I left my ex-husband in March of 2022. Divorced him February of 2023. We co-parent our 8 year old son that is extremely close to his drug addict father. My heart is so broken, I've been in and out of depression and lost my high paying job. I'm tired of him telling me I'm crazy. I need to be strong and keep him in my life as minimal as I can. It's been a very tough road. The only thing keeping me strong is a relationship with God and my children.
Thank u for sharing, you are brave, you don't think u are but u are. I'm working on my courage 💪 self esteem and finances to make a move. I'm 10 yrs into this relationship and wanted out at 3yrs but having kids and wanting a family made me stay. We lived separately for 1 1/2 yrs but losing my jobs during covid and homeschooling brought him back into the house. I'm not mad anymore, not depressed about not having "normal" family, I'm exhausted and done. I want a new life, and its up to me to be the adult here and finally end it in hopes of smiling again. I want my kids (6 and 10) to know what healthy relationships look like, and this ain't it! I'm starting with finding myself because I've built so many walls of protection I forget how to be me.
This is brilliant, thank you Amber. Living with an addict and fighting to "save" them made me even sicker than they were. I did not recognize myself, who I have become.
I agree. My husband’s drug use have gave me a stroke and I still want to save him even through that. Now, I’m at a point where I’ve kicked him out so I can have my peace. This may possibly turn into a divorce and lose the love of my life but I cannot go on living this way.
I was the person who tried to control the addiction, my god it’s exhausting!!!!! My husband has been clean and sober now for 15 years, I had to live with a whole new person. We have been together for 30 years and as hard as it was it is now wonderful.
I was so excited for my boyfriend’s 10 months sober and almost 😅 invited all his friends to a birthday party, he relapsed because his mom took too many pills and started hearing voices again:, now he completes one year and two months sober but he had some mental issues and was mean to me progressively so I went to my moms for a day. I came back and he had relapsed: we’re 3 years and 3 months together. I don’t see it anymore.
OMG, I lived like this for 21 years. Honey, I **drank** so I could deal with his **drinking**. I got out of it, and tamed my issues with alcohol and am in a healthy relationship now. It can be done.
And it's our fault. I hate hearing that. He says, well if you hadnt gone to volunteer at work. Or you're the one who put on makeup, you talked to the neighbor, you went to your friends, you did or you did that. Had I not done any of that then he wouldn't do drugs, it's me pushing him to it.
You're not alone. We must find a way through or out. That's all there is to it to keep what's left of our health and sanity. I know you're stronger than you know. It's cliche, but it still feels good to say to someone, and it still feels good to hear. I hope you are finding your way through or out of this. 🌷
Praise the Lord Jesus and I believe God gave you the strength to get out . Thanks for updating us on your situation, now focus on your healing dear, and jeep your eyes up and on God for total emotional healing. I'm praying to be able to leave my abuser soon. I can totally relate to your situation , so thank you for your courage to reach out and in the same time motivate individuals like my self.
I’ve been living with an alcoholic for nearly 21 years. Thought I was going crazy because I’ve obsessed about it for a long, long time. I’m tired, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, I’m feeling so depleted. 🙄😞😢
I’m tempted to get people on my side and hear what’s going on , so I isolate to not talk about it to others. I have before and I was only embarrassed that I did and felt like I lowered myself. What I wanted was help and advice but it came out looking like self pity.
If you make it through an extremely traumatic experience such as a long marriage to an addicted person and still keep your sanity, you have achieved the state of kensugi. The Japanese concept of kensugi is that things that are broken and then repaired are more beautiful than those that have never been broken. If you have a pottery bowl repaired in Japan, the repair person will usually mix a large dose of pure gold powder into the glue. That adds some new beauty to the bowl.
I think I have must have achieved kensugi. I am 33 years now with a high level functioning alcoholic. I am not sure how he manages but he does somehow. He has never lost time at work, makes good money. Is helpful and kind . But he drinks every day, just at home and between the hours of 6 and 9 pm, he can drink 12 to 14 beer in a few hours. And I have been through everything you describe here. I have been the crazy person you are describing, spying on him, screaming and yelling, finding his stash and throwing it out, threatening him. He continuously even today, gas lights me, lying about his drinking. He actually has me second guessing my own brain, that maybe I am crazy. I definitely lost myself in all this. Finally the light bulb came on a few years ago and I realized I couldn’t do anything to change him or make him stop, so I stopped all that craziness and started focusing on myself. All I could do was change me. So I did. I love my husband, he is a good person with a health issue. But, I am not in love with him anymore, Or I am not obsessed with him anymore. If he wants to drink himself to death, so be it. I no longer feel the need to save him. So my soul is quieter now. How do I deal with it? I call him on his drinking, I just say, I know you have been drinking and I known you have had more than 2 beer and then I withdraw from the conversation and leave him alone. When he lies and gaslights, I just call him on that too. I say you are lying or gaslighting me again, it is not going to work any longer because I am onto you. You in your heart know you are wrong here and are just trying to turn it around on me. Because before I would turn into that raving lunatic trying to defend myself.
@@SIMpip374This is so relatable. I’ve been with a high functioning successful daily using alcoholic for the last 20 years. He starts drinking around 4:00 until 10:00 or so. I don’t say anything to him, because I know better. He’ll shut me out, or ignore me if I do. Thank you for sharing your story, because it makes me feel that I’m not so alone. ❤🙏🏻
I have an adult son that lives with me that has a severe alcohol use disorder and it is so emotionally exhausting. I am so ready for him to move out so I can get my life back. He is a super sweet person inside, and he is not drinking right now (9 days home from a detox at hospital) and he went to treatment for 3 months but he relapsed after about 3 weeks of being back at home. It’s been going on for around 6 years and the past two years have been really hard. I want out…..but I do know this will be a lifelong battle for him. I’m just so tired, anxious, feel like a shell of my former self.
Same with me, as my adult son lives with me currently, and is addicted to meth & crack cocaine. It just wears you out emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. So tired.
I understand what the frustration is about. I want mine here, at the same time Im Having stress watching him and not sure if he's on or off drugs. Worrying is making me sick.
I know how you feel. Alcohol took my wife. Just seeing her suffer to past breath slaughter me. But there was nothing I could do for her. I miss her every day but I'm trying not to blame myself for her decision. Please don't torture yourself for all we can do is love them. Stay strong..
🤚 My 44 yo son is driving me and my 95 yo Dad crazy. He’s been stealing $$ so he can get his alcohol. He’s going through a divorce and says he can’t go to any Rehab bc she’ll use it against him!
I am so grateful to have found a community of people that have gone through and are going through the exact word for word same thing as my family. Thank you so much Amber I just found you yesterday and I'm enjoying you very much❤❤
Thank you so much for these videos. They are so, so helpful. My loved one has an addiction, and the worst thing for me regarding their addiction is that it brings out such ugly reactions that I did not know Im capable of. The worst thing is that it makes me hate myself. And I really hate that. This was the tipping point, and made me realise that's my limit. I can take a lot of bad things, but not hating myself. That being said, I slowly started to care for myself, and I'm better now. Its not easy, but its doable. #RegressionToTheMean but intentional
Amber! I’m almost 17 mo sober and I watch you all the time. I used to cry listening to how I was affecting my family but now days I want to hear. The reason is because there are long term affects that we addicts cause on our loved ones and I see these effects even when they don’t. It actually allows me to have compassion and patience for them because I know I played a part in them being like that. I don’t sit in shame anymore so I dont watch this and feel guilty at all. I’m making my amends and learning how to love them in a way I could not for 17yrs in my alcohol addiction. Thank you so much for all the teaching you do for all of us. You spoke to me before I ever knew I was sick or went to rehab and I was just thinking I needed to get a handle on it. I didn’t know I couldn’t on my own will. I couldn’t have done it without God but I also need the psychology and education and it all goes together. Always sharing your vids to families AND addicts especially when they get to the place where they can hear it. I can’t thank you enough for what you do! There really is freedom on this side and I won’t stop believing that for me or others!
This is beautiful. You've made my day. Is it okay if I read your comment during my Live video this week? I think it could really help other people to hear your success story!
Hi Promisepenton, I thought your comment was inspirational so I posted it (anonymously) in the community section. You should hop over to the community section and see all the positive responses you’re getting! 🤩🤩.
Amber, sorry I’m slow to respond. I’m glad you posted my comment if it could be helpful and I never care if I’m anonymous or not, haha. I freeze in groups and am unable to speak and I’m not improving in that area so that’s pretty isolating. I really haven’t felt like I could contribute in the usual way we do at meetings… so if I say what’s in my heart online and it gives even one person hope I’m very grateful for that.
I just got home from the hospital a couple of days ago from trying to unalive myself. My addicted daughter has made me become someone I don't recognize. I am mentally broken. And the saddest part is that she didn't even care that I did it. She left with her boyfriend whiley husband was waiting for the paramedics to get there to save me. And when she came back home, she didn't even ask him if I was ok. And somewhere in my insanity, I thought I could sacrifice myself to save her. What a joke.
I’m sorry to hear that happened. Never give up your life for attention. Please get some mental health /therapy for you. Not for your daughter or anyone else. Your daughter is grown you need to let her fly. Co-dependency which is what one of your problems seems to be is no joke. I spent 10 years with my ex’s mother who was so do-dependent on her son she threatened him all the time, withheld financial help unless he went and spent time with her. It was a terrible mess. I’m praying for you. Remember your life is worth living- a higher power gave you this life so it is not yours to take. Please take care. Edited to add - you can’t fix your daughter. You will never be able to. The only way she will change is when she hits rock bottom. You raised her and she is adult and making these bad choices. Your job is done. You are entitled to live a peaceful life. You can still love her and pray for her but at a distance. If she lives with you then tell her she needs to find a job and move out. Give her an exact date to be out and stick firm with it. I know it sounds harsh but you need peace in your life and deserve it. If she’s around you then you won’t have peace. Set boundaries.
Hugs sent your way. .. seriously. Plz look up Kris Reece. On Narcism A lot of times it’s not us. It may be reactive abuse ❤. . Jesus loves you. It’s a cycle.
I went through the exact same thing. Ended up in the psych ward for 8 days. Can no longer work a regular job so I gave up my 20 year career. Thought it was mostly my daughter’s drug addiction. Then I found out 6 months after my release that my husband is a drug addict too. We are divorced now on top of everything else. It’s been a soul crushing, life altering unholy hell, that’s for sure…
Hey Amber, I have a comment on narcissistic abuse. I divorced am divorced from a covert narcissist. The information I gained from a therapist was invaluable. But I can't camp there. It's seems that people want to complain about it so people will pity them. Pity won't help me recover. My perception of people is warped because of it. I am having to learn to trust all over again. It's healthy to become aware when we have been victimized. It's unhealthy to want a monument built to it.
I’m totally not leaving the home I created! He’s going to leave if necessary. I’m finally old enough and have my own resources. It’s so important to have your own finances! HUGE peace of mind 🙏 Keep track of abuse and lies, get a great lawyer if needed:) ❤
I had my own business and was doing great when I met my ex. He literally destroyed and stole everything I had. I've been away from him for 3 years and still struggling to survive because I'm left with health issues, severe depression and PTSD from that whole experience. It's horrible 😞
WOWWWW. This is amazing. It is SPOT ON. Married 20 years to my husband who became an alcoholic 5 years ago. I have done ALL of these things and couldnt undertstand what the hell was wrong with me LOL. Thank you for these, long time subscriber.
Most addicts and alcoholics live with so much shame and guilt and they use their drug of choice to try to get away from those feelings. More guilt and shame doesn’t work.
I had to quickly go from "why is this happening how dare you" and asking what is wrong with me to identifying that adding punitive arguments did more harm than anything. Only being honest and working towards self improvement can get you out of codependence.
Yes you nailed, all true, & when you said brain changes…. From my association with addiction I had to also learn the following for my own restitution ..the biological neurological chemical process…logic/illogical side to addiction of anything.. The reality, the brains chemical factory releasing dopamine with every pleasure hit, irrespective any pleasure, even eating & perhaps at much higher than normal levels depending on the “ high “ dose .. Done with regularity, addiction, those receptors become disregulated & need repairing .. the coming down … needs weaning to repair, balance … The “ feel bad” process is exactly that, If when experimental a lab rats they will continue to pull the dopamine lever… the feel good & when deprived of dopamine the rat becomes excessively low, looses all interest in virtually being alive, such is brain function… Armed with the this physiology info, for some makes the process easier with decision making, meaning not take any of the process as a personal hit to oneself And the same process in away happens for us… the highs & lows … no shame whatsoever …agree not powerless, something other become more powerful … yourself
I hate the person I become with my 37 year old son. I turn into a raging lunatic as he drives me absolutely nuts. I am the one going insane. He lies, steals and manipulates. He threatens suicide every time things don’t go his way. He uses up police and ambulance resources all the time. I’m done, but the guilt makes me go soft and then as soon as I am nice to him he starts asking for money and so on. So I yo-yo. He brings out the worst in me. I don’t want to ever see him again for my own sanity but then guilt comes. I went through this with his father and joined Al-anon which helped so much and I decided to leave him and never regretted that decision but it’s entirely different when it’s your child.
Julie, I really, really get your post. Logically, I know letting go instead of getting dragged is a good message. When it comes to my son…. I have no words. Mine is 33 and we’ve been in this loop on and off since he was 12. 😭
I pray for your son Julie in the Almighty Nameof Jesus we declare Satan's hold on your boy now loose according to Matthew 18:18 and also gor yiut son Phoenix, we trust in yiu Lord to break the bandage of addiction and substance abuse and we pray for You to fill the voids of these young men and that you send your workers out to talk and work with these abducted men and free them as they turn to you Lord Jesus. Amen
I'm 65, I have never been without an active addict in my life. I came into the 12 step program 38 yrs. ago. Between the steps & other self help theories for the most part i managed pretty well. Now my 2 sons & 1 grandson, now in recovery. Put down the shovel has contributed to those changes. Focus on my recovery makes sharing with others effective.
A mother or father is only intended to paremt their child for 17 years in America. Addicts are like forever children. But they're bad, destructive, expensive, spoiled kids. Of course it's exhausting!
Ugggg the story of my life for 15 years. Got rid of him and kicked him out but it still haunts me and I'm still insane.....I hate the person I've become...
Thank you. You have been extremely helpful 🙏🏼 im finally hearing and understanding what i am experiencing with my spouse’s addiction/abuse and the toll it has taken on my own self worth and mental confidence. It’s a painful exhausting cylce constantly wishing you could “love them enough”. As a spouse you become distracted by the chaos and lose the ability or you feel guilty to love yourself. You forget what that looks and feels like as you personally feel less valued. Im encouraged to learn more and approach it from a different angle with healthier boundaries.
I let my addicted 55 yr old brother move in with me a year ago. At least he was clean, calm and kind. It was sad to watch however. He ended up taking his life last month. I can tell you I'm glad I took him in so he at least had a nice, safe place to stay his last year rather than living on the street.
This is excellent and wish I had known this 2 years ago. This is one of your best videos that has articulated the crazy, sadness, overwhelming feelings that I have been going through. The comparison is perfect. Thank you for making this video. This is the best video for any loved one that is looking for help.
It's been 10 years since I walked away. The experience taught me I am codependent and I am an addiction-prone person. I cannot be around any form of recreational substances, legal or not. My "picker", my ability to detect abuse, toxic behavior, and manipulation, was damaged to an even worse state by being around this person. There have been other incidents in the years since where I was subjected to yelling, profanity, false accusations, lying from other people and all I could respond with is attempts to make them feel better, just like I did with the person before. I have LESS ability to deal with people than before because when I'd assert a boundary I would get shouted at, insulted, threatened, everything in the book. You don't magically grow and learn from that. You learn it's better to not assert a boundary. I feel like healthy and functional people warn each other to stay away from me. And it seems unhealthy people can detect my coldness, paranoia etc. and are the ones who will show me attention, get my trust and interest and love, and then know they've found someone they can start abusing and exploiting again. Well-adjusted people are not seeing what I'm seeing. I am not seeing what they are seeing. We are not living in the same world. We are not in the same psychological reality.
I want to know when the "programming" wears off? Living with them...changes so much that even years later, I am still catching reactions/behaviors from that time that I adopted, and need to put away.
Research Bach flower remedies Rescue remedy is a blend of 5 for shock and trauma Then look at centaury and walnut Very interesting Drops in beverage or rubbed on skin Corrects the emotional state to balance
@@kristenmarie9248try therapy and if they don’t get it then try another one. I just got my insurance and have to look into some other health issues that I didn’t have before 🙄 but I’m going to try it again next with a different doctor.
This video hit deep...i have two addicted sons and lately ive realised how addicted I am to them...Most of my relaxing time is spent thinking of how to solve it and why its happening and how much they suffer and why cant they choose the better path and what part of it i caused...Even on the good days I feel guilty...Bargaining...Ive done the worst case scenarios over and over ...to the point where I even feel that if i force rehab,I feel sorry for the pain of withdrawal they will face...Some days im an enabler ...some days i try to play God
You're words give me hope. I'm 43 and have done nothing but relapse and get clean all of my adult life. I've done inpatient 5 times and 3 years in sober living houses. I was a house manager for 18 months. I never thought I'd go back after being clean for 3 years. Here I am again. My 19 year old son has told me to leave the past there. If he forgives me, why can't I forgive myself? I'm riddled with guilt and shame.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you find piece in your heart. Grace and forgiveness are gifts that we do not earn. Recognize them and embrace them because it will help you heal and be renewed. There is a love that surpasses all understanding and came to cleanse our hearts. Jesus came to take away the guilt and shame of our sin. And he did that by taking on the most shameful death possible: crucifixion on a Roman cross. He hung there naked, in public disgrace, exposed to the abuse of the jeering crowd. And yet he was innocent. “He endured the cross, scorning its shame” (Hebrews 12:2), so that we can be freed from all shame and live fully with him. The one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” 1 Peter 2:6 Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters. Hebrews 2:11
I am new here and I am so very happy I found you. You description is spot on. Unbeliveable! I have been married for over 20 yrs now but the last 5 my husband has become an addict and I have felt like I was going to loose my mind or have a heartattck over the stress and anger. I am a shell of what I use to be. I have been so depressed that I had my Dr double my antidepressants. He has made me doubt everything in about myself. His kids tell me I am co-dependent but I don't think so. I am just a woman in love with her first love and not wanting to give up on him. My son recently OD a couple of weeks ago. He was my only child and now he is gone. My husband has yet allowed me to process and grieve. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for making these videos.
My prayers are with you. I too have last my only child to addiction. My spouse also doesn't let me grieve because of his addiction. I've had to separate myself from him or I was going to lose my mind. You can do it. I'm not saying it's easy, but it does get better. I have some peace now and can think better and the stress has lighten up. ❤
Thanks Amber, so deeply helpful as always - I've started Al-Anon for families. Step 1 is a good place for me to start, and agree with your points about the word "powerless". I see that as I had become powerless due to being in a relationship with an addict, and that the chaos was unmanageable.. But now I'm taking back power to make my life better.
Thank you so much for this video. I’m so addicted to my alcoholic husband. I’m slowly trying to break it and become my old self while helping him. It’s a daily battle for me. However I keep trying.
I get what your saying so much about being addicted to someone,but we do it out of love and forever hoping they can stop and become "normal"again.sending love to you it's so so hard.
Same here. If I tell him positive things, he turns on it. He does something silly. He is going to methadone dr. His first month was awesome. Then he got back on using. He says no, ha he is. We go everyday at 3: 30 we leave takes us over an hour. Then another hr to get him to work on time. We would let him drive, he gets sleepy and it's too much. We meet him 30min from his work so he could drive from there. It's so stressful!
You can't help him. That's part of the con. When your in a close relationship with an alcoholic or drug user, you are simply a means for them to feed their habit.
This has been so insightful and helpful thank you. I have been on both sides of addiction and you’re absolutely right it’s worse watching a loved one go through it. I have been clean from heroin for 11 years now. I’m currently watching my boyfriend battle alcohol addiction and it’s so hard. I come at it with deep understanding and patience because I have been there but at the same time I want to strangle him lol! Right now he is on a bender and I haven’t seen him in 3 days but now he’s texting me he wants to come home.
Wow, my addicts is finally living on his own in a boarding house still drinking.but I find myself still calling him and checking on him to see if he is ok..your correct iam just as addicted as he is.thankyou so much for your insight and truth
@Buffy - I'm so sorry to hear what you're experiencing. If you ever read this, I hope that you're ok and in a good place. I hope your children can reach the state of recovery.
The saddest part for me with this conversation, and I’m crying as I say, this is how sick this woman is how sick this piece of shit drug addict made her. I’m pissed my daughters dead my husband is dead and I don’t deserve to feel like the shitty one. 😢😢
What if you’ve never knew the person as a non-alcoholic person? My husband was an alcoholic when I met him. He’s improved some by has never quit like I really dream he would.
👋 Amber, thank you for explaining this. i am having horrible problems trying to get sympathy from friends who just don't understand how I can be so crazy broken after a 3 year relationship ended 2 months ago. I am completely broken, and trying to pick the pieces of me together, but it's crazy how nobody understands and just tell you : oh but he's not worth it, you should have seen it coming
And thank you. I was feeling like I was going crazy, acting a fool with his phone and up his butt about what he was doing where he was.... I was like WTF. Then I saw a video, and this one today, that explained it and I felt so much better.
A /son is an addict, 23 yrs, all of your words I have lived. Still live , get u, I'm tired, 62 and no life but worry...I am glad a person told me of your utube videos!! Thank you 🙏🏻
Your insight is incredibly accurate. Decades ago a partner was an addict. It was extremely exhausting Sadly through my own childhood/ teenage trauma and his influence I too became an addict. I am 13 years clean and Happy that I'm free from it all. You have to do an incredible amount of inner work on yourself with radical honesty.. its painful but worth it. There is no other way.
Listening now This help me so much more with some things I already knew But I have still struggling going nuts for 6yrs now with my partner Lord Jesus Help Me Thnx for sharing I'm not alone. Chg iL.
Im here because my brother becomes meth addict, I'm heartbroken. So this is how it feels like when you have loved one who is drug addict. I want to help my brother to go rehab but is just I can't afford it. This feeling I have right now is just eating me everyday
Hi Jeny, Here is a link to download a free copy of my treatment options guide. It explains all the options including free ones. www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/motivational-interviewing-session-1
When i started getting better and picked myself out of that cycle of his Rollercoaster, he started accusing me of cheating on him and now he uses that as a reason for his addiction getting worse
It is a road that once started cannot be righted. It will eventually lead to separation and the faster you realize, prepare, and work on yourself, the better off you will be. Life is too short to waste it on someone who does not feel the same way about you as you do them.
I’m only 8 minutes in and this is spot on. I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend and I feel like a shell of a person. I’ve lost myself. This gives me hope. Thank you
I get tired of being angry. Angry that the addict faces little consequences for the actions, pain, suffering they have caused. People will say, well they are the addict and they do face consequences......maybe lose family, spouse, Well that is not enough. Having to face there is nothing you can do, as if the addict injected you with terminal cancer, is beyond frustrating. Sorry, my spouse in rehab and angry at being shut out. Oh, as far as the 12 steps program..you say they seem to talk in code....as an outsider who is not familiar it comes across like a cult, and honestly it is more scary that encouraging.
I tried to help my daughter. She tried to exit my car while I was driving. I reacted and reach across the passenger side and cut her nose. She put me in jail and she is trying to prosecute me. All I have done for the last 10 years was to help her. I spent a lot money bailing her out of jail gave her a place to stay. She tried to have me commit last year. Addictions really makes them evil
My partner has a cocaine addiction and i cant believe i waited 15 years just to realize he will never stop ... now i have to break my family up just to save my son from seeing his father live his life of addiction... i m so tired of feeling emotional knowing iam slowly watching my partner destroy himself health wise ... trying to tell myself in the long run , leaving and stopping the enabling will save him .... 😢
My 50 year daughter and 47 year old son are about to kill themselves by drinking until they are not breathing. They are educated smart and attractive adults. I am the one who is totally crazy at this point. I am trying to learn from these videos.
Yea I've been with my husband almost 11 yrs...the drug addition, drug induced paranoia, in and out of jail, mental abuse, narcissistic behavors....I'm exhausted and have finally had enough. but yea i dont even know who i am anymore....
Currently my husband is an addict. I have given up basically. I don’t want to deal with this. Won’t get help. I avoid him as much as possible bcuz I can’t bear to see him high. I know what I need to do, but we’ve been married 31yrs this yr. I’m afraid for him. One reason I have stayed. I’m so confused and angry. Idk how to leave. I’ve tried everything. He threatens unaliving himself if I leave..
25 years married to an alcoholic. He gets up and goes to work every day but at 7 pm every single night he cracks open a tin of beer and cloaks off being a parent or a husband. He is controlling, jealous and resentful of every thing I do . I am in the process of planning my escape . It is going to be very difficult and I have to completely start all over again but I know eventually it will all be for the best 🙏🏻
It’s very hard for me to be nice to the AH after being cut down so much. If I mention anything about the addiction or the pain it causes me he down plays it and then turns it around on me. I don’t like him at all so how do I get past not wanting to be nice?
I am exhausted, I am at the point that I am just hopeless and better to be distant and cold my husband does one step forward and then 10 back… looks like he just doesn’t care at all… it is really exhausting I feel so unhappy, I am grateful that I have a little girl to focus on instead of him… and the gaslighting during and to be able to binge is horrible
Amber, I had to pause the video to write this: Thank you, with all my heart! I've watched your videos since last weekend and I really have to stop myself not to binge watch every video. Some of the things you say I've figured out over time - but you have really opened my eyes in some ways. I've made the mistake of emotionally distancing myself from my husband while setting boundaries. Thanks to your videos I've softened a lot, without my boundaries being stepped on and in return it's helping him to calm down and think. We've still got a long journey ahead of us but the more I learn about addiction and everything that comes with it the more I am able to manage my own ego ( for example, not getting angry or offended if he's lying because it is a symptom). I'm far from perfect - he still sometimes gets to me so bad that I turn into a crazy person, which I'm not proud of. Do you have a video about what to do when someone threatens to harm himself to get what he wants?
I can relate sister got a Grandma and her son my Father both are alcoholics died in alcoholism. To put it simply living with them is like Hell on Earth they are like the personalities of Dr Jekyll and Hyde k!
Missed the live, but the same message I heard from a therapist I was seeing a few years ago. You explained it way better though - the part about being addicted to them. I have realized the parallels between his bargaining and my bargaining. Eye opening. Thanks for all the helpful info you share Amber.
My partner may be going to prison and I feel relieved. I also feel guilty for feeling like that but I am stuck with him and his addiction and it’s killing me.
Another factor told me by a once raging heroin addict… living with the parent relationship… her mother seeing her passed out & needles left uncapped, the mum nor the dad said none more than oh dear … helped her to bed & put needles away, no retribution & bad vibes, no name calling shame … so no low self esteem… as society dictates shame.. She the addict said nothing to feed on, over time became pointless habit, a few yrs she ditched habit herself, welcomed back like no thing happened much like the old Indian philosophy
Today has been a ruff day with my husband always tell me it my and he he hates me start listening to you made me realize what I need to do with myself and I'm going to do that I'm going to work myself cuz I know what I want once again I just wanted to tell you thank you
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it 38:2238:24 😊
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it
It’s sad to admit this, but as a child Inwent to my dads AA meetings with him. I still remember them lol but as an adult who found myself with an alcoholic, I completely lost my mind. I’m pretty traumatized, bc he wasn’t necessarily a physically abusive drunk, he was verbally abusive. Just the most hurtful things was said to me that cut me to my core. And would then say the next day he never said that etc I got so confused and then I started getting really angry and lashing out. I got over my own addiction issues with opiates, so I know it literally comes down to your either done with your drug or choice or you ain’t. You have to hate the consequences more than the high. Idk why I commented, just wanted to say thanks for the video.
Oh yes the classic Craig Beck story about the safe. He thought he could get rid of the cravings by putting the wine in a time lock safe that would only unlock for fifteen minutes a day. He would sit in front of the safe saying "C'mon 7pm. I can't wait for the safe to unlock itself". Eventually he decided that it was just easier to drive to the liquor store at 6:30 pm to get his bottle of wine. Perhaps he would get back in time to open the safe. Perhaps not. It did not matter either way as long as he had access to the car to drive to the liquor store.
I needed this, this morning! It’s amazing, I’ve never heard it like this…I’m a mama to an addicted/alcoholic daughter that making me loose my mind. I lost her sister in 2017 to the same thing…so going through this again ….let’s just say I needed this! 🤪 Thank you!😘🙏🏼🌺
I feel like there is like a ribbon or some kind of connection, I know when things are bad for him I can just feel it. that is hard to ignore but getting better at it i guess.
Powerlessness is only mentioned once in the 12 steps because when you first come into the program your life is so unmanageable and everything you’ve tried on your own has failed royally and you feel like you have no power over the addiction. It was originally created by Dr Bob and Bill W about cravings. Next steps 2-12 are about empowering yourself and learning that you are not powerless that your life will become manageable if you surrender yourself to others for help do these things we suggest-
It has been 31 years of dealing with an addicted spouse. I don't even know who I am anymore. I lost both my parents last year and I haven't even been able to grieve over that lost due to all the drinking. I just feel broken. 🖐🖐
I am so sorry about the loss of your parents 💔 My beloved papa passed about a year and a half ago, and it still doesn't even seem REAL because yes, I have been completely consumed by this relationship and trying to play near constant damage-control. May we BOTH someday be able to breathe, to relax, to actually GRIEVE!! My love to you from Michigan 💜💛💙
@@melissacorwin8277 Thank you for the kind words it means so much, especially knowing you sadly are dealing with this as well. My heart goes out to you.
Ugh, I remember when I obsessed over this. With work and self care, I have completely detached myself from this toxic addiction to the addict. It's such a free feeling. I can not control anything he does. And life is too short to try to convince yourself otherwise.
@@TheLisajoyce Lisa I to am where you are. I pray and read God's read first thing every morning, make my bed, fix myself breakfast and I've noticed I start my day with peace and courage to handle what life throws at me better. I feel more in control over my emotions. You can raise above this. Blessings to you my friend.
Your so awesome. Thank you for opening up my mind with so many things about addiction. Alcohol took my wife. I understand now that it was her addiction that change her. I know that now. She was always the sweetest person. I never lost sight of that! I knew it was the drinking. I never gave up on her! It really is baffling and cruel addiction!
Wow. This literally describes my relationship with my ex girlfriend. I was obsessed with trying to help her see her addiction (when I started to see it) and absolutely lost myself. That’s when I found this channel. Thanks so much for this information. Feeling so much better since I ended the relationship and distanced myself.
Do you ever have videos that help the addict understand the family member and the trauma the addiction has caused - It seems so heavy on what we can do to support the addict - The only thing we can do for the addict is look after ourselves and work on ourselves. Most of the family members have been abused by the addict, goodness we also have nothing left to give. So much pressure
The most loving thing a parent can do for the sibling who is not an addict is get them into therapy yesterday. Living with an addict is a daily trauma. And, Amber, you said it, the addict’s willingness to break every single person’s heart in their family does have logical consequences. My daughter is 31 and texted me at 6:59 am today, in complete rage her parents did neglect her needs because the addicts in her family dominated the whole family’s existence. There was no joy or relaxation or focus on her when she was a teen. We all have deep ptsd. And every phone call after 10pm still scares me because it could be the call he od’d.
🤚🤚God bless you, Amber. Thank you for continuing to share your wisdom. I am a recovering addict alcoholic almost 6 months sober, living with an active addict. I have been obsessing over my husband's addiction and I am trusting your advice even when I struggle to implement i!!! The struggle is real!!! Thank you for your good, true and strong advice!! Pressing on patiently with hope for self improvement❤🙏🏼
Thank you so very much, as I’m having an epiphany of my past- present - and future. From my Father to my current romantic relationship, at the age of 54 yrs. I’m a therapist, was an Intake Worker at a drug/alcohol rehab, teacher, event marketer, and sales specialist, plus CEO of a manufacturing company. I’ve been familiar and intermittently active within Alateen, Alanon, SLA, Coda, Narcissitic Abuse Survivor, and a continuous. Life long curiosity / learning, constant. The puzzle pieces that we fill, mark the complexity Alcoholism.. It’s a “Family Disease”, however we define Family. The only disease where the carrier of the disease, expresses the effects and symptoms though those that do not carry the disease of alcoholism. It is crazy and mind ending, concerning the reconditioning, boggling…reconditioning our addiction raised childhood, multi generational, and conditioned behavior training. Time to learn and relearn it all over again. Daily Maintenance keeps Codependency Manageable. ♥️🤗❣️
Why does this continue even after they stopped drinking? My dh has been sober 5 months and all the dysfunction still exists. I am going to Al anon but he is not in a 12 step program. And I can’t control his recovery but he almost mocks mine. Was supportive at first now its back to normal silent treatment, projection and anger.
My alcoholic passed away…. But you’re making me so aware of how he damaged me and I damaged myself. I appreciate the knowledge you impart. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Take Amber's Free Boundaries Quiz: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/boundaries-quiz
💰 💰
💵 💵 💵
I thought I needed to go into a mental hospital. But I found this channel. Thank goodness.
I left my ex-husband in March of 2022. Divorced him February of 2023. We co-parent our 8 year old son that is extremely close to his drug addict father. My heart is so broken, I've been in and out of depression and lost my high paying job. I'm tired of him telling me I'm crazy. I need to be strong and keep him in my life as minimal as I can. It's been a very tough road. The only thing keeping me strong is a relationship with God and my children.
Thank u for sharing, you are brave, you don't think u are but u are. I'm working on my courage 💪 self esteem and finances to make a move. I'm 10 yrs into this relationship and wanted out at 3yrs but having kids and wanting a family made me stay. We lived separately for 1 1/2 yrs but losing my jobs during covid and homeschooling brought him back into the house. I'm not mad anymore, not depressed about not having "normal" family, I'm exhausted and done. I want a new life, and its up to me to be the adult here and finally end it in hopes of smiling again. I want my kids (6 and 10) to know what healthy relationships look like, and this ain't it! I'm starting with finding myself because I've built so many walls of protection I forget how to be me.
Alanon is the only thing that works for me❤
@bridgettavelar2204, you have God and he's exactly who you need. Prayers.
Praise God, He will sustain you Sister. God will never leave you or foresake you. 🙏🏻💕
Many people don't see why god is our saving grace.
This is brilliant, thank you Amber. Living with an addict and fighting to "save" them made me even sicker than they were. I did not recognize myself, who I have become.
Me too 😢
That happens to me as well.
Me too 😢
Same… we have to make the choice to save ourselves and then do it when we know we’ve done all we can or we will die too.
I agree. My husband’s drug use have gave me a stroke and I still want to save him even through that. Now, I’m at a point where I’ve kicked him out so I can have my peace. This may possibly turn into a divorce and lose the love of my life but I cannot go on living this way.
I was the person who tried to control the addiction, my god it’s exhausting!!!!!
My husband has been clean and sober now for 15 years, I had to live with a whole new person. We have been together for 30 years and as hard as it was it is now wonderful.
I was so excited for my boyfriend’s 10 months sober and almost 😅 invited all his friends to a birthday party, he relapsed because his mom took too many pills and started hearing voices again:, now he completes one year and two months sober but he had some mental issues and was mean to me progressively so I went to my moms for a day. I came back and he had relapsed: we’re 3 years and 3 months together. I don’t see it anymore.
What made you want to stay?
I'll never hate her for her addiction, I'll always care but from a distance
OMG, I lived like this for 21 years. Honey, I **drank** so I could deal with his **drinking**. I got out of it, and tamed my issues with alcohol and am in a healthy relationship now. It can be done.
I smoke and drink when he takes off I quit today I’m changing myself back to the me before who had such great hobbies ❤
Thanks for giving me some hope. ❤
Same boat, thanks for sharing and giving some hope for what seems to be an unsustainable, hopeless situation❤
U can get well if you want too ?
Your choice your responsibility 😊
I am a shell curled up on the floor. Especially after his last binge. The gaslighting , domestic abuse and alcohol delusion is killing me.
Abuse is never okay. Take a look at this video. I think it might help 👉🏻 th-cam.com/video/EE5D8U34cl4/w-d-xo.html
And it's our fault. I hate hearing that. He says, well if you hadnt gone to volunteer at work. Or you're the one who put on makeup, you talked to the neighbor, you went to your friends, you did or you did that. Had I not done any of that then he wouldn't do drugs, it's me pushing him to it.
You're not alone. We must find a way through or out. That's all there is to it to keep what's left of our health and sanity. I know you're stronger than you know. It's cliche, but it still feels good to say to someone, and it still feels good to hear. I hope you are finding your way through or out of this. 🌷
@@kaylaschroeder1 thank you. I'm now separated from my abuser
Praise the Lord Jesus and I believe God gave you the strength to get out . Thanks for updating us on your situation, now focus on your healing dear, and jeep your eyes up and on God for total emotional healing. I'm praying to be able to leave my abuser soon. I can totally relate to your situation , so thank you for your courage to reach out and in the same time motivate individuals like my self.
I’ve been living with an alcoholic for nearly 21 years. Thought I was going crazy because I’ve obsessed about it for a long, long time. I’m tired, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, I’m feeling so depleted. 🙄😞😢
Same here
Al anon works for me. Find the right group.
I did Al anon for 8 years and it helped. I agree about the powerless. I think I do have a choice.
I’m tempted to get people on my side and hear what’s going on ,
so I isolate to not talk about it to others. I have before and I was only embarrassed that I did and felt like I lowered myself. What I wanted was help and advice but it came out looking like self pity.
If you make it through an extremely traumatic experience such as a long marriage to an addicted person and still keep your sanity, you have achieved the state of kensugi.
The Japanese concept of kensugi is that things that are broken and then repaired are more beautiful than those that have never been broken.
If you have a pottery bowl repaired in Japan, the repair person will usually mix a large dose of pure gold powder into the glue. That adds some new beauty to the bowl.
I love that! 💓💓💓💓
I think I have must have achieved kensugi. I am 33 years now with a high level functioning alcoholic. I am not sure how he manages but he does somehow. He has never lost time at work, makes good money. Is helpful and kind . But he drinks every day, just at home and between the hours of 6 and 9 pm, he can drink 12 to 14 beer in a few hours. And I have been through everything you describe here. I have been the crazy person you are describing, spying on him, screaming and yelling, finding his stash and throwing it out, threatening him. He continuously even today, gas lights me, lying about his drinking. He actually has me second guessing my own brain, that maybe I am crazy. I definitely lost myself in all this. Finally the light bulb came on a few years ago and I realized I couldn’t do anything to change him or make him stop, so I stopped all that craziness and started focusing on myself. All I could do was change me. So I did. I love my husband, he is a good person with a health issue. But, I am not in love with him anymore, Or I am not obsessed with him anymore. If he wants to drink himself to death, so be it. I no longer feel the need to save him. So my soul is quieter now. How do I deal with it? I call him on his drinking, I just say, I know you have been drinking and I known you have had more than 2 beer and then I withdraw from the conversation and leave him alone. When he lies and gaslights, I just call him on that too. I say you are lying or gaslighting me again, it is not going to work any longer because I am onto you. You in your heart know you are wrong here and are just trying to turn it around on me. Because before I would turn into that raving lunatic trying to defend myself.
This really helps me 😢 thankyou.
@@SIMpip374This is so relatable. I’ve been with a high functioning successful daily using alcoholic for the last 20 years. He starts drinking around 4:00 until 10:00 or so. I don’t say anything to him, because I know better. He’ll shut me out, or ignore me if I do. Thank you for sharing your story, because it makes me feel that I’m not so alone. ❤🙏🏻
Going on 40 years. This sounds so familiar. Working on me now. @@SIMpip374
I have an adult son that lives with me that has a severe alcohol use disorder and it is so emotionally exhausting. I am so ready for him to move out so I can get my life back. He is a super sweet person inside, and he is not drinking right now (9 days home from a detox at hospital) and he went to treatment for 3 months but he relapsed after about 3 weeks of being back at home. It’s been going on for around 6 years and the past two years have been really hard. I want out…..but I do know this will be a lifelong battle for him. I’m just so tired, anxious, feel like a shell of my former self.
Same with me, as my adult son lives with me currently, and is addicted to meth & crack cocaine. It just wears you out emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. So tired.
I understand what the frustration is about. I want mine here, at the same time Im Having stress watching him and not sure if he's on or off drugs. Worrying is making me sick.
@@tonimarroy1290 You can usually tell simply by observing their behavior. Once you know the pattern, it's easy to spot.
I know how you feel. Alcohol took my wife. Just seeing her suffer to past breath slaughter me. But there was nothing I could do for her. I miss her every day but I'm trying not to blame myself for her decision. Please don't torture yourself for all we can do is love them. Stay strong..
🤚 My 44 yo son is driving me and my 95 yo Dad crazy. He’s been stealing $$ so he can get his alcohol. He’s going through a divorce and says he can’t go to any Rehab bc she’ll use it against him!
I am so grateful to have found a community of people that have gone through and are going through the exact word for word same thing as my family. Thank you so much Amber I just found you yesterday and I'm enjoying you very much❤❤
Welcome to our little community, Jaqueline! So glad you're here. Thank you for the kind feedback 💓
Thank you so much for these videos. They are so, so helpful. My loved one has an addiction, and the worst thing for me regarding their addiction is that it brings out such ugly reactions that I did not know Im capable of. The worst thing is that it makes me hate myself. And I really hate that. This was the tipping point, and made me realise that's my limit. I can take a lot of bad things, but not hating myself. That being said, I slowly started to care for myself, and I'm better now. Its not easy, but its doable. #RegressionToTheMean but intentional
So glad you’re finding your self again’
Girl you are not alone
I know how your feel.
I hate who I am too. I've never been this way. I'm constantly on edge, terrified, sad.
Amber! I’m almost 17 mo sober and I watch you all the time. I used to cry listening to how I was affecting my family but now days I want to hear. The reason is because there are long term affects that we addicts cause on our loved ones and I see these effects even when they don’t. It actually allows me to have compassion and patience for them because I know I played a part in them being like that. I don’t sit in shame anymore so I dont watch this and feel guilty at all. I’m making my amends and learning how to love them in a way I could not for 17yrs in my alcohol addiction. Thank you so much for all the teaching you do for all of us. You spoke to me before I ever knew I was sick or went to rehab and I was just thinking I needed to get a handle on it. I didn’t know I couldn’t on my own will. I couldn’t have done it without God but I also need the psychology and education and it all goes together. Always sharing your vids to families AND addicts especially when they get to the place where they can hear it. I can’t thank you enough for what you do! There really is freedom on this side and I won’t stop believing that for me or others!
This is beautiful. You've made my day. Is it okay if I read your comment during my Live video this week? I think it could really help other people to hear your success story!
Hi Promisepenton, I thought your comment was inspirational so I posted it (anonymously) in the community section. You should hop over to the community section and see all the positive responses you’re getting! 🤩🤩.
Amber, sorry I’m slow to respond. I’m glad you posted my comment if it could be helpful and I never care if I’m anonymous or not, haha. I freeze in groups and am unable to speak and I’m not improving in that area so that’s pretty isolating. I really haven’t felt like I could contribute in the usual way we do at meetings… so if I say what’s in my heart online and it gives even one person hope I’m very grateful for that.
I just got home from the hospital a couple of days ago from trying to unalive myself. My addicted daughter has made me become someone I don't recognize. I am mentally broken. And the saddest part is that she didn't even care that I did it. She left with her boyfriend whiley husband was waiting for the paramedics to get there to save me. And when she came back home, she didn't even ask him if I was ok. And somewhere in my insanity, I thought I could sacrifice myself to save her. What a joke.
I’m sorry to hear that happened. Never give up your life for attention. Please get some mental health /therapy for you. Not for your daughter or anyone else. Your daughter is grown you need to let her fly. Co-dependency which is what one of your problems seems to be is no joke. I spent 10 years with my ex’s mother who was so do-dependent on her son she threatened him all the time, withheld financial help unless he went and spent time with her. It was a terrible mess. I’m praying for you. Remember your life is worth living- a higher power gave you this life so it is not yours to take. Please take care. Edited to add - you can’t fix your daughter. You will never be able to. The only way she will change is when she hits rock bottom. You raised her and she is adult and making these bad choices. Your job is done. You are entitled to live a peaceful life. You can still love her and pray for her but at a distance. If she lives with you then tell her she needs to find a job and move out. Give her an exact date to be out and stick firm with it. I know it sounds harsh but you need peace in your life and deserve it. If she’s around you then you won’t have peace. Set boundaries.
Hugs sent your way. .. seriously. Plz look up Kris Reece. On Narcism
A lot of times it’s not us. It may be reactive abuse ❤. . Jesus loves you.
Hugs sent your way. .. seriously. Plz look up Kris Reece. On Narcism
A lot of times it’s not us. It may be reactive abuse ❤. . Jesus loves you. It’s a cycle.
I went through the exact same thing. Ended up in the psych ward for 8 days. Can no longer work a regular job so I gave up my 20 year career. Thought it was mostly my daughter’s drug addiction. Then I found out 6 months after my release that my husband is a drug addict too. We are divorced now on top of everything else. It’s been a soul crushing, life altering unholy hell, that’s for sure…
You can not save her but do you want to save yourself
Hey Amber, I have a comment on narcissistic abuse. I divorced am divorced from a covert narcissist. The information I gained from a therapist was invaluable. But I can't camp there. It's seems that people want to complain about it so people will pity them. Pity won't help me recover. My perception of people is warped because of it. I am having to learn to trust all over again. It's healthy to become aware when we have been victimized. It's unhealthy to want a monument built to it.
I love your strength and courage! Very impressive 💪🏻
Beautifully worded and explained! 🎯💯
A covert narcissist is Satan's secret weapon, they creep into your life and destroy you from within. Congrats on surviving that.
I’m totally not leaving the home I created! He’s going to leave if necessary. I’m finally old enough and have my own resources. It’s so important to have your own finances! HUGE peace of mind 🙏 Keep track of abuse and lies, get a great lawyer if needed:) ❤
I had my own business and was doing great when I met my ex. He literally destroyed and stole everything I had.
I've been away from him for 3 years and still struggling to survive because I'm left with health issues, severe depression and PTSD from that whole experience.
It's horrible 😞
WOWWWW. This is amazing. It is SPOT ON. Married 20 years to my husband who became an alcoholic 5 years ago. I have done ALL of these things and couldnt undertstand what the hell was wrong with me LOL. Thank you for these, long time subscriber.
Most addicts and alcoholics live with so much shame and guilt and they use their drug of choice to try to get away from those feelings. More guilt and shame doesn’t work.
I agree
It's a viscous circle so hard to deal with.
I had to quickly go from "why is this happening how dare you" and asking what is wrong with me to identifying that adding punitive arguments did more harm than anything. Only being honest and working towards self improvement can get you out of codependence.
And also let me say, I feel like Alanon works for some, BUT I feel all of these years later the program needs to be updated!!!!!
Yes you nailed, all true, & when you said brain changes….
From my association with addiction I had to also learn the following for my own restitution ..the biological neurological chemical process…logic/illogical side to addiction of anything..
The reality, the brains chemical factory releasing dopamine with every pleasure hit, irrespective any pleasure, even eating & perhaps at much higher than normal levels depending on the “ high “ dose ..
Done with regularity, addiction, those receptors become disregulated & need repairing .. the coming down … needs weaning to repair, balance …
The “ feel bad” process is exactly that,
If when experimental
a lab rats they will continue to pull the dopamine lever… the feel good & when deprived of dopamine the rat becomes excessively
low, looses all interest in virtually being alive, such is brain function…
Armed with the this physiology info, for some makes the process easier with decision making, meaning not take any of the process as a personal hit to oneself
And the same process in away happens for us… the highs & lows … no shame whatsoever …agree not powerless, something other become more powerful … yourself
Not scripted, straight from a beautiful heart and a sharp mind. Your motivation speaks by coming straight from a place of truth.
I hate the person I become with my 37 year old son. I turn into a raging lunatic as he drives me absolutely nuts. I am the one going insane. He lies, steals and manipulates. He threatens suicide every time things don’t go his way. He uses up police and ambulance resources all the time. I’m done, but the guilt makes me go soft and then as soon as I am nice to him he starts asking for money and so on. So I yo-yo. He brings out the worst in me. I don’t want to ever see him again for my own sanity but then guilt comes. I went through this with his father and joined Al-anon which helped so much and I decided to leave him and never regretted that decision but it’s entirely different when it’s your child.
Take a look at this video, Julie. I think it might help. It's called 4 reasons to walk away: th-cam.com/video/EE5D8U34cl4/w-d-xo.html
Julie, I really, really get your post. Logically, I know letting go instead of getting dragged is a good message. When it comes to my son…. I have no words. Mine is 33 and we’ve been in this loop on and off since he was 12. 😭
@@PhoenixRising858 prayer for yall!
The worry is worse than the drugs. No sleep, headaches and no fun!
I pray for your son Julie in the Almighty Nameof Jesus we declare Satan's hold on your boy now loose according to Matthew 18:18 and also gor yiut son Phoenix, we trust in yiu Lord to break the bandage of addiction and substance abuse and we pray for You to fill the voids of these young men and that you send your workers out to talk and work with these abducted men and free them as they turn to you Lord Jesus. Amen
I'm 65, I have never been without an active addict in my life. I came into the 12 step program 38 yrs. ago. Between the steps & other self help theories for the most part i managed pretty well. Now my 2 sons & 1 grandson, now in recovery. Put down the shovel has contributed to those changes. Focus on my recovery makes sharing with others effective.
A mother or father is only intended to paremt their child for 17 years in America. Addicts are like forever children. But they're bad, destructive, expensive, spoiled kids. Of course it's exhausting!
Ugggg the story of my life for 15 years. Got rid of him and kicked him out but it still haunts me and I'm still insane.....I hate the person I've become...
Thank you. You have been extremely helpful 🙏🏼 im finally hearing and understanding what i am experiencing with my spouse’s addiction/abuse and the toll it has taken on my own self worth and mental confidence. It’s a painful exhausting cylce constantly wishing you could “love them enough”. As a spouse you become distracted by the chaos and lose the ability or you feel guilty to love yourself. You forget what that looks and feels like as you personally feel less valued.
Im encouraged to learn more and approach it from a different angle with healthier boundaries.
I let my addicted 55 yr old brother move in with me a year ago. At least he was clean, calm and kind. It was sad to watch however. He ended up taking his life last month. I can tell you I'm glad I took him in so he at least had a nice, safe place to stay his last year rather than living on the street.
😢
This is excellent and wish I had known this 2 years ago. This is one of your best videos that has articulated the crazy, sadness, overwhelming feelings that I have been going through. The comparison is perfect. Thank you for making this video. This is the best video for any loved one that is looking for help.
I'm so glad this was helpful to you Marina!
This topic is so helpful for me today!
Admitting "defeat" would be my substitute for admitting powerlessness.
I LIKE THAT!
It's been 10 years since I walked away. The experience taught me I am codependent and I am an addiction-prone person. I cannot be around any form of recreational substances, legal or not. My "picker", my ability to detect abuse, toxic behavior, and manipulation, was damaged to an even worse state by being around this person. There have been other incidents in the years since where I was subjected to yelling, profanity, false accusations, lying from other people and all I could respond with is attempts to make them feel better, just like I did with the person before.
I have LESS ability to deal with people than before because when I'd assert a boundary I would get shouted at, insulted, threatened, everything in the book. You don't magically grow and learn from that. You learn it's better to not assert a boundary.
I feel like healthy and functional people warn each other to stay away from me. And it seems unhealthy people can detect my coldness, paranoia etc. and are the ones who will show me attention, get my trust and interest and love, and then know they've found someone they can start abusing and exploiting again.
Well-adjusted people are not seeing what I'm seeing. I am not seeing what they are seeing. We are not living in the same world. We are not in the same psychological reality.
That is so true!
I want to know when the "programming" wears off? Living with them...changes so much that even years later, I am still catching reactions/behaviors from that time that I adopted, and need to put away.
Research Bach flower remedies
Rescue remedy is a blend of 5 for shock and trauma
Then look at centaury and walnut
Very interesting
Drops in beverage or rubbed on skin
Corrects the emotional state to balance
@@kristenmarie9248try therapy and if they don’t get it then try another one. I just got my insurance and have to look into some other health issues that I didn’t have before 🙄 but I’m going to try it again next with a different doctor.
Ive made my husband my Idol. I figured this out some time ago and had to ask God to forgive me. Thanks for the insight
Blessings
I did too
And I ve been shown his imperfections
This video hit deep...i have two addicted sons and lately ive realised how addicted I am to them...Most of my relaxing time is spent thinking of how to solve it and why its happening and how much they suffer and why cant they choose the better path and what part of it i caused...Even on the good days I feel guilty...Bargaining...Ive done the worst case scenarios over and over ...to the point where I even feel that if i force rehab,I feel sorry for the pain of withdrawal they will face...Some days im an enabler ...some days i try to play God
Exactly the same my friend!! 😢😢
You're words give me hope. I'm 43 and have done nothing but relapse and get clean all of my adult life. I've done inpatient 5 times and 3 years in sober living houses. I was a house manager for 18 months. I never thought I'd go back after being clean for 3 years. Here I am again. My 19 year old son has told me to leave the past there. If he forgives me, why can't I forgive myself? I'm riddled with guilt and shame.
Give eft tapping a try TH-cam brad Yates self hatred. Needs done often but only takes 15 min. You will feel better after the first time
Thank you for sharing. I hope you find piece in your heart. Grace and forgiveness are gifts that we do not earn. Recognize them and embrace them because it will help you heal and be renewed. There is a love that surpasses all understanding and came to cleanse our hearts. Jesus came to take away the guilt and shame of our sin. And he did that by taking on the most shameful death possible: crucifixion on a Roman cross. He hung there naked, in public disgrace, exposed to the abuse of the jeering crowd. And yet he was innocent. “He endured the cross, scorning its shame” (Hebrews 12:2), so that we can be freed from all shame and live fully with him.
The one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.”
1 Peter 2:6
Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.
Hebrews 2:11
I am new here and I am so very happy I found you. You description is spot on. Unbeliveable! I have been married for over 20 yrs now but the last 5 my husband has become an addict and I have felt like I was going to loose my mind or have a heartattck over the stress and anger. I am a shell of what I use to be. I have been so depressed that I had my Dr double my antidepressants. He has made me doubt everything in about myself. His kids tell me I am co-dependent but I don't think so. I am just a woman in love with her first love and not wanting to give up on him. My son recently OD a couple of weeks ago. He was my only child and now he is gone. My husband has yet allowed me to process and grieve. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for making these videos.
My prayers are with you. I too have last my only child to addiction. My spouse also doesn't let me grieve because of his addiction. I've had to separate myself from him or I was going to lose my mind. You can do it. I'm not saying it's easy, but it does get better. I have some peace now and can think better and the stress has lighten up. ❤
Thanks Amber, so deeply helpful as always - I've started Al-Anon for families. Step 1 is a good place for me to start, and agree with your points about the word "powerless".
I see that as I had become powerless due to being in a relationship with an addict, and that the chaos was unmanageable.. But now I'm taking back power to make my life better.
You got this!
Thank you so much for this video. I’m so addicted to my alcoholic husband. I’m slowly trying to break it and become my old self while helping him. It’s a daily battle for me. However I keep trying.
I get what your saying so much about being addicted to someone,but we do it out of love and forever hoping they can stop and become "normal"again.sending love to you it's so so hard.
Same here. If I tell him positive things, he turns on it. He does something silly. He is going to methadone dr. His first month was awesome. Then he got back on using. He says no, ha he is. We go everyday at 3: 30 we leave takes us over an hour. Then another hr to get him to work on time. We would let him drive, he gets sleepy and it's too much. We meet him 30min from his work so he could drive from there. It's so stressful!
@@tonimarroy1290 that sounds so stressful. I hate that your going through that. It’s hard living with a addict
Radical acceptance it's a horrible disease . Keep yourself safe you deserve respect.
You can't help him. That's part of the con. When your in a close relationship with an alcoholic or drug user, you are simply a means for them to feed their habit.
This has been so insightful and helpful thank you. I have been on both sides of addiction and you’re absolutely right it’s worse watching a loved one go through it. I have been clean from heroin for 11 years now. I’m currently watching my boyfriend battle alcohol addiction and it’s so hard. I come at it with deep understanding and patience because I have been there but at the same time I want to strangle him lol! Right now he is on a bender and I haven’t seen him in 3 days but now he’s texting me he wants to come home.
WOW!! 11years ...that's amazing ! You are a super hero !! 💪 one day at a time.
You are preaching today, Ashley. So, Amen! 👍 I feel like a hot mess.
Lol it's Amber 😆😇
I needed this. Im at the detachment process. I knew if he wouldn't change, that I had to. thank you* xo
Wow, my addicts is finally living on his own in a boarding house still drinking.but I find myself still calling him and checking on him to see if he is ok..your correct iam just as addicted as he is.thankyou so much for your insight and truth
@Buffy - I'm so sorry to hear what you're experiencing. If you ever read this, I hope that you're ok and in a good place. I hope your children can reach the state of recovery.
The saddest part for me with this conversation, and I’m crying as I say, this is how sick this woman is how sick this piece of shit drug addict made her. I’m pissed my daughters dead my husband is dead and I don’t deserve to feel like the shitty one. 😢😢
What if you’ve never knew the person as a non-alcoholic person? My husband was an alcoholic when I met him. He’s improved some by has never quit like I really dream he would.
👋 Amber, thank you for explaining this. i am having horrible problems trying to get sympathy from friends who just don't understand how I can be so crazy broken after a 3 year relationship ended 2 months ago. I am completely broken, and trying to pick the pieces of me together, but it's crazy how nobody understands and just tell you : oh but he's not worth it, you should have seen it coming
I never had the courage to leave..he's passed now but I'm damaged..anxiety extreme anger and deep regret..all those wasted years
Read " women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. Relationship addiction is just as bad
😮
And thank you. I was feeling like I was going crazy, acting a fool with his phone and up his butt about what he was doing where he was.... I was like WTF. Then I saw a video, and this one today, that explained it and I felt so much better.
I’m so glad this was helpful, msladyluck!
A /son is an addict, 23 yrs, all of your words I have lived. Still live , get u, I'm tired, 62 and no life but worry...I am glad a person told me of your utube videos!! Thank you 🙏🏻
Hi Carol, Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here💌
Your insight is incredibly accurate.
Decades ago a partner was an addict. It was extremely exhausting Sadly through my own childhood/ teenage trauma and his influence I too became an addict. I am 13 years clean and Happy that I'm free from it all. You have to do an incredible amount of inner work on yourself with radical honesty.. its painful but worth it. There is no other way.
Listening now This help me so much more with some things I already knew But I have still struggling going nuts for 6yrs now with my partner Lord Jesus Help Me Thnx for sharing I'm not alone. Chg iL.
Im here because my brother becomes meth addict, I'm heartbroken. So this is how it feels like when you have loved one who is drug addict. I want to help my brother to go rehab but is just I can't afford it. This feeling I have right now is just eating me everyday
Hi Jeny, Here is a link to download a free copy of my treatment options guide. It explains all the options including free ones. www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/motivational-interviewing-session-1
You open my eye about myself and I am going to get Thur this thank you so much
When i started getting better and picked myself out of that cycle of his Rollercoaster, he started accusing me of cheating on him and now he uses that as a reason for his addiction getting worse
It is a road that once started cannot be righted. It will eventually lead to separation and the faster you realize, prepare, and work on yourself, the better off you will be. Life is too short to waste it on someone who does not feel the same way about you as you do them.
Same, wow..
I’m only 8 minutes in and this is spot on. I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend and I feel like a shell of a person. I’ve lost myself. This gives me hope. Thank you
Sending you hugs, Maddiee! 🤗🤗🤗
I get tired of being angry. Angry that the addict faces little consequences for the actions, pain, suffering they have caused. People will say, well they are the addict and they do face consequences......maybe lose family, spouse, Well that is not enough. Having to face there is nothing you can do, as if the addict injected you with terminal cancer, is beyond frustrating. Sorry, my spouse in rehab and angry at being shut out. Oh, as far as the 12 steps program..you say they seem to talk in code....as an outsider who is not familiar it comes across like a cult, and honestly it is more scary that encouraging.
🤲 it feels like waiting on the side lines for the last 11 years for my life to continue, since my son started his addictions
I tried to help my daughter. She tried to exit my car while I was driving. I reacted and reach across the passenger side and cut her nose. She put me in jail and she is trying to prosecute me. All I have done for the last 10 years was to help her. I spent a lot money bailing her out of jail gave her a place to stay. She tried to have me commit last year. Addictions really makes them evil
My partner has a cocaine addiction and i cant believe i waited 15 years just to realize he will never stop ... now i have to break my family up just to save my son from seeing his father live his life of addiction... i m so tired of feeling emotional knowing iam slowly watching my partner destroy himself health wise ... trying to tell myself in the long run , leaving and stopping the enabling will save him .... 😢
My 50 year daughter and 47 year old son are about to kill themselves by drinking until they are not breathing. They are educated smart and attractive adults. I am the one who is totally crazy at this point. I am trying to learn from these videos.
Yea I've been with my husband almost 11 yrs...the drug addition, drug induced paranoia, in and out of jail, mental abuse, narcissistic behavors....I'm exhausted and have finally had enough. but yea i dont even know who i am anymore....
Currently my husband is an addict. I have given up basically. I don’t want to deal with this. Won’t get help. I avoid him as much as possible bcuz I can’t bear to see him high. I know what I need to do, but we’ve been married 31yrs this yr. I’m afraid for him. One reason I have stayed. I’m so confused and angry. Idk how to leave. I’ve tried everything. He threatens unaliving himself if I leave..
How do you talk to a good friend whose 18 year old son is an addict but they continue to enable him?
You keep saying “both sides” and I think that’s where I struggled. I left.
25 years married to an alcoholic. He gets up and goes to work every day but at 7 pm every single night he cracks open a tin of beer and cloaks off being a parent or a husband. He is controlling, jealous and resentful of every thing I do . I am in the process of planning my escape . It is going to be very difficult and I have to completely start all over again but I know eventually it will all be for the best 🙏🏻
It’s very hard for me to be nice to the AH after being cut down so much. If I mention anything about the addiction or the pain it causes me he down plays it and then turns it around on me. I don’t like him at all so how do I get past not wanting to be nice?
Same. I am so stressed. Plus lost all respect for him. I get mean. He calls me crazy. I call him a loser. Its toxic.
I kicked him out last week.
I am exhausted, I am at the point that I am just hopeless and better to be distant and cold my husband does one step forward and then 10 back… looks like he just doesn’t care at all… it is really exhausting I feel so unhappy, I am grateful that I have a little girl to focus on instead of him… and the gaslighting during and to be able to binge is horrible
Amber, I had to pause the video to write this: Thank you, with all my heart! I've watched your videos since last weekend and I really have to stop myself not to binge watch every video. Some of the things you say I've figured out over time - but you have really opened my eyes in some ways. I've made the mistake of emotionally distancing myself from my husband while setting boundaries. Thanks to your videos I've softened a lot, without my boundaries being stepped on and in return it's helping him to calm down and think. We've still got a long journey ahead of us but the more I learn about addiction and everything that comes with it the more I am able to manage my own ego ( for example, not getting angry or offended if he's lying because it is a symptom). I'm far from perfect - he still sometimes gets to me so bad that I turn into a crazy person, which I'm not proud of.
Do you have a video about what to do when someone threatens to harm himself to get what he wants?
Hi Ari. Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here 💖 Take a look at this video, it's on that topic. th-cam.com/video/LdiUludA4Fw/w-d-xo.html
I can relate sister got a Grandma and her son my Father both are alcoholics died in alcoholism. To put it simply living with them is like Hell on Earth they are like the personalities of Dr Jekyll and Hyde k!
Missed the live, but the same message I heard from a therapist I was seeing a few years ago. You explained it way better though - the part about being addicted to them. I have realized the parallels between his bargaining and my bargaining. Eye opening. Thanks for all the helpful info you share Amber.
Thanks Robins. Glad it was helpful
My partner may be going to prison and I feel relieved. I also feel guilty for feeling like that but I am stuck with him and his addiction and it’s killing me.
Another factor told me by a once raging heroin addict… living with the parent relationship… her mother seeing her passed out & needles left uncapped, the mum nor the dad said none more than oh dear … helped her to bed & put needles away, no retribution & bad vibes, no name calling shame … so no low self esteem… as society dictates shame.. She the addict said nothing to feed on, over time became pointless habit, a few yrs she ditched habit herself, welcomed back like no thing happened much like the old Indian philosophy
Today has been a ruff day with my husband always tell me it my and he he hates me start listening to you made me realize what I need to do with myself and I'm going to do that I'm going to work myself cuz I know what I want once again I just wanted to tell you thank you
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it 38:22 38:24 😊
Today's been a long day I look at myself in the mirror and they see bruises on me totally different person it's not the man that I married when he's on drugs I love him a lot with all my heart but you made me realize what I need to do and own up to my responsibilities so you open my eyes and made me realize what I need to do and I know I'll get through it
I gotta get my sister to watch this show.
I realise my church gets people adicted. I just realised this watching this ONE Video!
All I can say is THANK GOD for you!! You are an absolute genius and have helped me SO much 😭🙏💖
Wow! Thank you 😁😁😁💓💓
I just finally left my boyfriend unmonitored at his mothers and he relapsed. He needs constant energy from me
It’s sad to admit this, but as a child Inwent to my dads AA meetings with him. I still remember them lol but as an adult who found myself with an alcoholic, I completely lost my mind. I’m pretty traumatized, bc he wasn’t necessarily a physically abusive drunk, he was verbally abusive. Just the most hurtful things was said to me that cut me to my core. And would then say the next day he never said that etc I got so confused and then I started getting really angry and lashing out. I got over my own addiction issues with opiates, so I know it literally comes down to your either done with your drug or choice or you ain’t. You have to hate the consequences more than the high. Idk why I commented, just wanted to say thanks for the video.
Thanks for helping us understand the insanity, and that we are not alone.
Oh yes the classic Craig Beck story about the safe. He thought he could get rid of the cravings by putting the wine in a time lock safe that would only unlock for fifteen minutes a day.
He would sit in front of the safe saying "C'mon 7pm. I can't wait for the safe to unlock itself".
Eventually he decided that it was just easier to drive to the liquor store at 6:30 pm to get his bottle of wine. Perhaps he would get back in time to open the safe. Perhaps not. It did not matter either way as long as he had access to the car to drive to the liquor store.
I used to be both. I.got a divorce and im free
I needed this, this morning! It’s amazing, I’ve never heard it like this…I’m a mama to an addicted/alcoholic daughter that making me loose my mind. I lost her sister in 2017 to the same thing…so going through this again ….let’s just say I needed this! 🤪 Thank you!😘🙏🏼🌺
You are so welcome, Marilyn ❤️
Its hell when the addict is a complete narcissist. You yhen are dealing with additional issues.
I feel like there is like a ribbon or some kind of connection, I know when things are bad for him I can just feel it. that is hard to ignore but getting better at it i guess.
Powerlessness is only mentioned once in the 12 steps because when you first come into the program your life is so unmanageable and everything you’ve tried on your own has failed royally and you feel like you have no power over the addiction. It was originally created by Dr Bob and Bill W about cravings. Next steps 2-12 are about empowering yourself and learning that you are not powerless that your life will become manageable if you surrender yourself to others for help do these things we suggest-
It has been 31 years of dealing with an addicted spouse. I don't even know who I am anymore. I lost both my parents last year and I haven't even been able to grieve over that lost due to all the drinking. I just feel broken. 🖐🖐
I am so sorry about the loss of your parents 💔 My beloved papa passed about a year and a half ago, and it still doesn't even seem REAL because yes, I have been completely consumed by this relationship and trying to play near constant damage-control. May we BOTH someday be able to breathe, to relax, to actually GRIEVE!! My love to you from Michigan 💜💛💙
@@melissacorwin8277 Thank you for the kind words it means so much, especially knowing you sadly are dealing with this as well. My heart goes out to you.
I have turned into a stone and when I look into the mirror I don’t recognise myself anymore
Ugh, I remember when I obsessed over this. With work and self care, I have completely detached myself from this toxic addiction to the addict.
It's such a free feeling. I can not control anything he does. And life is too short to try to convince yourself otherwise.
Would you please share the things you did to help yourself detach
@@TheLisajoyce
Lisa
I to am where you are. I pray and read God's read first thing every morning, make my bed, fix myself breakfast and I've noticed I start my day with peace and courage to handle what life throws at me better. I feel more in control over my emotions. You can raise above this. Blessings to you my friend.
Trying to do this
Spouse also has A D D and traumatic brain injury
It calls in all my caregiving instincts
Very hard to navigate
This is me right now. We have been off and on 11yrs due to his drug addiction.
Your so awesome. Thank you for opening up my mind with so many things about addiction. Alcohol took my wife. I understand now that it was her addiction that change her. I know that now. She was always the sweetest person. I never lost sight of that! I knew it was the drinking. I never gave up on her! It really is baffling and cruel addiction!
Wow. This literally describes my relationship with my ex girlfriend. I was obsessed with trying to help her see her addiction (when I started to see it) and absolutely lost myself. That’s when I found this channel. Thanks so much for this information. Feeling so much better since I ended the relationship and distanced myself.
Do you ever have videos that help the addict understand the family member and the trauma the addiction has caused - It seems so heavy on what we can do to support the addict - The only thing we can do for the addict is look after ourselves and work on ourselves. Most of the family members have been abused by the addict, goodness we also have nothing left to give. So much pressure
The most loving thing a parent can do for the sibling who is not an addict is get them into therapy yesterday. Living with an addict is a daily trauma. And, Amber, you said it, the addict’s willingness to break every single person’s heart in their family does have logical consequences. My daughter is 31 and texted me at 6:59 am today, in complete rage her parents did neglect her needs because the addicts in her family dominated the whole family’s existence. There was no joy or relaxation or focus on her when she was a teen. We all have deep ptsd. And every phone call after 10pm still scares me because it could be the call he od’d.
🤚🤚God bless you, Amber. Thank you for continuing to share your wisdom. I am a recovering addict alcoholic almost 6 months sober, living with an active addict. I have been obsessing over my husband's addiction and I am trusting your advice even when I struggle to implement i!!! The struggle is real!!! Thank you for your good, true and strong advice!! Pressing on patiently with hope for self improvement❤🙏🏼
Hats off to YOU! Nailed both aspects of a an Alcoholic/ Codependent Relationship. Two sides of the same coin.
Thank you so very much, as I’m having an epiphany of my past- present - and future. From my Father to my current romantic relationship, at the age of 54 yrs. I’m a therapist, was an Intake Worker at a drug/alcohol rehab, teacher, event marketer, and sales specialist, plus CEO of a manufacturing company. I’ve been familiar and intermittently active within Alateen, Alanon, SLA, Coda, Narcissitic Abuse Survivor, and a continuous. Life long curiosity / learning, constant.
The puzzle pieces that we fill, mark the complexity Alcoholism.. It’s a “Family Disease”, however we define Family. The only disease where the carrier of the disease, expresses the effects and symptoms though those that do not carry the disease of alcoholism. It is crazy and mind ending, concerning the reconditioning, boggling…reconditioning our addiction raised childhood, multi generational, and conditioned behavior training.
Time to learn and relearn it all over again. Daily Maintenance keeps Codependency Manageable. ♥️🤗❣️
Why does this continue even after they stopped drinking? My dh has been sober 5 months and all the dysfunction still exists. I am going to Al anon but he is not in a 12 step program. And I can’t control his recovery but he almost mocks mine. Was supportive at first now its back to normal silent treatment, projection and anger.
Often alcoholism is blamed for pre-existing issues. Sometimes it makes it worse. Sometimes it masks it.
My alcoholic passed away…. But you’re making me so aware of how he damaged me and I damaged myself.
I appreciate the knowledge you impart.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You're so welcome, Patricia! I'm glad these videos are helping you💖
Mines as well left me feeling really guilty angry an traumatized as well
Someone in Alanon explained that "in my current condition"I'm powerless... because I'm crazy too😅
The movie "Four Good Days" is absolutely incredible. It's with Glenn Close as a mom with an addicted daughter. Good guideline for healthy boundaries.