How Men Think Expert: "Is He WASTING YOUR TIME?" - Red Flags He's NOT THE ONE! | Matthew Hussey
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.พ. 2021
- Get my book Radical Confidence NOW
www.radicalconfidence.com/UDX497
Get my FREE 4-part Confidence Course
www.radicalconfidence.com/cdg...
Listen NOW to the WOI Podcast
podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
On Today's Episode:
The term ‘toxic relationship’ gets thrown around quite often in today’s digital age, but what does it actually mean? How can you truly identify the red flags and warning signs of one? How do you know you’re not the problem in the relationship? On this episode of Women of Impact, Lisa Bilyeu is joined by the world's leading dating advice expert Matthew Hussey to discuss such matters and more as they explore the red flags of a toxic relationship and what to do if you spot them. They discuss why not everything is toxic just because it was labeled as so, why the rationale behind your feelings might be invalid, how to properly approach a breakup, what to do after you’ve broken up, how to heal your trust issues, why you need to be self-aware and self-reflective, why you need to have compassion when approaching your partner, and much more.
SHOW NOTES:
Intro | Lisa welcomes back today’s guest and relationship expert, Matthew Hussey. [1:03]
Red Flags | Matthew reveals the key red flags to watch out for in your relationship. [2:36]
Toxic | Matthew reveals how labeling things as ‘toxic’ can be going over the line. [6:30]
Feelings | Matthew reveals why the rationale behind our feelings may be invalid. [12:22]
Breakups | Matthew reveals why people use language poorly while exiting a relationship. [16:23]
Post-Breakup | Matthew reveals why reaching out after a breakup can lead to pain. [19:22]
Forgiveness | Matthew reveals why it can be so difficult to forgive. [22:46]
Trust | Matthew reveals how to let go of the pain from your past relationships. [23:40]
Compassion | Matthew reveals the power of approaching your partner with compassion. [30:05]
Healthy Signs | Matthew reveals what to look for early into a relationship. [33:03]
It Might Be You | Matthew reveals why you need to reflect and have self-awareness. [36:32]
Be Curious | Matthew reveals why you should never rush to drawing a conclusion. [39:08]
Vulnerable | Matthew discusses why you need to be vulnerable. [43:08]
Connect | Matthew shares how you can connect with him to learn more. [45:50]
QUOTES:
“…when we’re scared, when we’re hurt, when we’re wounded, we have our favorite weapon. Our favorite weapon could be passive aggression. Our favorite weapon could be the silent treatment. Our favorite weapon could be storming off - it could be attacking you. We all have our favorite weapon and I think we often scare people off in relationships not because of our wounds, we scare them off with our weapons.” [7:45]
“You don’t trust that someone’s never going to betray you, you just trust that you’ll be able to handle it if they do.” [27:55]
“It’s very difficult, especially when someone is making us feel like we’re overreacting, to get impartial and to say, “Where is the line between me asking too much and me asking the right amount?” … and sometimes I think people don’t realize they’re toxic because they’re so convinced of their story.” [38:48]
FOLLOW LISA:
Instagram: bit.ly/2TIsoKh
TH-cam: bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: spoti.fi/2IEajGW
FOLLOW MATTHEW:
Website: getcoreconfidence.com
TH-cam: / gettheguyteam
Instagram: thematthewhussey
Facebook: CoachMatthewHussey
Twitter: matthewhussey
TikTok: tiktok.com/@thematthewhussey
The part that said, "give them space and freedom, enough to betray you, in order to know that you have what you wanted, when they don't betray despite having the freedom to do so. That's my standard." stole the show for me!
I love that.
that's how I live. I give you that trust... until you betray it. I'm not gonna watch you like a hawk, I'm not your mother and I don't have time for that.
Yup, if you feel you have to control situations to prevent the person from betraying you. You already know they're not trustworthy
@@aurora8749 OR....that "you" may have unresolved trust issues from a former relationship. Either one can be true, or they may both be true at the same time. Unjustified suspicions and controlling behaviour can kill a relationship just as easily as any "real" act of infidelity can. So believing that just because you "feel" insecure about somebody's behaviour means that they're actually guilty of what you're feeling....is not really great advice. This feeling alone will destroy the relationship, whether its justified or not. In the final post-mortem however, it could actually be YOU that brought harmful feelings to the relationship and made its lack of success inevitable. That's why it's important to always link ones "feelings" to the reality of each current relationship, and not to bring baggage with you. The person you're with now should never be made to suffer because of the actions of the person you were with beforehand. Not least of all because the person you're currently with will sense this and become repelled by the emotional injustice of it. They'll probably bail on you and tell you that you were obviously not ready for a "new" relationship....and whatsmore.....they'll be right!!
@@donnietobasco9791 I like the the way you think and explain it…any books you’d recommend on this topic?
28:25 TRUST YOURSELF A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings. Always believe in yourself.
I recommend you to a man who can help you manifest whatever and whoever you want to manifest within two-day ♥️♥️♥️
Whtsaap him**
On second thought, my past patterns make me NOT trust myself. That's is where I'm stuck. Raised in a abusive narc home with bpd narc mother and sociopath father and older sister. As the empath, sensitive one in the family, I was conditioned to overlook bad behavior. I subconsciously picked these toxic partners and friends. They are all gone and the great awakening is happening here, lots of healing. However, when I really reflect on the past patterns it becomes obvious and overwhelming. I'd rather be alone than ever enter another narc relationship. It's the most draining thing. Taking my life back, finding peace. Can't risk losing it. But thinking deeper, I've done sooooo much research on these personality disorders, I can spot them fairly quickly in people now. Maybe I can trust myself at this stage.
@@clementroman8516 😂 😂 😂
Deep
"Your Job is to take care of your. You are the only person who has been there every second of every day for your entire life." This made me cry. Thanks for the reminder.
Agreed...
Yeesss!! That was deep! Ur not alone It made me cry too! God bless be ur better version!!!
It made me cry too! It is so true... I am the only person who will always take care of me...
@Olivia Ronnie
WOW
OMG. This made me cry too. Very impactful!
"Allow someone to reveal themselves through their actions." Spot on.
Hello I recommend you to Dr James he helped me reconnected back my broken relationship and made my home secured from third parties within 2 days I advice you seek help from him..
Message him on Whatsapp
±2349029353859⏯⏯
WHAT'SAPP HIM
Exactly 100%real talk.... Truth!!!!!
💯💯💯💯💯
"People reveal who they are not through words, but through situations."
🔥
Very true. My boyfriend was telling me he loves me sooo much, but in the same token he was cheating on me and lying.
So true. Actions speak louder than words.
" Eye Opening ! "
when he mentioned how in the past...
he would " mistakenly " think... the " wrong thoughts... "
and he would realize... " what was I thinking ??? "
So true. The first thing I told my partner was that no matter what he says, I will always first look at what he does. His actions are louder than words any day!!!
The right relationship has a calming effect on us. That one really hit me. In my past relationships I was always so stressed out. Thank you for this incredible insight!
If it is stressful it is not worth it!
Same here I was always so worried about him and what he is up to if he is cheating or not 😩 it was so stressful
the most popular red pill dating coaches (for men) advise that women secretly get hooked on drama and tend to cheat on men when this is absent.
@@cyborg1320 this is because toxic "unavailable" men keep their mind CONSTANTLY engaged on what the hell he's doin and up to. If he does what he says he's gonna do, that man apparently becomes BORING.
"HEY I'm gonna run to the gas station real quick ill BRB. U want anything?"
Women already calculate how long it takes to get there (10 min) and how long it takes to get back (10 min again) and calculate how long it'll take u to get snacks how long it'll take u to stand in line (say another 10 mins) so in 30 to 35 mins 40 max you should be back.
If this happens CONSTANTLY, she's got u figured out and u lost mystery. The suggestion is to stay out LONGER than normal. Drive slower etc, so it takes longer for you to get home. This FORCES her to automatically WONDER about you. "damn what's taking him so long.. It's been 45 mins just to goto the gas station.. He ain't out w no chck is he.. I saw that girl at the counter lookin at him last time"
And there some of them can go. Mystery happening. Now THIS constantly happening has her mind on him a LOT. his phone beep, now you're wondering, now it don't beep, now you're wondering if he told someone NOT to txt. Etc playing on their insecurities to keep them engaged with you so you don't become boring. Once they figure u out they leave.
To me personally this is so dumb. Why are u gonna be set on the edge of ur seat like that, or constantly wondering who they talkin to when a txt comes in etc. Who they flirting with, smiling at, getting numbers from. I'm 38, I ain't tryin to go through all that mess.
If me doing what I say I do make me boring, then so be it then. Imma BORING @ss dood then. 😂 Atleast you know I can keep my word on small stuff so of course imma keep my word on bigger stuff.
It's frustrating bc after 13 yrs she say "it's bc were too comfortable"
Like WHO wants to be uncomfortable with a person.. You go thriugh uncomfortable phases to BECOME comfortable with them. Means you can TRUST THEM. Or u suppose to..
If that makes me a weird one, then hell, I'm just WEIRD then. 😂
👍 yep! I realized that.
Honestly, if they don’t make you feel safe you should just walk away. I know it’s easier said than done.
Yes, it really is easier said than done. It's horrible when you know you are not safe. Especially when you're not safe emotionally as opposed to not safe physically. Being not safe physically seems sooo urgent to me. Being not safe emotionally allows for discussion, a second attempt. Perhaps even a third. Perhaps even a need to consider that your view isn't the only possible viewpoint. It can be a well meaning downward slide that happens because you are trying to be understanding of another person. And compared to the upheaval of deciding who gets which pet, who leaves the established home, what happens with the children, family, friends, holidays, etc. It can seem that being unsafe emotionally is equally as traumatizing as the upheaval required to end the abuse. And then there is the concern that it could all happen again in a future relationship. Definitely not an easy deck of cards to shuffle through. I admire those who manage to make the difficult choices, learn the needed lessons and successfully build a good life going forward. They really are their own heroes.
Yes, yes! Feeling safe is very important, it should be mutual.
How is self-proclaimed NPD expert and his cold treatment? Looks like it didn't work? But if it would have done, it would've been such a great supply for him - people being humiliated and ripped apart for their own money and him feeling glee of being mastermind of it all.
@@ssmith5127 yes! this is exactly how my relationship lasted for so long yet we didn't make it in the end.
Richard Amen to that brother, that makes the two of us
I absolutely loved when Matthew said “don’t worry about trusting whether or not you can trust that someone will never hurt you. Trust yourself and that you will know how to handle it and how to walk away if they do.”
Matthew you’re great. I dated a Matthew that just dropped me like I was nothing and it def took some years off my life and they actually bully me . Cancer should hit them soon
U assume the worst already.thats called self fulfilling prophesy
I don’t know you and you don’t know me . This is facts of my life I shared in a random place .
I can not!!!
One of my favorite parts
What was freaking fire for me was “You don’t trust that someone’s never going to betray you - you just trust that you’ll be able to handle it if they do, that you’ll be able to walk away. Stop worrying about whether you can trust someone else maybe you can’t. We don’t know that, only time will tell.”
Don't listen to anything they say... Watch their Actions.
Hear that!! 🔥❤️
Z, sssszzzszzzs@@CrystalDatingCoach
💯 That's it !!!! ❤️
F I R E
'Toxicity is when being vulnerable with a person hurts you more...when you feel embarrassed, judged, humiliated. less than, unworthy... then something is broken in how you relate to each other.'
Oof
It's toxic when you're trying to tell them that you want different things but they want to keep seeing you anyways without committing after you've told them that's what you want.
Taryn Tyler,You are beautiful 🌷,you don’t need such man in your life!
Amen!
In that situation right now. I never thought I would be. Broke up because he lied, cheated, and convinced me I was to blame. But continued to see him for intimacy, justifying it by saying I didn't want to meet someone new. What was I thinking?
He was a waste of my time. I am breaking it off for good today. I'd rather be alone than with him, resenting him and loathing myself for being there. Next time I'll have good boundaries and stick to them!
Exactly
ugh yes i can relate spot on
“Your job first and foremost is to take care of YOU. That’s your number one job in the world.” - I began to cry when I heard these words. After a lifetime of thinking that the main reason you are lovable is just because you are always taking care of others, giving and serving…it can be so hard to feel like It’s actually okay to put yourself first. It can feel so painful to put your needs ahead of others, because you feel so much fear they will no longer love you. Being giving and nurturing is NOT the only thing that makes you worthwhile or valuable in a relationship - you are a beautiful masterpiece, flaws and all! Love yourself, live the life you deserve!
Unity Nada ...you are so right, it is that hit if validation and kindness that triggers are emotion ms and covers the red flags, we are so used up by giving all the time and missing the most important peice ..to give unto yourself .. and that is so difficult because it is such a mindshift if you always lead with your heart. We are taught to believe that us selfish so we now down and carer whilst denying ourselves full expression. You need to power up, turn on your own light switch of safety and protection from within and can only do this by putting yourself first (like walking through fire) loveinf yourself, protecting yourself, setting and honoring boundaries fir yourself and take down the wall that you've build and except gifts from nit only yourself but from others. Goodness shines its light through the dark spaces, it also empowers you against the silent sadistic personalities that play on your vulnerability and kindness but also key into the masochistic tendencies we've been engaging in on ourselves. Rule be kinder to yourself than to the other, your strength 💪 is needed gir service in God's work.
Beautifully said👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
Thank you for this I need to remind myself of this , what's the first step?
@@esthermisch1170 First steps? Set boundaries, don’t let other people use you any more by just lovingly and calmly saying “no”, focus on self-care, make decisions for YOU, do what makes you truly happy and not just what you think will make others like you. Easier said than done, but if you start to take these steps you will start to live the life you deserve, truly free. 🙏🏼💕
100% truth. We've been taught this whole time that we are to "stand by our man" and make sure everyone comes before ourselves.💖
We’ve got to keep educating people about abuse tactics. The longer you stay, the more you tolerate, the weaker you become and the harder it is to extract.
Like a drug withdrawal
‘If that person can’t deliver if that person can’t give me what I need, my feelings for that person are irrelevant!’ I’m keeping this for me to help cope with my heartbreak. 💔😔
In the same boat right now
Agreed I stayed because I loved him and kept trying and trying but left because I never got what I needed 👍
I got to that breaking point, and realized I was wasting my time. I was grieving the loss of my whole family and he couldn't deliver the real love that I needed. I felt it.
Check out Stéphanie Lyn Coaching too💕
I found DERRICK JAXN , start watching his videos! They will give you so much validation! 🥰
@@godzillamanstreb524 I love her!
I just want to say one little thing that happened recently with me and my new partner. My weapon is going cold on someone, try as I might, my affection disappears, it's like I become repelled from the person and I physically distance myself from them and I wont look at them as much. My partner noticing this reaction, didn't say anything, he continued to make dinner, he poured me a glass of wine, he let me watch TV in silence while he cooked. And then when I came into the kitchen we just stared meaningfully at each other and he knew something was wrong and he gently pushed my hair behind my ear and said quietly "Are you mad at me? Did I do something to upset you?". It completely changed how I felt, I instantly wanted to tell him everything I was feeling. I am so used to men being defensive and passive aggressive, this was the best thing he could have done. I am so proud of him and his intuitive reaction to my weapon.
Still this is basically asking men to be mind readers. Just be forward and honest, because what YOU we're doing is also passive aggressive. Many men aren't as socially adept as women so we need honest straightforward communication. Hoping we can read your blank stare is not a healthy communication habit
@@bloowhalez I'll let you in on a fact: No one said anything about mind reading. Just acknowledging behaviour and Men often know what they do to women they are dating/are married to.
If you think or claim men are too stewpid to know, then you are either a liar or ignorant.
@ Juliet Hunter I used to do this and realized it is so unfair to my partner. The man has to constantly chase your emotions and it eventually wears him down, deteriorating your relationship in the process. It's best to talk out your concerns
@@DiamondsRexpensive yeah but "being cold" aka sitting there quietly fuming and then also when asked saying nothing is wrong, is the wrong way to fix something. Again, instant by my statement, which is true, many men AND women say this, men are NOT mind readers. Stop using passive aggressive behavior. Don't justify that. If you have a problem say something. By saying nothing you are saying there's no problem. Basically stop playing mind games. It's unhealthy.
@@DiamondsRexpensive also you spelled Diamond wrong and Stupid wrong. Makes me wonder how you can call people stupid when you can't even spell English words correctly.
I believe the right relationship let's you be the person you are and encourages you to be the person you were meant to be. 🙏
That's wrong. The right relationship isn't to accept the mediocrity of both.
Your beliefs are yours and not wrong😊
@@alexisfrjp So what is it? To pretend to be someone you're not when you enter relationship?
My take home lesson is that I need to trust myself to be okay if the other person does hurt me. My number one job is to look after me. I've had me through the best and rough days of my life and I owe it to myself to take care of me!
This really resonated with me, thank you. I have forgotten to take care of myself and be there for myself for a long time. It’s time to change things up.
💯💯💯
@Gemma Dann I didn’t mean it like that. I tend to burn myself out putting needs of others before my own. I try to give myself the effort and love that I give my significant other. I am indeed capable of caring for myself financially and materialistically.
Trust you will be ok when you walk away.
I think when you are clear on your values and boundaries, you can communicate them and know when someone crosses the line. We all have those things that are a hard no or betrayal for us. We can then trust ourselves to do the right thing. Like Matthew says, in this case it doesn’t matter about your feelings or how much you love them, you have to judge on their actions.
My experience of red flags is something akin to this: he insults you. He cuts you off when you speak. He rolls his eyes at you when you speak. He treats you like a servant. He's excessively self centered. He's sexually selfish. He's easily angered. He treats you like property but not a person (even early on). He tries to sabotage your efforts to be self sufficient and to meet other people. He doesn't say yes or no but always maybe yet expects you to wait for him in case it's suddenly "yes". If you have other plans he tries to sabotage. He talks about himself constantly. He doesn't listen to you. He brags. He doesn't accept a no from you. He changes plans constantly. He talks very negatively about people. He's not concerned with your safety, wellbeing or happiness. I mean these are even early red flags, 2 days in or so.
100%
My list starts and end with “He insults you”.
That’s it. Game over.
I know where it goes and I’m not sticking around for it.
Also, special mention to guys that are in a rush to be with you. Slam the brakes. They are up to no good and they hope you don’t find out.
Wow!! For sure!!
certainly, although it's kind of common sense for me. I wouldn't even want to be friends with that kind of person. Who would want to be around that kind of person?
That’s pure toxic behavior...
These are all traits of a Narc!
When he said "it's not about trusting that they won't cheat it's about trusting that you can get out of it". So powerful❤️🔥 love you Mathew Hussy😘
This I’ve learned. Never place more energy into anything than what you’re receiving. Life is about checks and balances. When the scale isn’t balanced, we feel taken advantage, unsafe, etc. We strive for balance, but not everyone can deliver…now, I match others, and when I feel I may be giving more, I scale back and see what changes. This has been a savior for me.
I was told reasons why he might not message back, or see it, ect. I tried to accept it but once it became to much i brought up with him and told him it made me feel insecure and overthink. He said it was weird to overthink. From then on, communication got worse and i sent my final message saying i liked him but i couldnt just be in a casual relationship, if thats where it was going. He just got defensive in his last message and thats where it ended.
I guess i did give plenty of time and chances to initate and converse back but he never delivered. I just have to remind myself that i did my best to be understanding and compassionate of his situation but also have to respect my own needs and boundaries
THIS! "...now, I match others, and when I feel I may be giving more, I scale back and see what changes." Learning to scrupulously police things like reciprocity at the START of relationships helps me weed out users early on so I can relax and be naturally generous self with GOOD people. ❤
“You don’t trust that someone’s never gonna betray you. You just trust that you’ll be able to handle it if they do.” - mind-blowing.
literally changed my perspective on so many things when he said that
👏👏👏
@@chantalreneehayles7976 💯
@targarynka How is that stupid?
@targarynka nobody’s talking about murders here, are you high on something?!?
"Never reply when your angry, never make s promise when your happy and never make a decision when your sad." Anonymous
Love this! I’m adding it to my favorite phrases!
Lol this reminds me of the time I said yeah to a proposal just because the moon looked beautiful 🌙
@@phoebejernigan9473 yes me too
Wow this is beautiful! I'm saving it!
I love this
“Don’t worry about if you can trust your significant other. The most important things is to trust yourself, that you can walk away at any time.” Brilliant!
'We have completely different standards of how much we are willing to fight for each other' ........hits a chord right at the spot 🥺🥺🥺🥺
True.....standards of priority determine will to fight.....
@@shrutinair8459 Yes, well-said!
“You don’t trust that someone’s never going to betray you, you just trust that you’ll be able to handle it if they do” -Matthew Hussey.
That phrase alone,,🤯 So true! Words to live by!!! ❤️
Timing can u tell when he says
@@Angelthunder11 There are no guarantees, some are skilled players and you never see it coming so I think what Matthew is saying is don’t fear what may happen just have faith in yourself that you can handle anything.
True. I ws just cheated on and i have NEVER taken any man back, but i have my own personal reasons and... For my healing also. Until i can let him go!
@@harishacharya7164 27:00 ish
I believe that narcissism has not been talked about enough and people need to be more aware about narcissist and what narcissists do .
Agreed. There is program now for young people called "The shark cage". Teaching how to recognise those sharks and protect yourself and find healthy relationships.
@@moontan3927 that is so good.. im glad to hear that. I wish their was a program like that when I was younger. It would have save me alot.
@@queenrubygoat Indeed. It would have prevented some heartache.
You don't say🙄
Dr Ramani talks a lot about it on her TH-cam channel. She's amazing
Communication is everything. I just got out of a long relationship with someone who kept things to himself until something triggered him to blow up. He would hold resentment instead of talking things out and trying to find a solution. I'd pour my heart out to him and tell him what I'm feeling and trying to be on the same page, and he would completely shut down and avoid conversation. He was bad alcoholic and was dishonest frequently. Being physically alone is just the same as being with a partner who doesn't reciprocate emotionally. I'm glad to be done with the toxicity.
Same experience in my marriage happily divorced now and moving on…
Good for you! Happy you got away! But let me add that being physically alone with your self-respect and dignity is 100x BETTER than being with someone who disrespects you and makes you feel bad about yourself 💕
Actually a toxic "partner" (using that term loosely..), is WORSE the being alone.
How did you feel comfortable pouring your heart out when you knew to expect a bad response?
I have done that with past partners
@RC-eb5hq Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. It's better to be single and alone than being "alone" while in a toxic relationship.
I have a degree in psychology and not only did I do case studies. I was in a very vulnerable state in my life when I met a true narcissist, which I refused to see all the signs. I was with him for five years and it was too late to get out before I was completely destroyed internally. Everything Matthew described I experienced and I’m still working on healing/recovering from that relationship almost a year later, which has been the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I can write a book on his behavior and how it impacted me, from confident and happy, to doubting myself in every aspect, feeling humiliated, unhappy, sad, and worthless.
I had to get my own therapist before leaving him and he even controlled my sessions by making me tell him everything was talked about in my session. He got angry when I said he was brought up in my sessions. I still see my therapist and do plenty of meditation.
Please, don’t ignore the signs and run!
I’m on the same boat, exactly happened to me
May God heal n restore u Sandra
Brilliant Lisa , I love how you really listen intensely . Mathew is brilliant like life coach that translates into relationship advice
Same exact experience - he’s still contacting me - I won’t ever go back - truly the definition of insanity was loving him
Same, psychology and sociology! Red flags 🚩 were there, still ignored them.
I think one of the red flags is going through TH-cam to find out whether your partner is toxic or not after just one month of dating.. The answer is already there XD
Ur Intuition knows right, listen to it closely and stay true with urself, self-love ✌🏼
Sometimes the videos just pop up lol
Well... YT algorithm showed me this video. I'm married😅🤣 and don't suffer from any of that, only reason I clicked is actually because of my cousin. Idk how to help him.... because I'm not the normal person who knows what it is to have your heart broken so It takes me a while to understand this behavior or letting yourself get the best of you because of that.
🎯
That's not always true. A lot of misunderstandings can happen in the beginning stages of dating.
I loved the part where he emphasized SELF-trust...that even if someone hurts you, you can trust that you will protect yourself and walk away.
He's honestly the smartest man regarding relationship advice that I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.
Yes,I agree.
Absolutely! A lightbulb went off for me to day! 💯❤️ Thanks Mathew Hussey! 👍🏻👍🏻
OMG you need help if you think that
Coach Paula grooms
"You are with you every second of every day. It is your job to take care of you. If that person cant deliver, or give you what you need, your feelings about that person do not matter." Yup. I needed to hear that. I forgive too easy for treatment that doesnt hold up to my standards.
Feel the same x
Same
There is nothing wrong with forgiving them. But continuing to make excuses for the person and go back is a different matter. You can forgive them and still walk away.
This was so good specifically the part: you don’t have to trust anyone if you trust yourself.
🔥❤️
And... I *loved* ♥️ this too:
_"I keep a record not only of times I've been right, but also of times I've been wrong."_
*Honest. Self responsibility. Growth opportunity!*
👏👏👏
Yes!
Simple yet Brilliant.👌🏽
MY NOTES FROM THIS PODCAST:
10:37 people reveal who they are
not through their words but through
situations/in order to really know who or how someone is you have to see them in enough situations.
22:09 if they cant give you what you need then your feelings towards them are irrelevant.
28:25 You don’t trust that someone’s never going to betray you - you just trust that you’ll be able to handle it if they do, that you’ll be able to walk away. Stop worrying about whether you can trust someone else maybe you can’t. We don’t know that, only time will tell.
This man totally reaches me and totally clears all the emotional junk in my head. For some reason I can clearly receive his message and teachings. Definitely will be listening to him more.
It really hit me that we don’t have to know if we can trust someone but rather to know what to do when our trust is betrayed.
MY EX RETURNED TO ME WITH THE HELP OF DR OJIE A GIFTED SPIRITUALIST WHO CAN MEND ANY BROKEN O RELATIONSHIP AND CAN ALSO MANIFEST YOUR SOUL MATE ALSO TO YOU, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO SEEK HELP FROM HIM, 💜💜
†2348073788494⏭⏯❤️❤️❤️??????
Send him a message to meet your soul mate. Go back to your ex. Manifest your specific person and also save your marriage from divorce.🌈🌈🌈💕🌹🌹
My intuition is never wrong. A lot of people tell me I don’t give people a chance but if I’m feeling some kind of way about the person and I don’t know what it is yet I will leave it alone. Later on I find out I was right.
Me too
Just because others don't know what you know, doesn't mean you have to learn their lessons for them. You're doing good boo. Let them learn it. 😇
Me too!! It has never failed me
Same - I'm accused of nipping things in the bud early but I'm often right...I just can't put my finger on the reasons when I get that gut feeling
@Viva Vivea I am really Heartbroken to read this I hope you can get out of that, heal, and find someone new
I love myself and being single now for 2 years ... 56 and am finally at peace 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Good for you! 👍 I’m 44 and single. I’m having the best time of my life.
Me too! I’ve been single most of my adult life..... it’s calm, I can do what I like when I like, no one is critical of me or putting me down...... love it! Freedom! Enjoy!😁😁😁😁
@@michellewall6748 Exactly, no drama!
So happy for you.
Anita, I am 58. Heartbroken after a 6 year relationship with a man that never delivered! My fault for staying that long. Now, I feel too old to start all over and is hard to find friends my age that have the time to go out, go on trips etc... Please give me some insight.
I NEVER worry about being cheated on. If it happens, I leave immediately. Do not give others power over you and your happiness. Anyone willing to take you for granted does not deserve your presence, much less free rent in your head.
“Worry only about yourself”. Pure wisdom Matthew, thank you.
"...I'm going to trust because that's my standard for the kind of relationship I want to be in."
His opening line is grand. That is something I recently realized. Worry less about wondering what they want and what they are going to do but instead concern myself more with how I feel after spending time with them.
great tips, i couldn't believe my eyes or ears? i don't know but the end is fascinating ! bear in mind that when you sleep with yourselves then the red flag can't be used, it's absolutely different then, especially the deciding process whether yes or not . but i would recommend you if you rely on your experience in bed then don't do that and if you really rely on it then don't do it and if you really really rely on it then i can recommend you the best expereince ever with drops that i found spanish fly
30:20 "needing the space to see if u can be trusted"
This is very true. Because there's a word that needs to be remebered. It's called INTEGRITY. This is doing the right thing, even when NO ONE is looking.
So much good stuff here. I have dated a man who treated me poorly and I walked away. I’ve also noticed that a number of men want to jump the gun because of a projection they have of me online. They see a cool chick who loves God and plays the guitar. They don’t really know me but they are already thinking I’m this perfect person. One guy started comparing me to A young Michelle Branch.. I’m 41 years old! It’s a turn off to me when people project their image of me and “fall in love” with that image instead of getting to know me.
Very relatable!! 💯❤️
Oh my god, you've put one of my pet peeves into words! That's so true and irritating
Yep. I get it all the time. They think I'm perfect from what they see of me online but they don't know me and they already have such an idealized fantasy of me that I can't meet them because they've made me this goddess in their mind. No. I'm a real person and I can't live up to the woman they've made up in their heads.
Omg yesss how true I relate
You met him online, yes? he was memorizing your pictures and profile and projection happens. This is why it's important to meet as soon as possible - always. And no long distance relationships without an immediate meet up.
I loved his comment about how people defined themselves through situations and not by their words! I can’t really ever get to know someone unless you’ve had enough situations with them! I feel like so many times we get caught up in the fairytale of the words instead of the realistic aspects of who they are! Thank you so much for this video!!! Loved it!
💯 glad you enjoyed the episode!
Perfectly said! I love your takeaway, thanks for sharing. 😁
Hello please can we be friends
Thank you. 16 months after my husband walked out and refused contact for months, no explanation and with me believing we were soul mates, I watched this. And it rang so true I cried. But I know it's time to let go, it's old wounds hurting, not me actually wanting him. You are both brilliant- thank you
May I ask, was it a religious marriage? Are you practicing your religion of birth (in particular your husband ) or not?
I’ m finding man who have a strong believe in God the Creator and adhere to a traditional religious system are not inclined to cheat, break up a sacred marriage before God etc.
It’s easier for modern secular men though
Look out for God he will heal you, in a way human dating advice can’t
Sorry for your hurt and wounds. I hope you're able to find healing and love yourself. I know, It's not about wanting them back but hurting g over the wounds that they have caused.
@@ghanaina12 - thank you so much for your kind words. Time has been a great healer. Finding my own strength has made me a more confident person. Kind words such as yours have helped in a huge way. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Having faith in my own strength is what I have learned from the experience. Thank you again- I wish you wonderful blessings- your time and kindness means so much xx
You are the lucky one.So many women would love their husbands to walk away yet they seat like the glue the bulldog glue Enjoy your freedom,freedom is priceless
‘The space between your curiosity about someone’s actions and your judgement saves relationships’ - amazing.
When he said, “It’s like home”, that hit in a different way.
I feel you on that.
🥺
Right! That hurt my heart a bit to know I see me in that statement.
❤️
I cried
My entire life solved in 48 minutes and 22 seconds. Thank you Matthew. The calm, comforting and nurturing tone of this conversation was just what I needed at this time.
I agree. This was for me.
That's why I am not listening at 1.5x haha!
Oh! The point at around the 22:05 mark spoke just to me.. And just before that, someone telling you that they "miss you" is absolutely ZERO information. It's great to have a laugh at how the interactions can happen when you try to move away!
This is what I needed.. thank you ❤❤
Wow, so logical and level headed. I need to be stronger for me.
“Home just came back!” I cried after months of suppressing my emotions 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
This chat is so brutal....but it is the most hardest truth, I needed to hear
It's like someone is slapping me so hard ,over and over to snap out of it ..
I love how well she listens and asks really good on point questions!! They are staying on the same page!
al calibur, you look stunning dear
al calibur, you look stunning dear
Exactly. She's so tuned in and intelligent.
If every human , men and women, could communicate the way Matt does, this world would be such a better place. Thank you Lisa for this great interaction.
this is why he's here and he's unique in the way he thinks ...
Nah gender roles are outdated. Everyone has both feminine and masculine aspects ☯️ that they need to balance if they want to attract a balance relationship
@@NetiNeti-gm5bz most of the time thats not the problem
Yet, he’s still single 🤔
@@joanofarc1470 he's usually very private about his relationships. We only found out about Camila Cabello cause she's constantly in the spotlight.
But regardless, there is nothing wrong with being single. It means he knows his value and won't settle for less. Like all of us should. He's a hansome & intelligent man. If he wishes to have a girlfriend, he will have no difficulties getting one.
I love how Matthew is letting us in on his own personal mistakes in relationships a totally different more relatable and comfortable space for the viewers less valnurable.
"Your job is to look after yourself."
Oh, yeah, baby! This video is a life-changer! Thank you so much!
Carol M,You are beautiful 🌷,Hope you are not with a toxic man !
I love hearing the difference between a toxic person and basic incompatibility! Not wanting to make things work in a relationship doesn't make someone a bad person. Thanks Matthew and Lisa!
Just means that you want different things in life. And that's fine as well! I loved it too
Leading people on IS selfish though.
@@aurora8749 I agree! At least you have to honest about your intentions
But, things can change during a relationship - you may never have lead someone on but somewhere along the line your feelings change - that’s natural and signifies a mismatch - not that you never meant it in the first place
@@VP-tg8kd yes, and at that point it is your responsibility to end the relationship
One more! “People reveal who they are not through their words but through situations.” This is so much better than ‘actions speak louder than words’. Situations are totally spot on! 🤯
It's the same thing. You're actions in situations are speaking its not the situation speaking
@@cateyes0068what is your desired result with a comment like that? So we view it differently, it doesn’t mean either view is wrong as long as we are learning and moving forward. Next time maybe consider another point of view with acceptance knowing we all view the world through a different lens and it’s okay.
This is so true. It's also an angle I never had thought of for this issue. We are taught, especially as women, to always cater and jump for the man we "love". That's drummed into us from baby hood on. It's hard to unlearn these toxic roles.
This is truly the best video I've seen on relationship dynamic, where he is explaining things from a neutral position instead of throwing the word narcissist all over the place
Agreed. That word is SOOO overused by everyone these days half these people haven’t seen a full blown narcissist in real life… coming from someone who was raised by one. All of us have toxic traits it’s our jobs to work on them. Unhealed people does not equal narcissist. Narcissists lack accountability and gaslight you.
Oh my gosh. When he said, if I loved me the way they say they loved me, what would I be willing to sacrifice or compromise in order to be with me. That was a POWERFUL statement. This is the first red flag that your partner is *not* genuine!!!!
Perhaps someone has already said this, but Matthew Hussey’s: ‘Our weapons destroy relationships, but our wounds have the power to strengthen them’🤯🤩This was like a simultaneous head smack & hug-As Lisa Bilyeu would say “it’s Fiyah!” And yes it is🔥
You nailed it!
🔥🔥🔥
I changed the name of my ex in my phone to read "Raise my standards" 👍
Lol, mine will now read 'I am/will be fine w/I U' 😂
This was an excellent chat, Thankyou . At around 14 minutes, I suspect that we activate each others shadow through intimacy.
It’s far more complex than we typically consider it.
I love your content! Please continue!!! May Yahuah bless you in the name of the Messiah, Yahusha.
It's good to see you here Richard. I love your content
@@lucygoose6237YHWH Yahweh. Yeshua. Jehova.
Yeshua ha Meshiach.
Joshua. Emmanu - EL.
Jesu...
Yeah.. it’s work. It’s effort.. being conscious is a full time job and you can’t have a healthy adult relationship without it. Not really.
I agree. In my past relationship the real challenges for me (and her) kicked in when I was looking for more than a 7/10 on the intimacy scale (emotional).. Seeking clear communication and resolution was a clear point of activation and was perceived as a threat. It’s classic anxious-avoidant territory.
I love the part about giving your partner space to betray you. If they don't do it, that's how you know they're a real one. 😤
Hello please can we be friends
@@walessean5478
Lmao
I gave that space to my husband and he did betray me. He said he felt I'm not interested in him anymore....
@@walessean5478 yes, we can be friends :)
I like to think along a more positive line of reasoning by practicing giving a partner space-time to breathe(not smothering them), to grow beyond the shade of my own desire for growth (you've never seen two Oak trees growing inches away from each other)-- their individual branches would block out needed Sunlight.
I walked away when I still cared and liked him. I thought this would make me feel bad but it made me learn about myself and how to deal with my bad tendencies and it solidified that I really made the right decision. It was a bad situation with the lots of the tendencies that we both had that they mentioned which meant that we would’ve never worked out because both of us weren’t healed and we didn’t want to work on our problems for ourselves and each other. We also didn’t really match in what we wanted from each other and could or was willing to give each other. So both of toxic tendencies and incompatibility combined just lead to the inevitable breakup. Im still glad I did try it with him cause I learned about myself and relationships.
Now I can work on them and heal to become a better person for myself and the next person I’m gonna be with.
And now I know what to do next time- what to watch out for, how to proceed in a relationship properly through stages, what I want/don’t want and what I can tolerate or not.
Thank you for the lessons and the insight. I can only hope to internalize it and put it into action.
OMG I went through a similar situation a few years back! We both weren't healed enough to have a proper relationship. In the end I broke up because I felt his display and feelings of love towards me was stronger than what I felt towards him. We were constantly fighting because he felt that.
Anyways, he was never abusive or anything, I think we just weren't meant to be.
Very similar to my situation, I have really realised that taking accountability is the key to growth. It can be a very painful process but the person you come out as at the end is worth it.
And actually this is quite close to what happened with my second relationship as well.
"I don't have to trust everyone else. I have to trust Me to make the right decision in this interaction"😉🙏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Mattew is a very intuitive and perceptive person and I have learned so much with him but I have given up completely on relationships. They have been a source of pain many a time, too many times and now I am contented with myself, books, and nature and some friends. Maybe in my next life I will be wiser! Good luck to the people how still has hope! (I am 68 years old now by the way).
15:14 - Great Advice ! This applies to courtship as well ! Your feelings don’t matter!! ... if they’re not reciprocating basic interest in you (questions, initiating conversation,..) take a step back to recognize this and catch yourself : remain polite but stop the flirting and interest! Leaving it at “hello” is more than enough. In other words, start acting with your head and stop acting on emotion.
"I only know what I have if I give you complete freedom" (30.16) so on point!
Loved that. We don’t do that out of fear, mainly.
The universe brought me to this channel and this video tonight. I’m terribly sad but I’m also resigning to the end, and accepting it’s time to give up on the person I love. Absolutely heart breaking, but I needed to hear this all so badly. Thanks, y’all
I’m going through the same thing right now and although we weren’t together long it still hurts because I truly cared and had love for him and it wasn’t reciprocated 😭
Stay strong, I am going through the same as well - I feel sad and wish I have seen these videos before but maybe this is the right time for me to learn
At 67 I am just now learning to put myself first. I've always put others happiness before mine. I have recently started a relationship where I feel spoiled. It is strange and wonderful. He is one by one fulfilling my wishes and fantasies, sometimes without knowing until I tell him. We had a great spiritual discussion on how everything must of been aligned for us to meet when we did. Just taking it 1 day at a time with no expectations. I feel fulfilled.
±2348102689570⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,.....
Thank YOU for this definition of 'toxicity' - "when being vulnerable with a person hurts you more. . . Instead of soothes you. . ." (9:20). Reassuring that I made a good decision to end a recent relationship, but need to follow my intuition. (Very disturbing experience.)
I think leaving a relationship is never the wrong choice. Because not being in a particular relationship can never hurt you. Whereas being in a relationship that is not healthy definitely will. So yeah, me might sometimes leave relationships that we didn't need to leave but that is not a "wrong" decision, if anything it might be unfortunate.
I wish you all the best on your way :)
@@LaNoireDetruit Thank you. It was unfortunate that I chose to not follow my gut feeling/intuition and not get involved. The cons far outweighed the pros in a short time. It felt like I was chosen as an escape during a hard time and expected to fit neatly into some unspoken plan. Manipulative. My feelings were constantly discounted. Lessons!
This really hit me also. It’s like I was always made to feel worse. Sometimes I felt heard but then it’s like the disrespect returned in some way, shape , or form.
Yes, this man is so correct, we must stop this horrendous overuse of narcissistic personality disorder. I can say as a survivor of this awful disorder it is very deep and very difficult to correctly ID. I feel insulted as a survivor who went through the real hell, that everybody else thinks they have been there too just because a person didnt agree with them.
I have not yet seen the video and I generally agree that we cannot label someone as a narcissist with only very few of the symptoms present. However, our current economic system is a breeding ground for narcissism. Don't underestimate the amount of narcissists that are out there.
I completely agree. My first relationship was with a narcissist and we broke up 8 years ago. Till this day he stalks me from time to time and tries to threaten me. That just gives a glimpse of bad the relationship actually was. My anxiety used to be so bad. I literally felt scared all the time.
@@91desertrose Girl me too it's been 3.5 years and it still hurts.
@Kacha_uk I hear you loud and clear, truth spoken in every word. Many blessings to you and your recovery from the wicked of that hell. It truly re-writes you, changes you, steals your good & kind nature you held before everything you lived by and loved about being in a relationship was destroyed by such cruelty, evil, Monstrous behavior.
@All & T Things so well said, perfect!
My weapon is running away and closing myself off from someone. But it’s a toxic trait because instead of closing off, I should be speaking up and communicating like a grown up
±2348102689570⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,.....
that was a very deep and profound discussion of relationships; it's been extremely revealing and eye opening -- even for a middle-aged guy like me (48 years old and formerly married with two teenage children), who thought he knew a lot about what a healthy relationship should be like--and still, there is so much to learn! thank you Matthew and Lisa. 🙏
When you realise your own worth its very easy to recognise and cut off toxic ppl.
Yes,very true
“Don’t be unevenly yolked” is general advice I got from the bible about having equal relationships where each person pulls their weight.
You don’t have to make them a bad person in order to say that they aren’t going to walk alongside you through life.
equal in what? Age? then why so many same age reationship fails?.....Equal in amount of money? Women prefer wealthier men, Equal in Heigh? again women prefer tall men....Equal in what?
@@moisesbeyond You make it seem like men pull more weight, but actually it is women who do more. More caring/more housework/more secretary type work at work. Caring, remembering holidays, getting gifts and cards. The list is endless.
@@nofybn7794 If that is true then why women dont allow men to stay at home while she works? why is always that rather she stay home and request to the man go get a Job?? holidays, getting gifts and cards IS NOT a JOB ...is a FUN activity that is NOT FORCE but a CHOICE.....
@@moisesbeyond when you generalize you tell general lies.
@@azuresky4984 women are experts in generalizing are you suggesting women are wrong or are liars?
This video is like the best freely available therapy session. Matthew, just thank you! Wow!
I keep watching this video over and over...I have learned so much about myself from this video. I have been neglecting myself and always worried and took care of others for years, this has been an eye opener. I now more than ever wanna take care of myself. Thank you Lisa and Matt for this beautiful content, you have just changed my life and I can't thank you enough.
You can tell a toxic person by how your energy is effected in the individual’s presence. Pay close attention to how you change around the person. For women, they start changing badly right away. The minute she starts going with the guy she starts gliding downhill immediately. For example, her performance on the job or career starts dropping sharply. Coming in late, over staying breaks, getting called in by management and things like that.
And then she develops a snobbish don’t care about nothing attitude. Others will surely notice how she’s changing and may accuse the guy of bringing her down, but he’s not doing anything. Just hanging around him is whats doing it. His toxic energy setting off hers. If she steps away from the guy for a day she’ll go back to her original self and every time she’s with him again she’ll glide down again.
Yep spot on.....have completely experienced this! My marriage became toxic.....
Now I'm separated the 'grey' is lifting off all the things that use to make my heart sing e.g. like art, gardenning and learning guitar! All my interests became dull, now I'm bringing them back to life🥀🌷🌱 not sure what the future holds but I'm enjoying me.
Same for when the shoe’s on the other foot?
@@katrinax_x3689 You mean a man with a toxic woman? If that’s what you mean, of course. A man will start gliding down in her toxic company.
Though the decaying process appears more rapid with women around a toxic man.
@@HappyBeeTV-BeeHappy Yeah that’s what I was referring to. 😀
@Gemma Dann Yeah. But narcissism itself has toxic energy attached to it.
This is the most sensible discussion of autonomy and relationship I have seen in 20 years. Thanks for descriptions beyond labeling other people where the dynamics are a total mismatch without pathologizing the other party. That popular mistaken habit is destroying not just relationships but entire families.
Really glad you enjoyed the episode. Thanks so much for your comment ❤️
Hello Antonia, how are you doing?
Hello please can we be friends
We always need to be reminded that
"you are the only one Who have been there for you" 👌
Thank You Lisa and Matthew for this amazing episode.. it felt like you knew all the questions and answers embedded deep in my head.. it gave me so much clarity on how wrong i was interpreting and dealing with the toxic relationship for last 3 years..
My 2 best takeaways were about your first responsibility is towards yourself and if your insecurities get inflamed in a relationship then you are in wrong relation.. thank you so much again..
" okey so ZERO information" haha that really pulled me into reality
What a show “Your job is to look after yourself “ he is so brilliant . Thank you for sharing
I loved that part too
I love that he talks about having strength to walk away but also talks about how we all have our own weapons we use and to be aware of them.
This video makes really good sense. Whenever I was uncomfortable with someone I thought it was ME, never them. It comes from living in an extremely dysfunctional home while growing up and being the one to have to always stifle my feelings and be a people pleaser. My feelings were NEVER taken into account. So with relationships I was very uncomfortable with healthy men who honestly loved me. Now I search for them. But they're either newly wed or nearly dead. Lol!
...😪
Sounds like a song lyric 🎶 I love it!
"You scare people off with your weapons," was insightful. Thanks.
Hello Maggie, how are you doing?
It's so exhausting to worry about what if. I trust a person until they prove me otherwise then I will choose me and heal myself. I learned from my past relationships of cheating, lies, and disappointments. I know it is time to let go and focus on myself. The more you love them the more they hurt you because you gave so much of yourself to make them happy. Time do heal all wounds and you learn to identify the red flags.
I’ve listened to hundreds of videos on BPD, toxic controlling relationships and relationships in general. This is one of the few I’ve listened to 5x and will continue to until I know it by heart: a lot of wisdom. RP could learn something here
Sorry for quadruple post - this guy is way heavier than I thought. Really solid concepts and advice. Thanks again 😎
You 2 would make a great Master mind workshop Richard & Matthew
I love "heavier than I thought" love that Richard
And he truly is, he hits me so hard with his hard truth that I can't help being emotional
He could also make a great life coach, for me he is not just a relationship expect
@@kimgordon3695
Ol
When he said on the first date and the other person is saying oh I think your so great and so on when they don't know you bc I just went through the same situation where the other person was sitting there telling me how beautiful I was how wonderful and great he thought I was and he didn't even barely know me and it ended up being a very bad relationship he ended up hurting me so that is definitely a red sign when on the first date they tell you how great you are and they don't even know you.
Ultimately it all boils down to control and realizing that in many situations we have to let go of the imaginary control we thought we had or wish we had. Learning to let go and develop a mindset of gratefulness for what you do have is a game changer.
The only real control we have is over ourselves, and it should be neither imaginary nor let go. :)
It's home coming back - perfectly said. When someone with whom you had deep connection leaves you, yes, it feels like you've lost home. Fortunately I didn't fall for this: Are you still there? But still the pain was awful and many years later I can still say is one of the worst things that I've experienced.
“I only know what I have if I give you complete freedom and you don’t” [betray me]. That resonated with me. Another thing was when he said don’t worry about if someone is going to betray you…trust yourself enough to know whether or not you can handle it if-or-when they do.
Pretty clear on Job #1. I think it's easier to accept the crumbs left behind than to stand our ground . To look at the long term gain of a breakup vs short term temptation.
Paula A,you got a lovely smile!
Hello Paul,how are you doing?😊😊
Absolutely spot on. The complexities of human relationships, especially when we're just getting to know someone. I am currently starting out on something new with someone and am navigating the waters with a new awareness of self ie, my past emotional baggage, traumas, triggers, reactions etc and finding the courage to remain authentic and vulnerable within all of that. It's scary as all holy hell BUT we never know if it's worth the risk if we don't try. We can spend our lives protecting our heart but we also end up living half a life.
Thank you, Matthew. I always preempt that people will leave because of my childhood experiences, disability, and entrenched feelings of worthlessness. So I hide away from human interaction, especially in person. Time to write a new, life-giving self-narrative :)
Been watching a lot of videos on toxic relationship, narcs etc.. this is so spot on. Your feelings are not always valid, all people have narc characteristics, sometimes we are all toxic.. this is perfect!!