Trying to figure out what others do and how they react to your genuine friendship is exhausting. Either they want you in their lives or they do not have the capacity to take on you as a person who is important to them. Moving on is liberating and part of the journey.
True. I've moved on now but in the moment it was still hurtful and confusing. I try not to think about it, because then my mind starts to wander into the "what if" and "what happened" again.
@@KevenTalks the what if and what happened are on him. Yes is hurtful but you have to much to offer to waste your time on him. Wish him well and move on.
You’re wonderful the way you express yourself. You’re own answers help move you and others move through day to day craziness. Keep expressing yourself. Don’t worry about what others think we all have so much baggage. You really can’t know who you’re trying to get to know. You will never have all the pieces of their puzzle and they your puzzle. Fitting together at the moment is all that can matter in relationships or friendships. Starting off with truthfulness and honesty will build strong relationships and friendship. It works or it doesn’t You can analyze yourself to death always be ready to move forward life is short. Be happy and adventurous eventually the pieces to your puzzle will make a beautiful picture that you will totally understand.
I love this, you're right! Honesty and truth are how it should always start, with any kind of relationship. If it doesn't, not worth psychoanalyzing (as I tend to do...)
The over analysing hit close to home lol. We’re about the same age and it’s kinda crazy as in some parts I feel like I’m watching myself when I watch your videos, and it’s great as I’m learning more about my own personality as well through that. Maybe it’s the French heritage 🙈 I hope you find more people that are on the same wavelength as you around
The older I've gotten the more I realize that if, at any given moment, I have two or three close friendships, I'm rich. By close I mean friends with whom we can say share anything, and who know if the other needs help it'll be offered. Some of these friends are people I may not communicate with for months or years at a time, but I know when I do it will be as no time passed at all. Everyone else is an acquaintance of varying degree. They may be people with whom you share an interest, or whose company you enjoy, but unless or until what I described above is true, they are really just acquaintances. Anyway, that's one man's perspective.
I agree - the sad part though is that I believed he was that one person for me here in Miami. So as long as I had his friendship, I felt comfortable not necessarily having many others, if that makes sense. I was wrong...
@@KevenTalks Maybe he felt like you were being too dependent on him for your social life needs and realized he doesn't really want to be that close to you. But even then, he didn't really need to distance himself that far.
@@winnmatthews That could be part of it. But when he told me all of this, we hadn't spoken or seen each other in weeks. So kind of dramatic distancing, right? Lol
@@KevenTalks Lol, right. Yeah, idk, maybe he sensed some pressure from you somehow and reacted that way, backing away dramatically, but he may have just perceived things inaccurately.
I've lived in THREE different states...None of my "gay friendships" worked out....As a matter of fact, I do not have any gay friends and I'm not pressed about it....It always gets complicated for no reasons...Like the other guys always have a hidden agenda , either something sexual or emotional. I cannot be bothered.
ive learned the hard way like always lol to keep your circle small. we can always make friends but it always gets harder these days. it's his loss. your alot like me being blunt and honest. it could be he did want something more and didn't know how to express it to you because he didn't for certain how u would react. your the best kev. remember keep your circle small. hope ya doing well kev 🤗❤
Tbh. sounds like a “seasonal friend”, someone you connect with at a small period of your life and then you go your separate ways. It was nice running into you the other day, I’m sure you’ll make new friends you’ll connect with!
The guy was playing games punishing you to see how you react. He knows he was your main friend while he knows more people. The best thing you can do is make other friends and move on and don’t keep reacting to him.
Interesting. What makes you think that? I did feel it was borderline cruel to call and say what he said, without giving a concrete reason, so I'm intrigued that you think he was doing it purposefully.
@@KevenTalks In my experience it isn't exactly on purpose it is not entirely intentional more a character trait. I have a feeling he was testing you without fully realising it. Sometimes we say or do things without entirely thinking it through. Another reason we unintentionally hurt someone's feelings is if we are struggling with our own difficult emotions. I'd keep him at arms length and look for new friends.
I get paranoid as hell too whenever I get high lol!!! So glad I'm not the only one😊 However when I get high it does relax me from this stressful life for a little while at least
You know I have heard few times before of people that weed instead of relaxing them it brings out the paranoid feeling, that must be hard! At first as I am listening to you I thought that since you met through a hook up app it was probably that he was expecting to grow into something else and it didn't. But as the video continued and you got into the small conversation you finally had with him as well as few things you pointed out about the difference in behavior between a "New Yorker" versus a "Miamian" it made me think that maybe the issue was that seeing you been driven made him feel at odds because that is not how he is. Unfortunately I will admit that in my past I pretended to be friends while hoping for something more with a friend and it's not the best thing to do, as it's not fair to the other person as well as to oneself.
I think the fish should have a bigger aquarium. Anyways, what I like about getting older is that you sorta stop caring. I enjoy a friendship but if I feel we're not aligned I just let it go. Quality not quantity. I think the problem is that it's easy for two people to hit it off but then they don't really know each other and then they may not be as well suited after all. And it can be difficult to explain that to the other person. I used to cry over friendships but now - I need the other person to give me a sign they want to be real friends too. Then I am not a gay man.
People and relationships are like jigsaw puzzle pieces. Sometimes they fit together perfectly, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes, what at first appears to be a perfect match does not fit. You have to try it out first and then it becomes clear that it’s not a fit. Neither of those puzzle pieces is good/bad. Remove good/bad from your mindset. It just doesn’t fit. Put the piece back that doesn’t it fit and keep looking for the one that does. So often we like to call the other person toxic, and blame them for why the relationship doesn’t work. It’s so unnecessary. It just doesn’t fit. Move on and quit worrying why. Neither of you did something “wrong”.
I like your evolved way of thinking, but I also think it's important to point out when someone's behavior IS toxic - not that I'm saying his specifically was - but just in general, when people exhibit behavior that is hurtful, it's worth paying attention to a) be better prepared if you experience something similar again and b) warn others when you see they're in similar situations. I 100% agree that 2 people make up a dynamic - it's too easy to blame another person for everything - BUT people should be held accountable when they go around abusing the people around them emotionally, mentally, etc. Again, just speaking generally, not necessarily about this guy in particular.
@@KevenTalks Clearly some people are toxic, but before the full extent of their toxicity was revealed to you, there were plenty of signs that they didn't fit with you. Long before you came to the conclusion that they were bad for you, you realized they didn't fit you. Maybe they were a little too needy, too aloof, seemed insensitive, acted immaturely, etc. I have found this is certainly true for me. But I ignored all those inputs and gave them the benefit of the doubt, again and again. It was almost like I needed "proof" they were bad before I would allow myself to disconnect. Why put yourself through that? Part ways (or keep the relationship as superficial acquaintances) and put them back in the pile. Don't invest any more energy to confirm what you already know; they don't fit you. And you get to avoid all the negative energy---you never experience their toxicity.
@@palmejo1 Totally...even with this guy I've thought of the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." There's always "signs" of how a friendship or relationship will evolve. I do think we all have work to do though, and some people genuinely don't realize they're hurting other people - it's in the best interest of those being hurt and those doing the hurting to be made aware of the "toxicity" so both parties can try to be more self-aware and drama-free, I would think? That's what I mean.
Keven, like you, I am overly analytical and expressive. Not bad traits! As you say, it's sometimes difficult to figure out what's going on in someone else's life. I am a lot older than you, and I have seen friendships come and go repeatedly. I suppose it's a matter of people growing in different directions and/or having different needs at different times.
I think it’s hard for a friend to introduce a new friend into a group of friends that are already comfortable and use to their “vibes” and I can see the friends totally having something to say something to him. It only take one friend to change or put their perspective and not their head. Once that is planted it’s way to just feed off that ( even if it’s not true). My other gay friends have one thing that has always stuck with me is “not all gays get along”? It’s like there are different “types”! Anyway, you know I’m here boo 💙
just curious; did his "other" friends (with whom you are now socializing) reach out to you? Is 'Mark' still friends with them? Some people only socialize in groups. Sounds like 'Mark' is that sort of person and is less comfortable "one-on-one" especially if the relationship isn't considered "dating"? Too many quotation marks. Enjoy the associations that are continuing. Let go :) Rich
@@rmontena4583 He was the only one I was close to. The others I didn't really have a relationship with or only saw once or twice. You're actually totally right that he seemed to prefer group hang-outs, now that I think about it. So maybe having deeper, one-on-one friendships isn't his "thing" as you suggested...
@@KevenTalks Since I am of an older generation one big contrast I have noticed is that many who are younger are not as used to one on one relationships. I think intimacy does not have a chance. Since you have moved around have you not severed connections as you have moved on? I think you are more emotionally mature than the folks you are attracted to or the ones you are bumping into in FL. I will not speculate more. Best wishes, Rich
The more time has passed, the more I remember things he said/did that were demonstrative of superficial values indeed, like that he only kept people around if they offered XYZ. The thing is, when you're genuinely someone's friend or loyal to them, you overlook certain negative attributes. Little did I know he didn't want to return that favor!
@@KevenTalks i think when you meet someone for the first time you get a instant vibe with that person and then you build on it,takes time to get into someone’s head. My best friend I’ve known for 24 years i no i can call him any time 24/7 that’s a true friend in my eyes.
All his excuses are baloney .even though you guys were only friends,.in my experiences when a guy says he needs space or whatever he has found someone else.
Marc isn't someone I could trust (if that happened to me). Friendship is based on trust, communication and respect. He showed you no respect by failing to communicate with you. He's not necessarily a bad person, but it's also good this happened now instead of years from now with a long history of this same story going back and forth. You don't have to deal with that mess.
I never had a problem making friends.I am an Aries and one key rule for me is putting myself first.I am very caring and thoughtful to friends but if a person is a problem to me they have to go.Geminis can be complicated Kev.lol
Geminis CAN be complicated for sure, and I don't think of myself as a simple person by any means, but I also don't think that has to mean that I'm not easy to get along with or difficult as a friend. I actually think of myself as the opposite...so this one is still a question mark for me.
This is a total thing in the gay community, ending relationships both platonic and sexual with no clear reason and closure. Gay people leave a lot more ambiguity and end relationships very suddenly. You could be right that he had sexual interest in you if you felt the vibe, because I've noticed this trend from my own experiences. In gay culture because it's so promiscuous, I've noticed that once one friend asks the other to hookup, it's kind of the end to the friendship unless they both want to date. Either you sleep with him and it becomes a one night stand or you reject him and the person cuts all ties. If one gay friend has any attraction to the other, they probably see more value in even a one-time hookup than a long-term platonic friendship.
So sad. Well, I asked him if that had anything to do with it - since we met on Grindr, etc - and he said no. But of course that doesn't mean it's not the truth or at least part of it. Who knows.
@@KevenTalks yes and I let my guard down trying to get to know him as only a friend because working on a ship and having a relationship is hard but he kept pressuring me and coming on to me and I fell for it. And before you knew it, he became very distant and making excuses that really made no sense and to me I’m the kind of person that I’m trying to find out what’s going what I did for you to stop talking to me.. I’m like ugh
😓😥😰😨😱😭😢 What you said I have experience in gay friendships. This is just normal in our community, I’m personally numb to everything when it comes to gays.
older video, but my thoughts are: don't forget it takes more than one person to make a relationship or friendship fall apart. You always sound so reasonable, but you are part of this issue.
I have been in similar situations. Gay and straight friendships. My unsolicited advice would be to not 'open your heart' (hate that phrase) to people quickly. Unfortunately people are flakey, and can disappoint you. It's better to be proceed with caution sometimes.
Maybe "Mark" got shi t from his friends regarding you not fitting in with their vibe? I think a real friend would not just want space if there wasn't some issue they were having with the friendship. I could see if he was just super busy and had limited time, but not being on the same wavelength implies there are differences between the two of you that dont facilitate a good friendship anymore. Its hurtful to not give an explanation for why he was feeling that way. Most people know why they don't want to spend time with someone. I think he knows why, but doesn't want to say it bc he is afraid to say why. He probably knows it's not a great reason to end a friendship. Or maybe he just wants shallow party friends. I do think it speaks more about him than you.
I agree. He has a friend who I'm not too fond of (very superficial and stand-offish) and who stayed over that night after I left...I wondered if he mentioned something. Then again, of course it's not a good sign of friendship if someone likes you purely based off of whether his friends like you too. I also thought it was pretty unkind to not be transparent about the reason - which tells me he either lacks maturity or as you said, just didn't have the courage (or respect) to be honest.
Kevin just because that friend rejected you doesn't mean something is wrong with you rejection doesn't mean something is wrong with you always remember people change and people come into your lives for a season or a reason everybody that comes in our lives is not meant to stay and also remember just because one person rejection doesn't mean everybody will reject you and another person will accept you
Kevin keep your head up just because that friend rejected you doesn't mean something is wrong with you you people change their minds and it has nothing to do with you and just because one friend rejects you another friend will accept you
A similar thing happened to me and while I know I don't have to take it personally it still bothers me to no end not knowing as to why I was rejected. I think the worst part is I never thought of my friend as someone who would discard me like that. 🥲
Hey even before your ending comment, I had thought you literally answered all your questions to some extent. #1 How did I cause this ? For me, I can be inadvertently insensitive, by humor, or simply not being aware of the situation / surroundings I am dealing with. The most recent was with a straight woman friend where I said something and she was highly offended to tears. I did not think it would offend her but it did and I could do is apologize and accept / respect any decision she makes. We are still friends I am happy to say. I haven't use facebook in years, this is one reason. A former boss and I became friends, his wife likes me, etc. They have a young son. In posted photographs, there was this young girl who literally looked like she was in love with the son. I was in hysterics with my comment 'pregnant at 13'. My friend and his wife had to stop the daddy from coming over and being violent. #2 coincidence ? judgement ? not sure. I was talking with someone in Miami, and there were several words he just simply did not understand. #3 I have simply glaring trust issues. I know why. This wasn't an actual 'friend' in comparison, but on an adult app, I socialize. I am very upfront I am gay. Certainly, if I enter some where I am not a good fit, just politely decline, just as we do. Well, for months I was part of the clan and the party. Then one day I was coldly turned out. 'Not in my room'. Yes, that hurt. How could someone do that ?
@@KevenTalks Good discussion on friendships that go sour. Unfortunately, his behavior was passive-aggressive and sneaky. The description of him almost reminds me of the borderline personality disorder in that they are unable or unwilling to maintain healthy mature attachment with another person. I felt that he was just being your pretend friend in hopes to have sex with you. He might also be going through other negative personal and psychological issues like jealousy, hidden anger, and self-loathing that caused interference. If he smokes weed on a more regular basis then he's also probably a little paranoid too. Hopefully you find somebody more authentic and reliable with healthy hobbies. As you know Grindr isn't the best social media to meet honest people.
Oh well Kev. It sounds like as you say you just weren’t on the same wave length. Let’s be honest.You knew deep down he was superficial and immature and that’s what’s played out. I used to get upset about friendships ending but I don’t anymore. It is what it is. Find your vibe and find your tribe. If you can have 2-3 great friends you’re doing very well :)
Mark sounds like a very immature person. There has to be a reason behind his behavior, but he decided it was easier for him to avoid you than to tell you what is really going on. It's essentially ghosting, very common between gay men.
Yeah he basically did ghost until I called him out on it- and I think he then felt compelled to get back to me because he knew I deserved some kind of response, in terms of the friendship we had developed up to that point. But yes, looking back now, there were many instances demonstrating how immature he was emotionally.
@@KevenTalks I'm just going from your side, so it's hard to not be biased. But if everything your saying is true and you already said in the video that his circle is very superficial and not career driven and you are, that makes the most sense. You see that everywhere. Higher education/salary can define your friendships in alot of cases. Not all but most.
@@KevenTalks Very interesting. I think self-destructiveness is a common human trait in general. Gay men are indeed driven by shame and self-loathing. Haven’t finished yet but we can talk when I do. Don’t take these rejections to heart. Altruism is the quality of true love. Try volunteering. You’re bound to find someone worth your time.
I agree with him that you control the narrative on whatever app you use. All the men on Grindr are also on Tinder or "wholesome" apps. The app is just the vehicle for introduction. How you present yourself is what is important.
Grindr is the only way I can meet gay guys. It’s rare for me to meet one in real life. When I delete grindr I always end up trying to meet people in real life but then they find out that I’m gay and get uncomfortable around me then want nothing to do with me because they think I’m attracted to them
Hey Keven 😊, it's definitely not you...I agree that it's hard keeping gay friends. I currently have zero gay friends because of pettiness over stupid shit like this. From my experience, the switch comes from them not getting their way.
Well that's why I thought maybe he was over it once he realized he wouldn't be able to turn it into something romantic or sexual....but he said that wasn't why 🤷🏻♂️
@@KevenTalks I say trust your instincts...they tend to be right. Also regarding frequency, there is some truth to that. When we are not aligned with like people, it'll show incompatibility. To me it seems like good riddance, this guy may have lowered your frequency or drained it over time.
@@smphn333 Maybe...he could be pretty superficial but overall I enjoyed him and his friendship - everyone comes with "baggage." So I was also just bitter that I extended that loyalty to him but he didn't feel the need to extend it my way.
@@KevenTalks ask yourself this...did you enjoy him as a person or his company? Big difference between the two. Sometimes we settle for the company even if the person brings us down. I am guilty of doing this a lot, but at the end of the day I rather have much less quality company than a lot of bad company 😉
@@smphn333 Huh, that's a good question. I think I enjoyed him as both honestly? He was fun and charismatic. I don't feel that he "brought me down" at all. Very different lifestyles but I'm more open-minded with friends than I am with dating, let's say, so it didn't bother me that much.
Trying to figure out what others do and how they react to your genuine friendship is exhausting. Either they want you in their lives or they do not have the capacity to take on you as a person who is important to them. Moving on is liberating and part of the journey.
True. I've moved on now but in the moment it was still hurtful and confusing. I try not to think about it, because then my mind starts to wander into the "what if" and "what happened" again.
@@KevenTalks the what if and what happened are on him. Yes is hurtful but you have to much to offer to waste your time on him. Wish him well and move on.
You’re wonderful the way you express yourself. You’re own answers help move you and others move through day to day craziness. Keep expressing yourself. Don’t worry about what others think we all have so much baggage. You really can’t know who you’re trying to get to know. You will never have all the pieces of their puzzle and they your puzzle. Fitting together at the moment is all that can matter in relationships or friendships. Starting off with truthfulness and honesty will build strong relationships and friendship. It works or it doesn’t You can analyze yourself to death always be ready to move forward life is short. Be happy and adventurous eventually the pieces to your puzzle will make a beautiful picture that you will totally understand.
I love this, you're right! Honesty and truth are how it should always start, with any kind of relationship. If it doesn't, not worth psychoanalyzing (as I tend to do...)
The over analysing hit close to home lol. We’re about the same age and it’s kinda crazy as in some parts I feel like I’m watching myself when I watch your videos, and it’s great as I’m learning more about my own personality as well through that. Maybe it’s the French heritage 🙈 I hope you find more people that are on the same wavelength as you around
"The French heritage" hahaha
The older I've gotten the more I realize that if, at any given moment, I have two or three close friendships, I'm rich. By close I mean friends with whom we can say share anything, and who know if the other needs help it'll be offered. Some of these friends are people I may not communicate with for months or years at a time, but I know when I do it will be as no time passed at all. Everyone else is an acquaintance of varying degree. They may be people with whom you share an interest, or whose company you enjoy, but unless or until what I described above is true, they are really just acquaintances. Anyway, that's one man's perspective.
I agree - the sad part though is that I believed he was that one person for me here in Miami. So as long as I had his friendship, I felt comfortable not necessarily having many others, if that makes sense. I was wrong...
@@KevenTalks Maybe he felt like you were being too dependent on him for your social life needs and realized he doesn't really want to be that close to you. But even then, he didn't really need to distance himself that far.
@@winnmatthews That could be part of it. But when he told me all of this, we hadn't spoken or seen each other in weeks. So kind of dramatic distancing, right? Lol
@@KevenTalks Lol, right. Yeah, idk, maybe he sensed some pressure from you somehow and reacted that way, backing away dramatically, but he may have just perceived things inaccurately.
Omg, I relate so much to this!! It sucks. At least now I don't feel alone in this experience. Thanks for sharing!
I've lived in THREE different states...None of my "gay friendships" worked out....As a matter of fact, I do not have any gay friends and I'm not pressed about it....It always gets complicated for no reasons...Like the other guys always have a hidden agenda , either something sexual or emotional. I cannot be bothered.
So true 😫
ive learned the hard way like always lol to keep your circle small. we can always make friends but it always gets harder these days. it's his loss. your alot like me being blunt and honest. it could be he did want something more and didn't know how to express it to you because he didn't for certain how u would react. your the best kev. remember keep your circle small. hope ya doing well kev 🤗❤
Totally - quality trumps quantity!
Tbh. sounds like a “seasonal friend”, someone you connect with at a small period of your life and then you go your separate ways. It was nice running into you the other day, I’m sure you’ll make new friends you’ll connect with!
That was you! 🙈 Thanks for saying hello!
@@KevenTalks yes it was, lol. 😂 you’re welcome man. Maybe I’ll see you around.
Kevin - Are you worried “Mark” will see this?
I don't think he knows I even have a YT channel :)
The guy was playing games punishing you to see how you react. He knows he was your main friend while he knows more people. The best thing you can do is make other friends and move on and don’t keep reacting to him.
Interesting. What makes you think that? I did feel it was borderline cruel to call and say what he said, without giving a concrete reason, so I'm intrigued that you think he was doing it purposefully.
@@KevenTalks In my experience it isn't exactly on purpose it is not entirely intentional more a character trait. I have a feeling he was testing you without fully realising it. Sometimes we say or do things without entirely thinking it through. Another reason we unintentionally hurt someone's feelings is if we are struggling with our own difficult emotions. I'd keep him at arms length and look for new friends.
@@BC_26fhj Of course - it showed me everything I need to know. Still hurtful and confusing though 😪
@@KevenTalks I know, try not to spend to much time dwelling on it, learn from it, move on and make new friends.
I get paranoid as hell too whenever I get high lol!!! So glad I'm not the only one😊 However when I get high it does relax me from this stressful life for a little while at least
It's really odd how sometimes it relaxes me as well and other times I jump from anxious thought to anxious thought.
@@KevenTalks Lol I jump from anxious thought to anxious thought as well lol! Then I get sleepy af and fall asleep 🤣
this recently happened to me, and i found this video today. honestly i don't know what happened but it hurts!
You know I have heard few times before of people that weed instead of relaxing them it brings out the paranoid feeling, that must be hard! At first as I am listening to you I thought that since you met through a hook up app it was probably that he was expecting to grow into something else and it didn't. But as the video continued and you got into the small conversation you finally had with him as well as few things you pointed out about the difference in behavior between a "New Yorker" versus a "Miamian" it made me think that maybe the issue was that seeing you been driven made him feel at odds because that is not how he is. Unfortunately I will admit that in my past I pretended to be friends while hoping for something more with a friend and it's not the best thing to do, as it's not fair to the other person as well as to oneself.
FYI- not all people are INTELLIGENT and intriguing as you 💙 You are meant to Stand out , not over looked !
🙈🥰 wow thanks Jody
I think the fish should have a bigger aquarium. Anyways, what I like about getting older is that you sorta stop caring. I enjoy a friendship but if I feel we're not aligned I just let it go. Quality not quantity. I think the problem is that it's easy for two people to hit it off but then they don't really know each other and then they may not be as well suited after all. And it can be difficult to explain that to the other person. I used to cry over friendships but now - I need the other person to give me a sign they want to be real friends too. Then I am not a gay man.
Very true about caring less as you get older. I think this whole episode got me moody because it's tougher when you're new to a city.
People and relationships are like jigsaw puzzle pieces. Sometimes they fit together perfectly, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes, what at first appears to be a perfect match does not fit. You have to try it out first and then it becomes clear that it’s not a fit. Neither of those puzzle pieces is good/bad. Remove good/bad from your mindset. It just doesn’t fit. Put the piece back that doesn’t it fit and keep looking for the one that does. So often we like to call the other person toxic, and blame them for why the relationship doesn’t work. It’s so unnecessary. It just doesn’t fit. Move on and quit worrying why. Neither of you did something “wrong”.
I like your evolved way of thinking, but I also think it's important to point out when someone's behavior IS toxic - not that I'm saying his specifically was - but just in general, when people exhibit behavior that is hurtful, it's worth paying attention to a) be better prepared if you experience something similar again and b) warn others when you see they're in similar situations. I 100% agree that 2 people make up a dynamic - it's too easy to blame another person for everything - BUT people should be held accountable when they go around abusing the people around them emotionally, mentally, etc. Again, just speaking generally, not necessarily about this guy in particular.
@@KevenTalks Clearly some people are toxic, but before the full extent of their toxicity was revealed to you, there were plenty of signs that they didn't fit with you. Long before you came to the conclusion that they were bad for you, you realized they didn't fit you. Maybe they were a little too needy, too aloof, seemed insensitive, acted immaturely, etc. I have found this is certainly true for me. But I ignored all those inputs and gave them the benefit of the doubt, again and again. It was almost like I needed "proof" they were bad before I would allow myself to disconnect. Why put yourself through that? Part ways (or keep the relationship as superficial acquaintances) and put them back in the pile. Don't invest any more energy to confirm what you already know; they don't fit you. And you get to avoid all the negative energy---you never experience their toxicity.
@@palmejo1 Totally...even with this guy I've thought of the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." There's always "signs" of how a friendship or relationship will evolve. I do think we all have work to do though, and some people genuinely don't realize they're hurting other people - it's in the best interest of those being hurt and those doing the hurting to be made aware of the "toxicity" so both parties can try to be more self-aware and drama-free, I would think? That's what I mean.
Keven, like you, I am overly analytical and expressive. Not bad traits! As you say, it's sometimes difficult to figure out
what's going on in someone else's life. I am a lot older than you, and I have seen friendships come and go repeatedly.
I suppose it's a matter of people growing in different directions and/or having different needs at different times.
I think it’s hard for a friend to introduce a new friend into a group of friends that are already comfortable and use to their “vibes” and I can see the friends totally having something to say something to him. It only take one friend to change or put their perspective and not their head. Once that is planted it’s way to just feed off that ( even if it’s not true). My other gay friends have one thing that has always stuck with me is “not all gays get along”? It’s like there are different “types”! Anyway, you know I’m here boo 💙
Yes. At the same time, a friend who's easily swayed by other friends is not a genuine friend in the first place.
@@KevenTalks 💯🎯✌️
just curious; did his "other" friends (with whom you are now socializing) reach out to you? Is 'Mark' still friends with them? Some people only socialize in groups. Sounds like 'Mark' is that sort of person and is less comfortable "one-on-one" especially if the relationship isn't considered "dating"? Too many quotation marks. Enjoy the associations that are continuing. Let go :) Rich
@@rmontena4583 He was the only one I was close to. The others I didn't really have a relationship with or only saw once or twice. You're actually totally right that he seemed to prefer group hang-outs, now that I think about it. So maybe having deeper, one-on-one friendships isn't his "thing" as you suggested...
@@KevenTalks Since I am of an older generation one big contrast I have noticed is that many who are younger are not as used to one on one relationships. I think intimacy does not have a chance. Since you have moved around have you not severed connections as you have moved on? I think you are more emotionally mature than the folks you are attracted to or the ones you are bumping into in FL. I will not speculate more. Best wishes, Rich
Soon hot, soon cold.
"easy come, easy go"
He sounds like a user not worth bothering with any more.you find a good true friend one day you are a really nice guy dont deserve to get sh...t on
The more time has passed, the more I remember things he said/did that were demonstrative of superficial values indeed, like that he only kept people around if they offered XYZ. The thing is, when you're genuinely someone's friend or loyal to them, you overlook certain negative attributes. Little did I know he didn't want to return that favor!
@@KevenTalks i think when you meet someone for the first time you get a instant vibe with that person and then you build on it,takes time to get into someone’s head. My best friend I’ve known for 24 years i no i can call him any time 24/7 that’s a true friend in my eyes.
All his excuses are baloney .even though you guys were only friends,.in my experiences when a guy says he needs space or whatever he has found someone else.
Marc isn't someone I could trust (if that happened to me). Friendship is based on trust, communication and respect. He showed you no respect by failing to communicate with you. He's not necessarily a bad person, but it's also good this happened now instead of years from now with a long history of this same story going back and forth. You don't have to deal with that mess.
I never had a problem making friends.I am an Aries and one key rule for me is putting myself first.I am very caring and thoughtful to friends but if a person is a problem to me they have to go.Geminis can be complicated Kev.lol
Geminis CAN be complicated for sure, and I don't think of myself as a simple person by any means, but I also don't think that has to mean that I'm not easy to get along with or difficult as a friend. I actually think of myself as the opposite...so this one is still a question mark for me.
This is a total thing in the gay community, ending relationships both platonic and sexual with no clear reason and closure. Gay people leave a lot more ambiguity and end relationships very suddenly. You could be right that he had sexual interest in you if you felt the vibe, because I've noticed this trend from my own experiences. In gay culture because it's so promiscuous, I've noticed that once one friend asks the other to hookup, it's kind of the end to the friendship unless they both want to date. Either you sleep with him and it becomes a one night stand or you reject him and the person cuts all ties. If one gay friend has any attraction to the other, they probably see more value in even a one-time hookup than a long-term platonic friendship.
So sad. Well, I asked him if that had anything to do with it - since we met on Grindr, etc - and he said no. But of course that doesn't mean it's not the truth or at least part of it. Who knows.
I was completely in the same situation at the end of 2019 but it was with someone who led me on
People are so morally corrupt lol
@@KevenTalks yes and I let my guard down trying to get to know him as only a friend because working on a ship and having a relationship is hard but he kept pressuring me and coming on to me and I fell for it. And before you knew it, he became very distant and making excuses that really made no sense and to me I’m the kind of person that I’m trying to find out what’s going what I did for you to stop talking to me.. I’m like ugh
@@ajstyles4989 Yes that not knowing part is the killer
Sad... and strange ...
Indeed.
😓😥😰😨😱😭😢
What you said I have experience in gay friendships. This is just normal in our community, I’m personally numb to everything when it comes to gays.
😫😫😫 Funny that you'd use the word "numb"...stay tuned for my next video lol
The GLBT community needs much higher and healthier standards for friendships. Good luck!
older video, but my thoughts are: don't forget it takes more than one person to make a relationship or friendship fall apart. You always sound so reasonable, but you are part of this issue.
I have been in similar situations. Gay and straight friendships. My unsolicited advice would be to not 'open your heart' (hate that phrase) to people quickly. Unfortunately people are flakey, and can disappoint you. It's better to be proceed with caution sometimes.
Yes but then people tell me I'm too guarded / not open enough 🙄😑
@@KevenTalks well, let them!better to be guarded then indiscreet with who you choose to be friends with.
Maybe "Mark" got shi t from his friends regarding you not fitting in with their vibe? I think a real friend would not just want space if there wasn't some issue they were having with the friendship. I could see if he was just super busy and had limited time, but not being on the same wavelength implies there are differences between the two of you that dont facilitate a good friendship anymore. Its hurtful to not give an explanation for why he was feeling that way. Most people know why they don't want to spend time with someone. I think he knows why, but doesn't want to say it bc he is afraid to say why. He probably knows it's not a great reason to end a friendship. Or maybe he just wants shallow party friends. I do think it speaks more about him than you.
I agree. He has a friend who I'm not too fond of (very superficial and stand-offish) and who stayed over that night after I left...I wondered if he mentioned something. Then again, of course it's not a good sign of friendship if someone likes you purely based off of whether his friends like you too. I also thought it was pretty unkind to not be transparent about the reason - which tells me he either lacks maturity or as you said, just didn't have the courage (or respect) to be honest.
Kevin just because that friend rejected you doesn't mean something is wrong with you rejection doesn't mean something is wrong with you always remember people change and people come into your lives for a season or a reason everybody that comes in our lives is not meant to stay and also remember just because one person rejection doesn't mean everybody will reject you and another person will accept you
Yeah, I guess so 😪
Kevin keep your head up just because that friend rejected you doesn't mean something is wrong with you you people change their minds and it has nothing to do with you and just because one friend rejects you another friend will accept you
A similar thing happened to me and while I know I don't have to take it personally it still bothers me to no end not knowing as to why I was rejected. I think the worst part is I never thought of my friend as someone who would discard me like that. 🥲
@@winnmatthews Exactly. It's the insecurity of the uncertainty that kills me.
@@KevenTalks Yeah, like, What the heck did I do "so bad" that justified him basically ending the friendship?? Ugh.. 😩
My best friends were gay as I but they all died now I have none
Hey even before your ending comment, I had thought you literally answered all your questions to some extent. #1 How did I cause this ? For me, I can be inadvertently insensitive, by humor, or simply not being aware of the situation / surroundings I am dealing with. The most recent was with a straight woman friend where I said something and she was highly offended to tears. I did not think it would offend her but it did and I could do is apologize and accept / respect any decision she makes. We are still friends I am happy to say. I haven't use facebook in years, this is one reason. A former boss and I became friends, his wife likes me, etc. They have a young son. In posted photographs, there was this young girl who literally looked like she was in love with the son. I was in hysterics with my comment 'pregnant at 13'. My friend and his wife had to stop the daddy from coming over and being violent. #2 coincidence ? judgement ? not sure. I was talking with someone in Miami, and there were several words he just simply did not understand. #3 I have simply glaring trust issues. I know why. This wasn't an actual 'friend' in comparison, but on an adult app, I socialize. I am very upfront I am gay. Certainly, if I enter some where I am not a good fit, just politely decline, just as we do. Well, for months I was part of the clan and the party. Then one day I was coldly turned out. 'Not in my room'. Yes, that hurt. How could someone do that ?
You look great in that tank top.
lol thanks. Was that your only takeaway? ;)
@@KevenTalks Good discussion on friendships that go sour. Unfortunately, his behavior was passive-aggressive and sneaky. The description of him almost reminds me of the borderline personality disorder in that they are unable or unwilling to maintain healthy mature attachment with another person. I felt that he was just being your pretend friend in hopes to have sex with you. He might also be going through other negative personal and psychological issues like jealousy, hidden anger, and self-loathing that caused interference. If he smokes weed on a more regular basis then he's also probably a little paranoid too. Hopefully you find somebody more authentic and reliable with healthy hobbies. As you know Grindr isn't the best social media to meet honest people.
@@ActivismOfCare Yeah, all possible scenarios.
Oh well Kev. It sounds like as you say you just weren’t on the same wave length. Let’s be honest.You knew deep down he was superficial and immature and that’s what’s played out. I used to get upset about friendships ending but I don’t anymore. It is what it is. Find your vibe and find your tribe. If you can have 2-3 great friends you’re doing very well :)
"Find your vibe and find your tribe." I love that!!!!
@@KevenTalks I’m glad you like it :)
You’re a great guy, relax. Perhaps he’s a drug user and you’re not being a drug user is a dealbreaker.
Funny you'd say that, because I suggested that as well. And he was like, "no - I'm not into peer pressure" 🤷🏻♂️
Mark sounds like a very immature person. There has to be a reason behind his behavior, but he decided it was easier for him to avoid you than to tell you what is really going on. It's essentially ghosting, very common between gay men.
Yeah he basically did ghost until I called him out on it- and I think he then felt compelled to get back to me because he knew I deserved some kind of response, in terms of the friendship we had developed up to that point. But yes, looking back now, there were many instances demonstrating how immature he was emotionally.
You got high & paranoid. Who cares. He probably caught feelings. Cop out. Or he actually thinks your annoying. You seem like you can make new friends
It's still such a weird story for me lol I hate not getting closure on stuff like this
@@KevenTalks I'm just going from your side, so it's hard to not be biased. But if everything your saying is true and you already said in the video that his circle is very superficial and not career driven and you are, that makes the most sense. You see that everywhere. Higher education/salary can define your friendships in alot of cases. Not all but most.
Stay away from Grinder. You are too evolved for that. I’m reading The Velvet Rage btw . Interesting.
How do you like it?
@@KevenTalks Very interesting. I think self-destructiveness is a common human trait in general. Gay men are indeed driven by shame and self-loathing. Haven’t finished yet but we can talk when I do. Don’t take these rejections to heart. Altruism is the quality of true love. Try volunteering. You’re bound to find someone worth your time.
I agree with him that you control the narrative on whatever app you use. All the men on Grindr are also on Tinder or "wholesome" apps. The app is just the vehicle for introduction. How you present yourself is what is important.
Grindr is the only way I can meet gay guys. It’s rare for me to meet one in real life. When I delete grindr I always end up trying to meet people in real life but then they find out that I’m gay and get uncomfortable around me then want nothing to do with me because they think I’m attracted to them
When do you think we’ll see same-sex marriage in Japan?
I have no idea, I know very little about Japan's take on gay issues...is Japan generally gay-friendly or no?
@@KevenTalks for the most part, yes. Some jurisdictions offer “partnership certificates”, that really have no legal force.
@@xavierlauzac5922 So it's just like a piece of paper congratulating you, like how they'll give certificates in elementary school? Lolll
Pretty much.
Hey Keven 😊, it's definitely not you...I agree that it's hard keeping gay friends. I currently have zero gay friends because of pettiness over stupid shit like this. From my experience, the switch comes from them not getting their way.
Well that's why I thought maybe he was over it once he realized he wouldn't be able to turn it into something romantic or sexual....but he said that wasn't why 🤷🏻♂️
@@KevenTalks I say trust your instincts...they tend to be right. Also regarding frequency, there is some truth to that. When we are not aligned with like people, it'll show incompatibility. To me it seems like good riddance, this guy may have lowered your frequency or drained it over time.
@@smphn333 Maybe...he could be pretty superficial but overall I enjoyed him and his friendship - everyone comes with "baggage." So I was also just bitter that I extended that loyalty to him but he didn't feel the need to extend it my way.
@@KevenTalks ask yourself this...did you enjoy him as a person or his company? Big difference between the two. Sometimes we settle for the company even if the person brings us down. I am guilty of doing this a lot, but at the end of the day I rather have much less quality company than a lot of bad company 😉
@@smphn333 Huh, that's a good question. I think I enjoyed him as both honestly? He was fun and charismatic. I don't feel that he "brought me down" at all. Very different lifestyles but I'm more open-minded with friends than I am with dating, let's say, so it didn't bother me that much.
Sometimes I do this to people ngl.
How so? You mean ghosting friends? lol
@@KevenTalks Losing interest and politely distancing myself...so yeah in other words "ghosting"
I had friends that were gay but they all died of AIDS
Maybe he found a boyfriend?
Could we just hook up for dinner somewhere one of those countries it would not have to be a date