How Can I Become a Better Listener in My Marriage
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 มิ.ย. 2024
- How Can I Become a Better Listener in My Marriage #AskATherapist //
Have you ever asked yourself, how can I become a better listener in my marriage? Watch this video if you'd like to know how to be a better listener in marriage, and in all relationships.
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I feel like a lot of people, including myself, are pretty good listeners. That is, until someone berates us for something we did wrong. It's so easy to get wrapped up in defending yourself or explaining why you did what you did in order for them to stop being mad. We end up forgetting the other person needs to be able to say what's on their mind as well, and that they're not necessarily wrong. Maybe we did screw up, even if we didn't mean to. It's a life long lesson, hearing others the way we want to be heard as well. And a very important one!
How all of our fights escalate here.
Same
@@ryanedwards7487 Knowing yourself and how you react is the first step, right? With practice, we can all do better!
I’ve found that a lot of people won’t really listen even if it’s not about them. They’ll start to listen, but then immediately offer advice, question your behavior, blame you, try to psychoanalysis you, offer fake pity, etc. when all you really want is empathy.
@@ksenia5199 That's very true. A neglectful parent will never own up and say "you're right, I wasn't there for you growing up" they instead blame it on the school or others.
It's hard to react correctly if you never were taught or shown that. It's often said that we model our parents, so if you weren't ever shown good healthy communication it's that much harder to adapt those skills yourself. Empathy is a skill, compassion is a skill, listening is a skill.
My husband, walking in the room: What you watching?
Me: Shut up, I'm learning how to be a better listener in my marriage!
"Active Listening " is a skill everyone can improve on and it helps both in personal and professional spheres.
"You can totally tell me I'm wrong if I am, but I just want to clarify; It sounds like your saying / meaning: ____., what do you think?" This has saved my husband and I many fights.
When you realize you weren't truly listening to this video and you have to restart xD
Yeah mom life tends to get in the way of actually listening. 🙃
Something my mother and I learned in therapy was that she needed to allow me to translate what she is saying into my own words to ensure that I'm understanding. We fought all the time, but once the therapist showed us that we were actually saying the exact same thing it helps us reach a solution a lot sooner. It took her a while to let it happen and it also took me time to stand my ground and not shut down.
"I have to be the shepherd of my Brain"
Very nice metaphor, thank you Jono! 👍🐏↩️👈
Not just a lovely metaphor, for me it's very powerfull message of "it's ok if your thoughts get side-tracked as long as you realize that and go back to listening again" because that happens to me sometimes and it always made me feel so very quilty about it, but this... the fact that now I know it happens to other people, who in my perception of things know better then me how to be good person as well is extremely liberating...
Very practical tips for one of the things that gets me in the most trouble with my wife. She definitely feels disrespected when I’m not listening well or forget to follow through. Thanks for the insights and wisdom.
I recently read this book on non violent communication by Marshal B Rosenberg, and it made every thing you are saying here make so much sense (in a practical way) as it explains how to identify feelings and needs without judgement and to properly express them. I wish had applied all these concepts before so I could have saved a 5 years relationship that failed because of such communication issues.
As to my listening, not my job. They've both made it abundantly clear that my jo is to be invisible, inaudible, and intangible.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are getting to find a support network outside of your primary family system. Please take good care. Sometimes we're left to do our own parenting and it just can't be helped.
Shelving your agenda:
1) I will speak to express empathy
2) Express accountability
3) To clarify to make sure you understood correctly
3 quick observations:
1) Don't be afraid to let someone know that you didn't catch something that was said.
Sometimes, we miss things. It's important that if you didn't hear or understand what a person has told you that you let them know and request that they repeat themselves. It can be embarrassing, but it's far preferable to pretending you heard everything when you didn't.
2) Try to act on the most charitable interpretation of what has been said.
This is particularly important for situations where you can't observe body language or vocal intonations, but is still important for face to face interactions. Along with listening to hear and not rebut, it's important to operate from a position of generosity. As a bonus, assuming the best of the person you're communicating with can sometimes defuse actual antagonism and lead to unexpected good outcomes for both sides.
3) Realize that some people will have difficulty with some facets of social norms.
One specific example is the commentary about eye contact. Part of being a good listener and communicator is also understanding what style of listener the person you're communicating with actually is. A lot of people have difficulties with some facets of what is considered "being a good listener", and it's a good idea to consider that when you find yourself in conversation with someone who, for example, seems to be avoiding your gaze, or acts in ways that are outside of expected norms. Taking a moment to understand their PoV can be vital in making communication easier all around.
#1 is hard to do in the UK, at least in my experience - the polite default is to say "Pardon?" or "Sorry?" but it's better to be very direct, as that isn't taken as exactly what it means.
Can you give some examples for number 3? Or some links with further information.
Thank you
@@RainbowSunshineRain There are a wide variety of conditions people might have that are most obvious when in conversation, including autism, ADHD, and anxiety.
These can manifest in a number of ways, such as difficulty in making eye contact, staring too hard, interrupting, talking too quickly, talking too slowly, blurting out inappropriate comments, going on seemingly irrelevant tangents, difficulty with explanations, among the most common.
I'm on the spectrum, myself, and I've taught myself to watch people's mouths when they speak so that when I'm paying attention, the other person can have visual confirmation of that fact. Personally, I'd be much more comfortable looking anywhere other than at their face.
I also have to hold myself back from engaging as fully as I'd like as other people often view my enthusiasm as being too aggressive.
On the ADHD side, fidgeting with something while in conversation is very common. These days, that manifests as staring at a phone, but can include playing with pens, tapping on surfaces, or devices designed specifically for fidgeting. I, personally, tend to click my fingernails.
There is also an issue of distractability. A person could be paying full attention, but then get distracted by something outside of their control. I've had conversations where I've realized after the fact that I didn't actually retain all of what was said and have to ask the other person to repeat themselves.
Thankfully, I don't also have anxiety, but for those who do, it can lead to difficulty with entering conversation at all, there might be a lot of stammering or repetition or filler words or generally having difficulty in communicating, and they may disengage abruptly.
30-40% of adults have a condition that might cause them difficulty to holding conversations in the same manner as those who are neurotypical.
We don't want to be rude or difficult, but our brains just don't work in the ways social interactions often demand of us.
Wooooooooooow...this is a nigh-literal pipe dream for my parents. You have to CARE first, before listening can even come into the frame.
Thanks for the advice! I actually have a really difficult conversation tomorrow and have realized that I am already coming up with responses and this helped me take that step back and listen first
My mind is also a wandering mess that's not detail oriented. And I noticed that everything stands and falls with the quality of the relationship. I do not find it hard to fucus on meeting needs, if I genuinely care and am cared for. If however this is a one-sided train (even if they do things but what they do is not what I need or want) and demands are delivered in frustrated, blaming language, then it's as if my success rates plummet to the abyss! I can have notes in the middle of my way and 3 reminders on the phone and my brain will skip past it. And since in any case of good/OK relationship I'm usually "way ahead" in noticing stuff, the difference becomes extra crass. A vicious cycle.
If respectand, honest regard and understanding (that I'm not just lazily dropping things from my brain and literally cannot take them in at times) are not present, it's a fruitless effort to try. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. In a sense, I'm overly honest and am not exactly capable of lying about feeling connected or not feeling connected. It's not such a bad thing to not be able to force my own hand, once I came to accept myself and the positive flip-sides of the coins I was dealt in life! Especially not when ig means that I'm a really really excellent listener picking up on very subtle cues when my care can safely be directed at another person.
It’s like he was listening to our last weekend. Thanks, I needed the primer. I defend and get defensive all the time.
3:24 real people who desire clarity does this. I've learned this from certain individuals
I'm always the listener, but when I need to have someone hear me for a change people pull a "double standard". Who listens for "the listeners".
Same!
A very much needed video, thank you so so much! I know it's difficult to provide, but I just wish there were subtitles in Polish. I know so many people here that could use your help and advice. Much love and greetings from Poland!
One thing this brings up is a line between Marla and the Narrator in Fight Club where they talk about how people only listen enough to wait for their turn to speak.
I wonder if I can try to apply these points about listening in my relationship with my father.
My Dad is unable to grasp any listening skills - he refuses to admit he is deaf. His response is usually dismissive "passing the buck" comments which always leads to arguments. He doesn't turn away from the computer, or mute the TV, so his attention is not fully there, acts frustrated that I would dare talk to him, and this has been our entire relationship. Why do I care so much?
For example; many years before lockdown when I moved back to Scotland, he was coming to visit me and was excited as I hadn't seen him in a few months. I was messaging him to make sure he was doing ok travelling so long, genuinely worried about him, and he responded with annoyance as I had interrupted his reading. Instantly that shut down my excitement.
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you for the video!
Random request: Therapy/Psychological advice for eating healthier and exercising.
I love the little lamb analogy. Thanks for the vid!
Always learning something from you. Thanks for everything you do. 🌺
Wow, that last point was powerful
FANTASTIC!!! Thank you so much! I cannot believe that this golden information is free!
I am so very grateful for this, and, you. Thank you
Thank you. Really great tips.
Thank you for edifying video that you share. Very much appreciated.
This is worth coming back to.
My brain wonders off _all the time_ and I really hate it. I do try to shepherd it back but often I'm now just thinking about listening and not actually listening.
I wonder if you've tried looking into meditation - that can help train the brain to get better at focusing. Also maybe looking into if you have ADD/ADHD - and some tactics for dealing with that. Either way, just practicing the stuff this video covers is bound to help anyone I would think - hopefully anyway! 🙂
No questions, just want to say thank you 😊 So, yeah... thank you 😁
Just found your channel today and honestly had more of a negative first impression haha (your love is blind reaction video). I'm really enjoying this video though. Lots of valuable tips and advice here and practical ways to be better for my spouse.
Wish I could give this more than one like! Need to figure out how to reach out to you…I swear I’ve heard it a dozen times so just gotta find it
I should put these example questions and comments on a soundboard, or an old-fashioned magnet tape, so I can play them back in response whenever someone's talking at me. That will definitely help my conversations in future. And it'll make talking less tiring for introvert me!
"Joke" aside this was a nice video. My hypervigilant fawny trauma side does this attentiveness automatically, but my autism spectrum side tends to withdraw from listening and memorizing if there's too much distraction or stress. Also I have big trouble in always assuming that everyone else notices the non-verbal or the implicit as much as I do.
Maybe talk about how to know that it’s a good time to switch between listener mode and sharing my own thoughts mode.
Also how to be a good listener to my husband while our kids are demanding attention and food. 😜
my favorite demonstration of bad communication as over-anticipation and assumption:
me texting: "i locked the front door"
hubby reads message leaves the car to go lock the door while i'm exiting the garage, and wakes up all the doggos, so he unlocks the door and goes inside...
hubby: "i thought you needed me to lock the door"
me: "english"
I'm going to have a much-needed conversation today in the park with a friend that, for the past 2 weeks, I've had a but of falling out with/the friendship has become a bit estranged.
I'm going to do my very best to put this advice to practice, to follow through. Maybe she and I will continue to be friends, maybe we won't, but I will do my best to listen to her side of the story and use those verbal cues you talked about John.
Wish me the best please.
It was a hard conversation but it doesn't feel like our friendship is over, thanks again John for the listening tips (specifically "put phone away" and explicitly saying "so if I understand correctly...", they really helped me out :D)
I love your video... when I disagree with someone I try to validate their point of view and them as person, while explaining my point of view.
Anyway I also love your shirt ...can you say where you got it from🤪?in case it's an international brand, because I'm not from US ..
How can I be more loving, kind and patient to my partner when you’re in it for the long haul? I feel like I’m taking my partner for granted
Please react to crazy ex-girlfriend, it's a show about mental illness and the point of view of that person.
It's a comedy and musical, Rachel bloom is the protagonist, co-creator, writer, and songwriter of this show.
She's amazing and the show is amazing! ❤
omg yes! I absolutely love this show so much
@@Miss_Lexisaurus yeh that's one of my favorites shows ❤
Me was in relationship like a marriage and it is nothing what human needs in life.
Ist fear to Face life.
Not even more.
All things you can do better
Without marriage
Its a expiriance mostly woman have a plus by money and fear never gettin rich let them stay at their man.
Why nobody wanna See that why all wanna find something positiv in parship?
Me is watchin around but me never have saw a real happy perfekt relationship were not one Part was playin to people " iam happy " but ok
If couple feelin better
Me Single livin say for your parship livin
Iam sad- you feel Better than?
Than me say it for you that you can live the blamin " iam in parship, iam more happy than a Single and me wanna Show to the Single livin, that me is more happy!
Ok.
❤️
Hahaha, every time I talked about "communication" in marriage counseling, I meant "get my narcissistic POS spouse to listen to me".
Awe lol you a mess but a good mess