appreciated my advice , and would pick fights when I would ask about his day . The way you articulated what its like to be a narcissist, made me feel sad for them . What a horrible empty existence. Thanks again for the video ! happy new year 🎆
Hi, this is one of the most enlightening video so far. Can't stop taking notes, every sentence was so powerful, with 'insights' 🙂 loved it. Finally end of confusion around empathy and Narcs. Also last video, revelation about psychopath, the human simulator, was eye opening. All of sudden these 2 videos started making LOTS OF sense about some near and dear ones.
So so true, Ive seen the moments of clarity, the begging to be heard to show change, then seconds into allowing meeting or talking its gone, the blank dead stare, the ignoring of behaviour etc, he was always desperate to never talk and dismiss the behaviour that led to me leaving etc, he would manipulate contact and say ‘his’ behaviour and abuse was wrong, yet on meeting or talking he would change the words to ‘our behaviour’ ‘our abuse’. I found that so confusing. He would be inconsistent, arrogant, sometimes aggressive, yet while in the clarity phase he would seem apologetic, gentle, remorseful.
The cognitive dissonance associated with this pattern is brutal. I can completely relate to this cycle and wishful thinking, built around a false shared fantasy and lies.
It's so sad for someone to have Narcissism. I married one. Although I can't handle the relationship anymore it is awful how they suffer within themselves. Or do they suffer? I wish there was a way for narcissists to get help. Thank you for your incredible expertise Sam.
Exactly!! You say it so well!! Anything they did not experienced do not exist. Everything, every truth and possibilities emane from them! Yes yes yes! That's exactly how I felt and what I was trying to express. I only could say "everything you do not understand, you are not interesting in" but that's kind of what I meant.. your phrasing is spot on! So basically nothing that could out of my mouth, even my own emotions, were not true because he did't experience it.. therefor, touching my eyes when I was crying to see if éi was faking it, or not take my fear of him as serious was a normal conclusion to have............. Thanks I did a clip of that and will keep.
They hate you because they hate themselves. And when you love them they think there's something wrong with you because how could anyone love something as wretched as them.
Professor Vaknin, Your expertise is one to admire, and clearly opens avenues to many., you speak to the core of the matter. At times I feel that Narcissists deserve to be heard, although I know it's not recommended!, I can honestly feel within, when in my case that individual is having a breaking point, and it's quite intense., in the other hand I know he will come out of it, and still be a Narcissist. Thank you so much for making things clear.
I had a mother who was a narcissist. Oh my what your saying this was what it was like this.!! Hearing you speak about a narcissist. I had anwer the three s s s... I have noticed these in him when his mask fell off after 5 years. Yes I did try to help him..yes I was that person who helped ppl . Oh wow . I can tell you, I've had a life like this , even form my ex husband. While I'm listening to you speaking like he is speaking,and that's how he spoke to me. I even heard my mother in your voice.
Sometimes I think that I’m the narc in our relationship & his personality is the response to me, my behavior. I feel crazy. Then I come back to reality & remember not many people like him & he’s abusing ME. His kids don’t like him. I’m losing it.
I completely agree with the empaths assessment. I've experienced this first hand and was shocked to realize that there are people pretending to be empathic super humans and show their simply people who allow their emotions to rule them and have immensely over the top emotional reactions to events or situations.
So sad. And does explain a friend of mine-whoops non-friend- he rejected me as a friend but wanted to feel the lust. Was confusing, now it's sad; pitiful
I figured this out about my mother while my younger sister was on her deathbed in hospice. My mother did not come to support either of us and told me she doesn’t need my love, told me to give it to my sister 😢
@neeirv3761 That's absolutely heartbreaking, not to mention cruel, especially for your sister at such a traumatic time! I'm glad you were able to support your precious sister though and wouldn't be surprised if you've stopped contact with your mother. ❤
Listen to dr Sam lecture has help me to understand so much about my ex. I didn’t know where his tantrums came from now I understand. And I want him as far away from me as I can. Thank you so much for open my mind to how this man brain works. And wow. How accurate
I‘m histrionic and consider myself as a victim of a narcississt. I believe he was also a victim of mine. We were poison for each other because I constantly injured him. I‘m not an empath but do have empathy though also some narcissistic traits. He refused staying friends After he discarded me because of the sexual tension between us.
I love how you explain three S! Secondary: which means they always have a second source lying around just in case things go bad wirh their primary. Sex: Their very impulsive and can not control their behavior or urges. Their sex drive controls them and they dont control it. Which why most do best with one night stands, hookups, and fwb. Being tied down to a long term relationship is boring to them cause their is no excitement or thrill of the chase in long term relationship. Supply: They're primary focus of everything they do is to get a supply. No matter what that supply is or how they need to go about getting it, they will get it by any means.
Fascinating . During the pandemic I walk and learn from your talks . Interesting point about empaths I watched the Axios interview with trump. Everything you have discussed I observed
Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for these insights into the human unhuman nature. I didnt believe in hell, then i realised im living it..i didnt believe in god, then..i asked youtube "am I a narcissist?" And your channel came up! I hope to..learn something before the dark one grasps again..
Yea learning to feel no empathy has been hard. They were a huge presence in my life. And i have never loved myself more as of late. I feel bad that, they aren't a part of it at times because we laughed at so many things. It wasn't real at all though. And when I remind myself that it wasn't real it makes me feel no empathy whatsoever. If I hear of any miserable thing happening to them i just laugh and feel bad for laughing at them suffering. I know they wish they could call me and abuse me or have me coddle them. But they can't 🤣🤣🤣 I'll call the cops immediately so they can keep following their horrible accusations about me so they actually start believing them. Being this free is so confidence inducing
The narcissist I was with never asked me any questions about myself or my life. He would always say that he doesn't need to do that and that he finds out what he needs by just observing me. Huge imbalance and lack of true interest and intimacy....meanwhile, me being interested in him was definitely supply for him.
I experienced this too. They're only interested in getting to know you in order to work out how best to manipulate and exploit you for supply.
....or crossing boundaries for him -- intimacy is death for them!
Same..I hope you are doing good afterwards
Exactly the same - no questions asked
Ditto
“Narcissism is a hopeless condition. It’s terminal. Terminal cancer of the soul.”
Agree once you know what your dealing with you know your efforts are nothing but futile and a complete waste of time
I have to agree with that, I now know who my mother is and why there is no point bothering anymore.
Best wishes to you barbara
@@jamesnock5572 thanks James, I wish it wasn't that way though, but I don't have any choice anyway.
Empaths thinks that they can change the Narcissist with love and the Narcissist will change but the Narcissist hates love love so they hate you.
“The lessons can be discovered and then lost” in a continuous cycle. They can briefly cognitively contemplate the meaning of the lesson, but like he said, it disintegrates because it never attaches to any long lasting deep emotions or feelings. Within days, weeks, or mere moments it’s forgotten and the impulse to seek pleasure and supply is all that matters.
No insight is the problem samvak.tripod.com/2.html
Awesome!!!!!
Just walked out of my marriage after 7 years. Could not take the emotional abuse anymore. Gave him 3 chances. 4 weeks no contact. I am his 5th wife. He claimed that we made the mistakes and he did nothing wrong. He is 60y old. Good luck for him. Not taking him back. I deserve better. He will come begging again. Oh boy do I have news for him. I filled fot a divorce. He was always so proud to tell everyone that he divorced the other 4...what now, no 5 are divorcing you. He was served with the divorce papers infront of his co-workers. Even if he beggs I finished with him. Blocked him, no contact will remain. Im proud of myself for not running after him again. Im free!!!!!
Good for him if he has a new supply. The he wont irritate me anymore
Be careful, You truly humiliated him. He will want revenge and will hover you to get back at you somehow. Avoid him at all cost and stay no contact.
jwcobar. I dont know. Maybe because is was alone for many years,struggelg with finances. I ask myself that question every day
@jwcobarthis passed few months I stood up to him and told him that I will not take his grap anymore....he left. Why do they always accuse you of having an affair. By the way Im from South Africa
@jwcobarI did not do it for the money. Paid my own bills but it helped that he contributed towards food, electr ex. He said if he had not met me at that specific time he would have brought Helena (Russian girl) in to SA. He broke of with Helena after promising her a live in SA. I saw the plane ticket with my own eyes
After the love-bombing ended, when I was still very much interested in him, I would ask those questions about his day, his family, etc. And the reaction was vastly different then when he was love bombing. It was as Vaknin said. He acted a bit offended that I remembered the things he freely told me during love bombing. I was confused but now I understand. Intimacy means we are equals. That can never be.
Very important to remember what they said in the beginning.
Very interesting indeed
I can totally relate to the change in narrative later on after the love bombing stage.. he absolutely played the victim with people who clearly walked away from him.. narcs because they are not wise are often too honest and will slip and call themselves out...
Yup I get it Now . Wtf. Love bomb . Fakeness. I thought he was just insecure. Oh was I wrong
Hope you’re doing well !!!
My alcoholic narcissist husband shot me in the head on his way out the door. The children and I survived but he drank himself to death. If you are with a narcissist believe me they are dangerous
😱😱😱 Thank God you made it out alive!
Deep's Voice could he be both???
Deep's Voice Well, I guess it really doesn’t matter. He’s dead now.
All psychopaths are narcissists, but not every narcissist is a psychopath.
@@deepsmoviereviews3212 it's true that they have a different mindset. However, they operate from the same internal rule book as. narcissists in grooming and entangling their supply. The monster referenced in this comment feed was clearly a psychopath. Narcissism is a part of their craft. That's why she's here watching this. It fits the bill.
" Incapable of intimacy". That's the most important thing I wished I had known. A normal person would never know that all the vacations, love making, and time spent together did not mean he experienced intimacy. I did notice that every time things were going really well, he would find a way to destroy everything good. Then, he'd create stories in which he could blame me.
Mirror image of my situation. They always cause the trouble then blame us for our reaction
My wife does this. I seek intimacy, and it is rejected. Videos like this help me understand that the rejection is because she is incapable of intimacy outside of manipulation. When I became resistant to manipulation, intimacy stopped. Even my kids tell me mommy doesn’t play with them. She says she does though, “when I’m not home”, and I never see it when I am home. Hard to believe her over the kids. 💔
Dr. Sam, listening to your talk has helped me to safe myself from ultimate disaster. I have a peaceful life today as I have discarded all narcissist people from it. World is a better place now. Thanks so much.
Imagine how beautiful a society would be without narcissists or psychopaths or pedophiles or thieves or violent criminals or rapists or any of the like. Just people who want everyone to do well, a level playing field were people rejoice in other people’s success.
@@timmothyburke that sounds like a dream world
@timmothyburke that would be an unbalanced world
Tipping too Heavily to one side, it's what you see right now in the world it's extremely unbalanced tipped more to the dark side, so we see expierience more darkness than light
My ex would say about empathy “It’s childish and immature to not look out for yourself. If someone can’t do those things for themselves then you are only insulting them with your help.” He felt insulted by most people and sometimes animals... if the animals were enjoying people’s attention.
Rachel Harville ❤️ So sorry about your dog. Wouldn’t be surprising. I found out about my ex killing his own pets because he wanted to move and the place he liked was “no pets”. He had three large snakes he put in his freezer. Once they froze to death... he threw them away. When I asked him why he didn’t give them to a pet store instead of killing them, he laughed and said, “They were mine to do with what I wanted.”
Rachel Harville so sorry for the loss of your fury friend. Mine hated my dog from all his heart, never allowed me to take him with us when we went walking. Had to go a second time with my dog. 20 years later i‘d tell him, i prefer my dog of your companionship.
He most likely did that to the dog indeed… so sad, I’m sorry:-(
@@jenniehettrick4204 Wow. That's cold, in every sense. Terrible person.
Would never stay with anyone who shows cruelty to animals. Period. Over
The worst part of these videos (for me personally) is that you only get to fully understand and appreciate the absolutely striking accuracy of the content, only AFTER you have "experienced" a narcissist. I keep listening to you and absolutely everything makes so much sense now, about my exes. I wish I've learned about narcissism earlier, but then I realize that even if I've had a chance to listen to you 20 years ago, all of this probably wouldn't make any sense to me and I wouldn't understand anything.
SO very true...😐
It wouldn't matter how many universities you attended...unless you've lived it, you have little understanding. 🙃
💯That’s why I don’t believe those field-experts, who have gained their knowledge and expertise by “only” studying the concepts and textbook material, would most likely not able to fully grasp the concept even with highest GPA’s and most honorable phd/doctorate degrees.
@@nikoushayan9960❤
You know how you notice something is bothering someone and you ask, “Are you Okay?”. He would get instantly Into a rage Yelling, “Stop asking me am I ok, let me be Me. “
He would also hate if I have empathy for anyone. I can’t believe what I have been through.
I asked my groom once if he was okay and after a blast of sh*t coming out of his mouth about me, I never asked him again.
In my heart, I always had hope for the narcissist, that if I love him enough and show enough empathy, he would get it and change. But you are right: Empathy is wasted on the narcissist. So very sad, that we have to let these people go because there is no hope..
I reconected with my great love after 4 years. I waited for one meaningful hug. One word that would create a bond. Connection. Heart to heart.
Unless I gave a hug there was none for me.
So I could not make love to him. Based on what ? No meaningful talk. Just a need for sex.
I saw it that he suffered. Felt rejected. Went at night to a beach for a stroll due to heartache.
But instead of a talk there was just one fight after another or withraw.
My heart just broke. Again. But now I just accepted him and the way he is and slowly understand that this is how he is and vulnerability is not what I will ever experience with him.
Love him to pieces but I just run on empty
@@orianam9835so now can u stop being desperate...because it shows desperation and im not coming out of cruelty or anything I do understand and probably way worse...it's not just empathy but desperation from somewhere he is NOT the only man that exists 🤗
In other words, if you insist on interacting with a narcissist you have to behave exactly like him/her: no questions, no empathy, no advice, no love or attention... nothing at all. That is sick! That's why I walked away from my relationship with my narcissist.
Yes
If u want fight "monsters" u MUST become "One of them" - if u want survive
or simplify Nietzsche
"When u look at darkness , darkness look on you"
Straight up business transactions!
you have to because if you disagree or have your own opinion on things they will think you are being malicious towards them. my ex was extremely competitive to the point i couldnt tell him when great things happened for me. you know its pathetic when you cant even share positive things with your partner.
Oh no… that doesn’t work either. You’ll end up being accused of emotional neglect and label YOU of being a narcissist.
Thank you ! This answers a question that has baffled me re: why they seem to be repulsed by “agape” love . Where unconditional love is what 99% of all human beings respond to and search for - the narcissist seems to react paradoxically to it! Now I know why . Very enlightening video. Finally a real “expert” rather than the self proclaimed TH-cam so called “experts” ! 👍
@MariaMurphy Great point! I totally get what ur saying as I too have been there done that ! I apologize if I triggered you - I’m obviously still co-dependent & I appreciate your honest feedback! 🙏
they r repulsed by love because it suggests that they need u and u got something they dont
@@evka24, yet my ex narc actually said to me, “I need you.” This was during the lovebombing phase. It has taken on a whole new meaning now that I know what he is! But I still wonder if he was actually aware of its double meaning at the time he said it. Moot point now. I’m free!
Great point
He resents my empathy and looks down on me for having it but has no problem taking note of my empathetic responses and mimics them, even using my exact same words to other people. It's a nightmare trying to understand this for those of us who don't speak narc. I will say though my narc loves small talk incessant mindless small talk he uses it to either avoid intimacy or get people who don't know him to spill their guts to him.
I went through the same with my ex narc friend. She is such a devil to show the ugly to me and angel face to everyone else..I didn’t know why she was behaving like that back then...I was wondering that I am not smart enough to have friends
YESSSS THIS IS EXACTLY HOW THE ONE I KNOW IS
@@NoNakersAllowed trust your instincts.
Oh my gosh. This is spot on & explains a lot. My narc gave me the silent treatment for a week on our one year anniversary because I made the comment “wow, it’s look how much better both of our lives have become in this year together.” And the information sharing, I was not allowed to ask him how his day was. Couldn’t ask him what he ate for dinner. Basic conversation like that was not allowed. It never understood until now.
god this is so relatable. things like this made no sense!!
I like the fact you mentioned that the heart/emotions has a crucial function . and that besides intellect it is a big part of a full human experience .
I was laughing so hard😂 at the enumeration of narcissistic attributes. I was thinking about my whole family: mother, cousins, uncles, etc., whom fit the description. Thank you professor V.
“Narcissism is a disorder of absences”…THAT is profoundly correct and describes my whole experience growing up like that than marrying into the same dynamics. I left because everything was missing. He was never there. Like inaccessible emotionally. Instead it was a decade of total soul destruction. On himself, others around him by getting grander and meaner the more you showed him love. What a wicked experience.
I am so Scared . I know for sure I inflicted so many injuries to the Narcissist. Not intentionally , he provoked me . I didn’t understand the behavior . No wonder he hates me so much , it all makes sense now.
OMG, this is exactly how I feel too. The last 2 months of being discarded, the fights escalated to threatening each other to the point of restraining orders and calling the cops. I’m so glad this has happened though, after 15 years of being his “sex doll”, it was time.
My father is one and he is an evil evil man. I will never be fooled by that man again. I am not perfect but he tried to destroy me and take away my children, my will to live, made up versions of me that had me doubting myself. I will never have contact and sometimes that’s just how it has to be
The lights are on but no one is home
I’m glad I took the time to watch this. Great + informative. 3.5 years in marriage counseling - bang head here! Don’t do it. He’d have an epiphany share it with me; I’m like to myself this is great. He gets it. Nope! one day he even said “I’m mostly the problem - it’s not you it’s me I’m closed, controlling and I need to be more open and vulnerable with you” When I asked him about next steps he said I got here today... I’m not quite sure. Then it disappeared into his inner garbage disposal days later. Relapse over relapse. Finally Called it quits. Best thing I ever did! Do it quit the narc. Good advice on friend zone too!
Thanks for sharing Denise! It’s really quite amazing how they are all the same. Textbook.
This was one of my favorite, giggle inducing quotes of my recently (today lol) ended relationship:
“I really do like hanging out with you y’know....
...when you’re not being a lunatic”. 😂
My ultimate favorite was after I said “why are you still here?! What do you want from me??”
The reply: “....OHHH I just want you to...be..NORMAL!!”
“....{I actually guffawed. Like in cartoons. It’s a thing} .....Ohh honey, you and my former husband too. I am never going to be YOUR DEFINITION of normal. And I am so happy about that”.
Now this was after waking up to what abuse and brainwashing I had been in. So I started calling him out on it (Sagittarius here) and the first 17 minutes of this video summed up just a small part of my role in our relationship. I never thought he needed fixing, and yet this video just showed me how I CoCreated all this. I always saw these relationships differently, (no victims) and yet this has expanded my open mindedness“ even greater. Bravo for making this available to us all.
I was in marriage counseling with my wife for a few months and it was pointless. She ranted about how awful the world is and we never really talked about our relationship. When the counselor suggested that she get an individual therapist, she refused. When I called my ex out about her inability to admit mistakes and apologize for them, she folded her arms in anger and refused to look at me. That was our last session.
On one hand it is stunning that the woman that I divorced is the same woman that I married. I came to accept that the woman I married never existed and I had actually married a parasite. That’s really all that a narcissist is.
It's amazing how they do actually know they're bad people. My ex narc actually looked at me and said in his monotone voice "I will never change. I'm a bad person"
This was extremely powerful. I especially appreciated when you compared some aspect of the narcissist's inner world to a "howling wind in a hall of mirrors...". Very haunting and unforgettable image!
This was spot on! I dont know others' experiences but personally the compensatory grandiosity is very frustrating to witness and at times made me pity the narcissistic ex-friend. I found the "Teflon" nature of her brief moments of insight were the most disturbing and infuriating. She was aware she liked attention to an unhealthy degree, self confessed. Yet, would not or could not stop herself from manipulating others and disregarding others in an attempt to obtain it. The visible high she got from this was like watching a wildlife documentary in real time. She was aware she was creating "selves" and was proud of the charm she developed over the years. At the end, chronically not being seen and the lack of reciprocation in all realms of non-romantic relationship gets to you. Once I saw she was hopelessly incapable of genuine insight integration it was freeing and guilt-free to disengage and go no contact. This is their burden to deal with and we don't owe them help or special tolerance.
Inside the narcissist...?
"Narcoplasm." Sam Vaknin, you are killing me.
Me too 😅. I was laughing when he enumerated the narc qualities. I was thinking about family and friends 😅
@a.garcia7127 I feel you. It's not exactly a mirthful laugh, but one of recognition, and satisfying.
that empath part was amazing and someting i suspected! omg i love this channel i loved that part. Youre absolutely brilliant!
Sam 🤭😳😳😳 such a shock to hear this it’s painful to know that a narcissist does not want empathy even when they realise their lonely life 😢😢😢
Yes
It’s so sad
Discussions with my mother were dueling monologues. Each spoke his bit without building on what the other said. She would get furious if I asked a follow-up question and end the converstion with an exasperated - I don't know! Some years ago, I asked her - Why do you get angry when I ask a question? She does not hesitate - Because you don't believe me. I calmly stated - I ask questions to let the person I m talking to know I am interested in what they are saying. Response: Absolutely stunned silent.
You have helped millions, including me. Thank you, Sam.
He takes keen interest in the topics he discusses with passion and he clearly reflects the death of knowledge. It’s so beautiful to listen to him and every lecture teaches many points.
"I have seen the unholy maggot which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul."
Their at camp lol I love that movie
But until today ... I have never seen you!! 😁
@@ayshamorris7652
Funny 🤣
They have Low Self-Esteem, n Void of Emotional Understanding, they just can't Relate to Love, they have Emotional Dependency Problems. They are draining.... N don't Understand Words beyond a Primary School Level.. It's Frustrating... U have to Go No Contact to Save Yourself from them Stealing/Draining, Ur Emotional Energy, n discombobulating Ur Life. ❤️
Exactly how I see my covert narcissist husband. For a long time I internalized all his abuse, only a year ago god sent me the messenger with the knowledge of this sickness and THANK GOD for showing me the strengths that i needed to prepare and leave soon. I need prayer, husband comes from a heavy narcissistic cult like family the leader being his mother. I am afraid for my little child growing up part time with this very mentally ill family. Any suggestions? HELP!
My ex narc was left by his father who went and started a new family. He told me he wasn't born with an empathy gene. He just took and didn't give. Even looked uncomfortable giving me anything. I did everything and I had to put boundaries to not be used more. I caused a narc injury and he discarded me. I would not have left the man I loved for nothing so the discard was the only way for me to move on. Best day of my life. I thank him out loud when even the simplistic things happen to me that are positive. My life got better when he set me free to not be used anymore. I can not believe how much time I had been paying attention on him.
It’s like a dark cloud has left my life
I was raised with the mantra, Don't compare yourself to others; Don't judge a person until you have walked mile in their shoes, etc, etc. When you are a lost child who raised herself in an emotional vacuum, then you are told comparisons are bad, you feel as marooned as a space-walker with a severed umbilical cord, doomed to float - inconsequential, weightless in the dark until drained.
your last comment about Nars being self aware of himself healed me
Empathy is what we feel when someone else is going through something. Insight is in the head. Crying when someone else is hurting doesn't have insight. Insight is the cognitive understanding of why you criied.
Tremendous! You're a colossus of psychology !
I've learned a lot about myself and other people
I never looked at it from this perspective.... It makes perfect sense now!🤗
I had a room mate in college that was an over the top, overt, grandiose narcissist. When I called him out on his narcissism and told him that he would have been nobody where I come from, he threatened violence against me.
This talk is Pure Gold!!! So applicable across a wide range of personality development! If there is any one that should be tagged for replay, this is the ONE!
I have to give some heartfelt gratitude here - what a great channel and what wonderful content. Thank you so much. Learning a lot!
I understand this. My parents hated interrogations. Anytime I asked they went into high levels of anger. I was like," Whoa!"
21:10, 26:31 Purpose behind social interaction - reality testing, calibrating yourself, becoming you, understanding the world
This lecture very much explained the situation with my now ex. Particularly the part when at the face of his world crumbling, he acknowledges he needs help. And perhaps he may really want to change...but it is very short lived. I left the relationship and told him that if he was committed to becoming a better person (compassion, kindness, accountable) that he must take that journey on his own. And perhaps sometime down the road we could possibly meet again for a talk. He was heavy on the love bombing at this time. Emails and flowers, etc. I did not respond to the attempts. I only reiterated to him that this was his journey and to do it for himself. He went to one counseling session and walked out proclaiming to all at the office staff that he was cured and wouldn't be coming back. All hoovering attempts ceased. It's been over 2 months now. So that's that.
I'm really glad you mentioned that psychology can never be a science.
Your insights are very valuable...narcissists when you leave them..use absolutely anybody to get you back..anyone who will confirm of affirm their public persona..it totally lacks integrity.
Absolutely right! They never learn
So frustrating,
Totally blown away by these talks. Answers, answers, answers.
You are so right on. It's kind of mind blowing to hear these things articulated.
Your my favorite expert on this ! Not only you make me laugh but very straight forward with it
Its hard not to hold some level of compassion for people with this disorder.. because they themselves were raped of their sense if self early on... not fault of their own... I understand its like a cute bear... you know its deadly if you get too close .... but they are also cute... I do hold some sadness for them even though they are inherently evil... because its a life long disorder that even once aware of is unpenetrable .... I can hold space for them with compassion
@@OliveWeitzel, I think it’s more like there is a little hope for US, in relating to them, if we keep our distance & maintain firm boundaries. They are doomed to a life full of these superficial relationships; a life without true intimacy.
I can from afar or no contact.
You just explained my father's two marriages, my upbringing, and two of my exes. I wish there was a cure. And i appreciate you sharing your insights.
Thank you for the knowledge I never received in any psychology class or book. This video has been impactful.
If I wouldn’t be pregnant by this aggressive violent monster, I would be able to enjoy your videos so much more. You are exactly describing my ex husband, it’s spot on scary! From punishing, to lack of insight, to being paranoid over normal loving questions. It’s insane!
Please anyone who is in the beginning of these kinds of relationships, leaveeee while u still can! I am happy that I see now what was going on, and that he is just a delusional empty person who comes from a different planet.
Even though I am abt to have his child I don’t regret leaving this pathetic aggressive abuser for one second. I really wonder though if it’s very common with these narcissists that they become extremely violent like my ex did. Is that normal for them?
Whenever I would ask him “Are you okay?” ,when I noticed he was upset or annoyed. …. He would go into instant rage.
@Briana Binion My ex narc did the same thing. There were several words or phrases that just turnef him into a raging monster, one of those was def "Are you ok?" Why is that? Maybe bc I am inferior in his eyes and and he feels narc injury when I ask him that? I guess I don't understand all of this yet, but I am trying to learn.
Your videos hit me somewhere deep inside and they cause me to fall apart into fragments. And then the realisation/lesson needs to be incorporated before I can assemble all the fragments back together in a new way... Discombobulating and shattering experience... I start watching a video, pause, process (for hours/days), come back, resume, pause again, process again... Over and over again until I finally reach the end of the video and question my life choices (including watching the video)...
Thank you. I guess... Seems to be necessary...
Sam is growing on me...love his voice and zany humour...Oh yes...and his brilliant insights too. X
Based on this description, I don't feel I've ever known a narcissist, but I've definitely known dysfunctional/abusive people. I loved the part about empaths. People who actually have empathy don't need to say so. Right now in American culture there is an absolute surge in a certain ideology where it's over emphasized having empathy.
Thank you so much. This video with you was by far the most educational and insightful by you. I learned a lot for my situation healing from going no contact for a year now. I feel myself returning to being authentically at peace and joining the rest of the works again. It was agonizing to be isolated with my partner emotionally and mentally for 4 years.
Happy for you dori
OMG, that is so true! During the first meeting with my first narc, I had to cook him dinner. I must say I "passed the test" but I really hated this "job" for the next few years.... I was basically a cook and a cleaner in his house which he treated as a "hotel". With the second narc - I became his personal assistant - reviewing his texts all the time and archiving his stuff (until I literarily had no time at all for my own life). It's unbelievable how blind I was to all these obvious (to me now) red flags...
Same here! I helped him raise his 3 kids, became the cook, maid, errand runner, and dog trainer. I fit this in with a full time job by working nonstop. It hurts to look back and realize how I was used, and all the tile, I thought we were a team. I thought it made him feel loved. I thought it a lot of things that were untrue. After 20 years, he relocated without me, and took my dogs, leaving me with nothing. I feel bad for the new supply now.
Crazy because my ex would always say I was so stupid and also always believed I was just manipulating him when I was crying
So did mine. He would constantly call me "a manipulative game-player". I was always trying to be direct and articulate. One day I asked him how he could "tell" when I was playing a manipulative game. He said it was when I would say and do things that would get him choked up inside. In other words, when I was spilling my heart and he was feeling twinges of empathy, he would cut them off by deciding I was a manipulative game-player.
The Narcissistic Life Cycle:
Moments of clarity in sobriety after a blow sends them into the vulnerable state (this is where they often pull their victims back in with acts of remorse etc) & then the work & insight on themselves required scares the fuck out of them & they go back into the shell of the illusion & back up towards grandiosity. And the abuse cycle starts all over again.
Only to rinse & repeat for life.
I’ve seen it in a few people I have finally gotten away from thankfully.
I had the same reaction to "empaths"! I have the biological trait that is HSP, as you mentioned, but I've told people over and over that being HSP doesn't mean that I'm empathic all of the time. It just means I feel others emotions with acuity, but the action based on a compassionate feeling is something that happens only sometimes, not all the time constantly with everyone's feelings. I will say, I believe as an HSP, I have had unfortunate run-ins with narcissistic people because I believe my negative/positive reactions can be BIGGER than other peoples. These interactions are more akin to bullying though and if I displayed empathy (thinking it might better the relationship), he did exactly as you said! He hated that! It was like he was insulted by it, I felt like I couldn't get anything right in managing him. Yes, I think I have been the target of narcissists, but not as an empath, rather as a emotionally sensitive person. I was the target of contempt, for the most part. Like I was weak or deserving of abuse, as you said. I know you highlighted the relationship between borderlines and narcissists, would you consider drawing a comparison for HSP and Narcissist? Not for empathy, but for supply, (reactions).
In devaluation phase, every time i tried to show him affection, that i really cared about our relationship, he just used to push me away and say “you’re fake, What do you want to get from me?”
I tried everything to get him Back
, nothing worked out, he just left, gone, dettached.
What on earth kind of childhood does one have to become a narcissist, has to be pretty bad. And there are so many.
@@meatrealwishes The ones I know are not well off but had parents that pampered them and the kid could do no wrong.
@@paulclinton6414 very right, they MADE THE DECISIONS TO BE EVILS
@@paulclinton6414 being an asshole and having a behavioural pathology are different
U can become a narc by being VERY spoiled or put on a pedestal or u can become a narc by being completely abused
Heartwalker
Sexual Abuse , Abandonment
They use this behavior to disconnect from pain it’s like their soul fractures... Really Sad ...
Found this today. Thank you for putting understanding of narcissistic behaviors out for us regular folks struggling for answers. I’ve been confused for weeks after what I thought was being empathetic was met with fury.
Explains why my ex would answer my "how are you" and "how was work" with an answer...then peer at me through narrowed eyes and say "why?" in a drawn out, puzzled, paranoid manner.
When I replied, also confused, "just making converation" he would grunt and walk off.
Oh my goodness.. that rings true. You end up thinking there is something wrong with me! Been there. No more!
Labeling oneself an “empath” will only create more victimizations.
True
Dr. Vaknin, it's very good to watch, listen, and learn from this video today. Just this Monday that we went to our weekly appointment with the sicology doctor, my husband was telling her how much bothers him what I say, what I do, why I ask questions about money, etc. Then she asked him what is the positive that he sees in me, and he responded: she keeps the house very clean, she cleans and organize the house. Omg! I couldn't understand why he sees me only like this, I felt like if he was describing a maid or treating me like his maid. With your video I understood that he sees me like someone he benefits from that service, that's it. I feel that he forgot about all my qualities or who really I am. For other side, it seems that our therapist is not really expert in this type of personalities, she looks like temerous to say more when in sessions. She knows and has talked about his anger issues and think they come from when he was growing up. My husband has anger issues, but I think is more than that, it is something with his personality. During this video, some moments seemed like you were talking about my husband. I wish I can find here in my city a professional like you, really knowledgeable and trained on these difficult personalities. I feel exhausted at this point, 6 years. Since 2017 I started to educate myself. I try not to be affected, but it's affecting me after these years. Since this year Im feeling a little of anxiety sometimes, I can't sleep well, my brain is always thinking about this situation I live. I do some things to keep my peace and some harmony, I try that my self steem doesn't get affected, and continue my life, but it's difficult. I wish our therapist can help.
if he does not try to improve no one can help
Google the research in Neuroscience. Grey matter in narc's brain and Amygdala/Hippocampus in victim's brain. Fight or flight mode 24/7.... Melanie Tonya Evans' videos explain this very well. She helps people heal through Quantum Theory. Blessings
He has no legs, they are gone. Thank you for the laugh. This is some seriously frightening stuff.
"nevah mine how many"😊 from the bottom of my heart...thank you Professor Sam for this lecture! watched it from beginning to end and even couple rewinds to listen to the very interesting aha parts! I'll remember your words from this day forward to help me heal, and understand that all the abuse & discard, my narcissistic filled traits behavior husband, did to me, was not my fault, but had all kinds of issues with his thinking.."it's like both his legs are gunn, no insight, no empathy, he can't learn" Love & Aloha🌺 all the way from Kona, Hawaii🌋
I only feel for the next victim/supply. Sam helped me understand and embrace my indifference to the narc that is no longer in my life. He needed me and now I don't need him. He helped me be and choose better. Now I don't need him. It feels good to discard him. My emotions and care will only be for those in my life that are human. My robot boyfriend is back out there teaching lessons on self value. I wish the next person see that they are of value, and discard him quickly once they take the lesson...finish the adventure and continue with life.
"Cancer of the soul" that really hit me hard, that is SO SAD, so so sad! Sam this literally brakes my heart... My father is experiencing his collapse now.. Makes me so sad. I am remembering my grandparents and I just don't understand how they did this to him. My two uncles are alright.
Thank you Sam great video !Wow wish I would have know all this sooner . Now I know why he never appreciated my advice , and would pick fights when I would ask about his day . The way you articulated what its like to be a narcissist, made me feel sad for them . What a horrible empty existence. Thanks again for the video ! happy new year 🎆
This was SO illuminating. I consider it your best work. It’s almost as if you were channeling all of your knowledge. Thank you.
Hi, this is one of the most enlightening video so far. Can't stop taking notes, every sentence was so powerful, with 'insights' 🙂 loved it. Finally end of confusion around empathy and Narcs. Also last video, revelation about psychopath, the human simulator, was eye opening. All of sudden these 2 videos started making LOTS OF sense about some near and dear ones.
So so true, Ive seen the moments of clarity, the begging to be heard to show change, then seconds into allowing meeting or talking its gone, the blank dead stare, the ignoring of behaviour etc, he was always desperate to never talk and dismiss the behaviour that led to me leaving etc, he would manipulate contact and say ‘his’ behaviour and abuse was wrong, yet on meeting or talking he would change the words to ‘our behaviour’ ‘our abuse’. I found that so confusing. He would be inconsistent, arrogant, sometimes aggressive, yet while in the clarity phase he would seem apologetic, gentle, remorseful.
The cognitive dissonance associated with this pattern is brutal. I can completely relate to this cycle and wishful thinking, built around a false shared fantasy and lies.
I have been there too. That blank stare. And nothing ever changes. Love you and hope you’re doing well
At the end of the day they don’t man up and take responsibility
It's so sad for someone to have Narcissism. I married one. Although I can't handle the relationship anymore it is awful how they suffer within themselves. Or do they suffer? I wish there was a way for narcissists to get help. Thank you for your incredible expertise Sam.
Sadly they won't go get help because as Sam says that is a narcissistic injury
Exactly!! You say it so well!! Anything they did not experienced do not exist. Everything, every truth and possibilities emane from them! Yes yes yes! That's exactly how I felt and what I was trying to express. I only could say "everything you do not understand, you are not interesting in" but that's kind of what I meant.. your phrasing is spot on! So basically nothing that could out of my mouth, even my own emotions, were not true because he did't experience it.. therefor, touching my eyes when I was crying to see if éi was faking it, or not take my fear of him as serious was a normal conclusion to have............. Thanks I did a clip of that and will keep.
OMG ! It's eye opening! So true!
I think narcs hate you, because you love them, they see your love as weakness.
They hate you because they hate themselves. And when you love them they think there's something wrong with you because how could anyone love something as wretched as them.
Professor Vaknin, Your expertise is one to admire, and clearly opens avenues to many., you speak to the core of the matter.
At times I feel that Narcissists deserve to be heard, although I know it's not recommended!, I can honestly feel within, when in my
case that individual is having a
breaking point, and it's quite intense.,
in the other hand I know he will come out of it, and still be a Narcissist. Thank you so much
for making things clear.
Extremely interesting. This is the best definition of secondary supply. Thank you!
I had a mother who was a narcissist.
Oh my what your saying this was what it was like this.!! Hearing you speak about a narcissist. I had anwer the three s s s... I have noticed these in him when his mask fell off after 5 years.
Yes I did try to help him..yes I was that person who helped ppl .
Oh wow . I can tell you, I've had a life like this , even form my ex husband.
While I'm listening to you speaking like he is speaking,and that's how he spoke to me. I even heard my mother in your voice.
This ,is the best analysis of narcissistic behavior and understanding of it for me to grasp 👊 ,thank you Sam, brilliant 👏.
Sometimes I think that I’m the narc in our relationship & his personality is the response to me, my behavior. I feel crazy. Then I come back to reality & remember not many people like him & he’s abusing ME. His kids don’t like him. I’m losing it.
Perhaps why they do the opposite of any suggestions, advice, or anything that would be perceived as more logical...
I completely agree with the empaths assessment. I've experienced this first hand and was shocked to realize that there are people pretending to be empathic super humans and show their simply people who allow their emotions to rule them and have immensely over the top emotional reactions to events or situations.
Oh!
Amazing listening!
That we have someone so able to describe such indescribable concept.
So sad. And does explain a friend of mine-whoops non-friend- he rejected me as a friend but wanted to feel the lust. Was confusing, now it's sad; pitiful
I figured this out about my mother while my younger sister was on her deathbed in hospice. My mother did not come to support either of us and told me she doesn’t need my love, told me to give it to my sister 😢
@neeirv3761 That's absolutely heartbreaking, not to mention cruel, especially for your sister at such a traumatic time!
I'm glad you were able to support your precious sister though and wouldn't be surprised if you've stopped contact with your mother. ❤
Listen to dr Sam lecture has help me to understand so much about my ex. I didn’t know where his tantrums came from now I understand. And I want him as far away from me as I can. Thank you so much for open my mind to how this man brain works. And wow. How accurate
I‘m histrionic and consider myself as a victim of a narcississt. I believe he was also a victim of mine. We were poison for each other because I constantly injured him. I‘m not an empath but do have empathy though also some narcissistic traits. He refused staying friends After he discarded me because of the sexual tension between us.
I love how you explain three S!
Secondary: which means they always have a second source lying around just in case things go bad wirh their primary.
Sex: Their very impulsive and can not control their behavior or urges. Their sex drive controls them and they dont control it. Which why most do best with one night stands, hookups, and fwb. Being tied down to a long term relationship is boring to them cause their is no excitement or thrill of the chase in long term relationship.
Supply: They're primary focus of everything they do is to get a supply. No matter what that supply is or how they need to go about getting it, they will get it by any means.
Services, not secondary.
Thank you Professor, your lectures have given me so much perspective on my parents
Fascinating . During the pandemic I walk and learn from your talks . Interesting point about empaths
I watched the Axios interview with trump. Everything you have discussed I observed
Lol. Obsessive compulsive disorder ?
@@caspiana3623 omg get over yourself. trump doesn’t deserve to be capitalized, that would insinuate he deserves respect 😂
Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for these insights into the human unhuman nature. I didnt believe in hell, then i realised im living it..i didnt believe in god, then..i asked youtube "am I a narcissist?" And your channel came up! I hope to..learn something before the dark one grasps again..
Yea learning to feel no empathy has been hard. They were a huge presence in my life. And i have never loved myself more as of late. I feel bad that, they aren't a part of it at times because we laughed at so many things. It wasn't real at all though. And when I remind myself that it wasn't real it makes me feel no empathy whatsoever. If I hear of any miserable thing happening to them i just laugh and feel bad for laughing at them suffering. I know they wish they could call me and abuse me or have me coddle them. But they can't 🤣🤣🤣 I'll call the cops immediately so they can keep following their horrible accusations about me so they actually start believing them. Being this free is so confidence inducing