Drawing the Line: How To Stop Enabling Someone Else's Alcoholism/Addiction
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 มิ.ย. 2024
- Many of us want to help our loved ones struggling with alcohol addiction, but it's essential to draw the line between helping and enabling. Even if you're not giving money or housing to your alcoholic/addicted loved one, you could be enabling. Watch this video to learn the difference between helping and enabling. It could mean the difference between your loved one finding recovery or continuing to fall into the destruction of addiction.
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You know what my husband told me this morning?? "This is non sense, I am just tired of drinking, it's high time to give up. I am putting my career and family on the line, my health is so so bad". He has been taking major action steps since the past 1 month and is changing his PPP. He said " I will conquer this, I just need you to be with me".
Amber I can't thank you enough. In just a few months this has happened. I was stuck in the bad guy role for 2 years. Just your videos made this happen. You're the face of the God for me. I have literally begged God to help me for 2 years and then I found you. I am able to connect with my husband so much. We laugh together, eat together, go out together, he loves and respects me, he listens to me, and also apologizes to me. I am able to understand what addiction really is, and it is a whole new ball game. Thank you once again ❤❤
Shristi, you’ve made my day with this comment. I’m even a little teary eyed while reading it. I’m so proud for you both!!
Wow this is what I’m praying for.
But if you have kids and you rely on spouse to make the house run I feel it’s impossible to not be in bad guy role
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You just lifted a brick if the heaviest guilt for being blamed and hated for stepping away from the roller coaster tornado ride. Thank you for sharing your much needed insights, roadmaps to codependency/alanon recovery are so helpful.
Hilarious how your doggie barked perfectly when you asked the question, “Guess whose fault it is that they are homeless? Bark Bark Bark!!!!”
You ignored the barking.
Spot on!!!
Your mentoring program-can we clone you?
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Basically you are asking for us to remove OUR egos in the midst of their totally inflated ego. The ego being the part that defends, criticizes, blames and shames. This makes a whole lot of sense. I am applying your videos to my son (no alcohol involved, but lots of ego/protection going on so he can’t see that he’s causing so much conflict in our family.) I’m getting my husband to view it from a different angle. 🤞🏻 this works… I know that just buckling down and using parent imposed consequences and controlling more has NOT worked, it has exacerbated it 100x worse. But when I connect with my son and give him grace and also don’t take his bait, that’s when I start to see shifts on his end. ❤
I recommend you to go to an Al Anon meeting.
It's been so many years of this ..the hurt runs deep
So...they have to run out of people to blame! I totally get it!!!! Thank you.❤
Spot on, Cyndi!
My husband got arrested for DUI (first time he ever went to jail). I refused to bail him out. He went into withdrawals while in jail and died 3 days later in jail. That was 20 years ago, and I still haven’t gotten over the guilt of that.
You didn't cause it, you couldn't have controlled it and you couldn't have cured it. We who love alcoholics just don't have that kind of power. It's not healthy for us to stand between a loved one and the consequences of their addiction, it only prolongs the inevitable. Adults need to be given the grace and dignity of living their lives, even if WE are not ok with how they do it. Help is not always helpful.
I stopped nagging forever ago and he still comes for me trying to argue with me ALL THE TIME over anything and everything. Just to try very hard to make me the bad guy. He’s always stomping around upset over the smallest things. My fav thing is the “you’re not fun anymore and you suck the joy out of everything.”
My first time listening. You’re echoing what an amazing addiction specialist I met with taught me. I’m not feeling so angry and betrayed by my husband. The best thing a family member can do is give their situation a new approach even if it helps themselves first. That’s where I’m at. I appreciate you!
Thank you so much for your sweet feedback. Welcome to our little community!
I did no more Mr. Bad Guy! It was helpful and made me feel better that I was doing something positive for my addicted loved one. 💖🙏
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After 4 years fighting the addiction of my loved one, I had to give up and now I left him. I am heartbroken but I started to loose myself. He blamed me, manipulated me, didn’t see the pain he caused with his behaviors, denied his bad behaviors, he thought he could manage it in his own way. I really tried to not be the bad person but he would be so mean, told me I was not doing things to support him, confused me so I didn’t know what to do to do right to him. I couldn’t get through to him…
I'm happy for you.
That's one of the best choices you've ever made in your life.
Move on, live, love. LIVE.
You CAN'T save anybody who won't save themselves.
You CAN, however, save yourself, from this toxic black hole that sucked in everything positive out of you, every speckle of light.
So once again, we'll done
How are you now? Same here it's been two weeks of me loving.myself more
@catheleinerossborough284
How are you now?
I am going through something very similar. I have four kids w my husband. We have been together for 18 yrs. Four years ago he started doing drugs. He has changed completely. I tried leaving last summer. A week later I was back. It was okay for a few weeks then he got worse. He claims to love us but it's like his addiction takes over completely. I am going to leave. I have been a stay at home mom and now have to work and get on my own. This is the hardest thing I have had to do. I love him but need to think about my kids. They don't deserve this.
tx, I understand, because I been living it, thinking the whole time. I am in line with what you said early in the video. I probably would have not learned or understood any other way. My son is breaking out of denial, coming out of the worst of times. I pray a lot. Road still look like forever but we seem to be moving. Wish I could afford an inpatient, a good one. Thanks again, your helping people.
Ruminating and retaliating against me-the only ‘monster,’ with his addiction thang. I’m working my healthier boundary requirements rather abruptly. He’s forced to act differently. 👍🏽🌎🕊🌀💙
Thank You Amber and team.
I'm right there with you!! It's wicked hard to be consistent when you spouse or adult child knows exactly how to manipulate your "weak" spots but stay strong!
We all fail at this from time to time (some of us more than others lol) but the more you keep at it, and the longer you keep at it, it does get a little easier.
Sadly when they need a fix they'll resort to almost anything cuz their brain isn't functioning rationally. We can understand that WITHOUT giving into it!! Stay strong and know you're not alone! ❤
Replay.. and absolutely. I’ve been the bad guy for a long time. After listening to you.. I will no longer be that for my loved one. Thank you
Hi Amber, I just found your channel and have been binge watching your videos. My husband has been an alcoholic for over 10 years. I used to be very cold and distant from my husband when it came to his drinking because he gets very mean. I've been trying the "Nice Guy" approach but it doesn't seem to change anything. He keeps bringing up negative experiences from his past, whether it's childhood trauma or when I was being cold towards his alcoholism and he doesn't seem to see past any of that. I know he would benefit from therapy, but he refuses every and all forms of treatment, even medical. He also has extreme physical pain and uses alcohol to self medicate, "it's the only thing that helps his pain." He doesn't work because of his physical pain, so I financially provide for us. He seems aware that it's a problem and always says it's the last bottle or he's going to change, but the cycle keeps repeating itself. I feel very hopeless...
Wow you could be describing my life except my husband does drink and drugs but the drink is only cos of the drugs.as u say brings up past bad experiences etc ,we are both in second marriage so have kids grown up from previous .such a nice person when sober but I really don't like him when he's under the influence its so sad and heartbreaking isn't it .we can see what we could do to help them but they won't let us.
So glad you share these videos. They are really helpful.
Too late for us - wish we’d met you earlier - still will watch - am learning as the mother of a 35 yr who passed 8 months ago from alcoholism 😢
This makes so much sense!
Amber's no more mr. bad guy challenge reminds me of the Love Dare. It's a book and I think it's also a movie.
I’ve never heard of it. I’ll have to check it out!
I treasure the knowledge you share! Changing my life ❤
So glad! 💖💖
Thank you Amber for what you do, I always play your videos all the time even the one I watched before just to refresh me when times get tough .. You don’t know how much you’re helping me to get a different mindset about addiction and hopefully will get my husband to chose family over substance abuse.
THANK YOU ❤ you’re a source of Hope & Strength
I hope I can hug you right now
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Hi Amber ,, a very good start to 2024 , well ,, l agree with you . Living on the street I used to call “” going public “ they didn’t care by then and as you say it’s difficult to stop it as it’s gone past denial. Communication is almost impossible. My neighbours would be concerned as they had seen her passed out on the sidewalk/pavement and ask me to check on her ,, I couldn’t say no to these requests . With the aid of a taxi , I’d sweep her off the street asap . I always felt I’d become “”involved “ once asked . I never considered this as enabling,, it just calmed my neighbours and my nerves.
So interesting. Learning so much. Thanks.....
So glad, this was helpful to you, Debbie
I think you’re super cool Amber and I love your origin story!!!😄. I loved the no more bad guy challenge too!
Awwww thanks 😊
I feel like the opposite happened for me. I tried so hard to show up differently, be accommodating, etc. as my husband was pulling away from me. He’s addicted to cannabis. He walked out on his family for another woman. I enabled him for way too long and he was building another life. Now I will be holding him accountable through divorce. I didn’t want to but I allowed myself to be manipulated for far too long. I was so kind, accommodating and patient as he pulled away hoping he would choose his family. All while blaming me for all of his problems.
I’m so sorry. I know how painful this is.
WOW, so true. Connection is more powerful 😮😅
But Amber I love your accent, and your smile and warm personality so that’s very cool 😁
Oh thank you!😊
I could see how a person could get used to living on the street. The reality is that everyone looses objectivity once they've been in a situation long enough because we build brain pathways in our current circumstances that we become used to living in. I've been thinking about that lately as I've been in my current old home for three years. In the beginning I recongnized that the house needed a lot of upgrades that I'd have to save money for to get the house looking the way I'd like it to. Now, I've learned to accept certain things about the house I previously wouldn't have accepted. The house has become my home with all it's quirky problems. Not just the last person house with problems.
We were told by a recovering addict NOT to just give an addict money to “help with bills” but to pay the bill directly. Are you saying not to do that?
So interesting!
Glad you think so!
You are cool and you have so awesome accent😍
Thank you! 😃
Agreed 200 percent !
I accidentally did this with an old boyfriend years ago. Didn’t know he had a drug habit when we started dating, so just politely sat by as he used. After we’d been dating for a few weeks he just plain stopped using, no fuss, no muss.
I think I got this Amber thank you so much you just told a lady something about a video that could be sent or a text to somebody that is trying to get better how would I go about doing that with you? Thank you you're awesome
I would love 2 be a member.
My partner lost her children to a violent malignant narcissist. I'm not saying she did not have some drinking problems but she was never violent towards her childre. An accusation he made against her. I have been through detox with her with and without Valium. Next week we will try Naltrexone
Im at the end of my rope. Thank you for your commitment to the people we love. Mark Australia
? How do you get the family unit to work together in unison to help the family member with substance abuse disorder?
My loved one is already at the point now of accepting the homeless and hungry state of life as his norm. What can we do now? anything? He seems to have lost all of the guidance and expectation of himself that has been core to our family culture his whole life. I'm trying to just love him as is and continue to offer him routes to changing his circumstances, but he lost hope that he can ever get a job now. He is awake and trying to interact with people that have businesses and other homeless and citizens in a positive way it seems, making the best of it, but now we both don't know how to get out of where he is now.
I’ve had a lot of experience with alcohol and drug addiction from both sides of the fence. I think I have a lot of knowledge to share .what steps do I need to take to become a counciler?
He doesn't think he has a problem because he drinks half as much as he did when he was younger. It's still not helpful for our marriage, finances, health, etc. I don't really see consequences hitting him.
I agree with all of your techniques, and have implemented them, but I am impatient and fairly pessimistic.
I myself am sober eight months and trying to not be that recovering one that wants to shake the other guy who isn't feeling like changing. Just venting.
I'm sure it's extra hard to watch his continued drinking when you're trying to be sober yourself.
Thumbs up👍🏼
How should I approach my homeless son who I'm not sure is using lesser drugs or hard ones for sure? I will be looking for him when I move closer to where he is and it's been ten years excluding jail online visits. I want to take him to a Functional Pschiatrist to help him naturally as I have Celiac Disease and so might he. He needs testing badly. I can't just offer his a cheap trailer and land if his is using illegle drugs as he could lose the property I could help him with. The law can take it if he is doing illegle drugs on the property.
How do you approach a sibling that is lying and totally in the fog about their addiction to pain pills? I hear excuses, pity stories, and flat out lies. Trust is the biggest issue with me.
Hi Lailasalli, Here's a video on that topic: It's called "How To Get An Addict Our Of Denial: th-cam.com/video/pX_B_PEK0uA/w-d-xo.html
Yes .. ☝️
How do I have my son sign up for 30day jump start texts?
I recently started dating my co worker. I had no idea he had a problem with alcohol. I would have a glass of wine and he would have a beer. He feel off the wagon and now is in a hotel drinking and is in danger of loosing his job. Is this where he has to loose his job?
😮 yep
What is the recovery app you mentioned ?
It’s called Loosid
Loosid
How should I go about helping a loved one that suffered trauma in his childhood to see that he’s loved and valued? Because he has his “piece of junk” father’s words running through his head everyday. He heard dad’s words so much so that those words have become his own words. Things like, “You’re so stupid.”, and “You won’t ever be successful in life.” That’s at the root of why he’s the way he is. He’s so far from what his father told him for most of his life.
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Oh I am so grateful I belong to attics of moms and several others I'm very codependent I'm so grateful that I have found you somebody put your name in one of the comments and I looked you up you're awesome I just don't know if I can ask you questions or speak with you if I'm not a member yet I'm sorry I'm just confused but I'm really going through a really tough time my son is incarcerated and he's really having a tough time his dad was an alcoholic and a drug user which he is not now he is sober and remarried but he is completely shut out my son because he has such a hard time being clean and sober it is broken my son bad and I just need some help you're great you're awesome I hope I I can join and you can help me through this I'm disabled and I have a hard time getting out it seemed like a super awesome counselor and I hope that it's okay that I ask you things please let me know may you be blessed always as you are blessing others with your words and help 🙏
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Hi Amber, when Steve shows up at my door after months of him being with another woman due to them using meth and of course would be having sex. He is known to just show up. How do I react when I have all this anger towards him? I know he’s the addict not true individual so what I say won’t absorb into his brain he is 55 still blames me for everything. Yea I had to ask him to leave after ten years of his drug use. But going to this other woman has stopped the consequences as it’s given him a place to stay. There is no trust as he’s lied cheating stolen. So a lot to repair. And I know I can’t blurt it all out to him when he just shows up. So what can I say that is empathetic but not also giving him the impression I forgive him and how he has treated me is ok????
I would just say something like "I know this has been hard on you too, and I just know you're going to figure this out. But right now, I still need some time to heal"
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you x
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??? My daughter is an addict and said she would come by at Christmas time. She ghosted me and haven’t heard from her in a few weeks. I’m hurt and her birthday is coming up. My hurt wants to not reach out and just send a card. Me as a mom wants to take her some goodies and see her for her birthday. 🤷🏼♀️
She's probably avoiding you because she knows she dissapointed you at Christmas. I think trying to do something nice for her birthday, might break the wall down.
Perhaps changing up your/my attached emotions would serve us better and be healthier for our own psyches. If I don’t engage/identify with being a ‘hurt-victim,’ and keep grounded, it’ll serve everyone better. At the various holidays this year, I didn’t get together with my adult son once. He’s trashed so many with alcohol abuse-I wasn’t doing it again. He’s 40 yo‼️😵Meal reservations, huge holiday food preparations, high dollar thoughtful gifts-pawned, NC ballet performance no shows…🤷♀️🥶🙆♀️
@@BeegirlsHoneyHouse my daughter is 21. I did take her not stopping by personally. I’ve been working on emotional distancing from her, but the holidays were different. I need some realistic expectations. You know what “they” say… addicts only lie when they’re talking”.
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you, I will do the kind thing and remind her she is loved. 🥰
@@HappyDW I understand what you’re feeling and she’s younger. Years of additional abuse and substances have made my son very emotionally abusive and manipulative. I’m 60, struggling financially, divorced and in sketchy health~the reserves are depleted. Wishing you comfort discernment, wisdom, peace and patience.🕊🌀🦋💙🌎🫶🏼
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Ive given up on helping addicts . Now Im waiting for Amber to do "Only fans" next! 😂
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I AM REAL CURIOUS IF ALL THIS YOU TALK ABOUT ALSO APPLIES TO THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED ADDICT? BC WE'RE ALREADY DEALING WT THE ABNORMAL WAY OF DOING THINGS? 😢 I'VE TRIED MANY YEARS OF GETTING HELP FOR MY LOVED ONE, WHAT USUALLY WORKS FOR OTHERS DON'T APPLY IN MY SITUATION.
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please Amber could you speak a little less fast What you say is so important ! I want to process But Your speech is so fast I think I am not fluent in english anymore ans I live in London and work in english but OMG with you especially this video I have watched 20 of you but this one is hard to follow
Sorry about that! Did you know you can turn on captions and also you can slow down the audio speed. You just have to click the settings (gear) icon,
I stepped out of the bad guy role- Al-anon helped me too with that. And the last time my hubby did crack he finally could see and said he now sees it's him, his thinking is messed up. His self-pity and insecurities are all in his mind. Your videos are helping us so much Amber, ❤🫶🏼🙏🏼thank you!, even though I'm the only one working them.
It makes me so happy to hear success stories like this. Thank you so much for taking the time to post it here. Other people might not realize what a big role you played in helping get him out of denial, but I do! I've giving you all the credit. 😉🤩
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Hi Renee. I'm excited that you're interested in participating in our new challenge. If you're not already a member and you'd like to join, you can use this code at checkout to get a discount (cancel anytime). Code 👉🏻JOIN
Here's the link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/hff-membership
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I'm excited that you're interested in participating in our new challenge. If you're not already a member and you'd like to join, you can use this code at checkout to get a discount (cancel anytime). Code 👉🏻JOIN
Here's the link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/hff-membership