My parents were the epitome of “can’t live with each other and can’t live without each other.” Looking back, they had a very toxic relationship. Every conversation between them ended in an argument. They separated for a few years when I was young but got back together and the arguing ramped back up again. After my dad passed I asked my mom why her and dad didn’t divorce because they were clearly miserable. She said she “stayed for kids” and I told her they should have divorced years ago and she was flabbergasted.
Is your mom a forgiving person or does she hang on to grudges? Would they really get along better even if they divorced? I know a couple who continues to argue even though they have been divorced for many years.
@@judyheller8814 She is very much the type to hold grudges. When they were separated they at least kept things amicable when they were with us. So at least in that regard the fighting was essentially nonexistent in front of us.
Forgive them, they lived in times where divorced considered a sin, people were judged and shamed. Sadly the stigma and shame around divorce is still alive and well, maybe not to the same extreme extent but it’s still happens.
@@vkrgfan I totally understand the older generation stigma of divorce, however her marriage to my dad was her third marriage (his third marriage as well) so she wasn’t new to divorce.
My parents tried to stay together for ten years, with frequent nights of drunkenness and abuse going on every week. As a kid that lived it - NEVER stay together for the sake of the kids. Kids know. Kids remember. They’re smarter than you think. Things were so much better when my parents finally split up.
I relate so much. Even asked my mom for them to get a divorce when I was 12. Just couldn't cope with their vocal fights anymore. Unfortunately they didn't get one until 2 years later... But Thank God for my brother, he was my rock for so long.
My parents never split permanently and my dad eventually OD'd. I'm 34 now and I'm suffering from a slew of chronic physical and mental issues from all the trauma. Do not stay together for the kids (if it's a toxic situation).
My parents got a divorce when I was 10. I know they both agonized over whether it was the right decision for us kids, especially my mom. She tried so hard to make it work for us, but I remember coming home one day and seeing my dad’s stuff cleared out of the bedroom closet and I knew something was up. My mom took me and my siblings to our local church where we met with her, my dad, and a church leader to mediate as my parents told us they were getting a divorce. I remember I was initially in shock throughout the meeting. My dad was in tears and I had never seen him cry before. But once we got home, I felt a sense of relief. No more fighting, no more violence, tension, screaming, throwing things. No more silently crying myself to sleep when their arguments kept me up at night and worrying about if I would be separated from my parents. I was so at peace with the whole thing and I am so glad they didn’t try to stay together when it wasn’t healthy for anyone.
If it were that easy for most of us who got married in the church to faithful Holy Ghost filled people when you Met. 19 years married and can’t wait to get out.
My parents "stayed for me", but I found out when I was in my late teens. It was ok, actually, because after learning my mother was pregnant they changed the parameters of their relationship, so there was no tension between them. They made a good team and loved me a lot, both of them. Only once did I witness a scene of abuse (my father had come home drunk from a party and became violent, but couldn't remember it the following day - note: he was by no means an alcoholic, it was an atypical incident and he never did that again). The atmosphere in my home, as I was growing up, was of warmth and harmony. They didn't share a bedroom, but back then I had no idea they should have. No one could tell they'd been on the point of getting separated or even a divorce when my mother found out she was pregnant, after 13 years of marriage.
My kids thrived more after the divorce, but now I feel like we me and my kids) are stuck in a rut. I'm doing my best to emotionally mentally heal. And helping my kids emotionally and mentally heal. But every other week they go to their fathers and every week they come back, I feel like I'm starting over. They come back tense and ready for a fight. It takes them a day or 2 to unwind and feel comfortable and safe again. I noticed my older one gets tense before she has to go back. Even though I have divorced the narcissist, he still interferes in every way with my parenting and fights co-parenting. I do my best to keep the topic on the kids, but he always makes it a bigger deal. I tell him this is about the kids and then claims I'm using them against him and makes a big deal about it. Its like he refuses to focus on the kids no matter how much I try to keep it on topic! I divorced him and I can't get away from him. And my kids and I are still stuck with dealing with this jerk. I don't know what to do. Divorce was good, but in my state, its 50/50 shared custody unless proof of something really bad happens to the kids. I can't get away from him! I feel trapped.
I was in a toxic marriage for 18 years. The kids were 11, 14 and 17 when we split up, and all 3 agreed it was a good idea to end it. I'm still working through the guilt of who I picked to make kids with... Almost 8 years later, I'm still single. And now I have an "approval team" consisting of 2 of my closest friends and my firstborn. They alone have veto power if I date someone who is obviously wrong for me but I somehow don't see it (again.)
why in the name of god did you have 3 children in a "toxic" marriage. I could understand this in the generation of my grandparents and to some degree parents but i fail to understand how any decent human can proceed to have children with someone they are unable to get along with. I am so disgusted with the number of people on these videos who call therapists such as Dr. Phil, Delony and others almost none childless or one. Sorry if this hurts your feelings but I literally cannot understand this. birth control has been around since the mid 60s and believe physicians in cities were prescribing them like they were candy. Just what I would do fight like an animal with some horrid spouse and have a baby
I was always taught to never compare my life and relationships to others or even to my parents....my mom said that I am living my own life, and in the end the decision is mine as to what MY boundaries are and where I draw my line. So in the end it just comes down to what works for each individual couple. Communication of your needs/wants is CRUCIAL, regardless of how hard it is to talk about it.
My dad also changed right after they got married. He told my brothers his step children, I rule everything now I'm the man of the house. He didn't work and only caused problems after they got married. He thought my mom wouldn't kick him out. She did and I can't thank her enough for it. She taught me I didn't need relationships to feel full.
This is actually an advice that my mother had when my dad was caught cheating. I have said to her later on that them staying together for so long after was massive mistake. My dad never saw anything bad about it and instead publicly put the blame on my mom for not giving him enough attention. They loathed each other, screamed and fought on anywhere and anytime. They didn't think that there were 4 small kids in the house who could hear everything and be scared entering a room in the case mommy and daddy were one step away from a fight. We just sat there in one of the bedrooms and just waited them to stop so we could get a move on our day and get parents to sort out dinner. The fights sometimes continued for entire day and my older siblings created a habit to never stay home and I started quietly, and in secret, prepare easy meals so me and my younger brother could eat. We heard all sorts of ugly secrets and details about our parents that should have never been told to kids and sometimes we were used as an ammunition for an argument. My mom requested divorce instantly when the youngest of us turned 18. We had begged a divorce for years by this point.
I have a friend whose parents fought so much that his reaction whenever any couple has a fight is that they should divorce. Like he thinks everyone should be single and nobody should even TRY because all relationships are just going to fail. It’s hard to argue with that, honestly.
I grew up in a household that felt like noise & eggshells most of the time. It made me want to move out as soon as possible. Some people think I’m crazy for saying I don’t think some people should stay together for the kids. If it’s toxic for you, it’s toxic for them. If it’s toxic, it’s worth letting go. Home should be a safe place, not a war zone.
My husbands parents stayed together 'for the kids' and they ended up modelling a toxic relationship and now more than half their children have gone on to have toxic marriages 😫
My husband and I stayed together, partially for the kids. We also went to therapy, we are not screaming all the time, and we relearned how to communicate. We are much happier now. That having been said it could have gone the other way, and it only worked because we agreed to commit to the marriage and the therapy process. If he hadn't been willing or I hadn't been willing then yes, divorce would be better.
My parents split when I was 3. it was much easier for me to adjust, than my cousin who was in her teens. I also don't know anything else so that helps alot to.
😂😂😂😂 what agreat advice lol kidding but for real sole.of the they just wait for u to say something when u need them to.guide u according of the situation honestly and take the best decision but some terapys they need to do their part. 100%
My mom stayed with my dad becuase my dad was abusive and she couldn't afford to live on her own with two kids. My mom also had a lot of mental health issues and there was always the risk that the courts would have awarded custody to my dad even though he was abusive. It would have been bad either way. I'm not sure if there was a right answer but as a kid I sometimes wished I could just be raised by my aunt and uncle .
Not that my parents ever went to counseling, but I know they believed they had to stay together, period. And my dad in particular believed he was “doing it for the kids.” And the reason I know that is when he decided I was old enough, he took me out to lunch and told me about how he had wanted to leave mom so many times but he stayed because of us. And I didn’t have it in me back then (or really at all until after mom died) to say “you weren’t doing your daughters any favors.” Ya think I had any self esteem or any idea what a healthy relationship looked like?
Many people say, "Don't let your kids see you scared or that will scare them. You are their security. The "flight attendant" and if they see you scared they'll freak out too." I think this is harmful because kids need to know that it's ok to be scared and how to cope. If they think mom/dad never get scared and "i" do what is wrong with me? that causes the pattern to continue. I can speak from experience. My mom's philosophy was to never share when she was scared and withhold info that was scary. And I became dependent on my mom's steadfast courage...it made me feel weak when I myself got scared as an adult. ONly to find out that my mom was scared plenty she just didn't tell me. And Now....I find myself covering up my anxiety symptoms with my kids for the same reason. I don't want to scare them. I'm not sure how to break the cycle. They say not to treat your kids like a therapist and tell them your problems. But it's also helpful to show your kids you're human. And humans get scared and have anxiety and freak out. ANd here's how to deal with that when that happens. I see in my kids them pretending to be brave so they don't make me afraid for them...and I'm so nervous that I've passed on this mentality that i got from my mom. What is a good way to show your kids your anxiety without over burdening them? What is age appropriate? And what if telling them how scared I am, I won't be able to rein in my emotions and I burst into tears in front of them? I worry I'll mess that up.
First of all you are an amazing and courageous mother for wanting to break unhealthy cycles! This is the first step, becoming self aware and seeing old patterns of behaviour passed down. I would say get some therapy to work through what's happened with your mum. Go on your own journey of self discovery and your own way of expressing you emotions. Be comfortable with one day falling apart and some days being more stoic. Everything is a learning and self discovery. I feel like the more natural you are in your own skin and you ability to keep learning right infront of them is what's beautiful about parenting.
"You can't change others" Because of this I endure abuse, neglect, etc. :'( I hate my parents' marriage. But I can't tell them to go to couples therapy. Because everyone including therapists say "You can't change others" 😣😖 This weight is too heavy for me 😰😭
I’m so sorry. Can you talk to a counselor? You sound young - maybe someone at your school. Tell them you are in an unhealthy situation at Home and need help immediately
I think people should think hard before having kids together. And if they do divorce they should think before bringing in a new partner and treating them like they don’t matter. Divorce often hurts everyone in some way along the way.
I wish my parents divorced. To have a second or third chance of having a happy family would mean everything for me, as it is now, they're both abusive because of each other and we're in the cross fire so I had to cut all contact
My mother thaught that, but for different reasons (I guess). She claimed to be afraid that my father would manipulate us later, turning "bend" reality to show himselff in a better light and blame our mother for the bad things. She always said she wanted to wait for us to be old enough to "see" the truth and be able to assess the situation ourselves. Truth is, they were both toxic, my mother has BPD and she is absolutely one to manipulate and bend facts in doing so. So do EXACTLY what she "predicted" he would do. Maybe that's just why she even came up with that idea in the first place, projecting her strategy into him. AND she was not all wrong either. Because my father really does blame my mother for everything (including my many and severe menatl health issues. I'm warped....). Needless to say she blames him. In the end I am very confused and unsure, also getting information now that was kept from me as a teen, different versions of events from both sides (mum an dad) that just make me wonder what to think or believe. One of the big issues, for example: after my mother left with us kids in one single afternoon without my father knowing, he reacted with big anger at first. He did not know our location. It was a big mess, and at court it was decided that my mother would have the full responsability for me (15 years y.o.) and my sister (16 y.o). Meaning no contact at all. I was never at court (mum's "claim?: to spare me the trauma) My mother told us that our father did not want to see us. Only way later (8 years or so. On my own initiative) did I approach my father again, and new contact slowly began. (My sister followed soon). AT some point I learned his version, that my mother told that we kids did not want to have contact with him, and he accepted that and left us be. So now I'm confused, because only one version can be true, and I don't know which one, but at the same time none is all improbable. So although my mother waited with leaving my father, there's still so much confusion. Both parents have toxic sides, and my teenage years with my mentally ill mother and very dominant sister still scarred me badly. So I can't know if things had been better, same or worse if my parents had separated earlier. I can just say waiting did not spare me from the trauma I experienced. All in all, I'd still say it might be better to separate, but handle the both parents relations with the kids better (unless there has been abuse from one. I guess for me some of that came from both sides...). Most likely there is no right or wrong answer to that question, because everey family is different, so one has to see it case per case. Sorry for the long answer, but I wanted to share my own experience on the subject.
I have two kids one disabled and one stereotypical. Sometimes I really hate my husband but we work great as a unit with our disabled child. I just don't know if I'm in a burn out funk out just done with it all
I see this happening specially when there is an active affaire lover introduced during many years in the marriage and the other partner tries to divorce from the physicality of the marriage and it works only if it doesn't burst out in anger episodes.
I feel like one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to model healthy relationships with ourselves and others. Another gift we can give our children is how to evaluate a "problem" (in quotes to indicate it may be a neutral issue without negative connotation) and come to a decision we feel is right, and then follow through even if it's hard.
IMO, if one parent is packing their bags and the other parent rounds the kids up in front to remind them they’re gonna be left behind, it’s probably best for the kids to pack up, too, and leave the latter parent behind instead.
Your one of the few who have mentioned that if a couple has a toxic/negative/distance relationship and there's children in the middle, it's better for them to separate.
@@plantyfan It is sad, but, sometimes it may be better and/or safer for them. We don't live in a perfect world to have parents who love each other and have a great relationship.
@@victoriafrost5461 I agree 100% -- I meant that it's sad that it's a rare message. It should be more prevalent. I feel like that's a remnant of the toxic idea that divorce is a no-no in the vein of, "what will the neighbors think?" It's not about the neighbors and they don't matter to that decision.
As a single, 37 yr old, never-married person, soooo many people have admitted to me they are staying together for this reason, and every single one of them was in an abusive, toxic, or otherwise horrific marriage.
@@swatisaini6447 Happy healthy single is INFINITELY better than a bad or dysfunctional relationship! Look for the core values and life direction, then don't settle!
My parents got divorced when I was still too little to remember them together. My 7 years older brother remembers there were no real fights between them. It just sort of fell apart. They've always remained friends and enjoyed talking on the phone from time to time. All my life, especially into late teens and adulthood I've always kept in mind that my parents initially loved each other and something just stopped working, so I've always tried so hard to do all best in my relationships to "make it work - this time". As if I was desperate to fix my mum's mistakes. (She was the one who wanted divorce.) I am now 40, in a happy relationship with two kids, 12 and 8.
Child of an unhappy marriage says: my relationship to my parents got so much better when they FINALY seperated. There was no violence in our family, no lies, not even much yelling ... they were just dreadfuly unhappy. That was bad enough. If your children are old enough to understand what "I´ll see you this weekend" means, don´t stay miserable "for them". They will NOT thank you.
My parents are currently divorcing. They weren’t constantly fighting, but for years we lived in a subconscious atmosphere of passive aggressiveness. We’d all have been happier if they separated beforehand.
My parents stayed together but wouldn’t have a conversation about it so took it out on me. I was the scapegoat for their marriage. They are still together and it pains me to see my mum be such a bully to dad and him be so trapped. I’m doing my work but it’s so hard to watch. My view is that it is better for kids to learn how to make healthy boundaries than it is for them to be raised to be on a battlefield.
I could've stayed in my mariage, even with the romantic love gone, if the relationship was healthy. I could've teamed up with my "friend". But since the relationship was not respectfull, it was abusive, I chose to leave. I am so much happier! I am a better mother to my children. I but put off the decision for so long because of the fear of harming my kids... And it did harm them. It did cause a fracture in their lifes and even if I know I did the right thing, the guilt is still there.
What about when one's fully committed in the relationship, but the other is only so-so, or "when they feel like it"? To sum up: my mom takes on responsibilities wherever she is, and my step dad takes on what he wants to take on, and avoids what he doesn't want to take responsibility. Which usually ends with either shifting the blame, or full on avoids and pretends it never happened. My mom has shared with me that it takes a big toll on her and that if nothing changes. She'll divorce him when all the kids are out of the house. What would your advice be for that?
I think something that finally helped my parents separate was from the insistence from my brother and I that it would be better for our younger sister (10 years younger) if she did not have to grow up in the same environment we did. As an adult, when I speak to couples that are in similar situations, I try and take the time to describe how that environment was like for me as a child and the negative impacts it has on me now.
I'm currently a teenager, and my parents are divorced. I live with my mom. Used to live part-time with each, but then my father moved away. Here's the thing. My parents got divorced when I was two years old. I don't remember them living together. For as long as I can remember, they've lived apart. And for all the craziness of a childhood I had: my parents going to court for custody, living in two separate homes, not feeling comfortable around my father, my parents own issues, etc. I am so happy I didn't grow up with them screaming, fighting, my father controlling my mom, etc. And of all the not-so-great relationship's I see from my mom's friends and my friends' parents, I think I got kind of lucky. Not because my parents' relationship is good, but because my mom set a good example. You can walk away, and be strong and independent if you don't feel things are working as they should.
This advice is so pervasive that even though I grew up in a family where my parents divorced when I was very young, and I was glad they did, and I was very aware that it was the best thing in some situations, like my parent's. And yet, in my own marriage, it took me hearing it from someone else before I could give myself permission to find a way out.
My father was an abuser that abused my mom heavily. She was convinced that she had to "do it for the kids" this included sex. She hated ever having sex with him but he would tell her "if you don't I'll do (insert abusive action here) to the kids." That's not sex that's r***. Instead of divorcing she submitted. I don't blame her, she was a victim in all this but if she would have just had someone let her know it's ok to leave and the kids will be much happier it could have saved us so many years of trauma. Eventually when all but one of us kids were adults and I was there to explain all this and how much better life could be for her and us we as a family kicked him out. It took a lot and she let him come back far too many times but now that they are fully separated we are all much happier.
Wow! My parents, (especially my Dad) stayed together for the kids the whole time I was growing up. When I was small, the house was a verbal warfare. When I had turned 20, (I was the oldest of two until that point) my parents had another boy and then staying together for the kids became finding a way to make it work. they never went to therapy, but they found a way to make it work and at the end they were happily married and I could see the love between them.
What actually happened is that they got so old that they did not really have any energy left to go out and live their life. They were on grandparents mode waiting room. I am sure.
@@milxasap7412 thanks for your input, however my brief posting did not contain the whole story, but a simplified synopsis of one layer. I can assure you that as they got older certain circumstances changed and they were active and traveled and enjoyed life up until they loss their health
As my parents separated for unforeseeable situations during my early teens ,my parents now at their late 50s ,still spend their time pinning their neglect of me on each other , and for the ones that clearly knew that their parents needed to call it quits and didn’t because they made you an excuse I feel you. as a child-free adult I will Never put mine in the same place I was in , its terrible for some .
i wish my parents split up when i was a child. it was horrible but they stayed together because of my siblings and me, which is nuts. everyone was miserable all the time and i didn't want to go home most days as a kid. and now i don't have a very close relationship with my parents or my older sister, 'cause i don't want to have that negativity and drama in my life.
Most of the time Men make this.concious choice to stay for their children. Yes its extremely Hard. But We Men know that we are desperatly trying to create a stable safe homelife with both blooded bodyguards being there for their Child. Super important.... Great video.
I grew up with toxic parents. The arguments would get so bad that I would hide under tables and in closets. It doesn't matter how well you treat your kids if you can't treat your spouse with the same love and respect. They're still married and get along better now, but it doesn't fix the damage
DON'T!!! Me and a friend of mine experienced the same thing. Two parents that are more like roommates or siblings, than partners. Remained together for the sake of having a "complete family." Now, my parents split first, and my world shattered. They told me they had kept up the appearance for us kids. This sent me into a spiral of doubt, depression, and just a lot of frustration. Was this what love was supposed to be like? Did love even exist? Like it was world view shattering for me, and when the same happened to my friend, it was for her too. I still struggle with knowing what I want from a relationship, and I cringe at every sign of affection. It has made me kind of cold. It has gotten better but DON'T!!!!!
I begged my dad to divorce my mom because it was such a toxic, abusive situation. I understand why he didn't now and i don't know what the correct answer was. But i do know that having a peaceful environment would have been a huge benefit to my mental health
I know a few married couples my age (25-35) that “Stay for the kids” but experience routine disrespect. Cheating is one. Manipulation & jealousy, the cheating spouse projecting that the one that isn’t, is cheating. Another that changes their mind. “Let’s be together. Nvm, let’s see other people. Oh those people sucked let’s get together again. Wait, I found another one. Bye!” It makes me furious on behalf of the innocent spouses. It makes me confused too. Why would you tolerate being treated like that? How is that good for the kids? The kids aren’t dumb, they know things are bad.
I have a distinct memory of asking my mo many they dont get divorced at the age of 10. She said that if they did get divorced, she wouldn't be able to afford raising me on her own. My dad yelled often, demeaned both of us, and other stuff that I'm still working through. "Stay together for the kids" doesn't work when staying together means you both are miserable, and emulate that to your kid. I have no desire to get married because this was how marriage was portrayed to me.
There's growing pains through life and that includes marriage. How committed are you and why did you marry the person in the first place? Are you truly giving your best? Often the focus is on what the partner is or isn't doing instead of seeing ourselves and what we're bringing to the marriage. It takes effort and there's a difference with selfishness and self care. My parents had a horrible marriage and argued and were mean to each other and they stayed together not for the children because we were for divorce thinking the fighting would stop. But even now well into my adulthood and with all I have learned through my education and introspection, I believe it would've been absolutely worse if they divorced. We children would've been caught in the middle and used to hurt and manipulate the other parent. I'd gladly be thankful for the enjoyable moments I got because my parents did stay together. Maybe the way they coped wasn't the best but they got along enough that I have plenty of good times to reflect on. Had they got divorced it would've been more detrimental to my well being and more miserable. If divorced parents could actually be responsible and work together for the best interest of their children then maybe divorce wouldn't be so bad but the fact is majority divorces the kids are stuck in the middle and even parents try to get kids on their side and it's ugly. I think the very fact that they couldn't cooperate to make their marriage work shows lack in ability to successfully co-parent. Especially when they're playing the blame game or victim. Definitely a hard question to answer and I think you did well in the fact it depends on various factors. I have yet to see a divorce that was easy on all those involved, so definitely I do not see it as a fix for the problems just may change what the problems the family faces.
I'm very grateful my parents got divorced and then there was a second divorce and a breakup. Honestly, when ppl are not OK with themselves and have a kid, then that is difficult enough. When you then have two people who are not OK, then that's a hella lot of more work for a kid to live through. In some cases, even being without parents can be better, though hopefully there would then at least be a decent (or even awesome) caretaker. It's not pretty and there's a lot of isues that can arise from such instability in childhood. But I still stand by saying that a neutral environment is always preferable over a toxic one. If you live in conditions where it's "stable enough", then positive external output can make up for a lot. Totally different story when the home environment is physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually damaging. That just shrinks the chances to have positive input and for that to stick, when external influence is always bound to be rather mixed!! It really takes a village to raise a person.
my parents said they were staying together "for the kids", even when I told them that I wasn't happy with them constantly arguing and thought it would be better if they split, but they kinda ignored me, telling me how much worse it would be if they did get a divorce (which could be true), but it made me really angry because it felt like they were now pinning it on me and my siblings. overall, from a child in that situation, I feel that staying in a toxic relationship for "the kids" doesn't actually do us any favors
Love the wisdom, maturity, and understanding ofthis advice - that divorces are as personally unique as the individuals and their marriage. That there isn't a 1 size fits all for every family, but this video comes across as so compassionate and caring. Thank you!
Hi sr, Hi sr, I need your help. I don't like my wife. I don't want to live with her for a moment and I have been thinking about divorce for a long time. She said that she is pregnant and the Child will be an orphan. I just want my wife out of my life. The only thing holding me back is guilt. What should I do?
Idk I think coparenting is a nightmare and a constant reminder that you are such a failure in life that you can’t even stay in a relationship to raise children together. As a coparented child I’ve watched both of my parents live a life alone and depressed. I actually wished they stayed together and found a way to fix it.
My parents' relationship was toxic (shotgun wedding - the definition of being together for the kids). They got better when the kids all moved out of the house. Even grew to love each other. Great for them, but of course I learned that it was us kids that were responsible for their misery and abuse. :/ I wish it was more possible for kids to divorce parents.
Staying together for the kids is a commendably good option. (Its not for everyone) Now sady this does cause the opposing parents to be more verbally abusive at times. My Father tuffed it out for me. It was hard on him. My mother is socially inept and cant seem to remain peaceful. But My father knew that in the west coast that laws usually favor the women. He didn't want to chance that so he did what he could and when i was 14, he finally found a life line out.
I don’t think that it’s complicated. I think it’s selfish. It becomes so clear, when healthy is consistently unhealthy. It’s about the kids, not ur wife, not ur husband.
I grew up with my grandparents, from the age that you just don't divorce and suffer through and trust me did I suffer from it. Still dealing with the anxiety and fear it instilled in me 30 years later. When they finally did separate, things did get better, unfortunately my grandpa died not long after so I never really got the chance to see it through on both sides. Never had a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like, and I fear I have stumbled into a similar situation. Thanks Jono for always putting out the videos I need the most at just the right time.
I feel differently than you. This is coming from someone who often noticed a lack of love between my own parents...well who was painfully aware of this, especially as I got older and more discerning. There are certainly instances in which this is necessary, for example, physical abuse; obviously, then leave. I have often had a rocky relationship with my partner (but it is getting better recently.) I even seriously considered divorce, even going as far as speaking to a lawyer about options. We had issues of addiction in our marriage. Now, though, things are getting better; we are rekindling our love and working through unresolved issues, practicing forgiveness. My partner was raised in a single parent home and even with my parents dysfunction, there was still an amount of stability to my childhood that he simply did not perceive in his single parent home. We have discussed this in depth and truly believe that this is important to give to your children. The truth is, even with co-parenting, the kids are going to be traveling from two different homes, living with the absence of one parent for the majority of the time. And stats show that most couples who consider divorce are happy just 5 years later. So, I'd say tread VERY carefully.
I would advise anyone without kids that’s in unhappy relationships to get out fasts no changes. It’s going on 19 years and I can’t wait to get out: I’m 39 years old now with a 9 year old son. I am counting my days. No one should live in toxic environments
Is there a study comparing the effects on the children of having Divorced Parents vs Parents always fighting? Sadly, in our country there's no divorce yet, and annulment is very expensive & complicated. That's why many resort to just verbal/informal written agreement when separating, which causes problems later on. I mean technically they're still married, so parents should still give support, and either one couldn't reMarry/have relationship with other people.
Terrible advice from therapist-- Therapist: I think you think that the most important thing in your life is to be a good mother. (Me edge of my seat, am I about to receive some amazing advice) Therapist: the most important thing in your life is to be a good wife. (I am there for domestic violence therapy during my divorce)
Parents are rolemodels for their children. Growing up we observe everything our parents do; what is it like to be an adult? to handle life? to work, care for a home? to parent? to love? We model relationships, we place the bar for their expectations. My choice to get divorced was in the end because of my child. I thought to myself "is this what I want him to grow up thinking love is?". I did not want him to see his parents out of sync and unhappy - because children see it, they observe every little bit of the loneliness, sadness etc. no matter how many brave faces we put up. I wanted to give him the chance to see that love can be different things. My husband wasn't some bad or mean person, but we met too young and we were too different. His idea of who I was was a fantasy, in order to adapt to him I became clingy and independent. Living a lie is not good for either parents or children. Now instead, our child got to see us both learn to be independent and find other partners as more mature individuals. It was a struggle, and he saw the struggle, but we made it, honest and free. Hopefully some of those lessons are with him in his choice of life partner.
My parents were the epitome of “can’t live with each other and can’t live without each other.” Looking back, they had a very toxic relationship. Every conversation between them ended in an argument. They separated for a few years when I was young but got back together and the arguing ramped back up again. After my dad passed I asked my mom why her and dad didn’t divorce because they were clearly miserable. She said she “stayed for kids” and I told her they should have divorced years ago and she was flabbergasted.
Is your mom a forgiving person or does she hang on to grudges? Would they really get along better even if they divorced?
I know a couple who continues to argue even though they have been divorced for many years.
@@judyheller8814 She is very much the type to hold grudges. When they were separated they at least kept things amicable when they were with us. So at least in that regard the fighting was essentially nonexistent in front of us.
Forgive them, they lived in times where divorced considered a sin, people were judged and shamed.
Sadly the stigma and shame around divorce is still alive and well, maybe not to the same extreme extent but it’s still happens.
@@vkrgfan I totally understand the older generation stigma of divorce, however her marriage to my dad was her third marriage (his third marriage as well) so she wasn’t new to divorce.
Staying for the Kids is The Most Responsible and Commendable thing to do.
My parents tried to stay together for ten years, with frequent nights of drunkenness and abuse going on every week.
As a kid that lived it - NEVER stay together for the sake of the kids. Kids know. Kids remember. They’re smarter than you think. Things were so much better when my parents finally split up.
I relate so much. Even asked my mom for them to get a divorce when I was 12. Just couldn't cope with their vocal fights anymore. Unfortunately they didn't get one until 2 years later... But Thank God for my brother, he was my rock for so long.
My parents never split permanently and my dad eventually OD'd. I'm 34 now and I'm suffering from a slew of chronic physical and mental issues from all the trauma. Do not stay together for the kids (if it's a toxic situation).
My parents got a divorce when I was 10. I know they both agonized over whether it was the right decision for us kids, especially my mom. She tried so hard to make it work for us, but I remember coming home one day and seeing my dad’s stuff cleared out of the bedroom closet and I knew something was up. My mom took me and my siblings to our local church where we met with her, my dad, and a church leader to mediate as my parents told us they were getting a divorce. I remember I was initially in shock throughout the meeting. My dad was in tears and I had never seen him cry before. But once we got home, I felt a sense of relief. No more fighting, no more violence, tension, screaming, throwing things. No more silently crying myself to sleep when their arguments kept me up at night and worrying about if I would be separated from my parents. I was so at peace with the whole thing and I am so glad they didn’t try to stay together when it wasn’t healthy for anyone.
If it were that easy for most of us who got married in the church to faithful Holy Ghost filled people when you Met. 19 years married and can’t wait to get out.
My parents "stayed for me", but I found out when I was in my late teens. It was ok, actually, because after learning my mother was pregnant they changed the parameters of their relationship, so there was no tension between them. They made a good team and loved me a lot, both of them. Only once did I witness a scene of abuse (my father had come home drunk from a party and became violent, but couldn't remember it the following day - note: he was by no means an alcoholic, it was an atypical incident and he never did that again). The atmosphere in my home, as I was growing up, was of warmth and harmony. They didn't share a bedroom, but back then I had no idea they should have. No one could tell they'd been on the point of getting separated or even a divorce when my mother found out she was pregnant, after 13 years of marriage.
thank you for validating my struggles internet dad
My kids thrived more after the divorce, but now I feel like we me and my kids) are stuck in a rut. I'm doing my best to emotionally mentally heal. And helping my kids emotionally and mentally heal. But every other week they go to their fathers and every week they come back, I feel like I'm starting over. They come back tense and ready for a fight. It takes them a day or 2 to unwind and feel comfortable and safe again. I noticed my older one gets tense before she has to go back.
Even though I have divorced the narcissist, he still interferes in every way with my parenting and fights co-parenting. I do my best to keep the topic on the kids, but he always makes it a bigger deal. I tell him this is about the kids and then claims I'm using them against him and makes a big deal about it. Its like he refuses to focus on the kids no matter how much I try to keep it on topic!
I divorced him and I can't get away from him. And my kids and I are still stuck with dealing with this jerk. I don't know what to do. Divorce was good, but in my state, its 50/50 shared custody unless proof of something really bad happens to the kids.
I can't get away from him! I feel trapped.
I’m so sorry. Has anything gotten better? just continue to be kind and loving to your children. Sending you love and strength
I was in a toxic marriage for 18 years. The kids were 11, 14 and 17 when we split up, and all 3 agreed it was a good idea to end it. I'm still working through the guilt of who I picked to make kids with...
Almost 8 years later, I'm still single. And now I have an "approval team" consisting of 2 of my closest friends and my firstborn. They alone have veto power if I date someone who is obviously wrong for me but I somehow don't see it (again.)
why in the name of god did you have 3 children in a "toxic" marriage. I could understand this in the generation of my grandparents and to some degree parents but i fail to understand how any decent human can proceed to have children with someone they are unable to get along with. I am so disgusted with the number of people on these videos who call therapists such as Dr. Phil, Delony and others almost none childless or one. Sorry if this hurts your feelings but I literally cannot understand this. birth control has been around since the mid 60s and believe physicians in cities were prescribing them like they were candy. Just what I would do fight like an animal with some horrid spouse and have a baby
I was always taught to never compare my life and relationships to others or even to my parents....my mom said that I am living my own life, and in the end the decision is mine as to what MY boundaries are and where I draw my line. So in the end it just comes down to what works for each individual couple. Communication of your needs/wants is CRUCIAL, regardless of how hard it is to talk about it.
My dad also changed right after they got married. He told my brothers his step children, I rule everything now I'm the man of the house. He didn't work and only caused problems after they got married. He thought my mom wouldn't kick him out. She did and I can't thank her enough for it. She taught me I didn't need relationships to feel full.
This is actually an advice that my mother had when my dad was caught cheating. I have said to her later on that them staying together for so long after was massive mistake. My dad never saw anything bad about it and instead publicly put the blame on my mom for not giving him enough attention. They loathed each other, screamed and fought on anywhere and anytime. They didn't think that there were 4 small kids in the house who could hear everything and be scared entering a room in the case mommy and daddy were one step away from a fight. We just sat there in one of the bedrooms and just waited them to stop so we could get a move on our day and get parents to sort out dinner. The fights sometimes continued for entire day and my older siblings created a habit to never stay home and I started quietly, and in secret, prepare easy meals so me and my younger brother could eat. We heard all sorts of ugly secrets and details about our parents that should have never been told to kids and sometimes we were used as an ammunition for an argument.
My mom requested divorce instantly when the youngest of us turned 18. We had begged a divorce for years by this point.
I have a friend whose parents fought so much that his reaction whenever any couple has a fight is that they should divorce. Like he thinks everyone should be single and nobody should even TRY because all relationships are just going to fail. It’s hard to argue with that, honestly.
So sorry you guys had to go through that; I know a little of what that's like.
I’m so sorry. You have my deepest sympathies. I feel so sad you and your siblings went thru this. I send you lots of love
I grew up in a household that felt like noise & eggshells most of the time. It made me want to move out as soon as possible. Some people think I’m crazy for saying I don’t think some people should stay together for the kids. If it’s toxic for you, it’s toxic for them. If it’s toxic, it’s worth letting go. Home should be a safe place, not a war zone.
the hell it is. as long as parents can keep their problems away from the kids it is the best option until they are independent.
My husbands parents stayed together 'for the kids' and they ended up modelling a toxic relationship and now more than half their children have gone on to have toxic marriages 😫
My husband and I stayed together, partially for the kids. We also went to therapy, we are not screaming all the time, and we relearned how to communicate. We are much happier now. That having been said it could have gone the other way, and it only worked because we agreed to commit to the marriage and the therapy process. If he hadn't been willing or I hadn't been willing then yes, divorce would be better.
My parents split when I was 3. it was much easier for me to adjust, than my cousin who was in her teens. I also don't know anything else so that helps alot to.
What! Your therapists give advice?! Mine just sits there. Sometimes she asks me ”what do you think?” That’s pretty much it.
Mine does the same thing 😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂 what agreat advice lol kidding but for real sole.of the they just wait for u to say something when u need them to.guide u according of the situation honestly and take the best decision but some terapys they need to do their part. 100%
My mom stayed with my dad becuase my dad was abusive and she couldn't afford to live on her own with two kids. My mom also had a lot of mental health issues and there was always the risk that the courts would have awarded custody to my dad even though he was abusive. It would have been bad either way. I'm not sure if there was a right answer but as a kid I sometimes wished I could just be raised by my aunt and uncle .
Same
Not that my parents ever went to counseling, but I know they believed they had to stay together, period. And my dad in particular believed he was “doing it for the kids.” And the reason I know that is when he decided I was old enough, he took me out to lunch and told me about how he had wanted to leave mom so many times but he stayed because of us. And I didn’t have it in me back then (or really at all until after mom died) to say “you weren’t doing your daughters any favors.” Ya think I had any self esteem or any idea what a healthy relationship looked like?
Many people say, "Don't let your kids see you scared or that will scare them. You are their security. The "flight attendant" and if they see you scared they'll freak out too." I think this is harmful because kids need to know that it's ok to be scared and how to cope. If they think mom/dad never get scared and "i" do what is wrong with me? that causes the pattern to continue. I can speak from experience. My mom's philosophy was to never share when she was scared and withhold info that was scary. And I became dependent on my mom's steadfast courage...it made me feel weak when I myself got scared as an adult. ONly to find out that my mom was scared plenty she just didn't tell me. And Now....I find myself covering up my anxiety symptoms with my kids for the same reason. I don't want to scare them. I'm not sure how to break the cycle. They say not to treat your kids like a therapist and tell them your problems. But it's also helpful to show your kids you're human. And humans get scared and have anxiety and freak out. ANd here's how to deal with that when that happens. I see in my kids them pretending to be brave so they don't make me afraid for them...and I'm so nervous that I've passed on this mentality that i got from my mom. What is a good way to show your kids your anxiety without over burdening them? What is age appropriate? And what if telling them how scared I am, I won't be able to rein in my emotions and I burst into tears in front of them? I worry I'll mess that up.
First of all you are an amazing and courageous mother for wanting to break unhealthy cycles!
This is the first step, becoming self aware and seeing old patterns of behaviour passed down.
I would say get some therapy to work through what's happened with your mum. Go on your own journey of self discovery and your own way of expressing you emotions. Be comfortable with one day falling apart and some days being more stoic. Everything is a learning and self discovery.
I feel like the more natural you are in your own skin and you ability to keep learning right infront of them is what's beautiful about parenting.
"You can't change others" Because of this I endure abuse, neglect, etc. :'( I hate my parents' marriage. But I can't tell them to go to couples therapy. Because everyone including therapists say "You can't change others" 😣😖 This weight is too heavy for me 😰😭
I’m so sorry. Can you talk to a counselor? You sound young - maybe someone at your school. Tell them you are in an unhealthy situation at Home and need help immediately
I think people should think hard before having kids together. And if they do divorce they should think before bringing in a new partner and treating them like they don’t matter. Divorce often hurts everyone in some way along the way.
I wish my parents divorced. To have a second or third chance of having a happy family would mean everything for me, as it is now, they're both abusive because of each other and we're in the cross fire so I had to cut all contact
My mother thaught that, but for different reasons (I guess). She claimed to be afraid that my father would manipulate us later, turning "bend" reality to show himselff in a better light and blame our mother for the bad things. She always said she wanted to wait for us to be old enough to "see" the truth and be able to assess the situation ourselves.
Truth is, they were both toxic, my mother has BPD and she is absolutely one to manipulate and bend facts in doing so. So do EXACTLY what she "predicted" he would do. Maybe that's just why she even came up with that idea in the first place, projecting her strategy into him.
AND she was not all wrong either. Because my father really does blame my mother for everything (including my many and severe menatl health issues. I'm warped....). Needless to say she blames him.
In the end I am very confused and unsure, also getting information now that was kept from me as a teen, different versions of events from both sides (mum an dad) that just make me wonder what to think or believe.
One of the big issues, for example: after my mother left with us kids in one single afternoon without my father knowing, he reacted with big anger at first. He did not know our location. It was a big mess, and at court it was decided that my mother would have the full responsability for me (15 years y.o.) and my sister (16 y.o). Meaning no contact at all. I was never at court (mum's "claim?: to spare me the trauma) My mother told us that our father did not want to see us. Only way later (8 years or so. On my own initiative) did I approach my father again, and new contact slowly began. (My sister followed soon). AT some point I learned his version, that my mother told that we kids did not want to have contact with him, and he accepted that and left us be.
So now I'm confused, because only one version can be true, and I don't know which one, but at the same time none is all improbable.
So although my mother waited with leaving my father, there's still so much confusion.
Both parents have toxic sides, and my teenage years with my mentally ill mother and very dominant sister still scarred me badly.
So I can't know if things had been better, same or worse if my parents had separated earlier. I can just say waiting did not spare me from the trauma I experienced. All in all, I'd still say it might be better to separate, but handle the both parents relations with the kids better (unless there has been abuse from one. I guess for me some of that came from both sides...).
Most likely there is no right or wrong answer to that question, because everey family is different, so one has to see it case per case.
Sorry for the long answer, but I wanted to share my own experience on the subject.
I have two kids one disabled and one stereotypical. Sometimes I really hate my husband but we work great as a unit with our disabled child. I just don't know if I'm in a burn out funk out just done with it all
I see this happening specially when there is an active affaire lover introduced during many years in the marriage and the other partner tries to divorce from the physicality of the marriage and it works only if it doesn't burst out in anger episodes.
I feel like one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to model healthy relationships with ourselves and others. Another gift we can give our children is how to evaluate a "problem" (in quotes to indicate it may be a neutral issue without negative connotation) and come to a decision we feel is right, and then follow through even if it's hard.
This was a great videi
IMO, if one parent is packing their bags and the other parent rounds the kids up in front to remind them they’re gonna be left behind, it’s probably best for the kids to pack up, too, and leave the latter parent behind instead.
Your one of the few who have mentioned that if a couple has a toxic/negative/distance relationship and there's children in the middle, it's better for them to separate.
That's really sad because children pick up on so much more than we realize. We may think we're handling it, but we can't do that 100% of the time.
@@plantyfan It is sad, but, sometimes it may be better and/or safer for them. We don't live in a perfect world to have parents who love each other and have a great relationship.
@@victoriafrost5461 I agree 100% -- I meant that it's sad that it's a rare message. It should be more prevalent. I feel like that's a remnant of the toxic idea that divorce is a no-no in the vein of, "what will the neighbors think?" It's not about the neighbors and they don't matter to that decision.
As a single, 37 yr old, never-married person, soooo many people have admitted to me they are staying together for this reason, and every single one of them was in an abusive, toxic, or otherwise horrific marriage.
Examples like these make us proud of our decision to stay single
@@swatisaini6447 Keep patting your royal highness on your royal backside.
@@swatisaini6447 Happy healthy single is INFINITELY better than a bad or dysfunctional relationship! Look for the core values and life direction, then don't settle!
@@jeffreynewsome9907 💯💯
They probably lacked the maturity to be parents. The kids come first. All of that toxic BS should be set aside for their sake.
My parents got divorced when I was still too little to remember them together. My 7 years older brother remembers there were no real fights between them. It just sort of fell apart. They've always remained friends and enjoyed talking on the phone from time to time. All my life, especially into late teens and adulthood I've always kept in mind that my parents initially loved each other and something just stopped working, so I've always tried so hard to do all best in my relationships to "make it work - this time". As if I was desperate to fix my mum's mistakes. (She was the one who wanted divorce.) I am now 40, in a happy relationship with two kids, 12 and 8.
Child of an unhappy marriage says: my relationship to my parents got so much better when they FINALY seperated. There was no violence in our family, no lies, not even much yelling ... they were just dreadfuly unhappy. That was bad enough.
If your children are old enough to understand what "I´ll see you this weekend" means, don´t stay miserable "for them". They will NOT thank you.
My parents are currently divorcing. They weren’t constantly fighting, but for years we lived in a subconscious atmosphere of passive aggressiveness. We’d all have been happier if they separated beforehand.
My parents stayed together but wouldn’t have a conversation about it so took it out on me. I was the scapegoat for their marriage. They are still together and it pains me to see my mum be such a bully to dad and him be so trapped. I’m doing my work but it’s so hard to watch. My view is that it is better for kids to learn how to make healthy boundaries than it is for them to be raised to be on a battlefield.
I could've stayed in my mariage, even with the romantic love gone, if the relationship was healthy. I could've teamed up with my "friend". But since the relationship was not respectfull, it was abusive, I chose to leave. I am so much happier! I am a better mother to my children. I but put off the decision for so long because of the fear of harming my kids... And it did harm them. It did cause a fracture in their lifes and even if I know I did the right thing, the guilt is still there.
What about when one's fully committed in the relationship, but the other is only so-so, or "when they feel like it"?
To sum up: my mom takes on responsibilities wherever she is, and my step dad takes on what he wants to take on, and avoids what he doesn't want to take responsibility. Which usually ends with either shifting the blame, or full on avoids and pretends it never happened. My mom has shared with me that it takes a big toll on her and that if nothing changes. She'll divorce him when all the kids are out of the house. What would your advice be for that?
I think something that finally helped my parents separate was from the insistence from my brother and I that it would be better for our younger sister (10 years younger) if she did not have to grow up in the same environment we did. As an adult, when I speak to couples that are in similar situations, I try and take the time to describe how that environment was like for me as a child and the negative impacts it has on me now.
I'm currently a teenager, and my parents are divorced. I live with my mom. Used to live part-time with each, but then my father moved away. Here's the thing. My parents got divorced when I was two years old. I don't remember them living together. For as long as I can remember, they've lived apart. And for all the craziness of a childhood I had: my parents going to court for custody, living in two separate homes, not feeling comfortable around my father, my parents own issues, etc. I am so happy I didn't grow up with them screaming, fighting, my father controlling my mom, etc. And of all the not-so-great relationship's I see from my mom's friends and my friends' parents, I think I got kind of lucky. Not because my parents' relationship is good, but because my mom set a good example. You can walk away, and be strong and independent if you don't feel things are working as they should.
Should we stay together for the kids? "I don't know and whatever you decide you will probably regret it" is what I take away from this video.
This advice is so pervasive that even though I grew up in a family where my parents divorced when I was very young, and I was glad they did, and I was very aware that it was the best thing in some situations, like my parent's. And yet, in my own marriage, it took me hearing it from someone else before I could give myself permission to find a way out.
My father was an abuser that abused my mom heavily. She was convinced that she had to "do it for the kids" this included sex. She hated ever having sex with him but he would tell her "if you don't I'll do (insert abusive action here) to the kids." That's not sex that's r***. Instead of divorcing she submitted. I don't blame her, she was a victim in all this but if she would have just had someone let her know it's ok to leave and the kids will be much happier it could have saved us so many years of trauma.
Eventually when all but one of us kids were adults and I was there to explain all this and how much better life could be for her and us we as a family kicked him out. It took a lot and she let him come back far too many times but now that they are fully separated we are all much happier.
Wow! My parents, (especially my Dad) stayed together for the kids the whole time I was growing up. When I was small, the house was a verbal warfare. When I had turned 20, (I was the oldest of two until that point) my parents had another boy and then staying together for the kids became finding a way to make it work. they never went to therapy, but they found a way to make it work and at the end they were happily married and I could see the love between them.
Love that .
What actually happened is that they got so old that they did not really have any energy left to go out and live their life. They were on grandparents mode waiting room. I am sure.
@@milxasap7412 thanks for your input, however my brief posting did not contain the whole story, but a simplified synopsis of one layer. I can assure you that as they got older certain circumstances changed and they were active and traveled and enjoyed life up until they loss their health
As my parents separated for unforeseeable situations during my early teens ,my parents now at their late 50s ,still spend their time pinning their neglect of me on each other , and for the ones that clearly knew that their parents needed to call it quits and didn’t because they made you an excuse I feel you. as a child-free adult I will Never put mine in the same place I was in , its terrible for some .
i wish my parents split up when i was a child. it was horrible but they stayed together because of my siblings and me, which is nuts. everyone was miserable all the time and i didn't want to go home most days as a kid. and now i don't have a very close relationship with my parents or my older sister, 'cause i don't want to have that negativity and drama in my life.
Ugh. I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Hugs!!!
Most of the time Men make this.concious choice to stay for their children. Yes its extremely Hard. But We Men know that we are desperatly trying to create a stable safe homelife with both blooded bodyguards being there for their Child. Super important.... Great video.
I grew up with toxic parents. The arguments would get so bad that I would hide under tables and in closets. It doesn't matter how well you treat your kids if you can't treat your spouse with the same love and respect. They're still married and get along better now, but it doesn't fix the damage
DON'T!!!
Me and a friend of mine experienced the same thing. Two parents that are more like roommates or siblings, than partners. Remained together for the sake of having a "complete family."
Now, my parents split first, and my world shattered. They told me they had kept up the appearance for us kids. This sent me into a spiral of doubt, depression, and just a lot of frustration. Was this what love was supposed to be like? Did love even exist?
Like it was world view shattering for me, and when the same happened to my friend, it was for her too.
I still struggle with knowing what I want from a relationship, and I cringe at every sign of affection. It has made me kind of cold.
It has gotten better but DON'T!!!!!
I begged my dad to divorce my mom because it was such a toxic, abusive situation. I understand why he didn't now and i don't know what the correct answer was. But i do know that having a peaceful environment would have been a huge benefit to my mental health
I know a few married couples my age (25-35) that “Stay for the kids” but experience routine disrespect. Cheating is one. Manipulation & jealousy, the cheating spouse projecting that the one that isn’t, is cheating. Another that changes their mind. “Let’s be together. Nvm, let’s see other people. Oh those people sucked let’s get together again. Wait, I found another one. Bye!” It makes me furious on behalf of the innocent spouses. It makes me confused too. Why would you tolerate being treated like that? How is that good for the kids? The kids aren’t dumb, they know things are bad.
I have a distinct memory of asking my mo many they dont get divorced at the age of 10. She said that if they did get divorced, she wouldn't be able to afford raising me on her own. My dad yelled often, demeaned both of us, and other stuff that I'm still working through. "Stay together for the kids" doesn't work when staying together means you both are miserable, and emulate that to your kid. I have no desire to get married because this was how marriage was portrayed to me.
So sorry
😓so sorry
There's growing pains through life and that includes marriage. How committed are you and why did you marry the person in the first place? Are you truly giving your best? Often the focus is on what the partner is or isn't doing instead of seeing ourselves and what we're bringing to the marriage. It takes effort and there's a difference with selfishness and self care.
My parents had a horrible marriage and argued and were mean to each other and they stayed together not for the children because we were for divorce thinking the fighting would stop. But even now well into my adulthood and with all I have learned through my education and introspection, I believe it would've been absolutely worse if they divorced. We children would've been caught in the middle and used to hurt and manipulate the other parent. I'd gladly be thankful for the enjoyable moments I got because my parents did stay together. Maybe the way they coped wasn't the best but they got along enough that I have plenty of good times to reflect on. Had they got divorced it would've been more detrimental to my well being and more miserable. If divorced parents could actually be responsible and work together for the best interest of their children then maybe divorce wouldn't be so bad but the fact is majority divorces the kids are stuck in the middle and even parents try to get kids on their side and it's ugly. I think the very fact that they couldn't cooperate to make their marriage work shows lack in ability to successfully co-parent. Especially when they're playing the blame game or victim.
Definitely a hard question to answer and I think you did well in the fact it depends on various factors. I have yet to see a divorce that was easy on all those involved, so definitely I do not see it as a fix for the problems just may change what the problems the family faces.
For the women with a man staying for the kids don’t he’s not worth it
Thank you for touching on this topic!
I stayed in an abusive relationship with my child's father for 2 years. It wasn't worth it. The worst experience ever.
I'm very grateful my parents got divorced and then there was a second divorce and a breakup. Honestly, when ppl are not OK with themselves and have a kid, then that is difficult enough. When you then have two people who are not OK, then that's a hella lot of more work for a kid to live through.
In some cases, even being without parents can be better, though hopefully there would then at least be a decent (or even awesome) caretaker. It's not pretty and there's a lot of isues that can arise from such instability in childhood. But I still stand by saying that a neutral environment is always preferable over a toxic one.
If you live in conditions where it's "stable enough", then positive external output can make up for a lot. Totally different story when the home environment is physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually damaging. That just shrinks the chances to have positive input and for that to stick, when external influence is always bound to be rather mixed!!
It really takes a village to raise a person.
my parents said they were staying together "for the kids", even when I told them that I wasn't happy with them constantly arguing and thought it would be better if they split, but they kinda ignored me, telling me how much worse it would be if they did get a divorce (which could be true), but it made me really angry because it felt like they were now pinning it on me and my siblings.
overall, from a child in that situation, I feel that staying in a toxic relationship for "the kids" doesn't actually do us any favors
Love the wisdom, maturity, and understanding ofthis advice - that divorces are as personally unique as the individuals and their marriage. That there isn't a 1 size fits all for every family, but this video comes across as so compassionate and caring. Thank you!
Hi sr, Hi sr, I need your help. I don't like my wife. I don't want to live with her for a moment and I have been thinking about divorce for a long time. She said that she is pregnant and the Child will be an orphan. I just want my wife out of my life. The only thing holding me back is guilt. What should I do?
Fr I totally agreee with you , but in the beginning u was wilding
What is this idea about being friends as ex spouses?
Idk I think coparenting is a nightmare and a constant reminder that you are such a failure in life that you can’t even stay in a relationship to raise children together.
As a coparented child I’ve watched both of my parents live a life alone and depressed. I actually wished they stayed together and found a way to fix it.
My parents' relationship was toxic (shotgun wedding - the definition of being together for the kids). They got better when the kids all moved out of the house. Even grew to love each other. Great for them, but of course I learned that it was us kids that were responsible for their misery and abuse. :/ I wish it was more possible for kids to divorce parents.
Staying together for the kids is a commendably good option. (Its not for everyone) Now sady this does cause the opposing parents to be more verbally abusive at times. My Father tuffed it out for me. It was hard on him. My mother is socially inept and cant seem to remain peaceful. But My father knew that in the west coast that laws usually favor the women. He didn't want to chance that so he did what he could and when i was 14, he finally found a life line out.
I don’t think that it’s complicated. I think it’s selfish. It becomes so clear, when healthy is consistently unhealthy. It’s about the kids, not ur wife, not ur husband.
I grew up with my grandparents, from the age that you just don't divorce and suffer through and trust me did I suffer from it. Still dealing with the anxiety and fear it instilled in me 30 years later. When they finally did separate, things did get better, unfortunately my grandpa died not long after so I never really got the chance to see it through on both sides. Never had a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like, and I fear I have stumbled into a similar situation. Thanks Jono for always putting out the videos I need the most at just the right time.
I feel differently than you. This is coming from someone who often noticed a lack of love between my own parents...well who was painfully aware of this, especially as I got older and more discerning. There are certainly instances in which this is necessary, for example, physical abuse; obviously, then leave. I have often had a rocky relationship with my partner (but it is getting better recently.) I even seriously considered divorce, even going as far as speaking to a lawyer about options. We had issues of addiction in our marriage. Now, though, things are getting better; we are rekindling our love and working through unresolved issues, practicing forgiveness. My partner was raised in a single parent home and even with my parents dysfunction, there was still an amount of stability to my childhood that he simply did not perceive in his single parent home. We have discussed this in depth and truly believe that this is important to give to your children. The truth is, even with co-parenting, the kids are going to be traveling from two different homes, living with the absence of one parent for the majority of the time. And stats show that most couples who consider divorce are happy just 5 years later. So, I'd say tread VERY carefully.
I would advise anyone without kids that’s in unhappy relationships to get out fasts no changes. It’s going on 19 years and I can’t wait to get out: I’m 39 years old now with a 9 year old son. I am counting my days. No one should live in toxic environments
Is there a study comparing the effects on the children of having Divorced Parents vs Parents always fighting?
Sadly, in our country there's no divorce yet, and annulment is very expensive & complicated. That's why many resort to just verbal/informal written agreement when separating, which causes problems later on. I mean technically they're still married, so parents should still give support, and either one couldn't reMarry/have relationship with other people.
My mum should have moved out long before she finally did. The air was so much lighter when she was gone. My mum and dad are actually good friends now.
Well I know for a fact that my daughter would be devastated so I can’t leave no matter what a therapist says
Grew up in that situation and I can’t wait to get away. 🏃🏽♀️
Thank u.
Terrible advice from therapist--
Therapist: I think you think that the most important thing in your life is to be a good mother.
(Me edge of my seat, am I about to receive some amazing advice)
Therapist: the most important thing in your life is to be a good wife.
(I am there for domestic violence therapy during my divorce)
Oh. Wow. That's awful!
Parents are rolemodels for their children. Growing up we observe everything our parents do; what is it like to be an adult? to handle life? to work, care for a home? to parent? to love?
We model relationships, we place the bar for their expectations. My choice to get divorced was in the end because of my child. I thought to myself "is this what I want him to grow up thinking love is?". I did not want him to see his parents out of sync and unhappy - because children see it, they observe every little bit of the loneliness, sadness etc. no matter how many brave faces we put up. I wanted to give him the chance to see that love can be different things.
My husband wasn't some bad or mean person, but we met too young and we were too different. His idea of who I was was a fantasy, in order to adapt to him I became clingy and independent. Living a lie is not good for either parents or children. Now instead, our child got to see us both learn to be independent and find other partners as more mature individuals. It was a struggle, and he saw the struggle, but we made it, honest and free. Hopefully some of those lessons are with him in his choice of life partner.