Don't Go To Bed Angry, They Said $h^tTherapistsSay
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ส.ค. 2022
- Don't Go To Bed Angry, They Said $h^tTherapistsSay //
Have you heard the advice, don't go to bed angry? Is it good advice or bad advice? If you're fighting with your partner and wondering if you should talk it out before bed, then watch this video as we explore this old idea.
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• Don't Go To Bed Angry,...
On the note of needing to have the conversation later, there were plenty of times in my last relationship where we would get in an argument late at night, it didn't go anywhere, and we said "let's talk about it tomorrow." The next day, one of us might say "I don't even remember what I was mad about." Sometimes it's late, you're tired, you're irritable, and you just end up looking for a fight.
Yep, didn't actually realise this until my current relationship. We eventually say "we'll talk about this properly tomorrow, good night still love you etc" then wake up the next day with a clearer head..leading either to a resolution to the problem or us realising there wasn't a problem at all we were just tired, cranky and stressed
Exactly! More often than not, once I've calmed down, gotten some rest, or whatever, I look at the argument and think, "This is actually nothing. I don't actually care about this."
I was just worked up about it, so it felt very important.
true for me too. I tend to get easily upset/annoyed when I'm really tired, so it's much better for me to go to sleep and the next morning I'm able to say things in a much nicer way, or like you guys have said, often realise I actually don't care about it that much and was just tired
As someone who is married, it means a lot that even a marriage therapist admits they screw up.
I’ve told my husband, “It’s late, we’re both tired, if we have this conversation now, we won’t resolve the problem now, and it will probably get worse. We’ll both be upset and won’t sleep well. Let’s do this tomorrow or during the weekend.”
When my parents fought my dad says “I’m sleeping on the couch!”
My mother responds, “no you’re not!”
My dad then says, “yes I am! you can’t stop me!”
The problem with my marriage was, we would go to bed angry, we would live the next day angry, and then have to try to forget about it because he refused to "talk about it".
Overtime, the amount of resentment from unresolved disagreements and Issues, destroyed the connection
My husband and I have never been able to do the don't go to bed angry thing. I don't think it's physically possible for us. We're both the type of people who completely shut down when we're upset so when one of us does something hurtful we need 12-24 hours to process and self soothe before we can talk about it. I can count on one hand the times we've actually shouted at each other (11 years and counting!) but I've lost track of the number of times we haven't spoken for a day because apparently the emotional center of our brains is running Windows 95 and it's just like, "Appropriate response loading. Aprox 22 hours remain . . ."
We tried it years ago when we first got married and it did NOT work for us. We needed a cool down time before we talked it out. Talking is much more productive when we are rested and not actively angry.
Also, we don’t sleep on the couch. We both have a right to our sleep space even when angry.
Sometimes you need physical space not just mental. I have escorted myself to the couch on many occasions. I wasn't going to demand that he leave cause it's his bed anyway but I definitely didn't want to be in the same room and if he let it go and decided he wanted sex cause he was "over it" I would have blown a fuse. Easier to be apart.
I had a significant other who used "Don't go to bed angry" to wear me down until I caved and agreed with him just to be able to sleep.
That sounds healthy and respectful... I had one who got worked up on his own by 10-11 pm (the time I normally go to bed) and dragged me into late night arguments. Note that I was normally minding my own business that time of night, cooking, showering, etc.
Honestly, it's just so refreshing to hear that other people have arguments that last for hours into the night. I always felt so bad that we did that, and I know it's not healthy, but just to hear that it happens. It was so important for my husband and I to learn to go to bed angry, and I think it's a skill. To know how to put it down and coexist.
If I ever have a long-term relationship, not only will I go to bed when I have to, I'll probably insist on different bedrooms because of my circadian rhythm disturbances.
I listened to a man on the radio talking about a relationship in his early 20s. They had a bad talk over the phone (he was away) and he did not have the patience for her that day. They "went to bed angry". The next day she had taken her life. She would probably have done that anyway, that day or another, she was in a bad place and with no real support. They were both two broken young people at the time. But he spoke of how that haunted him to this day, even many years later, that his last words to her were said in anger and to hurt, and even made him change his carreer path to help suicidal young people. Nothing soothes that pain.
As someone who has wanted to do things like impulse drop out of school, cancel important things, or make other less-than-wise decisions when panicky and exhausted late at night, IMO it's probably best not to make ANY important decisions late at night when tired 😅 It's amazing how much better things can look after a good night's sleep or just any amount of sleep.
Been together with my wife for 10 years (married 6 years), and we always agree to solve or put a rest to a conflict before going to bed.
Conflicts stay out of the bedroom, that room is for love and compassion ❤
This is something I struggle with because sometimes I hyper focus on whatever is bothering me and I know it isn't a big issue so I try to just go to sleep and deal with it in the morning but I can't fall asleep. I just end up tossing and turning aggressively in bed and sighing loudly in frustration which eventually wakes up my husband and the inevitable late night never ending discussion/fight begins. I was also raised on the "never go to bed angry line" but like Jono I do not function well on lack of sleep and my emotions just get all over the place. We have always managed to get through it but the fights have almost always gone on for too long or gone in circles and some of the time it would have been better to put a pin in it and deal with it later. Thank you for these insights!
Yeah even if I don't have a spouse or anyone to sleep in the same bed as, I can't sleep when really full of big negative emotions...
New drinking game: take a shot of soda every time Jono or Alicia says the word “aroused” (kidding)
In all seriousness, while there is some wisdom in resolving your conflicts before laying your head down to sleep, making a plan of when you’ll try to resolve it can be just as effective, and lead to better sleep and better solutions the next day.
The "don't let the sun go down on your anger" from Ephesians 4:26 is more like.. Don't let rage control your life, do whatever you can, as far as it is up to you, to live at peace with the person you're hurt by. This isn't a mandate to work out all of the things you're in conflict over on little to no sleep. That's obviously not going to work, anyone who's tried it knows that can't be what the Bible means. It might be ideal that you can go to sleep in perfect harmony with whomever you are in disagreement with, but if you press an issue so far and dogmatically that you're robbing yourself and others of the minimum required sleep to even function the next day, you're holding the first part of the verse in contempt, which is "In your anger do not sin", which is clearly what you're doing if you're not allowing sleep to the other person.
I really love you guys talking candidly about your relationships. I think there's not enough real talk around relationships and how important it is to understand coping mechanisms and previous family dynamics, as well as expectations of what a real and healthy relationship looks like. It's a real learning curve and it's especially difficult for people with interpersonal traumas (whether they know they have them or not), and seeing how others manage their dynamics is very helpful. Something I like to say to my husband when we come back together after a bad argument is that "we're all living this life for the first time", basically acknowledging that mistakes were made because there were elements involved that neither of us could see until it was too late. It helps to move us forward by realizing our own limitations as regular people and not holding on to unrealistic expectations of "perfection" in our relationship. It's a messy process but it can be very rewarding whenever new ways of fitting together are discovered and integrated as a result of those tough moments. Anyway, thank you both for this channel and your honesty. ❤️
I live the "don't go to bed angry," but in the sense that I can't sleep when I'm mad hahaha. More seriously though, I very much believe that a lot of conflicts can be resolved by just a good nights sleep and/or a little time apart.
Please react to the all too well short film!!
I've never been in a romantic relationship, but I do have a mom who has a temper. She has a tendency to shout and insult if you disagree with her, when she is frustrated or when you don't understand what she wants. When I argue with her I tend to shout right back (funnily enough I never feel the need to shout while arguing with anyone else) so emotions are high on both sides. Nothing usually gets solved while we are both emotional. Either one of us will storm off (usually me) or dad comes in trying to play peacekeeper (which he sucks at making mom angry at him for butting in). Either way the conflict gets resolved or forgotten only after we have both calmed down. Sometimes (very rarely) we have gone to bed without resolving the conflict and solved or forgotten it by morning.
As someone who has no experience with romance, I would think trying to resolve an argument while you are exhausted would be a bad idea. You get angry easier when you are tired, making calming down harder.
I don’t want to talk it out after an argument. I shut down, “give up so to speak”, and I just need time to process it. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
A therapist once said to me on the first session “you’re very handsome! What are you wearing?” (Was an online session) true story
I TRY to not go to bed angry or annoyed because I have GAD and I know that if something happened to my spouse before we got to speak and resolve an issue from the night before, I’d regret going to bed angry and/or annoyed for the rest of my life.
That doesn’t work for everyone but that fear actually pushes me to resolve issues instead of letting it fester (which was a big problem during my childhood and teen years).
This is one I knew was BS, haha. We’ve had fights in the evening and often it’s to do with handling a misbehavior or something during the kids’ bedtime period when they’re tired and punchy, and by the time our non-sleeper is down everyone is exhausted. And I also found that the sleep deprivation definitely didn’t impact me as negatively as my husband, or at least I didn’t feel the need to talk about it as much, haha. But having arguments in the evening, especially when you have small children sapping your life force out of you 😂… I try not to go to bed angry on most occasions because I have a personal deep discomfort with leaving things unresolved. But sometimes that look that you get and you’re just like “nobody is ready to talk about this yet”. Then you wake up in the morning and that heated feeling is gone. You might need to talk about it later or might not depending on what the conflict is, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation where we are talking through a serious issue but I’m too tired and tearful and want the conflict to be over so I don’t stand up for the things I actually want to stand up for which I then end up resenting him for. It might be uncomfortable to go to bed angry for some people like me, but it won’t cause as many problems as trying to navigate an important conflict when emotions are heightened and you just don’t have the mental resources to do it at that time.
You guys are cute and make my heart smile. Keep up the good work! It's inspiring
I just wanted to say, thank you for making this video. It's so important to see a healthy relationship, one with true honesty and compassion. I think today in this world of atomization and misunderstandings we dont see that.
Also it's cool seeing two therapists come together, as partners and colleagues and share their knowledge with each other and with us as the audience.
You both make me smile, thanks for the way you are (both)
I really needed to hear this two days ago.
This started strong and continued with good remarks. I was curious whether you"d endorse the classic advice, but within seconds you convinced me that it's not a one-size-fits-all solution. Thank you.
Your thumbnails crack me up 😂
Love this channel!!
Glad you like them!
I agree to a degree as well. I try to not go to bed angry in most instances, but sometimes there is not an ability to resolve issues until a rest has happened. So, as a general rule, I think it's accurate. But it has times when it's not valuable.
I agree that this is a rather bad advice. The contrary of "sleep it over", "think it over" or "calm down (before both parties just unleash their anger unfiltered and make it all worse)"
Even if I see that it can be hard to fall asleep when fuming over something. (OR be aroused badly in any not sexual way. But calming/soothing yourself is another learned skill after all)
Besides, what could be the alternative? You can't force or rush bigger anger triggers to just slip away just because the day is at its end.
Plus I've never had a partner... but parents and siblings.
That said BEFORE watching your video, now I'm very curious for your views on this. (And you are such an adorable team, it's a blessing to watch you)
And, not disappointed. And I have to admit I'd rather not go back to the issue, and take the hurt for myself. Flight... But all of this and so much more is precisely because I grew up in a very unhealthy familiy situation and noone araound me would model the skills to healthy conflict solving. I'm btw per defintion too tired (and to unsecure and anxious) to fight. I pretty much learned to give up and numb my feelings, so I hardly gat angry any more. At least I'm aware that's unhelthy too.
But I'm working on it all, and its EXHAUSTING.
Still love to follow your precious channel and keep picking up new insights and persepctives. Thanks!
I always took the saying "Don't go to bed angry" as a way of saying cool off, then hash it out when you're level headed - for me this looks like taking some space and do some self work like journaling to get my thoughts out so my head isn't spinning when I lay down. I find after a good night's sleep and time to think, it's always better to come back and talk things out. Most of my frustration (most notably when I'm tired) comes when I feel like I'm not communicating clearly so giving myself the time to sort my thoughts out in my journal usually helps me get past that hurtle.
Can you or have you done a video on the difference between "support" vs "tolerance"? Sometimes ppl think they are supportive of their spouse's goals or ambitions etc. when they put 0 effort in helping it come to fruition or being even a little involved but if their spouse called them out and said "you don't support xyz" the partner would be genuinely confused because they "never said their partner couldn't do xyz or actively tried to stop them from doing xyz".
Just reread your last sentence, and you'll understand what tolerance is. Support is active; tolerance is passive. Support is engaged; tolerance is disengaged. Support is responsive; tolerance is unresponsive. It is about communication and sensitivity to what each partner wants and needs from each other to flourish. Couples are individuals first, who have their own preferences and needs, and relationships are stronger when those are respected. So negotiation, not taking each other for granted, and reciprocity is key to accommodating each other. But it should be remembered that supporting another person is a collection of learned skills too. Not everyone knows how to do it well, and may need help.
@@BigHenFor Yes. I guess my question was basically a break down of what we just talked about from a professional...possibly a video one might share with a partner. LoL 😉
i think it was Phyllis Diller said "Don't go to be angry - stay up an fight!' Just humor! good things happen when you can sleep on it!
I completely agree with everything said. However sometimes honestly just having a yell at each other can be cathartic and then we feel better once we’ve got all the dumb emotions out
Yes and then angry sex, it's a thing for a reason
I am definitely a withdraw-er. How do I stop? How do I push myself into a different response? I'm afraid that doing so will heighten my stress levels and make things worse.
It definitely takes a lot of practice. I recommend working on it with a therapist
Not going to bed angry guarantees not sleeping, because I don’t get “not angry” instantaneously, and none of our late-night arguments are over something you can resolve before midnight…
Ironically I have been told the opposite of this which is to sleep on a decision.
I love 💗 y’all!!!!
10:27 She remembered! 🤣
I don't know how many times I go to the bed angry to sleep. Many
I'm one of the people who doesn't want to go to bed angry, because
1. If I feel negative emotions when I go to bed I can't really sleep, and when I wake up I have worse depression than usual
2. When I'm tired I'm more prone to forgiving and reconciliating both because of a wish of peace, and because being mad is really energy consuming for me
3. If I sleep on it until the next day, I won't be in any mood to discuss it then, I'll just want to forget about it, and thus avoid it
9:53 unfortunately, totally been there.
Pls do a video on Maeve wiley
Love it! Great advice to feed them at night.
Yeah I heard that growing up all of the time, and really? I can't do that. If I'm mad, I gotta work through it, and I can't do it on someone elses timetable. Sometimes, I'm tired and I just need to cry myself to sleep and go to bed. Sometimes I wake up and I feel differently. Sometimes I wake up and I'm still pissed. It is what it is, but it doesn't feel productive to assign some shut off point.
You guys should react to the song therapy from tick tick boom
After all the videos I have watched of you two, I have decided that..I am Alicia😅 I think we are actually the same person!
Please react to comedians talking about mental health, Taylor Tomlinson has bipolar and she talks a lot about this
I express myself better in writing, so I used to ask for time to calm down and think. And that he would read my thoughts. That individual did not agree to that, but it is an idea.
This has worked for my mom and I. I am the same way. My emotions get so jumbled and heightened, sometimes I need space to sort though them. Kinda like if you were to toss a bunch of different yarn into the same bin and it all got mixed and tangled together. Writing and talking it out with myself helps me untangle the main emotions and I am able to communicate them in a way that defuses the situation instead of escalating it. It's cool to know that I'm not the only one who has done this. I'm sorry that the other person wasn't willing to do that.
Hey can you and Cinema Therapy react to the HBO show The Leftovers it is the definition of every one needs a person to talk to.
Thus the mighty Hulk was taken down. Not by a powerful foe, but by the power of sleep deprivation.
I would rather go to bed angry, wake up calm, and discuss an issue with a calm demeanor, instead of remaining awake while tensions are high, saying things that tired, angry people say and potentially make things worse.. Like, its very, VERY hard to get me angry in the first place, but when I am, it's not pretty. I regret my anger decisions FAR more than I do any of my drunk decisions. If I'm arguing with someone during the day, then I will either take a walk to calm down, or simply ask to just sit down together, be quiet, and just do something together, whether it be watch a movie, or something else simple. Being with that person, feeling my feeling and just letting myself think things through and reminding myself that I do care for the person, and I want to enjoy my time with them, I find very helpful. Some people would never do that, and I understand why, but I like to be able to connect with people, even if we're upset or angry with eachother.
My ex partner used to wake me up at 4am to argue about something (btw, we had very different cycles: he went to bed very early, like 9pm and I was more of a 1am type of person). The arguing usually lasted around 2 hours and then it always ended with "oh, we have to work tomorrow, we should talk about it another time". But I was so angry at that point I was not able sleep. So how is it even possible to go to bed angry?
With time I developed techniques to find my sleep again...going to sleep elsewhere (like Jono, I sent myself to the couch 😂😂😂) or go work on my laptop (after 20 min I was sleepy again).
Finding something to distract yourself watch a short TH-cam video and remind yourself whatever it is will not be more important than you needing to sleep. Unless it's an emergency which it doesn't sound like it was. It's hard to think straight when you're tired anyways. I also noticed you said ex that's probably for the best lol waking someone up just to argue is so stupid and rude.
@@brianawhittaker8152 it was kinda toxic yup 😅
But entertainment didn't worked tho, I could not focus on a passive activity, only work helped in that situation. Especially if it's boring. Best sleep pill ever 😂
8:37 This segment implies blameshifting onto Jonathan's need for resolution for Alicia's anger outbursts. Maybe I'm misinterpreting something, but this gives off the vibe that Alicia isn't taking responsibility for her rage and its consequences.
That does make sense. But I understand what they mean as well. If one person is getting too angry to think (it’s a real thing that happens to everyone) and the other doesn’t respect that because they feel like they need a resolution RIGHT NOW, it will inevitably lead to the first person saying and doing things they didn’t want to do and recognized they needed to stop the conversation. The other person’s need for resolution isn’t being overlooked or ignored, it simply happens that resolution will never be the result of pressing on in this situation, so it’s useless and will very likely lead to two people getting hurt.
In short, you can’t really blame people for getting angry when they said “I’m getting angry, I need some space” and you ignored it completely.
@@raquelmarcalsantos THIS!!! In SPADES!!! When angry person says, I need to cool down so let me think on this first, they are not sulking; they are LITERALLY finding a healthier outlet for their anger so they can come back to the problem with a more rational mindset later
❤️
If you are exhausted you are more likely to find more stuff to get mad about. Usually, you just can't take much more and your partner just has the bad luck to end up in your crosshairs. Or if both are in the same state and making up a battle of opinions (lacking rational arguments).
But if one is so upset and watches the other just rolling around and sleeping off... THAT can be really dangerous. You might end up with a pillow pressed on your face. So if she throws her guy out of the bedroom, she actually subconsciously maybe saves his life 😉
Oh, and better don't have breakfast at home after an unresolved fight. Coffee can mask a lot of dangerous stuff 😅
please react to rafe cameron from outer banks!!
Please react to grey's anatomy
Hey, you have a pretty determined little scammer in here masquerading as you. I dunno how they think anyone would telegram them but they're pretending to be you. There's others but that's the aggressive one.
It’s not only this channel where this did happen.
Everyone must know, you can not win something what you never participated in
I disagree with you.
Hangry mom = EVACUATE THE PREMISE 😱😱😱😱